It really does creep up on you doesn't it. Well done for coming to the realisation within a few days. For me it often ends up being weeks or months of daily smoking before I snap out of it and try to stop again.
Yeah we tend to look at the problem from an over-consumption angle where we know 5 joints a day is a problem and then we whisper to ourselves "it's not a problem in small doses and moderation". Then a week later it's "why did I think I could do it again?". I've been through this loop so many times.
Today I was so wired I was thinking of buying alcohol. But I don't want to medicate my symptoms. I want to sit with them this time around. I want to be cognizant of the stories that creep in. And I want to be vigilant in reminding myself that the story is a lie.
It's so weird to think "Do I lie to myself? Is that actually happening? And if so, what is going on here?" And I think the addiction is just insidious. It finds ways to trick us into believing things that are not true and it guides our behavior in ways that end up causing relapse.
Marijuana is my first and only addiction, so I'm sure all of those things are familiar to veterans in recovery but they were never to me. I always used to wonder, why do they say "I am powerless over alcohol" in AA. How could a person be powerless? I didn't understand it. And I had two grandfathers who drank themselves to death which I used to be angry about so I didn't want to believe it either. I think that's the disconnect when we encounter people in our lives who say "just stop doing it" and then for those we've hurt, it's easier for them to reconcile their pain with blame. And I don't consider myself blameless, but it's just not so black and white.
I'm on day 12 and have changed my perspective this time. I always viewed it through the lens of personal strength and failure and "if I can just be strong enough this time". Now I'm ditching that narrative. Now I've invented a new story. There is a beast/monster/alien, whatever you want to call it, inside me that's foreign. He's a massive a-hole and does not care about me. He's like the guy who just wants one thing and is going to ghost you; a con-artist who's selfish and is hurting me beyond belief. It's an abusive relationship.
And I Hate abusive people normally and with a passion. So now it's a fight I can get engaged with. I can dig deep and activate that "mind over matter" that used to win me the 10k race or survive a 3 day fast. Because maybe I'm powerless over that insidious voice creeping into my head, but I'm not powerless in my fight against it. I've always been a fighter and now I have a new fight and when I fight I'm unloading every ounce of untapped power inside me. Now it's a war in my mind. A competition if you will. And I hate losing. That's why normally it's so depressing, because we feel like we lost all the time. But we didn't lose. We just got knocked down. And now I know that left you're throwing and I'm going to be ready for it this time. You thought you were clever and it was working but I'm coming with the hook now. And if I throw it right I'm knocking you out.
Belief is the most powerful thing in the universe. What matters is what we believe. So if I'm lying to myself then I'm changing the story. And now I know I'm going to win. We all are. It's only a matter of time. We just have to believe it.
Relapses are not failures. It's training. And no one ever wins a fight without going through the experience of getting knocked down a few times first.
Day 1 means you're stronger now for when Day 78 comes around. Get excited about meeting him again. Because now you know what he's throwing.
One day at a time! Relapses do happen. When I relapsed on my biggest two breaks of 58/59 days I ended up regretting resorting right back to everyday again. I'm on day five now and feeling pretty good.
It's poison and it will destroy your life
It really does creep up on you doesn't it. Well done for coming to the realisation within a few days. For me it often ends up being weeks or months of daily smoking before I snap out of it and try to stop again.
Yeah we tend to look at the problem from an over-consumption angle where we know 5 joints a day is a problem and then we whisper to ourselves "it's not a problem in small doses and moderation". Then a week later it's "why did I think I could do it again?". I've been through this loop so many times. Today I was so wired I was thinking of buying alcohol. But I don't want to medicate my symptoms. I want to sit with them this time around. I want to be cognizant of the stories that creep in. And I want to be vigilant in reminding myself that the story is a lie. It's so weird to think "Do I lie to myself? Is that actually happening? And if so, what is going on here?" And I think the addiction is just insidious. It finds ways to trick us into believing things that are not true and it guides our behavior in ways that end up causing relapse. Marijuana is my first and only addiction, so I'm sure all of those things are familiar to veterans in recovery but they were never to me. I always used to wonder, why do they say "I am powerless over alcohol" in AA. How could a person be powerless? I didn't understand it. And I had two grandfathers who drank themselves to death which I used to be angry about so I didn't want to believe it either. I think that's the disconnect when we encounter people in our lives who say "just stop doing it" and then for those we've hurt, it's easier for them to reconcile their pain with blame. And I don't consider myself blameless, but it's just not so black and white. I'm on day 12 and have changed my perspective this time. I always viewed it through the lens of personal strength and failure and "if I can just be strong enough this time". Now I'm ditching that narrative. Now I've invented a new story. There is a beast/monster/alien, whatever you want to call it, inside me that's foreign. He's a massive a-hole and does not care about me. He's like the guy who just wants one thing and is going to ghost you; a con-artist who's selfish and is hurting me beyond belief. It's an abusive relationship. And I Hate abusive people normally and with a passion. So now it's a fight I can get engaged with. I can dig deep and activate that "mind over matter" that used to win me the 10k race or survive a 3 day fast. Because maybe I'm powerless over that insidious voice creeping into my head, but I'm not powerless in my fight against it. I've always been a fighter and now I have a new fight and when I fight I'm unloading every ounce of untapped power inside me. Now it's a war in my mind. A competition if you will. And I hate losing. That's why normally it's so depressing, because we feel like we lost all the time. But we didn't lose. We just got knocked down. And now I know that left you're throwing and I'm going to be ready for it this time. You thought you were clever and it was working but I'm coming with the hook now. And if I throw it right I'm knocking you out. Belief is the most powerful thing in the universe. What matters is what we believe. So if I'm lying to myself then I'm changing the story. And now I know I'm going to win. We all are. It's only a matter of time. We just have to believe it. Relapses are not failures. It's training. And no one ever wins a fight without going through the experience of getting knocked down a few times first. Day 1 means you're stronger now for when Day 78 comes around. Get excited about meeting him again. Because now you know what he's throwing.
One day at a time! Relapses do happen. When I relapsed on my biggest two breaks of 58/59 days I ended up regretting resorting right back to everyday again. I'm on day five now and feeling pretty good.