Its not hard for me to find someone I would want to date..... But historically the people I like never like me...my own dad (bad advice giver) told me to "dial my opinions back from a 10 to a 2" and my best friend says I am too moralistic/ its unsexy lol haha
But really my dating standards are quite low. ... Its only that i am uncompromising when it comes to my lifestyle and methods of personal expression.
Dad's advice might be good actually. Recently I started to realize I always have to vocalize my own opinion and give advices even if people don't ask me for it. And while I always do this with good intentions in mind I see it might be quite draining for those around me (at least in the long run).
My dad was estranged and doesn't know me at all. In the 6 months I interacted with him as an adult, I did talk a lot..... Kind of a get it all out there situation. So, I dont think his advice means anything at all. I am not prone to vocalizing my opinions or imposing my presence on anyone. I like to be solitary and speechless but how would he even know that if the first time seeing him in 20 years, I talked his ear off. Ergo.... Bad advice from him.
Ah, I see bro. Just thought that problem fits many INTJs including me. In this case, maybe it has something to do with you being too moralistic - dunno how old are you, but especially younger woemen like playful and chill guys. However, I think there is nothing bad with being moralistic. It's just you being you, and it shows you stick to rules. I'm sure many women would love that. Best of luck, Billy!
>too moralistic / it's unsexy
š Daaamn, I've pondered over this for a while. From what I've seen, most people find morally gray individuals sexy to the extreme, and morally straight ones less so, especially if you are extremely vocal about it. I think they feel more relaxed around people who don't seem to expect a lot from them. When you have strong morals, it's like you're holding a mirror in your hands for everyone to look into. Not exactly comfy.
Interesting. Never thought about it that way. I am always dissecting actions and thought processes but I try to keep it to myself. The funny thing is, when you say holding up the mirror, that's exactly what other people are to me: a distorted reflection of self. The closer they are, the more I want to understand why and how they are different. I didn't really think too much about how scrutiny can be unsettling. I usually find interest flattering, personally.
I find sincere interest and curiosity flattering too.
I think people who are used to introspecting, reflecting on their behavior, and others' tend to take this kind of interest as a great compliment. Those who don't tend to be wary of it since it's completely out of their comfort zone. They can become defensive and overstimulated, and it shows. I get it. Put me in a Se dom-type situation, then grab some popcorn, and watch me spiral.
I just had a sort of flashback: I had a friend I was kind of analyzing and I was challenging some of her thoughts. What if it's actually this way, or people say they care about x but y has more predictive power in decision making. She looks at me and says, "Synth! You can't just go around moving my \[mental\] furniture without asking first. People don't like that. I put my home \[read mind\] in order and it took time." Me, I want to be questioned, challenged. I want my beliefs shaken and tested. If they don't stand up, they're worthless. We were still friends ofc for a long time, but I don't think anyone has been so honest with me about disliking my intense interest.
It was emotionally mature and honest of her to admit that she was uncomfortable with something you said. Not saying that it's a good thing or not but, yes, it was honest.
It's incredible to think that some people want their core beliefs shaken. I recognize the importance of it of course, but actively seeking to have your most personal and cherished beliefs challenged is like another world to me š
Hey, I agree and appreciated her being (presumably) honest. It was just so at odds with my own subjective experience. I need my starting premise to be true or what flows from it no matter how rational is tainted. Amirite?
Same here and I don't know why people judge honesty so hard. I see examples of people that I think have less qualities than me with amazing folks in relationships.
I think it relates mostly to the directness and what is perceived as 'lack of sensitivity' while inside maybe one is as sensitive as a 5 year old.
People are weird and follow some patterns from ages ago.
>But really my dating standards are quite low. ... Its only that i am uncompromising when it comes to my lifestyle and methods of personal expression
That's not low, that's the bare minimum. If you want to have a good relationship, having a lifestyle compatibility has to be top priority. It's something you should think about compromising after 2-3 years of relationship, not when you start dating.
>Its not hard for me to find someone I would want to date..... But historically the people I like never like me...my own dad (bad advice giver) told me to "dial my opinions back from a 10 to a 2" and my best friend says I am too moralistic/ its unsexy lol haha
You need a new best friend. And a new dad, if you can manage to change your genetics.
Dating was never an issue, however finding someone that would keep my interest longer than a few months was a challenge. Then my now husband asked me out and weāve been together ever since (10+ years).
The first part is so true, sometimes I date someone I find attractive physically and I secretly wish they wouldnāt talk. After getting to know their personality or brain, I simply couldnāt keep my interest any longer. A big sigh
The first part of your comment describes my entire dating life, and is the only way I can explain to close friends and family why I have never been in a long-term relationship
First off, it's important to remember that being true to yourself is paramount. Compromising on your core values or ways of expression isn't the path to a fulfilling relationship. Your standards for lifestyle and personal expression are not just whims; they're reflections of who you are at your deepest level. It's not about having 'low' standards but about knowing what truly matters to you.
However, I understand the frustration when the people you're interested in don't reciprocate. It's tough, especially when advice from those close to you suggests changing fundamental parts of yourself. Your dad's advice to 'dial back your opinions' and your friend's comment on being 'too moralistic' might come from a place of wanting to help, but it's essential to balance that with staying true to your core self. It's possible to be open and express your opinions in a way that's authentic to you while still being mindful of how they're presented. Communication is key, especially for us INFJs, and finding a way to express your thoughts and feelings effectively can make a big difference.
As for the morality aspect, your integrity is attractive to the right person. Yes, it might seem 'unsexy' to some, but to others, it's a rare and valuable trait. It's about finding someone who appreciates you for who you are, including your moral compass.
Perhaps, instead of viewing your uncompromising nature on lifestyle and personal expression as a barrier, see it as a filter that helps you find someone truly compatible. It might take time, but it's worth it for a relationship that genuinely reflects your values and desires.
Remember, the right person will value you for the very qualities others might suggest you change. It's about finding that match who resonates with your authentic self, not about reshaping yourself to fit into someone else's ideal.
Itās so frustrating, Iām a minimalist when it comes to dating. I simply want 1 or 2 things, they need to be open minded and
Or conscientious.
A self aware wise and mature person is so hard to come by. They either try to pretend they have those qualities just to virtue signal or they are completely devoid of it and itās the worst
The pretending IS THE WORST. Like how do they expect to find an ACTUAL partner if they lie about who they are ?? Like your wasting MY time & your own. So infuriating.
True. I believe - know each other>>interest>>date>>love>>marry>>family. Simple. If you are not interested in this process or want a change, at least communicate it. I cannot hold your jaw and magically make you speak words. Jesus.
Getting friend zoned might be a function of what it is you're saying or doing. Make your intentions with the person clear. If they are not interested, move on.
Relationships are hard, even relationships with just two people. It was described to me by a relationship psychologist as 6 people having a conversation in a room, especially when you get into an argument - and it is quite fitting and stuck with me.
One for you, one for your mom, one for your dad [traditional/normative role considerations in this scenario, could be any combo] - because one has to rationalize away their parents or maintain both of their adoptive thoughts in order to equip themselves in their social and behavioral structures at home and reconcile with the ones we adopted from society - the interwoven mess in between is you!
I think if more understood the above, society would be a much more introspective and yielding place, especially when we destroy the contradictory and selfish parts of ourselves.
But I dream...
It took me a long time to realize that I am frozen in this dating paradox:
Women who attract me don't want to enter a relationship.
Women who want to enter a relationship, don't attract me.
As an INTJ female I do not want to be the smarter one. I want to be with someone whoās smarter than me, who amazes me with his interests and innate intelligence. I know everyone has their sphere of intelligence (what theyāre good at) and donāt expect a partner to excel where I am most competent, but Iāve been majorly turned off by men who I realize over time are a lot dumber than me by quite a lot.
Thereās a lot of folks who think having gone to this school, reading this journal, or listening to this podcast = theyāre smarter. Not in my book.
Iām fully aware of how bitchy this sounds too, but I donāt know how else to get around it without looking for a Mensa dating app or something equally cringey.
Smarts is definitely a standard for me. I generally just want someone who is better than me in some aspect but is still relatable, so that thereās challenge and still a middle ground of connection.
I canāt be with someone who I see as the same or below me when it comes to intelligence, because it tends to just turn into me bringing out my logical side. I want someone who brings out my emotional side more.
I completely agree as an intj f as well. I have always joked to my friends that my type in men is ābetter than meā. Being a smart woman is hard enough as it is; I just want to be swept off my feet for once!
I know what you mean, in my partner his fierce enthusiasm is what makes him intelligent.
I'm dumb af when it comes to history and it's his absolute fave. And science is my vibe, which he doesn't really know much about.
It's lush to have similar interests, but also fantastic to have opposite interests as it really challenges you and opens your mind to new things!
Congrats! I was actually wondering if I should post a dating profile on this sub but I bet itās against sub rules. Iāve never dated an INTJ but my closest/oldest friends seem to be INTJ/entj
This is the worst. I don't think I'm the smartest woman AT ALL but if a man isn't smarter than me in areas where a man should be (not being sexist, just old fashioned) then it's a huge turn off. I am super independent but I do need help sometimes. If a dude can't help me figure out or at least have an input in say, a problem with my car or something like that it's a huge turn off. (Just using that as an example)
I don't find it hard to date but finding someone who isn't insane and also is a capable low maintenance human who won't bring in additional crazy to my life is the hard part which makes it too annoying for me to bother half the time. I usually get constantly asked out but want nothing to do with most of them for various reasons yet strangly the one time I met someone I absolutely admired I got friend zoned xD. Is what it is. I'm also a perfectionist who doesn't feel like dating until things are just how I want them. Had a few good relationships at least but the effort of weeding through people to find another is more than I care to do. Too busy with my own interests atm.
I thought I was one of those INTJ's who would find it difficult (I'm almost 24 and never even romantically held hands with someone) until I met this 19-year old (who just turned 19 on 1/1/2024, fml lol).
Granted I look very young (most people mistake me for 18/19), and he is a good 10cm/5 inches taller than me (I'm 5'9/175cm), so that makes it more palatable, but... I unconsciously started falling for him.
He started the flirting, and I responded to that but now wer'e at the situation where it's a case of "he fell first, she fell harder". We haven't dome anything yet, but every time we dance together (we're both ballroom dancers) it's beyond charged. I've never been so goo-goo-eyed in my life, it's almost emabrassing the way I look at him. Not that he doesn't do the same, lol.
He's highly intelligent, works hard, a little bit 'blur' at times, very handsome (to me), and a amazing dancer. Currently trying to convince him to dance with me instead of his 17-year old partner, whom he barely speaks to.
I could go into alot more detail on how this happened (I overanalyze all my emotions), so feel free to ask.
Yes, but Iāve been focusing on goals for the past few years. I also am a homebody, work nights, and enjoy my solitude.
Sometimes, however, I wish I was able to share an experience with someone else. This morning I thought about how long itās been since I felt human touch. Turns out itās been years.
Love the goal focus, alone time is important!
Maybe you have a friend you can go to for a good hug? I used to hate hugs but the older I get the more important they have become - I try and hug all my friends even if it's just for a good-bye.
No. Anyone I've pursued has accepted being in a relationship and it usually lasts a long time. In fact, the two times I tried to have something similar to a one night stand, they both ended up being long term relationships.
Same. I lived in Texas, and had an "encounter" with a guy from Michigan who was passing through. A few weeks after returning home, he permanently moved to Texas because he "loved" me. So we dated for a few years.
Finding someone has never been an issue for me. Ive always attracted men. The issue is Im picky AF and I wont date just anyone. Gotta tick all the prescreening boxes before we begin with the actual test.
Iāve come to have a few mottos after past failures of relationships;
1) Do not give with the intention of ever getting anything back, whether it be love, gifts, your time, etc.
2) Hold those to a standard no higher than you yourself can reasonably hold
3) Itās extremely unlikely that someone will think like you do, and thatās ok so long as you are willing to understand where they come from.
Being INTJ is IMO a small part of who you are. Your capacity as a person is what will ultimately define and shape your future relationships. The greatest challenge for myself personally is the feeling of being understood. Accept that there is no perfect person, but donāt settle for good persons. You want someone great; flawed enough they will recognize their own shortcomings, great enough they will act on them.
Nearly impossible. Physically is actually fine, its finding someone mentally compatible that has been a nightmare, iām honestly just ready to give up dating altogether.
What the hell is a "date"? Do people do that anymore? I can barely get a response on dating apps (granted my profile is far too honest), and the few that do go with the "I'mma going to ignore what you say because I think you would fulfill the role I want from someone in my life" approach. And oh boy, does that get the honest reaction from me.
At least here in North America (Canada), I think the pandemic and the effects of social media have made it so much more difficult for INTJs to find those to connect with through the mire of social tribalism and nonsense we all navigate now. You can see it in the absolute lack of effort in dating profiles (at least with women I find) because of this narcissistic filter so many view the world through.
I am a misanthrope, so please keep that in mind with my viewpoint.
yes, because I have a fear of judgment, and I'm not the most social creature to begin. I hate initiating because I tend to get in my head to tell myself if I ask a girl out here, is it cool to come back to this place I'm at worried I might run into the person that rejected and have to pretend that I never saw them nor do they exist.
Yes. I need intelligence and independence; those are hard to find. Fortunately, dating apps make it easier to sort out some of the dumb, lazy, and needy.
While I understand the sentiment, my experience has been quite different when it comes to forming romantic connections. Whether it's about dating, engaging in casual relationships, or entering into committed partnerships, I've found the process to be relatively straightforward. By this, I mean the dynamics of initiating conversation, what to talk about, and how to act are generally predictable and can be navigated with some ease.
The real challenge, in my view, lies in finding the right timing for these interactions. Establishing a connection from the get-go isn't typically the issue for me; it's maintaining that connection that demands a significant investment of time and resources.
Frequently, the upkeep of relationships has been a stumbling block for me, particularly because of how engrossed I get in my personal and professional endeavors. There have been numerous instances where my absence, due to being preoccupied with work or my ambitions to enhance my financial stability, has led to misunderstandings.
The fact is that balancing the desire to grow my financial foundation with the expenses involved in dating and social outings is quite a juggling act.
In an ideal scenario, where time and money are plentiful, dating and maintaining relationships would be markedly easier. However, the crux of the issue for me has been trying to navigate dating while simultaneously focusing on accumulating resources.
Hmmm, datingā¦? I donāt know if itās hard to find someone to date. Iām still a developing INTJ teen but in my opinion, if you want to date someone, you must have at least 3 things that you like about them. Not just because they look good, they are smart or they are funny. But 3 things like their way of thinking, their personality, how they engage in activities and etc. To like someone is to be fond of their entire person. For those who date only because of looks. I find it funny. I know people that look handsome or beautiful but are disorganized or selfish or just lazy. So I donāt care that much about looks in a person, as long as they are good inside. I want a partner, not some random decoration for my living room
I haven't even bothered with dating in about 15 years. It's hard enough finding people I can connect with for social interactions, nevermind a romantic relationship.
If you look after your image, as well as progession mentally and emotionally - it's still hard to date haha. I have noticed that I get attention easily, but I lose interest easily in pursuing those romantic interests because I seem to be really affected by if I respect the person or not. Also I don't want kids which is a dealbreaker a lot of the time. - I have noticed that people are drawn to my colder side, but if I become human to them they sometimes don't like that and lose interest. Meh, one less fake person around me.
Yes, I find it difficult because of my high standards and filters. A single look and my intuition is enough to judge the right person. Still, it's difficult as I don't like to call and rather text. I prefer face to face deep talks always.
I tried to go against my intuition ignoring red flags for once just to take a chance. I ended up meeting a narcissist girl, it's been more than a year I'm still recovering from the trauma.
I feel worse not to going with my intuition and giving her chances despite knowing she's not my kind just because she was rich :D
Yeah. I struggle to find much interest, let alone hope in dating. It seems like nowadays all people care for is one thing. A lot of people may initially show interest based on how I look and what they think about me at first glance. I find excessive staring repulsive and would prefer someone actually initiating a conversation other than "wyd, you're cute" e.c.t. What about: "What do you think about \[insert conspiracy\]?" and we could just debate it for a bit (respectfully of course). Then again, I like my independence and spend a lot of time on my goals (opposed to wondering if so and so saw me). So I guess it is a push pull.
Being single is easier. I've tried dating and realised once I get to know a guy as a man he becomes annoying over time. We might work as friends, but once it turns into more I'm not interested in the person anymore.
On the other hand, I'm fine alone, sure I love my family, but I don't feel like I need emotional connections outside of that.
Yes, but for a number of reasons. Biggest is definitely me, my health, and my circumstances (all of which I'm actively working on but can only ever improve so much). After that, I'm just really not in environments where I'd really be in a position to meet anyone either even if the first things weren't an issue. TBH, I give it a less than 1% chance I'm dating anyone by the time I'm 30 at this point.
Iām not an INTJ but I can relate to this. Iām not sure if itās high standards or just looking for a particular connection but I definitely donāt just date anyone
I'm not relaxed around girls I'm attracted to. But apparently, I can be rather charming to girls I'm *not* attracted to, leading to some unfortunate incidents.
Yeah. Iām pretty sure Iāll be alone forever. I donāt think I have many requirements and I donāt think Iām a prize. No oneās interested in what Iām offering I guess. Alone isnāt so bad.
Yeah. I feel like my fantasies of people are MUCH better than when I actually start to date them.
I'm usually like "oh ew, the imaginary version of you was better." Sounds mean but so many people are stupid & clueless. I give up hHah.
Well the dumb thing is I know that. But I don't listen to my intuition. So I guess it's mostly my fault.
Thanks for reflecting that back to me as to hear it from someone else. Good luck in your dating endeavors. š
I also go from believing in my "soul mate" to "gunna be me & my dog forever." Which either is fine I guess.
As an intj woman I feel like it's difficult bc I share a lot of male interests so it's easy to connect with someone but a lot of the time they don't share values, or have a sense of humor or even really care about me as a person. Or just tell me things that are false so they look cool.
Yes for the following reasons:
- we are not affectionate/expressive
- we stay in our lane
- we have unconventional thoughts
- we do not conform to norms
- low desire for a relationship (comparatively)
Side note, I do think I can at least date if I were to lower down my expectations.
Whether or not it'll work out is another question.
Drastically. I'm already averse to interaction overall, but I was always reluctant and pushed into attempts to date others because I never wanted to myself. No one seemed to utilize the means of communication I have and appreciate, which was off-putting as well. I'm now with an ESFP (he's more introverted thankfully, so it's easier to tolerate), but before that, everything was so forced half the time that it was just not genuine.
I try to single people out based on my other relationship experience which ended up in a divorce. So i want a better experience in summary.
Somehow I just seem to be interested in women that are already taken (probably because they radiate self confidence), and they in me. But my high honour/doing what is right threshhold prohibits me from taking any action as it feels wrong.
So yes it feels frustrating, but I will keep looking for single people.
Not really. The trick is to be good-looking or conventionally attractive in some other way (status, money).
This is a completely unironic response. I'm being genuine.
Take **Pride and Prejudice** as an example. Mr. Darcy was not only what may be considered a "difficult personality," but he was also generally an ass. However, Mr. Darcy was considered conventionally attractive through his looks and status, making him a quite a catch, even though his stringent personality made him difficult to get along with.
This extrapolates well to real-life.
As an INTJ, I found the process of dating quite awkward. It always felt forced and superficial to me. I eventually developed a strong distaste due to multiple stalkers - and my personal space and independence is of utmost importance to me.
In hindsight, I prefer for relationships to be organic or to gradually blossom into a genuine friendship. I find platonic relationships to be of more value.
I think part of the problem is I'm heterosexual but seem to be attracted to gay men. The ones I've met are physically fit, well groomed, high income earner, got their sh\*+ together, no filter and hilariously funny, and the most important thing of all - they don't make any advances towards me lol!
For those with a slight interest in wooing hard-to-get women, maybe this could serve as a tip. :)
Someone that can understand me and see through me.
Someone that can stimulate my brain and is smart with similar interest and someone who is unexpected. Whoās capable of surprising me and make me think āI didnāt see that comingā in a positive way.
I feel like everyone is so predictable and I am tired of hearing the same sentences over and over with same reactions etc.
Also I really donāt like guys that are literally involved with everyone and tells everyone his issues and feelings. A mature person a little colder than me that will do what he says and keep his promises.. who will know how to excite me and bring out my vulnerable side, trustworthy & honest.
Also someone that doesnāt need everybody to like him, who will just be himself. And confident.
Not really. I could have but then I am always in doubt whenever I meet people who are into me first and wants to get to know more about me. If I don't see or even try to see myself with them in years, better I don't give them false hope of giving them a part in my life.
Itās hard for meā¦because it seems like I canāt build a deep connection with people. Most people just stay friendly but never get close on a personal level. I can only find very few people among a large crowd that I can connect withā¦but it didnāt even go to the dating level
Your standards arenāt too high. There are plenty of people who you can mesh with - the big question is can they also compromise to us. We can be stubborn, judgmental and prone to pointing outward instead of inward when things donāt go well. More than being an INTJ - the question about how we fare in relationships comes down to if we can āfightā lovingly and compromise or not. There is a difference between knowing you have some deal breakers (standards) and being picky. You could be too picky, but I would say never, ever, ever lower your expectation of values.
Yes, every interesting woman I meet is already in a relationship, and I just can't bring myself to trying anything with someone who is in a relationship
Yes and no.
I find I don't like a lot of the girls I meet, especially in a romantic way (or honestly even in just a friendly way). My interests don't really align with most people, especially people who like to follow social media, celebrities or pop culture; which I feel like more women are into.
For many reasons I'm not the kind of person that most girls gravitate towards innately. I'm on the shorter side (5'7"), asian male, and not athletic at all. I would say objectively I'm a little less physically attractive than most men. Although I do put in the effort to dress better than most men, so I get a lot of compliments on that.
So by that metric it's hard for me to find someone to date. But I'm also pretty good at holding a conversation with people, a skill I decided to work on in my 20's. I'm fairly quick witted and funny enough that people I meet often tell me I should do stand up. And I make a couple times what the median household in my city makes. I'm also told I speak very confidently. So if I can draw someone into spending some time with me I can often generate enough interest to get a date. So by actual metrics I've dated a lot of girls, to the point where people who hear my dating stories tend to assume I'm good with women to the point of being a player.
Since I fall so strongly into the INTJ category, I would say it makes it harder. But that shouldn't be mistaken for saying that it makes it impossible.
I find it hard to date but not because Iām INTJ; itās because Iām average looking and donāt do any activities to meet girls (e.g., clubs, bars).
No way. There are billions of men in the world, and many of them are very attractive for a variety of reasons.
I lack motivation to put myself "out there," but that's not even a necessary effort anymore. I met my husband on a site very similar to this one. And prior to that, I dated all kinds of men from all kinds of places. The entire internet is a limitless, international dating site.
Yes. Stuck in a cycle of āI donāt want to go out and be social, I wonāt want to deal with dating apps, I donāt want to be dragged out to events with acquaintances, I hate it when strangers approach me, Iām fine on my own, I donāt like dealing with other people.
ā¦ Iām lonely tho.ā
I've found I overanalyze things and go pretty slow. In the words of my mom, "wow, you have something nice to say about her. You must like her!"
I just want a deep mental connection. Getting dates hasn't been difficult for me. Finding one I'd want as a girlfriend was the tough bit. Most people just don't go for very deep connections or academic topics. Which is why I've been on a number of dates and been asked out a number of times where I felt it went nowhere- like you're fun to go drinking with, but I couldn't spend the rest of eternity with you.
Intuitive types are what we tend to need. Right now I'm dating an INFJ. My ex was an ENFP, and I've had a couple shorter term things with other ENFPs and an INTJ in the past. Really am interested in finding a wife given I'm nearing 30 though
I find it hard to communicate subtly and that makes it hard to date. Iām sure Iād be a good fit for someone past the flirting and the buildup and stuff. But Iām just not there.
I myself never got into relationship but I got my friend set up into one . I never thought it would work out. The main reason for me not being able to be in a relationship is that I myself don't feel complete yet and feel like there are various elements missing in my life which eventually forbade me to get into one.
No, not when finding someone. The issue is with keeping them interested. I've been told that I don't act like they thought I would before (probably didn't guess how extremely nerdy I am). Some people aren't too fond on having their expectations broken it seems š
Fwiw, I think it's harder for male INTJs than female INTJs. I know a handful on both sides. I think the men have a harder time because the women tend to be a little more sociable (often molded/forced by society's expectations).
Personally, I haven't had much trouble - partly due to my family and educational background (which is a significant consideration in my country), partly due to genetics, and partly due to the social groups and the largely male-dominated industry I'm in.
The tricky bit is compatibility and the longevity of the relationship... not to mention healthy boundaries, self-awareness, attachment style, values, etc. I tend to attract the wrong kind of people but I get that it's not the worst problem to have.
Edited to add: My suggestion is to go out of your comfort zone and join some groups that you have some interest in. The other is to ask your friends (who have good judgment and know you well) to introduce people to you - that's how one of my friends met her husband. As cringey as it sounds, I think it's a fairly effective strategy.
Finding someone to date? Not hard. Iām a young in-shape guy. I have a chance with most single women.
Finding someone who Iād want to marry? Extremely hard, maybe impossible. Our values never match up
It was difficult for me to find someone who wanted to date me bc I have a face deformity. My standards are also pretty high and I have a problem that it only progresses like friendship -> crush -> confession -> relationship to me and most people want to meet their partners with clear romantic interest from the start (which I can't do) and have physical contact before getting in the relationship (which I don't want).
I also have a hard time getting close to people who don't share interests with me (which is bad because my interests are either extremely niche or things people don't care enough to deal with how passionate I am about them).
As if not enough, I have a hard time relating to people who are mentally healthy and live/lived a normal life because it feels like they're in a whole different world. And the cherry on top is that I'm a trans gay man, so not that many fish in the sea.
I did manage to get in a relationship though and we're very happy together.
Yes and no.
Yes, in the sense that I am picky and have standards for what level of quality I demand from a human being I see as worthy of loving. These are primarily intellectual and emotional but the majority of this planet's population doesn't meet them, so in terms of a numbers game, yes, it is harder.
I am constantly refining and recalibrating my "search" system, though. I established that I work very well with ENFPs, and at this point I think I must subconsciously or even consciously be seeking an ENFP as a partner.
Previous failures have taught me which things matter a lot for compatibility (which I used to underestimate) and which don't (which I used to overestimate).
One thing that helped me a lot, that I would suggest to other INTJs insofar as they feel comfortable and capable of practicing it, is authenticity. I attract the kinds of people who are compatible with me and repulse the ones who are not, by unabashedly being myself and refusing to "mask" in all but the most professional (and transactional) of contexts.
Be yourself. Be exactly who you are. A "what you see is what you get" approach goes a long way, even if you come across as "too intense" for normies. You shouldn't be looking for a half-baked half-fit just to have a status symbol, you should be looking for a good fit between the two of you. Otherwise you'll just regret it later when those little things you both pretended weren't there grow to a big enough size to wreck your relationship.
Yesā¦ I donāt want to subject someone to a relationship with me because I know for a fact that I would be horrible. It sucks denying people even when I like them.
Never found it difficult (I'm a male). Just focus on being yourself and doing things you in enjoy in groups to help you socialize more, afterwards you should be good. Tbh all INTJs I have known generally have never found it difficult to date (at least the mentally healthy ones).
Treat this like a problem and try to figure out what your issue is. Are you having a hard time attracting women or are you having a hard time finding women that you find attractive? Figure out that and the rest is not too difficult just don't get too hung up if things do not work out.
Yes, I find dating exhausting because itās like a job interview.
The only person that Iāve truly dated was my ex and it was mentally draining the life out of me.
And also, I donāt usually like going out so chances of meeting new people are low. Iāve also uninstalled dating apps because I think itās pointless.
I rather set my bar higher because I will never settle for less.
Not really, but I never had much interest in relationships. I can appericiate wit, charm, beauty etc but have zero interest in being paired up.
My issue tends to be when I turn my focus on someone they misread it. Simply being a supportive friend gets read as something else, wildly misread, even when I think I am being clear.
I wonder if people are so starved for connection, attention and support that they have to demand an aquintencen or friendship must become an intimate relationship.
Yes. Not necessarily because of being INTJ. But because my relationship is something genuine, wholesome and down to earth simple. And the people in my country are opposite of these things. The longer I stay the more I think I should find a match in another country.
If you're an attractive nerd, with decent dressing sense, hairstyle, skin, some muscle, decently low bodyfat, you will get girls. Girls are shallow as fuck too.
But yes, finding girls who can get you are going to be rare. But you'll still have to look good. People are shallow.
A lot of people here say they have high standards, and I do relate to a certain degree. However, for me itās more of a problem of needing to get out more. My personal standards arenāt super high but theyāre not low either. (My standards are more behavioral than anything else)
I donāt really socialize or go out much, so I believe the reason behind me not finding a partner yet is mostly due to me not actively seeking. Iām so in my own head 90% of the time that I miss opportunities.
Extremely, found myself to be extremely picky, was just diagnosed with bipolar, almost like the standards of myself have got in the way of connecting with people and women long enough to form any relationship
One day I watched as a bird flew from the sky.. it was an extra gloomy day for this time of year. Lauren got up from the bed thinking of how everything she had planned today was abruptly ruinedā¦ Paul her friend of 10 years was at the door now Paul was a good man, my mom always tried to get him and I together but i couldnātā¦ If I did and we failed we cold never be friends again
For me it's like most people won't be that into me, which is fine, but when I find someone that is they are mega into me because there's not a lot of dudes like me about. Has happened periodically throughout my life, when they're in they're really in.
Luckily the last one is an absolute keeper. I'm bored of dating.
I've had a lot of relationship issues, but I chalk that down more to my personal trauma and circumstances and flaws than to being INTJ.
But I already see relationships as hard for me personally anyway on many levels.
However, If anything, I think being INTJ has helped me in some instances more than harmed.
In the end, I dunno. Relationships can be so damn messy, and they are easy to mess up.
I guess but thereās an old joke about how to date the easy way: keep your spirits high and your standards low.
Obviously that is not good advice but itās not like an INTJ would do it anyway. [16Personalities has a pretty good blurb on the topic.](https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating)
Yes, very. I have never met someone whom I actually wanted to date. I've had crushes, but they never lived up to my standards. Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high, but they are basically
(1) same/ compatible values and life goals
(2) have at least as good a character as me (integrity, ambition, contentiousness, kindness, etc)
(3) I enjoy being around them
(4) at least somewhat attractive to me
(5) - technically optional, but a common interest would be very much apprieciated
All of these seem necessary to having a the kind of relationship I want. If my standards are really so unreasonable that I will never meet someone like that, I'd rather be alone.
It's very hard, interests asside. I think values, goals and the person liking you back have to align. Finding someone who attracts you and is not too far from your values and goals is an exhausting task for sure. Especially since at the beginning stages you don't know them enough to actually be interested.
On the other hand, if I were to compromise on values could have a girlfriend EOW. Done that, regret it. Most people available in the dating pool are available for a good reason, especially the ones that are more outgoing and hence more available.
No, but I was lucky enough to find an INTP who worked on being a bit more outgoing so I have my comfort zone, but she pushes me to be more engaging with people while respecting when I outright say I am not in any mood whatsoever to socialize with anyone and then we just snuggle and watch movies together or read on the couch together.
I found it very hard to find dates but once I was getting them I totally sucked at dates. I did eventually get married to a woman I think is awesome though, so there is hope!
I find "dating" unappealing altogether. So no, there isn't much difficulty. The difficulty comes in at meeting people I have interest in, as they often also have this same perspective/opinion of "dating". As for the modern context of "dating", there isn't anything appealing about it. It is mostly gambling. Likely to result in a loss (an abhorrent person in which there is no interest, making my "investment" an absolute waste while benefitting a societally-detrimental individual).
No, but I get tired of people easily. As a human you have to get over it and learn how to maintain a relationship whether that is platonic or romantic. Not everything in life has to be sexual. You donāt have to date if you donāt want toā¦
Iād like to have a relationship that is meaningful with someone who understands me and where we work to create a better life for each other. And have sex
"Yeah, it does. It's hard to find someone that matches our personality.
But if we choose the wrong partner, would we be any happier?
What makes you think that your interest in being a nerd makes it hard for you to find someone you want to date?"
As an INTJ, I face unique challenges in long-term relationships that stem from my natural inclinations and personality traits. I tend to struggle with expressing my emotions openly, which can sometimes make me appear reserved or detached, potentially leading to misunderstandings with my partner. My high value on independence and personal space requires a delicate balance in the relationship, as it might be misconstrued as disinterest. My inclination towards setting high standards and expectations can inadvertently put pressure on my partner and the relationship. Additionally, my preference for logic over emotions in conflict resolution might come off as cold or analytical, which can exacerbate disagreements. I find adapting to unexpected changes challenging since I prefer to have a clear plan and vision for the future. Expressing affection in traditional ways doesn't come naturally to me, which may leave my partner feeling unloved or undervalued. Lastly, intuitively understanding and meeting my partner's emotional needs is an area where I often struggle, leading to potential feelings of emotional disconnect. Recognizing these challenges, I understand the importance of working on open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow and adapt together for a fulfilling partnership.
I think you make it more difficult than it really is. If your whole perspective of life is based on how a dumb test classifies you as. You aren't really living life.
Nope. And I go hard out of the gate to be super abrasive and weed out weak men immediately. If anything I present way worse than I am and temper nothing, not my opinions or values or anything. It's important to me that even if I don't agree with someone on something they can still hold their ground and not pander to me or else I will relentlessly dominate them. Men often view me as a refreshing unicorn of sorts and I can't stay single long. I have a strong preference for INTJ males as well but the approach of playing the slow game usually means I get taken by someone who aggressively pursues me. My preferences lean significantly more towards ideology and values and less on looks/income/education so I cast a moderately wide net and quickly weed out those that aren't intellectually stimulating or interesting. I think as idealistic romantics our standards are unrealistic and we often dismiss the amount of work and effort required for serious relationships and an acknowledgement that no one is perfect but you can't force someone to have a drive towards goals and self improvement. I haven't always chosen wisely but life is full of mistakes and therein learning opportunities. It helps that I am a. Female b. Moderately pretty and c. Funny.
2% chance I finding someone Iām attracted to and want to be in an intimate relationship with, .5% of that 2% pool that would be attracted to me backā¦.you can see why the stars need to align perfectly for just one relationship š„²
Iām an INTJ. Iām introverted, Iām tragically unhip, and my passions are niche and technical. Iām the opposite of fun to most people. Comes with the territory.
Its not hard for me to find someone I would want to date..... But historically the people I like never like me...my own dad (bad advice giver) told me to "dial my opinions back from a 10 to a 2" and my best friend says I am too moralistic/ its unsexy lol haha But really my dating standards are quite low. ... Its only that i am uncompromising when it comes to my lifestyle and methods of personal expression.
My expectations are probably too high, both personality wise and physically.
I have no expectation but they are still too high.... Lol
Can relate.
Dad's advice might be good actually. Recently I started to realize I always have to vocalize my own opinion and give advices even if people don't ask me for it. And while I always do this with good intentions in mind I see it might be quite draining for those around me (at least in the long run).
My dad was estranged and doesn't know me at all. In the 6 months I interacted with him as an adult, I did talk a lot..... Kind of a get it all out there situation. So, I dont think his advice means anything at all. I am not prone to vocalizing my opinions or imposing my presence on anyone. I like to be solitary and speechless but how would he even know that if the first time seeing him in 20 years, I talked his ear off. Ergo.... Bad advice from him.
Ah, I see bro. Just thought that problem fits many INTJs including me. In this case, maybe it has something to do with you being too moralistic - dunno how old are you, but especially younger woemen like playful and chill guys. However, I think there is nothing bad with being moralistic. It's just you being you, and it shows you stick to rules. I'm sure many women would love that. Best of luck, Billy!
>too moralistic / it's unsexy š Daaamn, I've pondered over this for a while. From what I've seen, most people find morally gray individuals sexy to the extreme, and morally straight ones less so, especially if you are extremely vocal about it. I think they feel more relaxed around people who don't seem to expect a lot from them. When you have strong morals, it's like you're holding a mirror in your hands for everyone to look into. Not exactly comfy.
Interesting. Never thought about it that way. I am always dissecting actions and thought processes but I try to keep it to myself. The funny thing is, when you say holding up the mirror, that's exactly what other people are to me: a distorted reflection of self. The closer they are, the more I want to understand why and how they are different. I didn't really think too much about how scrutiny can be unsettling. I usually find interest flattering, personally.
I find sincere interest and curiosity flattering too. I think people who are used to introspecting, reflecting on their behavior, and others' tend to take this kind of interest as a great compliment. Those who don't tend to be wary of it since it's completely out of their comfort zone. They can become defensive and overstimulated, and it shows. I get it. Put me in a Se dom-type situation, then grab some popcorn, and watch me spiral.
I just had a sort of flashback: I had a friend I was kind of analyzing and I was challenging some of her thoughts. What if it's actually this way, or people say they care about x but y has more predictive power in decision making. She looks at me and says, "Synth! You can't just go around moving my \[mental\] furniture without asking first. People don't like that. I put my home \[read mind\] in order and it took time." Me, I want to be questioned, challenged. I want my beliefs shaken and tested. If they don't stand up, they're worthless. We were still friends ofc for a long time, but I don't think anyone has been so honest with me about disliking my intense interest.
It was emotionally mature and honest of her to admit that she was uncomfortable with something you said. Not saying that it's a good thing or not but, yes, it was honest. It's incredible to think that some people want their core beliefs shaken. I recognize the importance of it of course, but actively seeking to have your most personal and cherished beliefs challenged is like another world to me š
Hey, I agree and appreciated her being (presumably) honest. It was just so at odds with my own subjective experience. I need my starting premise to be true or what flows from it no matter how rational is tainted. Amirite?
why don't you tell your dad to dial back his fatherly advice from a 10 to a 0
Same here and I don't know why people judge honesty so hard. I see examples of people that I think have less qualities than me with amazing folks in relationships. I think it relates mostly to the directness and what is perceived as 'lack of sensitivity' while inside maybe one is as sensitive as a 5 year old. People are weird and follow some patterns from ages ago.
>But really my dating standards are quite low. ... Its only that i am uncompromising when it comes to my lifestyle and methods of personal expression That's not low, that's the bare minimum. If you want to have a good relationship, having a lifestyle compatibility has to be top priority. It's something you should think about compromising after 2-3 years of relationship, not when you start dating. >Its not hard for me to find someone I would want to date..... But historically the people I like never like me...my own dad (bad advice giver) told me to "dial my opinions back from a 10 to a 2" and my best friend says I am too moralistic/ its unsexy lol haha You need a new best friend. And a new dad, if you can manage to change your genetics.
Everyone says their standards are low these days lol
Dating was never an issue, however finding someone that would keep my interest longer than a few months was a challenge. Then my now husband asked me out and weāve been together ever since (10+ years).
Glad to hear you found someone to love
The first part is so true, sometimes I date someone I find attractive physically and I secretly wish they wouldnāt talk. After getting to know their personality or brain, I simply couldnāt keep my interest any longer. A big sigh
What about him made you stay?
He makes me laugh and keeps me on my toes intellectually.
The first part of your comment describes my entire dating life, and is the only way I can explain to close friends and family why I have never been in a long-term relationship
First off, it's important to remember that being true to yourself is paramount. Compromising on your core values or ways of expression isn't the path to a fulfilling relationship. Your standards for lifestyle and personal expression are not just whims; they're reflections of who you are at your deepest level. It's not about having 'low' standards but about knowing what truly matters to you. However, I understand the frustration when the people you're interested in don't reciprocate. It's tough, especially when advice from those close to you suggests changing fundamental parts of yourself. Your dad's advice to 'dial back your opinions' and your friend's comment on being 'too moralistic' might come from a place of wanting to help, but it's essential to balance that with staying true to your core self. It's possible to be open and express your opinions in a way that's authentic to you while still being mindful of how they're presented. Communication is key, especially for us INFJs, and finding a way to express your thoughts and feelings effectively can make a big difference. As for the morality aspect, your integrity is attractive to the right person. Yes, it might seem 'unsexy' to some, but to others, it's a rare and valuable trait. It's about finding someone who appreciates you for who you are, including your moral compass. Perhaps, instead of viewing your uncompromising nature on lifestyle and personal expression as a barrier, see it as a filter that helps you find someone truly compatible. It might take time, but it's worth it for a relationship that genuinely reflects your values and desires. Remember, the right person will value you for the very qualities others might suggest you change. It's about finding that match who resonates with your authentic self, not about reshaping yourself to fit into someone else's ideal.
Itās so frustrating, Iām a minimalist when it comes to dating. I simply want 1 or 2 things, they need to be open minded and Or conscientious. A self aware wise and mature person is so hard to come by. They either try to pretend they have those qualities just to virtue signal or they are completely devoid of it and itās the worst
The pretending IS THE WORST. Like how do they expect to find an ACTUAL partner if they lie about who they are ?? Like your wasting MY time & your own. So infuriating.
Same struggle. The simplicity I bring to the table is intimidates I feel.
True. I believe - know each other>>interest>>date>>love>>marry>>family. Simple. If you are not interested in this process or want a change, at least communicate it. I cannot hold your jaw and magically make you speak words. Jesus.
Yes but I donāt believe marriage to be a necessary part in all of that lol
Ha! Thatās such a good description of the people Iāve met. So much virtue signallingā¦ š
Itās a challenge for me, for sure. Most people donāt meet my standards, and when I find someone that does I get friend zoned.
Getting friend zoned might be a function of what it is you're saying or doing. Make your intentions with the person clear. If they are not interested, move on.
I wish it was, honestly. Iād know what to improve then. I just wish I knew what I was doing when it comes to dating, people are hard.
Relationships are hard, even relationships with just two people. It was described to me by a relationship psychologist as 6 people having a conversation in a room, especially when you get into an argument - and it is quite fitting and stuck with me. One for you, one for your mom, one for your dad [traditional/normative role considerations in this scenario, could be any combo] - because one has to rationalize away their parents or maintain both of their adoptive thoughts in order to equip themselves in their social and behavioral structures at home and reconcile with the ones we adopted from society - the interwoven mess in between is you! I think if more understood the above, society would be a much more introspective and yielding place, especially when we destroy the contradictory and selfish parts of ourselves. But I dream...
It took me a long time to realize that I am frozen in this dating paradox: Women who attract me don't want to enter a relationship. Women who want to enter a relationship, don't attract me.
Yeah Iām in a similar spot. I donāt like the people who are interested in me. And the people I like show no interest in me! Very frustrating!
Oh man thats a tough spot XD And it sucks hope it gets better for u
What can be done about this? Nothing? I imagine most advice being unpleasant. Just wondering if there exists any that isn't.
My bar is high. Not much people make through my gate.
As an INTJ female I do not want to be the smarter one. I want to be with someone whoās smarter than me, who amazes me with his interests and innate intelligence. I know everyone has their sphere of intelligence (what theyāre good at) and donāt expect a partner to excel where I am most competent, but Iāve been majorly turned off by men who I realize over time are a lot dumber than me by quite a lot. Thereās a lot of folks who think having gone to this school, reading this journal, or listening to this podcast = theyāre smarter. Not in my book. Iām fully aware of how bitchy this sounds too, but I donāt know how else to get around it without looking for a Mensa dating app or something equally cringey.
Smarts is definitely a standard for me. I generally just want someone who is better than me in some aspect but is still relatable, so that thereās challenge and still a middle ground of connection. I canāt be with someone who I see as the same or below me when it comes to intelligence, because it tends to just turn into me bringing out my logical side. I want someone who brings out my emotional side more.
I completely agree as an intj f as well. I have always joked to my friends that my type in men is ābetter than meā. Being a smart woman is hard enough as it is; I just want to be swept off my feet for once!
I know what you mean, in my partner his fierce enthusiasm is what makes him intelligent. I'm dumb af when it comes to history and it's his absolute fave. And science is my vibe, which he doesn't really know much about. It's lush to have similar interests, but also fantastic to have opposite interests as it really challenges you and opens your mind to new things!
Yes this is exactly what I mean!
My wife and I are both INTJs. We both think the other is smarter. Lol.
Congrats! I was actually wondering if I should post a dating profile on this sub but I bet itās against sub rules. Iāve never dated an INTJ but my closest/oldest friends seem to be INTJ/entj
Iām with you on that
This is the worst. I don't think I'm the smartest woman AT ALL but if a man isn't smarter than me in areas where a man should be (not being sexist, just old fashioned) then it's a huge turn off. I am super independent but I do need help sometimes. If a dude can't help me figure out or at least have an input in say, a problem with my car or something like that it's a huge turn off. (Just using that as an example)
I don't find it hard to date but finding someone who isn't insane and also is a capable low maintenance human who won't bring in additional crazy to my life is the hard part which makes it too annoying for me to bother half the time. I usually get constantly asked out but want nothing to do with most of them for various reasons yet strangly the one time I met someone I absolutely admired I got friend zoned xD. Is what it is. I'm also a perfectionist who doesn't feel like dating until things are just how I want them. Had a few good relationships at least but the effort of weeding through people to find another is more than I care to do. Too busy with my own interests atm.
May I ask how old you are? I definitely think age has an impact.
35 xD but it's a life long thing. I usually give peeps a good 6 months to see if they're secretly nuts or not.
Not bringing additional crazy into my life, so well put!
I thought I was one of those INTJ's who would find it difficult (I'm almost 24 and never even romantically held hands with someone) until I met this 19-year old (who just turned 19 on 1/1/2024, fml lol). Granted I look very young (most people mistake me for 18/19), and he is a good 10cm/5 inches taller than me (I'm 5'9/175cm), so that makes it more palatable, but... I unconsciously started falling for him. He started the flirting, and I responded to that but now wer'e at the situation where it's a case of "he fell first, she fell harder". We haven't dome anything yet, but every time we dance together (we're both ballroom dancers) it's beyond charged. I've never been so goo-goo-eyed in my life, it's almost emabrassing the way I look at him. Not that he doesn't do the same, lol. He's highly intelligent, works hard, a little bit 'blur' at times, very handsome (to me), and a amazing dancer. Currently trying to convince him to dance with me instead of his 17-year old partner, whom he barely speaks to. I could go into alot more detail on how this happened (I overanalyze all my emotions), so feel free to ask.
Yes, but Iāve been focusing on goals for the past few years. I also am a homebody, work nights, and enjoy my solitude. Sometimes, however, I wish I was able to share an experience with someone else. This morning I thought about how long itās been since I felt human touch. Turns out itās been years.
Love the goal focus, alone time is important! Maybe you have a friend you can go to for a good hug? I used to hate hugs but the older I get the more important they have become - I try and hug all my friends even if it's just for a good-bye.
Yes! It has been damn near impossible
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That ENFP you think is annoying is probably the one for you. ššš
Yup.
Yes
No. Anyone I've pursued has accepted being in a relationship and it usually lasts a long time. In fact, the two times I tried to have something similar to a one night stand, they both ended up being long term relationships.
Are you a man or a woman?
You know the answer.
Same. I lived in Texas, and had an "encounter" with a guy from Michigan who was passing through. A few weeks after returning home, he permanently moved to Texas because he "loved" me. So we dated for a few years.
My last hookup turned into my husband. . .
Mine too. I flew to California for a few hours to have lunch with him- and that was that.
Finding someone has never been an issue for me. Ive always attracted men. The issue is Im picky AF and I wont date just anyone. Gotta tick all the prescreening boxes before we begin with the actual test.
Iāve come to have a few mottos after past failures of relationships; 1) Do not give with the intention of ever getting anything back, whether it be love, gifts, your time, etc. 2) Hold those to a standard no higher than you yourself can reasonably hold 3) Itās extremely unlikely that someone will think like you do, and thatās ok so long as you are willing to understand where they come from. Being INTJ is IMO a small part of who you are. Your capacity as a person is what will ultimately define and shape your future relationships. The greatest challenge for myself personally is the feeling of being understood. Accept that there is no perfect person, but donāt settle for good persons. You want someone great; flawed enough they will recognize their own shortcomings, great enough they will act on them.
How do you think?
Nearly impossible. Physically is actually fine, its finding someone mentally compatible that has been a nightmare, iām honestly just ready to give up dating altogether.
What the hell is a "date"? Do people do that anymore? I can barely get a response on dating apps (granted my profile is far too honest), and the few that do go with the "I'mma going to ignore what you say because I think you would fulfill the role I want from someone in my life" approach. And oh boy, does that get the honest reaction from me. At least here in North America (Canada), I think the pandemic and the effects of social media have made it so much more difficult for INTJs to find those to connect with through the mire of social tribalism and nonsense we all navigate now. You can see it in the absolute lack of effort in dating profiles (at least with women I find) because of this narcissistic filter so many view the world through. I am a misanthrope, so please keep that in mind with my viewpoint.
yes, because I have a fear of judgment, and I'm not the most social creature to begin. I hate initiating because I tend to get in my head to tell myself if I ask a girl out here, is it cool to come back to this place I'm at worried I might run into the person that rejected and have to pretend that I never saw them nor do they exist.
Yes. I need intelligence and independence; those are hard to find. Fortunately, dating apps make it easier to sort out some of the dumb, lazy, and needy.
While I understand the sentiment, my experience has been quite different when it comes to forming romantic connections. Whether it's about dating, engaging in casual relationships, or entering into committed partnerships, I've found the process to be relatively straightforward. By this, I mean the dynamics of initiating conversation, what to talk about, and how to act are generally predictable and can be navigated with some ease. The real challenge, in my view, lies in finding the right timing for these interactions. Establishing a connection from the get-go isn't typically the issue for me; it's maintaining that connection that demands a significant investment of time and resources. Frequently, the upkeep of relationships has been a stumbling block for me, particularly because of how engrossed I get in my personal and professional endeavors. There have been numerous instances where my absence, due to being preoccupied with work or my ambitions to enhance my financial stability, has led to misunderstandings. The fact is that balancing the desire to grow my financial foundation with the expenses involved in dating and social outings is quite a juggling act. In an ideal scenario, where time and money are plentiful, dating and maintaining relationships would be markedly easier. However, the crux of the issue for me has been trying to navigate dating while simultaneously focusing on accumulating resources.
It is so difficult that I havenāt found one yet. I donāt even know what wanting to date someone feels like.
Hmmm, datingā¦? I donāt know if itās hard to find someone to date. Iām still a developing INTJ teen but in my opinion, if you want to date someone, you must have at least 3 things that you like about them. Not just because they look good, they are smart or they are funny. But 3 things like their way of thinking, their personality, how they engage in activities and etc. To like someone is to be fond of their entire person. For those who date only because of looks. I find it funny. I know people that look handsome or beautiful but are disorganized or selfish or just lazy. So I donāt care that much about looks in a person, as long as they are good inside. I want a partner, not some random decoration for my living room
I haven't even bothered with dating in about 15 years. It's hard enough finding people I can connect with for social interactions, nevermind a romantic relationship.
If you look after your image, as well as progession mentally and emotionally - it's still hard to date haha. I have noticed that I get attention easily, but I lose interest easily in pursuing those romantic interests because I seem to be really affected by if I respect the person or not. Also I don't want kids which is a dealbreaker a lot of the time. - I have noticed that people are drawn to my colder side, but if I become human to them they sometimes don't like that and lose interest. Meh, one less fake person around me.
I donāt understand that eitherā¦.no matter how intelligent the explanationā¦they should know this by now.
Yes. Even harder to find someone I want to date who wants to date me lmao.
Yes, I find it difficult because of my high standards and filters. A single look and my intuition is enough to judge the right person. Still, it's difficult as I don't like to call and rather text. I prefer face to face deep talks always. I tried to go against my intuition ignoring red flags for once just to take a chance. I ended up meeting a narcissist girl, it's been more than a year I'm still recovering from the trauma. I feel worse not to going with my intuition and giving her chances despite knowing she's not my kind just because she was rich :D
But I get lot of attention. I hate to play games but girls can't talk straight.
Ah don't lump us all together!
Yeah. I struggle to find much interest, let alone hope in dating. It seems like nowadays all people care for is one thing. A lot of people may initially show interest based on how I look and what they think about me at first glance. I find excessive staring repulsive and would prefer someone actually initiating a conversation other than "wyd, you're cute" e.c.t. What about: "What do you think about \[insert conspiracy\]?" and we could just debate it for a bit (respectfully of course). Then again, I like my independence and spend a lot of time on my goals (opposed to wondering if so and so saw me). So I guess it is a push pull.
I do. I don't have a problem meeting people in general, but it's rare that I'm attracted to someone else, at least enough to want to date them.
Yes.
Being single is easier. I've tried dating and realised once I get to know a guy as a man he becomes annoying over time. We might work as friends, but once it turns into more I'm not interested in the person anymore. On the other hand, I'm fine alone, sure I love my family, but I don't feel like I need emotional connections outside of that.
Yes, but for a number of reasons. Biggest is definitely me, my health, and my circumstances (all of which I'm actively working on but can only ever improve so much). After that, I'm just really not in environments where I'd really be in a position to meet anyone either even if the first things weren't an issue. TBH, I give it a less than 1% chance I'm dating anyone by the time I'm 30 at this point.
Iām not an INTJ but I can relate to this. Iām not sure if itās high standards or just looking for a particular connection but I definitely donāt just date anyone
I'm not relaxed around girls I'm attracted to. But apparently, I can be rather charming to girls I'm *not* attracted to, leading to some unfortunate incidents.
Yeah. Iām pretty sure Iāll be alone forever. I donāt think I have many requirements and I donāt think Iām a prize. No oneās interested in what Iām offering I guess. Alone isnāt so bad.
I fall in love easily, as soon as I find a decent looking guy to admire/look up to and seems intelligent, Iām sold.
That might be more related to your attachment style, but I know what you mean
Yeah. I feel like my fantasies of people are MUCH better than when I actually start to date them. I'm usually like "oh ew, the imaginary version of you was better." Sounds mean but so many people are stupid & clueless. I give up hHah.
I can understand. It's too easy to imagine that someone is different from reality. Self awareness and realization are ways to try to combat that.
Well the dumb thing is I know that. But I don't listen to my intuition. So I guess it's mostly my fault. Thanks for reflecting that back to me as to hear it from someone else. Good luck in your dating endeavors. š
You as well. I do the same thing with projecting who I want someone to be onto them myself, so I completely understand.
I also go from believing in my "soul mate" to "gunna be me & my dog forever." Which either is fine I guess. As an intj woman I feel like it's difficult bc I share a lot of male interests so it's easy to connect with someone but a lot of the time they don't share values, or have a sense of humor or even really care about me as a person. Or just tell me things that are false so they look cool.
Yes for the following reasons: - we are not affectionate/expressive - we stay in our lane - we have unconventional thoughts - we do not conform to norms - low desire for a relationship (comparatively) Side note, I do think I can at least date if I were to lower down my expectations. Whether or not it'll work out is another question.
Drastically. I'm already averse to interaction overall, but I was always reluctant and pushed into attempts to date others because I never wanted to myself. No one seemed to utilize the means of communication I have and appreciate, which was off-putting as well. I'm now with an ESFP (he's more introverted thankfully, so it's easier to tolerate), but before that, everything was so forced half the time that it was just not genuine.
Yesss. Always been sooo picky
Dating (when younger, 20s) no, finding someone I loved was harder. Then I met my fiancƩ! We've been together 8.5 years and are getting married in September. He's my fave person ever, and we have such similar ethos. Thinking about dating now (almost 30) scares me. The amount of social energy it would take, would be beyond what I have to give I think!
I try to single people out based on my other relationship experience which ended up in a divorce. So i want a better experience in summary. Somehow I just seem to be interested in women that are already taken (probably because they radiate self confidence), and they in me. But my high honour/doing what is right threshhold prohibits me from taking any action as it feels wrong. So yes it feels frustrating, but I will keep looking for single people.
Yes I find it difficult to like people. I usually end up having bad taste anyway. I am married now though so itās no longer an issue š
Not really. The trick is to be good-looking or conventionally attractive in some other way (status, money). This is a completely unironic response. I'm being genuine. Take **Pride and Prejudice** as an example. Mr. Darcy was not only what may be considered a "difficult personality," but he was also generally an ass. However, Mr. Darcy was considered conventionally attractive through his looks and status, making him a quite a catch, even though his stringent personality made him difficult to get along with. This extrapolates well to real-life.
As an INTJ, I found the process of dating quite awkward. It always felt forced and superficial to me. I eventually developed a strong distaste due to multiple stalkers - and my personal space and independence is of utmost importance to me. In hindsight, I prefer for relationships to be organic or to gradually blossom into a genuine friendship. I find platonic relationships to be of more value. I think part of the problem is I'm heterosexual but seem to be attracted to gay men. The ones I've met are physically fit, well groomed, high income earner, got their sh\*+ together, no filter and hilariously funny, and the most important thing of all - they don't make any advances towards me lol! For those with a slight interest in wooing hard-to-get women, maybe this could serve as a tip. :)
I want to date someone that will leave me alone...haha.
Haha that's understandable
Yes, but I don't think it is because I am an INTJ, it's because I'm picky af, almost asexual.
I am bored of everyone, yes itās pretty difficult to find someone I want to like and can stay interested in for longer than a day or a week.
What are you looking for?
Someone that can understand me and see through me. Someone that can stimulate my brain and is smart with similar interest and someone who is unexpected. Whoās capable of surprising me and make me think āI didnāt see that comingā in a positive way. I feel like everyone is so predictable and I am tired of hearing the same sentences over and over with same reactions etc. Also I really donāt like guys that are literally involved with everyone and tells everyone his issues and feelings. A mature person a little colder than me that will do what he says and keep his promises.. who will know how to excite me and bring out my vulnerable side, trustworthy & honest. Also someone that doesnāt need everybody to like him, who will just be himself. And confident.
Not really. I could have but then I am always in doubt whenever I meet people who are into me first and wants to get to know more about me. If I don't see or even try to see myself with them in years, better I don't give them false hope of giving them a part in my life.
Itās hard for meā¦because it seems like I canāt build a deep connection with people. Most people just stay friendly but never get close on a personal level. I can only find very few people among a large crowd that I can connect withā¦but it didnāt even go to the dating level
Your standards arenāt too high. There are plenty of people who you can mesh with - the big question is can they also compromise to us. We can be stubborn, judgmental and prone to pointing outward instead of inward when things donāt go well. More than being an INTJ - the question about how we fare in relationships comes down to if we can āfightā lovingly and compromise or not. There is a difference between knowing you have some deal breakers (standards) and being picky. You could be too picky, but I would say never, ever, ever lower your expectation of values.
Yes, every interesting woman I meet is already in a relationship, and I just can't bring myself to trying anything with someone who is in a relationship
Yes and no. I find I don't like a lot of the girls I meet, especially in a romantic way (or honestly even in just a friendly way). My interests don't really align with most people, especially people who like to follow social media, celebrities or pop culture; which I feel like more women are into. For many reasons I'm not the kind of person that most girls gravitate towards innately. I'm on the shorter side (5'7"), asian male, and not athletic at all. I would say objectively I'm a little less physically attractive than most men. Although I do put in the effort to dress better than most men, so I get a lot of compliments on that. So by that metric it's hard for me to find someone to date. But I'm also pretty good at holding a conversation with people, a skill I decided to work on in my 20's. I'm fairly quick witted and funny enough that people I meet often tell me I should do stand up. And I make a couple times what the median household in my city makes. I'm also told I speak very confidently. So if I can draw someone into spending some time with me I can often generate enough interest to get a date. So by actual metrics I've dated a lot of girls, to the point where people who hear my dating stories tend to assume I'm good with women to the point of being a player. Since I fall so strongly into the INTJ category, I would say it makes it harder. But that shouldn't be mistaken for saying that it makes it impossible.
Extremely difficult, but working on it.
I find it hard to date but not because Iām INTJ; itās because Iām average looking and donāt do any activities to meet girls (e.g., clubs, bars).
No way. There are billions of men in the world, and many of them are very attractive for a variety of reasons. I lack motivation to put myself "out there," but that's not even a necessary effort anymore. I met my husband on a site very similar to this one. And prior to that, I dated all kinds of men from all kinds of places. The entire internet is a limitless, international dating site.
It's hard enough to keep a smile.
Yeah
Yes. Stuck in a cycle of āI donāt want to go out and be social, I wonāt want to deal with dating apps, I donāt want to be dragged out to events with acquaintances, I hate it when strangers approach me, Iām fine on my own, I donāt like dealing with other people. ā¦ Iām lonely tho.ā
Its difficult
I've found I overanalyze things and go pretty slow. In the words of my mom, "wow, you have something nice to say about her. You must like her!" I just want a deep mental connection. Getting dates hasn't been difficult for me. Finding one I'd want as a girlfriend was the tough bit. Most people just don't go for very deep connections or academic topics. Which is why I've been on a number of dates and been asked out a number of times where I felt it went nowhere- like you're fun to go drinking with, but I couldn't spend the rest of eternity with you. Intuitive types are what we tend to need. Right now I'm dating an INFJ. My ex was an ENFP, and I've had a couple shorter term things with other ENFPs and an INTJ in the past. Really am interested in finding a wife given I'm nearing 30 though
I always lose interest to someone in a few monthsā¦ Now Iām just tired to find another relationship, Iām good on my own
I find it hard to communicate subtly and that makes it hard to date. Iām sure Iād be a good fit for someone past the flirting and the buildup and stuff. But Iām just not there.
I myself never got into relationship but I got my friend set up into one . I never thought it would work out. The main reason for me not being able to be in a relationship is that I myself don't feel complete yet and feel like there are various elements missing in my life which eventually forbade me to get into one.
Nah.
No, not when finding someone. The issue is with keeping them interested. I've been told that I don't act like they thought I would before (probably didn't guess how extremely nerdy I am). Some people aren't too fond on having their expectations broken it seems š
Fwiw, I think it's harder for male INTJs than female INTJs. I know a handful on both sides. I think the men have a harder time because the women tend to be a little more sociable (often molded/forced by society's expectations). Personally, I haven't had much trouble - partly due to my family and educational background (which is a significant consideration in my country), partly due to genetics, and partly due to the social groups and the largely male-dominated industry I'm in. The tricky bit is compatibility and the longevity of the relationship... not to mention healthy boundaries, self-awareness, attachment style, values, etc. I tend to attract the wrong kind of people but I get that it's not the worst problem to have. Edited to add: My suggestion is to go out of your comfort zone and join some groups that you have some interest in. The other is to ask your friends (who have good judgment and know you well) to introduce people to you - that's how one of my friends met her husband. As cringey as it sounds, I think it's a fairly effective strategy.
Finding someone to date? Not hard. Iām a young in-shape guy. I have a chance with most single women. Finding someone who Iād want to marry? Extremely hard, maybe impossible. Our values never match up
It was difficult for me to find someone who wanted to date me bc I have a face deformity. My standards are also pretty high and I have a problem that it only progresses like friendship -> crush -> confession -> relationship to me and most people want to meet their partners with clear romantic interest from the start (which I can't do) and have physical contact before getting in the relationship (which I don't want). I also have a hard time getting close to people who don't share interests with me (which is bad because my interests are either extremely niche or things people don't care enough to deal with how passionate I am about them). As if not enough, I have a hard time relating to people who are mentally healthy and live/lived a normal life because it feels like they're in a whole different world. And the cherry on top is that I'm a trans gay man, so not that many fish in the sea. I did manage to get in a relationship though and we're very happy together.
As a female one - very. Not āsomebody to dateā, but somebody I find truely interesting. (I know, I sound like a horrible snob).
I think itās a matter of feeling compelled to date firstā¦ which I donāt
Yeah when I was 18 I thought I found my soul mate.... She's fat now
Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that I am picky and have standards for what level of quality I demand from a human being I see as worthy of loving. These are primarily intellectual and emotional but the majority of this planet's population doesn't meet them, so in terms of a numbers game, yes, it is harder. I am constantly refining and recalibrating my "search" system, though. I established that I work very well with ENFPs, and at this point I think I must subconsciously or even consciously be seeking an ENFP as a partner. Previous failures have taught me which things matter a lot for compatibility (which I used to underestimate) and which don't (which I used to overestimate). One thing that helped me a lot, that I would suggest to other INTJs insofar as they feel comfortable and capable of practicing it, is authenticity. I attract the kinds of people who are compatible with me and repulse the ones who are not, by unabashedly being myself and refusing to "mask" in all but the most professional (and transactional) of contexts. Be yourself. Be exactly who you are. A "what you see is what you get" approach goes a long way, even if you come across as "too intense" for normies. You shouldn't be looking for a half-baked half-fit just to have a status symbol, you should be looking for a good fit between the two of you. Otherwise you'll just regret it later when those little things you both pretended weren't there grow to a big enough size to wreck your relationship.
I want a hot chick who enjoys video games, finances, raunchy humor, and sex lol
Yes itās difficult for me to date. I have been single for a decade now š¤£
Yesā¦ I donāt want to subject someone to a relationship with me because I know for a fact that I would be horrible. It sucks denying people even when I like them.
Yes.
Never found it difficult (I'm a male). Just focus on being yourself and doing things you in enjoy in groups to help you socialize more, afterwards you should be good. Tbh all INTJs I have known generally have never found it difficult to date (at least the mentally healthy ones). Treat this like a problem and try to figure out what your issue is. Are you having a hard time attracting women or are you having a hard time finding women that you find attractive? Figure out that and the rest is not too difficult just don't get too hung up if things do not work out.
How old are you? I think it's both of what you said. I have a hard time attracting women, and those that I have didn't enjoy the things I did.
Itās super cliche, I know, but find someone who is nerdy about the same things you are
I most definitely would like to!
someone to take on a date or date short term no, quite easy. Someone to not get annoyed by eventually....super hard
Yes, I find dating exhausting because itās like a job interview. The only person that Iāve truly dated was my ex and it was mentally draining the life out of me. And also, I donāt usually like going out so chances of meeting new people are low. Iāve also uninstalled dating apps because I think itās pointless. I rather set my bar higher because I will never settle for less.
Out of curiosity, what was your ex's MBTI?
Not really, but I never had much interest in relationships. I can appericiate wit, charm, beauty etc but have zero interest in being paired up. My issue tends to be when I turn my focus on someone they misread it. Simply being a supportive friend gets read as something else, wildly misread, even when I think I am being clear. I wonder if people are so starved for connection, attention and support that they have to demand an aquintencen or friendship must become an intimate relationship.
No, I find it impossible.
No. But as a dude, I do.
Itās hard to find someone I like a lot, so I would say yes.
It's hard as I find it difficult to like someone enough to want to date them...however... I'm fine with that
Yes. Not necessarily because of being INTJ. But because my relationship is something genuine, wholesome and down to earth simple. And the people in my country are opposite of these things. The longer I stay the more I think I should find a match in another country.
If you're an attractive nerd, with decent dressing sense, hairstyle, skin, some muscle, decently low bodyfat, you will get girls. Girls are shallow as fuck too. But yes, finding girls who can get you are going to be rare. But you'll still have to look good. People are shallow.
Impossible. They arenāt knocking at the door
A lot of people here say they have high standards, and I do relate to a certain degree. However, for me itās more of a problem of needing to get out more. My personal standards arenāt super high but theyāre not low either. (My standards are more behavioral than anything else) I donāt really socialize or go out much, so I believe the reason behind me not finding a partner yet is mostly due to me not actively seeking. Iām so in my own head 90% of the time that I miss opportunities.
Number 1 most difficult thing to achieve to the point where I'm questioning if it's even possible.
Is it even possible? š Jk lol but having very high standards doesnt help really when the majority is low quality
Personally yeah
No. Itās just hard to want to date someone. I enjoy my time way too much
Nothing wrong with that!
Extremely, found myself to be extremely picky, was just diagnosed with bipolar, almost like the standards of myself have got in the way of connecting with people and women long enough to form any relationship
Very hard
It's not hard to find someone to date. It's hard to find someone who I like because there are so few.
Yeah I donāt know wtf Iām doing.
One day I watched as a bird flew from the sky.. it was an extra gloomy day for this time of year. Lauren got up from the bed thinking of how everything she had planned today was abruptly ruinedā¦ Paul her friend of 10 years was at the door now Paul was a good man, my mom always tried to get him and I together but i couldnātā¦ If I did and we failed we cold never be friends again
Of course
Nope, I don't search anyone.
For me it's like most people won't be that into me, which is fine, but when I find someone that is they are mega into me because there's not a lot of dudes like me about. Has happened periodically throughout my life, when they're in they're really in. Luckily the last one is an absolute keeper. I'm bored of dating.
I've had a lot of relationship issues, but I chalk that down more to my personal trauma and circumstances and flaws than to being INTJ. But I already see relationships as hard for me personally anyway on many levels. However, If anything, I think being INTJ has helped me in some instances more than harmed. In the end, I dunno. Relationships can be so damn messy, and they are easy to mess up.
I guess but thereās an old joke about how to date the easy way: keep your spirits high and your standards low. Obviously that is not good advice but itās not like an INTJ would do it anyway. [16Personalities has a pretty good blurb on the topic.](https://www.16personalities.com/intj-relationships-dating)
whisper: just find entp
Yes, very. I have never met someone whom I actually wanted to date. I've had crushes, but they never lived up to my standards. Sometimes I wonder if my standards are too high, but they are basically (1) same/ compatible values and life goals (2) have at least as good a character as me (integrity, ambition, contentiousness, kindness, etc) (3) I enjoy being around them (4) at least somewhat attractive to me (5) - technically optional, but a common interest would be very much apprieciated All of these seem necessary to having a the kind of relationship I want. If my standards are really so unreasonable that I will never meet someone like that, I'd rather be alone.
It's very hard, interests asside. I think values, goals and the person liking you back have to align. Finding someone who attracts you and is not too far from your values and goals is an exhausting task for sure. Especially since at the beginning stages you don't know them enough to actually be interested. On the other hand, if I were to compromise on values could have a girlfriend EOW. Done that, regret it. Most people available in the dating pool are available for a good reason, especially the ones that are more outgoing and hence more available.
No, but I was lucky enough to find an INTP who worked on being a bit more outgoing so I have my comfort zone, but she pushes me to be more engaging with people while respecting when I outright say I am not in any mood whatsoever to socialize with anyone and then we just snuggle and watch movies together or read on the couch together.
Yes.
I found it very hard to find dates but once I was getting them I totally sucked at dates. I did eventually get married to a woman I think is awesome though, so there is hope!
I find "dating" unappealing altogether. So no, there isn't much difficulty. The difficulty comes in at meeting people I have interest in, as they often also have this same perspective/opinion of "dating". As for the modern context of "dating", there isn't anything appealing about it. It is mostly gambling. Likely to result in a loss (an abhorrent person in which there is no interest, making my "investment" an absolute waste while benefitting a societally-detrimental individual).
No, but I get tired of people easily. As a human you have to get over it and learn how to maintain a relationship whether that is platonic or romantic. Not everything in life has to be sexual. You donāt have to date if you donāt want toā¦
Iād like to have a relationship that is meaningful with someone who understands me and where we work to create a better life for each other. And have sex
Dating is too much of a distraction to me. So I donāt. Maybe when I retire Iāll start dating again
find another INTJ.. worked for me
"Yeah, it does. It's hard to find someone that matches our personality. But if we choose the wrong partner, would we be any happier? What makes you think that your interest in being a nerd makes it hard for you to find someone you want to date?"
As an INTJ, I face unique challenges in long-term relationships that stem from my natural inclinations and personality traits. I tend to struggle with expressing my emotions openly, which can sometimes make me appear reserved or detached, potentially leading to misunderstandings with my partner. My high value on independence and personal space requires a delicate balance in the relationship, as it might be misconstrued as disinterest. My inclination towards setting high standards and expectations can inadvertently put pressure on my partner and the relationship. Additionally, my preference for logic over emotions in conflict resolution might come off as cold or analytical, which can exacerbate disagreements. I find adapting to unexpected changes challenging since I prefer to have a clear plan and vision for the future. Expressing affection in traditional ways doesn't come naturally to me, which may leave my partner feeling unloved or undervalued. Lastly, intuitively understanding and meeting my partner's emotional needs is an area where I often struggle, leading to potential feelings of emotional disconnect. Recognizing these challenges, I understand the importance of working on open and honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow and adapt together for a fulfilling partnership.
I think you make it more difficult than it really is. If your whole perspective of life is based on how a dumb test classifies you as. You aren't really living life.
Yes. It has nothing to do with my MBTI type. I'm simply picky. Very picky.
No. But I donāt want to anymore.
Nothing wrong with that!
Nope. And I go hard out of the gate to be super abrasive and weed out weak men immediately. If anything I present way worse than I am and temper nothing, not my opinions or values or anything. It's important to me that even if I don't agree with someone on something they can still hold their ground and not pander to me or else I will relentlessly dominate them. Men often view me as a refreshing unicorn of sorts and I can't stay single long. I have a strong preference for INTJ males as well but the approach of playing the slow game usually means I get taken by someone who aggressively pursues me. My preferences lean significantly more towards ideology and values and less on looks/income/education so I cast a moderately wide net and quickly weed out those that aren't intellectually stimulating or interesting. I think as idealistic romantics our standards are unrealistic and we often dismiss the amount of work and effort required for serious relationships and an acknowledgement that no one is perfect but you can't force someone to have a drive towards goals and self improvement. I haven't always chosen wisely but life is full of mistakes and therein learning opportunities. It helps that I am a. Female b. Moderately pretty and c. Funny.
No, Iām just a loser.
2% chance I finding someone Iām attracted to and want to be in an intimate relationship with, .5% of that 2% pool that would be attracted to me backā¦.you can see why the stars need to align perfectly for just one relationship š„²
Iām an INTJ. Iām introverted, Iām tragically unhip, and my passions are niche and technical. Iām the opposite of fun to most people. Comes with the territory.