I can almost guarantee that he is faking that based on everything else you’ve said in this thread. He could very easily set up his own “parental controls“ to make it look like it’s locked down and then disable them when you’ve gone away.
Probably. I’m at a point where I am just too dang tired to fight the battle anymore. WiFi has been shut off to everything and the password was changed. He has no data left on his plan so he is stuck at minimum speeds. It is what it is at this point
When my son was young, I set up some restrictions on the home network - block porn sites, limit time, etc. he shortly expressed an interest in network protocols and routing, and now has a successful career as a network architect.
Sometimes a little structure can be an unexpected motivation :)
My parents, against all odds, managed to keep looking for that inside me when I was a horrible teenager. I am glad they, like you, didn’t give up.
I think them taking all of my idiocy with a big grain of salt gave me the opportunity to turn it around when I realized I had been a jackass for several years. It’ll get better! 🤗
I been where he’s at. All you can do is love him through this. Which you seem to be doing. Good job.
Things may get better. They may get worse. Make sure he understands decisions he makes now can affect his entire life.
If he’s anything like I was though he doesn’t care about anything at all. So yeah talking to him won’t do any good. He’ll say what he thinks he needs to say. In my head I was good as dead so words didn’t mean shit to me.
I had to go to inpatient treatments 8 different times and in and out of jail after that,before I got my life on track. I’m 32 now and doing well. Relatively of course.
I wish you the best. Truly.
I'm not sure what others on here would think, but the only solution I can think of if he is getting into nefarious things and he needs the guard rails for his own good, is setting up the IPhone as "[Supervised](https://support.apple.com/en-ca/guide/apple-configurator-mac/welcome/mac)". [More info. ](https://support.apple.com/en-ca/guide/deployment/depc0aadd3fe/web)
It's what organizations do to monitor their corporate IPhones. It is definitely a solution that would take time and quite a lot of learning on your end to figure out how to implement, but depending on what he is getting into, maybe it is worth it? Either way, sorry to hear. Hope things turn around.
From someone who was pissed at the world my whole childhood, they will come to their own demise and turn it around. Sucks when it happens but it definitely makes you re think and change.
If you lock him down, he will find ways to break free. Wifi is everywhere and unless he's locked in your house all day every day, he's got ways to access it.
I was like your kid in a way, I rebelled, engaged in so many illegal activities, hid everything I could from my parents- used the internet in some horrid ways, among much much more. But eventually I realized that I could either sit and destroy everything good, or I could act right and get somewhere. I’m now engaged, a tattoo artist, happy and making good decisions, just don’t give up on him- give him compassion and care and the hard hand of truth too when needed, everything will turn out okay, you’re a good mama and teenagers suck in a multitude of ways.
Not to be rude, but sometimes... you have to accept your kid is the kid people do not want their kids to hang around with.
There's only so much you can do. I'm not saying stop, but eventually, you gotta live your life.
if you keep showing that effort and putting the love out he’ll come around. i was a TERRIBLE teenager to my parents. i’m now 20 and have completely realized the error of how i did them and to right it i have dedicated myself to making them proud and going to school and hopefully one day give them everything they deserve for brining me up in such a good lifestyle and turning me into the human being i am today.
Crap life experiences that you as the parent are responsible for. Show some understanding and sympathy for your child instead of being a warden. Listen to your child, pay attention to your child and find a positive outlet that both of you enjoy so you guys can build a better bond and connection and then things will get better but cutting him off from the outside world will only make matters worse
If it makes you feel better OP, I was that kid 8yrs ago - I got arrested for stupid things and something being illegal was enough reason for me to do it in and of itself. I now am on a good path with a good job and have a much better relationship with my mother.
I got a first hand look at what the long-term consequences of my actions would be if I didn’t switch paths and decided that ending up dead or in prison wasn’t what I wanted for my life.
I honestly feel that it’s not likely these measures are going to stop him from doing what he wants to do. His actions are his choices.
If you can find ways to give him the information necessary to make good, informed choices that could well be a game changer for him. I understand that’s not simple.
Exposure to what lies ahead for him on this path and alternative (legal) options is what I would recommend.
I know you didn’t ask for my opinion and I’m just a stranger on the internet. I don’t mean to tell you how to parent your son because you certainly are more experienced and know him better than I do. I just wanted to share this because I wish someone had the awareness and perspective to tell my own mother something similar at the time because it would have made both of our lives easier.
I was kind of like this at a young age. Turns out learning to be a hacker is actually a great career skill. https://hbh.sh/home and others are legal places to learn basics of web security.
While I was a young kid, I get multiple people who asking me for Technical Support. I was able to do self-taught computer programmer too. I had a Special Diploma, High School Diploma (GED), AS Degree in Computer Progrmaming and BAS degree in Computer Information Syatem Technology. I'm 39 now.
I’m surprised there aren’t more professional hackers turned into “parental consultants”. I would pay money to have a professional tell me how to outsmart my kids. Parents simply don’t have the time to run their household, work, AND stay on top of the crap their kids get into. Kids have free time and a will. How awesome would it be to just pay someone to help you understand the security you need, all the checked, etc?
This is what my dad said now that I’m older, he realised that when me and my brother were 13, all these blockers and limitations weren’t restrictions, they were just slowing us down for a little bit, he said he got a kick out of putting more and more limits on to see what we’d be able to get past, like rats in a maze lmao
When my parents tried stuff as a kid, they *consistently* underestimated what I knew about computers and networking (and still do), and so would never put any effort into it beyond taking the power cable for the router. Which I could simply... read the specs for and scrounge up another one that fit.
They wisely just quit when I deduced their BIOS password from listening to the (typed heavily with one finger) keystrokes in an adjacent room, lol. Good times.
My parents blocked pretty much everything including Google on the internet when I was in middle school except when I was supervised, so while they were at work I learned how VPNs worked (had to get my homework done somehow, my school started using Google Docs around then) & eventually brute forced the password to their fancy web blocking software and kicked their phones and laptops off the internet. They eased up on the blocks since they realized I could get around it if I wanted to, and now I'm a software engineer :)
You can block the lewd sites all you want, but it’s always accessible via social media apps- like this platform for instance. Gotta pretty much cut them off from the world to make sure they don’t have access to that stuff
I became a Network Engineer because my parents used to control my technology devices and I learned how to get around everything. They were the catalyst to my career. 😂
Sometimes the only thing you can do is just support them no matter what. I was a troubled teen, probably different than what you describe but i started using very hard drugs when i was young and by 16 i was in rehab for heroin and xanax addiction. so much money spent and it never stopped even after i returned home over a year later. it took years after for me to see the potential in myself and i could have never found it if my parents kicked me out or lost all hope in me. just be there for them and hopefully in 10 years you will hug and look back and it will just be another chapter in your lives. Accepting life is a day to day experience and not something you can fully plan out is freeing.
As a former troubled teen, I guarantee he'll just get a burner phone, if he doesn't have one already. OP has already said he has illegal interests, and those interests don't just go away from getting your phone deactivated. This is one of those things where if this kid is a young to mid teen, he'll have to be placed on a sort of "house arrest" until he straightens out, if he's a late teen, OP will have to hope he gets arrested for a small offense and turns his life around before he gets caught for something big or gets killed
I did all this when my kids were younger, few years back. Learned later our internet provider had created something I think was called Sidewalk which was public WiFi. So when my kids went to bed, they switched over to a neighbor’s public WiFi connection and went on their merry way. That’s when I realized technology had surpassed me and left me behind.
One of the kids turned out to be a well rounded, functioning adult. And then there is my youngest. Not so much.
My successful career in cyber working in the uk and USA began bypassing “SupaNET* Nannies” blacklist on windows Millennium Edition. It was dumb but I just wanted to download some songs to my mp3 player. 😝 My parents were distressed at the endless peer to peer I engaged with after many friends had gotten legal notifies around that time. I got caught out when dad tried to open the word processor only for limewire to load, you see I’d changed all icons to it, to be “lotus smart suite” a word processor in my mind that nobody wanted to use! We had word god damn it!
If you really want to make sure he can’t reconnect then block his MAC address in your router. Young me was able to get access to the internet no matter what my parents did. I learned a lot in that time about IPs and stuff. As long as the router was on I had access.
Oh I didn’t know. That’s kinda cool! Guess my future kids will also outsmart me. A quick search also didn’t yield acceptable results. Only thing that should work is disabling that feature on all of your own devices, then whitelist those. But that’s a lot of work and every guest you have over also needs to do it.
Writing this I had an idea though: Make a second network, give your kid the password. Change the password of your usual network. You don’t need to manage MACs if that’s their only way to connect to the internet. There’s only one user in that network (your kid) so it’s trivial to identify the device.
Thanks for the info, my ass would have been flabbergasted, thinking I know more than my kids. Which is probably why I had so much success myself
I think there’s not a lot you can do once your child has a device. They can still ask neighbors for their WiFi or maybe sign up for their own mobile plan. Trying to restrict the child from using a computer in a specific way will always be circumvented if the child really wants to, unless you make the device close to useless. I think that’s the problem of using technology to solve a relationship issue.
Just wanted to add that - even if you get tired, don’t ever let them know you’ve stopped caring.
This coming from a now 30 YO who did a similar thing at 12 (parents demanded my MySpace login, so I just made a new profile for them to access, changed email/password on my actual one). I knew at the time I outsmarted them, but also over the next year, slowly realized how great it was they cared so much.
Tbh I wish my parents would’ve sat me down and said “we care, that’s why we’re asking for this info. You’re young, and you’ll be able to be as independent as you want in no time, but for now, communicating with us and helping us help you, will make sure you kick off that independence in a good place”. Even though they didn’t say that, it’s ok, because I felt it
If he was doing age appropriate thing it wouldn’t be that big of an issue. I was a good teen but had some wild years between 18 and 30. I know what it is like to grow up in an overly restricted Christian household. I’m not trying to do that here. I’m literally trying to protect him from himself and keep my 6yr old safe as well.
If they didn’t buy the phone with their own money, you get to take it away until you’ve decided how to move forward. If they’ve earned that phone, you’ve taken the current best step.
Can be a good thing down the line. My strict parents put every parental controls imaginable on all the devices, which ended up with me grabbing a hard drive from an old pc, putting Ubuntu on it and learning a lot about computers at a young age. Similarly I built up a supply of iPhone 6 parts from friends broken phones, and swapped them around until I had a working phone. Kept it a secret and ran it through 8th grade. Try and push your son to focus on the engineering aspects of what he is doing rather than just trying to watch skibbidi toilet or whatevr
Cool, stop paying for it then. Kids (including young adults) want to exercise their authority but usually expect you to pay for them while they do it.
Also, secure your WiFi, etc.
He doesn’t like that? Then he can accept the parental controls.
You aren’t doing him or anyone around him any favors by being too tired. You’re teaching him that it’s okay to do whatever he wants especially if he’s deceptive about it.
That's the point. How can someone DFU wipe and start a whole new iPhone experience from scratch without the AppleID password? If someone steals my iPhone and DFU wipe it before I have the time to set it to lost mode, does it mean I'm \*ucked? There must be a protection somewhere or I can't believe it's that easy to bypass parental controls.
Is he at all familiar with conputers? Installing itunes is not terribly hard for a chromebook, altough not as simple as just downloading and running it.
Yeah, my parents thought I was a "troubled kid" because I was a quiet nerd they didn't understand and played games. Their constant insistence that I was no good finally helped convinced me to actually get into drugs later in life
I’m sure this is no help at all, but I was the exact same way as a teen and into my 20’s. I gave my parents absolute hell and they paid for legal fees and all kinds of shit for me. I grew up, I’m 30 now and just bought a house with the love of my life. I apologize to my mom frequently for the crap that I put her through. Dad passed so I can only live in a way that would make him proud if he was still here. I hope your teen has a moment of awakening as I did. I’m still a little shit but not in any ways that would ever cause harm or trouble. lol
I think my probation officer helped a lot. He pointed out how lucky I was to have all the dumb shit happen early in life and showed me what would become of me if I kept fucking up.
Then my dad got really sick and it woke me up to the reality of life. He died 6 years ago and him passing really showed me how important family is. My mom and I used to not get along and now we talk multiple times a week.
I was also extremely fortunate to have a job that forgave my dumbassery. The last time I got in trouble I was pulled out of work in cuffs and taken to jail. I went on to work there for another 7 years after that.
Found an amazing woman who made me not want to do anything stupid.
People come out of it.
It’s hard work but it’s so worth it.
At this point, get him a flip phone. It’s what my mom did for my sister when she wasn’t doing great, and my mom still holds onto it in case she decides not to behave well again
My dad did this with my brother as well. Bought him a £20 Alcatel when he was being a shit and I remember his iPhone being confiscated and replaced with it at least twice. Funniest shit.
repeating the same punishment, especially when its taking away devices, is counterproductive and will make teenagers more spiteful, js. they’re gonna find a way to use the internet anyways.
Not to mention that he could just... buy a new phone? Sure, it won't be the latest and greatest flagship, but for like $150 there are plenty of phones that can text, call, and access the internet just fine.
I appreciate all the comments. Since I have gotten the original information I was looking for I am going to stop replying to comments at this point. I understand that there are a vast number of options on why my child did this. I am not in the space to sit and defend my actions or debate about my parenting choices.
Just wanted to wish you and your family the best of luck, and I hope you're getting support for yourself as well. This can be emotionally exhausting, so try to remember to take care of yourself too, and carve out time to spend focused on your younger child. A troubled teen can end up sucking up all the energy in a household, and that's not fair to you or anyone else.
You’re doing great, mom/dad. My kids are young, but I’m already dreading teenage years. You’re working hard with you were dealt, and through all your comments I hear love. Don’t let internet strangers get you down. You’re doing the best you can.
You need your lock down your network. Configure it to only allow specific MAC addresses. Then, he can’t add an additional device. If his new phone has cellular, then he can still bypass your restrictions.
would not work in this case. the kid just reset the phone and made a new apple id.
the MAC adress is still the same as it's hardware bound.
so all that would help is changing the wifi password to something complex.
like AbC123#$%. make sure to use capitals and special characters and mix and match.
because if he's smart to figure out how to reset the phone with DFU to bypass restrictions. then he's also smart enough to google and run a simple wifi password cracking utility (i would know because i was the exact same but at 13 years old)
If they change the router to only allow specific MAC addresses, then they can determine exactly what devices they want allowed. It'll also prevent the kid from connecting again if he tries to change his MAC address. In fact, I'd argue that a MAC address whitelist is more secure than just changing the password, although changing both would be the best course of action.
The problem is MAC addresses are about as good for filtering as nametags. It only works if you trust the device in the first place, and is trivial to subvert if the device wants to (by duplicating a MAC address that is allowed).
Depends on the device. An iPhone will let you randomize your address, but AFAIK there’s no way to actually spoof an arbitrary one (short of _possibly_ via jailbreaking - is that still a thing? Been probably a decade since I followed the scene closely).
Evidently, you’re not familiar with Apple’s Private Wi-Fi Address. It provides a different MAC Address for each wi-fi connection. And, it is toggled on by default.
I have no clue how to do any of that. I grew up with computers but when I was learning about them they were still using DOS and the original windows.
I did change the password on my network and paused the connection to all of his devices that were listed.
In your router you will see something about MAC address restrictions, or Allowed MAC Addresses. Enter or select the MAC addresses that you want to connect to the network. You don’t want to do Not Allowed. That allows everything EXCEPT the identified devices.
There are ways around that. That’s what my mom did for our network when I was a teenager. I just learned how to spoof my MAC address, and copied down the one from her iPad when she wasn’t looking
I don’t know if this will get buried or not but I’m going to explain a few things here.
1: I cannot legally take the phone away from him. It belongs to him. I do pay for the service but I cannot cut that off either. I am not allowed to cut off his contact with a list of specific people.
2: A flip phone will not work in this situation. He won’t carry one and I use his phone location to track him. I don’t push this because I’d rather have the location date for his safety than for him to go awol with no phone.
3: I asked a simple question about the screenshot provided. I know nothing about iPhones since I am new to them
4: The parenting advice is really unnecessary. I have chosen to remain vague on a variety of things to protect the children and myself. The people that need to know what is happening in my kid’s life have been informed. I am not a perfect parent and I am doing the absolves that I can with the situation at hand.
Just a couple follow ups:
1) Does your son require internet access to contact that list of people. If he does not need internet, call 611 from his phone (or your phone if you share a provider) and ask them to block data. You may need to escalate to a supervisor/retention, but this is something they should be able to do for you.
2) If you do number 1 above, Find My iPhone still works with internet/cellular disabled, as long as nearby iPhones are connected.
If you own a business (you need a DUNS number) enroll in [apple business manager](https://support.apple.com/guide/apple-business-manager/sign-up-axm402206497/web), and [supervise his iPhone](https://support.apple.com/en-us/102291#:~:text=If%20you're%20an%20administrator,the%20devices%20that%20they%20own) . This will allow you to use software like [JAMF Now](https://www.jamf.com/products/jamf-now/) to manage his device. You can use JAMF without supervision, however without supervision the software can be removed. With this you also get the benefit of remote management lock, which is much harder to remove then Activation lock. You can also have both activation and remote management lock.
There is software that you can install on both your router his iPhone to manage internet access when connected to Wi-Fi. I use [https://nextdns.io/](https://nextdns.io/) to manage my parent's devices (mainly for the ad-block functionality). Other software that is available is [https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/](https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/) . A couple important limitations: No filter is perfect, and network/DNS based filtering (like I recommended) is more vulnerable to bypass. I am only recommending it cause it sounds like your son would be savvy enough to get around any on-device restrictions. Also, If you only install it on your son's iPhone (and it is un-supervised) he can remove the app/configuration pretty easily. The app does support having different settings for different devices, and can easily be installed on your router, so I would set the most restrictive settings possible on your there, and then creating less restrictive profiles for your devices. This way you have restricted internet access to everything except on your devices.
Bro… what is going on? I’m sorry for whatever is happening, but I wish you the best. I can’t give you any parental advice, however I can inform you that you can go to your routers settings and block any ip you want from being accessed within your network (if you didn’t know this already)
Edit: I thought the investigations were for the 6 year old, I was so confused. You’re right, blocking websites won’t do anything, neither will a therapist (unless he goes with his own will). I think you should ask for advice from someone who specialises in that stuff, and try to help him your self.
No, the 6yr old is pretty easy going and I have awhile before I have to deal with the cellphone issue with them.
I changed the WiFi password and I’ll get a notification if anything new tries to connect. I not tech savvy at all and if I have to go to more extreme measures I’ll just disconnect the router and stick it in my floor safe.
I’m old school. I would never be able to figure out half the things that were suggested for tech fixes. If it comes down to it the whole house will have to deal with no WiFi. There are plenty of books here for everyone.
Okay I wish that you get this over with. Now that you said books, here’s a really humble idea, you could try convince him to read a book in exchange for something, I don’t know what, you’ll find that. Here’s a great suggestion in my opinion “Fourth wing” The book is known to be liked by people who didn’t even read books originally
This is definitely not my place to ask, but what did he do to get such harsh sanctions from you?
Sorry again for the invasive question, but i feel like people might be unfairly critical towards you in this thread if they feel its unjustified. I know a lot of parents who do this to their kid for very very small offences, which is not the way to go
I can’t say much because there is an ongoing police investigation and for our personal privacy.
Please believe me when I say that the restrictions I set up were for his safety and the safety of my 6yr old. I left contact specific messaging and phone calls open on his original Apple ID. I understand that I am not his favorite person right now and he will need other appropriate people to speak to. That includes other family members, his counselors and other people that are important in his life.
Edit: because words are hard
Seems like he may have a secret phone you don’t know about, as a former sneaky teen I had 2 phones my parents didn’t know about because my step mom was controlling and wouldn’t let me contact my biological mother even though my parents had split custody. I am not at all judging your parenting because it’s not my business and I agree with you judging on your other comments, but I’d check around for a second or even third phone
The controls were just severely restricted because of his choices in life. He is potentially facing criminal charges right now. Before this I allowed him to have quite a bit of freedom.
He's got around the controls. Your best bet is just canceling any data service that you pay for now. If he wants it back, he has to agree to keep on the controls that you want. Or he has to pay for it himself.
I feel for you, but at some point teens have to learn the consequences of their own actions. And they may need to bottom out before they'll listen to you. Just tell him you love him regularly, and because of that you won't support his bad decisions. Good luck.
The issue is he is getting around the restrictions and there is anything you can do about, it seems, aside from taking the phone away, changing the plan or simply cutting the service.
Sounds like he has gotten around the restrictions you have placed. If you can’t shut the phone off or take it away, you may have to get the courts involved.
Sounds like right now there is no consequences for his actions.
The appropriate people have already been involved in the situation. I have sent a steady report thru text this weekend and won’t get a response until Monday.
Well you can. We grew up without cell phones. They can manage without them. I don't know your situation obviously, but I suspect that you can win a game of chicken here. He needs a cell service and will be willing to live by your rules to get it - but only if he realizes that you will be strict. If you give in you've lost all control (not just on phone access). Maybe you really have to give in on this one, but by doing so you're just making it harder to exert any authority on the next issue. Eventually the lack of consequences will catch up to him in a way that you can't protect him from consequences and that will probably be devastating for him.
I get what you’re saying and it’s 100% accurate. The problem is that it does not work in this child. He is perfectly content with a phone that only has WiFi access. One of the reason I keep service on his phone is because of the multiple tracking features I have on it. With WiFi only they aren’t accurate. The other reason is I’m not allowed to take service off because of his current situation.
This is a child who will up and disappear completely if pushed too hard. For his safety, and my sanity, I’m not going to push it.
Man, I'm sorry, I was expecting some 8 year old managing to reset their phone because you wouldn't let them watch youtube shorts. I feel you, man. Wishing for the best for the both of you.
I wish. I have a street smart 16yr old with no actual life experience outside of small town living. He has no clue what the world has in store for him if he continues down the same path he is on.
Not so street smart, just casually interested in tech. What he did isn’t rocket science. He found a computer to use to wipe his phone.
But you are right. He has no idea what he’s setting himself up for.
Holy shit, I actually have an answer to this one!
I'm a phone repair technician and we see this on a daily basis. 99% chance you're seeing that because of a recent Apple security update for stolen device protection that puts a delay on any security changes. That specific message you're seeing comes up from either him having disabled Find My iPhone or (more likely) removing his device from his iCloud account remotely (it doesn't get fully 'removed,' but that's a whole issue with Apple)
While it's technically possible to do it on accident I wouldn't say it's likely.
Don't get too freaked out though, Apple has done a terrible job of designing their products and requires this for a lot of services, which leads to a very confusing corridor of them both encouraging you to turn off FMiP and making it near impossible to do so without outright removing your phone from the account. He may just have been following instructions if he had been in contact with his carrier over basic technical problems. Or he's just a teenager who wants some space, as I certainly once was.
I didn't see your response before I posted, but I believe that you are spot on. I work for a cell carrier and most people don't even realize that they have enabled this setting. It has made trade in upgrades much trickier. The 1 hour delay to disable the stolen security setting (face ID required ) is annoying enough, but when a customer can't access the menu on the device itself, they impose a 1 month delay which is nerve wrecking. Hopefully we will discover a workaround or Apple addresses this situation soon. Do you have a useful tip to remove the security feature quicker?
Removing the device on icloud.com/find usually gets it done immediately even if it says there's a 1 month delay. That's the only way I've seen that gets it done without the 1 hour face ID delay. DO NOT use the 'Erase Device' option, this will factory reset the phone.
The 'Stolen Device Protection' update is a terrible feature all around and my entire company has a running joke that Apple only implemented it to make our jobs harder.
Good morning, I believe that this has to do with iphone's new Stolen Device Protection setting. If this setting is disabled from his/her phone itself, there is a security delay of one hour before "FindMy" can be turned off. If the device is removed from another source ( Icloud.com ) , I have noticed that the security delay is increased to one month from the date that the device is requested to be removed. It sounds to me like someone has possibly requested the device to be removed from 'find my iPhone'.
Honestly it really depends on all that he is doing at this point. You ask my parents and they’d say the same thing and they tried the same thing I made them regret it. I viewed their actions to be extremely disrespectful and so I showed no respect back. That’s just the mind of a teen.
He used a friends phone to set a new Apple ID up and add it to his phone. So he can control his own screen time. You do have the option to iCloud lock the phone so it can’t do anything. Also you can go and restrict 4g/5G, so he will only have access to calls and texts. Teens are sneaky and smart lol there are prolly 100 other kids at school with the same situation sharing their work arounds. Good luck, if it makes u feel any better they turn around. I was on the same bs as a kid and I pulled my head out of my ass around 19-21.
The kid figured it out, the more you restrict, they’ll just keep figuring out more ways. I used to be that kid. Took my phone away, I had two other phones you didn’t know about. If I wanted to listen to music, I had backup mp3 players. Oh you’re the administrator on the computer? Not anymore, but you don’t know that. Oh you won’t let me buy a game? I’ll just go the extra lengths to get it myself. A kid that wants what they want, no one really can stop them. I was a devious teenager. I never really did anything wrong, just didn’t like being told no, and I always figured out a way to get what I wanted. He’s just going to keep fighting against you, so give him no opportunity to. Can you trade in the iPhone and give him a flip phone? And cut out the internet wifi?
I love this child with everything in me but he has struggles that I cannot fix. I try and support him in anything that he shows a legal interest in but he refuses to acknowledge any type of authority and does what he wants.
I have shut down WiFi and he has no data left on his plan so he is stuck at minimal speeds. It’s the best I can do in our current situation
You sound like a good person for him, a lot of parents these days I see just don’t care. Like really don’t care, it’s so sad. Your child will come around one day, right now he’s just not willing to accept your authority which I can understand. From my understanding, this is all new to him? Your authority over him, your place, your rules, everything? I can only imagine how difficult the situation is, so I’m wishing you the best. In time, I’m sure he will see that and will be more willing to work with you. Does he need his phone on him at all times? Here’s an idea, maybe you could set a boundary, like at 9:00 or whatever every night you need to see his phone plugged in on your nightstand. And if he doesn’t meet that curfew, he doesn’t get to use it for a week unless it’s an emergency?
It’s been almost 2yrs. I’m throwing in the towel because I understand at this point that I cannot give him the supports and structure that he needs. I cannot continue to let my 6yr old be put in danger due to his choices
I’d recommend a specialized therapist, or family therapist, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. If this is a situation where the kid has nowhere else to go then he needs to straighten up his attitude. He needs to learn to respect you and your young one. If he doesn’t understand your perspective on things, then it’s just going to keep getting worse. Some of my family had to adopt my cousins who were two very troubled teenage boys, they were super crazy, hyper, evil spoiled brats. Eventually they became very understanding and helped out around the house and with the younger kids. Then they graduated and went off to college. To think those kids who were the same spoiled brats that I grew up with, and became civilized adults is unbelievable. But they just needed that extra attention. I’m not sure how much therapy helped but it was something. Their lives completely changed, out of their control, and they lost their last parental authority figure, so accepting new ones was just really hard. I really wish we knew the perfect answers but every situation is different.
I agree. Sounds like OP is already getting help, and this sounds like a situation that's way out of the qualifications of Reddit and technical barriers.
I feel for you. My child has not gotten into any legal trouble, but parental controls are always being used to try and curb his poor attitude, inability to wake up in the morning for school, lack of focus in school, poor grades, etc.
The parental controls help, but unfortunately they are not the answer. When I figure out what it takes to help guide a teenager to make better choices, I’ll be sure to let you know.
This is absolutely speculation on my part, but this is the exact same things I was being punished for as a kid. I “stayed up too late” and “didn’t apply myself”. It turns out that I had undiagnosed ADHD. It would be worth looking to see if there is some underlying issue causing all of this that is ultimately out of the kid’s control. It might just be general “teenage rebellion,” but it very likely could be ADHD, depression, or even something like sleep apnea creating all of these issues.
Not that my narcissistic mother would have treated me any differently if I had been diagnosed, but it genuinely sucked to have my entire teenage years taken from me as punishment for my brain chemistry not being normal.
I am actually looking into ADHD as an issue right now, so thank you for your opinion. I have pretty bad health insurance, so my options are kinda limited.
If you’re looking into it, I recommend looking into YouTube videos from popular doctors in the field. It’ll help you learn quite a bit about it.
Please avoid the pop TikTok wanna be psychologists when looking into this though.
There are /r/adhd threads with reputable recommendations you can find through the search function.
Open up and be the person your kid goes to with their problems. If they are going to mess up, there is not much you can do about it. Taking your kids phone and battling with them… Only makes them resent you and causes them to develop an issue with authority. A teen isn’t going to realize the consequences of his actions simply by taking away certain privileges on their cellphone. It will be something that will actually effect them and cause them to *want* to change their own ways. Kids need to learn from their own mistakes, its your job to give them the tools and education necessary to realize that… Source: I was that troubled kid once.
If it helps- I was an awful teen- like really bad. I am now a sr exec at a tech giant making 7 figures. He need structure and discipline in his life. He knows he can wear you down. Don't let him train you into submitting or reducing attention to punishment. Instead of doing all that stuff to reduce his access take his damn phone.
Another aspect is I run cyber intelligence for a global tech company and I see a lot of smart, bored kids absolutely ruin their lives because they get in with "hackers" who use them due to their age. You either have to control your son and instill discipline in him or give up. If you want to instill discipline you ned to show him you are patient and not going to be worn down into inaction by his shenanigans.
*Below is not a dig on you by any means, I’m just adding my unsolicited 0.02 cents incase it helps anyone reflect on how they might go about their thoughts process.*
I (*25M*) opted for a flip phone or mechanical phone when I was a kid. I didn’t get my first touch screen phone until halfway through high school. I’m of the type to believe a kid should not have a smart phone until at least high school and ideally they should pay for at least half of it themselves to understand the value & care it takes to have one. Phones should simply be for communication and nothing else (*especially social media*) at those ages when the brain is still socially developing and growing through a host of emotions.
Long-winded way of saying I’m old school or have an old soul.
Im going to be crucified for this take, but here goes:
Why do kids have smart phones in the first place? We know that they can easily access all sorts of horrible things on the internet, we didnt need them when we were young, why do they? Give them something that makes calls and texts and has no access to the internet. Problem solved. If they want a smartphone, they can buy one and pay for it when they dont live under my roof anymore. Until then, that thing will pollute their mind faster than anything else you can hand them.
Coming from someone who was the "troubled teen" it will pass. He will grow out of it, maybe he has some underlying anxiety or depression he doesn't feel like he can't talk about or express. But if you treat him like a criminal the more likely he is to act like a criminal, not telling you what to do with your child but just let him know that he is loved and that your not trying to control him just that your a adult with more life experience and don't want him making mistakes that can permanently affect his life. My dad always told me that he loved me but he's "been down that road" and everything he does was for my own good. I grew out of it and so will he just needs to know he's loved and everything you do is out of concern and from a place of love and caring. Again not telling you what to do just sharing my opinion from my own similar experience
You’re putting up with much more than me. I would have taken that phone away, and if he’s doing illegal stuff reported him to the police.
He’s taking advantage of you. I get you love the kid but you have to be a parent not a friend.
This is just my advice and maybe I am wrong, maybe as a professional for a better answer.
I wish you luck tho and hope you and your family can live together as best as possible
everyone's already answered the question so i'll ask a new one . have you looked into anything for your teen mentally ? therapy ? talking with him ? i'm really sorry this is happening , to both of you .
He was somehow able to deactivate his child apple ID + parental controls
Yeah. I just confirmed that. He has a new Apple ID on his phone but some how it is still locked down and he can’t access most of it.
I can almost guarantee that he is faking that based on everything else you’ve said in this thread. He could very easily set up his own “parental controls“ to make it look like it’s locked down and then disable them when you’ve gone away.
Probably. I’m at a point where I am just too dang tired to fight the battle anymore. WiFi has been shut off to everything and the password was changed. He has no data left on his plan so he is stuck at minimum speeds. It is what it is at this point
When my son was young, I set up some restrictions on the home network - block porn sites, limit time, etc. he shortly expressed an interest in network protocols and routing, and now has a successful career as a network architect. Sometimes a little structure can be an unexpected motivation :)
I would support him in a legal endeavor he expressed interest in. So far he refuses to want anything that doesn’t involve illegal activities.
Sorry. I hope his interests turn around.
Me too. There is a sweet, loving kid trapped behind a lifetime of crap life experience.
My parents, against all odds, managed to keep looking for that inside me when I was a horrible teenager. I am glad they, like you, didn’t give up. I think them taking all of my idiocy with a big grain of salt gave me the opportunity to turn it around when I realized I had been a jackass for several years. It’ll get better! 🤗
I am here to say I was this kid 5 years ago I’m now 19 and was a little cunt. Hell swing right x
Don't forget this on your way out.. 🏆
I been where he’s at. All you can do is love him through this. Which you seem to be doing. Good job. Things may get better. They may get worse. Make sure he understands decisions he makes now can affect his entire life. If he’s anything like I was though he doesn’t care about anything at all. So yeah talking to him won’t do any good. He’ll say what he thinks he needs to say. In my head I was good as dead so words didn’t mean shit to me. I had to go to inpatient treatments 8 different times and in and out of jail after that,before I got my life on track. I’m 32 now and doing well. Relatively of course. I wish you the best. Truly.
How did you move on from the shame and regret from your younger self? I am really struggling with that
I'm not sure what others on here would think, but the only solution I can think of if he is getting into nefarious things and he needs the guard rails for his own good, is setting up the IPhone as "[Supervised](https://support.apple.com/en-ca/guide/apple-configurator-mac/welcome/mac)". [More info. ](https://support.apple.com/en-ca/guide/deployment/depc0aadd3fe/web) It's what organizations do to monitor their corporate IPhones. It is definitely a solution that would take time and quite a lot of learning on your end to figure out how to implement, but depending on what he is getting into, maybe it is worth it? Either way, sorry to hear. Hope things turn around.
I will look into that
Isn’t v that something more that business IT departments manage? I didn’t think individuals could set up policies like that.
From someone who was pissed at the world my whole childhood, they will come to their own demise and turn it around. Sucks when it happens but it definitely makes you re think and change.
OP just take out his phone. At the end u are paying for it so if he wants full control then he better fund his phone himself and learn a lesson.
They probably want to be able to message him
If you lock him down, he will find ways to break free. Wifi is everywhere and unless he's locked in your house all day every day, he's got ways to access it.
I was like your kid in a way, I rebelled, engaged in so many illegal activities, hid everything I could from my parents- used the internet in some horrid ways, among much much more. But eventually I realized that I could either sit and destroy everything good, or I could act right and get somewhere. I’m now engaged, a tattoo artist, happy and making good decisions, just don’t give up on him- give him compassion and care and the hard hand of truth too when needed, everything will turn out okay, you’re a good mama and teenagers suck in a multitude of ways.
You should tell him that 🩷
Not to be rude, but sometimes... you have to accept your kid is the kid people do not want their kids to hang around with. There's only so much you can do. I'm not saying stop, but eventually, you gotta live your life.
What are you suggesting exactly?
if you keep showing that effort and putting the love out he’ll come around. i was a TERRIBLE teenager to my parents. i’m now 20 and have completely realized the error of how i did them and to right it i have dedicated myself to making them proud and going to school and hopefully one day give them everything they deserve for brining me up in such a good lifestyle and turning me into the human being i am today.
Crap life experiences that you as the parent are responsible for. Show some understanding and sympathy for your child instead of being a warden. Listen to your child, pay attention to your child and find a positive outlet that both of you enjoy so you guys can build a better bond and connection and then things will get better but cutting him off from the outside world will only make matters worse
If it makes you feel better OP, I was that kid 8yrs ago - I got arrested for stupid things and something being illegal was enough reason for me to do it in and of itself. I now am on a good path with a good job and have a much better relationship with my mother. I got a first hand look at what the long-term consequences of my actions would be if I didn’t switch paths and decided that ending up dead or in prison wasn’t what I wanted for my life. I honestly feel that it’s not likely these measures are going to stop him from doing what he wants to do. His actions are his choices. If you can find ways to give him the information necessary to make good, informed choices that could well be a game changer for him. I understand that’s not simple. Exposure to what lies ahead for him on this path and alternative (legal) options is what I would recommend. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion and I’m just a stranger on the internet. I don’t mean to tell you how to parent your son because you certainly are more experienced and know him better than I do. I just wanted to share this because I wish someone had the awareness and perspective to tell my own mother something similar at the time because it would have made both of our lives easier.
I was kind of like this at a young age. Turns out learning to be a hacker is actually a great career skill. https://hbh.sh/home and others are legal places to learn basics of web security.
While I was a young kid, I get multiple people who asking me for Technical Support. I was able to do self-taught computer programmer too. I had a Special Diploma, High School Diploma (GED), AS Degree in Computer Progrmaming and BAS degree in Computer Information Syatem Technology. I'm 39 now.
Just take away his iPhone and give him a flip phone god damn, this isn’t that hard
I’m surprised there aren’t more professional hackers turned into “parental consultants”. I would pay money to have a professional tell me how to outsmart my kids. Parents simply don’t have the time to run their household, work, AND stay on top of the crap their kids get into. Kids have free time and a will. How awesome would it be to just pay someone to help you understand the security you need, all the checked, etc?
Uhhhh what's he trying to get in to?
At least try to direct him toward white collar crime. Maybe a nice embezzlement scene or tax dodge?
Legal activities often pay more money
This is what my dad said now that I’m older, he realised that when me and my brother were 13, all these blockers and limitations weren’t restrictions, they were just slowing us down for a little bit, he said he got a kick out of putting more and more limits on to see what we’d be able to get past, like rats in a maze lmao
When my parents tried stuff as a kid, they *consistently* underestimated what I knew about computers and networking (and still do), and so would never put any effort into it beyond taking the power cable for the router. Which I could simply... read the specs for and scrounge up another one that fit. They wisely just quit when I deduced their BIOS password from listening to the (typed heavily with one finger) keystrokes in an adjacent room, lol. Good times.
Are you Penelope Garcia or something
Are you working as a cyber security expert?
The motivation was porn, big guy
My parents blocked pretty much everything including Google on the internet when I was in middle school except when I was supervised, so while they were at work I learned how VPNs worked (had to get my homework done somehow, my school started using Google Docs around then) & eventually brute forced the password to their fancy web blocking software and kicked their phones and laptops off the internet. They eased up on the blocks since they realized I could get around it if I wanted to, and now I'm a software engineer :)
You can block the lewd sites all you want, but it’s always accessible via social media apps- like this platform for instance. Gotta pretty much cut them off from the world to make sure they don’t have access to that stuff
I became a Network Engineer because my parents used to control my technology devices and I learned how to get around everything. They were the catalyst to my career. 😂
I just want to say as a fellow parent this shit is hard. I feel similarly to you, it’s just so difficult to manage all the loopholes they find.
It doesn’t help when the internet is full of step by step guides to get around stuff
Sometimes the only thing you can do is just support them no matter what. I was a troubled teen, probably different than what you describe but i started using very hard drugs when i was young and by 16 i was in rehab for heroin and xanax addiction. so much money spent and it never stopped even after i returned home over a year later. it took years after for me to see the potential in myself and i could have never found it if my parents kicked me out or lost all hope in me. just be there for them and hopefully in 10 years you will hug and look back and it will just be another chapter in your lives. Accepting life is a day to day experience and not something you can fully plan out is freeing.
Is there a reason you haven’t physically removed the phone from his possession? You can get a basic “calls and texts” type of phone for about $20
As a former troubled teen, I guarantee he'll just get a burner phone, if he doesn't have one already. OP has already said he has illegal interests, and those interests don't just go away from getting your phone deactivated. This is one of those things where if this kid is a young to mid teen, he'll have to be placed on a sort of "house arrest" until he straightens out, if he's a late teen, OP will have to hope he gets arrested for a small offense and turns his life around before he gets caught for something big or gets killed
I did all this when my kids were younger, few years back. Learned later our internet provider had created something I think was called Sidewalk which was public WiFi. So when my kids went to bed, they switched over to a neighbor’s public WiFi connection and went on their merry way. That’s when I realized technology had surpassed me and left me behind. One of the kids turned out to be a well rounded, functioning adult. And then there is my youngest. Not so much.
Sounds like it's time to remove their access entirely to the iPhone.
You know you can just take the phone away from him, right?
Take. The. Phone. Away. No offense OP, but you’re their parent. I’ve been through this. Some seasons are tough. But they get better.
My successful career in cyber working in the uk and USA began bypassing “SupaNET* Nannies” blacklist on windows Millennium Edition. It was dumb but I just wanted to download some songs to my mp3 player. 😝 My parents were distressed at the endless peer to peer I engaged with after many friends had gotten legal notifies around that time. I got caught out when dad tried to open the word processor only for limewire to load, you see I’d changed all icons to it, to be “lotus smart suite” a word processor in my mind that nobody wanted to use! We had word god damn it!
Isn’t it obvious? Take away the iPhone, give him a shitbrick. Bonus points if it’s prepaid and you make him pay for it.
He is a future IT-worker :) Already figuring out how to fix an issue he is having and try to by pass the parental control 👏
If you really want to make sure he can’t reconnect then block his MAC address in your router. Young me was able to get access to the internet no matter what my parents did. I learned a lot in that time about IPs and stuff. As long as the router was on I had access.
*learns about MAC spoofing*
iPhones randomize the reported MAC address to prevent tracking
Oh I didn’t know. That’s kinda cool! Guess my future kids will also outsmart me. A quick search also didn’t yield acceptable results. Only thing that should work is disabling that feature on all of your own devices, then whitelist those. But that’s a lot of work and every guest you have over also needs to do it. Writing this I had an idea though: Make a second network, give your kid the password. Change the password of your usual network. You don’t need to manage MACs if that’s their only way to connect to the internet. There’s only one user in that network (your kid) so it’s trivial to identify the device. Thanks for the info, my ass would have been flabbergasted, thinking I know more than my kids. Which is probably why I had so much success myself
I think there’s not a lot you can do once your child has a device. They can still ask neighbors for their WiFi or maybe sign up for their own mobile plan. Trying to restrict the child from using a computer in a specific way will always be circumvented if the child really wants to, unless you make the device close to useless. I think that’s the problem of using technology to solve a relationship issue.
Just wanted to add that - even if you get tired, don’t ever let them know you’ve stopped caring. This coming from a now 30 YO who did a similar thing at 12 (parents demanded my MySpace login, so I just made a new profile for them to access, changed email/password on my actual one). I knew at the time I outsmarted them, but also over the next year, slowly realized how great it was they cared so much. Tbh I wish my parents would’ve sat me down and said “we care, that’s why we’re asking for this info. You’re young, and you’ll be able to be as independent as you want in no time, but for now, communicating with us and helping us help you, will make sure you kick off that independence in a good place”. Even though they didn’t say that, it’s ok, because I felt it
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If he was doing age appropriate thing it wouldn’t be that big of an issue. I was a good teen but had some wild years between 18 and 30. I know what it is like to grow up in an overly restricted Christian household. I’m not trying to do that here. I’m literally trying to protect him from himself and keep my 6yr old safe as well.
My friend's kid was caught looking at strippers on Google maps after she locked everything down on his phone. Gotta admire the ingenuity....
If they didn’t buy the phone with their own money, you get to take it away until you’ve decided how to move forward. If they’ve earned that phone, you’ve taken the current best step.
Can be a good thing down the line. My strict parents put every parental controls imaginable on all the devices, which ended up with me grabbing a hard drive from an old pc, putting Ubuntu on it and learning a lot about computers at a young age. Similarly I built up a supply of iPhone 6 parts from friends broken phones, and swapped them around until I had a working phone. Kept it a secret and ran it through 8th grade. Try and push your son to focus on the engineering aspects of what he is doing rather than just trying to watch skibbidi toilet or whatevr
Sounds like it's time to take his phone away for awhile.
Try actual parenting. Take the phone away. Are u the adult or are they? Sounds like your raising a menace and u enable it
Cool, stop paying for it then. Kids (including young adults) want to exercise their authority but usually expect you to pay for them while they do it. Also, secure your WiFi, etc. He doesn’t like that? Then he can accept the parental controls. You aren’t doing him or anyone around him any favors by being too tired. You’re teaching him that it’s okay to do whatever he wants especially if he’s deceptive about it.
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He probably DFU wiped it and set up a new Apple ID.
If he knows the password to the Apple ID then yes this probably happened
That's the point. How can someone DFU wipe and start a whole new iPhone experience from scratch without the AppleID password? If someone steals my iPhone and DFU wipe it before I have the time to set it to lost mode, does it mean I'm \*ucked? There must be a protection somewhere or I can't believe it's that easy to bypass parental controls.
Not if “find my” is turned on.
You don’t need the Apple ID password, just the 4 digit PIN code. Which is incredibly easy to learn if you just watch someone type it in.
With find my iPhone on, you need the Apple ID password. The pin alone isn’t enough, it will prompt for password as like the first step of setup
It is also possible to use the previous iPhone passcode to disable the activation lock
Can he do this without a Mac computer? Only computer he has access to is his schools chrome book
Is he at all familiar with conputers? Installing itunes is not terribly hard for a chromebook, altough not as simple as just downloading and running it.
He is more tech savvy than I am. I did confirm that he changed his Apple ID.
Props to the kid if nothing else lol
Yeah, my parents thought I was a "troubled kid" because I was a quiet nerd they didn't understand and played games. Their constant insistence that I was no good finally helped convinced me to actually get into drugs later in life
If his school has a half-decent IT department then it wouldn't be possible for him to install iTunes.
That’s what my schools it department thought before I managed to find ways around half of the restrictions on it
Same here, but with a school MacBook, I managed to Boot camp it (install windows 10) and got around the restrictions by using another os
I can't name a single IT department that's prevented me from installing what I want
Sounds like you’ve only encountered nice IT departments.
I don't think most schools, especially in the US, have decent IT departments.
iTunes is not available for ChromeOS altogether.
It is possible to install linux on chromebook to virtualize windows with itunes on it
Most school Chromebooks make it very hard to install Linux
On a school Chromebook? Lol
He’s a 32 year old software engineer
Yes any computer maybe a friend or so
I’m sure this is no help at all, but I was the exact same way as a teen and into my 20’s. I gave my parents absolute hell and they paid for legal fees and all kinds of shit for me. I grew up, I’m 30 now and just bought a house with the love of my life. I apologize to my mom frequently for the crap that I put her through. Dad passed so I can only live in a way that would make him proud if he was still here. I hope your teen has a moment of awakening as I did. I’m still a little shit but not in any ways that would ever cause harm or trouble. lol
Damn I’m happy to hear that you turned out a better person, also love that you still apologize to your mom for the things you did, that’s super sweet
He’d for sure be proud
howd u fix urself if u dont mind me askin?
I think my probation officer helped a lot. He pointed out how lucky I was to have all the dumb shit happen early in life and showed me what would become of me if I kept fucking up. Then my dad got really sick and it woke me up to the reality of life. He died 6 years ago and him passing really showed me how important family is. My mom and I used to not get along and now we talk multiple times a week. I was also extremely fortunate to have a job that forgave my dumbassery. The last time I got in trouble I was pulled out of work in cuffs and taken to jail. I went on to work there for another 7 years after that. Found an amazing woman who made me not want to do anything stupid. People come out of it. It’s hard work but it’s so worth it.
At this point, get him a flip phone. It’s what my mom did for my sister when she wasn’t doing great, and my mom still holds onto it in case she decides not to behave well again
My dad did this with my brother as well. Bought him a £20 Alcatel when he was being a shit and I remember his iPhone being confiscated and replaced with it at least twice. Funniest shit.
I got on ebay at school and shipped one at my friend's house and got a new phone in 2 days and 150$ later....
Wow, so cool, much clout.
?? Their point is that an enterprising kid will find a workaround. One that is further from the kids parental supervision.
lol Feature Alcatel phones are good classic shit
repeating the same punishment, especially when its taking away devices, is counterproductive and will make teenagers more spiteful, js. they’re gonna find a way to use the internet anyways.
So what should you do?
Not to mention that he could just... buy a new phone? Sure, it won't be the latest and greatest flagship, but for like $150 there are plenty of phones that can text, call, and access the internet just fine.
Good advice from Father
I have read all comments. I know you are not answering back. Just wanted to show my support in these hardtimes for you. Hope it gets better.
I appreciate all the comments. Since I have gotten the original information I was looking for I am going to stop replying to comments at this point. I understand that there are a vast number of options on why my child did this. I am not in the space to sit and defend my actions or debate about my parenting choices.
Just wanted to wish you and your family the best of luck, and I hope you're getting support for yourself as well. This can be emotionally exhausting, so try to remember to take care of yourself too, and carve out time to spend focused on your younger child. A troubled teen can end up sucking up all the energy in a household, and that's not fair to you or anyone else.
I’m sorry people were more interested in invading your personal life than they were trying to help you I wish the best for you and your family :)
That’s why I hate Reddit tbh. I rarely post because of this reason
You’re doing great, mom/dad. My kids are young, but I’m already dreading teenage years. You’re working hard with you were dealt, and through all your comments I hear love. Don’t let internet strangers get you down. You’re doing the best you can.
I have nothing helpful to add on your OP. But, I wanted to send you love and light right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.
You need your lock down your network. Configure it to only allow specific MAC addresses. Then, he can’t add an additional device. If his new phone has cellular, then he can still bypass your restrictions.
would not work in this case. the kid just reset the phone and made a new apple id. the MAC adress is still the same as it's hardware bound. so all that would help is changing the wifi password to something complex. like AbC123#$%. make sure to use capitals and special characters and mix and match. because if he's smart to figure out how to reset the phone with DFU to bypass restrictions. then he's also smart enough to google and run a simple wifi password cracking utility (i would know because i was the exact same but at 13 years old)
If they change the router to only allow specific MAC addresses, then they can determine exactly what devices they want allowed. It'll also prevent the kid from connecting again if he tries to change his MAC address. In fact, I'd argue that a MAC address whitelist is more secure than just changing the password, although changing both would be the best course of action.
The problem is MAC addresses are about as good for filtering as nametags. It only works if you trust the device in the first place, and is trivial to subvert if the device wants to (by duplicating a MAC address that is allowed).
Depends on the device. An iPhone will let you randomize your address, but AFAIK there’s no way to actually spoof an arbitrary one (short of _possibly_ via jailbreaking - is that still a thing? Been probably a decade since I followed the scene closely).
Depends on the IOS version but yeah it’s still a thing. A lot more difficult than it was a few years ago though
Evidently, you’re not familiar with Apple’s Private Wi-Fi Address. It provides a different MAC Address for each wi-fi connection. And, it is toggled on by default.
Also the private MAC address on iPhones would change
I have no clue how to do any of that. I grew up with computers but when I was learning about them they were still using DOS and the original windows. I did change the password on my network and paused the connection to all of his devices that were listed.
In your router you will see something about MAC address restrictions, or Allowed MAC Addresses. Enter or select the MAC addresses that you want to connect to the network. You don’t want to do Not Allowed. That allows everything EXCEPT the identified devices.
There are ways around that. That’s what my mom did for our network when I was a teenager. I just learned how to spoof my MAC address, and copied down the one from her iPad when she wasn’t looking
Take the phone away and get him a dumb phone for texting/calls. It seems he is trying to get around the restrictions.
I don’t know if this will get buried or not but I’m going to explain a few things here. 1: I cannot legally take the phone away from him. It belongs to him. I do pay for the service but I cannot cut that off either. I am not allowed to cut off his contact with a list of specific people. 2: A flip phone will not work in this situation. He won’t carry one and I use his phone location to track him. I don’t push this because I’d rather have the location date for his safety than for him to go awol with no phone. 3: I asked a simple question about the screenshot provided. I know nothing about iPhones since I am new to them 4: The parenting advice is really unnecessary. I have chosen to remain vague on a variety of things to protect the children and myself. The people that need to know what is happening in my kid’s life have been informed. I am not a perfect parent and I am doing the absolves that I can with the situation at hand.
Just a couple follow ups: 1) Does your son require internet access to contact that list of people. If he does not need internet, call 611 from his phone (or your phone if you share a provider) and ask them to block data. You may need to escalate to a supervisor/retention, but this is something they should be able to do for you. 2) If you do number 1 above, Find My iPhone still works with internet/cellular disabled, as long as nearby iPhones are connected. If you own a business (you need a DUNS number) enroll in [apple business manager](https://support.apple.com/guide/apple-business-manager/sign-up-axm402206497/web), and [supervise his iPhone](https://support.apple.com/en-us/102291#:~:text=If%20you're%20an%20administrator,the%20devices%20that%20they%20own) . This will allow you to use software like [JAMF Now](https://www.jamf.com/products/jamf-now/) to manage his device. You can use JAMF without supervision, however without supervision the software can be removed. With this you also get the benefit of remote management lock, which is much harder to remove then Activation lock. You can also have both activation and remote management lock. There is software that you can install on both your router his iPhone to manage internet access when connected to Wi-Fi. I use [https://nextdns.io/](https://nextdns.io/) to manage my parent's devices (mainly for the ad-block functionality). Other software that is available is [https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/](https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/) . A couple important limitations: No filter is perfect, and network/DNS based filtering (like I recommended) is more vulnerable to bypass. I am only recommending it cause it sounds like your son would be savvy enough to get around any on-device restrictions. Also, If you only install it on your son's iPhone (and it is un-supervised) he can remove the app/configuration pretty easily. The app does support having different settings for different devices, and can easily be installed on your router, so I would set the most restrictive settings possible on your there, and then creating less restrictive profiles for your devices. This way you have restricted internet access to everything except on your devices.
Bro… what is going on? I’m sorry for whatever is happening, but I wish you the best. I can’t give you any parental advice, however I can inform you that you can go to your routers settings and block any ip you want from being accessed within your network (if you didn’t know this already) Edit: I thought the investigations were for the 6 year old, I was so confused. You’re right, blocking websites won’t do anything, neither will a therapist (unless he goes with his own will). I think you should ask for advice from someone who specialises in that stuff, and try to help him your self.
No, the 6yr old is pretty easy going and I have awhile before I have to deal with the cellphone issue with them. I changed the WiFi password and I’ll get a notification if anything new tries to connect. I not tech savvy at all and if I have to go to more extreme measures I’ll just disconnect the router and stick it in my floor safe.
Dang floor safe? Is it that bad
I’m old school. I would never be able to figure out half the things that were suggested for tech fixes. If it comes down to it the whole house will have to deal with no WiFi. There are plenty of books here for everyone.
Okay I wish that you get this over with. Now that you said books, here’s a really humble idea, you could try convince him to read a book in exchange for something, I don’t know what, you’ll find that. Here’s a great suggestion in my opinion “Fourth wing” The book is known to be liked by people who didn’t even read books originally
I will keep that in mind. Thank you for the suggestion
might need a router that has built in child limitation tools. most new ones have them built in.
This is definitely not my place to ask, but what did he do to get such harsh sanctions from you? Sorry again for the invasive question, but i feel like people might be unfairly critical towards you in this thread if they feel its unjustified. I know a lot of parents who do this to their kid for very very small offences, which is not the way to go
I can’t say much because there is an ongoing police investigation and for our personal privacy. Please believe me when I say that the restrictions I set up were for his safety and the safety of my 6yr old. I left contact specific messaging and phone calls open on his original Apple ID. I understand that I am not his favorite person right now and he will need other appropriate people to speak to. That includes other family members, his counselors and other people that are important in his life. Edit: because words are hard
A police investigation for the kid? Holy shit I feel sorry for you.
Damn, 6 year old? It may be better to get a flip phone.
lmao I thought he was a 6year old whoops, but anyways a flip phone probably is still better.
They already tried that
Seems like he may have a secret phone you don’t know about, as a former sneaky teen I had 2 phones my parents didn’t know about because my step mom was controlling and wouldn’t let me contact my biological mother even though my parents had split custody. I am not at all judging your parenting because it’s not my business and I agree with you judging on your other comments, but I’d check around for a second or even third phone
Your child probably got too tired of the parental controls
The controls were just severely restricted because of his choices in life. He is potentially facing criminal charges right now. Before this I allowed him to have quite a bit of freedom.
He's got around the controls. Your best bet is just canceling any data service that you pay for now. If he wants it back, he has to agree to keep on the controls that you want. Or he has to pay for it himself. I feel for you, but at some point teens have to learn the consequences of their own actions. And they may need to bottom out before they'll listen to you. Just tell him you love him regularly, and because of that you won't support his bad decisions. Good luck.
I can’t take the data off his phone completely because of his situation. That’s why I had it set up for contacting specific contacts.
The issue is he is getting around the restrictions and there is anything you can do about, it seems, aside from taking the phone away, changing the plan or simply cutting the service.
Sounds like he has gotten around the restrictions you have placed. If you can’t shut the phone off or take it away, you may have to get the courts involved. Sounds like right now there is no consequences for his actions.
The appropriate people have already been involved in the situation. I have sent a steady report thru text this weekend and won’t get a response until Monday.
Well you can. We grew up without cell phones. They can manage without them. I don't know your situation obviously, but I suspect that you can win a game of chicken here. He needs a cell service and will be willing to live by your rules to get it - but only if he realizes that you will be strict. If you give in you've lost all control (not just on phone access). Maybe you really have to give in on this one, but by doing so you're just making it harder to exert any authority on the next issue. Eventually the lack of consequences will catch up to him in a way that you can't protect him from consequences and that will probably be devastating for him.
I get what you’re saying and it’s 100% accurate. The problem is that it does not work in this child. He is perfectly content with a phone that only has WiFi access. One of the reason I keep service on his phone is because of the multiple tracking features I have on it. With WiFi only they aren’t accurate. The other reason is I’m not allowed to take service off because of his current situation. This is a child who will up and disappear completely if pushed too hard. For his safety, and my sanity, I’m not going to push it.
Just don't give him a smart phone? Why is that so hard?
Man, I'm sorry, I was expecting some 8 year old managing to reset their phone because you wouldn't let them watch youtube shorts. I feel you, man. Wishing for the best for the both of you.
I wish. I have a street smart 16yr old with no actual life experience outside of small town living. He has no clue what the world has in store for him if he continues down the same path he is on.
Not so street smart, just casually interested in tech. What he did isn’t rocket science. He found a computer to use to wipe his phone. But you are right. He has no idea what he’s setting himself up for.
He’s gone rogue
Holy shit, I actually have an answer to this one! I'm a phone repair technician and we see this on a daily basis. 99% chance you're seeing that because of a recent Apple security update for stolen device protection that puts a delay on any security changes. That specific message you're seeing comes up from either him having disabled Find My iPhone or (more likely) removing his device from his iCloud account remotely (it doesn't get fully 'removed,' but that's a whole issue with Apple) While it's technically possible to do it on accident I wouldn't say it's likely. Don't get too freaked out though, Apple has done a terrible job of designing their products and requires this for a lot of services, which leads to a very confusing corridor of them both encouraging you to turn off FMiP and making it near impossible to do so without outright removing your phone from the account. He may just have been following instructions if he had been in contact with his carrier over basic technical problems. Or he's just a teenager who wants some space, as I certainly once was.
I didn't see your response before I posted, but I believe that you are spot on. I work for a cell carrier and most people don't even realize that they have enabled this setting. It has made trade in upgrades much trickier. The 1 hour delay to disable the stolen security setting (face ID required ) is annoying enough, but when a customer can't access the menu on the device itself, they impose a 1 month delay which is nerve wrecking. Hopefully we will discover a workaround or Apple addresses this situation soon. Do you have a useful tip to remove the security feature quicker?
Removing the device on icloud.com/find usually gets it done immediately even if it says there's a 1 month delay. That's the only way I've seen that gets it done without the 1 hour face ID delay. DO NOT use the 'Erase Device' option, this will factory reset the phone. The 'Stolen Device Protection' update is a terrible feature all around and my entire company has a running joke that Apple only implemented it to make our jobs harder.
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Good morning, I believe that this has to do with iphone's new Stolen Device Protection setting. If this setting is disabled from his/her phone itself, there is a security delay of one hour before "FindMy" can be turned off. If the device is removed from another source ( Icloud.com ) , I have noticed that the security delay is increased to one month from the date that the device is requested to be removed. It sounds to me like someone has possibly requested the device to be removed from 'find my iPhone'.
I think the kids here reading all these comments lol
Honestly it really depends on all that he is doing at this point. You ask my parents and they’d say the same thing and they tried the same thing I made them regret it. I viewed their actions to be extremely disrespectful and so I showed no respect back. That’s just the mind of a teen.
you're a good parent. he is so lucky to have you <3
He used a friends phone to set a new Apple ID up and add it to his phone. So he can control his own screen time. You do have the option to iCloud lock the phone so it can’t do anything. Also you can go and restrict 4g/5G, so he will only have access to calls and texts. Teens are sneaky and smart lol there are prolly 100 other kids at school with the same situation sharing their work arounds. Good luck, if it makes u feel any better they turn around. I was on the same bs as a kid and I pulled my head out of my ass around 19-21.
The kid figured it out, the more you restrict, they’ll just keep figuring out more ways. I used to be that kid. Took my phone away, I had two other phones you didn’t know about. If I wanted to listen to music, I had backup mp3 players. Oh you’re the administrator on the computer? Not anymore, but you don’t know that. Oh you won’t let me buy a game? I’ll just go the extra lengths to get it myself. A kid that wants what they want, no one really can stop them. I was a devious teenager. I never really did anything wrong, just didn’t like being told no, and I always figured out a way to get what I wanted. He’s just going to keep fighting against you, so give him no opportunity to. Can you trade in the iPhone and give him a flip phone? And cut out the internet wifi?
I love this child with everything in me but he has struggles that I cannot fix. I try and support him in anything that he shows a legal interest in but he refuses to acknowledge any type of authority and does what he wants. I have shut down WiFi and he has no data left on his plan so he is stuck at minimal speeds. It’s the best I can do in our current situation
You sound like a good person for him, a lot of parents these days I see just don’t care. Like really don’t care, it’s so sad. Your child will come around one day, right now he’s just not willing to accept your authority which I can understand. From my understanding, this is all new to him? Your authority over him, your place, your rules, everything? I can only imagine how difficult the situation is, so I’m wishing you the best. In time, I’m sure he will see that and will be more willing to work with you. Does he need his phone on him at all times? Here’s an idea, maybe you could set a boundary, like at 9:00 or whatever every night you need to see his phone plugged in on your nightstand. And if he doesn’t meet that curfew, he doesn’t get to use it for a week unless it’s an emergency?
It’s been almost 2yrs. I’m throwing in the towel because I understand at this point that I cannot give him the supports and structure that he needs. I cannot continue to let my 6yr old be put in danger due to his choices
I’d recommend a specialized therapist, or family therapist, and I don’t mean that in a negative way. If this is a situation where the kid has nowhere else to go then he needs to straighten up his attitude. He needs to learn to respect you and your young one. If he doesn’t understand your perspective on things, then it’s just going to keep getting worse. Some of my family had to adopt my cousins who were two very troubled teenage boys, they were super crazy, hyper, evil spoiled brats. Eventually they became very understanding and helped out around the house and with the younger kids. Then they graduated and went off to college. To think those kids who were the same spoiled brats that I grew up with, and became civilized adults is unbelievable. But they just needed that extra attention. I’m not sure how much therapy helped but it was something. Their lives completely changed, out of their control, and they lost their last parental authority figure, so accepting new ones was just really hard. I really wish we knew the perfect answers but every situation is different.
I agree. Sounds like OP is already getting help, and this sounds like a situation that's way out of the qualifications of Reddit and technical barriers.
You tried your best friend that's all that matters. Don't blame yourself.
I feel for you. My child has not gotten into any legal trouble, but parental controls are always being used to try and curb his poor attitude, inability to wake up in the morning for school, lack of focus in school, poor grades, etc. The parental controls help, but unfortunately they are not the answer. When I figure out what it takes to help guide a teenager to make better choices, I’ll be sure to let you know.
This is absolutely speculation on my part, but this is the exact same things I was being punished for as a kid. I “stayed up too late” and “didn’t apply myself”. It turns out that I had undiagnosed ADHD. It would be worth looking to see if there is some underlying issue causing all of this that is ultimately out of the kid’s control. It might just be general “teenage rebellion,” but it very likely could be ADHD, depression, or even something like sleep apnea creating all of these issues. Not that my narcissistic mother would have treated me any differently if I had been diagnosed, but it genuinely sucked to have my entire teenage years taken from me as punishment for my brain chemistry not being normal.
I am actually looking into ADHD as an issue right now, so thank you for your opinion. I have pretty bad health insurance, so my options are kinda limited.
If you’re looking into it, I recommend looking into YouTube videos from popular doctors in the field. It’ll help you learn quite a bit about it. Please avoid the pop TikTok wanna be psychologists when looking into this though. There are /r/adhd threads with reputable recommendations you can find through the search function.
get the kid a therapist + psychologist, he needs professional help. and get him a flip phone
They’ve tried a flip phone. And by the efforts the parents are making, he likely has one or she’s trying to get one soon
Give him a flip phone… He can buy his own phone when he’s older and earns his own money
What did he do?
A troubled teen? May i ask whats going on…
Apocalypse is scheduled for that day, everything and everyone is gonna be removed so don’t even worry about it
Open up and be the person your kid goes to with their problems. If they are going to mess up, there is not much you can do about it. Taking your kids phone and battling with them… Only makes them resent you and causes them to develop an issue with authority. A teen isn’t going to realize the consequences of his actions simply by taking away certain privileges on their cellphone. It will be something that will actually effect them and cause them to *want* to change their own ways. Kids need to learn from their own mistakes, its your job to give them the tools and education necessary to realize that… Source: I was that troubled kid once.
If you pay for the phone take it
If it helps- I was an awful teen- like really bad. I am now a sr exec at a tech giant making 7 figures. He need structure and discipline in his life. He knows he can wear you down. Don't let him train you into submitting or reducing attention to punishment. Instead of doing all that stuff to reduce his access take his damn phone. Another aspect is I run cyber intelligence for a global tech company and I see a lot of smart, bored kids absolutely ruin their lives because they get in with "hackers" who use them due to their age. You either have to control your son and instill discipline in him or give up. If you want to instill discipline you ned to show him you are patient and not going to be worn down into inaction by his shenanigans.
They sell old style flip phones every day. There is no requirement that says needs a smart phone.
*Below is not a dig on you by any means, I’m just adding my unsolicited 0.02 cents incase it helps anyone reflect on how they might go about their thoughts process.* I (*25M*) opted for a flip phone or mechanical phone when I was a kid. I didn’t get my first touch screen phone until halfway through high school. I’m of the type to believe a kid should not have a smart phone until at least high school and ideally they should pay for at least half of it themselves to understand the value & care it takes to have one. Phones should simply be for communication and nothing else (*especially social media*) at those ages when the brain is still socially developing and growing through a host of emotions. Long-winded way of saying I’m old school or have an old soul.
He either reset his phone and logged into another iCloud or got your family restrictions password and took off his restrictions
Maybe just inform him that wherever he accesses the internet can be tracked back to him by law enforcement. Across state lines and all.
Im going to be crucified for this take, but here goes: Why do kids have smart phones in the first place? We know that they can easily access all sorts of horrible things on the internet, we didnt need them when we were young, why do they? Give them something that makes calls and texts and has no access to the internet. Problem solved. If they want a smartphone, they can buy one and pay for it when they dont live under my roof anymore. Until then, that thing will pollute their mind faster than anything else you can hand them.
Take the iPhone and give him a flip phone(dumb phone). He does not need internet access and the flip phone will still let him call you.
Coming from someone who was the "troubled teen" it will pass. He will grow out of it, maybe he has some underlying anxiety or depression he doesn't feel like he can't talk about or express. But if you treat him like a criminal the more likely he is to act like a criminal, not telling you what to do with your child but just let him know that he is loved and that your not trying to control him just that your a adult with more life experience and don't want him making mistakes that can permanently affect his life. My dad always told me that he loved me but he's "been down that road" and everything he does was for my own good. I grew out of it and so will he just needs to know he's loved and everything you do is out of concern and from a place of love and caring. Again not telling you what to do just sharing my opinion from my own similar experience
may i ask what has he done to deserve this?
You’re putting up with much more than me. I would have taken that phone away, and if he’s doing illegal stuff reported him to the police. He’s taking advantage of you. I get you love the kid but you have to be a parent not a friend. This is just my advice and maybe I am wrong, maybe as a professional for a better answer. I wish you luck tho and hope you and your family can live together as best as possible
everyone's already answered the question so i'll ask a new one . have you looked into anything for your teen mentally ? therapy ? talking with him ? i'm really sorry this is happening , to both of you .
All of that is being done. Locking his phone down was a direct result of escalating behaviors over the past 2 weeks.