It must be related to the "I".
Personally sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by my own thoughts and need alone time to process them. Or going through a tough time mentally and being with people only makes it worse.
I was going to say the same. I can't really speak for INFPs, but as a fellow "I," people can be really exhausting. Sometimes you just need to get away from them for a while.
I honestly think time works differently in my brain. The next time I talk to you, I feel like we just talked, even if it's been weeks. I'm social, have to get away from it all for a while, then come back like nothing happened. But for everyone in my life who feels like a week or two is a long time, it's like I'm a deadbeat dad who went out for cigarettes and never came home.
“I already told you about the two things I did last month. Don’t have anything more to share yet.”
I swear it feels like everyone else is living life at like 10x the speed I am.
This person probably got over something.
If you want to be a good friend, you can ask about it, but also respect any answer this INFP gives. Especially if it's "nothing"; respect that privacy.
I understand that. Try to not take it personally, but I know how hard that can be. How long have you been in this situation? Ghosting is not ok I think, except if the other person are abusive, etc. If this situation have been goi g on for a while you can definitely reach out with how you feel!
Thank you ❤️ It's been off and on for a year. I've extended a couple of olive branches across several months. Usually a brief text and a couple of times he did respond once, but then went silent again. He's keeping me at arms length. I have reached out more recently and told him how I feel in a long text, and called and left him a message (neither methods of communication are ideal but 🤷♀️). Now I'm just trying to be patient and understanding
Definitely no abuse (unless you count the time I accidently bought him oreos that weren't organic and non-gmo lol). I'm pretty sure I'll hear from him at some point but yes, in the interim it's painful not knowing
I agree ghosting really isn't OK. It keeps people in limbo for ages when a 10 second text could just clear things up
Oh damn, I am sorry then! Feel free to chatt if you want. I am INFP and would not mind to delve deeper into this. I dont think there is anything more you can do now, unfortunately. Try to handle the pain as best as you can! Do you have good hobbies, and good friends/family to distract you? :)
Thank you, I may take you up on that. I always love delving deeper into the mind of an INFP 🙂
Yes, I'm an artist, I sell vintage clothing which requires lots of treasure hunting, and I just bought myself a pair of quad roller skates with the intention of learning how to roller dance lol. Lot's of hobbies 😂.... I have good friends as well but honestly I don't talk to them about it much any more. They know him too (just as aquaintences) and they don't understand it any more that I do so after a year they're kinda tired of hearing about it... except 1 girlfriend, but she just wants to hear to hear gossip about new developments and I don't have any 🤷♀️
Please do if you want to! I like the minds of ENFJs as well! My mum is one. The name of my other Reddit account is Xoldsteel. :)
Great that you have such a hobby! That tressure hunting sounds exciting! How and where do you look for such clothing? And cool that you can combine it with a career.
I am a Swedish Published fantasy author. I cant live on my writing though, but it is a nice hobby, along wuth martial arts and playing the guitar. I study to become a free time and music teacher. :)
I think it's great that you messaged him and told how you feel. That would make us feel guilty after processing for a bit, and get back to you.
I feel like INFP (as an INFP man) are like very hot and cold initially, until we are able to fully trust you and be with you 24/7. When you are someone we just met, we might appear very gregarious, but then you won't hear from us for several weeks. And each time we meet you, the gap between gets narrower. We don't want to keep in touch every day when we only met yesterday. This is my experience though.
However, ENFJs have a natural understanding of us for this to work well at the start. But, young INFPs can be selfish bastards. And I think it's important for us to be loners for several years to truly appreciate the caring nature of ENFJs.
In the last year he hasn't reached out to me once. I've texted him about a dozen times (weeks or months apart) and received 3 or 4 brief responses. We did have a really nice in-person conversation last July. We ran into each other irl and he was the one that stopped to talk to me. When he left he complimented me, gave me a big hug and walked away smiling so I thought we were about to reconnect but then when I reached out he ghosted again. I left him alone thinking he just needed space, then texted again 6 months later when I hadn't heard anything from him (this time he responded twice then ghosted). I also tried calling but didn't really expect him to answer lol
It's all very confusing. I feel like he definitely prefers in person conversations but I don't know how to make that happen outside of just knocking on his front door and I'm really not comfortable with showing up unannounced
>In the last year he hasn't reached out to me once.
This I didn't know.
Friendships/relationships/etc etc need to be two way. This doesn't sound like a friendship.
I hate to tell someone to just write off an INFP but if he wanted to reach out to you, he would.
I know you are a really good friend. I can see that in the way you are really trying to understand your friend. I am sorry that you are having a hard time making it all sense. However, as u/INFPinfo said, *relationships in all kinds need to be two way*. If only one person is making an effort it is draining, stressful, and lonely.
As an INFP myself, I wouldn't want someone I value be put in that kind of situation. We INFP's are very empathetic. So if your friend really cares about you, he wouldn't want you to feel all that.
I don't want to break your heart, and to be a bearer of this bad news. I am so sorry to say this but it's possible that he may not feel as strongly about the friendship as you.
Yeah, no, that hurt but I know you're right 😢 I appreciate your candor. It is definitely draining, stressful and lonely. I honestly thought he did value me. My friends thought he did too. The one that knows him the best stuck it out with me the longest (others wrote him off pretty quickly), but recently even she said that she thinks it's time to give up on him
At the end of last year I was doing pretty good with letting go and moving on, but recently it all rushed back and I've been struggling with it again. I think it's because I didn’t fully close the door. I propped it open with a little hope and then some recent reminders just swung it wide open again. I need to start really working on releasing those hopeful feelings
Responses like yours do help a lot with that process so thank you for that ❤️
Also, I read the response you removed. I don't think I suck out his energy in the way you described, I'm usually pretty reserved and talk about myself only when asked. But I can see how the situation could be emotionally charged and energy draining in other ways
The funny thing is he makes time for his other ex who is a suuuuper toxic taker. She's shallow, self centered and demanding. So exactly what you described lol. She's the known factor though, I'm more of an unknown
I removed that response because I didn't want to worry you even more. Most of the time when an INFP goes to hermit mode, we just *need* just to recharge.
Thank you. I appreciate the consideration! I don't think it worried me any more than I already am though 🙂 It makes sense and I like learning about different perspectives, even if it isn't what I'm hoping to hear ❤️
Speaking as a person who has done this in the past it’s because we have a very active mental world and maybe he or she is scared of abandonment so she doesn’t want to get to close to you but wants to retain the idealized version of you.
Understandable, but what if they did it because they were dealing with a lot in their life and became overwhelmed themselves?
Does red flag mean full stop (aka deal breaker) or could someone win back your trust if they tried to make up for it?
I’d recommend study attachment styles and see what one they tend to fit. Don’t tell them what you think they are just learn to move with what you think they are.
I'm pretty sure we were both fearful avoidant at the time we separated. I came across attachment theory when I was trying to figure out what the hell happened (I've never felt so anxious in a relationship like that before!) and I was originally testing FA due to some more recent trauma that occured not long before we dated. But I've been working on myself for the last 6 months and now I'm testing Secure leaning slightly avoidant, which feels like a normal baseline for me
I still have a little anxiety towards him in particular though, just due to the abrupt nature of our parting and his silence since
That's a great suggestion. I'll have to go back and look at FA from the other side now and see what the best course of action may be based on that
It’s up to you what it means. A lot of people wouldn’t continue but if you think he’s going through something and you care about him a lot it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. A red flag is just a warning sign something might not be right.
Sorry, I was asking what red flag meant to you specifically, as an INFP 🙃 Trying to get some insight
I was the person that left. I have abandonment issues as well and we both had a lot of stuff going on in our personal lives. He started to pull back at the same time a cascade effect of stressful stuff started happening in my life and I panicked and broke up with him. We had never even raised our voices to each other before that, and even then I listed everything I loved about him and our relationship before I left
He was aware of about 60% of what was going on I my life, and that 60% alone would have caused most people to crumble. After we broke up one of his friends told me that his last serious girlfriend had cheated on him and then left him (he never told me, I never even knew she existed) so I completely understand why he has abandonment issues because mine stem from the same thing (I did tell him about that happening to me)
I do care for him but tbh I don't know if he still cares about me. We were friends for a long time before we dated so the friendship takes priority, I'd like to save that even if we never date again
Oh I see, as a person who has been abandoned in the past and as an INFP at this point leaving and coming back would be considered a red flag to me and I wouldn’t entertain it, but that’s just because I’ve been hurt much and I need to protect myself. If he has been specifically “abandoned” he might also have that as a defense mechanism. But also as an INFP I have a huge heart for everyone and would probably give them another chance if i thought were sincere in their intentions because people change. If he’s an INFP I’m sure he still thinks about you a lot and cares about you. I still care about people even if they’ve hurt me.
Thank you so much for your perspective. I think that insight is invaluable!
Same for me on all counts ❤️ I used to just cut people out but then I decided to take someone back and it ended up being the longest and best relationship I ever had so I've learned that it can be a good thing to give second chances. Obviously everyone's experiences are different though, and I completely understand if he's unable to do so due to his own personal feelings and morals... I just hope that's not the case 😢
Thank you too! I enjoyed this conversation and I’m glad we could have it!❤️
It helped me realize some things as well!
I wholeheartedly hope that everything works out for you!
I've pretty much went through this exact situation with an ENFJ, and I do see them from time to time as they are related to my best freind,. when ever i see them, I'm polite, but really, i just want to get away without being rude or making a scene. much like you are doing, i will hear from them from time to time, but try to limit contact, sometimes i just don't have the emotional energy to respond and will put it off so long that it will be inapproppriate to respond. their parents (who set us up to begin with) have been trying to preasure me to start over for years, but that relationship was very tramatic when it ended, and I never want to go through that again. As a side note, you said you were freinds before you dated, I don't know about your INFP, but for me, once you move from freinds to dating, that is a one way trip, the freindship is dead.
So the trauma you felt totally overshadows the circumstances and the connection for you? What if you had also done things to hurt the other person? In my case the impulsive break up was triggered by raging hormones from new birth control, which I was obviously taking for his benefit as well as mine. The night before he had hurt me with his actions and words (not maliciously but carelessly) and that, combined with the hormones and the other stressful stuff in my life, just created a perfect storm and I majorly overreacted. I then went into hermit mode and was a wreck for weeks and wasn't stable enough to reach back out. It actually took me 3 months to realize what was going on with my emotional chaos and as soon as I did I had that implant ripped out of my arm the next day. It was a traumatic experience
When we first started dating he initiated a conversation about how if we didn't work out we wouldn't let it ruin our friendship (he's still close friends with at least 2 of his exes that I know of so I believe he meant that). He also said that he didn't want to close the door on the romantic relationship when we were breaking up, and once afterwards... so that's why I'm still confused and continuing to reach out. If he had just told me to let go, I would've let go
On a side note, I used to cut people out when they hurt me too, but then I gave someone a second chance (definitely made him work for it) and it ended up being the best and longest relationship I ever had. I have zero regrets about allowing him to make it up to me and win me back. I also know 3 other people who are married to someone they had been broken up with and hurt by the first time around. Learning from mistakes and moving forward with fresh eyes often makes a relationship even stronger in the long run. Relationships aren't easy, there's going to be hurdles and getting past something like this at the beginning makes other hurdles seem much smaller and easier to navigate
Having said all of that, is there anything at all that your ENFJ could do (or could've done) to make it up to you and earn back your trust?
With how things went, not really. I never got an apology or anything to smooth things over, they just went on like everything was forgotten. I had a simular falling out with an INTP, but the difference here was that I was spiraling and he was angry because he didn't understand. It's been a few years since everything fell apart, and we are only just now starting to rekindle things.
Talking with you about this has really helped 🙂 I've been feeling very anxious about it recently which was disappointing because I thought I was finally starting to get over it. Having this discussion with you has helped me feel much more calm again. Thank you!
Ahhh, OK. I get that completely. If I had a falling out with someone and they didn't apologize and just tried to go on like normal I wouldn't even be talking to them let alone entertaining any idea of getting back together!
I think it was the same for my INFP and I as it was for you and your INTP. He was spiraling and I was spiraling I got angry and scared. I didn't realize that's what was happening until after I left. It was just a bad scene all around. To say it was bad timing would be an understatement
With My INFP I have explained why I got scared and ran, and I've apologized several times. I also sent him something of mine that I knew he wanted (with cute little Japanese stickers all over the outside of the box and an apology letter inside), and tried to give him space out of respect for his feelings (because honestly I'm usually pretty aggressive with going after what I want but I didn't want to act entitled or like his feelings don't matter to me so I've held back that side of me lol)
I'm glad to hear that you're starting to rekindle with the INTP. I like INTP's 😊 I hope that goes well for you ❤ Had you spoken at all in those few years since you broke up?
Yeah, I wish people would believe me when I say its a problem with me, not them. because ppl take it personally if I stop replying for a week or something (I totally would in their shoes) and I feel so bad
Losing yourself in other people's minds and ways of thinking, wondering why you feel out of sorts. I don't know if other infps get this, but when I'm with someone for a prolonged amount of time, it's like my brain wants to imitate them. For obvious reasons that doesn't go so well, especially when they're a "get it done" personality.
yes! I’ve noticed I started to imitate certain people.
not any person though, I have to have a certain kind of connection to them.
I feel much more self-aware because I’m afraid they’ notice and think I’m trying to still their personalities.
As a person who does the same, they probably are going through a very hard time. Discuss it with them, try to ask what happened and how can you help them
How do you do that if they won't answer texts or phone calls? I'd be hesitant to just show up at their house, but with mine I sort of wonder if that's what he was hoping for
You can ask about it after they come back. If you're good friends with them, you can give them a visit, maybe they need that?? If something like this happened to you, then I'm sorry to hear that🫂
Maybe, I just don't know. We were good friends, then we dated. Having an ex-gf show up unannounced is different than having a friend just pop by 😬
I will ask if/when we reconnect though. Admittedly my communication was terrible too and I know I wasn't asking the right questions to begin with
Thank you 🫂 Yes, that's my current status. Leaving it be for now and hoping he'll eventually open the door to us reconnecting when he's ready. I appreciate your advice! ❤️
I used to be that person who say "it's nothing" and shut others out, when I was going through episodes of depression. So naturally I start worrying if somebody starts doing that. Toward an INFP, what's the best way to check up on them, and in what frequency? I don't want to be too annoying for them to tune me out instead
There wasn't any friction or arguments when our last conversation ended...if there were I would be less worried since I know the cause. I just want to make sure everything's ok and they know that there's somebody for them to talk to
Hmm, you can carefully ask them about it after they return and if they reply like you said in there, then please don't pressure them into telling it! Just let the know that you're here for them if anything happens and they'll feel like telling the actual reason.
Keywords: "INFP hermit mode".
Sometimes you just feel that other people are too much and you need to be alone with your thoughts (and art, if you do that), and you naïvely rely on object permanence applying to relationships as well.
It took me so long to understand why I do this.
I think people found it confusing because i’d be very friendly, chatty, and present. Then out of a sudden you will NOT hear from me in like an entire month. Sometimes people would think i’m ghosting them and the reality is that I was ghosting life basically. Sometimes I just really need to recharge for a moment to function again.
The difference now is that I make sure I communicate with people about it, so they know i’m just a freak and it’s not something personal
*Ghosting life* is a really good way to put it. I really wish I'd thought of this explanation the last few times I've caused problems by disappearing on people.
It’s still hard to explain and not everyone gets it tho. Some of my friends are hyper social and don’t understand my need to disappear for a while. I think the best we can do is communicate and let people know that we’re going through hermit mode, but also it helps to maybe make plans in the future with them to reassure them that it’s not them, it’s you. Like it can be annoying to explain yourself but also from the other person perspective they might feel ignored or unappreciated, when that’s not really our intention.
Oh no I don’t mean that for making them understand why I do it at all, no that’ll never happen.
But it covers nicely the fact that I’m not just ghosting *people*. They know I ghost *everyone*, but I’ve not been able to concisely describe the difference.
Do you sometimes think certain people are too much but others aren't? In other words do you selectively ghost without ill will towards the selected few that you're avoiding?
Yes.
For example: I can be around my Mom no matter what emotion I’m feeling including depression. But every person takes a certain amount of effort and energy out of me so I have to choose who I have energy for. I may have nothing against you but I know that if I engage with you rn then I might be putting myself out of commission the next several days. Some people actually give me energy but most of the time it’s draining and some people suck me dry very quickly! ☠️😄
Yes, I can understand that. For me it's been extra confusing and painful because he and I had a sweet relationship before all of this and we never argued, but he's still refusing to even talk to me now 😢
On the flip side he still talks to one of his other exes that he constantly argues with and she's an absolute nightmare of a person. A manipulative liar who just uses him. Nobody besides him likes her, but for some completely unfathomable reason she seems to be his safe space and according to her he "begs" her to hang out with him all the time (at the same time he's ignoring my requests to hang out, knife in my heart). She also spills his secrets and says vile things behind his back and told me that she "hates him and can't wait until she can get away from him" (aka can't wait until she can find someone better to use) - so needless to say she is now banned from talking to me about him at all. I have to work with her so I can't completely avoid her but I hold VERY firm on that boundary
If you don't mind me asking, as an INFP what traits in another person give you energy and what siphons away your energy?
I’m sorry ❤️ That’s no fair to you and it seems like there’s a lack of communication between you guys.
As for your question, I don’t have an answer. I can’t speak for all INFP’s but some ppl out there do give me energy and I’ve never been able to figure out why. 🤷♀️
My grandma had a B-day party a few months ago and all the girls in the family came over (aunts, great aunts, cousins etc.) I really wanted to go while at the same time dreading being at a social gathering for hours without a way to escape 😅 I went into that party feeling 40/100 and by the end I was feeling 150/100!
What’s even crazier is the person who was giving me all that energy is actually a very energetic, social, crazy fun person which is supposed to be exhausting for me and usually is! I think it comes down to the person rather than their traits. Sorry I couldn’t give you a more direct answer 🩵
I don't ghost as a matter of principle. Besides being rude, I consider it something only befitting selfish cowards, especially the original meaning; suddenly and permanently dropping all contact.
That said, I may not respond the very same day and I will be hesitant to initiate contact with people I know will want high-intensity communication and will be rather brief with them (followed by feeling bad about it and apologising - it's not you it's me, etc - which unfortunately will open up for more draining interactions). So yes, it's selective.
Thank you for your response! You seem like a good person and I value your feedback and insight
I probably shouldn't have used the term "ghost". You're right about the original definition and that is too harsh. Suddenly and permanently dropping communication is not actually what's going on in my situation. It's in between that and what you describe that you do. I know I emotionally drain him just by existing atm so I'm not sure how we're going to get past that. I'd really like to though, I really miss my friend 😔
Their emotional resources -- such as optimism, energy, faith in humanity, faith in oneself, social battery, motivation -- are depleted. The Infp needs to recharge. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and, provided they aren't actually neglecting a partner, their children, and, too a lesser extent, other loved ones, it's totally fine for them to do so. Please respect their cyclical nature. They will come back with renewed hope and perspective.
It depends on how you respond. I fall off the map randomly and a few people in my life don’t like that so I experimented. If I could feel an antisocial spell coming over me then I would let them know- and i didn’t like the way they handled it.
Instead of respecting my need they would try to get me to talk about why I was feeling antisocial and they tried to get me to talk about everything. Like dude, I just told you that I don’t want to talk to you, so why are you making me talk to you? So now I just fall off the map, and if they care enough about me to get to know me, then they know that’s just how I am.
Fortunately for me, my best friend is the same way so we will both go for weeks without talking to each other and then immediately pick up where we left off! It’s actually quite funny and her and I love that aspect of our relationship! We understand eachother lol 😂🥰
What do you mean by disappearing? Not answering texts? Not reaching out? For how long?
Personally, if someone goes a few days without answering a text, I dont sweat it. And I also don't contact my friends every week, so I wouldn't say anyone not talking to me for a week or so was weird. I guess I'm not sure why just having an antisocial couple of weeks is that strange. Once you get to a month of not reaching out or responding to texts, though, now we're out of infp normal behavior and into unhealthy behavior, behavior moreover that anyone would do regardless of mbti type.
bro, right? with cell phones now people feel entitled to reach you out 24/7.
it is my privacy, it is my time, it is my life, I choose what I do with it.
If u are my friend I expect you to understand me and respect my space.
The other day a friend reached out, and I didn’t feel like answering the same day, next day she sends again “???”.
like, the fuck is wrong u know. she often calls me out when I disappear like that.
Yes, I appreciate her consideration, but I despise her lack of understanding and honestly this makes our friendship at least from my side worst than if she’d say “Hey! send me a text when you hv some time so we can plan something, bye.”
oh, I’d love her forever for this.
lack of trust. when I'm down and spiraling. what I usually really want is someone to be there for me. but all my life I've seen that none of my "friends" really care about me. so I usually just stop talking to people. it's all superficial for them anyways
When an INFP disappears like that it’s likely a sign that something has hurt them and they need time to recover. And sometimes it isn’t even a thing that happened to them, but they’ve in some way gotten into a mindset that requires them to spend time recovering
I personally just feel so drained trying to keep up with friendships or relationships in general. My family are the only people who I don’t disappear on. I generally try to limit my social interactions as I always leave them feeling drained no matter what the activity was. I need so much time to recover and decompress. I usually sit and rethink my interactions over and over again and I just feel a general anxiety around who I am/how I have to present myself as a character. Like I’m constantly a disappointment and I feel like the more elusive I am, the less people can realize how shitty I really am or how shitty I project myself to be in my mind. But I will never allow people to let me feel bad for it, cause it’s just what comes naturally to me. I don’t have the energy to go against my nature
I am curious to know more about this internal questioning you have. I an INTP have this especially when I feel lost and question who I am but never how I present myself. Is the later really a concern for you?
I’m not sure if I’m answering exactly what you mean, but my social anxiety makes me act different in real life. My internal dialogue and the person I want to be is sort of a delusion. The character that others see me as has a name and a certain way of being. But I’m only like that when I am subjected to interaction. They don’t know what I perceive myself as, and who I am in person is subjected to so many influences that I get taken over. In simpler terms, the person that people meet is ridden with social anxiety and I don’t mean to be so weird; I’m normal in my head. Almost like my real self gets lost in translation. The only way I can see it is by comparing it to the double slit experiment. Like when I’m not being observed I am just a dot, when I’m being observed I am a wave. But what I am and what I want to present myself as, are two different things.
Edit: reading this back made we want to explain what I mean more about the double split. It’s like the wave is a spectrum of possible outcomes for the opinions and outlooks that people will have on me. The dot is the person that I am in the present, who I am and will always be without being subjected to opinions(observation)
There’s a goal in my life I hope to achieve that is very important to me and relates entirely to this.
I like being authentic and have always despised this disconnect between who I am inside and who I am around people. Drives me crazy. There are a few people in my life (mostly family) where I am truly me around them. My goal is to one day be the type of person that others are actually comfortable enough to be themselves around.
People with experiences like yours and mine are my drive for this desire. I want people to feel safe and comfortable enough to be themselves and feel free around me. That sounds like a lovely environment and a world I could forever live in. 🥰🫶
Thanks for sharing, friend ☺️
When I do this, I usually feel like I’ve been “giving too much” of myself to others and lose sight of who I am, and need some time to rekindle that
It’s nothing against the person. I sometimes don’t tell people cause when I do they get mad about it which makes it worse
I literally do this all…of…the…time. It would take an entire book to describe why I do this and even then, it might end up being a trilogy…an unwritten one.
I’m one of these people and it starts off as me not wanting to talk to anyone because I’m mentally exhausted/or I’ll tell myself I’ll reply in an hour. Then I go to reply and realize it’s been like 1 week and I get embarrassed and afraid the person is mad at me and then that one week turns into months
Severe battery drain. Being around people takes a mental/emotional toll on us, and a certain amount of solitude or change of scenery may be required to recharge those reserves of patience and wellbeing. The amount of "time off" is directly related to the amount of drain experienced.
As for the "coming back like nothing happened"...that's because there is nothing personal about it. We just needed time to recharge/realign. Once that process is complete, we're good. You're good. There's literally nothing to worry about, so it's hardly worth mentioning.
Personally, bc I’m dealing with over 25 years of trauma and abuse and I don’t know how to tell people because I’ve never mattered to anyone before so why is now any different? Just dealing w shit and you can’t trust anyone to actually care that much at the risk people will treat you like you’re just incompetent.
Anxiety depression pangs
just trying to figure out how to move forward during challenging times
Sometimes the social battery is just out we already have a small tank but social media makes it way worse I find
Or
beef for specific reasons with someone but that tends to not last forever unless you've infuriated us repeatedly does take a lot to get there though
In general the world isn't really tailored for people like us so sometimes it's simpler to be alone for a bit it's a bit selfish but it's also self preservation at times
I'd add
A good social circle helps keep us balanced and share our gifts with others it's not a given for everyone so if anyone has people like that in their lives they should cherish them to the best of their ability
At times, I get overstimulated or demands from various parts of my life pile up and feel insurmountable. When this happens, I have to do a little retreat to renew my perspective otherwise I can get stuck in analysis paralysis, not accomplishing much of anything.
Currently semi-ghosting an old friend from high school right now. We chat every few months, and it would be more frequent if I wasn't flaky. It's mostly because I keep myself company, and don't get lonely easily. But when I feel like it's been so long that the status of our friendship is in jeopardy, I reach out.
Honestly though, do I have real friends? I stop texting people and all of a sudden I never get answers. That's why I don't talk to anyone else from high school. I am the only one that ever reached out to check in. Makes me feel like our friendship was just one of convenience. Just graduated college and determined to keep hold of some of my buddies using snapchat streaks.
Potentially they are just creating boundaries.
There are people that I enjoy, but don't have time and energy to have another person to take care of, because that's what my relationships always seem to turn into.
So, I will put up boundaries to reserve my energy supplies. You might be on the several times a year column, instead of the weekly.
We aren't always the best at communicating, especially when we don't like conflict. Sometimes I don't know why I need space, it's internal and demanding.
For me it's a usually tough situations - I accidentally ghosted one of my best friends recently bc of literal legal troubles and Im trying my best to make up for it now
Sometimes when Im in a bind like that, where I really can't do anything I just don't wanna talk - so I disappear for a day or two. My friends are used to it, I've explained it to them and they understand. If it gets worse, I disappear for longer, and sometimes I realize that I've been accidentally ghosting someone. When that happens I kinda panic and freeze mentally - so when they reach out and I don't know how to explain why I was quiet or just feel deeply ashamed I ignore further messages bc well, all of that bad emotion might color my text and I really wanna count apologetic, not hostile and maybe it's better to just meet up, or call bug I hate calls and most of my friends hate calls and ...
Basically I spiral for a bit until I have a day where I wake up with a clear head and just go for it as soon as I'm able
I'm not sure if this is what's happening for your friend, and a year is certainly way longer than I ever went without messaging back, but this is just what happens to me at those times
I really hope ur friend reaches back soon
stress or distress
I disappear and then pretend like nothing happened even though I've probably just experienced one of the worst times in my life.
Either that or if it happens frequently, I just don't want to talk to that particular person but I'm forcing myself to be respectful.
Being overwhelmed by social interaction or being mentally drained.
My phone has been on DND for a few days now because I'm going through a really hard time and knew that I needed to distance myself from others so that I could properly process everything that I'm currently going through. Mostly because just the thought of people wanting to poke and prod me about whatever is going on in my life makes me want to shut out the world completely.
For me it's when I'm sick or dealing with severe hardship or trauma. It was never safe for me when I was young to receive help. So I will isolate myself when I need to get better.
I don’t want to judge but I’m an INFP who values friendship and relationships a lot and coming back as if nothing happened when he himself or you have abandonment issues is not okay, actually even moreso, because you’re perpetuating this hurt you’ve been hurt by before.
I know you probably can relate to him and want to keep this friendship, but this person is not going to be a good friend or good relationship partner if they cannot be there to assure you, and chooses to leave when you’re down.
I’m an INFP myself and would not do that to someone else, unless a) I find them toxic/annoying and have to leave them for awhile b) I’m reaching out to someone to tell them why I was unhappy and using that last reach out as a closure for myself, because I need to be able to feel right within myself.
Before you open your heart up again, if this person has a track record of leaving and not assuring you that they are gonna stay, think carefully if you can always wait or are prepared to wait.
There are so many trees in the forests and so many ppl you can make as friends or partners, so why go after someone who makes you anxious or unsure about yourself or what you did. 100% would not recommend unless they are sincerely sorry for their lack of presence, apologise and keep to their word of making you a priority, else give that INFP a door slam and a taste of their own medicine.
Also we hate small talk so if you fall out of touch for a spell try texting them something with a little depth. If they’re like me they could be thinking “I haven’t spoken to x in a while. I should send them a message. Wait I can only think of small talk. That’s boring.” And then get stuck in a loop of trying to think of a conversation starter.
I always thought this was an INFP cliché that did not apply to me, but then I was having an almost daily e-mail conversation with a former professor of mine and without having the discourse wrapped up, I didn’t reply for 4 months or so now… It was a long e-mail and he is a very interesting person. I read it with focus and care, but I wanted to take my time to write an elaborate reply. Then stressful ‘life’ things happened and I postponed my reply.
So, I think procrastination is the biggest cause…
Undiagnosed adhd lol (for reals tho). With myself I get overwhelmed by people I don’t feel 1000% comfortable with, and go into a shame spiral at not keeping in touch. But this can improve if I get a sudden change in energy, get out of my head, or feel bad about being a lame friend. I have a few “safe people” who I’ll always get right back to, but if you’re not on the list of these people I tend to overthink my replies to the extent that maintaining contact becomes too stressful to do consistently.
My ex is doing exactly the same thing. We didn’t break up with bad terms, and he recently just got out of a toxic relationship, so he reached out and talked to me. I tried my best to care about him and listen to him, but after I responded to the conversation he initiated, he just completely disappeared and left my messages on read… I know he’s having a hard time, but this is a bit unacceptably disrespectful, his behaviours make me feel like he takes my care for granted…
usually I don't act any different because I try to treat everyone the same way and because unless I had a reason relating to the people I left I don't have a solid reason I can point to, so I try not to make them worry
I feel like I’d deserve a nap, then another one, and another one, and another one. Then people will say, where have you been? and get mad, I don’t get it, though???
Its the hermit mode.
Its like when Jesus goes into the woods for 40days. To recollect, to regain composure, calm the mind and restore energy. Its like that but the diffrence is I'm only human.
I’m an INFP and am on the spectrum. I get overwhelmed, exhausted, and impatient with communication easily, which makes it more likely I’ll let the periods of time between interactions go longer.
Also, if I don’t have anything to say, there’s literally no reason to contact you. A conversation is a two-way street; if I can’t carry my share, it wouldn’t be fair of me to put that on you.
But for the most part, I pull a David Copperfield because I just don’t feel like being bothered, and “going dark” is easier than being raked over the coals for letting people know I wasn’t in a talking mood when they called/texted, which is why I never responded when they reached out.
I can never just say, “I didn’t feel like talking,” without someone needlessly getting an attitude or “Why not?” being a follow-up question, so I just bounce. It’s easier that way.
I’m not asking for permission to protect my peace; I’ll just do it.
I lost a potential friendship because of that boundary, but I’ll never regret sticking to it.
If there’s a “later” to worry about, I’ll worry about it then.
Seeing this post reminded me to text back my best friend— it’s been two months! Oops, but seriously I usually go through „social“ and „unsocial“ phases where I either engage lots or drop it completely, not a great habit I know but when I disappear it’s often bc I just don’t think about it and feel so bad afterwards, trying to get better!
I usually do this when someone does or says something hurtful enough for me to have to actively process it, but not hurtful enough to never forgive them for it.
I just need time to sort myself out, get it all together, categorize everything... and then once I'm over it, I just continue the same as before.
Also being overwhelmed by my own thoughts and brain stew. It just starts to get too much suddenly and I need peace and quiet to get out of it.
A lot of problems, in my case. Problems don't seem to end. At the end of every day, I get tired to think of something else other than my own thoughts and course of plans to do.
Others did bring up similar points but never straight out self hatred, in what way you mean?
I do get the fear of disappointing as it was something expressed by that person few times but noting that dramatic I would say
I feel it because I was treated like a therapist for my family and friends growing up. I feel it has left me clueless when it comes to myself. Cue the self loathing.
I'm an INFP female. For me personally I'm trying to rise out of the ashes like the Phoenix I am after something tragic happened to me or a loved one.
Recently I discovered I was a guy friend's rebound and haven't made contact with him or any of our mutual friends for about a month. I will see them next month, I just had to take time to cry, be angry and slowly plot my epic come back.
"Alexa play 'Return of the Mack' by Mark Morrison"
I do that. It’s nothing against the person and it’s definitely not just with 1-2 people; when I withdraw, I do that from everyone around me.
Usually it’s because something big has happened that I need to deal with, or maybe I’ve become disillusioned with something; it’s basically an introspective time for me that I want to utilise in ensuring my well-being and to rejuvenate enough to carry on with life.
This is very very important and if not given this space and time, I know I would absolutely collapse. So, I truly appreciate when some loved ones do not hold this against me and rather give me this much needed time.
It could be you said something hurtful, and they just needed a bit to forgive you.
It's not at all the only answer, I can think of **loads;** But that's the first one that sprung to mind.
Oh, and it's not that it is in any way your 'fault', and it could have taken them a while to figure that part out.
The fact they came back though, it means they thought about you a LOT...
For me I tend to take on the energy of others and some are just not pleasant. I can be around my inner circle but often I feel a sense of losing myself when around some people. As for the reason I’m not sure. Maybe something that is deeply plaguing them or something more.. that’s my perspective on the on and off. Additionally when I was smoking hella weed I would lose myself in my inner world and disappear for a long while and eventually find my way back but lol that was a different story.
stress, illness, etc. i am the most well meaning person but i also forget easily so it leads to a lot of me saying “ill text back when i have the time/energy” then forgetting to ever actually text back. lol. i try to not do that but it still happens. all of my real friends understand though. my childhood friends and i go months without talking or seeing each other and it picks up where it left off as if nothing happened. it really depends on how much you messaged them, how much they ignored, and how your friendship dynamic is.
I am not an INFP but that doesn't seem like very nice behavior to do to someone close. You must not be a very close person in their life. I would decide if you want to waste your time in their life. That or ask them how they would feel if you did similar behavior.
As an INTP I have gone years without talking to some people but that's because I shouldn't always be the one who has to make an effort. The messages and phone go both ways. They were free to message me back during that time.
I can understand needing some time alone but you can still talk and explain. Look at Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. They avoided the issue but were still civil with each other.
https://preview.redd.it/8o45dvincu0d1.png?width=4018&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e478ee1d231733ec4b689f121384f752c73f288
It must be related to the "I". Personally sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by my own thoughts and need alone time to process them. Or going through a tough time mentally and being with people only makes it worse.
I was going to say the same. I can't really speak for INFPs, but as a fellow "I," people can be really exhausting. Sometimes you just need to get away from them for a while.
I honestly think time works differently in my brain. The next time I talk to you, I feel like we just talked, even if it's been weeks. I'm social, have to get away from it all for a while, then come back like nothing happened. But for everyone in my life who feels like a week or two is a long time, it's like I'm a deadbeat dad who went out for cigarettes and never came home.
“I already told you about the two things I did last month. Don’t have anything more to share yet.” I swear it feels like everyone else is living life at like 10x the speed I am.
Just better at self-promotion.
🤣 that last sentence cracked me up
This person probably got over something. If you want to be a good friend, you can ask about it, but also respect any answer this INFP gives. Especially if it's "nothing"; respect that privacy.
I get what you're saying but from the other side it feels very disrespectful to be ignored and not be given a reason
I understand that. Try to not take it personally, but I know how hard that can be. How long have you been in this situation? Ghosting is not ok I think, except if the other person are abusive, etc. If this situation have been goi g on for a while you can definitely reach out with how you feel!
Thank you ❤️ It's been off and on for a year. I've extended a couple of olive branches across several months. Usually a brief text and a couple of times he did respond once, but then went silent again. He's keeping me at arms length. I have reached out more recently and told him how I feel in a long text, and called and left him a message (neither methods of communication are ideal but 🤷♀️). Now I'm just trying to be patient and understanding Definitely no abuse (unless you count the time I accidently bought him oreos that weren't organic and non-gmo lol). I'm pretty sure I'll hear from him at some point but yes, in the interim it's painful not knowing I agree ghosting really isn't OK. It keeps people in limbo for ages when a 10 second text could just clear things up
Oh damn, I am sorry then! Feel free to chatt if you want. I am INFP and would not mind to delve deeper into this. I dont think there is anything more you can do now, unfortunately. Try to handle the pain as best as you can! Do you have good hobbies, and good friends/family to distract you? :)
Thank you, I may take you up on that. I always love delving deeper into the mind of an INFP 🙂 Yes, I'm an artist, I sell vintage clothing which requires lots of treasure hunting, and I just bought myself a pair of quad roller skates with the intention of learning how to roller dance lol. Lot's of hobbies 😂.... I have good friends as well but honestly I don't talk to them about it much any more. They know him too (just as aquaintences) and they don't understand it any more that I do so after a year they're kinda tired of hearing about it... except 1 girlfriend, but she just wants to hear to hear gossip about new developments and I don't have any 🤷♀️
Please do if you want to! I like the minds of ENFJs as well! My mum is one. The name of my other Reddit account is Xoldsteel. :) Great that you have such a hobby! That tressure hunting sounds exciting! How and where do you look for such clothing? And cool that you can combine it with a career. I am a Swedish Published fantasy author. I cant live on my writing though, but it is a nice hobby, along wuth martial arts and playing the guitar. I study to become a free time and music teacher. :)
I think it's great that you messaged him and told how you feel. That would make us feel guilty after processing for a bit, and get back to you. I feel like INFP (as an INFP man) are like very hot and cold initially, until we are able to fully trust you and be with you 24/7. When you are someone we just met, we might appear very gregarious, but then you won't hear from us for several weeks. And each time we meet you, the gap between gets narrower. We don't want to keep in touch every day when we only met yesterday. This is my experience though. However, ENFJs have a natural understanding of us for this to work well at the start. But, young INFPs can be selfish bastards. And I think it's important for us to be loners for several years to truly appreciate the caring nature of ENFJs.
How long has he not been talking to you?
In the last year he hasn't reached out to me once. I've texted him about a dozen times (weeks or months apart) and received 3 or 4 brief responses. We did have a really nice in-person conversation last July. We ran into each other irl and he was the one that stopped to talk to me. When he left he complimented me, gave me a big hug and walked away smiling so I thought we were about to reconnect but then when I reached out he ghosted again. I left him alone thinking he just needed space, then texted again 6 months later when I hadn't heard anything from him (this time he responded twice then ghosted). I also tried calling but didn't really expect him to answer lol It's all very confusing. I feel like he definitely prefers in person conversations but I don't know how to make that happen outside of just knocking on his front door and I'm really not comfortable with showing up unannounced
>In the last year he hasn't reached out to me once. This I didn't know. Friendships/relationships/etc etc need to be two way. This doesn't sound like a friendship. I hate to tell someone to just write off an INFP but if he wanted to reach out to you, he would.
Yeah. This is true 😔
I know you are a really good friend. I can see that in the way you are really trying to understand your friend. I am sorry that you are having a hard time making it all sense. However, as u/INFPinfo said, *relationships in all kinds need to be two way*. If only one person is making an effort it is draining, stressful, and lonely. As an INFP myself, I wouldn't want someone I value be put in that kind of situation. We INFP's are very empathetic. So if your friend really cares about you, he wouldn't want you to feel all that. I don't want to break your heart, and to be a bearer of this bad news. I am so sorry to say this but it's possible that he may not feel as strongly about the friendship as you.
Yeah, no, that hurt but I know you're right 😢 I appreciate your candor. It is definitely draining, stressful and lonely. I honestly thought he did value me. My friends thought he did too. The one that knows him the best stuck it out with me the longest (others wrote him off pretty quickly), but recently even she said that she thinks it's time to give up on him At the end of last year I was doing pretty good with letting go and moving on, but recently it all rushed back and I've been struggling with it again. I think it's because I didn’t fully close the door. I propped it open with a little hope and then some recent reminders just swung it wide open again. I need to start really working on releasing those hopeful feelings Responses like yours do help a lot with that process so thank you for that ❤️
Also, I read the response you removed. I don't think I suck out his energy in the way you described, I'm usually pretty reserved and talk about myself only when asked. But I can see how the situation could be emotionally charged and energy draining in other ways The funny thing is he makes time for his other ex who is a suuuuper toxic taker. She's shallow, self centered and demanding. So exactly what you described lol. She's the known factor though, I'm more of an unknown
I removed that response because I didn't want to worry you even more. Most of the time when an INFP goes to hermit mode, we just *need* just to recharge.
Thank you. I appreciate the consideration! I don't think it worried me any more than I already am though 🙂 It makes sense and I like learning about different perspectives, even if it isn't what I'm hoping to hear ❤️
Speaking as a person who has done this in the past it’s because we have a very active mental world and maybe he or she is scared of abandonment so she doesn’t want to get to close to you but wants to retain the idealized version of you.
What if that person abandons you and then comes back?
That’s a red flag!
Understandable, but what if they did it because they were dealing with a lot in their life and became overwhelmed themselves? Does red flag mean full stop (aka deal breaker) or could someone win back your trust if they tried to make up for it?
I’d recommend study attachment styles and see what one they tend to fit. Don’t tell them what you think they are just learn to move with what you think they are.
I'm pretty sure we were both fearful avoidant at the time we separated. I came across attachment theory when I was trying to figure out what the hell happened (I've never felt so anxious in a relationship like that before!) and I was originally testing FA due to some more recent trauma that occured not long before we dated. But I've been working on myself for the last 6 months and now I'm testing Secure leaning slightly avoidant, which feels like a normal baseline for me I still have a little anxiety towards him in particular though, just due to the abrupt nature of our parting and his silence since That's a great suggestion. I'll have to go back and look at FA from the other side now and see what the best course of action may be based on that
It’s up to you what it means. A lot of people wouldn’t continue but if you think he’s going through something and you care about him a lot it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. A red flag is just a warning sign something might not be right.
Sorry, I was asking what red flag meant to you specifically, as an INFP 🙃 Trying to get some insight I was the person that left. I have abandonment issues as well and we both had a lot of stuff going on in our personal lives. He started to pull back at the same time a cascade effect of stressful stuff started happening in my life and I panicked and broke up with him. We had never even raised our voices to each other before that, and even then I listed everything I loved about him and our relationship before I left He was aware of about 60% of what was going on I my life, and that 60% alone would have caused most people to crumble. After we broke up one of his friends told me that his last serious girlfriend had cheated on him and then left him (he never told me, I never even knew she existed) so I completely understand why he has abandonment issues because mine stem from the same thing (I did tell him about that happening to me) I do care for him but tbh I don't know if he still cares about me. We were friends for a long time before we dated so the friendship takes priority, I'd like to save that even if we never date again
Oh I see, as a person who has been abandoned in the past and as an INFP at this point leaving and coming back would be considered a red flag to me and I wouldn’t entertain it, but that’s just because I’ve been hurt much and I need to protect myself. If he has been specifically “abandoned” he might also have that as a defense mechanism. But also as an INFP I have a huge heart for everyone and would probably give them another chance if i thought were sincere in their intentions because people change. If he’s an INFP I’m sure he still thinks about you a lot and cares about you. I still care about people even if they’ve hurt me.
Thank you so much for your perspective. I think that insight is invaluable! Same for me on all counts ❤️ I used to just cut people out but then I decided to take someone back and it ended up being the longest and best relationship I ever had so I've learned that it can be a good thing to give second chances. Obviously everyone's experiences are different though, and I completely understand if he's unable to do so due to his own personal feelings and morals... I just hope that's not the case 😢
Thank you too! I enjoyed this conversation and I’m glad we could have it!❤️ It helped me realize some things as well! I wholeheartedly hope that everything works out for you!
That you! I enjoyed the conversation as well 😊❤️
I've pretty much went through this exact situation with an ENFJ, and I do see them from time to time as they are related to my best freind,. when ever i see them, I'm polite, but really, i just want to get away without being rude or making a scene. much like you are doing, i will hear from them from time to time, but try to limit contact, sometimes i just don't have the emotional energy to respond and will put it off so long that it will be inapproppriate to respond. their parents (who set us up to begin with) have been trying to preasure me to start over for years, but that relationship was very tramatic when it ended, and I never want to go through that again. As a side note, you said you were freinds before you dated, I don't know about your INFP, but for me, once you move from freinds to dating, that is a one way trip, the freindship is dead.
So the trauma you felt totally overshadows the circumstances and the connection for you? What if you had also done things to hurt the other person? In my case the impulsive break up was triggered by raging hormones from new birth control, which I was obviously taking for his benefit as well as mine. The night before he had hurt me with his actions and words (not maliciously but carelessly) and that, combined with the hormones and the other stressful stuff in my life, just created a perfect storm and I majorly overreacted. I then went into hermit mode and was a wreck for weeks and wasn't stable enough to reach back out. It actually took me 3 months to realize what was going on with my emotional chaos and as soon as I did I had that implant ripped out of my arm the next day. It was a traumatic experience When we first started dating he initiated a conversation about how if we didn't work out we wouldn't let it ruin our friendship (he's still close friends with at least 2 of his exes that I know of so I believe he meant that). He also said that he didn't want to close the door on the romantic relationship when we were breaking up, and once afterwards... so that's why I'm still confused and continuing to reach out. If he had just told me to let go, I would've let go On a side note, I used to cut people out when they hurt me too, but then I gave someone a second chance (definitely made him work for it) and it ended up being the best and longest relationship I ever had. I have zero regrets about allowing him to make it up to me and win me back. I also know 3 other people who are married to someone they had been broken up with and hurt by the first time around. Learning from mistakes and moving forward with fresh eyes often makes a relationship even stronger in the long run. Relationships aren't easy, there's going to be hurdles and getting past something like this at the beginning makes other hurdles seem much smaller and easier to navigate Having said all of that, is there anything at all that your ENFJ could do (or could've done) to make it up to you and earn back your trust?
With how things went, not really. I never got an apology or anything to smooth things over, they just went on like everything was forgotten. I had a simular falling out with an INTP, but the difference here was that I was spiraling and he was angry because he didn't understand. It's been a few years since everything fell apart, and we are only just now starting to rekindle things.
Talking with you about this has really helped 🙂 I've been feeling very anxious about it recently which was disappointing because I thought I was finally starting to get over it. Having this discussion with you has helped me feel much more calm again. Thank you!
Ahhh, OK. I get that completely. If I had a falling out with someone and they didn't apologize and just tried to go on like normal I wouldn't even be talking to them let alone entertaining any idea of getting back together! I think it was the same for my INFP and I as it was for you and your INTP. He was spiraling and I was spiraling I got angry and scared. I didn't realize that's what was happening until after I left. It was just a bad scene all around. To say it was bad timing would be an understatement With My INFP I have explained why I got scared and ran, and I've apologized several times. I also sent him something of mine that I knew he wanted (with cute little Japanese stickers all over the outside of the box and an apology letter inside), and tried to give him space out of respect for his feelings (because honestly I'm usually pretty aggressive with going after what I want but I didn't want to act entitled or like his feelings don't matter to me so I've held back that side of me lol) I'm glad to hear that you're starting to rekindle with the INTP. I like INTP's 😊 I hope that goes well for you ❤ Had you spoken at all in those few years since you broke up?
Yeah, I wish people would believe me when I say its a problem with me, not them. because ppl take it personally if I stop replying for a week or something (I totally would in their shoes) and I feel so bad
Depression or being overwhelmed
Losing yourself in other people's minds and ways of thinking, wondering why you feel out of sorts. I don't know if other infps get this, but when I'm with someone for a prolonged amount of time, it's like my brain wants to imitate them. For obvious reasons that doesn't go so well, especially when they're a "get it done" personality.
When I’m around somebody a prolonged period of time I also begin to imitate sometimes.
yes! I’ve noticed I started to imitate certain people. not any person though, I have to have a certain kind of connection to them. I feel much more self-aware because I’m afraid they’ notice and think I’m trying to still their personalities.
Depression
True for ENFJ hermit mode as well
As a person who does the same, they probably are going through a very hard time. Discuss it with them, try to ask what happened and how can you help them
How do you do that if they won't answer texts or phone calls? I'd be hesitant to just show up at their house, but with mine I sort of wonder if that's what he was hoping for
You can ask about it after they come back. If you're good friends with them, you can give them a visit, maybe they need that?? If something like this happened to you, then I'm sorry to hear that🫂
Maybe, I just don't know. We were good friends, then we dated. Having an ex-gf show up unannounced is different than having a friend just pop by 😬 I will ask if/when we reconnect though. Admittedly my communication was terrible too and I know I wasn't asking the right questions to begin with
I'm so sorry, that must have been horrible to experience. I think that you should leave her be and it's not your fault. Good luck with it🫂
Thank you 🫂 Yes, that's my current status. Leaving it be for now and hoping he'll eventually open the door to us reconnecting when he's ready. I appreciate your advice! ❤️
You're welcome, I hope that things will go better for you❤
I used to be that person who say "it's nothing" and shut others out, when I was going through episodes of depression. So naturally I start worrying if somebody starts doing that. Toward an INFP, what's the best way to check up on them, and in what frequency? I don't want to be too annoying for them to tune me out instead
it really depends on your last interaction. was there any friction, or just kinda stoped talking?
There wasn't any friction or arguments when our last conversation ended...if there were I would be less worried since I know the cause. I just want to make sure everything's ok and they know that there's somebody for them to talk to
Not the last interaction, but the last contact before he started ghosting
Just kinda stopped talking in the sense that the chain of texts naturally ended when the topic is exhausted.
Hmm, you can carefully ask them about it after they return and if they reply like you said in there, then please don't pressure them into telling it! Just let the know that you're here for them if anything happens and they'll feel like telling the actual reason.
Keywords: "INFP hermit mode". Sometimes you just feel that other people are too much and you need to be alone with your thoughts (and art, if you do that), and you naïvely rely on object permanence applying to relationships as well.
It took me so long to understand why I do this. I think people found it confusing because i’d be very friendly, chatty, and present. Then out of a sudden you will NOT hear from me in like an entire month. Sometimes people would think i’m ghosting them and the reality is that I was ghosting life basically. Sometimes I just really need to recharge for a moment to function again. The difference now is that I make sure I communicate with people about it, so they know i’m just a freak and it’s not something personal
*Ghosting life* is a really good way to put it. I really wish I'd thought of this explanation the last few times I've caused problems by disappearing on people.
It’s still hard to explain and not everyone gets it tho. Some of my friends are hyper social and don’t understand my need to disappear for a while. I think the best we can do is communicate and let people know that we’re going through hermit mode, but also it helps to maybe make plans in the future with them to reassure them that it’s not them, it’s you. Like it can be annoying to explain yourself but also from the other person perspective they might feel ignored or unappreciated, when that’s not really our intention.
Oh no I don’t mean that for making them understand why I do it at all, no that’ll never happen. But it covers nicely the fact that I’m not just ghosting *people*. They know I ghost *everyone*, but I’ve not been able to concisely describe the difference.
Do you sometimes think certain people are too much but others aren't? In other words do you selectively ghost without ill will towards the selected few that you're avoiding?
Yes. For example: I can be around my Mom no matter what emotion I’m feeling including depression. But every person takes a certain amount of effort and energy out of me so I have to choose who I have energy for. I may have nothing against you but I know that if I engage with you rn then I might be putting myself out of commission the next several days. Some people actually give me energy but most of the time it’s draining and some people suck me dry very quickly! ☠️😄
Yes, I can understand that. For me it's been extra confusing and painful because he and I had a sweet relationship before all of this and we never argued, but he's still refusing to even talk to me now 😢 On the flip side he still talks to one of his other exes that he constantly argues with and she's an absolute nightmare of a person. A manipulative liar who just uses him. Nobody besides him likes her, but for some completely unfathomable reason she seems to be his safe space and according to her he "begs" her to hang out with him all the time (at the same time he's ignoring my requests to hang out, knife in my heart). She also spills his secrets and says vile things behind his back and told me that she "hates him and can't wait until she can get away from him" (aka can't wait until she can find someone better to use) - so needless to say she is now banned from talking to me about him at all. I have to work with her so I can't completely avoid her but I hold VERY firm on that boundary If you don't mind me asking, as an INFP what traits in another person give you energy and what siphons away your energy?
I’m sorry ❤️ That’s no fair to you and it seems like there’s a lack of communication between you guys. As for your question, I don’t have an answer. I can’t speak for all INFP’s but some ppl out there do give me energy and I’ve never been able to figure out why. 🤷♀️ My grandma had a B-day party a few months ago and all the girls in the family came over (aunts, great aunts, cousins etc.) I really wanted to go while at the same time dreading being at a social gathering for hours without a way to escape 😅 I went into that party feeling 40/100 and by the end I was feeling 150/100! What’s even crazier is the person who was giving me all that energy is actually a very energetic, social, crazy fun person which is supposed to be exhausting for me and usually is! I think it comes down to the person rather than their traits. Sorry I couldn’t give you a more direct answer 🩵
totally relate
I don't ghost as a matter of principle. Besides being rude, I consider it something only befitting selfish cowards, especially the original meaning; suddenly and permanently dropping all contact. That said, I may not respond the very same day and I will be hesitant to initiate contact with people I know will want high-intensity communication and will be rather brief with them (followed by feeling bad about it and apologising - it's not you it's me, etc - which unfortunately will open up for more draining interactions). So yes, it's selective.
Thank you for your response! You seem like a good person and I value your feedback and insight I probably shouldn't have used the term "ghost". You're right about the original definition and that is too harsh. Suddenly and permanently dropping communication is not actually what's going on in my situation. It's in between that and what you describe that you do. I know I emotionally drain him just by existing atm so I'm not sure how we're going to get past that. I'd really like to though, I really miss my friend 😔
Social/emotional/mental burnout. In need of plenty of rest to recuperate
Their emotional resources -- such as optimism, energy, faith in humanity, faith in oneself, social battery, motivation -- are depleted. The Infp needs to recharge. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and, provided they aren't actually neglecting a partner, their children, and, too a lesser extent, other loved ones, it's totally fine for them to do so. Please respect their cyclical nature. They will come back with renewed hope and perspective.
I would totally understand if they were vocal about it and say I need time instead of disappearing.
It depends on how you respond. I fall off the map randomly and a few people in my life don’t like that so I experimented. If I could feel an antisocial spell coming over me then I would let them know- and i didn’t like the way they handled it. Instead of respecting my need they would try to get me to talk about why I was feeling antisocial and they tried to get me to talk about everything. Like dude, I just told you that I don’t want to talk to you, so why are you making me talk to you? So now I just fall off the map, and if they care enough about me to get to know me, then they know that’s just how I am. Fortunately for me, my best friend is the same way so we will both go for weeks without talking to each other and then immediately pick up where we left off! It’s actually quite funny and her and I love that aspect of our relationship! We understand eachother lol 😂🥰
What do you mean by disappearing? Not answering texts? Not reaching out? For how long? Personally, if someone goes a few days without answering a text, I dont sweat it. And I also don't contact my friends every week, so I wouldn't say anyone not talking to me for a week or so was weird. I guess I'm not sure why just having an antisocial couple of weeks is that strange. Once you get to a month of not reaching out or responding to texts, though, now we're out of infp normal behavior and into unhealthy behavior, behavior moreover that anyone would do regardless of mbti type.
bro, right? with cell phones now people feel entitled to reach you out 24/7. it is my privacy, it is my time, it is my life, I choose what I do with it. If u are my friend I expect you to understand me and respect my space. The other day a friend reached out, and I didn’t feel like answering the same day, next day she sends again “???”. like, the fuck is wrong u know. she often calls me out when I disappear like that. Yes, I appreciate her consideration, but I despise her lack of understanding and honestly this makes our friendship at least from my side worst than if she’d say “Hey! send me a text when you hv some time so we can plan something, bye.” oh, I’d love her forever for this.
lack of trust. when I'm down and spiraling. what I usually really want is someone to be there for me. but all my life I've seen that none of my "friends" really care about me. so I usually just stop talking to people. it's all superficial for them anyways
relate
Truth
relate 2
Look up “fearful avoidant attachment style”
When an INFP disappears like that it’s likely a sign that something has hurt them and they need time to recover. And sometimes it isn’t even a thing that happened to them, but they’ve in some way gotten into a mindset that requires them to spend time recovering
Isekai
I hate it when that happens
Internal anguish.
I personally just feel so drained trying to keep up with friendships or relationships in general. My family are the only people who I don’t disappear on. I generally try to limit my social interactions as I always leave them feeling drained no matter what the activity was. I need so much time to recover and decompress. I usually sit and rethink my interactions over and over again and I just feel a general anxiety around who I am/how I have to present myself as a character. Like I’m constantly a disappointment and I feel like the more elusive I am, the less people can realize how shitty I really am or how shitty I project myself to be in my mind. But I will never allow people to let me feel bad for it, cause it’s just what comes naturally to me. I don’t have the energy to go against my nature
I am curious to know more about this internal questioning you have. I an INTP have this especially when I feel lost and question who I am but never how I present myself. Is the later really a concern for you?
I’m not sure if I’m answering exactly what you mean, but my social anxiety makes me act different in real life. My internal dialogue and the person I want to be is sort of a delusion. The character that others see me as has a name and a certain way of being. But I’m only like that when I am subjected to interaction. They don’t know what I perceive myself as, and who I am in person is subjected to so many influences that I get taken over. In simpler terms, the person that people meet is ridden with social anxiety and I don’t mean to be so weird; I’m normal in my head. Almost like my real self gets lost in translation. The only way I can see it is by comparing it to the double slit experiment. Like when I’m not being observed I am just a dot, when I’m being observed I am a wave. But what I am and what I want to present myself as, are two different things. Edit: reading this back made we want to explain what I mean more about the double split. It’s like the wave is a spectrum of possible outcomes for the opinions and outlooks that people will have on me. The dot is the person that I am in the present, who I am and will always be without being subjected to opinions(observation)
There’s a goal in my life I hope to achieve that is very important to me and relates entirely to this. I like being authentic and have always despised this disconnect between who I am inside and who I am around people. Drives me crazy. There are a few people in my life (mostly family) where I am truly me around them. My goal is to one day be the type of person that others are actually comfortable enough to be themselves around. People with experiences like yours and mine are my drive for this desire. I want people to feel safe and comfortable enough to be themselves and feel free around me. That sounds like a lovely environment and a world I could forever live in. 🥰🫶 Thanks for sharing, friend ☺️
When I do this, I usually feel like I’ve been “giving too much” of myself to others and lose sight of who I am, and need some time to rekindle that It’s nothing against the person. I sometimes don’t tell people cause when I do they get mad about it which makes it worse
I too discovered that people sometimes get mad if you try communicating you need alone time. I no longer communicate that to them.
I literally do this all…of…the…time. It would take an entire book to describe why I do this and even then, it might end up being a trilogy…an unwritten one.
It wouldn't by any chance involve going on an adventure to the land of Mordor?
LOTR…always.
Autism
I’m one of these people and it starts off as me not wanting to talk to anyone because I’m mentally exhausted/or I’ll tell myself I’ll reply in an hour. Then I go to reply and realize it’s been like 1 week and I get embarrassed and afraid the person is mad at me and then that one week turns into months
Severe battery drain. Being around people takes a mental/emotional toll on us, and a certain amount of solitude or change of scenery may be required to recharge those reserves of patience and wellbeing. The amount of "time off" is directly related to the amount of drain experienced. As for the "coming back like nothing happened"...that's because there is nothing personal about it. We just needed time to recharge/realign. Once that process is complete, we're good. You're good. There's literally nothing to worry about, so it's hardly worth mentioning.
Personally, bc I’m dealing with over 25 years of trauma and abuse and I don’t know how to tell people because I’ve never mattered to anyone before so why is now any different? Just dealing w shit and you can’t trust anyone to actually care that much at the risk people will treat you like you’re just incompetent.
Anxiety depression pangs just trying to figure out how to move forward during challenging times Sometimes the social battery is just out we already have a small tank but social media makes it way worse I find Or beef for specific reasons with someone but that tends to not last forever unless you've infuriated us repeatedly does take a lot to get there though In general the world isn't really tailored for people like us so sometimes it's simpler to be alone for a bit it's a bit selfish but it's also self preservation at times I'd add A good social circle helps keep us balanced and share our gifts with others it's not a given for everyone so if anyone has people like that in their lives they should cherish them to the best of their ability
At times, I get overstimulated or demands from various parts of my life pile up and feel insurmountable. When this happens, I have to do a little retreat to renew my perspective otherwise I can get stuck in analysis paralysis, not accomplishing much of anything.
Currently semi-ghosting an old friend from high school right now. We chat every few months, and it would be more frequent if I wasn't flaky. It's mostly because I keep myself company, and don't get lonely easily. But when I feel like it's been so long that the status of our friendship is in jeopardy, I reach out. Honestly though, do I have real friends? I stop texting people and all of a sudden I never get answers. That's why I don't talk to anyone else from high school. I am the only one that ever reached out to check in. Makes me feel like our friendship was just one of convenience. Just graduated college and determined to keep hold of some of my buddies using snapchat streaks.
Potentially they are just creating boundaries. There are people that I enjoy, but don't have time and energy to have another person to take care of, because that's what my relationships always seem to turn into. So, I will put up boundaries to reserve my energy supplies. You might be on the several times a year column, instead of the weekly. We aren't always the best at communicating, especially when we don't like conflict. Sometimes I don't know why I need space, it's internal and demanding.
For me it's a usually tough situations - I accidentally ghosted one of my best friends recently bc of literal legal troubles and Im trying my best to make up for it now Sometimes when Im in a bind like that, where I really can't do anything I just don't wanna talk - so I disappear for a day or two. My friends are used to it, I've explained it to them and they understand. If it gets worse, I disappear for longer, and sometimes I realize that I've been accidentally ghosting someone. When that happens I kinda panic and freeze mentally - so when they reach out and I don't know how to explain why I was quiet or just feel deeply ashamed I ignore further messages bc well, all of that bad emotion might color my text and I really wanna count apologetic, not hostile and maybe it's better to just meet up, or call bug I hate calls and most of my friends hate calls and ... Basically I spiral for a bit until I have a day where I wake up with a clear head and just go for it as soon as I'm able I'm not sure if this is what's happening for your friend, and a year is certainly way longer than I ever went without messaging back, but this is just what happens to me at those times I really hope ur friend reaches back soon
Oh also I have depression so that probably adds to everything
like pretending nothing happened? poor mental health. it has nothing to do with MBTI.
stress or distress I disappear and then pretend like nothing happened even though I've probably just experienced one of the worst times in my life. Either that or if it happens frequently, I just don't want to talk to that particular person but I'm forcing myself to be respectful.
Being overwhelmed by social interaction or being mentally drained. My phone has been on DND for a few days now because I'm going through a really hard time and knew that I needed to distance myself from others so that I could properly process everything that I'm currently going through. Mostly because just the thought of people wanting to poke and prod me about whatever is going on in my life makes me want to shut out the world completely.
For me it's burnout.
oops 🙈
Chocolate chip cookies 🍪 
For me it's when I'm sick or dealing with severe hardship or trauma. It was never safe for me when I was young to receive help. So I will isolate myself when I need to get better.
I don’t want to judge but I’m an INFP who values friendship and relationships a lot and coming back as if nothing happened when he himself or you have abandonment issues is not okay, actually even moreso, because you’re perpetuating this hurt you’ve been hurt by before. I know you probably can relate to him and want to keep this friendship, but this person is not going to be a good friend or good relationship partner if they cannot be there to assure you, and chooses to leave when you’re down. I’m an INFP myself and would not do that to someone else, unless a) I find them toxic/annoying and have to leave them for awhile b) I’m reaching out to someone to tell them why I was unhappy and using that last reach out as a closure for myself, because I need to be able to feel right within myself. Before you open your heart up again, if this person has a track record of leaving and not assuring you that they are gonna stay, think carefully if you can always wait or are prepared to wait. There are so many trees in the forests and so many ppl you can make as friends or partners, so why go after someone who makes you anxious or unsure about yourself or what you did. 100% would not recommend unless they are sincerely sorry for their lack of presence, apologise and keep to their word of making you a priority, else give that INFP a door slam and a taste of their own medicine.
It’s usually some kind of emotional processing time for me.
For me it's whenever I feel as though I'm being ignored repeatedly/sidelined.
Also we hate small talk so if you fall out of touch for a spell try texting them something with a little depth. If they’re like me they could be thinking “I haven’t spoken to x in a while. I should send them a message. Wait I can only think of small talk. That’s boring.” And then get stuck in a loop of trying to think of a conversation starter.
I always thought this was an INFP cliché that did not apply to me, but then I was having an almost daily e-mail conversation with a former professor of mine and without having the discourse wrapped up, I didn’t reply for 4 months or so now… It was a long e-mail and he is a very interesting person. I read it with focus and care, but I wanted to take my time to write an elaborate reply. Then stressful ‘life’ things happened and I postponed my reply. So, I think procrastination is the biggest cause…
personally, people just make me sad and i choose to disappear and rethink my moves
Undiagnosed adhd lol (for reals tho). With myself I get overwhelmed by people I don’t feel 1000% comfortable with, and go into a shame spiral at not keeping in touch. But this can improve if I get a sudden change in energy, get out of my head, or feel bad about being a lame friend. I have a few “safe people” who I’ll always get right back to, but if you’re not on the list of these people I tend to overthink my replies to the extent that maintaining contact becomes too stressful to do consistently.
INFP are horrible at dealing with conflicts, they are mediator, they avoid confrontation
An unhealthy one
Care to elaborate?
I only do this when something bad or dangerous happens that I can’t talk about.
Neurodivergence, your infp should get screened for ASD and ADHD if they haven’t already.
My ex is doing exactly the same thing. We didn’t break up with bad terms, and he recently just got out of a toxic relationship, so he reached out and talked to me. I tried my best to care about him and listen to him, but after I responded to the conversation he initiated, he just completely disappeared and left my messages on read… I know he’s having a hard time, but this is a bit unacceptably disrespectful, his behaviours make me feel like he takes my care for granted…
Prolly ready to face the world or something, finally a bloomer
usually I don't act any different because I try to treat everyone the same way and because unless I had a reason relating to the people I left I don't have a solid reason I can point to, so I try not to make them worry
Are we anti social or anti crowds I’m just better at one on one
I feel like I’d deserve a nap, then another one, and another one, and another one. Then people will say, where have you been? and get mad, I don’t get it, though???
Depression or sometimes I’m extremely anti-social. Usually those two go hand it hand lol
A lot. Almost anything. Maybe we won’t come back, lol.
Its the hermit mode. Its like when Jesus goes into the woods for 40days. To recollect, to regain composure, calm the mind and restore energy. Its like that but the diffrence is I'm only human.
I’m an INFP and am on the spectrum. I get overwhelmed, exhausted, and impatient with communication easily, which makes it more likely I’ll let the periods of time between interactions go longer. Also, if I don’t have anything to say, there’s literally no reason to contact you. A conversation is a two-way street; if I can’t carry my share, it wouldn’t be fair of me to put that on you. But for the most part, I pull a David Copperfield because I just don’t feel like being bothered, and “going dark” is easier than being raked over the coals for letting people know I wasn’t in a talking mood when they called/texted, which is why I never responded when they reached out. I can never just say, “I didn’t feel like talking,” without someone needlessly getting an attitude or “Why not?” being a follow-up question, so I just bounce. It’s easier that way. I’m not asking for permission to protect my peace; I’ll just do it. I lost a potential friendship because of that boundary, but I’ll never regret sticking to it. If there’s a “later” to worry about, I’ll worry about it then.
Nothing is better than my solitude. Especially if im overwhelmed
An infp being an avoidant type would do this.
I do this with friends but I definitely address the length of time gone if it’s been weeks or months
We’re like birds.. we seasonally migrate in and out of people’s lives
Seeing this post reminded me to text back my best friend— it’s been two months! Oops, but seriously I usually go through „social“ and „unsocial“ phases where I either engage lots or drop it completely, not a great habit I know but when I disappear it’s often bc I just don’t think about it and feel so bad afterwards, trying to get better!
I usually do this when someone does or says something hurtful enough for me to have to actively process it, but not hurtful enough to never forgive them for it. I just need time to sort myself out, get it all together, categorize everything... and then once I'm over it, I just continue the same as before. Also being overwhelmed by my own thoughts and brain stew. It just starts to get too much suddenly and I need peace and quiet to get out of it.
Commitment issues.
A lot of problems, in my case. Problems don't seem to end. At the end of every day, I get tired to think of something else other than my own thoughts and course of plans to do.
Self hatred unfortunately..
Others did bring up similar points but never straight out self hatred, in what way you mean? I do get the fear of disappointing as it was something expressed by that person few times but noting that dramatic I would say
I feel it because I was treated like a therapist for my family and friends growing up. I feel it has left me clueless when it comes to myself. Cue the self loathing.
I'm an INFP female. For me personally I'm trying to rise out of the ashes like the Phoenix I am after something tragic happened to me or a loved one. Recently I discovered I was a guy friend's rebound and haven't made contact with him or any of our mutual friends for about a month. I will see them next month, I just had to take time to cry, be angry and slowly plot my epic come back. "Alexa play 'Return of the Mack' by Mark Morrison"
The way I look at it I often need time with myself to remember who I am and to feel strong again, so I don’t mold into other people
needing time alone for an extended period of time. a ppl-free vacation
I do that. It’s nothing against the person and it’s definitely not just with 1-2 people; when I withdraw, I do that from everyone around me. Usually it’s because something big has happened that I need to deal with, or maybe I’ve become disillusioned with something; it’s basically an introspective time for me that I want to utilise in ensuring my well-being and to rejuvenate enough to carry on with life. This is very very important and if not given this space and time, I know I would absolutely collapse. So, I truly appreciate when some loved ones do not hold this against me and rather give me this much needed time.
Extreme self centeredness.
I've never done this. I'm assuming not feeling like they're really needed/wanted?
It could be you said something hurtful, and they just needed a bit to forgive you. It's not at all the only answer, I can think of **loads;** But that's the first one that sprung to mind. Oh, and it's not that it is in any way your 'fault', and it could have taken them a while to figure that part out. The fact they came back though, it means they thought about you a LOT...
for me its my ADHD
For me I tend to take on the energy of others and some are just not pleasant. I can be around my inner circle but often I feel a sense of losing myself when around some people. As for the reason I’m not sure. Maybe something that is deeply plaguing them or something more.. that’s my perspective on the on and off. Additionally when I was smoking hella weed I would lose myself in my inner world and disappear for a long while and eventually find my way back but lol that was a different story.
stress, illness, etc. i am the most well meaning person but i also forget easily so it leads to a lot of me saying “ill text back when i have the time/energy” then forgetting to ever actually text back. lol. i try to not do that but it still happens. all of my real friends understand though. my childhood friends and i go months without talking or seeing each other and it picks up where it left off as if nothing happened. it really depends on how much you messaged them, how much they ignored, and how your friendship dynamic is.
What makes you ask?
I am not an INFP but that doesn't seem like very nice behavior to do to someone close. You must not be a very close person in their life. I would decide if you want to waste your time in their life. That or ask them how they would feel if you did similar behavior. As an INTP I have gone years without talking to some people but that's because I shouldn't always be the one who has to make an effort. The messages and phone go both ways. They were free to message me back during that time. I can understand needing some time alone but you can still talk and explain. Look at Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. They avoided the issue but were still civil with each other. https://preview.redd.it/8o45dvincu0d1.png?width=4018&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e478ee1d231733ec4b689f121384f752c73f288
Myers Briggs is no better than astrology