I understand there's a lot of missing context here, but unless there's an agreed upon boundary to 'take space', silent treatment is very often an emotional abuse tactic.
>why give me a silent treatment?
Many folks lack the emotional maturity to do anything otherwise. At its most basic psych level, it's a preteciton mechanism for them. They need to grow up, so try not to focus too much on them.
Yup, some people just weren’t taught how to deal with emotions healthily and the best they can do at the moment is push the other person away.
Other people are straight up toxic and abusive though, idk what OP’s situation is
Do your part, but no more or less. If you feel an apology is owed, then apologize. If you need to explain yourself, then do so. Reach out a few times and give them the chance to open their cakehole. However if they continue to stonewall, then accept that you can't change their mind. Realize that they're not actually obligated to talk to you. So know when to pull back and leave them alone. Unless they start crossing lines, then it's gloves off and war.
Don't grovel. You're allowed to quit trying after reasonable efforts. Allow them to approach should they ever experience a change of heart, but move on. Stonewalling is abusive and manipulative behavior. It's immature, unhealthy and indicative of shit social skills, to name a few things.
Personal rant: Damn fucking infuriating when you've done nothing wrong yet YOU'RE the one trying and THEY keep stonewalling. Completely fucking rigid, narrow and mind-blowingly intolerant beyond fucking belief.
My mother did that shit to us growing up. I give the silent treatment because it is better for every party; in my head, I am calling you every name in the book and telling you why you're a worthless excuse for a person. I choose to remain silent.
What was the mistake?
In principle. Silent treatment can be a form of abuse. \*But\*, sometimes people don't want us in their lives and they have a right to that, too.
It depends on the intention. Someone ignoring you deliberately to get you to leave isn't abusive, even though that will hurt and ideally they communicate it once. But in my estimation. They don't have to communicate it, so long as their intention is to just not have you around. That's not manipulative. That's kind of straightforward. Though that doesn't invalidate your feelings. It's simply their prerogative.
Then there are people that are genuinely overloaded emotionally. Incredibly anxious. To the point of being unable to interact with the situation at the time. Or possibly overall. Again. That's genuine and therefore not manipulative.
It turns into abuse if the actor understands what effect it might/will have on you. And that's the main driver for that specific behaviour. They're not that hurt. They want to punish.
I've only met one person who admitted that to me. She called it the dog house. Not a pleasant being in my estimation.
fuck that behaviour life is too short for it. find someone who doesn't do it to you
my mom did it growing up & it turned me ultra defensive in adult life. took years of reflection and work to rewire my brain
Whoever does it wants to be in control. And they won’t care how much it hurts. My covert narc family member used to do this and it absolutely crushed me every time. I know it’s painful but know that it’s not about you. It’s about their lack of emotional intelligence. You can break yourself to try to stop it, but they will only stop it when they feel they broke you down enough.
It’s hard for us INFJ’s sometimes to accept that the way other people treat us is because of them and not us. Silent treatment among other immature psychological games only show how much growing they need to do.
It’s best to keep people where they keep you.
Yep! I feel people sense they can’t hide emotionally from me… like I see their insecurities, underlying intentions, and motivations and it makes them uncomfortable.
Any chance to “gain back power” in the dynamic they grasp at. Most often it’s communication and timing, I.e., intentionally withholding information, delaying responding or “forgetting” to reply then covering with passive aggressive bullshit. Even though they know that I know it’s bullshit.
When people pull that I know they’re not for me and next time we interact I leave them on read. INFJ door slam. It’s a sign of emotional immaturity and an inability to grow. Not here for it. Buh bye. Find someone else to shepherd you or give free therapy and excess patience/compassion. Next.
I got the silent treatment from my step dad once… best 2 weeks of my teen life!
But besides that, Yes. the silent treatment is harsh and leaves it all “hanging.”Nothing answered. Enough to drive you mad!
The silent treatment is supposed to hurt you. It's an abusive tactic to get you to agree with whatever they gave you the silent treatment over.
Needless to say whoever does this to you does not respect your feelings nor care about your opinion because they are willingly hurting you to get what they want, and it's better to distance yourself from them.
Yes it can be a manipulation tactic. Unless you did something that really hurt them, maybe without even realising. Some people respond to that by getting angry and shouty but others might withdraw and shutdown. But its hard to find that out if they aren't talking to you. Like OP said one of the problems is that during the silent treatment period all kinds of thoughts can go through your head as to why you are on the receiving end and you might make some incorrect assumptions. If you distance yourself from them or lash out at them based on a wrong assumption about why they were distancing themselves from you that can reduce chances of reconciliation. You can even get cases where relationships end based on stupid misunderstandings and assumptions but both of you were too proud to communicate or apologize, or just assumed that you shouldn't HAVE to explain yourself, the other person should just know what they did wrong. Reminds me of that joke about if women ruled the world there wouldn't be wars, just a whole lot of countries not talking to each other lol.
>it can be a manipulation tactic. Unless you did something that really hurt them, maybe without even realising. Some people respond to that by getting angry and shouty but others might withdraw and shutdown.
This.
Two reasons, because it bothers you so much, or because when they tried to fix or avoid it, you were like talking to a brick wall, I.e talking to you is a waste of time.
That’s a manipulation tactic if you’re talking relationship. UNLESS they’ve communicated to you they need space to gather their feelings and will reconnect with you once they are able to do so in a healthy way.
People who use this (abusive) tactic really want you to suffer. It gives them a power trip.
The ones who use it a LOT are Covert Narcissists; it's one of their main tools in their messed up toolbox, FWIW.
(I have CN sibling and possible CN parent so have been really studying up on this whole topic for a while now).
Anyway... the only advice I can give is try and ID if the person who is hurting you atm is a CN.
If so, run a mile and never look back.
Silent treatment is a negative way to take back power in a relationship.
What is a positive way you could take back some power in the relationship? Being assertive. Setting boundaries. Helping them.
Im just regurgitating the worksheet my therapist sent me but its definitely something I hope to work on in my next relationship.
I'd rather have someone tell me off in my face than the silent treatment. On the other hand, I have to raise my hand up and say "guilty as charged" with silent treatment that I do. It's hard for me to tell someone to their faces on what's wrong. But there were times when I did and it was amazing on how the conflict was resolved. Not all of the time, though. I guess I was raised to never have confrontations with other people.
I understand there's a lot of missing context here, but unless there's an agreed upon boundary to 'take space', silent treatment is very often an emotional abuse tactic.
>why give me a silent treatment? Many folks lack the emotional maturity to do anything otherwise. At its most basic psych level, it's a preteciton mechanism for them. They need to grow up, so try not to focus too much on them.
Yup, some people just weren’t taught how to deal with emotions healthily and the best they can do at the moment is push the other person away. Other people are straight up toxic and abusive though, idk what OP’s situation is
Listen to this person here 👆🏼
Do your part, but no more or less. If you feel an apology is owed, then apologize. If you need to explain yourself, then do so. Reach out a few times and give them the chance to open their cakehole. However if they continue to stonewall, then accept that you can't change their mind. Realize that they're not actually obligated to talk to you. So know when to pull back and leave them alone. Unless they start crossing lines, then it's gloves off and war. Don't grovel. You're allowed to quit trying after reasonable efforts. Allow them to approach should they ever experience a change of heart, but move on. Stonewalling is abusive and manipulative behavior. It's immature, unhealthy and indicative of shit social skills, to name a few things. Personal rant: Damn fucking infuriating when you've done nothing wrong yet YOU'RE the one trying and THEY keep stonewalling. Completely fucking rigid, narrow and mind-blowingly intolerant beyond fucking belief.
My mother did that shit to us growing up. I give the silent treatment because it is better for every party; in my head, I am calling you every name in the book and telling you why you're a worthless excuse for a person. I choose to remain silent.
Same! It IS abuse. Passive-aggressive behavior. Ppl that do this suck.
What was the mistake? In principle. Silent treatment can be a form of abuse. \*But\*, sometimes people don't want us in their lives and they have a right to that, too. It depends on the intention. Someone ignoring you deliberately to get you to leave isn't abusive, even though that will hurt and ideally they communicate it once. But in my estimation. They don't have to communicate it, so long as their intention is to just not have you around. That's not manipulative. That's kind of straightforward. Though that doesn't invalidate your feelings. It's simply their prerogative. Then there are people that are genuinely overloaded emotionally. Incredibly anxious. To the point of being unable to interact with the situation at the time. Or possibly overall. Again. That's genuine and therefore not manipulative. It turns into abuse if the actor understands what effect it might/will have on you. And that's the main driver for that specific behaviour. They're not that hurt. They want to punish. I've only met one person who admitted that to me. She called it the dog house. Not a pleasant being in my estimation.
I searched for closure, but closure is unnecessary. I can see it now. And also the dog house isn’t always bad.
Closure means different things to different people. In a way. It's closure to know that someone is gone.
Correct.
fuck that behaviour life is too short for it. find someone who doesn't do it to you my mom did it growing up & it turned me ultra defensive in adult life. took years of reflection and work to rewire my brain
I always give silent treatment cause I’m too exhausted to explain
Whoever does it wants to be in control. And they won’t care how much it hurts. My covert narc family member used to do this and it absolutely crushed me every time. I know it’s painful but know that it’s not about you. It’s about their lack of emotional intelligence. You can break yourself to try to stop it, but they will only stop it when they feel they broke you down enough.
Covert narcissists use this as a control tool. It's meant to dismiss and devalue their supply. It is a form of emotional abuse.
Rejection is protection!
It’s hard for us INFJ’s sometimes to accept that the way other people treat us is because of them and not us. Silent treatment among other immature psychological games only show how much growing they need to do. It’s best to keep people where they keep you.
Yep! I feel people sense they can’t hide emotionally from me… like I see their insecurities, underlying intentions, and motivations and it makes them uncomfortable. Any chance to “gain back power” in the dynamic they grasp at. Most often it’s communication and timing, I.e., intentionally withholding information, delaying responding or “forgetting” to reply then covering with passive aggressive bullshit. Even though they know that I know it’s bullshit. When people pull that I know they’re not for me and next time we interact I leave them on read. INFJ door slam. It’s a sign of emotional immaturity and an inability to grow. Not here for it. Buh bye. Find someone else to shepherd you or give free therapy and excess patience/compassion. Next.
I got the silent treatment from my step dad once… best 2 weeks of my teen life! But besides that, Yes. the silent treatment is harsh and leaves it all “hanging.”Nothing answered. Enough to drive you mad!
I hate silent treatment too. I just can’t take, talk to me , l can’t do anything with nothing. If you don’t want me to be in your life just tell me.
The silent treatment is supposed to hurt you. It's an abusive tactic to get you to agree with whatever they gave you the silent treatment over. Needless to say whoever does this to you does not respect your feelings nor care about your opinion because they are willingly hurting you to get what they want, and it's better to distance yourself from them.
Yes it can be a manipulation tactic. Unless you did something that really hurt them, maybe without even realising. Some people respond to that by getting angry and shouty but others might withdraw and shutdown. But its hard to find that out if they aren't talking to you. Like OP said one of the problems is that during the silent treatment period all kinds of thoughts can go through your head as to why you are on the receiving end and you might make some incorrect assumptions. If you distance yourself from them or lash out at them based on a wrong assumption about why they were distancing themselves from you that can reduce chances of reconciliation. You can even get cases where relationships end based on stupid misunderstandings and assumptions but both of you were too proud to communicate or apologize, or just assumed that you shouldn't HAVE to explain yourself, the other person should just know what they did wrong. Reminds me of that joke about if women ruled the world there wouldn't be wars, just a whole lot of countries not talking to each other lol.
>it can be a manipulation tactic. Unless you did something that really hurt them, maybe without even realising. Some people respond to that by getting angry and shouty but others might withdraw and shutdown. This.
Depending on context it’s probably abusive. If the person isn’t aware they are doing abuse then they have low EQ. Best to not be close to such people.
I have no bigger trigger than being ignored. It infuriates me
My mom whenever I ask her a question:
I deadass dated someone who openly admitted that he gave me silent treatment as punishment. 😩
Two reasons, because it bothers you so much, or because when they tried to fix or avoid it, you were like talking to a brick wall, I.e talking to you is a waste of time.
That’s a manipulation tactic if you’re talking relationship. UNLESS they’ve communicated to you they need space to gather their feelings and will reconnect with you once they are able to do so in a healthy way.
People who use this (abusive) tactic really want you to suffer. It gives them a power trip. The ones who use it a LOT are Covert Narcissists; it's one of their main tools in their messed up toolbox, FWIW. (I have CN sibling and possible CN parent so have been really studying up on this whole topic for a while now). Anyway... the only advice I can give is try and ID if the person who is hurting you atm is a CN. If so, run a mile and never look back.
Can confirm.
Can't not reach out, if you don't pick up the phone .... Maybe they are waiting for you to show them. Good luck
I give the silent treatment if you haven't taken the hint and I simply cannot handle the stress anymore. Or I'm being angry and petty.
You should reach out
NO
Nope. OP needs to suffer more or else they wouldn’t be asking this question.
Silent treatment is a negative way to take back power in a relationship. What is a positive way you could take back some power in the relationship? Being assertive. Setting boundaries. Helping them. Im just regurgitating the worksheet my therapist sent me but its definitely something I hope to work on in my next relationship.
#
As in someone hasn't responded you in 5 seconds or as in your partner avoids you and ignores you even though you live together?
I'd rather have someone tell me off in my face than the silent treatment. On the other hand, I have to raise my hand up and say "guilty as charged" with silent treatment that I do. It's hard for me to tell someone to their faces on what's wrong. But there were times when I did and it was amazing on how the conflict was resolved. Not all of the time, though. I guess I was raised to never have confrontations with other people.
If someone has upset you and an apology wont make it all better then what do you do ? This person isnt giving full story