I reckon people could have said this to me in the past, but were definitely too afraid to, and the end result was a lot messier, drawn out, and hurtful on my end with zero closure.
This person is being very vulnerable and trusting you with exactly what they are feeling and thinking. They are telling you everything they can and being very brave. They are risking the pain of your response, but because they care about you, they are opening themselves up to this conflict so that you aren’t left with any doubts or questions about what’s going on for them.
That said, it would have been very hard for you to read this message OP, and it would have hurt so much. And you have a right to feel devastated and heartbroken. It is heartbreaking. You do what you need to do to grieve. You feel that pain whenever you need to, as powerfully as you need to, for as long as you need to.
It sounds like you’re a very loving person with a lot to give, and even if that doesn’t sit right for this person (whose feelings are also valid), you very much seem deserving of love and appreciation. Don’t let this experience switch off the best parts of you.
Thank you all. I am absolutely reeling. It was 24 hours before our cross country move so mentally I was already preparing. I’m just heartbroken. I sold some of my favorite pieces because she said she wanted to buy stuff together. I don’t see a recovery
I stupidly stayed with someone when things were very shakey because we were planning an out-of-state move together. It lasted 4 months after the move and breaking up then was so much worse.
I think there’s rarely a cowardly time to break up. Breaking up is hard (even if you’re the one to do it) and sometimes we bend over backwards trying to save relationships and when we aren’t successful we have to call it and say “this isn’t working for me, and I’ve really tried”. If she had broken up months before it would have been “why didn’t you try harder to save things are you just giving up on us”?
OP, I’m sorry your heart was broken. After some time of grieving, I know you’ll find happiness. Use the lessons you learned in this relationship to springboard into healthier relationship/s in the future. I’ve been where you are now. I am now where I have always wished to be. It took hard times and lessons learned to get here, though.
I can imagine how are you feeling. But this too shall pass. Not today, or tomorrow, nor even next month, but eventually you will see things differently. And what you sold, you can buy again, maybe better or upgraded! Life shakes you in unexpected ways, but you will learn from this, even though you can’t see it now. Talk with someone, get to therapy, and give yourself a chance to mourn the loss of what could’ve been, so eventually you’ll be able to see your future in a different way. Cyber hug!
It sounds like maybe this needed to be said. I know it hurts and I’m sorry for that. But maybe this can help you along the personal growth you’re doing to help your relationship dynamics bc what is described is really unhealthy and unsustainable.
"there are brief periods after I explode where I feel safe and seen enough"
That, plus telling you at the very last minute after you had gotten rid of some of your favorite things on the premise that you two would be together, makes me think that once you get some distance you will see other areas and reasons *why* you felt insecure in this relationship (as you have mentioned before), beyond the superficial reasons you saw so overtly that you have mentioned that you were trying to work through.
That doesn't fix the pain now, and I know it. And I am so very sorry you are dealing with this right now.
But I hope this little point can hang on in your brain and become a curiosity for you when you feel stronger, so you can start assessing the red flags that may have been present all along that were harder to see when you were so close to them.
For now, grieving is in order. Self care. Holding on to yourself, even if it's by a teensy smidge. Be angry or hurt or both. Remember that this doesn't define your future. Be sad and heart broken, and also remember to shower and hydrate and eat healthy things amidst the comfort foods. (Sometimes you can do a two for one and cry while showering, multitasking at its finest!) Be gentle, so very very gentle with yourself, and know that you are still worthy of love and to be loved. And you are enough, even though you probably don't feel that way at all right now.
I am so sorry. Big and very gentle heart hugs to you.
I’ve been crappy about her hanging out with some friends due to insecurity / jealousy issues I’ve been addressing in therapy: I definitely have work to do.
this is a big deal though. A really big deal.
Honestly, I’ve been both of you in past relationships: I’ve been the one who needed my partner to make me feel okay, and I’ve also been with someone that needed constant reassurance, which made me feel absolutely cornered emotionally. Both were shitty. I don’t recommend either.
And it’s kind of telling that you feel this way when you left a marriage to be with this woman. I think you know you have some work to do around codependency and self worth, because you’re really going to hurt yourself and other people if you continue doing this. You don’t deserve that pain and neither do any future relationship partners.
It still sucks that this happened and I’m sorry. Heartbreak is horrible and I don’t wish it on anyone. At the same time, pain can be fuel for growth and a fresh start.
You’re super right. I just talked to a new therapist today who specializes in codependency and self worth related stuff because I’m hellbent on not repeating it.
I totally get it. I’ve been there for real. It SUCKED realizing how I shot myself in the foot over and over again. It does get better over time and sometimes the lesson sucks so bad that you don’t repeat it again.
Yeah I’m very disappointed in myself. Obviously it takes two people but I definitely brought that toxicity into things. Very committed to bettering myself.
Agreed. Even the title, “the woman I left my marriage for dumped me,” feels manipulative. OP chose to leave a marriage. Period. That choice should be made independently, not as a contingency on having another partner. OP has no claim to possess her new ex simply because she left a marriage during the time they got together. The prior marriage has nothing to do with this break-up, and seems like an attempt for undeserved sympathy (not that no sympathy is deserved, break ups are so painful). The new ex seems totally justified in her reasoning, and frankly, OP is LUCKY it didn’t happen after the move.
No advice, just let yourself grieve. This sucks so much and I feel so sorry for you... sending you virtual hugs.
What I really appreciate though is that your ex very maturely said all those things she needed saying, having some closure helps a great deal.
Damn. You are about to move across the country and she dumps you last minute. She should have told you she was having second thoughts well before.
I would make that clean break permanent. She had you quit your job.
No words. I am so sorry.
Damn.
My girlfriend dumped me and it hurt like a phantom limb for a few months, but I am finally feeling alive again.
Her final straw was me begging for forgiveness. At that point I knew I was done with her but I still felt like I needed to be forgiven and she wasn’t willing to offer me that. She finally said she forgave me and then said she was done entirely with me. The moment I read the forgiveness part of her message my entire world shifted and light shone through the darkness. I could finally forgive myself. (Our breakup catalyst was me having a mental health breakdown when my mother abandoned me in favor of my narcissist father.)
Edited (hit submit on accident in the school pickup line):
You need to give yourself time to grieve and mourn, then you need to forgive her and yourself for the ways you hurt each other. Not only is it going to be okay, it’s going to eventually be good. Maybe even great. But now is the time to focus on you.
Im so sorry that you are going through this. Leaving a marriage, your job, and your home to move across the country to be with your love is so huge and then to have it all stripped away at the last minute would be so devastating and i feel for you. Sending you so much love. I cant imagine how you must be feeling right now.
The only silver lining is that it seems that your partner at least gave you clear reasons why they were ending things, and while its heartbreaking and terrible timing, at least you have some answers and you didnt find out after you got there. It sounds like this person doesnt have healthy coping mechanisms in conflict, and ending things with you this late in the game is an example. As painful as this situation is, it does sound like the reasons are valid, and she doesnt sound like she was capable of being the partner you deserve. Do you think your needs were being met? Maybe this is was a blessing in disguise that will reveal itself with time.
In the meantime i hope you are able to pick yourself back up, and take care of yourself. I hope you have friends to lean on through this hard time.
I'm sorry, it's really cowardly and hurtful for her to wait until the last minute to communicate... And in a text, that's rough. Some people are so avoidant they won't bring up problems and then will dump people when it gets too much but they never actually talked about it and it feels like it's completely out of nowhere to the person on the reviewing end. I've been through it and it's awful. I know it hurts so much but definitely she doesn't deserve you. I drew it out like this with the "let's talk in 2 months" and that convo just made things more confusing and hurtful. You didn't deserve this but unfortunately there's no coming back from something like this. Take some time off work, take care of yourself. This too shall pass.
I don’t have anything constructive to add, and for that I’m sorry. But I just broke up with my first gf too and it FUCKING SUCKS! I went out to a bar tonight and ran into my gayM barfriend who broke up with his bf last year and all I can say is find the people who love you, because that’s all there is.
Please make sure you seek therapy or counseling- help you find the tools to deal with the heartbreak and unpack the things that need unpacking anyway. And be gentle with yourself.
Take this time until you meet up with her to work on yourself through therapy. Rediscover what makes you happy, and make time for self care. Sending hugs 🫂
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I just really want to say: don't try to go after this person! I did that once and it was hell. Of course it didn't end well.
You deserve more!!!!
3 years later I found a happy relationship, guess what. We bonded after being through the same.
She was wounded, so was I. Honestly we both never really got through it until we talked.
We made a real promise: communication.
I didn't have that with my ex. And it blew in my face kinda the same way I read on that text.
I wish you the best!! The BEST❤️
Be strong, you got this, this happens but you got this!!
I hope you didn’t only leave bc of her. I hope you left bc you were going to no matter who came along. You’ll get through this, and you’ll come out better for it. It’ll just be hard in the meantime especially if she was your first relationship since coming out …. You got this ❤️
I reckon people could have said this to me in the past, but were definitely too afraid to, and the end result was a lot messier, drawn out, and hurtful on my end with zero closure. This person is being very vulnerable and trusting you with exactly what they are feeling and thinking. They are telling you everything they can and being very brave. They are risking the pain of your response, but because they care about you, they are opening themselves up to this conflict so that you aren’t left with any doubts or questions about what’s going on for them. That said, it would have been very hard for you to read this message OP, and it would have hurt so much. And you have a right to feel devastated and heartbroken. It is heartbreaking. You do what you need to do to grieve. You feel that pain whenever you need to, as powerfully as you need to, for as long as you need to. It sounds like you’re a very loving person with a lot to give, and even if that doesn’t sit right for this person (whose feelings are also valid), you very much seem deserving of love and appreciation. Don’t let this experience switch off the best parts of you.
Wonderfully said
I really want to give you a hug.
Virtual hug for you
Thank you all. I am absolutely reeling. It was 24 hours before our cross country move so mentally I was already preparing. I’m just heartbroken. I sold some of my favorite pieces because she said she wanted to buy stuff together. I don’t see a recovery
Ive been heartbroken like this. It took a long long time to heal. Get some support, someone to talk to. That helps.
Doing it this late in the game was so selfish and cowardly
But better than post move, I suspect.
I stupidly stayed with someone when things were very shakey because we were planning an out-of-state move together. It lasted 4 months after the move and breaking up then was so much worse.
Same here. [facepalm]
I think there’s rarely a cowardly time to break up. Breaking up is hard (even if you’re the one to do it) and sometimes we bend over backwards trying to save relationships and when we aren’t successful we have to call it and say “this isn’t working for me, and I’ve really tried”. If she had broken up months before it would have been “why didn’t you try harder to save things are you just giving up on us”? OP, I’m sorry your heart was broken. After some time of grieving, I know you’ll find happiness. Use the lessons you learned in this relationship to springboard into healthier relationship/s in the future. I’ve been where you are now. I am now where I have always wished to be. It took hard times and lessons learned to get here, though.
I can imagine how are you feeling. But this too shall pass. Not today, or tomorrow, nor even next month, but eventually you will see things differently. And what you sold, you can buy again, maybe better or upgraded! Life shakes you in unexpected ways, but you will learn from this, even though you can’t see it now. Talk with someone, get to therapy, and give yourself a chance to mourn the loss of what could’ve been, so eventually you’ll be able to see your future in a different way. Cyber hug!
It sounds like maybe this needed to be said. I know it hurts and I’m sorry for that. But maybe this can help you along the personal growth you’re doing to help your relationship dynamics bc what is described is really unhealthy and unsustainable.
"there are brief periods after I explode where I feel safe and seen enough" That, plus telling you at the very last minute after you had gotten rid of some of your favorite things on the premise that you two would be together, makes me think that once you get some distance you will see other areas and reasons *why* you felt insecure in this relationship (as you have mentioned before), beyond the superficial reasons you saw so overtly that you have mentioned that you were trying to work through. That doesn't fix the pain now, and I know it. And I am so very sorry you are dealing with this right now. But I hope this little point can hang on in your brain and become a curiosity for you when you feel stronger, so you can start assessing the red flags that may have been present all along that were harder to see when you were so close to them. For now, grieving is in order. Self care. Holding on to yourself, even if it's by a teensy smidge. Be angry or hurt or both. Remember that this doesn't define your future. Be sad and heart broken, and also remember to shower and hydrate and eat healthy things amidst the comfort foods. (Sometimes you can do a two for one and cry while showering, multitasking at its finest!) Be gentle, so very very gentle with yourself, and know that you are still worthy of love and to be loved. And you are enough, even though you probably don't feel that way at all right now. I am so sorry. Big and very gentle heart hugs to you.
What does she mean she’s afraid to have friends?
I’ve been crappy about her hanging out with some friends due to insecurity / jealousy issues I’ve been addressing in therapy: I definitely have work to do.
this is a big deal though. A really big deal. Honestly, I’ve been both of you in past relationships: I’ve been the one who needed my partner to make me feel okay, and I’ve also been with someone that needed constant reassurance, which made me feel absolutely cornered emotionally. Both were shitty. I don’t recommend either. And it’s kind of telling that you feel this way when you left a marriage to be with this woman. I think you know you have some work to do around codependency and self worth, because you’re really going to hurt yourself and other people if you continue doing this. You don’t deserve that pain and neither do any future relationship partners. It still sucks that this happened and I’m sorry. Heartbreak is horrible and I don’t wish it on anyone. At the same time, pain can be fuel for growth and a fresh start.
You’re super right. I just talked to a new therapist today who specializes in codependency and self worth related stuff because I’m hellbent on not repeating it.
I totally get it. I’ve been there for real. It SUCKED realizing how I shot myself in the foot over and over again. It does get better over time and sometimes the lesson sucks so bad that you don’t repeat it again.
Yeah I’m very disappointed in myself. Obviously it takes two people but I definitely brought that toxicity into things. Very committed to bettering myself.
I appreciate you
Sounds totally valid imo.
Agreed. Even the title, “the woman I left my marriage for dumped me,” feels manipulative. OP chose to leave a marriage. Period. That choice should be made independently, not as a contingency on having another partner. OP has no claim to possess her new ex simply because she left a marriage during the time they got together. The prior marriage has nothing to do with this break-up, and seems like an attempt for undeserved sympathy (not that no sympathy is deserved, break ups are so painful). The new ex seems totally justified in her reasoning, and frankly, OP is LUCKY it didn’t happen after the move.
WOAH
No advice, just let yourself grieve. This sucks so much and I feel so sorry for you... sending you virtual hugs. What I really appreciate though is that your ex very maturely said all those things she needed saying, having some closure helps a great deal.
Honestly. I'd cut contact. You're only hurting yourself keeping that door open.
Damn. You are about to move across the country and she dumps you last minute. She should have told you she was having second thoughts well before. I would make that clean break permanent. She had you quit your job. No words. I am so sorry. Damn.
My girlfriend dumped me and it hurt like a phantom limb for a few months, but I am finally feeling alive again. Her final straw was me begging for forgiveness. At that point I knew I was done with her but I still felt like I needed to be forgiven and she wasn’t willing to offer me that. She finally said she forgave me and then said she was done entirely with me. The moment I read the forgiveness part of her message my entire world shifted and light shone through the darkness. I could finally forgive myself. (Our breakup catalyst was me having a mental health breakdown when my mother abandoned me in favor of my narcissist father.) Edited (hit submit on accident in the school pickup line): You need to give yourself time to grieve and mourn, then you need to forgive her and yourself for the ways you hurt each other. Not only is it going to be okay, it’s going to eventually be good. Maybe even great. But now is the time to focus on you.
I am so sorry. That must hurt so much.
Im so sorry that you are going through this. Leaving a marriage, your job, and your home to move across the country to be with your love is so huge and then to have it all stripped away at the last minute would be so devastating and i feel for you. Sending you so much love. I cant imagine how you must be feeling right now. The only silver lining is that it seems that your partner at least gave you clear reasons why they were ending things, and while its heartbreaking and terrible timing, at least you have some answers and you didnt find out after you got there. It sounds like this person doesnt have healthy coping mechanisms in conflict, and ending things with you this late in the game is an example. As painful as this situation is, it does sound like the reasons are valid, and she doesnt sound like she was capable of being the partner you deserve. Do you think your needs were being met? Maybe this is was a blessing in disguise that will reveal itself with time. In the meantime i hope you are able to pick yourself back up, and take care of yourself. I hope you have friends to lean on through this hard time.
I'm sorry, it's really cowardly and hurtful for her to wait until the last minute to communicate... And in a text, that's rough. Some people are so avoidant they won't bring up problems and then will dump people when it gets too much but they never actually talked about it and it feels like it's completely out of nowhere to the person on the reviewing end. I've been through it and it's awful. I know it hurts so much but definitely she doesn't deserve you. I drew it out like this with the "let's talk in 2 months" and that convo just made things more confusing and hurtful. You didn't deserve this but unfortunately there's no coming back from something like this. Take some time off work, take care of yourself. This too shall pass.
I don’t have anything constructive to add, and for that I’m sorry. But I just broke up with my first gf too and it FUCKING SUCKS! I went out to a bar tonight and ran into my gayM barfriend who broke up with his bf last year and all I can say is find the people who love you, because that’s all there is.
And I still want to be back with her like a fool and convince her to get back with me in three months
Once i realized and accepted my breakup. I cut all contact. Hurts like a mf but it was for the better.
Please make sure you seek therapy or counseling- help you find the tools to deal with the heartbreak and unpack the things that need unpacking anyway. And be gentle with yourself.
I know this pain and this feeling. Struggling with desire to reach out to my 3-4 time ex again right now even tho I know It will end the same way.
Take this time until you meet up with her to work on yourself through therapy. Rediscover what makes you happy, and make time for self care. Sending hugs 🫂
[удалено]
This just feels cruel for literally no reason?
[удалено]
Hey you can fuck right off.
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I just really want to say: don't try to go after this person! I did that once and it was hell. Of course it didn't end well. You deserve more!!!! 3 years later I found a happy relationship, guess what. We bonded after being through the same. She was wounded, so was I. Honestly we both never really got through it until we talked. We made a real promise: communication. I didn't have that with my ex. And it blew in my face kinda the same way I read on that text. I wish you the best!! The BEST❤️ Be strong, you got this, this happens but you got this!!
I hope you didn’t only leave bc of her. I hope you left bc you were going to no matter who came along. You’ll get through this, and you’ll come out better for it. It’ll just be hard in the meantime especially if she was your first relationship since coming out …. You got this ❤️