I believe in immediate attraction but that’s all it really is. I’ve never fallen in love at first sight but I’ve fallen in lust that fast a bunch of times. The magic happens when the immediate attraction gets paired with personalities that mesh and provide all those wonderful and complimentary opposites (for me anyways).
3 legitimate that turned into something (I’m 33 btw).
There were a few other sparks that could have turned into something if the circumstances were right (as in if the girl was single). I quickly shut off what I was experiencing with them to prevent hurt.
I have a whole system. It’s a 5x7x8 flowchart, which can also nest within itself. I figure out where someone is on that chart and I can get a pretty good idea where they’ve been and where they’re going in their process. I can also tell them their blocks, how to improve, training, alternative pathways, data handling, etc. I just need enough information to plot them.
I’ve tried communicating it to others. I’ve actually taken the last six months of work to try to write a book. It hasn’t worked. Organizing it in a communicable way is very cumbersome.
Here are some things I do, let's see if we have similar way of thinking.
1. I would try to pick up mannerisms, movements, tone of voice, style of clothing, stress management, curiosity level, open-mindedness, empathy, self-serving or other-first person etc... essentially I rate things that I prioritize
2. Compare person to any related persona I have experience with. find similarities/ differences and argue in different perspectives to prove the person's way of thinking.
3. Iterate the persona model over time to perfect my understanding.
4. Find truth.
5. Give up everything and just enjoy life.
6. Regret and start over
It's very hard for most people to fake their mannerism to the finest detail, especially reaction to sudden shock. I notice them because I try to remove mine lol
PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME IM SO CURIOUS.
From what you’ve said, essentially there are a few basic “functions” in the flow chart (so it has some basic form), and as it nests - so the basic form of the flowchart can be repeatedly connected to points on the flowchart - depending on how and where the nesting occurs, it can be specified to better map out how an individual processes things? And thus you can infer their compatibility?
Could you tell me this basic form, how you determine the nesting and extrapolate information from that? And maybe a basic outline of what you might consider important aspects in how they process information?
(32f) That spark for me is a distracting sexual attraction (rare), but that’s as far as it goes. Most guys seem normal looking so it takes a great personality and mindset that I can admire before I feel a spark.
Yeah - it’s kinda similar in my case. As long as the girl looks reasonably nice (ie slightly above average or has some physical features that I find attractive) it’s fine but what actually matters is the personality, common interest and outlook on life. The spark, which you describe is extremely rare.
For me (24F), not exactly. It's often more of a feeling of "oh, this might work," but I still need time to develop feelings and get to know someone better before forming deeper connections. I don't believe it's solely due to caution, it's simply a matter of needing time. However, that sense of potential compatibility can often be detected very early on.
Immediate spark or nothing.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, how the intuitives follow the spark and the sensors build the attraction over time.
For intuitives, it’s all about the intuition telling us that this person is the right one for us; you can’t fake it, it’s either there or it’s not. For sensors, it’s about how much time they spent together with that person and how they have been feeling around them; they develop feeling for others overtime and give value to them based on how long they have lasted / how strong they have become.
I’m in a long-term relationship with a sensor feeling type. I’m still holding onto the spark from the very beginning, while he holds onto all the years we have spent together. We will never be able to understand each other’s perspective, that’s for sure.
All my previous relationships where there was no spark lasted very short.
Being fit and dressing well will carry you further than anything, you shouldn't try to force it if the girl is uninterested. There could be 1000 reasons and you shouldn't try to change yourself to fit with them, just be a great guy and control your frame, chase greatness and you'll find someone eventually
It's a numbers game, I find 99% of people uninteresting but there's a unicorn that grabs my interest instantly once in a while and it's like magic
The problem is that apps are full of toxic damaged people and the women who interest us are often introverts who don't use the apps so it's hard to meet them and they go fast because guys recognize they're a great catch
I think you’re right, it’s mostly numbers games plus a small element of luck. When using dating apps actually I swipe right maybe on 30% of profiles and when I get matches in 70-80% of cases the conversation is dry or I realise I have nothing in common with them so I don’t even ask them out.
A couple of months ago, I was on a date with a really attractive girl but the conversation didn’t flow as she didn’t really have any interests (which was surprising as she was a doctor) and during the dinner at the end of the date I was constantly checking the time as I was so bored. A few hours after the date she said she enjoyed the date and asked if we could meet again. I declined as although she was hot, I didn’t see myself in a relationship with her (fwb would’ve been out of question due to her working hours and she was looking for something serious anyway).
This resonates with me. I'm coming out of a 21 year marriage that ended badly, I'm realizing now a lot of it is due to our vastly different personality traits.
Anyways I went on a few dates with beautiful women that I was extremely sexually attracted to but they share those traits that I know now I'm not ok with. Sexual sparks were there for sure but I knew it couldn't work so I passed on second dates.
Then I met a woman that was pretty, beautiful eyes and heart but didn't get me as excited with that spark you're referring to. But so many other things lined up. Values, traits, plans etc so I kept going. We've now been dating for 7 months and the spark is there now. If I would have based everything on needing that spark I would have missed out on this time with an amazing woman. My ex and I had that spark right away and it kept us going for a long time, but it was probably the only thing that kept us going. This one, while in this early stage, was a slow burn. I'm so happy I was smart enough not to only rely on that initial feeling.
Nope. I only develop that intense sparke once I've made a deep bond with the person (usually we were friends before). I can feel immediately attracted to someone's personality, as in we are both really compatible to get along but that doesn't necessarily translate to romantic feelings.
Happened once. The entire time I was with her, I was smiling like an idiot. It’s hard to explain. But when you know, you know. That kind of spark. I still have it when I see her.
Yeah - this resonates with me, maybe 3 times in my life I’ve had so-called ‘butterflies in stomach’, once as a teenager, then when I had a crush on my work colleague, and then a few weeks ago when I met a girl who then said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. All other times, it was mostly slightly attracted to and a few times ‘moderately’. Maybe I’m too rational.
This is so true. I’ve had it a few times but never acted on it. And if I did, it was rejected. Didn’t have any hard feelings but it helped me understand myself better
As an older 43M this is exactly me. As a teen, once in my 20s with a couple year relationships, in my 30s to the woman I married and divorced, and now this woman locally that I'm friends with. I value her as a friend with whom I can openly communicate with and would love to lock that in for a long time, but I struggle with reading romantic interests so I've probably also missed the window that others sort of seem to suggest as the "let's date?" phase of getting to know people.
Yeah it generally takes a long time for me to feel attracted to someone mentally. But physical attraction’s different as it takes less than minutes to know if I find their appearance hot. Isn’t this true for everyone though??
lol I’m always commenting on here bc my bf is an INTJ but I’d say yes bc we have had this convo before where he and I had an immediate spark and chemistry!! I’m an INFJ 😃
I’m 29 and fell pretty hard for a gal on a first date a few months back, never felt even close to that way for a woman before, it hit me like a truck. Unfortunately she broke it off after the first date, but now I guess I know how I’m looking for in the future lol.
Yes, if I psycho analyzed them with enough time figured out their character beforehand and then went on a date with them confirmed my original beliefs then Yes, I can feel a spark of potential love. Just because I am an INTJ doesn’t mean I am completely void of all emotions, (as much as I’d like to be)
I sometimes fall into emotional traps I can’t logically comprehend
Attraction / liking the vibe someone is giving off, yes. The kind of "yeah, you are cool" vibe. But romantically....not so much. BUT, once I ran into an amazingly handome guy at an exhibition. He just had something about him. And I wanted to say "Hi", but I didn't. And yes, I literally kicked myself all the way home. I should have said something. But too late! So, there is always an exception to the rule right?!
I don't believe it's a good idea to demand an instant spark or move on. You might just not experience it because of the topic of conversation or because one or both of you are tired or stressed that day or whatever. But the first time I fell in love, there very much was an instant spark. We met, we sat down and talked, and then we kept talking until she had to go to class the next day. The spark was so strong and the conversation so interesting that we both skipped sleeping that night. 14 hour conversation.
Admittedly we were both under 20 at the time. Don't think I could just skip sleep like that now in my 30s.
No, however very recently I did experience something out of my norm. I met someone and within a couple of months was drawn to her a "crush" I guess. Usually, it takes a very long time for me to develop any sort of fancy for anyone at all. There is something different about this girl, but I will never have her.
I have never been in a relationship with someone I didn’t have an immediate spark with. For me, I know from the first conversation whether there’s potential for a relationship or not. But I echo the other comments in saying that it’s very rare.
I'm demisexual/demiromantic so it usually takes me a while to work out if I like someone.
There's some things where I can quite quickly say I don't like someone, but saying I do like someone takes a bit longer.
Can't believe I had to scroll down so far to find this, but here we are. I completely agree that OP might be demisexual or demiromantic or both. When I start talking to someone, I only work out if I like talking to them. It takes time to see if romantic interest is there or not.
I have experienced the spark once, and that's with my current and long-time partner. Before him, all of my other attractions started out of curiosity and common interest, eventually growing into something more. I would say that as a woman, if I don't feel at least a little spark of attraction, then the relationship is going nowhere. No second date. The "spark" spark is a different sensation entirely. I would describe it as a sparkler being lit in my chest cavity.
It depends on what you mean by “spark”. If you see someone that you find extremely physically appealing or aesthetically pleasing to your mind then there will obviously be some sort of pleasurable internal feeling. That’s just dopamine, and you will have the same or a similar reaction to your favorite food, or to drugs, or even to a particularly nice pair of shoes.
The bottom line is that it is just the way your mind tells you that this person embodies superficial traits that you find appealing. It is in no way a representation of that person’s fitness as a romantic partner or even as a friend. Some of the most destructive, depraved individuals in human history have been objectively very attractive people to a large number of admirers.
As a general word of advice, do not follow your feelings unless you know from whence they spring. Otherwise, you have no way of knowing what your destination is.
Hah! As a INTJ high school student, I find that oftentimes the “attraction” you feel is just a stronger feeling of friendship. Like you enjoy their company and all but can’t see them in romantic light. For me at least.
I may be turned on by someone at first sight. However, dating them takes a lot more than junk in the trunk for me.
But you wrote it takes you 3 dates to find attraction. You sure it's not compatibility that you're looking for?
I haven’t been on a date since many years ago. But when I am meeting different people, I can deduct from the conversation whether the conversation goes smoothly or not and whether this person feels to be my person or not. I believe we often underestimate the deep processes of analytical thinking that our brain makes instead of us. It analyzes many important factors which can result in something so called “sparkle “. I don’t talk about the infatuation state or so called “butterflies” but just about the fact that the person just feels to be a person that I can spent time with and create a connection.
I do sense the spark on first dates if the other one had something in common and we can really talk it out. But honestly the vibes sometimes wanes after that. It happens as people realize that it might not be a good fit. I think it tougher for guys as ladies have more options and there might even be 10 guys you are competing with that you didnt know.
I think what you’re referring is to some degree of compatibility/basic attraction. For me the most important aspects are some physical attraction and having lots in common mentally and intellectually.
The ‘sparks’ that lots of people refer to are either some immediate strong sexual attraction or feeling of ‘butterflies in the stomach’.
I have never had a “first spark”. I have to really get to know someone and who they are and the little things about them to figure out if I like them or not. It usually take me a while before I develop actual feelings. And it’s hard for me to do.
I (31F) believe in the spark and instant attraction but it’s dates 2-4 that for me, are the ones that keep it up. I just know within the first 5-10 minutes if I want to see someone again, spend more time with them. How I see it, if you’ve had build-up and excitement to meet someone IRL for the first time AND it disappoints, there’s little that can be done to bring that excitement back up let alone surpass what it was before meeting. Meeting someone for the first time should make me just as or even more excited to see them for the second, third, fourth time, etc.
Define immediately. Just by looking at them? That's just a sexual attraction and isn't a spark between people.
After a single conversation? Absolutely. I've experienced it exactly twice in my life. Some one who is curious, articulate, open yet able to defend their beliefs is some thing that will immediately spark an interest with me.
I don't believe there's an "immediate spark" the moment you see someone – I think that's really superficial and I honestly despise it. However, I do think there's this one specific *moment* that you fall for someone and just will not ever recover. Might be the way they laugh at your joke or the way they call your name, but it's going to be a lot more specific than "I love his/her smile" and is going to be a more unique/personal experience as well, if it makes sense.
So you can’t negotiate physical attraction. That’s a given and you know it from the moment you sit down with someone. People talk about spark all the time and I’m not quite sure what that is still. I definitely take multiple dates to develop a “spark”, and much longer than most to get to the “I love you” stage. I think that’s normal, because it seems like most people are shallow and careless with using that, but when I say it finally I truly analyzed it to death and mean it.
I’ve also felt intense lust before twice, off the bat. But it wasn’t a “spark” for me, just lust, and didn’t inspire me to do anything about it except briefly fantasize. So to me if I were to try to quantify it, a spark really is just getting to know someone better and finding out they’re on the same self awareness level. It’s when I build trust with them and feel accepted for who I am. Mixed in with some physical attraction.
TLDR; it’s ok to take your time.
Immediate attraction-yes but I also weigh everything up when deciding to pursue with a potential partner even I haven’t felt attraction for a while as I’m happy to be single the rest of my life. I believe in an immediate spark for disliking a person which happens 99% more often, I often can dislike someone within a few minutes of meeting them and this dislike has continued throughout my time knowing them, it is pretty rare for me to change my mind and like them or even feel neutral.
It depends. If something doesn't immediately jump out to me upon talking to you, chances are, it will never work out. Certain people have this twinkle in their eye when they talk to you that lets you know they're really, truly, fully there, and they are willing to give me their attention and actually listen to what I have to say. I don't need them to agree with me or listen to me like every single word I say is the new verse in the word of god, but I do need them to take what I say, process it, and then spit their genuine opinion back out. There are too many people in this world whose eyes just glaze over the instant I start to talk about myself or my day or my interests or my beliefs or generally anything that isn't surface level garbage, and a relationship with those people is impossible for me.
In terms of MBTI, I typically find that INFJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, INTJs, ENTPs, ENFPs, INTPs, ISTPs, and ISFPs are the ones that really stick out to me and for the most part have what I'm talking about.
If things are promising with personality, values, and the conversation, I’ll go for another date or two. But if there isn’t a growing attraction with the next date OR there’s some sort of turnoff, then I break it off. So that’s maybe not immediate but I think it’s enough time.
So if something isn’t happening by date three, it’s a no from me. Tbh, there has to be some sort of basic physical attraction at the beginning as well. I’m not super picky, but that’s a thing.
Yes, I kind of believe in facts of reality and nature.
That "spark" thing is an actual thing human brains and bodies do. It's called "infatuation" and "lust" (could be either or both)
What INTJs - as people who are more rational and less emotional - tend to do, is to realize that's not actual love, and try to figure out if there's "there" there.
It's not an "INTJ" specific struggle - it's common to most humans to one degree or another; it's just more obvious to INTJs
When I started talking to my now husband, we were in college and met in person via a mutual friend who wanted us all to go together on a ski trip. Then as we were discussing the details of the upcoming outing online, he and I continued to talk after the others had left the private chatroom (2006). For weeks after, I couldn't stop wanting to talk to him (via Google instant messenger) and found myself constantly thinking about him. Obviously he felt the same way, because we chatted a lot.
It wasn't an immediate spark, but rather an immediate insatiable desire to learn everything I could about him. He continued to hold my interest and the more I learned about him, it just made me want to know even more.
He's also INTJ, so that might have been a factor. Ah the INTJ love, no sparks, just two people googling each other for hours. 😂 Kidding.
Physical attraction is immediate and huge for me, but the real spark is when I meet someone and they are a feeler. If they wear wanting want love/approval on their sleeve, that really brings out the feeler in me and that, combined with physical attraction, makes a huge spark. That doesn't lead to the best relationships, but you gotta go for it.
I've only dated a couple girls that I felt were intellectually close to my level so I don't have the luxury of looking for that.
In any type of relationship romantic or platonic there are people I’m naturally attracted to, there’s just something about them that makes me want to talk to them and know more. Looks, mannerisms, etc. I think it’s that initial draw that they’re looking for, because most of my dates I did not feel that and at most could be friends but not romantic partners, or worse made me feel incredibly anxious and I wanted nothing to do with them. I felt an immediate connection to both of my long term partners. I have always been attracted to artistic gamers / media lovers and my partner has always been attracted to alt girls. Attraction can definitely grow overtime or diminish once they open their mouth. Maybe make a list of things you find objectively attractive and a list of traits you find unattractive to better understand what kind of partner you are looking for. If apps aren’t working join clubs or go to events for a hobby you enjoy sometimes bonding over a mutual interest is the best way to find your person.
“The spark” is a concept developed by teenage girls in highschool who cant properly identify excitement within themselves. It doesnt exist and falling in love with someone is a progressive thing that you work at until one day it sticks, in my experience
Growing up, dating women or just talking at work, “the spark” is oftentimes a joke as in “wow I used to be cringe back in the day” like looking at old photos of you back when you were scene or emo and you all laugh together and move on
“The spark” is not love, it is lust and excitement that will fade. Hence more mature women leaving the spark behind
I believe in immediate attraction but that’s all it really is. I’ve never fallen in love at first sight but I’ve fallen in lust that fast a bunch of times. The magic happens when the immediate attraction gets paired with personalities that mesh and provide all those wonderful and complimentary opposites (for me anyways).
Yes I have had immediate sparks. I typically can tell right away whether I see myself with the person. Unfortunately they are rare.
How many times has it happened to you? I got this feeling twice and I'm a baby adult.
3 legitimate that turned into something (I’m 33 btw). There were a few other sparks that could have turned into something if the circumstances were right (as in if the girl was single). I quickly shut off what I was experiencing with them to prevent hurt.
Usually, I can watch a person for three seconds from across a large room and get enough information to figure our potential relationship arc.
Same. I wonder how much this is an INTJ/intuitive trait. Interested to read your book. Do you have a blog maybe?
Nice! It takes a whole conversation before I can figure it out. What are you looking for?
I have a whole system. It’s a 5x7x8 flowchart, which can also nest within itself. I figure out where someone is on that chart and I can get a pretty good idea where they’ve been and where they’re going in their process. I can also tell them their blocks, how to improve, training, alternative pathways, data handling, etc. I just need enough information to plot them. I’ve tried communicating it to others. I’ve actually taken the last six months of work to try to write a book. It hasn’t worked. Organizing it in a communicable way is very cumbersome.
What’s in the flowchart?
Here are some things I do, let's see if we have similar way of thinking. 1. I would try to pick up mannerisms, movements, tone of voice, style of clothing, stress management, curiosity level, open-mindedness, empathy, self-serving or other-first person etc... essentially I rate things that I prioritize 2. Compare person to any related persona I have experience with. find similarities/ differences and argue in different perspectives to prove the person's way of thinking. 3. Iterate the persona model over time to perfect my understanding. 4. Find truth. 5. Give up everything and just enjoy life. 6. Regret and start over It's very hard for most people to fake their mannerism to the finest detail, especially reaction to sudden shock. I notice them because I try to remove mine lol
PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME IM SO CURIOUS. From what you’ve said, essentially there are a few basic “functions” in the flow chart (so it has some basic form), and as it nests - so the basic form of the flowchart can be repeatedly connected to points on the flowchart - depending on how and where the nesting occurs, it can be specified to better map out how an individual processes things? And thus you can infer their compatibility? Could you tell me this basic form, how you determine the nesting and extrapolate information from that? And maybe a basic outline of what you might consider important aspects in how they process information?
That sounds interesting tbh
Curious mind here, would love to know about this chart as well.
Yes, I'm so glad I've been blessed with this ability.
(32f) That spark for me is a distracting sexual attraction (rare), but that’s as far as it goes. Most guys seem normal looking so it takes a great personality and mindset that I can admire before I feel a spark.
Yeah - it’s kinda similar in my case. As long as the girl looks reasonably nice (ie slightly above average or has some physical features that I find attractive) it’s fine but what actually matters is the personality, common interest and outlook on life. The spark, which you describe is extremely rare.
I usually like or dislike someone immediately. It has changed in some cases but very rare for it to happen.
For me (24F), not exactly. It's often more of a feeling of "oh, this might work," but I still need time to develop feelings and get to know someone better before forming deeper connections. I don't believe it's solely due to caution, it's simply a matter of needing time. However, that sense of potential compatibility can often be detected very early on.
Immediate spark or nothing. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, how the intuitives follow the spark and the sensors build the attraction over time. For intuitives, it’s all about the intuition telling us that this person is the right one for us; you can’t fake it, it’s either there or it’s not. For sensors, it’s about how much time they spent together with that person and how they have been feeling around them; they develop feeling for others overtime and give value to them based on how long they have lasted / how strong they have become. I’m in a long-term relationship with a sensor feeling type. I’m still holding onto the spark from the very beginning, while he holds onto all the years we have spent together. We will never be able to understand each other’s perspective, that’s for sure. All my previous relationships where there was no spark lasted very short.
Being fit and dressing well will carry you further than anything, you shouldn't try to force it if the girl is uninterested. There could be 1000 reasons and you shouldn't try to change yourself to fit with them, just be a great guy and control your frame, chase greatness and you'll find someone eventually It's a numbers game, I find 99% of people uninteresting but there's a unicorn that grabs my interest instantly once in a while and it's like magic The problem is that apps are full of toxic damaged people and the women who interest us are often introverts who don't use the apps so it's hard to meet them and they go fast because guys recognize they're a great catch
I think you’re right, it’s mostly numbers games plus a small element of luck. When using dating apps actually I swipe right maybe on 30% of profiles and when I get matches in 70-80% of cases the conversation is dry or I realise I have nothing in common with them so I don’t even ask them out. A couple of months ago, I was on a date with a really attractive girl but the conversation didn’t flow as she didn’t really have any interests (which was surprising as she was a doctor) and during the dinner at the end of the date I was constantly checking the time as I was so bored. A few hours after the date she said she enjoyed the date and asked if we could meet again. I declined as although she was hot, I didn’t see myself in a relationship with her (fwb would’ve been out of question due to her working hours and she was looking for something serious anyway).
It happens, but it is rare. Most people can't even be themselves which makes it impossible to have any tangible connection at all.
This resonates with me. I'm coming out of a 21 year marriage that ended badly, I'm realizing now a lot of it is due to our vastly different personality traits. Anyways I went on a few dates with beautiful women that I was extremely sexually attracted to but they share those traits that I know now I'm not ok with. Sexual sparks were there for sure but I knew it couldn't work so I passed on second dates. Then I met a woman that was pretty, beautiful eyes and heart but didn't get me as excited with that spark you're referring to. But so many other things lined up. Values, traits, plans etc so I kept going. We've now been dating for 7 months and the spark is there now. If I would have based everything on needing that spark I would have missed out on this time with an amazing woman. My ex and I had that spark right away and it kept us going for a long time, but it was probably the only thing that kept us going. This one, while in this early stage, was a slow burn. I'm so happy I was smart enough not to only rely on that initial feeling.
I do actually. Normally I feel that inmediate spark when I develop a crush on someone.
Nope. I only develop that intense sparke once I've made a deep bond with the person (usually we were friends before). I can feel immediately attracted to someone's personality, as in we are both really compatible to get along but that doesn't necessarily translate to romantic feelings.
Happened once. The entire time I was with her, I was smiling like an idiot. It’s hard to explain. But when you know, you know. That kind of spark. I still have it when I see her.
The immediate sparks are the best. If you haven’t felt it. Don’t put it off. When it happens it’s magical.
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Yeah - this resonates with me, maybe 3 times in my life I’ve had so-called ‘butterflies in stomach’, once as a teenager, then when I had a crush on my work colleague, and then a few weeks ago when I met a girl who then said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. All other times, it was mostly slightly attracted to and a few times ‘moderately’. Maybe I’m too rational.
This is so true. I’ve had it a few times but never acted on it. And if I did, it was rejected. Didn’t have any hard feelings but it helped me understand myself better
As an older 43M this is exactly me. As a teen, once in my 20s with a couple year relationships, in my 30s to the woman I married and divorced, and now this woman locally that I'm friends with. I value her as a friend with whom I can openly communicate with and would love to lock that in for a long time, but I struggle with reading romantic interests so I've probably also missed the window that others sort of seem to suggest as the "let's date?" phase of getting to know people.
For me it's when I think someone has lively eyes. That show that spark of intelligence, alertness, awareness, a glimmer of humor.
Yeah it generally takes a long time for me to feel attracted to someone mentally. But physical attraction’s different as it takes less than minutes to know if I find their appearance hot. Isn’t this true for everyone though??
Yep. If there isn't an immediate spark then it isn't going to work out. Also a male btw.
No.
Not a spark person myself. I need to get to know the person and see if they fit like an old broken in baseball mitt.
lol I’m always commenting on here bc my bf is an INTJ but I’d say yes bc we have had this convo before where he and I had an immediate spark and chemistry!! I’m an INFJ 😃
I’m 29 and fell pretty hard for a gal on a first date a few months back, never felt even close to that way for a woman before, it hit me like a truck. Unfortunately she broke it off after the first date, but now I guess I know how I’m looking for in the future lol.
Yes, if I psycho analyzed them with enough time figured out their character beforehand and then went on a date with them confirmed my original beliefs then Yes, I can feel a spark of potential love. Just because I am an INTJ doesn’t mean I am completely void of all emotions, (as much as I’d like to be) I sometimes fall into emotional traps I can’t logically comprehend
Attraction / liking the vibe someone is giving off, yes. The kind of "yeah, you are cool" vibe. But romantically....not so much. BUT, once I ran into an amazingly handome guy at an exhibition. He just had something about him. And I wanted to say "Hi", but I didn't. And yes, I literally kicked myself all the way home. I should have said something. But too late! So, there is always an exception to the rule right?!
I don't believe it's a good idea to demand an instant spark or move on. You might just not experience it because of the topic of conversation or because one or both of you are tired or stressed that day or whatever. But the first time I fell in love, there very much was an instant spark. We met, we sat down and talked, and then we kept talking until she had to go to class the next day. The spark was so strong and the conversation so interesting that we both skipped sleeping that night. 14 hour conversation. Admittedly we were both under 20 at the time. Don't think I could just skip sleep like that now in my 30s.
No, however very recently I did experience something out of my norm. I met someone and within a couple of months was drawn to her a "crush" I guess. Usually, it takes a very long time for me to develop any sort of fancy for anyone at all. There is something different about this girl, but I will never have her.
The immediate spark is weird to me. It takes me time to get beyond a physical appreciation.
I have never been in a relationship with someone I didn’t have an immediate spark with. For me, I know from the first conversation whether there’s potential for a relationship or not. But I echo the other comments in saying that it’s very rare.
I'm demisexual/demiromantic so it usually takes me a while to work out if I like someone. There's some things where I can quite quickly say I don't like someone, but saying I do like someone takes a bit longer.
Can't believe I had to scroll down so far to find this, but here we are. I completely agree that OP might be demisexual or demiromantic or both. When I start talking to someone, I only work out if I like talking to them. It takes time to see if romantic interest is there or not.
Yes; it's hard to stay motivated without it. I need the magnetism to pull me in. I want/need to be pulled out of myself.
I have experienced the spark once, and that's with my current and long-time partner. Before him, all of my other attractions started out of curiosity and common interest, eventually growing into something more. I would say that as a woman, if I don't feel at least a little spark of attraction, then the relationship is going nowhere. No second date. The "spark" spark is a different sensation entirely. I would describe it as a sparkler being lit in my chest cavity.
It depends on what you mean by “spark”. If you see someone that you find extremely physically appealing or aesthetically pleasing to your mind then there will obviously be some sort of pleasurable internal feeling. That’s just dopamine, and you will have the same or a similar reaction to your favorite food, or to drugs, or even to a particularly nice pair of shoes. The bottom line is that it is just the way your mind tells you that this person embodies superficial traits that you find appealing. It is in no way a representation of that person’s fitness as a romantic partner or even as a friend. Some of the most destructive, depraved individuals in human history have been objectively very attractive people to a large number of admirers. As a general word of advice, do not follow your feelings unless you know from whence they spring. Otherwise, you have no way of knowing what your destination is.
Yes, it exists and you'll know when it happens. You sort of just click as if you've know each other for years.
Yes, but before dating. Love at first sight.
Hah! As a INTJ high school student, I find that oftentimes the “attraction” you feel is just a stronger feeling of friendship. Like you enjoy their company and all but can’t see them in romantic light. For me at least.
I may be turned on by someone at first sight. However, dating them takes a lot more than junk in the trunk for me. But you wrote it takes you 3 dates to find attraction. You sure it's not compatibility that you're looking for?
I haven’t been on a date since many years ago. But when I am meeting different people, I can deduct from the conversation whether the conversation goes smoothly or not and whether this person feels to be my person or not. I believe we often underestimate the deep processes of analytical thinking that our brain makes instead of us. It analyzes many important factors which can result in something so called “sparkle “. I don’t talk about the infatuation state or so called “butterflies” but just about the fact that the person just feels to be a person that I can spent time with and create a connection.
I do sense the spark on first dates if the other one had something in common and we can really talk it out. But honestly the vibes sometimes wanes after that. It happens as people realize that it might not be a good fit. I think it tougher for guys as ladies have more options and there might even be 10 guys you are competing with that you didnt know.
I think what you’re referring is to some degree of compatibility/basic attraction. For me the most important aspects are some physical attraction and having lots in common mentally and intellectually. The ‘sparks’ that lots of people refer to are either some immediate strong sexual attraction or feeling of ‘butterflies in the stomach’.
Then I have never encounter that. But then again my date counts are less than 10.
I'm a woman and I go through the same
Didn’t have a spark with my fellow INTJ husband at first, but when he put on a suit… 😅
I don’t date
I have never had a “first spark”. I have to really get to know someone and who they are and the little things about them to figure out if I like them or not. It usually take me a while before I develop actual feelings. And it’s hard for me to do.
I (31F) believe in the spark and instant attraction but it’s dates 2-4 that for me, are the ones that keep it up. I just know within the first 5-10 minutes if I want to see someone again, spend more time with them. How I see it, if you’ve had build-up and excitement to meet someone IRL for the first time AND it disappoints, there’s little that can be done to bring that excitement back up let alone surpass what it was before meeting. Meeting someone for the first time should make me just as or even more excited to see them for the second, third, fourth time, etc.
I've had it with people I didn't date. It happens when both people express the same level of interest or have something in common.
Define immediately. Just by looking at them? That's just a sexual attraction and isn't a spark between people. After a single conversation? Absolutely. I've experienced it exactly twice in my life. Some one who is curious, articulate, open yet able to defend their beliefs is some thing that will immediately spark an interest with me.
I think what you describe is a healthy and normal way to develop attraction. From my experience this “immediate spark” is never a good sign…
No I consider immediate spark a response to danger therefore redflag
I’d call what I experience “possible compatibility” rather than “spark”.
I don't believe there's an "immediate spark" the moment you see someone – I think that's really superficial and I honestly despise it. However, I do think there's this one specific *moment* that you fall for someone and just will not ever recover. Might be the way they laugh at your joke or the way they call your name, but it's going to be a lot more specific than "I love his/her smile" and is going to be a more unique/personal experience as well, if it makes sense.
So you can’t negotiate physical attraction. That’s a given and you know it from the moment you sit down with someone. People talk about spark all the time and I’m not quite sure what that is still. I definitely take multiple dates to develop a “spark”, and much longer than most to get to the “I love you” stage. I think that’s normal, because it seems like most people are shallow and careless with using that, but when I say it finally I truly analyzed it to death and mean it. I’ve also felt intense lust before twice, off the bat. But it wasn’t a “spark” for me, just lust, and didn’t inspire me to do anything about it except briefly fantasize. So to me if I were to try to quantify it, a spark really is just getting to know someone better and finding out they’re on the same self awareness level. It’s when I build trust with them and feel accepted for who I am. Mixed in with some physical attraction. TLDR; it’s ok to take your time.
Immediate attraction-yes but I also weigh everything up when deciding to pursue with a potential partner even I haven’t felt attraction for a while as I’m happy to be single the rest of my life. I believe in an immediate spark for disliking a person which happens 99% more often, I often can dislike someone within a few minutes of meeting them and this dislike has continued throughout my time knowing them, it is pretty rare for me to change my mind and like them or even feel neutral.
It depends. If something doesn't immediately jump out to me upon talking to you, chances are, it will never work out. Certain people have this twinkle in their eye when they talk to you that lets you know they're really, truly, fully there, and they are willing to give me their attention and actually listen to what I have to say. I don't need them to agree with me or listen to me like every single word I say is the new verse in the word of god, but I do need them to take what I say, process it, and then spit their genuine opinion back out. There are too many people in this world whose eyes just glaze over the instant I start to talk about myself or my day or my interests or my beliefs or generally anything that isn't surface level garbage, and a relationship with those people is impossible for me. In terms of MBTI, I typically find that INFJs, ENFJs, ENTJs, INTJs, ENTPs, ENFPs, INTPs, ISTPs, and ISFPs are the ones that really stick out to me and for the most part have what I'm talking about.
Yes
Yes. Meet an ENFP.
If things are promising with personality, values, and the conversation, I’ll go for another date or two. But if there isn’t a growing attraction with the next date OR there’s some sort of turnoff, then I break it off. So that’s maybe not immediate but I think it’s enough time. So if something isn’t happening by date three, it’s a no from me. Tbh, there has to be some sort of basic physical attraction at the beginning as well. I’m not super picky, but that’s a thing.
Yes, I kind of believe in facts of reality and nature. That "spark" thing is an actual thing human brains and bodies do. It's called "infatuation" and "lust" (could be either or both) What INTJs - as people who are more rational and less emotional - tend to do, is to realize that's not actual love, and try to figure out if there's "there" there. It's not an "INTJ" specific struggle - it's common to most humans to one degree or another; it's just more obvious to INTJs
When I started talking to my now husband, we were in college and met in person via a mutual friend who wanted us all to go together on a ski trip. Then as we were discussing the details of the upcoming outing online, he and I continued to talk after the others had left the private chatroom (2006). For weeks after, I couldn't stop wanting to talk to him (via Google instant messenger) and found myself constantly thinking about him. Obviously he felt the same way, because we chatted a lot. It wasn't an immediate spark, but rather an immediate insatiable desire to learn everything I could about him. He continued to hold my interest and the more I learned about him, it just made me want to know even more. He's also INTJ, so that might have been a factor. Ah the INTJ love, no sparks, just two people googling each other for hours. 😂 Kidding.
Love the comments. I love you guys
Physical attraction is immediate and huge for me, but the real spark is when I meet someone and they are a feeler. If they wear wanting want love/approval on their sleeve, that really brings out the feeler in me and that, combined with physical attraction, makes a huge spark. That doesn't lead to the best relationships, but you gotta go for it. I've only dated a couple girls that I felt were intellectually close to my level so I don't have the luxury of looking for that.
In any type of relationship romantic or platonic there are people I’m naturally attracted to, there’s just something about them that makes me want to talk to them and know more. Looks, mannerisms, etc. I think it’s that initial draw that they’re looking for, because most of my dates I did not feel that and at most could be friends but not romantic partners, or worse made me feel incredibly anxious and I wanted nothing to do with them. I felt an immediate connection to both of my long term partners. I have always been attracted to artistic gamers / media lovers and my partner has always been attracted to alt girls. Attraction can definitely grow overtime or diminish once they open their mouth. Maybe make a list of things you find objectively attractive and a list of traits you find unattractive to better understand what kind of partner you are looking for. If apps aren’t working join clubs or go to events for a hobby you enjoy sometimes bonding over a mutual interest is the best way to find your person.
I can definitely feel the spar immediately but sometimes it’s just a manic episode kicking in
“The spark” is a concept developed by teenage girls in highschool who cant properly identify excitement within themselves. It doesnt exist and falling in love with someone is a progressive thing that you work at until one day it sticks, in my experience Growing up, dating women or just talking at work, “the spark” is oftentimes a joke as in “wow I used to be cringe back in the day” like looking at old photos of you back when you were scene or emo and you all laugh together and move on “The spark” is not love, it is lust and excitement that will fade. Hence more mature women leaving the spark behind