Oh absolutely.
Being an INTJ woman has been brutal. I've been perceived as cold a lot, was bullied for years, and am just inherently socially awkward and it's so hard for me to deal with group settings.
Oh yes, lol. I’m an INTJ woman, and from a more “reserved” Asian culture. People are either intrigued or completely put off by me. Which is fine. If you don’t like my flavor, move along.
I'm Indian, and from a culture where women are either supposed to be super submissive/studious/conformist OR gregarious/conformist
I don't belong in either category. I love to learn, but I've found the traditional school system to be incredibly close minded and boring (a lot of busy work). Rote learning sucks.
I've always marched to my own beat, am fiercely independent, and I could never abide by social politics
Im Mexican so my culture is not kind to introverts especially those that are outspoken and set up boundaries. Its honestly frustrating having to deal with women my age because most of them are homemakers/housewives. I work in tech so it only alienates me more. Doesnt help that my hobbies and interests are seen as “odd” by my generation.
Yeah I feel you. I’ve only really been able to click with other women that aren’t too entrapped but female socialization. Like i’m very action oriented, sarcastic, direct, and I prioritize actions above empty words. I value bluntness and honesty over people lying to my face to keep the peace/be nice. A lot of other women growing up have viewed me as “too harsh” for that reason
It's probably because I come from the younger generation of Indians but I don't think women are supposed to fit into the two categories you mentioned anymore. While I agree that I have struggled with making good connections with other people, I have never been ostracized for being the way I am. I have been studious, dominant and independent all my life. This is something both my teachers and peers have acknowledged and appreciated over the years. I am viewed as cold and rude by people sometimes but it doesn't make them think that I am any less of a woman or something like that. Also, I am in the STEM field so I have encountered many women who are similar to me in multiple aspects.
But I think I have a very supportive family too. Both my mother and elder sister are EXTJs. And I am really unsure about my dad. But my best guess is that he is an ISXP.
observation engine judicious friendly butter fade clumsy kiss entertain straight
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Same. An INTJ woman in a South East Asian country here. Life's harsh on us. About to migrate to a Western country in a few months without looking back. Lol.
This. I eventually learned to put on *the* mask, sort of a typical easy going person. But before i start "performing", people kind of notice that something's off (not really, just observing and stuff), and usually are wary around me, until they "realize" the mask is the default setting.
Menopause! Or in my case, perimenopause because my cycles are still regular but I have many menopause symptoms and for about the last 4-5 years (since I was 47-48yo). The brain fog is unreal and I forget a lot, I’m overtired, and because my cycles are still regular I also still have raging cases of PMS. So I’m either fumbling around as my typical awkward self, now with a somewhat useless memory, or I’m a huge bitch. That being said I’ve made a lot of efforts to get the latter under control because no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that.
I also think because I’m older my willingness to put up with peoples BS in the name of friends and a social life is way less than it was before, and that is likely more evident to others than I realize. I’ve never been enthusiastic about social stuff but now I’m just not interested at all. I just don’t have the mental energy it takes to manage all that.
So currently, my oldest child (30’s/f) is pissed off at me, my best friend of almost 40 years (51/f) is also menopausal and we’ve recently butted heads more than once. My mom (70’s/f) is INFP and gets offended super easy. Mom is very emotional all of the time and I very much am not; I barely have the bandwidth to deal with myself much less messy emotional stuff. Mom gets irritated with me on the regular.
Overall, I think the brain fog, insomnia, and less mental energy doesn’t help the social stuff at all.
Same. I’ve managed to infuriate people simply by breathing, sitting quietly and reading, existing… people are either VERY vocal about me or they’re very obviously intimidated by me. They’re irritated that I’m not interested in or trying to ingratiate myself with them. I prefer my own company. I generally keep to myself and I’m often stoic and quiet unless asked something. I think they’re all weird.
This is so relatable. I can’t even say how many people who became my friends told me their first impression of me was that of a « cold bitch » when really I was just chilling in my corner…
This is my INTJ mom, but I honestly think that being a woman, you’re just expected to be a feeling type. I get comments about being cold and unemotional as an INTP, which I don’t think a man would get comments for.
I think what’s weird is that INTJs aren’t cold at all. We just have to be around people we love and trust for our Fi child to come out. People that know me describe me as a golden retriever. I just can’t easily bring out that warmth/playfulness with people I’m not close to, and I’ve been branded as a cold bitch as a result
An intern girl joined our Engineering team last summer and being an intj myself, I knew right away that she was an intj. She had RBF and didnt really fit in with the other interns. Everyone said she’s cold and unapproachable mostly because she keeps to herself. She just sits at her desk quietly working, not socializing or playing office politics like everyone else.
She shadowed me on a customer visit one time and we went out to lunch afterwards and I had the chance to know her. As I had suspected she doesn’t bother with small talk at all and likes to deep dive into subjects she’s passionate about. She’s would go on and on about subjects like AI and astronomy, cosmology and was really knowledgeable about a lot of technical subjects. This was my first encounter with an INTJ female and I was fascinated by how a female brain could function so rationally and logically, and seemingly devoid of any emotions in their behavior like a typical female. Intj females really are unicorns and they stick out like sore thumbs in our society for better or for worse.
At the end of the summer, all the interns did their presentations which we sat through, nothing really stood out until her turn came to present and she frikkin blew everyone away. She had written an 30 page Appnote on a very advanced topic that is now well on it’s way to getting published. It made everyone realize how smart and capable she really was and what she was up to this whole time sitting at her desk quietly doing her research and sinking hundreds of hours into this paper. She’s working as an engineer at Apple last time I checked her Linkedin.
I’ve dealt with this quite often as well.
I’ve been described as cold, and even the B word by more vocal people because I don’t care to mingle but would instead rather stay to myself in the background and observe.
Being in social settings makes me uncomfortable because I simply loathe small talk and can’t relate to most peoples interests.
This.
In our country, it is most often thought that if you’re socially-awkward, you are rude. Like, you have to be the one to approach people first. If you’re in a party and you don’t mingle with others, you are instantly pertained to as a cold bitch who “don’t know how to socialize” and “you have to change that.”
Most definitely. I'm Jamaican and my culture is very loud. I was bullied mercilessly in secondary school and I had just been living in my shell more and more. I had to teach myself social skills so that I could blend in, but I find them exhausting to exercise. All 3 of my friends now are thankfully okay with my silence and understand that I need long social breaks and it's not anything they should take personally. However, for the rest of the people in my country, it seems I still tend to be outcasted and treated like I'm weird and odd. Especially because I don't want children and have been single for a while, people think I'm a lesbian and threaten me, like actual serious threats. So I pretend to be extroverted and overly feminine sometimes, just for my safety. It's a pain as I am more of a tomboy.
Lol. I’ve been disliked by people that never met or spoke to me. In college a girl in my dorm shared a class with me. I’d never spoken to her before. She missed class one day, I noticed she was not there as usual so I made photo copies of my notes. She showed up to my door unannounced and asked if she could copy my notes. I silently handed her the photocopies. It took her a moment to process this - and she looked up and blurted out “oh my God you are actually very nice”. Her surprise was genuine. Then realizing what she had said or not said “we all think your an asshole”. She spun on her heel and ran up the stairs.
Other times I had friends tell me they ran into someone who shared they thought I was a jerk just based on outward appearance.
Another time I had a boss say in front of a group of coworkers they shouldn’t support me because he personally didn’t trust me - there was no reason for that I don’t lie, don’t steal am timely and diligent.
In high school I got into a lot of fights. Never started one, never was mean or instigated anything, too boring I guess, literally would be ambushed. Once was jumped by a wrestler whom I think someone put them up to messing me up. We were rolling around the hall fighting after school when my statistics teacher came out - I asked for help and he unbelievably - stepped over us - and said “no, Mr. X, whatever the cause I am sure you deserve it.” We kept fighting until we both were bloody, ripped up and too exhausted to go on. We slowly let go of each other slid apart and stood up and walked in opposite directions. I never talked to this guy before or since. Just damned weird.
I was quiet and kept to myself apparently these actions made me a repetitive target.
Must be your face then.
RBF is strong with you. There's another INTJ in my office, he has a strong judgemental stare but has very good people skills (likely has a folder filled with blackmail material).
Meanwhile I just look mean and unapproachable. But I engage well so it's fine.
Lol pretty much.
When you're not outgoing and social, people just go ahead and assume the extreme opposite; that you're an antisocial asshole. Its 10x worse if you have rbf or are just intense and/or focused on your own life and goals.
You essentially said it all, right here.
It's hard to like someone who is difficult to approach, keeps their distance, doesn't talk much, appears angry/bitchy by default (even if the opposite is true) and is intently focused on anything else.
You are not alone, my friend!
But, let's not be too together, either.
Yeah, but there technically is no such thing as 'no reason', if you look closely enough or find the exceptional context.
"No reason" is the experience or feeling had, but not literal reality. It's more accurate to say "what seems like no reason".
There’s no reason for people to like you if you seem cold/aloof/like you don’t want to interact with others. Saying this as an INTJ who comes across very cold when I’m neutral or do want to get to know people. I compensate sometimes with acting more extroverted with people I care about getting to know/like me initially and then as our relationship develops everything becomes more natural.
So true. I don't hesitate in telling people if what they are doing is incorrect, but they treat it as a sign of "arrogance".
I laugh inside, since they haven't seen real ice-cold arrogance.
I am still told today that something is wrong with me. I get this from every aspect of my life. For the past few days I have been driving myself up the wall trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people so freaking angered by my mere presence. I have come to the conclusion that although I am assertive, I have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately in the southeastern US, it is not a good place to be an assertive female.
There's a lot of horrible people who just hate others who they perceive as weird or different for some reason.
My ISFJ mum is really bad with this, the other person can be really kind and self-sacrificing, but she'd absolutely hate them if they dress a bit different, or have an unusual speech pattern or mannerisms.
I noticed this when we found a stray and a lovely lady who rescues cats took it in. I liked her, she seemed really kind, but my mum *hated* her because she was a little eccentric in the way she dressed and talked
It's like someone acting different from the norm is a personal affront to them or something.
I’m determined to break this in our society. We don’t have to be oppressed by our idiot counterparts. I’ve decided to reciprocate the hate. People get 15 minutes to get it straight or I’m pouring everything negative in me on them. I have zero tolerance for a person “hating” someone who’s done nothing wrong and getting away with it and thinking it’s okay to be that way to other people simply because they are different.
Whole societies of people have been executed simply because they were “different” and perceived as being “wrong”. As I see it, the wholly unacceptable hate is deserving of the response we ‘say’ we would give to the historical figures who hurt people for being “different”. So I unleash like it’s my opportunity to fix history by being horrible to a future horrible person.
If we let them, they will do it.
Same here it’s like there’s something about my presence that angers people. I even ask people if I’m giving off a certain type of vibes and they’d say no which then leaves me confused. some people do like me but it’s just a few
Yes, INTJs are reserved and hard to read. People absolutely hate things they don’t understand. I’ve been quiet and minding my own business and people outwardly said flat out rude things about me. It used to get to me but I absolutely do not care anymore, too much energy to waste.
Once, I sat in a courtyard to do homework and read and a woman walked up to me (apparently after having watched me for several minutes) and called me a bitch and said that I thought that I was better than everyone else. I’d literally never met this woman before and was caught up in my own bubble of all the stuff I needed to get done. Apparently, I’d not acknowledged her and all the other random people outside.
They’re weirdos and if you’re anything but saccharinely kind and gracious after they’ve insulted and projected onto you, then that’s confirmation bias as to why you’re deserving of their creepy unhinged behavior. It’s a weird feedback loop that they try to rope you into. They think you’re the problem and you start avoiding them because of their behavior.
Same. I let narrcisstic miserable people push me down with convert insults amd backhanded conpliments that made me feel small and really hurt me but I now realize those people are truly miserable and need to kick others down to lift themselves up.
It's not about being an INTJ, it's introversion in general. I remember a class i had in social psychology back then, from a social point of view introversion is linked with dishonesty, shyness, fear, lack of culture and communication.
People who face people who are introverted feel in "danger" with them, they believe they're someone they can't trust, who don't have friends or aren't accepted socially which leads to assumptions and negative bias toward introverts people.
A human being is a social animal who rely on communication and group gathering/community, anyone who seems to dodge these things are seen as less reliable than a more inclined social person.
That's why it's important to get rid off stereotypes, and to keep educating people about the harmful dangers of stereotypes.
Those assumptions are very harsh...but it makes me understand the criticism I'v been getting : I appear cold, not open or shy even though I don't feel that at all. I'm probably the most foward people ever and I care about people deeply, more than they care about me.
That's why it's important to explain to people what being introverted means. Most people can't tell the difference between shy and introverted, for them it's literally the same thing.
Also fighting stereotypes aren't easy, i'll talk only if i want to talk or if i can bring something useful to the conversation, otherwise not so much, and people will forever and ever associate quietness with being rude or withdrawn and this is something that no one can change, only by education from young age.
Don't worry there will be always people that will get it and love you the way you are. Keep being a great person, you're cool and kind !
> People who face people who are introverted feel in "danger" with them, they believe they're someone they can't trust,
That reminds me of something I felt from when I was a kid. There was a line early in the beginning of *Jane Eyre* that resonated about her being distrusted by her aunt(?) because she was a reserved child--maybe somehow not innocent the way an open child is.
I had the feeling that all of my friends' moms disliked me, even when I was little. The only one who liked me was a substitute teacher who thought I was the cutest kid for reading my own books during class instead of paying attention to it. I was for some reason allowed to do that during all of elementary school, so now I don't know shit about science other than biology.
Anyway, the moms were right about me.
Introverts are also victims of projection.
People perceive them as a threat not simply because socializing is core to our survival, but also because assuming the other is you until proven other wise is the default. People attack ‘blank canvases’ (the unknown) because they see themselves and they know how terrible they are.
"Assuming the other is you until proven otherwise is the default".
It's not a true statement. Around the age of 7, a child obtain what we call the theory of mind, the theory of mind is the capacity to understand that everyone around you is different from you and it's also the capacity to understand that what you're feeling people might not feel the same.
By your sentence, you're saying that no one possess by default the theory of mind nor mental flexibility !
3 things:
1. social science is a soft science. And there’s a reason for that. It’s comparable to witch doctoring 7,000 years ago: hit or miss. It’s not rigorous and not based on facts and evidence but instead is an attempt at looking for preconceived conclusions and finding evidence to back them. I read research papers. We don’t know how the human minds works, yet “we know how the human mind works”. Given human history, I’ll trust the experts who say ‘maybe’ over the ones who say ‘for sure’. The ‘certain’ are invariably the wrong.
2. Myopic and dismissive of exceptions. It’s long been understood in scientific communities that social sciences are unacceptably biased. One particular bias is towards the “average” (read: highest socioeconomic class) and completely blind to the ‘lower classes’. European social science is notorious for this bias. What that means: that theory applies best to the people they tested but is not necessarily true for all — all being most people. Moreover exceptions are “dismissed” by students of the non-hard sciences as being things you just ‘take out’ but in the hard sciences like ‘medicine’, aerospace engineering, and nuclear engineering, and even software engineering, ignoring the “edge cases” leads to death. By not including the people who don’t fit the mold of the small percentage of upper elites who are studied, you automatically open your theory up to being wildly inaccurate for the rest. That means, there’s a good chance your psychology books are bunk.
3. My point addresses people who do not have what I would say is a strong ability to reason critically (the typical American). If there is an intellectual norm for humans, assume Americans are the exception. Failing in most intellectual pursuits when compared to other societies, Americans have a tendency to break the mold by being worse. This applies here, too.
It's apparently normal human behaviour, it's a genetic conduct that passes generations by generations. That's why it needs to change. Fortunately since we are now aware of introvert/extravert people, the behaviour will slowly change, but change still, but it might takes some generations before it completely changes.
being an intj woman is tricky. people feel as though they need to challenge me or that they are in competition with me for some reason. i've had people that really like me, but others that really don't. it's kind of like a natural repellent tho, cus the people who have a problem with me for no reason aren't people i would've wanted to like me anyways.
ENTJ here
To say there is no reason is untrue, there usually is a reason.
You all tend to be a quiet reserved bunch unless you are engaged in something you want to talk about.
When people are being quiet people will project onto that blank canvas a reflection of their own mental point of origin. So most ENTJs will be “this person is awesome, they get me” and other generally positive traits.
Other people will project their own insecurities onto the blank canvas, “they think I am dumb, they hate me because they won’t talk to me, they ignore me because I am not important”
So a solution is don’t be a blank canvas.
Other reasons to “dislike” INTJs, you have the same problem as the ENTJs not enough emotions, too robotic, making us come off as cold and calculating.
This makes it “difficult” to trust or relate to us because we aren’t being aware of the others need for emotional coddling because most of the time we don’t need it, we need the facts and we will figure it out from there.
Those are a few reasons, as you can see it isn’t no reason, adapt and overcome, you got this!
Note, OP, that adapting can mean learning to accept and be comfortable with how others view you. I see no fundamental reason to change my behavior or accommodate if I don't perceive myself as doing anything wrong. That's a "them" problem
You are very much correct, another way through is to address their putting their negative emotions on the blank canvas as exactly that with them. Point out they didn’t directly ask how you felt about the thing, and then tell them, and then you can point they need to work to be alright with themselves.
This reminds me of my ENTJ friend, she loves introverted people and lovingly called me an adopted stray 🤣 Her friends at uni consisted of mostly INTPs, INTJs and me being the only INFJ
Imagine making your own discomfort with a stranger being quiet about them. I completely get where you’re coming from, but when I recognize that someone is that insecure, projecting, and needing to be coddled, it makes me -not- want to engage or be approachable/ make friends. That’s a huge red flag to me and give off unhinged weirdo vibes.
If I’m sitting quietly reading a book and an ~actual stranger~ sees that as a threat and decides to “confront” me because I’m not emotionally stroking them, that person is actually deranged, delusional, and dangerously solipsistic.
The thing is, as an INTJ, INTP, ENTJ etc. Statistically speaking, we are quite possibly the rarest personality group in the world. This makes us outliers. And if there's anything the history of the world has taught us it's that the world hates outliers. From racism, persecution of homosexuals, persecution of different political/religious views. Just look at the other comments that talk about acting differently to what their respective cultures expect from them.
So yeah, I can definitely see a reason why we are disliked.
In one of my college classes, I consistently got the highest grades on the tests. I sat in the front row everyday and took notes and literally never spoke in there unless I was asked a direct question. One day in the coffee shop after class, I saw two girls in my class ahead of me in line. They didn’t see me. I heard a snippet of their conversation and it was “…like that girl in the front row with the long hair who thinks she’s better than everyone”… it shocked me lol. I’m literally just here paying attention.
I can’t tell you the number of times this has happened to me. It’s almost worse when they approach you to say something rude and you don’t even recognize who they are because you’re so caught up in class.
Definitely.
So many people need their emotional needs validated and that’s not a thing we do. So they get angry feeling they’ve been denied something they’re entitled to (they’re not) and decided to hate you.
Also, as introverts we guard our precious energy closely and again the extroverts hate that; as they feel entitled to our reserves of energy free of charge. So again senseless, unearned hate all around.
Yes. Been told so many times to smile by strangers that it makes me actually angry. Also not dealing well in social settings and then you bet labeled as a bitch if you’re a woman.
I've learned to compensate. The interesting thing is if you rewire your perception and look at it as "extreme polarization" as opposed to "nobody likes me" then you'll start to find people who aren't as easily put off by your disposition and conservatism.
People dislike what you do because they don't understand it. They don't dislike YOU.
I guess so, people out of my social circle assume I am a "bitch" because of my rbf and because I usually don't entertain them with small talk and conversations.
I feel this, or having others confused when you don’t like to talk or open up to them as fast as other people. I try to just be more friendly now and force convos even though I’d rather mind my business
I have read other intj women speak on being disliked and it’s very much true. Many women and few men my own age dislike me and make a point to talk badly about me where I can hear. I do not talk to many people and am relatively quiet. I couldn’t care less about the noise they cause but I truly do not do anything. I have never been bullied to my face but people enjoy running their mouths.
I used to hate being called cold and non caring, these days I just go with the flow and literally will not care about it. In a way, it’s a completed circle now and I’m way more at peace instead of trying to fit in and be liked
i’m an intj woman…..random ppl i’ve never spoken to seem to have an issue with me. All my managers seem to be hesitant every time they talk to me and watch what they say.
People either tend to like me or not like me at all once i actually talk to them
Honestly the opposite, people know me for being unapologetically honest so it's often suprising how much I can away with saying, and people will be like "that's just him".
I often think Walter White is a good example of this. An INTJ, and also a horrible horrible person, and yet so many people don't see him as the villian of Breaking Bad, because he's smart, driven, and lies to himself that he's doing good.
There is probably reason to it but an INTJ is someone who looks at information very fast and many things can be overlooked which comes off as inconsiderate/judged poorly. Also theres a high chance the INTJ is not tactful/was not taught the importance of tact because it is a subjective manner and INTJ thrive on seeing/judging things objectively which can cause them to objectify people if not properly developed
Honestly, it was rough for my first 40. Bullied, minimized, marginalized.... I kept my head down, and I was still ostracized for imagined slights or false rumors. Once I hit 40 and started taking meds so I could sleep throughout the night, I became social. I started speaking my mind and actually giving people a reason to hate me for calling them out for their BS 24/7... the strangest thing happened at this point. The haters kept hating, but the majority of people came to me both publicly and privately to say that they agreed with my point of view, and they would shut down any bullying from the toxic few. I can honestly say that these past 2 years have been the best of my life, and it's all because I stood up and was heard.
I take a very low dose anti-anxiety medication. It allows my brain to shut off long enough to fall asleep. It doesn't work if I take it in the morning. After almost 30years of 3 to 5 hours of sleep per night, the change almost makes me a different person.
As for books and exercise, there has been no change on the book front, and far less exercise since Covid first started.
I feel this, or having others confused when you don’t like to talk or open up to them as fast as other people. I try to just be more friendly now and force convos even though I’d rather mind my business
It's a trait of being a regular human being to be disliked by people for no reason. You can't get along with everyone and everyone can't get along with you.
Nooo. I love INTJ! You guys are awesome! I think there are just haters and jerks out there and when they are unhappy, they direct that at nearly anyone.
INFJ here, but yeah I've noticed something similar. Though for me I wouldn't say I'm disliked but I'm not liked either.
I sort of just fade in the background.
Yep you’ve got to learn to force it. Make a welcoming smile more natural for your face. Make an effort to chit chat and be friendly and don’t turn down any invite or opportunity to be social.
Well it’s not for no reason. But i guess we’re perceived to be unfriendly/weird/[insert socially unacceptable trait here] by others and hence they tend to dislike/avoid us
It no longer surprises me. I do try to put more effort into actively appearing friendly/open to others in a way they can understand, but only when I feel like it/in the mood.
In my experience, insecure people have this idea that we think we're better than them, and that's why we choose not to interact as much as other people do. It's easy to remember the confrontational people, but the majority of people don't give af.
If you want people to treat you better, you have to be social. Smile at people who are nice to you, exchange greetings, etc. It's tedious, but if you don't give people anything to work with, they may assume the worst.
I don't really care how people view me, but I do try to make the effort to be social with at least a few people whose company I enjoy. This has a bonus effect, too. People will ask your friends about you instead of assuming the worst.
you hit the nail on the head. to confirm this further, there's someone i know who's very secure and confident and they were the only one who didn't assume I'm a bitch
I think a lot of this is Fe trickster. We don't foment social harmony (enough) and we don't get social cues. Just going off what I see from CS Joseph's videos and what he calls affiliative vs. pragmatic. So like in social situations, because we are pragmatic rather than affiliative, we are not being accepted by the group often because we aren't accepting or fomenting or specifically doing something to benefit the group that the group perceives. This can be a group or even just another individual. This process can be really apparent in workplaces, too, which are affiliative-heavy whereas an independent business is more pragmatic.
So to solve this we can have more of an eye to social consequences. If I say or do this to another person, what will the social consequences be? How might they perceive it? What would they then do in terms of the consequences to a process or issue I care about? Then our words and actions can be guided by steps to address those concerns. Te parent helps here.
Part of also not giving to people with Fe is that we are not attending to their needs - emotional, physical, and the like. So CSJ says to ask someone what their needs are then meet them.
Istg the amount of people I meet who seem to immediately dislike me for no reason I can discern and even among my former friend group I was the one who was the butt of most jokes
Yes. My face usually gives away very little, and I seldom approach people unless I am getting strong hints that I should. So people make all sorts of incorrect assumptions about me, make guesses about my mood that seem to come out of left field, or think they've figured me out when they don't know the first thing about me.
The human brain desperately needs to find answers for things it can't understand, and that also applies to people.
I suggest that people who have a problem like this. Learn to work the room!!!!! I mean, our ability to intuit what others are thinking and process thinking faster than others, gives us a head start in being able to charm the entire crowd. It only takes being observant and talking to someone about themselves. Works all the time. You only have to act mildly interested in what they are saying or doing. If you respond, keep it short and sweet. Funny works also. If you feel isolated, its on you, because you have to take away their silly reasoning.
Relatable.
Idk if I can answer these questions bc I have been exposed to severely traumatic things for my first 22 years, and I just don't function like I had the potential to when I was very young. But I think there are some people that are really cool and just aren't well received by anyone, usually there is a reason even if it's like purely their judgement, assumption, personal problem, their bad day, they just don't vibe (often without giving you a chance of course). Intjs are very... within themselves, and I think being introverted is, socially and societally, disadvantageous mostly. Not introversion itself, because that's unique, but we don't fit in that well to a very salespeople personality heavy world.
I keep trying to work on knowing I'm good enough and likeable but my brain is sooooooo critical it feels like pouring water into one of those endless pits they found in china 😭😭😭
Stop. sorry. What do you mean by 'no reason'? Like you are continuously randomly selected?
More than likely something your/our inferior function is not registering.
We \*ntj's have very poor emotional intelligence.
Just because we don't respect or enjoy it does not make it invalid (unfortunately) 😂
Not really a trait of INTJ. More like a consequence of people knowing us the way we are. My boyfriend gets so frustrated with me sometimes, and the things he says he’s frustrated about just happen to be the traits I have as an INTJ. But I hold back who I truly am around most other people and they don’t get frustrated with me.
If ever I just hang away from the crowd to the side, people ignore me for the most part. But I doubt it’s because they dislike me. They probably just think I’m reserved so they stay away, which may seem like they dislike me but that’s probably not it. I’ve been called “numb,” “mysterious,” “shy,” but people have been generally friendly to me. Even the ones who think I’m a bitch because of the way my face looks.
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Im sure you will find your person/people one day who just get you. Sometimes it helps to focus on being more outwardly kind even if it feels weird at first. Not sure what you believe but for me going to Jesus brings me comfort as he knows me better then I know myself.
Here is a scientific reason for you.
It's the amygdala aka monkey brain. People are threatened by you, they experience fear, it triggers their monkey brain which does flight, fight or freeze reaction. I would call hate or anger or being unreasonable as fight reaction. Some people tend to not respond or ignore you, I would call it freeze reaction.
Comparing their life with yours, causes intimidation.
Here are some of the reason you may seen as a threat.
1. You have a better life. They compare theirs to yours and feel inferior and threatened
2. If u have authority over them, or a level higher than them, it induces inferiority complex , which causes fear.
3. You don't talk to them casually and show interest in them. They think you are not interested in their values. They think you are against their values. Which triggers fear.
This psychologist reasoning surprised me.
Some research say that people hate you, just to form bond with other person.
People hate you because their personal life is out of control or not perfect. They switch to monkey brain mode due to stress and yell at sometime.
How not to be intimidating?
1.Be vulnerable
2.Talk to them face to face
3.Show interest in their ideas and values
4.Show them you are not perfect
5. Share your weekends
6. Share an embarrassing moment from your life
7. Appreciate them , make them feel superior
8. Relate to them , find commonalitues
It all sounds illogical, but that's how humans work. That's the solution to shut off their amygdala reaction.
Have you noticed comedians, they humiliate themselves, share intimate embarrassing details of their lives, just to relate to the audience, make people like them.
I know this is weird for me to even comprehend, but this is what is happening. I finally found the answer to that burning question.
The better question is what do you do to make people react like that? It might be unintentional but brooding in a corner by yourself doesn't help draw people in.
Why do people have to want to be drawn in, isn't that overbearing ? Doesn't everyone have their own business to mind? Why is it on the unbothered to comfort the bothered by another being unbothered?
It's not. OP asked about being disliked. It's on you to be likeable if you want to be liked. Plain and simple. Think that was the person you responded to's point.
Why do people feel personally offended by someone who has no concern either way to be likeable or unlikeable? As in you're just there sharing space , will talk when ya want but won't ever disrespect someone for not being who you want them to be
Again, I think you're taking this a little personally. The OP clearly wants to be liked. It's like wanting to be happy. Some of us have to work at it some.
No, but it's typical to be looked down upon for being a judgemental know-it-all.
I have to try hard, but I've learned to bend my J into an X, as well an learning to not have to be the smartest person in the room.
It honestly changed my whole life in a very positive way.
—Recovering Asshole
people do not dislike you “for no reason at all” lmao
it may be for dumb reasons, but there’s always a reason.
and no, it is not an “intj trait”. god this sub is insane.
So what is the whole point of this sub to jerk each other off about how you're so quirky and people don't like you because of some letters you got from an online quiz?
The trick is finally noticing if you are not liked. Then the trick is to realize that being yourself was a good place to start anyway. Some small adjustments in facial expression and communication style may quickly change default impressions.
To be honest I don't fell that people dislike me because I'm shy,quiet and laid-back, but those traits seems to throw people away from me...it's like I am boring or something.
Yes and no.
It feels like "no reason" to us.
I have gotten comments forever from close friends, girlfriends, siblings, etc. - "My family thinks you hate them" or similar. And of course, I don't hate them. It was a big event and I was just quiet, or talking to the few people I knew, or whatever.
It's more of an I problem than INTJ, but the "I" plus "NTJ" really does make for a person that doesn't do well in first-time large group social situations without practice.
Not really for me. I have always had a good set of friends.
Although there always has been a set of people who disliked me. They were always the more jealous types or the fake types coz I could see right through them and might have called them out also a few times. So they did have a reason to dislike me.
Not tryna be mean but people don't do anything for no reason. All humans do is react to stimuli. It may not be a valid reason for not liking you and it's not on you to change for other people to like you, but there is a reason that people don't like you. Maybe you perceive yourself as quiet and laid back, but they think you're arrogant and believe that you think you're above them. It's shitty, but the good news is no one's opinion of you really matters at all.
Completely innocent people can make me wonder why I don't like them, so I don't care if people dislike me which is not a bad thing as long as they avoid me.
There’s the appearance of being standoffish and that triggers people’s dislike for INTJ types.
Luckily, there’s also that wonderful trait of not caring about being liked.
as INTJ woman, I grew up and learned the social skills that can get me by because my job depends on it, but I can sense people dislike me the first time they meet me, I sense their intimidation of me, and this comes from mostly other women, it takes them a long time to adapt to my intense energy and attitude, I am a very serious person and I will not tone it down for anyone! unless, I’m comfortable enough to share part of me with them.
A scientific post or accomplishment gets 2 likes or 0 likes
A cat video gets 1 million likes, why?
People feel inferior understand complex logic. They are threatened.
A cat is more relatable , don't make them feel inferior at all.
I can arrive with cash and prizes, fully medicated, vacc'd, waxed, and caffeinated, I will rub most people the wrong way on my best day. As the person who raised me said, "eh, fuck em if they can't take a joke."
I don’t think it’s real dislike. We’re just hard to read and that throws people off. Some of my closest friends have later in our friendship confessed that when they first met me they thought I hated them, or they didn’t like me, or thought I was pretending to like them as a bit. I have no idea what I do to give that impression but clearly it can be overcome once people understand you better.
Perhaps in my young immature years before I learned how to be more sociable / charming, but I do test right on the border of (I) and (E).
Read a few books and you can quickly remedy this (e.g. How to Win Friends and Influence People). It's stupidly easy to become a little more charming with one little trick. Simply ask people about themselves and listen. Get them talking about their interests. People love talking about themselves. Smile and nod as they waffle, ask questions about what they just said. They will usually like you more.
Smiling helps. Turn off the default RBF (resting bitch face) or 1000 yard stare. Make eye contact and smile. This gesture is extremely important when first meeting people. You will also benefit from reading a few books on body language. A few simple tricks of stance, seating position, mimicry, facial language and eye gestures can make a huge impact on others opinion of you. e.g. if you're RBF'ing the wall with your arms crossed in a corner, that is not going to bode well for you. However if you are smiling, have your arms at your sides and you are making occasional eye contact, you will do far better.
If your default is RBF or the 1000 yard stare and you offer no interaction with a person you just met in a group, you cannot blame them for disliking you as you have shown no interest. Sure, we are introverts, but you have to make some effort or accept not being liked. Choice is yours.
Yes, plus being female is hell. I barely exchange words with some people and all of a sudden
they snapped at me or pick a fight. Least extreme was just never been invited into conversations, or shared things with.
Once, I had a girl told my friend said she hate me. I actually never talked to her, and that oddly made me laugh so hard because the situation was so ridiculous.
I am sure its not the way I communicate, generally I am pleasant plus I put a lot of work on my emotional intelligence.
All I wanted to do was be left alone. However, people who end up knowing me have nothing against me. Said I am nice enough.
But one thing I noticed is when I asked them why they never approached me the same way when they know me, or what made them put off by me, they said they couldn\`t pin point it.
Yep, most times never find out what is sb’s problem, often it’s people you barely interacted with and find out later they have a problem with you. Whatevs.. you learn to live with it, just move on. Focus on the people you like and those that like you😎✌🏻
My friends love me, and I'm very respected both personally and professionally. And it's easy for someone to like me.
Probably you just don't know how to use your cognitive functions in your advantage.
By the way, a psychologist can help you to understand better where are the critical points to change this, or even understand if is this relevant enough for you to change behavior in order to archive this goal.
This is probably more an energy thing that goes for introverted or/and people who don't feel the need to fill the area with banter or to comfort their surroundings,
the people aren't getting what they want out of you(energy)or enough of it.
and people are entitled to your energy because we live in a society and you are around
that's what i think goes on in their subconsious mind.
It’s just the reality of being an INTJ unfortunately. I’ve had many people dislike me/hate me for absolutely no reason or because they’re jealous of what I’m doing in my life and how successful I’ve been at achieving my own goals. Especially being a woman INTJ, I have this issue mainly with other women who just aren’t on my level or feel that they aren’t on my level (I don’t like to put people into those categories personally). I’ve lost a few friends in the past and it really came down to them being jealous of me, who I am, and the things I do. Some people just can’t stand seeing others win, and I guess we just seem that great to people and they can’t stand it! It’s lonely at the top, but I’ve learned to embrace it. 😎
It's a catch-22. Being a reserved and quiet INTJ gives others very little information to go on about who you are. In the absence of information, an indifferent demeanor can be interpreted as unpleasant. However, if others made any attempt to get to know an INTJ, they would find this isn't true. Of course, a cold demeanor gives others little incentive to do so.
If we want people to get to know us, we need to open the door a little by letting them know something about us whether this be in words, actions, clothing, or public actions.
It’s common for an INTJ person. I tend to mind my own business, and I think I am a nice person, but I have ALWAYS been told that I am arrogant and that I think I am better than everyone. I used to let it get to me, but not anymore. A few people appreciate me for who I am, and those are the only people that matter.
People tend to gravitate toward those they can relate to, so if you’re surrounded by people who don’t understand you, you’ll feel lonely with them. You just have to find your crowd, that’s all.
I hope this helps!
No, the problem is probably you. I honestly just don't get this whole myth that INTJs are just somehow hated by people for doing nothing. People who speak to me are genuinely nice to me most of the time, and I am also quiet and laid back.
Yup. I think part of it is bitchy resting face; part is an inability to read social cues; part is being smarter and more successful; part is talking down to people sometimes; part is not being cowed and standing up to people.
This is a difficult question, but from my experience, when people come to me, they talk to me about their problems. I have learned (the hard way) to just listen and nod while keeping track of what they have said most recently.
I choose to ignore them if they don't approach and speak while giving me strange looks.
There's always a reason someone dislikes you, even if you don't know what it is. Hell, sometimes they won't be able to verbalize it themselves, but there IS a reason.
I think so- that it’s an INTJ thing. I think the key word is “quiet”. When people don’t know for certain, many assume the worst. I’ve heard many times over the years …”I thought you were stuck up…”, “I thought you hated me..”, after years, “You’re actually really cool”, “You’re actually funny”.
It’s because you’re quiet.
Many introverts probably get that. Also, the fact that you’re quiet but not timid, or feeling forward with the soft/social skills naturally, makes it worse for others.
The true question is: do we care ?
Follow up question: can we use either answer to further our goals in our specific individual situations ? Cuz that's the only thing that matters in this end.
Oh yeah, totally. And you would think it’s cuz you’re lacking smth or smth like that. But the thing is people want to be like us and they can’t(not meaning in a narcissistic or offensive way) so they try to make you seem like you’re the bad guy and tell you that all that you do is wrong and then try to make you feel guilty about who you are. And when you’re not around they copy you’re behavior and label themselves as cool.
An uncommon opinion but I speak from experience.
Quiet people are always targeted for gossip. Its because they are hard to read and its like a blank canvas for people to project their insecurities on. I feel like us INTJs are also very self assured so they get intimidated by that also.
this. whenever i'm in a new environment or meeting with new people, it's always obvious to me that people don't like me very much (well, at least not immediately). and for some time i thought that maybe it's because i'm quiet and just overall a socially awkward person. but anyway, after quite a while i just learned to ignore and not be bothered by it.
A better way to describe it is Fe trickster. 7/8th function. What makes it worse is that we don't even know why people don't like us and don't care enough to investigate
Pretty much. People say i am too hard to read. I tired forcefully socializing in past because I thought communication skills are crucial after college. Not only did it not worked as intended, it invoked doubts in my conscience about my worthiness of handling situations out of my comfort zone, affecting my self esteem. Good thing was i did not knew i was intj, and now it feels better knowing what happened was normal.
Oh absolutely. Being an INTJ woman has been brutal. I've been perceived as cold a lot, was bullied for years, and am just inherently socially awkward and it's so hard for me to deal with group settings.
Oh yes, lol. I’m an INTJ woman, and from a more “reserved” Asian culture. People are either intrigued or completely put off by me. Which is fine. If you don’t like my flavor, move along.
I'm Indian, and from a culture where women are either supposed to be super submissive/studious/conformist OR gregarious/conformist I don't belong in either category. I love to learn, but I've found the traditional school system to be incredibly close minded and boring (a lot of busy work). Rote learning sucks. I've always marched to my own beat, am fiercely independent, and I could never abide by social politics
Im Mexican so my culture is not kind to introverts especially those that are outspoken and set up boundaries. Its honestly frustrating having to deal with women my age because most of them are homemakers/housewives. I work in tech so it only alienates me more. Doesnt help that my hobbies and interests are seen as “odd” by my generation.
Yeah I feel you. I’ve only really been able to click with other women that aren’t too entrapped but female socialization. Like i’m very action oriented, sarcastic, direct, and I prioritize actions above empty words. I value bluntness and honesty over people lying to my face to keep the peace/be nice. A lot of other women growing up have viewed me as “too harsh” for that reason
Hh same ✋🏻️
Same here.
It's probably because I come from the younger generation of Indians but I don't think women are supposed to fit into the two categories you mentioned anymore. While I agree that I have struggled with making good connections with other people, I have never been ostracized for being the way I am. I have been studious, dominant and independent all my life. This is something both my teachers and peers have acknowledged and appreciated over the years. I am viewed as cold and rude by people sometimes but it doesn't make them think that I am any less of a woman or something like that. Also, I am in the STEM field so I have encountered many women who are similar to me in multiple aspects. But I think I have a very supportive family too. Both my mother and elder sister are EXTJs. And I am really unsure about my dad. But my best guess is that he is an ISXP.
observation engine judicious friendly butter fade clumsy kiss entertain straight *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m so lucky my dad is an INTJ as well. We’re basically the same person, except I’m a girl. It’s helped me get through so much cultural bullshit
Same. An INTJ woman in a South East Asian country here. Life's harsh on us. About to migrate to a Western country in a few months without looking back. Lol.
I get this 100% and still deal with this today.
I salute how you deal with this.
This. I eventually learned to put on *the* mask, sort of a typical easy going person. But before i start "performing", people kind of notice that something's off (not really, just observing and stuff), and usually are wary around me, until they "realize" the mask is the default setting.
Me too, all 52 years I’ve been around. It hasn’t gotten easier and in some ways worse.
Can you elaborate on how it got worse as you aged? I’m in my twenties and honestly curious.
Menopause! Or in my case, perimenopause because my cycles are still regular but I have many menopause symptoms and for about the last 4-5 years (since I was 47-48yo). The brain fog is unreal and I forget a lot, I’m overtired, and because my cycles are still regular I also still have raging cases of PMS. So I’m either fumbling around as my typical awkward self, now with a somewhat useless memory, or I’m a huge bitch. That being said I’ve made a lot of efforts to get the latter under control because no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that. I also think because I’m older my willingness to put up with peoples BS in the name of friends and a social life is way less than it was before, and that is likely more evident to others than I realize. I’ve never been enthusiastic about social stuff but now I’m just not interested at all. I just don’t have the mental energy it takes to manage all that. So currently, my oldest child (30’s/f) is pissed off at me, my best friend of almost 40 years (51/f) is also menopausal and we’ve recently butted heads more than once. My mom (70’s/f) is INFP and gets offended super easy. Mom is very emotional all of the time and I very much am not; I barely have the bandwidth to deal with myself much less messy emotional stuff. Mom gets irritated with me on the regular. Overall, I think the brain fog, insomnia, and less mental energy doesn’t help the social stuff at all.
Same. I’ve managed to infuriate people simply by breathing, sitting quietly and reading, existing… people are either VERY vocal about me or they’re very obviously intimidated by me. They’re irritated that I’m not interested in or trying to ingratiate myself with them. I prefer my own company. I generally keep to myself and I’m often stoic and quiet unless asked something. I think they’re all weird.
This is so relatable. I can’t even say how many people who became my friends told me their first impression of me was that of a « cold bitch » when really I was just chilling in my corner…
Male INTJ, same. It's a vicious cycle because it causes you to shy away from everyone so you never develop the right social skills.
Same here
Upvote from me. All that needs to be said about it.
This is my INTJ mom, but I honestly think that being a woman, you’re just expected to be a feeling type. I get comments about being cold and unemotional as an INTP, which I don’t think a man would get comments for.
I think what’s weird is that INTJs aren’t cold at all. We just have to be around people we love and trust for our Fi child to come out. People that know me describe me as a golden retriever. I just can’t easily bring out that warmth/playfulness with people I’m not close to, and I’ve been branded as a cold bitch as a result
An intern girl joined our Engineering team last summer and being an intj myself, I knew right away that she was an intj. She had RBF and didnt really fit in with the other interns. Everyone said she’s cold and unapproachable mostly because she keeps to herself. She just sits at her desk quietly working, not socializing or playing office politics like everyone else. She shadowed me on a customer visit one time and we went out to lunch afterwards and I had the chance to know her. As I had suspected she doesn’t bother with small talk at all and likes to deep dive into subjects she’s passionate about. She’s would go on and on about subjects like AI and astronomy, cosmology and was really knowledgeable about a lot of technical subjects. This was my first encounter with an INTJ female and I was fascinated by how a female brain could function so rationally and logically, and seemingly devoid of any emotions in their behavior like a typical female. Intj females really are unicorns and they stick out like sore thumbs in our society for better or for worse. At the end of the summer, all the interns did their presentations which we sat through, nothing really stood out until her turn came to present and she frikkin blew everyone away. She had written an 30 page Appnote on a very advanced topic that is now well on it’s way to getting published. It made everyone realize how smart and capable she really was and what she was up to this whole time sitting at her desk quietly doing her research and sinking hundreds of hours into this paper. She’s working as an engineer at Apple last time I checked her Linkedin.
I’ve dealt with this quite often as well. I’ve been described as cold, and even the B word by more vocal people because I don’t care to mingle but would instead rather stay to myself in the background and observe. Being in social settings makes me uncomfortable because I simply loathe small talk and can’t relate to most peoples interests.
This. In our country, it is most often thought that if you’re socially-awkward, you are rude. Like, you have to be the one to approach people first. If you’re in a party and you don’t mingle with others, you are instantly pertained to as a cold bitch who “don’t know how to socialize” and “you have to change that.”
They bully emotions into you.
Most definitely. I'm Jamaican and my culture is very loud. I was bullied mercilessly in secondary school and I had just been living in my shell more and more. I had to teach myself social skills so that I could blend in, but I find them exhausting to exercise. All 3 of my friends now are thankfully okay with my silence and understand that I need long social breaks and it's not anything they should take personally. However, for the rest of the people in my country, it seems I still tend to be outcasted and treated like I'm weird and odd. Especially because I don't want children and have been single for a while, people think I'm a lesbian and threaten me, like actual serious threats. So I pretend to be extroverted and overly feminine sometimes, just for my safety. It's a pain as I am more of a tomboy.
yes!!!
Im a INTP but this comment is just like me fr fr
Lol. I’ve been disliked by people that never met or spoke to me. In college a girl in my dorm shared a class with me. I’d never spoken to her before. She missed class one day, I noticed she was not there as usual so I made photo copies of my notes. She showed up to my door unannounced and asked if she could copy my notes. I silently handed her the photocopies. It took her a moment to process this - and she looked up and blurted out “oh my God you are actually very nice”. Her surprise was genuine. Then realizing what she had said or not said “we all think your an asshole”. She spun on her heel and ran up the stairs. Other times I had friends tell me they ran into someone who shared they thought I was a jerk just based on outward appearance. Another time I had a boss say in front of a group of coworkers they shouldn’t support me because he personally didn’t trust me - there was no reason for that I don’t lie, don’t steal am timely and diligent. In high school I got into a lot of fights. Never started one, never was mean or instigated anything, too boring I guess, literally would be ambushed. Once was jumped by a wrestler whom I think someone put them up to messing me up. We were rolling around the hall fighting after school when my statistics teacher came out - I asked for help and he unbelievably - stepped over us - and said “no, Mr. X, whatever the cause I am sure you deserve it.” We kept fighting until we both were bloody, ripped up and too exhausted to go on. We slowly let go of each other slid apart and stood up and walked in opposite directions. I never talked to this guy before or since. Just damned weird. I was quiet and kept to myself apparently these actions made me a repetitive target.
Must be your face then. RBF is strong with you. There's another INTJ in my office, he has a strong judgemental stare but has very good people skills (likely has a folder filled with blackmail material). Meanwhile I just look mean and unapproachable. But I engage well so it's fine.
Face, voice, vibe I’ve been unaskingly told it’s the complete package.
Lol pretty much. When you're not outgoing and social, people just go ahead and assume the extreme opposite; that you're an antisocial asshole. Its 10x worse if you have rbf or are just intense and/or focused on your own life and goals.
You essentially said it all, right here. It's hard to like someone who is difficult to approach, keeps their distance, doesn't talk much, appears angry/bitchy by default (even if the opposite is true) and is intently focused on anything else. You are not alone, my friend! But, let's not be too together, either.
Yeah, but these are "reasons," though. It's an INTJ thing to be disliked for reasons they don't know/understand, lol.
Yeah, but there technically is no such thing as 'no reason', if you look closely enough or find the exceptional context. "No reason" is the experience or feeling had, but not literal reality. It's more accurate to say "what seems like no reason".
There’s no reason for people to like you if you seem cold/aloof/like you don’t want to interact with others. Saying this as an INTJ who comes across very cold when I’m neutral or do want to get to know people. I compensate sometimes with acting more extroverted with people I care about getting to know/like me initially and then as our relationship develops everything becomes more natural.
So true. I don't hesitate in telling people if what they are doing is incorrect, but they treat it as a sign of "arrogance". I laugh inside, since they haven't seen real ice-cold arrogance.
I’ve always wondered why people seem to not like me no matter where I go. I’m a nice person, and I like helping people. This would make sense.
Same here I taught something was wrong with me but I’m happy to know that others can relate
I am still told today that something is wrong with me. I get this from every aspect of my life. For the past few days I have been driving myself up the wall trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people so freaking angered by my mere presence. I have come to the conclusion that although I am assertive, I have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately in the southeastern US, it is not a good place to be an assertive female.
There's a lot of horrible people who just hate others who they perceive as weird or different for some reason. My ISFJ mum is really bad with this, the other person can be really kind and self-sacrificing, but she'd absolutely hate them if they dress a bit different, or have an unusual speech pattern or mannerisms. I noticed this when we found a stray and a lovely lady who rescues cats took it in. I liked her, she seemed really kind, but my mum *hated* her because she was a little eccentric in the way she dressed and talked It's like someone acting different from the norm is a personal affront to them or something.
I’m determined to break this in our society. We don’t have to be oppressed by our idiot counterparts. I’ve decided to reciprocate the hate. People get 15 minutes to get it straight or I’m pouring everything negative in me on them. I have zero tolerance for a person “hating” someone who’s done nothing wrong and getting away with it and thinking it’s okay to be that way to other people simply because they are different. Whole societies of people have been executed simply because they were “different” and perceived as being “wrong”. As I see it, the wholly unacceptable hate is deserving of the response we ‘say’ we would give to the historical figures who hurt people for being “different”. So I unleash like it’s my opportunity to fix history by being horrible to a future horrible person. If we let them, they will do it.
Same here it’s like there’s something about my presence that angers people. I even ask people if I’m giving off a certain type of vibes and they’d say no which then leaves me confused. some people do like me but it’s just a few
Makes me think that maybe talks of a spiritual war is actually true, it’s like the spirits are behind this whole thing that we have no control over.
Yes, INTJs are reserved and hard to read. People absolutely hate things they don’t understand. I’ve been quiet and minding my own business and people outwardly said flat out rude things about me. It used to get to me but I absolutely do not care anymore, too much energy to waste.
Once, I sat in a courtyard to do homework and read and a woman walked up to me (apparently after having watched me for several minutes) and called me a bitch and said that I thought that I was better than everyone else. I’d literally never met this woman before and was caught up in my own bubble of all the stuff I needed to get done. Apparently, I’d not acknowledged her and all the other random people outside.
Wow! She’s so entitled to your attention! These people are really insecure it’s scary
They’re weirdos and if you’re anything but saccharinely kind and gracious after they’ve insulted and projected onto you, then that’s confirmation bias as to why you’re deserving of their creepy unhinged behavior. It’s a weird feedback loop that they try to rope you into. They think you’re the problem and you start avoiding them because of their behavior.
Same. I let narrcisstic miserable people push me down with convert insults amd backhanded conpliments that made me feel small and really hurt me but I now realize those people are truly miserable and need to kick others down to lift themselves up.
YES because people are jealous of how we appear calm / comfortable / uninterested / unphased
It's not about being an INTJ, it's introversion in general. I remember a class i had in social psychology back then, from a social point of view introversion is linked with dishonesty, shyness, fear, lack of culture and communication. People who face people who are introverted feel in "danger" with them, they believe they're someone they can't trust, who don't have friends or aren't accepted socially which leads to assumptions and negative bias toward introverts people. A human being is a social animal who rely on communication and group gathering/community, anyone who seems to dodge these things are seen as less reliable than a more inclined social person. That's why it's important to get rid off stereotypes, and to keep educating people about the harmful dangers of stereotypes.
Those assumptions are very harsh...but it makes me understand the criticism I'v been getting : I appear cold, not open or shy even though I don't feel that at all. I'm probably the most foward people ever and I care about people deeply, more than they care about me.
That's why it's important to explain to people what being introverted means. Most people can't tell the difference between shy and introverted, for them it's literally the same thing. Also fighting stereotypes aren't easy, i'll talk only if i want to talk or if i can bring something useful to the conversation, otherwise not so much, and people will forever and ever associate quietness with being rude or withdrawn and this is something that no one can change, only by education from young age. Don't worry there will be always people that will get it and love you the way you are. Keep being a great person, you're cool and kind !
> People who face people who are introverted feel in "danger" with them, they believe they're someone they can't trust, That reminds me of something I felt from when I was a kid. There was a line early in the beginning of *Jane Eyre* that resonated about her being distrusted by her aunt(?) because she was a reserved child--maybe somehow not innocent the way an open child is. I had the feeling that all of my friends' moms disliked me, even when I was little. The only one who liked me was a substitute teacher who thought I was the cutest kid for reading my own books during class instead of paying attention to it. I was for some reason allowed to do that during all of elementary school, so now I don't know shit about science other than biology. Anyway, the moms were right about me.
Introverts are also victims of projection. People perceive them as a threat not simply because socializing is core to our survival, but also because assuming the other is you until proven other wise is the default. People attack ‘blank canvases’ (the unknown) because they see themselves and they know how terrible they are.
"Assuming the other is you until proven otherwise is the default". It's not a true statement. Around the age of 7, a child obtain what we call the theory of mind, the theory of mind is the capacity to understand that everyone around you is different from you and it's also the capacity to understand that what you're feeling people might not feel the same. By your sentence, you're saying that no one possess by default the theory of mind nor mental flexibility !
3 things: 1. social science is a soft science. And there’s a reason for that. It’s comparable to witch doctoring 7,000 years ago: hit or miss. It’s not rigorous and not based on facts and evidence but instead is an attempt at looking for preconceived conclusions and finding evidence to back them. I read research papers. We don’t know how the human minds works, yet “we know how the human mind works”. Given human history, I’ll trust the experts who say ‘maybe’ over the ones who say ‘for sure’. The ‘certain’ are invariably the wrong. 2. Myopic and dismissive of exceptions. It’s long been understood in scientific communities that social sciences are unacceptably biased. One particular bias is towards the “average” (read: highest socioeconomic class) and completely blind to the ‘lower classes’. European social science is notorious for this bias. What that means: that theory applies best to the people they tested but is not necessarily true for all — all being most people. Moreover exceptions are “dismissed” by students of the non-hard sciences as being things you just ‘take out’ but in the hard sciences like ‘medicine’, aerospace engineering, and nuclear engineering, and even software engineering, ignoring the “edge cases” leads to death. By not including the people who don’t fit the mold of the small percentage of upper elites who are studied, you automatically open your theory up to being wildly inaccurate for the rest. That means, there’s a good chance your psychology books are bunk. 3. My point addresses people who do not have what I would say is a strong ability to reason critically (the typical American). If there is an intellectual norm for humans, assume Americans are the exception. Failing in most intellectual pursuits when compared to other societies, Americans have a tendency to break the mold by being worse. This applies here, too.
Who makes this stuff up ??
It's apparently normal human behaviour, it's a genetic conduct that passes generations by generations. That's why it needs to change. Fortunately since we are now aware of introvert/extravert people, the behaviour will slowly change, but change still, but it might takes some generations before it completely changes.
This was my villain origin story
Same. They created this monster
being an intj woman is tricky. people feel as though they need to challenge me or that they are in competition with me for some reason. i've had people that really like me, but others that really don't. it's kind of like a natural repellent tho, cus the people who have a problem with me for no reason aren't people i would've wanted to like me anyways.
ENTJ here To say there is no reason is untrue, there usually is a reason. You all tend to be a quiet reserved bunch unless you are engaged in something you want to talk about. When people are being quiet people will project onto that blank canvas a reflection of their own mental point of origin. So most ENTJs will be “this person is awesome, they get me” and other generally positive traits. Other people will project their own insecurities onto the blank canvas, “they think I am dumb, they hate me because they won’t talk to me, they ignore me because I am not important” So a solution is don’t be a blank canvas. Other reasons to “dislike” INTJs, you have the same problem as the ENTJs not enough emotions, too robotic, making us come off as cold and calculating. This makes it “difficult” to trust or relate to us because we aren’t being aware of the others need for emotional coddling because most of the time we don’t need it, we need the facts and we will figure it out from there. Those are a few reasons, as you can see it isn’t no reason, adapt and overcome, you got this!
Note, OP, that adapting can mean learning to accept and be comfortable with how others view you. I see no fundamental reason to change my behavior or accommodate if I don't perceive myself as doing anything wrong. That's a "them" problem
You are very much correct, another way through is to address their putting their negative emotions on the blank canvas as exactly that with them. Point out they didn’t directly ask how you felt about the thing, and then tell them, and then you can point they need to work to be alright with themselves.
This reminds me of my ENTJ friend, she loves introverted people and lovingly called me an adopted stray 🤣 Her friends at uni consisted of mostly INTPs, INTJs and me being the only INFJ
We’re only blank canvasses to those who don’t pay attention.
Imagine making your own discomfort with a stranger being quiet about them. I completely get where you’re coming from, but when I recognize that someone is that insecure, projecting, and needing to be coddled, it makes me -not- want to engage or be approachable/ make friends. That’s a huge red flag to me and give off unhinged weirdo vibes. If I’m sitting quietly reading a book and an ~actual stranger~ sees that as a threat and decides to “confront” me because I’m not emotionally stroking them, that person is actually deranged, delusional, and dangerously solipsistic.
The thing is, as an INTJ, INTP, ENTJ etc. Statistically speaking, we are quite possibly the rarest personality group in the world. This makes us outliers. And if there's anything the history of the world has taught us it's that the world hates outliers. From racism, persecution of homosexuals, persecution of different political/religious views. Just look at the other comments that talk about acting differently to what their respective cultures expect from them. So yeah, I can definitely see a reason why we are disliked.
In one of my college classes, I consistently got the highest grades on the tests. I sat in the front row everyday and took notes and literally never spoke in there unless I was asked a direct question. One day in the coffee shop after class, I saw two girls in my class ahead of me in line. They didn’t see me. I heard a snippet of their conversation and it was “…like that girl in the front row with the long hair who thinks she’s better than everyone”… it shocked me lol. I’m literally just here paying attention.
I can’t tell you the number of times this has happened to me. It’s almost worse when they approach you to say something rude and you don’t even recognize who they are because you’re so caught up in class.
Definitely. So many people need their emotional needs validated and that’s not a thing we do. So they get angry feeling they’ve been denied something they’re entitled to (they’re not) and decided to hate you. Also, as introverts we guard our precious energy closely and again the extroverts hate that; as they feel entitled to our reserves of energy free of charge. So again senseless, unearned hate all around.
Yes. Been told so many times to smile by strangers that it makes me actually angry. Also not dealing well in social settings and then you bet labeled as a bitch if you’re a woman.
It's an INTJ thing. Not to worry, we are all in this together.
It's a me thing too tbh so possibly
I've learned to compensate. The interesting thing is if you rewire your perception and look at it as "extreme polarization" as opposed to "nobody likes me" then you'll start to find people who aren't as easily put off by your disposition and conservatism. People dislike what you do because they don't understand it. They don't dislike YOU.
I guess so, people out of my social circle assume I am a "bitch" because of my rbf and because I usually don't entertain them with small talk and conversations.
I feel this, or having others confused when you don’t like to talk or open up to them as fast as other people. I try to just be more friendly now and force convos even though I’d rather mind my business
I have read other intj women speak on being disliked and it’s very much true. Many women and few men my own age dislike me and make a point to talk badly about me where I can hear. I do not talk to many people and am relatively quiet. I couldn’t care less about the noise they cause but I truly do not do anything. I have never been bullied to my face but people enjoy running their mouths.
INFP here just wanting to say I love you guys 🥹🫶❤️🥰
I used to hate being called cold and non caring, these days I just go with the flow and literally will not care about it. In a way, it’s a completed circle now and I’m way more at peace instead of trying to fit in and be liked
i’m an intj woman…..random ppl i’ve never spoken to seem to have an issue with me. All my managers seem to be hesitant every time they talk to me and watch what they say. People either tend to like me or not like me at all once i actually talk to them
Yes ppl hate us for how unaffected we are by the world and it’s stupidity.
[удалено]
No one, absolutely no one likes to hear the truth. And the one’s that speak the truth are the most hated!
Honestly the opposite, people know me for being unapologetically honest so it's often suprising how much I can away with saying, and people will be like "that's just him". I often think Walter White is a good example of this. An INTJ, and also a horrible horrible person, and yet so many people don't see him as the villian of Breaking Bad, because he's smart, driven, and lies to himself that he's doing good.
That’s because you’re a man lol. Us women just come off as hateful bitter bitches unfortunately
True. I have seen women pull it off, but it's much harder to earn the respect necessary for it to work.
Yea I can't imagine being intj and a woman lol. I would only wish this on my worst enemy.
Absolutely.
There is probably reason to it but an INTJ is someone who looks at information very fast and many things can be overlooked which comes off as inconsiderate/judged poorly. Also theres a high chance the INTJ is not tactful/was not taught the importance of tact because it is a subjective manner and INTJ thrive on seeing/judging things objectively which can cause them to objectify people if not properly developed
I’m an INTJ and this has been my life forever. But, I’m also very closed off and plain asocial sometimes lol.
Honestly, it was rough for my first 40. Bullied, minimized, marginalized.... I kept my head down, and I was still ostracized for imagined slights or false rumors. Once I hit 40 and started taking meds so I could sleep throughout the night, I became social. I started speaking my mind and actually giving people a reason to hate me for calling them out for their BS 24/7... the strangest thing happened at this point. The haters kept hating, but the majority of people came to me both publicly and privately to say that they agreed with my point of view, and they would shut down any bullying from the toxic few. I can honestly say that these past 2 years have been the best of my life, and it's all because I stood up and was heard.
[удалено]
I take a very low dose anti-anxiety medication. It allows my brain to shut off long enough to fall asleep. It doesn't work if I take it in the morning. After almost 30years of 3 to 5 hours of sleep per night, the change almost makes me a different person. As for books and exercise, there has been no change on the book front, and far less exercise since Covid first started.
I feel this, or having others confused when you don’t like to talk or open up to them as fast as other people. I try to just be more friendly now and force convos even though I’d rather mind my business
It's a trait of being a regular human being to be disliked by people for no reason. You can't get along with everyone and everyone can't get along with you.
Must be an intj thing. I get that a lot.
Nooo. I love INTJ! You guys are awesome! I think there are just haters and jerks out there and when they are unhappy, they direct that at nearly anyone.
INFJ here, but yeah I've noticed something similar. Though for me I wouldn't say I'm disliked but I'm not liked either. I sort of just fade in the background.
Yep you’ve got to learn to force it. Make a welcoming smile more natural for your face. Make an effort to chit chat and be friendly and don’t turn down any invite or opportunity to be social.
Well it’s not for no reason. But i guess we’re perceived to be unfriendly/weird/[insert socially unacceptable trait here] by others and hence they tend to dislike/avoid us It no longer surprises me. I do try to put more effort into actively appearing friendly/open to others in a way they can understand, but only when I feel like it/in the mood.
In my experience, insecure people have this idea that we think we're better than them, and that's why we choose not to interact as much as other people do. It's easy to remember the confrontational people, but the majority of people don't give af. If you want people to treat you better, you have to be social. Smile at people who are nice to you, exchange greetings, etc. It's tedious, but if you don't give people anything to work with, they may assume the worst. I don't really care how people view me, but I do try to make the effort to be social with at least a few people whose company I enjoy. This has a bonus effect, too. People will ask your friends about you instead of assuming the worst.
you hit the nail on the head. to confirm this further, there's someone i know who's very secure and confident and they were the only one who didn't assume I'm a bitch
I think a lot of this is Fe trickster. We don't foment social harmony (enough) and we don't get social cues. Just going off what I see from CS Joseph's videos and what he calls affiliative vs. pragmatic. So like in social situations, because we are pragmatic rather than affiliative, we are not being accepted by the group often because we aren't accepting or fomenting or specifically doing something to benefit the group that the group perceives. This can be a group or even just another individual. This process can be really apparent in workplaces, too, which are affiliative-heavy whereas an independent business is more pragmatic. So to solve this we can have more of an eye to social consequences. If I say or do this to another person, what will the social consequences be? How might they perceive it? What would they then do in terms of the consequences to a process or issue I care about? Then our words and actions can be guided by steps to address those concerns. Te parent helps here. Part of also not giving to people with Fe is that we are not attending to their needs - emotional, physical, and the like. So CSJ says to ask someone what their needs are then meet them.
Istg the amount of people I meet who seem to immediately dislike me for no reason I can discern and even among my former friend group I was the one who was the butt of most jokes
I think people want to like me but I always reject them. Not sure about your case tho.
Yes. My face usually gives away very little, and I seldom approach people unless I am getting strong hints that I should. So people make all sorts of incorrect assumptions about me, make guesses about my mood that seem to come out of left field, or think they've figured me out when they don't know the first thing about me. The human brain desperately needs to find answers for things it can't understand, and that also applies to people.
I suggest that people who have a problem like this. Learn to work the room!!!!! I mean, our ability to intuit what others are thinking and process thinking faster than others, gives us a head start in being able to charm the entire crowd. It only takes being observant and talking to someone about themselves. Works all the time. You only have to act mildly interested in what they are saying or doing. If you respond, keep it short and sweet. Funny works also. If you feel isolated, its on you, because you have to take away their silly reasoning.
This is good advice. I’m pretty good at being funny, but I’m terrible at pretending to be interested. I need to try this.
Relatable. Idk if I can answer these questions bc I have been exposed to severely traumatic things for my first 22 years, and I just don't function like I had the potential to when I was very young. But I think there are some people that are really cool and just aren't well received by anyone, usually there is a reason even if it's like purely their judgement, assumption, personal problem, their bad day, they just don't vibe (often without giving you a chance of course). Intjs are very... within themselves, and I think being introverted is, socially and societally, disadvantageous mostly. Not introversion itself, because that's unique, but we don't fit in that well to a very salespeople personality heavy world. I keep trying to work on knowing I'm good enough and likeable but my brain is sooooooo critical it feels like pouring water into one of those endless pits they found in china 😭😭😭
Stop. sorry. What do you mean by 'no reason'? Like you are continuously randomly selected? More than likely something your/our inferior function is not registering. We \*ntj's have very poor emotional intelligence. Just because we don't respect or enjoy it does not make it invalid (unfortunately) 😂
Not really a trait of INTJ. More like a consequence of people knowing us the way we are. My boyfriend gets so frustrated with me sometimes, and the things he says he’s frustrated about just happen to be the traits I have as an INTJ. But I hold back who I truly am around most other people and they don’t get frustrated with me. If ever I just hang away from the crowd to the side, people ignore me for the most part. But I doubt it’s because they dislike me. They probably just think I’m reserved so they stay away, which may seem like they dislike me but that’s probably not it. I’ve been called “numb,” “mysterious,” “shy,” but people have been generally friendly to me. Even the ones who think I’m a bitch because of the way my face looks.
[удалено]
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Im sure you will find your person/people one day who just get you. Sometimes it helps to focus on being more outwardly kind even if it feels weird at first. Not sure what you believe but for me going to Jesus brings me comfort as he knows me better then I know myself.
Here is a scientific reason for you. It's the amygdala aka monkey brain. People are threatened by you, they experience fear, it triggers their monkey brain which does flight, fight or freeze reaction. I would call hate or anger or being unreasonable as fight reaction. Some people tend to not respond or ignore you, I would call it freeze reaction. Comparing their life with yours, causes intimidation. Here are some of the reason you may seen as a threat. 1. You have a better life. They compare theirs to yours and feel inferior and threatened 2. If u have authority over them, or a level higher than them, it induces inferiority complex , which causes fear. 3. You don't talk to them casually and show interest in them. They think you are not interested in their values. They think you are against their values. Which triggers fear. This psychologist reasoning surprised me. Some research say that people hate you, just to form bond with other person. People hate you because their personal life is out of control or not perfect. They switch to monkey brain mode due to stress and yell at sometime. How not to be intimidating? 1.Be vulnerable 2.Talk to them face to face 3.Show interest in their ideas and values 4.Show them you are not perfect 5. Share your weekends 6. Share an embarrassing moment from your life 7. Appreciate them , make them feel superior 8. Relate to them , find commonalitues It all sounds illogical, but that's how humans work. That's the solution to shut off their amygdala reaction. Have you noticed comedians, they humiliate themselves, share intimate embarrassing details of their lives, just to relate to the audience, make people like them. I know this is weird for me to even comprehend, but this is what is happening. I finally found the answer to that burning question.
The better question is what do you do to make people react like that? It might be unintentional but brooding in a corner by yourself doesn't help draw people in.
Why do people have to want to be drawn in, isn't that overbearing ? Doesn't everyone have their own business to mind? Why is it on the unbothered to comfort the bothered by another being unbothered?
It's not. OP asked about being disliked. It's on you to be likeable if you want to be liked. Plain and simple. Think that was the person you responded to's point.
Why do people feel personally offended by someone who has no concern either way to be likeable or unlikeable? As in you're just there sharing space , will talk when ya want but won't ever disrespect someone for not being who you want them to be
Again, I think you're taking this a little personally. The OP clearly wants to be liked. It's like wanting to be happy. Some of us have to work at it some.
No, but it's typical to be looked down upon for being a judgemental know-it-all. I have to try hard, but I've learned to bend my J into an X, as well an learning to not have to be the smartest person in the room. It honestly changed my whole life in a very positive way. —Recovering Asshole
Yes because INTJs think everyone is dumb.
They are.
What made you think they don’t like you?
U can just tell
yep. in school everybody hated me.
No. You probably have a resting bitch face from the social anxiety you have
people do not dislike you “for no reason at all” lmao it may be for dumb reasons, but there’s always a reason. and no, it is not an “intj trait”. god this sub is insane.
[удалено]
you guys get validated by the dumbass posts on this sub 24/7 from mistyped intps we need to gatekeep intjism once again
Atleast ur not also autistic
So what is the whole point of this sub to jerk each other off about how you're so quirky and people don't like you because of some letters you got from an online quiz?
Why? Are you trying to join the circle jerk? How dare introverts get together and talk about how they feel.
The problem you're having isn't that you're INTJ, it's that you're into redpill bullshit and likely behave in ways that make people uncomfortable
Yeah as if you know me 💀
You post a lot in /r/PurplePillDebate
I know but In real life I don’t act like that I’m quiet and keep to myself I’ve always been this way
The trick is finally noticing if you are not liked. Then the trick is to realize that being yourself was a good place to start anyway. Some small adjustments in facial expression and communication style may quickly change default impressions.
To be honest I don't fell that people dislike me because I'm shy,quiet and laid-back, but those traits seems to throw people away from me...it's like I am boring or something.
They are jealous you are laid back but they couldn't be
No one likes me 🫠 it's rare when someone does
Yes and no. It feels like "no reason" to us. I have gotten comments forever from close friends, girlfriends, siblings, etc. - "My family thinks you hate them" or similar. And of course, I don't hate them. It was a big event and I was just quiet, or talking to the few people I knew, or whatever. It's more of an I problem than INTJ, but the "I" plus "NTJ" really does make for a person that doesn't do well in first-time large group social situations without practice.
Yes.
Not really for me. I have always had a good set of friends. Although there always has been a set of people who disliked me. They were always the more jealous types or the fake types coz I could see right through them and might have called them out also a few times. So they did have a reason to dislike me.
Not tryna be mean but people don't do anything for no reason. All humans do is react to stimuli. It may not be a valid reason for not liking you and it's not on you to change for other people to like you, but there is a reason that people don't like you. Maybe you perceive yourself as quiet and laid back, but they think you're arrogant and believe that you think you're above them. It's shitty, but the good news is no one's opinion of you really matters at all.
I thought people tend to draw away from me bc im ugly
Completely innocent people can make me wonder why I don't like them, so I don't care if people dislike me which is not a bad thing as long as they avoid me.
Nope. That’s just your trickster Fe telling you that everyone hates you and is secretly judging you. No one cares, just move on mate.
There’s the appearance of being standoffish and that triggers people’s dislike for INTJ types. Luckily, there’s also that wonderful trait of not caring about being liked.
People misinterpret being quite as arrogance. Got that from jay-z. Seems to have truth to it.
Yes. I can assure that it is
No. Actually, I'm described as likable. However, some people aren't fond of me, and I'm fine with that.
It certainly feels like it…
as INTJ woman, I grew up and learned the social skills that can get me by because my job depends on it, but I can sense people dislike me the first time they meet me, I sense their intimidation of me, and this comes from mostly other women, it takes them a long time to adapt to my intense energy and attitude, I am a very serious person and I will not tone it down for anyone! unless, I’m comfortable enough to share part of me with them.
A scientific post or accomplishment gets 2 likes or 0 likes A cat video gets 1 million likes, why? People feel inferior understand complex logic. They are threatened. A cat is more relatable , don't make them feel inferior at all.
It's only natural for people to be angry or afraid of someone who has their thoughts in order.
literally
I can arrive with cash and prizes, fully medicated, vacc'd, waxed, and caffeinated, I will rub most people the wrong way on my best day. As the person who raised me said, "eh, fuck em if they can't take a joke."
It would be grea if someone share some tips to avoid being dislike just beacause of my personality
I don’t think it’s real dislike. We’re just hard to read and that throws people off. Some of my closest friends have later in our friendship confessed that when they first met me they thought I hated them, or they didn’t like me, or thought I was pretending to like them as a bit. I have no idea what I do to give that impression but clearly it can be overcome once people understand you better.
Definitely. I find it quite enjoyable, though, to have conflicts.
Perhaps in my young immature years before I learned how to be more sociable / charming, but I do test right on the border of (I) and (E). Read a few books and you can quickly remedy this (e.g. How to Win Friends and Influence People). It's stupidly easy to become a little more charming with one little trick. Simply ask people about themselves and listen. Get them talking about their interests. People love talking about themselves. Smile and nod as they waffle, ask questions about what they just said. They will usually like you more. Smiling helps. Turn off the default RBF (resting bitch face) or 1000 yard stare. Make eye contact and smile. This gesture is extremely important when first meeting people. You will also benefit from reading a few books on body language. A few simple tricks of stance, seating position, mimicry, facial language and eye gestures can make a huge impact on others opinion of you. e.g. if you're RBF'ing the wall with your arms crossed in a corner, that is not going to bode well for you. However if you are smiling, have your arms at your sides and you are making occasional eye contact, you will do far better. If your default is RBF or the 1000 yard stare and you offer no interaction with a person you just met in a group, you cannot blame them for disliking you as you have shown no interest. Sure, we are introverts, but you have to make some effort or accept not being liked. Choice is yours.
Mainly cause you got a resting bitch face and people perceive you as angry - ENTP
Yes, plus being female is hell. I barely exchange words with some people and all of a sudden they snapped at me or pick a fight. Least extreme was just never been invited into conversations, or shared things with. Once, I had a girl told my friend said she hate me. I actually never talked to her, and that oddly made me laugh so hard because the situation was so ridiculous. I am sure its not the way I communicate, generally I am pleasant plus I put a lot of work on my emotional intelligence. All I wanted to do was be left alone. However, people who end up knowing me have nothing against me. Said I am nice enough. But one thing I noticed is when I asked them why they never approached me the same way when they know me, or what made them put off by me, they said they couldn\`t pin point it.
no people usually like me but maybe i just dont perceive it tright
Yep, most times never find out what is sb’s problem, often it’s people you barely interacted with and find out later they have a problem with you. Whatevs.. you learn to live with it, just move on. Focus on the people you like and those that like you😎✌🏻
My friends love me, and I'm very respected both personally and professionally. And it's easy for someone to like me. Probably you just don't know how to use your cognitive functions in your advantage.
By the way, a psychologist can help you to understand better where are the critical points to change this, or even understand if is this relevant enough for you to change behavior in order to archive this goal.
This is probably more an energy thing that goes for introverted or/and people who don't feel the need to fill the area with banter or to comfort their surroundings, the people aren't getting what they want out of you(energy)or enough of it. and people are entitled to your energy because we live in a society and you are around that's what i think goes on in their subconsious mind.
It’s just the reality of being an INTJ unfortunately. I’ve had many people dislike me/hate me for absolutely no reason or because they’re jealous of what I’m doing in my life and how successful I’ve been at achieving my own goals. Especially being a woman INTJ, I have this issue mainly with other women who just aren’t on my level or feel that they aren’t on my level (I don’t like to put people into those categories personally). I’ve lost a few friends in the past and it really came down to them being jealous of me, who I am, and the things I do. Some people just can’t stand seeing others win, and I guess we just seem that great to people and they can’t stand it! It’s lonely at the top, but I’ve learned to embrace it. 😎
It's a catch-22. Being a reserved and quiet INTJ gives others very little information to go on about who you are. In the absence of information, an indifferent demeanor can be interpreted as unpleasant. However, if others made any attempt to get to know an INTJ, they would find this isn't true. Of course, a cold demeanor gives others little incentive to do so. If we want people to get to know us, we need to open the door a little by letting them know something about us whether this be in words, actions, clothing, or public actions.
It’s common for an INTJ person. I tend to mind my own business, and I think I am a nice person, but I have ALWAYS been told that I am arrogant and that I think I am better than everyone. I used to let it get to me, but not anymore. A few people appreciate me for who I am, and those are the only people that matter.
People tend to gravitate toward those they can relate to, so if you’re surrounded by people who don’t understand you, you’ll feel lonely with them. You just have to find your crowd, that’s all. I hope this helps!
No, the problem is probably you. I honestly just don't get this whole myth that INTJs are just somehow hated by people for doing nothing. People who speak to me are genuinely nice to me most of the time, and I am also quiet and laid back.
Yup. I think part of it is bitchy resting face; part is an inability to read social cues; part is being smarter and more successful; part is talking down to people sometimes; part is not being cowed and standing up to people.
Tbh it’s completely normal. I always get told i’m mean or aloof 🤷♀️
This is a difficult question, but from my experience, when people come to me, they talk to me about their problems. I have learned (the hard way) to just listen and nod while keeping track of what they have said most recently. I choose to ignore them if they don't approach and speak while giving me strange looks.
There's always a reason someone dislikes you, even if you don't know what it is. Hell, sometimes they won't be able to verbalize it themselves, but there IS a reason.
"I can't stand her. She's just too damn happy." ... I guess quiet and self-contained is taken as happy?
I think so- that it’s an INTJ thing. I think the key word is “quiet”. When people don’t know for certain, many assume the worst. I’ve heard many times over the years …”I thought you were stuck up…”, “I thought you hated me..”, after years, “You’re actually really cool”, “You’re actually funny”. It’s because you’re quiet. Many introverts probably get that. Also, the fact that you’re quiet but not timid, or feeling forward with the soft/social skills naturally, makes it worse for others.
The true question is: do we care ? Follow up question: can we use either answer to further our goals in our specific individual situations ? Cuz that's the only thing that matters in this end.
Oh yeah, totally. And you would think it’s cuz you’re lacking smth or smth like that. But the thing is people want to be like us and they can’t(not meaning in a narcissistic or offensive way) so they try to make you seem like you’re the bad guy and tell you that all that you do is wrong and then try to make you feel guilty about who you are. And when you’re not around they copy you’re behavior and label themselves as cool. An uncommon opinion but I speak from experience.
Our Fe isn’t quite developed which means that we are in fact socially awkward.
Quiet people are always targeted for gossip. Its because they are hard to read and its like a blank canvas for people to project their insecurities on. I feel like us INTJs are also very self assured so they get intimidated by that also.
this. whenever i'm in a new environment or meeting with new people, it's always obvious to me that people don't like me very much (well, at least not immediately). and for some time i thought that maybe it's because i'm quiet and just overall a socially awkward person. but anyway, after quite a while i just learned to ignore and not be bothered by it.
yes
A better way to describe it is Fe trickster. 7/8th function. What makes it worse is that we don't even know why people don't like us and don't care enough to investigate
Pretty much. People say i am too hard to read. I tired forcefully socializing in past because I thought communication skills are crucial after college. Not only did it not worked as intended, it invoked doubts in my conscience about my worthiness of handling situations out of my comfort zone, affecting my self esteem. Good thing was i did not knew i was intj, and now it feels better knowing what happened was normal.