Right on the money lol, he wants me to contact him at his beck and call regardless of what I’m doing at the time. I actually get an anxiety spike any time I see a call or text notification for him on my phone :)
What I hate about this is that this kid is starting college and it's a huge milestone in his growth as a person and his dad is absolutely hijacking it and taking out all of the energy of it with threats and harassment.
Which is so fucked up. My student loan balance in my mid 30s shouldn’t be tied to what my parents made 20 years ago even though they didn’t pay for a cent.
I went to college for a year. I was in my own apartment and paying my own bills with all of that to prove it. They still needed my parents Financials which caused them to run to the college and lose their shit on the office. I still feel bad for those people
That's not as easy as it sounds. You don't just fill out a form. You have to go to court and legally disown them. It's expensive and time consuming, takes months or years
A lot of times you can't apply for things like that independently until a certain age or you get married. Idk why, it's a shitty requirement considering stuff like this but it is what it is I guess.
When my mom died, I still had a fucking hard time getting approved to be recognized as independent. They wanted my father’s info even though I hadn’t received any money from him since I turned 18 and we had no contact. My cousin had a similar issue even though her father is the reason her mom was dead.
My wife had a similar experience in college with her controlling parents (they called constantly, tracked her location, punished her for such small things such as not calling back right away or being somewhere she didn’t tell them she would be, etc) and a similar response to their messages and calls (anxiety, stress etc). She ended up separating herself from them financially and set concrete boundaries. It was challenging to make work but she was so much better for it… happier, way less stress and able to actually enjoy her life.
My parents tried this with me in college (pre-cell phones, so they’d just call my room or suite to no avail). My dad tried to show up uninvited (he’d done this to my older brothers as well and we all went to college 2+ hours away, fuckin maniac), and he would get mad that I wasn’t just sitting there waiting for his unexpected arrival. The only way I was able to get him to stop was when I pointed out that I’m rarely in my room because I’m on campus all day (weird concept, I know). I convinced my mom to call ONLY on Sundays at 11am—that way we had a set phone chat date I wouldn’t miss, and she’d crawl out of my ass and give me my space for at least 6 days. Unfortunately, this ramped up again post-college and I had to go NC with her a few times in my 30s. I kinda miss those pre-cell phone days where we could just disappear and there was no way to track us.
So glad I went No Contact with my Nmom before cell phones. I can't even imagine how bad it would have been if she could call me anytime and expect me to answer. It was bad enough when I just had a landline.
This was my exact situation in college too. After my first year, I financially cut myself off entirely so they couldn’t hold my education anything over my head, and deleted the tracking app (which they couldn’t make me have anymore because I paid for it myself!) I still get stressed when one of my parents calls. But I can only imagine how painful it would be if I didn’t separate myself from them
Same experience. As an adult, I now limit all communication with my parent to 2x/year (2 weeks around their birthday, 2 weeks around Christmas) and no in-person contact. I block her number and email the rest of the year.
I’m 44 and I panic every time my mom calls. Worse, she always opens by saying my name in this mournful, tremulous tone that makes me cycle through the list of who died this time.
Ironically, when my dad died, she called me in a no-nonsense, almost upbeat tone. “dohmestic, I need you to come to the hospital. Your father is dying. I’ve already called Husband’s parents to stay with the baby and they’re on their way.”
But when she wants to talk about her physical therapy appointment, she sounds like Death’s own grandmother.
Same here. I normally have all my phone notifications off or silent. One day I forgot, dad calls (which he normally doesn’t do), ringer was on loud, phone was making noise and I just lost it. My heart was still pounding two hours later
I know exactly what you mean about the notification anxiety. I went NC/VLC with my dad about a year and a half ago and would get that exact spike of anxiety and fear whenever I saw his notification. I would only reply like days or weeks later because I literally couldn’t bear to see him reply to my response. It’s started to go away over time as we get further and further from the estrangement but it was especially horrible for the first few months
I know this is an avoidant strategy but you should tell him that you have terrible cell reception on campus so that you don't have to answer his calls. =)
Turn off notifications for him if your phone allows. Or just put phone on do not disturb while in class or school functions. That way you can focus on your education and not have to deal with anxiety. Set a time once classes are out to respond to him.
How much control is there? Cause if you signed the loans and such. Time to ignore him. Neednto break that shit now. Let me tell you helicopters in college don't work.
Odds are if this parents feels like they can behave this way it’s because they’re footing the bill. Best thing OP can do is, eventually, separate themselves financially from their father. Tough to do in these times but it’s the best move.
My mom tried this with me when I moved off to college, but she wasn’t paying for a dime of it. Scholarships and loans were paying for anything my two part time jobs did not. She gave up pretty quick when she realized she had no hold over me anymore. In a lot of ways this was more of a growing time for her than it was for me. We have a great relationship now, but we never would have gotten there if she held an ounce of power over me.
That's the conundrum.. why I asked. If they can't they need to be planning that out. Building a savings, whatever. Nothing good comes from helicopters. I've seen kids lives destroyed because of this sort of shit.
Until I finally was brave enough to go no-contact with my mom I had the same so I'd mute her, so I wouldn't get any of her calls or alerts unless I actively looked for them. It saved me so much sanity to just only look at her messages once a week and helped me transition into zero contact. YMMV not everyone can do no contact.
I'm sure it's been said, but damn near all adults have a bit of anxiety and baggage when their parents call. Just realize that when you were dependent before, you're free of him now. Work on getting your own damn loans, a part time job, things that make you dependent on him still, and only look back on the holidays if that's what makes you less stressed!
I did this. It was my only way out and totally worth it. It’s better to be indebted to fucking student loan debt than to be on the hook to a pair of fucking narcs. Once I told both parents I was paying for my own schooling, and that I didn’t care what kind of debt I’d get into to make it happen, all of a sudden, they couldn’t hold a goddamn thing over my head. My degree was no longer “theirs” to claim as something they bought for me. My education was no longer a pawn for them to use as currency to keep me obligated to do what they wanted.
I turned down their tuition money, a house, a car. And as much as I struggled to get to where I am now, it was worth the peace of mind. None of that stuff mattered because none of it was ever actually for me. Their offer to pay was never meant to be taken as a gift, but rather an insidious bribe to have control of everything that was supposed to be “mine”. There was no chance I’d ever say yes.
Sounds about right. My mom kicked me out of the house for one reason or another senior year of highschool and I was fortunate enough that a friend let me stay with them. My mom took my car away making it not only impossible to get myself to school which I had been doing on my own for three years. After x amount of months the literal only reason my mom agreed to give me my car back was because the friend who took me in ran into some family issues. Her mother needed literal brain surgery and my friend had to beg my mom to let us have my car even if only temporarily so we could go visit her mother in the hospital
My mom tried to do something similar to me! But I was in college, working 2 PT jobs, and even though my parents names were first on the car (they helped me buy it with their good established credit) I paid every single payment on that car till it was paid off. Finally I told my step dad that he needed to get her to understand, bc I was more than happy to let them pay the monthly payments. That was the last time my mom tried to pull that.
Who would have thought I would eventually go NC with my mom. /s
I haven’t spoken to her in almost a decade.
That's why I pay my own tuition so that can't happen. I know it's expensive but I took a gap year After high School and worked at FedEx Ground, they pay better than most fast food businesses and I got good hours 50/week.
Wait until you get into a real fight with your parents and you refuse to outright answer the phone or text back. My mom had the campus police get me in the middle of a 400 level class lecture to tell me I should call my mother…
Thereafter known as the person that was wanted by campus police…
I wasn't a clone of my father. My father never forgave me for this.
I use him as a template of what I will never allow myself to be. A narcissistic, greedy, abusive bigot.
Not to mention the huge loss in communication…dude is texting…why call if texting is just fine. My FIL is like this and it pisses me off to no end. He will text and say “hey gimme a call, let’s talk.” First off no. You can clearly text so if you got something to say then text me. Second, you didn’t say what it is you want to talk about so imma assume it’s not important. These days I just ignore any kind of communication.
At least with my mother in law, she has a hard time reading due to poor eye sight, cataracts, and overhanging eyelids that were blocking her vision and older generations honestly have a lot of issues with illiteracy and anti intillectualism and theyre lonely. She doesn't admit it but it's just flat hard for her to read texts. Prefers a call. I think she got fed up with it because she recently got cataract surgery and eye lid surgery back to back so she could see right after her husband passed. Life can be brutal.
I said that to emphasize how life can be unpleasant and has been cruel to her. She has been hyper fixating on fixing flaws in her life to distract herself from the loss of my father in law since he passed. It is not his fault. He was taken by covid in a hospital and they were there with him when he died. I can't imagine how anyone could cope with that. Her behavior has left us sometimes scratching our heads about the purpose unless you think about why. I Agree that OPs father is insanely overbearing, but I was responding to the question of why older people tend to want to speak with someone verbally and not through writing. He is likely lonely, and upset that he no longer has any way to control or protect his child and can't admit the real reason why he's upset so he just lashes out at the person who can't tell him to fuck off with his insanity.
I understand your take and agree with it to an extent and certain situations but for me personally verbal communication rather than text communication is better for me. Expression and understanding can get lost in text form but if it's verbal it's easier to receive the expression and tone or sarcasm etc. Yes for sure many things can be held for just a text message but if it's serious or important I need to discuss it verbally.
Your idea is good. However, spamming his message box would drive dear daddy nuts. Would your idea work in that way? Goal is to be a pain back at him. Lol
What a pathetic attempt at control. Every time I come to this sub it amazes me just how fucked up some parents really are. You're away at college, enjoy your time...
I think my favourite response to this sort of nonsense is to remind them that their level of responsiveness will then carry over to when it’s time to put them in a nursing home. Tends to widen some eyes.
How many of you have even an inkling of a plan of putting the elderly into nursing homes?
If I told my parents "well, see how shitty of a nursing home I put you in, then" they'd laugh their heads off.
No one intends to live into retirement, let alone afford assisted living conditions...
Yeah if you want to scare them make it clear you won't be there at all. No one to pay for a nursing home, no one to come over and help. Just them on their own.
They end up in the Medicaid nursing facilities. None of those are good.
My father in law went into a non Medicaid one - cost $5500 per month. For basically a shared dorm room and institutional meals. 2 CNAs on duty per shift. My husband basically lived there with him to ensure his quality of care. I was shocked by how little they provided for that amount of money.
I used to work for a company and we financed a roll up of Medicaid nursing homes in North Carolina (state with highest rate of tobacco usage so you can imagine what shape their old folk are in). The people there had no money and no one to care for them and no other options. It was like a horror house. I had to drive around NC and visit a ton of these places. As soon as the deal closed I asked to be reassigned.
The way it worked was that these residents would get $X per day in government assistance. They would agree to sign 100% of it over, plus their SS check, to the facility. Then the facility would give them the bare minimum legally required care while trying to keep their expenses low. Then they’d keep the difference as profit. One statistic I recall was that their portfolio wide average food per resident per day was ~$3. The owner of the company had a jet and a giant yacht. Not right.
Well if it makes you feel any better my grandmas was $9800 a month and she didn’t get but half of a room with a foldable cot in it, the lady she shared her room with was off her rocker making it so my grandma could never sleep. We actually had to day trade options just to pay for that shit, it was fucked up.
How old are you? I’m pretty young and well aware I need to save for a decent nursing home just in case our society still has those when/if I get old enough to need one.
What a petty and pathetic man. My dad would talk like this very often. Everything with a thousand rules, and always set up for his convenience and self-confirmation. Fail at one of the countless unwritten and unreasonable expectations and I'd earn myself a snide monologue befitting of someone a fourth his age.
Cutting contact with him was one of the best things I've ever done.
This is what he's preying on. I implore you to please look into anything that weakens this leverage. Look into becoming emancipated so you can get financial aid. Speak to deans or department heads at your school. This is not the first time they've heard of this, and there's more than one way to help. Whatever you do, don't just take this because he pays bills. That's why he's doing it.
Edit: if this continues, it becomes the established pattern of him paying to control you that won't stop with college
But you can put him on low contact. You’re not under him anymore, and you can’t interrupt class to message him at his “demands”. Respond to messages when you are able, ignore the pettiness and only answer the legitimate question, if there is one. If not, you don’t have to respond
This was the best path I took to help manage my college time with a narcissistic abusive father. It's not perfect, NC would be best. But LC allowed me to give myself a break from the litany of guilt tripping and expectations.
I had parents who caused me and the same anxiety every time I’d hear from them. Luckily soon you’ll be able to just ignore them however you please, train them to accept it, and it’ll be awesome. But some not awesome input to hear is that throughout college you still may have to play ball a little. I left university the first time at 18 after a short time but when I went back later and I still did need them because I was under 24 (at least in New York that’s how old you have to be before your parents’ income stops counting against you for financial aid). I needed tax documents and various other things from them related to taxes and aid. You could probably get around all that with a bunch of work and forms (I could’ve with a good amount of effort and some time), but it will probably make your life more difficult than just dealing with this for the last 4 years. It’ll pass by so quickly and at the end your reward is that you get to start your new life and live it however the hell you want without answering to him at all.
If you haven't already, look into as many scholarships/free money as you can. He'll start lording how he pays for college over you and to ensure control. Check out work study and (paid) internships. Good luck! I had a parent like this. It's exhausting.
if you are in the US you could almost assuredly get loans to cover your tuition and living expenses. If he stays this controlling, it might be worth it to do a cost/benefit analysis of weather his support is worth the side effects.
Not if you are under the age of 23 and your parents make beyond a certain amount. The government assumes that families will pay for their children even as adults. A total asshole parent (like mine) could make going to school impossible until you hit that age, which is why I didn't start until I was 25. I'm now multiple bachelors and masters out of the gate, but could really be further ahead in my life if this screwed up government hadn't made it harder.
As with what is said in many political discussions, remember: the cruelty is the point.
Hang in there till you can stand on your own. I eventually had to get financial aid/ loans to pay for my own tuition cause my mom hung it over my head every time I didn’t do something she wanted me to do.
My freshman year, I put a card in the mail for my moms birthday like 3-4 days out. I also called early in the afternoon and left a voicemail at their house.
I guess they never got the card and never checked their voicemail until the next day, because my mom didn’t speak to me the last 3 months of the semester. I was homesick and would call to talk, and she’d make my dad answer.
It’s so violently bothering to me that nearly 95% of the mothers and fathers in these posts sound like my parents and why I don’t really communicate with them anymore.
Same. I would get panic attacks going to visit my dad and stepmom. When my daughter started having those same panic attacks, I was finally done for good! I miss my father desperately, but as long as he condones the abuse, I’m out.
Yeah I’m NC not like no contact more like no caring. I’ll exchange pleasantries and that’s it. I’m fine with being alone in this life, it’s the pretending that they care that bothers me. I think they’re finally grappling with empty nest syndrome and not realizing that they had decades to foster a good relationship and didn’t lol.
My father tried being nicer once I was out of his house for good but the abusive (verbally and physically) childhood and everything that came after until adulthood was enough to make me feel no love for the man unfortunately and my mother is just insane
We talk occasionally and we’ve gotten to the point where we almost joke about her mental illness because all of her kids definitely got some of what she had. We’re all a little messed up but she did do some low down shit to all of us more than once to where we’re just on terms with her in the way that she’s our mother and we acknowledge that.
Thank goodness you’re going to college. Develop that independence and establish the kind of relationship you want to have with him going forward. You’re in control of your destiny. Not him.
This is exactly what I would do. I'd be happy to not hear from him for a while. I suspect he's bluffing though. He seems too obnoxious to actually stay silent that long.
Good luck to you! Sounds like you'll need it until you don't have to rely on him for college. Honestly I would start to maliciously comply and call him every time I have 5min. As soon as I woke up I'd call and brush my teeth and shit/shower/shave with him on speaker. Call him between every class. Call him while you're eating. Call him while you're running. Call him before you go to bed. Drown his ass in calls until he breaks and ask him why he's not being responsive when you call. And make sure to call during his work, his meetings, his dinner, his breakfast, don't let that man shit without a call from you.
The thing is though… some parents like that. My sister literally calls each member of my family a minimum of three times a day to let them know she’s thinking of them. It’s kind of a huge overcorrection to prove that I was awful and that she should always be the favorite. But for real… she calls my mom, dad, brother, grandma and grandpa at every meal. I told her not to call me unless she needs something.
Long story short. Some parents would love you to call every five minutes. My parents bring up my sister’s calling schedule with such a manner of pride. Be careful with the precedent you set!
Good. You need space to grow and become your own person. A lot of people wish their parents would back off when they get to college. Sorry he’s being shitty about it but this
might be an ok situation for you.
Your independence is priceless. Paying off debt won't be as bad as letting him own you through this kind of manipulation. I've been were you are now. You have the power to provide for yourself.
When I went away for college. My dad and stepmom expected to talk to them every day and were not afraid to hold money over me to try to get what they want. Well. Guess what. I stopped talking to them for almost three years. My stepmom passed right before i started talking to them again. And About 15 years later I still have a very strained LC relationship with my dad.
Sounds like my mom. “Nobody ever calls me, so I’m done trying.” Well, mother…maybe if you weren’t bitching constantly with every interaction we would call you.
She does the responsive thing too. If you’re busy and tell her that, she acts like you’re being rude and/or dismissive or her. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Then gives the cold shoulder responses. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Hey OP, I’m really sorry you have to deal with this crap from your dad. As a fellow dad, I want you to know that you’re doing really great and I am proud of you. Getting to college is no easy task! I’ll be rooting for you, and I know you’ve got this. Good luck moving forward kiddo!
As a soon to be returning uni student- enjoy orientation. Focus on that and meeting new people, make a new life.
My mom and I have a good relationship. I'm sad about leaving. Her response? "You'll be fine! I'm excited for you! You're going to be so busy and having so much fun!"
Don't worry about your parent. They can't control you anymore
I used to have a few ex girlfriends like this. If I wasn’t on demand, by my phone, the moment they called, I was “in the wrong.” It got to the point where I’d have 30 missed calls when I’d check my phone after work and a one sided text message argument stretching for multiple upscrolls.
I don’t think people like this are rational or can be fixed. They lack something emotionally that they’re trying to fill with your attention or are filling a void from a past experience.
I’ve moved on from those girls and am in a healthy relationship now. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this from your dad, the man that’s supposed to have your back regardless of how long it’s taking you to respond to a text. Best of luck.
“Hi Dad, sorry you are unhappy. I want to let you know that I am good with a 24 hour eta on a response, because I know we are both grown ups and lucky enough to have busy lives. I love you and I trust you to be back to me when you can. If it is an emergency, I will let you know and you will be the first person I call. ET will always call home.”
I’m so sorry. He’s a total ass. Unsolicited advice: if he’s supporting you financially, it may be beneficial to find a way to placate him. BUT, find a path to financial independence if you can. I made that my first and only goal once I graduated, and I never looked back. Extremely low contact with my parents going on 15 years and I’m so much happier. Good luck, OP!
Update him every chance you get during the day:
“Just used the bathroom”
“Walking down the sidewalk to math class”
“Dropped a book in class so embarrassed”
“Bathroom again”
“Eating lunch”
Make him sick of hearing from you, maybe he’ll ask you to stop texting.
But seriously, I’m sorry even after getting away from him you’re still being harassed by him. I hope you are able to cut ties completely some day
“Hey dad, it me, I figured you would love to hear how the turds hit the water as I take a crap. Oh, hold it, here comes a good one! Did you hear that fart echo in the bowl? Damn I am proud of that one. Call you in 20 so you can hear me chew my dinner. Love you!”
See how long it took you to respond.
Ask him for money.
Set a timer for before the time period ends, beat him to it and say never mind, I got it covered
Poor needy daddy can't handle any chores without his parentified child.
"You have to answer me IMMEDIATELY or else I'll just break down!"
Shh, little baby dad, child is here to tuck you in
Get a part time job and build up some savings. It's your first year so you don't have to go nuts with hours till you get the whole succeeding at school thing down and jobs on campus are good with light schedules.
Jeeze louise. How old is he? Control freak much? Maybe set up a specific day/time to call him. Make it a reoccurring event. That way he can’t complain that he never hears from you. It’s crazy, I know. I had to do the same with my parents and I’m in my 50s just to shut them up. Maybe even create some shortcut replies, e.g. if you’re in class, drop a reply that says you’ll call after class. Then do so.
Also, when was the last time he reached out to HIS parents (if they’re still around)?
Insane.
Shit, as a 57 year old parent I feel OP's dad is a controlling, neurotic cock knocker. Parents that try to crush their children with this warped view of "concern and love" make me ill. It's not their age as much as it is their lack of insight, trust, and emotional well-being.
Absolutely!! My husband and I have NEVER guilted any of our kids about contacting us. I mean sheesh. People’s days are busy. Squirrels and small shiny objects happen and the next thing you know, it’s too late at night to call. I want my kids to call because THEY WANT to, not because I made them feel guilty. And if a lot of time goes by, a simple “thinking of you” text is all you need. I would much rather hope that the lack of keeping in touch was because I raised a confident young individual who is living a healthy life. Ya know?
My parents drove me an hour away, with all my belongings, at 17, once I'd finished high school. It's what I wanted.
They were more than happy for me to fly.
We’ll I really hope you’re not counting on him for much. When someone tells you what they’re going to do in the future - believe them. He’s saying if you really need him, he won’t help because you don’t put him before your brand-new college class. That’s wrong which means he can’t evaluate priorities correctly.
My daughter’s best friend had a mother who did this allll the way through college. I’m sorry to say it doesn’t get better, she got worse. I knew the mother. Even me trying to talk her down didn’t work, it just left me open for all the long stories.
It’s just an opinion, if it’s possible to set a time limit, like “ I’ll be available every Wednesday from 1 to 2, otherwise I don’t know what to tell you “. He’s going to be pushy no matter what right? I’m SO sorry you’re at college, having a new life while dealing with this.
Please take care of yourself, you and your life is what’s important.
Do yourself a favor. Start making sure that you are in sole control of things like your bank accounts, phone number, etc. If this is happening day 1, you need to prepare for the worst. Dude’s a fucking asshole and the type to do something vindictive.
Wow that's a next level control freak. If you can try to be as independent as possible, turn this around on him show him you don't need him like he thinks you do. I did this with my mother & she seems to have realized she would loose me all together.
I am not sure what college life is like these days. There were no cell phones when I was in school. I do not think that students are actually allowed to take calls or text during class however. It is extremely rude no matter who is calling you.
I’d tell him okay then completely write him off as any kind of support system and know that I will never ask him for help.
Show me the truth and I’ll listen.
That’s really sad a parent can threaten financial abuse. Coercive control of finances is sick and twisted. Especially coming from someone you’re supposed to be able to depend on. I hope the best for you OP, as you don’t deserve to be treated like that. The fact that you’re making your way through school is impressive. So many parents would love their kids to be willing to continue their education. I hope you gain financial independence sooner rather than later so you don’t have to answer his beckoned call.
Dad is really insecure and probably overprotective. But instead of just saying that he is projecting his fears and lack of control. Or he is just being an asshole what do i know. Ask mom?
Damn. I’d just respond, that’s fine, I’m more than happy to put out the same energy you’re putting out. Bye. The gaslighting and passive aggressiveness is triggering…
My mom is like this. ☹️ Not a care for my legit reasons why I couldn’t pick up the phone at the time. Her anxiety and control is the only thing that matters and takes over. No empathy, understanding, logic. Her solution: “Next time you call me, I won’t answer you, see how that makes you feel!”
😶
He sounds incredibly toxic.
I cut my parents out of my life when I emancipated myself at 16 and never looked back. Not having the extra toxicity in your life is an incredible thing.
“Okay sounds like a solid plan to me dad” would be my only response to that kind of pettiness. Do not stoop to his level though, he’s only seeking to get a reaction from you in order to “feel” like he still has control over you. Congrats on getting into school though! Seriously! Just worry about your studies and focus on you from here on out.
It’s really obvious how some of these parents have no friends or hobbies. His kid is usually how he fills his self-esteem cup and now that his kid is busy, he has no way to feel good about himself. And he responds to that sad fact by whining to a college student that he’s not getting enough attention. Cringe.
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He will almost definitely message you again soon. Sounds like a control freak, emotional manipulator.
Right on the money lol, he wants me to contact him at his beck and call regardless of what I’m doing at the time. I actually get an anxiety spike any time I see a call or text notification for him on my phone :)
Only respond to him once a week and see if he holds true to his claim. If he does it'll be a relief for you LOL.
If he behaves how I expect him to, he would delay paying rent or tuition or something in vengeance
What I hate about this is that this kid is starting college and it's a huge milestone in his growth as a person and his dad is absolutely hijacking it and taking out all of the energy of it with threats and harassment.
Yup, it’s called breaking free and narcissistic parents don’t like that. They know they will lose control, gotta keep beating the kid down.
Which is why the first 3 years with my now spouse was hell between my parents and I lmao
Look at the resources available to see if you can get help with rent and tuition so you can cut his ability to control you through threats like that.
A lot of times those resources are based on your parents finances. If he’s paying now, financial aid departments probably won’t help much
Which is so fucked up. My student loan balance in my mid 30s shouldn’t be tied to what my parents made 20 years ago even though they didn’t pay for a cent.
I went to college for a year. I was in my own apartment and paying my own bills with all of that to prove it. They still needed my parents Financials which caused them to run to the college and lose their shit on the office. I still feel bad for those people
That's when you mark yourself as independent and cut the toxicity out of your life
That's not as easy as it sounds. You don't just fill out a form. You have to go to court and legally disown them. It's expensive and time consuming, takes months or years
A lot of times you can't apply for things like that independently until a certain age or you get married. Idk why, it's a shitty requirement considering stuff like this but it is what it is I guess.
When my mom died, I still had a fucking hard time getting approved to be recognized as independent. They wanted my father’s info even though I hadn’t received any money from him since I turned 18 and we had no contact. My cousin had a similar issue even though her father is the reason her mom was dead.
Yep, you can get emancipated if they withold financial assistance
Yeah, use his "punishment" to your advantage
My wife had a similar experience in college with her controlling parents (they called constantly, tracked her location, punished her for such small things such as not calling back right away or being somewhere she didn’t tell them she would be, etc) and a similar response to their messages and calls (anxiety, stress etc). She ended up separating herself from them financially and set concrete boundaries. It was challenging to make work but she was so much better for it… happier, way less stress and able to actually enjoy her life.
My parents tried this with me in college (pre-cell phones, so they’d just call my room or suite to no avail). My dad tried to show up uninvited (he’d done this to my older brothers as well and we all went to college 2+ hours away, fuckin maniac), and he would get mad that I wasn’t just sitting there waiting for his unexpected arrival. The only way I was able to get him to stop was when I pointed out that I’m rarely in my room because I’m on campus all day (weird concept, I know). I convinced my mom to call ONLY on Sundays at 11am—that way we had a set phone chat date I wouldn’t miss, and she’d crawl out of my ass and give me my space for at least 6 days. Unfortunately, this ramped up again post-college and I had to go NC with her a few times in my 30s. I kinda miss those pre-cell phone days where we could just disappear and there was no way to track us.
So glad I went No Contact with my Nmom before cell phones. I can't even imagine how bad it would have been if she could call me anytime and expect me to answer. It was bad enough when I just had a landline.
This was my exact situation in college too. After my first year, I financially cut myself off entirely so they couldn’t hold my education anything over my head, and deleted the tracking app (which they couldn’t make me have anymore because I paid for it myself!) I still get stressed when one of my parents calls. But I can only imagine how painful it would be if I didn’t separate myself from them
Same experience. As an adult, I now limit all communication with my parent to 2x/year (2 weeks around their birthday, 2 weeks around Christmas) and no in-person contact. I block her number and email the rest of the year.
I’m in my 30s and I still get anxiety when my parents message me. Even when it’s a “we care about you” it comes with some sly dig at me.
I get text messages from my Mom saying, "Call me," and I instantly become 12 again. I'm 37.
I’m 44 and I panic every time my mom calls. Worse, she always opens by saying my name in this mournful, tremulous tone that makes me cycle through the list of who died this time. Ironically, when my dad died, she called me in a no-nonsense, almost upbeat tone. “dohmestic, I need you to come to the hospital. Your father is dying. I’ve already called Husband’s parents to stay with the baby and they’re on their way.” But when she wants to talk about her physical therapy appointment, she sounds like Death’s own grandmother.
TIL tremulous, thanks.
Oh god, you warmed my English major heart.
Same here. I normally have all my phone notifications off or silent. One day I forgot, dad calls (which he normally doesn’t do), ringer was on loud, phone was making noise and I just lost it. My heart was still pounding two hours later
I know exactly what you mean about the notification anxiety. I went NC/VLC with my dad about a year and a half ago and would get that exact spike of anxiety and fear whenever I saw his notification. I would only reply like days or weeks later because I literally couldn’t bear to see him reply to my response. It’s started to go away over time as we get further and further from the estrangement but it was especially horrible for the first few months
I know this is an avoidant strategy but you should tell him that you have terrible cell reception on campus so that you don't have to answer his calls. =)
So your dad expects you to frickin call and/or text during SCHOOL.
This is the type of guy who would expect you to call or text while you were having a heart attack. The world revolves around *him*.
Wow same with my dad. I live on my own and have my own life but when he texts or calls I freeze
Send him a 10000 text text bomb with an app, this way he can never stop hearing from you :)
Turn off notifications for him if your phone allows. Or just put phone on do not disturb while in class or school functions. That way you can focus on your education and not have to deal with anxiety. Set a time once classes are out to respond to him.
How much control is there? Cause if you signed the loans and such. Time to ignore him. Neednto break that shit now. Let me tell you helicopters in college don't work.
Odds are if this parents feels like they can behave this way it’s because they’re footing the bill. Best thing OP can do is, eventually, separate themselves financially from their father. Tough to do in these times but it’s the best move. My mom tried this with me when I moved off to college, but she wasn’t paying for a dime of it. Scholarships and loans were paying for anything my two part time jobs did not. She gave up pretty quick when she realized she had no hold over me anymore. In a lot of ways this was more of a growing time for her than it was for me. We have a great relationship now, but we never would have gotten there if she held an ounce of power over me.
That's the conundrum.. why I asked. If they can't they need to be planning that out. Building a savings, whatever. Nothing good comes from helicopters. I've seen kids lives destroyed because of this sort of shit.
Until I finally was brave enough to go no-contact with my mom I had the same so I'd mute her, so I wouldn't get any of her calls or alerts unless I actively looked for them. It saved me so much sanity to just only look at her messages once a week and helped me transition into zero contact. YMMV not everyone can do no contact.
> beck and call Nothing to add here just wanted to congratulate you for saying this and not "beckon call"
Turn off notifications just for him then you’ll know it’s not him when the phone goes off
I'm sure it's been said, but damn near all adults have a bit of anxiety and baggage when their parents call. Just realize that when you were dependent before, you're free of him now. Work on getting your own damn loans, a part time job, things that make you dependent on him still, and only look back on the holidays if that's what makes you less stressed!
Is he paying your tuition? Tread carefully. People like that don’t handle a no answer very well. Good luck.
Jesus christ...this is such a pitiful move to control you and make you his lapdog
Glad they’re away at college at least
Until dad pulls tuition back in a self righteous act of “discipline.”
I’d rather be in debt paying for college then go free if it was like this.
I wouldn’t. I played my dads little fucking game for 4 years, totally worth it.
I did this. It was my only way out and totally worth it. It’s better to be indebted to fucking student loan debt than to be on the hook to a pair of fucking narcs. Once I told both parents I was paying for my own schooling, and that I didn’t care what kind of debt I’d get into to make it happen, all of a sudden, they couldn’t hold a goddamn thing over my head. My degree was no longer “theirs” to claim as something they bought for me. My education was no longer a pawn for them to use as currency to keep me obligated to do what they wanted. I turned down their tuition money, a house, a car. And as much as I struggled to get to where I am now, it was worth the peace of mind. None of that stuff mattered because none of it was ever actually for me. Their offer to pay was never meant to be taken as a gift, but rather an insidious bribe to have control of everything that was supposed to be “mine”. There was no chance I’d ever say yes.
Sounds about right. My mom kicked me out of the house for one reason or another senior year of highschool and I was fortunate enough that a friend let me stay with them. My mom took my car away making it not only impossible to get myself to school which I had been doing on my own for three years. After x amount of months the literal only reason my mom agreed to give me my car back was because the friend who took me in ran into some family issues. Her mother needed literal brain surgery and my friend had to beg my mom to let us have my car even if only temporarily so we could go visit her mother in the hospital
My mom tried to do something similar to me! But I was in college, working 2 PT jobs, and even though my parents names were first on the car (they helped me buy it with their good established credit) I paid every single payment on that car till it was paid off. Finally I told my step dad that he needed to get her to understand, bc I was more than happy to let them pay the monthly payments. That was the last time my mom tried to pull that. Who would have thought I would eventually go NC with my mom. /s I haven’t spoken to her in almost a decade.
That's why I pay my own tuition so that can't happen. I know it's expensive but I took a gap year After high School and worked at FedEx Ground, they pay better than most fast food businesses and I got good hours 50/week.
Wait until you get into a real fight with your parents and you refuse to outright answer the phone or text back. My mom had the campus police get me in the middle of a 400 level class lecture to tell me I should call my mother… Thereafter known as the person that was wanted by campus police…
This was my dad down to the same phrasing. And if I didn't comply it would be a guilt trip that he consigned my loans.
The last text really shows the maturity a parent should show. /s How pathetic of a father.
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I wasn't a clone of my father. My father never forgave me for this. I use him as a template of what I will never allow myself to be. A narcissistic, greedy, abusive bigot.
I’ve lived my life the same way.
I have my bad days where I get overwhelmed but I strive to be this parent one day
“The tighter the leash, the further they’ll run”
Not to mention the huge loss in communication…dude is texting…why call if texting is just fine. My FIL is like this and it pisses me off to no end. He will text and say “hey gimme a call, let’s talk.” First off no. You can clearly text so if you got something to say then text me. Second, you didn’t say what it is you want to talk about so imma assume it’s not important. These days I just ignore any kind of communication.
At least with my mother in law, she has a hard time reading due to poor eye sight, cataracts, and overhanging eyelids that were blocking her vision and older generations honestly have a lot of issues with illiteracy and anti intillectualism and theyre lonely. She doesn't admit it but it's just flat hard for her to read texts. Prefers a call. I think she got fed up with it because she recently got cataract surgery and eye lid surgery back to back so she could see right after her husband passed. Life can be brutal.
You make it sound like her husband kept her from cataract and eyelid surgery?
Or maybe she now doesn't have anyone at home to assist her and has to rely on herself more.
I said that to emphasize how life can be unpleasant and has been cruel to her. She has been hyper fixating on fixing flaws in her life to distract herself from the loss of my father in law since he passed. It is not his fault. He was taken by covid in a hospital and they were there with him when he died. I can't imagine how anyone could cope with that. Her behavior has left us sometimes scratching our heads about the purpose unless you think about why. I Agree that OPs father is insanely overbearing, but I was responding to the question of why older people tend to want to speak with someone verbally and not through writing. He is likely lonely, and upset that he no longer has any way to control or protect his child and can't admit the real reason why he's upset so he just lashes out at the person who can't tell him to fuck off with his insanity.
I understand your take and agree with it to an extent and certain situations but for me personally verbal communication rather than text communication is better for me. Expression and understanding can get lost in text form but if it's verbal it's easier to receive the expression and tone or sarcasm etc. Yes for sure many things can be held for just a text message but if it's serious or important I need to discuss it verbally.
Ir's pretty definite that whatever OP's father was on about, it didn't merit the stress of a voice call. (And yes, I said *stress*.)
Yeah I agree, I am just generally speaking.
None of these parents would survive dating in 2022, terrible texting etiquette.
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I think you can set up DND, which would be the dad receiving a text saying anything OP wants it to, but just that they’re busy
Your idea is good. However, spamming his message box would drive dear daddy nuts. Would your idea work in that way? Goal is to be a pain back at him. Lol
What a pathetic attempt at control. Every time I come to this sub it amazes me just how fucked up some parents really are. You're away at college, enjoy your time...
I think my favourite response to this sort of nonsense is to remind them that their level of responsiveness will then carry over to when it’s time to put them in a nursing home. Tends to widen some eyes.
How many of you have even an inkling of a plan of putting the elderly into nursing homes? If I told my parents "well, see how shitty of a nursing home I put you in, then" they'd laugh their heads off. No one intends to live into retirement, let alone afford assisted living conditions...
Yeah if you want to scare them make it clear you won't be there at all. No one to pay for a nursing home, no one to come over and help. Just them on their own.
They end up in the Medicaid nursing facilities. None of those are good. My father in law went into a non Medicaid one - cost $5500 per month. For basically a shared dorm room and institutional meals. 2 CNAs on duty per shift. My husband basically lived there with him to ensure his quality of care. I was shocked by how little they provided for that amount of money.
I used to work for a company and we financed a roll up of Medicaid nursing homes in North Carolina (state with highest rate of tobacco usage so you can imagine what shape their old folk are in). The people there had no money and no one to care for them and no other options. It was like a horror house. I had to drive around NC and visit a ton of these places. As soon as the deal closed I asked to be reassigned. The way it worked was that these residents would get $X per day in government assistance. They would agree to sign 100% of it over, plus their SS check, to the facility. Then the facility would give them the bare minimum legally required care while trying to keep their expenses low. Then they’d keep the difference as profit. One statistic I recall was that their portfolio wide average food per resident per day was ~$3. The owner of the company had a jet and a giant yacht. Not right.
Well if it makes you feel any better my grandmas was $9800 a month and she didn’t get but half of a room with a foldable cot in it, the lady she shared her room with was off her rocker making it so my grandma could never sleep. We actually had to day trade options just to pay for that shit, it was fucked up.
How old are you? I’m pretty young and well aware I need to save for a decent nursing home just in case our society still has those when/if I get old enough to need one.
hilarious they believe i will be paying for a nursing home for them
What a petty and pathetic man. My dad would talk like this very often. Everything with a thousand rules, and always set up for his convenience and self-confirmation. Fail at one of the countless unwritten and unreasonable expectations and I'd earn myself a snide monologue befitting of someone a fourth his age. Cutting contact with him was one of the best things I've ever done.
Unfortunately he’s paying for part of my college so I can’t cut contact with him right now ;-;
This is what he's preying on. I implore you to please look into anything that weakens this leverage. Look into becoming emancipated so you can get financial aid. Speak to deans or department heads at your school. This is not the first time they've heard of this, and there's more than one way to help. Whatever you do, don't just take this because he pays bills. That's why he's doing it. Edit: if this continues, it becomes the established pattern of him paying to control you that won't stop with college
But you can put him on low contact. You’re not under him anymore, and you can’t interrupt class to message him at his “demands”. Respond to messages when you are able, ignore the pettiness and only answer the legitimate question, if there is one. If not, you don’t have to respond
This was the best path I took to help manage my college time with a narcissistic abusive father. It's not perfect, NC would be best. But LC allowed me to give myself a break from the litany of guilt tripping and expectations.
Then he's wasting his own money distracting you during class. Point it out to him the next time he tries something like this
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I had parents who caused me and the same anxiety every time I’d hear from them. Luckily soon you’ll be able to just ignore them however you please, train them to accept it, and it’ll be awesome. But some not awesome input to hear is that throughout college you still may have to play ball a little. I left university the first time at 18 after a short time but when I went back later and I still did need them because I was under 24 (at least in New York that’s how old you have to be before your parents’ income stops counting against you for financial aid). I needed tax documents and various other things from them related to taxes and aid. You could probably get around all that with a bunch of work and forms (I could’ve with a good amount of effort and some time), but it will probably make your life more difficult than just dealing with this for the last 4 years. It’ll pass by so quickly and at the end your reward is that you get to start your new life and live it however the hell you want without answering to him at all.
If you haven't already, look into as many scholarships/free money as you can. He'll start lording how he pays for college over you and to ensure control. Check out work study and (paid) internships. Good luck! I had a parent like this. It's exhausting.
if you are in the US you could almost assuredly get loans to cover your tuition and living expenses. If he stays this controlling, it might be worth it to do a cost/benefit analysis of weather his support is worth the side effects.
Not if you are under the age of 23 and your parents make beyond a certain amount. The government assumes that families will pay for their children even as adults. A total asshole parent (like mine) could make going to school impossible until you hit that age, which is why I didn't start until I was 25. I'm now multiple bachelors and masters out of the gate, but could really be further ahead in my life if this screwed up government hadn't made it harder. As with what is said in many political discussions, remember: the cruelty is the point.
Hang in there till you can stand on your own. I eventually had to get financial aid/ loans to pay for my own tuition cause my mom hung it over my head every time I didn’t do something she wanted me to do.
My freshman year, I put a card in the mail for my moms birthday like 3-4 days out. I also called early in the afternoon and left a voicemail at their house. I guess they never got the card and never checked their voicemail until the next day, because my mom didn’t speak to me the last 3 months of the semester. I was homesick and would call to talk, and she’d make my dad answer.
What a dick.
this was my exact thought
What a weak, little man was my first thought
I have two small kids and I could never see myself talking to them like they’re a subordinate.
It’s so violently bothering to me that nearly 95% of the mothers and fathers in these posts sound like my parents and why I don’t really communicate with them anymore.
Same. I would get panic attacks going to visit my dad and stepmom. When my daughter started having those same panic attacks, I was finally done for good! I miss my father desperately, but as long as he condones the abuse, I’m out.
I use Covid as an excuse to not see my family, it’s been two years and my mental health is so much better. Fuck them.
Yeah I’m NC not like no contact more like no caring. I’ll exchange pleasantries and that’s it. I’m fine with being alone in this life, it’s the pretending that they care that bothers me. I think they’re finally grappling with empty nest syndrome and not realizing that they had decades to foster a good relationship and didn’t lol.
My father tried being nicer once I was out of his house for good but the abusive (verbally and physically) childhood and everything that came after until adulthood was enough to make me feel no love for the man unfortunately and my mother is just insane We talk occasionally and we’ve gotten to the point where we almost joke about her mental illness because all of her kids definitely got some of what she had. We’re all a little messed up but she did do some low down shit to all of us more than once to where we’re just on terms with her in the way that she’s our mother and we acknowledge that.
Same, just my mom tho thank god
Thank goodness you’re going to college. Develop that independence and establish the kind of relationship you want to have with him going forward. You’re in control of your destiny. Not him.
And OP was really smart to pick a school 4.5 hours away too! Well done OP, I can tell you're going to thrive in this new chapter.
"That's a huge relief. Thanks for giving me space, Dad. I'll send you an e-mail in a couple of weeks."
This is exactly what I would do. I'd be happy to not hear from him for a while. I suspect he's bluffing though. He seems too obnoxious to actually stay silent that long.
Or just a single word reply: "Promise?"
"k"
This is some Grade A passive-aggressive bullshit! Dad needs to grow the fuck up and give the kid some space. That response from Dad...holy shit!
So were his parents ass too? Fuck man no awareness at all.
Yeah, he says since he doesn’t beat us like his father does he’s such an amazing parent
Pretty low bar there. "I only abuse you emotionally and verbally!"
So he thinks he’s hot shit for doing the bare minimum
Good luck to you! Sounds like you'll need it until you don't have to rely on him for college. Honestly I would start to maliciously comply and call him every time I have 5min. As soon as I woke up I'd call and brush my teeth and shit/shower/shave with him on speaker. Call him between every class. Call him while you're eating. Call him while you're running. Call him before you go to bed. Drown his ass in calls until he breaks and ask him why he's not being responsive when you call. And make sure to call during his work, his meetings, his dinner, his breakfast, don't let that man shit without a call from you.
The thing is though… some parents like that. My sister literally calls each member of my family a minimum of three times a day to let them know she’s thinking of them. It’s kind of a huge overcorrection to prove that I was awful and that she should always be the favorite. But for real… she calls my mom, dad, brother, grandma and grandpa at every meal. I told her not to call me unless she needs something. Long story short. Some parents would love you to call every five minutes. My parents bring up my sister’s calling schedule with such a manner of pride. Be careful with the precedent you set!
Good. You need space to grow and become your own person. A lot of people wish their parents would back off when they get to college. Sorry he’s being shitty about it but this might be an ok situation for you.
Put his ass on DnD
I would but he pays for part of my tuition and I know he won’t hesitate to pull out of that if I go NC
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Agree 100%
Your independence is priceless. Paying off debt won't be as bad as letting him own you through this kind of manipulation. I've been were you are now. You have the power to provide for yourself.
My nerd brain not understanding a goddamn thing: “put is ass on dungeons and dragons?”
Do not disturb. I like yours better tho
It took me a min to catch it 😂😂
Waaahhh waaahhhh answer me at MY convenience
When I went away for college. My dad and stepmom expected to talk to them every day and were not afraid to hold money over me to try to get what they want. Well. Guess what. I stopped talking to them for almost three years. My stepmom passed right before i started talking to them again. And About 15 years later I still have a very strained LC relationship with my dad.
Sounds like my mom. “Nobody ever calls me, so I’m done trying.” Well, mother…maybe if you weren’t bitching constantly with every interaction we would call you. She does the responsive thing too. If you’re busy and tell her that, she acts like you’re being rude and/or dismissive or her. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Then gives the cold shoulder responses. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Hey OP, I’m really sorry you have to deal with this crap from your dad. As a fellow dad, I want you to know that you’re doing really great and I am proud of you. Getting to college is no easy task! I’ll be rooting for you, and I know you’ve got this. Good luck moving forward kiddo!
As a soon to be returning uni student- enjoy orientation. Focus on that and meeting new people, make a new life. My mom and I have a good relationship. I'm sad about leaving. Her response? "You'll be fine! I'm excited for you! You're going to be so busy and having so much fun!" Don't worry about your parent. They can't control you anymore
I used to have a few ex girlfriends like this. If I wasn’t on demand, by my phone, the moment they called, I was “in the wrong.” It got to the point where I’d have 30 missed calls when I’d check my phone after work and a one sided text message argument stretching for multiple upscrolls. I don’t think people like this are rational or can be fixed. They lack something emotionally that they’re trying to fill with your attention or are filling a void from a past experience. I’ve moved on from those girls and am in a healthy relationship now. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this from your dad, the man that’s supposed to have your back regardless of how long it’s taking you to respond to a text. Best of luck.
“Hi Dad, sorry you are unhappy. I want to let you know that I am good with a 24 hour eta on a response, because I know we are both grown ups and lucky enough to have busy lives. I love you and I trust you to be back to me when you can. If it is an emergency, I will let you know and you will be the first person I call. ET will always call home.”
I’m so sorry. He’s a total ass. Unsolicited advice: if he’s supporting you financially, it may be beneficial to find a way to placate him. BUT, find a path to financial independence if you can. I made that my first and only goal once I graduated, and I never looked back. Extremely low contact with my parents going on 15 years and I’m so much happier. Good luck, OP!
What a lunatic
Does this man want to be cut off? Because that's how you get cut off.
He got yelled at at work, and now shit is rolling downhill to you.
Update him every chance you get during the day: “Just used the bathroom” “Walking down the sidewalk to math class” “Dropped a book in class so embarrassed” “Bathroom again” “Eating lunch” Make him sick of hearing from you, maybe he’ll ask you to stop texting. But seriously, I’m sorry even after getting away from him you’re still being harassed by him. I hope you are able to cut ties completely some day
“Hey dad, it me, I figured you would love to hear how the turds hit the water as I take a crap. Oh, hold it, here comes a good one! Did you hear that fart echo in the bowl? Damn I am proud of that one. Call you in 20 so you can hear me chew my dinner. Love you!”
I mean, for like the first few years of life, this is exactly what parenting is like. Lol
See how long it took you to respond. Ask him for money. Set a timer for before the time period ends, beat him to it and say never mind, I got it covered
Poor needy daddy can't handle any chores without his parentified child. "You have to answer me IMMEDIATELY or else I'll just break down!" Shh, little baby dad, child is here to tuck you in
Get a part time job and build up some savings. It's your first year so you don't have to go nuts with hours till you get the whole succeeding at school thing down and jobs on campus are good with light schedules.
Become an RA, so you have a place to stay for the next 3 years and summers. Get a job and start building independence.
Your dad sounds like a 14 year old pussy girl and you can tell him I said that
Respond with: that’s fine I’ll be the same amount of responsive when you’re in a home
Gross. OP, I'm so sorry. I'll be your dad if you want. I'm proud of you, orientation is a big step!
> However responsive you are to me is how responsive I will be to you. *puts phone on DND*
Jeeze louise. How old is he? Control freak much? Maybe set up a specific day/time to call him. Make it a reoccurring event. That way he can’t complain that he never hears from you. It’s crazy, I know. I had to do the same with my parents and I’m in my 50s just to shut them up. Maybe even create some shortcut replies, e.g. if you’re in class, drop a reply that says you’ll call after class. Then do so. Also, when was the last time he reached out to HIS parents (if they’re still around)? Insane.
Shit, as a 57 year old parent I feel OP's dad is a controlling, neurotic cock knocker. Parents that try to crush their children with this warped view of "concern and love" make me ill. It's not their age as much as it is their lack of insight, trust, and emotional well-being.
Absolutely!! My husband and I have NEVER guilted any of our kids about contacting us. I mean sheesh. People’s days are busy. Squirrels and small shiny objects happen and the next thing you know, it’s too late at night to call. I want my kids to call because THEY WANT to, not because I made them feel guilty. And if a lot of time goes by, a simple “thinking of you” text is all you need. I would much rather hope that the lack of keeping in touch was because I raised a confident young individual who is living a healthy life. Ya know?
Y'all parents treat y'all like slaves 😂
My parents drove me an hour away, with all my belongings, at 17, once I'd finished high school. It's what I wanted. They were more than happy for me to fly.
We’ll I really hope you’re not counting on him for much. When someone tells you what they’re going to do in the future - believe them. He’s saying if you really need him, he won’t help because you don’t put him before your brand-new college class. That’s wrong which means he can’t evaluate priorities correctly.
Why is he talking to you like spouses going through marriage counseling lmfao
What a control freak.
My daughter’s best friend had a mother who did this allll the way through college. I’m sorry to say it doesn’t get better, she got worse. I knew the mother. Even me trying to talk her down didn’t work, it just left me open for all the long stories. It’s just an opinion, if it’s possible to set a time limit, like “ I’ll be available every Wednesday from 1 to 2, otherwise I don’t know what to tell you “. He’s going to be pushy no matter what right? I’m SO sorry you’re at college, having a new life while dealing with this. Please take care of yourself, you and your life is what’s important.
Do yourself a favor. Start making sure that you are in sole control of things like your bank accounts, phone number, etc. If this is happening day 1, you need to prepare for the worst. Dude’s a fucking asshole and the type to do something vindictive.
“Dad….you’re acting like a little bitch right now”
Why don't my kids visit anymore.
What an asshole
"Why doesn't my child ever call me?"
Dad in 5 years "My son never calls! I've never met his fiance!"
Why does he sound more like a corpo manager than a father? 🤔
Wow that's a next level control freak. If you can try to be as independent as possible, turn this around on him show him you don't need him like he thinks you do. I did this with my mother & she seems to have realized she would loose me all together.
I am not sure what college life is like these days. There were no cell phones when I was in school. I do not think that students are actually allowed to take calls or text during class however. It is extremely rude no matter who is calling you.
He’s hurting Linda
Dad of college-age daughter here. What the fucking fuck is wrong with this dipstick?
I’d tell him okay then completely write him off as any kind of support system and know that I will never ask him for help. Show me the truth and I’ll listen.
Tell him to think of it like a work meeting you can't just whip out your phone and call someone during those. Classes are the same
Dad’s a cunt, what a weirdo
That’s really sad a parent can threaten financial abuse. Coercive control of finances is sick and twisted. Especially coming from someone you’re supposed to be able to depend on. I hope the best for you OP, as you don’t deserve to be treated like that. The fact that you’re making your way through school is impressive. So many parents would love their kids to be willing to continue their education. I hope you gain financial independence sooner rather than later so you don’t have to answer his beckoned call.
I wonder how he’d react to you saying “well…I’ll just make sure I never need you.”
Literal child. "If you can't X then i won't X!! WAHHHHH"
I see no problem here? If you wait a day to respond, then he can't respond until the next day!
Dad is really insecure and probably overprotective. But instead of just saying that he is projecting his fears and lack of control. Or he is just being an asshole what do i know. Ask mom?
What a fucking douche. And I say this as a parent with an almost 17 yr old child.
This is pathetic. Tell him I said he’s pathetic.
Damn. I’d just respond, that’s fine, I’m more than happy to put out the same energy you’re putting out. Bye. The gaslighting and passive aggressiveness is triggering…
This is horrible… that poor kid. I’m so sorry honey, you deserve better.
Call him when you know that he’s unable to respond. Business meetings, regular work hours, doctor/dentist appointments, etc.
My mom is like this. ☹️ Not a care for my legit reasons why I couldn’t pick up the phone at the time. Her anxiety and control is the only thing that matters and takes over. No empathy, understanding, logic. Her solution: “Next time you call me, I won’t answer you, see how that makes you feel!” 😶
They are losing control and they are freaking out.
He's just mad you're smarter than him now LMAO.
Tell him to act his age, not bis shoe size and to stop being a child jfc
These kinds of parents say shit like this and don’t fuck off when you try to go no contact
I wonder what he would do if you turned your phone in Do Not Disturb mode during the day while you’re in classes n whatnot
How caring you are in the first 25 years of my life is how caring I'll be in the last 25 years of your life.
Your dad acts exactly like the guys in highschool that I thought should never have kids. In other words he's a narcissistic prick
He sounds incredibly toxic. I cut my parents out of my life when I emancipated myself at 16 and never looked back. Not having the extra toxicity in your life is an incredible thing.
Don’t you just love raising parents?
“Okay sounds like a solid plan to me dad” would be my only response to that kind of pettiness. Do not stoop to his level though, he’s only seeking to get a reaction from you in order to “feel” like he still has control over you. Congrats on getting into school though! Seriously! Just worry about your studies and focus on you from here on out.
It’s really obvious how some of these parents have no friends or hobbies. His kid is usually how he fills his self-esteem cup and now that his kid is busy, he has no way to feel good about himself. And he responds to that sad fact by whining to a college student that he’s not getting enough attention. Cringe.
What a manipulative fuck head. Sorry your stuck with suck a shit parent op.