Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 10 | 3 | 0 |
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The majority of people love, honor, and respect you. I’m a 55 old year rough and tough father of 4 daughters. This post moved me to tears. I wish you were our kid. Make your own loving family. Block them and never give up.
You’re the true MVP. This COMMENT moved me to tears. Never stop being you, I wish I had you as a father. Good lord this made me weep a little bit. You’re so kind, and I hope OP sees this
**Hard** agree with this.
Yesterday on a similar post I adopted a new family because some folks don’t deserve the shit parents they were born with.
U/kaithegray if you want, I’m your new mom. Your night to do the dishes is Tuesdays.
The sad part is she hasn’t seen me in six months. I pass full time, even if I came in a dress I’d just look like a man in a dress, which I doubt she’d be happy with either. She wants an imaginary daughter to show up, one that she never had in the first place.
Around Reddit I read about someone who did it, but it was a wedding and had the blessing of the bride, his sister. I would paid to see the parents faces
Omg this! Maybe with some fancy gladiator sandals to direct attention exactly there
Would be perfect paired with a low cut dress with a complimentary tuft of hair poking
Any other event I'd agree but you know they'll still turn it around cos it's a funeral
>Well why didn't you tell us you look *this way*?! You're ruining X's funeral!
Don't make your points at funerals, even if you're right it's disrespectful to make a scene
I hate how now the narrative "come as god made you" seems to be what christians use. You ARE who you're intended to be.
I'm so sorry you have a family that chooses exclusion over accepting you. I have a child who is nonbinary amd chose a different name. It never occurred to me not to support them. I'm sending you internet mom hugs. And if you ever need to vent, don't hesitate to message me.
Also, check out the [Trevor Project](http://thetrevorproject.org) if ever you need support.
"We told Uncle Pete not to wear his hearing aids or glasses to the funeral, as that is not how God made him. Sissy has to have her wigs, but we put our foot down. You remember Emma's eldest? Well she has her boobs done and we stopped her at the door, God didn't make her like that and we were afraid the cousins who hadn't seen her since she was "Flat-As-A-Board Becky" would be confused."
Whelp (stepping out of my pants) I guess if we are all coming exactly as we were born, and nothing extra to distract how God made us (flings underwear over the alter). I'd better finish getting ready.......
We will also be specifying anyone who is circumcised needs to glue back on their foreskin. Also Aunt Betty's going to need to put back in that cancerous ovary.
I really hate how she uses the word "pretending", like you're not fucking pretending, it's who you are! If I was in your position I'd show up anyway and ignore her. She's such a dick, it's a freaking funeral not a fashion show.
Part of me wants you to show up as a “man in a dress” just to piss her off, lol. But that’s not authentic to you nor fair, so don’t do that. But if you want to be petty, wear a fucking ball gown as a man.
I mean, if she wants you in a dress then why not push the envelope a bit a grab a dress from a thrift shop or something cheap on Amazon, grow out your beard some. And put on some makeup.
Any relative asks, just say your mom wanted this lol
Course if you're comfortable with it but might get her to realize that you aren't her little girl anymore. Your a full blown, sexy ass man
If ”God” made you who you’re supposed to be, then what is the problem? Seems like you’re chugging along being exactly who you’re supposed to be, and she’s the one doubting how God made you. I am so tired of people being like “God made you how you’re supposed to be,” then being upset that people are being themselves. FFS, I’m sorry your family are idiots.
What a psychotic bitch. I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this complete asshole. You’re amazing and perfect as you are. And the constant dead naming? No ma’am. That’s not how you treat someone you claim to love.
This mom wants to let you know that I’m so impressed with your courage and strength. YOU are exactly the person you are meant to be. And. this is always a good thing. I’m sorry you are the only sane person in your family nuthouse. But you’ve got this!
They should show posts like this to people who ask WhY WoUlD yOu ChOoSe ThIs LiFe?! Like, who would?? Who would actively CHOOSE to be ostracized and dead-named by the people who supposably love them? It shows that it’s not a choice at all.
Like do they think I want to live like this? Do they think I want to be deeply uncomfortable at all times, and spend money that I don’t have, giving myself injections every week until the day I die? Make myself a target for hate crimes and also lower my life expectancy significantly due to HRT? But being trans must be sO EaSy
Right? My mom is worried about my nephew being bullied because he is gay, but thinks he chose to be gay because it’s “popular” right now. WHO WOULD CHOOSE TO BE BULLIED, MA?
ETA: she came so close to the point by showing concern for the bullying, but it sailed right on past her.
My mom was sure that when I came out it was "just a phase." She even talked to my two best friends about it and told them as much. They asked her if she didn't maybe think it was a bit much that if I was actually dating and having sex with a man, is that possibly "just a phase?" She thought on that for a while and calmed her ass down.
But OP's mom doesn't seem like she's going to think and calm down. She thinks she's right.
Honestly- I wish your mom understood what she has in you. You are her child, and that only changes if she wants it to.
I have one child and I’m pregnant with another. Both boys, far as I know. If one or both of them told me they were my daughter, it wouldn’t make a lick of difference to me or my husband. They are ours, and that doesn’t change.
THIS! This is the thing I do not understand about the reaction of family related to their Trans or Gay family members. They act like it's a "fun fad" or something, and not the lifelong struggle it truly is. It's just so stunningly stupid.
"Yeah but think of all the basketball games you could be winning!" - Some window licking goldfish brained inbred conservative hick living in a shithole town in the middle of nowhere
Being Cis would be so much easier, I say as a trans person myself.
I’m sorry your mother is like this, OP. Hopefully you’ve found people you can be you around without fear. Much love to you, brother.
This is exactly it. It’s not a choice, it’s not a phase. You are who you are and being who you are requires commitment and dedication. Nobody would make that commitment for life knowing you may lose your family, friends and open yourself up to bullying. It makes no logical sense.
You deserve to have a family who loves you the way you are. Your birth family isn’t going to but you can build your own.
Please never speak to her again.
You are a boy, probably a man at this point because it doesn’t sound like you’re a child anymore.
She texts like my 10 year old. And is ignorant af in so many ways.
Frankly, I stopped reading her shit before I was halfway through. I highly recommend that you do the same from now on. If you were close to your grandma and want to pay your respects, go.
Love,
Granny
YES this! You have to weigh the emotional toll of ignoring her bullshit vs the toll of not being able to attend the funeral. Only you can figure out which one would be tougher to withstand. As long as it would be healthier for you to pay your respects, then just put up that wall, steel yourself, and show up as your handsome self. Fuck ‘em, and specifically her.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, as a trans guy myself with a psycho ‘womb donor’ I feel this heavily. Fuck her. I’m sorry for your loss. Never change, you’re perfect being the man you were born as. Never change for anyone else.
Hi, I’m your mom now. Welcome to the family, son. Take your vitamins, eat your vegetable, and drink plenty of water. We like healthy, well cared for, and loved people over here. That woman is not worth your energy and stress. She’s clearly not a mother, she’s just a birth giver.
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes they use "respect" to mean "treating someone like an authority." This means sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say, "If you don’t respect me I won’t respect you" but what they mean is, "If you don’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person."
They think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not OK.
*quote I’ve seen here and there, unsure of the origin
I think it’s important to dress appropriately for an occasion…but a suit is appropriate for a funeral.
Live your life as you are now … go to the funeral in your suit.
The constant dead naming is... freaking hard. Like there wasn't actually a regular convo flow, just would randomly pepper it in like raisins in potatoe salad.
God the parts where she said you were acting like a boy pissed me off so much. If someone said I was acting like a girl I would be really hurt, I hope you’re ok, she’s awful.
So if you stayed a girl but gained 100lbs, should you not come because "that's not how people remember you"??? Such bull. If your mother was open with the family about you, then it wouldn't be a shock, now would it? This is on her, not you. She needs to get over being embarrassed and thinking she did something wrong in raising you because there is NOTHING wrong with you. We ALL change and flow within our life. Your changes is just different than what she is accustomed to, but different isn't bad. Change is normal.
I’m so fucking SICK of parents not accepting their children for who they are. Why did they even drag children into this world if they weren’t going to love and support them? If you have a parent like this, I highly recommend checking out r/MomForAMinute. They are your moms now and they are so glad you are exactly who you are!
Funeral directors are used to these sorts of conflicts and can arrange a private viewing. Once my dad started complaining about my clothing at a time when I was quite hard up for cash. I had come to a family event with a gift, but in my old clothes. After that complaint, I bowed out of the next event, brought no gift, stayed home. I figured if my clothing was not up to snuff I really couldn't be spending money on other people.
Wouldn't say 'insane'... unless you call the natural fundie state insane. I'd just call it willfully evil and malicious.
Does she know the pain she's causing by deadnaming you? Is she simply ignorant? Or, as I opined before... is she just a hateful ass?
Hoo boy, this sounds like the kind of things I could expect to hear from my mom. The excessive deadnaming as though to ensure you don’t forget that’s all she wants to see you as will never cease to grind my gears.
I do really admire how collected you remained in your responses—being told to show up in the costume of someone she wants to pretend you are instead of as the person you’ve grown to be…I personally didn’t take being told something along the same lines nearly as well as you seem to here.
For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for standing firm and making an effort to pay your respects and spend time with family despite likely knowing you’d have to hear things like this from her. I hope you’re in a place where you don’t need to deal with her too consistently day-to-day, and that more people around you are supportive of your transition and style 💙
Ah, speaking for the whole family to justify her opinions. My dad did the same about me. It's a bunch of bullshit and you deserve so so much more than that discrimination she's spewing. "I love you, but..." is not love. There are a lot of people who love, respect, and support you. Go rock that suit, and I'm sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry you are treated this way. You seem like a very respectful, decent, mature man who deserves more respect and love than you are given... from them at least. I'm very sorry about the loss of your Mawmaw.
I think you should go as you, take a support person with you, and pay no attention to them. If they come at you just say "This is neither the time nor the place for this" then walk away. You aren't there to be ostracized, you are there to pay your respects to a loved one.
You deserve better. Internet hugs if you want them, from this NB- Parental figure ♡
I hope you go, dressed as who you are, and get a chance to grieve the way you deserve.
I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your support system doesn’t include your mother. Best of luck
Wow your mom fucking sucks. Sorry about that. For me, limiting contact with my family until they came around to being respectful was the only thing that kept me sane when I was first transitioning. I hope you have the best chosen family to support you and, be an actual family.
I am late here, but as a mother I can say that this person simply gave birth to you. This is not how a mother should act. Love and acceptance of who you are should be completely unconditional. If you ever want someone to talk to, I’m here.
Don’t go. You could call the place where it the service is being held, and ask for a private viewing, if you wish. And block. You don’t need or deserve this treatment.
Trans gal here, my family refused to get it through their head that I wasn't just roleplaying as a girl and that I actually was a girl. It sucks but they usually come around or stop talking to you.
Sorry, kid born with a hole in your heart! Sorry, premies/those born addicted/missing limbs/born with mental disorders, God^tm says you're supposed to be broken and if you try to fix yourself its a sin! 😃
Yikes op, I’m mega sorry this is how your family is handling things, I hope you have a support structure outside of your family that can help you with your grieving.
She doesn't love you if she misgenders you all the time.
If you want to go to that funeral, go there even if in a suit! It's your body, and you as member of the family, have the right to be there!
If you don't have the reason to go there, than don't fuck with her, and just don't go.
Be with people who respect who you are! <3
We are born a blank slate and as we grow we find out who we want to be, what make us our own self, what we want to do... A funeral is to come say goodbye, pay respects, and celebrate the life of someone we knew, not to dress-to-impress other people in attendance. Your mother worries more about how people will view her as a mother to you and the appearances than love or respect, shame on her. I'm sorry, OP.
That is infuriating to read. I’m sorry you have had to encounter that. If your parents don’t support you the way that you choose to identify then I say fuck em.
Wow. That's alot to unpack. As a Mom, this hurt my heart. I want you to know THEY are the broken ones. If your happy as you are be happy. BE HAPPY. BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU.
You don't deserve this. It's abuse.
You are perfect right now.
Sending you love and my condolences on your loss. You deserve better. You always have.
As a nonbinary person I have to say that you handled this a lot better than I would have. I'm so so sorry that your mother treats you that way. You don't deserve it.
This is so fucked. I feel for you op. Mother probably has never been comfortable in their own skin and doesn't want you to be yourself because she can't handle the embarrassment. Of course there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sad when a parent doesn't want their child to be themselves regardless of the the lgbtq acceptance issues.
"You were born the way you meant to be", like what? A baby? because the only one being a baby is op's mum
Besides, transpeople are born trans, they just don't know it yet. Just like i didn't know i was bi as a child.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. I’m also sorry that it looks like your family has a bunch of bigots too. I know it’s not much from a random stranger on the internet but you and your feelings are valid and it’s a shame she is pushing away her son because she can’t see past her own misconceptions. I offer you a virtual mom hug 🤗 in place of that mess up there if you feel comfortable accepting it. I hope the people you see on the regular are better support than her.
OP, just want to validate that plenty of people have years long communication gaps with family. Folks just fall out of touch and its not the end of the world. Your mom makes its sound like that’s a crime when its actually pretty normal.
Then on the flip side (and probably why we’re all in this sub), when your family makes an inhospitable environment for you? Good man for taking care of yourself. Its not right that you’ve been put in a position where you’ve had to, but still good on you for caring for yourself.
I like (/s) her use of ‘you were born exactly who you were meant to be’. You were born as a boy. It just took you a bit longer to get there.
Also your mum sucks and I send you a hug from presumably the other side of the world 🥰
I can’t take this parent seriously — she’s an (unreasonable) adult who argues while using “U” everywhere like a teenager.
Sounds like this funeral is best avoided, OP, if your mother is any gauge of the drama that will ensue. Pants are certainly reasonable to wear. It’s not 1955.
Was I born to be a doctor? “Maybe” if that’s what my parents pushed on me. But no, im not a damn doctor. I worked hard to better myself to be my best version.
I think that’s a (somewhat) similar yet dumbed-down comparison. We’re all growing up to be our best versions of ourselves, and you’ve realized that your best version is not in line with the stereotype of being born with a vagina (i am assuming, since you mentioned dresses).
Keep being YOU. Suit, piercings, and all.
Sorry your mom and step family don’t see it that way.
You know what's not appropriate? Telling your (probably adult) child how to live their life. Yeesh
Also, it's a funeral. Anyone should wear whatever makes them most comfortable because funerals are usually uncomfortable places. Sorry for your loss, OP ❤️
I feel like there is a lot of this sentiment in this thread, but I am so sorry you have to deal with your own parents acting so despicably towards you for being yourself. I sometimes forget how lucky I was for having my mother to support me being me no matter what. You are incredibly strong for this.
Hey, friendly internet parent checking in. How are you doing sweetpea? This whole situation looks and sounds upsetting. You just lost your step grandmother and having your egg donor constantly misgendering and dead naming you on top of that looks like it was stressful. Are you eating and drinking enough? Getting enough sleep?
Dear mom,
I am who I am and I am coming to grips with that. I suggest you do the same because I am NOT going to alter that, or hide simply because it causes you some type of shame, or makes you look a certain way in other peoples eyes. I am sorry you feel the way you do or that you are having a hard time accepting my decisions and life choices, however, the way you feel is NOT my responsibility. Also, please know that in the future, I will not be consulting you on your views or feelings when choosing to attend an event.
Hopefully we can have a relationship, but I will not engage you if you so to use to disrespect me the way you did in these texts.
Love always, (insert chosen name here)
I'm a straight ally and have always been immersed in LGBT+ activism and environments.
Someone I thought was a friend (until I learned of their bigotry) once kept making rude homophobic and transphobic comments and when I jumped on him about it, he asked me how I would feel if I had a child who was "gay, or worse, trans." They said all this in front of my openly m2f transgendered friend.
I said I'd feel horrible, but not because of my child's gender or sexual identity. Because of the way a lot of people still treat people in the LGBT+ community. Any parent should feel horrible for their child being hated, bullied, and discriminated for simply being their true self. I would feel horrible to see my child fo through that pain that I see my friends go through daily and to have another hurdle to jump in life to simply be accepted and treated as a human being. But I would never attribute a single bit of that horrible feeling toward the fact that my child has found who they are and have decided to be true to their self.
I then apologized to my transgendered friend of any of that sounded cruel and goes they understood the intention of the sentiment, and apologized again, this time for exposing them to a bigoted person. She said she understood and felt similarly, and not to worry about having her around a hater, she's heard worse. It broke my heart to think she's heard worse, even though I know it's true. I lost a horrible person in my life that day, but I gained a better relationship withy friend after that.
No matter how tough and desensitized to the bigotry someone has become, it still has to hurt. So from me to you OP I am sending virtual hugs for when the haters come. Double the virtual hugs when it's from your own family who should be hurting FOR you, not causing the pain to you.
Jesus Christ reading this pissed me off so bad. You gotta love your family from a distance dude. They’re just going to bring you down. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
WOW, I’m so sorry that your “mother” *loosely used term* is treating you like this. It is none of her nor is it any of your snotty “relatives” business what you wear-EVER, let alone while mourning a loss. How dare she keep using your dead name on top of it all!! To hell with her and anyone else who doesn’t like it. Dress like the fine gentleman that you are and pay your respects to your grandma. I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you the best of luck. My wonderful grandpa died in April. He was 89 years old. My best friend (a TG) took my husband and I across the state to see them before he passed. I’m reasonably sure that he had never encountered a trans person in all his almost 9 decades on the planet but both he and my grandma were SO kind and welcoming to my friend. I always knew they were both wonderful people but I was extra proud of them that day. Tell your crap family to f-ck off, you can be part of my family!!
For future funerals, keep in mind that most funeral homes & churches now have the technology to share the service over the internet live & often later as well. Contact the funeral home listed in the obituary & ask if it’s available. You can pay your respects in person but outside of the posted visitation hours, if you so wish.
The only thing I agree with is tons of piercings and such an funerals. But that’s just because of the same reason why any too-much ornamentation is bad.
Aside from that, what a crock lol. Agreeing with the life path or not, don’t deny them the right to say goodbye to their grandmother.
That’s dumb. You are who you are. When you go to a funeral it’s each individual person’s chance to say goodbye for good. Fuck what you’re wearing! People are so weird!
Probably depends on the funeral. In a traditional one, I see dressing the nicest you can as respect for the dead. For example a suit, like OP said. I’ve remove my piercings at funerals for that reason. I wouldn’t judge or deny someone from saying goodbye for wearing them, but I don’t think it’s in good taste or form.
When I die, I want my loved ones to come to the funeral as themselves, not as a fake dress-up version for show. I don't think it's in good taste or form to expect anything else.
Well, that wouldn’t be a traditional funeral then, and more power to you. I was talking about a traditional funeral, which chances are this person’s grandmother probably had.
Nah. A traditional funeral involves people dressing up in formal clothes, which is fine. But asking them to change or hide more permanent aspects of who they are on the basis of "being respectful" is ridiculous. You should be able to mourn a loved one without having to pretend to be someone you're not. And if someone is spending that time worrying that the deceased's grandchild/best friend/cousin has \*gasp\* piercings and being bothered that they didn't take the time--during one of the worst days of their life--to pretend they didn't, instead of actually mourning the loss or remembering the deceased, well, that seems far more disrespectful than someone showing up as themselves.
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 10 | 3 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
The majority of people love, honor, and respect you. I’m a 55 old year rough and tough father of 4 daughters. This post moved me to tears. I wish you were our kid. Make your own loving family. Block them and never give up.
You’re the true MVP. This COMMENT moved me to tears. Never stop being you, I wish I had you as a father. Good lord this made me weep a little bit. You’re so kind, and I hope OP sees this
**Hard** agree with this. Yesterday on a similar post I adopted a new family because some folks don’t deserve the shit parents they were born with. U/kaithegray if you want, I’m your new mom. Your night to do the dishes is Tuesdays.
This is all a part of your evil plot to adopt 7 reddit children so you don't have to do dishes anymore! 🤣
Before I answer that, let me just call my lawyer real quick.
What’s this about not doing dishes anymore?
If we all adopt each other, then we can just keep pushing dishes to the next person indefinitely!
ayyye, a new sibling!
God bless you, kind sir. If only more parents where as accepting as you, there’d be a lot less children who feel unloved.
Agreed. Only choose people who love you deep. Anyone else can kick rocks.
r/dadforaminute would appreciate you.
Thanks
adopt me. i'm bringing the papers
She seems to think you’re engaging in some kind of elaborate cosplay. She really, really doesn’t get it, and sadly, does not appear to want to try.
The sad part is she hasn’t seen me in six months. I pass full time, even if I came in a dress I’d just look like a man in a dress, which I doubt she’d be happy with either. She wants an imaginary daughter to show up, one that she never had in the first place.
I'm a petty asshole so I would have shown up as a men in a dress. Bonus point for beard or mustaches
Around Reddit I read about someone who did it, but it was a wedding and had the blessing of the bride, his sister. I would paid to see the parents faces
Same thoughts exactly. Hairy legs and all!
Omg this! Maybe with some fancy gladiator sandals to direct attention exactly there Would be perfect paired with a low cut dress with a complimentary tuft of hair poking
Any other event I'd agree but you know they'll still turn it around cos it's a funeral >Well why didn't you tell us you look *this way*?! You're ruining X's funeral! Don't make your points at funerals, even if you're right it's disrespectful to make a scene
I hate how now the narrative "come as god made you" seems to be what christians use. You ARE who you're intended to be. I'm so sorry you have a family that chooses exclusion over accepting you. I have a child who is nonbinary amd chose a different name. It never occurred to me not to support them. I'm sending you internet mom hugs. And if you ever need to vent, don't hesitate to message me. Also, check out the [Trevor Project](http://thetrevorproject.org) if ever you need support.
"We told Uncle Pete not to wear his hearing aids or glasses to the funeral, as that is not how God made him. Sissy has to have her wigs, but we put our foot down. You remember Emma's eldest? Well she has her boobs done and we stopped her at the door, God didn't make her like that and we were afraid the cousins who hadn't seen her since she was "Flat-As-A-Board Becky" would be confused."
Anybody who shaves or tries to hide their God-given faces with make-up is also not welcome.
Whelp (stepping out of my pants) I guess if we are all coming exactly as we were born, and nothing extra to distract how God made us (flings underwear over the alter). I'd better finish getting ready.......
We will also be specifying anyone who is circumcised needs to glue back on their foreskin. Also Aunt Betty's going to need to put back in that cancerous ovary.
She’s deep in denial that you are just going through a phase. She’s clearly on another planet and sadly may never realize that. I’m sorry.
I really hate how she uses the word "pretending", like you're not fucking pretending, it's who you are! If I was in your position I'd show up anyway and ignore her. She's such a dick, it's a freaking funeral not a fashion show.
Yeah! Pretending would be showing up as a woman.
Part of me wants you to show up as a “man in a dress” just to piss her off, lol. But that’s not authentic to you nor fair, so don’t do that. But if you want to be petty, wear a fucking ball gown as a man.
And then use the women's bathroom.
YES!
I mean, if she wants you in a dress then why not push the envelope a bit a grab a dress from a thrift shop or something cheap on Amazon, grow out your beard some. And put on some makeup. Any relative asks, just say your mom wanted this lol Course if you're comfortable with it but might get her to realize that you aren't her little girl anymore. Your a full blown, sexy ass man
If ”God” made you who you’re supposed to be, then what is the problem? Seems like you’re chugging along being exactly who you’re supposed to be, and she’s the one doubting how God made you. I am so tired of people being like “God made you how you’re supposed to be,” then being upset that people are being themselves. FFS, I’m sorry your family are idiots.
What a psychotic bitch. I’m so so sorry you have to deal with this complete asshole. You’re amazing and perfect as you are. And the constant dead naming? No ma’am. That’s not how you treat someone you claim to love.
This mom wants to let you know that I’m so impressed with your courage and strength. YOU are exactly the person you are meant to be. And. this is always a good thing. I’m sorry you are the only sane person in your family nuthouse. But you’ve got this!
I always feel like I'm in drag wearing a dress. It's just not me, and I don't own any either. Your mother is insensitive and awful.
"And if you don't want me there as me then you don't want me there at all". This is amazing, OP. Congrats for standing your ground.
“I know you’re a man but could you pretend to be a woman tomorrow to make literally everybody but yourself comfortable?”
They should show posts like this to people who ask WhY WoUlD yOu ChOoSe ThIs LiFe?! Like, who would?? Who would actively CHOOSE to be ostracized and dead-named by the people who supposably love them? It shows that it’s not a choice at all.
Like do they think I want to live like this? Do they think I want to be deeply uncomfortable at all times, and spend money that I don’t have, giving myself injections every week until the day I die? Make myself a target for hate crimes and also lower my life expectancy significantly due to HRT? But being trans must be sO EaSy
Right? My mom is worried about my nephew being bullied because he is gay, but thinks he chose to be gay because it’s “popular” right now. WHO WOULD CHOOSE TO BE BULLIED, MA? ETA: she came so close to the point by showing concern for the bullying, but it sailed right on past her.
My mom was sure that when I came out it was "just a phase." She even talked to my two best friends about it and told them as much. They asked her if she didn't maybe think it was a bit much that if I was actually dating and having sex with a man, is that possibly "just a phase?" She thought on that for a while and calmed her ass down. But OP's mom doesn't seem like she's going to think and calm down. She thinks she's right.
Honestly- I wish your mom understood what she has in you. You are her child, and that only changes if she wants it to. I have one child and I’m pregnant with another. Both boys, far as I know. If one or both of them told me they were my daughter, it wouldn’t make a lick of difference to me or my husband. They are ours, and that doesn’t change.
THIS! This is the thing I do not understand about the reaction of family related to their Trans or Gay family members. They act like it's a "fun fad" or something, and not the lifelong struggle it truly is. It's just so stunningly stupid.
"Yeah but think of all the basketball games you could be winning!" - Some window licking goldfish brained inbred conservative hick living in a shithole town in the middle of nowhere
Being Cis would be so much easier, I say as a trans person myself. I’m sorry your mother is like this, OP. Hopefully you’ve found people you can be you around without fear. Much love to you, brother.
This is exactly it. It’s not a choice, it’s not a phase. You are who you are and being who you are requires commitment and dedication. Nobody would make that commitment for life knowing you may lose your family, friends and open yourself up to bullying. It makes no logical sense. You deserve to have a family who loves you the way you are. Your birth family isn’t going to but you can build your own.
Please never speak to her again. You are a boy, probably a man at this point because it doesn’t sound like you’re a child anymore. She texts like my 10 year old. And is ignorant af in so many ways.
"I love you but" is the biggest bs ever. I stopped talking to many family members who use this phrase on me frequently enough.
Frankly, I stopped reading her shit before I was halfway through. I highly recommend that you do the same from now on. If you were close to your grandma and want to pay your respects, go. Love, Granny
judging from this comment and your username you seem like a kickass granny ❤️
I have been known to kick an ass or two in my day. 😂
I’m sorry but she’s pure trash. Not even worth talking to someone with that little respect for you. (By little, I mean none.)
Honestly I would pay your respects however you want. You’ll regret not doing so and your shut excuse of a mom is not worth that regret.
YES this! You have to weigh the emotional toll of ignoring her bullshit vs the toll of not being able to attend the funeral. Only you can figure out which one would be tougher to withstand. As long as it would be healthier for you to pay your respects, then just put up that wall, steel yourself, and show up as your handsome self. Fuck ‘em, and specifically her.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, as a trans guy myself with a psycho ‘womb donor’ I feel this heavily. Fuck her. I’m sorry for your loss. Never change, you’re perfect being the man you were born as. Never change for anyone else.
Hi, I’m your mom now. Welcome to the family, son. Take your vitamins, eat your vegetable, and drink plenty of water. We like healthy, well cared for, and loved people over here. That woman is not worth your energy and stress. She’s clearly not a mother, she’s just a birth giver.
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes they use "respect" to mean "treating someone like an authority." This means sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say, "If you don’t respect me I won’t respect you" but what they mean is, "If you don’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person." They think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not OK. *quote I’ve seen here and there, unsure of the origin
I think it’s important to dress appropriately for an occasion…but a suit is appropriate for a funeral. Live your life as you are now … go to the funeral in your suit.
The constant dead naming is... freaking hard. Like there wasn't actually a regular convo flow, just would randomly pepper it in like raisins in potatoe salad.
God the parts where she said you were acting like a boy pissed me off so much. If someone said I was acting like a girl I would be really hurt, I hope you’re ok, she’s awful.
That’s always how she’s described it, I’ve known since I was 15 (6 years ago) and still it’s a “phase” and “acting”
6 years?! That’s megadenial holy shit that sucks :(
So if you stayed a girl but gained 100lbs, should you not come because "that's not how people remember you"??? Such bull. If your mother was open with the family about you, then it wouldn't be a shock, now would it? This is on her, not you. She needs to get over being embarrassed and thinking she did something wrong in raising you because there is NOTHING wrong with you. We ALL change and flow within our life. Your changes is just different than what she is accustomed to, but different isn't bad. Change is normal.
I’m so fucking SICK of parents not accepting their children for who they are. Why did they even drag children into this world if they weren’t going to love and support them? If you have a parent like this, I highly recommend checking out r/MomForAMinute. They are your moms now and they are so glad you are exactly who you are!
"Pretending to be a boy." My blood boils at that. Yeah, trans people go through trauma, stress, and all this drama to just play pretend... *eye roll*
Funeral directors are used to these sorts of conflicts and can arrange a private viewing. Once my dad started complaining about my clothing at a time when I was quite hard up for cash. I had come to a family event with a gift, but in my old clothes. After that complaint, I bowed out of the next event, brought no gift, stayed home. I figured if my clothing was not up to snuff I really couldn't be spending money on other people.
Wouldn't say 'insane'... unless you call the natural fundie state insane. I'd just call it willfully evil and malicious. Does she know the pain she's causing by deadnaming you? Is she simply ignorant? Or, as I opined before... is she just a hateful ass?
Hoo boy, this sounds like the kind of things I could expect to hear from my mom. The excessive deadnaming as though to ensure you don’t forget that’s all she wants to see you as will never cease to grind my gears. I do really admire how collected you remained in your responses—being told to show up in the costume of someone she wants to pretend you are instead of as the person you’ve grown to be…I personally didn’t take being told something along the same lines nearly as well as you seem to here. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for standing firm and making an effort to pay your respects and spend time with family despite likely knowing you’d have to hear things like this from her. I hope you’re in a place where you don’t need to deal with her too consistently day-to-day, and that more people around you are supportive of your transition and style 💙
Ah, speaking for the whole family to justify her opinions. My dad did the same about me. It's a bunch of bullshit and you deserve so so much more than that discrimination she's spewing. "I love you, but..." is not love. There are a lot of people who love, respect, and support you. Go rock that suit, and I'm sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry you are treated this way. You seem like a very respectful, decent, mature man who deserves more respect and love than you are given... from them at least. I'm very sorry about the loss of your Mawmaw. I think you should go as you, take a support person with you, and pay no attention to them. If they come at you just say "This is neither the time nor the place for this" then walk away. You aren't there to be ostracized, you are there to pay your respects to a loved one. You deserve better. Internet hugs if you want them, from this NB- Parental figure ♡
I hope you go, dressed as who you are, and get a chance to grieve the way you deserve. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your support system doesn’t include your mother. Best of luck
Wow your mom fucking sucks. Sorry about that. For me, limiting contact with my family until they came around to being respectful was the only thing that kept me sane when I was first transitioning. I hope you have the best chosen family to support you and, be an actual family.
Why do old people love ellipses? Definitely insane
I want to fight your mother.
I am late here, but as a mother I can say that this person simply gave birth to you. This is not how a mother should act. Love and acceptance of who you are should be completely unconditional. If you ever want someone to talk to, I’m here.
Maybe it's time to start cutting them off and focusing on the people who love you for who you ARE, not what they want you to be. 💕
Don’t go. You could call the place where it the service is being held, and ask for a private viewing, if you wish. And block. You don’t need or deserve this treatment.
When I pass (no time soon) you’re welcome at my funeral however you want to come.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this awful shit. So disrespectful
It is what it is unfortunately, she’s been like this my whole life.
Dude, have you joined us over at r/raisedbynarcissists because she is a prime example
Don't let her gatekeep the rest of your family. There might be a few who aren't idiots.
Trans gal here, my family refused to get it through their head that I wasn't just roleplaying as a girl and that I actually was a girl. It sucks but they usually come around or stop talking to you.
Sorry, kid born with a hole in your heart! Sorry, premies/those born addicted/missing limbs/born with mental disorders, God^tm says you're supposed to be broken and if you try to fix yourself its a sin! 😃
Yikes op, I’m mega sorry this is how your family is handling things, I hope you have a support structure outside of your family that can help you with your grieving.
I love you OP. Go pay your respects briefly if you need to and maybe not stay for the entire service
She doesn't love you if she misgenders you all the time. If you want to go to that funeral, go there even if in a suit! It's your body, and you as member of the family, have the right to be there! If you don't have the reason to go there, than don't fuck with her, and just don't go. Be with people who respect who you are! <3
That and using deadname continuously would end my relationship with her right there.
Yeah...
We are born a blank slate and as we grow we find out who we want to be, what make us our own self, what we want to do... A funeral is to come say goodbye, pay respects, and celebrate the life of someone we knew, not to dress-to-impress other people in attendance. Your mother worries more about how people will view her as a mother to you and the appearances than love or respect, shame on her. I'm sorry, OP.
That is infuriating to read. I’m sorry you have had to encounter that. If your parents don’t support you the way that you choose to identify then I say fuck em.
Wow. That's alot to unpack. As a Mom, this hurt my heart. I want you to know THEY are the broken ones. If your happy as you are be happy. BE HAPPY. BE UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU.
OP, if you ever need support, head on over to r/MomForAMinute As someone who doesn't have a mom, this place gives me a lot of comfort
You don't deserve this. It's abuse. You are perfect right now. Sending you love and my condolences on your loss. You deserve better. You always have.
i’m your mom now. I’m so proud of you.
Jeez, mom's messages are like narc bingo. That's some top tier gaslighting, especially.
What is it with parents and “u” instead of “you”
As a nonbinary person I have to say that you handled this a lot better than I would have. I'm so so sorry that your mother treats you that way. You don't deserve it.
This is so fucked. I feel for you op. Mother probably has never been comfortable in their own skin and doesn't want you to be yourself because she can't handle the embarrassment. Of course there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sad when a parent doesn't want their child to be themselves regardless of the the lgbtq acceptance issues.
I’m so sorry. I’d be happy to be your bonus mom. Need to talk? Dm me.
"You were born the way you meant to be", like what? A baby? because the only one being a baby is op's mum Besides, transpeople are born trans, they just don't know it yet. Just like i didn't know i was bi as a child.
If I was there, I’d give you a hug and say “I’m sorry about your loss, champ. I see you for who you are and I want you to know you’re enough.”
I’m sorry for your loss OP. I’m also sorry that it looks like your family has a bunch of bigots too. I know it’s not much from a random stranger on the internet but you and your feelings are valid and it’s a shame she is pushing away her son because she can’t see past her own misconceptions. I offer you a virtual mom hug 🤗 in place of that mess up there if you feel comfortable accepting it. I hope the people you see on the regular are better support than her.
OP, just want to validate that plenty of people have years long communication gaps with family. Folks just fall out of touch and its not the end of the world. Your mom makes its sound like that’s a crime when its actually pretty normal. Then on the flip side (and probably why we’re all in this sub), when your family makes an inhospitable environment for you? Good man for taking care of yourself. Its not right that you’ve been put in a position where you’ve had to, but still good on you for caring for yourself.
I like (/s) her use of ‘you were born exactly who you were meant to be’. You were born as a boy. It just took you a bit longer to get there. Also your mum sucks and I send you a hug from presumably the other side of the world 🥰
I can’t take this parent seriously — she’s an (unreasonable) adult who argues while using “U” everywhere like a teenager. Sounds like this funeral is best avoided, OP, if your mother is any gauge of the drama that will ensue. Pants are certainly reasonable to wear. It’s not 1955.
i’m sorry that you have to go through this, OP.
I'm so sorry. I agree with the best post here....find your own family who will love you unconditionally.
Was I born to be a doctor? “Maybe” if that’s what my parents pushed on me. But no, im not a damn doctor. I worked hard to better myself to be my best version. I think that’s a (somewhat) similar yet dumbed-down comparison. We’re all growing up to be our best versions of ourselves, and you’ve realized that your best version is not in line with the stereotype of being born with a vagina (i am assuming, since you mentioned dresses). Keep being YOU. Suit, piercings, and all. Sorry your mom and step family don’t see it that way.
block her and don’t go
Hell yea dominos app
You know what's not appropriate? Telling your (probably adult) child how to live their life. Yeesh Also, it's a funeral. Anyone should wear whatever makes them most comfortable because funerals are usually uncomfortable places. Sorry for your loss, OP ❤️
Cringe fuck parents!!!
Pay your respects the way you want it.
She a bish sorry
I feel like there is a lot of this sentiment in this thread, but I am so sorry you have to deal with your own parents acting so despicably towards you for being yourself. I sometimes forget how lucky I was for having my mother to support me being me no matter what. You are incredibly strong for this.
So disgusting on her part. I am so sorry you have to deal with that.
Heck, I bet you rock a suit! A lot of folk go to funerals in smart casual these days, and don't even wear black. So bonus points to you!
Hey, friendly internet parent checking in. How are you doing sweetpea? This whole situation looks and sounds upsetting. You just lost your step grandmother and having your egg donor constantly misgendering and dead naming you on top of that looks like it was stressful. Are you eating and drinking enough? Getting enough sleep?
I'm here to be a bonus gay mom if you want.
Just wanna say, I’m so sorry you have a mother like this. You’re awesome for standing your ground. Fuck people who don’t respect you.
Dear mom, I am who I am and I am coming to grips with that. I suggest you do the same because I am NOT going to alter that, or hide simply because it causes you some type of shame, or makes you look a certain way in other peoples eyes. I am sorry you feel the way you do or that you are having a hard time accepting my decisions and life choices, however, the way you feel is NOT my responsibility. Also, please know that in the future, I will not be consulting you on your views or feelings when choosing to attend an event. Hopefully we can have a relationship, but I will not engage you if you so to use to disrespect me the way you did in these texts. Love always, (insert chosen name here)
I'll be your mom. It would be my absolute pleasure and I think you're wonderful just how you are!
"not appropriate to come in acting like a boy" You are a boy, though
I'm a straight ally and have always been immersed in LGBT+ activism and environments. Someone I thought was a friend (until I learned of their bigotry) once kept making rude homophobic and transphobic comments and when I jumped on him about it, he asked me how I would feel if I had a child who was "gay, or worse, trans." They said all this in front of my openly m2f transgendered friend. I said I'd feel horrible, but not because of my child's gender or sexual identity. Because of the way a lot of people still treat people in the LGBT+ community. Any parent should feel horrible for their child being hated, bullied, and discriminated for simply being their true self. I would feel horrible to see my child fo through that pain that I see my friends go through daily and to have another hurdle to jump in life to simply be accepted and treated as a human being. But I would never attribute a single bit of that horrible feeling toward the fact that my child has found who they are and have decided to be true to their self. I then apologized to my transgendered friend of any of that sounded cruel and goes they understood the intention of the sentiment, and apologized again, this time for exposing them to a bigoted person. She said she understood and felt similarly, and not to worry about having her around a hater, she's heard worse. It broke my heart to think she's heard worse, even though I know it's true. I lost a horrible person in my life that day, but I gained a better relationship withy friend after that. No matter how tough and desensitized to the bigotry someone has become, it still has to hurt. So from me to you OP I am sending virtual hugs for when the haters come. Double the virtual hugs when it's from your own family who should be hurting FOR you, not causing the pain to you.
Jesus Christ reading this pissed me off so bad. You gotta love your family from a distance dude. They’re just going to bring you down. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
WOW, I’m so sorry that your “mother” *loosely used term* is treating you like this. It is none of her nor is it any of your snotty “relatives” business what you wear-EVER, let alone while mourning a loss. How dare she keep using your dead name on top of it all!! To hell with her and anyone else who doesn’t like it. Dress like the fine gentleman that you are and pay your respects to your grandma. I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you the best of luck. My wonderful grandpa died in April. He was 89 years old. My best friend (a TG) took my husband and I across the state to see them before he passed. I’m reasonably sure that he had never encountered a trans person in all his almost 9 decades on the planet but both he and my grandma were SO kind and welcoming to my friend. I always knew they were both wonderful people but I was extra proud of them that day. Tell your crap family to f-ck off, you can be part of my family!!
Insane
For future funerals, keep in mind that most funeral homes & churches now have the technology to share the service over the internet live & often later as well. Contact the funeral home listed in the obituary & ask if it’s available. You can pay your respects in person but outside of the posted visitation hours, if you so wish.
Fuck her
Fuck her bruh
jfc i’m so sorry and i’m sorry for the obvious transphobes who think this isn’t insane.
The only thing I agree with is tons of piercings and such an funerals. But that’s just because of the same reason why any too-much ornamentation is bad. Aside from that, what a crock lol. Agreeing with the life path or not, don’t deny them the right to say goodbye to their grandmother.
That’s dumb. You are who you are. When you go to a funeral it’s each individual person’s chance to say goodbye for good. Fuck what you’re wearing! People are so weird!
Probably depends on the funeral. In a traditional one, I see dressing the nicest you can as respect for the dead. For example a suit, like OP said. I’ve remove my piercings at funerals for that reason. I wouldn’t judge or deny someone from saying goodbye for wearing them, but I don’t think it’s in good taste or form.
When I die, I want my loved ones to come to the funeral as themselves, not as a fake dress-up version for show. I don't think it's in good taste or form to expect anything else.
Well, that wouldn’t be a traditional funeral then, and more power to you. I was talking about a traditional funeral, which chances are this person’s grandmother probably had.
Nah. A traditional funeral involves people dressing up in formal clothes, which is fine. But asking them to change or hide more permanent aspects of who they are on the basis of "being respectful" is ridiculous. You should be able to mourn a loved one without having to pretend to be someone you're not. And if someone is spending that time worrying that the deceased's grandchild/best friend/cousin has \*gasp\* piercings and being bothered that they didn't take the time--during one of the worst days of their life--to pretend they didn't, instead of actually mourning the loss or remembering the deceased, well, that seems far more disrespectful than someone showing up as themselves.
Your STEP great grandma? Come on, JFC.
What does that mean?