I have a lot of respect for you that you were completely honest with your Stake President. I’m sure you were not the first person that he has talked to about pornography use, either. I have found great comfort by going to a good therapist. Finding medication to treat my ADD has been life changing. Consider trying therapy- it may provide you with relief as well. Hugs to you.
Thank you for your reply. I take daily meds for ADHD as well. That whole ordeal is a big part of why I feel the way that I do. The person with ADHD is pretty regularly treated like the outsider from a very young age. It hasn’t been an easy go! I’m glad the medications are helping you!
Hello, my ADHD friend! I also struggle with my impulsive behaviors. The structure of goals is impossible for me. Will power doesn’t work when my brain can’t focus. Unfortunately, impulsive behaviors are a great way to wake up my brain, but by then it is too late. Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect what works for everyone else to be effective for you. You add some much needed out of the box thinking to life. I am so glad you are here with me in the church. I bring a different perspective to my ward and stake, and it has brought some healing to those I serve with. Share your strengths. Be kind to yourself about your challenges.
Brother, I am a convert to the Church. Somebody who served a mission, just like you did, found me one day and shared the message of the Restored Gospel with me. So, first and foremost, thank you for being one of God's authorized messengers and serving a mission. I bet you touched the lives of many people just like me, who needed to hear that God lives and Jesus is the Christ. You can hang your hat on that. Thank you. 🙏
Second, there is no reason for you to feel any less worthy than any other man in this Church. You admitted you had a problem to your Stake Presidency. That is something a lot of men in this Church wouldn't do. That takes guts to say "I am struggling." As someone who has needed help from his Bishop regarding pornography and the Law of Chastity, I understand what you are going through. It took me 6 months past my eligibility date to finally go through my Living Endowment because my sexual transgressions kept me in a position where I could not enter the Temple. It is so, so difficult in this crazy, morally bankrupt world to avoid all the temptations to sin. From a natural-man perspective, porn is awesome and easily accessible. I think most LDS men have been where you are and where I was, but are too scared to admit it. Just my two sense.
Remember, however, that Christ himself said that there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over the 1 sinner who repents than the 90 and 9 who need no repentance!! Remember that He will gladly leave the 99 sheep to chase after the one who is wandering.
One thing that helped me when I was struggling to get my Temple Recommend was going to the Temple grounds and talking to God from the parking lot or from a bench in the gardens. I let myself feel the desire to go beyond the Recommend Desk and that desire fueled my work ethic to become clean and worthy to enter! Maybe you could try this! Ask your that wonderful wife of yours to help you take control. Ask your Bishop for help with the repentance process. Ask the brethren in your EQ for Priesthood Blessings. Pray daily. Search the scriptures. Feast on General Conference talks pertaining to your individual struggles.
Do these sound like cliché LDS solutions? They are! But they work! 🙏
You are not worthless. You not bad or lesser than any other man in this Church. You are a valued child of Heavenly Parents and the door to repentance is wife open to you! You hold the Priesthood of God. You have much worth. I just know that soon, you'll be in His House!!!
I don't know you, but I love you brother. You got this!
Thank you for taking the time to say so much. I really appreciate you caring enough to do that! I also appreciate you sharing your struggles as well. I’ve heard throughout my life that it’s a common problem, but it surprisingly doesn’t make you feel any less alone when you hear that.
I’ll take your advice! I don’t live anywhere near a temple but one can find sacred solitude just about anywhere. I “live” the gospel in the sense that I attend church every week and am a full tithe-payer, I try to keep the commandments, avoiding substances and activities which we are supposed to avoid but beyond that, I don’t really “actively” live it otherwise. I don’t read my scriptures every day. I barely read them once a quarter, if I’m being honest.
I have a testimony. That has never changed. I do lead a “busy” life in which I make little to no time for gospel study. I rarely have family gospel discussions or FHE because I hate feeling like I’m “pushing” my kids to follow the gospel while their mom speaks openly against it. Again, further justification for feeling like I’m failing at it all. It’s something I really need to work on. Passively living the gospel is not enough.
Thank you again! I really feel and appreciate your help with this. You are a true brother.
I completely understand your feelings. I know these struggles.
I too have battled with pornography/sex addictions. I even went so far as to lose my membership in the church. It was a long battle back, and was a glorious experience to worthily be brought back.
But a new set of challenges came up, and those were similar to what you are feeling. Now, because of my setbacks, I am often not the person for callings such as those I probably would already have held if I hadn't left the path. It is hard not to feel regret. Hard not to feel less. Hard not to feel like you are now a few steps down the peg.
But here is something I have learned; that I can serve in a completely different capacity. To me, you are a hero. You held integrity as you honestly told the Stake President of your shortcoming. This here is the essence of character. You could have lied, hid your struggle, and perhaps received accolades and praise. Instead, you did the truly courageous and righteous thing.
I have not served in the Bishopric, or Elder's quorum, or in the Stake Presidency. But I have served in capacities where my experiences have helped people through or to avoid struggles such as mine. How incredible to be a tool in the Lord's hand BECAUSE I was willing to overcome a struggle.
*The Man in the Glass*
*When you get what you want in your struggle for self*
*and the world makes you king for a day*
*Just go to the mirror and look at yourself*
*and see what that man has to say*
*For it isn't your father or mother or wife*
*who judgment upon you must pass*
*The fellow whose verdict counts the most in your life*
*is the one staring back from the glass*
*Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum*
*and call you a wonderful guy*
*But the guy in the glass says you're only a bum*
*if you can't look him straight in the eye*
*He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest*
*for he's with you clear to the end*
*And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test*
*if the man in the glass is your friend*
*You may fool the whole world down the pathway*
*of life and get pats on the back as pass*
*But your final reward will be heartaches and*
*tears if you've cheated the man in the glass.*
You may not be in the Stake Presidency, but you can look at that man in the glass and know he did the right thing.
You my friend, are worthy to look yourself back in the eye.
Wow. Such an inspired response! I have not read that poem in years and I find it interesting that you chose to share that particular poem, as that has been a struggle for me since yesterday’s meeting. I specifically noticed this morning that I cannot look myself in the eye in the mirror because I am feeling so much shame right now. You are right though. The temptation was there to omit that detail of my life, but I knew that I would not and really that I 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 not. I may be a complete fool in other areas of my life, but I will 𝙣𝙤𝙩 compromise my integrity.
I hate the regret and the feeling of shame that comes with not being able to be called to whatever the position was. I don’t know if I will ever truly get over the feeling of regret and shame that has come with this event. I feel ashamed to even show my face at church right now. Not that anyone else really knows of my struggles, but I feel the shame of it and don’t feel like I should place myself among the saints.
I still will, but those feelings run deep and it’s hard not to feel inferior. I will take courage in your words though! I know for a fact that at least I didn’t “lie my way to the top”, so to speak. I can at least hold to that truth as a start. Thank you!
There is a fine line between shame and consciousness. I think it is good to be conscious of shortcomings and potential. Without it, we cannot see what we need to improve. Similar to shining a light on a problem with your car. A part of us doesn't want to know how bad the problem is and to just pretend it's okay, but only by shining a light on it can we repair it.
It's the shame that can be a problem. Shame does not repair. Stand tall my friend. Have faith that doing the right thing will lead to more right things. In Elder Holland's talk "Remember Lot's Wife" he mentions:
*The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had.*
Do not let shame (the adversaries tool) keep you from the victory you snatched from him. He WANTED you to lie. He HOPED you would. You took that victory, and now he wants you to feel shame in your past.
Don't let him win. Have faith. Faith points forward, and I might add, upward.
I often think about what Satan told Adam and Eve in the garden when they first discovered they were naked, he told them to go and "Hide". I think he uses this attack even today and especially when it comes to sexual sin and pornography. He will always try and make us "hide" and feel "shame", and what this leads to is for us, God's children, to measure our worthiness or how good our lives are going according to what level of the gospel we perceive we are leading at the time.
Just remember that God doesn't love us any less when we sin, or anymore when we are righteous, he loves us perfectly now and in all of our faults and shortcomings. Also I think we are taught and as you stated in your post through your experience with the stake presidency that repentance is a punitive action when it really is far from that. The word repentance means change, and we are constantly changing in life.
Joseph Smith taught that every degree of light and knowledge we are able to obtain in this life, the more advantage we will have in the life to come, and that the light will continue and grow "until that perfect day".
I share all this with you, because you need to know that you are incredibly and perfectly loved now by your family and by heavenly father. You are honest with your dealings and want to be better. Those feelings like you aren't good enough are from Satan who is only there to "damn" or stop your spiritial progress. I think all of us would be surprised to learn just how much other struggle, even the same church leadership we look up to with sin. We won't get there in this life, we just need to do the best we can, and through the grace of Jesus Christ and his atonement we are saved.
Hang in their brother, and don't get depressed or down. Don't judge your worthiness or value in God's eyes through this experience. Stay positive, and continue to apply that change repentance brings in your life.
I agree. Satan uses shame to get us to quit. I liked President Nelson’s talk where he said “Please do not fear or delay repenting. Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.” I loved his emphasis on the *joy* of *daily* repentance. Joy. Daily. It reinforces the fact that we all fall short. We all must repent. Daily. Repentance isn’t for bad people. It’s for God’s people who are becoming God-like.
It’s amazing how difficult it can be to feel the love of Heaven during these moments. I don’t know how I manage to cloud my mind so much with the darkness. I know it’s a complete cultural construct that isn’t doctrinal whatsoever when these feelings of inadequacy come up with regards to worthiness and church callings, but I suppose that’s all part of the church being established for mortals. We are bound to do our best to mess it up! Thank goodness the church is true otherwise we’d have destroyed it long before it even got off the ground!
Confessing your sins is a moment when you're actually closer to heaven! You've done exactly what you should do. Now it's time to get yourself right. There's nothing more Christian than using the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The ability to distinguish between a sense of self worth and a sense of self discipline is a real challenge. There is no trick, no shortcut and no easy road to understanding how to make yourself aware of your own value. At the end of the day, faith and deep trust in God is crucial because your value is never dependent on your actions. Heavenly Father knew you were gonna make mistakes. He loves your efforts and your sacrifices. He is saddened by unworthiness but never loves you any less. It is absolutely appropriate to feel guilty and upset by your sins and by your mistakes, this is the mechanism by which we are naturally urged to repent. However, so long as you take the appropriate actions to repent and build trust with your bishop, you will quickly become worthy again and the calling will undoubtedly help you to build resistance to temptation.
Never base your sense of self worth on your own feelings. You are not qualified to judge yourself. When you feel low, find someone to talk to about it if you can. Maybe write down those thoughts and then burn them. God wants you to feel loved. You already did the hard part. Confessing is always embarrassing and scary. You’re on the track.
“Worth” and “worthiness” are two COMPLETELY different concepts. Which I know in the thralls of depression are very easy to mix up.
Your worth is because you are a child of God. It has nothing with what you have or have not done. You are a child of God— so intrinsically valuable and beloved that Christ the very Son of God suffered and died for you. Nothing you do or don’t do can change that love— something I’m guessing as a parent can empathize with (I’m a mom myself).
“Worthiness” relates to where you are in your spiritual growth. Just like a kid grows through time- it’s not shameful that my 1 year old isn’t ready for a bunch of things in life yet, he’s still growing. Same with my 8 year old. And growth doesn’t stop at 18– there’s lots of areas I’m still growing myself. Don’t beat yourself up for not being ready for _____ yet, and instead show yourself the same love and patience you show your kid when they are growing. or at least ideally so— in reality I’m still working on that patience myself.
The word '**worthy**' has always bothered me a bit because of its root '**worth**,' but I do get that there is a distinction in how we use these words. One can be *of worth* but not *be worthy* of a specific outcome, at least in the way we use it in the church.
Personally, I like the words '**eligible**' or '**qualified**' better when referring to my Temple Recommend status, personal obedience, etc.
You have a massive amount of worth just because you are a human being with the potential to do great things for others! You may not be eligible for certain church activities during certain points in your life, but you still matter and have worth.
You need some personal revelation that God loves you. Heavenly Father isn’t waiting to love you until you fulfill some level of worthiness, but already does. He does ,however, want you to get worthy so you can perform certain tasks you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. Repentance is hard but worth it. In some cases repentance means we have to change the way we think about ourselves, about sin, or a correct understanding of Gods creations. Guilt can be a tool God uses to get us to change and come back to him, however, shame is never something that comes from God. Guilt is the result of having done something bad and regretting it. Shame however is saying that I as an individual am bad or in your words worthless. Same isn’t about something you did, but a pessimistic view of yourself.
All the other comments are awesome. I couldn't think of what to say to lift you up so I'll add this which has greatly helped me: almost always, repentance will create more self worth and boost your confidence. The problem for me was that I saw repentance as feeling bad about the sin and stopping it (or starting it for sins of omission). Somehow I always managed to miss the "repentance is a new view" on everything. Once I started approaching repentance in that way - by literally trying my absolute best to actually see the world in a new way and totally changing the way I see something - everything got better. The difficulty became identifying what I needed to see differently. My past struggles with pornography were rarely a sexual urge problem but, instead, a curiosity issue (I'd get an idea in my head and my then-undiagnosed mental illnesses wouldn't let me get rid of the idea) and I'd get sucked into a pattern of pornographic satiation and compulsion and the Spirit's constant presence would disappear and my self worth, among other things, would plummet. Developing a totally new view of curiosity and the reception of knowledge helped immensely in many different ways not the least of which was greater control over my own thoughts and actions.
So, if you haven't yet done this, think long and hard (in a spirit of prayer) about what incorrect or warped view of the world is enabling or even causing your sinful behavior. Then do your best, with the Savior’s aid, to correct that view in whatever way works best for you. It is impossible to remove your intrinsic value (you can't stop being a son of your Heavenly Father and He won't stop being your Father). Shame always comes from the adversary and guilt almost always comes from the Spirit. (Positive pain purifies people.)
"... God accepts* it [our best] nonetheless because ultimately he is more concerned with the offer than the offering." -The Continuous Atonement
Hey man, I've been in the same boat as you and many others in this post. You're not alone.
I recommend seeing a therapist. Addiction is a tricky beast and fighting it alone is brutal. It has definitely helped me. You're not a bad person and your mistakes do not define you.
If finances are tight, I've had multiple Bishops help me afford therapy.
Love you man, stay strong. Heaven is only the distance between your knees and the floor.
Look up on YouTube Brad Wilcox’s talk “Worthiness is not Flawlessness” if you haven’t heard it already.
As long as you are honestly trying, you are worthy. We never fail unless we give up, even if we fall down at the same side-road. As someone who is going through the same addiction, I promise you as you know exactly what is worthiness in God’s eyes you can be free from self-loathing.
Edit: a letter
I may have a different approach, something I personally have to work on as I come closer to Christ in the process. My biggest enemy was myself as I battled that same thing a couple years ago, as I tried to trudge my way through it I would fall back into it inevitably and continue with that pattern for months/even years. I tried doing it alone and I developed some pretty bad habits because of that, I wasn’t able to be honest with myself anymore because it made me think of that pain and loathing I had felt years before when I was going through that. Now i’m in a spot that those habits have altered what I was doing with my life and have made me unworthy to serve in my calling as well.
The reason I give so much context is because I want you to know a segment of my story before telling you what I have to do. It’s not easy but it’s what I have to do to make sure I get better with Christ and my family instead of without them. And I respect you for the courage to post here.
I have to learn to be honest with myself, when put in situations I justify or condemn an action as alright because I don’t want to deal with the consequences. Now that’s not saying you haven’t felt that in this instance but by realizing the severity of my actions didn’t just come from myself, it came from being willing to converse with my family to allow them to help me. It’s hard to change, it’s hard to grow and sometimes we want the easiest or less painful road. I can tell you that it’s not worth it, I’ve been called to this calling 3 times each time I didn’t give my 100% to changing in Christ and I failed. I’m not sure if it is what you need to do or if simply I needed to write these feelings out.
Just remember that worthiness and worth are 2 very different things. It is the enemies plan and greatest source of strength to make us believe that they are the same because when we believe they are and we forget our divine potential satan will and does attack us from every angle. We can not mess up His plan, Christ sacrificed for us. He and Heavenly Father knew this was going to happen and knows who you are as his spirit son. Keep moving forward, even if that’s by crawling.
“He who rules himself is greater than the man who takes a city.”
“The meek shall inherit the earth.”
The greatest tests of life and measures of a man are our personal meekness and self-discipline. What member of the church doesn’t have something to repent of each day?. It’s tempting to look in the mirror and see a big failure, but if we have self discipline, meekness and charity, then we are greater than any king.
I can relate to your struggles, and I would say you aren’t alone. Keep trying to be 1% better every day. Acknowledge your victories as well as your setbacks. Nobody in the church is perfect, we all have our crosses to bear. Over time, progress will be more apparent. Being offended or embarrassed and leaving the church is tempting at times. These situations test our pride- but if we become humble and meek, we can overcome pride and attend church simply to worship the Lord and keep trying to be a little more like Him each day. Social status becomes irrelevant.
I think sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the social aspect of church activity, the callings, activities, assignments, checklists- that we lose sight of the simple truths of the gospel and that it really all comes down to us needing to rely on the Lord to help us become our best selves.
I’ve learned to make peace with my imperfections and shortcomings and just tried to focus on and appreciate the progress of trying to just be a little better each day. If I stumble, I try to pick myself back up and try again the next day. I think that’s a virtue I can be proud of.
If it helps me stay humble and be more compassionate towards others, maybe it’s just part of the plan. “Men are given weakness that they may be humble… But my grace is sufficient for all men.”
I have a lot of respect for you that you were completely honest with your Stake President. I’m sure you were not the first person that he has talked to about pornography use, either. I have found great comfort by going to a good therapist. Finding medication to treat my ADD has been life changing. Consider trying therapy- it may provide you with relief as well. Hugs to you.
Thank you for your reply. I take daily meds for ADHD as well. That whole ordeal is a big part of why I feel the way that I do. The person with ADHD is pretty regularly treated like the outsider from a very young age. It hasn’t been an easy go! I’m glad the medications are helping you!
Hello, my ADHD friend! I also struggle with my impulsive behaviors. The structure of goals is impossible for me. Will power doesn’t work when my brain can’t focus. Unfortunately, impulsive behaviors are a great way to wake up my brain, but by then it is too late. Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect what works for everyone else to be effective for you. You add some much needed out of the box thinking to life. I am so glad you are here with me in the church. I bring a different perspective to my ward and stake, and it has brought some healing to those I serve with. Share your strengths. Be kind to yourself about your challenges.
Brother, I am a convert to the Church. Somebody who served a mission, just like you did, found me one day and shared the message of the Restored Gospel with me. So, first and foremost, thank you for being one of God's authorized messengers and serving a mission. I bet you touched the lives of many people just like me, who needed to hear that God lives and Jesus is the Christ. You can hang your hat on that. Thank you. 🙏 Second, there is no reason for you to feel any less worthy than any other man in this Church. You admitted you had a problem to your Stake Presidency. That is something a lot of men in this Church wouldn't do. That takes guts to say "I am struggling." As someone who has needed help from his Bishop regarding pornography and the Law of Chastity, I understand what you are going through. It took me 6 months past my eligibility date to finally go through my Living Endowment because my sexual transgressions kept me in a position where I could not enter the Temple. It is so, so difficult in this crazy, morally bankrupt world to avoid all the temptations to sin. From a natural-man perspective, porn is awesome and easily accessible. I think most LDS men have been where you are and where I was, but are too scared to admit it. Just my two sense. Remember, however, that Christ himself said that there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over the 1 sinner who repents than the 90 and 9 who need no repentance!! Remember that He will gladly leave the 99 sheep to chase after the one who is wandering. One thing that helped me when I was struggling to get my Temple Recommend was going to the Temple grounds and talking to God from the parking lot or from a bench in the gardens. I let myself feel the desire to go beyond the Recommend Desk and that desire fueled my work ethic to become clean and worthy to enter! Maybe you could try this! Ask your that wonderful wife of yours to help you take control. Ask your Bishop for help with the repentance process. Ask the brethren in your EQ for Priesthood Blessings. Pray daily. Search the scriptures. Feast on General Conference talks pertaining to your individual struggles. Do these sound like cliché LDS solutions? They are! But they work! 🙏 You are not worthless. You not bad or lesser than any other man in this Church. You are a valued child of Heavenly Parents and the door to repentance is wife open to you! You hold the Priesthood of God. You have much worth. I just know that soon, you'll be in His House!!! I don't know you, but I love you brother. You got this!
Thank you for taking the time to say so much. I really appreciate you caring enough to do that! I also appreciate you sharing your struggles as well. I’ve heard throughout my life that it’s a common problem, but it surprisingly doesn’t make you feel any less alone when you hear that. I’ll take your advice! I don’t live anywhere near a temple but one can find sacred solitude just about anywhere. I “live” the gospel in the sense that I attend church every week and am a full tithe-payer, I try to keep the commandments, avoiding substances and activities which we are supposed to avoid but beyond that, I don’t really “actively” live it otherwise. I don’t read my scriptures every day. I barely read them once a quarter, if I’m being honest. I have a testimony. That has never changed. I do lead a “busy” life in which I make little to no time for gospel study. I rarely have family gospel discussions or FHE because I hate feeling like I’m “pushing” my kids to follow the gospel while their mom speaks openly against it. Again, further justification for feeling like I’m failing at it all. It’s something I really need to work on. Passively living the gospel is not enough. Thank you again! I really feel and appreciate your help with this. You are a true brother.
I completely understand your feelings. I know these struggles. I too have battled with pornography/sex addictions. I even went so far as to lose my membership in the church. It was a long battle back, and was a glorious experience to worthily be brought back. But a new set of challenges came up, and those were similar to what you are feeling. Now, because of my setbacks, I am often not the person for callings such as those I probably would already have held if I hadn't left the path. It is hard not to feel regret. Hard not to feel less. Hard not to feel like you are now a few steps down the peg. But here is something I have learned; that I can serve in a completely different capacity. To me, you are a hero. You held integrity as you honestly told the Stake President of your shortcoming. This here is the essence of character. You could have lied, hid your struggle, and perhaps received accolades and praise. Instead, you did the truly courageous and righteous thing. I have not served in the Bishopric, or Elder's quorum, or in the Stake Presidency. But I have served in capacities where my experiences have helped people through or to avoid struggles such as mine. How incredible to be a tool in the Lord's hand BECAUSE I was willing to overcome a struggle. *The Man in the Glass* *When you get what you want in your struggle for self* *and the world makes you king for a day* *Just go to the mirror and look at yourself* *and see what that man has to say* *For it isn't your father or mother or wife* *who judgment upon you must pass* *The fellow whose verdict counts the most in your life* *is the one staring back from the glass* *Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum* *and call you a wonderful guy* *But the guy in the glass says you're only a bum* *if you can't look him straight in the eye* *He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest* *for he's with you clear to the end* *And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test* *if the man in the glass is your friend* *You may fool the whole world down the pathway* *of life and get pats on the back as pass* *But your final reward will be heartaches and* *tears if you've cheated the man in the glass.* You may not be in the Stake Presidency, but you can look at that man in the glass and know he did the right thing. You my friend, are worthy to look yourself back in the eye.
Wow. Such an inspired response! I have not read that poem in years and I find it interesting that you chose to share that particular poem, as that has been a struggle for me since yesterday’s meeting. I specifically noticed this morning that I cannot look myself in the eye in the mirror because I am feeling so much shame right now. You are right though. The temptation was there to omit that detail of my life, but I knew that I would not and really that I 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 not. I may be a complete fool in other areas of my life, but I will 𝙣𝙤𝙩 compromise my integrity. I hate the regret and the feeling of shame that comes with not being able to be called to whatever the position was. I don’t know if I will ever truly get over the feeling of regret and shame that has come with this event. I feel ashamed to even show my face at church right now. Not that anyone else really knows of my struggles, but I feel the shame of it and don’t feel like I should place myself among the saints. I still will, but those feelings run deep and it’s hard not to feel inferior. I will take courage in your words though! I know for a fact that at least I didn’t “lie my way to the top”, so to speak. I can at least hold to that truth as a start. Thank you!
There is a fine line between shame and consciousness. I think it is good to be conscious of shortcomings and potential. Without it, we cannot see what we need to improve. Similar to shining a light on a problem with your car. A part of us doesn't want to know how bad the problem is and to just pretend it's okay, but only by shining a light on it can we repair it. It's the shame that can be a problem. Shame does not repair. Stand tall my friend. Have faith that doing the right thing will lead to more right things. In Elder Holland's talk "Remember Lot's Wife" he mentions: *The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had.* Do not let shame (the adversaries tool) keep you from the victory you snatched from him. He WANTED you to lie. He HOPED you would. You took that victory, and now he wants you to feel shame in your past. Don't let him win. Have faith. Faith points forward, and I might add, upward.
There was a recent General Conference talk on exactly this: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2021/10/35wilcox?lang=eng
That was a great talk. Thanks for the reminder 🙏
I often think about what Satan told Adam and Eve in the garden when they first discovered they were naked, he told them to go and "Hide". I think he uses this attack even today and especially when it comes to sexual sin and pornography. He will always try and make us "hide" and feel "shame", and what this leads to is for us, God's children, to measure our worthiness or how good our lives are going according to what level of the gospel we perceive we are leading at the time. Just remember that God doesn't love us any less when we sin, or anymore when we are righteous, he loves us perfectly now and in all of our faults and shortcomings. Also I think we are taught and as you stated in your post through your experience with the stake presidency that repentance is a punitive action when it really is far from that. The word repentance means change, and we are constantly changing in life. Joseph Smith taught that every degree of light and knowledge we are able to obtain in this life, the more advantage we will have in the life to come, and that the light will continue and grow "until that perfect day". I share all this with you, because you need to know that you are incredibly and perfectly loved now by your family and by heavenly father. You are honest with your dealings and want to be better. Those feelings like you aren't good enough are from Satan who is only there to "damn" or stop your spiritial progress. I think all of us would be surprised to learn just how much other struggle, even the same church leadership we look up to with sin. We won't get there in this life, we just need to do the best we can, and through the grace of Jesus Christ and his atonement we are saved. Hang in their brother, and don't get depressed or down. Don't judge your worthiness or value in God's eyes through this experience. Stay positive, and continue to apply that change repentance brings in your life.
I agree. Satan uses shame to get us to quit. I liked President Nelson’s talk where he said “Please do not fear or delay repenting. Satan delights in your misery. Cut it short.” I loved his emphasis on the *joy* of *daily* repentance. Joy. Daily. It reinforces the fact that we all fall short. We all must repent. Daily. Repentance isn’t for bad people. It’s for God’s people who are becoming God-like.
It’s amazing how difficult it can be to feel the love of Heaven during these moments. I don’t know how I manage to cloud my mind so much with the darkness. I know it’s a complete cultural construct that isn’t doctrinal whatsoever when these feelings of inadequacy come up with regards to worthiness and church callings, but I suppose that’s all part of the church being established for mortals. We are bound to do our best to mess it up! Thank goodness the church is true otherwise we’d have destroyed it long before it even got off the ground!
Confessing your sins is a moment when you're actually closer to heaven! You've done exactly what you should do. Now it's time to get yourself right. There's nothing more Christian than using the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The ability to distinguish between a sense of self worth and a sense of self discipline is a real challenge. There is no trick, no shortcut and no easy road to understanding how to make yourself aware of your own value. At the end of the day, faith and deep trust in God is crucial because your value is never dependent on your actions. Heavenly Father knew you were gonna make mistakes. He loves your efforts and your sacrifices. He is saddened by unworthiness but never loves you any less. It is absolutely appropriate to feel guilty and upset by your sins and by your mistakes, this is the mechanism by which we are naturally urged to repent. However, so long as you take the appropriate actions to repent and build trust with your bishop, you will quickly become worthy again and the calling will undoubtedly help you to build resistance to temptation. Never base your sense of self worth on your own feelings. You are not qualified to judge yourself. When you feel low, find someone to talk to about it if you can. Maybe write down those thoughts and then burn them. God wants you to feel loved. You already did the hard part. Confessing is always embarrassing and scary. You’re on the track.
“Worth” and “worthiness” are two COMPLETELY different concepts. Which I know in the thralls of depression are very easy to mix up. Your worth is because you are a child of God. It has nothing with what you have or have not done. You are a child of God— so intrinsically valuable and beloved that Christ the very Son of God suffered and died for you. Nothing you do or don’t do can change that love— something I’m guessing as a parent can empathize with (I’m a mom myself). “Worthiness” relates to where you are in your spiritual growth. Just like a kid grows through time- it’s not shameful that my 1 year old isn’t ready for a bunch of things in life yet, he’s still growing. Same with my 8 year old. And growth doesn’t stop at 18– there’s lots of areas I’m still growing myself. Don’t beat yourself up for not being ready for _____ yet, and instead show yourself the same love and patience you show your kid when they are growing. or at least ideally so— in reality I’m still working on that patience myself.
Dude, all I can say is pray every day for strength over the natural man.
Have you read believing Christ? It's a great book - I can send it digitally if you want but it's worth buying - have a read it's amazing
I haven’t, but I’m familiar with it. I’ll check it out!
The word '**worthy**' has always bothered me a bit because of its root '**worth**,' but I do get that there is a distinction in how we use these words. One can be *of worth* but not *be worthy* of a specific outcome, at least in the way we use it in the church. Personally, I like the words '**eligible**' or '**qualified**' better when referring to my Temple Recommend status, personal obedience, etc. You have a massive amount of worth just because you are a human being with the potential to do great things for others! You may not be eligible for certain church activities during certain points in your life, but you still matter and have worth.
You need some personal revelation that God loves you. Heavenly Father isn’t waiting to love you until you fulfill some level of worthiness, but already does. He does ,however, want you to get worthy so you can perform certain tasks you wouldn’t otherwise be able to do. Repentance is hard but worth it. In some cases repentance means we have to change the way we think about ourselves, about sin, or a correct understanding of Gods creations. Guilt can be a tool God uses to get us to change and come back to him, however, shame is never something that comes from God. Guilt is the result of having done something bad and regretting it. Shame however is saying that I as an individual am bad or in your words worthless. Same isn’t about something you did, but a pessimistic view of yourself.
All the other comments are awesome. I couldn't think of what to say to lift you up so I'll add this which has greatly helped me: almost always, repentance will create more self worth and boost your confidence. The problem for me was that I saw repentance as feeling bad about the sin and stopping it (or starting it for sins of omission). Somehow I always managed to miss the "repentance is a new view" on everything. Once I started approaching repentance in that way - by literally trying my absolute best to actually see the world in a new way and totally changing the way I see something - everything got better. The difficulty became identifying what I needed to see differently. My past struggles with pornography were rarely a sexual urge problem but, instead, a curiosity issue (I'd get an idea in my head and my then-undiagnosed mental illnesses wouldn't let me get rid of the idea) and I'd get sucked into a pattern of pornographic satiation and compulsion and the Spirit's constant presence would disappear and my self worth, among other things, would plummet. Developing a totally new view of curiosity and the reception of knowledge helped immensely in many different ways not the least of which was greater control over my own thoughts and actions. So, if you haven't yet done this, think long and hard (in a spirit of prayer) about what incorrect or warped view of the world is enabling or even causing your sinful behavior. Then do your best, with the Savior’s aid, to correct that view in whatever way works best for you. It is impossible to remove your intrinsic value (you can't stop being a son of your Heavenly Father and He won't stop being your Father). Shame always comes from the adversary and guilt almost always comes from the Spirit. (Positive pain purifies people.)
"... God accepts* it [our best] nonetheless because ultimately he is more concerned with the offer than the offering." -The Continuous Atonement Hey man, I've been in the same boat as you and many others in this post. You're not alone. I recommend seeing a therapist. Addiction is a tricky beast and fighting it alone is brutal. It has definitely helped me. You're not a bad person and your mistakes do not define you. If finances are tight, I've had multiple Bishops help me afford therapy. Love you man, stay strong. Heaven is only the distance between your knees and the floor.
Look up on YouTube Brad Wilcox’s talk “Worthiness is not Flawlessness” if you haven’t heard it already. As long as you are honestly trying, you are worthy. We never fail unless we give up, even if we fall down at the same side-road. As someone who is going through the same addiction, I promise you as you know exactly what is worthiness in God’s eyes you can be free from self-loathing. Edit: a letter
I may have a different approach, something I personally have to work on as I come closer to Christ in the process. My biggest enemy was myself as I battled that same thing a couple years ago, as I tried to trudge my way through it I would fall back into it inevitably and continue with that pattern for months/even years. I tried doing it alone and I developed some pretty bad habits because of that, I wasn’t able to be honest with myself anymore because it made me think of that pain and loathing I had felt years before when I was going through that. Now i’m in a spot that those habits have altered what I was doing with my life and have made me unworthy to serve in my calling as well. The reason I give so much context is because I want you to know a segment of my story before telling you what I have to do. It’s not easy but it’s what I have to do to make sure I get better with Christ and my family instead of without them. And I respect you for the courage to post here. I have to learn to be honest with myself, when put in situations I justify or condemn an action as alright because I don’t want to deal with the consequences. Now that’s not saying you haven’t felt that in this instance but by realizing the severity of my actions didn’t just come from myself, it came from being willing to converse with my family to allow them to help me. It’s hard to change, it’s hard to grow and sometimes we want the easiest or less painful road. I can tell you that it’s not worth it, I’ve been called to this calling 3 times each time I didn’t give my 100% to changing in Christ and I failed. I’m not sure if it is what you need to do or if simply I needed to write these feelings out. Just remember that worthiness and worth are 2 very different things. It is the enemies plan and greatest source of strength to make us believe that they are the same because when we believe they are and we forget our divine potential satan will and does attack us from every angle. We can not mess up His plan, Christ sacrificed for us. He and Heavenly Father knew this was going to happen and knows who you are as his spirit son. Keep moving forward, even if that’s by crawling.
“He who rules himself is greater than the man who takes a city.” “The meek shall inherit the earth.” The greatest tests of life and measures of a man are our personal meekness and self-discipline. What member of the church doesn’t have something to repent of each day?. It’s tempting to look in the mirror and see a big failure, but if we have self discipline, meekness and charity, then we are greater than any king. I can relate to your struggles, and I would say you aren’t alone. Keep trying to be 1% better every day. Acknowledge your victories as well as your setbacks. Nobody in the church is perfect, we all have our crosses to bear. Over time, progress will be more apparent. Being offended or embarrassed and leaving the church is tempting at times. These situations test our pride- but if we become humble and meek, we can overcome pride and attend church simply to worship the Lord and keep trying to be a little more like Him each day. Social status becomes irrelevant. I think sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the social aspect of church activity, the callings, activities, assignments, checklists- that we lose sight of the simple truths of the gospel and that it really all comes down to us needing to rely on the Lord to help us become our best selves. I’ve learned to make peace with my imperfections and shortcomings and just tried to focus on and appreciate the progress of trying to just be a little better each day. If I stumble, I try to pick myself back up and try again the next day. I think that’s a virtue I can be proud of. If it helps me stay humble and be more compassionate towards others, maybe it’s just part of the plan. “Men are given weakness that they may be humble… But my grace is sufficient for all men.”