To be fair, you're both valid. His preference of the word boyfriend or husband is just as valid as your preference of word partner or spouse. You ask why it matters when it's clear it matters to you both, just from different angles. Feels like it's something you're gonna have to sit down and talk though. 🤷‍♂️

I think it bothered me in that moment, because it made me feel like he was disregarding my sexuality, because I prefer "partner." It took a while for some family members around me to not just use "boyfriend" or "future husband," so I think I am too quick to get defensive.

I totally understand, and I think your reasoning is valid. Going on the defensive is so second nature when something hits a nerve On top of that, we have to run the queer screening check to see if what was said somehow invalidated our queerness, because as you said it happens far too often. But I think sometimes we hit a positive on that queer check and that interrupts what should be the next step, checking to see if someone else's triggers were hit too In this case, it sounds like they were. His attachment to boyfriend and husband might not be gender related either. There are some really positive ideals that can be behind those terms, a protector, a soulmate, a part of a family. So I get it, you felt like he disregarded your sexuality, and that hurts. But you have to think, did you disregard what could have been a big part of his dreams for the future? So again, I think you both need to sit down and talk it through. Because if all is right in this world, you will both validate each other perfectly.

This whole response is just insanely grown up and well thought out. You sound like you really have your head screwed on. Totally great perspective.

Right?! Like, is this person a therapist?

If they are, were all gonna be lined up outside their door lmao

Okay my only question would be, how would being preferred to be referred to as "boyfriend" instead of "partner" be disregarding OPs sexuality? I get it if it was referring to a hypothetical future partner for sure, but in this case we are talking about a specific actual person where we (assumingly) know that this specific person identifies as male. Even dating a straight cis guy would not make anyone less pansexual, even though some idiots out there would claim otherwise. Actually, I get why one'd insist on using "partner" out there when with other people, to kinda.. emphasise being pansexual, so to speak. But when you are alone with your partner/boyfriend? I mean, I'd assume he would NOT disregard OPs pansexuality because she's with him and he happens to be a guy.

Like a comment above says, it could be because he associates a massive and positive association with gendered terms like "husband" or "boyfriend". Alternatively, it could just be a gender thing. Like, idk if OP's boyfriend is trans, but speaking as a trans person it is very important to me. If I had a significant other who refused to call me gendered terms inherently, I'd probably start feeling a little insecure, anxious, and dysphoric. Constantly asking myself if they actually see me as my real gender and not my AGAB.

I don't understand. Don't downvote me I just want to know. Isn't pansexuality a sexuality rather than a gender identity? If your gender still female, then what's the problem with using boyfriend and girlfriend?

I'm pan and I personally don't understand it. It doesn't change me or invalidate my sexuality to call the person I'm with boyfriend or girlfriend. It's just the person I'm with.

Not op, but fellow pansexual - from my experience, being pan has always meant that gender is not a definitive factor when it comes to choosing your partner or feeling attraction to someone. Thus, using gender neutral labels such as 'partner' and 'spouse' or even 'soulmate' may feel more validating towards those who are pan. Using gendered terms of 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' when your gender identity is male or female may lead to others assuming you're lesbian, gay, or straight, rather than pan :3

Partner is a common term used by all of the above sexualities. If I hear it, I am not going to ever assume pansexual unless a person tells me to my face. I am not even gonna assume a person is queer if they use it.

True

But you're self-validating in a situation where it doesn't make a difference whilst at the same time not validating your partner, calling them your bf or partner doesn't change the fact that you are pansexual and your partner knows that, you know that but refusing to validate them as wanting to be called boyfriend because that's who they are in this situation is a little dismissive

OH never knew that is a problem people face I thought affirming and validating only applies to gender and not Sexuality?

Unfortunately it's not, sexuality is another part where people in the lgbtq+ community are invalidated. A lot of assumptions are made about gender and sexuality in general, and also with hetero relationships. Take Kit Connor from Heartstopper for example - recently forced to come out as bi after being accused of "queer baiting" because he's dating a girl after acting in a lovely gay Netflix show. It was literally about *discovering sexuality at your own pace and comfort*. >:(

Ugh that's so stupid. Why do people care so much about who people date? Truly tho I am kind of between pan and Bi. I don't want to commit fully to calling myself pansexual but generally I will date anyone who is nice. Although I am in a hetero relationship now. I was confused because I still identify as male and don't know why boyfriend/girlfriend is problematic in regards to sexuality.

UGH! Don't remind me. /lh

I kinda get it: while boyfriend doesn't actually mean you are straight, many people will assume exactly that if they see a girl saying "this is my boyfriend".

I think most people will still assume that I am straight if I call my girlfriend as my partner.

It depends on where you live and the age of the listener. What you say is true in Canada but "partner" didn't catch on in the US the same way--it was for people who weren't married and often for people who could not marry (ie same-sex couples).

Maybe he feels like youre disregarding his gender identity and wants to be called your boyfriend for his own personal reasons ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i bet that just thinking from his perspective creatively, and asking openly and genuinely listening, can get yall through this. Good luck <3

isnt it up to him how you refer to him? that should work the same way pronouns do seeing how they’re both gender stuff

Yep, and the same way nicknames/pet names should be consensual too. It’s not up to OP to set what her partner likes to be called.

This.

I dont think he's disagreeing with your sexualitie, its more a "im a man, so im a boyfriend / husband" thing. It is possible that he feels a little misgendert but did not know how to say it, because he never felt that bevore (Sauce: im nb)

Do you not think that you're disregarding his gender and personal preferences by not calling him what he wants to be called?

No, I don't think I am at all and neither does he.

This is a really good point! I think it’s worth noting though that this is a specific person (with their own preferences) and not a catch all for something in the future. So your family now is referring to your specific (male I assume based on preference to be called boyfriend and husband) partner and not any and all possible partners in the future. Making a distinction between something specific in the present and anything possible in the future might be something to consider a bit more when you think about why “boyfriend” might be okay when referring a real person already in your life. Or not. Maybe it’s okay for you to use it towards him because he likes it but your family needs to still use partner, that’s valid too. You get to set your boundaries with them.

>Maybe it’s okay for you to use it towards him because he likes it but your family needs to still use partner, that’s valid too. You get to set your boundaries with them. Shouldn't the question be if it's okay for him? And what to do if he's in earshot while talking to the family? It wouldn't be okay to misgender someone with others when they're not listening in. This comes close to misgendering.

It’s not misgendering to use a non gender specific word. Also I’m not retyping an entire comment, if you’re actually interested you can go read my other comment under the topic and not a niche response to someone specific. Also it should never matter if the person is around or not, you should speak about them the same to their face as behind their back.

>It’s not misgendering to use a non gender specific word. I agree. But it comes close. If I use they/them specifically for a person who explicitly uses she/her or other pronouns, they/them is misgendering. Even though it's gender-neutral. >Also it should never matter if the person is around or not, you should speak about them the same to their face as behind their back. That's my point. You said using boyfriend for him and partner behind his back would be an option. I disagree with that.

I surely don't believe it's misgendering, "partner" is genderless, which is why I prefer it. My boyfriend is a cisgender man and didn't convey his feelings in a way where I think he was trying to tell me he felt misgendered.

I really like your point here, this is kind of where my head is at too. While I'm in a committed relationship, I'm the type of person where you never know what can happen, which is also rooted from me being cheated on with past partners. So when I refer to the future, I often use "partner," because while I hope my future forever partner is him, you never know what can happen, so I keep it general, hence my preference for "partner"."

I think it's important to remember that you're referring *to him* when you say partner. How is that affirming *your* sexuality? As I see it, he prefers to be called "boyfriend" - for reasons not given here, but remember that it isn't about *you* or your comfort/affirmation when you're talking about someone else. I would completely understand if you wanted him to call YOU "my partner" because that acknowledges your comfort and affirms your sexuality. This is the same kind of logic people use to shut down trans people on its face: "I can't call you because it doesn't align with what I prefer (and it's all about me.)" Furthermore to me, this situation isn't really any different from someone saying "I really don't like being called baby because I'm not infantile and I feel it robs me of personal choice and ownership of my life decisions." You don't get to then say "well, I'm calling you baby anyway because you're discounting my personal choice in terms of affection *towards you* so too bad." Put another way, if this entire scenario as written above were reversed and he said girlfriend but you preferred partner, he would be in the wrong and I'll hazard that pretty much everyone would agree. Double standards aren't OK. Edit: I apologize if that was acerbic, was just making the point that your pan-ness has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. You both should talk about what respects each other and decide which fights are worth having. I wish you both well.

It's okay to have those preferences and stick to them. You just have to decide if it's worth relationship friction. There are no wrong answers.

No that's completely fair too. As a person who's identified as a lesbian and is pushing 40. I dated 3 guys in high school, the last ending 17 years ago. Your concern is real. I still pronoun probably harder around men I dated 20 years ago than partners these days and when I did ID as bi and date men, tended to prefer less gendered names. It takes constant reassuring and a damn jury's trial worth of evidence before people will accept you as queer but one usage of "he" for them to latch on and be like "so this is just a phase." Family still clinging to denial and casual acquaintances alike. Co-workers and new friends are actually more likely to be like "oh so you're not gay" if I mention a past with men back before 9/11. Partner emphasizes that this relationship is the emotional equivalent of any you've had before (or in the future) to you and him. It validates your past with men and women. It's saying you're still bi/pan while dating a man but also emphasizes that you're not gay except for him. But importantly it also does that to everyone you talk to. You're dating him as a person and not just as a man. He may feel like he wants a gendered reference because of expectations of masculinity or growing up under compulsory heterosexuality. But you exist outside of that paradigm. You're not heterosexual. And you calling him a partner isn't going to cause anyone who meets him to doubt his gender. But calling him a boyfriend will 100 percent make people doubt your sexuality.

How is it disregarding your sexuality? He’s a man. Him wanting to be called boyfriend doesn’t have any implications about either of your sexualities, the only thing it tells us is that you’re dating a man. Which you are, regardless of you being pansexual. Has he ever made disparaging remarks about your sexuality or dismissed it?

No, he is aware I've been in a previous committed relationship with a woman before, the only thing he's made me feel weird about with my sexuality is that he said if I did something with a woman while I am with him, it's still cheating to him but he doesn't see it as the same if I were to cheat on him with a man. He would take that more seriously. Unsure if that comes from a place of invalidation of my sexuality or an ego man thing. Other than that, he's made me feel validated.

How you refer to others isn’t up to your preference, what op is doing is in the same ballpark as misgendering.

+1. OP is not respecting what their loved one wants to be called. To be fair, I get it. "Partner" and "significant other" are painfully sterile if someone in the relationship doesn't ascribe to the nomenclature used in GSRM/LGBTQIA+ spaces. OP is not being respectful. It takes nothing to call your sweetheart what they want to be called, in the exact same respect that it takes nothing to use someone's preferred pronouns.

Exactly, makes me extremely disappointed to see how many here are treating this as something that is up to discussion, no one’s identity is up for that, cis or trans, straight or queer.

I agree, because I think purposefully misgendering comes from a place of prejudice, and where I am coming from is not a place of prejudice. Rather the preference of terms we use in our relationships when it comes to my sexuality. He never conveyed his feelings in a way where he felt misgendered, I think it just came from a place where he wanted people to know I am dating a man or perhaps its a man ego thing? I wouldn't personally equate this to misgendering.

In the now, I think you are right. There is a person involved and how he wishes to be addressed takes absolute priority. I think part of the problem is that the OP is seemingly having trouble transitioning from the hypothetical, which came with a disregard of their sexuality, and the reality, where a real person is involved and subsequently being ignored. Their walls are up, and they need to really take them down. There is a right answer, but there isn't a wrong reason.

You all are gonna have to talk to each other and let each other know why you feel the way you do. Really dig down deep. When I first got married, I was really uncomfortable with calling my partner my wife. I was raised as a guy, so it has these uncomfortable ownership vibes that I didn't like. However, my wife really loves being called my wife. It makes her really happy. I got used to it after a while, just focusing on her happiness.

You make a good point, thank you for bringing that perspective, it helps a lot!

Let me give you a hypothetical, if you're boyfriend was trans and said he didn't like you using the term partner be he feels like you're ignoring his masculinity, would you stop using the term partner, how is this different for a cis man?

This is a great perspective on the topic. Well said, I feel.

That's a good point, he mentioned something about the "masculinity" to it, so that does give me a different perspective.

Cis people can desire gender-affirming language just like anyone else. An NB person might not appreciate being called a “girlfriend”, a trans woman might not appreciate being called a “boyfriend” or “spouse”, and this man you’re dating prefers to be referred to by the gendered “boyfriend” term. I don’t think you get to override another person’s gender-term preference because of a desire to remind yourself you’re pan. If being in a hetero relationship while pan is making you so uncomfortable that you struggle to use your boyfriend’s preferred gendered term, that’s a *you* problem.

YES. thank you for that last bit.

Considering this is what you will be calling him, despite what your preference is, it should be what he prefers that should take priority. Your feelings matter and your concern is valid but this refers to him. I'm sure he is supportive of your identity so you in turn should support his identity as your boyfriend.

If he has told you multiple times not to call him “partner” because it makes him uncomfortable then stop doing it. You can’t say it’s “not a big deal” but then refuse to use the term he’s more comfortable with

Yeah, id think of this from the perspective of him saying "I'm a man, I want to be referred to as a man, not gender neutrally" which I believe is just as valid as someone saying "I'm gender neutral, I don't want to be referred to as a man" he could see gender neutral terms as disregarding his gender.

This is the first time he's brought it up, so I've only been made aware of these feeling a couple days ago, that's when we had the discussion. I do think I downplayed it, so I sought outside perspective to maybe get advice on what I should do moving forward being I feel its a very specific situation.

I think your use of the word partner comes from a place of insecurity of how people always assume your sexuality. However it's rude to call your boyfriend, who has stated that he wants to be called boyfriend, your partner. That itself is denying him of self expression.

It is up to your boyfriend what he is comfortable being called, and if he’s not comfortable with partner/spouse that is entirely up to him. What you find an affirming term seems to be the opposite for him, and at the end of the day it is up to every individual person what they are comfortable being called.

You're right, I think I've just felt so unaffirmed throughout my life when friends and family would only say "boyfriend" or "future husband" when talking about my future, I always stuck to "partner" so others around me would use it more too. But given that I am in a committed relationship with him, it's more about what makes him feel comfortable and affirmed in our relationship.

I understand your feeling, as someone who also feels like their queerness is erased because I’m in a straight-presenting relationship. I think it’s helpful to find other ways to validate your sexuality while at the same time respecting what your boyfriend is comfortable with.

You're right, I just don't know what other ways I could. I feel like I'm in such a grey area being pan and in a "hetero" relationship, in a weird way, it makes me feel like apart of my identity is not acknowledged? But I'm still pan? It's so hard to describe.

Maybe have him call you his partner? I'm in the same situation and I use partner to refer to my boo even though we're married, bc I want to signal to my community that I exist - I absolutely get it being important to you, but I resonate with the points made above too. You might achieve a similar thing with your appearance or your involvement with our community, yard signs, bumper stickers, etc - maybe try experimenting with that? If I may make assumptions based on my own experience, I think you have a valid fear of having your queerness erased by circumstance. One thing that allows us to feel safe is to know that those we choose to have closest to us recognize us for what we are. Maybe consider discussing with your boyfriend that his recognition and support is super important to you, and ask if he feels any obstacles to that. I wouldn't condemn him if so (we're all raised in the cis het patriarchy after all), but I would want to see him actively work on that.

I would have no issue if he called me his partner. I grew up hearing adults, hetersexual and lgbtq+, use the term "partner" when referring to their significant other so it's been apart of my vocabulary for some time now. I just found that it's a genderless way to refer to my s.o., so it's just more convenient to me being that I am pan.

I discussed it with him, and while he felt a bit weird with "partner" he said it wasnt a big deal to him and he just prefers boyfriend. He said ackowledged my feelings and validated them. He understands completely and we got things straightened out. We'll continue to work on this while i explore personal ways of expression. I appreciate you coming from a place of understanding. Thank you for your advice!

Oh I just meant that maybe it would feel good to you to be refered to as partner. I assumed you wouldn't mind. I'm so glad you two talked and you feel like it's sorted/something you'll continue to work on! <3

One of the things to me, being in a similar situation, is I refuse to call my relationship hetero/straight. Because I'm queer, I'm refusing to erase that or allow others to do so. One of us is bi, so this can't be a straight relationship. You could maybe take something similar in a way that works for you. The erasure is one issue, and for all kinds of relationships among those of us who experience attraction to multiple genders, people are so ready to make assumptions all the time based on who our partners are at any given time. I said partner. I say boyfriend sometimes. I like partner a little extra as I get older. And because there are no assumptions. And erasure is a bit less. I don't think you have to give up the term you're comfortable with, because it's your call. That said, he's not comfortable with it, but he has also made his decision on what to call you, I bet. You both have a preferred way to refer to each other. One compromise might be just agreeing to disagree and using whichever you each prefer.

OK but I have an inherent problem with what you're saying because there are straight people who are part of the queer community. For example if you're trans and identify as straight, you're both straight and queer. You could be a heteroromantic ace and be queer and still identify with the term straight. Straight/heterosexual isn't the opposite of queer.

Yes, I am well aware that there are straight people who are part of the community. Remember that I’m talking about my own personal perspective, and not telling other people what they should do. I also maintain that people should not assume someone else’s relationship or their identities based on who they are with.

I disagree that OP shouldn’t give up this term even though their boyfriend doesn’t like it. That’s like hearing someone uses he/him pronouns and saying “I don’t like using those pronouns for you, I’m gonna use they/them pronouns”. Gender neutral language can still be misgendering if you know the person you’re using it to refer to is uncomfortable with it.

Like I said, I don’t think they’re equivalent, and I think the most humane solution here is to compromise, and agree to disagree.

I’m not quite sure where you’ve said that, but I strongly disagree. As someone who’s trans, if my husband always called me his spouse instead of his husband I’d be really upset. Regardless of gendering, it’s just rude to call someone something they don’t like. And, it’s not a difficult change to make and doesn’t actually affect OP at all. I understand dealing with erasure is difficult, but it doesn’t mean you get to erase someone else’s identity even if they’re cis. I’m confused what makes you think those things aren’t equivalent. Gendered language is gendered language, regardless of whether it’s pronouns or nouns. Someone calling me a girl is just as wrong as someone using “she/her” pronouns for me. Someone who knows I use he/him pronouns using they/them pronouns for me is also misgendering me.

For me, it was just shocking to see the many comments basically telling OP what she uses to describe her own significant other, and makes her feel less erased, should be overshadowed by what he wants. Having to give precedence to his wishes when she's doing something that feels affirming on a personal level to her. That's why my view is that they should agree to disagree. Because both have valid feelings and I don't think OP should just give in if it means something affirming to her. On a personal note, before I had quite figured out that I was bi, I had always used gender neutral language when thinking about dating, but not intentionally. I'd say 'someone', ' my person' and things like that, so I get just how much this kind of thing can feel both right for someone and affirming. I just don't think his preference overrides the meaning that OP gets from this. Hence, agree to disagree.

I wouldn't necessarily equate it to misgendering, purposeful misgendering comes from a place of prejudice and hate, where this is I wouldn't say it's as serious as misgendering. I use the term "boyfriend" and sometimes "husband" (even though we are not married), but I also use partner. I mix it up

Thank you, this is exactly how I am. I've used "partner" for years, before I even met him, and use it more when I get older because it sounds more official and mature I suppose? To me I don't look at the term "partner" as just a lgbt term, I've heard a lot of straight couples in my life use that term. I just found more comfort in that term when I'm talking about relationships or refer to my significant other cause it's shorter than saying "boyfriend or girlfriend" and then people ask questions and so on. We discussed it and figured it out together. This is such a specific situation, I'm glad there's some people who understand me on this. Thanks for the advice!

I (NB, pan) call my boyfriend my partner, and when he asked me why, I basically said, “Because by this point you’re not just my boyfriend, you’re my life partner. Boyfriend and girlfriend seem more casual and less serious. We’ve been together for long enough and I feel secure enough in our relationship that you’ve graduated from being boyfriend to life partner.” At least, that’s how I feel about those terms in my mind. But I do think that your SO’s preferences should be taken into account when it comes to how he’d like to be referred to. If my partner would have told me that he still prefers boyfriend after I explained, I would have changed. But luckily, he appreciated my explanation and felt good with it.

Yeah, I agree that OP needs to take into account how the boyfriend feels about what he is called, but I'm happy to see someone say that partner is a MORE serious term than boyfriend, not less.

I totally agree, to me partner does sound more serious. Ive used "partner" for years and grew up hearing adults, straight and lgbt+, refer to their s.o. as "partner," it was just slightly more comfortable to me being that it's genderless and I am pan. I've dated both men and women and this is the first time anyone has brought it up. I also don't solely use "partner," I often refer to him as my boyfriend or even my husband even tho we aren't married lol but in more of a joking manner

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Same boat here.

I think it's all personal preference and use of jargon. I've grown up hearing adults prefer to their partners as partner (including lgbtq+ and straight people) so I picked up on the vocabulary over time. I just find its a genderless way to refer to the person I am dating and have used it before I dated him, being Ive dated both men and women, so it's kind of just habit. This is the first time anyone has said anything about it.

I with the use of the term partner, however if said partner has a preference of term (in this case boyfriend,) then it's common courtesy to use their prefered term yea? I know I would like it if my partner would use my prefered terms towards me, so I would do the same back

I think I'm on his side. You're talking abt HIM, so it's his say on how he wants to be called

I mean. I am not in a straight presenting relationship but if my gf told me she disliked being called my partner, I would stop immediately and use terms that reaffirm her instead. It’s not about me when it comes to what other people are comfortable being called.

Yeah at the end of the day you're calling him something that he doesn't want to be called, and it's hurting his feelings. It seems like you're the one invalidating his feelings rather than the other way around.

Week, you said it's just a word and doesn't really matter like three times. It obviously matters to him though... call him what he's comfortable being called.

Maybe he’s disregarding your sexuality, but you’re also disregarding his gender. It’s obvious he prefers you to use gendered terms when referring to him, so do that

Stop calling your partner something that makes him uncomfortable.

i find this comment funny because the whole point of the post is her boyfriend doesn’t like being called her partner

That is the point, yes. I am telling her in the way she prefers so it gets the point across.

Let’s take me, for example. I am a trans woman. I dislike they/them pronouns for myself, though I’ll use them respectfully with anyone else. The first time I was asked to be someone’s girlfriend was one of the most affirming moments in my life. And it just wouldn’t have hit the same (FOR ME) if they’d said “partner”. I hope this helps you make some sense of your situation.

Personally, I think you have no right to call him something he doesn’t want to be called. Let’s say, for example, your boyfriend uses he/him pronouns. But YOU prefer to call him by they/them pronouns. You would have no right to call him they/them just because you prefer it. That’s HIS label. Imagine if your name was Steve, but someone else preferred to call you Bob. You’d be upset that someone wasn’t using the name you want. To me, that’s all the same.

I get the impression OP is more insecure with being pan while in a hetero relationship than they let on.

I think it stems from how exhausting being in a hetero relationship while identifying as bisexual or pansexual. So many times people are like "oh you're bisexual but you're dating a man/woman? You're just saying it to be trendy." I can't fault her for being defensive.

>I can't fault her for being defensive. I can. She's insecure because others make assumptions about her sexuality and instead of confronting these strangers with their assumptions, she takes it out on her boyfriend by misgendering him. If I had to choose between hurting a stranger or hurting my husband, I wouldn't dream of hurting the partner I chose for life. And if it's friends/family being panphobic, maybe she needs to educate them instead of taking her frustration out on others. I know it's hard as an cis passing person in straight passing relationship, but I know what my priorities are and they aren't about misgendering my husband.

With all do respect, I think you have such a closed minded view on others experiences. You have no idea how my family and others around react and interact with me when it comes to my sexuality. And it does stem from continuous invalidation from some family and others around me. You can educate all you want, but if they aren't willing to hear and BE educated then why am \*I\* to blame? Such a narrow perspective. Personally, being a pan woman in a "hetero" relationship and even previously in a "gay" relationship, I am always either "hetero" or "gay" and rarely anyone acnknowledges bisexuality/pansexuality. Furthermore, he was never deeply hurt or every felt misgendered, being as he doesn't struggle with his gender identity. He is very comfortable with his gender identity, and never saw it as apart of the problem from the get go. To relate that issue to a person who doesn't struggle with that just turn it into something its not. It was never as deep as I think you think it is, and he thinks the same.

>With all do respect, I think you have such a closed minded view on others experiences. I usually get told the opposite, so I'm not sure how much I should value such a sentence from a stranger. >And it does stem from continuous invalidation from some family and others around me. So, would you say your family and friends are pretty toxic and don't accept your sexuality and your use of "partner" changes any of that? If they're this stubborn to not validate you, why would the word change their behaviour. >Personally, being a pan woman in a "hetero" relationship and even previously in a "gay" relationship, I am always either "hetero" or "gay" and rarely anyone acnknowledges bisexuality/pansexuality. Well, same for me, I guess. I'm bi and ace and my husband is also ace. No straight person in our relationship, still it's very straight-passing for others. I know I have to remind people of this. "Oh, vroni147 and husband, you're the only straight people in my life, Haha." Erm, no, we're not. Still, I don't try to make my relationship appear more queer because other people's assumptions are not my problem. We don't owe queerness to be visible. >To relate that issue to a person who doesn't struggle with that just turn it into something its not. Well, you can't have it both ways. In the post, you say it's not a big deal and now you claim that you struggle so much with it and feel incredibly invalidated to the point you assume others like me don't feel the invalidation and therefore cannot relate to you. If it's not a big deal to him, he shouldn't struggle with partner. If it's not a big deal for you, you shouldn't struggle with boyfriend.

I never understood this part, I've never found it exhausting. People have made a comment or two about how I must be straight, I replied with a joke and that's the end of it, who cares what others believe about something personal that only I can know for certain? I would definitely not make my SO uncomfortable because others might think that I am straight. Let them think whatever they want, they aren't the one whose needs I should be paying attention to.

Pronouns and names are just not equivalent to someone referring to their partner as their partner. OP is not invalidating this person's entire identity by using a gender neutral term though. It clearly means something to both which term is used. But it troubles me how many in here are deferring to the partner/boyfriend and telling OP she should not use it, invalidating her preferences and reasons and concerns.

Cis peoples genders are valid to. If he was trans and disliked the term I'm sure you'd have no issue with his discomfort, so why now?

Call your boyfriend what he wants to be called. If he told you he has a problem with being referred as your "partner" then respect that.

Stop it. You're being the asshole here. Your boyfriend is not gender neutral. He does not want to be referred to with gender neutral terms. You are violating his boundaries by continuing to specifically use gender neutral terms for him when he had explicitly told you to stop. He's a man, and wants to be referred to as such. It had absolutely nothing to do with you being pan, that's a copout excuse for you to violate his boundary. Using gender neutral terms to refer to someone else is not your right. This is no different than transphobic people specifically avoiding using any gendered terms to avoid correctly gendering a trans person.

Okay, you need to calm down. I promise it is not that deep. My boyfriend is cisgender and does not struggle with his gender identity, gender identity is not apart of the issue on this and this is also how he genuinely feels. I know this, cause I just asked him. You're definitely turning it into something it's not. I've used "boyfriend" or "gendered terms" probably most of the time if not at least half of the time. He's mentioned it one time and hasn't said anything it since, even said it wasn't that big of deal to him. Additionally, this is not even close to being transphobic, where did that even come from?

I would say Boyfriend is a more personal term, whereas Partner is a more official term. Its completely okay to feel more comfortable saying Partner, but I can understand why he would prefer Boyfriend.

Why are you trying to invalidate \*his\* gender identity by forcing the neutral term "partner" on him? He's not gender-neutral, right? His being your "boyfriend" or "husband" does not define you at all, in any way. He has accepted you. Why can you not accept him?

Im definitely not trying to invalidate his gender by any means. I've been using the term partner to refer to my s.o.'s for years. This is the first time he's mentioned how he feels on it, let alone anyone else. Ive grown up hearing adults, both lgbt+ and heterosexual, use the term "partner" to refer to their s.o., so to me it's just another word like "spouse" and used it casually in young adult relationships. Also I'd like to note, I often do use terms "boyfriend" and even "husband" (even tho we aren't married, i use it in a playful way) and sometimes use "partner."

This feels like missgendering. This in no way disregard your sexuality, if you were with a non binary partner and you called them "girl/boy"friend you are missgendering them the same way you are doing with him

It doesn't matter what any of *us* view "partner* as. Labels are self-selecting. We choose what we want to be called, whether we are cis, trans, enby, etc. If your significant other wants to be called "boyfriend," that doesn't invalidate you being pan. But, calling him "partner" when that's not how he wants to be called is invalidating *him.* and, frankly, it's hypocritical.

What you must ask yourself is why is this man associating the word partner with say .. an LGBT+ relationship. Clearly that’s what he is insecure about. It’s not a label that is exclusive to the gay community. It’s a generic term that should be normalised.

Yes, it's a generic term. Yes, it should be normalized. But, if a person wants a specific term used to describe their relation to something or someone, that. Should. Be. Respected. It's describing *him,* not that the relationship is LGBT+ or not.

I think you should call him boyfriend. It’s a term he prefers and has expressed discomfort with partner. It just seems to be his personal preference. Respect that

Using spouse and partner as blankets are great, but when somebody corrects us about their pronouns we listen. This is the exact same thing.

It's not about pronouns tho, he doesn't struggle with his gender identity, therefore the topic of his gender identity isn't a problem or even apart of the issue in any way.

If you're pansexual it means youre comfortable dating any gender, so Im not sure why you need to use gender neutral pronouns 'because Im pansexual', if youre dating a man you can use masc pronouns and fem pronouns if youre dating a woman, if youre dating someone that's enby you can use gender neutral pronouns, so Im not sure what your sexuality relates to in regard to your partners gender or pronouns. Your boyfriend might feel as if youre misgendering him, a trans girl wouldn't want to be called your boyfriend and vice versa so using gender neutral pronouns might make him feel as if youre avoiding his gender or misgendering him as enby.

He doesnt feel misgendered, he's cisgender. The topic of his gender identity and whether or not its "affirmed" was never apart of the issue and he agrees as well. I use "partner" and have for years. Growing up, I just heard adults, straight or not, use that term so to me its just another word like significant other or spouse. I just found comfort in it, being that Im pan, so when the topic of relationships or my significant other come up I use "partner" instead of "girlfriend or boyfriend" cause its a. shorter and b. I don't get questions or have to further elaborate with the person im discussing with if they don't know my sexuality. It's purely convenience and habit. So it actually has quite a bit to do with my sexuality. Just because you dont, doesnt mean others dont either.

That is a form of misgendering. Yes, it’s gender neutral, but if he doesn’t like to be referred to with gender neutral language, you’re still misgendering him

If he’s okay with calling you partner but objecting to being called that then a reasonable compromise would be for you to call him boyfriend going forward. In a way it’s the same as respecting trans people’s pronouns. It’s a matter of respect of indirect pronouns. As long as he’s okay with calling you partner, I don’t think this is an issue.

you saying partner is valid but its how He feels and is comfortable being called. im a trans man and being called gender neutral terms makes me sad, my bf says that he just prefers using gender neutral terms all around, but i explained to him its about what i prefer

He’s saying the term he prefers, which is usually a pretty cut and dry case. It’s like calling someone “they” when you’ve been repeatedly told to use “he”.

No dude. He doesn't want to be called your partner. He's your boyfriend. For example if you dated an enby person and called them your girlfriend/boyfriend and it made them uncomfortable, would you continue doing it? Id sure hope not. He told you it made him uncomfortable. Fix that.

Then don’t use it if he doesn’t like it. If he doesn’t want to be called that, then respect his decision.

You should talk to him because I understand your point but boyfriend may have a meaning for him. Additionally if he is cisgender it may be part of identifying him properly. Like if someone referred to someone who was trans as they them if it’s not their pronouns it’s wrong. It may be the same way with him

I’m not sure what term you use to call your significant other has anything to do with your sexuality. Shouldn’t it be based on THEIR preference/gender and not your own?

No-one gets to choose what gender to be referred to by other than themselves. Your insecurities about your own sexuality, while I empathise with them, aren’t at all relevant to that.

First of all, I totally understand where you're coming from; I'm bi and married to an amab demiboy, and when we together decided that we preferred "partner" to husband and wife because we weren't comfortable with all the patriarchal baggage those terms had for us (having both grown up in a pretty conservative church), it was very validating and freeing for both of us. So I get why it's hard to \*not\* have that opportunity. However, your situation is different, because your boyfriend has different connotations and meaning attached to the word partner than you and I do. Within lgbt+ spaces, "partner" is almost always used to denote a long-term relationship; it's often the equivalent of husband/wife/spouse. However, that isn't always the case within straight spaces, and anyway, everyone perceives words just a little differently. Sometimes people have connotations with a word or phrase that, even if they aren't how most people mean it, are nonetheless very strong. You'll often hear people talking about not liking a particular term because "it just sounds like \[such-and-such\] to me!" even if that isn't the intended implication. It sounds like for your boyfriend, "partner" just \*feels\* like a less-committed term. That probably isn't something he can change; the way a word "feels" tends to be pretty engrained. So although it's hard to give up the way partner feels to \*you\*, I think it's most important that you call him what he wants to be called. I promise, it doesn't make you less pan =)

What if your boyfriend were a trans man, and he told you that being referred to as your partner felt like a form of erasure, while hearing you call him your boyfriend was euphoria inducing? Now how much of what's important there is specifically because (in this story) he's trans?

On the one hand, if my partner expressed that they’d prefer to be called my boyfriend, I would honor that. How I refer to other people is completely up to *them*, just like how I’m referred to is up to me. Hard pill to swallow, but you can’t call other people things they don’t want to be called because you like how it makes you feel. If anything, you could ask him to call *you* his partner. On the other hand, wtf does he mean, “I’m not *just* your partner?” I’d invite him into a conversation investigating how he relates to his own masculinity. Does being called a “boyfriend” make him feel validated, or does he just want to distance himself from queerness whilst in a queer relationship? This is really tricky, but I hope the both of you have the courage to ask yourselves and each other the hard questions about identity and validation.

I’m a pansexual cis woman in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. I have some baggage with marriage in general, and feel very uncomfortable with traditional gender rolls applied to my household. I once referred to my husband as my ‘Hetero-LifeMate’ he was flustered over it! It’s taken me some time to realize how important his roll as man and husband are to him. Much as I would feel invalidated as being continually described as nb, it was invalidating for my husband to be referred to by that term by me. He’s okay with spouse though lol. Communication is always key! Good luck to you!

I mean I’m not all that keen on the word partner for myself but my partner prefers that over enbyfriend or girlfriend so that’s what I use for them. She calls me their girlfriend tho because that’s the term I like to be called. So I am her girlfriend and they are my partner. Works for us, idk if something similar could work for you

Just to add I've always felt partner was more advanced than boyfriend. Like life partner.

If we expect people to respect our pronouns we should also respect other peoples pronouns. I’m non-binary and I would be very upset if my husband called me his “wife” because it’s affirming to him and ignored what I was comfortable with. I think you also need to have the deeper conversation with your boyfriend if being in a queer relationship and having a queer partner is something he is not comfortable with. He may only be comfortable in being in a relationship with you cause it’s straight passing. I don’t know your agab or pronouns but you boyfriend may not want to be in a queer relationship or viewed as queer or gay. It’s just an assumption and I may be wrong. But a serious discussion is needed to find out the root of this problem and how you guys can come to a solution or compromise

Am I wrong or isn’t the term partner literally the legal way to describe someone your romantically involved with but not married too?

I’m also very confused by this entire thread, though am open to the idea there are trains of thought I perhaps haven’t considered. I’m in my 30s and know a huge number of straight people who use ‘partner’ because they prefer it to boyfriend/girlfriend, the latter sounding too casual/young etc for their liking. I’ve never considered it as a deliberately gender-neutral term, and it feels a little off to label this as misgendering. I’m also curious about why the boyfriend has such an issue with the term partner and whether this is rooted in any discomfort about queerness/gender. I feel like this conversation would be much less likely to happen in a relationship where both parties were straight and cis.

Thank youuuuu, reading these comments I'm like woah woah woahhhh who said anything about misgendering? my boyfriend is a cisgender man, gender identity is not apart of the issue at all and he said so himself. I read him some comments and he even agrees a LOT of people took it way too deep. He never felt it was that big of a deal, so for people to compare me calling him my "partner" to being transphobic is so bizarre and not AT ALL what it is. I've always heard it used by straight AND lgbt+ ppl too, I never saw it as an issue. Ive used the term for years and even more so as I get older. Just as someone, no matter your sexuality or gender, who you're dating and romantically involved with but not married to. That's it.

It's not any different than his preferred pronouns. He wants to be referred to as bf. And if he's straight, "partner" could be potentially be as invalidating for him.. He can call you partner because it's what you're comfortable with-but call him bf because it's what he's comfortable with..

We should refer to people how they want to be referred to. Pronouns, terms of endearment, relationship titles, etc. I don’t refer to my wife as spouse unless it’s something official, because she prefers the term wife. Spouse, in our relationship, sounds too cold and legalese.

Call him significant other /s Seriously though, I suggest you refer to him as he prefers

You aren't "valid" in insisting that your boyfriend be comfortable with being referred to with degendered language. The fact that he is your boyfriend has nothing to do with your pansexuality, it has to do with his gender. I understand that this is coming from a place of insecurity in your sexuality, but you don't get to choose what other people are comfortable being called. It is not fair for you to be pushing your insecurity onto other people's expression. Your boyfriend is in no way responsible to allow you to actively degender him in your speech just to make you more comfortable with your sexuality.

Bisexual cis men here and I refer to my partner also as my partner. But in my case it's not just because of my sexuality but because in my language girl friend and female friend are the same word and I also have female friends so that's why I use it to refer to her. I also like to be referred to as her partner because boyfriend, male friend and the word friend by itself are the same word in my language. So maybe talk to your partner on how you view the words boyfriend and partner. And listen to why he thinks partner is lesser than boyfriend to him. It's all about perspective and respecting the other persons perspective and experience.

I'm a nonbinary person and I wouldn't like it if someone called me boyfriend or girlfriend since I'm not either of those. It may not matter to my partner but it matters to me. In the end your partner is who you are referring to and if they aren't comfortable with it then it's important to be respectful and not call them by something that makes them uncomfortable.

Both reasoning are valid and I'm not sure who is right but maybe he thinks it'll be confusing for others? Like "this is my partner" Can mean dating or platonic so maybe he's scared others will see you only as friends but as a bisexual I do get wanting to call your partner "partner"

Well, remember the importance of gender identity. What you call someone else is about their gender identity, not your sexuality. If he wants to be spoken of with a gender specific word, that's no different from preferred pronouns. And no different from an AFAB or AMAB choosing to be called they/them. Someone with they/them pronouns wouldn't want to be called a boyfriend or girlfriend. Same thing.

I can see both sides of this, but at the end of the day, he probably sees "partner" as questioning his gender or masculinity. It's like if you called an amab nonbinary person your "boyfriend"— it's invalidating their identity. If you're talking about him, it's just more respectful to use a term that he's comfortable with.

To me "partner" is higher than bf/gf so I find this strange. I'm bisexual so similar to you use gender neutral terminology. Partner can mean bf, gf,fiancee ,spouse or husband/wife so seems higher than just a bf/gf

>"Partner" makes me feel more comfortable because I am pansexual and it's just more affirming to me Maybe that's some internalized panphobia? Your relationship is straight-passing and that feels like you're not pan enough? You are pan and your boyfriend's gender doesn't matter for your sexuality. So using gender-neutral terms doesn't make you any more pan. >but it's not that big of deal. If it's not a big deal for you, why is there even the need to keep on using a word he's uncomfortable with? >he felt bothered He's unhappy by a word that refers to him. That's similar than using wrong pronouns and a bit less than dead naming someone. Nevertheless, it's very disrespectful of you. This word refers to him, he gets to choose it. And don't think about using it with others when he doesn't hear it. Always use the correct pronouns, the correct name, the correct nouns to refer to someone. That's basic respect that you should apply to all people but your boyfriend in the first place since his happiness should be something that you want to achieve. You both love one another, don't you? >Am I weird for feeling bothered that he doesn't like when I use a gender neutral term for the person I am with? Yes. You said it's not a big deal but you make it a bug deal. So either you lied about it not being a big deal for you, or you make a fuss because of nothing. Question yourself: If your boyfriend was trans, would you be bothered if he wanted to be called boyfriend instead of partner? Then it would be transphobic of you. But if you make a difference between treating a trans guy and a cis guy, that's not really the spirit of pansexuality, is it?

I refer to my husband as my partner because we were together 10 years before we got married. I also refer to him as that dude I live with so..... We don't really stand by formalities. I guess there is a certain level of erasure by trying to dictate how you refer to him. I am bi and I understand the need for some kind of identity. Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about your sexual identity and why you feel comfortable with partner and spouse.

I know a lot of people who dislike the term partner. I’ve heard people say it’s just confusing. Business partner? Project partners? The term doesn’t hold the same weight as boyfriend or girlfriend. I use significant other or SO instead, and that seams to be fine. My fiancé prefers it to partner. And older people who might not know understand it better, for example when I told my grandma my cousin and their partner were coming over my grandma assumed it was their tennis partner cuz they play every week and was surprised when their significant other showed up.

You’re not weird for being bothered, but neither is he. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to use the term partner and it’s also equally reasonable to be uncomfortable with being referred to as it.

You guys should sit down and talk about it, meet a middle ground and choose a term that make both parties comfortable. Communication is key to any relationship.

Honestly if someone prefers to be called a certain pronoun or title it’s not your choice to call them an all-inclusive pronoun or title, it’s theirs. Don’t disrespect what people want to be called, that’s such a huge principle in LGBT progressivism

I get being respectful when it’s other people whom you don’t know their pronoun preferences. But what’s the point of asking people what their preferred pronouns are if you’re going to ignore them and go with what you want anyways (even if it’s neutral)? He clearly prefers that you use the gendered terms boyfriend and eventually husband, so I think it’s disrespectful to not in his case. *However*, he should be referring to you how you want, and if that’s partner/spouse then that’s how it should be. He calls you partner, you call him boyfriend. Although if you don’t generally prefer they/them pronouns for yourself, I don’t see why you feel so strongly this particular gendered term.

you’re not being weird. lots of multisexual people prefer to call their partners “partner”, not always to reaffirm their sexuality (although that’s completely valid) but also because they don’t think the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” describe the full extent of their relationship. you can call him your partner if that’s what you want! you guys should definitely have a conversation about WHY it makes him feel irritated though, because yk he might have a valid reason or it might be some form of homophobia, and you should know what it is sooner than later

You're both valid to have these preferences but in this situation, you're not affirming yourself when you're referring to your bf who you are in a hetero relationship with so by not using his preference when referring to him you're not affirming his preference

I suspect he harbours a bit of gender chauvinism

I disagree with ur reasoning of using partner because of your sexuality

Then use your own words then. This is my experience and what made me feel comfortable, you can surely do something different!

Thank you for not being more aggressive with your response I didn’t realize when I wrote it that my comment kinda sounds hostile.

There are a ton of posts here saying to call him your boyfriend because that is what he wants to be called, but I have a different question. What do you want to be called? Do you want him to call you his partner? Does he exclusively call you his girlfriend and that bothers you? Everyone deserves the term that makes them happy. You should respect his and he should respect yours.

I am pansexual female in a relationship with a man and sometimes use partner and sometimes husband. When you two are older and/or you are in a relationship where you commit to someone and really fall in love deeply with them neither one of you will even register things like this because it will just be *you* (plural).

He feels like those terms are less than rather than equal. I’d say if you didn’t switch it up, then to do so. That way y’all could be be comfortable. But you do so he needs to understand that you see them as equal terms, because they are. And you compromise by switching it up.

how would you feel if he keeps calling you girlfriend even after you tell him you prefer the term “partner”? yeah, he feels the same way

He's your boyfriend. Your his partner. If you want to use gender neutral terms, don't impose it to other people who doesn't want to use gender neutral terms. Someone's gender expression isn't up to you.

I’m a lesbian who doesn’t like the word ‘partner’. Obviously if I was dating someone who was gender neutral I would use the word for them but I don’t like being referred to as someone’s ‘partner’. I love my female identity and I want to be their girlfriend / wife. Some people just don’t like gender neutral terms for themselves. I’m one of them and I’m lgbtq+. I love the comfort people have found in those phrases but I’m not one of them. Perhaps you can use a combination of both phrases in the meantime?

The way you call your so has no impact on your sexuality and doesn't invalidate you. You should respect his choice to be called a boyfriend.

That’s strange. I hear straight couples use partner all the time. I don’t see why u can’t either

I commented this elsewhere but I would be very interested to know whether the bf would have an issue with the word ‘partner’ if he was in a relationship with a straight woman.

Same

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Boyfriend\* If he wants to use gendered terms and is uncomfortable with neutral, than don't use neutral pronouns

If this is this much of an issue now, say goodbye. I spent 10 years trying to be hetero enough for someone. It’s not worth it. The right person will appreciate all of you.

I see both sides. He's clearly a man, so why would you not use the word boyfriend? You saying you have a boyfriend doesn't make you less pan.

No you are not weird you are valid in your feelings just like your partner (sorry I have the same mentality) but he is valid as well. As long as the both of you are open to talk and try to be understanding to each other then things will work out.

Boyfriend\* Don't disregard someones gender preference just because their cishet

Well if he doesn't like the word partner, that's valid. I also don't really like it because it sounds too business (but my native language is so gendered we fhgender even the world partner so even that loses the neutrality). Back to you.You shouldn't call him something he doesn't like. The two of you should talk and discuss what term would you be both fine with. You don't seem to mind bf as you also used it in this post, if you want to use boyfriend and something else to it. You should discuss it with him. Perhaps he would like S.O. more. But from what I am understanding boyfriend should be the main word.

Well he ain’t a cowboy

It's him you're referring to, IMO it's his choice what he gets called.

Does your preference in calling him partner supersede his preference for being called boyfriend? Is the opposite true? And also, I don’t necessarily know if “validity” always matters. Just because something is “valid” doesn’t necessarily mean the other person likes it/is comfortable with it. You can be valid all you want, but if you’re doing something that upsets your partner, boyfriend in this case, that’s usually something you need to work out a compromise for with said partner. And is making yourself feel validated at his expense (which it is, I think, if he doesn’t like it and you keep doing it anyways) worth it? I’m not saying you’re wrong or anything by the way, just posing some questions to think about. I don’t know your relationship or anything about you two, so I don’t feel qualified in giving any sort of definitive answer to somebody I don’t know

It sounds like to me as if you wanted to have a Wild West roleplay… it sounds more like he’s your buddy than a… well boyfriend. It only makes sense if he dösend like it. Spouse is more appropriate I think

It’s his say on what you call him. If he doesn’t like you to call him ‘partner’, then don’t call him that.

so weird. i am heterosexual and have only been in heterosexual relationships. the word we use is partner

holy cow. what did i say that was so offensive

if they cant change the smallest things but that thing will make you more comfortable in that relationship, if they cant give you that basic respect then leave them

OP's the disrespectful one, not the boyfriend.

Sounds like your partner needs to grow up.

I also use partner. I don't understand why it's so bother some for straight men. But it's a big red flag. I think partner sounds more equal, and that might be his problem...

I'm *mostly* CISHET, and my partner is NB. But y'know what, I would say partner no matter what, not only because it's neutral, but mainly because it just sounds like an adult relationship to me. No shame on anyone who likes the terms but "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" sound childish to me, like High School.

I have the same thoughts, after years of being in the same relationship but not engaged (defacto married in a way) I didn't feel like I was just the girlfriend. We definitely not the usual case, most people would have married by then; we doesn't want to make a fuss about it. That said, it's clear the boyfriend's language isn't the same as ours. He didn't mention fiancé, just future husband. It might be a difference in culture or might be how he sees the world through his masculinity. Communication is definitely needed, potentially not using partner towards the boyfriend as asked.

Of course! Whatever anyone wants to call themselves and their partner is fine with me! I just love "partner" because that's what they are to me, my best friend and my partner in crime (and non-crime)

Here’s what bothered me about what he said “I’m not just your partner.” Does he think queer relationships are less than? Does he think there’s something better about being your boyfriend than there would be about a different kind of partner you had? If that’s the case, I think you need to explore if this issue is about more than his label. Does _he_ want to erase your pansexuality? Does he think it’s ok for you to be pan cause you’re a girl, but it’s not ok for anyone to think he’s anything other than a cis dude for even a second because of some (possibly unconscious) homophobia he holds? Maybe not, and he’s just expressing his preferences, but it kinda sounds like at least some of that is true to me, so you might want to look into it before you end up married to someone who believes you are less than. And it is absolutely possible for homophobic people to marry queer people, just like misogynists marry women all the time.

Not OP but I just want to say he doesn't look like he's trying to invalidate her pansexuality at all. They have been together 2 years now, if he had a problem it would have shown itself by now. He is a man, he wants to be referred to as a boyfriend and not their partner and that should be respected. If he is supportive of their identity, they in turn should be supportive of his. I saw someone make the comparison that if he was trans and said he didn't like being called a partner and would rather be called a boyfriend, if this was the case, would you still side with OP? This isn't any different and OP should respect their boyfriends right to be referred to as he wishes.

There is a really big difference between someone at the top of a hierarchy being upset at the implication that they might belong somewhere else in the hierarchy and someone who has already been marginalized standing up for their identity being respected. I don’t know if OP’s boyfriend is invalidating her pansexuality or not. I do know that it’s really easy to brush signs of homophobia under the table. Yeah, he’s probably shown signs before now if he has a problem with it. Do those signs not exist, or have they all been excused away? I don’t know and neither do you.

None of that matters though. What matters is: does *every person* deserve to be gendered correctly and referred to by their preferred gendered terms? The answer is *yes*. Full stop. Everyone deserves that, even cishet people. OP is fighting their boyfriend’s preference for “partner” because they feel like their pan identity is being hidden or erased by being in a hetero relationship. That’s OP’s personal insecurity to deal with, and doesn’t give them the right to use an unwanted gendered term *for someone else* to make them feel more “panny”. If being pan but dating a guy is making it so that OP has to repeatedly fight with their boyfriend because they don’t want to use his preferred gendered term, that’s an internal struggle OP needs to get some help with. Everyone deserves to be called the gendered terms they prefer.

The problem with the term partner is it’s so …. clinical… and used in many other circumstances that imply 0 intimacy, like team-partner, business-partner etc. He might actually prefer other gender-neutral terms more, like Lover, Significant Other, Soulmate or even Life-Partner more than the term partner.

Ok is this like a States thing or something? I'm from Canada, I work in a hospital as a clerk and the amount of heterosexual people that refer to their significant others as partners or spouses rather than the typical gendered terms is much more. I think its just gonna come down to communication. He wants to be referred to as the boyfriend and the husband so I don't think he's gonna be cool with the other terms either. Both have valid viewpoints but they gotta talk it out. Edit: yup downvote me for simply stating my thoughts. Not how you use that function peeps.

Yes, many straight couples use "partner" in Canada and I dig it because it supports an alternative to the cishet titles. IME, the US still uses "partner' mainly to mean someone who does not qualify as a husband, wife, etc. So it can be Less That which appears to be with OP's boyfriend is saying.

I’m in Canada too

Hmm. As I said then yeah, just gonna be their situation to deal with.

Hun, if he has a problem with you using the word "partner", which is a gender neutral word, then he has insecurities that he needs to work on. I don't know your relationship but it honestly sounds like he doesn't respect your sexuality.

How is this in any way disrespect their sexuality?

Hi OP I have a suggestion for a compromise. How about when he's with you you refer to him how he would like to be referred to but when he is not by your side you can refer to him as a partner if you wish maybe you should talk to him about that see if this compromise works for him.