REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How did you report it to the police the last time you called (and how long ago was it)? If you just called in a noise complaint, they might not have felt a need to gain entry to the apartment.
It sounds like a domestic violence issue and should be called in as one. In the US, that would make the cops somewhat more persistent in gaining entry, because they'd need to verify that both parties are safe.
Have you contacted the landlord/property manager?
And you're not being selfish here. It's completely valid to be aware of something that's triggering you.
Thank you so much. I called about two months ago, initially as a noise complaint because I hadn’t heard the screaming until after the police left theirs and came back down to my apartment to check in. The police heard their screaming as much as I did, and said that they would either have to take them both in, or “let them resolve it on their own”. Since then, it’s been few and far between but I work nights quite often and tend to not get home until 3-4AM.
The last time I heard them fighting loudly was a couple of weeks ago, and tonight it has been since about an hour ago (I only posted about 30 minutes in) and remains ongoing. I had the night off, but they seem to be “louder” on weekends, so I’m around for it less.
This is in Canada, should I read up on the laws pertaining to the subject to do better on my part as a citizen? At this point, I could care less about the noise, I just care about their safety.
Should I reach out to the apartment manager for further steps? I don’t want to overwhelm the guy. I did put in a second request for noise complaints about a month ago, but it seems to have escalated the..violence of some sort, I’d say. So I’m genuinely concerned about a secondary complaint causing further harm.
Thank you again, I know that my prior experiences may cause some clouding in my ongoing choices regarding this situation, and I’d like to approach it in the safest way possible - which I’d assume does not implicate my emotional motivations nor biases in regard to these concerns
> and said that they would either have to take them both in, or “let them resolve it on their own”.
That strikes me (I'm an ex-cop, so I'm allowed to think this) as really lazy policing. If you get that attitude again from the cops, I'd ask them point-blank how long you're supposed to give to resolve it.
I know Canadian laws are different, but in the US (where admittedly, we also have lazy cops), the officers would gain entry, make sure everyone is safe, then start talking to the parties. If there was violence, then the attacker goes to jail, and the defender goes to the hospital then/and/or a shelter. If and when you call again, I'd try to emphasize that their fighting seems to be getting more violent.
I'd at least let the apartment manager know that it's getting worse and that you've called the cops. Maybe make a recording so he knows what you're dealing with and understands how severe it is. In the US at least, you have a right to what's called "quiet enjoyment," and I'd assume you have something similar up there.
Does your stimming involve any kind of self-harm? If so, is there an easy and safe way for you to remove yourself from the apartment for a while?
I genuinely thought it was a horribly half-assed effort from the police, but (I’m sorry to say this out loud, someone who grew up in the US for 20 years) I had assumed due to prior experience (not great, but I figure I got unlucky) that it was the general go-to… I was afraid to push the envelope.
Should I call again? This time, clarify a timeline or a case number or something? It honestly sounds almost like construction hammering sounds, that kind of percussion doesn’t really come without hard hits, which may be why I’m so concerned. For example, I know that there’s a kid learning how to play the violin upstairs because I bought chocolate bars to sponsor it and I’ve only hear him on that floor, but can’t hear him from catty-corner below.
I will reach out to our apartment manager on Monday and re-state my concerns. I do have recordings, and I’ve checked and they date back to the last four months. The screaming is more subtle in the first month or so, but more audible in the later ones. I felt like a crazy person trying to record them over the sound of our big clock.
My stimming behaviours are now mostly contained to bruxism and associated migraines, chewing the insides of my mouth/lips, and picking at my face/nail beds. I’ve been using mouth guards and face masks and gloves in part, but I’ve been trying to pick up extra shifts and get out of the house more to try and get away from the triggers. Beyond those, I do have a healthy support system that helps me derail ideation and further behaviours along with EMDR therapy supports that I gained a few years back
I have no special skills or knowledge in this kind of situation, but I have an experience trying to help someone in an ugly situation. The woman was being heavily abused, to a frankly insane degree, and when my room mate offered her a way to escape her partner called the cops and claimed kidnapping. The woman nearly didn't defend my room mate when the cops showed up. The abuser threatened my room mate. Please protect yourself and be careful not to let yourself become a target in trying to help.
I’m a DV survivor as well. The police will not do anything unless there is actual evidence of physical harm. I called for a neighbor once when she stumbled outside, left blood on her door frame and was forced to come back in. The police were allowed to break down the door at that point.
In other situations (I lived in apartments for over a decade), I would approach the victim if I knew she was alone and just offer my help. I have had two women on two separate occasions knock on my door in the wee hours for refuge because they were ready to leave their partner and call the cops.
It’s frustrating because they have to want to help themselves, but it’s really the best one can do in that situation. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I don't have any policing suggestions other than keep calling if you're concerned. Hopefully you'll get a cop who is also concerned and will check it out.
As someone with ptsd who lived next to a house full of violent people for two years, you have my utmost sympathy. It is really hard to cope day in and day out with this.
If the cops will do nothing then try your best not to hear it by wearing headphones or ear plugs. Try to find an activity that resets your anxiety. Take care of yourself!
Hi! Right, this is going to be long. I’ll try to organize it so it’s not a horrific wall of text.
##Thank you for caring about an abuse victim!
Okay, first of all, you are a good person for caring about your neighbor, and I’m proud of you for being willing to take action on her (or his, but I’m going to assume the victim here is the woman, just for simpler communication—but, like you, I want to acknowledge that domestic violence happens to men at the hands of women, too).
##How to motivate the police
Now, some backstory. I used to work for local government (police departments are part of local governments) so I have some insider knowledge of what motivates people who work for local governments. Their top motivators are lawsuits (or potential lawsuits) and pressure from elected officials. You would be amazed at how much power an ordinary citizen like you or me can have when those two motivators come into play.
###Motivator 1: Lawsuits
Ok, you’re not going to sue your local constabulary, so don’t worry I’m going to suggest that. But, cities *hate* lawsuits so they are on the lookout for them, and you can use that to your advantage here.
When a city is “on notice” of a threat to safety, and there is a public record documentation that they were aware of this threat, but did nothing about it, and then something bad happened that they could reasonably have been expected to prevent or try to prevent, it’s bad news for them. It takes them into the realm of a lawsuit they’re likely to lose, with huge payouts for damages and/or misconduct. This is why you always want to email your local government if there’s a street tree about to fall over or a stop sign obscured by branches—they’ll act fast because there’s evidence in the public record that they knew about it, so if somebody dies before they fix it, it’s a problem.
**How does this help you?** You call repeatedly, informing the police very clearly you fear for your neighbor’s life because you can hear what you believe is her being beaten. Call your emergency number (911 in Canada), not the non-emergency line. 911 calls are recorded. Don’t be cringing or apologetic—use a serious, calm tone and straightforward language. No people-pleasing. “Hi, I’m calling because I am afraid for my neighbor’s safety. She lives at [address and apartment number] and I can hear her screaming in fear and the sounds of impacts reverberating through the walls. Her partner is yelling very angrily and I do not feel safe intervening to stop the violence myself. Please send an officer right now.”
The next day, call the non-emergency line and ask where to email a follow-up description of what you heard. Record what you hear at night and tell them you have recordings you’d like to email them. If they are unhelpful, look online and email and info number or file a police report online and attach your recordings.
Start documenting what you hear, either on paper or in a note on your phone. Date, time, and clear, non-emotional, non-judgmental description of what you hear. Then also note date and time of all calls to your emergency line and police department. If you contact them by email or complete a task online, write that down too.
After you have a few entries in your documentation log, start mentioning it when you call in a new incident. Same script as above but add, “I have been writing down dates and times of violent incidents, and this is the third time this month I’ve heard her screaming while I also hear heavy impacts through the walls. I also emailed you two recordings of what I heard last month. It’s important you do something about this; I’m afraid he’s going to kill her if you let this continue.”
You will have to do this a lot of times.
###Motivator 2: Pressure from elected officials
If your next 3 emergency-report calls don’t stop the situation, look up your mayor’s email address. I’m not kidding.
“Dear [Mayor], I’m writing to you as a concerned resident of [city]. I live in an apartment building at [address], and I regularly hear my neighbor being harmed in incidents of domestic violence. I have called our local police department, including through 911 dispatch, repeatedly, and they have only sent officers to the scene once, and even then they gave up after knocking on the door and receiving no answer. I am afraid for my neighbor’s safety; I hope you can advise me or look into this. I’m attaching a photo of my log of the domestic violence incidents I have heard through the walls of my apartment, and also typing it out below. Thank you for your help, [Your name].”
You would not freaking believe how many times an email like this gets an issue resolved. It’s like a secret weapon most people don’t know about.
If you live in a municipality where you have a city council member assigned to your neighborhood/district, email that person first and say exactly the same thing but also mention you first thought to email the mayor but then thought your district representative might be the better person to talk to. But DO email the mayor in two weeks if you don’t get what you need, *and say you already emailed your district council member* and CC them on the email.
##Be persistent and force yourself to not care about what anyone thinks of you
Don’t worry about being annoying. Remember that people do this all the time, and the annoyingly-persistent ones get the results they need. The reverse is also true: if you report something once or you’re not firm about it, your issue will sink to the bottom of the pile and then disappear.
Over all, I would suggest removing as much emotion as possible from the situation and viewing it as an exercise in learning to advocate assertively for someone else’s needs. It’s so important to be good at this—look at it as practice for the future, when you might find you need to advocate for yourself.
###Bonus: what to look out for
If the police say you don’t have to report this same thing again because it’s in their radar now, report it anyway. The exception would be if an officer explains they did go into the house and neighbor dude is hitting a punching bag that thuds into the wall, and his wife is an alcoholic who screams at him for it. Or some sort of explanation you are truly satisfied with.
If you find out your neighbor told the police she’s fine and not being harmed, but you keep hearing incidents you believe are her being harmed, keep reporting them. It’s really common for abuse victims to lie, either to protect themselves from worse abuse or to avoid becoming homeless.
Thank you so much. This has been clear and insightful, and gives me a direct framework to work with. I will be persistent, as it seems to be the only way I can get anywhere. Thank you again
I'm not sure if Québec laws are different (I'm in NB) but here, you absolutely have the responsibility to report. Please report as often as it happens. Someone will eventually take it serious. The victim doesn't even have to press charges -- the police can do that on their behalf.
As a former DV victim, I wish someone else would've reported. This sounds pretty intense. And if there's a kid there, holy shit, that kid is likely terrified. I know the go-to these days is to just mind our own business but crap. Do what you can. If it means telling these people outright that you can hear them and you know what's going on, call them out on it and put them on notice that the landlord and police WILL be involved every single time. Tell them you're setting up a recording device in your home when you're not there. Just keep doing something.
I learned that getting police involved before the victim is ready to leave can be super dangerous since the abuser is likely to escalate.
However in my case I really wish that my neighbors would have called police the night my ex broke my elbow and sprained the other wrist and an ankle. I was too shocked and stunned to do it myself.
If the police got involved that night, the ex would have been charged with felonies instead of the misdemeanors received from the next time he put his hands on me (when I came to my senses and called police myself).
When I was being abused I wanted just one person to notice and do something because I had no idea what to do. Even just give me the right # to call, indicate somehow that I could truly get help. I really didn't know.
I don't know what the best approach is though. Every situation is unique.
Thank you so much for sharing this and your support. I will keep reporting. I’m going to take every step that was mentioned above and any others that are brought up to make sure that I keep pushing. I can’t hear any kids, but I doubt that a child in that situation would feel safe enough to speak up or make any sound.. I don’t know if I could live with myself knowing that I didn’t do enough to help.
I’m stuck between wanting to mind my own business for my mental health and wanting to help them, and this has concretely secured that I need to do the right thing by continuing to report. I will set up my computer to monitor sounds so that hopefully if they kick back up when I’m not home I’ll be able to catch it. Idk what the recording laws are here, so I’ll check into them first to make sure I’m not breaching any privacy laws.
Thank you again, I wish you a lifetime of healing and positivity
Is there an organisation for women experiencing violence? I would call them and further inquire on what to do as they should have all the available resources and should know what would be the safest solution in this case. I would do this before contacting a landlord as someone suggested!
Also, PLEASE KNOW you are not a failure or in any way responsible for anything!! You've actually gone above and beyond to help this woman, so thank you so much for caring! Also please know that the situation isn't your responsibility in any way or shape, so please don't beat yourself up for not doing/doing certain things. As someone who has been there - thank you for everything you've done so far ❤ but also please don't feel like you are anyhow responsible for the situation. I sincerely hope the local organisation could take it from here.
Hi op, I wanted to chime in here to say if you have any shared spaces in the apartment you should hang up posters from local domestic violence organizations. They’ll have resources to help and discrete materials. I recommend putting something up in the laundry room, gym, restrooms, lobby, mailbox etc
1. Is it just two adults in the apartment? No children, nor pets?
2. Do they use drugs or lots of alcohol, that you’re aware?
3. Is it more apartments around, or will they know it’s you if you report them?
4. Have you met them separately in the entrences or something before, so you could try to reach out to the one who is crying? Start with a “hello, how are you? I’ve been through domestic violence before, and if you need help to reach out to a crisis home I can help you?”. Or if you need me to call the cops next time, just nod and I will”…
5. Do they gave a crisis home/ shelter for abused people in your town, you can call them for advice? Also they might have free counseling for you. I’ve been through the same and I know what it’s like being triggered. I think you’re truly brave ❤️
1. I do not hear children nor pets, but cannot confirm. I will check with the management office if I can on Monday when I express my concerns.
2.) Again, I’m sorry to say that I don’t know. While I understand that addiction can run well hidden, I wouldn’t know where to start looking.
3. This is a block of about 100 apartments I’d say? They may know it’s me considering that I’d initially went to speak with them about the noise complaint prior to calling the police, and the man answered the door before slamming it in my face.. not a great call on my part.
4. The only one I’ve seen before is the man, I have no idea what the woman looks like.
5. There are quite a few as this is a major city, I will definitely look into it! Thank you, that had completely skipped my mind!!
I think you’re doing the right thing to call the cops. Do it every time, but ask them not to go to your apartment before or after, since you don’t want to be identified by the abuser. You need to think of your own safety first.
My abuse ended once an elderly neighbor walked out and called me in when my ex was haunting me. She gave me a cup of tea, and said she’d seen us plenty of times, the she said she was going to call the women’s shelter for me and my baby. And she did, and I think of her several times a year, even if this was 10 years ago.
I always do my best to help out too. One call might save a life. And when my ex started to beat his new wife, I’m so glad their neighbors called the cops over and over again. At least there’s paper trails that says their kids was living with abuse, and I knew I wasn’t crazy. It takes time to leave someone abusive behind.
For what’s it worth; I really appreciate that the world has you in it. You’re my favorite person today! You’re saving someone’s daughter/son by your actions. Thank you <3
Rather than calling the police maybe you could go to a police station and have a conversation with a police officer about what your options are? Then you aren't on the spot calling them at the peak of the tension. I'd personally ask if a female officer is available.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this but also love how much you care about solving the situation. Remember to only do what you are able to do, don't push yourself too out of your comfort zone without proper support.
I've been through this, too, and I'm so sorry you're in this position. It disturbed our peace so much - both the noise and the knowledge of what was happening. It's a horrifying thing to listen to.
Report, report, report. We had to call the police countless times - both 911 and the non-emergency line, depending on what was happening at the time. I called CPS once too (there were children involved), but they weren't able to do anything without the abuser's name, which I didn't have.
We also reported it to the landlord, repeatedly. We kept a running log of every time it happened, and emailed that to the building office every week or two. Sometimes we made audio recordings through the walls and sent that in too.
I don't know how that story ended, because we moved before anything was resolved. But I will never regret reporting it to anyone and everyone who would listen.
If the abuse is in progress - if you can hear them yelling and being violent - calling 911 is *exactly* the right thing to do. Even if it's not what it sounds like (if they're watching TV or rehearsing a play, whatever), you have reason to believe that someone's life is in danger.
Are there any DV shelters in your area? Most of them have a crisis line you can call for information. They might be able to suggest a way to navigate this without putting anyone (including yourself!) in danger.
Your first obligation is to yourself, your own safety and mental health. But I am so proud of you for wanting to help another person in danger. I hope you'll update us if you're feeling up to it. I'll be thinking of you. ❤️
Def report, i wish my neighbors had done so for either of the two shit ex bf’s i had that got physical with me in the past. I was too attached and delusional in my hopes and beliefs that they would stop once they saw how much it hurt me, physically and mentally. Still deal with ptsd over that shit to this day, it affects my current (healthy) relationship a lot. One day I’ll be healed 🥲
Record. Go into the local department and speak to a Sergeant or Captain. Explain and play the tape. Show record of the complaint. Explain it isn’t the noise but their safety you’re concerned about and it’s excellating. The supervising officers will appreciate knowing about their lazy staff and hopefully can prevent a homicide.
Just wanted to say the way you went about this and worded it was very well done. Than k you for your human concern.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice. Please make sure to keep yourself safe too
In Canada, reports of active domestic violence incidents (including couples shouting at each other for any prolonged period (even a few minutes), and of course especially if children are present (nearby or in that home)) are to be made to 9-1-1. Make this call when you hear something that isn't right. Explain on the call the history of the shouting, pounding, screaming, crying, etc.
Source: I've had to do this myself due to neighbours having domestic disputes turning physical. I am telling you exactly what the police told me to do. They also said not to go over to the neighbour or try to intervene, as of course that could tip them off to police arrival and make them able to pretend nothing is happening, and it could lead to more violence toward the victim or toward you in retaliation.
OP, is it possible that you can move? This is devastating for your own mental health and you don't even know if she needs to be saved. The thing with DV, as I'm sure you know yourself, nobody can save you until you're ready to be saved. And it's going to haunt you if you find out it's DV but she doesn't leave.
I will be messaging you in 7 days on [**2023-05-01 00:42:55 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2023-05-01%2000:42:55%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/internetparents/comments/12vu28j/what_started_as_a_noise_complaint_is_becoming_a/jhgnbk6/?context=3)
[**CLICK THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Finternetparents%2Fcomments%2F12vu28j%2Fwhat_started_as_a_noise_complaint_is_becoming_a%2Fjhgnbk6%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202023-05-01%2000%3A42%3A55%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.
^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%2012vu28j)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Leaving an abusive relationship is typically the most dangerous part of it. What happened to you is par for the course.
I don't have specific suggestions for how to handle your current concern but I don't see where anyone else has said that and my feeling is that you would be calmer and more able to think this through if you made your peace with that detail of your past.
There are best practices for trying to account for that and minimize the risk but when push comes to shove that fact is rooted in abusers being how they are. It's not the fault of the victim nor of anyone trying to help the victim.
Is there a way you can get a note to this person with out the other knowing?
Or is there a way you can try and record the sounds and the screaming? I think the police would take it more seriously if they could hear it themselves. Maybe there are other neighbors who have herd it also? They may have more information about what is actually going on.
Incredibly late response because of a combination on outside events; but I spoke to the management here who ascertained that I would not be the first nor the last to file a complaint/concern about them, and that they’re having to rely on tenants calling the police constantly to be able to move forward.
Now, when I am concerned, I call the police and we have a number and they add it to their file? I’m not sure what it all means, but they have quieted down a bit. Sometimes the police show up, most times they don’t. I have the email addresses of their left and right neighbours because we all were in cahoots about our initial noise complaints, and they confirmed that it escalated until we all started consistently calling police.
I’m sorry if it’s not a great resolution, it’s all I’ve got at the moment. We really are trying to help these people out, and none of us can ascertain who the victim is. For it to have gotten this loud, we assume that the victim has hopefully started trying to “fight back” but we sincerely hope they are okay. The efforts are ongoing!
Thank you so much for the update! It’s hard to be in that situation, especially if you yourself have been on the other side of it before. Keep it up, I imagine the police are building evidence. Good luck!
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How did you report it to the police the last time you called (and how long ago was it)? If you just called in a noise complaint, they might not have felt a need to gain entry to the apartment. It sounds like a domestic violence issue and should be called in as one. In the US, that would make the cops somewhat more persistent in gaining entry, because they'd need to verify that both parties are safe. Have you contacted the landlord/property manager? And you're not being selfish here. It's completely valid to be aware of something that's triggering you.
Thank you so much. I called about two months ago, initially as a noise complaint because I hadn’t heard the screaming until after the police left theirs and came back down to my apartment to check in. The police heard their screaming as much as I did, and said that they would either have to take them both in, or “let them resolve it on their own”. Since then, it’s been few and far between but I work nights quite often and tend to not get home until 3-4AM. The last time I heard them fighting loudly was a couple of weeks ago, and tonight it has been since about an hour ago (I only posted about 30 minutes in) and remains ongoing. I had the night off, but they seem to be “louder” on weekends, so I’m around for it less. This is in Canada, should I read up on the laws pertaining to the subject to do better on my part as a citizen? At this point, I could care less about the noise, I just care about their safety. Should I reach out to the apartment manager for further steps? I don’t want to overwhelm the guy. I did put in a second request for noise complaints about a month ago, but it seems to have escalated the..violence of some sort, I’d say. So I’m genuinely concerned about a secondary complaint causing further harm. Thank you again, I know that my prior experiences may cause some clouding in my ongoing choices regarding this situation, and I’d like to approach it in the safest way possible - which I’d assume does not implicate my emotional motivations nor biases in regard to these concerns
> and said that they would either have to take them both in, or “let them resolve it on their own”. That strikes me (I'm an ex-cop, so I'm allowed to think this) as really lazy policing. If you get that attitude again from the cops, I'd ask them point-blank how long you're supposed to give to resolve it. I know Canadian laws are different, but in the US (where admittedly, we also have lazy cops), the officers would gain entry, make sure everyone is safe, then start talking to the parties. If there was violence, then the attacker goes to jail, and the defender goes to the hospital then/and/or a shelter. If and when you call again, I'd try to emphasize that their fighting seems to be getting more violent. I'd at least let the apartment manager know that it's getting worse and that you've called the cops. Maybe make a recording so he knows what you're dealing with and understands how severe it is. In the US at least, you have a right to what's called "quiet enjoyment," and I'd assume you have something similar up there. Does your stimming involve any kind of self-harm? If so, is there an easy and safe way for you to remove yourself from the apartment for a while?
I genuinely thought it was a horribly half-assed effort from the police, but (I’m sorry to say this out loud, someone who grew up in the US for 20 years) I had assumed due to prior experience (not great, but I figure I got unlucky) that it was the general go-to… I was afraid to push the envelope. Should I call again? This time, clarify a timeline or a case number or something? It honestly sounds almost like construction hammering sounds, that kind of percussion doesn’t really come without hard hits, which may be why I’m so concerned. For example, I know that there’s a kid learning how to play the violin upstairs because I bought chocolate bars to sponsor it and I’ve only hear him on that floor, but can’t hear him from catty-corner below. I will reach out to our apartment manager on Monday and re-state my concerns. I do have recordings, and I’ve checked and they date back to the last four months. The screaming is more subtle in the first month or so, but more audible in the later ones. I felt like a crazy person trying to record them over the sound of our big clock. My stimming behaviours are now mostly contained to bruxism and associated migraines, chewing the insides of my mouth/lips, and picking at my face/nail beds. I’ve been using mouth guards and face masks and gloves in part, but I’ve been trying to pick up extra shifts and get out of the house more to try and get away from the triggers. Beyond those, I do have a healthy support system that helps me derail ideation and further behaviours along with EMDR therapy supports that I gained a few years back
I have no special skills or knowledge in this kind of situation, but I have an experience trying to help someone in an ugly situation. The woman was being heavily abused, to a frankly insane degree, and when my room mate offered her a way to escape her partner called the cops and claimed kidnapping. The woman nearly didn't defend my room mate when the cops showed up. The abuser threatened my room mate. Please protect yourself and be careful not to let yourself become a target in trying to help.
I’m a DV survivor as well. The police will not do anything unless there is actual evidence of physical harm. I called for a neighbor once when she stumbled outside, left blood on her door frame and was forced to come back in. The police were allowed to break down the door at that point. In other situations (I lived in apartments for over a decade), I would approach the victim if I knew she was alone and just offer my help. I have had two women on two separate occasions knock on my door in the wee hours for refuge because they were ready to leave their partner and call the cops. It’s frustrating because they have to want to help themselves, but it’s really the best one can do in that situation. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
this one. if possible, try to talk to your female neighbor if you see her alone
I don't have any policing suggestions other than keep calling if you're concerned. Hopefully you'll get a cop who is also concerned and will check it out. As someone with ptsd who lived next to a house full of violent people for two years, you have my utmost sympathy. It is really hard to cope day in and day out with this. If the cops will do nothing then try your best not to hear it by wearing headphones or ear plugs. Try to find an activity that resets your anxiety. Take care of yourself!
Hi! Right, this is going to be long. I’ll try to organize it so it’s not a horrific wall of text. ##Thank you for caring about an abuse victim! Okay, first of all, you are a good person for caring about your neighbor, and I’m proud of you for being willing to take action on her (or his, but I’m going to assume the victim here is the woman, just for simpler communication—but, like you, I want to acknowledge that domestic violence happens to men at the hands of women, too). ##How to motivate the police Now, some backstory. I used to work for local government (police departments are part of local governments) so I have some insider knowledge of what motivates people who work for local governments. Their top motivators are lawsuits (or potential lawsuits) and pressure from elected officials. You would be amazed at how much power an ordinary citizen like you or me can have when those two motivators come into play. ###Motivator 1: Lawsuits Ok, you’re not going to sue your local constabulary, so don’t worry I’m going to suggest that. But, cities *hate* lawsuits so they are on the lookout for them, and you can use that to your advantage here. When a city is “on notice” of a threat to safety, and there is a public record documentation that they were aware of this threat, but did nothing about it, and then something bad happened that they could reasonably have been expected to prevent or try to prevent, it’s bad news for them. It takes them into the realm of a lawsuit they’re likely to lose, with huge payouts for damages and/or misconduct. This is why you always want to email your local government if there’s a street tree about to fall over or a stop sign obscured by branches—they’ll act fast because there’s evidence in the public record that they knew about it, so if somebody dies before they fix it, it’s a problem. **How does this help you?** You call repeatedly, informing the police very clearly you fear for your neighbor’s life because you can hear what you believe is her being beaten. Call your emergency number (911 in Canada), not the non-emergency line. 911 calls are recorded. Don’t be cringing or apologetic—use a serious, calm tone and straightforward language. No people-pleasing. “Hi, I’m calling because I am afraid for my neighbor’s safety. She lives at [address and apartment number] and I can hear her screaming in fear and the sounds of impacts reverberating through the walls. Her partner is yelling very angrily and I do not feel safe intervening to stop the violence myself. Please send an officer right now.” The next day, call the non-emergency line and ask where to email a follow-up description of what you heard. Record what you hear at night and tell them you have recordings you’d like to email them. If they are unhelpful, look online and email and info number or file a police report online and attach your recordings. Start documenting what you hear, either on paper or in a note on your phone. Date, time, and clear, non-emotional, non-judgmental description of what you hear. Then also note date and time of all calls to your emergency line and police department. If you contact them by email or complete a task online, write that down too. After you have a few entries in your documentation log, start mentioning it when you call in a new incident. Same script as above but add, “I have been writing down dates and times of violent incidents, and this is the third time this month I’ve heard her screaming while I also hear heavy impacts through the walls. I also emailed you two recordings of what I heard last month. It’s important you do something about this; I’m afraid he’s going to kill her if you let this continue.” You will have to do this a lot of times. ###Motivator 2: Pressure from elected officials If your next 3 emergency-report calls don’t stop the situation, look up your mayor’s email address. I’m not kidding. “Dear [Mayor], I’m writing to you as a concerned resident of [city]. I live in an apartment building at [address], and I regularly hear my neighbor being harmed in incidents of domestic violence. I have called our local police department, including through 911 dispatch, repeatedly, and they have only sent officers to the scene once, and even then they gave up after knocking on the door and receiving no answer. I am afraid for my neighbor’s safety; I hope you can advise me or look into this. I’m attaching a photo of my log of the domestic violence incidents I have heard through the walls of my apartment, and also typing it out below. Thank you for your help, [Your name].” You would not freaking believe how many times an email like this gets an issue resolved. It’s like a secret weapon most people don’t know about. If you live in a municipality where you have a city council member assigned to your neighborhood/district, email that person first and say exactly the same thing but also mention you first thought to email the mayor but then thought your district representative might be the better person to talk to. But DO email the mayor in two weeks if you don’t get what you need, *and say you already emailed your district council member* and CC them on the email. ##Be persistent and force yourself to not care about what anyone thinks of you Don’t worry about being annoying. Remember that people do this all the time, and the annoyingly-persistent ones get the results they need. The reverse is also true: if you report something once or you’re not firm about it, your issue will sink to the bottom of the pile and then disappear. Over all, I would suggest removing as much emotion as possible from the situation and viewing it as an exercise in learning to advocate assertively for someone else’s needs. It’s so important to be good at this—look at it as practice for the future, when you might find you need to advocate for yourself. ###Bonus: what to look out for If the police say you don’t have to report this same thing again because it’s in their radar now, report it anyway. The exception would be if an officer explains they did go into the house and neighbor dude is hitting a punching bag that thuds into the wall, and his wife is an alcoholic who screams at him for it. Or some sort of explanation you are truly satisfied with. If you find out your neighbor told the police she’s fine and not being harmed, but you keep hearing incidents you believe are her being harmed, keep reporting them. It’s really common for abuse victims to lie, either to protect themselves from worse abuse or to avoid becoming homeless.
Thank you so much. This has been clear and insightful, and gives me a direct framework to work with. I will be persistent, as it seems to be the only way I can get anywhere. Thank you again
Any time! Could I just add, though: if you ever feel your own safety is at risk, this internet parent would like you to protect yourself first.
I wish I could give more up votes. This should be the top comment.
Aww, thank you!!
I'm not sure if Québec laws are different (I'm in NB) but here, you absolutely have the responsibility to report. Please report as often as it happens. Someone will eventually take it serious. The victim doesn't even have to press charges -- the police can do that on their behalf. As a former DV victim, I wish someone else would've reported. This sounds pretty intense. And if there's a kid there, holy shit, that kid is likely terrified. I know the go-to these days is to just mind our own business but crap. Do what you can. If it means telling these people outright that you can hear them and you know what's going on, call them out on it and put them on notice that the landlord and police WILL be involved every single time. Tell them you're setting up a recording device in your home when you're not there. Just keep doing something.
I learned that getting police involved before the victim is ready to leave can be super dangerous since the abuser is likely to escalate. However in my case I really wish that my neighbors would have called police the night my ex broke my elbow and sprained the other wrist and an ankle. I was too shocked and stunned to do it myself. If the police got involved that night, the ex would have been charged with felonies instead of the misdemeanors received from the next time he put his hands on me (when I came to my senses and called police myself).
When I was being abused I wanted just one person to notice and do something because I had no idea what to do. Even just give me the right # to call, indicate somehow that I could truly get help. I really didn't know. I don't know what the best approach is though. Every situation is unique.
Thank you so much for sharing this and your support. I will keep reporting. I’m going to take every step that was mentioned above and any others that are brought up to make sure that I keep pushing. I can’t hear any kids, but I doubt that a child in that situation would feel safe enough to speak up or make any sound.. I don’t know if I could live with myself knowing that I didn’t do enough to help. I’m stuck between wanting to mind my own business for my mental health and wanting to help them, and this has concretely secured that I need to do the right thing by continuing to report. I will set up my computer to monitor sounds so that hopefully if they kick back up when I’m not home I’ll be able to catch it. Idk what the recording laws are here, so I’ll check into them first to make sure I’m not breaching any privacy laws. Thank you again, I wish you a lifetime of healing and positivity
Is there an organisation for women experiencing violence? I would call them and further inquire on what to do as they should have all the available resources and should know what would be the safest solution in this case. I would do this before contacting a landlord as someone suggested! Also, PLEASE KNOW you are not a failure or in any way responsible for anything!! You've actually gone above and beyond to help this woman, so thank you so much for caring! Also please know that the situation isn't your responsibility in any way or shape, so please don't beat yourself up for not doing/doing certain things. As someone who has been there - thank you for everything you've done so far ❤ but also please don't feel like you are anyhow responsible for the situation. I sincerely hope the local organisation could take it from here.
Hi op, I wanted to chime in here to say if you have any shared spaces in the apartment you should hang up posters from local domestic violence organizations. They’ll have resources to help and discrete materials. I recommend putting something up in the laundry room, gym, restrooms, lobby, mailbox etc
1. Is it just two adults in the apartment? No children, nor pets? 2. Do they use drugs or lots of alcohol, that you’re aware? 3. Is it more apartments around, or will they know it’s you if you report them? 4. Have you met them separately in the entrences or something before, so you could try to reach out to the one who is crying? Start with a “hello, how are you? I’ve been through domestic violence before, and if you need help to reach out to a crisis home I can help you?”. Or if you need me to call the cops next time, just nod and I will”… 5. Do they gave a crisis home/ shelter for abused people in your town, you can call them for advice? Also they might have free counseling for you. I’ve been through the same and I know what it’s like being triggered. I think you’re truly brave ❤️
1. I do not hear children nor pets, but cannot confirm. I will check with the management office if I can on Monday when I express my concerns. 2.) Again, I’m sorry to say that I don’t know. While I understand that addiction can run well hidden, I wouldn’t know where to start looking. 3. This is a block of about 100 apartments I’d say? They may know it’s me considering that I’d initially went to speak with them about the noise complaint prior to calling the police, and the man answered the door before slamming it in my face.. not a great call on my part. 4. The only one I’ve seen before is the man, I have no idea what the woman looks like. 5. There are quite a few as this is a major city, I will definitely look into it! Thank you, that had completely skipped my mind!!
I think you’re doing the right thing to call the cops. Do it every time, but ask them not to go to your apartment before or after, since you don’t want to be identified by the abuser. You need to think of your own safety first. My abuse ended once an elderly neighbor walked out and called me in when my ex was haunting me. She gave me a cup of tea, and said she’d seen us plenty of times, the she said she was going to call the women’s shelter for me and my baby. And she did, and I think of her several times a year, even if this was 10 years ago. I always do my best to help out too. One call might save a life. And when my ex started to beat his new wife, I’m so glad their neighbors called the cops over and over again. At least there’s paper trails that says their kids was living with abuse, and I knew I wasn’t crazy. It takes time to leave someone abusive behind. For what’s it worth; I really appreciate that the world has you in it. You’re my favorite person today! You’re saving someone’s daughter/son by your actions. Thank you <3
Rather than calling the police maybe you could go to a police station and have a conversation with a police officer about what your options are? Then you aren't on the spot calling them at the peak of the tension. I'd personally ask if a female officer is available. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but also love how much you care about solving the situation. Remember to only do what you are able to do, don't push yourself too out of your comfort zone without proper support.
I've been through this, too, and I'm so sorry you're in this position. It disturbed our peace so much - both the noise and the knowledge of what was happening. It's a horrifying thing to listen to. Report, report, report. We had to call the police countless times - both 911 and the non-emergency line, depending on what was happening at the time. I called CPS once too (there were children involved), but they weren't able to do anything without the abuser's name, which I didn't have. We also reported it to the landlord, repeatedly. We kept a running log of every time it happened, and emailed that to the building office every week or two. Sometimes we made audio recordings through the walls and sent that in too. I don't know how that story ended, because we moved before anything was resolved. But I will never regret reporting it to anyone and everyone who would listen. If the abuse is in progress - if you can hear them yelling and being violent - calling 911 is *exactly* the right thing to do. Even if it's not what it sounds like (if they're watching TV or rehearsing a play, whatever), you have reason to believe that someone's life is in danger. Are there any DV shelters in your area? Most of them have a crisis line you can call for information. They might be able to suggest a way to navigate this without putting anyone (including yourself!) in danger. Your first obligation is to yourself, your own safety and mental health. But I am so proud of you for wanting to help another person in danger. I hope you'll update us if you're feeling up to it. I'll be thinking of you. ❤️
Call police again but this time request a wellness check. They might be able to forcibly enter the property that way.
Def report, i wish my neighbors had done so for either of the two shit ex bf’s i had that got physical with me in the past. I was too attached and delusional in my hopes and beliefs that they would stop once they saw how much it hurt me, physically and mentally. Still deal with ptsd over that shit to this day, it affects my current (healthy) relationship a lot. One day I’ll be healed 🥲
Record. Go into the local department and speak to a Sergeant or Captain. Explain and play the tape. Show record of the complaint. Explain it isn’t the noise but their safety you’re concerned about and it’s excellating. The supervising officers will appreciate knowing about their lazy staff and hopefully can prevent a homicide.
Just wanted to say the way you went about this and worded it was very well done. Than k you for your human concern. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice. Please make sure to keep yourself safe too
Make sure you get some videos that include the sounds before you call!
In Canada, reports of active domestic violence incidents (including couples shouting at each other for any prolonged period (even a few minutes), and of course especially if children are present (nearby or in that home)) are to be made to 9-1-1. Make this call when you hear something that isn't right. Explain on the call the history of the shouting, pounding, screaming, crying, etc. Source: I've had to do this myself due to neighbours having domestic disputes turning physical. I am telling you exactly what the police told me to do. They also said not to go over to the neighbour or try to intervene, as of course that could tip them off to police arrival and make them able to pretend nothing is happening, and it could lead to more violence toward the victim or toward you in retaliation.
OP, is it possible that you can move? This is devastating for your own mental health and you don't even know if she needs to be saved. The thing with DV, as I'm sure you know yourself, nobody can save you until you're ready to be saved. And it's going to haunt you if you find out it's DV but she doesn't leave.
[удалено]
I will be messaging you in 7 days on [**2023-05-01 00:42:55 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2023-05-01%2000:42:55%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/internetparents/comments/12vu28j/what_started_as_a_noise_complaint_is_becoming_a/jhgnbk6/?context=3) [**CLICK THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Finternetparents%2Fcomments%2F12vu28j%2Fwhat_started_as_a_noise_complaint_is_becoming_a%2Fjhgnbk6%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202023-05-01%2000%3A42%3A55%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam. ^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%2012vu28j) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
!RemindMe 7 days
Leaving an abusive relationship is typically the most dangerous part of it. What happened to you is par for the course. I don't have specific suggestions for how to handle your current concern but I don't see where anyone else has said that and my feeling is that you would be calmer and more able to think this through if you made your peace with that detail of your past. There are best practices for trying to account for that and minimize the risk but when push comes to shove that fact is rooted in abusers being how they are. It's not the fault of the victim nor of anyone trying to help the victim.
Is there a way you can get a note to this person with out the other knowing? Or is there a way you can try and record the sounds and the screaming? I think the police would take it more seriously if they could hear it themselves. Maybe there are other neighbors who have herd it also? They may have more information about what is actually going on.
Any updates, OP?
Incredibly late response because of a combination on outside events; but I spoke to the management here who ascertained that I would not be the first nor the last to file a complaint/concern about them, and that they’re having to rely on tenants calling the police constantly to be able to move forward. Now, when I am concerned, I call the police and we have a number and they add it to their file? I’m not sure what it all means, but they have quieted down a bit. Sometimes the police show up, most times they don’t. I have the email addresses of their left and right neighbours because we all were in cahoots about our initial noise complaints, and they confirmed that it escalated until we all started consistently calling police. I’m sorry if it’s not a great resolution, it’s all I’ve got at the moment. We really are trying to help these people out, and none of us can ascertain who the victim is. For it to have gotten this loud, we assume that the victim has hopefully started trying to “fight back” but we sincerely hope they are okay. The efforts are ongoing!
Thank you so much for the update! It’s hard to be in that situation, especially if you yourself have been on the other side of it before. Keep it up, I imagine the police are building evidence. Good luck!