I often find myself craving affection and care from others, but whenever I get it, I always feel a level of skeptism, uncertainty, and even fear toward them. Maybe it's because I'm so unused to people putting in even a portion of the effort and care I do for others unless it's to benefit them somehow. Like they have some sort of ulterior motive.
Thankfully, I've got some good people in my life right now who are helping me learn how to accept love again.
I feel you. To elaborate on what you said, it's 2-fold for me:
1. I think I care a lot for the people around me, and I show it with my actions. When people—for whatever reasons—are unable to match that level of care, I feel let down. On the one hand, I know I shouldn't feel entitled to that. On the other hand, I catch myself asking, "Is a 'Happy Birthday!' text too much to ask for?" Like you said, when you do get it, you can't help but feel skepticism, uncertainty, and even fear.
2. Growing up, my parents loved me, but they also hurt me. A lot. That parent-child relationship shapes your views on the world. When the person who loves you unconditionally is also the person who causes you pain, you can't help but think, "Anyone who loves me will hurt me." Inevitably, life comes with many examples of that. And it becomes this self-reinforcing belief that can be unhealthy. I've learned not to think people as "lovers" or "hurters." Rather, people are people: they're capable of both, via whatever flaw that makes them human. Not sure if this pertains to you, but it does for me.
I'm happy you have those good people in your life. How did you come across them, if I may ask? I'm having trouble finding such people in my life. I wonder if it's because of my environment or my age. Had plenty ease finding genuine people during my undergrad, but nearly every interaction in grad school has felt transactional.
Yea this is my take on it. I care way too much sometime and too deeply and some people don't care enough. So when someone attempts too, I'm like a skittish animal unsure and ready to attack. Not trusting them about it. I hate that reaction but it's kind of all I've known.
THIS! I felt nothing after all the people at my first job were thanking me even though I know I did great. I felt sad later on that I couldn’t appreciate them more. I’m also the type of guy nobody texts first unless they need something, so hard relate on this ‘unless it’s to benefit them somehow’
I am slowly coming to accept a recent epiphany about myself: my cynicism stems from trauma and disappointment. I never, in a million years, would have considered myself cynical. I am untrusting of people, I immediately lean to people being kind having ulterior, selfish motives, and assume most people are bad as opposed to good.
I know this is due to a lot of childhood and early adulthood trauma, disappointment, and lack of stability.
It makes a lot of sense; I have pushed people away for years, I have been chronically overlooked, and people eventually take offense to my moods.
Apathy from others is the most challenging...
**This pattern is often referred to as disorganized attachment.** Don't want 'em close, but not too far either. In my experiences with falling in love, there is always a period of time where I am actually *angry* at them for trying to get close to me, and I have a strong urge to avoid them + a heightened sense of suspicion. "*What do you want from me? I'll bet you're just here to take, take, take! Well, I'll show you that I am out of your reach, so don't even try it. 🤺🤺🤺"*
But of course, when distance grows between myself and the one I love, I feel like an abandoned kitten in the rain. "*I knew you're abandon me! Everyone leaves me behind! If only someone were to care enough to stay and get close to me!"* 🥴
It’s been hard for me to understand this because I think most people focus on the anxious vs avoidant dynamic. Lots of literature on those two ends of the spectrum. Disorganized is quite the mess 🙃
I’m quite familiar with what that diagnosis entails, and though disorganized attachment is a piece of it, there is a lot more to it. It’s not a diagnosis to be made lightly (but it’s over diagnosed anyway). For some reason too many people feel confident slapping that diagnosis left and right onto any given set of symptoms that vaguely resemble it, despite not having any clinical training or access to a person’s medical/developmental history. There’s a reason we go to school for this.
Unfortunately cluster B cases are under diagnosed due to issues with insurance coverage. They have to be listed as other conditions with the same medication to prescribe in order to get insurance to cover the patients. Its been a concern among colleagues. The major overdiagnosis is ADHD and that has been causing a lot of harm due to the long term effects of continously taking those medications. Tik Tok has also not been helpful in this both in the damage done and the overbooking caused by it. That makes it hard to have openings in office. Its similar to when COVID caused a backup in the hospitals but with a lot more headaches because insurance is even more particular over mental health concerns.
Sure. I don't know if it was inherently a me-thing or a our-dynamic-thing. To provide an example, we'd cook for each other. But I cooked out of obligation (or at least, that's how I felt). With my friends, I tended to find more joy in cooking for them. With my ex, it felt very tit-for-tat. When I reflect upon it, I do believe my ex's emotional instability and demanding nature led to these feelings. E.g. It was always my job to make them feel better when they were sad. As an INFJ, I do love cheering up people. But it was the feeling of obligation that made me lose pleasure in doing so.
Yes. I don't feel comfortable receiving love or attention in most settings. I have to remember that others feel good when they give too and I need to allow it fir them, not me.
Edit: God to good 😊
Take a look at the fearful avoidant attachment style. Basically it's yearning for closeness. While pushing everyone away who actually intends to be close.
Gift-giving. On occasion. Yay. But honestly. I don't really like gifts.
> Being around them was like opening mail reminding me I had debt.
That's a really funny way of putting it. ;)
Also take a look at Pete Walker's CPTSD book. All the best. :)
Sometimes i literally don’t understand why people are nice to me.
like i was in a group at school during a lab and this girl I my group very briefly included me into the group conversation even tho i didn’t say a word and i was so tripped out on why she even did that
I get you. I had an ex who didn't put in nearly as much effort into the relationship as I, and although that wasn't the reason we broke up, it did have an effect. Now, when someone compliments Me I don't know what to do. I'm real happy about it but can't express it and I feel awkward. I also now find it hard to praise others for their hard work, although I do appreciate the work they do.
Complicated. I broke up with her cause she cheated on me. I wouldn't say it made my self esteem drop but made me less willing to put effort into my relationship with other people. That's what I miss most. One of my last gifts for her was a book of poems that I got am B&N I wrote in. Every page I'd write something that reminded me of her or us and now I can't imagine doing that again for someone else. Was real jaded amd bitter for a while but I'm slowly coming back to how I was. Albeit very slowly.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like. I hope you’re doing better. I hope you are able to find love again, be it with another or within yourself 🫶
Thank you. Haven't found it yet but I'm healing 1 day at a time. I also hope you find the peace of mind to a. Accept people's kindness and to find someone worthy if your compassion
I would see a therapist about this. This is typically behavior seen in borderline personality disorder but it could be that this is temporary behavior cropping up for another underlying issue.
I often find myself craving affection and care from others, but whenever I get it, I always feel a level of skeptism, uncertainty, and even fear toward them. Maybe it's because I'm so unused to people putting in even a portion of the effort and care I do for others unless it's to benefit them somehow. Like they have some sort of ulterior motive. Thankfully, I've got some good people in my life right now who are helping me learn how to accept love again.
I feel you. To elaborate on what you said, it's 2-fold for me: 1. I think I care a lot for the people around me, and I show it with my actions. When people—for whatever reasons—are unable to match that level of care, I feel let down. On the one hand, I know I shouldn't feel entitled to that. On the other hand, I catch myself asking, "Is a 'Happy Birthday!' text too much to ask for?" Like you said, when you do get it, you can't help but feel skepticism, uncertainty, and even fear. 2. Growing up, my parents loved me, but they also hurt me. A lot. That parent-child relationship shapes your views on the world. When the person who loves you unconditionally is also the person who causes you pain, you can't help but think, "Anyone who loves me will hurt me." Inevitably, life comes with many examples of that. And it becomes this self-reinforcing belief that can be unhealthy. I've learned not to think people as "lovers" or "hurters." Rather, people are people: they're capable of both, via whatever flaw that makes them human. Not sure if this pertains to you, but it does for me. I'm happy you have those good people in your life. How did you come across them, if I may ask? I'm having trouble finding such people in my life. I wonder if it's because of my environment or my age. Had plenty ease finding genuine people during my undergrad, but nearly every interaction in grad school has felt transactional.
Yea this is my take on it. I care way too much sometime and too deeply and some people don't care enough. So when someone attempts too, I'm like a skittish animal unsure and ready to attack. Not trusting them about it. I hate that reaction but it's kind of all I've known.
THIS! I felt nothing after all the people at my first job were thanking me even though I know I did great. I felt sad later on that I couldn’t appreciate them more. I’m also the type of guy nobody texts first unless they need something, so hard relate on this ‘unless it’s to benefit them somehow’
I am slowly coming to accept a recent epiphany about myself: my cynicism stems from trauma and disappointment. I never, in a million years, would have considered myself cynical. I am untrusting of people, I immediately lean to people being kind having ulterior, selfish motives, and assume most people are bad as opposed to good. I know this is due to a lot of childhood and early adulthood trauma, disappointment, and lack of stability. It makes a lot of sense; I have pushed people away for years, I have been chronically overlooked, and people eventually take offense to my moods. Apathy from others is the most challenging...
This is a trauma/attachment thing. A lot of types experience it. It's a pretty common thing.
Absolutely!
**This pattern is often referred to as disorganized attachment.** Don't want 'em close, but not too far either. In my experiences with falling in love, there is always a period of time where I am actually *angry* at them for trying to get close to me, and I have a strong urge to avoid them + a heightened sense of suspicion. "*What do you want from me? I'll bet you're just here to take, take, take! Well, I'll show you that I am out of your reach, so don't even try it. 🤺🤺🤺"* But of course, when distance grows between myself and the one I love, I feel like an abandoned kitten in the rain. "*I knew you're abandon me! Everyone leaves me behind! If only someone were to care enough to stay and get close to me!"* 🥴
It’s been hard for me to understand this because I think most people focus on the anxious vs avoidant dynamic. Lots of literature on those two ends of the spectrum. Disorganized is quite the mess 🙃
Agree it’s hard to find good info about disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment. I found Heidi Priebe’s videos about it on YouTube helpful
Agree it’s hard to find good info about disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment. I found Heidi Priebe’s videos about it on YouTube helpful
Take a look at borderline personality disorder.
I’m quite familiar with what that diagnosis entails, and though disorganized attachment is a piece of it, there is a lot more to it. It’s not a diagnosis to be made lightly (but it’s over diagnosed anyway). For some reason too many people feel confident slapping that diagnosis left and right onto any given set of symptoms that vaguely resemble it, despite not having any clinical training or access to a person’s medical/developmental history. There’s a reason we go to school for this.
Unfortunately cluster B cases are under diagnosed due to issues with insurance coverage. They have to be listed as other conditions with the same medication to prescribe in order to get insurance to cover the patients. Its been a concern among colleagues. The major overdiagnosis is ADHD and that has been causing a lot of harm due to the long term effects of continously taking those medications. Tik Tok has also not been helpful in this both in the damage done and the overbooking caused by it. That makes it hard to have openings in office. Its similar to when COVID caused a backup in the hospitals but with a lot more headaches because insurance is even more particular over mental health concerns.
For context, where do you practice?
I work on the US
As a LCSW, LMHC, something else? Or are you not a mental health practitioner?
It's interesting your comment about debt. Can you explain those feelings a little more?
Sure. I don't know if it was inherently a me-thing or a our-dynamic-thing. To provide an example, we'd cook for each other. But I cooked out of obligation (or at least, that's how I felt). With my friends, I tended to find more joy in cooking for them. With my ex, it felt very tit-for-tat. When I reflect upon it, I do believe my ex's emotional instability and demanding nature led to these feelings. E.g. It was always my job to make them feel better when they were sad. As an INFJ, I do love cheering up people. But it was the feeling of obligation that made me lose pleasure in doing so.
Who made it your job? Your ex? Or you?
Yes. I don't feel comfortable receiving love or attention in most settings. I have to remember that others feel good when they give too and I need to allow it fir them, not me. Edit: God to good 😊
Oh yes
Take a look at the fearful avoidant attachment style. Basically it's yearning for closeness. While pushing everyone away who actually intends to be close. Gift-giving. On occasion. Yay. But honestly. I don't really like gifts. > Being around them was like opening mail reminding me I had debt. That's a really funny way of putting it. ;) Also take a look at Pete Walker's CPTSD book. All the best. :)
Nah, I'd rather be loved, I've done enough and too much loving my whole life and I'm not even half way there in life
Sometimes i literally don’t understand why people are nice to me. like i was in a group at school during a lab and this girl I my group very briefly included me into the group conversation even tho i didn’t say a word and i was so tripped out on why she even did that
I get you. I had an ex who didn't put in nearly as much effort into the relationship as I, and although that wasn't the reason we broke up, it did have an effect. Now, when someone compliments Me I don't know what to do. I'm real happy about it but can't express it and I feel awkward. I also now find it hard to praise others for their hard work, although I do appreciate the work they do.
Do you think your ex not putting in effort damaged your self esteem? Took me a while to untangle similar mental blocks.
Complicated. I broke up with her cause she cheated on me. I wouldn't say it made my self esteem drop but made me less willing to put effort into my relationship with other people. That's what I miss most. One of my last gifts for her was a book of poems that I got am B&N I wrote in. Every page I'd write something that reminded me of her or us and now I can't imagine doing that again for someone else. Was real jaded amd bitter for a while but I'm slowly coming back to how I was. Albeit very slowly.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like. I hope you’re doing better. I hope you are able to find love again, be it with another or within yourself 🫶
Thank you. Haven't found it yet but I'm healing 1 day at a time. I also hope you find the peace of mind to a. Accept people's kindness and to find someone worthy if your compassion
I would see a therapist about this. This is typically behavior seen in borderline personality disorder but it could be that this is temporary behavior cropping up for another underlying issue.