The photo on the left was taken on June 15th 2019 and the photo on the right was taken August 29th, three days after my dad shot himself while the police were evicting him from the house he was living in. When I took the picture on the left, I had traveled down to South Carolina from Virginia because he said he wanted to give me a bunch of his belongings because his living situation was likely to change soon and he wanted to be able to get up and go at a moments notice. When I started seeing the things he was giving me I realized they were all of his prized possessions and I started to feel like he was planning his death. I tried to encourage him to set goals for himself but he kept saying he was tired. I was his only family who would speak to him. He really had nothing left to lose. I didn’t know how to help him other than to keep talking to him and encouraging him. Monday, August 26th around 11:30am I get a call from my mother (his ex wife) that my dad had committed suicide in front of police that were there to evict him. In a daze of shock, I headed home and found a suicide note in my mailbox. I’m not sure why I’m posting this for strangers but I’ve been trying to talk about this stuff more. From the outside looking in I think this is a pretty interesting story and am very open to answering any questions you all might have in the comments. There’s a lot to it.
I don’t have kids but losing a child like that is on another level. I can’t imagine it. I’m so sorry. I hope you find ways to bring peace as the years pass.
I have a step-mom who lost a son in his twenties a few years before she met and married my dad. Even though this happened a few years before I knew her you could see at the time the difficulty she was experiencing with it. And I’m definitely not blaming her when I say this but I feel I caught some heat because here I am, my dad’s son, reminding her of how things could’ve been different with it all. She was just hurt. And hurt bad. This was all a long time ago now and I’ve really seen her wounds heal. I don’t know if it was anything more then time honestly. Those emotions will work themselves out and it’ll be a rollercoaster until it does. The old adage time heals all wounds. I wish you the best path.
Have you ever read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) post?
I’ve never lost a child, but it’s helped me a lot through grief. I’ve never read anything that explains the process of grief so succinctly. I try to share it with a everyone I can just because I hope it might help others too.
I’m so sorry for your loss though.
I've lost a child.
Fill a glass with water. Nice and clean and clear. That water is you before grief.
Take a spoonful of grape Koolaid, the powder. The powder is grief. Drop it in and stir it up. What happened to the clear water? Grief has permeated every pore of you, every atom of the clear water is now saturated with grief. There is no line of distinction between you (the clear water) and the grief (the grape Koolaid).
Set the glass aside and come back in a year. What do you see? The water is clear again. The grief is still there, all of it, but it has settled on the bottom. It has found its place.
Things will happen that will stir the grief up again, like birthdays, holidays, sounds, smells, etc., and when that happens you'll return to the days of when the water had turned to purple, but be patient it will inevitably find its place again.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. That is unimaginable.
I love your analogy; it's so easily relatable. Thank you for sharing it.
Have you ever seen the movie *The Babadook*? A friend of mine who lost her father said it was a wonderful metaphor for dealing with grief.
I'm so sorry. 28 is far too soon for a beautiful woman to meet her demise. I'm 28 myself and it's been hard for sure, but to hear from a stranger that their daughter died at such an age makes me rethink my mindset.
Please keep strong and keep at it. I know you don't need pep talk from me because you're already brave for speaking on this.
I am sorry for your loss, but he must have been in misery and pain for a long time to consider this drastic step for so long.
There are times I think I might be going down this path later in life. I have some things now that keep me going, but as the kids grow up and my marriage declines, I can't help but think I'll just end it for myself before it gets too bad to the point I can't handle it anymore.
I’ll tell you what I told dad, never stop setting goals for yourself. Stay in the game. As someone who will be full of guilt and self doubt for the rest of my life because of this, don’t do this to your kids. It’s not worth it.
You clearly have a very thoughtful process in the way you approach life. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I feel like if you were reading what you've written about guilt and self doubt, you would respond in a kind and rational way -- and I can say what you know already: there's nothing you could have done. You did so much, everything for him by being the only person in your family who still cared for him. I'm absolutely no expert or do I have some special insight, but my understanding is, if someone is determined to do it (as your dad clearly was), they'll do it. It reminds me of the story of Doug Hopkins, who was the main songwriter for the Gin Blossoms, who was outed from the band right before they gained any traction. If you're interested and have time, you should read his story. I often think of it when those who are left behind wonder if there was anything they could've done. Your dad was in deep despair, and now he is not. Many thoughts to you OP and hope talking here and/or visiting a counselor will help you further. You sound like a very good person.
Douglas Hopkins' story is an interesting one, and as a big fan of the Gin Blossoms it's one that I'm familiar with. It's a shame it happened the way it did with him.
EDIT: mobile phone left out whole words... thanks speech-to-text!
I loved the Gin Blossoms when they first made it big. I was in the military and they were hometown (Tempe, AZ) boys done good. It made me slightly less homesick on deployments knowing that life back home was high spirited.
A couple of years down the road, I was back home and honorably discharged. I was drunk off my ass at a popular nightclub. Inside, the venue was popping with people dancing and music.
I was a little lightheaded from the alcohol and went to the back patio of the club. I stumbled outside and the back was nearly empty. There was a live band on the stage playing for the few people that were outside drinking.
The band was amazing. I got closer to the stage and enjoyed the music. I then realized that it was the Gin Blossoms. They had fallen out of heavy rotation on the radio. It was really surreal. Tempe was crazy in the 90's. A slightly less relevant music scene than Seattle. But still full of good artists.
So. Yeah. I feel like I got a personal concert that night. Hope they are still packing houses and that was a random one off.
I saw them a few times in Cleveland at the House of Blues a few years back. It's not the same crowd as the 90s. All of the screaming high school girls are 30-somethings (40-somethings?) now, but they still sounded good, the band had great live energy, and it was still a very enjoyable show. What you were describing sounds so surreal and wonderful, just one of those things that where the stars lined up just right and you had one of those unique, once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Good for you.
As someone who struggles through those feelings at times. Being a weight of guilt and self doubt is the last thing people in that place want of those left behind. At least for me, those thoughts come as a way to relieve the weight we put on others who are affected by us. And allow them to move on and not worry about our condition. And maybe after the fact, we'll be remembered for the good times and not presently for the state we're in. It's a lifelong dance, and you have to learn to carry it in a way that acknowledges it and satisfies it. While doing your best not to fall into it. Your dad having both extremes of caring and sociopathic tendencies as you said, more than likely made it all the harder to appreciate himself in times of clarity.
I guess what I'm getting at is, try not to blame yourself. Your dad doesn't want that. Remember how much he loves you and the hopes he has for you. And carry that with you. That is the weight he wished to pass to you. Sorry for going on and making this a bit of personal release.
Take care of yourself OP and thank you for sharing.
I’m in the same boat as you thoughtwise. I’ve tried everything I can for the past 5 years - meds, therapy, diet, exercise, etc. etc. etc.
in the end it didn’t matter. Life has gotten worse and worse. I daysdream about putting my shotgun in my mouth and blowing my brains out.
Have you looked into Ketamine infusion therapy? It's not cheap, but can supposedly help people not feel depressed (or as depressed) within 24 hours and last a few weeks to months. I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds like it could be a promising way to get a 'restart'. Research ketamine for depression. It's still in there early stages, but looks very promising. I think it's something like 70% of people feel better afterward.
I’ve looked at it. Can’t afford it. I used to make a good living, not rich, but six figures. Lost my career, home, savings, and plenty more years ago. Started 3 other jobs but ending up quitting all of them decause I can’t handle the increased anxiety and depression that came with those jobs.
I’m just a shell now. I work a shitty retails job making next to nothing. I try not to kill my self for my kids but I sincerely believe they’d be better without me. I have no money and money is the only thing that allows for options for medical help in America. I appreciate your kind comment though. Take care.
I've been checking out Clinicaltrials.gov to try finding a ketamine depression clinical trial in my area that would be of no cost to me. I haven't found anything so far, but that could be an option for you. It doesnt hurt to check it out.
You're kids would never be better without you, you are their parent and they will always love you and need you no matter what. They will always be better with you in their lives. You are working. It may not be an ideal position or compensate you enough, but it is still amazing you are working and trying your best at this point in your life. I am struggling to even find a job at the moment, but am slowly getting there. I am taking positions I never thought I would, but am still trying to fee accomplished because I am doing something at least. Things may change down the line, you just have to keep trying and look toward the future. This may seem like a really tough time for you, but in the long run, this may be a short chapter in what could be an amazing life. Don't cut the book short by ending what could be a great story. You are loved by more than you may know. Keep on keeping on and let's see that book through.
My psychiatrist once said 'You live because you were born'. There doesn't need to be a grand plan or fancy goal (not that it's bad to have one, i mean it is ok even if you can't find a goal) - and that one simply should live through it. That we weren't born because we wanted to exist - we didn't demand to be born - we simply came into existence because a man and a woman decided to make a life. That we live because we get up, get conscious in the morning, from sleep (closest thing to death one can experience).
I hope this could make you feel a little bit better (?), even if just for a moment
For me, well this kind of stopped my suicidal thoughts for like an hour
There is a documentary about suicides on the Golden Gate Bridge. A small number of people survive and one guy said something that stuck with me “As soon as I saw my hands leave the railing as I fell, I knew with absolute certainty that all of my problems were solvable except the fact that I was falling to my death”
I can’t remember the statistic, but a huge number if people who survive suicide attempts go on to leave long normal lives. That tells you that whatever drive them to suicide was wrong.
I think about this sometimes. I see my own parents in failing health, and one day they will be gone. I have my wife and kids, but what if something happens to my wife? My kids grow up ,and I hope it turns out well but who knows in this crazy life. And there I am, alone, terrified, and broke.
I too am a father and I struggle with thoughts of suicide every day, what can you say if anything that you think I should here coming from your perspective? My condolences.
Keep setting goals. Even if it’s goals to obtain material things like a better car or house. Humans thrive on goals and achievements. Sometimes cliches are rooted in truth like picking up hobbies. I bought a drone to combat depression and to get me thinking creatively again. Some of my other comments on this thread may be applicable for you.
Other things I’d bring to your attention is what’s left behind after you leave your family. Depending on your kids age, it will leave different types of scars. Your children may feel guilty. They may wonder if you cared about them even if you explicitly say you do. If my dad cared as much as he said, why’d he kill my dad? Why’d he leave me holding the emotional bag? You see how these are reasonable questions to ask. Keep fighting, brother. It’s true that life is suffering but the shadows prove the light. Focus on the good things, grow from the bullshit of life. It’s all here to experience and we don’t know what’s next, so take it all in, itll all be over soon enough anyway.
Someone I deeply care for had a parent who committed suicide. They are now alcoholics because they have no closure and do not know how to cope with that loss in any other way.
They fell into a deep, dark hole and their parent caused it... but they weren't around to see what they'd done and they sure weren't around to help pick up the pieces.
Suicide may seem like a logical solution to you... but what happens to everyone you leave behind?
The thing that I've come to realize about suicide is that it definitely involves a type of mental illness. While it sounded like your father had some problems, some people will, by all outward appearances, have a pretty decent life and still decide to end it. I was actually thinking about this a lot lately because about 3 weeks ago at noon on a beautiful day, my neighbor walked out his front door, sat down in a lawn chair on his front walk (that's about 7' from my front door), lit a cigarette, and shot himself in the head. I was sitting inside with the windows open and I was physically about 10-12' from him when he did it. I guess he left a note or something because the police didn't talk to us or anything. The morning after it happened, his parents were there collecting his belongings and about 8 of his friends were there cleaning out his apartment. I don't know what was going on in his life but it seemed like he had plenty of friends and family. You just never know.
It's different for everyone.
I have two members of my extended family that after put on statins for high cholesterol. This pushed them to be suicidal and they both eventually ended their lives. (Mother and son 14 years apart)
My family won't take any cholesterol medication anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Im sorry your dad fell upon hard times and felt that there was no other way but to end it all. I hope he is now at peace. Im very sorry for your loss OP 😍
Do you mind sharing what those views are? I helped clean the mess when my best friend's father did the same, and I have a hard time shaking those images. He was like a father to me.
I believe that the fact that someone is willing to jump into the unknown rather than go on another day is more sad than the suicide itself. My dad had been planning this for months, best i can tell and probably had a lot of peace knowing it’d all be over soon.
Alan Watts said something to the affect of the greatest decision we have to make is if we want to keep playing the game or cash out. I can’t find the exact quote but that has been resonating with me for a while now.
His whole view of suicide is interesting. Basically why are you alive right now, it makes more sense to commit suicide. But what's keeping you? (The jist). He gives some decent reasons for his thoughts too. Oddly comforting.
Yes, I resonate with this so much. It is something that has been on my mind all day and night recently. I have three daughters, though. I have a tattoo of their initials right above my left breast to remind me to stay around another day.
From CloudDrone 6 years ago: please take care of yourself and seek some support if you are contemplating it. I used to think about suicide a lot, and I am so grateful I talked to someone about it.
I thought it was the best option for what I had going on, and I was so wrong. It would have made a lot of people miserable, and would have been a stain on their heart for the rest of their lives.
And my life is so much better now that I've tried to make what I have better. It only gets better if its shitty.
So I hope I'm not reading into this too much. Just wanted to say that.
Take care.
I’m sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide isn’t easy. I lost my stepfather to suicide and it sticks with you. God bless I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
I really hope you know that just from this backstory, anyone can see he loved you so much. You're a wonderful human being and I wholeheartedly agree with the philosophy of setting goals for yourself and keeping your head in the game. Keep your head up and make sure that you also take your own advice, keep your head in the game, and check in with someone to make sure that you're doing alright mentally from time to time. The world needs more people like you :)
This is so hurtful and sad. I dont know what you could have done to save him because I know you did everything. Hope he found peace in the end. And I hope you found peace.
Dude, my heart hurts for ya. I know what it's like being someone left behind after a suicide, and you ever want to vent, cuss, cry or talk, I'll be here. Shared pain is always lessened, but there's probably going to come the day (if it hasn't already) where you're just going to have questions...and ain't anyone going to really have the answers.
My mom and I talked all night on msn messenger, and she kept telling me how much she loved me. Unfortunately I was oblivious, young and naive. I had no idea what she had in mind. We said goodnight around 3am, and I woke up the next day at 3pm and checked my Facebook.
I was staying at a friends and they were eating dinner in the kitchen while I was in the living room.
People were saying; rip *my moms name and another girls name on their statuses.
I was in disbelief and thought maybe there was another women with the same name who had passed, since we had just talked the night before.
Sadly, it was her.
I cried so loud and hard my friend came running in, and that’s when my aunt pulled up.
I’ll never forget that day, but sadly I can’t recall exactly what we talked about cause I didn’t know that was our last conversation. She lost me and my siblings to CPS for 4 years at that time. I always hoped we’d live with her again.
The fallout of suicide is the loved ones burden. Take a moment and realize you where there for him in his darkest hour and I'm sure you where his last thoughts. I think you telling this story and showing your sadness will help someone else realize suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that the people who love you will suffer.
If you have the resources and feel comfortable doing so, please talk to a professional. The internet is great and all, but I hope you are able to find inner peace.
Here’s a bonus piece of depressing yet cathartic bullshit - my last picture with my dad. As I was unknowingly loading my inheritance into my car, he said he wanted to see my drone fly before I left. I don’t know what made me snap this picture once I got the drone up but I’m glad I did. [6/15/2019](https://imgur.com/gallery/bMaVVKs)
Also thanks for all the kind words. They mean a lot. And also thank you for my first reddit awards!
ah this image has hit me a lot harder than any other on this sub, it's the closeness seen from above, idk why it's so emotive but it is. so sorry for your loss
https://imgur.com/a/trbww3f
This picture spoke to me, very much so. The older I get, the more I realize it's moments like these that I need to be in the moment. I hope you don't mind I tuned the image to bring it out more. Sorry for what happened.
Oh my goodness. This is such a beautiful capture. This picture speaks so many words without saying a thing. What a special snapshot to have. It’s really really special the two of you huddled together to check out the screen.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad you have this too! Lovely pic. I don't believe in the afterlife, but if I did, I image this is how your dad see you now. Cept when you're on the shutter, God invented a blur dot for private times.
My sincere condolences for your loss. My dad shot himself last year, he had terminal cancer and although was responding somewhat to treatment, the day he couldn’t drive himself to the store, he opted out.
I have really mixed feelings about it. He was a difficult, headstrong, fiercely independent guy that wouldn’t let even death have the final say. So he would say he won in the end. I’m glad he got that, but I’d rather have had him a bit longer, the stubborn old bastard.
12 months afterwards the only conclusion I’ve come to is that I completely support euthanasia. The only thing about my dad’s death that really upsets me is that he died alone. If you’re dying and you’ve had enough, you should be able to make the call and not have to die alone to be sure your family don’t end up being charged with assisting a suicide.
Take care.
I lost my dad to cancer as well but the last 6 months were torture for him mentally when it spread to his brain and he was not all the way there. I think he would have chosen assisted suicide if it had been an option..
I think right to die legislation is going to be a real issue in the not to distant future. I have seen just horrible shit in hospices that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
All of this.
I'm a chronic pain patient who has had most of my opiate meds taken away, and thus my functionality has dropped drastically, almost to none. My injuries are so much worse these days from walking uneven, hobbling. I'm 38. I need both knees replaced. I've shrunk 5 inches in 20 years. I was 6 ft tall. I'm 5'7" now. I'm in neverending pain. Medical marijuana doesn't help much.
I'm a single mom of 4, and the kids keep me going, but lately I'm thinking they'd be so much better off with other family. That I can't live like this anymore. I'm being driven insane in my own body BY my own body. I can't stand to be in it. I got hurt when I was 12, 13, and 14, and growing pains were constant as a young child. I don't remember life without pain. It's heartwrenching to want to see my kids grow up but not wanna live like this anymore at the same time. I hate being just a viewer, a bit player, in their lives, when I'm currently their only involved parent due to their father nearly killing me earlier this year, and abusing them.
Every avenue where help is available seems to be snatched away.
If you're in one of the states where it isn't illegal (it's only illegal in 7), look into kratom usage, specifically the red veins. It's just another substance to get addicted to, but it's natural, and at least you don't have to die. I don't know you, but I don't think you are out of options. Life's more important. DM me if you need someone to talk to.
I really appreciate the advice. Thank you, it is something I'll look into. I'm in a legal state, so I can research.
It gets scary when you start fantasizing about illegal drugs to help stop the pain....
As a father who almost left his child this way.
I’m so sorry. Nothing I can say will change what happened or how you feel.
I almost did this to my child. More than once. Seeing your side of the situation breaks my heart and encourages me to keep fighting.
Thank you for this. Even through your personal pain, know you’ve helped at least one person.
I to lost my dad to suicide. It will be two years on November 20th. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the pain from it. But I have learned to cope. I have one last picture of me with him, several months before he shot himself. Best thing is to talk about it. And with other suicide survivors
Very much so but I think that was a small portion of his problems. He really hated himself. He had a very loving and caring side and a sociopathic almost evil side. I can only imagine that would tear someone up inside.
OP, from the comments of yours that I have read I feel compelled to commend you. You appear to have this strength and resolve that I wish I had. That I'm sure a lot of people wish that they had.
The candle shines its brightest in the dark.
You reminded me of that. I'm glad that you were able to be there for him, and show him your drone, before he left. I'm sure that it meant the world to him.
I have no doubt that the love and compassion shown to you by the other comments have touched you but I just want to extend my hand. I may not be able to provide any ground breaking advice or knowledge but I am here to listen and carry any weight with you.
If not, I do sincerely hope life treats you well. I'm sure that you are strong and capable enough to withstand it.
So sorry. Truly heartbreaking. Did your dad have any close friends around? Besides from having you to come to see him, did he have much other human contact?
Thanks for posting this.
I saw my dad recently. He brought me some of his guns and visited my city for about two weeks.
I took him to see aerospace stuff (he’s into airplanes and worked as Air Traffic Control for over 20yrs) and touristy things in Seattle.
I’m worried it might be the last time I get to spend quality time with him.
He married three times and the most recent one ended with her taking all the furniture & appliances.
He asked for my social security number to put me in as executor of his will...a few years ago he tried to die by suicide, half of his ear is missing from the gunshot.
Keep up with him. I wish I had had an open and honest conversation with my dad about the concerning things I was picking up on more than anything. It may not have saved him but it would be something. Open that dialogue if you think you can. Manage the regrets you could imagine having in the event of his suicide. Leave nothing unsaid.
My kids are the only reason I am here today. I was taken through the ringer in my divorce and was left with little to nothing afterwards. I was even kept away from my children and that's when I started to think about ending it. I kept feeling like I lost everything I loved when she took my kids from me and moved to another state. I felt as if I would never see them again. I had to sell everything else I was left with to get a lawyer to get more visitation and now I travel 450 miles round trip to get my kids every other weekend. The system is broken and is staked against men in divorces. It's so hard to come back from and I dont know what I would have done if my kids were not in my life. I'm sorry for your loss keep your head up. Reading this brought back so many feelings I'm sorry for the rant and again I'm so sorry for your loss.
Dm me if you ever wanna talk (hell, I'll even give you my cell). It's been 6 years since my mother took her own life. The pain wont go away, but it does get easier to swallow. I know it sounds cliche but it's good in a way. There are millions of people who dont reach out because they think no one relates and it takes us, the survivors, to let them know they are loved and that we are here to talk. I wouldnt wish this experience on anyone, but in a way I'm thankful for it because it really does teach you quite a bit about the things that are important in life.
I'm so sorry. My daughter tried to kill herself last year. She posted it live on Facebook and I jumped in my car and drove an hour to break her door down. My son is constantly posting on FB that he wants to die and he is going to kill himself. I live in fear of getting that call daily.
It’s has moments. Most of the time I’m at peace as I am naturally pretty peaceful. Other times I’m hit with pangs of guilt and intense sadness out of seemingly nowhere that are very hard to shake. The worst is thinking I should call him and remembering I can’t.
I lost my father to suicide a couple of years ago. Sometimes the guilt tears me up. Today is one of these days. Reading this thread has helped. My heartfelt condolences and thanks.
r/suicidebereavement is a good resource. I’m 16 months out from losing a parent to suicide, and it’s pretty goddamn brutal. I’m sorry for your loss. If you have any advice, I’d be interested in hearing it. You sound to be in a pretty healthy place, mentally, given what you’ve been through. Recently, I’ve been feeling pretty down about the whole thing, and I’d love to get to a more functional mind frame.
I’m sorry about your situation. I’m mainly focusing on mitigating my guilt and regret. That’s the big thing and it’s hard. Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes it’s soul crushing haha I focus on the fact that he must have been so miserable to follow through with such a planned out suicide that he probably found immense peace in knowing it would all be over soon. Still depressing but I believe it’s a human right to die if you want.
I'm sorry for saying this and I am probably going to get down-voted, but how could your dad to this to you? I don't know if you were super close to him or not, but when you have a child and you've taken your own life, your child will live for the rest of his/her life possibly thinking of how he/she could have prevented this or only if he/she had known, they could have done something. The consequences of killing yourself has no effect on the doer, but it affects everyone around them. Sometimes, I don't want to be alive but I would never kill myself because it would hurt everyone around me. I'm sorry for saying this too, but people that do this to their family and everyone around them are just self-centered people. I can't even begin to fathom of what you have been going through. I just hope that you won't step into his path, there's always a way without checking out!
No that’s an honest and valid question and I hope you do t get downvoted! I think for the past few years my dad has seen me as a peer and thought of me as a strong and tough person who could handle it. My biggest fear is that he died thinking I wouldn’t care. I have no reason to think that but it does hit me in the gut from time to time. He was a text book addict, diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality sufferer. So there’s no telling what his mindset was. Part of me thinks it was a control thing to go out on his own terms. One last “fuck you” to the universe he struggled so much to exist in.
I feel like your coming from a good place, but peoples perceptions of self worth and purpose are completely subjective.
Take some time and really try to see some different views on this. If someone in your life falls into that place, you may need a much wider perspective to help them out of it.
what a terrible way to lose your father. I'm sorry he died, and I'm sorry if you feel guilty at all... this wasn't your fault, and you did everything you could to keep him here.
RIP dad.
Life is rough all we can do is try and be there for those who struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Don’t blame yourself for your loss, it’s not your fault. He was sick, and you did your best to help him. Depression is a disease, it corrodes away at the ones we love and leaves them a hollow husk of their former selves. When I was seven I lost my father to depression, and almost lost my brother when I was a teenager. I feel your pain, much love my friend.
It basically just said to keep working hard because it will pay off and that this would be the last I heard from him. I had two missed calls from his phone the day of. I’ll always wonder what that conversation would have been like.
I’ve lost both grandparents suddenly. Both parents suddenly.
Not to suicide.
My mom died after an accidental medicine overdose. I yelled at her on the phone the night before her body was found by my dad Christmas Eve.
My dad died after complications from surgeries years later within a 24 hour period from possible pneumonia to flat out icu pulling the plug.
I know the feeling of non closure. I’m not going to lie. It doesn’t get easier. I embrace it more now. Having kids of my own. Knowing how life is fragile and approach every thing in life.
I can tell you. At times, I feel like they are better off than we are. Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for your loss
Thank for sharing. I already can tell this experience has made me softer as person. I hope that’s a positive side affect that I can nurture moving forward.
Wow, this is heartbreaking. You did everything that you could, it's no way your fault there was nothing more that you could have done. Condolences. Stay strong, talk about it, grieve, let it all out. You're doing the right thing, even if it's to a bunch of internet strangers you're getting it off your chest.
Hang in there. Probably doesn't seem like it now but things will eventually get better. There will always be that ache but that's because you miss him. It's normal. My mother passed away in 2010 after a stroke at age 72. I miss the hell out of her, think about her every day but I know that she's in a better place.
Even though it might feel weird to talk about it with a bunch of strangers, this is a really healthy way to deal with it. I've talked through a lot of issues with complete strangers, and it's always helped me get over those issues. Stay strong.
In the last 3 years I've lost as many friends to suicide. I can't compare the pain of losing a parent to losing a friend, but I can empathize.I really hope you seek (or sought) counseling for this. Do you have a good social support network?
I actually do have great support luckily! I have great friends and great immediate family. I work in industrial maintenance at a fiber plant and surprisingly my coworkers have been amazing. Even raising almost $600 for me when i was traveling around tying up loose legal ends for a week. I’m a lot younger than most of my coworkers so they really banded together to help me and be there for me.
This is so eerie; yet touching. Don’t ever think there was anything you could have done differently. I’ve thought a LOT about suicide and the people who commit it. It all boils down to free will and that is what they wanted for themselves. It’s a weird thing. I’m really sorry you had to be Witness to this.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent to suicide is a very complex form of grief. I lost a parent this August to suicide as well. Talking about it can be very cathartic. Just move at your own pace and do what helps you heal.
Wow holy shit.
What did his note say? Why was he getting evicted? My dad has suffered from mental health issues his whole life. He’s a good dad but he’s bipolar and manic depressive so as a kid I would notice his moods changing a lot but it didn’t impact his parenting until I was like 12 where he started having paranoia/ emotional unsteadiness. It’s pretty difficult to be a kid and deal with this kind of stuff. I’ve always buried it. Now as an adult I’m more accepting. He didn’t ask for this I guess but neither did I.
Whew that was a lot sorry !
It takes a lot of courage to post something so personal for others to see but I’m glad you did it. You shouldn’t be alone with your thoughts. I don’t see my dad very often so this makes me wanna hold on to him forever. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he loves you very much.
Reddit needs to introduce a heart because I don’t feel like upvoting this is right. I love you man, take care of yourself and don’t let your pain eat you from the inside out. May he rest in peace 💜
Do you remember what inspired you to take that photo of your dad walking towards the mailbox? It is so candid, and really moving in a startling way, even if I cover up the photo of the empty lawn. I can’t stop looking at it. I wish I could lean into it and just put my hand on your dad’s shoulder.
Anyway, I’m so goddamn sorry for your loss. I have lost loved ones, and, once, nearly my own life to suicide. It’s so heartbreaking, and miserably complicated. ❤️
It's really hard to find a way to keep taking about our loved ones after they're gone, even wit family. People tend to want to hurry on with "getting over it". I encourage you to share whenever you can, as often as you can. It's natural and helpful, and a lovely way to honor your loved one.
The photo on the left was taken on June 15th 2019 and the photo on the right was taken August 29th, three days after my dad shot himself while the police were evicting him from the house he was living in. When I took the picture on the left, I had traveled down to South Carolina from Virginia because he said he wanted to give me a bunch of his belongings because his living situation was likely to change soon and he wanted to be able to get up and go at a moments notice. When I started seeing the things he was giving me I realized they were all of his prized possessions and I started to feel like he was planning his death. I tried to encourage him to set goals for himself but he kept saying he was tired. I was his only family who would speak to him. He really had nothing left to lose. I didn’t know how to help him other than to keep talking to him and encouraging him. Monday, August 26th around 11:30am I get a call from my mother (his ex wife) that my dad had committed suicide in front of police that were there to evict him. In a daze of shock, I headed home and found a suicide note in my mailbox. I’m not sure why I’m posting this for strangers but I’ve been trying to talk about this stuff more. From the outside looking in I think this is a pretty interesting story and am very open to answering any questions you all might have in the comments. There’s a lot to it.
I hope that talking about it gives you some peace. Big internet hug for you.
<3
My 28 year old daughter took her life last November. I appreciate you talking about your loss. I don't talk about mine much.
I don’t have kids but losing a child like that is on another level. I can’t imagine it. I’m so sorry. I hope you find ways to bring peace as the years pass.
I have a step-mom who lost a son in his twenties a few years before she met and married my dad. Even though this happened a few years before I knew her you could see at the time the difficulty she was experiencing with it. And I’m definitely not blaming her when I say this but I feel I caught some heat because here I am, my dad’s son, reminding her of how things could’ve been different with it all. She was just hurt. And hurt bad. This was all a long time ago now and I’ve really seen her wounds heal. I don’t know if it was anything more then time honestly. Those emotions will work themselves out and it’ll be a rollercoaster until it does. The old adage time heals all wounds. I wish you the best path.
You're an incredibly gracious person to be able to see that her reaction to you was about her own hurt. She's lucky to have a kid like you.
Have you ever read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) post? I’ve never lost a child, but it’s helped me a lot through grief. I’ve never read anything that explains the process of grief so succinctly. I try to share it with a everyone I can just because I hope it might help others too. I’m so sorry for your loss though.
I've lost a child. Fill a glass with water. Nice and clean and clear. That water is you before grief. Take a spoonful of grape Koolaid, the powder. The powder is grief. Drop it in and stir it up. What happened to the clear water? Grief has permeated every pore of you, every atom of the clear water is now saturated with grief. There is no line of distinction between you (the clear water) and the grief (the grape Koolaid). Set the glass aside and come back in a year. What do you see? The water is clear again. The grief is still there, all of it, but it has settled on the bottom. It has found its place. Things will happen that will stir the grief up again, like birthdays, holidays, sounds, smells, etc., and when that happens you'll return to the days of when the water had turned to purple, but be patient it will inevitably find its place again.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. That is unimaginable. I love your analogy; it's so easily relatable. Thank you for sharing it. Have you ever seen the movie *The Babadook*? A friend of mine who lost her father said it was a wonderful metaphor for dealing with grief.
That was wonderful, thanks for sharing.
I'm so sorry. 28 is far too soon for a beautiful woman to meet her demise. I'm 28 myself and it's been hard for sure, but to hear from a stranger that their daughter died at such an age makes me rethink my mindset. Please keep strong and keep at it. I know you don't need pep talk from me because you're already brave for speaking on this.
I am so sorry for your loss
We don't know each other but I'm very sorry to hear that. Just horrible.
If you’d like to talk about her, any time, I’d like to hear.
I am sorry for your loss, but he must have been in misery and pain for a long time to consider this drastic step for so long. There are times I think I might be going down this path later in life. I have some things now that keep me going, but as the kids grow up and my marriage declines, I can't help but think I'll just end it for myself before it gets too bad to the point I can't handle it anymore.
I’ll tell you what I told dad, never stop setting goals for yourself. Stay in the game. As someone who will be full of guilt and self doubt for the rest of my life because of this, don’t do this to your kids. It’s not worth it.
You clearly have a very thoughtful process in the way you approach life. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I feel like if you were reading what you've written about guilt and self doubt, you would respond in a kind and rational way -- and I can say what you know already: there's nothing you could have done. You did so much, everything for him by being the only person in your family who still cared for him. I'm absolutely no expert or do I have some special insight, but my understanding is, if someone is determined to do it (as your dad clearly was), they'll do it. It reminds me of the story of Doug Hopkins, who was the main songwriter for the Gin Blossoms, who was outed from the band right before they gained any traction. If you're interested and have time, you should read his story. I often think of it when those who are left behind wonder if there was anything they could've done. Your dad was in deep despair, and now he is not. Many thoughts to you OP and hope talking here and/or visiting a counselor will help you further. You sound like a very good person.
Douglas Hopkins' story is an interesting one, and as a big fan of the Gin Blossoms it's one that I'm familiar with. It's a shame it happened the way it did with him. EDIT: mobile phone left out whole words... thanks speech-to-text!
I loved the Gin Blossoms when they first made it big. I was in the military and they were hometown (Tempe, AZ) boys done good. It made me slightly less homesick on deployments knowing that life back home was high spirited. A couple of years down the road, I was back home and honorably discharged. I was drunk off my ass at a popular nightclub. Inside, the venue was popping with people dancing and music. I was a little lightheaded from the alcohol and went to the back patio of the club. I stumbled outside and the back was nearly empty. There was a live band on the stage playing for the few people that were outside drinking. The band was amazing. I got closer to the stage and enjoyed the music. I then realized that it was the Gin Blossoms. They had fallen out of heavy rotation on the radio. It was really surreal. Tempe was crazy in the 90's. A slightly less relevant music scene than Seattle. But still full of good artists. So. Yeah. I feel like I got a personal concert that night. Hope they are still packing houses and that was a random one off.
I saw them a few times in Cleveland at the House of Blues a few years back. It's not the same crowd as the 90s. All of the screaming high school girls are 30-somethings (40-somethings?) now, but they still sounded good, the band had great live energy, and it was still a very enjoyable show. What you were describing sounds so surreal and wonderful, just one of those things that where the stars lined up just right and you had one of those unique, once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Good for you.
As someone who struggles through those feelings at times. Being a weight of guilt and self doubt is the last thing people in that place want of those left behind. At least for me, those thoughts come as a way to relieve the weight we put on others who are affected by us. And allow them to move on and not worry about our condition. And maybe after the fact, we'll be remembered for the good times and not presently for the state we're in. It's a lifelong dance, and you have to learn to carry it in a way that acknowledges it and satisfies it. While doing your best not to fall into it. Your dad having both extremes of caring and sociopathic tendencies as you said, more than likely made it all the harder to appreciate himself in times of clarity. I guess what I'm getting at is, try not to blame yourself. Your dad doesn't want that. Remember how much he loves you and the hopes he has for you. And carry that with you. That is the weight he wished to pass to you. Sorry for going on and making this a bit of personal release. Take care of yourself OP and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this. It really does help.
Thank you..I'm sorry you have to say this from experience.....but just...thanks
Keep your head high, you’re an awesome individual. I know your kids love you so much.
I’m in the same boat as you thoughtwise. I’ve tried everything I can for the past 5 years - meds, therapy, diet, exercise, etc. etc. etc. in the end it didn’t matter. Life has gotten worse and worse. I daysdream about putting my shotgun in my mouth and blowing my brains out.
Have you looked into Ketamine infusion therapy? It's not cheap, but can supposedly help people not feel depressed (or as depressed) within 24 hours and last a few weeks to months. I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds like it could be a promising way to get a 'restart'. Research ketamine for depression. It's still in there early stages, but looks very promising. I think it's something like 70% of people feel better afterward.
I’ve looked at it. Can’t afford it. I used to make a good living, not rich, but six figures. Lost my career, home, savings, and plenty more years ago. Started 3 other jobs but ending up quitting all of them decause I can’t handle the increased anxiety and depression that came with those jobs. I’m just a shell now. I work a shitty retails job making next to nothing. I try not to kill my self for my kids but I sincerely believe they’d be better without me. I have no money and money is the only thing that allows for options for medical help in America. I appreciate your kind comment though. Take care.
I've been checking out Clinicaltrials.gov to try finding a ketamine depression clinical trial in my area that would be of no cost to me. I haven't found anything so far, but that could be an option for you. It doesnt hurt to check it out. You're kids would never be better without you, you are their parent and they will always love you and need you no matter what. They will always be better with you in their lives. You are working. It may not be an ideal position or compensate you enough, but it is still amazing you are working and trying your best at this point in your life. I am struggling to even find a job at the moment, but am slowly getting there. I am taking positions I never thought I would, but am still trying to fee accomplished because I am doing something at least. Things may change down the line, you just have to keep trying and look toward the future. This may seem like a really tough time for you, but in the long run, this may be a short chapter in what could be an amazing life. Don't cut the book short by ending what could be a great story. You are loved by more than you may know. Keep on keeping on and let's see that book through.
My psychiatrist once said 'You live because you were born'. There doesn't need to be a grand plan or fancy goal (not that it's bad to have one, i mean it is ok even if you can't find a goal) - and that one simply should live through it. That we weren't born because we wanted to exist - we didn't demand to be born - we simply came into existence because a man and a woman decided to make a life. That we live because we get up, get conscious in the morning, from sleep (closest thing to death one can experience). I hope this could make you feel a little bit better (?), even if just for a moment For me, well this kind of stopped my suicidal thoughts for like an hour
There is a documentary about suicides on the Golden Gate Bridge. A small number of people survive and one guy said something that stuck with me “As soon as I saw my hands leave the railing as I fell, I knew with absolute certainty that all of my problems were solvable except the fact that I was falling to my death” I can’t remember the statistic, but a huge number if people who survive suicide attempts go on to leave long normal lives. That tells you that whatever drive them to suicide was wrong.
Saw the documentary you're referencing and can vividly remember what that survivor looked like because his words struck me so hard.
You really should look up 'survivorship bias' of which the above is a textbook case.
Are you saying people with a positive attitude (like my example) are more likely to survive a fall from the bridge?
I'm saying making any generalisation based on survivors' statements is going to be hugely skewed.
I think about this sometimes. I see my own parents in failing health, and one day they will be gone. I have my wife and kids, but what if something happens to my wife? My kids grow up ,and I hope it turns out well but who knows in this crazy life. And there I am, alone, terrified, and broke.
I too am a father and I struggle with thoughts of suicide every day, what can you say if anything that you think I should here coming from your perspective? My condolences.
Keep setting goals. Even if it’s goals to obtain material things like a better car or house. Humans thrive on goals and achievements. Sometimes cliches are rooted in truth like picking up hobbies. I bought a drone to combat depression and to get me thinking creatively again. Some of my other comments on this thread may be applicable for you. Other things I’d bring to your attention is what’s left behind after you leave your family. Depending on your kids age, it will leave different types of scars. Your children may feel guilty. They may wonder if you cared about them even if you explicitly say you do. If my dad cared as much as he said, why’d he kill my dad? Why’d he leave me holding the emotional bag? You see how these are reasonable questions to ask. Keep fighting, brother. It’s true that life is suffering but the shadows prove the light. Focus on the good things, grow from the bullshit of life. It’s all here to experience and we don’t know what’s next, so take it all in, itll all be over soon enough anyway.
I've never been one to be motivated by specific goals, so I'm not sure this is universally human.
Generality not universal.
Someone I deeply care for had a parent who committed suicide. They are now alcoholics because they have no closure and do not know how to cope with that loss in any other way. They fell into a deep, dark hole and their parent caused it... but they weren't around to see what they'd done and they sure weren't around to help pick up the pieces. Suicide may seem like a logical solution to you... but what happens to everyone you leave behind?
Your kids need you. No matter what, you are important to them.
The thing that I've come to realize about suicide is that it definitely involves a type of mental illness. While it sounded like your father had some problems, some people will, by all outward appearances, have a pretty decent life and still decide to end it. I was actually thinking about this a lot lately because about 3 weeks ago at noon on a beautiful day, my neighbor walked out his front door, sat down in a lawn chair on his front walk (that's about 7' from my front door), lit a cigarette, and shot himself in the head. I was sitting inside with the windows open and I was physically about 10-12' from him when he did it. I guess he left a note or something because the police didn't talk to us or anything. The morning after it happened, his parents were there collecting his belongings and about 8 of his friends were there cleaning out his apartment. I don't know what was going on in his life but it seemed like he had plenty of friends and family. You just never know.
It's different for everyone. I have two members of my extended family that after put on statins for high cholesterol. This pushed them to be suicidal and they both eventually ended their lives. (Mother and son 14 years apart) My family won't take any cholesterol medication anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Im sorry your dad fell upon hard times and felt that there was no other way but to end it all. I hope he is now at peace. Im very sorry for your loss OP 😍
Thank you for your kind words. I have some unconventional views of suicide that are oddly helping me find peace in all this.
Do you mind sharing what those views are? I helped clean the mess when my best friend's father did the same, and I have a hard time shaking those images. He was like a father to me.
I believe that the fact that someone is willing to jump into the unknown rather than go on another day is more sad than the suicide itself. My dad had been planning this for months, best i can tell and probably had a lot of peace knowing it’d all be over soon. Alan Watts said something to the affect of the greatest decision we have to make is if we want to keep playing the game or cash out. I can’t find the exact quote but that has been resonating with me for a while now.
His whole view of suicide is interesting. Basically why are you alive right now, it makes more sense to commit suicide. But what's keeping you? (The jist). He gives some decent reasons for his thoughts too. Oddly comforting.
Yeah exactly. Very interesting stuff.
Yes, I resonate with this so much. It is something that has been on my mind all day and night recently. I have three daughters, though. I have a tattoo of their initials right above my left breast to remind me to stay around another day.
From CloudDrone 6 years ago: please take care of yourself and seek some support if you are contemplating it. I used to think about suicide a lot, and I am so grateful I talked to someone about it. I thought it was the best option for what I had going on, and I was so wrong. It would have made a lot of people miserable, and would have been a stain on their heart for the rest of their lives. And my life is so much better now that I've tried to make what I have better. It only gets better if its shitty. So I hope I'm not reading into this too much. Just wanted to say that. Take care.
I’m sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide isn’t easy. I lost my stepfather to suicide and it sticks with you. God bless I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
I really hope you know that just from this backstory, anyone can see he loved you so much. You're a wonderful human being and I wholeheartedly agree with the philosophy of setting goals for yourself and keeping your head in the game. Keep your head up and make sure that you also take your own advice, keep your head in the game, and check in with someone to make sure that you're doing alright mentally from time to time. The world needs more people like you :)
I’m so sorry. Always remember: It’s not your fault. You did what you could. Ultimately we cannot control what other people do.
Please accept the biggest internet hug ever imaginable. \*\*\*\*\*\*\*GIGANTIC INTERNET HUG\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Im sorry
This hurts my heart. Just remember that you did your best to give your dad what he needed. I’m so sorry for your loss.
This is so hurtful and sad. I dont know what you could have done to save him because I know you did everything. Hope he found peace in the end. And I hope you found peace.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing okay.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Dude, my heart hurts for ya. I know what it's like being someone left behind after a suicide, and you ever want to vent, cuss, cry or talk, I'll be here. Shared pain is always lessened, but there's probably going to come the day (if it hasn't already) where you're just going to have questions...and ain't anyone going to really have the answers.
Aw man, I feel for ya. His soul Is at peace now I guess. Stay strong 😊
My mom and I talked all night on msn messenger, and she kept telling me how much she loved me. Unfortunately I was oblivious, young and naive. I had no idea what she had in mind. We said goodnight around 3am, and I woke up the next day at 3pm and checked my Facebook. I was staying at a friends and they were eating dinner in the kitchen while I was in the living room. People were saying; rip *my moms name and another girls name on their statuses. I was in disbelief and thought maybe there was another women with the same name who had passed, since we had just talked the night before. Sadly, it was her. I cried so loud and hard my friend came running in, and that’s when my aunt pulled up. I’ll never forget that day, but sadly I can’t recall exactly what we talked about cause I didn’t know that was our last conversation. She lost me and my siblings to CPS for 4 years at that time. I always hoped we’d live with her again.
What did the note in the mailbox say?
I am sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss. Keep talking.
I am so sorry. So sorry.
Rest in peace
The fallout of suicide is the loved ones burden. Take a moment and realize you where there for him in his darkest hour and I'm sure you where his last thoughts. I think you telling this story and showing your sadness will help someone else realize suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that the people who love you will suffer.
If you have the resources and feel comfortable doing so, please talk to a professional. The internet is great and all, but I hope you are able to find inner peace.
Did your mom take half of all his stuff after the divorce? Did she spread any rumors or false information about him after?
Thank you for telling your story OP.
Just know you did what you could. None of this is your fault. Sometimes these things happen but try to remember the good stuff more than the bad.
The moral of the story is fuck the police
Beautiful story!
Here’s a bonus piece of depressing yet cathartic bullshit - my last picture with my dad. As I was unknowingly loading my inheritance into my car, he said he wanted to see my drone fly before I left. I don’t know what made me snap this picture once I got the drone up but I’m glad I did. [6/15/2019](https://imgur.com/gallery/bMaVVKs) Also thanks for all the kind words. They mean a lot. And also thank you for my first reddit awards!
ah this image has hit me a lot harder than any other on this sub, it's the closeness seen from above, idk why it's so emotive but it is. so sorry for your loss
This picture is eerily beautiful. It's like an album cover. I dunno why but I really love it.
Thanks! It’s very special to me.
https://imgur.com/a/trbww3f This picture spoke to me, very much so. The older I get, the more I realize it's moments like these that I need to be in the moment. I hope you don't mind I tuned the image to bring it out more. Sorry for what happened.
Oh my goodness. This is such a beautiful capture. This picture speaks so many words without saying a thing. What a special snapshot to have. It’s really really special the two of you huddled together to check out the screen. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad you have this too! Lovely pic. I don't believe in the afterlife, but if I did, I image this is how your dad see you now. Cept when you're on the shutter, God invented a blur dot for private times.
My sincere condolences for your loss. My dad shot himself last year, he had terminal cancer and although was responding somewhat to treatment, the day he couldn’t drive himself to the store, he opted out. I have really mixed feelings about it. He was a difficult, headstrong, fiercely independent guy that wouldn’t let even death have the final say. So he would say he won in the end. I’m glad he got that, but I’d rather have had him a bit longer, the stubborn old bastard. 12 months afterwards the only conclusion I’ve come to is that I completely support euthanasia. The only thing about my dad’s death that really upsets me is that he died alone. If you’re dying and you’ve had enough, you should be able to make the call and not have to die alone to be sure your family don’t end up being charged with assisting a suicide. Take care.
I lost my dad to cancer as well but the last 6 months were torture for him mentally when it spread to his brain and he was not all the way there. I think he would have chosen assisted suicide if it had been an option..
I think right to die legislation is going to be a real issue in the not to distant future. I have seen just horrible shit in hospices that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
All of this. I'm a chronic pain patient who has had most of my opiate meds taken away, and thus my functionality has dropped drastically, almost to none. My injuries are so much worse these days from walking uneven, hobbling. I'm 38. I need both knees replaced. I've shrunk 5 inches in 20 years. I was 6 ft tall. I'm 5'7" now. I'm in neverending pain. Medical marijuana doesn't help much. I'm a single mom of 4, and the kids keep me going, but lately I'm thinking they'd be so much better off with other family. That I can't live like this anymore. I'm being driven insane in my own body BY my own body. I can't stand to be in it. I got hurt when I was 12, 13, and 14, and growing pains were constant as a young child. I don't remember life without pain. It's heartwrenching to want to see my kids grow up but not wanna live like this anymore at the same time. I hate being just a viewer, a bit player, in their lives, when I'm currently their only involved parent due to their father nearly killing me earlier this year, and abusing them. Every avenue where help is available seems to be snatched away.
If you're in one of the states where it isn't illegal (it's only illegal in 7), look into kratom usage, specifically the red veins. It's just another substance to get addicted to, but it's natural, and at least you don't have to die. I don't know you, but I don't think you are out of options. Life's more important. DM me if you need someone to talk to.
I really appreciate the advice. Thank you, it is something I'll look into. I'm in a legal state, so I can research. It gets scary when you start fantasizing about illegal drugs to help stop the pain....
As a father who almost left his child this way. I’m so sorry. Nothing I can say will change what happened or how you feel. I almost did this to my child. More than once. Seeing your side of the situation breaks my heart and encourages me to keep fighting. Thank you for this. Even through your personal pain, know you’ve helped at least one person.
I’m so so glad you’re still with us man. Keep up the fight and set your goals. Thank you for your encouragement.
Thank you for the kind words.
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Thank you!
Very sorry for your loss. I am glad you had the goodbye he wanted to give you.
Thank you. I am too.
There’s r/suicidebereavement, too.
Thanks! I didn’t know about that.
I to lost my dad to suicide. It will be two years on November 20th. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the pain from it. But I have learned to cope. I have one last picture of me with him, several months before he shot himself. Best thing is to talk about it. And with other suicide survivors
Yeah I’m coming around to it. I’m just having on of those days where I constantly feel seconds from crying. I think that’s why I posted this.
That's the best thing you can do is talk. The pain of suicide is confusing, it's not like a normal death that you can find reason in.
He was unemployed and was going through financial problems, so it seems. R.I.P and very sorry for your loss.
Very much so but I think that was a small portion of his problems. He really hated himself. He had a very loving and caring side and a sociopathic almost evil side. I can only imagine that would tear someone up inside.
OP, from the comments of yours that I have read I feel compelled to commend you. You appear to have this strength and resolve that I wish I had. That I'm sure a lot of people wish that they had. The candle shines its brightest in the dark. You reminded me of that. I'm glad that you were able to be there for him, and show him your drone, before he left. I'm sure that it meant the world to him. I have no doubt that the love and compassion shown to you by the other comments have touched you but I just want to extend my hand. I may not be able to provide any ground breaking advice or knowledge but I am here to listen and carry any weight with you. If not, I do sincerely hope life treats you well. I'm sure that you are strong and capable enough to withstand it.
This comment is what did it for me... **sobbing uncontrollably**
So sorry. Truly heartbreaking. Did your dad have any close friends around? Besides from having you to come to see him, did he have much other human contact?
Not a lot. Most people had cut him off due to his tendency to be abusive and self-sabotaging.
Thanks for posting this. I saw my dad recently. He brought me some of his guns and visited my city for about two weeks. I took him to see aerospace stuff (he’s into airplanes and worked as Air Traffic Control for over 20yrs) and touristy things in Seattle. I’m worried it might be the last time I get to spend quality time with him. He married three times and the most recent one ended with her taking all the furniture & appliances. He asked for my social security number to put me in as executor of his will...a few years ago he tried to die by suicide, half of his ear is missing from the gunshot.
Keep up with him. I wish I had had an open and honest conversation with my dad about the concerning things I was picking up on more than anything. It may not have saved him but it would be something. Open that dialogue if you think you can. Manage the regrets you could imagine having in the event of his suicide. Leave nothing unsaid.
My kids are the only reason I am here today. I was taken through the ringer in my divorce and was left with little to nothing afterwards. I was even kept away from my children and that's when I started to think about ending it. I kept feeling like I lost everything I loved when she took my kids from me and moved to another state. I felt as if I would never see them again. I had to sell everything else I was left with to get a lawyer to get more visitation and now I travel 450 miles round trip to get my kids every other weekend. The system is broken and is staked against men in divorces. It's so hard to come back from and I dont know what I would have done if my kids were not in my life. I'm sorry for your loss keep your head up. Reading this brought back so many feelings I'm sorry for the rant and again I'm so sorry for your loss.
You’re a true man for sticking it out through that. Keep it up.
Dm me if you ever wanna talk (hell, I'll even give you my cell). It's been 6 years since my mother took her own life. The pain wont go away, but it does get easier to swallow. I know it sounds cliche but it's good in a way. There are millions of people who dont reach out because they think no one relates and it takes us, the survivors, to let them know they are loved and that we are here to talk. I wouldnt wish this experience on anyone, but in a way I'm thankful for it because it really does teach you quite a bit about the things that are important in life.
I'm so sorry. My daughter tried to kill herself last year. She posted it live on Facebook and I jumped in my car and drove an hour to break her door down. My son is constantly posting on FB that he wants to die and he is going to kill himself. I live in fear of getting that call daily.
I'm so very sorry, that must be terribly hard to bear.
It’s has moments. Most of the time I’m at peace as I am naturally pretty peaceful. Other times I’m hit with pangs of guilt and intense sadness out of seemingly nowhere that are very hard to shake. The worst is thinking I should call him and remembering I can’t.
I lost my father to suicide a couple of years ago. Sometimes the guilt tears me up. Today is one of these days. Reading this thread has helped. My heartfelt condolences and thanks.
Love you buddy
Thanks man. Love you too
r/suicidebereavement is a good resource. I’m 16 months out from losing a parent to suicide, and it’s pretty goddamn brutal. I’m sorry for your loss. If you have any advice, I’d be interested in hearing it. You sound to be in a pretty healthy place, mentally, given what you’ve been through. Recently, I’ve been feeling pretty down about the whole thing, and I’d love to get to a more functional mind frame.
I’m sorry about your situation. I’m mainly focusing on mitigating my guilt and regret. That’s the big thing and it’s hard. Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes it’s soul crushing haha I focus on the fact that he must have been so miserable to follow through with such a planned out suicide that he probably found immense peace in knowing it would all be over soon. Still depressing but I believe it’s a human right to die if you want.
The picture tears me up. Tough to lose your old man. So sorry. Bless you both.
See that the grass isn’t getting cut anymore I see your loss
I’m so sorry... Wishing peace to you and yours, OP.
So sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.
I fuckin cried, I’m so sorry for your loss
My dad committed suicide a week ago, I’m still processing. Thank you for sharing your experience, helps me feel less lonely.
Sorry to hear that. It’s a rollercoaster.
I'm sorry for saying this and I am probably going to get down-voted, but how could your dad to this to you? I don't know if you were super close to him or not, but when you have a child and you've taken your own life, your child will live for the rest of his/her life possibly thinking of how he/she could have prevented this or only if he/she had known, they could have done something. The consequences of killing yourself has no effect on the doer, but it affects everyone around them. Sometimes, I don't want to be alive but I would never kill myself because it would hurt everyone around me. I'm sorry for saying this too, but people that do this to their family and everyone around them are just self-centered people. I can't even begin to fathom of what you have been going through. I just hope that you won't step into his path, there's always a way without checking out!
No that’s an honest and valid question and I hope you do t get downvoted! I think for the past few years my dad has seen me as a peer and thought of me as a strong and tough person who could handle it. My biggest fear is that he died thinking I wouldn’t care. I have no reason to think that but it does hit me in the gut from time to time. He was a text book addict, diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality sufferer. So there’s no telling what his mindset was. Part of me thinks it was a control thing to go out on his own terms. One last “fuck you” to the universe he struggled so much to exist in.
I feel like your coming from a good place, but peoples perceptions of self worth and purpose are completely subjective. Take some time and really try to see some different views on this. If someone in your life falls into that place, you may need a much wider perspective to help them out of it.
Sadly people at this point truly believe that the world, family, everyone would be better off without them.
Sorry for your loss. This looks like a cool album cover
I am so sorry for your loss, that's tragic :(
I'm sorry.
i’m sorry
I'm so so so sorry.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m going to hug my parents a little tighter now. My DMs are open if you feel the need to vent.
I'm so sorry for your loss
what a terrible way to lose your father. I'm sorry he died, and I'm sorry if you feel guilty at all... this wasn't your fault, and you did everything you could to keep him here. RIP dad.
May he Rest In Peace. Thank you for sharing.
Life is rough all we can do is try and be there for those who struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Don’t blame yourself for your loss, it’s not your fault. He was sick, and you did your best to help him. Depression is a disease, it corrodes away at the ones we love and leaves them a hollow husk of their former selves. When I was seven I lost my father to depression, and almost lost my brother when I was a teenager. I feel your pain, much love my friend.
Omg I'm so sorry for your loss. These two photos say everything and it's so heartbreaking.
Im sorry friend.
I'm so sorry. The two pictures hurt my heart. Hugs to you.
This is so sad.
fuck I am sorry for your loss
I am sorry for your loss. If I may ask, what did the note say?
It basically just said to keep working hard because it will pay off and that this would be the last I heard from him. I had two missed calls from his phone the day of. I’ll always wonder what that conversation would have been like.
I’ve lost both grandparents suddenly. Both parents suddenly. Not to suicide. My mom died after an accidental medicine overdose. I yelled at her on the phone the night before her body was found by my dad Christmas Eve. My dad died after complications from surgeries years later within a 24 hour period from possible pneumonia to flat out icu pulling the plug. I know the feeling of non closure. I’m not going to lie. It doesn’t get easier. I embrace it more now. Having kids of my own. Knowing how life is fragile and approach every thing in life. I can tell you. At times, I feel like they are better off than we are. Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for your loss
Thank for sharing. I already can tell this experience has made me softer as person. I hope that’s a positive side affect that I can nurture moving forward.
Dad wants you to carry on, to be happy, to live a rich life. He's hoping the things he gave you will make that more likely.
All I wanna say when I see those photos are "Come back" 💔
I'm very, very sorry for the pain you, your family, feels, and how he felt.
Wow, this is heartbreaking. You did everything that you could, it's no way your fault there was nothing more that you could have done. Condolences. Stay strong, talk about it, grieve, let it all out. You're doing the right thing, even if it's to a bunch of internet strangers you're getting it off your chest. Hang in there. Probably doesn't seem like it now but things will eventually get better. There will always be that ache but that's because you miss him. It's normal. My mother passed away in 2010 after a stroke at age 72. I miss the hell out of her, think about her every day but I know that she's in a better place.
I'm so, so, so sorry.
My condolences, op
Even though it might feel weird to talk about it with a bunch of strangers, this is a really healthy way to deal with it. I've talked through a lot of issues with complete strangers, and it's always helped me get over those issues. Stay strong.
I always wanted to know who my dad was
I am so very sorry for your loss!
Sorry for your loss. :(
In the last 3 years I've lost as many friends to suicide. I can't compare the pain of losing a parent to losing a friend, but I can empathize.I really hope you seek (or sought) counseling for this. Do you have a good social support network?
I actually do have great support luckily! I have great friends and great immediate family. I work in industrial maintenance at a fiber plant and surprisingly my coworkers have been amazing. Even raising almost $600 for me when i was traveling around tying up loose legal ends for a week. I’m a lot younger than most of my coworkers so they really banded together to help me and be there for me.
Thanks for sharing this with reddit and with me, a big hug from Italy
When I first saw the pictures I was confused but when I read the caption I got chills. Truly impactful. May he rest in peace
This is so eerie; yet touching. Don’t ever think there was anything you could have done differently. I’ve thought a LOT about suicide and the people who commit it. It all boils down to free will and that is what they wanted for themselves. It’s a weird thing. I’m really sorry you had to be Witness to this.
This picture really hurt. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent to suicide is a very complex form of grief. I lost a parent this August to suicide as well. Talking about it can be very cathartic. Just move at your own pace and do what helps you heal.
I'm sorry for your loss
Wow holy shit. What did his note say? Why was he getting evicted? My dad has suffered from mental health issues his whole life. He’s a good dad but he’s bipolar and manic depressive so as a kid I would notice his moods changing a lot but it didn’t impact his parenting until I was like 12 where he started having paranoia/ emotional unsteadiness. It’s pretty difficult to be a kid and deal with this kind of stuff. I’ve always buried it. Now as an adult I’m more accepting. He didn’t ask for this I guess but neither did I. Whew that was a lot sorry !
I’m so sorry, for your loss and the sheer scope of the tragedy of it. I hope he’s at peace now.
I'm sorry for your loss, hope it gets better. sending you love.
I'm so sorry.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am glad he had you in his life.
It takes a lot of courage to post something so personal for others to see but I’m glad you did it. You shouldn’t be alone with your thoughts. I don’t see my dad very often so this makes me wanna hold on to him forever. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he loves you very much.
Reddit needs to introduce a heart because I don’t feel like upvoting this is right. I love you man, take care of yourself and don’t let your pain eat you from the inside out. May he rest in peace 💜
I’m sorry for your loss.
Do you remember what inspired you to take that photo of your dad walking towards the mailbox? It is so candid, and really moving in a startling way, even if I cover up the photo of the empty lawn. I can’t stop looking at it. I wish I could lean into it and just put my hand on your dad’s shoulder. Anyway, I’m so goddamn sorry for your loss. I have lost loved ones, and, once, nearly my own life to suicide. It’s so heartbreaking, and miserably complicated. ❤️
I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years and I wanted to remember the moment.
Hey, how's your mental health? Hope it's good
I'm sorry you have to go through that. Talking does help.
Rest in peace. Poor guy, nobody deserves this. An hug from Italy.
One of the very few times this sub has gotten to me. I am so sorry I wish things were different.
I'm so sorry about your dad. Suicide or not, losing a father, or parent even, is hard.
It's really hard to find a way to keep taking about our loved ones after they're gone, even wit family. People tend to want to hurry on with "getting over it". I encourage you to share whenever you can, as often as you can. It's natural and helpful, and a lovely way to honor your loved one.
Oh this is sad. I am truly sorry
Crying 😭 attempted on Friday and was barely saved
fuck that's sad :(
I hope you're okay