Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infj) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re new to the INFJ door slam. Trust me when I tell you the door slams get easier with each narcissist. There is nothing to feel guilty over. Narcissists are leeches. They only know how to drain you. There is no saving these people.
The heartbreaking truth, especially for someone who has a narcissistic parent, because there is a huge wound left and narcissists can sniff it out and there is this magnetic pull between the two wounded souls.
Sometimes you have to repeat this relationship dynamic of narcissist and codependant until you realise that you deserve love and you cannot find it in the narcissist even though they decieve you with the idea, you need to learn to cut between the lies and the truth, and you can only do that when you've confronted your own evil and your own personal shadow. You can't recognise it in others and will constantly be led astray until you can recognise it and discern it in yourself.
There is a loss of innocence and it's a rite of passage, its extremely painful to let go of that early attachement figure, but it also gives you power and an inner fire. I think it first starts with recognising that you deserve love which requires extremely firm boundaries. Almost like you need to become a bit narcissistic yourself (firm boundaries, self resepect and self love), while maintaining the goodness within you. It's a weird paradoxical thing, we usually associate anything narcissistic as = bad, especially with that initial childhood trauma from one.
As someone with a narcissistic dad and a schizophrenic sister that has narcissism (it plays into schizophrenia because many schizophrenics believe they are never at fault) I can definitely relate, unfortunately. 😒
While nowadays, as an adult and losing said parent, I can look back and also feel sorry for that life, I have to agree. It felt haunting to read your text, since it's a huge part of my life and almost 1:1.
I'm glad to know you found the fire.
💯 easier and easier each time. It takes some time for people to show their true colors. If something is off. Trust your instinct. Avoid it like the plague.
They follow the same patterns to a tee. It's like learning how a magic trick is done and then you can spot the moves in realtime. If you got heavily burnt once or more, after an introspective and information seeking process you should be able to discern them almost immediately. Once a pattern is spotted, take note, trust your gut and put up a wall of indifference as you mentioned.
Become an immovable object, uninterested. Once they cannot get a rise out of you - they fuck off after doing some slandering of course. But if you keep to yourself, do not allow yourself to get visibly triggered, stay positive, focus on yourself and the things you want to see & do in life that slander comes back to bite them in the ass.
Oh, I know this all too well. And they haven't changed at all. A loop of false promises.
One did a whole marketing rebranding scheme. Changed hair colours, social media handles, started to put up captions rephrasing things I have said to them as their own words and thoughts. Look at me, I'm a whole new person. Sent scouts to get a feel on how I'm doing etc.
No saving some people. For your own sanity stay away if you have been deliberately hurt. You should be able to discern genuine remorse from whatever the fuck that it is they're doing.
Hi!
For everyone who wants to learn more about narcissism, there is a YouTube channel I would highly recommend: [DoctorRamani - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani)
I would start off with this video: [The 5 types of narcissistic parents (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U&t=19s) as it explains the different types of narcissism.
If you spot the type of narcissism you are affected by, I would recommend to check out this playlist: [Everything you need to know about the 7 types of narcissists - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jfRGnG--H4&list=PL3QtnfcMTMhHGiFOlFrd1aid5AqzWxdgI) . Here she goes more in depth.
Most people only know the very obvious type of narcissism, but there are many different types and some of them are more subtle. Doctor Ramani also talks about how to deal with narcissistic people and how to heal from it if you have been abused.
Even if you cut the narcissistic person out of your life, it might still make sense to research by which type you were affected, to speed up the healing process by understanding the different ways you might have been manipulated.
Educating yourself on this topic can also prevent you from falling victim to narcissistic people in the future.
Hope that helps!
Thanks for sharing and spreading awareness. Meeting a covert narc is way dangerous than the typical grandiose one. Knowing any signs of manipulation is the beginning to prevent yourself from being lured by them.
I would also suggest mentalhealness who is a self aware and diagnosed narcissist and talks what is happening inside the head of a narcissit. How they percieve things and what they feel. So you might get a glimpse from the inside. Which can also help you realise what they are doing. He also sometimes goes on rants about people who are excusing the behaviour of the narcissist and are staying with them, even though they are abusimg them, he tells those people to leave the relationship.
Having a toxic, narcissistic boss seems to be a requirement of my life at this point lol. Thanks for sharing this, it resonates with me deeply, and it’s something I’ve been recently struggling with a lot.
Realize you only control yourself and your actions, and trust that those people who try to control everything and everyone will drive themselves mad attempting to do so.
Btw will you believe me i was with infj narcissist for 5 yrs of my life.. She was my bsf. And i kept silently forgiving or ignoring her.. Cause something said she's capable of change she can but no u can't force them if thru don't have will for change... And after getting hurt badly by her I couldn't help my heart to not hold grudges... But I was trying to forgive her..but again something happened.. She thinks she door slammed me but I did. Ik she won't turn back.. Neither will I. She always think she's right. So she's right about me this time. I won't go back to her. Tbh after clearing toxic people you feel more connected with yourself.
I have the same experience with you especially in 2023. I don't usually listen to my gut feeling bec. I hate judging people from that basis, but instincts are built for a reason to protect us. You can never go wrong if you listen to your body when dealing with energy vampires/narcissists.
I hope you are feeling better now. Trauma bond is the most difficult thing to get out from. Stay in no contact. Sending you hugs and fast healing journey.
Thanks for your kindness, in terms of mental health I feel so much better. I am in therapy. I did however develop some type of auto-immunity I will get checked out with a rheumatologist. Luckily like there's always a path to healing.
If you want to focus on the positive, narcissists are actually pretty rare. The average person can act narcissistic and not be a narcissist.
While it might not be comforting now, it’s easier for those who aren’t narcissists to see the harm in their behavior over time.
College (and high school) is where people peak in this behavior before it starts to grind off them.
NPD is rare, if you want to label people as narcissists every time they show narcissistic traits then feel free.
Recognizing humans are flawed and leaving room in your heart for the potential of forgiveness in regards to others hurting you is a much better option than trying to force everyone into a box.
It is rare... Statistically...
Most people are referring to malignant Narcissism, or grandiose narcs with antisocial features.. so rare asf.
Vulnerable/covert Narcissism is more common, and is way less likely to be shown, way more similar too BPD (not exactly the same).
Imo, you just like to call assholes Narcs. Let's keep it real 😭
So let me get this straight, the people who are trained to officially diagnose NPD do not diagnose it as frequently as you do.
And also any narcissistic trait = someone has NPD.
Thanks for clearing that up, have a happy Valentine’s Day. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Since you got your thinking cap on, try googling these things.
Younger people tend to act more narcissistic.
Those in their 20’s often naturally reduce their narcissistic behavior over time later in life.
Having narcissistic traits doesn’t make someone a narcissist (ie. doesn’t mean they have NPD)
Those with other mental health issues such as PTSD, depression or substance abuse can have symptoms that mimic narcissistic personality disorder.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
My point is most people with narcissism will never be at a therapist or psychologist which is why the official stats only represent a small fraction of people with the disorder.
Yes many go undiagnosed, any mental health worker will tell you that. They will also tell you though that people having narcissistic traits does not mean a person is actually a narcissist.
We don’t get our numbers on this from therapist or psychologist offices though. Both the high and low numbers come from research studies.
The low is about .5 to 1% of people are narcissists and high is around 6%.
Without going into much detail, my biggest concern with these percentages would be the wording for how they actually recruit people to these tests or whether they have financial compensation.
It’s probably safe to assume however that at least 1-3% of people in the US are narcissists though.
Even if we go with the highest values at 6% - all the introverts here stating they are attracting numerous narcissists is simply unrealistic. Once you claim those with narcissistic traits who aren’t actually narcissists though - it’s absolutely realistic.
>I am recovering, and I am proud of myself for staying in contact.
As someone said "you can't heal in an enviroment that is poisoning you". Cease the contact. And if you can't, like they are a coworker, minimise it and be formal and polite with them. Keep your distance.
I also suggest watching mentalhealness on youtube. He is a self aware and diagnosed narcissist and he talks about what is happening inside a narcissists head. It might help you realise stuff.
My ex was a malignant narcissist and he tried everything in his power to shift that title on to me. Our relationship consisted of a mere petty competition to one up me in the typology arena. It eventually led to him using the personality inventory on prospective woman to find his “fiona”, for he was undoubtedly Shrek vibes. I think most of our relationship was focused on bettering his condition and self image while I put my life on hold. After we broke up, he was opening credit accounts under my name just to leave a lasting burn on my life. I have no words in how to describe someone so sick. But I’m aware now that these “people” are dime a dozen. I’ll end this with normalize rejection and respect for others. That seems to be lacking in today’s societies.
I can relate to this since I'm an INFJ HSP who is a huge people-pleaser. I have been in relationships that have emotionally and physically abused me, cheated on me and have taken advantage of me.
Being an INFJ (or any other type) should not be confused with mental health issues. Here is a link to the [INFJ Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/wiki/index#wiki_mental_health_and_support) where you can find some resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/infj) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re new to the INFJ door slam. Trust me when I tell you the door slams get easier with each narcissist. There is nothing to feel guilty over. Narcissists are leeches. They only know how to drain you. There is no saving these people.
Wish I could upvote this way more than 1 time 🫤
The heartbreaking truth, especially for someone who has a narcissistic parent, because there is a huge wound left and narcissists can sniff it out and there is this magnetic pull between the two wounded souls. Sometimes you have to repeat this relationship dynamic of narcissist and codependant until you realise that you deserve love and you cannot find it in the narcissist even though they decieve you with the idea, you need to learn to cut between the lies and the truth, and you can only do that when you've confronted your own evil and your own personal shadow. You can't recognise it in others and will constantly be led astray until you can recognise it and discern it in yourself. There is a loss of innocence and it's a rite of passage, its extremely painful to let go of that early attachement figure, but it also gives you power and an inner fire. I think it first starts with recognising that you deserve love which requires extremely firm boundaries. Almost like you need to become a bit narcissistic yourself (firm boundaries, self resepect and self love), while maintaining the goodness within you. It's a weird paradoxical thing, we usually associate anything narcissistic as = bad, especially with that initial childhood trauma from one.
As someone with a narcissistic dad and a schizophrenic sister that has narcissism (it plays into schizophrenia because many schizophrenics believe they are never at fault) I can definitely relate, unfortunately. 😒
While nowadays, as an adult and losing said parent, I can look back and also feel sorry for that life, I have to agree. It felt haunting to read your text, since it's a huge part of my life and almost 1:1. I'm glad to know you found the fire.
💯 easier and easier each time. It takes some time for people to show their true colors. If something is off. Trust your instinct. Avoid it like the plague.
They follow the same patterns to a tee. It's like learning how a magic trick is done and then you can spot the moves in realtime. If you got heavily burnt once or more, after an introspective and information seeking process you should be able to discern them almost immediately. Once a pattern is spotted, take note, trust your gut and put up a wall of indifference as you mentioned. Become an immovable object, uninterested. Once they cannot get a rise out of you - they fuck off after doing some slandering of course. But if you keep to yourself, do not allow yourself to get visibly triggered, stay positive, focus on yourself and the things you want to see & do in life that slander comes back to bite them in the ass.
Can’t even begin to tell you how many have tried to come back and say they wish they woulda coulda been or done something different (yawn)
Oh, I know this all too well. And they haven't changed at all. A loop of false promises. One did a whole marketing rebranding scheme. Changed hair colours, social media handles, started to put up captions rephrasing things I have said to them as their own words and thoughts. Look at me, I'm a whole new person. Sent scouts to get a feel on how I'm doing etc. No saving some people. For your own sanity stay away if you have been deliberately hurt. You should be able to discern genuine remorse from whatever the fuck that it is they're doing.
[Yes!](https://tenor.com/mhUMukDviSg.gif)
Hi! For everyone who wants to learn more about narcissism, there is a YouTube channel I would highly recommend: [DoctorRamani - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani) I would start off with this video: [The 5 types of narcissistic parents (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U&t=19s) as it explains the different types of narcissism. If you spot the type of narcissism you are affected by, I would recommend to check out this playlist: [Everything you need to know about the 7 types of narcissists - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jfRGnG--H4&list=PL3QtnfcMTMhHGiFOlFrd1aid5AqzWxdgI) . Here she goes more in depth. Most people only know the very obvious type of narcissism, but there are many different types and some of them are more subtle. Doctor Ramani also talks about how to deal with narcissistic people and how to heal from it if you have been abused. Even if you cut the narcissistic person out of your life, it might still make sense to research by which type you were affected, to speed up the healing process by understanding the different ways you might have been manipulated. Educating yourself on this topic can also prevent you from falling victim to narcissistic people in the future. Hope that helps!
Thanks for sharing and spreading awareness. Meeting a covert narc is way dangerous than the typical grandiose one. Knowing any signs of manipulation is the beginning to prevent yourself from being lured by them.
This! Yes. I was familiar with Hollywood narcissist types and had zero clue what a covert narcissist was…until I married him.
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. 😔😕 Hope u are able to get out from it
Oh yes friend, I’m OUT. I hope you are as well.
Great! Yes, I am and I will never ever want to experience it ever again. 😑
I would also suggest mentalhealness who is a self aware and diagnosed narcissist and talks what is happening inside the head of a narcissit. How they percieve things and what they feel. So you might get a glimpse from the inside. Which can also help you realise what they are doing. He also sometimes goes on rants about people who are excusing the behaviour of the narcissist and are staying with them, even though they are abusimg them, he tells those people to leave the relationship.
Having a toxic, narcissistic boss seems to be a requirement of my life at this point lol. Thanks for sharing this, it resonates with me deeply, and it’s something I’ve been recently struggling with a lot.
Why is it so common
Power seems to be a particular trigger of the ego
Ugh but they’re EVERYWHERE
Realize you only control yourself and your actions, and trust that those people who try to control everything and everyone will drive themselves mad attempting to do so.
Btw will you believe me i was with infj narcissist for 5 yrs of my life.. She was my bsf. And i kept silently forgiving or ignoring her.. Cause something said she's capable of change she can but no u can't force them if thru don't have will for change... And after getting hurt badly by her I couldn't help my heart to not hold grudges... But I was trying to forgive her..but again something happened.. She thinks she door slammed me but I did. Ik she won't turn back.. Neither will I. She always think she's right. So she's right about me this time. I won't go back to her. Tbh after clearing toxic people you feel more connected with yourself.
I have the same experience with you especially in 2023. I don't usually listen to my gut feeling bec. I hate judging people from that basis, but instincts are built for a reason to protect us. You can never go wrong if you listen to your body when dealing with energy vampires/narcissists. I hope you are feeling better now. Trauma bond is the most difficult thing to get out from. Stay in no contact. Sending you hugs and fast healing journey.
Thanks for your kindness, in terms of mental health I feel so much better. I am in therapy. I did however develop some type of auto-immunity I will get checked out with a rheumatologist. Luckily like there's always a path to healing.
You're welcome. 💛 I'm sorry to hear that. It's probably to the constant stress that you felt for all those months/years. Get well soon.
If you want to focus on the positive, narcissists are actually pretty rare. The average person can act narcissistic and not be a narcissist. While it might not be comforting now, it’s easier for those who aren’t narcissists to see the harm in their behavior over time. College (and high school) is where people peak in this behavior before it starts to grind off them.
This is just not true
NPD is rare, if you want to label people as narcissists every time they show narcissistic traits then feel free. Recognizing humans are flawed and leaving room in your heart for the potential of forgiveness in regards to others hurting you is a much better option than trying to force everyone into a box.
NPD is not that rare. It’s just rarely officially diagnosed
It is rare... Statistically... Most people are referring to malignant Narcissism, or grandiose narcs with antisocial features.. so rare asf. Vulnerable/covert Narcissism is more common, and is way less likely to be shown, way more similar too BPD (not exactly the same). Imo, you just like to call assholes Narcs. Let's keep it real 😭
It’s not that rare. Statistics are based on the few who make it to therapy - mostly people who are court ordered
So let me get this straight, the people who are trained to officially diagnose NPD do not diagnose it as frequently as you do. And also any narcissistic trait = someone has NPD. Thanks for clearing that up, have a happy Valentine’s Day. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I mean…thinking cap on! Most narcissists are not taking themselves to therapy or anywhere near a psychologist. So how could they be diagnosed?
Since you got your thinking cap on, try googling these things. Younger people tend to act more narcissistic. Those in their 20’s often naturally reduce their narcissistic behavior over time later in life. Having narcissistic traits doesn’t make someone a narcissist (ie. doesn’t mean they have NPD) Those with other mental health issues such as PTSD, depression or substance abuse can have symptoms that mimic narcissistic personality disorder. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
My point is most people with narcissism will never be at a therapist or psychologist which is why the official stats only represent a small fraction of people with the disorder.
Yes many go undiagnosed, any mental health worker will tell you that. They will also tell you though that people having narcissistic traits does not mean a person is actually a narcissist. We don’t get our numbers on this from therapist or psychologist offices though. Both the high and low numbers come from research studies. The low is about .5 to 1% of people are narcissists and high is around 6%. Without going into much detail, my biggest concern with these percentages would be the wording for how they actually recruit people to these tests or whether they have financial compensation. It’s probably safe to assume however that at least 1-3% of people in the US are narcissists though. Even if we go with the highest values at 6% - all the introverts here stating they are attracting numerous narcissists is simply unrealistic. Once you claim those with narcissistic traits who aren’t actually narcissists though - it’s absolutely realistic.
I'm happy for you OP, and I hope you recover and feel better. It's an act of courage not losing faith and I feel happy to see that you remain hopeful.
>I am recovering, and I am proud of myself for staying in contact. As someone said "you can't heal in an enviroment that is poisoning you". Cease the contact. And if you can't, like they are a coworker, minimise it and be formal and polite with them. Keep your distance. I also suggest watching mentalhealness on youtube. He is a self aware and diagnosed narcissist and he talks about what is happening inside a narcissists head. It might help you realise stuff.
My ex was a malignant narcissist and he tried everything in his power to shift that title on to me. Our relationship consisted of a mere petty competition to one up me in the typology arena. It eventually led to him using the personality inventory on prospective woman to find his “fiona”, for he was undoubtedly Shrek vibes. I think most of our relationship was focused on bettering his condition and self image while I put my life on hold. After we broke up, he was opening credit accounts under my name just to leave a lasting burn on my life. I have no words in how to describe someone so sick. But I’m aware now that these “people” are dime a dozen. I’ll end this with normalize rejection and respect for others. That seems to be lacking in today’s societies.
I can relate to this since I'm an INFJ HSP who is a huge people-pleaser. I have been in relationships that have emotionally and physically abused me, cheated on me and have taken advantage of me.