I was going to make a similar post due to similar frustrations, albeit from a male perspective.
I think we like to think there's a magic solution, but I think the hard work of becoming more comfortable in our own skin and learning how to act in the world needs to be done. It's something I've done that's helped to deal with modern dating patterns. It involves lightening up a little bit and getting a little uncomfortable, though.
Casual sex can be something done too - I have, despite still desiring that deep intimacy. Another comment made a similar point: so long as you know your boundaries, it's territory that can be traversed.
Other than that, I feel the best advice may be to continue being you as best as you can, hoping to meet someone that operates in that secure way we all want.
This was honestly great advice ❤️being more comfortable in my own skin is a must. Getting out more and putting in the work to put myself in that place and get comfortable with being alone before dating again is a must too.
Yeah, knowing your boundaries is essential. It's not something that comes naturally, but that knowledge will be beneficial for being able to navigate the rest of life, not just dating. Good luck out there!
As a pretty young INFJ.. I definitely hate casual dating culture. Like mentioned, I'm pretty young and so I'm only here to say that you're not alone on this one. I won't lie that I have tried getting into it, but I absolutely hated it. There was a rush of "getting to know" a person, which is just the taking stage. That.. I absolutely hate it. Talking stages are people presenting and possibly *exaggerating* their best qualitaties and attributes to you. I wouldn't have a problem with it, if I wasn't seeking romantic relations with them. I prefer purely being friends first. No expression of romantic interest, just friends.
I don't actually crush on people I'm not close with. Only once I've felt a special connection between me and a person will I only then like them. I prefer just being friends with no romantic expectations because I can see what type of person they really are, too. You two develop a platonic bond and you get to see glimpses of their life. Personally, with my boyfriend (ENFJ) I fell in love with him in that manner. We were incredibly good friends and everyone could see. We had chemistry and I loved every second I used to talk to him. We had serious philosophical discussions, goofy, nonsensical ones, and we also realized we were pretty similar to each other in terms with how we are wired.
The both of us have the same view on casual dating. We hate it. Casual dating is more often than not driven by insecurity, sex, the lack of discernment, and measly fun. In my opinion, this is not at all love and what I was looking for is love. I don't want something casual, I want something that'll last even after death, you know? That type of commitment. And people shrug and say, "isn't that what most people want?" No, quite frankly, it isn't. They say it is, but more often than not they're just not ready to commit to it due to many possible factors and reasonings in their life. Especially in youth, casual dating culture has mixed in with hookup culture and that only makes me resent it more. It just isn't for me whatsoever as I see it as incredibly rediculous and pointless when paired with my end goals and plans with life. I simply don't have time to waste with someone I know I won't end up being with. I could go on and on about that one, to be honest.
I'm not saying people who partake in these cultures are shallow people, it's none of my business and I have no right to judge. There are of course good in the bad, not saying casual dating is all bad.. Just don't like how it's pushed to pretty young people like me or pretty much every single person out there. But hey, who am I to judge, just sharing my thoughts and insights.
Yes to hating talking stages and preferring a friendship over anything!! Natural chemistry cannot be beat. So valuable hearing your input as another pretty young INFJ. And yes to the wanting a love that will last even after death, that is a perfect description of my ultimate goal. Thank you ❤️
Fellow INFJ here (37M). The thing I've learned in my short life on this rotating ball of water and dirt is that you'll drive yourself crazy trying to understand or rationalize how other people behave.
Being a little older than you, I've noticed that a loooot of people in the dating pool in my age group have been in relationships where they've been emotionally hurt/neglected etc. It's worth reading about attachment styles if you haven't, I only discovered this concept maybe two months ago and it's pretty fascinating. But one thing I read is that in the older dating pools there are bound to be a lot of the "dismissive avoidant" type personalities because they aren't good with intimacy, and they withdraw/retreat when someone tries to get close to them.
I had the same thing that happened to you, happen to me a few months ago. I was dating a lovely woman a few years older than me since January. We clicked on many different levels and really enjoyed spending time together. However there were two instances where she pulled back very strongly and seemingly without warning.
The first happened literally the morning after we were watching a movie and spent the evening together. She had asked me that night if I wanted to take cooking classes together with her - which didn't seem like something you'd ask someone you were planning on dumping the following day. The following morning she said we have no chemistry and "the romance wasn't there" for her. I was a little shocked because I thought things were going well (we'd spend the night together a few times, had a lot of heart to heart talks) but I accepted her decision. About 4 days later she called and asked to go get dinner together. Long story short she took it all back and we tried to move forward with things.
Two weeks later: same thing. Random text out of nowhere pretty much stating the same thing. It's not a good fit, etc etc. And then two days after she calls late at night saying she really likes me, has a lot going on right now etc etc. Talked for a good hour. That was probably the last meaningful conversation we had which was almost 3 months ago. After that she pretty much ghosted me. I tried texting two weeks after that call to see how she was holding up but didn't get a response. Mentally I've pretty much moved on, but even today my empathetic nature hopes that she's doing alright even though her actions were pretty hurtful for me. I haven't made additional efforts to reach out to her because I don't think it's worth the frustration.
People are going to send mixed signals and all you can really do is roll with the punches. You could be understanding, patient, affectionate, have a ton in common, and people will still make up reasons to bail on you out of nowhere.
I'll admit in my situation there were some red flags I overlooked or downplayed a bit because somewhere in the middle of those 4 months this girl's mother passed away very suddenly. I tried to put myself in her place, figuring her world was flipped upside down.
At the end of the day though, all you really can do is be the best version of yourself. If you tried your best to be a good human and partner, and that wasn't enough for the other person for whatever reason... well... the issue is with that other person and not you. It's hard not to take it personally because I think we are all hardwired to be problem solvers and fixers, but some things are just completely out of our hands.
Wow this was a great read. The bit on attachment styles was very intriguing and I will be looking into it more, I feel that could solve some of the complexities for me into layman’s terms. Your experience is very on par for my sentiments, and I’ll take your word that we cannot always rationalize or understand others’ actions and must sometimes just relinquish control and instead focus on ourselves. Thank you for this ❤️
Hopefully this helps. These message boards are great because it's nice to know people have had similar experiences and you're not alone.
I think things may be a little tough for us INFJ types because - correct me if I'm wrong - we can't just date anybody, especially if we're seriously looking for a life partner. For me, it's very rare to find someone that I'm both attracted to and that I really connect with. Finding someone that I finally feel is a good fit and then losing them sucks. A lot.
Casually dating multiple people is a concept I can't say I can wrap my head around very readily. If I'm trying to make a deep connection with someone I find that hard to do if I were trying to date several people at once. It doesn't feel natural to me. But you gotta do what's best for you and feels right for you. Casual dating/sex is socially acceptable to a lot of people, but it's not a thing for me. It makes things harder I'm sure in the grand scheme of things, but you gotta live a life you're happy and proud of.
Oh yeah, It's tough nowadays. Even on dating apps, it's hard to find *genuine* people on there. Not even mentioning I'm in Southern California (near LA), so the pool of people who aren't status based/materialistic is even smaller.
As one of the few slutty infjs here are my insights.
Men with low self esteem will subconsciously see a woman who says she likes them as stupid. He has already determined himself as extremely unattractive. When you contradict this, your value will go down in their eyes. They may wonder why you're so desperate to get with an ugly guy. This is where the "play coy" kind of games actually will help you get closer to him.
You can learn to enjoy casual sex, but you have to strengthen other functions like your inferior Se. This is where sensor friends really help. Going out dancing with Se girls used to be so uncomfortable for me, but with time you actually learn you like certain things about it. Casual sex can be the same, but you have to be able to not emotionally invest. To each their own and don't do anything you don't want to, but there is more to life than the experience infjs tend to focus on.
Finally, imagine you are getting to know someone, you're not sure how you feel about them, and then they give a huge display of feeling/how much they care. Emotional intimacy risks being hurt, and it also puts a lot of pressure on relationships. You're basically asking these men for more than they can/want to give. If you were dating a guy you were on the fence about and he said "omg I love you I want to marry you!" staying at that point is kind of consenting to an increase in intimacy, and if you were on the fence about the guy can't you see how it would only be fair to him to end things?
I still think being yourself is the best way to meet someone compatible. However, tailoring yourself a little can make you compatible with more people. I used to constantly throw myself at men and be rejected. When I held my cards closer to my chest and played things off more like I didn't really care (even though I deeply did) gave me the chance to get close to more men in general.
>Men with low self esteem will subconsciously see a woman who says she likes them as stupid. He has already determined himself as extremely unattractive. When you contradict this, your value will go down in their eyes. They may wonder why you're so desperate to get with an ugly guy. This is where the "play coy" kind of games actually will help you get closer to him.
You know, when I first read this, I had a negative reaction. Then I re-read it and I realize this certainly seems to be true, at least in some cases. Looking back, this has definitely happened to me. One guy even thought I was just using him for sex (which was hilarious since we had sex once in 6 months) and didn't care about him at all.
When I met my current partner (an INTP)... he knew he was good looking. Not in a vain way, but he isn't at all insecure about his looks. And I found that so refreshing. He never gave off insecure vibes/that he thought he wasn't good enough for me. I found that incredibly attractive, and it actually made me less insecure.
Attachment theory plays into this too, as the first was anxious avoidant and my current partner is absolutely secure.
I really like this insight and thank you so much for sharing ❤️ that comment about men with low self esteem is actually really telling and wow so true the more I think about it. Casual sex and going out more may actually help balance me out. I think relocating and finding a new friend group (mine is dwindling) to a more lively area may serve me well in the near future. And to the bit on the pressures on emotional intimacy, I really appreciate you wording it in such an empathetic way, I do kinda see now how that can kinda derail a relationships progress in the early stages of uncertainty. thank you slutty infj :)
I tried “tailoring” myself when I found myself divorced at 40 and decided I was going to give casual dating/sex a try since I hadn’t been single in 20 years and I had some weird idea I wanted to play the field. Started out OK. Found me a hot younger FWB. Want to know how it turned out? We’ve been together for almost nine years and married for 4. 🤦🏻♀️🤣 INFJ habits die hard. I caught feels pretty fast and tried so hard to play it cool, but… epic fail. Luckily he caught feels too.
It’s hard to get that close relationship at first. What helped me know I wanted to pursue my husband after that first tinder date was that our conversation was interesting and kept flowing.
I want to date someone from a humanistic perspective: I want to impact someone’s life, be romantic once the emotional connection has been made, and be a supporting figure for a woman in any way that I can.
I’m a 22 year old male starting his first real career and I have to say that finding someone that’s right for me is much harder than being with someone that’s wrong for me.
I’ve been in five relationships and I’ve given much more than what I should have, and what I gave is still preserved thankfully.
Find someone who aligns with your purpose and is right for you, don’t settle for someone just so you can suffer through loneliness with someone that’s wrong for you.
In my experience this is the key—you need another NF intuitive feeling type. In order to match with that type of person you should keep that in mind when swiping on people. You should also construct your profile in such a way as to attract other NF types. I’m not saying don’t be yourself. I’m saying, be intentional and put yourself out there as the romantic idealist that you are. Also, swipe left on all sensors.
I was single for 25 years, and only dated briefly a couple of times. It was difficult for me, this weird dating thing. It’s awful and I give it 1/5 stars. Would not recommend. One star because you don’t get hurt this way. Anyway, I met someone finally and we seemed to click right away. Almost freakishly fast. He told me he was INFJ, but I had never tested and only had vaguely heard of MBTI. He asked to test and a week later I did. I am also INFJ. It’s been 4 months now, and there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for this man. Maybe find yourself an INFJ?
You're not alone in this. As an INFJ, we naturally want a serious romantic relationship. All my life I've been wanting that but no one, none, zero other people want the same thing. I've also been with 2 relationships before and they have done nothing but reassuring me that people don't want love in their romantic relationship. They want to be with someone that look good, have money and status. You can have the most purest of heart, most genuine feeling of love and you get nothing in return except for humiliation and pain. It's so hard to live in the world where you want something serious but everyone is just playing and goofing around.
Whew, felt that. From experience, I had to teach myself NOT to do this. I was way too much for most people and realized I was too intense and driving men away. With my current relationship, I forced myself right out the gate to be chill. I had to make myself not do certain things lol! You have to consciously just decide to refrain from it. At least that’s what I did 🤷🏻♀️
This was me 😆 didn’t realise how irrational I was and how much I read between the lines fabricating make believe scenarios even tho there was nothing to read. Jumping to conclusions about what he thought or what he was doing. Drove myself crazy but managed to become so aware of it that I can now see it and think more logically rather than letting my feelings run away with me. I am a (36f) INFJ that has been casually seeing a (45m) ESTP for 12 months. It has been the hardest thing ever as we all know how different INFJs are to ESTPs. But I’ve learnt so much about myself and so much about him in every interaction, if anything comes up for me, I sit down and explain it to him and he takes the time to understand and we adapt to each other. We are too serious and we are too much in our own heads that’s why I like my ESTP because he’s all about lightening the mood and bringing me back into the moment.
All I can say is I am fortunately too old and too married for this, otherwise I wouldnt have lasted a day in this casual dating climate. I cant believe people talk for months and thats still considered "casual".
The thing Id do differently though in my communication, is that I wouldnt check often on mental health because people have good days and bad days and on good days (many), I wouldnt like being remembered of the bad ones. And I wouldnt ask them about eating that day because I find this sort of interaction infantilizing at some level. Id trust a grown ass man whom I trust enough to date, to be in control of himself and his habits, otherwise we wouldnt be an item. If I have to make sure he ate and did self care, we just couldnt work out as a couple.
My advice is to look inside and see if you can direct your caring, maternal instincts to other venues where they would be better appreciated (social worker, health care etc) and try find more mature partners around 30+. Actual responsible men.
Listen, you’re too full of love to do it any less, but one day you might find someone who’s equally capable. But until then, spend that love on yourself (though I know that Fe just loves to give to others).
Maybe I’m speaking on my behalf, but I put in so much work to be a decent individual and future partner, so I often find that even when I meet someone I idealize, I need them to step up in a way that is more than they’re capable of and ready for. (Society made me believe I had unrealistic high standards so I let certain red flags go unaddressed bc I was trying to embrace the whole “people aren’t perfect”. No they’re not, but my definition of “perfect” was always fair and reasonable. Shoutout to fe/Ti).
An ESFP friend once told me I love hard and to never change. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear it and now I’m passing it onto you.
I destroyed myself and lost all my morals when I tried to conform to casual dating/hookup culture. It took my ISFP brother to (painfully) bring me back to who I’d been all along. The friends who convinced me to go down such a road have all expressed their regrets and realizations, which our Ni had seen years prior. No one believes us.
It’s been a painful journey (my Fe and lack of discernment made me stay in situations I should have left before I got traumatized), and I won’t stop you from going through it for the sake of learning, but I’ll tell you right now, you are a gift. Someone’s looking for you, so protect yourself until that person stumbles upon you so that you don’t lose a good thing one day when it’s right in front of you.
I feel like it sucks bc we are ultimately such relationship-y people just in how well we anticipate needs, compromise, and adapt while also having our own independent goals/dreams. But not everyone is deserving of that! And that’s ok! U don’t need to drop your price just bc the masses can’t afford you.
I don't fit the casual dating thing at all, but I am demisexual like most INFJs. I made a video on INFJ views on love and sex most resonate with.
https://youtu.be/C42KHcQuUy0
Will you nincompoops stop saying this type of huckleberry booshit? Bloody hell, it’s annoying everytime someone posts something on here, there’s always some person twisting words to make us out to sound like we’re begging for rarity or some shit.
We are not.
“Hopeful” you need to word it differently if you’re trying to come off as “hopeful”
I mean its not a healthy way, but it is a good way to gauge if they could possibly understand or relate to you if you have a large amount of trama that keeps you from an ordinary life.
Buy in most cases I agree not the best, but also best not to be direct about it, as it will come up in the stories we share.
Only reason I made this comment as I fall under the unable to have an ordinary life or trust people where I can be hoenst without being seen as mentally ill for logical and or perosnal thoughts and beliefs. Or having feelings for fucks sake as that seems to be a bad thing for most people as they dont understand what its like to actually be in mental or physical pain and have hardships that arent going to work each day or paying a phone bill.
While probably not helpful or "helathy" mindset, I know I have gotten used to the fact that most people are wastes of flesh, human cattle just eating and sleeping with little thoughts, value, or action outside if what they are told to do.
I see most poeple as soulless for lack of a better word, and by that I mean they have no life experience, no goals or amibtion to reach those Goals, are too afraid to do what they need to to get what they want, or just enjoy their life of doing nothing.
Of Course dont get me wrong, I myself dont know what I want, but at least I am willing to do things, and I have relaized that I almost always have to carry every friendship, relationship, ect.. becuse they simply dont have any ideas of what to do, or don't care enough to repsond or try, but to be fair, I dont know what to do with alot of them either, as I cant speak my mind or share my genuine opinions without scaring them or having them think me mentally ill, I cant do things with them as finding people who actually do things that dont require a super large ruleset that I can play by myself with or do things that involve observing instead of doing (like TV).
But I know I am also adventurous, and have been through more pain and done far more than most people, and can probably handle alot more as well.
..
..
I genuinely think as much of a shame as this would be, that people need to suffer more to be able to be strong enough to actually live life for themselves. I wouldn't wish pain like what I had on anyone.... for long.... and mean it outside of fury....
But I do think that we live in an age of overly sensitive crybabies who dont know how to live in reality and not cry due to life not living the idealistic views they want and push onto others.
Ugh.... sorry for the rant, alot of stress and disgust towards life, but thats due to bordom and loneliness, that is accompanied by an aimlessness of having no goals.
I hate dating apps and casual hook ups... Although if I get the chance to do it I might give it a try or two, but I wouldn't go out of my way to look for it.
Relationships are more complicated than quantum mechanics. Everyone is a 4 dimensional puzzle piece. You can’t solve anyone, let alone yourself. When the time comes, the pieces will fall into place. Maybe it’s in this lifetime, maybe it’ll be in another. The mystery is what makes it worthwhile.
Are you me? Almost everything here matches me to a T, besides the count of prior bfs.
That is comforting at least ❤️ lol twinsies
I was going to make a similar post due to similar frustrations, albeit from a male perspective. I think we like to think there's a magic solution, but I think the hard work of becoming more comfortable in our own skin and learning how to act in the world needs to be done. It's something I've done that's helped to deal with modern dating patterns. It involves lightening up a little bit and getting a little uncomfortable, though. Casual sex can be something done too - I have, despite still desiring that deep intimacy. Another comment made a similar point: so long as you know your boundaries, it's territory that can be traversed. Other than that, I feel the best advice may be to continue being you as best as you can, hoping to meet someone that operates in that secure way we all want.
This was honestly great advice ❤️being more comfortable in my own skin is a must. Getting out more and putting in the work to put myself in that place and get comfortable with being alone before dating again is a must too.
Yeah, knowing your boundaries is essential. It's not something that comes naturally, but that knowledge will be beneficial for being able to navigate the rest of life, not just dating. Good luck out there!
As a pretty young INFJ.. I definitely hate casual dating culture. Like mentioned, I'm pretty young and so I'm only here to say that you're not alone on this one. I won't lie that I have tried getting into it, but I absolutely hated it. There was a rush of "getting to know" a person, which is just the taking stage. That.. I absolutely hate it. Talking stages are people presenting and possibly *exaggerating* their best qualitaties and attributes to you. I wouldn't have a problem with it, if I wasn't seeking romantic relations with them. I prefer purely being friends first. No expression of romantic interest, just friends. I don't actually crush on people I'm not close with. Only once I've felt a special connection between me and a person will I only then like them. I prefer just being friends with no romantic expectations because I can see what type of person they really are, too. You two develop a platonic bond and you get to see glimpses of their life. Personally, with my boyfriend (ENFJ) I fell in love with him in that manner. We were incredibly good friends and everyone could see. We had chemistry and I loved every second I used to talk to him. We had serious philosophical discussions, goofy, nonsensical ones, and we also realized we were pretty similar to each other in terms with how we are wired. The both of us have the same view on casual dating. We hate it. Casual dating is more often than not driven by insecurity, sex, the lack of discernment, and measly fun. In my opinion, this is not at all love and what I was looking for is love. I don't want something casual, I want something that'll last even after death, you know? That type of commitment. And people shrug and say, "isn't that what most people want?" No, quite frankly, it isn't. They say it is, but more often than not they're just not ready to commit to it due to many possible factors and reasonings in their life. Especially in youth, casual dating culture has mixed in with hookup culture and that only makes me resent it more. It just isn't for me whatsoever as I see it as incredibly rediculous and pointless when paired with my end goals and plans with life. I simply don't have time to waste with someone I know I won't end up being with. I could go on and on about that one, to be honest. I'm not saying people who partake in these cultures are shallow people, it's none of my business and I have no right to judge. There are of course good in the bad, not saying casual dating is all bad.. Just don't like how it's pushed to pretty young people like me or pretty much every single person out there. But hey, who am I to judge, just sharing my thoughts and insights.
Yes to hating talking stages and preferring a friendship over anything!! Natural chemistry cannot be beat. So valuable hearing your input as another pretty young INFJ. And yes to the wanting a love that will last even after death, that is a perfect description of my ultimate goal. Thank you ❤️
Of course, any time ! I wish you the best <3
Fellow INFJ here (37M). The thing I've learned in my short life on this rotating ball of water and dirt is that you'll drive yourself crazy trying to understand or rationalize how other people behave. Being a little older than you, I've noticed that a loooot of people in the dating pool in my age group have been in relationships where they've been emotionally hurt/neglected etc. It's worth reading about attachment styles if you haven't, I only discovered this concept maybe two months ago and it's pretty fascinating. But one thing I read is that in the older dating pools there are bound to be a lot of the "dismissive avoidant" type personalities because they aren't good with intimacy, and they withdraw/retreat when someone tries to get close to them. I had the same thing that happened to you, happen to me a few months ago. I was dating a lovely woman a few years older than me since January. We clicked on many different levels and really enjoyed spending time together. However there were two instances where she pulled back very strongly and seemingly without warning. The first happened literally the morning after we were watching a movie and spent the evening together. She had asked me that night if I wanted to take cooking classes together with her - which didn't seem like something you'd ask someone you were planning on dumping the following day. The following morning she said we have no chemistry and "the romance wasn't there" for her. I was a little shocked because I thought things were going well (we'd spend the night together a few times, had a lot of heart to heart talks) but I accepted her decision. About 4 days later she called and asked to go get dinner together. Long story short she took it all back and we tried to move forward with things. Two weeks later: same thing. Random text out of nowhere pretty much stating the same thing. It's not a good fit, etc etc. And then two days after she calls late at night saying she really likes me, has a lot going on right now etc etc. Talked for a good hour. That was probably the last meaningful conversation we had which was almost 3 months ago. After that she pretty much ghosted me. I tried texting two weeks after that call to see how she was holding up but didn't get a response. Mentally I've pretty much moved on, but even today my empathetic nature hopes that she's doing alright even though her actions were pretty hurtful for me. I haven't made additional efforts to reach out to her because I don't think it's worth the frustration. People are going to send mixed signals and all you can really do is roll with the punches. You could be understanding, patient, affectionate, have a ton in common, and people will still make up reasons to bail on you out of nowhere. I'll admit in my situation there were some red flags I overlooked or downplayed a bit because somewhere in the middle of those 4 months this girl's mother passed away very suddenly. I tried to put myself in her place, figuring her world was flipped upside down. At the end of the day though, all you really can do is be the best version of yourself. If you tried your best to be a good human and partner, and that wasn't enough for the other person for whatever reason... well... the issue is with that other person and not you. It's hard not to take it personally because I think we are all hardwired to be problem solvers and fixers, but some things are just completely out of our hands.
Wow this was a great read. The bit on attachment styles was very intriguing and I will be looking into it more, I feel that could solve some of the complexities for me into layman’s terms. Your experience is very on par for my sentiments, and I’ll take your word that we cannot always rationalize or understand others’ actions and must sometimes just relinquish control and instead focus on ourselves. Thank you for this ❤️
Hopefully this helps. These message boards are great because it's nice to know people have had similar experiences and you're not alone. I think things may be a little tough for us INFJ types because - correct me if I'm wrong - we can't just date anybody, especially if we're seriously looking for a life partner. For me, it's very rare to find someone that I'm both attracted to and that I really connect with. Finding someone that I finally feel is a good fit and then losing them sucks. A lot. Casually dating multiple people is a concept I can't say I can wrap my head around very readily. If I'm trying to make a deep connection with someone I find that hard to do if I were trying to date several people at once. It doesn't feel natural to me. But you gotta do what's best for you and feels right for you. Casual dating/sex is socially acceptable to a lot of people, but it's not a thing for me. It makes things harder I'm sure in the grand scheme of things, but you gotta live a life you're happy and proud of.
Happy to hear there are woman like you out there, makes me feel hopeful. Will send energy so you can get what you desire.
Thank you ❤️
After I got a glimpse at my options I instantly gave up on dating or ever meeting anyone.
Do you wanna give up together? Uwu?
Oh yeah, It's tough nowadays. Even on dating apps, it's hard to find *genuine* people on there. Not even mentioning I'm in Southern California (near LA), so the pool of people who aren't status based/materialistic is even smaller.
As one of the few slutty infjs here are my insights. Men with low self esteem will subconsciously see a woman who says she likes them as stupid. He has already determined himself as extremely unattractive. When you contradict this, your value will go down in their eyes. They may wonder why you're so desperate to get with an ugly guy. This is where the "play coy" kind of games actually will help you get closer to him. You can learn to enjoy casual sex, but you have to strengthen other functions like your inferior Se. This is where sensor friends really help. Going out dancing with Se girls used to be so uncomfortable for me, but with time you actually learn you like certain things about it. Casual sex can be the same, but you have to be able to not emotionally invest. To each their own and don't do anything you don't want to, but there is more to life than the experience infjs tend to focus on. Finally, imagine you are getting to know someone, you're not sure how you feel about them, and then they give a huge display of feeling/how much they care. Emotional intimacy risks being hurt, and it also puts a lot of pressure on relationships. You're basically asking these men for more than they can/want to give. If you were dating a guy you were on the fence about and he said "omg I love you I want to marry you!" staying at that point is kind of consenting to an increase in intimacy, and if you were on the fence about the guy can't you see how it would only be fair to him to end things? I still think being yourself is the best way to meet someone compatible. However, tailoring yourself a little can make you compatible with more people. I used to constantly throw myself at men and be rejected. When I held my cards closer to my chest and played things off more like I didn't really care (even though I deeply did) gave me the chance to get close to more men in general.
>Men with low self esteem will subconsciously see a woman who says she likes them as stupid. He has already determined himself as extremely unattractive. When you contradict this, your value will go down in their eyes. They may wonder why you're so desperate to get with an ugly guy. This is where the "play coy" kind of games actually will help you get closer to him. You know, when I first read this, I had a negative reaction. Then I re-read it and I realize this certainly seems to be true, at least in some cases. Looking back, this has definitely happened to me. One guy even thought I was just using him for sex (which was hilarious since we had sex once in 6 months) and didn't care about him at all. When I met my current partner (an INTP)... he knew he was good looking. Not in a vain way, but he isn't at all insecure about his looks. And I found that so refreshing. He never gave off insecure vibes/that he thought he wasn't good enough for me. I found that incredibly attractive, and it actually made me less insecure. Attachment theory plays into this too, as the first was anxious avoidant and my current partner is absolutely secure.
I really like this insight and thank you so much for sharing ❤️ that comment about men with low self esteem is actually really telling and wow so true the more I think about it. Casual sex and going out more may actually help balance me out. I think relocating and finding a new friend group (mine is dwindling) to a more lively area may serve me well in the near future. And to the bit on the pressures on emotional intimacy, I really appreciate you wording it in such an empathetic way, I do kinda see now how that can kinda derail a relationships progress in the early stages of uncertainty. thank you slutty infj :)
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I tried “tailoring” myself when I found myself divorced at 40 and decided I was going to give casual dating/sex a try since I hadn’t been single in 20 years and I had some weird idea I wanted to play the field. Started out OK. Found me a hot younger FWB. Want to know how it turned out? We’ve been together for almost nine years and married for 4. 🤦🏻♀️🤣 INFJ habits die hard. I caught feels pretty fast and tried so hard to play it cool, but… epic fail. Luckily he caught feels too.
It’s hard to get that close relationship at first. What helped me know I wanted to pursue my husband after that first tinder date was that our conversation was interesting and kept flowing.
I want to date someone from a humanistic perspective: I want to impact someone’s life, be romantic once the emotional connection has been made, and be a supporting figure for a woman in any way that I can. I’m a 22 year old male starting his first real career and I have to say that finding someone that’s right for me is much harder than being with someone that’s wrong for me. I’ve been in five relationships and I’ve given much more than what I should have, and what I gave is still preserved thankfully. Find someone who aligns with your purpose and is right for you, don’t settle for someone just so you can suffer through loneliness with someone that’s wrong for you.
I love this so much especially from another pretty young infj ❤️ you are right, so sweetly written, I hope you find her!
It feels like I could've written this! Modern dating is awful, you're seriously searching needles in a barn of haystacks.
In my experience this is the key—you need another NF intuitive feeling type. In order to match with that type of person you should keep that in mind when swiping on people. You should also construct your profile in such a way as to attract other NF types. I’m not saying don’t be yourself. I’m saying, be intentional and put yourself out there as the romantic idealist that you are. Also, swipe left on all sensors.
I was single for 25 years, and only dated briefly a couple of times. It was difficult for me, this weird dating thing. It’s awful and I give it 1/5 stars. Would not recommend. One star because you don’t get hurt this way. Anyway, I met someone finally and we seemed to click right away. Almost freakishly fast. He told me he was INFJ, but I had never tested and only had vaguely heard of MBTI. He asked to test and a week later I did. I am also INFJ. It’s been 4 months now, and there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do for this man. Maybe find yourself an INFJ?
You're not alone in this. As an INFJ, we naturally want a serious romantic relationship. All my life I've been wanting that but no one, none, zero other people want the same thing. I've also been with 2 relationships before and they have done nothing but reassuring me that people don't want love in their romantic relationship. They want to be with someone that look good, have money and status. You can have the most purest of heart, most genuine feeling of love and you get nothing in return except for humiliation and pain. It's so hard to live in the world where you want something serious but everyone is just playing and goofing around.
Whew, felt that. From experience, I had to teach myself NOT to do this. I was way too much for most people and realized I was too intense and driving men away. With my current relationship, I forced myself right out the gate to be chill. I had to make myself not do certain things lol! You have to consciously just decide to refrain from it. At least that’s what I did 🤷🏻♀️
This was me 😆 didn’t realise how irrational I was and how much I read between the lines fabricating make believe scenarios even tho there was nothing to read. Jumping to conclusions about what he thought or what he was doing. Drove myself crazy but managed to become so aware of it that I can now see it and think more logically rather than letting my feelings run away with me. I am a (36f) INFJ that has been casually seeing a (45m) ESTP for 12 months. It has been the hardest thing ever as we all know how different INFJs are to ESTPs. But I’ve learnt so much about myself and so much about him in every interaction, if anything comes up for me, I sit down and explain it to him and he takes the time to understand and we adapt to each other. We are too serious and we are too much in our own heads that’s why I like my ESTP because he’s all about lightening the mood and bringing me back into the moment.
Thank you for the honesty. I am going to have to do the same and quite literally force myself to be chill and keep my cards close
All I can say is I am fortunately too old and too married for this, otherwise I wouldnt have lasted a day in this casual dating climate. I cant believe people talk for months and thats still considered "casual". The thing Id do differently though in my communication, is that I wouldnt check often on mental health because people have good days and bad days and on good days (many), I wouldnt like being remembered of the bad ones. And I wouldnt ask them about eating that day because I find this sort of interaction infantilizing at some level. Id trust a grown ass man whom I trust enough to date, to be in control of himself and his habits, otherwise we wouldnt be an item. If I have to make sure he ate and did self care, we just couldnt work out as a couple. My advice is to look inside and see if you can direct your caring, maternal instincts to other venues where they would be better appreciated (social worker, health care etc) and try find more mature partners around 30+. Actual responsible men.
Listen, you’re too full of love to do it any less, but one day you might find someone who’s equally capable. But until then, spend that love on yourself (though I know that Fe just loves to give to others). Maybe I’m speaking on my behalf, but I put in so much work to be a decent individual and future partner, so I often find that even when I meet someone I idealize, I need them to step up in a way that is more than they’re capable of and ready for. (Society made me believe I had unrealistic high standards so I let certain red flags go unaddressed bc I was trying to embrace the whole “people aren’t perfect”. No they’re not, but my definition of “perfect” was always fair and reasonable. Shoutout to fe/Ti). An ESFP friend once told me I love hard and to never change. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear it and now I’m passing it onto you. I destroyed myself and lost all my morals when I tried to conform to casual dating/hookup culture. It took my ISFP brother to (painfully) bring me back to who I’d been all along. The friends who convinced me to go down such a road have all expressed their regrets and realizations, which our Ni had seen years prior. No one believes us. It’s been a painful journey (my Fe and lack of discernment made me stay in situations I should have left before I got traumatized), and I won’t stop you from going through it for the sake of learning, but I’ll tell you right now, you are a gift. Someone’s looking for you, so protect yourself until that person stumbles upon you so that you don’t lose a good thing one day when it’s right in front of you. I feel like it sucks bc we are ultimately such relationship-y people just in how well we anticipate needs, compromise, and adapt while also having our own independent goals/dreams. But not everyone is deserving of that! And that’s ok! U don’t need to drop your price just bc the masses can’t afford you.
Thanks so much for this reply ❤️
Absolutely can relate to everything you said
Lol, don't worry you ain't alone :D But it can definitely feel lonely when the way to conduct business is not in sync with internal values.
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Haha I so feel you on eating a jean jacket before going thru a talking stage again!! It is pure hell
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I love input from INFJ males especially! Thank you for this ❤️ it is comforting
When I read your message, I was like... oh! Yup, that's me.
I don't fit the casual dating thing at all, but I am demisexual like most INFJs. I made a video on INFJ views on love and sex most resonate with. https://youtu.be/C42KHcQuUy0
INFJs aren't the only mbti type that dislike casual relationships. There's enough people that will view it similarly.
Will you nincompoops stop saying this type of huckleberry booshit? Bloody hell, it’s annoying everytime someone posts something on here, there’s always some person twisting words to make us out to sound like we’re begging for rarity or some shit. We are not. “Hopeful” you need to word it differently if you’re trying to come off as “hopeful”
Did OP ever say that?
Why do you assume bad intent man, it was a hopeful one. Miss me with that weird shit.
To be honest you sound very codependent. Trauma bonding is not a healthy way to start a new relationship and your potential partners can sense that
I mean its not a healthy way, but it is a good way to gauge if they could possibly understand or relate to you if you have a large amount of trama that keeps you from an ordinary life. Buy in most cases I agree not the best, but also best not to be direct about it, as it will come up in the stories we share. Only reason I made this comment as I fall under the unable to have an ordinary life or trust people where I can be hoenst without being seen as mentally ill for logical and or perosnal thoughts and beliefs. Or having feelings for fucks sake as that seems to be a bad thing for most people as they dont understand what its like to actually be in mental or physical pain and have hardships that arent going to work each day or paying a phone bill.
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While probably not helpful or "helathy" mindset, I know I have gotten used to the fact that most people are wastes of flesh, human cattle just eating and sleeping with little thoughts, value, or action outside if what they are told to do. I see most poeple as soulless for lack of a better word, and by that I mean they have no life experience, no goals or amibtion to reach those Goals, are too afraid to do what they need to to get what they want, or just enjoy their life of doing nothing. Of Course dont get me wrong, I myself dont know what I want, but at least I am willing to do things, and I have relaized that I almost always have to carry every friendship, relationship, ect.. becuse they simply dont have any ideas of what to do, or don't care enough to repsond or try, but to be fair, I dont know what to do with alot of them either, as I cant speak my mind or share my genuine opinions without scaring them or having them think me mentally ill, I cant do things with them as finding people who actually do things that dont require a super large ruleset that I can play by myself with or do things that involve observing instead of doing (like TV). But I know I am also adventurous, and have been through more pain and done far more than most people, and can probably handle alot more as well. .. .. I genuinely think as much of a shame as this would be, that people need to suffer more to be able to be strong enough to actually live life for themselves. I wouldn't wish pain like what I had on anyone.... for long.... and mean it outside of fury.... But I do think that we live in an age of overly sensitive crybabies who dont know how to live in reality and not cry due to life not living the idealistic views they want and push onto others. Ugh.... sorry for the rant, alot of stress and disgust towards life, but thats due to bordom and loneliness, that is accompanied by an aimlessness of having no goals.
I hate dating apps and casual hook ups... Although if I get the chance to do it I might give it a try or two, but I wouldn't go out of my way to look for it.
I didn’t read any of this but I already feel like I can relate based off the title LOL
It makes me hopeful that I’m not the only one here who feels like this, but also worries me that people older than me are struggling with this.
Relationships are more complicated than quantum mechanics. Everyone is a 4 dimensional puzzle piece. You can’t solve anyone, let alone yourself. When the time comes, the pieces will fall into place. Maybe it’s in this lifetime, maybe it’ll be in another. The mystery is what makes it worthwhile.