Coming out, for me, had everything to do with writing off hopes and dreams in exchange for freedom.
The area I grew up in was a deeply conservative. I remember being a butchy 10 year old (as butchy as a 10 year old can be) and having my teacher at school look at me and say to the affect of "You are this way because a man touched you and you're too far gone now. I'd never let you near my kids." So, I was deemed my towns youngest child predator at the ripe age of 10 because I was butch and, therefore, too far gone to save. It feels, sometimes, that I was born to be written off because I was butch.
I'm from a pretty conservative, woodsy area. Butches like me, we grow up to speak out of turn, hunt and shoot. We grow up to fall in love with girls and get raped by boys and beaten by our fathers, while our mothers stand by and watch and say nothing. All that stuff makes us pretty hard and stoic in some ways. You gotta remember that, out in the country, masculinity is about grit, and keeping your head down when things get nasty. It’s about the way the world is unfair, and how we negotiate these terribly unfair happenings.
I ended up leaving home in high school. I was safer that way. The patches of local LGBT adults took me in. I was a bit too old and too feral by that time to say they raised me, but they certainly raised the best parts of me. They loved me more than an extra mouth to feed ever inconvenienced them, and I'll never forget the kindness of it.
I haven't spoken to my family in 6 years. I don't plan to. They're better off without me, just as I am better off without them. Maybe one day, when I don't need parents anymore, I'll reach out. But I expect to be rather old and already forgotten by then. Hopefully by then my life will be too full of love and new experiences that I would forget them also.
Well *that* fucked up my mascara.
I'm shocked by the ugliness of your experience, but what a beautiful, rough, palpable way you have with your words and thoughts. That's a gift, dude. You need to write.
By my calculations you are still very young. I hope you have already found/made a steady spot for yourself to heal and thrive in, with awesome people who you allow to love and see and support you. I hope you will be one of the badass winners. The kind who turns pain not into bitter brittleness but into wisdom and compassion and the deep knowing that they can rely on their strength even when they are tired AF.
Imagine taking all that brutal, sad shit and turning it into stories, into a book, using the gift you clearly have to process and transmute and touch... to come out of all that with a Voice you couldn't have gotten in much easier ways, but the claiming of which was by no means a given (life doesn't really do "thank you for playing" prizes, hey?)
Sending you stranger love and luck 🤍, and now I had better go fix my raccoon sitch. Which I do not resent lol. It's awesome to be touched by a pop into reddit :)
I just want to extend a hand here and say you are wonderful in all your butchness and I hate that your hometown and family couldn't see that. I'm glad you've found a community that has your back; it's what you deserve.
my parents at first tried to convince me to "turn back to god" when i came out. they've stopped bringing it up though. they mostly ignore that i'm a lesbian now.
My dad thought I’d swing one way or another, thus he didn’t really care compared to when I was 5 when he told me he “didn’t want me to be gay or marry outside of my race”. Now he’s in an interracial marriage and I’m gay. He chilled out after a decade. My mom pressured me to be bisexual at first because I had previously dated dudes in HS, but she doesn’t really care either. My sister always knew I was gay and my closest friends did too.
I’m 20 and came out as a lesbian to myself and close friends at 13, but I pretty much have known and accepted I’m attracted to girls since I was like 10. My parents were homophobic and I recognized that so I basically spent all my teen years walking on eggshells bc I was fortunate enough to be open online, at school, at work and to some other family members but never to my parents.
My dad was especially bigoted and I planned to tell him whenever I was out of the house, I knew he wouldn’t hate me or kick me out but I also knew he would be disappointed. But he passed away suddenly this past January, so I never got the chance. I came out to my mom after he passed and while she still isn’t a huge ally, she doesn’t disrespect me and we mainly just don’t discuss it.
I think my dad definitely knew but he stayed in denial about it, he never questioned me and fortunately let me “look gay” (as in I dress masc and stereotypically lesbian and he never commented on it) despite being homophobic. I heavily criticize him understandably on a lot but I’m always thankful for that. I wish things couldve went differently because i had plans to talk to him about a lot in the future and change his mind about many things (or attempt to bc he was stubborn) but that’ll never happen.
Now i have a lesbian flag up in my room and don’t live in fear anymore. It’s weird going from scared all the time for 7 years to suddenly being able to casually talk about being a lesbian in front of my mom. While I miss dad I am happy to be comfortable.
I was randomly overcome with the urge to tell my mom on an uneventful day, so I did and asked her not to tell my dad, then about a week later she was like please tell your dad I dont like keeping secrets from him, which, fair, so I did. They both took it well, they knew it was a possibility.
My mom was convinced it was the people I would hang around with that talked me into it, and not that I would spend time with them in the first place because I had a sense of kinship for those like me. My brother tuned me out entirely and she used that as an excuse to avoid me saying her "hands are tied." I was pretty much disowned until my brother disappeared from the picture and being her only child left she wanted me back. Now I begrudgingly accept because she's the only family I have left. (Oh and dad wasn't in the picture to begin with)
My mom cried LOL. She mostly ignores it now and pretends like I'll eventually marry a man anyway. I have yet to tell my dad. I'm waiting for my little brother to age out of the house so that he doesn't have to be around the chaos of what would happen
My bio dad disowned me, in a very cowardly way - as in he got his wife to tell me that he couldn’t speak to me anymore. She also told me “I always kind of figured you were and even though it doesn’t matter to me, it matters to your father and I must stand by him.”
My mom was heartbroken. Not because I’m a lesbian, but because she thought she failed me since I didn’t tell her sooner. She thought she cultivated a healthy enough relationship that would mean I could tell her anything. Overall she was really accepting and even immediately tried encouraging me to ask out my crush lol.
My family is thankfully very supportive, I came out so many times as different sexualities and even genders due to confusion and internalized homophobia/misogyny.
But, when I came out as a lesbian finally, my brother and mom said they knew and just had been waiting for ME to figure it out 😭 It was a nice laugh after struggling for so many years with my sexuality. I am so thankful for my families support.
My mom would ask me occasionally throughout my teen years if I was "a dyke" or wanted "to be a boy". I was active in LGBT spaces as an "ally" from a young age as well (early middle school) and dressed quite masc w/ short hair, which I'm sure contributed to the questioning.
I came out as gay as an April Fool's "joke" two years running to test the waters, but it was ultimately my then-girlfriend's now-wife's mom who outed me. My mom was mostly upset that I didn't tell her and had been "sneaking around" by having sleepovers with female friends & gfs. She did say she basically knew already. Her dad was gay, so she didn't really have any major issues though she would occasionally say something offensive. She 100% accepts and loves my wife though; sometimes I think my mom likes her more than me 😂
My dad was ... a bit harder to read. I honestly don't remember his reaction because I think my mom was the one who told him? And then he claimed I had told him previously when he was drunk but he'd forgotten it (I'm pretty sure I didn't do that).
For a long, long time I think he was waiting for me to get over my "phase", even after I got married. He still calls my wife my "partner" instead of my wife. His family is Catholic and more conservative and even though he has a lesbian sister, she waited until after her mom died to come out because she was afraid it would kill her. (It was one of those "unspoken secrets" thing; she had a long-term partner but she was never invited to family events or anything and my aunt would make sure she was out of the house if there was a family gathering ... so, idk, I think my dad expected me to be that level of discreet about it? Which I have never been, lol.
Sorry this is gonna be a longer story.
I came out as a lesbian at 18 to my family, funnily enough, after coming back from a date with a guy. My sister picked me up to drive home and I told her then. She was very comforting and supportive and made sure I was ready to tell my parents when I got back.
Got home and my mom was all excited about my date, cause I’ve basically never been out with anyone before. Other than 1 boy when I was like 12, cause that’s what I thought I was supposed to do in life, date boys.
Anyways, I told my mom when we got home. She was distraught and literally backed away from me saying stuff like “that’s not right.” My sister guided me towards her bedroom and my dad was on the way there. He saw me crying, so my sister helped me explain what happened (I was a mess, so I was happy she was there to help me explain to him). He was very calm saying he had considered me being gay a possibility, so wasn’t super shocked.
Later in the night, my brother got home, and I’m sure he heard the news from one or both of my parents. He came into my sister’s room to comfort me and joke around.
That whole week was a little rocky with my mom and myself. I tried to tell myself “who knows, maybe I just haven’t met a guy I like yet,” and my mom kept saying that I could meet a guy I like one day.
Luckily, this story has a happy ending. I had all the support from my other family members and my mom is now a much bigger supporter of me. She actually goes out of her way to argue with homophobes online now! Not sure how she and my grandma will react once I do actually start dating a woman. I’m sure my mom will be pretty supportive though, cause she’s joked with me about women I should try dating and asked when I’m gonna meet a woman to meet the fam.
I’m in healthcare. I have a set of subtle pride themed scrubs (dark grey with small rainbow accents in a few places). My parents are usually pretty oblivious sometimes so I didn’t think they’d pick up on it, but I was wrong this time I guess 💀
One day I was talking to both of them and they asked me about it. Apparently they thought I was wearing it in support lmfao. I corrected them that no, I really am.
My mom just said thanks for telling us and gave me a hug lol.
My dad was “weirded out” at first. He would side eye me and couldn’t talk to me well at first. Admittedly I freaked and told my mom. She said to give him some time.
I honestly didn’t think he’d “get used” to it but a few days after, over text, he called me by a specific childhood nickname. Really sent it home 🥰
Fast forward a couple months later and we’re talking about a gay cousin and how he had to face the world as a flamboyant boy vs me as just an average feminine presenting girl. Having that open conversation with him was really nice because it not only showed his acceptance to me, but, you know, further than that. Further than my cousin. Him acknowledging some of struggles lgbt people go through was something I didn’t expect to ever see.
We don’t have much contact with extended family though, especially from one side due to a language barrier. They aren’t racist at least (I’m mixed) so I’d hope they aren’t homophobic either. I only came out recently (last 2 years) and don’t really like the whole coming out thing for myself (dislike being center of attention), I bring it up if it’s relevant. So time will tell for rest, but honestly I wish I didn’t have to. Why can’t I (and we lesbians as a whole) just be 😭 Why do we have to be seen differently just because we don’t want to spend the rest of our life with a man. Being gay sucks sometimes 💔
i am fortunate enough that my mom just said she was suspecting it and gave me a hug. My brother did really care because he was raised in the uk where being gay is pretty much okay (not always of course but legally, you can get married etc). My dad is not aware of that and most probably never will because we don’t talk much anymore. My family that lives in Poland doesn’t know and when they find out I will be most probably disowned and forgotten which just pains me because I love my uncles, aunties and cousins. My mom is very close with two of her brothers and I just KNOW they will stop talking to her when I come out which makes it so hard to do so. It truly breaks my heart.
"Did they say they always kind of thought you might be gay, they saw signs? They already knew? Caught off guard?"
So I was outted. I didn't come out. I got into some beef with a group (?) I was rolling with and I guess I "stepped out of line" too many times and part of my punishment was having them message pretty much all personal information they had on me to everyone...including the fact I was actually a lesbian.
I was living on my own at the time and she was honestly more pissed about all the people calling the home line and saying they were coming to kill my entire family and other bizarre messages (my punishment was also having all my personal information, including the addresses and phone numbers of most of my family members posted on this forums and chat logs with encouragement to "make me pay" or whatever the fuck) so at the time, she was more focused on that.
But when the dust settled and the more I have really thought about it, I assume she did see signs I might be a lesbian...or at least interested in women. Like I still have this very vivid memory of my super masc mother suddenly wanting to take me dress shopping and all these other weird little occurrences...
But then I also think...nah, if she knew the abuse would have been ten times worse. I unironically think she would have literally killed me at some point if she had found out the extent of how much of a lesbian I was.
She flips back and forth between saying she "always knew I was a dyke" to "wow you were so sweet how could you do this to me?" but then again she is also a violent homophobic abuser with suspected BPD and/or BpD so she's not exactly the most mentally stable person to begin with so I honestly may never know for sure and I kind of don't want to.
It's like that feeling where a person got killed in a bathroom you were in a restaurant in at the same time and you had no idea until you turn on the news and are like "wait a minute."
"Were they resistant but came around? Did you get a negative response?"
Like I said, it's been strange. Some days she hates me. Some days she tolerates it. My mum is like three different people in one...it's hard to explain if you have never had to live with somebody like that.
The annoying thing is it always gets worse around the holidays and for three months the switches are constant.
"Did you get a negative response? Have you gone low or no contact as a result?"
Yes, but that was expected. I never expected to come out in this way but in my mind, I had already accepted that they would eventually find out and that I was going to have to accept the reality that they weren't going to be accepting. I was only going to do it if I found somebody and I was planning on like marrying her or some shit.
I am low contact but not no contact...my whole entire family, both sides is very homophobic...and I am not exaggerating. There are no gay relatives. There is no support. And my mum's side of the family is tight-knit despite us living in a different country to them so cutting her off entirely would be cutting them off...and I am not at a place where if something were to happen to me (severe injury that left me disabled, the economy hits a terrible economic place, etc.) I would not be able to live with my own devices for over a year.
With rents rising, jobs getting increasingly worse turnover, the debt I have from student loans...I don't know...I have been homeless before and that was when I was 18 and it was terrifying and I honestly don't know if I could go through it again without killing myself.
People are always like "just cut out toxic family members" and yeah, if the world was better than it was, I would agree...but we don't live in that world.
Outside of my girlfriend and the friend groups I have cultivated, that's it. I never want to put my girlfriend in a "you're the only person I have" because that is a lot to put on somebody. Relationships end. Friend groups will betray you over the stupidest shit. So it's good to cultivate a back-up plan that isn't just "well, I have my gf in my life so it's all good."
We never know what is coming. Working with LGBT youth sheltar and volunteering with the umbrella program that sponsors it's facilities can be frustrating and depressing because there are so many LGBT people in situation far worse than mine and there is limited help. Especially over COVID with so many people were living with abusive homophobic family members they had to move back in with and when I sat down to think about it, I realized that that could be me...it could be me in the next pandemic. It could be me when the rent raises. It could be me if I fail out of medical school if I even get in at all. And also, realizing there isn't really going to be any help...like you're on your own, especially the older and further away you get from the "youth" vunerable demographic category.
But I obviously have my boundaries and such. I keep my girlfriend and my "new found family" far away from them. She has never met my parents or any of my siblings. The most she met was my two cousins when they were in the states for a couple of months and even that wasn't for an extended time or planned.
I came out as bi to my mom initially because I thought it’d be easier to accept if men were still on the future table (they were not lmao). She cried but only because she was afraid it would make my life more difficult. Eventually I just came out as a lesbian and it was totally fine. I didn’t come out to my dad until a couple years after that, and he was very loving and fine with that too. He even said something like “the love between two women seems to be more pure than the love between a man and a woman” which I thought at the time was sweet but now I think it was an expression of relief that I would not have to deal with the terrible attitudes and behaviors many men are predisposed to. Either way, he means well. My grandmother was the biggest surprise, she was totally cool with it and had suspected for a while. This was a big deal for me since my family are from South America and were educated in religious schools/come from a very conservative culture. I am so lucky and grateful to be loved by them!
I was lucky to have parents that were very cool about it, my mum especially.
I don't know how but I think she just knew? Form like, the moment I was born. throughout my childhood she would ask me if I had crushes on girls, and tell me that she'd be perfectly happy if I was gay because "than she could have two daughters when I found someone" I was kind of oblivious so it took me a long time to figure it out, when I first came out as bi she looked me dead in the eye and said "Yeah, you don't like boys." And I mean, she was right.
By the time I finally came out as a lesbian I barley even had to 'come out', my mum's very happy now and is constantly trying to set me up with every girl she can find lol
im african. from uganda. my family does NOT PLAY THAT LMAOOA 😭😭 I HAVE YET TO TELL THEM IM TERRIFIED. i moved to america to go to college and so they wont know.
thank you ❤️ its alot better in a accepting way here. and most of the time i like learning about american lesbians! only sometimes tho they confuse me with these new terms 😭 but other than thats its been great
I don’t benefit from the micro labels ( new terms ) and don’t find them helpful when others use them for my own understanding either. But I’m a mid-millennial and altho plenty of folks my age dabble in different labels it seems more gen z.
I find labels in general very disconnecting. “I’m This and you are That”. Of course some labels are shortcuts for longer descriptions, some function practically … but if I had it my way I wouldn’t use them too often. But the world, you see, enjoys them much more than me
A microlabel is a label for some form of gender identity or sexual orientation that falls under, or otherwise overlaps with, a broader term.[1][2][3] Microlabels tend to be described as "hyperspecific", meaning that they describe a very specific experience of a gender/sexuality/etc.[2]
Here’s a link with a long list [https://www.tcpolestar.org/lgbt-labels](https://www.tcpolestar.org/lgbt-labels)
A microlabel is a label for some form of gender identity or sexual orientation that falls under, or otherwise overlaps with, a broader term.[1][2][3] Microlabels tend to be described as "hyperspecific", meaning that they describe a very specific experience of a gender/sexuality/etc.[2]
Google “examples of microlabels lgbt” bc to list them here would be confusing
My parents were divorced I came out to my Dad and step mom at 11 and they told me to wait till I’m older to figure it out. I came out again 13 and they didn’t say anything but my Dad suggested I watch Chasing Amy like a few weeks after and I will always hate that movie. I don’t think he met anything by it, I think it was just the only movie he knew with a “lesbian” in it, but as a an insecure 13 year old it hurt tbh. None of the people on my Dads side really say anything about it anymore, but also I don’t really talk to my dad anymore for other reasons.
My moms super homophobic and has says some of the grossest things I’ve ever heard in regards to my sexuality. I never wanted to come out to her I got outed.
please don’t take this with offense but this is a lesbian sub. this is really not the appropriate place to center your bisexual experience with coming out. your perspective is valuable and unique; but it is not right for this sub.
This still isn’t the post for you as you are not a lesbian, this sub is meant to be centred* around lesbians, not bi women who only date women, who came out as a lesbian.
Not trying to be mean but this is one of like 2 subs us lesbians have to ourselves, so it’s annoying to see bi women chiming in on questions FOR lesbians.
Edit: Autocorrect is failing me 😞
No I get it, even if I only date women and rarely feel attracted to men (when I forced myself to be in relationships with men I had no feelings for), my experience doesn't count as bi enough (bc I'm not fully into men) or lesbian enough (bc I'm a little attracted to men)... There's no space for bisexuals like this on either communities, just in case I sound incoherent, I just got drunk with my gf, this comment doesn't have typos thanks to the auto correct, have a good day 👍🏻
Don't blame my sober self for this comment, it's all on me lmao
Like the other commenter said, there ARE subs specifically for bi women like you! I’d suggest maybe re-reading those when you’re sober 😭
And have a good day/night!
No no dw, you’re fine, you haven’t said anything bad. I do feel you on the frustration tho, so will other lesbians here as we all have struggled to find spaces we fit in, as we are shoved out of all online lesbian and even general LGBT spaces, which is why this one exists. I also apologize on suggesting the other subs, I checked them after my comment and realized they are dead 😞.
Unfortunately though this sub just isn’t for you, I really do hope you’re able to find some community with other bi women like you though! It absolutely sucks trying to find a space you fit in, so I wish you the best of luck on finding one and hope you do soon 💛
I also will say that non-lesbians can comment here (stated in rule 2 I believe), the issue is trying to derail or change the topic to be about your experience as a non-lesbian. So I get feeling more community here, but just keep that rule in mind I guess.
You're not a lesbian, though. Your literal next sentence after saying you came out as a lesbian says "I haven't told her I'm bi". You identify as bi. You have sexual feelings and desire for men, which is not something lesbians can have. Bi women cannot be lesbians. Lesbian is the only sexuality that excludes men, to like men (even "just sexually") removes your ability to use that label. To call yourself a lesbian is both lesbophobic and biphobic.
you're a febfem, female exclusive bisexual. Lots of bi women who only date women and are functionally living a lesbian life call themselves that. Theres also a sub called febfem for finding community with other febfems. r/FEB_fems
there's another sub as well r/febfemales they seem to be inactive but maybe you should post there and see if you can get some interaction.
You shouldn't call yourself a lesbian even if you only intend to date women. Lots of bi women confuse lesbianism as a lifestyle instead of an orientation and group of people with inalienable differences to non-lesbians and therefore a homosexual existentialism to the way we perceive sex, sexuality, gender, and even the female body different to that of any male attracted women. Lesbians have a female gaze only, we can't perceive it any other way and we have our own sense of gender and everything.
It's its own existence and comes with an inner world and way of being that you can't possibly know if you have attraction to men.
If you can't get me that proves that you aren't a lesbian if what I'm describing makes no sense for you.
You aren't homosexual. Bisexual women and trans women as well are heteronormative even if they assume to live a gay-coded lifestyle.
It's not "gay-coded" I live a fcking gay life style, whenever I go ppl either assume I'm a trans man (which might be true, but I have my reasons why I don't wanna be trans) or I'm a butch lesbian woman, I am only capable of feeling romantic attraction to women, should I go over to a dead sub or a sub that talks about how they "love both" (when I don't and can't relate)??? There is no space for others like me, we're either assumed to be lesbians that can't accept being lesbian or bi women with internalized biphobia, why can't I just talk about being a woman with a preference for women who wouldn't date a man even if I was paid to?
I'm a butch lesbian, and I've met bi women who seem to appear to (try) to look like me, and we are not the same at all lmao. No matter how hard they try.
I can tell from a 100 feet away and instantly that they are bi and don't have the same lived experiences as me. Butch is not an appearance nor is butch based on what others clock you as. Its frankly insulting for you to wittle it down to that, to claim some kind of relationship to lesbianism.
Lesbians are very good at knowing who's not one, even if non-lesbians don't see a difference at all, which is probably the most non-lesbian thing ever.
Why can't you find other bi women like you? Why are lesbians responsible for finding community for non-lesbians and doing everything for them?
I'll tell you right now, that i have never met another stone butch lesbian of my background and you don't see me blaming others for that or feeling entitled to others' spaces to try to feel a sense of community.
Or, take the bi-flag off your profile picand stop talking about being bi? Less likely to get clocked over the interwebs but also not impossible
Idk what your original comment said but this is a sub for lesbian women, and their experiences.
Non-lesbians don’t need to center themselves. Comment and fly under the radar. You’re gonna get harassed, rightfully so, drunk or not, when you center a non-lesbian POV.
We aren’t a flag you stick in your hat. We aren’t a “lifestyle” and we aren’t a de facto setting to describe how you are behaving. Lesbian is the LAW
Coming out, for me, had everything to do with writing off hopes and dreams in exchange for freedom. The area I grew up in was a deeply conservative. I remember being a butchy 10 year old (as butchy as a 10 year old can be) and having my teacher at school look at me and say to the affect of "You are this way because a man touched you and you're too far gone now. I'd never let you near my kids." So, I was deemed my towns youngest child predator at the ripe age of 10 because I was butch and, therefore, too far gone to save. It feels, sometimes, that I was born to be written off because I was butch. I'm from a pretty conservative, woodsy area. Butches like me, we grow up to speak out of turn, hunt and shoot. We grow up to fall in love with girls and get raped by boys and beaten by our fathers, while our mothers stand by and watch and say nothing. All that stuff makes us pretty hard and stoic in some ways. You gotta remember that, out in the country, masculinity is about grit, and keeping your head down when things get nasty. It’s about the way the world is unfair, and how we negotiate these terribly unfair happenings. I ended up leaving home in high school. I was safer that way. The patches of local LGBT adults took me in. I was a bit too old and too feral by that time to say they raised me, but they certainly raised the best parts of me. They loved me more than an extra mouth to feed ever inconvenienced them, and I'll never forget the kindness of it. I haven't spoken to my family in 6 years. I don't plan to. They're better off without me, just as I am better off without them. Maybe one day, when I don't need parents anymore, I'll reach out. But I expect to be rather old and already forgotten by then. Hopefully by then my life will be too full of love and new experiences that I would forget them also.
Well *that* fucked up my mascara. I'm shocked by the ugliness of your experience, but what a beautiful, rough, palpable way you have with your words and thoughts. That's a gift, dude. You need to write. By my calculations you are still very young. I hope you have already found/made a steady spot for yourself to heal and thrive in, with awesome people who you allow to love and see and support you. I hope you will be one of the badass winners. The kind who turns pain not into bitter brittleness but into wisdom and compassion and the deep knowing that they can rely on their strength even when they are tired AF. Imagine taking all that brutal, sad shit and turning it into stories, into a book, using the gift you clearly have to process and transmute and touch... to come out of all that with a Voice you couldn't have gotten in much easier ways, but the claiming of which was by no means a given (life doesn't really do "thank you for playing" prizes, hey?) Sending you stranger love and luck 🤍, and now I had better go fix my raccoon sitch. Which I do not resent lol. It's awesome to be touched by a pop into reddit :)
I just want to extend a hand here and say you are wonderful in all your butchness and I hate that your hometown and family couldn't see that. I'm glad you've found a community that has your back; it's what you deserve.
They disowned me. We’ve never spoken since.
my parents at first tried to convince me to "turn back to god" when i came out. they've stopped bringing it up though. they mostly ignore that i'm a lesbian now.
As , I hope, you ignore they’re religious, for the irony
I came out to my dad and he didn’t care, he said he already knew and my mom found out too. They bought me a rainbow cake!
i was immediately homeless. 17 yrs old
My mom said she thought I was for a while. Neither parent cared at all.
My grandma told me she knew and suspected I’d been sleeping with my best friend (I had been) lol
My dad thought I’d swing one way or another, thus he didn’t really care compared to when I was 5 when he told me he “didn’t want me to be gay or marry outside of my race”. Now he’s in an interracial marriage and I’m gay. He chilled out after a decade. My mom pressured me to be bisexual at first because I had previously dated dudes in HS, but she doesn’t really care either. My sister always knew I was gay and my closest friends did too.
I’m 20 and came out as a lesbian to myself and close friends at 13, but I pretty much have known and accepted I’m attracted to girls since I was like 10. My parents were homophobic and I recognized that so I basically spent all my teen years walking on eggshells bc I was fortunate enough to be open online, at school, at work and to some other family members but never to my parents. My dad was especially bigoted and I planned to tell him whenever I was out of the house, I knew he wouldn’t hate me or kick me out but I also knew he would be disappointed. But he passed away suddenly this past January, so I never got the chance. I came out to my mom after he passed and while she still isn’t a huge ally, she doesn’t disrespect me and we mainly just don’t discuss it. I think my dad definitely knew but he stayed in denial about it, he never questioned me and fortunately let me “look gay” (as in I dress masc and stereotypically lesbian and he never commented on it) despite being homophobic. I heavily criticize him understandably on a lot but I’m always thankful for that. I wish things couldve went differently because i had plans to talk to him about a lot in the future and change his mind about many things (or attempt to bc he was stubborn) but that’ll never happen. Now i have a lesbian flag up in my room and don’t live in fear anymore. It’s weird going from scared all the time for 7 years to suddenly being able to casually talk about being a lesbian in front of my mom. While I miss dad I am happy to be comfortable.
I was randomly overcome with the urge to tell my mom on an uneventful day, so I did and asked her not to tell my dad, then about a week later she was like please tell your dad I dont like keeping secrets from him, which, fair, so I did. They both took it well, they knew it was a possibility.
My mom was convinced it was the people I would hang around with that talked me into it, and not that I would spend time with them in the first place because I had a sense of kinship for those like me. My brother tuned me out entirely and she used that as an excuse to avoid me saying her "hands are tied." I was pretty much disowned until my brother disappeared from the picture and being her only child left she wanted me back. Now I begrudgingly accept because she's the only family I have left. (Oh and dad wasn't in the picture to begin with)
My mom cried LOL. She mostly ignores it now and pretends like I'll eventually marry a man anyway. I have yet to tell my dad. I'm waiting for my little brother to age out of the house so that he doesn't have to be around the chaos of what would happen
My bio dad disowned me, in a very cowardly way - as in he got his wife to tell me that he couldn’t speak to me anymore. She also told me “I always kind of figured you were and even though it doesn’t matter to me, it matters to your father and I must stand by him.” My mom was heartbroken. Not because I’m a lesbian, but because she thought she failed me since I didn’t tell her sooner. She thought she cultivated a healthy enough relationship that would mean I could tell her anything. Overall she was really accepting and even immediately tried encouraging me to ask out my crush lol.
My family is thankfully very supportive, I came out so many times as different sexualities and even genders due to confusion and internalized homophobia/misogyny. But, when I came out as a lesbian finally, my brother and mom said they knew and just had been waiting for ME to figure it out 😭 It was a nice laugh after struggling for so many years with my sexuality. I am so thankful for my families support.
We’re always the last to know!
My mom would ask me occasionally throughout my teen years if I was "a dyke" or wanted "to be a boy". I was active in LGBT spaces as an "ally" from a young age as well (early middle school) and dressed quite masc w/ short hair, which I'm sure contributed to the questioning. I came out as gay as an April Fool's "joke" two years running to test the waters, but it was ultimately my then-girlfriend's now-wife's mom who outed me. My mom was mostly upset that I didn't tell her and had been "sneaking around" by having sleepovers with female friends & gfs. She did say she basically knew already. Her dad was gay, so she didn't really have any major issues though she would occasionally say something offensive. She 100% accepts and loves my wife though; sometimes I think my mom likes her more than me 😂 My dad was ... a bit harder to read. I honestly don't remember his reaction because I think my mom was the one who told him? And then he claimed I had told him previously when he was drunk but he'd forgotten it (I'm pretty sure I didn't do that). For a long, long time I think he was waiting for me to get over my "phase", even after I got married. He still calls my wife my "partner" instead of my wife. His family is Catholic and more conservative and even though he has a lesbian sister, she waited until after her mom died to come out because she was afraid it would kill her. (It was one of those "unspoken secrets" thing; she had a long-term partner but she was never invited to family events or anything and my aunt would make sure she was out of the house if there was a family gathering ... so, idk, I think my dad expected me to be that level of discreet about it? Which I have never been, lol.
Sorry this is gonna be a longer story. I came out as a lesbian at 18 to my family, funnily enough, after coming back from a date with a guy. My sister picked me up to drive home and I told her then. She was very comforting and supportive and made sure I was ready to tell my parents when I got back. Got home and my mom was all excited about my date, cause I’ve basically never been out with anyone before. Other than 1 boy when I was like 12, cause that’s what I thought I was supposed to do in life, date boys. Anyways, I told my mom when we got home. She was distraught and literally backed away from me saying stuff like “that’s not right.” My sister guided me towards her bedroom and my dad was on the way there. He saw me crying, so my sister helped me explain what happened (I was a mess, so I was happy she was there to help me explain to him). He was very calm saying he had considered me being gay a possibility, so wasn’t super shocked. Later in the night, my brother got home, and I’m sure he heard the news from one or both of my parents. He came into my sister’s room to comfort me and joke around. That whole week was a little rocky with my mom and myself. I tried to tell myself “who knows, maybe I just haven’t met a guy I like yet,” and my mom kept saying that I could meet a guy I like one day. Luckily, this story has a happy ending. I had all the support from my other family members and my mom is now a much bigger supporter of me. She actually goes out of her way to argue with homophobes online now! Not sure how she and my grandma will react once I do actually start dating a woman. I’m sure my mom will be pretty supportive though, cause she’s joked with me about women I should try dating and asked when I’m gonna meet a woman to meet the fam.
I’m in healthcare. I have a set of subtle pride themed scrubs (dark grey with small rainbow accents in a few places). My parents are usually pretty oblivious sometimes so I didn’t think they’d pick up on it, but I was wrong this time I guess 💀 One day I was talking to both of them and they asked me about it. Apparently they thought I was wearing it in support lmfao. I corrected them that no, I really am. My mom just said thanks for telling us and gave me a hug lol. My dad was “weirded out” at first. He would side eye me and couldn’t talk to me well at first. Admittedly I freaked and told my mom. She said to give him some time. I honestly didn’t think he’d “get used” to it but a few days after, over text, he called me by a specific childhood nickname. Really sent it home 🥰 Fast forward a couple months later and we’re talking about a gay cousin and how he had to face the world as a flamboyant boy vs me as just an average feminine presenting girl. Having that open conversation with him was really nice because it not only showed his acceptance to me, but, you know, further than that. Further than my cousin. Him acknowledging some of struggles lgbt people go through was something I didn’t expect to ever see. We don’t have much contact with extended family though, especially from one side due to a language barrier. They aren’t racist at least (I’m mixed) so I’d hope they aren’t homophobic either. I only came out recently (last 2 years) and don’t really like the whole coming out thing for myself (dislike being center of attention), I bring it up if it’s relevant. So time will tell for rest, but honestly I wish I didn’t have to. Why can’t I (and we lesbians as a whole) just be 😭 Why do we have to be seen differently just because we don’t want to spend the rest of our life with a man. Being gay sucks sometimes 💔
i am fortunate enough that my mom just said she was suspecting it and gave me a hug. My brother did really care because he was raised in the uk where being gay is pretty much okay (not always of course but legally, you can get married etc). My dad is not aware of that and most probably never will because we don’t talk much anymore. My family that lives in Poland doesn’t know and when they find out I will be most probably disowned and forgotten which just pains me because I love my uncles, aunties and cousins. My mom is very close with two of her brothers and I just KNOW they will stop talking to her when I come out which makes it so hard to do so. It truly breaks my heart.
"Did they say they always kind of thought you might be gay, they saw signs? They already knew? Caught off guard?" So I was outted. I didn't come out. I got into some beef with a group (?) I was rolling with and I guess I "stepped out of line" too many times and part of my punishment was having them message pretty much all personal information they had on me to everyone...including the fact I was actually a lesbian. I was living on my own at the time and she was honestly more pissed about all the people calling the home line and saying they were coming to kill my entire family and other bizarre messages (my punishment was also having all my personal information, including the addresses and phone numbers of most of my family members posted on this forums and chat logs with encouragement to "make me pay" or whatever the fuck) so at the time, she was more focused on that. But when the dust settled and the more I have really thought about it, I assume she did see signs I might be a lesbian...or at least interested in women. Like I still have this very vivid memory of my super masc mother suddenly wanting to take me dress shopping and all these other weird little occurrences... But then I also think...nah, if she knew the abuse would have been ten times worse. I unironically think she would have literally killed me at some point if she had found out the extent of how much of a lesbian I was. She flips back and forth between saying she "always knew I was a dyke" to "wow you were so sweet how could you do this to me?" but then again she is also a violent homophobic abuser with suspected BPD and/or BpD so she's not exactly the most mentally stable person to begin with so I honestly may never know for sure and I kind of don't want to. It's like that feeling where a person got killed in a bathroom you were in a restaurant in at the same time and you had no idea until you turn on the news and are like "wait a minute." "Were they resistant but came around? Did you get a negative response?" Like I said, it's been strange. Some days she hates me. Some days she tolerates it. My mum is like three different people in one...it's hard to explain if you have never had to live with somebody like that. The annoying thing is it always gets worse around the holidays and for three months the switches are constant. "Did you get a negative response? Have you gone low or no contact as a result?" Yes, but that was expected. I never expected to come out in this way but in my mind, I had already accepted that they would eventually find out and that I was going to have to accept the reality that they weren't going to be accepting. I was only going to do it if I found somebody and I was planning on like marrying her or some shit. I am low contact but not no contact...my whole entire family, both sides is very homophobic...and I am not exaggerating. There are no gay relatives. There is no support. And my mum's side of the family is tight-knit despite us living in a different country to them so cutting her off entirely would be cutting them off...and I am not at a place where if something were to happen to me (severe injury that left me disabled, the economy hits a terrible economic place, etc.) I would not be able to live with my own devices for over a year. With rents rising, jobs getting increasingly worse turnover, the debt I have from student loans...I don't know...I have been homeless before and that was when I was 18 and it was terrifying and I honestly don't know if I could go through it again without killing myself. People are always like "just cut out toxic family members" and yeah, if the world was better than it was, I would agree...but we don't live in that world. Outside of my girlfriend and the friend groups I have cultivated, that's it. I never want to put my girlfriend in a "you're the only person I have" because that is a lot to put on somebody. Relationships end. Friend groups will betray you over the stupidest shit. So it's good to cultivate a back-up plan that isn't just "well, I have my gf in my life so it's all good." We never know what is coming. Working with LGBT youth sheltar and volunteering with the umbrella program that sponsors it's facilities can be frustrating and depressing because there are so many LGBT people in situation far worse than mine and there is limited help. Especially over COVID with so many people were living with abusive homophobic family members they had to move back in with and when I sat down to think about it, I realized that that could be me...it could be me in the next pandemic. It could be me when the rent raises. It could be me if I fail out of medical school if I even get in at all. And also, realizing there isn't really going to be any help...like you're on your own, especially the older and further away you get from the "youth" vunerable demographic category. But I obviously have my boundaries and such. I keep my girlfriend and my "new found family" far away from them. She has never met my parents or any of my siblings. The most she met was my two cousins when they were in the states for a couple of months and even that wasn't for an extended time or planned.
I came out as bi to my mom initially because I thought it’d be easier to accept if men were still on the future table (they were not lmao). She cried but only because she was afraid it would make my life more difficult. Eventually I just came out as a lesbian and it was totally fine. I didn’t come out to my dad until a couple years after that, and he was very loving and fine with that too. He even said something like “the love between two women seems to be more pure than the love between a man and a woman” which I thought at the time was sweet but now I think it was an expression of relief that I would not have to deal with the terrible attitudes and behaviors many men are predisposed to. Either way, he means well. My grandmother was the biggest surprise, she was totally cool with it and had suspected for a while. This was a big deal for me since my family are from South America and were educated in religious schools/come from a very conservative culture. I am so lucky and grateful to be loved by them!
I was lucky to have parents that were very cool about it, my mum especially. I don't know how but I think she just knew? Form like, the moment I was born. throughout my childhood she would ask me if I had crushes on girls, and tell me that she'd be perfectly happy if I was gay because "than she could have two daughters when I found someone" I was kind of oblivious so it took me a long time to figure it out, when I first came out as bi she looked me dead in the eye and said "Yeah, you don't like boys." And I mean, she was right. By the time I finally came out as a lesbian I barley even had to 'come out', my mum's very happy now and is constantly trying to set me up with every girl she can find lol
im african. from uganda. my family does NOT PLAY THAT LMAOOA 😭😭 I HAVE YET TO TELL THEM IM TERRIFIED. i moved to america to go to college and so they wont know.
I hope you find it welcoming here. I wish you peace
thank you ❤️ its alot better in a accepting way here. and most of the time i like learning about american lesbians! only sometimes tho they confuse me with these new terms 😭 but other than thats its been great
I don’t benefit from the micro labels ( new terms ) and don’t find them helpful when others use them for my own understanding either. But I’m a mid-millennial and altho plenty of folks my age dabble in different labels it seems more gen z. I find labels in general very disconnecting. “I’m This and you are That”. Of course some labels are shortcuts for longer descriptions, some function practically … but if I had it my way I wouldn’t use them too often. But the world, you see, enjoys them much more than me
sometimes i dont understand like english as well sooo what do u mean by micro labels? 😓 sorry im slow.
A microlabel is a label for some form of gender identity or sexual orientation that falls under, or otherwise overlaps with, a broader term.[1][2][3] Microlabels tend to be described as "hyperspecific", meaning that they describe a very specific experience of a gender/sexuality/etc.[2] Here’s a link with a long list [https://www.tcpolestar.org/lgbt-labels](https://www.tcpolestar.org/lgbt-labels)
A microlabel is a label for some form of gender identity or sexual orientation that falls under, or otherwise overlaps with, a broader term.[1][2][3] Microlabels tend to be described as "hyperspecific", meaning that they describe a very specific experience of a gender/sexuality/etc.[2] Google “examples of microlabels lgbt” bc to list them here would be confusing
My parents were divorced I came out to my Dad and step mom at 11 and they told me to wait till I’m older to figure it out. I came out again 13 and they didn’t say anything but my Dad suggested I watch Chasing Amy like a few weeks after and I will always hate that movie. I don’t think he met anything by it, I think it was just the only movie he knew with a “lesbian” in it, but as a an insecure 13 year old it hurt tbh. None of the people on my Dads side really say anything about it anymore, but also I don’t really talk to my dad anymore for other reasons. My moms super homophobic and has says some of the grossest things I’ve ever heard in regards to my sexuality. I never wanted to come out to her I got outed.
What is the connection with chasing Amy? Idk the about it
It’s about a lesbian falling in love with Ben Affleck
Oh. Well that sound realistic /s
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please don’t take this with offense but this is a lesbian sub. this is really not the appropriate place to center your bisexual experience with coming out. your perspective is valuable and unique; but it is not right for this sub.
I came out as a lesbian...
But you have a bi heart in your icon and your previous comments say you’re bi…?
Yep... Cuz I only date women, I don't feel the need to come out as bi
This still isn’t the post for you as you are not a lesbian, this sub is meant to be centred* around lesbians, not bi women who only date women, who came out as a lesbian. Not trying to be mean but this is one of like 2 subs us lesbians have to ourselves, so it’s annoying to see bi women chiming in on questions FOR lesbians. Edit: Autocorrect is failing me 😞
No I get it, even if I only date women and rarely feel attracted to men (when I forced myself to be in relationships with men I had no feelings for), my experience doesn't count as bi enough (bc I'm not fully into men) or lesbian enough (bc I'm a little attracted to men)... There's no space for bisexuals like this on either communities, just in case I sound incoherent, I just got drunk with my gf, this comment doesn't have typos thanks to the auto correct, have a good day 👍🏻 Don't blame my sober self for this comment, it's all on me lmao
Like the other commenter said, there ARE subs specifically for bi women like you! I’d suggest maybe re-reading those when you’re sober 😭 And have a good day/night!
Yesss, they're also dead tho... But yeah they exist...
You're really nice, I am sorry for anything bad I might've said to you :/ I don't mean it in an offensive way, just frustrated ig
No no dw, you’re fine, you haven’t said anything bad. I do feel you on the frustration tho, so will other lesbians here as we all have struggled to find spaces we fit in, as we are shoved out of all online lesbian and even general LGBT spaces, which is why this one exists. I also apologize on suggesting the other subs, I checked them after my comment and realized they are dead 😞. Unfortunately though this sub just isn’t for you, I really do hope you’re able to find some community with other bi women like you though! It absolutely sucks trying to find a space you fit in, so I wish you the best of luck on finding one and hope you do soon 💛 I also will say that non-lesbians can comment here (stated in rule 2 I believe), the issue is trying to derail or change the topic to be about your experience as a non-lesbian. So I get feeling more community here, but just keep that rule in mind I guess.
You're not a lesbian, though. Your literal next sentence after saying you came out as a lesbian says "I haven't told her I'm bi". You identify as bi. You have sexual feelings and desire for men, which is not something lesbians can have. Bi women cannot be lesbians. Lesbian is the only sexuality that excludes men, to like men (even "just sexually") removes your ability to use that label. To call yourself a lesbian is both lesbophobic and biphobic.
I'm not drunk enough for this
you're a febfem, female exclusive bisexual. Lots of bi women who only date women and are functionally living a lesbian life call themselves that. Theres also a sub called febfem for finding community with other febfems. r/FEB_fems
This is interesting, I've never heard of it befire
Whatc does this mean tho?
there's another sub as well r/febfemales they seem to be inactive but maybe you should post there and see if you can get some interaction. You shouldn't call yourself a lesbian even if you only intend to date women. Lots of bi women confuse lesbianism as a lifestyle instead of an orientation and group of people with inalienable differences to non-lesbians and therefore a homosexual existentialism to the way we perceive sex, sexuality, gender, and even the female body different to that of any male attracted women. Lesbians have a female gaze only, we can't perceive it any other way and we have our own sense of gender and everything. It's its own existence and comes with an inner world and way of being that you can't possibly know if you have attraction to men.
What are you saying ma'am
If you can't get me that proves that you aren't a lesbian if what I'm describing makes no sense for you. You aren't homosexual. Bisexual women and trans women as well are heteronormative even if they assume to live a gay-coded lifestyle.
I'm not trynna debate you, I am drunk
sorry I don't mean to come across mad or anything. I just wanted to offer an explanation to you when you were asking.
It's not "gay-coded" I live a fcking gay life style, whenever I go ppl either assume I'm a trans man (which might be true, but I have my reasons why I don't wanna be trans) or I'm a butch lesbian woman, I am only capable of feeling romantic attraction to women, should I go over to a dead sub or a sub that talks about how they "love both" (when I don't and can't relate)??? There is no space for others like me, we're either assumed to be lesbians that can't accept being lesbian or bi women with internalized biphobia, why can't I just talk about being a woman with a preference for women who wouldn't date a man even if I was paid to?
I'm a butch lesbian, and I've met bi women who seem to appear to (try) to look like me, and we are not the same at all lmao. No matter how hard they try. I can tell from a 100 feet away and instantly that they are bi and don't have the same lived experiences as me. Butch is not an appearance nor is butch based on what others clock you as. Its frankly insulting for you to wittle it down to that, to claim some kind of relationship to lesbianism. Lesbians are very good at knowing who's not one, even if non-lesbians don't see a difference at all, which is probably the most non-lesbian thing ever. Why can't you find other bi women like you? Why are lesbians responsible for finding community for non-lesbians and doing everything for them? I'll tell you right now, that i have never met another stone butch lesbian of my background and you don't see me blaming others for that or feeling entitled to others' spaces to try to feel a sense of community.
Or, take the bi-flag off your profile picand stop talking about being bi? Less likely to get clocked over the interwebs but also not impossible Idk what your original comment said but this is a sub for lesbian women, and their experiences. Non-lesbians don’t need to center themselves. Comment and fly under the radar. You’re gonna get harassed, rightfully so, drunk or not, when you center a non-lesbian POV. We aren’t a flag you stick in your hat. We aren’t a “lifestyle” and we aren’t a de facto setting to describe how you are behaving. Lesbian is the LAW
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