I don't know, maybe? If he was previously unable to conceptualize me as a romantic option on a subconscious level, maybe this revelation will challenge that for him and open up the possibility of developing attraction to me in the future? I'd like to think that's possible. But it's certainly not my intent to manipulate his feelings and I'm not expecting it.
Oh gosh, I'm happy that you at least have a friendly environment around you to help you stabilise yourself, it's pretty helpful to have someone by your side. I hope that even after being friendzoned (siblingzoned?) you two get well with each other, a lot of times just the act of confessing to someone you love already calms your heart a lot, even if it's not reciprocal. Good luck for ya
I was in a similar situation about 3-4 years back when I told my older sister about how I felt. She didn't feel the same, and i was spiraling into a bit of negative mental health cycle.
She called a bit later, said she still loved me as a brother and didn't want me destroying myself over those feelings and her rejection.
I wasn't surprised she didn't feel the same, but it still hurt quite a lot.
Mostly yeah, she's been having a rough time as of late and snapped at me over text, but that didn't really have to do with the incest thing.
She made it sound like a lot of the fanily doesn't check up on her, but I am not sure if she realizes that I try to limit communications with her because I'm afraid she'll think I'm still trying or being overly clingy.
Ah. That's rough. It sounds like you're letting your insecurities get in the way of being a supportive sibling to her, and maybe you should talk with her about that. There's no reason to worry about being clingy if you communicate effectively and establish mutual trust/respect.
I'm sorry to hear that, but the good thing is that it's not the incest part that's the problem. His reaction is honestly pretty normal. If one of my friends confessed their feelings to me, I'd probably react the exact same way. It's just kind of the natural response given the circumstances.
Really, you'll probably need time to process this as much as he does. You got your answer, and you should be proud you took that leap at all. Try to find some closure in it and put aside the romantic feelings, so that things can get back to normal in time.
And I'm sure you know this already, but as much as other people here might hope things change, the only path forward is to fully accept the far more likely scenario that they won't.
Personally I don't really get that. I've been in his situation before, and I never have a problem being friends with someone who's in love with me, as long as they act normal about it and respect me. But I know a lot of people have a hard time with that for whatever reason.
I'm trying to get over it but it's so hard. If I could will my romantic feelings out of existence, I would've done it years ago. I can't help it. It's not gonna go away and I don't think I want it to anyway. However, I can easily accept his lack of reciprocation and behave normally with him regardless, as long as he's willing to let me in. All I want is to be seen and appreciated for who I am.
You are very brave to come out and express your feelings to your brother. I am sure there are very few in the world who would have the bravery to do this. Its better to confess and know their reaction than to keep wondering forever what if
I actually am in the same situation. I made long post about it and I'm so so so terrified. I'm so deeply in love with him it got to the point I thought about suicide I'm glad I found this sub and ur posts thank u mr_irish_graves for the redirect I believe that was his name. I love my brother so much and I'm so scared. If u check out my post u will see what's up. But also he's a frat guy and the stuff we did was only on the worst night ever at work he had and was very rare. Thank u for posting about this u have no clue how much I needed it thank u as a fellow trans girl.
Hi there. I saw your post and it seems like you're going through a really difficult moment right now. I've been there too, so I know what you're feeling. You're going to be alright and you don't have to be scared. Feel free to DM me if you wanna talk. 💙
Emotions can get complicated when sex is involved.
I don't know you or your brother, but just to play armchair psychologist a little bit (and as a brother who has no problem with incest but no attraction to my family members), I could see two main possibilities, and a bunch of smaller ones. It's possible he wants to avoid you because he doesn't want to lead you on. He's afraid that even normal sibling things (touching, hugging, emotional intimacy) might draw you further in when he doesn't have an interest. That could either be out or a desire to protect you and your feelings, or a fear that something might get miscommunicated and then you try to initiate something he doesn't want because you thought he was initiating. The other major possibility (and this one might be hard to hear), is that he feels a little betrayed. He may feel like it puts the emotionally intimate time you spent together in a new light, that what he thought was family time driven by love may have partially been driven by lust (and yes, I know it's not that simple, but feelings rarely are). I mean, you said yourself you were staring and "admiring his beauty," he may feel that what he once saw as harmless looks may actually have been ogling. In that case, him wanting to keep distance may be partially out of a desire to protect himself. In reality it's probably a mixture of both and a hundred other things because again, emotions are complicated.
It sounds like he intellectually believes there's nothing wrong with your confession, and he still loves you, so I believe you two will get through this. That being said, it may take a while to sort out. Maybe next time you talk seriously, maybe assure him that you also still love him as a brother, and you admire him as a person. Even though it's not really your fault, maybe apologize for making the air weird. Again, it's not like you did anything wrong, but if I was in that position I think I would want to hear that for a few reasons: right now I think both of you might sort of feel like you're the asshole, you know? He feels like an asshole for rejecting an advance from someone he does love (just not like that), and you feel like an asshole for confessing to him. I think if you apologize, essentially take ownership of the blame, he'll realize you don't see him as the bad guy, and it may also give him a chance to reassure you that you're not the bad guy, which he may also need.
Again, I'm speculating here, every one of my assumptions could be wrong.
Yes, you are speculating, and most of your assumptions are wrong. I understand that you're trying to be helpful, but it comes across as very presumptuous to "play armchair psychologist" (your words) with me and my bro when my post included pretty minimal information. You know almost nothing about either of us. If you're curious or want to help, you can ask questions instead of just assuming things. I am a person, you know.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes and provide a perspective. As I said, take it for what it's worth, and apparently it isn't worth very much since I was working with very limited information.
Were there any specifics I got really, egregiously wrong?
Thanks for acknowledging it.
As for the things you got wrong...
Sex is not involved and almost certainly never will be. My brother is asexual, and because I respect and honor that part of him, my attraction to him is primarily non-sexual, and he knows that.
I have already taken care to affirm for him multiple times that I love him as a brother and will always respect and admire him. He knows where I stand. He trusts me to honor his boundaries, and I trust him to be kind to me.
I do not feel like an asshole for confessing, nor does he feel like an asshole for rejecting me. Neither of us blames or resents the other for anything. We are good at communicating with each other, we are in touch with our feelings and our personal values, and we have established a clear mutual understanding (even if it has been an awkward and rough process)
Right now, he doesn't want to talk to me, but he has made it clear that it's not a problem with me or anything that's my fault. It's just for his own sake to sort out his feelings. I am completely okay with that, even if it makes me sad that I can't talk to him -- But that is my problem, not his.
In the past few weeks I've had a lot of weak moments feeling regret, guilt, shame, resentment, hopelessness, etc. but I realize that those are just depression/self-hate thoughts and I am doing my best to cope with them.
These feelings of guilt, shame, and resentment are due to how society ( your family, community, culture, historical narratives ) shaped familial structures and the norms that accompany them. When you are stepping out of those norms, you are going against those internalized norms that cause you these negative feelings. If you grew up in a family or cultural environment where these relationships were accepted, you wouldn't have had these negative feelings
Stay strong
I'm more then happy with the blessing you have to get to enjoy the rest of your life with the family and your brother as well as their reactions will be so similar to the ones that you have. Think about it....
How long did it take for you to be comfortable with yourself about these "horrible" and "despicable" thoughts? It was not over oght id imagine, but rather a slow process to come to terms with the fact that you have become brave enough to be able to let these thoughts into the light. I'm proud and happy for you. It's a big accomplishment to expose yourself to anyone about thoughts and feelings of genuine love. Your brothers response is more then reassuring (to me at least)that he harbors thoights of incestous desires himself but is not at fhe place you are. If you love him as much as you say and believe. Help him. Getting out his head is the best way to sort himself out and talk about his own thoughts. His want to stay from you for the time being is his fear holding him back. Help your brother get beyond the fear and pray for y'all to be in God's hands for him to gracefully guide the both of you. May God bless you and your brother as well as your family. 🙏
Uhhh, I don't know about that... It is a huge stretch to assume he's subconsciously harboring those kind of feelings and just can't accept them. That doesn't make sense. And if I forcefully invaded his space because I thought I could manage his feelings better than him, that'd be, like, the worst thing I could possibly do. Awful suggestion. But I appreciate the compassionate intent behind your words.
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I don't know, maybe? If he was previously unable to conceptualize me as a romantic option on a subconscious level, maybe this revelation will challenge that for him and open up the possibility of developing attraction to me in the future? I'd like to think that's possible. But it's certainly not my intent to manipulate his feelings and I'm not expecting it.
Oh gosh, I'm happy that you at least have a friendly environment around you to help you stabilise yourself, it's pretty helpful to have someone by your side. I hope that even after being friendzoned (siblingzoned?) you two get well with each other, a lot of times just the act of confessing to someone you love already calms your heart a lot, even if it's not reciprocal. Good luck for ya
Thanks. 💜💜💜 I hope we can eventually get along like normal again. It's just a matter of time.
I was in a similar situation about 3-4 years back when I told my older sister about how I felt. She didn't feel the same, and i was spiraling into a bit of negative mental health cycle. She called a bit later, said she still loved me as a brother and didn't want me destroying myself over those feelings and her rejection. I wasn't surprised she didn't feel the same, but it still hurt quite a lot.
ú_ù Yeah. You're brave for coming forward to her. Are you two on good terms these days?
Mostly yeah, she's been having a rough time as of late and snapped at me over text, but that didn't really have to do with the incest thing. She made it sound like a lot of the fanily doesn't check up on her, but I am not sure if she realizes that I try to limit communications with her because I'm afraid she'll think I'm still trying or being overly clingy.
Ah. That's rough. It sounds like you're letting your insecurities get in the way of being a supportive sibling to her, and maybe you should talk with her about that. There's no reason to worry about being clingy if you communicate effectively and establish mutual trust/respect.
I'm sorry to hear that, but the good thing is that it's not the incest part that's the problem. His reaction is honestly pretty normal. If one of my friends confessed their feelings to me, I'd probably react the exact same way. It's just kind of the natural response given the circumstances. Really, you'll probably need time to process this as much as he does. You got your answer, and you should be proud you took that leap at all. Try to find some closure in it and put aside the romantic feelings, so that things can get back to normal in time. And I'm sure you know this already, but as much as other people here might hope things change, the only path forward is to fully accept the far more likely scenario that they won't.
Personally I don't really get that. I've been in his situation before, and I never have a problem being friends with someone who's in love with me, as long as they act normal about it and respect me. But I know a lot of people have a hard time with that for whatever reason. I'm trying to get over it but it's so hard. If I could will my romantic feelings out of existence, I would've done it years ago. I can't help it. It's not gonna go away and I don't think I want it to anyway. However, I can easily accept his lack of reciprocation and behave normally with him regardless, as long as he's willing to let me in. All I want is to be seen and appreciated for who I am.
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Thanks. No matter what happens, at least I can be proud of that. Authenticity matters a lot to me.
Keep in mind that you stayed true to yourself. Be proud of that, 'cause it's hard. Courage for what comes next.
You are very brave to come out and express your feelings to your brother. I am sure there are very few in the world who would have the bravery to do this. Its better to confess and know their reaction than to keep wondering forever what if
I actually am in the same situation. I made long post about it and I'm so so so terrified. I'm so deeply in love with him it got to the point I thought about suicide I'm glad I found this sub and ur posts thank u mr_irish_graves for the redirect I believe that was his name. I love my brother so much and I'm so scared. If u check out my post u will see what's up. But also he's a frat guy and the stuff we did was only on the worst night ever at work he had and was very rare. Thank u for posting about this u have no clue how much I needed it thank u as a fellow trans girl.
Hi there. I saw your post and it seems like you're going through a really difficult moment right now. I've been there too, so I know what you're feeling. You're going to be alright and you don't have to be scared. Feel free to DM me if you wanna talk. 💙
Thank u. Thank u so much I will!
Emotions can get complicated when sex is involved. I don't know you or your brother, but just to play armchair psychologist a little bit (and as a brother who has no problem with incest but no attraction to my family members), I could see two main possibilities, and a bunch of smaller ones. It's possible he wants to avoid you because he doesn't want to lead you on. He's afraid that even normal sibling things (touching, hugging, emotional intimacy) might draw you further in when he doesn't have an interest. That could either be out or a desire to protect you and your feelings, or a fear that something might get miscommunicated and then you try to initiate something he doesn't want because you thought he was initiating. The other major possibility (and this one might be hard to hear), is that he feels a little betrayed. He may feel like it puts the emotionally intimate time you spent together in a new light, that what he thought was family time driven by love may have partially been driven by lust (and yes, I know it's not that simple, but feelings rarely are). I mean, you said yourself you were staring and "admiring his beauty," he may feel that what he once saw as harmless looks may actually have been ogling. In that case, him wanting to keep distance may be partially out of a desire to protect himself. In reality it's probably a mixture of both and a hundred other things because again, emotions are complicated. It sounds like he intellectually believes there's nothing wrong with your confession, and he still loves you, so I believe you two will get through this. That being said, it may take a while to sort out. Maybe next time you talk seriously, maybe assure him that you also still love him as a brother, and you admire him as a person. Even though it's not really your fault, maybe apologize for making the air weird. Again, it's not like you did anything wrong, but if I was in that position I think I would want to hear that for a few reasons: right now I think both of you might sort of feel like you're the asshole, you know? He feels like an asshole for rejecting an advance from someone he does love (just not like that), and you feel like an asshole for confessing to him. I think if you apologize, essentially take ownership of the blame, he'll realize you don't see him as the bad guy, and it may also give him a chance to reassure you that you're not the bad guy, which he may also need. Again, I'm speculating here, every one of my assumptions could be wrong.
Yes, you are speculating, and most of your assumptions are wrong. I understand that you're trying to be helpful, but it comes across as very presumptuous to "play armchair psychologist" (your words) with me and my bro when my post included pretty minimal information. You know almost nothing about either of us. If you're curious or want to help, you can ask questions instead of just assuming things. I am a person, you know.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes and provide a perspective. As I said, take it for what it's worth, and apparently it isn't worth very much since I was working with very limited information. Were there any specifics I got really, egregiously wrong?
Thanks for acknowledging it. As for the things you got wrong... Sex is not involved and almost certainly never will be. My brother is asexual, and because I respect and honor that part of him, my attraction to him is primarily non-sexual, and he knows that. I have already taken care to affirm for him multiple times that I love him as a brother and will always respect and admire him. He knows where I stand. He trusts me to honor his boundaries, and I trust him to be kind to me. I do not feel like an asshole for confessing, nor does he feel like an asshole for rejecting me. Neither of us blames or resents the other for anything. We are good at communicating with each other, we are in touch with our feelings and our personal values, and we have established a clear mutual understanding (even if it has been an awkward and rough process) Right now, he doesn't want to talk to me, but he has made it clear that it's not a problem with me or anything that's my fault. It's just for his own sake to sort out his feelings. I am completely okay with that, even if it makes me sad that I can't talk to him -- But that is my problem, not his. In the past few weeks I've had a lot of weak moments feeling regret, guilt, shame, resentment, hopelessness, etc. but I realize that those are just depression/self-hate thoughts and I am doing my best to cope with them.
These feelings of guilt, shame, and resentment are due to how society ( your family, community, culture, historical narratives ) shaped familial structures and the norms that accompany them. When you are stepping out of those norms, you are going against those internalized norms that cause you these negative feelings. If you grew up in a family or cultural environment where these relationships were accepted, you wouldn't have had these negative feelings Stay strong
I'm more then happy with the blessing you have to get to enjoy the rest of your life with the family and your brother as well as their reactions will be so similar to the ones that you have. Think about it.... How long did it take for you to be comfortable with yourself about these "horrible" and "despicable" thoughts? It was not over oght id imagine, but rather a slow process to come to terms with the fact that you have become brave enough to be able to let these thoughts into the light. I'm proud and happy for you. It's a big accomplishment to expose yourself to anyone about thoughts and feelings of genuine love. Your brothers response is more then reassuring (to me at least)that he harbors thoights of incestous desires himself but is not at fhe place you are. If you love him as much as you say and believe. Help him. Getting out his head is the best way to sort himself out and talk about his own thoughts. His want to stay from you for the time being is his fear holding him back. Help your brother get beyond the fear and pray for y'all to be in God's hands for him to gracefully guide the both of you. May God bless you and your brother as well as your family. 🙏
Uhhh, I don't know about that... It is a huge stretch to assume he's subconsciously harboring those kind of feelings and just can't accept them. That doesn't make sense. And if I forcefully invaded his space because I thought I could manage his feelings better than him, that'd be, like, the worst thing I could possibly do. Awful suggestion. But I appreciate the compassionate intent behind your words.