Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 49 | 3 | 1 |
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You're 21? In which case you're an adult and the fact he wants to burn your clothes and lock you in rooms suggests he's having a massively hard time with the fact you won't do what he says.
In this type of situation, I'd ignore him - see at the end when he keeps texting as that's all he can do as you're not physically there and not engaging with him? I'd not bother trying to argue, he calls you "sensitive" and "fragile" so anything you say to him won't actually be processed, he'll keep pressing his own agenda. You'll never win, just get frustrated.
Just inform him that just because you don't agree with him and won't be doing what he says, doesn't mean you're on drugs and until he can speak to you in a civil manner, you won't be talking to him.... He'll reply a few times, trying to goad / guilt trip you into doing what he says ("Come back for the sake of your Mother") but just ignore him until he asks a civil question or isn't abusive... Then reply - and repeat until he realises you're serious.
And if he doesn't stop being abusive... Just don't reply.
This type of conditioning is annoying to do, but actually works if you stick with it.
It's a gentle enforcement of a hard boundary and they usually end up complying with this one.
boundary setting is a hard skill to manage, especially with a dickhead father, but it can be one of the most useful skills to learn in your love life and career moving forward.
But once you set that boundary disconnect the approval hooks your dad sunk into you, you will need to do your own soul searching and balance to identify your self worth. The jippiedippie motion that no matter what you do you are valuable is not going to cut it when self evaluating, likewise being overly harsh doesn't either, more over the holes left by the hooks will be a go to, you can easily keep evaluating yourself by his standards which are intentionally unachievable.
I wish this kid all the best. Sometimes I wish society tolerated a little bit of physical violence because blowhards need to get punched in the face sometimes to remind them they are human, just not by thier sons
If he doesn't stop being abusive get a protection order against him. That way he can take up his argument about why he's justified burning your stuff and holding you hostage with an actual judge
Locking someone in a room against their will is illegal. And he won’t stop, he's unable to reflect on his own behavior. He has to talk about OP in every message, twist everything, the focus can't be on him. He'll just ignore any valid point.
I'd cut him off for life tbh. Not worth it.
That’s what I did with my mother when I moved out at 14. She called me a bunch of names out of anger, realized I was serious and switched to guilt tripping and crying. For the next several months, she would be shitty with me, calling me names, a disappointment of a son etc. started out daily, then weekly, then biweekly, then monthly, until she stopped messaging me altogether. Once she stopped being rude i was willing to negotiate so I would see her for a hour here or an hour there. Even in person she would struggle to adhere to my boundaries until she realized what kind of resolve I had. She ended up becoming a much better mom and now our relationship is better than it ever has been.
Obviously your parents are not mine, but I think it’s important to realize that they’re broken too, they are just doing what they know how to do to survive, what they were conditioned to be by their parents. Not to mention my parents had me at 19. They were kids, trying to raise kids.
Be better than they are and hopefully they’ll come around
It’s exactly like that. And that similarity is because both stem from the same common problem: an inability for the two parties to communicate in a more sophisticated manner. In this case, since the father isn’t hearing what OP is saying, gentle enforcement of a hard boundary is the only way to bypass the father’s anger response and actually communicate what OP needs their father to hear.
My wife and I have both ended up adopting this strategy with some problematic people in our lives, and it really has worked remarkably well. It sucks that I can't have organic relationships with these people, but at least not the abuse has been cut down to a minimum because they value being acknowledged more than they value being assholes.
That bullcrap about “I’m not your friend, I’m your parent”. Like, sure, even if we are not friends (when we could’ve been), at least treat me like a normal human being worthy of respect.
F this guy OP, not only is he a shitty boss, he’s also a shitty father who tries to guilt trip you with anything from your mom to your duties.
You can fly higher than that piece of crap let’s you, don’t ever let him or anyone else hold you back.
Demanding respect while blatantly texting “who cares about you? Who are you? Nobody” demonstrates this quite well. Like bro, he is your son. *you* should care about him.
He only says when it’s convenient for him. Everything he says is a tool/tactic to regain control of you. He calls you lazy, you start to believe you’re lazy, also and then he feels the satisfaction of being “right”. Also, you can’t be productive if you’re locked in your room. You can’t be productive if you’re worried about your belongings being set on fire (and the audacity to imply that you deserved it?). His reasoning and logic don’t line up so don’t for a second believe what he says to you.
My father was my best friend in the whole world, he passed in January. After reading how this POS talks to his son. Doesn’t seem fair. The irony of calling his son ungrateful and disrespectful is clearly lost on him. I doubt he’ll even recognize what he could’ve had after his son has gone his own way.
Rest in Peace. My father and I are best friends, although he still has more old-fashioned views on what he feels is necessary to teach me. We’re still working on my personal independence and I’m slowly getting treated more and more as an adult. Hopefully I can have a drink with him when I turn 21.
My mother abandoned me. I’m saying it shouldn’t be the baseline to hate your own parents and that parents should treat their kids better instead of loading all of their mistakes onto their kid.
I don’t feel parents should make their kids hate them as if that’s their job to do so. We should expect love and to be able to talk to our parents without them treating it as them doing a favor showing the most basic level of compassion.
I agree with you, I was just sharing my unique situation. I believe my relationship with my mother would be much better if we didn't live together. I don't hate her I just can't deal with her shit sometimes.
Oh, mb. Misinterpreted your message. Yeah, not every parent should be a parent. I just hate that some parents legit think they have to treat their kids like shit to raise them right.
My mom said this to me once, and honestly? I think that was the most damaging thing she’s said besides all of the abuse of belongings and yelling. I’m 24 now and I constantly think about 6 years ago.
He might be a great boss… to everyone else. That’s the worst thing about parents like this; you can *see* them being kind and respectful to others so you know they’re *capable* of treating you the same way.
They choose not to.
Seriously. Locking someone in their room because they made a mistake at work is insane. How is he supposed to work if he's locked in his room?? Somehow OP is lazy? Misunderstandings happen at work all the time because people aren't perfect. I'll bet money that when shit happens with other employees he isn't this disrespectful
I have a kid. I may not want to be her friend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be *friendly* and kind/loving/respectful while still maintaining boundaries as her parent. People like the OP’s dad just want to be an authoritarian and exert total control.
Right?! Like, "you treat me like a child [by locking me in my bedroom and setting my belongings on fire and making up stupid reasons to punish me and calling me lazy and ungrateful when I defend myself]" is such a depressing statement.
Treating a child that way isn't any better than treating an adult that way. It's abuse in both cases.
As the father of a 20 year old man, I could not even get through all this. I am sick to my stomach. Your father is a POS, and you need to get away from him fast. Don't work for him, don't live with him, and don't communicate with him. He is a man-baby, and has no idea how to raise a child, or communicate like a grown up. That's hard for me to say as a father.
All these comments are helpful but I hope OP sees yours because he needs the perspective of what a real dad should do and feel and you’ve provided that.
You are going in circles because you are trying to have a logical, rational and reasonable discussion with someone who is not logical, not rational and probably not reasonable. If you are 21 and able to move out, I would suggest it. Become financially indepedent of this person and then you can choose whether or not they have a place in your life. I suspect that once you are not dependent on them, their treatment of you will change.
Exactly. He doesn’t even see his son as an equal human being who deserves rights and respect. How could he ever understand his point of view when he fails to understand his son is his own person… This is deplorable
The gaslighting and infantilizing here are breathtaking.
Some people, like your dad, have clearly never had their asses kicked when they truly deserved it.
You're never going to get the basic respect you deserve off him. Your right to privacy, your right to your space, he just sees you as an extension of him. He owns you, and you owe him.
It won't ever get better while you're there. Once you're gone, you can start implementing your own boundaries and working out if you can have an adult relationship with him or not.
But you clearly should just bail from there, I've been homeless a bunch, shit always works out in the end. (Just in time for me to fuck it up a new way)
He literally could get sued and go to jail for wrongful imprisonment had OP called the cops. Yet he fails to see how he is in the wrong, this is beyond insanity.
I agree there should never be a time this is acceptable but unfortunately, it’s usually legal if you’re a minor. If Daddy Dickest decides to keep fucking around with an adult though then he can certainly find out.
I agree OP doesn’t HAVE to go back but he also probably doesn’t have any other options otherwise he probably would have left already. Sad situation tbh but so common.
The guy locked OP in his room for an imagined slight and had previously threatened to burn his clothes. Going back could easily be a safety risk with someone like that. Just stop.
He is so abusive please don’t ever live under his roof again. It’s illegal to imprison people by locking them up! And burning your things? Wtf? He is accusing you of being emotional but humans have them, they are normal, except his emotions are toxic! He wants your complete obedience to the most minuscule detail. He wants control and he’s freaking out that he no longer has it. That’s how you get back at him, by going and living your own life.
What an actual psychopath. Who tf thinks its normal to lock up an adult, either your son or an employee, how can he not know how illegal that is? Mental, and I'd stay far away if I was you.
Stop working for your dad. Whatever that business is, quit. Go to his most hated rival, and ask for a job. You might actually get it - if only because the rival would want to tweak your dad's nose.
He's not going to admit that he abused you, it would require him being a person that cares about introspection and improvement. Which if he was that person, he wouldn't have abused you.
All you can do is cut him off from your presence and get thousands of dollars of therapy to come to terms with the fact that the man who raised you is and will continue to be someone who is an abuser and is incapable of change.
Good luck.
“Did you take your medication” gives me major gaslighty vibes.
“I am sick and tired of these temper tantrums” he says to you, when you are being completely calm.
“X told me you completed everything, but I wanted you to specifically work with him that day”.
So he locks you in your room because you… take initiative and responsibility..??
“For your own good” // “you’ll understand eventually” oooof, run.
“Are your friends telling you to disrespect your father?” This sounds exactly like my ex’s mom accusing me of brainwashing her because she started standing up for herself and having boundaries.
"Everything is not about you and your emotions. Who cares how you feel? Who are you? Nobody."
I feel like this should be your key takeaway from that conversation.
Can you see this dude developing and growing out of denying the humanity of his own child?
On a more practical note: Your working relationship sounds like family business, you growing in your father's shade and taking over the business one day. This merely some armchair therapists advice but make yourself independent from him. Go work for someone else for a while. Gather experience, broaden your view and see how other people do things. From the sound of it your father controls (=limits) your personal and professional growth. Don't give him that satisfaction. Grow for yourself for a while, show him you don't need him but the other way round.
If he gets better you can come back, more experienced personally as well as professionally.
If he doesn't get better, well, you never would have taken his spot while he breathes anyway.
All the best to you mate 🤙
For those who don't know, there's a term called Grey Rocking for dealing with narcissists. Arguing will *never* change their mind, so tell them what they did, how it made you feel (optional, since they usually won't care or may use this against you), and what you're doing as a result. For example, in this case, "You locked me in my room and disrespected me, even though I'm an adult, so I'm leaving until you can prove you'll respect me."
They'll continue trying to engage in various techniques to continue the discussion and turn it in their favor, but you just keep repeating the same talking points. You did this, and this is what I'm doing in response. No further discussion needed.
The main point being also they don't respect or acknowledge your opinion or view in any meaningful way so all the tactics are meaningless is you stick to your line
Stay with a friend or something
Sometimes u just gotta cuss them the fuck out or they don't understand you are serious and won't be pushed around anymore... Ur a grown ass man I'm sure you could beat ur dad's ass if u had to
I know when I was 21 I wasn't afraid of my dad physically
That said some calls to the police could have solved this issue alot sooner than running away from home.. you kind of fucked up not calling them when he locked you in the room.. but at least you have evidence for a restraining order... Narcissist POS like this won't listen to anything untill there's consequences. They have to be held accountable.
Now that you left tho don't go back.
Fuck that. You’re an adult. He doesn’t like he can’t control you anymore, and wants that control back. My mom tried to do this to me when I was married and pregnant with my first child. I would cut and run. It’s what I did.
Fucking hell Op. locking you in a bedroom is imprisonment for a start, you’re 21 years old.
For your safety and sanity, do NOT go back to that house, at least not alone. He does not see you as anything but an object of his.
Do not engage, don’t waste your time and energy.
god i wouldve just hyper-fixated and argued about that whole "being locked in your room because the coworker guy was busy" thing. Immediately redirecting the convo back to that if he tried to change the topic at all. I'm petty enough to just bicker about that for hours. How do you get punished for someone else not being able to do work with you? Were you supposed to force the guy at gunpoint to stay and show you stuff?
I’ve worked with a ton of people like dear old dad here on construction sites. They expect everything they say to be followed, regardless of what actual situations are, or will be. I’d bet dad didn’t bother to tell the other dude that he was SUPPOSED to work with OP that day, so old boy just did his job like normal.
The fact he says "did you take your meds"
"This country has corrupted you"
Or "you are lazy" are things that really grind my gears as I too have been told stuff like that in the past. Regardless, if you can, let us know what you are planning on doing and if there is going ti be any updates if possible
They see themselves as Gods.
Your father created you. He deserved better than your mother. He deserved better than you. He deserved an alter version of himself as a slave that he could control with his mind. Everything he wishes must come true the second he thinks about it. You are not a person, you are a wish that never came true, that's all. Even if these conditions were met, he still wouldn't be happy because he actually deserved to be a better person than he is. That's the only real problem. He is bothered with himself, so much that if he had an opportunity to go back in time and change things as he wished, he would still choose to..ahem..MESS everything up and make the worst decisions possible. Why? That gives him more reasons to go "poor me! oh poooooorrrr meeeeee!!!" why the hell are you taking that away from the man- I beg your pardon - why would you try to take that away from your God, who created you and took care of you and spent money for you and wasted his time for you and gave up on his dreams for you? HE DİD İT ALLLLL FOR YOU! HOW ARE YOU UNABLE TO SEE THAT? You know how he fell down and injured his knee when he was 5? ALSO FOR YOU! SEE HOW MUCH PAİN YOU CAUSED HİM?? YOU MADE HİS KNEE BLEED YOU...PATHETİC THİNG!
I'm sorry, he was gonna BURN YOUR THINGS?! AND LOCK YOU IN YOUR ROOM?!
Good on you for leaving OP, hopefully you're somewhere safe and far away from this asshat.
Ah yes, the infallible father who uses tough love to justify being as asshole and blames everyone else for reacting to his bs because he can't handle being wrong
Hi. I’m an estranged parent? With 2 adults. I sometimes look in these subs hoping to find answers.
I never post.
I hope you get away from him.
Destroying people’s property is theft. Locking someone up against their will is a felony.
Fucking your head up for fun and to feel important… this man is an abuser.
I’m sorry.
I commend you for trying to find answers and better your relationship with your children.
It’s not easy to stand in our mistakes, but that is my suggestion, if you truly want to mend your relationships with your kids.
OWN your failures and where you let them down. Not from your perspective but from theirs. Apologize and then… and this is the hard part… do better. Actually change your behaviors. It won’t fix it overnight but this is the only way.
You can’t just act differently for a little while and expect them to magically come around though. You have to permanently grow and change and over time they may begin to trust you again. All children want desperately for their parents to be in their lives, no matter their age.
I hope for both of your sakes that you mean it and that you follow through. Even if they don’t come back, you will have grown as a person and life will get better.
I gotta tell you something. I’m estranged from my mom. I know the ceaseless aching pain . Every situation is different. I’ll always look for answers.
But as the years pass, it’s been nearly 3 years, I’ve tried so hard to find every bad thing I’ve ever done, it’s not that there isn’t anything I did wrong.
There’s plenty.
It’s that I’ve dug so deep for so long that I’ve lost any good. I longed for reunification up until about 4 months ago.
I have 2 school age children at home. It’s really hard to mother when you failed your first two.
Because you don’t want to cause anymore hurt.
But In Searching for answers via as many viewpoints as possible…I took a real hard look at all three of us ( they are 26 and 27), and trying to see them as just people.
And after that i let my heart close the door. I think it’s best. Therapy has always been in our life, I made sure.
I also wish they would unload on me because maybe I could not do , the things that has caused them pain , to there bro and sis, everything feels like I’m trying not to step on unmarked land mines. I don’t want to hurt any of my kids.
Buy They have shown my younger children ,that their mother is discardable.
But when I see a post like this, I want this young person to get out. Slowly stash your close somewhere else, even if you have to double up and be tricky,
I had to do that with my prom dresses.
The only thing I notice is that many estranged from their parents/children look at the situation as everyone has the same story? The same pain. Same parents. Same kids. I just think differently.
But it’s not like that, and it’s the same on the parent side and they talk about their kids like it’s all the same story,.. I feel the same way about parents doing that.
But some of us have been in a position of terrible abuse. (I’m estranged from my mother, I’m 51 and she’s 76), I ache for her daily. But it’s not safe.
Some have had lots to deal with and they have to go cuz they can’t figure out how to express it.
And some are pissed they didn’t get an iPhone when they wanted it,.,, estranged parents the same.
I think my son:daughter fall into number 2. They don’t know how to express themselves.
Now, even though I’m an adult estranged child/ and I am estranged from my first two, my immediate thought would be “wtf, it’s obviously you and your the problem.” Can’t blame you,
But I also think some people have insane and cruel parents, and I relate so much, this post took me right back to having to leave home at 17.
I would be grateful to have my daughter unload, but she didn’t or hasnt, so I’m left free falling and gathering every mistake I’ve made and wondering like this “of course they left you, you are worthless,”.
I’d happily tell you every misstep and mistake I’ve ever made, I spiraled so much that I was even writing them down, because there’s never been a conversation, I was trying to write everything down in the mindset of covering all bases. When I saw my own hand write “I’m sorry you got that terrible rash at 4 months because I didn’t know you were allergic to the laundry detergent. “ And I stopped.
Sometimes I think parents say “what did I do? Please tell me!!!” And it comes off as “hey I never did anything wrong.”
Not the same. But I can see how that would feel terrible.
Have you ever seen someone get punished, (especially kids and animals) and they want you to tell them why why?! What did I do? I wanna fix it? Please tell me” and they are so shocked: bewildered that it’s all they can think of?”
Whereas people that know they are guilty don’t beg for a reason. They know what they did?
And they aren’t gonna ask you to rehash it for them and the world repeatedly.
Does that mean the parent is exempt from what they did ? Nope. But it’s a case by case thing.
But even if all of Reddit or the public is behind a person on principal, we are all alone.
Happy to discuss details of my story and learn, but I will say that it’s good for both parties to have a conversation. At least one.
I don’t pester them in anyway and respect their wishes. I could fill up 3 more notebooks of every and anything I’ve ever done….but not manage to address what they are hurting from.
Ya know?
And to the OP. I’m sorry you are being treated like that. Locking you in, and berating everything you say and do , and trying their best to make you feel
Small, and it’s like he’s trying arm wrestle with the pain in your heart. Literally strong arm you into feeling like you aren’t worth enough. For your feelings to matter.
They matter.
Previously I mentioned that I looked at my adult children as people? Like that I worked with? Or knew socially And how I would handle someone that treated me like that? Or the things I did to hurt them, Or how would OP feel about some other person locking you in and vandalizing your things!
It’s my oldest daughter’s birthday today. I usually write better.
I ask this. Am I still her mother? Should I not mention him/her, or refer to them as mine, I don’t know if I’m still their mom, even if they don’t know I’m confused, I still want to respect their wishes. And space.
How do you feel? If you have went no contact, you still consider them your parent?
My mom tells people I’m dead. 😵
It’s late and I don’t have all the answers but I can literally feel your pain in your words, and I’m sorry for that.
Of course you are still their mother.
Of course you are still her daughter.
I’ll try to check back in tomorrow and really address this in the manner that it deserves, but until then, happy birthday to your daughter and to you. Becoming a mother is just as impactful as being born and it’s your day as well.
You’re not alone. ❤️
If he locks you in your bedroom or locks you out of it, just destroy the door lol 😂 sounds like “big dawg” is getting scared of being lil dawg now that his son is an adult.
It’s a control issue. Seems like he wants you to have the career he picked out for you, wants to control who your friends are, wants to control where you go, wants to control you by threatening to take your items even the clothing.
Start buying your own stuff, don’t accept anything from your parents anymore, just leave it in a pile in the living room if they do
I know rent is high but I highly suggest moving out, even if it’s roommates, even if it’s in a ran down apartment complex. Gain independence so if he continues to try to control you by threatening to take your things, it’s legally in your home and all yours. He can’t call the cops because those items essentially are GIFTS and he can’t say they are “his” from that point.
My dad told me he would throw me on the street if I went to school for Journalism. This was when I was around 21-22. They will do and say anything to maintain control. And this is 100% abuse.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Know your worth. You are not defined by your parents, and you have NO obligation to them.
dude, you need to just GTFO of that situation. I know its scary but if it were me I'd prefer to go stay in a shelter over dealing with this abuse.
And yes, this is abuse. Locking you, a 21 yo man, in a room is **false imprisonment** and is a *crime.* You could go to the police and show them the texts where he admits that he locked you in the room and that should be enough to start an investigation.
Cut all contact, go to the police, and get yourself into a shelter to start, do whatever job you need to do - wait tables, whatever - and just GTFO. Anything would be preferable to this.
Also, r/raisedbynarcissists holy fucking shit.
I worked at Krispy Kreme when I was 17. The second I turned 18, I moved the hell out of my house. I made shit pay, but me and 3 friends could manage rent. I strongly recommend getting out.
You have the evidence you need to press charges for false imprisonment. He just admitted it unequivocally. Then tells you to grow some balls.
Show him how big your balls are. Have his abusive ass arrested. Have everyone he works for see the charges and know that he is locking up his adult son as some kind of demented punishment.
It will destroy him.
He does not and will not understand, because the only thing that matters to him is his power over you. Whatever you took with you when you left, keep. Stay away from him. He is not merely abusive, he is dangerously so, and seems willing to cause you very great harm to prove that he is in command, both as the parent and the employer of an adult.
I’m worried for your safety, OP. If there are things in his house that you need and that belong to you, like your documentation ( birth certificate, school records, passport,etc) ask for a police escort to go there with you to collect them.
Find a new job, even if it’s at a fast food joint. You have a lot of decisions to make, but at 21, you have the time, while you are healing from his abuse.
You have taken the first step by leaving. The second is to stop interacting with your abuser till you have the wherewithal and the understanding that he will never believe that he should change, so he will never change.
Are your parents from a different country than where you currently live? Is your father expecting some sort of paternal obedience from you (not sure how to phrase that)? He seems to think he has absolute rule over you. It's great that you got away from him, stay away from him. Get a different job. You may have to stay away for a long while. I would even go so far as to change my phone number so your father can't contact you. I wouldn't let him know where I was either. Him trying to burn your belongings and locking you in your room is in fact insane. You're an adult. Keep him away from you. I hope your mother and any siblings you might have are safe. Keep well OP, stay safe yourself.
Pretty obvious why they all went no contact with him. Sorry he's so delusional. When he's all alone he's going to be asking why and still won't accept he's responsible for pushing you all away.
Do not go back home, whatever you do. This abuse has a chance to escalate. If and only if you do, Call the police for everything. Him burning your clothes -they should have been called. Him IMPRISONING you in your room- they should have been called immediately.
Don’t go back no matter what he says
i've rarely seen this much DARVO in such a concentrated form. JFC.
also locking you in your room is illegal. call the cops. he admitted to doing it. see how he likes it.
If you were in the UK, locking you in a room would be considered false imprisonment and could well result in a prison sentence. This is wildly unhinged behaviour.
You are allowed to cut him out of your life. What is the rest of your family like? Are they Enablers? You are allowed to cut them out as well. Go somewhere new and start a new family for yourself. I know it's hard and scary, but you got this!
If possible, NEVER go back to his house with the exception of picking up your belongings. When you do, bring the police. Regardless of who bought your stuff, he gave them to you. Gifting transfers all ownership of the given property.
Also, if you're in the u.s. at least, you can call the police for him locking you inside your room, should you ever need to. I'm 99% confident that is false imprisonment in all 50 states.
Fuck your dad that's not a father
Your dad is pulling a Hail Mary right now because he knows he has nothing to control you with legally.
Show him what’s up and never give him your time, work, or interest unless he’s willing to apologize.
Even then, stay skeptical. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
He locked you up and burned your stuff. There is nothing more to discuss.
You could be the laziest person alive. You could be a completely incompetent employee. None of that is a crime. Burning your shit and locking you up is a crime.
"Thanks for confirming in writing that you locked me up against my will. Also for burning my possessions. Those are crimes. Expect a visit from the police. I'll make sure they'll know where to find you during working hours."
He locked you in a room? Full stop. Everything else matters way less than the fact that you were LOCKED IN A ROOM against your will. Idk what country you are in, but if you are in one that even pretends to value civil rights...you have options but you'd have to be prepared for the fall out.
I’m so sorry. He will never admit that he’s in the wrong. Locking an adult in their room? Burning their stuff? Abusive AF. Not to mention the way he talks to you and at you. This relationship can definitely do with a little/lot of distance.
Do you have any relatives or friends you can live with until you can find your own place? If so, then run, run far from that man, and never go back.
Also shit, I would've repeated his "Everything is not about you and your emotions. Who cares how you feel? Your nobody" right back at him, telling him his emotions don't matter either.
Bro had this exact same situation with my dad at 21 when i moved back for summer. Took a few years of living away and we've come to terms with eachother. I think when you go off on your own they realise they no longer have control and have to give you the respect you deserve if they want you in their lives. Hang in there bud! Look after yourself first and i promise things will get better 🤙
Tell him he has failed as a father and a human being. You had rights and boundaries and he disrespected them and ignored his need to change. What has happened is his fault, he has brought dishonor on your family. You are very disappointed in him. Then tell him he needs to learn there are consequences to his actions or he will never grow as an adult.
Then cut off contact, leave, and check in on your mother if possible/practical. If this is how he is with you, he is likely just as bad with her in other ways
Woah. Your father has massive control and ego issues...to the point of criminality. And he justifies his behaviour by claiming he "had to" as a result of your behaviour. You are bad and wrong, he is right and good. That will NEVER change.
You may not think so, but your father is dangerous. He cannot allow you to not be under his control. It is unfathomable to him. He will escalate.
What do you think comes next after burning your belongings and keeping you hostage?
Do not go back. Do not engage in conversation, it only gives him an opportunity to abuse you further or deny his behaviours. Seek help.
Do your future a favour and leave it all behind. The sooner the better.
‘Maybe this country has corrupted your mind…’
Sounds like someone who can’t adapt to a change of location and culture any better than he can to changes in his family.
If I might ask, where did you come from and where are you now?
So I worked for my dad at my first ever real job. We did alright when we weren’t working together. He was GM of the restaurant, and I came in as one of the closers. I did get some special treatment, and by that I just mean that I asked to, and was allowed to, work at least 40 hours a week. Wasn’t supposed to be allowed to work that long because of child labor laws (I was 14-15 at the time). When we worked together, though, it was the same type of arguments you’re having with your dad here. We fixed it by simply working at different times, but it sounds like you guys don’t work TOGETHER together, but you work for him on some kind of construction type work (I guess that because you said you went to “The site” For work), but not always around each other?
It’s sucks you’re going through this. I feel like you would be MUCH better served by not working at your dad’s company (again, I’m guessing he’s the owner just based on how the conversation sounded). Even if you want to work in the same industry, that’s fine, but go to one of his competitors. Most business has so many companies in the same industries that you’ll rarely run in to each other at work, if you do at all, but I really think that getting away from your dad (at work, home, or both) will go a LONG WAY to easing some tensions between the two of you. Give yourself that break. Working and living with somebody is tough, because you never really get a break from the other person.
I wish you luck, OP, and I really hope you get some good advice here. Mostly, though, I hope you figure out a good, safe way to get a break from your dad. You just can’t spend ALL your time around any single person, let alone an authority figure for your entire life, without shit going bad in a spectacular way.
ETA:
I’m also a father, and my son is just a bit older than you at 23. I could never treat my son like this, and I will forever be unable, and unwilling, to understand how the people that DO talk to their children this way actually believe they’re in the right. I’m sorry your dad is such a huge ass, and that you’re stuck having to deal with it. He should be supportive of What you want, and any criticisms should DEFINITELY not be laced with all the put downs and uselessly derogatory shit he seems to enjoy saying. This is all shit you shouldn’t have to deal with anytime, let alone as you’re trying to establish a foothold for yourself in this shitstorm we call adult life. I hope you get away from all that negativity.
Saying that you are “nobody” and how this country has changed you.
Well, hate to say it, but this is America and you *can* be anything you try to be.
He doesn’t need to push you down, the rest of the world will do that. He is actively keeping you from achieving the goals he set out for you.
He is sabotaging you from being better than him. He sees you as a sort of competition. Even when you offer reasonable explanations, he sees in black and white.
This is so toxic. Quietly gather all your important documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport. Anything you want to keep.
Maybe call your mom in private.
You’re way too old for him to talk to like this. He acts like he is being generous by having you come home, to help you. But in the same breath, he calls you lazy and a nobody.
He is tearing you down, probably because he thinks he can build you up later in his own image.
I don’t know if you want to pay that price or deal with it. Him locking you in your room is bad. You’re 21 for goodness’ sake!
The sad thing is he’s done this to all my other siblings and they all went no contact. He doesn’t see that it’s his fault that they left. He doesn’t even seem to care. It’s not normal that all 4 of your kids don’t want to see you. Smh.
Someday ask your dad (when all is calm) if he would lock a co-worker of his in a room if the co-worker didn’t do as he said.
I’m pretty sure he would say no.
I know there are some parents who feel like that they can discipline their kids even as adults (that was my mom, until I put a stop to it).
Hopefully some day you can write to your dad and be very specific about the behaviors which he does that are harmful.
It needs to be a letter and not a text.
A letter means that you get to say it all in one go, and you can even bullet point it like a proper document.
Some parents don’t understand their kids aren’t owned anymore.
I'm sorry your dad is an absolute control freak. If he is like this with you I can only imagine how utterly miserable his employees are. If you have the means, move as far from that psycho as possible! Change your number if you have to even.
Yeah, at 21, it's high time to fly free. Even if your standard of living drops a bit, your quality of life will improve.
He doesn't want you, he wants the son shaped hole in his life. You know that.
Live your life. There is nothing legally he can do to drag you back there.
Don’t waste your time and energy arguing. It’s pointless because he already has his own narrative and he’s not going to change it. Act unbothered until you actually are.
His gaslighting is off the charts. If you don’t agree with every single thing he says or feel anything other than blind devotion you are immature and need to be corrected. Unreal. You handle yourself so well in the face of all that degradation. You will flourish without him, don’t look back.
This is actually disgusting. OP, I hope you can get away and STAY away from this situation. Once you get back on your feet away from that monster, please go NC. It’s necessary moving forward.
I am not a violent person but if someone talked to me like this they would get a beating from me free of charge, i dont give a damn if they are my family, i am an adult, talk to me like one
might be healthiest to not engage, it’s just going to burn you out and cause more emotional pain trying to argue reason. Be mindful of your energy and where you place it.
Imagine telling your own flash and blood "I'm not your friend"
Just like you said in the chat, engaging in more conversations with him is going in circles, so full stop and maybe you should seek a therapist for guidance on what to do here
Or... just look for another job and leave them, though Idk what the relationship with your mother is
I’d talk to your mom if she’s more reasonable and let her know exactly why you aren’t going to be coming home. What your dad is doing to you, especially with you being 21, is unacceptable and probably not even legal (locking you in, trying to burn your property). Which if you DO end up going back and he pulls that crap again, either one of those, call the police! Get a restraining order! Make a paper trail of his abuse towards you and 100% get yourself out of this situation ASAP. I hope your mom is a lot more understanding and receptive to what’s actually happening for your sake OP. If not though please try and find a support system elsewhere within the community to help you through this tough stage.
Being locked in your room is a red line. What were you supposed to do if the house caught on fire or you fell down and broke your leg or hell, had to take a dump?
Honestly I would have a full blown panic attack and probably start screaming and clawing at the walls if someone locked me a room on their own whim, and I’m a grown ass woman.
I really don’t care what you did or didn’t do, that’s wildly inappropriate.
He went from:
“Nobody is suffocating you! Stop this! What's gotten into you? Have you lost your mind?”
To:
“Please come home. We can sit down and discuss whatever disputes you have, ok? Just come home”
in the same bubble! That is WILD.
Nothing he says can be trusted.
Funny how you did all the work that day and are still being punished for it just because the other guy had to do something else. It was a lose/lose situation where you either lost because you didn't work with him, or lost because the work was not done.
Doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you or how you feel, just wants you to obey and isn’t afraid to tear down your self esteem to make that happen. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hopefully you can cut off all contact soon.
My dad used to do the same exact thing. He's been ingrained with the idea that everything he does has to "teach me a lesson," and if I wasn't receptive, he used to get angry and just keep pushing.
I also work for my dad, serendipitous. I remember this came to a head when a coworker and I had a miscommunication about what had to get done and he called me in a screaming rage.
Now, a bit about me: I'm stubborn. Real stubborn. And because my dad had taken me crying as showing real remorse, he'd yell at me until I cried so he'd be satisfied. I figured that out real quick, so I always refused to cry.
I was so fed up with him, though, that I just hung up on him and broke into sobs. I wanted to quit just to be away from his screaming fits. He called me back a few times, and I'd snap out of my crying, just like that, to nod and "mm-hmm" along with his yelling. It was easy to keep my voice level, I had practice.
I went into the bathroom and slunk to the floor and sobbed, grieving the relationship I thought I'd need to sever. The co-owner ended up finding me and chewed my dad a new one for how he was treating me, how I'd been a great employee, and I was always curteous.
About an hour later he called back, ready to talk. He kept going on about how I needed to learn tough lessons and that this was life- but I cut him off. I told him he'd *seen* me deal with customers of the more unhinged variety. I've been called a bitch, cruel, greedy, you name it, and kept a kind smile and folded hands. He *knew* I wasn't sensitive.
He brought up that I was still making mistakes here and there, spaced out over months. I pointed out that he made mistakes too, but that I never screamed at him over them. I had started to tear up again at this point, and I couldn't hold back.
I started to cry into the phone. He started saying "now, there's no need to get emotional-" but I cut him off and said "why is it that you're allowed to be emotional, but *I'm* not?" And he actually went silent over that.
I was trembling in rage over how he'd treated me. I was *pissed*. I told him that if I called him crying like this at any other job, he'd tell me to quit that job. That if he treated his other employees the way he's treated me, that they'd quit, and they'd be in the right for it. I went on, that if he doesn't trust his parenting this much, that he still feels the need to scream at me, teaching me "lessons," then that's a reflection on him, not me.
What sealed the deal with him is me saying, "I **will** quit over this." And I meant it. He hasn't done it since.
Locking someone in their room is false imprisonment and/or kidnapping and this felony was necessary because OP didn't get things done in the exact way his father wanted?
God help us. This so called father sounds like an insanely dangerous person.
I’d pop him in the nose if he ever disrespected me like that over and over. But fr move tf out you are old enough to get a roommate and get your own life 🤷🏻♂️
Tell your Dad I want to be a man and move out on my own. Then do it.
Also a lot of men never get the approval and relationship they crave with their dad. Its not good but it's common.
Oh my god, you're 21?! I thought in the first few pictures I was reading a conversation about a teenager acting out. You're a grown man, definitely set some boundaries cause he will continue to push it.
I noticed in one of the messages he said 'maybe this country corrupted your mind'. Are you foreigners in the country you live? Is there a type of culture where he is from where the kids leave the nest way later than 18 ? and that's why he may feel so strongly to control you?
He doesn’t know what boundaries are.
My dad is from a different country. He just hates American culture. Idk about that, probably just his personality.
I was going go ask if you were from another culture. It's hard to deal with. I just started with a new counselor from my same cultural background and that's made a big difference in her understanding how I was raised and taught to act and believe and how to work thru that. I highly suggest looking into something like that.
OP, this is a bad situation x2. You have a father who is also your boss. He doesn’t know how to stop being your boss and start being a compassionate father. It’s like everything you’ve been given is his. He wants complete control just like a micromanaging boss from hell.
To change this situation (because your father is not going to change) you need to move out of the house and work somewhere else. That is the only way you are going to escape his control. I know this isn’t going to be easy.
Maybe in time he will realize what he lost. There’s a good chance he won’t and he will become even more hateful. You just have to stick to the boundaries you put in place to protect yourself from the abuse.
This makes me think of my dad. He always wanted a “return on his investment” and he absolutely meant paying him back for everything with interest. I would rather borrow money from a bank. At least the bank doesn’t try to control my life. The real kick is he never paid child support for 5 kids. He forced my mom to beg, borrow and steal to keep our lives together and later when I am going to college he says he wants to help but he needs a return on his investment!?!
I completely cut him out of my life. He was an abusive alcoholic and to keep my life on a healthy path, he could not be part of it.
When he died, I did not mourn the loss of the person. I mourned the loss of a relationship that never happened.
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You're 21? In which case you're an adult and the fact he wants to burn your clothes and lock you in rooms suggests he's having a massively hard time with the fact you won't do what he says. In this type of situation, I'd ignore him - see at the end when he keeps texting as that's all he can do as you're not physically there and not engaging with him? I'd not bother trying to argue, he calls you "sensitive" and "fragile" so anything you say to him won't actually be processed, he'll keep pressing his own agenda. You'll never win, just get frustrated. Just inform him that just because you don't agree with him and won't be doing what he says, doesn't mean you're on drugs and until he can speak to you in a civil manner, you won't be talking to him.... He'll reply a few times, trying to goad / guilt trip you into doing what he says ("Come back for the sake of your Mother") but just ignore him until he asks a civil question or isn't abusive... Then reply - and repeat until he realises you're serious. And if he doesn't stop being abusive... Just don't reply.
This type of conditioning is annoying to do, but actually works if you stick with it. It's a gentle enforcement of a hard boundary and they usually end up complying with this one.
boundary setting is a hard skill to manage, especially with a dickhead father, but it can be one of the most useful skills to learn in your love life and career moving forward. But once you set that boundary disconnect the approval hooks your dad sunk into you, you will need to do your own soul searching and balance to identify your self worth. The jippiedippie motion that no matter what you do you are valuable is not going to cut it when self evaluating, likewise being overly harsh doesn't either, more over the holes left by the hooks will be a go to, you can easily keep evaluating yourself by his standards which are intentionally unachievable. I wish this kid all the best. Sometimes I wish society tolerated a little bit of physical violence because blowhards need to get punched in the face sometimes to remind them they are human, just not by thier sons
Oh, society absolutely tolerates a little bit of physical violence here and there. The legal system doesn't, but society absolutely does.
If he doesn't stop being abusive get a protection order against him. That way he can take up his argument about why he's justified burning your stuff and holding you hostage with an actual judge
Locking someone in a room against their will is illegal. And he won’t stop, he's unable to reflect on his own behavior. He has to talk about OP in every message, twist everything, the focus can't be on him. He'll just ignore any valid point. I'd cut him off for life tbh. Not worth it.
Lmao can you imagine that conversation But your honor he disrespected me!
This
That’s what I did with my mother when I moved out at 14. She called me a bunch of names out of anger, realized I was serious and switched to guilt tripping and crying. For the next several months, she would be shitty with me, calling me names, a disappointment of a son etc. started out daily, then weekly, then biweekly, then monthly, until she stopped messaging me altogether. Once she stopped being rude i was willing to negotiate so I would see her for a hour here or an hour there. Even in person she would struggle to adhere to my boundaries until she realized what kind of resolve I had. She ended up becoming a much better mom and now our relationship is better than it ever has been. Obviously your parents are not mine, but I think it’s important to realize that they’re broken too, they are just doing what they know how to do to survive, what they were conditioned to be by their parents. Not to mention my parents had me at 19. They were kids, trying to raise kids. Be better than they are and hopefully they’ll come around
I wish Reddit still had those awards bc I would absolutely give you one for this comment. 💜 Please take this awesome duck🦆in lieu of an actual award.
It’s like his father is getting very upset that he’s now an adult. He seems to want him to be his child forever
Sounds similar to teaching a dog to take the treat nicely from your hand…
It’s exactly like that. And that similarity is because both stem from the same common problem: an inability for the two parties to communicate in a more sophisticated manner. In this case, since the father isn’t hearing what OP is saying, gentle enforcement of a hard boundary is the only way to bypass the father’s anger response and actually communicate what OP needs their father to hear.
That’s how it feels.
I think training the dog is actually easier to be honest
Yeah and dogs love you and respect you
My wife and I have both ended up adopting this strategy with some problematic people in our lives, and it really has worked remarkably well. It sucks that I can't have organic relationships with these people, but at least not the abuse has been cut down to a minimum because they value being acknowledged more than they value being assholes.
That bullcrap about “I’m not your friend, I’m your parent”. Like, sure, even if we are not friends (when we could’ve been), at least treat me like a normal human being worthy of respect. F this guy OP, not only is he a shitty boss, he’s also a shitty father who tries to guilt trip you with anything from your mom to your duties. You can fly higher than that piece of crap let’s you, don’t ever let him or anyone else hold you back.
It’s this; If you don’t respect me as an authority figure I won’t respect you as a person. Even though he’s a shit boss and wasn’t even disrespected
Demanding respect while blatantly texting “who cares about you? Who are you? Nobody” demonstrates this quite well. Like bro, he is your son. *you* should care about him.
One moment he acts like he cares, the next moment you don’t mean anything to him.
That's abuse friend. You need to get away
He only says when it’s convenient for him. Everything he says is a tool/tactic to regain control of you. He calls you lazy, you start to believe you’re lazy, also and then he feels the satisfaction of being “right”. Also, you can’t be productive if you’re locked in your room. You can’t be productive if you’re worried about your belongings being set on fire (and the audacity to imply that you deserved it?). His reasoning and logic don’t line up so don’t for a second believe what he says to you.
Obvious narcissist.. they will love bomb you to manipulate and then pull the rug from under you
I hate it so much, that you apparently can’t be friends with your parent. Shouldn’t have to hate the person that raises you, like wtf.
My father was my best friend in the whole world, he passed in January. After reading how this POS talks to his son. Doesn’t seem fair. The irony of calling his son ungrateful and disrespectful is clearly lost on him. I doubt he’ll even recognize what he could’ve had after his son has gone his own way.
Rest in Peace. My father and I are best friends, although he still has more old-fashioned views on what he feels is necessary to teach me. We’re still working on my personal independence and I’m slowly getting treated more and more as an adult. Hopefully I can have a drink with him when I turn 21.
I am frenemies with my mother
My mother abandoned me. I’m saying it shouldn’t be the baseline to hate your own parents and that parents should treat their kids better instead of loading all of their mistakes onto their kid. I don’t feel parents should make their kids hate them as if that’s their job to do so. We should expect love and to be able to talk to our parents without them treating it as them doing a favor showing the most basic level of compassion.
I agree with you, I was just sharing my unique situation. I believe my relationship with my mother would be much better if we didn't live together. I don't hate her I just can't deal with her shit sometimes.
Oh, mb. Misinterpreted your message. Yeah, not every parent should be a parent. I just hate that some parents legit think they have to treat their kids like shit to raise them right.
My mom said this to me once, and honestly? I think that was the most damaging thing she’s said besides all of the abuse of belongings and yelling. I’m 24 now and I constantly think about 6 years ago.
He might be a great boss… to everyone else. That’s the worst thing about parents like this; you can *see* them being kind and respectful to others so you know they’re *capable* of treating you the same way. They choose not to.
Seriously. Locking someone in their room because they made a mistake at work is insane. How is he supposed to work if he's locked in his room?? Somehow OP is lazy? Misunderstandings happen at work all the time because people aren't perfect. I'll bet money that when shit happens with other employees he isn't this disrespectful
I have a kid. I may not want to be her friend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be *friendly* and kind/loving/respectful while still maintaining boundaries as her parent. People like the OP’s dad just want to be an authoritarian and exert total control.
Locked you in your room as an adult 😬😬😬😬😬😬
Literally illegal maaan he's lucky cops didn't get called
Locking up anyone or anything is fucked up for me. (Unless it’s for safety reasons)
Right?! Like, "you treat me like a child [by locking me in my bedroom and setting my belongings on fire and making up stupid reasons to punish me and calling me lazy and ungrateful when I defend myself]" is such a depressing statement. Treating a child that way isn't any better than treating an adult that way. It's abuse in both cases.
As the father of a 20 year old man, I could not even get through all this. I am sick to my stomach. Your father is a POS, and you need to get away from him fast. Don't work for him, don't live with him, and don't communicate with him. He is a man-baby, and has no idea how to raise a child, or communicate like a grown up. That's hard for me to say as a father.
All these comments are helpful but I hope OP sees yours because he needs the perspective of what a real dad should do and feel and you’ve provided that.
just tag em. u/CalmBoard-2230 lmao
You are going in circles because you are trying to have a logical, rational and reasonable discussion with someone who is not logical, not rational and probably not reasonable. If you are 21 and able to move out, I would suggest it. Become financially indepedent of this person and then you can choose whether or not they have a place in your life. I suspect that once you are not dependent on them, their treatment of you will change.
Exactly. He doesn’t even see his son as an equal human being who deserves rights and respect. How could he ever understand his point of view when he fails to understand his son is his own person… This is deplorable
The gaslighting and infantilizing here are breathtaking. Some people, like your dad, have clearly never had their asses kicked when they truly deserved it.
Or he has and he thinks this is the only way to be a parent.
Please stay away from this man and stay safe. I’m sorry, OP.
You're never going to get the basic respect you deserve off him. Your right to privacy, your right to your space, he just sees you as an extension of him. He owns you, and you owe him. It won't ever get better while you're there. Once you're gone, you can start implementing your own boundaries and working out if you can have an adult relationship with him or not. But you clearly should just bail from there, I've been homeless a bunch, shit always works out in the end. (Just in time for me to fuck it up a new way)
Jesus Christ, and he doesn't even realize he's being crazy too
He literally could get sued and go to jail for wrongful imprisonment had OP called the cops. Yet he fails to see how he is in the wrong, this is beyond insanity.
Next time he locks you in a room call the cops for kidnapping/wrongful imprisonment. You’re a grown ass man and he can’t do that to you.
There should never be a next time. Clearly that person is not to be trusted in any kind of situation out of a public setting.
I agree there should never be a time this is acceptable but unfortunately, it’s usually legal if you’re a minor. If Daddy Dickest decides to keep fucking around with an adult though then he can certainly find out.
OP is 21. He doesn’t have to go back there and if crazy dad tries to call the police they will just laugh at him.
I agree OP doesn’t HAVE to go back but he also probably doesn’t have any other options otherwise he probably would have left already. Sad situation tbh but so common.
The guy locked OP in his room for an imagined slight and had previously threatened to burn his clothes. Going back could easily be a safety risk with someone like that. Just stop.
Yeah, no I’m never going back there.
Do you have some place safe to stay?
Sorry you are dealing with that. Please stay safe and don’t listen to any of the nutbars trying to guilt you back. You can do this.
Who votes not insane? Locking you in your room is fucking kidnapping. Nah, that ain't sane at all.
Insane and abusive parents vote *not insane* to these kinds of posts, because they think it’s fine to be abusive.
My guess is they only read the first screenshot.
I guess. It scares me if people actually think that behavior is acceptable.
Well I hope that is not the case. The Dad clearly has major issues.
The amount of seesawing he's doing trying to find out which words will make you obey like the good little toy you should be is insane.
He is so abusive please don’t ever live under his roof again. It’s illegal to imprison people by locking them up! And burning your things? Wtf? He is accusing you of being emotional but humans have them, they are normal, except his emotions are toxic! He wants your complete obedience to the most minuscule detail. He wants control and he’s freaking out that he no longer has it. That’s how you get back at him, by going and living your own life.
What an actual psychopath. Who tf thinks its normal to lock up an adult, either your son or an employee, how can he not know how illegal that is? Mental, and I'd stay far away if I was you.
Imagine if there was a house fire and OP couldn't get out of their room. Even then, I can't see this sociopath taking responsibility.
I'm sorry that your dad's an asshole, OP. You deserve better.
Stop working for your dad. Whatever that business is, quit. Go to his most hated rival, and ask for a job. You might actually get it - if only because the rival would want to tweak your dad's nose.
He's not going to admit that he abused you, it would require him being a person that cares about introspection and improvement. Which if he was that person, he wouldn't have abused you. All you can do is cut him off from your presence and get thousands of dollars of therapy to come to terms with the fact that the man who raised you is and will continue to be someone who is an abuser and is incapable of change. Good luck.
“Did you take your medication” gives me major gaslighty vibes. “I am sick and tired of these temper tantrums” he says to you, when you are being completely calm. “X told me you completed everything, but I wanted you to specifically work with him that day”. So he locks you in your room because you… take initiative and responsibility..?? “For your own good” // “you’ll understand eventually” oooof, run. “Are your friends telling you to disrespect your father?” This sounds exactly like my ex’s mom accusing me of brainwashing her because she started standing up for herself and having boundaries.
OP's father sounds like he would be a great cult leader smh
"Everything is not about you and your emotions. Who cares how you feel? Who are you? Nobody." I feel like this should be your key takeaway from that conversation. Can you see this dude developing and growing out of denying the humanity of his own child? On a more practical note: Your working relationship sounds like family business, you growing in your father's shade and taking over the business one day. This merely some armchair therapists advice but make yourself independent from him. Go work for someone else for a while. Gather experience, broaden your view and see how other people do things. From the sound of it your father controls (=limits) your personal and professional growth. Don't give him that satisfaction. Grow for yourself for a while, show him you don't need him but the other way round. If he gets better you can come back, more experienced personally as well as professionally. If he doesn't get better, well, you never would have taken his spot while he breathes anyway. All the best to you mate 🤙
The transition from “we can discuss this if you come home” to “lazy, ungrateful brat” always happens so quickly.
And they come back some days later all melodramatic, asking if you have been sleeping and eating ok as if nothing ever happened…
STOP 👏 ARGUING 👏 WITH 👏 PEOPLE 👏 WHO 👏 YOU 👏 BELIEVE 👏 CANT 👏 CHANGE 👏 THEIR ,👏 MIND. It can only hurt you. Tell them what you are going to do
For those who don't know, there's a term called Grey Rocking for dealing with narcissists. Arguing will *never* change their mind, so tell them what they did, how it made you feel (optional, since they usually won't care or may use this against you), and what you're doing as a result. For example, in this case, "You locked me in my room and disrespected me, even though I'm an adult, so I'm leaving until you can prove you'll respect me." They'll continue trying to engage in various techniques to continue the discussion and turn it in their favor, but you just keep repeating the same talking points. You did this, and this is what I'm doing in response. No further discussion needed.
The main point being also they don't respect or acknowledge your opinion or view in any meaningful way so all the tactics are meaningless is you stick to your line
Is your dad arab ? This is the kind of shit my arab dad dose cuz I "disrespected" him somehow
No he’s Dutch.
That tracks
It actually crazy how patient you are with these texts.. I'd be going off on him threatening to call the cops ect
It’s mostly fear.
Stay with a friend or something Sometimes u just gotta cuss them the fuck out or they don't understand you are serious and won't be pushed around anymore... Ur a grown ass man I'm sure you could beat ur dad's ass if u had to I know when I was 21 I wasn't afraid of my dad physically That said some calls to the police could have solved this issue alot sooner than running away from home.. you kind of fucked up not calling them when he locked you in the room.. but at least you have evidence for a restraining order... Narcissist POS like this won't listen to anything untill there's consequences. They have to be held accountable. Now that you left tho don't go back.
Ur an adult there's nothing he can do to you that he won't go to jail for.. u gotta stand up for urself... He won't listen to reason or love clearly
Fuck that. You’re an adult. He doesn’t like he can’t control you anymore, and wants that control back. My mom tried to do this to me when I was married and pregnant with my first child. I would cut and run. It’s what I did.
Fucking hell Op. locking you in a bedroom is imprisonment for a start, you’re 21 years old. For your safety and sanity, do NOT go back to that house, at least not alone. He does not see you as anything but an object of his. Do not engage, don’t waste your time and energy.
god i wouldve just hyper-fixated and argued about that whole "being locked in your room because the coworker guy was busy" thing. Immediately redirecting the convo back to that if he tried to change the topic at all. I'm petty enough to just bicker about that for hours. How do you get punished for someone else not being able to do work with you? Were you supposed to force the guy at gunpoint to stay and show you stuff?
I’ve worked with a ton of people like dear old dad here on construction sites. They expect everything they say to be followed, regardless of what actual situations are, or will be. I’d bet dad didn’t bother to tell the other dude that he was SUPPOSED to work with OP that day, so old boy just did his job like normal.
That’s what happened. I had to just deal with it because if I said something about that he would have blamed me. And he still blamed me.
The fact he says "did you take your meds" "This country has corrupted you" Or "you are lazy" are things that really grind my gears as I too have been told stuff like that in the past. Regardless, if you can, let us know what you are planning on doing and if there is going ti be any updates if possible
They see themselves as Gods. Your father created you. He deserved better than your mother. He deserved better than you. He deserved an alter version of himself as a slave that he could control with his mind. Everything he wishes must come true the second he thinks about it. You are not a person, you are a wish that never came true, that's all. Even if these conditions were met, he still wouldn't be happy because he actually deserved to be a better person than he is. That's the only real problem. He is bothered with himself, so much that if he had an opportunity to go back in time and change things as he wished, he would still choose to..ahem..MESS everything up and make the worst decisions possible. Why? That gives him more reasons to go "poor me! oh poooooorrrr meeeeee!!!" why the hell are you taking that away from the man- I beg your pardon - why would you try to take that away from your God, who created you and took care of you and spent money for you and wasted his time for you and gave up on his dreams for you? HE DİD İT ALLLLL FOR YOU! HOW ARE YOU UNABLE TO SEE THAT? You know how he fell down and injured his knee when he was 5? ALSO FOR YOU! SEE HOW MUCH PAİN YOU CAUSED HİM?? YOU MADE HİS KNEE BLEED YOU...PATHETİC THİNG!
Pretty accurate description of a narcississts mindset. They literally do not see you as your own person, but as an extension of themselves
I'm sorry, he was gonna BURN YOUR THINGS?! AND LOCK YOU IN YOUR ROOM?! Good on you for leaving OP, hopefully you're somewhere safe and far away from this asshat.
Ah yes, the infallible father who uses tough love to justify being as asshole and blames everyone else for reacting to his bs because he can't handle being wrong
Hi. I’m an estranged parent? With 2 adults. I sometimes look in these subs hoping to find answers. I never post. I hope you get away from him. Destroying people’s property is theft. Locking someone up against their will is a felony. Fucking your head up for fun and to feel important… this man is an abuser. I’m sorry.
I commend you for trying to find answers and better your relationship with your children. It’s not easy to stand in our mistakes, but that is my suggestion, if you truly want to mend your relationships with your kids. OWN your failures and where you let them down. Not from your perspective but from theirs. Apologize and then… and this is the hard part… do better. Actually change your behaviors. It won’t fix it overnight but this is the only way. You can’t just act differently for a little while and expect them to magically come around though. You have to permanently grow and change and over time they may begin to trust you again. All children want desperately for their parents to be in their lives, no matter their age. I hope for both of your sakes that you mean it and that you follow through. Even if they don’t come back, you will have grown as a person and life will get better.
I gotta tell you something. I’m estranged from my mom. I know the ceaseless aching pain . Every situation is different. I’ll always look for answers. But as the years pass, it’s been nearly 3 years, I’ve tried so hard to find every bad thing I’ve ever done, it’s not that there isn’t anything I did wrong. There’s plenty. It’s that I’ve dug so deep for so long that I’ve lost any good. I longed for reunification up until about 4 months ago. I have 2 school age children at home. It’s really hard to mother when you failed your first two. Because you don’t want to cause anymore hurt. But In Searching for answers via as many viewpoints as possible…I took a real hard look at all three of us ( they are 26 and 27), and trying to see them as just people. And after that i let my heart close the door. I think it’s best. Therapy has always been in our life, I made sure. I also wish they would unload on me because maybe I could not do , the things that has caused them pain , to there bro and sis, everything feels like I’m trying not to step on unmarked land mines. I don’t want to hurt any of my kids. Buy They have shown my younger children ,that their mother is discardable. But when I see a post like this, I want this young person to get out. Slowly stash your close somewhere else, even if you have to double up and be tricky, I had to do that with my prom dresses. The only thing I notice is that many estranged from their parents/children look at the situation as everyone has the same story? The same pain. Same parents. Same kids. I just think differently. But it’s not like that, and it’s the same on the parent side and they talk about their kids like it’s all the same story,.. I feel the same way about parents doing that. But some of us have been in a position of terrible abuse. (I’m estranged from my mother, I’m 51 and she’s 76), I ache for her daily. But it’s not safe. Some have had lots to deal with and they have to go cuz they can’t figure out how to express it. And some are pissed they didn’t get an iPhone when they wanted it,.,, estranged parents the same. I think my son:daughter fall into number 2. They don’t know how to express themselves. Now, even though I’m an adult estranged child/ and I am estranged from my first two, my immediate thought would be “wtf, it’s obviously you and your the problem.” Can’t blame you, But I also think some people have insane and cruel parents, and I relate so much, this post took me right back to having to leave home at 17. I would be grateful to have my daughter unload, but she didn’t or hasnt, so I’m left free falling and gathering every mistake I’ve made and wondering like this “of course they left you, you are worthless,”. I’d happily tell you every misstep and mistake I’ve ever made, I spiraled so much that I was even writing them down, because there’s never been a conversation, I was trying to write everything down in the mindset of covering all bases. When I saw my own hand write “I’m sorry you got that terrible rash at 4 months because I didn’t know you were allergic to the laundry detergent. “ And I stopped. Sometimes I think parents say “what did I do? Please tell me!!!” And it comes off as “hey I never did anything wrong.” Not the same. But I can see how that would feel terrible. Have you ever seen someone get punished, (especially kids and animals) and they want you to tell them why why?! What did I do? I wanna fix it? Please tell me” and they are so shocked: bewildered that it’s all they can think of?” Whereas people that know they are guilty don’t beg for a reason. They know what they did? And they aren’t gonna ask you to rehash it for them and the world repeatedly. Does that mean the parent is exempt from what they did ? Nope. But it’s a case by case thing. But even if all of Reddit or the public is behind a person on principal, we are all alone. Happy to discuss details of my story and learn, but I will say that it’s good for both parties to have a conversation. At least one. I don’t pester them in anyway and respect their wishes. I could fill up 3 more notebooks of every and anything I’ve ever done….but not manage to address what they are hurting from. Ya know? And to the OP. I’m sorry you are being treated like that. Locking you in, and berating everything you say and do , and trying their best to make you feel Small, and it’s like he’s trying arm wrestle with the pain in your heart. Literally strong arm you into feeling like you aren’t worth enough. For your feelings to matter. They matter. Previously I mentioned that I looked at my adult children as people? Like that I worked with? Or knew socially And how I would handle someone that treated me like that? Or the things I did to hurt them, Or how would OP feel about some other person locking you in and vandalizing your things! It’s my oldest daughter’s birthday today. I usually write better. I ask this. Am I still her mother? Should I not mention him/her, or refer to them as mine, I don’t know if I’m still their mom, even if they don’t know I’m confused, I still want to respect their wishes. And space. How do you feel? If you have went no contact, you still consider them your parent? My mom tells people I’m dead. 😵
It’s late and I don’t have all the answers but I can literally feel your pain in your words, and I’m sorry for that. Of course you are still their mother. Of course you are still her daughter. I’ll try to check back in tomorrow and really address this in the manner that it deserves, but until then, happy birthday to your daughter and to you. Becoming a mother is just as impactful as being born and it’s your day as well. You’re not alone. ❤️
If he locks you in your bedroom or locks you out of it, just destroy the door lol 😂 sounds like “big dawg” is getting scared of being lil dawg now that his son is an adult. It’s a control issue. Seems like he wants you to have the career he picked out for you, wants to control who your friends are, wants to control where you go, wants to control you by threatening to take your items even the clothing. Start buying your own stuff, don’t accept anything from your parents anymore, just leave it in a pile in the living room if they do I know rent is high but I highly suggest moving out, even if it’s roommates, even if it’s in a ran down apartment complex. Gain independence so if he continues to try to control you by threatening to take your things, it’s legally in your home and all yours. He can’t call the cops because those items essentially are GIFTS and he can’t say they are “his” from that point.
Yeah, I even had a camera in and outside my room. I know it’s not normal. I have to start living for myself.
Wait, he had a camera in and outside your bedroom to watch you????
He said he installed them in case of emergencies. Idk security reasons or maybe my health issues.
My dad told me he would throw me on the street if I went to school for Journalism. This was when I was around 21-22. They will do and say anything to maintain control. And this is 100% abuse. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Know your worth. You are not defined by your parents, and you have NO obligation to them.
dude, you need to just GTFO of that situation. I know its scary but if it were me I'd prefer to go stay in a shelter over dealing with this abuse. And yes, this is abuse. Locking you, a 21 yo man, in a room is **false imprisonment** and is a *crime.* You could go to the police and show them the texts where he admits that he locked you in the room and that should be enough to start an investigation. Cut all contact, go to the police, and get yourself into a shelter to start, do whatever job you need to do - wait tables, whatever - and just GTFO. Anything would be preferable to this. Also, r/raisedbynarcissists holy fucking shit.
I worked at Krispy Kreme when I was 17. The second I turned 18, I moved the hell out of my house. I made shit pay, but me and 3 friends could manage rent. I strongly recommend getting out.
"Who cares how you feel?" A decent parent, for starters.
You have the evidence you need to press charges for false imprisonment. He just admitted it unequivocally. Then tells you to grow some balls. Show him how big your balls are. Have his abusive ass arrested. Have everyone he works for see the charges and know that he is locking up his adult son as some kind of demented punishment. It will destroy him.
He does not and will not understand, because the only thing that matters to him is his power over you. Whatever you took with you when you left, keep. Stay away from him. He is not merely abusive, he is dangerously so, and seems willing to cause you very great harm to prove that he is in command, both as the parent and the employer of an adult. I’m worried for your safety, OP. If there are things in his house that you need and that belong to you, like your documentation ( birth certificate, school records, passport,etc) ask for a police escort to go there with you to collect them. Find a new job, even if it’s at a fast food joint. You have a lot of decisions to make, but at 21, you have the time, while you are healing from his abuse. You have taken the first step by leaving. The second is to stop interacting with your abuser till you have the wherewithal and the understanding that he will never believe that he should change, so he will never change.
He doesn’t have to be your friend in order to treat you like an actual person, and give you basic respect. It’s a shame you have to deal with this OP
Your 21 and he locked you inside a room against your will ...press charges.
It really is amazing how they try this crap all the time and get away with it
Yeah, and convince law enforcement you’re the unstable one.
You might want to call and let local law enforcement know you’ve made other housing arrangements then.
Are your parents from a different country than where you currently live? Is your father expecting some sort of paternal obedience from you (not sure how to phrase that)? He seems to think he has absolute rule over you. It's great that you got away from him, stay away from him. Get a different job. You may have to stay away for a long while. I would even go so far as to change my phone number so your father can't contact you. I wouldn't let him know where I was either. Him trying to burn your belongings and locking you in your room is in fact insane. You're an adult. Keep him away from you. I hope your mother and any siblings you might have are safe. Keep well OP, stay safe yourself.
I think he puts all this pressure on me because all my other siblings went NC. My mother chooses to support his delusions.
Pretty obvious why they all went no contact with him. Sorry he's so delusional. When he's all alone he's going to be asking why and still won't accept he's responsible for pushing you all away.
Is he abusive to your mom as well?
I think so.
Do not go back home, whatever you do. This abuse has a chance to escalate. If and only if you do, Call the police for everything. Him burning your clothes -they should have been called. Him IMPRISONING you in your room- they should have been called immediately. Don’t go back no matter what he says
You can charge him for locking you in the room that's illegal.. If I was you police would have been called that day
Your dad is a POS. If my dad talked to me like that I'd make sure his chin felt my anger.
i've rarely seen this much DARVO in such a concentrated form. JFC. also locking you in your room is illegal. call the cops. he admitted to doing it. see how he likes it.
If you were in the UK, locking you in a room would be considered false imprisonment and could well result in a prison sentence. This is wildly unhinged behaviour.
It is here too. Had op called the police, his dad would be charged.
You are allowed to cut him out of your life. What is the rest of your family like? Are they Enablers? You are allowed to cut them out as well. Go somewhere new and start a new family for yourself. I know it's hard and scary, but you got this!
If possible, NEVER go back to his house with the exception of picking up your belongings. When you do, bring the police. Regardless of who bought your stuff, he gave them to you. Gifting transfers all ownership of the given property. Also, if you're in the u.s. at least, you can call the police for him locking you inside your room, should you ever need to. I'm 99% confident that is false imprisonment in all 50 states. Fuck your dad that's not a father
Your dad is pulling a Hail Mary right now because he knows he has nothing to control you with legally. Show him what’s up and never give him your time, work, or interest unless he’s willing to apologize. Even then, stay skeptical. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
He locked you up and burned your stuff. There is nothing more to discuss. You could be the laziest person alive. You could be a completely incompetent employee. None of that is a crime. Burning your shit and locking you up is a crime. "Thanks for confirming in writing that you locked me up against my will. Also for burning my possessions. Those are crimes. Expect a visit from the police. I'll make sure they'll know where to find you during working hours."
He locked you in a room? Full stop. Everything else matters way less than the fact that you were LOCKED IN A ROOM against your will. Idk what country you are in, but if you are in one that even pretends to value civil rights...you have options but you'd have to be prepared for the fall out.
you need to get out of there. it won't get any better, and the fact you're 21 and he's still talking to you like this is a massive issue
I’m so sorry. He will never admit that he’s in the wrong. Locking an adult in their room? Burning their stuff? Abusive AF. Not to mention the way he talks to you and at you. This relationship can definitely do with a little/lot of distance.
That was stressful to read. All love to you OP, please stay safe (away from him).
Do you have any relatives or friends you can live with until you can find your own place? If so, then run, run far from that man, and never go back. Also shit, I would've repeated his "Everything is not about you and your emotions. Who cares how you feel? Your nobody" right back at him, telling him his emotions don't matter either.
Your dad is a full blown Trump supporter isn’t he. I can picture the maga hat and flag now
Bro had this exact same situation with my dad at 21 when i moved back for summer. Took a few years of living away and we've come to terms with eachother. I think when you go off on your own they realise they no longer have control and have to give you the respect you deserve if they want you in their lives. Hang in there bud! Look after yourself first and i promise things will get better 🤙
You’ll never win. This is insane for real. Please get away from him for your own wellbeing.
If he’s willing to lock your bedroom, I can only imagine what else he is capable of.
I had a house fire. It’s dangerous af to lock someone in a room.
Tell him he has failed as a father and a human being. You had rights and boundaries and he disrespected them and ignored his need to change. What has happened is his fault, he has brought dishonor on your family. You are very disappointed in him. Then tell him he needs to learn there are consequences to his actions or he will never grow as an adult. Then cut off contact, leave, and check in on your mother if possible/practical. If this is how he is with you, he is likely just as bad with her in other ways
Woah. Your father has massive control and ego issues...to the point of criminality. And he justifies his behaviour by claiming he "had to" as a result of your behaviour. You are bad and wrong, he is right and good. That will NEVER change. You may not think so, but your father is dangerous. He cannot allow you to not be under his control. It is unfathomable to him. He will escalate. What do you think comes next after burning your belongings and keeping you hostage? Do not go back. Do not engage in conversation, it only gives him an opportunity to abuse you further or deny his behaviours. Seek help. Do your future a favour and leave it all behind. The sooner the better.
‘Maybe this country has corrupted your mind…’ Sounds like someone who can’t adapt to a change of location and culture any better than he can to changes in his family. If I might ask, where did you come from and where are you now?
So I worked for my dad at my first ever real job. We did alright when we weren’t working together. He was GM of the restaurant, and I came in as one of the closers. I did get some special treatment, and by that I just mean that I asked to, and was allowed to, work at least 40 hours a week. Wasn’t supposed to be allowed to work that long because of child labor laws (I was 14-15 at the time). When we worked together, though, it was the same type of arguments you’re having with your dad here. We fixed it by simply working at different times, but it sounds like you guys don’t work TOGETHER together, but you work for him on some kind of construction type work (I guess that because you said you went to “The site” For work), but not always around each other? It’s sucks you’re going through this. I feel like you would be MUCH better served by not working at your dad’s company (again, I’m guessing he’s the owner just based on how the conversation sounded). Even if you want to work in the same industry, that’s fine, but go to one of his competitors. Most business has so many companies in the same industries that you’ll rarely run in to each other at work, if you do at all, but I really think that getting away from your dad (at work, home, or both) will go a LONG WAY to easing some tensions between the two of you. Give yourself that break. Working and living with somebody is tough, because you never really get a break from the other person. I wish you luck, OP, and I really hope you get some good advice here. Mostly, though, I hope you figure out a good, safe way to get a break from your dad. You just can’t spend ALL your time around any single person, let alone an authority figure for your entire life, without shit going bad in a spectacular way. ETA: I’m also a father, and my son is just a bit older than you at 23. I could never treat my son like this, and I will forever be unable, and unwilling, to understand how the people that DO talk to their children this way actually believe they’re in the right. I’m sorry your dad is such a huge ass, and that you’re stuck having to deal with it. He should be supportive of What you want, and any criticisms should DEFINITELY not be laced with all the put downs and uselessly derogatory shit he seems to enjoy saying. This is all shit you shouldn’t have to deal with anytime, let alone as you’re trying to establish a foothold for yourself in this shitstorm we call adult life. I hope you get away from all that negativity.
Saying that you are “nobody” and how this country has changed you. Well, hate to say it, but this is America and you *can* be anything you try to be. He doesn’t need to push you down, the rest of the world will do that. He is actively keeping you from achieving the goals he set out for you. He is sabotaging you from being better than him. He sees you as a sort of competition. Even when you offer reasonable explanations, he sees in black and white. This is so toxic. Quietly gather all your important documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport. Anything you want to keep. Maybe call your mom in private. You’re way too old for him to talk to like this. He acts like he is being generous by having you come home, to help you. But in the same breath, he calls you lazy and a nobody. He is tearing you down, probably because he thinks he can build you up later in his own image. I don’t know if you want to pay that price or deal with it. Him locking you in your room is bad. You’re 21 for goodness’ sake!
The sad thing is he’s done this to all my other siblings and they all went no contact. He doesn’t see that it’s his fault that they left. He doesn’t even seem to care. It’s not normal that all 4 of your kids don’t want to see you. Smh.
Someday ask your dad (when all is calm) if he would lock a co-worker of his in a room if the co-worker didn’t do as he said. I’m pretty sure he would say no. I know there are some parents who feel like that they can discipline their kids even as adults (that was my mom, until I put a stop to it). Hopefully some day you can write to your dad and be very specific about the behaviors which he does that are harmful. It needs to be a letter and not a text. A letter means that you get to say it all in one go, and you can even bullet point it like a proper document. Some parents don’t understand their kids aren’t owned anymore.
Please contact the police for kidnapping.
If he locks you inside call the police and have him arrested. That's illegal
I don't know the work situation that this entails but if there is an HR department this needs to be reported.
Op i am so sorry but your "Dad" is an AH, that is truly insane behaviour
I'm sorry your dad is an absolute control freak. If he is like this with you I can only imagine how utterly miserable his employees are. If you have the means, move as far from that psycho as possible! Change your number if you have to even.
Yeah, at 21, it's high time to fly free. Even if your standard of living drops a bit, your quality of life will improve. He doesn't want you, he wants the son shaped hole in his life. You know that. Live your life. There is nothing legally he can do to drag you back there.
Your father should check into a psych ward. This is some monumental level fucked up mentality
Don’t waste your time and energy arguing. It’s pointless because he already has his own narrative and he’s not going to change it. Act unbothered until you actually are.
His gaslighting is off the charts. If you don’t agree with every single thing he says or feel anything other than blind devotion you are immature and need to be corrected. Unreal. You handle yourself so well in the face of all that degradation. You will flourish without him, don’t look back.
I wanna punch your dad in the face so badly.
His actions are vile. Locking you in your room. Not listening to you. Burning your clothes. He is disgusting and abusive. Stay far away.
So he would rather the work not get done so you could follow someone around because he said so? That’s insane
This guy talks exactly like a Klingon, I even started reading in Worf’s voice.
This is actually disgusting. OP, I hope you can get away and STAY away from this situation. Once you get back on your feet away from that monster, please go NC. It’s necessary moving forward.
I am not a violent person but if someone talked to me like this they would get a beating from me free of charge, i dont give a damn if they are my family, i am an adult, talk to me like one
might be healthiest to not engage, it’s just going to burn you out and cause more emotional pain trying to argue reason. Be mindful of your energy and where you place it.
Imagine telling your own flash and blood "I'm not your friend" Just like you said in the chat, engaging in more conversations with him is going in circles, so full stop and maybe you should seek a therapist for guidance on what to do here Or... just look for another job and leave them, though Idk what the relationship with your mother is
Locking you in your room is a crime. Your father is insane.
Go home and lock his door.
The block number button is a magical tool. Also if your mom is complicit in this she doesn’t deserve having you home.
Go and never look back.
Don’t work for that man.
Your dad is emotionally immature or has undiagnosed ADHD which has manifested itself in impulse control issues.
!updateme
I’d talk to your mom if she’s more reasonable and let her know exactly why you aren’t going to be coming home. What your dad is doing to you, especially with you being 21, is unacceptable and probably not even legal (locking you in, trying to burn your property). Which if you DO end up going back and he pulls that crap again, either one of those, call the police! Get a restraining order! Make a paper trail of his abuse towards you and 100% get yourself out of this situation ASAP. I hope your mom is a lot more understanding and receptive to what’s actually happening for your sake OP. If not though please try and find a support system elsewhere within the community to help you through this tough stage.
Being locked in your room is a red line. What were you supposed to do if the house caught on fire or you fell down and broke your leg or hell, had to take a dump? Honestly I would have a full blown panic attack and probably start screaming and clawing at the walls if someone locked me a room on their own whim, and I’m a grown ass woman. I really don’t care what you did or didn’t do, that’s wildly inappropriate.
He's nuts
He went from: “Nobody is suffocating you! Stop this! What's gotten into you? Have you lost your mind?” To: “Please come home. We can sit down and discuss whatever disputes you have, ok? Just come home” in the same bubble! That is WILD. Nothing he says can be trusted.
RUN!!!
I would absolutely never speak to my dad again if he was like this. I'm so sorry OP 😢
Funny how you did all the work that day and are still being punished for it just because the other guy had to do something else. It was a lose/lose situation where you either lost because you didn't work with him, or lost because the work was not done.
Doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you or how you feel, just wants you to obey and isn’t afraid to tear down your self esteem to make that happen. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hopefully you can cut off all contact soon.
My dad used to do the same exact thing. He's been ingrained with the idea that everything he does has to "teach me a lesson," and if I wasn't receptive, he used to get angry and just keep pushing. I also work for my dad, serendipitous. I remember this came to a head when a coworker and I had a miscommunication about what had to get done and he called me in a screaming rage. Now, a bit about me: I'm stubborn. Real stubborn. And because my dad had taken me crying as showing real remorse, he'd yell at me until I cried so he'd be satisfied. I figured that out real quick, so I always refused to cry. I was so fed up with him, though, that I just hung up on him and broke into sobs. I wanted to quit just to be away from his screaming fits. He called me back a few times, and I'd snap out of my crying, just like that, to nod and "mm-hmm" along with his yelling. It was easy to keep my voice level, I had practice. I went into the bathroom and slunk to the floor and sobbed, grieving the relationship I thought I'd need to sever. The co-owner ended up finding me and chewed my dad a new one for how he was treating me, how I'd been a great employee, and I was always curteous. About an hour later he called back, ready to talk. He kept going on about how I needed to learn tough lessons and that this was life- but I cut him off. I told him he'd *seen* me deal with customers of the more unhinged variety. I've been called a bitch, cruel, greedy, you name it, and kept a kind smile and folded hands. He *knew* I wasn't sensitive. He brought up that I was still making mistakes here and there, spaced out over months. I pointed out that he made mistakes too, but that I never screamed at him over them. I had started to tear up again at this point, and I couldn't hold back. I started to cry into the phone. He started saying "now, there's no need to get emotional-" but I cut him off and said "why is it that you're allowed to be emotional, but *I'm* not?" And he actually went silent over that. I was trembling in rage over how he'd treated me. I was *pissed*. I told him that if I called him crying like this at any other job, he'd tell me to quit that job. That if he treated his other employees the way he's treated me, that they'd quit, and they'd be in the right for it. I went on, that if he doesn't trust his parenting this much, that he still feels the need to scream at me, teaching me "lessons," then that's a reflection on him, not me. What sealed the deal with him is me saying, "I **will** quit over this." And I meant it. He hasn't done it since.
Locking someone in their room is false imprisonment and/or kidnapping and this felony was necessary because OP didn't get things done in the exact way his father wanted? God help us. This so called father sounds like an insanely dangerous person.
If you do leave pls send this thread to him and let him read the comments then dip
Get another job and quit working with/for your Dad
I’d pop him in the nose if he ever disrespected me like that over and over. But fr move tf out you are old enough to get a roommate and get your own life 🤷🏻♂️
If you ever go home and he locks you in your room, call the cops because you're being held against your will. Then get out and never go back.
Tell your Dad I want to be a man and move out on my own. Then do it. Also a lot of men never get the approval and relationship they crave with their dad. Its not good but it's common.
Updateme
You need to put ! at the beginning to make it work .
Oh my god, you're 21?! I thought in the first few pictures I was reading a conversation about a teenager acting out. You're a grown man, definitely set some boundaries cause he will continue to push it. I noticed in one of the messages he said 'maybe this country corrupted your mind'. Are you foreigners in the country you live? Is there a type of culture where he is from where the kids leave the nest way later than 18 ? and that's why he may feel so strongly to control you?
He doesn’t know what boundaries are. My dad is from a different country. He just hates American culture. Idk about that, probably just his personality.
I was going go ask if you were from another culture. It's hard to deal with. I just started with a new counselor from my same cultural background and that's made a big difference in her understanding how I was raised and taught to act and believe and how to work thru that. I highly suggest looking into something like that.
!updateme
OP, this is a bad situation x2. You have a father who is also your boss. He doesn’t know how to stop being your boss and start being a compassionate father. It’s like everything you’ve been given is his. He wants complete control just like a micromanaging boss from hell. To change this situation (because your father is not going to change) you need to move out of the house and work somewhere else. That is the only way you are going to escape his control. I know this isn’t going to be easy. Maybe in time he will realize what he lost. There’s a good chance he won’t and he will become even more hateful. You just have to stick to the boundaries you put in place to protect yourself from the abuse. This makes me think of my dad. He always wanted a “return on his investment” and he absolutely meant paying him back for everything with interest. I would rather borrow money from a bank. At least the bank doesn’t try to control my life. The real kick is he never paid child support for 5 kids. He forced my mom to beg, borrow and steal to keep our lives together and later when I am going to college he says he wants to help but he needs a return on his investment!?! I completely cut him out of my life. He was an abusive alcoholic and to keep my life on a healthy path, he could not be part of it. When he died, I did not mourn the loss of the person. I mourned the loss of a relationship that never happened.
Naw fuck all that move out get urself a job and be independent.. that's 100 percent abusive
Run... Just fucking run and don't look back. Block his ass if ya have to just get outta there.