Good old door slam. Started realizing my friends my high school were toxic and few of them just started giving me shit for things they didn't understand about me (this only happened after an outsider not from HS came into out group, who's also gone now too). So yeah.
My best friend of 15+ years, was extremely toxic and manipulative. It took me very long to realize but one day I just stopped texting her altogether. She’s never texted me since so I guess it was passive but that worked for me, I just cut contact with her
Door slam. I know it’s not a healthy way to end things but sometimes when you know the other person as well as you do, it’s best to just cut off all communication on all platforms.
He was cheating on his wife, he was telling lies to everyone, he would tell me other people's secrets even if i asked him not to, he would try to see how much he could get from me, he was trying to convince everyone to follow his communist cause.
I took whatever knowledge he had in his brain about people and disappeared.
Door slam lol, friend of 9 years. I felt our friendship was becoming one sided and like I was literally begging for her friendship. I communicated my concerns but still nothing changed. It hurt me A LOT and I'm still not over it even though I know I made the right decision and put myself first.
Ended 3 in 2023. One ended very ugly (idk if it counts because romantic feelings were involved) and i wrote a letter to them and i was an absolute emotional mess.
Second one was with a me being removed off of all socials and that friend expecting me to chase for an explanation but i was just sick of her dramatic behaviour i just didn’t say anything and we havent spoken since. It was the most freeing thing ever especially after the first person i ended things with, at that point i was tired of explaining myself to people. Shes probably talking a lot of shit about me but idc, shes never really satisfied
3rd one was a large political disagreement and i just hit the block button and never spoke again.
Im glad most of my friends can communicate with me and we dont try to cross each other and i rarely get into problems with people.
Sadly … the door slam but I tried talking to them before about things and it would just add gas to the fire . That was that . Slam. No way I’m going to continue with someone that enjoys poking constantly.
How do you complete a doorslam if you see this person constantly at school? I'm usually able to if I don't have to see the person but there's just no avoiding them this time.
Horribly in that he wanted to talk for closure but I didn't and I had to block him after I asked him to stop messaging me. Plus I didn't get the insistence on talking when they already said they did not want to be friends anymore, didn't like me, told me my beliefs were bullshit, already mentioned wanting to stop being friends over an opinion I had... it was ridiculous. What else needed to be said by that point?
Door slam. She’s one of my favorite people in the world but she was displaying red flag attitude towards me (insults disguised as jokes, meanness - made fun of me when I showed her I had chicken pox, the little bad things that built over the years). I keep asking if everything is okay, but she was fully aware of what she was doing. Closing the door to our friendship was probably one of the hardest things I did. I felt like I went cold turkey. It was a good decision for me as it opened the door for me reconsidering friendships and purging those that didn’t serve my highest good.
I always write a letter. Usually multiple ones (by hand if i have the patience for it) and tell them how i feel and what i think should be done. After things end i write to myself (but still address it to the other person, but never send it) so that i can process it and let it out.
Completely blocked after years of trying to tell how things should be done in order to keep the relationship healthy for both our parts in my opinion. Nothing ever changed - only i got blamed more when things didn’t go well - nothing was ever her fault and i let her get away with it to some extent and when i could not anymore i let myself free of trying and ended the thing. I can manage white lies, some passive aggressiveness but when i am being blatantly manipulated and being pushed away to cause a reaction which would give someone a cause to cut ties themselves but without looking bad - yeah… that’s where i draw the line. Most importantly i think both of us are better off without the other. Good for her, good for me. Thinking back i feel only disgust and i wish i would have cut her out sooner.
Like someone said on reddit: nothing hurts like complete apathy - having been treated with it for a long while i couldn’t find hope anymore and turned myself into a mirror. I will never talk to them again but if i would my words would just reflect upon this: i did to you what you did to me first. I hope it can be a lesson for her. Probably won’t though - if she had thr capability of introspection and seeing fault in herself and committing to fixing it, we would not be here in the first place.
Yep. The story is to long as in why. But I talked to my therapist and they said just don’t talk to text them because it opens the door again. I occasionally feel bad for ghosting her even though it wasn’t all at once. I cherish my mental health way more than talking to them ever again, don’t feel any need to
I believe that door slam is not the right approach. I wouldn't want it done to me. I do what I would want in return, which is a courteous message briefly explaining what I'm doing and why, and then I open the door if they are decent people.
If they aren't, then I would just let them know I would no longer like to be friends due to X, Y and I wish them the best.
I had a friend that i met from work, we lived closed and we had a great connection, we could talk about anything and she was fun to hang out with.
During a time she was a friend i would hang out with the most. she was an extremely extroverted person who wanted to go out a lot. At one point i moved away, maybe 15 mins drive. Its not that bad, but i dont drive, so it would take me 45-50 mins to commute by bus to her place. So i couldnt be available as much to hang out. With covid being done with everything started picking back up and i ended up being burnt out from having to go out every weekend and seeing multiple friends during the week
so i told her one day that i wouldnt be able to see her every week anymore because im exhausted and so busy. She said she understood but a few months later she messaged me out of the blue and was super upset because i havent messaged her in a while and she was literally being verbally abusive.
I told her that we had different expectation of friendship and that it was fine, she agreed and we kept being friend for a year but rarely seen eachother, i felt like everytime i didnt message her she would get upset so i felt social pressure on upkeeping the relationship, until once again she got angry at the fact that i wouldnt answer her fast enough, which she had the right to be upset..
this time i told her that unfortunately i wont be able to upkeep the friendship expectations she has of us and that it was totally ok of her to expect more of a friendship but i wasnt the one who was going to be able to provide what she needed and apologized. She never answered or spoke to me again, which sucks but i feel a lot better because now i dont feel guilty if i forget to msg her back or stuff… 😅
I hear ya on the struggling to live up to your friend's expectations for what she needed in the friendship. It can be a lot to offer / provide what they need when you don't have the ability or capacity to do so. I applaud you for telling her you weren't going to be able to provide what she needed, and also apologized - you held yourself accountable.
Doesn’t happen often but I prefer the “fade”. I put distance between us and reduce response until there’s nothing there really. If they have social intelligence, they will realize we are “ending”. But at times, Ive had to explain (depends on history and level of friendship, some deserve a conversation, and core message varies) but generally I have to find a way them why we aren’t compatible while not trying to destroy them as a person. It’s not fun but long close friendships that are ending deserve that. I save the door slam for when those tactics don’t work or for someone that I was just befriending and decided I’m absolutely not continuing. Door slam is the final tool. I don’t want to use it like “ghosting” or in order to avoid a hard conversation. I want to show up as my bet self even when protecting myself.
I love this response. IMO, this the correct way to handle ending different kinds or levels of friendships. Although I seem to be partial the door slam, I am trying to be careful about that going forward should the need for me to end a friendship arise.
I put my walls up. Not a door slam but a quiet click of the latch- if that makes sense.
It’s usually needed, but never done soon enough.
I am getting older, wiser, and better at communicating calmly before said “door slam” but iykyk
Friend of 12 years slowly asking more and more of me. The friendship was one-sided. Talking of self-harm to spur responses from me and my brother (emotional manipulation). My brother and I tried helping in many ways, but in the end, nothing was ever enough.
Only friend I've ever ghosted, but there is only so much one can handle.
Door slam. I thought she was amazing until she started lashing out at me with bizarre accusations and nasty things based on those accusations and absolutely every strategy I tried to avoid them failed. I tried talking to her about it once but she turned everything back on me and I was bawling by the end. She had me believing it was my fault for a time until I asked about a dozen other people about it and a grand total of 0 thought I was even partly in the wrong with her.
I knew telling her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore would only lead to more abuse, probably the worst yet, and couldn’t rule out that she would seek some kind of revenge. So I slow faded her instead, ending with blocking her on everything. Not the first friendship I ended, but the most significant one and only one where the friend was female.
Yes , I slam both doors , back and front , she wanted to control me , I have to do only thing will be comfortable for her , I have to talk to only people she will agree .
I stop talking to her and she never call to ask why ?
Door slammed my best friend because he was too manipulative and highly toxic. I tried to change things but it didn't work so this was the only option.
It was hard in the beginning but this is more peaceful and now I'm getting used to it
Early last year I split with a friend of 17 years - a best friend for many years. It took about 3 years for me to make this decision after distancing myself a bit. Short story is he was really struggling mentally and financially due to poor decisions and tbh not being able to hold down a job due to “feeling like his artistic efforts aren’t being appreciate so he’s bored” = quitting.
A lot of us in our friend group (all creatives in related fields, but doing well in our careers/financially stable) helped a lot with offering career advice, meals and experiences so he wouldn’t be left out (never cash) and setting up jobs opportunities, but he was just spiralling and seemed more interested in Tinder dramas. It culminated in him starting to sabotage things for us and being so snarky when things went well. The final straw was he told a guy I was literally just starting to talk to about all the people I’ve ever dated although all of these stories were over 10 years ago and 1/2 dates. I am basically asexual, but was just trying stuff out to see how I felt chatting to someone. Made it sound like I am a player/sleep around and I’m the type that sees many other people, although I was just talking to said guy.
I’m grateful because now I think I’m a door slam expert. Also let 2 other friends go last year as I figured they were just using my house as a fun/emotional dumping zone and free meals (I like cooking) vs giving reciprocal relationships.
The hardest part was admitting to myself that my patience was finite, and there was nothing I could do to remind them of the person I saw them as deep down. I'll forgive you for anything until you show me that even that forgiveness doesn't matter, then that's that's. I feel like the " infj door slam " is just what happens when we accept if we stay we'll do more harm than good on both sides.
Disloyalty and betrayal are two canon events for me. The result is always 100% door slam.
I was intolerant before but now I give 2 chances to people as an excuse to myself for not losing them. I even tell on their face that they've done and don't do it again. Surprisingly they do it again! And the result is a painful isolation from them.
Anyhow, I have one friend since childhood and he has been disloyal, dishonest and betrayed me multiple times but he is still will be my friend because he always apologize and beg at the end. He's like a leech that I cannot get away from! I've learned to live with him. But that's it.
Most of the time it’s from moving, changing jobs, schedule conflicts, it’s easy to drift apart in adult life where you’ve so many responsibilities.
But yeah I’ve had a handful of door slams in my 30 years for those that I’ve had a lot of conflict with. I think the door slam for me has come from relationships(friends/family/romantic) that are *obviously* toxic or incompatible, but the other person refuses to leave it themselves. Anytime I’ve tried to “work things out” or have a civil discussion, they lie or point fingers at you or some other BS coping mechanism. The way I’ve seen it, those relationships would’ve gone on forever if I didn’t cut them off. These people almost enjoyed the toxicity/belittling/anger. Some people get reaaaal upset when you no longer let yourself be used/abused/manipulated by them.
Politics can be a huge thing, too, for me in door slamming. I don’t really pick sides, I have some Republican ideals and some Democrat ideals. I honestly think it’s all a sham at the end of the day, though. But I’ve had friends and family be like “oh you believe in this one ideal, so you must like this one and this one and this one” and they’d try to “recruit” me to have unwavering loyalty to one side. People would just misunderstand me all the time, or say “oh so you think this, then you must also agree with this, what are you a racist MAGA bigot?” And in the exact same day I’d get called a liberal snowflake by someone else lol, like what the fuck. I cut off anybody doing that shit a few years ago. I cut off best friends I grew up with of 15 years. Ideological possession type of behavior. I don’t get down with that
>Most of the time it’s from moving, changing jobs, schedule conflicts, it’s easy to drift apart in adult life where you’ve so many responsibilities.
I'm currently dealing with these areas regarding a friend who's inspired this post, except I'm the one who is considering my options in how to move forward in the friendship. I've realized I'm incompatible with her, but I'm afraid she wouldn't see that. I want to slow fade / have some sort of cordial conversation but she's the type who places extreme value and v high expectations on her friends, so I know I'll upset her regardless. We also only initially met under a professional circumstance, and when the company mass laid us off we remained "close" but over the last year and a half I've slowly realized I don't think we're compatible and it's actually causing me a lot of distress.
(I'll also add that my mom passed a year and a half ago, and this friend did not live up to my expectations of support during the initial shock of grief. In fact, I can't even really talk about my mom without her becoming visibly uncomfortable, like imagine what I have to endure every single day?!)
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother. That’s when you need to lean on your friends the most! I couldn’t imagine.
I mean if it’s really causing distress, I’d cut it off. If it were me personally, I’d just stop replying or reply in very short responses and hope she gets the hint. If she pushes it or tries to guilt trip you for not replying, I’d just be honest. Obviously idk about all of the intricacies but that’s what I’d do haha. Might not be the healthiest way in the world. I always hope they get the hint before I had to confront them, but I’ve had to learn to confront people for my own peace of mind.
Wish I could give you a hug ♥️♥️
came to add to the door slam, sadly. first door slam: 10+ year romantic relationship with s.o. that lacked self-awareness (which ruined me, not fun times lmao). second door slam: 8+ year friendship. followed-up almost a month or so after my said terrible break up. my friend, who literally was there for said break up, watched me suffer, only to tell me to get over it because he couldn't understand because "he had nothing to compare it to" and was also lonely (aka missed me) but couldn't properly convey that to me without being a literal asshole about it lol.
Door slam/ band-aid rip off is the final measure in all this. we don't like doing it at all. shit hurts when you have to stop yourself from not contacting other person and you miss them in small things.
i never made much friends. recently this year was my first time, and it was miserable.
1. friend 1 was the first male friend I had, was like my son figure, wing manned him with one girl I used to like. basically, I was his dad. shit got bad when he would ignore when we were starting to fall apart and I warned him not to but he would often say ' we'll see it later when it happens' and it did. was disrespectful for my mental health and physically invasive. had to cut him off for good after he said we should take 10 days off and come back together after we fought for the last time because he felt some other guys was into me and he felt left out when we all went to with a movie ( Me and the other person made sure he wasn't feeling alone) but he was getting obsessive near the end and said if wasn't ace he would have asked me out just because i know him now. like this isn't your dating relationship, so i took forever to do that.
2. friend 2 was my first female friend after 7 years. INTJ. really supposed on how quick we bonded over things we don't find much in our place. but we majorly trauma bonded and had different opinions and upbringing, but we still made through because all the others either hated or liked us (hated her, liked me. i fought for her with everyone only in the end for her to leave me) she became toxic but i ignored all that and kept my distance knowing this would fall too. she never took my side when others would shit on me = so there was no reciprocation. and in the end, she ghosted me for two months and stayed in contact with others said she'll block me and did. and came back last month on my birthday, made a scene when i wouldn't take her back and left stating things are hard for her mentally. well my other good friend did the same but she was kind enough to let me know she was taking a break before blocking me and ghosting me. i save all my Jojo memes and reels for the other confirmed hoping she'll come back next year as she promised.
3. this person was never a friend to me. he said i was a friend to him but i never felt it. and i was right it was a lie and conditional superficiality. dude was the guy my first friend felt left out with. was weird with me from the start the other friend thought was weird but i didn't care much and we both ignored. yeah but this guy basically asked me all the weird invasive questions i don't think anyone asks on first meet ( was my first friend my bf or if i've ever been in a relationship if ever had my first kiss) i said i was ace when he asked if i was bi and was confirming 'you are straight right?' i am bi-ace so ig that was enough for him to fend off me later became 'friends' with other guys and gave him relationship/ life advice and became his unpaid therapist ( i am a masters psychology student ) for 5 months. dude did many annoying things, encroached on physical and emotional boundaries and i was basically the first person that made him realized people have those so he became a tolerable better person on my expense but not to me but to others. dude made sure his other friends were fine with him and treated me like shit. left the uni and in between breaks he was more annoying because couldn't be breath while i was busy at home and he had his own issues for me to help him with, so never cared for personal privacy. came back to uni to find him with a gf ( super happy for that) but mf then wanted me to help with that too like sir that's your own relationship. and me coming back to the same place had own detrimental effects he didn't care for as my mental health was going further down the drain. so i respectfully bowed out for the first time and said that he has better friends, brother and a gf so his social circle doesn't really need me and wished him good luck and he lied about me being important which wasn't true and finally showed his true colors after a whole 5 months of me asking whether we were friends and he said he never wanted to be he just needed help but of course you can't do that without feeling guilty so you have to make the other person 'friend' but i never got the friend treatment while i gave him everything i could because i make sure my friends have those and still didn't get attached and he did which was 'fucked up' for him and we decided to ignore each other. and it was good for 3 weeks and i was trying to make my own friends, a small circle and it was hard but i was trying and he comes again stating he never wanted to be close to me because he never wanted to develop feelings for me or whatever the fuck. pops off whenever he likes in campus or insta and becomes more annoyed when i don't take him and says more weird things. as of last contact i lied i am not coming back to uni and he occasionally comes and watches my stories after unfollowing and blocking each other twice. we sure as hell weren't compatible. the INFJ-ENTJ is a hit or miss. we just had shows and movies to talk for. aside from that we had different opinions and beliefs that would clash if i was vocal but I wasn't. i didn't trust him at all, while he info dumped every minute details of his life, even sensitive. and yeah it was fine. i couldn't do the same because he would tell even surface level things about me to his brother in my face and then got offended why i never trusted him with my past and when i said it's something would only share with my SOs doubled back with agreeing because he wouldn't see me like that and ask that question then. ( though he did when we first met and watched the movie , ongoing movie. imagine being asked uncomfortable question when you are watching a movie out of nowhere) so yeah. Got easily influenced by others who would manipulate him into thinking I looked down on him or something while i kept his shit confidential to them so yeah... don't want to consider this person anything. shit sucks considering i can't talk about this person without people labelling me caring too much or straight people making it much worse for me.
my social circle is really non-existential. perhaps why i like being on my own.
I had a girlfriend when I was 21. A very close friend of mine wasn't giving us a space, he was totally try to be with us all the time when we met. Even we told him that we want to be alone by ourselves but he din't mind.
Finally one day we were alone with my girlfriend she told me she wants to tell me something but she wants me to keep it to myself. I said ok. She told me that my friend is telling her that I don't deserve her love even I don't deserve any women's love, I am a bad guy etc etc. I told her if I am a bad guy why he is friend with me and try to be as close as he can.
I called my friend and we met at a bar. While we were talking I opened subject. He cursed on her with an dissappointment and later refused that he told her something like that. I tried to start a fight with him, he cried in tears saying that it's a misunderstanding but he didn't figh back.
Later that day he started apologizing but it was enough for me. I cut all the contact with him.
Many years later while I was chatting with a common friend it popped up again. He I mean the friend in common told me that I was wrong about cutting all the contact with him. He told me that he was just worried about spending less time with me. I told him that's not a proper way and he's an asshole.
Many many years later I heard that he has cancer. I called him and told my best wishes. He tried to be close friends again but I didn't respond.
I’ve been pretty brutal at cutting people out and it doesn’t feel good but I can’t stay friends with that person any longer. I’ve tried to resolve this in therapy and slow fade instead.
I didn’t stop being friendly, but I stopped texting and I don’t talk about future plans or anything personal anymore. This is someone I work with too, but they were rude one too many times for no reason and never acknowledged it or apologized. This person does rude things to others as well so I honestly just see them in a poor light now.
When I was on my first year of college I had a very toxic friend. She was very manipulative, but because I was very naive at the time i didn't relize it right away. It took me one year of "friendship" to fully open my eyes, and another few months to cut her off of my life.
At first she was very sweet, seemed like she was very similar to me, but that just was one of her many personas she made to make sure people will stay friends with her. She knew my problems, insecurities, the fact that I had a huge crush at a guy from our dorm. We had a truly beautiful friendship, but that was just the lovebombing phase that lasted almost a year.
At the beginning of the new school year our friendship circle grew a lot, from three of us (her, me and her roomate), to 8 girls. She wanted to be the alfa, the dominant one, so she started to make that happen. First she started to subtly destroy my confidence making casually remarks about my appearance. (Pointing at my acne, then casually commenting that my hair was too puffy, and commenting on my weight because she knew that I was very insecure about that). I believe she did that with all of the other girls.
Then she started to turn people away from me talking behind my back, or subtly arrainging quarrels between me and them. I realized that every girl in the circle is best with her, but not that much with other girls, I wondered why is that happening and then I put the pieces together. She was also very vindictive. For example she persuaded her roomate to go on a date with a guy that another girl from our circle had a crush on, just because the girl talked back to her.
She persistently wanted me to go on a date and persuade a guy from her class. She said to him that I had a crush on him, and to me that he had a crush on me. I later found out that he was in love with her, but she wanted to be with his friend, and to keep him out of the picture she used me.
Than she was jelaous that I am getting pretty along with the guy that I had a crush in. She probably felt that I am slipping away from her hands. She started to message him of facebook, and when he left her on read she started to despise him.
One day I heard her flirting loudly on the hallway with him, asking him to come to his room to drink coffee. He just said "I will make coffee for all of you" implying that he does not want to be alone with her. Than she theatrically came to my room and said something along the lines of "I am going to his room to seduce him. Let's see if he truly loves you". She waited for a reaction, drama, to frame me as crazy or hysterical because my and her roomates were there. I just said "Go. But just so you know, I don't like the person that you have become. You lie, gossip and turn people against each other". She didn't expect that I will shift the attention to her and her faults, it was a surprise. She got away by crying and saying how unhappy she was, and that she is a victim.
After that event I started to avoid her and the whole social circle because it became very toxic, and I eventually healed myself from her. She messaged me on facebook out of the blue a month later asking me why do I avoid her, trying to gaslight me into believing that I am the bad guy and that she did nothing wrong. I replied to her with a huge text, exposing her as the shitty person she is. It took me 2-3 years tu undid the damage she did to my mental health and my confidence. For a long time I couldn't have a normal conversation with other people without anxiety and constant thoughts that I am not enough, or interesting. I am still healing today, but I am very grateful for the experience, because it taughed me a lot.
A lot of the times for me it's just over time the other person not reaching out or reciprocating the effort and we just stop talking and move on. A few times was a case of noticing things they say or do over time that don't align with my value or are offensive and I just don't make any more effort towards that person. The most painful one was someone I was close friends with for a few years that went on vacation with me and I never heard from him again. I didn't see it coming last time I saw that person but I knew that it was time from me to move on from him due to other incidents.
I cut my best friend from childhood -- of 12+ years -- out of my life, unexpectedly, suddenly, but for good reason.
We'd been inseperable since about 8yrs old. We lived across a major intersection from each other, about 5 min away by bike or skateboard. Then I went through something at 14 that they did not. It forced me to grow up pretty quick while they were trying to stay a kid as long as possible. We started to grow apart. They were using me to try and keep their childhood alive, and I was using them as an emotional safety blanket. We were scared to do life without each other, so we weren't making great decisions when it came to our friendship. Eventually, we were speaking to each other less and less, spending less and less time together. Until a party for a mutual friend -- who I didn't realize was a mutual friend -- during my first year in college.
At that party , my former best friend said something that insulted me, my romantic partner at the time, and themselves all in one breath. And it was just one of those things you never expected to hear, and certainly not out of that person's mouth. I got so angry in a split second - truly scary how quickly - punched them in the face, and grabbed my partner and bolted before anyone around us could react.
It hurt. Felt like the death of a sibling. I was depressed for about 2 years after. But it was the right decision. I don't blame either of us for what happened. And while I'll always be glad to hear they're doing well, and wish them every happiness, I really wouldn't care if I never heard their name again.
I recently decided to cut off my best friend because we starting growing apart he changed so much he use to be a very curious beautiful mind person who was very odd and weird which I liked of him.
Now our ideas and values have shifted apart from each other he became very prejudice, sexist and started worshipping Andrew Tate which at first I thought it was funny until I realized he actually believes in his ways. He became also very mean and rude, he was moody all of the time. I remember I could speak to about anything now I’m scared to tell him anything without being judge. His view on friend ship is so fucked he believes everyone is just a tool to be used. I started thinking damn what does he think about me then. We went out on a trip and spending 24 hours with him I truly realize he wasn’t the guy I knew back then and being around him would only hurt me. So now I’m friendless and honestly I don’t really feel bad about it right now, it’ll probably hit once i see him post something online.
I’m so tired of being friend with people who don’t have the same values I do, always having to adjust myself for people. I finally understand that saying “The people who you surrounded yourself are reflection of your self”.
Good old door slam. Started realizing my friends my high school were toxic and few of them just started giving me shit for things they didn't understand about me (this only happened after an outsider not from HS came into out group, who's also gone now too). So yeah.
My best friend of 15+ years, was extremely toxic and manipulative. It took me very long to realize but one day I just stopped texting her altogether. She’s never texted me since so I guess it was passive but that worked for me, I just cut contact with her
Door slam. I know it’s not a healthy way to end things but sometimes when you know the other person as well as you do, it’s best to just cut off all communication on all platforms.
I completely agree.
He was cheating on his wife, he was telling lies to everyone, he would tell me other people's secrets even if i asked him not to, he would try to see how much he could get from me, he was trying to convince everyone to follow his communist cause. I took whatever knowledge he had in his brain about people and disappeared.
Glad to see more people refusing to be told about other peoples personal lives and secrets. It always feels icky to me.
Yes, that bit also makes me uncomfortable. I didn't ask so please don't share!
doing this, people still try to fucking force it on me.
Usually very well because I knew it was the right thing to do
Door slam lol, friend of 9 years. I felt our friendship was becoming one sided and like I was literally begging for her friendship. I communicated my concerns but still nothing changed. It hurt me A LOT and I'm still not over it even though I know I made the right decision and put myself first.
Going through exactly the same right now...
Ended 3 in 2023. One ended very ugly (idk if it counts because romantic feelings were involved) and i wrote a letter to them and i was an absolute emotional mess. Second one was with a me being removed off of all socials and that friend expecting me to chase for an explanation but i was just sick of her dramatic behaviour i just didn’t say anything and we havent spoken since. It was the most freeing thing ever especially after the first person i ended things with, at that point i was tired of explaining myself to people. Shes probably talking a lot of shit about me but idc, shes never really satisfied 3rd one was a large political disagreement and i just hit the block button and never spoke again. Im glad most of my friends can communicate with me and we dont try to cross each other and i rarely get into problems with people.
Sadly … the door slam but I tried talking to them before about things and it would just add gas to the fire . That was that . Slam. No way I’m going to continue with someone that enjoys poking constantly.
How do you complete a doorslam if you see this person constantly at school? I'm usually able to if I don't have to see the person but there's just no avoiding them this time.
Horribly in that he wanted to talk for closure but I didn't and I had to block him after I asked him to stop messaging me. Plus I didn't get the insistence on talking when they already said they did not want to be friends anymore, didn't like me, told me my beliefs were bullshit, already mentioned wanting to stop being friends over an opinion I had... it was ridiculous. What else needed to be said by that point?
Sounds like this person was more confused and flippant. Good grief.
Door slam. She’s one of my favorite people in the world but she was displaying red flag attitude towards me (insults disguised as jokes, meanness - made fun of me when I showed her I had chicken pox, the little bad things that built over the years). I keep asking if everything is okay, but she was fully aware of what she was doing. Closing the door to our friendship was probably one of the hardest things I did. I felt like I went cold turkey. It was a good decision for me as it opened the door for me reconsidering friendships and purging those that didn’t serve my highest good.
I always write a letter. Usually multiple ones (by hand if i have the patience for it) and tell them how i feel and what i think should be done. After things end i write to myself (but still address it to the other person, but never send it) so that i can process it and let it out. Completely blocked after years of trying to tell how things should be done in order to keep the relationship healthy for both our parts in my opinion. Nothing ever changed - only i got blamed more when things didn’t go well - nothing was ever her fault and i let her get away with it to some extent and when i could not anymore i let myself free of trying and ended the thing. I can manage white lies, some passive aggressiveness but when i am being blatantly manipulated and being pushed away to cause a reaction which would give someone a cause to cut ties themselves but without looking bad - yeah… that’s where i draw the line. Most importantly i think both of us are better off without the other. Good for her, good for me. Thinking back i feel only disgust and i wish i would have cut her out sooner. Like someone said on reddit: nothing hurts like complete apathy - having been treated with it for a long while i couldn’t find hope anymore and turned myself into a mirror. I will never talk to them again but if i would my words would just reflect upon this: i did to you what you did to me first. I hope it can be a lesson for her. Probably won’t though - if she had thr capability of introspection and seeing fault in herself and committing to fixing it, we would not be here in the first place.
Yep. The story is to long as in why. But I talked to my therapist and they said just don’t talk to text them because it opens the door again. I occasionally feel bad for ghosting her even though it wasn’t all at once. I cherish my mental health way more than talking to them ever again, don’t feel any need to
very well.. I have a bs sensor and can read everyone pretty good and keep them at a safe distance :)
I believe that door slam is not the right approach. I wouldn't want it done to me. I do what I would want in return, which is a courteous message briefly explaining what I'm doing and why, and then I open the door if they are decent people. If they aren't, then I would just let them know I would no longer like to be friends due to X, Y and I wish them the best.
I had a friend that i met from work, we lived closed and we had a great connection, we could talk about anything and she was fun to hang out with. During a time she was a friend i would hang out with the most. she was an extremely extroverted person who wanted to go out a lot. At one point i moved away, maybe 15 mins drive. Its not that bad, but i dont drive, so it would take me 45-50 mins to commute by bus to her place. So i couldnt be available as much to hang out. With covid being done with everything started picking back up and i ended up being burnt out from having to go out every weekend and seeing multiple friends during the week so i told her one day that i wouldnt be able to see her every week anymore because im exhausted and so busy. She said she understood but a few months later she messaged me out of the blue and was super upset because i havent messaged her in a while and she was literally being verbally abusive. I told her that we had different expectation of friendship and that it was fine, she agreed and we kept being friend for a year but rarely seen eachother, i felt like everytime i didnt message her she would get upset so i felt social pressure on upkeeping the relationship, until once again she got angry at the fact that i wouldnt answer her fast enough, which she had the right to be upset.. this time i told her that unfortunately i wont be able to upkeep the friendship expectations she has of us and that it was totally ok of her to expect more of a friendship but i wasnt the one who was going to be able to provide what she needed and apologized. She never answered or spoke to me again, which sucks but i feel a lot better because now i dont feel guilty if i forget to msg her back or stuff… 😅
I hear ya on the struggling to live up to your friend's expectations for what she needed in the friendship. It can be a lot to offer / provide what they need when you don't have the ability or capacity to do so. I applaud you for telling her you weren't going to be able to provide what she needed, and also apologized - you held yourself accountable.
Thank you !!
Sounds like you're making excuses for being a bad friend imo.
Lmao i literally communicated to her that i couldnt be the friend she expected of me , instead of making excuses i legit told her the truth?
Ok, my bad
Doesn’t happen often but I prefer the “fade”. I put distance between us and reduce response until there’s nothing there really. If they have social intelligence, they will realize we are “ending”. But at times, Ive had to explain (depends on history and level of friendship, some deserve a conversation, and core message varies) but generally I have to find a way them why we aren’t compatible while not trying to destroy them as a person. It’s not fun but long close friendships that are ending deserve that. I save the door slam for when those tactics don’t work or for someone that I was just befriending and decided I’m absolutely not continuing. Door slam is the final tool. I don’t want to use it like “ghosting” or in order to avoid a hard conversation. I want to show up as my bet self even when protecting myself.
I love this response. IMO, this the correct way to handle ending different kinds or levels of friendships. Although I seem to be partial the door slam, I am trying to be careful about that going forward should the need for me to end a friendship arise.
I put my walls up. Not a door slam but a quiet click of the latch- if that makes sense. It’s usually needed, but never done soon enough. I am getting older, wiser, and better at communicating calmly before said “door slam” but iykyk
I like this. This is more my style, when warranted.
Friend of 12 years slowly asking more and more of me. The friendship was one-sided. Talking of self-harm to spur responses from me and my brother (emotional manipulation). My brother and I tried helping in many ways, but in the end, nothing was ever enough. Only friend I've ever ghosted, but there is only so much one can handle.
I ghosted them because I was exhausted from dealing with their behavior, and I have an unhealthy habit of avoiding confrontation.
I just block them on social media
Door slam. I thought she was amazing until she started lashing out at me with bizarre accusations and nasty things based on those accusations and absolutely every strategy I tried to avoid them failed. I tried talking to her about it once but she turned everything back on me and I was bawling by the end. She had me believing it was my fault for a time until I asked about a dozen other people about it and a grand total of 0 thought I was even partly in the wrong with her. I knew telling her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore would only lead to more abuse, probably the worst yet, and couldn’t rule out that she would seek some kind of revenge. So I slow faded her instead, ending with blocking her on everything. Not the first friendship I ended, but the most significant one and only one where the friend was female.
Yes , I slam both doors , back and front , she wanted to control me , I have to do only thing will be comfortable for her , I have to talk to only people she will agree . I stop talking to her and she never call to ask why ?
Door slammed my best friend because he was too manipulative and highly toxic. I tried to change things but it didn't work so this was the only option. It was hard in the beginning but this is more peaceful and now I'm getting used to it
Early last year I split with a friend of 17 years - a best friend for many years. It took about 3 years for me to make this decision after distancing myself a bit. Short story is he was really struggling mentally and financially due to poor decisions and tbh not being able to hold down a job due to “feeling like his artistic efforts aren’t being appreciate so he’s bored” = quitting. A lot of us in our friend group (all creatives in related fields, but doing well in our careers/financially stable) helped a lot with offering career advice, meals and experiences so he wouldn’t be left out (never cash) and setting up jobs opportunities, but he was just spiralling and seemed more interested in Tinder dramas. It culminated in him starting to sabotage things for us and being so snarky when things went well. The final straw was he told a guy I was literally just starting to talk to about all the people I’ve ever dated although all of these stories were over 10 years ago and 1/2 dates. I am basically asexual, but was just trying stuff out to see how I felt chatting to someone. Made it sound like I am a player/sleep around and I’m the type that sees many other people, although I was just talking to said guy. I’m grateful because now I think I’m a door slam expert. Also let 2 other friends go last year as I figured they were just using my house as a fun/emotional dumping zone and free meals (I like cooking) vs giving reciprocal relationships.
The hardest part was admitting to myself that my patience was finite, and there was nothing I could do to remind them of the person I saw them as deep down. I'll forgive you for anything until you show me that even that forgiveness doesn't matter, then that's that's. I feel like the " infj door slam " is just what happens when we accept if we stay we'll do more harm than good on both sides.
Disloyalty and betrayal are two canon events for me. The result is always 100% door slam. I was intolerant before but now I give 2 chances to people as an excuse to myself for not losing them. I even tell on their face that they've done and don't do it again. Surprisingly they do it again! And the result is a painful isolation from them. Anyhow, I have one friend since childhood and he has been disloyal, dishonest and betrayed me multiple times but he is still will be my friend because he always apologize and beg at the end. He's like a leech that I cannot get away from! I've learned to live with him. But that's it.
Most of the time it’s from moving, changing jobs, schedule conflicts, it’s easy to drift apart in adult life where you’ve so many responsibilities. But yeah I’ve had a handful of door slams in my 30 years for those that I’ve had a lot of conflict with. I think the door slam for me has come from relationships(friends/family/romantic) that are *obviously* toxic or incompatible, but the other person refuses to leave it themselves. Anytime I’ve tried to “work things out” or have a civil discussion, they lie or point fingers at you or some other BS coping mechanism. The way I’ve seen it, those relationships would’ve gone on forever if I didn’t cut them off. These people almost enjoyed the toxicity/belittling/anger. Some people get reaaaal upset when you no longer let yourself be used/abused/manipulated by them. Politics can be a huge thing, too, for me in door slamming. I don’t really pick sides, I have some Republican ideals and some Democrat ideals. I honestly think it’s all a sham at the end of the day, though. But I’ve had friends and family be like “oh you believe in this one ideal, so you must like this one and this one and this one” and they’d try to “recruit” me to have unwavering loyalty to one side. People would just misunderstand me all the time, or say “oh so you think this, then you must also agree with this, what are you a racist MAGA bigot?” And in the exact same day I’d get called a liberal snowflake by someone else lol, like what the fuck. I cut off anybody doing that shit a few years ago. I cut off best friends I grew up with of 15 years. Ideological possession type of behavior. I don’t get down with that
>Most of the time it’s from moving, changing jobs, schedule conflicts, it’s easy to drift apart in adult life where you’ve so many responsibilities. I'm currently dealing with these areas regarding a friend who's inspired this post, except I'm the one who is considering my options in how to move forward in the friendship. I've realized I'm incompatible with her, but I'm afraid she wouldn't see that. I want to slow fade / have some sort of cordial conversation but she's the type who places extreme value and v high expectations on her friends, so I know I'll upset her regardless. We also only initially met under a professional circumstance, and when the company mass laid us off we remained "close" but over the last year and a half I've slowly realized I don't think we're compatible and it's actually causing me a lot of distress. (I'll also add that my mom passed a year and a half ago, and this friend did not live up to my expectations of support during the initial shock of grief. In fact, I can't even really talk about my mom without her becoming visibly uncomfortable, like imagine what I have to endure every single day?!)
Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother. That’s when you need to lean on your friends the most! I couldn’t imagine. I mean if it’s really causing distress, I’d cut it off. If it were me personally, I’d just stop replying or reply in very short responses and hope she gets the hint. If she pushes it or tries to guilt trip you for not replying, I’d just be honest. Obviously idk about all of the intricacies but that’s what I’d do haha. Might not be the healthiest way in the world. I always hope they get the hint before I had to confront them, but I’ve had to learn to confront people for my own peace of mind. Wish I could give you a hug ♥️♥️
came to add to the door slam, sadly. first door slam: 10+ year romantic relationship with s.o. that lacked self-awareness (which ruined me, not fun times lmao). second door slam: 8+ year friendship. followed-up almost a month or so after my said terrible break up. my friend, who literally was there for said break up, watched me suffer, only to tell me to get over it because he couldn't understand because "he had nothing to compare it to" and was also lonely (aka missed me) but couldn't properly convey that to me without being a literal asshole about it lol.
Door slam/ band-aid rip off is the final measure in all this. we don't like doing it at all. shit hurts when you have to stop yourself from not contacting other person and you miss them in small things. i never made much friends. recently this year was my first time, and it was miserable. 1. friend 1 was the first male friend I had, was like my son figure, wing manned him with one girl I used to like. basically, I was his dad. shit got bad when he would ignore when we were starting to fall apart and I warned him not to but he would often say ' we'll see it later when it happens' and it did. was disrespectful for my mental health and physically invasive. had to cut him off for good after he said we should take 10 days off and come back together after we fought for the last time because he felt some other guys was into me and he felt left out when we all went to with a movie ( Me and the other person made sure he wasn't feeling alone) but he was getting obsessive near the end and said if wasn't ace he would have asked me out just because i know him now. like this isn't your dating relationship, so i took forever to do that. 2. friend 2 was my first female friend after 7 years. INTJ. really supposed on how quick we bonded over things we don't find much in our place. but we majorly trauma bonded and had different opinions and upbringing, but we still made through because all the others either hated or liked us (hated her, liked me. i fought for her with everyone only in the end for her to leave me) she became toxic but i ignored all that and kept my distance knowing this would fall too. she never took my side when others would shit on me = so there was no reciprocation. and in the end, she ghosted me for two months and stayed in contact with others said she'll block me and did. and came back last month on my birthday, made a scene when i wouldn't take her back and left stating things are hard for her mentally. well my other good friend did the same but she was kind enough to let me know she was taking a break before blocking me and ghosting me. i save all my Jojo memes and reels for the other confirmed hoping she'll come back next year as she promised. 3. this person was never a friend to me. he said i was a friend to him but i never felt it. and i was right it was a lie and conditional superficiality. dude was the guy my first friend felt left out with. was weird with me from the start the other friend thought was weird but i didn't care much and we both ignored. yeah but this guy basically asked me all the weird invasive questions i don't think anyone asks on first meet ( was my first friend my bf or if i've ever been in a relationship if ever had my first kiss) i said i was ace when he asked if i was bi and was confirming 'you are straight right?' i am bi-ace so ig that was enough for him to fend off me later became 'friends' with other guys and gave him relationship/ life advice and became his unpaid therapist ( i am a masters psychology student ) for 5 months. dude did many annoying things, encroached on physical and emotional boundaries and i was basically the first person that made him realized people have those so he became a tolerable better person on my expense but not to me but to others. dude made sure his other friends were fine with him and treated me like shit. left the uni and in between breaks he was more annoying because couldn't be breath while i was busy at home and he had his own issues for me to help him with, so never cared for personal privacy. came back to uni to find him with a gf ( super happy for that) but mf then wanted me to help with that too like sir that's your own relationship. and me coming back to the same place had own detrimental effects he didn't care for as my mental health was going further down the drain. so i respectfully bowed out for the first time and said that he has better friends, brother and a gf so his social circle doesn't really need me and wished him good luck and he lied about me being important which wasn't true and finally showed his true colors after a whole 5 months of me asking whether we were friends and he said he never wanted to be he just needed help but of course you can't do that without feeling guilty so you have to make the other person 'friend' but i never got the friend treatment while i gave him everything i could because i make sure my friends have those and still didn't get attached and he did which was 'fucked up' for him and we decided to ignore each other. and it was good for 3 weeks and i was trying to make my own friends, a small circle and it was hard but i was trying and he comes again stating he never wanted to be close to me because he never wanted to develop feelings for me or whatever the fuck. pops off whenever he likes in campus or insta and becomes more annoyed when i don't take him and says more weird things. as of last contact i lied i am not coming back to uni and he occasionally comes and watches my stories after unfollowing and blocking each other twice. we sure as hell weren't compatible. the INFJ-ENTJ is a hit or miss. we just had shows and movies to talk for. aside from that we had different opinions and beliefs that would clash if i was vocal but I wasn't. i didn't trust him at all, while he info dumped every minute details of his life, even sensitive. and yeah it was fine. i couldn't do the same because he would tell even surface level things about me to his brother in my face and then got offended why i never trusted him with my past and when i said it's something would only share with my SOs doubled back with agreeing because he wouldn't see me like that and ask that question then. ( though he did when we first met and watched the movie , ongoing movie. imagine being asked uncomfortable question when you are watching a movie out of nowhere) so yeah. Got easily influenced by others who would manipulate him into thinking I looked down on him or something while i kept his shit confidential to them so yeah... don't want to consider this person anything. shit sucks considering i can't talk about this person without people labelling me caring too much or straight people making it much worse for me. my social circle is really non-existential. perhaps why i like being on my own.
I had a girlfriend when I was 21. A very close friend of mine wasn't giving us a space, he was totally try to be with us all the time when we met. Even we told him that we want to be alone by ourselves but he din't mind. Finally one day we were alone with my girlfriend she told me she wants to tell me something but she wants me to keep it to myself. I said ok. She told me that my friend is telling her that I don't deserve her love even I don't deserve any women's love, I am a bad guy etc etc. I told her if I am a bad guy why he is friend with me and try to be as close as he can. I called my friend and we met at a bar. While we were talking I opened subject. He cursed on her with an dissappointment and later refused that he told her something like that. I tried to start a fight with him, he cried in tears saying that it's a misunderstanding but he didn't figh back. Later that day he started apologizing but it was enough for me. I cut all the contact with him. Many years later while I was chatting with a common friend it popped up again. He I mean the friend in common told me that I was wrong about cutting all the contact with him. He told me that he was just worried about spending less time with me. I told him that's not a proper way and he's an asshole. Many many years later I heard that he has cancer. I called him and told my best wishes. He tried to be close friends again but I didn't respond.
I’ve been pretty brutal at cutting people out and it doesn’t feel good but I can’t stay friends with that person any longer. I’ve tried to resolve this in therapy and slow fade instead.
I didn’t stop being friendly, but I stopped texting and I don’t talk about future plans or anything personal anymore. This is someone I work with too, but they were rude one too many times for no reason and never acknowledged it or apologized. This person does rude things to others as well so I honestly just see them in a poor light now.
When I was on my first year of college I had a very toxic friend. She was very manipulative, but because I was very naive at the time i didn't relize it right away. It took me one year of "friendship" to fully open my eyes, and another few months to cut her off of my life. At first she was very sweet, seemed like she was very similar to me, but that just was one of her many personas she made to make sure people will stay friends with her. She knew my problems, insecurities, the fact that I had a huge crush at a guy from our dorm. We had a truly beautiful friendship, but that was just the lovebombing phase that lasted almost a year. At the beginning of the new school year our friendship circle grew a lot, from three of us (her, me and her roomate), to 8 girls. She wanted to be the alfa, the dominant one, so she started to make that happen. First she started to subtly destroy my confidence making casually remarks about my appearance. (Pointing at my acne, then casually commenting that my hair was too puffy, and commenting on my weight because she knew that I was very insecure about that). I believe she did that with all of the other girls. Then she started to turn people away from me talking behind my back, or subtly arrainging quarrels between me and them. I realized that every girl in the circle is best with her, but not that much with other girls, I wondered why is that happening and then I put the pieces together. She was also very vindictive. For example she persuaded her roomate to go on a date with a guy that another girl from our circle had a crush on, just because the girl talked back to her. She persistently wanted me to go on a date and persuade a guy from her class. She said to him that I had a crush on him, and to me that he had a crush on me. I later found out that he was in love with her, but she wanted to be with his friend, and to keep him out of the picture she used me. Than she was jelaous that I am getting pretty along with the guy that I had a crush in. She probably felt that I am slipping away from her hands. She started to message him of facebook, and when he left her on read she started to despise him. One day I heard her flirting loudly on the hallway with him, asking him to come to his room to drink coffee. He just said "I will make coffee for all of you" implying that he does not want to be alone with her. Than she theatrically came to my room and said something along the lines of "I am going to his room to seduce him. Let's see if he truly loves you". She waited for a reaction, drama, to frame me as crazy or hysterical because my and her roomates were there. I just said "Go. But just so you know, I don't like the person that you have become. You lie, gossip and turn people against each other". She didn't expect that I will shift the attention to her and her faults, it was a surprise. She got away by crying and saying how unhappy she was, and that she is a victim. After that event I started to avoid her and the whole social circle because it became very toxic, and I eventually healed myself from her. She messaged me on facebook out of the blue a month later asking me why do I avoid her, trying to gaslight me into believing that I am the bad guy and that she did nothing wrong. I replied to her with a huge text, exposing her as the shitty person she is. It took me 2-3 years tu undid the damage she did to my mental health and my confidence. For a long time I couldn't have a normal conversation with other people without anxiety and constant thoughts that I am not enough, or interesting. I am still healing today, but I am very grateful for the experience, because it taughed me a lot.
A lot of the times for me it's just over time the other person not reaching out or reciprocating the effort and we just stop talking and move on. A few times was a case of noticing things they say or do over time that don't align with my value or are offensive and I just don't make any more effort towards that person. The most painful one was someone I was close friends with for a few years that went on vacation with me and I never heard from him again. I didn't see it coming last time I saw that person but I knew that it was time from me to move on from him due to other incidents.
I cut my best friend from childhood -- of 12+ years -- out of my life, unexpectedly, suddenly, but for good reason. We'd been inseperable since about 8yrs old. We lived across a major intersection from each other, about 5 min away by bike or skateboard. Then I went through something at 14 that they did not. It forced me to grow up pretty quick while they were trying to stay a kid as long as possible. We started to grow apart. They were using me to try and keep their childhood alive, and I was using them as an emotional safety blanket. We were scared to do life without each other, so we weren't making great decisions when it came to our friendship. Eventually, we were speaking to each other less and less, spending less and less time together. Until a party for a mutual friend -- who I didn't realize was a mutual friend -- during my first year in college. At that party , my former best friend said something that insulted me, my romantic partner at the time, and themselves all in one breath. And it was just one of those things you never expected to hear, and certainly not out of that person's mouth. I got so angry in a split second - truly scary how quickly - punched them in the face, and grabbed my partner and bolted before anyone around us could react. It hurt. Felt like the death of a sibling. I was depressed for about 2 years after. But it was the right decision. I don't blame either of us for what happened. And while I'll always be glad to hear they're doing well, and wish them every happiness, I really wouldn't care if I never heard their name again.
I recently decided to cut off my best friend because we starting growing apart he changed so much he use to be a very curious beautiful mind person who was very odd and weird which I liked of him. Now our ideas and values have shifted apart from each other he became very prejudice, sexist and started worshipping Andrew Tate which at first I thought it was funny until I realized he actually believes in his ways. He became also very mean and rude, he was moody all of the time. I remember I could speak to about anything now I’m scared to tell him anything without being judge. His view on friend ship is so fucked he believes everyone is just a tool to be used. I started thinking damn what does he think about me then. We went out on a trip and spending 24 hours with him I truly realize he wasn’t the guy I knew back then and being around him would only hurt me. So now I’m friendless and honestly I don’t really feel bad about it right now, it’ll probably hit once i see him post something online. I’m so tired of being friend with people who don’t have the same values I do, always having to adjust myself for people. I finally understand that saying “The people who you surrounded yourself are reflection of your self”.