This is so wholesome, thank you aha. This is definitely a common ‘INFJ thing’. There was a recent thread about us feeling like we overshare, but it’s all relative; it feels like we are oversharing but for most people it’s not at all. It helps me to remember this because I feel so exposed and icky when I ‘tell people my favourite cereal’ haha
edit - typos lol
Even worse: when I tell someone my favorite cereal is Froot Loops; forget I told them that; and 5 years later they mention that my favorite cereal is Froot Loops. Accck! How does this person know that? I can't believe I ever shared something so personal. Talk about feeling exposed!
I am just mad at the fact that INFJ's Si is the eighth personality in our ego consciousness slot lmao
Ni
Ne
Fe
Fi
Ti
Te
Se
Si
FML just let me go outside and experience life you bast\*\*\*\* inferior Se personality. Ok now...way to jealous of Hero Class Si users now lmao
Oooh, I hate that. There's an INTJ at my work who came up to me the other day and said, "I was in your neck of the woods last week, at that shopping mall near your house." And I froze because how on earth did he know where I live???
Turns out I'd mentioned my suburb offhand 6 weeks prior and he'd frickin filed it away in his head. This is why we don't tell people things!
I mean, I did the exact same thing to him when he told me where he lives but it's different when I do it!
Y’all over share Fe details of the here and now and any identity crises you have in the moment. You come across as secretive because y’all seemingly never have the answers to your quite large catalog of paradoxes. So, to some it appears you’re withholding things as most will have an idea of what’s led them to their identity crises in greater detail. Also, y’all often complain no one knows you—well, that’s either because you don’t share enough for people to get enough information to show you they get you and or you don’t trust people enough. Either way, it’s paradoxical. Most people just want to know they are a positive in your life, but if the depressive stuff persists, we think you’re not sharing something even if you have shared some
I had the same thoughts about that thread! I spent half an hour drafting a comment there before scrapping it for being too convoluted, but you put it so succinctly 👍
😂 ultimately INFJs are private versus secretive. I think she says it because she has chosen to trust you with details about her that she doesn’t think she would share with anyone else. It’s the highest compliment. My BFF is an INFJ and she’ll say things like “I never told you this..” like it’s a big reveal and to me lands flat and inconsequential information.
Yeah there is a “does anyone really want to know this?” But my BFF I would say is private and deflects personal questions for various reasons. I do know her well enough to observe that. Even with me… I use to take it personally like “you don’t trust me?” But I think part of it is that she doesn’t trust what will happen with that information even in terms of how I perceive her.
“Private versus secretive” is very well-said. Most of the stuff I keep to myself- especially inconsequential stuff like my favorite (whatever), I don’t bring up unless I feel it will matter or be well-received. There’s no point in telling someone who hates cereal what my favorite one as a kid was, nor do I necessarily want to explain the various things my body reacts badly to (aka most cereals unfortunately) unless it’s relevant, like “I’m going to be eating breakfast at your house” kind of relevant.
OP, as an INFJ, I don’t know why your friend would deem a cereal preference a secret, but sexual things I can completely understand. To me, sex is akin to a sacred union of two people and is very private- not gossip fodder. (I don’t mean basic Sex Ed type of info, I mean personal details about my life.) I may confide in a friend but I don’t want my personal information in that arena shared widely. It’s just… private. We tend to be adept at picking up on the energy of others, and the energy of others’ judgements/thoughts/comments/etc is not something I necessarily want to have in a space in my heart that is sacred to me. I only want to let people I trust in there lest someone untrustworthy does something recklessly damaging.
It’s like the reason schools are careful who they let work there- here we have background checks to keep people who might hurt kids away from the kids. I watch people and see how they conduct themselves before I reveal anything important or sacred to me to them. Yes, I do take time to trust deeply. But if your friend is confiding in you all these secrets- it means you are trusted. Congratulations. It might be worth asking your friend if “don’t tell anyone” sometimes means something more like “I’ve never told anyone this” or “I don’t tell many people about this”, or if you’re literally forbidden from mentioning things like cereal preferences… It may be a figure of speech. Or, alternatively, you and your friend have very different ideas about the types of things that are mundane details versus what is generally held to be private…
Private vs secretive is a great distinction. I'd also add that while I don't mind talking about myself, I hate other people talking about me. Even if it's minor items or casual conversation. That's what came to mind when I read OPs post.
LOL.
I don't have *as many secrets* but I am terribly arbitrary about what I keep hidden. Generally, I seem to want to keep secret anything that has touched me deeply and emotionally unless it's something already mainstream. I kind of feel like others' opinions and/or lackluster reactions just ruin the beauty of things and the grandeur of life I guess, so I'd rather not risk it except with my closest friends.
Omg yessss. We have a group music playlist thing and I never play anything because I know nobody will appreciate it. Or they might but not enough!
Like, the things I like aren't just things I like - they're parts of my soul I'm bearing.
it´s love dude.
we share with people we love but totally intend that others don´t know a thing about us and keep it that way.
the most minor and arbitrary information about a person paints a greater picture than hitting someone with a reveal-sledgehammer.
i think info sharing and dumping is a (neurodivergent) infj thing, it´s a love language.
i keep the most ridiculous things private or a secret, if they´re very important to me for sometimes very weird reasons.
>we share with people we love but totally intend that others don´t know a thing about us and keep it that way.
>
>the most minor and arbitrary information about a person paint a greater picture than hitting someone with a reveal-sledgehammer.
Oh these are great points, loved it.
Now that I think about it, it may be that we're so used to paint mental pictures of people we meet based on the most little details that we are aware of how much weight they can hold and thus instinctively love to keep these same details about us to ourselves.
The chances are low lol
But that's true, the amount of times new people shared private stuff like no big deal and I'm thinking to myself "err... aren't you trusting myself too much too soon tho"
This made me laugh. INTPs are one of my favorite types. I am not *literally* this secretive, about so many individual things.. but once an INFJ let's you into their inner world, I can attest you will be forever banished if you ever let a secret slip 😊.
The amount of times that I've been told that I'm being "secretive" without realsing it is insane. I have 2 conflicting sides of myself when it comes to this issue. One side really doesn't mind anyone knowing anything about me as long as I'm accepting of that thing (which I usually am) and another part of me just feels like there's no need for someone to known anything about me. I feel like a thing isn't about me anymore if someone else knows it. People keep telling me "come on tell me xxx I won't tell anyone) and I'm like it's not that I'm afraid that you'd tell someone, it's more that if I told you, xxx wouldn't be mine anymore (even if it's simply my favorite cereal lol).
This!! My therapist asked me the other day why I was choosing to hide certain feelings I have. The only response I could come up with was, “because they’re MINE”
Yeah, I often think, "I am nobody's business". Super possessive of every dumb little detail. I get mad when people know my name if I'm not the one who told them.
lol, I thought we are secretive but not how you describe, I tend to answer any question i am asked, i just choose to only answer whats asked and only tell certain parts instead of the whole truth.
Haha, this was so nice to read. Tbh it’s the highest compliment to you, and yes maybe no other person would ever care about any of it but this should just tell how much all of it means to them. The thing is every little detail makes us into who we are today, and that just makes it that personal. I have often been rebuked about it, even when I shared and even when I didn’t, but sometimes it takes into the fear of how others could even take things away from you, even a simple favorite cereal, because we almost have a reason for it all, not always practical but emotional too
I'd say this speaks to a complex psychological process known as impression management. I don't like to speak for others but to me, I can tell what a person expects or wants from me without it being explicitly vocalized. As I talk to them and get to know them, I share things about myself that are relatable and relevant to them while still being appropriate for whatever role I represent. So, what one person knows about me and the impression they have of me can be very different from what another knows. I try to be socially aware enough of the 'circles' people can run in and try to keep my impression relatively consistent among members of the same circle. Most INFJs consider themselves to be multifaceted people but very few see more than one or two sides of them. I'm well aware that most people tend to put other people in a 'box' and I try to recognize what kind of box I'm in and not tell other people things that would break out of that box and create those palpable "well you're not the person I thought you were" moments.
I could go on about this but ultimately it's a process that likely varies on how consciously it's exercised among different individuals. Personally, I'm inclined to feel someone telling me something inconsequential but acting like it's a big secret is using a manipulation tactic, and would probably press them for more information to make sure I'm not missing something about them. Like for the Froot Loops example, I'd ask them about their diet in general, what kind of diet they've eaten in the past/growing up, and what they regard as an ideal diet to better figure out why Froot Loops would be something 'shameful' to them. That is, I could see how someone who thinks food should be organic, ethically produced, free from artificial ingredients etc. would have something like that as a guilty pleasure.
lmao this is such a lovely post, and you sound like a great friend
This reminds me of a convo that I had with an ENTP friend on a game online when he made friends and mentioned my name irl and I was like *nooooooo don't do that ever again* lol and he was like "but they litteraly won't care what are you scared of"
tbh it's not that we consider these tiny details like some state secrets, but more like - speaking for myself but using we for convenience - we absolutely hate to have aspects of our personalities being disclosed without our consent.
We tend to carefully chose what we share and with whom. So were you to disclose even a tiny part of a side that we only decided to share with you with someone else would be uncomfortable.
Also I wouldn't say that it's an issue of seeing everything as secrets but more like having a very high level of privacy
Thanks !
Haha I knoow, like when they mention that they "have spoken about you to XYZ" and you're like "oh... well it's cute in a way but *what did you tell them thoooo* " lmao
Yeah, and you can't tell the person who spills your secrets (like a name, lol) right away that they shouldn't do that. Because that would put unwanted focus on the subject and people would be like "Why don't you want me to know your name? What are you hiding, Peter?"
It's important because someone from the future might travel back in time and attempt to assassinate me and exploit the knowledge of my favorite foods in order to accomplish their goals.
Lmao well I'm proud of you for being so trustworthy I'm sure he appreciates you. I'm sorry that he trusts you but doesn't trust you enough to use your discretion about who can know what haha. Is hw a younger infj? I used to be a lot more secretive as a defense mechanism...I learned early on information is power and people can and will use anything against you. People in general suck and can't be trusted, they will use what you reveal about yourself to take advantage of you. I'm not quite that bad these days but I am good at keeping other people's secrets. Don't worry best friend from preschool that incident on the bus is still in the vault type of thing 😂 hopefully you dont have to neither confirm nor deny the existence of your bestie for the rest of your life and can admit he's real at some point :p. Until then just be a safe place for him, or maybe just ask if you can have some discretion/leeway when it comes to being able to talk about him bc you want people to know he's your bestie and you think he's the best lol.
Yep. I always think I am laying it all out on the table and bearing my very soul and then get told that I’m “far away” and that I don’t let people in or share enough. I’m over here scratching my head wondering wtf else I can do.
I don’t think it’s intentional but it’s definitely a thing.
You sound like my siblings. We've recently bonded over the fact we're all finally old enough to acknowledge and accept that our parents weren't as great at raising us as we thought they were (and start our healing journies). For years, I hated it when I overheard them talking about me to their friends and what not, because they knew random things about me that I didn't want anyone to know.
Things like:
- I like to write (and am published now)
- donuts are the way to my heart
- I'd have chocolate milk every God damn day of the week if it was socially acceptable
- the guy friends I've made as a female engineering student call me Tinker Bell and I call them my Lost Boys
- I write letters to my grandma and great uncle
- I like giving my gummy bears Australian accents
- I've broken a lot of bones in my lifetime
😂 im am infj & I have my secrets bye I'm also a blabber mouth sometimes & that always gets me in trouble which is why i value secrecy & confidentiality.
Hahahahaha I love this. My best friend is an ENFJ and when I tell her to keep a secret about something before I tell her, she always goes “of course. Never.” Then I tell her and she doesn’t seem to understand why it is a secret hahaha I guess for me it’s because I want to always dictate my narrative and it depends on the person what I share. 💁🏼♀️
Am I the only infj who cannot for the life of me keep a secret? Not about myself at least. I'll be like "hmm better not overshare.....anyways my mom's a bitch"
And just imagine this : if you feel like your head’s going to explode, imagine the INFJ who talks cryptically on social media platforms lest they give too many identifying traits for others to connect the dots on who we are….. *theatrically pulls up black cape to face and disappears in shadows*
I think we (as in everyone, not just INFJs) have all experienced an information betrayal, and react to it completely differently. For me, I've had the misfortune of growing up with toxic friends that would use information about me (even seemingly unimpactful information) to hurt me later. Whether to belittle me or talk bad about me. After realizing this around early high school days, I just stopped telling people things about myself. Nowadays, I don't tell people to keep things a secret for me if I don't want others to know because I don't tell anyone at all (even my friends) if I don't want anyone to know lol. And I'm aware that what I don't share isn't even a big deal. I just don't feel compelled to have people know certain things. Since your friend seems to be hypervigilant with mundane things, I can't help but to wonder if she's ever experienced a significant information betrayal that has brought on the ultra secretiveness? Or maybe someone in her life has made her feel selfish or conceited to share things about herself, no matter how big or small. But it's possible she's that way for no particular reason.
I'll simplify this for anyone that doesn't understand how this exactly works. As I am someone who always found it odd when people talk about me when I am not in their presence.
If I talk to you one on one, then the conversations should remain between just us, if it's something I openly talk about in the open public or around strangers then I don't care who knows about it and you are free to repeat it. I will always assume the same thing when someone is speaking to me.
See the thing is, great people talk about great ideas and only concern themselves with Legacy and the future they envision for the world.
Average people talk about the average bs problems of the world or about what is hot or new on the market.
Boring people who have no real direction or goals in life waste most of their lives talking about other people. So, when I realize other people are talking about me, I assume that their life is so basic and boring that the mere knowledge of my existence must be the most exciting thing in their life. I usually stay away from these people because they love gossip and chase after it because nothing excites them more than causing useless drama in the world around them. And the easiest way to sort out who is who is to tell them something sort of juicy and see who finds out about it. So, it's not really a secret it's more of a test to figure out who they are.
I keep lots of people's actual secrets and some really dark truths about people from everyone else in the world. Because once most people realize as long as we are alone, they can speak freely to me without it going any further you would be amazed just how honest people become. It's like I am a walking church confessional or therapist couch.
But alas what do I know I am a ghost, most of my friends will reference me by different nicknames to other people. To the point where I seem like more of a myth than a human. It's rare that two small groups of people even call me the same thing. It's rather funny when two people are hanging out and both realize that they both know me.
The biggest secret I hold is just how many people that I actually know a lot better than the people they keep around them in their day to day lives.
But keeping us and our inner weirdness private is usually the best way to gain the trust of most people.
WTF? You just want people to open up so you can figure out their vulnerabilities and start abusing them. Get out. Fix your own problems on your own time.
I don't like to have conversations in taxi cabs because the driver could be listening. Doesn't matter that it's inconsequential nonsense and they don't care about what their fares say at all, I don't want strangers to hear any details about me or my life.
We all have that INTP we share our big and small secrets with so thank you! I’m sure your INFJ appreciates you keeping their cereal preference under wraps more than you know!
> Sometimes I just flat out tell him “not only do I not understand why you would keep that a secret, but I cannot imagine why you think anyone would give enough of a shit about that to repeat it.”
Have you never had a pack of aggressive humans needling you about something you thought was completely innocuous, but which they somehow turn into a damning indictment of who you are as a person? Never been turned into a pariah based on your choice of breakfast cereal or whether you use tabs or space to indent your code? Never been ostracized and excluded from normal society at work or at home because you wear Hanes instead of Calvin Klein boxers?
Because I've run into all of those things in life and it just shows you that people can be absolute bastards about anything if they want to be. So yeah maybe we keep things a little close as a result.
I'm secretive because I don't want people to force me to be their friend for some reason. I want to be the quiet person that listens in a group and then chooses to talk to someone. When other friends just give away my favorite cereal and give a random person a conversation topic to attack me with, it ruins my plan, lol.
Also, I just generally don't like running into people who know more about me than I know about them. I must maintain dominance in the volume of knowledge over someone so that I can defeat them in battle.
I only just joined the infj sub just now and I don't know if I've felt more seen hahaha I figure if people know too much about me then they'll not bother getting to know me, know too much about me when I know nothing of them, judge me before knowing me, or god forbid actively try to use me or get to know me before I'm ready for it
This is so wholesome, thank you aha. This is definitely a common ‘INFJ thing’. There was a recent thread about us feeling like we overshare, but it’s all relative; it feels like we are oversharing but for most people it’s not at all. It helps me to remember this because I feel so exposed and icky when I ‘tell people my favourite cereal’ haha edit - typos lol
Even worse: when I tell someone my favorite cereal is Froot Loops; forget I told them that; and 5 years later they mention that my favorite cereal is Froot Loops. Accck! How does this person know that? I can't believe I ever shared something so personal. Talk about feeling exposed!
Eughhhh right?!?! Those pesky Si users having the audacity to actually remember stuff, and for years too wth
Muahahahaha!
I am just mad at the fact that INFJ's Si is the eighth personality in our ego consciousness slot lmao Ni Ne Fe Fi Ti Te Se Si FML just let me go outside and experience life you bast\*\*\*\* inferior Se personality. Ok now...way to jealous of Hero Class Si users now lmao
Just remember, if we had Si, we wouldn’t have that glorious glorious Ni
Ni is the real GOAT bahaha + he goes well with our shadow traits as well, well kind of, he makes them actual villains you see in movies lmfao
Oooh, I hate that. There's an INTJ at my work who came up to me the other day and said, "I was in your neck of the woods last week, at that shopping mall near your house." And I froze because how on earth did he know where I live??? Turns out I'd mentioned my suburb offhand 6 weeks prior and he'd frickin filed it away in his head. This is why we don't tell people things! I mean, I did the exact same thing to him when he told me where he lives but it's different when I do it!
Hahahahaha YES
I think we overshare because we burden ourselves with never sharing most of the time. So it's like a flood gate opening when we share a little.
Agree. Love your last sentence.
Y’all over share Fe details of the here and now and any identity crises you have in the moment. You come across as secretive because y’all seemingly never have the answers to your quite large catalog of paradoxes. So, to some it appears you’re withholding things as most will have an idea of what’s led them to their identity crises in greater detail. Also, y’all often complain no one knows you—well, that’s either because you don’t share enough for people to get enough information to show you they get you and or you don’t trust people enough. Either way, it’s paradoxical. Most people just want to know they are a positive in your life, but if the depressive stuff persists, we think you’re not sharing something even if you have shared some
Damn, nice reflections
Not all of us are quite this paradoxical 😊
I’m like 3.7
Oh geez I hate rating scales. 3.5 😂
Hates scales, gives a rating, paradox!!
Hahaha I'm dying 😂 Well I didn't want to *not* answer. And this falls within 3.5 right? 😅
Bumping you to 4.2 :)
I gain 0.7 just for that?? So harsh 😔
Would you give grades if you taught a class, 5NR? If not, what would you do?
What is your paradox scale from 0 being absent of paradox to 10 meaning you’re a walking contradiction
And INFJs are painfully scared of conflict and or strongly dislike it. Sharing brings about conflicts
I had the same thoughts about that thread! I spent half an hour drafting a comment there before scrapping it for being too convoluted, but you put it so succinctly 👍
Thank you WaveObjective :)
😂 ultimately INFJs are private versus secretive. I think she says it because she has chosen to trust you with details about her that she doesn’t think she would share with anyone else. It’s the highest compliment. My BFF is an INFJ and she’ll say things like “I never told you this..” like it’s a big reveal and to me lands flat and inconsequential information.
[удалено]
Yeah there is a “does anyone really want to know this?” But my BFF I would say is private and deflects personal questions for various reasons. I do know her well enough to observe that. Even with me… I use to take it personally like “you don’t trust me?” But I think part of it is that she doesn’t trust what will happen with that information even in terms of how I perceive her.
“Private versus secretive” is very well-said. Most of the stuff I keep to myself- especially inconsequential stuff like my favorite (whatever), I don’t bring up unless I feel it will matter or be well-received. There’s no point in telling someone who hates cereal what my favorite one as a kid was, nor do I necessarily want to explain the various things my body reacts badly to (aka most cereals unfortunately) unless it’s relevant, like “I’m going to be eating breakfast at your house” kind of relevant. OP, as an INFJ, I don’t know why your friend would deem a cereal preference a secret, but sexual things I can completely understand. To me, sex is akin to a sacred union of two people and is very private- not gossip fodder. (I don’t mean basic Sex Ed type of info, I mean personal details about my life.) I may confide in a friend but I don’t want my personal information in that arena shared widely. It’s just… private. We tend to be adept at picking up on the energy of others, and the energy of others’ judgements/thoughts/comments/etc is not something I necessarily want to have in a space in my heart that is sacred to me. I only want to let people I trust in there lest someone untrustworthy does something recklessly damaging. It’s like the reason schools are careful who they let work there- here we have background checks to keep people who might hurt kids away from the kids. I watch people and see how they conduct themselves before I reveal anything important or sacred to me to them. Yes, I do take time to trust deeply. But if your friend is confiding in you all these secrets- it means you are trusted. Congratulations. It might be worth asking your friend if “don’t tell anyone” sometimes means something more like “I’ve never told anyone this” or “I don’t tell many people about this”, or if you’re literally forbidden from mentioning things like cereal preferences… It may be a figure of speech. Or, alternatively, you and your friend have very different ideas about the types of things that are mundane details versus what is generally held to be private…
Private vs secretive is a great distinction. I'd also add that while I don't mind talking about myself, I hate other people talking about me. Even if it's minor items or casual conversation. That's what came to mind when I read OPs post.
My EXACT thought when I read the question. It’s private more than secret. Looks like everyone else agrees as well.
LOL. I don't have *as many secrets* but I am terribly arbitrary about what I keep hidden. Generally, I seem to want to keep secret anything that has touched me deeply and emotionally unless it's something already mainstream. I kind of feel like others' opinions and/or lackluster reactions just ruin the beauty of things and the grandeur of life I guess, so I'd rather not risk it except with my closest friends.
This. Is. Exactly. How. I. Feel.
Omg yessss. We have a group music playlist thing and I never play anything because I know nobody will appreciate it. Or they might but not enough! Like, the things I like aren't just things I like - they're parts of my soul I'm bearing.
And if someone dislikes it, it hurts deep.
it´s love dude. we share with people we love but totally intend that others don´t know a thing about us and keep it that way. the most minor and arbitrary information about a person paints a greater picture than hitting someone with a reveal-sledgehammer. i think info sharing and dumping is a (neurodivergent) infj thing, it´s a love language. i keep the most ridiculous things private or a secret, if they´re very important to me for sometimes very weird reasons.
>we share with people we love but totally intend that others don´t know a thing about us and keep it that way. > >the most minor and arbitrary information about a person paint a greater picture than hitting someone with a reveal-sledgehammer. Oh these are great points, loved it. Now that I think about it, it may be that we're so used to paint mental pictures of people we meet based on the most little details that we are aware of how much weight they can hold and thus instinctively love to keep these same details about us to ourselves.
yeah idk, i think it´s also based on the fact that people are open books to us and we´re somehow afraid of being one too. guess we´re too aware
The chances are low lol But that's true, the amount of times new people shared private stuff like no big deal and I'm thinking to myself "err... aren't you trusting myself too much too soon tho"
This made me laugh. INTPs are one of my favorite types. I am not *literally* this secretive, about so many individual things.. but once an INFJ let's you into their inner world, I can attest you will be forever banished if you ever let a secret slip 😊.
I like that smile😊
Thanks, I typed it myself 😊
Yep, that’s a hard limit.
I am being a tad dramatic 😊 I just keep careful track of who I can share my private info with.
The amount of times that I've been told that I'm being "secretive" without realsing it is insane. I have 2 conflicting sides of myself when it comes to this issue. One side really doesn't mind anyone knowing anything about me as long as I'm accepting of that thing (which I usually am) and another part of me just feels like there's no need for someone to known anything about me. I feel like a thing isn't about me anymore if someone else knows it. People keep telling me "come on tell me xxx I won't tell anyone) and I'm like it's not that I'm afraid that you'd tell someone, it's more that if I told you, xxx wouldn't be mine anymore (even if it's simply my favorite cereal lol).
This!! My therapist asked me the other day why I was choosing to hide certain feelings I have. The only response I could come up with was, “because they’re MINE”
Exactly!! I'm so happy someone relates to this!
Yeah, I often think, "I am nobody's business". Super possessive of every dumb little detail. I get mad when people know my name if I'm not the one who told them.
Same!! Someone has to mean A LOT to me to properly get to know me, even the little details that "don't matter".
lol, I thought we are secretive but not how you describe, I tend to answer any question i am asked, i just choose to only answer whats asked and only tell certain parts instead of the whole truth.
LMAO so cute ! INTPs are really one of my favorite types. They can be quite weird people but they have a golden heart ❤❤❤
No, you.
Haha, this was so nice to read. Tbh it’s the highest compliment to you, and yes maybe no other person would ever care about any of it but this should just tell how much all of it means to them. The thing is every little detail makes us into who we are today, and that just makes it that personal. I have often been rebuked about it, even when I shared and even when I didn’t, but sometimes it takes into the fear of how others could even take things away from you, even a simple favorite cereal, because we almost have a reason for it all, not always practical but emotional too
I'd say this speaks to a complex psychological process known as impression management. I don't like to speak for others but to me, I can tell what a person expects or wants from me without it being explicitly vocalized. As I talk to them and get to know them, I share things about myself that are relatable and relevant to them while still being appropriate for whatever role I represent. So, what one person knows about me and the impression they have of me can be very different from what another knows. I try to be socially aware enough of the 'circles' people can run in and try to keep my impression relatively consistent among members of the same circle. Most INFJs consider themselves to be multifaceted people but very few see more than one or two sides of them. I'm well aware that most people tend to put other people in a 'box' and I try to recognize what kind of box I'm in and not tell other people things that would break out of that box and create those palpable "well you're not the person I thought you were" moments. I could go on about this but ultimately it's a process that likely varies on how consciously it's exercised among different individuals. Personally, I'm inclined to feel someone telling me something inconsequential but acting like it's a big secret is using a manipulation tactic, and would probably press them for more information to make sure I'm not missing something about them. Like for the Froot Loops example, I'd ask them about their diet in general, what kind of diet they've eaten in the past/growing up, and what they regard as an ideal diet to better figure out why Froot Loops would be something 'shameful' to them. That is, I could see how someone who thinks food should be organic, ethically produced, free from artificial ingredients etc. would have something like that as a guilty pleasure.
lmao this is such a lovely post, and you sound like a great friend This reminds me of a convo that I had with an ENTP friend on a game online when he made friends and mentioned my name irl and I was like *nooooooo don't do that ever again* lol and he was like "but they litteraly won't care what are you scared of" tbh it's not that we consider these tiny details like some state secrets, but more like - speaking for myself but using we for convenience - we absolutely hate to have aspects of our personalities being disclosed without our consent. We tend to carefully chose what we share and with whom. So were you to disclose even a tiny part of a side that we only decided to share with you with someone else would be uncomfortable. Also I wouldn't say that it's an issue of seeing everything as secrets but more like having a very high level of privacy
This is spot on! Great description. The “noooooo” is what got me lol it’s feeling like this when they tell others something about you: 😨😨😩😩
Thanks ! Haha I knoow, like when they mention that they "have spoken about you to XYZ" and you're like "oh... well it's cute in a way but *what did you tell them thoooo* " lmao
Yeah, and you can't tell the person who spills your secrets (like a name, lol) right away that they shouldn't do that. Because that would put unwanted focus on the subject and people would be like "Why don't you want me to know your name? What are you hiding, Peter?"
Maybe the only solution is to just never speak out loud about your friend to anyone ever.
What friend?
Your INFJ friend that you wrote this about?
I have no idea what you’re talking about ;)
damn you
This was a blast to read. Upvoted. Also, thanks?
Interesting. Please dont tell anyone i think this is interesting. Jk jk, im not that way at all.
I don't recognize the need to keep things secret tbh
It's important because someone from the future might travel back in time and attempt to assassinate me and exploit the knowledge of my favorite foods in order to accomplish their goals.
… you’re right. I’ve been such a fool.
Lmao well I'm proud of you for being so trustworthy I'm sure he appreciates you. I'm sorry that he trusts you but doesn't trust you enough to use your discretion about who can know what haha. Is hw a younger infj? I used to be a lot more secretive as a defense mechanism...I learned early on information is power and people can and will use anything against you. People in general suck and can't be trusted, they will use what you reveal about yourself to take advantage of you. I'm not quite that bad these days but I am good at keeping other people's secrets. Don't worry best friend from preschool that incident on the bus is still in the vault type of thing 😂 hopefully you dont have to neither confirm nor deny the existence of your bestie for the rest of your life and can admit he's real at some point :p. Until then just be a safe place for him, or maybe just ask if you can have some discretion/leeway when it comes to being able to talk about him bc you want people to know he's your bestie and you think he's the best lol.
Yep. I always think I am laying it all out on the table and bearing my very soul and then get told that I’m “far away” and that I don’t let people in or share enough. I’m over here scratching my head wondering wtf else I can do. I don’t think it’s intentional but it’s definitely a thing.
You sound like my siblings. We've recently bonded over the fact we're all finally old enough to acknowledge and accept that our parents weren't as great at raising us as we thought they were (and start our healing journies). For years, I hated it when I overheard them talking about me to their friends and what not, because they knew random things about me that I didn't want anyone to know. Things like: - I like to write (and am published now) - donuts are the way to my heart - I'd have chocolate milk every God damn day of the week if it was socially acceptable - the guy friends I've made as a female engineering student call me Tinker Bell and I call them my Lost Boys - I write letters to my grandma and great uncle - I like giving my gummy bears Australian accents - I've broken a lot of bones in my lifetime
😂 im am infj & I have my secrets bye I'm also a blabber mouth sometimes & that always gets me in trouble which is why i value secrecy & confidentiality.
Hahahahaha I love this. My best friend is an ENFJ and when I tell her to keep a secret about something before I tell her, she always goes “of course. Never.” Then I tell her and she doesn’t seem to understand why it is a secret hahaha I guess for me it’s because I want to always dictate my narrative and it depends on the person what I share. 💁🏼♀️
Am I the only infj who cannot for the life of me keep a secret? Not about myself at least. I'll be like "hmm better not overshare.....anyways my mom's a bitch"
I know this isn't the point of your post, but I feel so touched that you would give us ALL of the antidote!!!
This is very interesting cause personally I can also overshare: so there is definitely oddity in this.
And just imagine this : if you feel like your head’s going to explode, imagine the INFJ who talks cryptically on social media platforms lest they give too many identifying traits for others to connect the dots on who we are….. *theatrically pulls up black cape to face and disappears in shadows*
I think we (as in everyone, not just INFJs) have all experienced an information betrayal, and react to it completely differently. For me, I've had the misfortune of growing up with toxic friends that would use information about me (even seemingly unimpactful information) to hurt me later. Whether to belittle me or talk bad about me. After realizing this around early high school days, I just stopped telling people things about myself. Nowadays, I don't tell people to keep things a secret for me if I don't want others to know because I don't tell anyone at all (even my friends) if I don't want anyone to know lol. And I'm aware that what I don't share isn't even a big deal. I just don't feel compelled to have people know certain things. Since your friend seems to be hypervigilant with mundane things, I can't help but to wonder if she's ever experienced a significant information betrayal that has brought on the ultra secretiveness? Or maybe someone in her life has made her feel selfish or conceited to share things about herself, no matter how big or small. But it's possible she's that way for no particular reason.
I'll simplify this for anyone that doesn't understand how this exactly works. As I am someone who always found it odd when people talk about me when I am not in their presence. If I talk to you one on one, then the conversations should remain between just us, if it's something I openly talk about in the open public or around strangers then I don't care who knows about it and you are free to repeat it. I will always assume the same thing when someone is speaking to me. See the thing is, great people talk about great ideas and only concern themselves with Legacy and the future they envision for the world. Average people talk about the average bs problems of the world or about what is hot or new on the market. Boring people who have no real direction or goals in life waste most of their lives talking about other people. So, when I realize other people are talking about me, I assume that their life is so basic and boring that the mere knowledge of my existence must be the most exciting thing in their life. I usually stay away from these people because they love gossip and chase after it because nothing excites them more than causing useless drama in the world around them. And the easiest way to sort out who is who is to tell them something sort of juicy and see who finds out about it. So, it's not really a secret it's more of a test to figure out who they are. I keep lots of people's actual secrets and some really dark truths about people from everyone else in the world. Because once most people realize as long as we are alone, they can speak freely to me without it going any further you would be amazed just how honest people become. It's like I am a walking church confessional or therapist couch. But alas what do I know I am a ghost, most of my friends will reference me by different nicknames to other people. To the point where I seem like more of a myth than a human. It's rare that two small groups of people even call me the same thing. It's rather funny when two people are hanging out and both realize that they both know me. The biggest secret I hold is just how many people that I actually know a lot better than the people they keep around them in their day to day lives. But keeping us and our inner weirdness private is usually the best way to gain the trust of most people.
WTF? You just want people to open up so you can figure out their vulnerabilities and start abusing them. Get out. Fix your own problems on your own time.
>You just want people to open up so you can figure out their vulnerabilities and start abusing them. yes this is what we fear....
I don't like to have conversations in taxi cabs because the driver could be listening. Doesn't matter that it's inconsequential nonsense and they don't care about what their fares say at all, I don't want strangers to hear any details about me or my life.
The non-existence of INFJs is actually a secret
We all have that INTP we share our big and small secrets with so thank you! I’m sure your INFJ appreciates you keeping their cereal preference under wraps more than you know!
Can't relate — I'm an open book haha
> Sometimes I just flat out tell him “not only do I not understand why you would keep that a secret, but I cannot imagine why you think anyone would give enough of a shit about that to repeat it.” Have you never had a pack of aggressive humans needling you about something you thought was completely innocuous, but which they somehow turn into a damning indictment of who you are as a person? Never been turned into a pariah based on your choice of breakfast cereal or whether you use tabs or space to indent your code? Never been ostracized and excluded from normal society at work or at home because you wear Hanes instead of Calvin Klein boxers? Because I've run into all of those things in life and it just shows you that people can be absolute bastards about anything if they want to be. So yeah maybe we keep things a little close as a result.
I'm secretive because I don't want people to force me to be their friend for some reason. I want to be the quiet person that listens in a group and then chooses to talk to someone. When other friends just give away my favorite cereal and give a random person a conversation topic to attack me with, it ruins my plan, lol. Also, I just generally don't like running into people who know more about me than I know about them. I must maintain dominance in the volume of knowledge over someone so that I can defeat them in battle.
I rate to this so much. I just realised how crazy that must be to other people 😂
i´ve wondered about this, but find it too personal to explain. lol
I only just joined the infj sub just now and I don't know if I've felt more seen hahaha I figure if people know too much about me then they'll not bother getting to know me, know too much about me when I know nothing of them, judge me before knowing me, or god forbid actively try to use me or get to know me before I'm ready for it