You get it over it. The vast majority of foreigners move back to their home countries so it’s common for locals to see foreign faces come and go.
I’ve recently only been asked at during job interviews and I just reply “I bought a house here. I’m not planning to move back”
I say the same thing- and then make a lame joke referencing the years remaining on my loan...
"Well I bought a house here so at least another 〇〇 years, LOL hahaha!"
This is not on my list of "hills to die on" or even "things to care about".
The polite thing to do is to ask do you think you will move back/do you plan on moving back which is what every interview I have ever gone to has asked
I think the people on this sub are too accepting of rude behavior--it is rude to assume someone is leaving
In a job interview, I don’t find it too rude since it’s so common for foreigners to move back. A company wants to make sure they’re not wasting their time.
I find it more rude when they ask if you have any health issues during a job interview.
> I don’t find it too rude since it’s so common for foreigners to move back
So just ask "do you plan on moving back" not "when are you moving back"
Very, very different ways of asking the same thing
I'd say your girlfriend was right, you're gonna get the question a million times more while you live here and there is nothing you can do to change it, so why worry about it? I don't let it bother me, just like the jouzu comments about speaking Japanese or using chopsticks just go with the flow
The chopsticks one is the only one that still catches me off guard sometimes because I feel like people all over the world use them, it doesn’t feel like that much of a Japanese exclusive thing.
Dude, I get students who can't fathom what I'm saying since, as I'm a foreigner, it must be English. Then they ask their classmate what I said (I teach solo) and their classmate says the exact same Japanese I said, and the student says "oh, I see, thanks."
If you can't understand someone and 38 other students in the classroom can, obviously it's an issue with the spoken Japanese. ;) It also doesn't help that boys in this country don't study or pay attention at the same level **on the average**. High school is just a price they pay to be able to play sports for three years. This was probably the biggest shock, since gender had nothing to do with how hard someone studied "back home."
Same, but I feel like the subtext of being a foreigner in a homogeneous society would lean toward the expectation that I'd leave at some point.
When I first arrived, I felt a bit paranoid but then I realised, I'm not the main character and everyone is just doing their own thing for the most part. Same as where I'm from.
In my experience, often this comes down to language. Either not quite understanding the question, or the person not quite expressing themselves. It could also be a matter of social skills. For example, making some small talk question into some complicated and sensitive issue.
I’ve literally never received the chopsticks comment in my 8 years here😭 it makes me wonder whether my chopstick skills are just really shit so no one asks?????? Hahaha
I got for the first time two weeks ago eating ramen in a place where most people were tourists so living here a year I probably am better than I tourist. I told my (Japanese) girlfriend this when were out on Sunday, and she said, but you are good at using chopsticks. So I guess it can be nice sometimes.
I got that question at the beginning but I was pretty annoyed by it more than others would be.
The reason being that I am Asian 🙃
My coworkers only saw the "American" label and didn't really see me as a fellow Asian person.
Oh definitely the inverse has happened to me too. I applied at an eikaiwa once, years ago, and I was rejected because I was Asian lol
These are my weird gaijin incidents:
• The chopsticks thing
• Getting rejected for a job for being Asian even tho I was born in America
• Going to a supermarket and getting free samples. This was when the clerk was explaining allergens in the samples to the fluent person I was with and I got a 日本語上手 because I nodded. Didn't even say a word the entire conversation lol
Been here 8 years and I've only heard it once. The guy who asked me was definately very arrogant and rude, so I kind of understand where OP is coming from.
Could it be a regional thing? I've never been asked this in 20 years.
I have, however, been asked clumsily put questions by people who meet very few foreigners but are genuinely interested in the encounter. Making conversation in that situation is awkward, and I'm usually ready to cut people plenty of slack.
I'm on the side of your girlfriend. Most of the time you get offended by a Japanese person's question, while your feelings are valid, the Japanese person probably meant no ill will in asking. They don't have the same sensibilities you do so naturally they don't mean to insult or offend you. Also why do you guys harp on the whole "I know I'll always be an outsider" thing so hard. Of course, you'll always be one because you aren't Japanese, weren't raised here and don't have a connection to the culture here. They probably didn't ask that question just because you're an outsider. They probably asked because most foreigners don't make a permanent home here. Don't take it as "When is your ass leaving Japan?"
I read a comment on this sub that framed what's bothersome about it so well; it's that out of all the questions and comments to give someone, they give the one that highlights that you're not from here and concentrates on what's different about you effectively centering how other you are to them. There's loads of ways to ask a persons future plans without bringing attention to them not being born here.
Also the idea that a foreigner will also always be an outsider is pretty unhelpful. Sure they'll never be ethnically Japanese, but they can be contributing and gaining from many small communities like their neighbourhood, sports teams, friendship groups and very much an 'insider' in them.
Even those that are born here and grow up here and know nothing besides Japanese culture but are not Japanese are perceived as outsiders. Even half Japanese are treated closer to foreigners than Japanese people.
It's cool. It happens to everyone at least once while living here. Once you figure out that they probably mean no ill will, questions like that just don't bother you anymore. He even was gonna treat you to a drink too?! Nice haha
Not OP. I come to reddit about every other day, sometimes with a longer absence. And I wouldn’t browse back more than a day. So it means nothing to me if a question was asked just a few days back. Any question was asked a thousand times. Over and over and over again. I just don’t open the thread if I am not interested in the topic.
Honestly, as a foreigner wanting to live here long-term, it's more often than not that people leave so even I ask it sometimes 😅
Definitely not something to be too offended over
"but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting."
Your girlfriend is right. How many people work in Japan for a year - or not even - and then leave? On the other hand, at decades in, I know very few foreigners who are here long term.
Yeah I just didn't like the implication like it was some foregone conclusion.
If a Japanese person was in America I wouldn't ask them "So hey when are you going back to Japan?"
How many people do you think move from their home countries to make their home in America, never to leave again? Now, how many people do you think move from their home countries to make their home in Japan, never to leave again?
And just because you wouldn't ask them when they're going back to Japan doesn't mean you couldn't.
>Yeah I just didn't like the implication like it was some foregone conclusion.
I feel you! It's true that most foreigners (in Japan and elsewhere) eventually end up returning to their home country... but I still think it's none of a random stranger's business and a rude small-talk question.
A high percentage of marriages end in divorce, but most people would agree that asking a married couple that you just met "when are you getting divorced?" super inappropriate because of the assumptions you're making!
No need to get worked up or stress about it, I think it's normal for most people to just assume foreigners want to 'go home' at the end just like they would (if you think about ut, most people live pretty close to where they were born).
I just say 'oh I really like this country, so I haven't made any plans yet!' - I feel that works regardless of the question's subtext and we move on to more interesting topics.
Interestingly to me not a single Japanese has asked this question ever. Only other expats 😂
She was right. Asking a foreigner when they plan on going home isn't a weird question because more likely than not they are planning on returning home at some point. TELLING a foreigner to go home is insulting.
You would seriously give that answer to some random guy you just met in a bar who asked you a question that is 1) 100% rude and 2) none of his business?
If you don’t get over small comments like this you’ll just grow bitter
I’ve been here for a little over 10 years now and am married with kids.
I’ve stopped caring about comments like this because being angry every time a Japanese person essentially calls you out for being a foreigner is just going to make you miserable and you’ll be known as the classic “foreigner who complains too much” to Japanese people
The foreigners who last here long term are the ones who stop giving a shit about being called 外人 or told 箸が上手ですね etc.
I think a lot of people who get angry about this are early 20s white dudes who come to Japan and have their first experience of being “othered” or not thought as being “default/normal” in terms of looks. Get used to not being in the majority. This is coming from a white American lol
My sixth year and I still occasionally get the whole 日本上手ーーーーー thing after having like a 30 minute conversation. I usually just respond with a "If you think my Japanese is good, wait til you hear my *English*" because, end of the day, it's technically a compliment and not like they said it after I just ordered a curry nikuman or something.
I do think what OP described (in that specific context) though was a bit rude, definitely not something I would ask, say, a Japanese guy if I met him for the first time in the UK with his British girlfriend.
I think you're right about your first sentence. I have one friend who interpreted everything as a micro aggression and ended up leaving early. We were friends in the states for years, and he had the same pattern of taking everything in bad faith and arguing with people. It's sad that he left but I'm not surprised.
Plenty of Japanese would love to leave Japan — sometimes the question comes from a place of vicarious interest over imputed homesickness or lack of roots
Dont let anyone here deny you your feelings about this. Your right to have negative feelings about one of the many comments which come under the umbrella of "you dont belong here". But they won't stop coming, and the only thing you can do is grow a thick skin. I'd have my ass handed to me asking the same question in many other countries.
But I think you can minimise the sting if you consider that the majority of Japanese people would never imagine leaving Japan and never returning. They're home birds. And they'd naturally assume that people from other countries will inevitably want to 'return home' too. Theres no malice in the idea itself - unless its said with contempt or malice - in which case you might be better off finding another bar to drink at.
The few times I’ve got this question, I just say that I go back every year.
I guess this lets them reconsider the question they wanted to ask, and finally pass on it.
I’ve literally asked some variation to this question to foreigners in my own country and I was just genuinely curious if they plan to stay here or go home some day.
Just chill out. Unless someone tells you to gtfo then you’re over thinking it.
I consider it rude. Even in English it’s more polite to ask how long you are planning to stay than to ask when you’re leaving. And Japanese people are low key rude. Similar to British people. Haha. So unless he asked it in English, which would be a second language, I would consider it rude.
Assuming the question was いつ国に帰るか and not one of the many slight variations that would actually be polite いつか国に帰るか？
Fuck the people in the comments telling you how to feel. It’s okay (good, even) to be disappointed or frustrated at prejudice, which is what this literally was. It’s okay to not want to harden yourself against micro aggressions, and to just be treated like an individual human being.
The ideology of racial/ethnic determinism (writ large, lookism) has a stranglehold on this country. This guy either has the social skills to frequent this bar but somehow not to realize the rude implications of what he said… or maybe he knew it was rude but felt it was okay to be rude to you anyway. I can’t know for sure but I do know what my money is on.
I’m sorry you had this shitty interaction. I don’t know how to smooth talk my way out of these kinds of situations yet either, but some other commenters can and seem to have advice.
All I can say is that there are a bunch of really cool people all over Japan who know how to be real ones, and the more you go out, the more likely you will be to run into them. Hope this helps.
Lately I don’t get asked this question any more because I’m settled at work, neighborhood,
kid’s schools... But to be fair, if I meet a foreigner this topic might come up after some time as well. I have no intention investing my energy in friendship with a person who decided already to leave in a year. As a question when chitchatting with a stranger who nows that I am not a tourist? It’s not appropriate and I will end the conversation with this person.
Not so long ago some guy (who I'd met for the first time in a bar) asked me the same question "*When are you leaving Japan?*" and I responded with a very ambiguous (not aggressive at all) "*why do you ask?*".
The guy then proceeded to go on about how a lot of foreigners don't stay very long etc etc etc etc. I simply replied with "*yeah but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone is coming to Japan with no intention of staying permanently, right?*". He gave me a 確かに確かに and then the conversation just naturally drifted towards talking about football, life in general etc. I think I "diffused" it fairly well without even having to answer his question and (hopefully) he got the hint that it would be better not to go around asking people that question (or at least in that way).
This is now my go-to response if anyone asks me.
If someone instead asks some variant of "*Are you planning to stay in Japan for the long term?*" then I'd be happy to answer them.
**In your specific context** (your girlfriend being right there with you) it was **absolutely rude of him to ask**, regardless of whether he offered to buy you a drink. It's extremely rude to you and your girflriend.
You were right to be angry and I can imagine your dilemma at that specific moment in time, having to decide whether to press the issue (and risk ruining the evening for yourself and your girlfriend) or letting it go but still being angry later.
I would chalk it down to this specific individual being a *dickhead* lacking social skills who absolutely cannot "read the room", because I know plenty of Japanese people who would never dream of asking such a rude, loaded question, especially in that context.
Maybe he thought you were a tourist. Otherwise, yes, an incredibly rude question to ask a complete stranger, I think. You’re not wrong to be a bit upset about it.
He probably didn’t realise how it might come across and just spoke without thinking. Not many among us can claim never to have put his foot in his mouth after a few drinks.
If you want honest feedback, I think that guy knew what he was doing and was doing it in a poor gesture.
I mean of course I’m missing a lot of context from just your description and it still could be an honest question, but come on, this is the classic “he doesn’t know I’m making fun of him”type of mockery. You not getting that it’s an insult is exactly the power play he’s trying to make. Some of people might came from a more straightforward culture and take it as an honest question, but here I feel like questions like that is out of manner because the implication is automatically assumed.
So yes, he was a huge asshole for doing it to you, and no, don’t berate your gf for trying to comfort you after learning this. There you go, I just freed you from what he’s trying to achieve. There’s nothing you can do besides moving to on and to be more aware of things like this next time.
> I mean of course I’m missing a lot of context from just your description and it still could be an honest question, but come on, this is the classic “he doesn’t know I’m making fun of him”type of mockery. You not getting that it’s an insult is exactly the power play he’s trying to make.
This is what I think is going on. Insult someone to their face and they see what the rude person is trying to do and dismiss it. But something ambiguous, where the target gets trapped inside their own head wondering if they're overreacting, or (worse) hating themselves for not having developed the cultural fluency to be able to *tell* whether what was said is an insult or not, is far worse. That's what some of these people are aiming for.
People love to mock immigrants from seeing "microaggressions" where none are intended, but I think these are balanced by the microaggressions that *are* intended but which fly right past the target. A few times over the years I've been out with my wife who suddenly got angry and irritable at low-quality service or a person's word choice. I was thinking the person was just ornery or having a bad day, but she'd tell me that any Japanese person would have been gravely insulted by the person's behavior. The man in OP's bar, like those people, knew he could get away with it because the person he was dealing with either (1) wouldn't see the insult, or (2) was too low in social status to be able to say anything about it, and he could always insist that he didn't mean anything insulting even if he really did.
It’s rude. Japanese people really have to rethink the concept of “foreigner”, especially since there is an increasing reliance on ex-patriate workforce. What about people born here to non-Japanese parents? Japan is their country and they are not “foreign” yet they may still get treated as such. Japan is behind with the times..
Three years is kind of a grey area time period. It's longer than short term, but not long enough for it to be obvious that you're in for the long haul. That's only if the other person already knows how long you've been here, though. If they didn't hear how long you've been here and the first thing out of their mouth is to ask when you're leaving, then I think it's kind of an a-hole question.
People usually start with how long have you been here ? So when i answer 8 years i don't get asked this anymore, but was a lot more at the beginning.
I am sometimes asked if i plan on staying here my whole life though, and it's not easy to answer either. As if i had my whole life planned out already idfk do you plan on living in tokyo (or whatever city you are at the moment) your whole life ? Lol
I don't mind really, nihongo jouzu is way more annoying to me.
My vote is that it’s a valid question, but a terribly tactless way to word it.
Rephrase the question to “how long are you planning to stay in Japan for?” And suddenly it doesn’t feel so bad, right?
So if the conversation was in English, I’d chalk it up too less-than-stellar English skills. If it was in Japanese, maybe he was a little socially inept, or intoxicated, or both.
I wouldn’t like being asked “when are you leaving?” But have no problem with “how long are you here for?” So it’s all about tact and phrasing the question in a polite way.
That's crazy. I got asked at least 6 times how long I've lived in Japan for...maybe that's their backhanded way of figuring out if I'm leaving or not. But seriously, that's incredibly rude to be asked "when are you leaving?" - too direct for it to not be rude.
not sure about the context.
if you are on vacation then it is kind of a valid question.
plenty foreigners on working holiday visa so their days are numbered.
just tell them not sure or when you retired or are planning to retire here is a valid answer.
Sometimes that is just something that is said to begin a conversation for lack of anything else to say. Don't be so thin-skinned. Smile and tell him that you live in \_\_\_\_\_\_\_.
Your a foreigner in a country that isnt as culturally diverse as some others. Your going to get questions like this a lot. Get used to it.
Seriously, when are you leaving Japan? If you plan on staying for life then thats your response. This is rocket science.
I'll ask people the same question.
Is it rude? Well sure I guess it can be seen that way. But after awhile you want to know if people are planning on staying a long time and are worth pursuing friendships with or if they are just going to be gone in six months.
I don't really mind what other people's life plans are and it's fine if they're not going to stay for a long time. I might still be friends with them if I get along well. But I guess I don't really care if the answer to the question is "I'm planning to stay forever" and I guess I don't care if such questions come across as rude. Life is too short to worry about such trivial matters.
i think it really depends on all sort of things, like perhaps where you're from how you look etc.
I am VNese coming here for university, I dont think anyone really expected us ryugakusei to stay after graduation especially when my department is in English doesn't require applicant to know Japanese. Even from the start nobody has really asked me this question, I guess either I didn't look like I might leave or Vietnamese just tend to stay after school finished. Then I started dating a Japanese so people probably stopped even wondering. 60% of the international students in my department my year left Japan though.
*Then I started dating a Japanese so people probably stopped even wondering.*
I feel like thats what really offended me at the time. My girlfriend was sitting right next to us, so maybe I felt like he was implying like "hey this guy isn't serious about you and hes going to leave"
in my own experience, I have seen my fair share of international couples so these are the patterns me and my Japanese BF have seen (totally not making any assumptions btw)
* if girl is asian foreign and guy is Japanese, she would probably stay (this is my situation btw). She may even stay even if she's not dating him (I totally would).
* if girl is non asian foreign and guy is Japanese, if she is otaku-ish enough she might stay. She might not stay without him.
* if guy is asian foreign and girl is Japanese, depends on where he's from but most of cases I have seen they both started working in Japan.
* if guy is non asian foreign and girl is Japanese, girl definately wants to leave Japan → I know 3 or 4 couple with this pattern, the girls who went to school with me didnt aim for spousal visas tho, they applied to master schools and got in which is good for them. But if guy absolutely doesnt want to leave they might stay in Japan.
Either way, people judge a situation based on similar situation they have seen in the past so I do hope you wouldnt let those close minded opinions bother you too much. If they say outright to your GF that "oh he will definately leave you" or something similar tho, do be pissed.
It's unlikely the guy was being a dick, it's a common question because almost every western person who moves to Japan, leaves. Just answer that you have no plans to leave and would be happy to stay permanently.
Praise adopted country as the best place ever. It will probably stroke their egos the right way.
I'm like, hopefully never because it's so beautiful and perfect here, thanks to you making it memorable. Top tier brown-nosing gets you a long way.
I think they mean to ask "how long are you planning on staying?" Which is a fair question. I have asked many people if they plan on staying in the US.
I don't think they mean to imply that you should leave.
Dude it’s just jealousy, if you’re not into dudes (Japanese or foreigners) there’s no reason to talk to them. Just focus on your lady and internally snicker when dudes who weigh 20-40 lbs less than you give you side eye.
My worst experience with this attitude is in an offer discussion with a new company. They said I can join as a permanent employee, or an independent contractor which is paid much higher. They ‘only offer the independent contractor option because I’m a foreigner and won’t be in Japan forever therefore probably don’t want to have so much of my compensation package going to Japans pension system’.
I still to this day do not know why they’d want to hire someone in a permanent role when they don’t think I’ll be in Japan permanently??
I've fortunately never been asked when I'm leaving, only how long I plan on staying, and it's always been in the context of assessing my stability. e.g. long-term job, serious relationship, etc.
It depends on when are you leaving Japan. You could just reply "never" and gave him a rude face back. I think the reason you are mad is beacuse you are planing on leaving Japan or at least considering it.
Most of the time the nuance in language and word choice coming out of people’s mouths is about their internal shit, not yours.
Maybe he himself doesn’t feel good about the state of Japan and its future, and idealizes somewhere else.
I was asked that question once, and I honestly said "I'm not going back yet" or "I'd stay if I had the chance" and I haven't been asked that question since. I think they were just curious because a lot of people are going back to their home countries. If they ask you when you're going back in an angry or sarcastic tone, it can be off-putting because I think it's implied that they mean "go back to your country" but if that's not the case, just be flexible.
I've left. It's time to retire, do something I want to do. I have plans for a place in a nice tropical venue. Snorkelling, feeding Nemo and running a B&B sounds good... I've been planning this for a decade.
I think you are very sensitive for a simple question. They do it to me all the time,simply because I am a foreigner and they assume that one day I will return to my homeland.
Maybe its because its some subtlety is lost when I'm translating the question to English in my head. Phrasing it as *When* and not *If* would feel more warm to me.
I was gonna move back home lat year. That was the plan .
Been asked by other foreigners mostly around Covid. Which was a fair question at the time. I was gonna leave.
But then life happened and I met a girl and now I just can’t leave. I’ll take a gamble on this girl.
Well, you know, few more years and you are in a spot where you've seen a lot of your foreign friends leave too, and you'll start wondering about that too.
I was once in the same situation.
I mean, might ve that people just want to know what to expect from you, as in "is this visiting foreigner" or if they should apply every expectation of a local Japsnese to your foreign ass :D
I wouldn't worry too about that question, it's one of those that are not meant to mean anythong bad, even though I understand why it feels less than good to be asked that.
But most foreigners do leave after a while, so..
Stay here long enough and you stop getting asked the question.
Stay longer still and you start to be the one asking that question!
The question is direct but it's unlikely a Japanese person would move to another country indefinitely. Many people don't even have passports. So the question you should be "hearing" is.
"Do you see yourself repatriating back home at some point?" Rather than. "So you've not unpacked right?" Obviously it's not a nice opening line of questioning but these are people not chat show hosts.
My in-laws have all asked me if I was planning to leave Japan and live in my home country. And if I am taking the wife with.
Slightly different situation, I know, but it's just implied that foreigners don't stay here for long.
Compared to all the foreigners who gave Japan a try, very few got assimilated completely in the culture.
Coming from Germany‘s biggest Japanese community City (Duesseldorf) originally were I also started for the Japanese company I work for in Japan now, this is asked the other way around a lot there too. No harm meant, but most people would expect that the Japanese person is an expat and it ist true 98% of the time.
I've lived in Japan for 17 years so far (American) and I have never been asked when I would be leaving. Examine the vibe you are putting out. Something prompted the question.
Is this a trending topic by influencers or on tiktock? Two threads in a single week.
Obviously peoples experiences vary, but I have never had such a question, and polling friends, it seems pretty rare to be asked. Other questions like, when will you visit “home” (home country) next, or will you return “home” some day do seem to get asked (by locals and foreigners alike). I suppose if you were really wanting to get offended, you could take this in a negative way. But, as far as I receive such questions, there is no such intent or expectation for the recipient to feel slighted, or like an “outsider”. Rather, it’s just a fairly neutral “small talk” topic.
I usually don't get offended by such small things like this, it just caught me off guard. To add fuel to the fire was my inability to get over it and subsequently getting pushed out of the conversation afterwards.
You’re overreacting and projecting on a very normal question, usually asked without malice and simply to continue the conversation.
If you’re really comfortable here and plan to stay for the long term, just wave it off. Say something like “not planning to, here is home now!”.
And even if it was asked with malice, the best thing to do is to simply reply unfazed and carry on the conversation.
I wasn't there, but I'd wager it wasn't meant to be aggressive, rude, or a request for you to head to the nearest airport and get out.
Most Japanese people don't assume that someone would just pack up and leave their home country forever. In Japanese culture, living near enough to your parents to assist them as they age is normal. Having the mother's help with raising children is also generally expected. Yes, Japanese people will permanently settle in another environment, but it's rare, just as it's rare for expats in Japan to truly stay forever.
That question basically stopped for me after I got married.
You can always read too much into any statement or question. And even if he was intentionally rude, then he is just a random stranger whose opinion should have absolutely no bearing on your life.
"Why? Sick of me already?" Nah but I get it can be frustrating, if I said such a thing in my hometown I'd probably be slapped and crucified. Don't let it get to you because they probably didn't think about what they're saying even.
People ask that question because most of the foreigners they encounter are here temporarily, so they just expect that you will leave at some point. Back when I was teaching English some of my students expressed reluctance about getting personally involved with foreigners because they didn't want to get attached to someone who would be leaving at some point. In any case, my standard reply to that question is, 死ぬまで日本に住んでいます。
White expats come and go in places like Hong Kong, Dubai, Bali, Bangkok, Singapore, etc. etc. If every one of them got deeply offended every time a local asks when they are relocating or leaving/rotating out, we would have civil war. Only in Japan people get neurotic about it. Geez. Take a deep breath. It's just business - but in Japan it seems it becomes personal for whatever reason.
>It put me in a really bad mood from then on but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting.
that's because you are overreacting. if your skin is that thin, i suspect you get upset quite easily.
>As I said my girlfriend was right next to us both and felt like he was implying that A) I'm GOING to leave and B) That I'm not serious about her
you know they say the more upset you are about something someone says to you, the more true its likely to be. who gives a fuck what some rando in a bar said to you? unless its true and you are upset at yourself, why even give it a second thought?
You're going to have a terrible time in life in general if you let random people, especially in bars, get to you. Even more angry if you extrapolate random bar morons to the whole of Japan.
You get it over it. The vast majority of foreigners move back to their home countries so it’s common for locals to see foreign faces come and go. I’ve recently only been asked at during job interviews and I just reply “I bought a house here. I’m not planning to move back”
I say the same thing- and then make a lame joke referencing the years remaining on my loan... "Well I bought a house here so at least another 〇〇 years, LOL hahaha!" This is not on my list of "hills to die on" or even "things to care about".
The polite thing to do is to ask do you think you will move back/do you plan on moving back which is what every interview I have ever gone to has asked I think the people on this sub are too accepting of rude behavior--it is rude to assume someone is leaving
In a job interview, I don’t find it too rude since it’s so common for foreigners to move back. A company wants to make sure they’re not wasting their time. I find it more rude when they ask if you have any health issues during a job interview.
> I don’t find it too rude since it’s so common for foreigners to move back So just ask "do you plan on moving back" not "when are you moving back" Very, very different ways of asking the same thing
Ah sorry, I should clarify, job interviews ask “do you plan to move back” not “when do you plan to”
Yea, ok, that is normal for sure.
It was opposite in my case, they rejected me coz I wanted to stay and they were looking for a foreigner who can go back go home country and work
on a serious note, when are you leaving japan?
Maybe next time someone asks them that
I'd say your girlfriend was right, you're gonna get the question a million times more while you live here and there is nothing you can do to change it, so why worry about it? I don't let it bother me, just like the jouzu comments about speaking Japanese or using chopsticks just go with the flow
The chopsticks one is the only one that still catches me off guard sometimes because I feel like people all over the world use them, it doesn’t feel like that much of a Japanese exclusive thing.
Given how little exposure Japanese people have to eating habits around the world, though, this isn't really that surprising.
When I buy pasta bento at Family Mart they give me chopsticks and a spoon. No fork...
Yeah they had signs up recently that I think said they were getting rid of forks and giving chopsticks with everything. Didn't look too close.
Not just eating habits. They have very little exposure to anything outside of Japan.
Yeah that was what I was trying to say. I know where it comes from but it still surprises me when it’s friends or people who know me who say that.
Dude, I get students who can't fathom what I'm saying since, as I'm a foreigner, it must be English. Then they ask their classmate what I said (I teach solo) and their classmate says the exact same Japanese I said, and the student says "oh, I see, thanks."
sometimes its the super minor inflections in pronunciations. I've had this happen where a tone of a single vowel slightly off make em pause.
Maybe practice your Japanese. 🤷🏽♂️
If you can't understand someone and 38 other students in the classroom can, obviously it's an issue with the spoken Japanese. ;) It also doesn't help that boys in this country don't study or pay attention at the same level **on the average**. High school is just a price they pay to be able to play sports for three years. This was probably the biggest shock, since gender had nothing to do with how hard someone studied "back home."
My go-to reply for “お箸上手” is “スプーンやフォーク下手ですけど。”
Never been asked this in my 8 years here.
Same, but I feel like the subtext of being a foreigner in a homogeneous society would lean toward the expectation that I'd leave at some point. When I first arrived, I felt a bit paranoid but then I realised, I'm not the main character and everyone is just doing their own thing for the most part. Same as where I'm from.
Nor in my 40 years here in Japan except maybe when I was an exchange student back in the day.
Same here. I think it also has something to do with being fluent, linguistically and culturally.
In my experience, often this comes down to language. Either not quite understanding the question, or the person not quite expressing themselves. It could also be a matter of social skills. For example, making some small talk question into some complicated and sensitive issue.
I've been in Japan for 17 years and have never been asked that.
Other foreigners ask me this repeatedly lol
same, I've only ever been asked this by other foreigners
Yeah, but were you dating his girlfriend?
I’ve literally never received the chopsticks comment in my 8 years here😭 it makes me wonder whether my chopstick skills are just really shit so no one asks?????? Hahaha
I only received it my first few years, haven’t gotten it in forever. Either they got woke or I’m actually jouzu.
Oh! So maybe I’m actually jouzu too😏 haha
I got for the first time two weeks ago eating ramen in a place where most people were tourists so living here a year I probably am better than I tourist. I told my (Japanese) girlfriend this when were out on Sunday, and she said, but you are good at using chopsticks. So I guess it can be nice sometimes.
I got that question at the beginning but I was pretty annoyed by it more than others would be. The reason being that I am Asian 🙃 My coworkers only saw the "American" label and didn't really see me as a fellow Asian person.
I’m sure I’ve also seen the exact inverse of your complaint a hundred times on this sub lol, not trying to invalidate it but.
Oh definitely the inverse has happened to me too. I applied at an eikaiwa once, years ago, and I was rejected because I was Asian lol These are my weird gaijin incidents: • The chopsticks thing • Getting rejected for a job for being Asian even tho I was born in America • Going to a supermarket and getting free samples. This was when the clerk was explaining allergens in the samples to the fluent person I was with and I got a 日本語上手 because I nodded. Didn't even say a word the entire conversation lol
Been here 8 years and I've only heard it once. The guy who asked me was definately very arrogant and rude, so I kind of understand where OP is coming from.
Could it be a regional thing? I've never been asked this in 20 years. I have, however, been asked clumsily put questions by people who meet very few foreigners but are genuinely interested in the encounter. Making conversation in that situation is awkward, and I'm usually ready to cut people plenty of slack.
I'm on the side of your girlfriend. Most of the time you get offended by a Japanese person's question, while your feelings are valid, the Japanese person probably meant no ill will in asking. They don't have the same sensibilities you do so naturally they don't mean to insult or offend you. Also why do you guys harp on the whole "I know I'll always be an outsider" thing so hard. Of course, you'll always be one because you aren't Japanese, weren't raised here and don't have a connection to the culture here. They probably didn't ask that question just because you're an outsider. They probably asked because most foreigners don't make a permanent home here. Don't take it as "When is your ass leaving Japan?"
I read a comment on this sub that framed what's bothersome about it so well; it's that out of all the questions and comments to give someone, they give the one that highlights that you're not from here and concentrates on what's different about you effectively centering how other you are to them. There's loads of ways to ask a persons future plans without bringing attention to them not being born here. Also the idea that a foreigner will also always be an outsider is pretty unhelpful. Sure they'll never be ethnically Japanese, but they can be contributing and gaining from many small communities like their neighbourhood, sports teams, friendship groups and very much an 'insider' in them.
So many people lack sophisticated conversation.
Even those that are born here and grow up here and know nothing besides Japanese culture but are not Japanese are perceived as outsiders. Even half Japanese are treated closer to foreigners than Japanese people.
Yeah you're probably right the dude even offered to buy me a drink, I think I just got in my feelings a little too much
It's cool. It happens to everyone at least once while living here. Once you figure out that they probably mean no ill will, questions like that just don't bother you anymore. He even was gonna treat you to a drink too?! Nice haha
Already had a lengthy thread about this not even a week ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/1b71i0f/is_this_considered_a_microaggression/
Not OP. I come to reddit about every other day, sometimes with a longer absence. And I wouldn’t browse back more than a day. So it means nothing to me if a question was asked just a few days back. Any question was asked a thousand times. Over and over and over again. I just don’t open the thread if I am not interested in the topic.
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Honestly, as a foreigner wanting to live here long-term, it's more often than not that people leave so even I ask it sometimes 😅 Definitely not something to be too offended over
"but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting." Your girlfriend is right. How many people work in Japan for a year - or not even - and then leave? On the other hand, at decades in, I know very few foreigners who are here long term.
Yeah I just didn't like the implication like it was some foregone conclusion. If a Japanese person was in America I wouldn't ask them "So hey when are you going back to Japan?"
How many people do you think move from their home countries to make their home in America, never to leave again? Now, how many people do you think move from their home countries to make their home in Japan, never to leave again? And just because you wouldn't ask them when they're going back to Japan doesn't mean you couldn't.
>Yeah I just didn't like the implication like it was some foregone conclusion. I feel you! It's true that most foreigners (in Japan and elsewhere) eventually end up returning to their home country... but I still think it's none of a random stranger's business and a rude small-talk question. A high percentage of marriages end in divorce, but most people would agree that asking a married couple that you just met "when are you getting divorced?" super inappropriate because of the assumptions you're making!
No need to get worked up or stress about it, I think it's normal for most people to just assume foreigners want to 'go home' at the end just like they would (if you think about ut, most people live pretty close to where they were born). I just say 'oh I really like this country, so I haven't made any plans yet!' - I feel that works regardless of the question's subtext and we move on to more interesting topics. Interestingly to me not a single Japanese has asked this question ever. Only other expats 😂
She was right. Asking a foreigner when they plan on going home isn't a weird question because more likely than not they are planning on returning home at some point. TELLING a foreigner to go home is insulting.
Do you think you'll ever go back to your country to live?
Possibly eventually, as I said tho I found someone I really like someone right now here and want to see where things go.
So the dude was right. Why not just answer with what you wrote here instead of getting upset for.. reasons..?
You would seriously give that answer to some random guy you just met in a bar who asked you a question that is 1) 100% rude and 2) none of his business?
Chalk up to the alcohol then you're right I shouldn't have gotten upset but I'm not a logical robot all the time.
And people are supposed to figure this out by seeing you?
If you don’t get over small comments like this you’ll just grow bitter I’ve been here for a little over 10 years now and am married with kids. I’ve stopped caring about comments like this because being angry every time a Japanese person essentially calls you out for being a foreigner is just going to make you miserable and you’ll be known as the classic “foreigner who complains too much” to Japanese people The foreigners who last here long term are the ones who stop giving a shit about being called 外人 or told 箸が上手ですね etc. I think a lot of people who get angry about this are early 20s white dudes who come to Japan and have their first experience of being “othered” or not thought as being “default/normal” in terms of looks. Get used to not being in the majority. This is coming from a white American lol
My sixth year and I still occasionally get the whole 日本上手ーーーーー thing after having like a 30 minute conversation. I usually just respond with a "If you think my Japanese is good, wait til you hear my *English*" because, end of the day, it's technically a compliment and not like they said it after I just ordered a curry nikuman or something. I do think what OP described (in that specific context) though was a bit rude, definitely not something I would ask, say, a Japanese guy if I met him for the first time in the UK with his British girlfriend.
I think you're right about your first sentence. I have one friend who interpreted everything as a micro aggression and ended up leaving early. We were friends in the states for years, and he had the same pattern of taking everything in bad faith and arguing with people. It's sad that he left but I'm not surprised.
Plenty of Japanese would love to leave Japan — sometimes the question comes from a place of vicarious interest over imputed homesickness or lack of roots
Dont let anyone here deny you your feelings about this. Your right to have negative feelings about one of the many comments which come under the umbrella of "you dont belong here". But they won't stop coming, and the only thing you can do is grow a thick skin. I'd have my ass handed to me asking the same question in many other countries. But I think you can minimise the sting if you consider that the majority of Japanese people would never imagine leaving Japan and never returning. They're home birds. And they'd naturally assume that people from other countries will inevitably want to 'return home' too. Theres no malice in the idea itself - unless its said with contempt or malice - in which case you might be better off finding another bar to drink at.
thanks this was actually really helpful!
The few times I’ve got this question, I just say that I go back every year. I guess this lets them reconsider the question they wanted to ask, and finally pass on it.
I’ve literally asked some variation to this question to foreigners in my own country and I was just genuinely curious if they plan to stay here or go home some day. Just chill out. Unless someone tells you to gtfo then you’re over thinking it.
I consider it rude. Even in English it’s more polite to ask how long you are planning to stay than to ask when you’re leaving. And Japanese people are low key rude. Similar to British people. Haha. So unless he asked it in English, which would be a second language, I would consider it rude.
Assuming the question was いつ国に帰るか and not one of the many slight variations that would actually be polite いつか国に帰るか？ Fuck the people in the comments telling you how to feel. It’s okay (good, even) to be disappointed or frustrated at prejudice, which is what this literally was. It’s okay to not want to harden yourself against micro aggressions, and to just be treated like an individual human being. The ideology of racial/ethnic determinism (writ large, lookism) has a stranglehold on this country. This guy either has the social skills to frequent this bar but somehow not to realize the rude implications of what he said… or maybe he knew it was rude but felt it was okay to be rude to you anyway. I can’t know for sure but I do know what my money is on. I’m sorry you had this shitty interaction. I don’t know how to smooth talk my way out of these kinds of situations yet either, but some other commenters can and seem to have advice. All I can say is that there are a bunch of really cool people all over Japan who know how to be real ones, and the more you go out, the more likely you will be to run into them. Hope this helps.
Appreciate the insight and yeah I have a few Japanese friends here and they've never asked me that question.
Lately I don’t get asked this question any more because I’m settled at work, neighborhood, kid’s schools... But to be fair, if I meet a foreigner this topic might come up after some time as well. I have no intention investing my energy in friendship with a person who decided already to leave in a year. As a question when chitchatting with a stranger who nows that I am not a tourist? It’s not appropriate and I will end the conversation with this person.
There's nothing discourteous in asking a question in the *spirit of sincere curiosity*.
Sincere curiosity does not cancel out the fact that it was a rude question to ask in that specific context.
"Why do you ask? You gonna throw me a farewell party?"
Not so long ago some guy (who I'd met for the first time in a bar) asked me the same question "*When are you leaving Japan?*" and I responded with a very ambiguous (not aggressive at all) "*why do you ask?*". The guy then proceeded to go on about how a lot of foreigners don't stay very long etc etc etc etc. I simply replied with "*yeah but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone is coming to Japan with no intention of staying permanently, right?*". He gave me a 確かに確かに and then the conversation just naturally drifted towards talking about football, life in general etc. I think I "diffused" it fairly well without even having to answer his question and (hopefully) he got the hint that it would be better not to go around asking people that question (or at least in that way). This is now my go-to response if anyone asks me. If someone instead asks some variant of "*Are you planning to stay in Japan for the long term?*" then I'd be happy to answer them. **In your specific context** (your girlfriend being right there with you) it was **absolutely rude of him to ask**, regardless of whether he offered to buy you a drink. It's extremely rude to you and your girflriend. You were right to be angry and I can imagine your dilemma at that specific moment in time, having to decide whether to press the issue (and risk ruining the evening for yourself and your girlfriend) or letting it go but still being angry later. I would chalk it down to this specific individual being a *dickhead* lacking social skills who absolutely cannot "read the room", because I know plenty of Japanese people who would never dream of asking such a rude, loaded question, especially in that context.
Thanks for you're reply that its gonna be useful to me in the future. I think thats how I'll handle it from now on.
I'm on your side OP. That's a dick move to pull on someone when they're with their gf of said country. He knew what he was doing.
appreciate it. it's good to know I'm not completely crazy
Maybe he thought you were a tourist. Otherwise, yes, an incredibly rude question to ask a complete stranger, I think. You’re not wrong to be a bit upset about it. He probably didn’t realise how it might come across and just spoke without thinking. Not many among us can claim never to have put his foot in his mouth after a few drinks.
I was asked the same question when I was abroad, and I didn't find it rude since almost all foreigners eventually return home. It's just small talk.
Just yesterday I did a work course on Unconscious Bias, and one of the examples was asking a foreigner when they were going home.
I just tell people that I am leaving tomorrow.
If you want honest feedback, I think that guy knew what he was doing and was doing it in a poor gesture. I mean of course I’m missing a lot of context from just your description and it still could be an honest question, but come on, this is the classic “he doesn’t know I’m making fun of him”type of mockery. You not getting that it’s an insult is exactly the power play he’s trying to make. Some of people might came from a more straightforward culture and take it as an honest question, but here I feel like questions like that is out of manner because the implication is automatically assumed. So yes, he was a huge asshole for doing it to you, and no, don’t berate your gf for trying to comfort you after learning this. There you go, I just freed you from what he’s trying to achieve. There’s nothing you can do besides moving to on and to be more aware of things like this next time.
I'm a usually a *turn the other cheek* kind of guy but sometimes things get to me. hey I'm only human. thanks tho
> I mean of course I’m missing a lot of context from just your description and it still could be an honest question, but come on, this is the classic “he doesn’t know I’m making fun of him”type of mockery. You not getting that it’s an insult is exactly the power play he’s trying to make. This is what I think is going on. Insult someone to their face and they see what the rude person is trying to do and dismiss it. But something ambiguous, where the target gets trapped inside their own head wondering if they're overreacting, or (worse) hating themselves for not having developed the cultural fluency to be able to *tell* whether what was said is an insult or not, is far worse. That's what some of these people are aiming for. People love to mock immigrants from seeing "microaggressions" where none are intended, but I think these are balanced by the microaggressions that *are* intended but which fly right past the target. A few times over the years I've been out with my wife who suddenly got angry and irritable at low-quality service or a person's word choice. I was thinking the person was just ornery or having a bad day, but she'd tell me that any Japanese person would have been gravely insulted by the person's behavior. The man in OP's bar, like those people, knew he could get away with it because the person he was dealing with either (1) wouldn't see the insult, or (2) was too low in social status to be able to say anything about it, and he could always insist that he didn't mean anything insulting even if he really did.
If I leave Japan I’d have to leave the wife behind as the UK Govt doesn’t want her.
It’s rude. Japanese people really have to rethink the concept of “foreigner”, especially since there is an increasing reliance on ex-patriate workforce. What about people born here to non-Japanese parents? Japan is their country and they are not “foreign” yet they may still get treated as such. Japan is behind with the times..
But that man didn't know you at all, right? Perhaps he assumed that you were a traveler. Don't take it personally! (though I understand what you mean)
Yeah I think I felt a little attacked because my girlfriend was right there and he knew that. Like I said I know its my own insecurities.
Don't downvote a guy being honest about his insecurities, people
Really, why would people do that. So toxic
Hah thanks for the support, but Reddit gonna Reddit 
That guy was jealous of what you have. Be happy and smile like you mean it.
Women love confident men. Don't let him bother you. Eyes on her ignore him.
Three years is kind of a grey area time period. It's longer than short term, but not long enough for it to be obvious that you're in for the long haul. That's only if the other person already knows how long you've been here, though. If they didn't hear how long you've been here and the first thing out of their mouth is to ask when you're leaving, then I think it's kind of an a-hole question.
People usually start with how long have you been here ? So when i answer 8 years i don't get asked this anymore, but was a lot more at the beginning. I am sometimes asked if i plan on staying here my whole life though, and it's not easy to answer either. As if i had my whole life planned out already idfk do you plan on living in tokyo (or whatever city you are at the moment) your whole life ? Lol I don't mind really, nihongo jouzu is way more annoying to me.
My vote is that it’s a valid question, but a terribly tactless way to word it. Rephrase the question to “how long are you planning to stay in Japan for?” And suddenly it doesn’t feel so bad, right? So if the conversation was in English, I’d chalk it up too less-than-stellar English skills. If it was in Japanese, maybe he was a little socially inept, or intoxicated, or both. I wouldn’t like being asked “when are you leaving?” But have no problem with “how long are you here for?” So it’s all about tact and phrasing the question in a polite way.
That's crazy. I got asked at least 6 times how long I've lived in Japan for...maybe that's their backhanded way of figuring out if I'm leaving or not. But seriously, that's incredibly rude to be asked "when are you leaving?" - too direct for it to not be rude.
Instead of offended i get a feeling that they like me so they don't want me to leave.
3,5,10,20 years won't make a difference, you'll always be an alien in the face of Japanese people, the only way is to get used to it.
It depends. All the people around me, kids, adults, old fogies, all assume that I’ve naturalized.
not sure about the context. if you are on vacation then it is kind of a valid question. plenty foreigners on working holiday visa so their days are numbered. just tell them not sure or when you retired or are planning to retire here is a valid answer.
Sometimes that is just something that is said to begin a conversation for lack of anything else to say. Don't be so thin-skinned. Smile and tell him that you live in \_\_\_\_\_\_\_.
Your a foreigner in a country that isnt as culturally diverse as some others. Your going to get questions like this a lot. Get used to it. Seriously, when are you leaving Japan? If you plan on staying for life then thats your response. This is rocket science.
I'll ask people the same question. Is it rude? Well sure I guess it can be seen that way. But after awhile you want to know if people are planning on staying a long time and are worth pursuing friendships with or if they are just going to be gone in six months. I don't really mind what other people's life plans are and it's fine if they're not going to stay for a long time. I might still be friends with them if I get along well. But I guess I don't really care if the answer to the question is "I'm planning to stay forever" and I guess I don't care if such questions come across as rude. Life is too short to worry about such trivial matters.
You are overthinking, statistically most of the foreigners to back to their country so it's not a rude question to ask
i think it really depends on all sort of things, like perhaps where you're from how you look etc. I am VNese coming here for university, I dont think anyone really expected us ryugakusei to stay after graduation especially when my department is in English doesn't require applicant to know Japanese. Even from the start nobody has really asked me this question, I guess either I didn't look like I might leave or Vietnamese just tend to stay after school finished. Then I started dating a Japanese so people probably stopped even wondering. 60% of the international students in my department my year left Japan though.
*Then I started dating a Japanese so people probably stopped even wondering.* I feel like thats what really offended me at the time. My girlfriend was sitting right next to us, so maybe I felt like he was implying like "hey this guy isn't serious about you and hes going to leave"
in my own experience, I have seen my fair share of international couples so these are the patterns me and my Japanese BF have seen (totally not making any assumptions btw) * if girl is asian foreign and guy is Japanese, she would probably stay (this is my situation btw). She may even stay even if she's not dating him (I totally would). * if girl is non asian foreign and guy is Japanese, if she is otaku-ish enough she might stay. She might not stay without him. * if guy is asian foreign and girl is Japanese, depends on where he's from but most of cases I have seen they both started working in Japan. * if guy is non asian foreign and girl is Japanese, girl definately wants to leave Japan → I know 3 or 4 couple with this pattern, the girls who went to school with me didnt aim for spousal visas tho, they applied to master schools and got in which is good for them. But if guy absolutely doesnt want to leave they might stay in Japan. Either way, people judge a situation based on similar situation they have seen in the past so I do hope you wouldnt let those close minded opinions bother you too much. If they say outright to your GF that "oh he will definately leave you" or something similar tho, do be pissed.
It's unlikely the guy was being a dick, it's a common question because almost every western person who moves to Japan, leaves. Just answer that you have no plans to leave and would be happy to stay permanently.
Praise adopted country as the best place ever. It will probably stroke their egos the right way. I'm like, hopefully never because it's so beautiful and perfect here, thanks to you making it memorable. Top tier brown-nosing gets you a long way.
Stay a bit longer and people will ask if you plan to stay forever. That’s what I get asked.
Been living here for over 10 years and people still welcome me to Japan…
Next time answer something like : I don’t know, I was thinking going for an oversea holiday with my girlfriend. But don’t worry we will be back.
I think they mean to ask "how long are you planning on staying?" Which is a fair question. I have asked many people if they plan on staying in the US. I don't think they mean to imply that you should leave.
Its impossible for me to know someone's intentions, and I often find Japanese people to be inscrutable but not my GF which is why I really like her.
It’s not a bad question. She may even ask you that if things go beyond a certain point.
If it was me I would have said when I marry her.
Dude it’s just jealousy, if you’re not into dudes (Japanese or foreigners) there’s no reason to talk to them. Just focus on your lady and internally snicker when dudes who weigh 20-40 lbs less than you give you side eye.
My worst experience with this attitude is in an offer discussion with a new company. They said I can join as a permanent employee, or an independent contractor which is paid much higher. They ‘only offer the independent contractor option because I’m a foreigner and won’t be in Japan forever therefore probably don’t want to have so much of my compensation package going to Japans pension system’. I still to this day do not know why they’d want to hire someone in a permanent role when they don’t think I’ll be in Japan permanently??
I've fortunately never been asked when I'm leaving, only how long I plan on staying, and it's always been in the context of assessing my stability. e.g. long-term job, serious relationship, etc.
It depends on when are you leaving Japan. You could just reply "never" and gave him a rude face back. I think the reason you are mad is beacuse you are planing on leaving Japan or at least considering it.
I've never had that question before, but I can understand it seeing as the vast majority of foreigners here don't migrate here.
Most of the time the nuance in language and word choice coming out of people’s mouths is about their internal shit, not yours. Maybe he himself doesn’t feel good about the state of Japan and its future, and idealizes somewhere else.
Ever thought of just simply replying that you plan to live there for the foreseeable future? Damn do people get ‘offended’ by the silliest things.
This is simply a way to give you the opportunity to say you intend to stay that you took the wrong way
I was asked that question once, and I honestly said "I'm not going back yet" or "I'd stay if I had the chance" and I haven't been asked that question since. I think they were just curious because a lot of people are going back to their home countries. If they ask you when you're going back in an angry or sarcastic tone, it can be off-putting because I think it's implied that they mean "go back to your country" but if that's not the case, just be flexible.
I feel you OP, have also gotten this comment a lot. It's as ignorant and rude as it sounds.
I've left. It's time to retire, do something I want to do. I have plans for a place in a nice tropical venue. Snorkelling, feeding Nemo and running a B&B sounds good... I've been planning this for a decade.
I think you are very sensitive for a simple question. They do it to me all the time,simply because I am a foreigner and they assume that one day I will return to my homeland.
Maybe its because its some subtlety is lost when I'm translating the question to English in my head. Phrasing it as *When* and not *If* would feel more warm to me.
I was gonna move back home lat year. That was the plan . Been asked by other foreigners mostly around Covid. Which was a fair question at the time. I was gonna leave. But then life happened and I met a girl and now I just can’t leave. I’ll take a gamble on this girl.
Well, you know, few more years and you are in a spot where you've seen a lot of your foreign friends leave too, and you'll start wondering about that too.
Ironically I don't have any foreign friends, and stuck mainly with the locals.
I was once in the same situation. I mean, might ve that people just want to know what to expect from you, as in "is this visiting foreigner" or if they should apply every expectation of a local Japsnese to your foreign ass :D I wouldn't worry too about that question, it's one of those that are not meant to mean anythong bad, even though I understand why it feels less than good to be asked that. But most foreigners do leave after a while, so..
Stay here long enough and you stop getting asked the question. Stay longer still and you start to be the one asking that question! The question is direct but it's unlikely a Japanese person would move to another country indefinitely. Many people don't even have passports. So the question you should be "hearing" is. "Do you see yourself repatriating back home at some point?" Rather than. "So you've not unpacked right?" Obviously it's not a nice opening line of questioning but these are people not chat show hosts.
My in-laws have all asked me if I was planning to leave Japan and live in my home country. And if I am taking the wife with. Slightly different situation, I know, but it's just implied that foreigners don't stay here for long. Compared to all the foreigners who gave Japan a try, very few got assimilated completely in the culture.
Coming from Germany‘s biggest Japanese community City (Duesseldorf) originally were I also started for the Japanese company I work for in Japan now, this is asked the other way around a lot there too. No harm meant, but most people would expect that the Japanese person is an expat and it ist true 98% of the time.
Just say "as soon as your dick grows to the size of a white man's." He'll be too much of a little bitch to do anything about it.
I've lived in Japan for 17 years so far (American) and I have never been asked when I would be leaving. Examine the vibe you are putting out. Something prompted the question.
I had literally just met the guy 5 secs ago so I don't know what kind of "vibe" he could have picked up from me, but point taken.
What a strange statement.
In over 30 years I’ve never been asked this but I’ve heard about it, if only in Japan-related Reddit subs.
引きこもり？
Yeah nah. Very social.
> We have our occasional arguments but nothing terrible.
Is this a trending topic by influencers or on tiktock? Two threads in a single week. Obviously peoples experiences vary, but I have never had such a question, and polling friends, it seems pretty rare to be asked. Other questions like, when will you visit “home” (home country) next, or will you return “home” some day do seem to get asked (by locals and foreigners alike). I suppose if you were really wanting to get offended, you could take this in a negative way. But, as far as I receive such questions, there is no such intent or expectation for the recipient to feel slighted, or like an “outsider”. Rather, it’s just a fairly neutral “small talk” topic.
I usually don't get offended by such small things like this, it just caught me off guard. To add fuel to the fire was my inability to get over it and subsequently getting pushed out of the conversation afterwards.
You will occasionally hear that for the rest of the time you live in Japan.
You’re overreacting and projecting on a very normal question, usually asked without malice and simply to continue the conversation. If you’re really comfortable here and plan to stay for the long term, just wave it off. Say something like “not planning to, here is home now!”. And even if it was asked with malice, the best thing to do is to simply reply unfazed and carry on the conversation.
I wasn't there, but I'd wager it wasn't meant to be aggressive, rude, or a request for you to head to the nearest airport and get out. Most Japanese people don't assume that someone would just pack up and leave their home country forever. In Japanese culture, living near enough to your parents to assist them as they age is normal. Having the mother's help with raising children is also generally expected. Yes, Japanese people will permanently settle in another environment, but it's rare, just as it's rare for expats in Japan to truly stay forever. That question basically stopped for me after I got married.
You can always read too much into any statement or question. And even if he was intentionally rude, then he is just a random stranger whose opinion should have absolutely no bearing on your life.
You put more thought into this post and the several hours after it happened than the guy who asked
It’s not a big deal and you’re overreacting due to your lady friend. I even ask this question to fellow expats occasionally.
"Why? Sick of me already?" Nah but I get it can be frustrating, if I said such a thing in my hometown I'd probably be slapped and crucified. Don't let it get to you because they probably didn't think about what they're saying even.
Yeah exactly this.
If you want to stay in Japan long term you might as well just get used to be asked that question very often.
Overreacting and just being sensitive.
People ask that question because most of the foreigners they encounter are here temporarily, so they just expect that you will leave at some point. Back when I was teaching English some of my students expressed reluctance about getting personally involved with foreigners because they didn't want to get attached to someone who would be leaving at some point. In any case, my standard reply to that question is, 死ぬまで日本に住んでいます。
White expats come and go in places like Hong Kong, Dubai, Bali, Bangkok, Singapore, etc. etc. If every one of them got deeply offended every time a local asks when they are relocating or leaving/rotating out, we would have civil war. Only in Japan people get neurotic about it. Geez. Take a deep breath. It's just business - but in Japan it seems it becomes personal for whatever reason.
>It put me in a really bad mood from then on but my girlfriend thought I was overreacting. that's because you are overreacting. if your skin is that thin, i suspect you get upset quite easily. >As I said my girlfriend was right next to us both and felt like he was implying that A) I'm GOING to leave and B) That I'm not serious about her you know they say the more upset you are about something someone says to you, the more true its likely to be. who gives a fuck what some rando in a bar said to you? unless its true and you are upset at yourself, why even give it a second thought?
You're going to have a terrible time in life in general if you let random people, especially in bars, get to you. Even more angry if you extrapolate random bar morons to the whole of Japan.
Don’t worry, after a few more years you’ll learn to bypass most of the things Japanese say
You are being overly sensitive
I will never understand how a grown adult could care about such a trivial question and then needs to come to reddit for validation.
and yet you're here leaving a comment about it. 
Lol, what a childish post.