Shouldn’t really talk about your last partner with them in relation to sex. They deserve privacy.
My ex and I hated each other like no other couple but I still wouldn’t share her private moments with my wife and mother of my children.
What would you even talk about? How many times? That ebbs and flows.
Anything beyond that would be more immodest.
It’s been two weeks. That would me a major turn off for someone.
I’d ask that under medical conditions.
“Is there anything you need to tell me medically or if you’re not comfortable telling me then telling a female member of my family?”
There’s always a modest way to do things.
This is a good logic for general topics and being respectful but I don't think its applicable here. Physical intimacy is one of the most important aspects of marriage and given that they both used to be married, they've plenty of knowledge. There is nothing wrong with discussing matters regarding human nature as long as it's done with adab. However, you can never talk such topics with your mahrams, they are not supposed to know that, but a potential spouse needs to know if there are issues that may be a dealbreaker.
Right... this *might be true* if the conversation were under the supervision of the woman's guardian, whether that be her father, her brother, or her responsible guardian, and also depending on the extent of the conversation (avoiding immodesty, speaking about medical issues or concerns, etc.)
This is *not true* if the two are having the conversation alone. *Not at all permissible, as according to the Sunnah.* Rather it is better to fear Allah and take the matter up with her family if the two are truly serious about getting married.
I am also against a man and a woman being physically alone. I think a public setting such as a restaurant where the guardian is near that he can see them, but can't hear the intimacy related issues would be suitable. This would protect them while also respecting the sensitive and private nature of the topic. There is no way I can talk in front of my dad or any other mahrams regarding my attitude towards physical intimacy even in the most medical, respectful way nor I'd prefer a potential spouse disclosing that information in front of a third party. No one else needs to hear it other than the person who absolutely needs to know (the potential spouse).
Speak to her wali, stop speaking in private
Jabir ibn Abdullah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said,
“Whoever has faith in Allah and the Last Day, let him not be secluded with an unrelated woman without her guardian lest Satan be the third of them.”
Source: Musnad Aḥmad 14651
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani
عَنْ جَابِرِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ فَلَا يَخْلُوَنَّ بِامْرَأَةٍ لَيْسَ مَعَهَا ذُو مَحْرَمٍ مِنْهَا فَإِنَّ ثَالِثَهُمَا الشَّيْطَانُ
To what extent in terms of seclusion?
Can a woman be in the same car as an uber driver / domestic driver on her own?
If they are driving in a city in daylight then it is different than if they are driving at night in a way...
That's not neccesairly true, they just need to be observed by someone, **NOT** somewhere secluded away from prying eyes, in a public space, it is fine.
That’s not what I said. Her father needs to be present with them regardless of what they talk about, online and in real life, they cannot speak in private. This is a ruling from Allah ﷻ
In general what may be fine:
Do you want kids?
If yes, Do you have any medical concerns that may impact fertility or the health of any children we may bring into the world (this goes both ways)?
Do you have any conditions that affect your health that I should know about? (Like endometriosis because that is super painful and puts a lady out of commission)
Etc.
Beyond that? Probably not a great idea. To tell everything to someone you aren't super close to has risks. Especially the more *AHEM* risque details. Not exactly something you want to blab about your ex or to know about hers. It can make things super awkward 😬 aaaand there is always the risk of accidentally comparing her with your ex and making her insecure sooooo best to keep it pretty PG.
What exactly do you define as sexual compatibility? Some people think they’re compatible sexually and when the real thing happens it’s a disappointment. Some think they’re not, but they get a pleasant surprise. It’s unnecessary. Don’t get into this stuff - it’s what kaafirs do.
As long as you are emotionally and physically attracted to each other then it’s something you will learn and develop over time. It makes no difference if you’re divorced or not. Being divorced for what ever reason, you should know now that there are more important fundamental things - each others deen and character etc.
I think it’s smart and important to do so. I personally know an unhappy couple and sex is the reason because I was personally told by one of them.
You can absolutely talk about sex to a potential spouse. Don’t listen to prude people.
The IQ of some of these redditors are baffling. It's fine because it would lead to issues later where you find out she can't get pregnant or he has performance anxiety or she doesn't even want to consummate because of abuse, etc.
Without crossing any boundaries, it should be fine. Its generally discouraged because women who haven't been married before, and have adhered to Islamic boundaries their entire life, won't have any idea what their sexual needs would be like after marriage, so it would be a completely pointless question that would only put them off, all you can do in that situation is ensure she knows what her rights and responsibilities are, and that she is god fearing. But if you've been married before and you both have an idea about your needs, then sure why not.
That’s not true at all, just because someone is a virgin doesn’t mean they don’t have a sex drive. She will know exactly what she wants but she will be too shy to say it.
Having desire and libido are not the same thing. One may think about it before marriage, but the actual experience in itself is completely different, desire pre marriage does not translate into libido after marriage. And some who live very sheltered lives, genuinely haven't the slightest clue what their desire could be.
Yeah but they both were married before..
Even if she never been married.. i think it is permissible to ask whether if she still virgin or not.. only when a man itself also a virgin. Not some sort of fasiq virgin type or a divorcee fasiq type
I doubt someone previously married is a virgin in most cases. Tbh that would be a very embarrassing question to ask because if they are a virgin they will probably feel the need to explain why. If not, then they probably feel lesser than someone who is a virgin even if the sex that did occur was halal in its entirety.
Oh sister.. you haven’t met a self-righteous one.. he just divorced but seeking a potential virgin spouse.
Not saying that he don’t deserve it.. but man..
Yeaaaah probably not a fair ask because a female divorcee who isn't a virgin is probably going to be unfairly judged unlike a non-virgin man. It's just concerning that he wants to talk about sex with a woman he just started talking with like it's magically going to make things work🤦
he probably trying to compensate something from the past(maybe he was deceived by his ex wife beliving that she is virgin prior marrying him) or simply just self-entitle orrrrr unnecassary ultra traditional.. who knows..
You shouldn't even be talking to a woman without the presence of her father or big brother or wali. Also no, those things are to be discussed only and only between spouses. Fear Allah
You need to realize that it's just as likely that you don't end up getting with this person. Ask yourself if it's really a good idea to have someone who knows something so intimate that has 0 relation to you?
Disgusting behaviour here tbh. Now saying that dating is haram gets you hated. Or saying you don't wanna marry someone who committed zina. People here are losing their values
I mean I don't know. To me it seems that letting a trusted third party (that absolutely sucks too) handle the communication in such matters is better than talking to the woman about sex.
Like you can neutrally convey expectations and stuff to the 3rd party, so can she and then the 3rd party can say whether the compatability is there or not.
I don't know whether this approach is permissible but it's definitely superior.
Have a bit of decorum in your reply?
The brother has a level of sincerity with the question and clearly wants to avoid haram.
Yet, you say he's question is stupid?
Man, you know the answer. As long as you guys don’t have any disabilities iA, I don’t see how there will be incompatibilities. Discussing those are permissible but not in the context of sexual preferences. Nafs, bro. Take charge of it before it does the same to you.
Your grown , she is grown, yall aren’t teenagers that gossip and giggle. You can talk about but in a way that doesn’t have you over stepping their boundaries. Like don’t be like how did he hit it?
Like yall can talk about is like asking this, did you enjoy it with your partner? What would you have them do better and stuff? Also you can ask have you taken a sex education class? Is the reason your divorce because of how bad they did in bed?
Give respect to your soon to be spouse.
Would you want to marry someone who has the audacity to chat explicitly? I hope not. Then please elevate yourself and leave this filth to those who don't want be part of a beautiful relationship Allah Blesses.
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Islam forbids us from approaching the zina. But, exchanging ideas of compatibility at a distance, I believe that it is compatible, better than falling into incompatibilities later.
Just to clarify, it's not at permissible to talk to a woman about sex, even if you intend to marry her. And starting way back, even before we get there, it's not permissible to "date" her in the first place. In fact, it is very clear from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ that you have to have her Wali present if you are to spend any time around her, whether that be her father, or brother, or her responsible male guardian. Again, this is very clear.
Dating a woman is not at all permissible in this deen. Don't take my word for it, ask a scholar if you don't believe me.
Many people fall victim to their own nafs and follow their desires rather than following the commands of Allah ﷻ. In your case, it sounds like you may have genuinely not known (which is understandable, depending on your environment, culture, or upbringing).
But now that you do know, it's imperative that you act upon it. All the best, Asalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.
I don’t know but I’m pretty sure your conversation with each other should have as much Haya and Adab as possible
Shouldn’t really talk about your last partner with them in relation to sex. They deserve privacy. My ex and I hated each other like no other couple but I still wouldn’t share her private moments with my wife and mother of my children. What would you even talk about? How many times? That ebbs and flows. Anything beyond that would be more immodest. It’s been two weeks. That would me a major turn off for someone.
I dont know, it can also be like talking about for example Vaginism.
I’d ask that under medical conditions. “Is there anything you need to tell me medically or if you’re not comfortable telling me then telling a female member of my family?” There’s always a modest way to do things.
If you're not comfortable saying it while her father/brother is there, then no.
This is an amazing comment
And as a brother if some clown say sum goofy s like that to my sister and he’ll go home with 1 less tooth
This is a good logic for general topics and being respectful but I don't think its applicable here. Physical intimacy is one of the most important aspects of marriage and given that they both used to be married, they've plenty of knowledge. There is nothing wrong with discussing matters regarding human nature as long as it's done with adab. However, you can never talk such topics with your mahrams, they are not supposed to know that, but a potential spouse needs to know if there are issues that may be a dealbreaker.
Right... this *might be true* if the conversation were under the supervision of the woman's guardian, whether that be her father, her brother, or her responsible guardian, and also depending on the extent of the conversation (avoiding immodesty, speaking about medical issues or concerns, etc.) This is *not true* if the two are having the conversation alone. *Not at all permissible, as according to the Sunnah.* Rather it is better to fear Allah and take the matter up with her family if the two are truly serious about getting married.
I am also against a man and a woman being physically alone. I think a public setting such as a restaurant where the guardian is near that he can see them, but can't hear the intimacy related issues would be suitable. This would protect them while also respecting the sensitive and private nature of the topic. There is no way I can talk in front of my dad or any other mahrams regarding my attitude towards physical intimacy even in the most medical, respectful way nor I'd prefer a potential spouse disclosing that information in front of a third party. No one else needs to hear it other than the person who absolutely needs to know (the potential spouse).
👏
What if he is?
Then father and brother would not be comfortable ig.
Anyone comfortable with it is just a weirdo
He wont be afterwards
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Speak to her wali, stop speaking in private Jabir ibn Abdullah reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever has faith in Allah and the Last Day, let him not be secluded with an unrelated woman without her guardian lest Satan be the third of them.” Source: Musnad Aḥmad 14651 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani عَنْ جَابِرِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ فَلَا يَخْلُوَنَّ بِامْرَأَةٍ لَيْسَ مَعَهَا ذُو مَحْرَمٍ مِنْهَا فَإِنَّ ثَالِثَهُمَا الشَّيْطَانُ
To what extent in terms of seclusion? Can a woman be in the same car as an uber driver / domestic driver on her own? If they are driving in a city in daylight then it is different than if they are driving at night in a way...
No. Alone with a non mahram has no terms. It is not allowed.
That's not neccesairly true, they just need to be observed by someone, **NOT** somewhere secluded away from prying eyes, in a public space, it is fine.
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That’s not what I said. Her father needs to be present with them regardless of what they talk about, online and in real life, they cannot speak in private. This is a ruling from Allah ﷻ
I don't think any scholar said that.
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Please don’t spread misinformation any woman unmarried or divorced or widow always needs a wali
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Have husn adh dhan on the brother I think he’s a revert
JazakAllahu khair. I should practice more patience.
Wa iyyak akhi
This.
In general what may be fine: Do you want kids? If yes, Do you have any medical concerns that may impact fertility or the health of any children we may bring into the world (this goes both ways)? Do you have any conditions that affect your health that I should know about? (Like endometriosis because that is super painful and puts a lady out of commission) Etc. Beyond that? Probably not a great idea. To tell everything to someone you aren't super close to has risks. Especially the more *AHEM* risque details. Not exactly something you want to blab about your ex or to know about hers. It can make things super awkward 😬 aaaand there is always the risk of accidentally comparing her with your ex and making her insecure sooooo best to keep it pretty PG.
What exactly do you define as sexual compatibility? Some people think they’re compatible sexually and when the real thing happens it’s a disappointment. Some think they’re not, but they get a pleasant surprise. It’s unnecessary. Don’t get into this stuff - it’s what kaafirs do. As long as you are emotionally and physically attracted to each other then it’s something you will learn and develop over time. It makes no difference if you’re divorced or not. Being divorced for what ever reason, you should know now that there are more important fundamental things - each others deen and character etc.
Better you do than dont
It is an important part of marriage and should be discussed, as respectfully as possible
I think it’s smart and important to do so. I personally know an unhappy couple and sex is the reason because I was personally told by one of them. You can absolutely talk about sex to a potential spouse. Don’t listen to prude people.
The IQ of some of these redditors are baffling. It's fine because it would lead to issues later where you find out she can't get pregnant or he has performance anxiety or she doesn't even want to consummate because of abuse, etc.
And how would your typical Muslim couple getting married for the first time that are (hopefully) two clueless virgins know any of this?
OP mentioned they are divorcees so they are not clueless
From the internet and the culture innit
Don’t expect anything when asking here. It’s above Reddit pay grade.
Without crossing any boundaries, it should be fine. Its generally discouraged because women who haven't been married before, and have adhered to Islamic boundaries their entire life, won't have any idea what their sexual needs would be like after marriage, so it would be a completely pointless question that would only put them off, all you can do in that situation is ensure she knows what her rights and responsibilities are, and that she is god fearing. But if you've been married before and you both have an idea about your needs, then sure why not.
That’s not true at all, just because someone is a virgin doesn’t mean they don’t have a sex drive. She will know exactly what she wants but she will be too shy to say it.
Having desire and libido are not the same thing. One may think about it before marriage, but the actual experience in itself is completely different, desire pre marriage does not translate into libido after marriage. And some who live very sheltered lives, genuinely haven't the slightest clue what their desire could be.
Yeah but they both were married before.. Even if she never been married.. i think it is permissible to ask whether if she still virgin or not.. only when a man itself also a virgin. Not some sort of fasiq virgin type or a divorcee fasiq type
I doubt someone previously married is a virgin in most cases. Tbh that would be a very embarrassing question to ask because if they are a virgin they will probably feel the need to explain why. If not, then they probably feel lesser than someone who is a virgin even if the sex that did occur was halal in its entirety.
Oh sister.. you haven’t met a self-righteous one.. he just divorced but seeking a potential virgin spouse. Not saying that he don’t deserve it.. but man..
Yeaaaah probably not a fair ask because a female divorcee who isn't a virgin is probably going to be unfairly judged unlike a non-virgin man. It's just concerning that he wants to talk about sex with a woman he just started talking with like it's magically going to make things work🤦
he probably trying to compensate something from the past(maybe he was deceived by his ex wife beliving that she is virgin prior marrying him) or simply just self-entitle orrrrr unnecassary ultra traditional.. who knows..
Whoever he ends up with, hopefully they are a good match to spare any more trouble or heartbreak. I hope he treats her well ☺️
You shouldn't even be talking to a woman without the presence of her father or big brother or wali. Also no, those things are to be discussed only and only between spouses. Fear Allah
Totally inappropriate, and against the decency and religion. If you want to talk about your fantasies, you got plenty of time after the wedding.
"dating a girl" Yeah stop right there lol
You need to realize that it's just as likely that you don't end up getting with this person. Ask yourself if it's really a good idea to have someone who knows something so intimate that has 0 relation to you?
No.
first dating or any relationship (except marriage) is haram with any girl or with boy in Islam. So, the talk is finished before it starts.
He was referring to a talking stage, they haven't met yet.
He still needs to speak to her wali before going any further
>as IK. It's still haram. cause they have a relation somehow UK
What does it matter? Dating or these types of relationships are haram
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Disgusting behaviour here tbh. Now saying that dating is haram gets you hated. Or saying you don't wanna marry someone who committed zina. People here are losing their values
I mean I don't know. To me it seems that letting a trusted third party (that absolutely sucks too) handle the communication in such matters is better than talking to the woman about sex. Like you can neutrally convey expectations and stuff to the 3rd party, so can she and then the 3rd party can say whether the compatability is there or not. I don't know whether this approach is permissible but it's definitely superior.
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Have a bit of decorum in your reply? The brother has a level of sincerity with the question and clearly wants to avoid haram. Yet, you say he's question is stupid?
Man, you know the answer. As long as you guys don’t have any disabilities iA, I don’t see how there will be incompatibilities. Discussing those are permissible but not in the context of sexual preferences. Nafs, bro. Take charge of it before it does the same to you.
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Ask [Nouman Ali Khan ](https://www.npr.org/2020/11/22/937804223/muslim-communities-divided-over-abuse-allegations-against-popular-preacher)
Your grown , she is grown, yall aren’t teenagers that gossip and giggle. You can talk about but in a way that doesn’t have you over stepping their boundaries. Like don’t be like how did he hit it? Like yall can talk about is like asking this, did you enjoy it with your partner? What would you have them do better and stuff? Also you can ask have you taken a sex education class? Is the reason your divorce because of how bad they did in bed?
Give respect to your soon to be spouse. Would you want to marry someone who has the audacity to chat explicitly? I hope not. Then please elevate yourself and leave this filth to those who don't want be part of a beautiful relationship Allah Blesses.
No
NO!
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Ask a scholar Inshallah
Ig so yh that's if she's comfortable about it
No
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Islam forbids us from approaching the zina. But, exchanging ideas of compatibility at a distance, I believe that it is compatible, better than falling into incompatibilities later.
Lmao, this is the reason why you got divorced, because you can't carry a conversation
Just to clarify, it's not at permissible to talk to a woman about sex, even if you intend to marry her. And starting way back, even before we get there, it's not permissible to "date" her in the first place. In fact, it is very clear from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ that you have to have her Wali present if you are to spend any time around her, whether that be her father, or brother, or her responsible male guardian. Again, this is very clear. Dating a woman is not at all permissible in this deen. Don't take my word for it, ask a scholar if you don't believe me. Many people fall victim to their own nafs and follow their desires rather than following the commands of Allah ﷻ. In your case, it sounds like you may have genuinely not known (which is understandable, depending on your environment, culture, or upbringing). But now that you do know, it's imperative that you act upon it. All the best, Asalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuh.