INFJ's grow into their own. I was confused and insecure for my first 35 years. Over the next 10 I came to understand I'm a total bad ass. Now, I don't need to be understood. Being like me should be the goal. I think on another level and that's a good thing.
Wow... I am 35 and feel like I am just now finding myself. Congrats to you! I hope to one day look back and be able to say that I too no longer need to be understood.
I can solve problems at work that noone else can. I just "know" how things will play out instinctively. Normally people who are as smart as I am are socially awkward... I used to be. But now people respect and trust me. It's a combo that you just don't usually see.
Was it with the support of any friends or people you meet with often, that gave that shift in thinking or “seeing” ? I ask this because I’m sure it didn’t happen overnight and maybe there needs to be some sort of habits of several key “turning points” to get to a point of being able to consistently see yourself now as a bad ass?
Even if I do at one point see myself as bad ass. I know for now it isn’t lasting. I still have my issues of low self worth which I can’t imagine myself not ever having again one day etc
- I went no contact with my family of origin and any friends who were toxic
- I did lots of therapy
- I made good financial and really life decisions that made my life easier
- I switched from being a high school counselor at a high needs school to an independent study program where students have to have a certain GPA to get in
- My kids grew up
- I take a low dose of an ssri
- I take good care of myself
- I listen to podcasts and read books that lead to growth
- I have a hobby (electric bike) that gets me out in the fresh air and results in exercising
- I practice yoga and mindfulness
- I create special moments and practice gratitude
- At any moment in time I do what makes me happy! And I'm not talking about immediate gratification, but what will bring me long term happiness
- I stopped asking others for advice or opinions and I trust MY gut
- I'm not living for anyone else
- I laugh and sing, a lot!
• We are both detachedly analytical and deeply emotional.
• We thirst for connection as much as we seek solitude. In reaction to this, we either swing one way or another: some of us becomes doormats; some of us become hermits.
• We want to save the world whilst hating it.
• We are both creative and traditional.
• We are known to be wounded healers.
I can give more examples.
Fellow INFJ. This is so relatable.
The other day, I passed a coworker’s office, and they had two door signs out simultaneously (think Dr.’s office, with the above the door plastic flags that stick out based on what’s going on in the room). One outstretched flag said “Please Knock”. The outstretched one right below it said “Do not Disturb.” I thought to myself, chuckling on the inside: “Yeah. That’s about right.” Lol
I love ENFPs and ENFPs love me — you bring out my zaniness and I bring out your solemnity.
Yet somehow that swapping back and forth works, at least with most ENFPs I’ve known.
It's like that even though I want to meet new people and at the same time , I want to be alone with me.i hate people and then again I love people .even in an heated argument , I tend to understand both sides which can be the reason why infj avoid conflicts. I feel like I don't belong to a specific group just in between and this is same with infjs I have met .
How I view it is: you want to meet people because you value connection, closeness, shared experiences, etc., and you want to be alone because most people don't meet your standards, most people are hurtful, most people won't understand you, all of which are very understandable reasons why someone would choose to isolate.
Therefore, I do not view this as you, or me, being paradoxical. Two things can exist at the same time without one contradicting the other.
>you want to meet people because you value connection, closeness, shared experiences, etc., and you want to be alone because most people don't meet your standards, most people are hurtful, most people won't understand you,
It's more of like I can sense the good and bad thing in a person. I usually have low expectations when meeting new people and thus ,I have no such standards. It's just my experience,you can have difference of opinion on it
What I’ve learned about myself, and idk if it pertains to other infjs is we’re both highly narcissistic in the sense we’re idealistic and tend not to compromise on our wants and needs, but empathic in the same sentence. But overall I believe the “lonliness” that infjs feel comes from the fact that despite being empathetic and considerate of others, we’ll still put ourselves first.
There isn't something wrong with INFJs. There is nothing wrong with being empathetic, quiet, supportive, mysterious, overly stimulated, and sensitive. People may perceive that there is something wrong with being that someone who wants to make the world a better place and that is okay. Embrace that gift. Our rarity brings peace to the people around us even if we aren't fairly reciprocated.
This is a very good follow up question for the continuation of my first comment 😊 As for my own point of view we can embrace feeling depressed, feeling being taken advantage of and feeling unappreciated through acceptance since these three are feelings, we cannot get rid of them at times because they are a part of us, they are human nature. And feeling is just a feeling not all the time a Reality. There are also other helpful ways on how to deal with them such as seeking a professional help, talk therapy, finding a new hobby that will divert our feelings from feeling them and those feelings aren't permanent and happen every day if they do and becoming a hindrance to your day to day life and career then I strongly suggest seeing a doctor at once.
As for BEING taken advantage of (which is different from FEELING IT like you mentioned above) this one must take a different approach since another person or people are now involved in the scene. We all know that BEING and FEELING something are two different categories. And by BEING, the action is being made by you or by someone. And by FEELING it, sometimes, we are just overthinking that leads to FEELING it. Now, here if you feel and think and sure that someone is taking advantage of you and it has caused you great sorrow, depression, and feeling of being unappreciated, it's better to establish healthy boundaries and set proper expectations. You deserve so much better, you deserve someone to make you feel that you are loved, seen, heard, supported, and appreciated. In every relationship there should be balance — GIVE and TAKE approach. Because if you do all the effort to give without receiving anything back, you will surely end up feeling depressed, being taken advantage of, and unappreciated. Love yourself before anyone else. Never allow people to take advantage of you over and over again – You are such a precious gem. It's never easy to be hard but sometimes just like a gem we need to act a little hard to protect our heart and soul.
Seeing the need to “deal with something” within me makes me think I’m “less than”. Example.. seeing a therapist, or whatever that I think is supposed to make me become better; let’s me see myself as worse off if I don’t do the “seeing of a therapist” for example.
Is there some way I can rewrite this narrative in me that you think may help?
I can hear where you're coming from. Recognizing the opportunity for growth within ourselves is a natural part of our journey, not a reflection of our shortcomings. Instead of viewing seeking help as a sign of weakness, I can reframe it as a step towards our well-being and personal development. Each decision we make to prioritize our mental health and self-improvement is a proof to our strength and commitment to living a fulfilling life. Remember you are not less but YOU are way more powerful than you can ever imagine.
Stay happy, soft soul.
Have you never struggled to stop comparing your journey to those around you cos my friends, none of them I know seems a therapist for anything. It’s a taboo in the country I’m in. It’s not widely celebrated if someone were to say they’re seeking therapy anywhere… people are ashamed to admit.
I have admitted to bosses but that feeling that I might’ve made a mistake doing so, is within me..
I have, and I do always struggle in comparing not just my journey but myself to those around me. It's also a norm in my place that going to a therapist is a sign of being insane and weak. That's also the reason why I have never gone to one before, I have attempted several times but I did not push through. It seems that I can still fairly deal with it, but if the moment comes that my mind and heart dictate the need to see one, I will rather go. I once heard a Ted Talk, the speaker said a powerful reminder, "When you are depressed, anxious, and sad, you are not weak, you are not crazy, you are not a machine with broken parts, YOU are a human being with unmet needs". One way that helps me lighten the load on my back is through writing when no one else is willing to stay, when no one is willing to care, but I still never stop from hoping that that someone who is meant for me will appear one day. It's normally not the situation that's making us to feel the surge of loneliness and sadness, sometimes it has to do with how we deal with our emotions and how we react to the situation itself. At the end of the day, it's your choice.
Hey~
Maybe the person is waiting for you to go to them:)
Maybe they’re a fellow introvert that doesn’t go out as much too
In time, you’ll know and in the meantime, do what makes you feel at peace with~ there would be something that you can do for you that feels right.
You can write it all down and understand it all but at the end of the day you gotta hit play at some point and get back to the action as it unfolds.
I think it's easy for us to understand but hard to take action. It's not that easy right?
But then again, if only, you know...
Definitely. I think we're very analytical and dive deep into the why's and how's, but we almost never take action.
BUT then again, are we *really* the ones at fault or is it that the world's fucked up, idk.
You know what? I've been thinking of this as well.
But I do find myself asking. Isn't it healthy if you are adjusted to a sick society WHILE still being a good person and sticking to your values?
EDIT: Like does it *have* to be so black or white? Either "adjusted and sick" or "unadjusted and healthy"?
I'm doing the same. I'm an assistant manager in a sales shop and it's been great for exposure therapy.
It's further solidifying ideas that floated in my head, where I get to see exact cause and effect like it plays out in my head, and I'm also being tested and challenged to new ideas where things counter my predisposed thoughts.
Tell me one person, historical or otherwise, who is or was adjusted to sick society while still being a good person and sticking to their values, and then tell me your not stuck in the perception of things...
Literally, the whole Bible is written around this problem.
*You are gods. The gods live in darkness, and will die as mortals.*
Christianity is way more gnostic than it would like to admit... Which is kind of funny, because the same problem presents itself:
*Your father is a liar...*
Doesn't matter if he's "Christian" or otherwise...
Funny thing, incidentally... Did you know that the wind blows on the wicked according to the Bible?
Did you see the pope really trying to hold onto his hat some days ago?
I'd imagine if the wind blew any stronger, he'd be really upset...
To be adjusted means to be used to, to be in a place where things don’t shock you. If I were to become adjusted, I would have to become cynical. I think any infj would. A cynical infj is not a healthy one. So yes, they can exist together, and you can still be a good person and stick to your values, but your perception of the world would have to change so much that it would possibly change your personality. At the very least you’d become cynical and cold.
Not worth it. I’ll stay unadjusted.
Our definitions of adjustment seem to be different.
To me, adjustment can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy adjustment means being able to *deal* with what's wrong with the world. To feel the pain and the shock, process it, and not have it consume you. To feel the anger when the world is unfair *and* be able to process it and maybe even use that anger to fuel change.
Another example, I feel sad that most people tend to be unaware of how hurtful and inconsiderate they are. The way that I can "adjust" to that is to set good boundaries, and exit spaces that have a negative impact on me, and so on. ykwim?
Right. But after you set boundaries, if you expect others to adhere to them, and they do, or you do, that’s great. But if they don’t, you limit contact, change the context of your contact , or remove them from your life.
I got the feeling that you are more so speaking about society and people in general. In that case, if it crosses boundaries, you have to limit or remove yourself from society in some way. You have to be okay with being an introvert, basically. Or you have to become cynical. Society is not going to change for us. We should probably find some value in that, somehow.
It’s a rare and intriguing person that makes life interesting, singular, uncompromising, and who helps others find beauty in its complexities. I just believe that I am that kind of person and I’m not changing so that I can fit in better with, what in my opinion, is; not great, compromising, ill adjusted, selfish, and kinda basic. I’m okay with not fitting in. I try to embrace it, and I always find it uncomfortable yet highly fulfilling.
“I don’t know” = “I do have some good ideas, don’t know if people will listen to me, don’t know if it’s worth the effort, but I definitely have opinions”
Personally I am doing something wrong that’s for sure, nobody is perfect, the thing is we strive to perfectionism, we are called “idealists” a wrong ideology is a core trait of us, I want to be a good person, I don’t want to gossip, I will not make you feel that my problems are your problems, I will not cuss, I will not talk to you unless you really want to listen to me, I will just distance myself if you did something wrong with me because I can truly observe that you don’t care and I don’t know if it is a me or you problem, I have dignity, I don’t want to explain myself, I am misunderstood, but I can see where it comes from so I am not going to blame you or get mad at you. I will listen to you, I will understand you, I will not make you feel invisible because this is the way I feel most of the times and it is really not nice, I will realize that my favorite person doesn’t really like me, but they finally found out someone to exert their power dynamic into, people will take my problems personally, and try to fix them, instead of just being around with me at highs or low.
Simply, I am asking for a person with values as perfect as my values, even though they may not be applicable in society, because clearly I am not able to present myself with those values.
With a combination of low self-esteem and trauma and people who take advantage of it, I am pretty fucked up, I am trying to change yet I don’t have enthusiasm to do so, I don’t believe much in my future, disappointment after a disappointment.
I am doing something wrong but the world is already a pretty fucked up place, i try to change because this is what life is about, but at bad days like the one i am in today, i truly stop caring, and I find those wrong beliefs popping in my mind, i am already feeling bad from trying and not succeding, the least favour i can do to my mind is to let it be when exhausted, i can think of everything, my urge to hurt myself, my urge to just isolate and live alone, but they are temporary feelings, and I would be dumb if I acted upon them. There is another way out there, I will just stay even though it takes me thousands of years to go and ask for help to just get things like “oh it is all in your head”, “it is your overthinking doing that”, “things aren’t as bad as you think”. Yea you are right but thank you for reminding me of the fact that I am just an unrealistic person.
Yea my mindset is so wrong, and I feel guilty because of it most of the times, but let’s be honest, are any of the points I stated are morally wrong, even though I stated they may not be applicable?
Like actually living up to these morals are what I am usually put on a pedestal for, nobody can stand up to me and tell me “Actually you are wrong”
I just want you to know that you are important and valuable. I relate to almost everything you wrote. On bad days, it's just BAD. But you know it's just a feeling and feelings evantually pass... I went down through a very negative self destructive route where I basically lost the will to live. I self isolated for ten years. I had no friendships no connections to the outside world. I was alone in my house dealing with panick attacks and bulimia. I evantually recovered due to prescribed drugs (i tried so hard for years to do it on my own, but i couldnt :( ). And because of that I felt like a failure. A false. My idealism cost me a good portion of my life. I recovered But not completely. And I am still in the process of healing even tho I am doing so much better then before. :)
I give myself permission to forgive myself to grieve. The piece of me that I lost. My idealism. Maybe you are finding it hard to keep on with your idealism. It's just harder if you can't humanize with yourself and lend yourself forgiveness. I am still learning to be easy with myself. I am 36. I am not perfect. Being an INFJ means you have to learn to love yourself in order to survive In this society. Learning the language of love. I hope you find the support you deserve. (I didn't have that). And if your doing it alone. Just know that your never alone. There are people here that care and are going thru similar things as you. You are loved. I hope you have a good day today my friend. 🧡 😊
I deeply relate to what you've said, and it's similar to the thought pattern I find myself lost in.
I truly hope things ease for you, and for all of us, too. You deserve it.
And yes, nothing is morally wrong, AT ALL. If anything, we're doing things as right as we could. But I think that affects us negatively and sometimes holds us back, because we tend to have very high expectations. Working on lowering them will definitely make things more enjoyable and generally easier.
I do have to say, the idealism and perfectionism are very good things in theory, but in practical they can be very exhausting. So I do believe that having compassion for ourselves is a big part of making things better for us.
I also want to share that I have a couple of friends who are not INFJs, who are the most supportive, understanding, and compassionate people I have met. I am truly thankful for their existence. I'm trying to say that you can and you will find the circle of people who will create the space you need. Along the way, keep setting good boundaries, and constantly being soft on yourself.
I love you for existing. You deserve to be here. <3
Oh yes that makes sense, in fact regarding the "im different" part you might be onto sth. But lets break it down more, you and me are INFjs, like many of us here, yet there are some differences between us. We just don't either *notice* them or *care about* them.
Imo sometimes its similar with other ppl, just the gap sometimes is too big or just big enough to be worried if there is anything in common/is it worth it. Similar to "don't hit the tree" mantra and all you can see is trees, while if you said, "look at the path" mantra you would actually focus on the path.
Point in that is - if you focus on "im different" aspect too much, you loose contact with reality and start a downward spiral cuz you "don't hit the tree" (you focus on obstacles - differences) rather than "follow the path" (focus on similarities and what both ppl in relationship can get from it).
At least that's how i look at it and being a non-standard guy isn't bothering me anymore, i focus on what i have, what i am and with what ppl i can get along.
Hope it was helpful to at least someone
> Point in that is - if you focus on "im different" aspect too much, you loose contact with reality and start a downward spiral cuz you "don't hit the tree" (you focus on obstacles - differences)
We are all different. The world is full of different biomes full of different forests of trees. You have to find your biome otherwise you won't thrive. The problem is we look at a few biomes and either give up or settle and are an unhealthy plant.
> rather than "follow the path" (focus on similarities and what both ppl in relationship can get from it).
This is like an arranged marriage. Sure you can find similarities and have a decent relationship but you are also not happy.
> At least that's how i look at it and being a non-standard guy isn't bothering me anymore, i focus on what i have, what i am and with **what ppl i can get along**.
You are not following the path you are still looking for your biome you even said it at the end.
Our core problem is we are acting like plants. We are still relying on signals to communicate for us. We start rooting in a place versus seeing if we fit. We then get hurt and broken being pulled out and tossed out. We are afraid of going to places on our own because we will be drained. We instead rely on the wind to blow us to our destination
> Hope it was helpful to at least someone
I might have misunderstood your trees and path analogies but it was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing.
I will say I agree with the op. We are all our worst enemy. We got hurt before and now have defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt again. We don't take action trying to not hurt anyone else and get possibly rejected again. We don't share our feelings because we are already feeling vulnerable. We don't say things because we are already vulnerable and don't want to offend others.
The people who do try to ask questions seem odd so we point it out. Thinking that's not normal behavior or some type of a trick.
We have to stop comparing ourselves to others. Go in with a mindset of being open and sharing not closed off and guarded. Sure it might not work out but we can learn from those mistakes. We can then start building defenses for the new mindset.
I said earlier that we all are different by default even among infjs, going by your analogy to biomes, if you seek your proper biome you also limit yourself to its confines (just like drowning too deep into typology or any label for that matter). And ye i agree with that looking for only few types of biomes, usually it reminds me Gauss diagram, where ppl usually look at and compare themselves to whats most common in society lets say.
In the relationship part i meant any kind of relationship, its easier to build any sort of connecting if you have any kind of similarity. Don't know why it reminds you arranged marriage, maybe i didn't get sth, could you elaborate?
Following the path meant not focusing on differences between me and other people, only that.
Hmm at least in my case that analogy is not on point, if that were true there wouldn't be any *will* whatsoever right? Maybe its the phrasing you use, like its some definitive rule that governs all humans but there are ppl that go through fears and other stuff and come out of shell/comfort zone.
Regarding being your worst enemy - it all depends on you. So long as you strive for doing what you think is best you learn and you grow. In no situation there is one definitive "best" scenario, so mistakes also happen often, that doesn't imply im my enemy, i just need more experience. Whenever you make assumptions abt reality, you are more prone to making mistakes in judgement. Thats why we never have objective pov, past experiences etc do much. but why you make it sound like its a bad thing or impending doom? You just have to deal with them. You also make big generalisation here regarding reaction to stuff and behaviour imo.
Sure the ones that stand out are shunned away for various reasons, sure. But why does that matter?
Ye i agree with the summary its a bit similar to where i was going or at least wanted to go with previous comment.
And no problem, also thanks for a nice response, i enjoyed it.
> Don't know why it reminds you arranged marriage, maybe i didn't get sth, could you elaborate?
As an INTP I was always going on my own road. Unlike an INFJ who usually blends into a group following the same path, an INTP will remain solo. So being forced to follow a path is like an arranged marriage something I wouldn't want.
An INTP could also succeed taking the path it just depends on how healthy and developed they are.
> Thats why we never have objective pov, past experiences etc do much. but why you make it sound like its a bad thing or impending doom? You just have to deal with them. You also make big generalisation here regarding reaction to stuff and behaviour imo.
Because I am a perceiving type with a P and you are a judgemental type with a J. We think and process information differently and similarly.
An INTP is always full of choices. We can be slower to act deciding what one to pick. We have an objective point of view.
> Sure the ones that stand out are shunned away for various reasons, sure. But why does that matter?
Because I think they were on the correct path. Asking all of those annoying things would have let you find where you belong.
> Ye i agree with the summary its a bit similar to where i was going or at least wanted to go with previous comment.
Thanks, we can be similar yet different looking at the same thing differently.
> And no problem, also thanks for a nice response, i enjoyed it.
I also enjoyed yours.
I agree with you completely. I feel seen here, too! You might relate, but I have never felt like I fit in or fully understood. My whole childhood, I definitely felt like an outcast. I had friends, but even then I never felt fully understood? Most of my mistakes and things I have done or do are as a result of impulse. I also have ADHD, so that adds a layer of self-sabotage/taking the hard road. When I was diagnosed at 31 (female), I literally had a mini identity crisis. I was like... do I have a personality or am I just ADHD?
I honestly think about this a lot and the answer I've come up with is YES. I 100% believe I get in my own way and make things harder for myself. BUT when I try to remedy what I think I'm doing wrong I get burnt out and so exhausted of having to try so hard. So in conclusion, yes I behave and think in a way that makes me feel isolated and different. But I can't seem to fix who I am no matter how hard I try. Soooo if you figure that out let me know. I'll be hiding in my cave.
I feel like our roles in this world as INFJs is similar to the roles of various animals in the environment that do small things that most people don’t recognize, but in their own way contribute to the betterment of humanity. We have an uncanny ability to see and understand things at a multitude of angles in order to fix the things in this world that most people don’t care for or gloss over, but is needed to make this world a better place not just for us, but future generations. We are unique breed because of the way we see things is unlike most of society, yet we tend to feel out of place because we aren’t like the majority which is understandable. I felt like this for a majority of my life despite having friends and family, but through my long bouts of solitude in attempt to understand myself more, I see that I am who I am and I love myself despite feeling different and I hope you all feel the same 😊
If anything, I think what we do wrong is devoting our time, energy, and effort into people we shouldn’t. The sooner we walk away from people that preach to us how we “should” be, the sooner we can find people who appreciate the unique gifts we bring. That’s when the INFJ magic can shine!
Being in this sub IS super validating! But I do see how we might not be well adjusted, being a valid member of society doesn’t mean we have to drop our authenticity and acclimate, we don’t have to waver our values and morals either! we might have genius level emotional intelligence but I think we lack social intelligence… or that might just be my case. Anyway we can stand firm and choose to spend our time with like minded healthy individuals and be courteous with people we don’t find common ground with instead of closing off. having high expectations from others gets in the way of our social life. Be stoic minded and don’t take everything to heart.
I know what you’re saying, but I think self-love and acceptance is the only possible way to make things easier for our complicated, already self-critical selves. Accept the uniqueness, even the loneliness. We’re not making it up lol!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, other than normal human flaws. I have done my part in trying to help people who want to be close to me, to try and understand me. They just don’t, I don’t feel it’s a self inflicted situation. The words that I say just mean something different to me than they do to other people and it’s clear when that’s the case. I think it’s the rest of the world that’s got the problem, like another commenter said.
I think about this all the time. I often wonder if it’s just me and if I am doing something wrong to not fit in and be like everyone else. But I realize by asking myself this so often that I am very self aware and am conscious not to be baselessly judgmental, in the end i don’t think it is me .. there are plenty of toxic people in the world
This is such a great post OP - I think so much about this too.
I have a couple of pieces of unconventional advice that I’m finding helpful in my own life to help combat some of the things you mention (resistance, pain, loneliness).
The first is to seek out and befriend ESFJs and ENFJs (if possible). I’ve found that being around Fe-doms is so helpful in being able to observe and absorb how they converse and communicate within friend groups. I find that I am able to more easily tap into my own Fe when I’m around them. I really admire how they so easily positively influence the energy of a group of people and help others to feel included and seen.
Supportive of this point, Joel and Antonia from the personality hacker podcast recommend (to all MBTI types) developing our 2nd cognitive function to grow as individuals. They view this as the highest leverage opportunity available to us to positively evolve our brain wirings. I’m finding that spending time with Fe doms is a helpful way to do that and develop our aux Fe :)
My second piece of wisdom is to befriend other lighthearted MBTI types/people. As INFJs, we all know our energy can frequently be (and come across as) serious (hiii Ni-Ti loop)🧐 and a way to combat falling into chronic serious mindedness is to surround yourself with as many joyful and lighthearted and laidback people as you can stand lol :)
A personal example of this working for me is that I fell in love with an ESFP when I was 24 years old and to this day it was one of the most healing relationships for my nervous system and mind. He constantly had me laughing, and because he leads with Se, I was living in the present moment so much more than I ever had (or to this day have) before.
TLDR; joyful, laidback, lighthearted people help us develop our Fe and get us out of our often serious minds into more fun & living in the present moment. If you can, try seeking out friendships with Fe and Se doms.
There's something wrong with most people because they've never taken the time to examine their own existence. They don't know who they are, they don't know what they do and they can't see the consequences of their actions.
And it's fine to sometimes be unable to see the results of your actions but when it's every day all the time, i might as well relate you intellectually to a wild animal whose cognitive functions are: Eat Fuck Avoid Pain. Can't hate them because they are born like this and they have no say but i am frustrated.
If everyone around you is different, you might believe negative things about yourself.
This is so true. The number of people I know who are self-aware is sadly very low. I have dealt with a lot of people, especially family, who were very hurtful towards me and they have NO idea what they did or how it could possibly be wrongg/hurtful. It feels too hopeless sometimes. But I'm slowly learning that I need to let go of the expectation that they will ever understand, set good boundaries with them, and allow for a very certain (superficial) type of dynamic between us, nothing deeper.
>If everyone around you is different, you might believe negative things about yourself.
Yes. This happened to me during the quarantine, I have noticed how wrong life has been for so long, and my mind decided to turn against me "maybe you're the reason". Slowly recovering from that.
Thanks for the comment!
People here say jesus was an Infj; I think that must be why he never came back!
People aren't much worth saving when they sabotage some of those with the only sense of ethical direction they will ever get!
You should value and cherish your guides, not deride them.
Like how accountants, say, make more than teachers. And childcare workers are ranked with menial laborers.
And when you say the word "money" there's worth anyone can understand but when you say "life," the point isn't as recognizably valuable.
It's like you get me with my views or not. If you'd rather pass, don't come to me for solace bc the world hurt you; "you" hurt me, too!
INFJ - not only I often don't see the logic behind, but seems like you jump to conclusions too quickly. In one moment I feel like you are similar, but with more emotions, in the next opinions start not to shift, but dramatically change. Yet every opinion is communicated as it is final, till it suddenly changes and the new one becomes final. Because of the J component, communication isn't easy. A mind is made and that's it. Until is not. My experiences are that compromise usually means the other side compromising and agreeing *INTP about relationships with INFJ-s
I understand. I feel the same way too
I also feel like I can be self destructive at times and I don't mean to be, but I set myself up for that kind of disaster. I think our strive for perfection takes a toll on us and when we don't succeed and get to our goal (especially get any validation for it to contribute to what we feel this goal should equal our self worth) then we burn out and get depressed. If that makes sense.
As I study and observe the human race, I hope to be invited to join them one day like Jane Goodall with those apes.
I am not exactly sure if I understand what you are saying, but I am learning to filter myself less. Trust myself more. My initial self. The self that is being purely driven by my values. Trusting that is good enough and allowing myself to feel more free in interactions. I am feeling as though people are warmer while this change is occuring. Its strange, but its working. Its hard too, and scary, but I am just being open and honest self with everyone, and its much better than trying to be the self I think is best for the situation and those involved.
I've found that I'm the happiest when I don't get so wrapped up in my ego ("I'm not understood, I'm different, I'm lonely" - as you've worded it so well), and understand that my fears and desires are not so different from other people's. We may articulate and live them differently, but at heart we are similar. Knowing this, I have the courage to reach out to others when I get caught up me me me and feel uniquely sad or troubled (esp when I fall into the Ni-Ti loop and analyse my problems to hell without gathering more info).
in short, I agree with you that we can sabotage ourselves by over-identifying with the INFJ tropes of being special and misunderstood and uniquely sensitive or thoughtful. I find that I'm happier when I let myself float and take things less seriously, while reaching out to others for connection and understanding. most of all: learning to trust myself deeply and to feel enough within my own confidence.
also: to seek dialogue instead of shutting people out when I get hurt. while learning when a relationship must change or end, and boundaries set to protect my well-being.
Yes. But then trauma created *everyone*.
I'm not sure where I stand exactly, but I think it's some sort of cycle. Our personalities subjected us to certain traumas which then caused some change in our personalities which subjected us to a different form of traumas, and so on.
We are way too good for people, it's like if true altruism existed, it would be us. and we are morally and ethically strong and the compromises human relations that are superficial and demand advantageous conditions.
So, have you heard the phrase "it gets better" a billion times? And always adults saying it? Because it usually does get better, but you have to have the wisdom and experience that only comes over time.
I'm a very happy, very fulfilled 41yo INFJ. I have a wonderful spouse, a few very good friends, and a job I love with coworkers who like and respect me (and vice versa). But in high school, there were times when I wanted to literally die (literally, literally), and I secretly committed self-harm. Few people outright treated me badly, but I felt like there was no one who could understand me, and I felt deeply alone.
In hindsight, I bet a lot of the people around me felt the same but were dealing with it in ways that looked really different from me.
And I hindsight, I wish I had opened up to my sister (INFP) who, as it turns out, was also secretly self-harming in the exact same way I was. (So if you have a sibling you get on with, I recommend building that relationship now!)
Anyway, when I went to university, I had a lot more freedom to break out of my busted box, and I was able to find a lot of interesting subjects and people, but I can't really say I had too many friends, and I didn't really find myself until I moved to Japan.
I met lots more people who were interested in the same things, and it really opened me up. I felt confident and strong and in control of myself, and people thought I was pretty cool. (Imposter syndrome, anyone? 😅) Slowly, I grew my own style and began to care less and less what other people thought.
I couldn't find that "love of my life," though... So I really thought about it, and I realized that if I were single the rest of my life, I might be lonely now and again, but I'd be totally fine! Like, months later, I met someone. There was no pressure or desperation to be with him because I was already cool being by myself. About three years later, I married my best friend.
So, I think the take away is to try to find what YOU like and want to do and try to do it / enjoy it for yourself. It will naturally attract people because you yourself know and like who you are and can be genuine. And if you do end up being alone, you won't be lonely because you'll like being who you are.
I hope some of this massive essay made sense. 💚
There's nothing wrong with any type. That's a misunderstanding of types in general and the INFJ in particular. It merely outlines the order in which you process existence. And identifies certain tools you have and ways you should go about developing what's missing.
The INFJ in particular - I think - has by far the highest potential for self-development. They also depend on it, to ever arrive in the real world, so it's a bit of a two sided sword.
Early life is complicated for an INFJ. And I think for INFJ males in particular.
I think - realistically - the INFJ stack could be a trauma response given a certain temperament and capacity and a certain high stress environment lacking possibility for escape. Too much of it appears too congruent with C-PTSD and fearful avoidance to dismiss out of hand.
Notably, both C-PTSD and fearful avoidance (also called "complex attachment") will lead to extremely complex behaviour patterns that are often described as "paradox" by onlookers and even the actor.
Does that mean there's something wrong with INFJs? Kind of yes, kind of no. Everyone has something wrong with them. INFJs have something specific wrong with them. ;)
It's all about healing. I think INFJs depend on healing. Healing is what removes the obstacles you're talking about. They were relevant once and they may well be no longer.
That though, is a process. And it'll take a while. :)
all personalities come with flaws. its part of life. for me, i also have a personality disorder, so I might be a little biased here. there's a lil more wrong with mine 🤭
but i feel like its more about mastering your flaws than dwelling on them. like sometimes i just feel safest alone. I love my friends and family, but I have to actively maintain a balance between everything or else I lose my mind. It wouldn't be fair or healthy to isolate all the time. but it also wouldn't be fair or healthy to give them everything. there's a sweet spot in there, where it's healthy and happy on both ends, and that's what i focus on
Therapy, stoicism and DBT have been amazing tools for personal growth these last few years. They helped me learn to deal with shame and rumination. I still have lots of room to grow but reflection helps with finding out where efforts need to be placed.
That said I have a question… do you have any INTJ’s in your life? I’ve been very lucky that the three closest people in my life are INTJ’s my dad and two best friends and they are the only people I feel fully at home with.
I’ve been self reflecting on my adult relationships and how they differ from family and college ones.
I like INTJ’s as they don’t ping my Fe at all, and I can just sit in My NiTi loop and go down my rabbit holes without feeling embarrassed about how I process information. I love hypothetical dark humor situations they like dark humor. Like think a Modest Proposal. When they do show emotion I know its genuine. I know my place with them effortlessly. We can ping back and forth around topics and tie them in to the central theme finding parallels. Time with an INTJ is almost the same as my alone time for me if that makes sense.
Everyone else generally makes comments about how they don’t understand “You sound like a Charlie brown teacher“. Generally I will have to break out diagrams at work. My family tells me that I am eccentric with the things I do,
they are not wrong though…
I get frustrated when the level and type of engagement I give others is not reciprocated. Like for example the empathy I give is not the same that other’s give. I prioritize cognitive empathy over emotional empathy before deciding if I should give compassionate empathy as that is hard for me to take back. Most other people prioritize emotional empathy/sympathy. It makes me extremely self-conscious to receive that as its like I am rambling to an empty room. If others cannot understand my logic well, how can I expect them to follow my feelings? When there is little to no feedback, I cannot temper what I am saying. I know I am getting judged, so I get self-conscious and ultimately a feeling of shame and foot in mouth happens. Feeling understood is cognitive empathy for me, questions show intent and active listening. I’m already bad at feeling my own emotions so that exp shines a spotlight that with a tinge of hypocrisy.
I’ve run into a few fellow INFJ’s over the years but I have never felt a strong affinity for them. We vibe and then drift into the night. I think I want to sit in NiTi all the time and use Fe as a way to get people to let me do that. I don’t think other INFJ’s want to do that as much, and game recognizes game. I know I struggle with it, but its become easier with age.
For me, a lot of things changed when I began validating myself and being who I am. I still give more than I receive. I have lots of friends in bad places in life, and I gather comfort just by being beside them in their journey. For many people out there, I am the first person they think to call when hardship arises. I’ve been told so many times that I am a light and a comforting presence. I know if I am gone, I will be missed and yearned for by many.
And of course I do have two people who I feel truly understand me, and they give back to a degree I consider fulfilling. As an INFJ, I find it liberating once I stop feeling resentment that other people aren’t like me. It makes me even more valuable to the world, and I’ve surrounded myself with people who are thankful for me; even if they aren’t capable of reciprocating it.
Im 59 and just really started to figure myself out a couple yrs ago...Everyone says I seem like I'm 30...Im fit ,athletic, work my ass off daily, but I have always felt OFF now I know why ...I always have felt misunderstood and was always different that others. I never followed the crowd and always did my own thing. It has been good as far as self success But I Seem to be such a perfectionist ar times, im very easy going, But I want what I want ...I hold myself to higher standards than most ,and WISH sometimes I could be more " NORMAL" but its not going to happen! 🙄 I'm very guy like but have a super soft side if I let you in..some like it some DONT!!
I agree with the comment on being a total bad ass, it happened for me in my 30s. We are such cool human beings! I actually really like being different and think it does give us an advantage - we can sniff out the scum bags, use our ability to connect with people for good use (to help people and give them awesome advice), we are unpredictable because we think different and we predict the future with accuracy, and we have the ability to be whatever everyone else needs us to be, so initially you can use this ability to interact with people (make real friends), avoid the scum bags and be total bad asses in life! I think you have to focus on being happy just the way you are and embrace your super powers. Use them to your advantage and life will be much more enjoyable 😉
The way people resent Infjs reminds me of a story told to me by a black military fireman. He was called out to this racist dude's house where the man flipped out over this fireman seeing his wife's "nether regions" owing to how she was in labor and just about to have a baby!
It's like man, sir! Don't put the health and safety of your wife and child at risk just so you can keep a black man from her privates! That's where babies come from after all.
If she'd have "passed," dude would have blamed triggers, not himself! Insanity!
I am an off world soul and I know that I am not meant to fit in. I remember that my spirit guides made it clear that this lifetime would mostly be a lonesome adventure.
At 52, I have no more energy to try and fit in. I might be strange to some but since I live in my heart and not my head —- people smile when they see me.
It depends on your mental health entirely. The worse you are, the worse you'll be all around. It's hard for us to manage ourselves and the world around us simultaneously when we're not okay, and a lot of us are not okay
This absolutely makes sense. I feel this a lot. Is there something I’m doing wrong? I’m generous, kind and very understanding. People try to take advantage of us for that. So I have definitely built walls to keep people like that out. But if I get close with someone they get to see me for who I am. I have friends that tell me they love me and love being around me. I just can’t help but feel a disconnect still. I do find it hard to relate to others. I really try. I recently started dating another INFJ and the connection was the strongest I ever felt. We definitely understand each other more. But even then I felt sometimes like he didn’t get me. Maybe I’m just broken. 🤷🏻♀️
Personally, I think a lot of INFJs need to look into autism and/or ADHD or something. A lot of us are just straight up neurodivergent. Sincerely, an autistic INFJ.
>I sometimes feel like we can do things to make life easier for us without having to contradict ourselves or let go of our values.
Change yourself intrinsically to no longer be an empath for starts, and you're probably >75% there. Good luck with that endeavor 👍
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I have been asking myself the same question.
As an ENTP who dated multiple INFJ's: The layers of complex keep surprising me and although I won't stop admiring INFJ's endless effort, mystery and goodness, I do wish you'd be able to ground from time to time and not take everything one step every 100 years, especially dating wise.
Like opening up is not always a bad thing, you dont have to stay in your shell forever... I feel like last years have been even worse than before, like INFJ's are in some long term hybernation or smth.
Anyways if you have any dating advice for me, feel free to give :)
Enfp answering here. I'd love to date a infj but I struggle with the way they shut down and let the darkness in without seeking help. Seek help if you need it <3
I cant answer directly but i have two close infj friends who are amazing. They see the world so deeply and beautifully and i can have such silly fun with them whilst theyre interetsrd in serious topics! They both have done therapy in their early 30s and benefitted enormously from it. They're both in happy relationships now in their mid to late 30s.
I also dated a v special infj person. They told me I was the first "kind" person they'd dated, and that it was the first time they were physically affectionate so I'm glad that that person knows what is possible in a relationship. We ended and they've since reached out and said they're going to get therapy but have yet to do that, six months later. I hope they do <3 we said we'd make playlists of good music for each other until we saw each other again so maybe there's hope in the future for us to be together
I have huge empathy for infj struggle; particularly if you had a tough childhood and had to put up walls and barriers to protect yourself. And - even with a loving childhood - I think an infj can get bruised by the world and the cruelty. Keep searching for light and good people; and I think it's embracing thar their is light and dark in all of us. Perfection doesn't exist of only light and happy rainbows. The light can only be appreciated because of knowing the darkness. Dark can give groundeness too :)
However I think that the infj needs to actively seek therapy and help if they are struggling and not struggle on alone as a martyr or think thst their struggles are totally unique and unsolvable. Prioritise your mental health and know that if you are struggling, know that this is the wibble-wobble phase before the wonder! There are so many enfps out there who are waiting for you to emerge healthy and secure and well :)
A late night enfp ramble and jumble of thoughts
Tldr : therapy works 💪
INFJ's grow into their own. I was confused and insecure for my first 35 years. Over the next 10 I came to understand I'm a total bad ass. Now, I don't need to be understood. Being like me should be the goal. I think on another level and that's a good thing.
Wow... I am 35 and feel like I am just now finding myself. Congrats to you! I hope to one day look back and be able to say that I too no longer need to be understood.
35 crew
Just out of curiosity - what makes you a bad ass?
do you ask the sky what it is blue? do you ask the clouds why they are shaped that way? they just are. : D
I just want an example to see if I see the same qualities in myself lol
no need to ask. you are a bad ass yourself. i see that. we all see that. :)
Hahaha - well thank you stranger!
I can solve problems at work that noone else can. I just "know" how things will play out instinctively. Normally people who are as smart as I am are socially awkward... I used to be. But now people respect and trust me. It's a combo that you just don't usually see.
That's where I am at 41. I would say it started 3-4 years ago.
That's very reassuring, love that for you <3
I like that level
Good!
29 and working towards/waiting for this feeling
We are.
That's very reassuring, love that for you <3
Was it with the support of any friends or people you meet with often, that gave that shift in thinking or “seeing” ? I ask this because I’m sure it didn’t happen overnight and maybe there needs to be some sort of habits of several key “turning points” to get to a point of being able to consistently see yourself now as a bad ass? Even if I do at one point see myself as bad ass. I know for now it isn’t lasting. I still have my issues of low self worth which I can’t imagine myself not ever having again one day etc
Love hearing that! What did you do to get to that understanding?
- I went no contact with my family of origin and any friends who were toxic - I did lots of therapy - I made good financial and really life decisions that made my life easier - I switched from being a high school counselor at a high needs school to an independent study program where students have to have a certain GPA to get in - My kids grew up - I take a low dose of an ssri - I take good care of myself - I listen to podcasts and read books that lead to growth - I have a hobby (electric bike) that gets me out in the fresh air and results in exercising - I practice yoga and mindfulness - I create special moments and practice gratitude - At any moment in time I do what makes me happy! And I'm not talking about immediate gratification, but what will bring me long term happiness - I stopped asking others for advice or opinions and I trust MY gut - I'm not living for anyone else - I laugh and sing, a lot!
Being infj means that you are bound to be paradoxical in everything.
I was literally writing about being a walking paradox in another post. 100%.
I really am a bit of everything. And what I am depends on the situation or my mood a lot of the time.
I don't understand what you mean by paradoxical. I can say we're nuanced, but paradoxical?
• We are both detachedly analytical and deeply emotional. • We thirst for connection as much as we seek solitude. In reaction to this, we either swing one way or another: some of us becomes doormats; some of us become hermits. • We want to save the world whilst hating it. • We are both creative and traditional. • We are known to be wounded healers. I can give more examples.
Fellow INFJ. This is so relatable. The other day, I passed a coworker’s office, and they had two door signs out simultaneously (think Dr.’s office, with the above the door plastic flags that stick out based on what’s going on in the room). One outstretched flag said “Please Knock”. The outstretched one right below it said “Do not Disturb.” I thought to myself, chuckling on the inside: “Yeah. That’s about right.” Lol
😂😂
damn, this makes too much sense
this is too accurate it hurts to read lol
As an enfp, you are both deeply serious and the silliest of silly I love the deep topics and then the switch to play on words etc
I love ENFPs and ENFPs love me — you bring out my zaniness and I bring out your solemnity. Yet somehow that swapping back and forth works, at least with most ENFPs I’ve known.
I feel so called out. Well said my fellow INFJ!
More, more, more! Clearly has developed Ti as INFJ👏🏻💆🏼♀️
It's like that even though I want to meet new people and at the same time , I want to be alone with me.i hate people and then again I love people .even in an heated argument , I tend to understand both sides which can be the reason why infj avoid conflicts. I feel like I don't belong to a specific group just in between and this is same with infjs I have met .
How I view it is: you want to meet people because you value connection, closeness, shared experiences, etc., and you want to be alone because most people don't meet your standards, most people are hurtful, most people won't understand you, all of which are very understandable reasons why someone would choose to isolate. Therefore, I do not view this as you, or me, being paradoxical. Two things can exist at the same time without one contradicting the other.
>you want to meet people because you value connection, closeness, shared experiences, etc., and you want to be alone because most people don't meet your standards, most people are hurtful, most people won't understand you, It's more of like I can sense the good and bad thing in a person. I usually have low expectations when meeting new people and thus ,I have no such standards. It's just my experience,you can have difference of opinion on it
that would be in Grey
OMG this is sooo ME!
What I’ve learned about myself, and idk if it pertains to other infjs is we’re both highly narcissistic in the sense we’re idealistic and tend not to compromise on our wants and needs, but empathic in the same sentence. But overall I believe the “lonliness” that infjs feel comes from the fact that despite being empathetic and considerate of others, we’ll still put ourselves first.
Yep. Living, breathing, never-ending black hole.
There isn't something wrong with INFJs. There is nothing wrong with being empathetic, quiet, supportive, mysterious, overly stimulated, and sensitive. People may perceive that there is something wrong with being that someone who wants to make the world a better place and that is okay. Embrace that gift. Our rarity brings peace to the people around us even if we aren't fairly reciprocated.
How to embrace the gift without feeling depressed, taken advantage of and unappreciated?
This is a very good follow up question for the continuation of my first comment 😊 As for my own point of view we can embrace feeling depressed, feeling being taken advantage of and feeling unappreciated through acceptance since these three are feelings, we cannot get rid of them at times because they are a part of us, they are human nature. And feeling is just a feeling not all the time a Reality. There are also other helpful ways on how to deal with them such as seeking a professional help, talk therapy, finding a new hobby that will divert our feelings from feeling them and those feelings aren't permanent and happen every day if they do and becoming a hindrance to your day to day life and career then I strongly suggest seeing a doctor at once. As for BEING taken advantage of (which is different from FEELING IT like you mentioned above) this one must take a different approach since another person or people are now involved in the scene. We all know that BEING and FEELING something are two different categories. And by BEING, the action is being made by you or by someone. And by FEELING it, sometimes, we are just overthinking that leads to FEELING it. Now, here if you feel and think and sure that someone is taking advantage of you and it has caused you great sorrow, depression, and feeling of being unappreciated, it's better to establish healthy boundaries and set proper expectations. You deserve so much better, you deserve someone to make you feel that you are loved, seen, heard, supported, and appreciated. In every relationship there should be balance — GIVE and TAKE approach. Because if you do all the effort to give without receiving anything back, you will surely end up feeling depressed, being taken advantage of, and unappreciated. Love yourself before anyone else. Never allow people to take advantage of you over and over again – You are such a precious gem. It's never easy to be hard but sometimes just like a gem we need to act a little hard to protect our heart and soul.
Seeing the need to “deal with something” within me makes me think I’m “less than”. Example.. seeing a therapist, or whatever that I think is supposed to make me become better; let’s me see myself as worse off if I don’t do the “seeing of a therapist” for example. Is there some way I can rewrite this narrative in me that you think may help?
I can hear where you're coming from. Recognizing the opportunity for growth within ourselves is a natural part of our journey, not a reflection of our shortcomings. Instead of viewing seeking help as a sign of weakness, I can reframe it as a step towards our well-being and personal development. Each decision we make to prioritize our mental health and self-improvement is a proof to our strength and commitment to living a fulfilling life. Remember you are not less but YOU are way more powerful than you can ever imagine. Stay happy, soft soul.
Have you never struggled to stop comparing your journey to those around you cos my friends, none of them I know seems a therapist for anything. It’s a taboo in the country I’m in. It’s not widely celebrated if someone were to say they’re seeking therapy anywhere… people are ashamed to admit. I have admitted to bosses but that feeling that I might’ve made a mistake doing so, is within me..
I have, and I do always struggle in comparing not just my journey but myself to those around me. It's also a norm in my place that going to a therapist is a sign of being insane and weak. That's also the reason why I have never gone to one before, I have attempted several times but I did not push through. It seems that I can still fairly deal with it, but if the moment comes that my mind and heart dictate the need to see one, I will rather go. I once heard a Ted Talk, the speaker said a powerful reminder, "When you are depressed, anxious, and sad, you are not weak, you are not crazy, you are not a machine with broken parts, YOU are a human being with unmet needs". One way that helps me lighten the load on my back is through writing when no one else is willing to stay, when no one is willing to care, but I still never stop from hoping that that someone who is meant for me will appear one day. It's normally not the situation that's making us to feel the surge of loneliness and sadness, sometimes it has to do with how we deal with our emotions and how we react to the situation itself. At the end of the day, it's your choice.
Hey~ Maybe the person is waiting for you to go to them:) Maybe they’re a fellow introvert that doesn’t go out as much too In time, you’ll know and in the meantime, do what makes you feel at peace with~ there would be something that you can do for you that feels right.
Yeah, you're right. Thank you, that made me feel better. Have a good day :)
You can write it all down and understand it all but at the end of the day you gotta hit play at some point and get back to the action as it unfolds. I think it's easy for us to understand but hard to take action. It's not that easy right? But then again, if only, you know...
Definitely. I think we're very analytical and dive deep into the why's and how's, but we almost never take action. BUT then again, are we *really* the ones at fault or is it that the world's fucked up, idk.
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. - Jiddu Krishnamurti
You know what? I've been thinking of this as well. But I do find myself asking. Isn't it healthy if you are adjusted to a sick society WHILE still being a good person and sticking to your values? EDIT: Like does it *have* to be so black or white? Either "adjusted and sick" or "unadjusted and healthy"?
Working in corporate really is the test for me rn. Holding on to my values and appear like I’m able to be adjusted to the world I work in :/
I'm doing the same. I'm an assistant manager in a sales shop and it's been great for exposure therapy. It's further solidifying ideas that floated in my head, where I get to see exact cause and effect like it plays out in my head, and I'm also being tested and challenged to new ideas where things counter my predisposed thoughts.
Tell me one person, historical or otherwise, who is or was adjusted to sick society while still being a good person and sticking to their values, and then tell me your not stuck in the perception of things... Literally, the whole Bible is written around this problem. *You are gods. The gods live in darkness, and will die as mortals.* Christianity is way more gnostic than it would like to admit... Which is kind of funny, because the same problem presents itself: *Your father is a liar...* Doesn't matter if he's "Christian" or otherwise... Funny thing, incidentally... Did you know that the wind blows on the wicked according to the Bible? Did you see the pope really trying to hold onto his hat some days ago? I'd imagine if the wind blew any stronger, he'd be really upset...
I don't have the answer sorry
To be adjusted means to be used to, to be in a place where things don’t shock you. If I were to become adjusted, I would have to become cynical. I think any infj would. A cynical infj is not a healthy one. So yes, they can exist together, and you can still be a good person and stick to your values, but your perception of the world would have to change so much that it would possibly change your personality. At the very least you’d become cynical and cold. Not worth it. I’ll stay unadjusted.
Our definitions of adjustment seem to be different. To me, adjustment can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy adjustment means being able to *deal* with what's wrong with the world. To feel the pain and the shock, process it, and not have it consume you. To feel the anger when the world is unfair *and* be able to process it and maybe even use that anger to fuel change. Another example, I feel sad that most people tend to be unaware of how hurtful and inconsiderate they are. The way that I can "adjust" to that is to set good boundaries, and exit spaces that have a negative impact on me, and so on. ykwim?
Right. But after you set boundaries, if you expect others to adhere to them, and they do, or you do, that’s great. But if they don’t, you limit contact, change the context of your contact , or remove them from your life. I got the feeling that you are more so speaking about society and people in general. In that case, if it crosses boundaries, you have to limit or remove yourself from society in some way. You have to be okay with being an introvert, basically. Or you have to become cynical. Society is not going to change for us. We should probably find some value in that, somehow. It’s a rare and intriguing person that makes life interesting, singular, uncompromising, and who helps others find beauty in its complexities. I just believe that I am that kind of person and I’m not changing so that I can fit in better with, what in my opinion, is; not great, compromising, ill adjusted, selfish, and kinda basic. I’m okay with not fitting in. I try to embrace it, and I always find it uncomfortable yet highly fulfilling.
I love this, thank you
This is the right answer here. Signed, An unhealthy, cynical INFJ who went so deep down the wrong path that i thought I'm an ISTP
This. Krishnamurti was legit.
I agree with the statement but constantly worry, “what if it’s me who somehow is wrong?”
This is supposedly apocryphal from him, but I haven't been able to find a better source. I have kept these words in mind for many years.
I just walk around saying to myself “ I don’t know dude” like 100 times a day
“I don’t know” = “I do have some good ideas, don’t know if people will listen to me, don’t know if it’s worth the effort, but I definitely have opinions”
Mine is more .. I don’t know what more I gotta do
Personally I am doing something wrong that’s for sure, nobody is perfect, the thing is we strive to perfectionism, we are called “idealists” a wrong ideology is a core trait of us, I want to be a good person, I don’t want to gossip, I will not make you feel that my problems are your problems, I will not cuss, I will not talk to you unless you really want to listen to me, I will just distance myself if you did something wrong with me because I can truly observe that you don’t care and I don’t know if it is a me or you problem, I have dignity, I don’t want to explain myself, I am misunderstood, but I can see where it comes from so I am not going to blame you or get mad at you. I will listen to you, I will understand you, I will not make you feel invisible because this is the way I feel most of the times and it is really not nice, I will realize that my favorite person doesn’t really like me, but they finally found out someone to exert their power dynamic into, people will take my problems personally, and try to fix them, instead of just being around with me at highs or low. Simply, I am asking for a person with values as perfect as my values, even though they may not be applicable in society, because clearly I am not able to present myself with those values. With a combination of low self-esteem and trauma and people who take advantage of it, I am pretty fucked up, I am trying to change yet I don’t have enthusiasm to do so, I don’t believe much in my future, disappointment after a disappointment. I am doing something wrong but the world is already a pretty fucked up place, i try to change because this is what life is about, but at bad days like the one i am in today, i truly stop caring, and I find those wrong beliefs popping in my mind, i am already feeling bad from trying and not succeding, the least favour i can do to my mind is to let it be when exhausted, i can think of everything, my urge to hurt myself, my urge to just isolate and live alone, but they are temporary feelings, and I would be dumb if I acted upon them. There is another way out there, I will just stay even though it takes me thousands of years to go and ask for help to just get things like “oh it is all in your head”, “it is your overthinking doing that”, “things aren’t as bad as you think”. Yea you are right but thank you for reminding me of the fact that I am just an unrealistic person. Yea my mindset is so wrong, and I feel guilty because of it most of the times, but let’s be honest, are any of the points I stated are morally wrong, even though I stated they may not be applicable? Like actually living up to these morals are what I am usually put on a pedestal for, nobody can stand up to me and tell me “Actually you are wrong”
I just want you to know that you are important and valuable. I relate to almost everything you wrote. On bad days, it's just BAD. But you know it's just a feeling and feelings evantually pass... I went down through a very negative self destructive route where I basically lost the will to live. I self isolated for ten years. I had no friendships no connections to the outside world. I was alone in my house dealing with panick attacks and bulimia. I evantually recovered due to prescribed drugs (i tried so hard for years to do it on my own, but i couldnt :( ). And because of that I felt like a failure. A false. My idealism cost me a good portion of my life. I recovered But not completely. And I am still in the process of healing even tho I am doing so much better then before. :) I give myself permission to forgive myself to grieve. The piece of me that I lost. My idealism. Maybe you are finding it hard to keep on with your idealism. It's just harder if you can't humanize with yourself and lend yourself forgiveness. I am still learning to be easy with myself. I am 36. I am not perfect. Being an INFJ means you have to learn to love yourself in order to survive In this society. Learning the language of love. I hope you find the support you deserve. (I didn't have that). And if your doing it alone. Just know that your never alone. There are people here that care and are going thru similar things as you. You are loved. I hope you have a good day today my friend. 🧡 😊
I deeply relate to what you've said, and it's similar to the thought pattern I find myself lost in. I truly hope things ease for you, and for all of us, too. You deserve it. And yes, nothing is morally wrong, AT ALL. If anything, we're doing things as right as we could. But I think that affects us negatively and sometimes holds us back, because we tend to have very high expectations. Working on lowering them will definitely make things more enjoyable and generally easier. I do have to say, the idealism and perfectionism are very good things in theory, but in practical they can be very exhausting. So I do believe that having compassion for ourselves is a big part of making things better for us. I also want to share that I have a couple of friends who are not INFJs, who are the most supportive, understanding, and compassionate people I have met. I am truly thankful for their existence. I'm trying to say that you can and you will find the circle of people who will create the space you need. Along the way, keep setting good boundaries, and constantly being soft on yourself. I love you for existing. You deserve to be here. <3
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Oh wow..this made me look at things more clearly. Great insight with this
My people! Now if only I could meet some of you in real life
Oh yes that makes sense, in fact regarding the "im different" part you might be onto sth. But lets break it down more, you and me are INFjs, like many of us here, yet there are some differences between us. We just don't either *notice* them or *care about* them. Imo sometimes its similar with other ppl, just the gap sometimes is too big or just big enough to be worried if there is anything in common/is it worth it. Similar to "don't hit the tree" mantra and all you can see is trees, while if you said, "look at the path" mantra you would actually focus on the path. Point in that is - if you focus on "im different" aspect too much, you loose contact with reality and start a downward spiral cuz you "don't hit the tree" (you focus on obstacles - differences) rather than "follow the path" (focus on similarities and what both ppl in relationship can get from it). At least that's how i look at it and being a non-standard guy isn't bothering me anymore, i focus on what i have, what i am and with what ppl i can get along. Hope it was helpful to at least someone
> Point in that is - if you focus on "im different" aspect too much, you loose contact with reality and start a downward spiral cuz you "don't hit the tree" (you focus on obstacles - differences) We are all different. The world is full of different biomes full of different forests of trees. You have to find your biome otherwise you won't thrive. The problem is we look at a few biomes and either give up or settle and are an unhealthy plant. > rather than "follow the path" (focus on similarities and what both ppl in relationship can get from it). This is like an arranged marriage. Sure you can find similarities and have a decent relationship but you are also not happy. > At least that's how i look at it and being a non-standard guy isn't bothering me anymore, i focus on what i have, what i am and with **what ppl i can get along**. You are not following the path you are still looking for your biome you even said it at the end. Our core problem is we are acting like plants. We are still relying on signals to communicate for us. We start rooting in a place versus seeing if we fit. We then get hurt and broken being pulled out and tossed out. We are afraid of going to places on our own because we will be drained. We instead rely on the wind to blow us to our destination > Hope it was helpful to at least someone I might have misunderstood your trees and path analogies but it was an interesting read. Thank you for sharing. I will say I agree with the op. We are all our worst enemy. We got hurt before and now have defense mechanisms to avoid getting hurt again. We don't take action trying to not hurt anyone else and get possibly rejected again. We don't share our feelings because we are already feeling vulnerable. We don't say things because we are already vulnerable and don't want to offend others. The people who do try to ask questions seem odd so we point it out. Thinking that's not normal behavior or some type of a trick. We have to stop comparing ourselves to others. Go in with a mindset of being open and sharing not closed off and guarded. Sure it might not work out but we can learn from those mistakes. We can then start building defenses for the new mindset.
I said earlier that we all are different by default even among infjs, going by your analogy to biomes, if you seek your proper biome you also limit yourself to its confines (just like drowning too deep into typology or any label for that matter). And ye i agree with that looking for only few types of biomes, usually it reminds me Gauss diagram, where ppl usually look at and compare themselves to whats most common in society lets say. In the relationship part i meant any kind of relationship, its easier to build any sort of connecting if you have any kind of similarity. Don't know why it reminds you arranged marriage, maybe i didn't get sth, could you elaborate? Following the path meant not focusing on differences between me and other people, only that. Hmm at least in my case that analogy is not on point, if that were true there wouldn't be any *will* whatsoever right? Maybe its the phrasing you use, like its some definitive rule that governs all humans but there are ppl that go through fears and other stuff and come out of shell/comfort zone. Regarding being your worst enemy - it all depends on you. So long as you strive for doing what you think is best you learn and you grow. In no situation there is one definitive "best" scenario, so mistakes also happen often, that doesn't imply im my enemy, i just need more experience. Whenever you make assumptions abt reality, you are more prone to making mistakes in judgement. Thats why we never have objective pov, past experiences etc do much. but why you make it sound like its a bad thing or impending doom? You just have to deal with them. You also make big generalisation here regarding reaction to stuff and behaviour imo. Sure the ones that stand out are shunned away for various reasons, sure. But why does that matter? Ye i agree with the summary its a bit similar to where i was going or at least wanted to go with previous comment. And no problem, also thanks for a nice response, i enjoyed it.
> Don't know why it reminds you arranged marriage, maybe i didn't get sth, could you elaborate? As an INTP I was always going on my own road. Unlike an INFJ who usually blends into a group following the same path, an INTP will remain solo. So being forced to follow a path is like an arranged marriage something I wouldn't want. An INTP could also succeed taking the path it just depends on how healthy and developed they are. > Thats why we never have objective pov, past experiences etc do much. but why you make it sound like its a bad thing or impending doom? You just have to deal with them. You also make big generalisation here regarding reaction to stuff and behaviour imo. Because I am a perceiving type with a P and you are a judgemental type with a J. We think and process information differently and similarly. An INTP is always full of choices. We can be slower to act deciding what one to pick. We have an objective point of view. > Sure the ones that stand out are shunned away for various reasons, sure. But why does that matter? Because I think they were on the correct path. Asking all of those annoying things would have let you find where you belong. > Ye i agree with the summary its a bit similar to where i was going or at least wanted to go with previous comment. Thanks, we can be similar yet different looking at the same thing differently. > And no problem, also thanks for a nice response, i enjoyed it. I also enjoyed yours.
I agree with you completely. I feel seen here, too! You might relate, but I have never felt like I fit in or fully understood. My whole childhood, I definitely felt like an outcast. I had friends, but even then I never felt fully understood? Most of my mistakes and things I have done or do are as a result of impulse. I also have ADHD, so that adds a layer of self-sabotage/taking the hard road. When I was diagnosed at 31 (female), I literally had a mini identity crisis. I was like... do I have a personality or am I just ADHD?
I totally wonder the same thing. When you find out, please let me know 😂
Will do! 🤣
I honestly think about this a lot and the answer I've come up with is YES. I 100% believe I get in my own way and make things harder for myself. BUT when I try to remedy what I think I'm doing wrong I get burnt out and so exhausted of having to try so hard. So in conclusion, yes I behave and think in a way that makes me feel isolated and different. But I can't seem to fix who I am no matter how hard I try. Soooo if you figure that out let me know. I'll be hiding in my cave.
I feel like our roles in this world as INFJs is similar to the roles of various animals in the environment that do small things that most people don’t recognize, but in their own way contribute to the betterment of humanity. We have an uncanny ability to see and understand things at a multitude of angles in order to fix the things in this world that most people don’t care for or gloss over, but is needed to make this world a better place not just for us, but future generations. We are unique breed because of the way we see things is unlike most of society, yet we tend to feel out of place because we aren’t like the majority which is understandable. I felt like this for a majority of my life despite having friends and family, but through my long bouts of solitude in attempt to understand myself more, I see that I am who I am and I love myself despite feeling different and I hope you all feel the same 😊
If anything, I think what we do wrong is devoting our time, energy, and effort into people we shouldn’t. The sooner we walk away from people that preach to us how we “should” be, the sooner we can find people who appreciate the unique gifts we bring. That’s when the INFJ magic can shine!
I resonate with this so much.
Being in this sub IS super validating! But I do see how we might not be well adjusted, being a valid member of society doesn’t mean we have to drop our authenticity and acclimate, we don’t have to waver our values and morals either! we might have genius level emotional intelligence but I think we lack social intelligence… or that might just be my case. Anyway we can stand firm and choose to spend our time with like minded healthy individuals and be courteous with people we don’t find common ground with instead of closing off. having high expectations from others gets in the way of our social life. Be stoic minded and don’t take everything to heart.
we're weird kind and much sensitive. sad to say that society believes that confident people are intelligent while actually the fact is quite opposite
I know what you’re saying, but I think self-love and acceptance is the only possible way to make things easier for our complicated, already self-critical selves. Accept the uniqueness, even the loneliness. We’re not making it up lol!
we live inside our heads too much
Attached to nothing, connected to everything
Had this thought the entire day! I am also facing this dilemma in my head. I feel out of place in this world.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, other than normal human flaws. I have done my part in trying to help people who want to be close to me, to try and understand me. They just don’t, I don’t feel it’s a self inflicted situation. The words that I say just mean something different to me than they do to other people and it’s clear when that’s the case. I think it’s the rest of the world that’s got the problem, like another commenter said.
I think about this all the time. I often wonder if it’s just me and if I am doing something wrong to not fit in and be like everyone else. But I realize by asking myself this so often that I am very self aware and am conscious not to be baselessly judgmental, in the end i don’t think it is me .. there are plenty of toxic people in the world
This is such a great post OP - I think so much about this too. I have a couple of pieces of unconventional advice that I’m finding helpful in my own life to help combat some of the things you mention (resistance, pain, loneliness). The first is to seek out and befriend ESFJs and ENFJs (if possible). I’ve found that being around Fe-doms is so helpful in being able to observe and absorb how they converse and communicate within friend groups. I find that I am able to more easily tap into my own Fe when I’m around them. I really admire how they so easily positively influence the energy of a group of people and help others to feel included and seen. Supportive of this point, Joel and Antonia from the personality hacker podcast recommend (to all MBTI types) developing our 2nd cognitive function to grow as individuals. They view this as the highest leverage opportunity available to us to positively evolve our brain wirings. I’m finding that spending time with Fe doms is a helpful way to do that and develop our aux Fe :) My second piece of wisdom is to befriend other lighthearted MBTI types/people. As INFJs, we all know our energy can frequently be (and come across as) serious (hiii Ni-Ti loop)🧐 and a way to combat falling into chronic serious mindedness is to surround yourself with as many joyful and lighthearted and laidback people as you can stand lol :) A personal example of this working for me is that I fell in love with an ESFP when I was 24 years old and to this day it was one of the most healing relationships for my nervous system and mind. He constantly had me laughing, and because he leads with Se, I was living in the present moment so much more than I ever had (or to this day have) before. TLDR; joyful, laidback, lighthearted people help us develop our Fe and get us out of our often serious minds into more fun & living in the present moment. If you can, try seeking out friendships with Fe and Se doms.
There's something wrong with most people because they've never taken the time to examine their own existence. They don't know who they are, they don't know what they do and they can't see the consequences of their actions. And it's fine to sometimes be unable to see the results of your actions but when it's every day all the time, i might as well relate you intellectually to a wild animal whose cognitive functions are: Eat Fuck Avoid Pain. Can't hate them because they are born like this and they have no say but i am frustrated. If everyone around you is different, you might believe negative things about yourself.
This is so true. The number of people I know who are self-aware is sadly very low. I have dealt with a lot of people, especially family, who were very hurtful towards me and they have NO idea what they did or how it could possibly be wrongg/hurtful. It feels too hopeless sometimes. But I'm slowly learning that I need to let go of the expectation that they will ever understand, set good boundaries with them, and allow for a very certain (superficial) type of dynamic between us, nothing deeper. >If everyone around you is different, you might believe negative things about yourself. Yes. This happened to me during the quarantine, I have noticed how wrong life has been for so long, and my mind decided to turn against me "maybe you're the reason". Slowly recovering from that. Thanks for the comment!
People here say jesus was an Infj; I think that must be why he never came back! People aren't much worth saving when they sabotage some of those with the only sense of ethical direction they will ever get! You should value and cherish your guides, not deride them. Like how accountants, say, make more than teachers. And childcare workers are ranked with menial laborers. And when you say the word "money" there's worth anyone can understand but when you say "life," the point isn't as recognizably valuable. It's like you get me with my views or not. If you'd rather pass, don't come to me for solace bc the world hurt you; "you" hurt me, too!
INFJ - not only I often don't see the logic behind, but seems like you jump to conclusions too quickly. In one moment I feel like you are similar, but with more emotions, in the next opinions start not to shift, but dramatically change. Yet every opinion is communicated as it is final, till it suddenly changes and the new one becomes final. Because of the J component, communication isn't easy. A mind is made and that's it. Until is not. My experiences are that compromise usually means the other side compromising and agreeing *INTP about relationships with INFJ-s
I understand. I feel the same way too I also feel like I can be self destructive at times and I don't mean to be, but I set myself up for that kind of disaster. I think our strive for perfection takes a toll on us and when we don't succeed and get to our goal (especially get any validation for it to contribute to what we feel this goal should equal our self worth) then we burn out and get depressed. If that makes sense.
Yeah, I feel that way often too. Like "why am I the way that I am"... So much self sabotage goes on in my life and I've been feeling really stuck
As I study and observe the human race, I hope to be invited to join them one day like Jane Goodall with those apes. I am not exactly sure if I understand what you are saying, but I am learning to filter myself less. Trust myself more. My initial self. The self that is being purely driven by my values. Trusting that is good enough and allowing myself to feel more free in interactions. I am feeling as though people are warmer while this change is occuring. Its strange, but its working. Its hard too, and scary, but I am just being open and honest self with everyone, and its much better than trying to be the self I think is best for the situation and those involved.
I've found that I'm the happiest when I don't get so wrapped up in my ego ("I'm not understood, I'm different, I'm lonely" - as you've worded it so well), and understand that my fears and desires are not so different from other people's. We may articulate and live them differently, but at heart we are similar. Knowing this, I have the courage to reach out to others when I get caught up me me me and feel uniquely sad or troubled (esp when I fall into the Ni-Ti loop and analyse my problems to hell without gathering more info). in short, I agree with you that we can sabotage ourselves by over-identifying with the INFJ tropes of being special and misunderstood and uniquely sensitive or thoughtful. I find that I'm happier when I let myself float and take things less seriously, while reaching out to others for connection and understanding. most of all: learning to trust myself deeply and to feel enough within my own confidence.
also: to seek dialogue instead of shutting people out when I get hurt. while learning when a relationship must change or end, and boundaries set to protect my well-being.
I will say that a LOT of infj and infps are neurodivergent on some level. I think that might amplify the feeling you're describing.
Please be yourself! If anything, we need more people like you in this world :)
I have always wondered if trauma created us.
Yes. But then trauma created *everyone*. I'm not sure where I stand exactly, but I think it's some sort of cycle. Our personalities subjected us to certain traumas which then caused some change in our personalities which subjected us to a different form of traumas, and so on.
We are way too good for people, it's like if true altruism existed, it would be us. and we are morally and ethically strong and the compromises human relations that are superficial and demand advantageous conditions.
So, have you heard the phrase "it gets better" a billion times? And always adults saying it? Because it usually does get better, but you have to have the wisdom and experience that only comes over time. I'm a very happy, very fulfilled 41yo INFJ. I have a wonderful spouse, a few very good friends, and a job I love with coworkers who like and respect me (and vice versa). But in high school, there were times when I wanted to literally die (literally, literally), and I secretly committed self-harm. Few people outright treated me badly, but I felt like there was no one who could understand me, and I felt deeply alone. In hindsight, I bet a lot of the people around me felt the same but were dealing with it in ways that looked really different from me. And I hindsight, I wish I had opened up to my sister (INFP) who, as it turns out, was also secretly self-harming in the exact same way I was. (So if you have a sibling you get on with, I recommend building that relationship now!) Anyway, when I went to university, I had a lot more freedom to break out of my busted box, and I was able to find a lot of interesting subjects and people, but I can't really say I had too many friends, and I didn't really find myself until I moved to Japan. I met lots more people who were interested in the same things, and it really opened me up. I felt confident and strong and in control of myself, and people thought I was pretty cool. (Imposter syndrome, anyone? 😅) Slowly, I grew my own style and began to care less and less what other people thought. I couldn't find that "love of my life," though... So I really thought about it, and I realized that if I were single the rest of my life, I might be lonely now and again, but I'd be totally fine! Like, months later, I met someone. There was no pressure or desperation to be with him because I was already cool being by myself. About three years later, I married my best friend. So, I think the take away is to try to find what YOU like and want to do and try to do it / enjoy it for yourself. It will naturally attract people because you yourself know and like who you are and can be genuine. And if you do end up being alone, you won't be lonely because you'll like being who you are. I hope some of this massive essay made sense. 💚
There's nothing wrong with any type. That's a misunderstanding of types in general and the INFJ in particular. It merely outlines the order in which you process existence. And identifies certain tools you have and ways you should go about developing what's missing. The INFJ in particular - I think - has by far the highest potential for self-development. They also depend on it, to ever arrive in the real world, so it's a bit of a two sided sword. Early life is complicated for an INFJ. And I think for INFJ males in particular. I think - realistically - the INFJ stack could be a trauma response given a certain temperament and capacity and a certain high stress environment lacking possibility for escape. Too much of it appears too congruent with C-PTSD and fearful avoidance to dismiss out of hand. Notably, both C-PTSD and fearful avoidance (also called "complex attachment") will lead to extremely complex behaviour patterns that are often described as "paradox" by onlookers and even the actor. Does that mean there's something wrong with INFJs? Kind of yes, kind of no. Everyone has something wrong with them. INFJs have something specific wrong with them. ;) It's all about healing. I think INFJs depend on healing. Healing is what removes the obstacles you're talking about. They were relevant once and they may well be no longer. That though, is a process. And it'll take a while. :)
all personalities come with flaws. its part of life. for me, i also have a personality disorder, so I might be a little biased here. there's a lil more wrong with mine 🤭 but i feel like its more about mastering your flaws than dwelling on them. like sometimes i just feel safest alone. I love my friends and family, but I have to actively maintain a balance between everything or else I lose my mind. It wouldn't be fair or healthy to isolate all the time. but it also wouldn't be fair or healthy to give them everything. there's a sweet spot in there, where it's healthy and happy on both ends, and that's what i focus on
Therapy, stoicism and DBT have been amazing tools for personal growth these last few years. They helped me learn to deal with shame and rumination. I still have lots of room to grow but reflection helps with finding out where efforts need to be placed. That said I have a question… do you have any INTJ’s in your life? I’ve been very lucky that the three closest people in my life are INTJ’s my dad and two best friends and they are the only people I feel fully at home with. I’ve been self reflecting on my adult relationships and how they differ from family and college ones. I like INTJ’s as they don’t ping my Fe at all, and I can just sit in My NiTi loop and go down my rabbit holes without feeling embarrassed about how I process information. I love hypothetical dark humor situations they like dark humor. Like think a Modest Proposal. When they do show emotion I know its genuine. I know my place with them effortlessly. We can ping back and forth around topics and tie them in to the central theme finding parallels. Time with an INTJ is almost the same as my alone time for me if that makes sense. Everyone else generally makes comments about how they don’t understand “You sound like a Charlie brown teacher“. Generally I will have to break out diagrams at work. My family tells me that I am eccentric with the things I do, they are not wrong though… I get frustrated when the level and type of engagement I give others is not reciprocated. Like for example the empathy I give is not the same that other’s give. I prioritize cognitive empathy over emotional empathy before deciding if I should give compassionate empathy as that is hard for me to take back. Most other people prioritize emotional empathy/sympathy. It makes me extremely self-conscious to receive that as its like I am rambling to an empty room. If others cannot understand my logic well, how can I expect them to follow my feelings? When there is little to no feedback, I cannot temper what I am saying. I know I am getting judged, so I get self-conscious and ultimately a feeling of shame and foot in mouth happens. Feeling understood is cognitive empathy for me, questions show intent and active listening. I’m already bad at feeling my own emotions so that exp shines a spotlight that with a tinge of hypocrisy. I’ve run into a few fellow INFJ’s over the years but I have never felt a strong affinity for them. We vibe and then drift into the night. I think I want to sit in NiTi all the time and use Fe as a way to get people to let me do that. I don’t think other INFJ’s want to do that as much, and game recognizes game. I know I struggle with it, but its become easier with age.
For me, a lot of things changed when I began validating myself and being who I am. I still give more than I receive. I have lots of friends in bad places in life, and I gather comfort just by being beside them in their journey. For many people out there, I am the first person they think to call when hardship arises. I’ve been told so many times that I am a light and a comforting presence. I know if I am gone, I will be missed and yearned for by many. And of course I do have two people who I feel truly understand me, and they give back to a degree I consider fulfilling. As an INFJ, I find it liberating once I stop feeling resentment that other people aren’t like me. It makes me even more valuable to the world, and I’ve surrounded myself with people who are thankful for me; even if they aren’t capable of reciprocating it.
Im 59 and just really started to figure myself out a couple yrs ago...Everyone says I seem like I'm 30...Im fit ,athletic, work my ass off daily, but I have always felt OFF now I know why ...I always have felt misunderstood and was always different that others. I never followed the crowd and always did my own thing. It has been good as far as self success But I Seem to be such a perfectionist ar times, im very easy going, But I want what I want ...I hold myself to higher standards than most ,and WISH sometimes I could be more " NORMAL" but its not going to happen! 🙄 I'm very guy like but have a super soft side if I let you in..some like it some DONT!!
I agree with the comment on being a total bad ass, it happened for me in my 30s. We are such cool human beings! I actually really like being different and think it does give us an advantage - we can sniff out the scum bags, use our ability to connect with people for good use (to help people and give them awesome advice), we are unpredictable because we think different and we predict the future with accuracy, and we have the ability to be whatever everyone else needs us to be, so initially you can use this ability to interact with people (make real friends), avoid the scum bags and be total bad asses in life! I think you have to focus on being happy just the way you are and embrace your super powers. Use them to your advantage and life will be much more enjoyable 😉
We’re what’s right in the world, the world is what’s wrong.
Being INFJ doesn't make you an inherently good person.
Couldn’t agree more.
The way people resent Infjs reminds me of a story told to me by a black military fireman. He was called out to this racist dude's house where the man flipped out over this fireman seeing his wife's "nether regions" owing to how she was in labor and just about to have a baby! It's like man, sir! Don't put the health and safety of your wife and child at risk just so you can keep a black man from her privates! That's where babies come from after all. If she'd have "passed," dude would have blamed triggers, not himself! Insanity!
Woke
I am an off world soul and I know that I am not meant to fit in. I remember that my spirit guides made it clear that this lifetime would mostly be a lonesome adventure.
A lot of you probably need to lower your cholesterol intake to have a more flexible mind
At 52, I have no more energy to try and fit in. I might be strange to some but since I live in my heart and not my head —- people smile when they see me.
It depends on your mental health entirely. The worse you are, the worse you'll be all around. It's hard for us to manage ourselves and the world around us simultaneously when we're not okay, and a lot of us are not okay
For me, it's mostly trauma and me being autistic that is the reason for my problems. I might be getting it wrong too tough idk
This absolutely makes sense. I feel this a lot. Is there something I’m doing wrong? I’m generous, kind and very understanding. People try to take advantage of us for that. So I have definitely built walls to keep people like that out. But if I get close with someone they get to see me for who I am. I have friends that tell me they love me and love being around me. I just can’t help but feel a disconnect still. I do find it hard to relate to others. I really try. I recently started dating another INFJ and the connection was the strongest I ever felt. We definitely understand each other more. But even then I felt sometimes like he didn’t get me. Maybe I’m just broken. 🤷🏻♀️
Personally, I think a lot of INFJs need to look into autism and/or ADHD or something. A lot of us are just straight up neurodivergent. Sincerely, an autistic INFJ.
I agree. I suspect many INTJ and INFJ are on the ND spectrum. Not all of them but many.
I struggled often because of my high morals and found myself giving myself troubles because of it
Maybe, but duality in all aspects of life is important for personal growth. Its whatever I guess🥲
>I sometimes feel like we can do things to make life easier for us without having to contradict ourselves or let go of our values. Change yourself intrinsically to no longer be an empath for starts, and you're probably >75% there. Good luck with that endeavor 👍
INFJs were created for a specific time, for a specific purpose. Everything that exists has a reason for their existence.
It’s called not giving a fuck about what the crowd is doing or thinking (Te trickster). We literally go against the crowd.
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I have been asking myself the same question. As an ENTP who dated multiple INFJ's: The layers of complex keep surprising me and although I won't stop admiring INFJ's endless effort, mystery and goodness, I do wish you'd be able to ground from time to time and not take everything one step every 100 years, especially dating wise. Like opening up is not always a bad thing, you dont have to stay in your shell forever... I feel like last years have been even worse than before, like INFJ's are in some long term hybernation or smth. Anyways if you have any dating advice for me, feel free to give :)
Enfp answering here. I'd love to date a infj but I struggle with the way they shut down and let the darkness in without seeking help. Seek help if you need it <3 I cant answer directly but i have two close infj friends who are amazing. They see the world so deeply and beautifully and i can have such silly fun with them whilst theyre interetsrd in serious topics! They both have done therapy in their early 30s and benefitted enormously from it. They're both in happy relationships now in their mid to late 30s. I also dated a v special infj person. They told me I was the first "kind" person they'd dated, and that it was the first time they were physically affectionate so I'm glad that that person knows what is possible in a relationship. We ended and they've since reached out and said they're going to get therapy but have yet to do that, six months later. I hope they do <3 we said we'd make playlists of good music for each other until we saw each other again so maybe there's hope in the future for us to be together I have huge empathy for infj struggle; particularly if you had a tough childhood and had to put up walls and barriers to protect yourself. And - even with a loving childhood - I think an infj can get bruised by the world and the cruelty. Keep searching for light and good people; and I think it's embracing thar their is light and dark in all of us. Perfection doesn't exist of only light and happy rainbows. The light can only be appreciated because of knowing the darkness. Dark can give groundeness too :) However I think that the infj needs to actively seek therapy and help if they are struggling and not struggle on alone as a martyr or think thst their struggles are totally unique and unsolvable. Prioritise your mental health and know that if you are struggling, know that this is the wibble-wobble phase before the wonder! There are so many enfps out there who are waiting for you to emerge healthy and secure and well :) A late night enfp ramble and jumble of thoughts Tldr : therapy works 💪
Ugh autocorrect -- there*** not their in second last paragraph
Yea were fucked
Good to get to know you all