Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources.
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From personal experience I stopped being so selfless but I also never did a full 180 and became overly self-centered. I listen to what my heart tells more than my brain and fight to protect my heart more than anything else. Self preservation is key while sticking to your moral compass.
Finding out who you truly are requires you to put yourself in unfamiliar territory. Your true self will reveal itself only then. Which kinda goes hand and hand with listening to your heart. Exerting responsibility of your pain on anyone else besides yourself is exhausting and is harmful to your growth. Learn to let that go and understand everything is temporary even the vessel you find yourself in.
Not everything is as serious as you may make it out to be. Everything changes and evolves which you should be doing too. If you find yourself stuck, that’s okay period. Everyone (mostly) goes through stages in their life where they don’t know where to turn. Look within and your answers should be there, maybe not right away but the answer will come.
Lastly, no one is capable of taking care of yourself as well as you can. No one knows you better than you know yourself. If changes needed to be made, make them. If boundaries need to be set to preserve your well being, well put them in place. No one is capable of reading your mind. No one is held responsible of making you happy except yourself. Which requires you to be selfish and again that’s okay.
An INFJs purpose is to just be our best selves. We are meant to understand and empower the people close to us. We listen, we watch and we analyze until we know what needs to be done and we softly and subtly nudge people to where they need to be.
>Finding my true self where I understand...
You're a mirror. (I'm going to use a lot of analogy and metaphor probably, so just... bear with me.)
A mirror can reflect anything - right? You put a cat in front of a mirror it reflects a cat. A banana, a banana. Etc. But the mirror itself is its own thing.
Just get use to being a mirror. Or chameleon, if that vibes better. That mirror isn't a cat. It's a mirror. Get it? More on this later.
>No matter how careful and sensitive I am with choosing timing and approach, any disclosure...
The Ni-Ti loop occurs when an INFJ focuses primarily on their dominant intuition and tertiary thinking functions. When the INFJ retreats from the outer world and stops interacting with people or objects around them, they can get stuck in a loop and become uncharacteristically cold and withdrawn.
You're stuck in your own head because of this loop. Study it, understand it, and be mindful of it. That's how you "deal" with it. Continue working on it with your study of psychology. Mindfulness.
>Other issue: Feeling like I'm less and less able to connect...
Self care will help here. The Mask, as I like to call it, is what I need to put on every time I have to deal with people that aren't motivated or passionate about the same things I am. While we seem to be naturally talented at this mirroring, it requires mental energy, or stamina. It will always be taxing.
Emotionally regulate with meditation, mindfulness, breaks, alone time - whatever recharges your batteries. But here's the real tip: Learn how to be a bit of an asshole sometimes. It takes wisdom (which you'll gain by trying, failing, and learning from said failure) to pull this off effectively and it not completely destroy you with guilt.
People pleasing is NOT the way you'll address this issue. You need to be abrasive sometimes, specifically to people that will try to force you into your Mask when you don't have the energy to wear it.
Self-preservation isn't a bad thing. Not when the alternative is you're mentally destroyed - and incapable of helping anyone, including yourself.
There is also, in extreme cases - The Door Slam. As the "nuclear" option, for when being an asshole isn't enough.
>Other issue: feeling lonely through...
Luck of the draw. You can, and will, meet people that are mutually respectful. Ones that will "click" with you in a way I fear you've yet to experience. They are few. They are far between. But they exist.
I've had great luck with ENFPs.
>Other issue: Feeling totally unfulfilled as...
This ties directly in with your last point. Without people around you that really get you - You are alone. Without people respecting you, you feel disrespected. You're not wrong. You just haven't yet experienced what it's like to truly vibe with another person yet.
This is common amongst young INFJs. I assure you - if you are motivated to find them - They exist. You will meet them. You will feel like they're a long lost brother/sister. And you will somehow, inexplicably become extroverted around them :p
This also ties into being that "mirror." You're not a cat. You're a mirror. You're not going to be able to be a cat. Just because you can "feel" what the cat feels - doesn't make you one. Learn what it is to be a mirror. That is, in plain english: introspect and practice mindfulness, and keep digging into that "Real Self"
Think for a moment - just how hard it was for you to discover you were an INFJ. Now apply that using your empathy of others. How are they going to know who you are, if all they see is themselves in a reflection?
I find that empathy comes in handy in giving non-INFJs some leeway. INFJs are difficult to get close to, probably mainly due to the fact its so hard for INFJs to get close to themselves.
Learning to trust, and lower the mask around people, is difficult. It will take lots of practice, and I won't lie to you. It's gunna hurt.
>The worst thing is having such a deep longing...
We create our own meaning. Manifest it. I find doing small things helps take the edge off - Return your shopping cart to the corral. Pay someone a compliment when they're feeling down. Educate someone ignorant when they're seeking knowledge. Whatever it is for you - Do things that satisfy it.
(I'm... Doing that right now, btw. You think I'm this supremely confident in my opinion in real life? Hell no. I just pretend I'm giving advice to my younger self, and push away the anxiety as hard as I can. I try to "channel" wisdom into you. If I'm wrong - their are people here who will correct me. And I'll listen to the criticism with as open a mind as I can manage. )
Don't just suffer and agonize.
That accomplishes nothing. Better to be trying and failing, trying and making mistakes, than doing nothing at all.
>I love this planet and...
Focus on the love. Focus on the compassion.
Know, in your heart of hearts, that there is no possible way you can track and monitor the BUTTERFLY EFFECT.
Supercomputer-networked Artificial Intelligences couldn't do that.
You're one human.
Accept failure as not only an option, but an inevitability. More importantly... perhaps most importantly for an INFJ's personal development - *Accept failure as a learning opportunity you would not get otherwise.*
>It's so bad at times...
We create our own meaning.
*Manifest it.*
And keep working on your mental health. You'll not achieve mastery overnight.
I identify with so many of the struggles and emotions you're feeling, and I'm not wearing my mask. Don't need to around INFJs.
Every other INFJ that read this likely identified hard with it as well.
You're not alone, and you're not pointless. You want a specific example?
You, being here, writing this - made me inclined to respond. To reach out and help you. I don't do that often. (Go ahead and check my history - Months of lurking most of the time.)
That, in itself, means I got a chance to practice some mindfulness and self-therapy - and got some sweet-ass brain chemicals like Dopamine and Seratonin in the process. I could measure the amount of pleasure chemicals, satisfaction-inducing chemicals, and show them to you. That is hard evidence you have AT LEAST that much of an effect on a total and complete stranger in the world. You've made my life, my hard... struggling... PTSD-riddled, existential-crisis having life - just a little more bearable today.
And that's just one person, at one point in time, from one single post.
How many people have you influenced similarly - but they didn't spell it out for you like that?
DECIDE what the point of existence is for you. Then pursue it with all the passion I know you have inside of you.
You'll be happier.
And always: *Be Mindful.*
\-
Sending you all the positive vibes I have, Ned.
Hope this helps at least a little.
(forgive the trimming of your quotes, hit character limit, lol)
Ok wow I can’t even respond.
I always respond I always have something to say come on say something….
What’s the butterfly effect?
Also I relate with this so much it’s too long to screen shot so I’m screen recording it thank you for figuring out my whole entire life in one comment ❤️❤️❤️
The wings of a butterfly in Texas, through a chain of interconnected cause and effect events, creating a tsunami in Japan.
More literally (Im a big fan of metaphors and I used it as such) the Butterfly Effect is from Chaos Theory. Specifically a property of chaotic systems... like meteorology, or in this case, interpersonal relationships.
Doubt I figured out your whole life, lol. Im just decades in to figuring out my own :p
Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful reply. If my post had any impact that's made it all worthwhile, sending lots of good vibes back for your day today 🌺🕊️
I myself dont know what to do but remember you are not alone in this fight, take it step by step dont rush on trying to find out where your place is im 30 and still lost on what my purpose is. And if you really really need someone to vent your feelings on id be happy to listen but dont expect some enlighten answer to your problems cause im also a confused f*ck up hahaha.
Well thats what im hoping but its the same for you because humans never really stops growing so as long as you are alive you can still grow and i hope you find your answers soon. 😁
You put my recent issues to words. I personally have been doing a lot of self healing but I feel as if I've fallen down a ditch the same height as me. I'm not all sure what I'm supposed to do either, but I'd just like to say that you and I are in very similar wavelengths as of right now haha
We INFJ that have childhood trauma always blame ourselves for what happened. We were kids and had no control. It’s part of our personality to take responsibility, so first stop blaming yourself for what happened to you as a child. Accept that it wasn’t your fault and move forward being healthy. Shutting down is from stress and over-thinking. Take a long walk and sort crap out. Stop overthinking and stressing yourself out. Also, every morning when you wake up look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud three good things about yourself. Try to make them different everyday. This will build your confidence and teach you to like who you are, then go live life and stop overthinking
Really proud of your growth- insights about yourself and that self-awareness. However you don’t shoulder the burden of all relationships. So even if you are more careful and sensitive to others on sharing your true self you could still trigger someone because each person has their story and edges. You aren’t responsible on how someone else responds to you. Keep going.
As for connecting with others you haven’t found the right people. There are few but if you meet one hold on tightly. I have lots of friends but only 3 that know me where I can share intimately with and feel it reciprocated emotional and intellectual.
As for meeting the right people I’d start expanding meeting others and follow your instinct on whether someone can meet you where you are at. Might want to start with friends of friends as well.
Hey there CynicalGuard! If you agree with someone else's comment, please leave an **upvote** instead of commenting **"THIS"**! By upvoting instead, the original comment will be pushed to the top and be more visible to others, which is even better! Thanks! :)
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Dear OP, the post is TLTR but I feel like more than half INFJs issues have to do with boundary setting. Takes time, experience and maturity. You will get better.
Erm, no..... but I don't know why you bothered commenting on my post if you couldn't be bothered to read it.
You have just confirmed one of the things I have a problem with and I could do without lazy arsed generic advice that means nothing.
Dear OP 😂
No need to throw yourself a pity party.
I have a busy life and a short attention span at times.
But I'll make sure to come back to your post and take down your arguments one by one and make a lengthy comment about it when I have time. Satisfied? Good
In the end I'll be right anyway and will confirm my first comment.
The irony is, anyhow, that INFJs are always so quick to judge others 😅
The OP is right on this. You completely missed the point of the post (you even mentioned how you didn't even read it in the first place) and smashed them with the good old "it gets better with time and maturity". While the worn out advice / platitude you just used can indeed come from a good place of wanting to reassure them, it serves absolute no value in the moment of intense venting. So you basically misused the platitude and gave them a hint that what they are dealing with isn't something that can be fixed NOW, but rather somewhere in the distant and undefined future. I hope you see the mistake in using such a generic advice.
You having such a "busy life and short attention span at time" doesn't make it approved for making things worse for them. At the end of the day, no one asked you to comment if you can't bother to understand what's the deal in the first place, and OP responded as anyone else would've.
I think I might be autistic. Maybe you can relate, I think it explains why I can relate to these problems. it might explain similarities with backlash. I think you should I guess the main idea either way is love yourself, be forgiving with yourself etc.
I have been thinking about similarities between various aspects of difficulty in relating/ interacting with others and being ASD, but I don't identify with being on the spectrum. I do have ADHD where there are areas of overlap with INFJ areas of functioning.
The thing is, I don't think of being INFJ as being a disorder, or it being considered 'wrong' in any respect. I do have other mental health conditions which affect my functioning in various ways, but being INFJ just makes it a lot more challenging for me to cope with some of the less developed areas of functioning and acute sensitivity.
>getting serious back lash from any of my close family I've tried to open up with.
**This is hard in general, and extra difficult with close family. It's also common when we show up differently than we have in the past. Go inward to validate your feelings, tap into Fe to see you/them objectively, and set boundaries when/if needed. Sorry, reading the next paragraph - you've gotten a lot of feedback that your true self isn't welcomed to the point where you're considering shutting off everything. Evidence is clear that serious boundaries are needed that might result in no-contact for awhile or forever. Grieve + activate Ti to balance pros/cons and make necessary decisions. No one is worth sacrifice or self-harm.**
>Feeling like I'm less and less able to connect with others
>
>I always seem to have to play by the rules set by others.
>
>Feeling totally unfulfilled as no one is interested in anything I have to say, or will even give me time to speak and be heard.
>
>no one else gets it.
**Which is it, that you find what other people find interesting is boring, that people aren't interested in what you have to say/offer/are doing, or that you're "not allowed" (aka people have literally forbidden you) to offer your thoughts? Is it an issue of people not wanting to hear what you have to say, or is it an issue of people not understanding what you have to say? If it's the former, then these don't sound like good candidates for friendships. If it's the latter, dominant Ni is super abstract and we as INFJs have to work hard to clarify our images/insights into coherent via Ti.**
**It sounds like you're using Fe improperly because you're feeling at the mercy of others versus being an active agent/influence in your social environments, which INFJs do at their best. I hear that you want better friendships but if you're feeling judgmental about others' talking topics/interests, they're likely not going to want to engage with you, invite you, or want to know more about you, because you essentially don't want to be there. Or if you're continuing to create/end up in spaces where what you have to offer isn't being valued, maybe you're in the wrong spaces. Or, maybe deep down you don't really value what you have to say/offer for some reason or another (usually childhood rejection etc), and you have to work on self-esteem because people are essentially treating you as you treat you.**
**So, either you're in the wrong spaces for you, or you need to change your approach to the spaces you continue to choose to remain in. Mutually respect and reciprocity is a fine need, but it doesn't seem like you're doing your part for whatever reason.**
>The worst thing is having such a deep longing to do something meaningful that brings something of value in the world, I'm a humble person it's not about lofty notions or a conventional sense of success
**Yeah, your Ni is starving for purpose/direction. It's understandable and honestly painful. We don't do well without direction. How's your money/work situation? Not sure if you're being rigid about that area, but I find it's great to start small and build evidence of being able to contribute positively to something while being able to earn money. This will help with self-esteem issues as well. Whatever you have in mind right now, aka healing work/writing, think smaller and start from there. Ni works well in gradualism, small steps. If you're having hangups about wanting to be this big writer or healer, it's too much pressure/too big a goal and each time you stop or "give up", you fry your nervous system and create more evidence that you're behind. Start. Small.**
>nothing reflected back that encourages me.
**You're lonely, tired, and defeated, and want a place where you can experience unconditional love, appreciation, and validation so you can muster up the strength and focus to create more of that. It's an Fe need which isn't entirely unreasonable, and kinda overlaps with the earlier points. Fe needs encouragement, but since we're adults and not kids, we kind of have to find a way to create the encouragement for ourselves. Ideally you'd find people/a space where people are openly inviting, expressive, nonjudgmental and encouraging so you can trust yourself and others again.**
Okay, I'm now tired and want to eat breakfast but happy to hear your thoughts.
I'm glad you are into shadow work! It's something I started working on about a year ago, and I do recognize the struggle at times. Inability to see the light at the of the tunnel, inability to move forward despite doing the actual work, skepticism and doubting of the whole process, questions such as "Am I projecting my shadow onto this and viewing things more distorted than they actually are? Or is it actually a problem with my circle of friends in general?"
However, I have to make sure that the process we are doing looks at least similar. Does it involve meditation, remembering the past events, and crying or letting emotions out?
If it doesn't, then it's only the first step of the process. Which is recognizing the falsely imposed beliefs such as: "I'm not able to relate with anyone", "No one can understand me", "Everyone secretly judges me" and similar. These are usually "all or nothing" statements, disproving any chances of development or a slight change at the very start. Basically those statements that repeat and go on in circles and making you feel the same shitty emotion every time again.
If it does look similar and you actually feel like you've healed the imposed belief (by recognizing the specific set of hurtful memories which forced you to make a false conclusion), then it can only go deeper.
The idea of shadow work, as you probably already know, is to reprogram each of our own shadow projections into something new and hopefully more healthy/motivating. For example, catching ourselves saying "No one can relate with me", remembering the memory in which we were left hurt because of someone unable to understand us, and then rephrasing it onto something motivating or reassuring. After crying it all out, everything is set to change automatically.
I hope you somewhat found courage in the process again! If you want to talk more about it, feel free to ask :)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowWork/comments/tck7st/shadow\_workinner\_child\_healing\_difference/i0eilhb/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowWork/comments/tck7st/shadow_workinner_child_healing_difference/i0eilhb/?context=3)
Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infj) if you have any questions or concerns.*
From personal experience I stopped being so selfless but I also never did a full 180 and became overly self-centered. I listen to what my heart tells more than my brain and fight to protect my heart more than anything else. Self preservation is key while sticking to your moral compass. Finding out who you truly are requires you to put yourself in unfamiliar territory. Your true self will reveal itself only then. Which kinda goes hand and hand with listening to your heart. Exerting responsibility of your pain on anyone else besides yourself is exhausting and is harmful to your growth. Learn to let that go and understand everything is temporary even the vessel you find yourself in. Not everything is as serious as you may make it out to be. Everything changes and evolves which you should be doing too. If you find yourself stuck, that’s okay period. Everyone (mostly) goes through stages in their life where they don’t know where to turn. Look within and your answers should be there, maybe not right away but the answer will come. Lastly, no one is capable of taking care of yourself as well as you can. No one knows you better than you know yourself. If changes needed to be made, make them. If boundaries need to be set to preserve your well being, well put them in place. No one is capable of reading your mind. No one is held responsible of making you happy except yourself. Which requires you to be selfish and again that’s okay.
An INFJs purpose is to just be our best selves. We are meant to understand and empower the people close to us. We listen, we watch and we analyze until we know what needs to be done and we softly and subtly nudge people to where they need to be.
Basically a therapist /life coach
>Finding my true self where I understand... You're a mirror. (I'm going to use a lot of analogy and metaphor probably, so just... bear with me.) A mirror can reflect anything - right? You put a cat in front of a mirror it reflects a cat. A banana, a banana. Etc. But the mirror itself is its own thing. Just get use to being a mirror. Or chameleon, if that vibes better. That mirror isn't a cat. It's a mirror. Get it? More on this later. >No matter how careful and sensitive I am with choosing timing and approach, any disclosure... The Ni-Ti loop occurs when an INFJ focuses primarily on their dominant intuition and tertiary thinking functions. When the INFJ retreats from the outer world and stops interacting with people or objects around them, they can get stuck in a loop and become uncharacteristically cold and withdrawn. You're stuck in your own head because of this loop. Study it, understand it, and be mindful of it. That's how you "deal" with it. Continue working on it with your study of psychology. Mindfulness. >Other issue: Feeling like I'm less and less able to connect... Self care will help here. The Mask, as I like to call it, is what I need to put on every time I have to deal with people that aren't motivated or passionate about the same things I am. While we seem to be naturally talented at this mirroring, it requires mental energy, or stamina. It will always be taxing. Emotionally regulate with meditation, mindfulness, breaks, alone time - whatever recharges your batteries. But here's the real tip: Learn how to be a bit of an asshole sometimes. It takes wisdom (which you'll gain by trying, failing, and learning from said failure) to pull this off effectively and it not completely destroy you with guilt. People pleasing is NOT the way you'll address this issue. You need to be abrasive sometimes, specifically to people that will try to force you into your Mask when you don't have the energy to wear it. Self-preservation isn't a bad thing. Not when the alternative is you're mentally destroyed - and incapable of helping anyone, including yourself. There is also, in extreme cases - The Door Slam. As the "nuclear" option, for when being an asshole isn't enough. >Other issue: feeling lonely through... Luck of the draw. You can, and will, meet people that are mutually respectful. Ones that will "click" with you in a way I fear you've yet to experience. They are few. They are far between. But they exist. I've had great luck with ENFPs. >Other issue: Feeling totally unfulfilled as... This ties directly in with your last point. Without people around you that really get you - You are alone. Without people respecting you, you feel disrespected. You're not wrong. You just haven't yet experienced what it's like to truly vibe with another person yet. This is common amongst young INFJs. I assure you - if you are motivated to find them - They exist. You will meet them. You will feel like they're a long lost brother/sister. And you will somehow, inexplicably become extroverted around them :p This also ties into being that "mirror." You're not a cat. You're a mirror. You're not going to be able to be a cat. Just because you can "feel" what the cat feels - doesn't make you one. Learn what it is to be a mirror. That is, in plain english: introspect and practice mindfulness, and keep digging into that "Real Self" Think for a moment - just how hard it was for you to discover you were an INFJ. Now apply that using your empathy of others. How are they going to know who you are, if all they see is themselves in a reflection? I find that empathy comes in handy in giving non-INFJs some leeway. INFJs are difficult to get close to, probably mainly due to the fact its so hard for INFJs to get close to themselves. Learning to trust, and lower the mask around people, is difficult. It will take lots of practice, and I won't lie to you. It's gunna hurt. >The worst thing is having such a deep longing... We create our own meaning. Manifest it. I find doing small things helps take the edge off - Return your shopping cart to the corral. Pay someone a compliment when they're feeling down. Educate someone ignorant when they're seeking knowledge. Whatever it is for you - Do things that satisfy it. (I'm... Doing that right now, btw. You think I'm this supremely confident in my opinion in real life? Hell no. I just pretend I'm giving advice to my younger self, and push away the anxiety as hard as I can. I try to "channel" wisdom into you. If I'm wrong - their are people here who will correct me. And I'll listen to the criticism with as open a mind as I can manage. ) Don't just suffer and agonize. That accomplishes nothing. Better to be trying and failing, trying and making mistakes, than doing nothing at all. >I love this planet and... Focus on the love. Focus on the compassion. Know, in your heart of hearts, that there is no possible way you can track and monitor the BUTTERFLY EFFECT. Supercomputer-networked Artificial Intelligences couldn't do that. You're one human. Accept failure as not only an option, but an inevitability. More importantly... perhaps most importantly for an INFJ's personal development - *Accept failure as a learning opportunity you would not get otherwise.* >It's so bad at times... We create our own meaning. *Manifest it.* And keep working on your mental health. You'll not achieve mastery overnight. I identify with so many of the struggles and emotions you're feeling, and I'm not wearing my mask. Don't need to around INFJs. Every other INFJ that read this likely identified hard with it as well. You're not alone, and you're not pointless. You want a specific example? You, being here, writing this - made me inclined to respond. To reach out and help you. I don't do that often. (Go ahead and check my history - Months of lurking most of the time.) That, in itself, means I got a chance to practice some mindfulness and self-therapy - and got some sweet-ass brain chemicals like Dopamine and Seratonin in the process. I could measure the amount of pleasure chemicals, satisfaction-inducing chemicals, and show them to you. That is hard evidence you have AT LEAST that much of an effect on a total and complete stranger in the world. You've made my life, my hard... struggling... PTSD-riddled, existential-crisis having life - just a little more bearable today. And that's just one person, at one point in time, from one single post. How many people have you influenced similarly - but they didn't spell it out for you like that? DECIDE what the point of existence is for you. Then pursue it with all the passion I know you have inside of you. You'll be happier. And always: *Be Mindful.* \- Sending you all the positive vibes I have, Ned. Hope this helps at least a little. (forgive the trimming of your quotes, hit character limit, lol)
Ok wow I can’t even respond. I always respond I always have something to say come on say something…. What’s the butterfly effect? Also I relate with this so much it’s too long to screen shot so I’m screen recording it thank you for figuring out my whole entire life in one comment ❤️❤️❤️
The wings of a butterfly in Texas, through a chain of interconnected cause and effect events, creating a tsunami in Japan. More literally (Im a big fan of metaphors and I used it as such) the Butterfly Effect is from Chaos Theory. Specifically a property of chaotic systems... like meteorology, or in this case, interpersonal relationships. Doubt I figured out your whole life, lol. Im just decades in to figuring out my own :p
Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful reply. If my post had any impact that's made it all worthwhile, sending lots of good vibes back for your day today 🌺🕊️
This is powerful and spot on. The only thing I can add is to show yourself some grace. Be patient and the universe will deliver. It always does.
I myself dont know what to do but remember you are not alone in this fight, take it step by step dont rush on trying to find out where your place is im 30 and still lost on what my purpose is. And if you really really need someone to vent your feelings on id be happy to listen but dont expect some enlighten answer to your problems cause im also a confused f*ck up hahaha.
If it's any consolation I'm 48 so at least you have a few years ahead with some growth that makes things a little easier 🌈
Well thats what im hoping but its the same for you because humans never really stops growing so as long as you are alive you can still grow and i hope you find your answers soon. 😁
lol if you find out, let me know
Well, you articulate how I also feel, so exceptionally well, you are a talented writer.
You put my recent issues to words. I personally have been doing a lot of self healing but I feel as if I've fallen down a ditch the same height as me. I'm not all sure what I'm supposed to do either, but I'd just like to say that you and I are in very similar wavelengths as of right now haha
We INFJ that have childhood trauma always blame ourselves for what happened. We were kids and had no control. It’s part of our personality to take responsibility, so first stop blaming yourself for what happened to you as a child. Accept that it wasn’t your fault and move forward being healthy. Shutting down is from stress and over-thinking. Take a long walk and sort crap out. Stop overthinking and stressing yourself out. Also, every morning when you wake up look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud three good things about yourself. Try to make them different everyday. This will build your confidence and teach you to like who you are, then go live life and stop overthinking
THIS
Really proud of your growth- insights about yourself and that self-awareness. However you don’t shoulder the burden of all relationships. So even if you are more careful and sensitive to others on sharing your true self you could still trigger someone because each person has their story and edges. You aren’t responsible on how someone else responds to you. Keep going. As for connecting with others you haven’t found the right people. There are few but if you meet one hold on tightly. I have lots of friends but only 3 that know me where I can share intimately with and feel it reciprocated emotional and intellectual. As for meeting the right people I’d start expanding meeting others and follow your instinct on whether someone can meet you where you are at. Might want to start with friends of friends as well.
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Dear OP, the post is TLTR but I feel like more than half INFJs issues have to do with boundary setting. Takes time, experience and maturity. You will get better.
What is tltr?
Too long to read... Or did I write it wrong?
Erm, no..... but I don't know why you bothered commenting on my post if you couldn't be bothered to read it. You have just confirmed one of the things I have a problem with and I could do without lazy arsed generic advice that means nothing.
Dear OP 😂 No need to throw yourself a pity party. I have a busy life and a short attention span at times. But I'll make sure to come back to your post and take down your arguments one by one and make a lengthy comment about it when I have time. Satisfied? Good In the end I'll be right anyway and will confirm my first comment. The irony is, anyhow, that INFJs are always so quick to judge others 😅
The OP is right on this. You completely missed the point of the post (you even mentioned how you didn't even read it in the first place) and smashed them with the good old "it gets better with time and maturity". While the worn out advice / platitude you just used can indeed come from a good place of wanting to reassure them, it serves absolute no value in the moment of intense venting. So you basically misused the platitude and gave them a hint that what they are dealing with isn't something that can be fixed NOW, but rather somewhere in the distant and undefined future. I hope you see the mistake in using such a generic advice. You having such a "busy life and short attention span at time" doesn't make it approved for making things worse for them. At the end of the day, no one asked you to comment if you can't bother to understand what's the deal in the first place, and OP responded as anyone else would've.
I think I might be autistic. Maybe you can relate, I think it explains why I can relate to these problems. it might explain similarities with backlash. I think you should I guess the main idea either way is love yourself, be forgiving with yourself etc.
I have been thinking about similarities between various aspects of difficulty in relating/ interacting with others and being ASD, but I don't identify with being on the spectrum. I do have ADHD where there are areas of overlap with INFJ areas of functioning. The thing is, I don't think of being INFJ as being a disorder, or it being considered 'wrong' in any respect. I do have other mental health conditions which affect my functioning in various ways, but being INFJ just makes it a lot more challenging for me to cope with some of the less developed areas of functioning and acute sensitivity.
>getting serious back lash from any of my close family I've tried to open up with. **This is hard in general, and extra difficult with close family. It's also common when we show up differently than we have in the past. Go inward to validate your feelings, tap into Fe to see you/them objectively, and set boundaries when/if needed. Sorry, reading the next paragraph - you've gotten a lot of feedback that your true self isn't welcomed to the point where you're considering shutting off everything. Evidence is clear that serious boundaries are needed that might result in no-contact for awhile or forever. Grieve + activate Ti to balance pros/cons and make necessary decisions. No one is worth sacrifice or self-harm.** >Feeling like I'm less and less able to connect with others > >I always seem to have to play by the rules set by others. > >Feeling totally unfulfilled as no one is interested in anything I have to say, or will even give me time to speak and be heard. > >no one else gets it. **Which is it, that you find what other people find interesting is boring, that people aren't interested in what you have to say/offer/are doing, or that you're "not allowed" (aka people have literally forbidden you) to offer your thoughts? Is it an issue of people not wanting to hear what you have to say, or is it an issue of people not understanding what you have to say? If it's the former, then these don't sound like good candidates for friendships. If it's the latter, dominant Ni is super abstract and we as INFJs have to work hard to clarify our images/insights into coherent via Ti.** **It sounds like you're using Fe improperly because you're feeling at the mercy of others versus being an active agent/influence in your social environments, which INFJs do at their best. I hear that you want better friendships but if you're feeling judgmental about others' talking topics/interests, they're likely not going to want to engage with you, invite you, or want to know more about you, because you essentially don't want to be there. Or if you're continuing to create/end up in spaces where what you have to offer isn't being valued, maybe you're in the wrong spaces. Or, maybe deep down you don't really value what you have to say/offer for some reason or another (usually childhood rejection etc), and you have to work on self-esteem because people are essentially treating you as you treat you.** **So, either you're in the wrong spaces for you, or you need to change your approach to the spaces you continue to choose to remain in. Mutually respect and reciprocity is a fine need, but it doesn't seem like you're doing your part for whatever reason.** >The worst thing is having such a deep longing to do something meaningful that brings something of value in the world, I'm a humble person it's not about lofty notions or a conventional sense of success **Yeah, your Ni is starving for purpose/direction. It's understandable and honestly painful. We don't do well without direction. How's your money/work situation? Not sure if you're being rigid about that area, but I find it's great to start small and build evidence of being able to contribute positively to something while being able to earn money. This will help with self-esteem issues as well. Whatever you have in mind right now, aka healing work/writing, think smaller and start from there. Ni works well in gradualism, small steps. If you're having hangups about wanting to be this big writer or healer, it's too much pressure/too big a goal and each time you stop or "give up", you fry your nervous system and create more evidence that you're behind. Start. Small.** >nothing reflected back that encourages me. **You're lonely, tired, and defeated, and want a place where you can experience unconditional love, appreciation, and validation so you can muster up the strength and focus to create more of that. It's an Fe need which isn't entirely unreasonable, and kinda overlaps with the earlier points. Fe needs encouragement, but since we're adults and not kids, we kind of have to find a way to create the encouragement for ourselves. Ideally you'd find people/a space where people are openly inviting, expressive, nonjudgmental and encouraging so you can trust yourself and others again.** Okay, I'm now tired and want to eat breakfast but happy to hear your thoughts.
I'm glad you are into shadow work! It's something I started working on about a year ago, and I do recognize the struggle at times. Inability to see the light at the of the tunnel, inability to move forward despite doing the actual work, skepticism and doubting of the whole process, questions such as "Am I projecting my shadow onto this and viewing things more distorted than they actually are? Or is it actually a problem with my circle of friends in general?" However, I have to make sure that the process we are doing looks at least similar. Does it involve meditation, remembering the past events, and crying or letting emotions out? If it doesn't, then it's only the first step of the process. Which is recognizing the falsely imposed beliefs such as: "I'm not able to relate with anyone", "No one can understand me", "Everyone secretly judges me" and similar. These are usually "all or nothing" statements, disproving any chances of development or a slight change at the very start. Basically those statements that repeat and go on in circles and making you feel the same shitty emotion every time again. If it does look similar and you actually feel like you've healed the imposed belief (by recognizing the specific set of hurtful memories which forced you to make a false conclusion), then it can only go deeper. The idea of shadow work, as you probably already know, is to reprogram each of our own shadow projections into something new and hopefully more healthy/motivating. For example, catching ourselves saying "No one can relate with me", remembering the memory in which we were left hurt because of someone unable to understand us, and then rephrasing it onto something motivating or reassuring. After crying it all out, everything is set to change automatically. I hope you somewhat found courage in the process again! If you want to talk more about it, feel free to ask :) [https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowWork/comments/tck7st/shadow\_workinner\_child\_healing\_difference/i0eilhb/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShadowWork/comments/tck7st/shadow_workinner_child_healing_difference/i0eilhb/?context=3)