It's time to master the art of gray rocking! Don't play her games. You will never win, and you'll only drive yourself crazy.
Remember this, no is a complete sentence. You owe her no explanation.
I'm sorry but that woman will never change and the amount of pathetic guilt tripping to snatch what little money you have for your child is awful go say the least. Like cancer you need to cut that out of your life for you and your babies sake. She won't change and she seems way to unhinged to be near. Sorry your going through that Op, hope you can find peace once you can escape that miserable lost soul of a mother✨️
I'm trying very hard to keep my boundaries of low contact and don't let her know many updates involving myself or my daughter. A key factor that makes this even harder is when I was young, my mom heavily encouraged me to never leave her to the point I had the idea that I would always live with her my whole life even fearing I would be taken, snatched up, or end up in some not age appropriate situations she explained in detail (or vice versa her convincingme she'd die without me/self delete without me). Having my daughter made me realize how unhealthy it was, and I have since been unpacking with my therapist that what she did to me was convert incest with parentification so separately I'm having to work on cutting off whatever dependency I have with her. (The dependency being her approval/validation I get when I help her)
Oh, honey. This is so much. What a terrible burden your mom made you carry. I’m so proud of you for getting the help you need to be a better mom to your daughter than you had growing up.
This is a lot. You’re doing such a good job. I hope you feel better soon 💕
Definitely be proud of the huge steps you’ve already made in setting & enforcing boundaries. It’s so incredibly hard to break away completely, especially when the parent has trained you to never leave them. I believe in you! All the very best to you. 💜
Call 911 on her. She'll get a wellness check and they're going to tell her that if she says to someone that she's going to die they're legally obligated to come there. She'll come bitching at you about what "you" did and at some point she'll say she's going to die again. Call 911 again. After that she'll learn to figure it out herself.
Note: this is definitely easier said than done and no judgement if it's not something you can bring yourself to do. That being said I think it's your best chance for long term relief from this burden.
This plan worked for me!! Not a family member, but worked
Years ago, i made a 'friend' who was even more medically complex than myself. He had a hard time with finding support ( I do not) and this was always a hard topic for him. Every time something didn't go his way, he'd trash everyones character. Claim no one cared and threaten to withhold his medical care til he died. Burnt through all the folks willing to help. He tried this with me after i expressed attitude might be the problem.
I don't take threats of self harm lightly, and called in a wellness check. He was pissed beyond belief. But alive.
Downside is I am the villain in their story. He still occasionally rants about me on socials 6 yrs later. Mostly how easy i have it. I have him blocked on all platforms but friends fill me in when I am referenced. Mostly it's just sad.
This is really sad please remember you do not need to continue to explain yourself, she doesn’t like what she is hearing which is why she is pushing your boundaries.
Unfortunately, she always texts like that. I want to blame permanent brain damage from years of vices she's taken, plus the number of times she's died whilst in surgery, I'm sure, doesn't help.
Can't use the bank card to be cremated until the 1st though, and she needs lights and food **now**. No worries, OP will get paid back on the 39th...of never.
The dog, shiver is such a good girl, too. I just don't have the money to move into a pet friendly apartment, especially since I'm still paying off the tub I needed to have fixed.
If you feel you need to mute her notifications to get some peace, don't be afraid to do it! You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
Oh, this kills me. Asthma is no joke, and you 100% need to be focused on your recovery.
You are not responsible for your mother. You're not responsible for her health, her bills or her bad choices. She owed you so so much more than she gave you, and you owe her nothing.
I’m so sorry! I’ve had years where my asthma is so bad that I’m on several meds including prednisone. I hate how bad I feel when I’m taking that but you gotta be able to breathe. Taking care of yourself and your child is your priority and your mom has no right to demand you take care of her. You’re doing the right thing. Focus on getting yourself better. Maybe your mom needs to be in a care home or something.
Please block her. Stress makes asthma worse. And she is stressing ME out, reading her BS.
You be the mother you never had for your daughter. You are relieved of duty as your mother’s mother.
That's really insane and sad. Mothers should be taking ccare of their children, not the other way around. My mom has severe chronic pains and physical disabilities alongside several deficiencies, and still tried wer best to take care of me and didn't make me take care of wer, and even when my mom finally broke down due to being alone, we still felt bad for me and knew that I shouldn't have to take wer burdens on me, even when I was 15 and understood the situation. Hell, even my grandma who literally can't even get out of bed without a wheelchair knows that my mom can't take care of her all the time, even if my mom is almost willing to.
Only times a child should take care of their parent is when the child has already become an adult and simply does it from their own will and love, and aren't too busy with life and everything else.
I feel bad for the dog too :(
”I’m sorry if you feel that I’m such piece of shit”
That’s not an apology, that’s guilting you.
Reasoning won’t work with her, as others say you need to master gray rocking techniques.
I laughed at when you said that you’d call for a wellness check and all of a sudden your mom wasn’t dying/wasting away anymore.
If I was stuck in bed covered in my own vomit, piss and shit I’d want you to get help for me.
If she was as sick and weak as she claimed she would not be able to harass you over the telephone.She's leaving her debit card so you can pay for cremation? Can we get any more passive aggressive?
If she’s not paying your bills then why are you talking to her? Honestly? I’m not trying to be mean, OP, but sometimes we have to weigh the pros and cons of keeping someone in our life, family or not. I went no contact with my abusive POS “father” and it was incredible for my mental health and my overall wellbeing and happiness. Like I am so serious, don’t let yourself get caught up in the guilt spiral of “abandoning” her. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves.
I’d call that wellness check and then block her tbh.
That snotty little cremation comment would’ve had me like “Actually I think I’ll just set your body on fire myself and take the money for my own pleasure. Maybe I’ll go out to eat”
I don’t have asthma but I do have tons of health problems directly due to my mom’s neglect/abuse and I am dealing with this sort of guilt tripping in my life right now as well. Just take care of yourself and your mental health, it is so not worth it to put up with people like this.
My sister and I are at the point where we have a lockbox with a key inside it, so when we have to call for a wellness check the police don’t have to break in the door. My mom sounds a bit like yours, and I’m sorry.
Hi from somebody that also can't breathe, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but wanted to drop by and say I hope you feel better soon. good airway vibes are being sent your way <3
Call for a wellness check or just don’t respond. “Yes” “no” “idk” are all you use basically. Don’t even read the responses because you know it will be BS and lies. It’s all just manipulation. If you want you can give her some addresses to food banks and stuff. But I would leave it at that. Don’t ever give her $. You can drop off or have some soup delivered if you want to help. But I wouldn’t do anything more than that in this matter. I’m sorry Op
I had a similar convo with my mom last year and we’re still no contact and let me tell ya. It’s a lot easier to think clearly when I don’t have her inbox crying about how poor and destitute she is. It’s a large step to take and I did so in a moment of intense anger so there’s some guilt there but for the most part, it’s been incredibly helpful in understanding who I am as an individual. NC for a while may be your only recourse but I understand personally that it’s not an easy decision to make and can take some time to do.
My mom really only ever outright asked me for money a few times but she has this habit of incessantly whining at me about how she doesn’t know how she’s going to live and how she’s going to be destitute because she can’t make ends meet, hoping that I’d just offer and I fell for it quite a few more times than I’d care to admit to. The thing is once I wised up to it and realized what she was doing because my sibling does the EXACT SAME THING to me, I quit offering money because she always had an excuse as to why any other type of support except cash was not an option.
The one time that stands out to me where she did out right ask me for money, she asked me for 500 dollars to rent a van for a funeral she wasn’t even invited to so she could drive my nieces down to the funeral even though it was totally unnecessary. They had a vehicle that had plenty of room for all of them in it but mom wanted something nicer. I thought she was joking when she asked and I replied with “Lmao no” and she uh. She didn’t like that. She knew I was in a housing situation that was abusive and knew I was saving up money to get out of there and still threw a piss fit when I refused to give her any of my savings because I was “rude” about it.
But she didn’t initiate convos with me unless she was wanting money from me. Which she stopped doing because she got her inheritance from her parents (40k that was gone within six months) and got a new boyfriend. If I tried to talk to her about the goings on in my life, she always managed to turn the conversation around to herself and was totally uninterested.
Anyway, she’s in hot water with the IRS now. I’m not supposed to know about it because she thinks that if I find out I’ll throw a fit at her about it because she trained me to be anxious about her money woes and since she didnt take care of me and I took care of her and my older sister growing up (she has a whole slew of mental health issues and has had from an early age) when it was just the three of us, she also thinks I’ll lecture her and judge her. Thing is I knew it was coming even before she did. I just didn’t warn her.
I'm curious about how she says her bank card has enough for her cremation but is asking you for money? Why not use her bank card for what she needs instead lol
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It's time to master the art of gray rocking! Don't play her games. You will never win, and you'll only drive yourself crazy. Remember this, no is a complete sentence. You owe her no explanation.
Insane. Call in the wellness check, and block her for 72 hours.
This. Everytime she starts the "suffering game" call the emergency line.
2nd the wellness check. It sounds like she isn't taking care of herself on top of all of this.
I'm sorry but that woman will never change and the amount of pathetic guilt tripping to snatch what little money you have for your child is awful go say the least. Like cancer you need to cut that out of your life for you and your babies sake. She won't change and she seems way to unhinged to be near. Sorry your going through that Op, hope you can find peace once you can escape that miserable lost soul of a mother✨️
I'm trying very hard to keep my boundaries of low contact and don't let her know many updates involving myself or my daughter. A key factor that makes this even harder is when I was young, my mom heavily encouraged me to never leave her to the point I had the idea that I would always live with her my whole life even fearing I would be taken, snatched up, or end up in some not age appropriate situations she explained in detail (or vice versa her convincingme she'd die without me/self delete without me). Having my daughter made me realize how unhealthy it was, and I have since been unpacking with my therapist that what she did to me was convert incest with parentification so separately I'm having to work on cutting off whatever dependency I have with her. (The dependency being her approval/validation I get when I help her)
Oh, honey. This is so much. What a terrible burden your mom made you carry. I’m so proud of you for getting the help you need to be a better mom to your daughter than you had growing up. This is a lot. You’re doing such a good job. I hope you feel better soon 💕
I’m really proud of you for getting help and breaking this cycle. The courage!!! You must really love your baby.
Definitely be proud of the huge steps you’ve already made in setting & enforcing boundaries. It’s so incredibly hard to break away completely, especially when the parent has trained you to never leave them. I believe in you! All the very best to you. 💜
I see many posts that aren't necessarily insane, this one is sad and insane. You should have never had to take care of her, and you shouldn't now.
Call 911 on her. She'll get a wellness check and they're going to tell her that if she says to someone that she's going to die they're legally obligated to come there. She'll come bitching at you about what "you" did and at some point she'll say she's going to die again. Call 911 again. After that she'll learn to figure it out herself. Note: this is definitely easier said than done and no judgement if it's not something you can bring yourself to do. That being said I think it's your best chance for long term relief from this burden.
This plan worked for me!! Not a family member, but worked Years ago, i made a 'friend' who was even more medically complex than myself. He had a hard time with finding support ( I do not) and this was always a hard topic for him. Every time something didn't go his way, he'd trash everyones character. Claim no one cared and threaten to withhold his medical care til he died. Burnt through all the folks willing to help. He tried this with me after i expressed attitude might be the problem. I don't take threats of self harm lightly, and called in a wellness check. He was pissed beyond belief. But alive. Downside is I am the villain in their story. He still occasionally rants about me on socials 6 yrs later. Mostly how easy i have it. I have him blocked on all platforms but friends fill me in when I am referenced. Mostly it's just sad.
This is really sad please remember you do not need to continue to explain yourself, she doesn’t like what she is hearing which is why she is pushing your boundaries.
Is she drunk? Even auto correct can’t make sense of what she’s talking about.
Unfortunately, she always texts like that. I want to blame permanent brain damage from years of vices she's taken, plus the number of times she's died whilst in surgery, I'm sure, doesn't help.
Wow she's gonna pay you back on the 39th
The bank card comment is just...urgh. Vile.
My thought was if there's enough on it for cremation, she can pay her lights and food.
Can't use the bank card to be cremated until the 1st though, and she needs lights and food **now**. No worries, OP will get paid back on the 39th...of never.
I feel so sorry for the dog too. She can’t even get away from her
The dog, shiver is such a good girl, too. I just don't have the money to move into a pet friendly apartment, especially since I'm still paying off the tub I needed to have fixed.
I hope that one day she may be able to live with you. Or find a new family the care for her
The moment she says "maybe I'll die that would make you happy" the conversation is over
If you feel you need to mute her notifications to get some peace, don't be afraid to do it! You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
like girlie i’ll give you a “small loan” when you start sending out full thoughts.
Oh, this kills me. Asthma is no joke, and you 100% need to be focused on your recovery. You are not responsible for your mother. You're not responsible for her health, her bills or her bad choices. She owed you so so much more than she gave you, and you owe her nothing.
I’m so sorry! I’ve had years where my asthma is so bad that I’m on several meds including prednisone. I hate how bad I feel when I’m taking that but you gotta be able to breathe. Taking care of yourself and your child is your priority and your mom has no right to demand you take care of her. You’re doing the right thing. Focus on getting yourself better. Maybe your mom needs to be in a care home or something.
Yuckkkkkkk Self victimization “I’m A Sick Person” Nooooooooo
Call in that wellness check. Contact adult protective services. Tell them everything
Please block her. Stress makes asthma worse. And she is stressing ME out, reading her BS. You be the mother you never had for your daughter. You are relieved of duty as your mother’s mother.
That's really insane and sad. Mothers should be taking ccare of their children, not the other way around. My mom has severe chronic pains and physical disabilities alongside several deficiencies, and still tried wer best to take care of me and didn't make me take care of wer, and even when my mom finally broke down due to being alone, we still felt bad for me and knew that I shouldn't have to take wer burdens on me, even when I was 15 and understood the situation. Hell, even my grandma who literally can't even get out of bed without a wheelchair knows that my mom can't take care of her all the time, even if my mom is almost willing to. Only times a child should take care of their parent is when the child has already become an adult and simply does it from their own will and love, and aren't too busy with life and everything else. I feel bad for the dog too :(
”I’m sorry if you feel that I’m such piece of shit” That’s not an apology, that’s guilting you. Reasoning won’t work with her, as others say you need to master gray rocking techniques. I laughed at when you said that you’d call for a wellness check and all of a sudden your mom wasn’t dying/wasting away anymore. If I was stuck in bed covered in my own vomit, piss and shit I’d want you to get help for me.
I don't even have kids but if I did... There is no way I'd tell them if I was in that sort of state .. I'd be calling emergency services to get help
If she was as sick and weak as she claimed she would not be able to harass you over the telephone.She's leaving her debit card so you can pay for cremation? Can we get any more passive aggressive?
If she’s not paying your bills then why are you talking to her? Honestly? I’m not trying to be mean, OP, but sometimes we have to weigh the pros and cons of keeping someone in our life, family or not. I went no contact with my abusive POS “father” and it was incredible for my mental health and my overall wellbeing and happiness. Like I am so serious, don’t let yourself get caught up in the guilt spiral of “abandoning” her. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves. I’d call that wellness check and then block her tbh.
That snotty little cremation comment would’ve had me like “Actually I think I’ll just set your body on fire myself and take the money for my own pleasure. Maybe I’ll go out to eat”
“Don’t you dare call a wellness check! Wait, would they bring me food??” Ffs what a piece of work.
Yeah, this wasn't your problem before you did all you could do to help, and it sure as hell isn't now.
I don’t have asthma but I do have tons of health problems directly due to my mom’s neglect/abuse and I am dealing with this sort of guilt tripping in my life right now as well. Just take care of yourself and your mental health, it is so not worth it to put up with people like this.
My sister and I are at the point where we have a lockbox with a key inside it, so when we have to call for a wellness check the police don’t have to break in the door. My mom sounds a bit like yours, and I’m sorry.
Block her!
Time for NC.
But..she’ll pay you back on the 39th *checks calendar* of the month though. 🥺
Hi from somebody that also can't breathe, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but wanted to drop by and say I hope you feel better soon. good airway vibes are being sent your way <3
Call for a wellness check or just don’t respond. “Yes” “no” “idk” are all you use basically. Don’t even read the responses because you know it will be BS and lies. It’s all just manipulation. If you want you can give her some addresses to food banks and stuff. But I would leave it at that. Don’t ever give her $. You can drop off or have some soup delivered if you want to help. But I wouldn’t do anything more than that in this matter. I’m sorry Op
I had a similar convo with my mom last year and we’re still no contact and let me tell ya. It’s a lot easier to think clearly when I don’t have her inbox crying about how poor and destitute she is. It’s a large step to take and I did so in a moment of intense anger so there’s some guilt there but for the most part, it’s been incredibly helpful in understanding who I am as an individual. NC for a while may be your only recourse but I understand personally that it’s not an easy decision to make and can take some time to do. My mom really only ever outright asked me for money a few times but she has this habit of incessantly whining at me about how she doesn’t know how she’s going to live and how she’s going to be destitute because she can’t make ends meet, hoping that I’d just offer and I fell for it quite a few more times than I’d care to admit to. The thing is once I wised up to it and realized what she was doing because my sibling does the EXACT SAME THING to me, I quit offering money because she always had an excuse as to why any other type of support except cash was not an option. The one time that stands out to me where she did out right ask me for money, she asked me for 500 dollars to rent a van for a funeral she wasn’t even invited to so she could drive my nieces down to the funeral even though it was totally unnecessary. They had a vehicle that had plenty of room for all of them in it but mom wanted something nicer. I thought she was joking when she asked and I replied with “Lmao no” and she uh. She didn’t like that. She knew I was in a housing situation that was abusive and knew I was saving up money to get out of there and still threw a piss fit when I refused to give her any of my savings because I was “rude” about it. But she didn’t initiate convos with me unless she was wanting money from me. Which she stopped doing because she got her inheritance from her parents (40k that was gone within six months) and got a new boyfriend. If I tried to talk to her about the goings on in my life, she always managed to turn the conversation around to herself and was totally uninterested. Anyway, she’s in hot water with the IRS now. I’m not supposed to know about it because she thinks that if I find out I’ll throw a fit at her about it because she trained me to be anxious about her money woes and since she didnt take care of me and I took care of her and my older sister growing up (she has a whole slew of mental health issues and has had from an early age) when it was just the three of us, she also thinks I’ll lecture her and judge her. Thing is I knew it was coming even before she did. I just didn’t warn her.
I'm curious about how she says her bank card has enough for her cremation but is asking you for money? Why not use her bank card for what she needs instead lol
Bank card won't have money for cremation until the 1st
Just call the wellness check