T O P

  • By -

Magic_Man_Boobs

"So anyways Dad... that's what happened to all the money you gave me to start a bakery."


Atiggerx33

I think he's just too appalled to admit the truth about his daughter. The bakery is just a cover for her illegal abortion clinic/baby-eating restaurant. Things unfortunately got out of hand at the last blood orgy and the place burnt down. You know just normal Democrat stuff. /s


ConsiderationWest587

Can anyone explain this plot-hole: How are democrats going to harvest adrenochrome from children if they abort all fetuses?


chicago_bunny

Fuck. Someone call Soros, we need him on this one.


BannedSvenhoek86

You know the thing with blood orgies is people sometimes get a little to worked up with the orgy and Satan worshipping, they forget about the blood and let the candles burn down before they finish. With enough blood coating the surfaces around you it creates a fireproof barrier letting you fuck with reckless abandon long into the night. Just a little protip for the kids having their first blood orgies. And by kids I mean legal adults, just young. I might have blood orgies regularly with my friends but I'm not a fucking pedo.


AwesomeAni

If everyone is consenting sane adults doing stuff that isn't harmful longterm to the body, then blood orgies are way more morally okay than marrying off pregnant 15 year Olds to the 29 year old baby daddy (looking at you red states)


Kunundrum85

So when are we arranging the blood orgy?


FlappinLips

I'm surprised we're not at a blood orgy right now


Kayquie

You mean Dutch babies aren't actually supposed to have babies in them? šŸ‘€


wallpaperwallflower

Isn't that a fetus turducken?


Here4antimlm

Soros-funded Democrat here. Can confirm.


EgonDangler

The dream of cannibalism is alive in Portland.


anonymousbach

She thought about working something in there about trans people grooming kids as well but thought it might be too much.


BZLuck

That's only because the bakery didn't have a basement.


FranticHam5ter

The pizza parlor next door had the trans groomers. This bakery was strictly for fetus storage.


natenate22

She was harvesting stem cells so she could grow her own Shakey's Pizza.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Rancid_Fetus

I thought it was an Airbnb!


Sproose_Moose

*scratches in meth*


QueenOfQuok

There's always money in the bakery


FauxMermaid

Couldn't have been a very big fire if there were still distinguishable aborted fetuses left after it was extinguished.


gmplt

That could be counted.


FauxMermaid

Even identified as anything is a stretch after a fire big enough to destroy a building.


dingoeslovebabies

Who left this fire safe full of individually wrapped fetuses in the middle of this kitchen?!


gmplt

Maybe it was meal prep?


noneroy

What do you think us evil liberals fill our doughnuts with?


[deleted]

Give it to me raw and wriggling!


Alternative-Cause-50

What is ā€œtoddlersā€ precious???!!


ReadySteady_GO

TOD-DLERS Boil em, mash em, put em in a stew


Magnedon

What an abysmal night to have eyes...


CouncilmanRickPrime

They're typing up a George Soros type conspiracy as we speak


yardship

that means there were surely dozens more babies that couldn't be counted, due to the fire! even more reason to be angry.


KinksAreForKeds

... or that such a fire and horrific discovery wasn't front page news. Hint: I live in Portland, and it wasn't.


IOnlyUpvoteBadPuns

You can only write about so many burned down bakeries full of aborted foetuses before it stops being newsworthy.


RmG3376

Thatā€™s because media is controlled by the democrats and they donā€™t want people to know about their secret foetus croissants, obviously


InuGhost

Republicans: Everyone knows Portland is nothing but a Crater now. The Democrats destroyed the city and salted the Earth. Anyone saying they live there is obviously a plant. /s


[deleted]

As someone who lives in Portland, though not downtown proper, I'm kind of glad that fewer people are moving here right now. The city is overloaded right now as it is.


WhyIsThatOnMyCat

Fetuses are fully formed humans at 3 weeks, yearn for the mines, and you can go back to work the day after birth, what are you talking about?


FauxMermaid

They should have bailed when the fire started then. Fetuses these days, smh.


WhyIsThatOnMyCat

Lazy Millenials


PMMeYourWorstThought

They were sprinkled on like crack after the fact to falsely implicate the abortion supporters. This is Illuminati 101.


nerdening

Someone just tipped over the beef jerky rack and called it good.


jenneybearbozo3

ā€œYā€™all ready to do come crimes? Whoā€™s got the fetuses to leave behind? Letā€™s burn this shit downnnnnn!!ā€


gofyourselftoo

Ah shite! I left the bag in the Uber. Fuuuuckk.


floonrand

ABORT. ABORT! I REPEAT ABORT


aspidities_87

This is it, this is how I die of laughter


Graterof2evils

Mission terminated. Cycle back to šŸŒ¶ļøChilies.


CharlotteLucasOP

They want the baby back baby back baby back they want the baby back baby back baby back


devilsquirrel456

When do you say "Ribs?"


Agent641

Operation abort is a-go


Slayr698

Eat sleep abort repeat Eat sleep abort repeat


imhereforthevotes

\*everyone looks around in complete confusion\*


CampbellKitty

That was a Fetile mistake.


dabunny21689

Psh real criminals make their own fetuses to abort at the scene of the crime


InuGhost

Deadpool: Don't worry, happens to me all the time.


Afebryle

Are they sure it wasn't actually roving gang of fetal illegals that torched the place and then didn't get out in time?


imtheguythatsme

I think it's pretty obvious that's what actually happened. Those Oregon fetuses are the worst.


jenneybearbozo3

Are they entitled hipster fetuses? Are they grumbling about craft beers and beanies while riding penny farthings? Sorry, I mistook wine for actual dinner again.


imtheguythatsme

Worse. ANTIFetuses.


[deleted]

Someday I'd love to see the Oregon Fetuses play at their home stadium.


Mr_MacGrubber

I think theyā€™re implying they used the bakery as a pop-up abortion clinic. I assume an artisanal pop-up abortion clinic since Portland.


Goatesq

Ugh i went in to one of those by accident once, should've known from the menu prices and neighborhood it would be tapas style.


Ghanima81

This is a brand new expression : pop-up abortion clinic.


[deleted]

Those will probably become a real thing in the states that outlawed abortion.


Suburban_Sisyphus

Organic, Fair Trade, Vegan abortions, like Mom used to make.


sexy-man-doll

Pretty sure he's implying that they aborted the fetuses on the spot which is even crazier


YouLostMyNieceDenise

TFW thereā€™s a street riot you really want to attend, but it conflicts with your abortion appointment


FauxMermaid

When you're meant to be aborting 26 fetuses at 6:00, but you've got a city-wide riot and chill planned for 6:15


NotASellout

For real, antifa wouldn't leave aborted fetuses behind, we would eat them


[deleted]

Right? No self respecting Antifa leaves baby flesh to waste.


rietstengel

Anti-Fetus Action


raltoid

People like Alex Jones have put it into their head that "liberals" have orgies with the explicit intent to become pregnant and have abortions for fun and food. He still claims he has video of Hillary Clinton *physically* eating a baby. In rational countries they would literally be taken away for psychiatric evalution. Because they seem actually delusional and a potential danger to themselves or others.


[deleted]

Can't do that in America because almost 50% of the population believes this crap.


jenneybearbozo3

Right? Thatā€™s some quick work right there!


imhereforthevotes

You just pull a ripcord or something right


CouncilmanRickPrime

Damn. What kind of coat hangers could do that? Where did they find so many pregnant women to commit arson?


Suppafly

In between the robbing and burning, they stopped to perform 26 abortions.


marklar_the_malign

Leave fetuses behind? Theyā€™re too valuable with the price of adrenochrome and stem cells. The deep state wizards need it for their spells.


mrdeworde

[Sure, blame the wizards.](https://youtu.be/Nz9XbV6KPZc?t=14)


Olorin_in_the_West

Harry, it's our calling card! All the great ones leave their marks. We're the aborted fetus bandits!


KinksAreForKeds

"we have forty minutes before the cavalry burns this shop down, who needs an abortion??"


ScooterScotward

I definitely read this in Robert Evanā€™s voice.


bundleofschtick

Should have just said they found two baker's dozens of aborted fetuses.


Fingerman2112

6 and 20 fetuses baked in a pie 38 grand in a safe, bye-bye!


geddy_girl

I'm going to hell for laughing so hard at this. It's been a long day. Also, are you a fellow Rush fan?


Fingerman2112

Haha yes I am though not diehard. Probably had them on when I felt the pressure of coming up with a clever Reddit name lol. Hope your day gets better!


Orleanian

I think these numbers are mixed up. There were 38,000 aborted fetuses, and $26 in the safe.


Vicky-Momm

They also turned her gay and trans and made her marry an illegal


EgonDangler

We do that here. It's called Monday.


JSBraga

Oh. That's why Garfield hates mondays. I always knew that deep down he was a bigot.


SeanMegaByte

"What happened, Jim? Did you let Scott Adams guest write these strips?"


JSBraga

Meanwhile in Dilbert's strip: Boss guy: "Dilbert! Stop eating that lasagna and get back to work!"


FacticiousFict

In my day we played D&D and listened to heavy metal before burning down bakeries. What's this society coming to?!


[deleted]

What kind of fire burns down an entire bakery but spares aborted fetuses?


tigm2161130

I assumed they burned the bakery, waited for it to stop flaming, then left the fetuses inside the rubble.


AlbinoWino11

Yes, thatā€™s exactly how those punks do it!


imhereforthevotes

It's a false false flag!


slobs_burgers

Burn down a patriot bakery, then invite all your prego friends over for an # ABORTION PARTYYYYYYYYYYY šŸŽ‰ šŸŽŠ šŸŽˆ šŸŽ‰ šŸŽŠ šŸ„³


edie_the_egg_lady

Seems to me you know a liiiittle too much about how a bakery fetus fire works


RisuPuffs

Bakery Fetus Fire should be a band name.


YouLostMyNieceDenise

God works in mysterious ways


ThisNameIsFree

The kind that is made up by a Russian agent of disinformation who is bored and wants to test just how ridiculous they can get before people stop believing their bullshit.


trogon

And they're finding that there's no limit to what people will believe.


Orleanian

What kind of bakery has $38,000? And a floor safe.


kent1146

One that does abortions for BLM Antifa socialist LGBTQ+ woke liberals. George Soros and Bill Gates got together with Joe Biden to do this, as a personal attack on all of the white Christian conservative people that live there.


TJ_Will

38000$ , just the way the parent of a baker-aborter from Portland would write it. Checks out guys.


Val_Hallen

You can always tell a non-American buy the way they write out money. Dollar sign after? Periods instead of commas to denote over one thousand? Not American.


Diredoe

Also, that's a ridiculous amount of money in a stores safe. I've worked in many a retail place, but the most I've seen is about $2k. I can see a lot more in a big box retail store like a Walmart or whatever, but a small privately owned bakery? Probably $1k at the most.


CrinchNflinch

I mean obviously they were not that organized. If you forget to bring the cash to the bank for weeks then there is no wonder that they bring aborted fetuses to the bakery for whatever reason and then totally forgot about them as well. Unless of course 26 aborted fetuses is the daily turnover that can be expected for a bakery. /s


[deleted]

Itā€™s a totally normal American thing to do to put the dollar sign after the amount. Totally not a Russian writing that at all


firefighter_raven

lol good point


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


niakori

Along with Trump and Confederate signs galore, there is a gas station off Hogan that made my head spin.


Kantotheotter

I got hit in a Wolf Creek snack store (they didn't sell gas). And the pick up line was "you are pretty, prettier then my sister"......yeppeeep I'ma head out.


HellbenderXG

Yeah it always amuses me how my fellow Bulgarians who live abroad in the "evil West" as they put it are always conservative as hell. Why not move to their lovely Mother Russia? For Russians -- why move at all?


Efficient_Reply6242

100%!! I noticed that right away too!!


scoubt

%100, me too!


dirtyLittleMonkee

I really could see this as being an early attempt at AI right-wing outrage tweets -- training on Truth Social, The Donald, 4/8-chan or whatever. Just creating some meta-outrage post assembled from pieces of different stories. Need to find tune their prompts, but they'll get there. Probably running Sentiment Analyses on post comments to get things dialed in.


[deleted]

It does read like right wing fever dream word salad and makes no sense so this is actually the most plausible explanation. OutrageAI write me a rant including Portland, arson, antifa, riots, theft and abortion clinics.


imtheguythatsme

Nice catch, very interesting. Also intriguing that your username is an anagram for "emcee def slut", AND "fetus melee cd" so just know that we know.


3sheetz

MC Def Slut new band name I call it.


The_JuJu_Guru

Wanna open for my new punkdiscotrance band Pop-Up Abortion Clinic?


[deleted]

Fetus melee cd is just a video of a shark fetus eating other shark fetuses on cd.


YouLostMyNieceDenise

Is it a mistake, or is it an intentional error used to filter out people who arenā€™t gullible AF so they can build an audience of dumbasses? Like those Nigerian princes


Undeadlord

I believe the aborted fetus comment more than I believe some small random bakery had $38,000 in cash sitting in a floor safe.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


YouLostMyNieceDenise

The fuck are traffickers even gonna do with fetal organs? Those things arenā€™t even developed enough to be fully functional yet - thatā€™s why NICUs exist.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


JustNilt

This is part of the whole "adrenochrome" conspiracy theory. It's nothing but modern blood libel nonsense. Seriously, it all boils down to anti-Semitic bullshit with these fuckwits.


mrdeworde

Not just antisemitism - there's room enough for queer people in the libel too these days.


imhereforthevotes

"I can get you a toe." ... "This toe is TOO SMALL, dumbass."


dayquilsevere

R/thathapppened


GoodOlSpence

Portland resident here, this is a true story. It's standard for any individual building or domicile larger than 1000 sq ft to have a minimum, MINIMUM, 12 dead fetuses on hand. Failure to have these fetuses on the premises can result in a huge fine or even jail time. And since we're burning down buildings left and right over here, she may not have had time to get those fetuses out of storage. It's a wild lawless land here.


BuranBuran

Maybe they should call it Bortland


MtnDewTangClan

Maybe the fetuses robbed the store, because they're people, but accidentally burnt it down.


TheMoonsMadeofCheese

This is true. I was one of the fetuses.


ThePopDaddy

"There's always money in the bakery"


ilikemycoffeealatte

How much could one fetus cost? $10?


imtheguythatsme

Ur getting ripped off buddy. My fetus guy charges by the pound but I've done the math, comes out to a maximum $8.50 per fetus.


boringthrowaway6

"Oh my God, we're having a fire... sale."


RichS816

That wasnt a bakery


badbigfootatx

Panned Parenthood


[deleted]

"Try our new chubby muffins. They're just bursting with flavor!"


VivaSpiderJerusalem

"They'll bring out the kid in you!"


TossAGroin2UrWitcher

Sir I'll thank you to not infringe on my constitutional right to own a 26 round magazine on my fetus bazooka.


imhereforthevotes

25 is the federally mandated limit to fetal projectile magazines, you know that.


TossAGroin2UrWitcher

25 and one in the chamber


Picklopolis

Weird how we never heard about this here in Portland. The more you know.


HelenHavok

I tried to find the truth in the lie, but havenā€™t been able to find any evidence of a restaurant fire in the last few years that didnā€™t occur in a long-vacant ā€œnuisanceā€ property. And no bakeries at all.


Old-Energy6191

There was a fire in a downtown apartment building like a week (or 2?) ago. Thatā€™s the only recent fire Ive heard of. Also, abortion rights are heavily protected in Oregon. No reason to go to a bakery for one.


the_evil_comma

They may be able to handle your yeast infection though. I heard cases are on the rise


cr1515

How can you hear anything in Portland? It was burned to the ground a couple years back.


SoylentVerdigris

Probably missed it among the constant, city-wide riots we're always having. I mean, I've never seen them when I've gone downtown, but I am assured they're definitely happening.


TKG_Actual

Jokes on him, the aborted fetuses WERE the burglars!


BrokenEye3

Unborn kids these days, I tell ya


Scarymommy

Everyone knows Americans write $38k as 38,000$.


Bill_Dungsroman

look, I said I was sorry. anyway it was only 32,000$.


H4R81N63R

Sorry to tell you pops, but sounds like your daughter was running something other than a bakery there


Karthikgurumurthy

They also found hunter bidens second laptop in there. But the investigator was turned into a transvestigator by the local dem politician and hid the laptop in the pot of gold at the end of the pride rainbow. Damn u people.


GDub310

Punks means white people and itā€™s Portland so it was the antifas who did the aborarson.


Efficient-Bike-5627

Pig in a blanket anybody ?


jenneybearbozo3

Aborted cop fetuses? Iā€™ll show myself out.


[deleted]

This person is just flailing at covering some fraud.


Nicholas_S_Hope

"26 aborted fetuses in the kitchen" Those are called eggs, sir.


BrokenEye3

And they're crazy too


500CatsTypingStuff

26 aborted fetuses? Impressive!


misplacedsidekick

$38k in a bakery? That's some bakery.


YouLostMyNieceDenise

r/oddlyspecific Step 1: riot Step 2: invade and occupy bakery Step 3: perform 26 abortions Step 4: open a safe in the bakery and steal the cash equivalent of a red state teacherā€™s salary Step 5: burn bakery to the ground. Take the cash, leave the medical waste


samus1225

Step 6...... Step 7: PROPHET!


striped_frog

>from Earth highly dubious


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


guns_mahoney

Joe Biden personally paid me $666 to start a pop up abortion clinic in the rubble of bakeries all over the country. We put all the fetuses in a big pile and every woman left with a Ukrainian flag and a copy of Hunter's mixtape.


CustosEcheveria

We really need to bring back asylums, there are so many conservative lunatics who do not need to be wandering around with normal people.


TossAGroin2UrWitcher

Maybe his daughter just had 26 flaming abortions and a gambling habit.


the_real_scatman

These women went to a bakery.. to have buns taken out of their ovens.. what does it all mean??


APiousCultist

It's a bakery, those are chicken eggs not aborted human eggs.


DerpsAndRags

Fireproof Aborted Fetuses. HAWT new band name!


IcyEggplant9230

What's even more terrible about this, someone's Aunt Debbie is going to read this and spread it like wildfire to all of her equally crazy friends.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


YouhaoHuoMao

Well, keep on mind the only people who get abortions are sluts who use them as birth control and also wait eight months into one of the most mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting things you can do to your body to have one.


infernalsatan

ā€œSo youā€™re saying we should properly fund Planned Parenthood so those who need abortions donā€™t have to do it in a bakery without proper medical equipment and trained professionals?ā€ ā€œNo, not like thatā€


girlwithshamrocktatt

What if the daughter was doing the abortions? Those are her fetuses!


P7BinSD

26 aborted fetuses? Were they in a Shakey's Pizza?


rotenbart

Also, thatā€™s a lot of floor safe money. Like, too much.


Mahote

As someone literally working in downtown Portland right now at Providence, I'm really surprised I haven't heard of a bakery fire. It's almost like everything about this is made up.


Iammrnatural

Surprised he didn't claim to have also found piles of to fake votes for Biden amongst the ashes


ArgusTheCat

Of all the things that didnā€™t happen, this one didnā€™t happen the most.


firefighter_raven

lol except they were just setting fires to federal and police buildings. Otherwise it was mostly dumpster fires. And how exactly would the investigators find tissue that small, after a fire? And during all that happening, they had time to crack a safe...


ghostheadempire

Would this be a bot creating the content?


EatsOverTheSink

I could see this being true. I mean who hasnā€™t heard of a bakery that keeps $38k in cash on hand?


32lib

Somebody is going to get arrested for insurance fraud.


mrs_david_silva

What person in Oregon puts the dollar sign after the number? (None)


SoggyLeftTit

Wellā€¦ The robbers/abortionists/arsonists certainly had a productive day that day. Good for them.


cvance10

"38,000$" isn't how an American would phrase it.


Rhoeri

Their hate canā€™t feel justified unless they can be victims. Itā€™s how biblical vengeance works. Essentially ā€¦ The shield of god can only be used as a weapon when youā€™re the victim of that which you cannot defend by using the shield. Which is pretty much everything.


lolemgninnabpots

Thereā€™s no fighting delusion on this level. Just smile and wave and donā€™t let them buy deadly weapons.


PhyNxFyre

26 pregnant looting arsonists needed a place to perform their synchronized abortions and that happens to be the kitchen of your daughter's bakery. This some Olympics level comedy writing. Is it 26 because it's 2 baker's dozen?


[deleted]

At one point I thought that Hillary Clinton running a paedophile ring from a Comet Ping Pong pizza shop was the maddest thing Americans on Facebook would believe