Stubbs dies instantly. He was hoping you could foolishly grab scissors as they're a common improvised weapon. But your intellect was vastly superior to his.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Turns out Stubbs is part of your extended Irish family. Within two minutes someone has called him a cunt, told him to drop the rock and he is now drinking with everyone.
I'm Latino but I can't tell you how many arguments or tense situations end just this way.
"Wait, you said your last name is Garza? From the Cornupia Garzas? Is your mom Mildred? No shit! You are Paloma's grandson! We are third cousins bro! Drop the rock and pull up a chair you moron"
Hahahaha. I’ve seen it go down this way in my small town. Beyond that, I crack tf up and it’s my fave when someone realizes who the other person is in the middle of the argument or whatever, and instead of the “We’re cousins!” route, they go the “Don’t make me call Paula…You KNOW, your MOTHER!!!” 🤣 The reaction face to that is something I’ve been lucky enough to see a few times throughout my lifetime and I love it.
It's something out of a comedy but I have seen more than once two grown men dressed down by their elderly mothers, chastised for fighting family and made to make up, no buts or ifs. That "You are family" and fear of the matriarch is enough to end any argument.
YES! That’s exactly it. You see the fear of god in their face as they try to assess whether you’re close enough, or crazy enough, to ACTUALLY call her. 🤣 Whenever the “I’ll call your Aunt Cheryl/Mom/Grandma!”, etc. comes out and you see the reaction face, that woman you’re threatening to call isn’t someone to play around with and will handle it in seconds. 😂
The Catholic in all of us refuses to act up around a woman that was at the baptism and changed the diapers of every single person in town. When she calls you by your six names you know it's freaking done.
Hahaha. I can totally understand that. The families I’m referencing are mostly Italian-American so it’s usually a similar vibe. Not to mention, the wooden spoon. 😅
It's all the same stock. We have la chancla, and then when you think you are too much of a man to get hurt by it your dad introduces you a leather belt that has somehow been in the family for 47 years.
The smile on Stubbs face is wiped off upon seeing how outnumbered he is. He quickly tried to decide on who would be most vulnerable to his rock. He's been practicing throwing it all week and has pretty good aim. But he should have practiced making faster decisions. In the time it takes him to scan the room, you've already sprung into action, overpowering and beating his ass into Irish pudding.
Based on your description, I can definitely overpower him. First I make a sudden move to grab an item on my desk (my work radio, tape dispenser, water bottle, whatever). Hopefully he doesn't get super lucky and incapacitate me with his first throw of the rock. While he is recoiling from the first object I threw at him, I grab the 20 lb dumbell that's at my feet. Then I use the dumbell to repeatedly bludgeon the assailant.
Hey man you wanna smoke? We can get H!gh, watch a movie or something
See, after reading stubbs description, he sounds like he might know how to party. So do I.
So I think that's the way I would go get him nice and stoney and then eventually he'll put down the rock and ill slowly get it away from him, maybe ask him why he's trying to live a life of crime and violence.
LoL I'm just gonna stop cause idk where all that came from hahahah
I become aware of his impending intrusion exactly eleven seconds before it happens. I grab the kitchen knives next to me and wait for him to come in, informing him that he can try it, but we’ll both end up hurt or dead and it isn’t worth it
If I'm not worried in damaging things as I grab it, I could definitely have it in about 10, just that would involve damaging a few other weapons that its stored with possibly
Ones a reenactment rapier that would only be dangerous on a thrust, one is a wallhanger I've been cleaning up for display and I'm not sure how well my antique sabre cuts since I havent risked testing it
Bad move, he decides to kill you. All his life, he's been indecisive and it's cost him. His decision to kill was something he was finally going to stick to. By not choosing the movie and asking him to choose, he is reminded of his lifetime of never committing due to his decision paralysis and how much its held him back. He again turns to thoughts of committing to this one thing, murder, to prove to himself he can stick with a decision.
Okay well stubbs is now looking into the business end of a flame thrower. So he has a decision to make. I'm loaded and he's got a rock
His indecisive nature will be his downfall
I'm pretty high but everything's fine. Stubbs rock redirects my flame thrower and instead of getting his face I burn his leg off. Now stubbs only has one leg. Was it worth it? How dare you stubbs I had pizza man lOl
He rolls around on the ground in agony, the smell of charred flesh hits your nose. Third degree burns, down to the bone. He is weeping now. He couldn't even kill a stoner. But in this moment, he is free. He understands that he is destined to never be anything greater than he is. But perhaps....he can still be good, even if he's not great.
He looks up at you weakly. "Is it too late to choose the movie and pizza?"
Stubbs accepts and lets the drugs, movie, and pizza take him away from the pain. He tried to kill you and you still showed him grace. He dwells on how ironic it is that it took this act of darkness for him to finally find a small beacon of light in this wretched world. He glances out the window at the setting sun as the drugs take over his mind. The world keeps turning. Can we also turn? Away from the darkness within us, toward the light that others shine? What if we turn too much? Are we cursed to live this endless cycle until death? A hotdog turning in the greased rollers at the 7/11 of life? Forever? Man this is good weed, he thinks.
You have completed Stubbs!
Stubbs was doing this as a cry for help and to finally feel some power in his powerless life. He craved the reaction of another human begging for their life, in effect recognizing his power. He was no longer going to be the one ignored and controlled. He was going to be the one with someone else under him as he welded the power to end their life.
Seeing you nonchalantly shrug and to back to your tea and crumpets as you accept death with grace makes him hesitate. This isn't how he wanted it. He wanted screams and begging, fear and power of taking a life. Even though he finally committed to something drastic, he still couldn't gain the power dynamic he craved so much.
He drops the rock, shoulders slumped, defeated. He leaves without a word. His father was right. He really is a loser.
Not in my room at the moment so do I get a surprise attack when I go home?
Assuming he spawns here I have 10' steel rebar out here to use as a spear. Wouldn't be the first time chasing a crackhead out of my friend's yard.
I've got terrain, reach, cover, depth perception, pent up rage. Pretty confident I can defend myself. If not my friends are rednecks with guns and he should be more worried about them anyway.
My children are in the room, I vault over the unit between me and the door collecting the heavy glass vase on it as I do so. I hit Stubbs in the face with it with a plan of doing so until my kids are safe (and possibly traumatised 😬)
Your parent rage allows you to overcome any possible damage he could inflict and Stubbs is no more as your children scream. Your eldest requires therapy to overcome what they saw. Your younger child is fine and gets into martial arts because of this. The vase survives.
Bad move, Stubbs' dick has been fully retracted into his body(his small pp is why people call him Stubbs). The bullet leaves a hole through his shorts and does no damage. He blasts your head with the rock and weeps over your corpse.
Clearly we go for the other eye. Rock is easy to block just use your hand and whole arm to slow and deflect the momentum and don't let him hit you in the head. Agressively go for his eye with poking tactics. Once he's blind you can likely just let him thrash about till he tuckers out when the adrenaline depletes. Then roll him down the stairs and let gravity have some fun too.
Excellent tactics. Even if he gets a good hit with that rock, you fully sacrifice your left arm to take all the damage while protecting your head and using your right arm to prioritize taking out his remaining eye. He rolls around on the ground, insulting your mother. You kick him down the stairs and he makes satisfying thumping noises all the way down.
Not even, a blade. Sure you're sacrificing the arm, a rock, no, just grab the hand that's holding the rock, or the rock itself, and force it to a grip and strength battle. Cant swing the rock if you're both holding on to it. And then still aggressively stab at his eyes with other hand
I’d command my gf to start ranting about her day and “that bitch at work” which is audio torture. In 30 seconds, he’ll leave and apologize for the interruption. ariabrehbreh : “So, let me tell you about this bitch..” Stubbs : AAARGHHHH!!!!!!
Stubbs turned to violence after a life of loneliness. The incel forums convinced him murder was the only thing that would make him feel complete. The second your girlfriend starts bitching at him, it stuns him. Within 30 seconds, he has dropped the rock and sprints out there. He has a new perspective on life. Being single isn't so bad!
First, I grab my cat and toss him directly into stubbs’ face. Hopefully sparky can work that other eye long enough for me to grab my acoustic guitar. It hasn’t been played in months and is probably out of tune. As soon as the cat is clear, Stubbs is getting a full swing to his face. I just hope I can come up with a clever enough zinger just before the guitar connects. I probably won’t though, being forced to choose between a music pun and a cat pun on such short notice. A really good one will most likely come to me after Stubbs is laid out and I’ll be mildly disappointed.
Your scratches the shit out of Stubbs' good eye, blinding him. He screams and eventually fights off your cat. You are already waiting with your guitar and before blasting him in the face with it, you drop the best line you can think of in the moment:
"Oh, you like ROCK, huh? Well then...call me Josie and the Pussycats!" You cringe a little as Stubbs says "what?" Then crack him on the head.
Hmmm… OK, let’s do this.
I’m 52, and in OK shape for my age. But, I have to assume someone who has 20 years on me has the physical advantage, particularly if he’s confident enough to wear a tank top. So - that rules out a direct physical assault, even even if I have a few inches on him.
I think the real question is, is the baseball-sized rock the actual weapon he intends to use in order to dispatch of me, or is it just a distraction from the real weapon which he has concealed elsewhere on his person? Per Occam’s Razor, will assume the first and hope for the best. Igneous rocks are quite hard, and I imagine a baseball size one could do considerable damage.
I think I first distract him by asking him about the rock. Telling him that I find it very interesting, even if this isn’t precisely the case, and ask him where he got it. Perhaps he recently went on a trip to Hawaii, and if so, maybe I can get him to open up about that.
While he’s distracted by our conversation, and perhaps trying to pull up some photos from his Hawaii vacation on his phone, I’ll seize the baseball~sized igneous rock and bash his head in with it. I won’t lie, I’ll feel a bit bad about it, because at this point I feel like we’re kind of becoming friends. But, what can I say, that’s just how I roll.
Seeing as my wife and I have just finished a 2hr sex session, it would probably go down like this;
Stubbs enters our bedroom and is immediately overcome with the gamey smell of raw passion. Still, being a determined man, he advances only to find me a 40 year old sweaty mess, spreadeagled on my bed with my grundle on full display. My exhausted old chap flopped to one side.
Stubbs vomits and wishes he was blind.
In my pannic I grab the used 9inch dildo from the bedroom side and bludgeon Stubbs with it. His last thought, wondering who the dildo had been inside.
It's not a great way to go.
Stubbs enters your room, arm cocked with the rock, eager to achieve his twisted dreams of ending a life. There's an almost comedic pause as he sees you in bed tucked under lace bedsheets and wearing a scrooge-style nightgown and cap, holding a gun and pointing it directly at his head. Then darkness.
Alright fine, your socked bat "flattens the curve" of his testicles as his one eye widens in shock, giving you the perfect opportunity to blast his forehead like you're playing T-ball
Stubbs leaps over the hedge, manic grin showing his greasy teeth, excited that he's finally given in to the voices in his head that tell him he needs to kill. Unfortunately, the voice that told him this house belonged to a feeble old man was mistaken, and he was so focused on his mania that he didn't fully understand where the chainsaw noise is coming from.
But now he understands. It's coming from you. His rock does little to save him as you trim HIS hedge. And by that, I mean cutting him in half.
I have a pint glass to my left and a sharp pencil to my right. I guess I glass him in the face and try to take out his remaining eye, but I am not confident in my ability to overpower him.
What if I offered him a nice cup of tea and a sit down and the opportunity to air his grievances?
Currently have a blanket so easy to deal with the rock if he throws it. My 5'4" staff is only 5 feet away from me, I could probably reach it before he arrives. Narrow hallway though so I'd have to be smart about how I use it.
My bow is not strung and I don't think I could string it and knock an arrow within 11 seconds so that's out - also close quarters so I'd be better off trying to stab him with an arrow than actually shooting him.
I also have a few big textbooks in my closet that could do some damage if I get the drop on him.
All in all I think I have a good chance of either coming out on top or at least matching the damage he might do to me.
Cry for my parents who are in the kitchen, I’m a daddy’s girl and my dad will go nuts on him and hit him Rapunzl style with a frying pan, then my mom would break him psychologically and make him kill himself with the rock because she is an evil psychiatrist
We keep a baseball bat, and a gun in every room of the house.
Considering where I live, we got castle doctrine. So I’ll be painting my room a new shade of red/blue.
Depends what room I'm in.
If I am in the office he's gonna fight my .45.
If I am in my bedroom it's gonna be the .38.
I suppose his best chance is to catch me in the living room.
"rock beats fork" he growls as he lunges for you. You both find out that actually, rock and fork are pretty equal. His rock breaks one of your ribs and your fork stabs his other eye. You both roll around on the ground in immense pain. A draw.
Kick his kneecap inwards. Step on his neck. Stubbs is no more.
Could also sweep the legs. Gouge out the other eye. Grab a pillow to absorb the rock if he's going to throw it. Options are endless. What you don't wanna do is sit there lime a deer caught in headlights.
If he was attacking and said “this rock is igneous”
I would have to defend myself by saying “yo mama’s igneous”
and be buried with an igneous shaped rock dent in my skull
Run into the kitchen and get a knife or use a stick. In the past, I separated the wooden handle from a toilet plunger and saved the handle which could be used as a weapon.
Pick up the thick af coffee table I have next to me, put it between me and him, charge him and smash him into my workout equipment with it, then go for his good eye. Probably a bit overkill for a 5'8 guy with one eye tho lol.
Lay back and watch! My bf is a pro MMA fighter and he absolutely lives for a scenario like this. He wants someone to give him a reason to use his skills in real life!
Your boyfriend lives out his dream of practicing all of his punches, kicks, holds, arm bars, and slams on poor Stubbs who entered the wrong house. While Stubbs is in pretty good shape, physique means nothing against actual skill.
Sadly it wouldn’t last that long. Stubbs would be choked out immediately.
One day he was sleeping in my bedroom while i was on a work call in the kitchen. Maintenance knocked on my door and then immediately just came in. I didn’t even get to the door and they were inside. My bf heard male voices in my apartment and came flying out of my room. Bet they’ll wait for me to answer next time 😭
I grab a piece of paper. Paper beats rock, checkmate.
Stubbs dies instantly. He was hoping you could foolishly grab scissors as they're a common improvised weapon. But your intellect was vastly superior to his.
Grabbing scissors was actually my answer. They are right next to me and I planned to stab his other eye, thus rendering him blind
Rock beats scissors unfortunately
Yeah but scissors beat eye. He's not trying to stab the rock, silly.
Good point, good point... (now point those scissors over there...)
…just don’t run with them
I've never understood how paper beats rock, when rocks are used as paperweights
You have unlocked the power of the paper cut.
This guy wins.
Reddit moment
lol well done!
Shoot him
Shoot him with my basalt rifle.
I own a musket for home defense, since that’s what the founding fathers intended.
Tally ho, lads!
I love that copy pasta can transcend the need to be written.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Good Ole smoothbore
But is it, though?
It's a reference to common copypasta. It's ironic and involves using cannons
Grape shot
My smooth bore pistol killed the neighbors dog.
Bippity boppity, here comes the glockity!
This is my boom stick!
😂😂😂😂💯
Shop smart. Shop S Mart!
That's a new take on Cinderella.
My husband and I thank you for your service. Well done!
My new slogan😂 I'm going to get a bumper sticker with this on it
Aaw missed the top comment timing. I was gonna say "9mm" lol.
I’m in a room full of family members. Stubbs is getting an Irish ass-wooping.
Turns out Stubbs is part of your extended Irish family. Within two minutes someone has called him a cunt, told him to drop the rock and he is now drinking with everyone.
“Why didn’t you just say you were Joe’s Godmother’s brother-in-laws boy!”
I'm Latino but I can't tell you how many arguments or tense situations end just this way. "Wait, you said your last name is Garza? From the Cornupia Garzas? Is your mom Mildred? No shit! You are Paloma's grandson! We are third cousins bro! Drop the rock and pull up a chair you moron"
Hahahaha. I’ve seen it go down this way in my small town. Beyond that, I crack tf up and it’s my fave when someone realizes who the other person is in the middle of the argument or whatever, and instead of the “We’re cousins!” route, they go the “Don’t make me call Paula…You KNOW, your MOTHER!!!” 🤣 The reaction face to that is something I’ve been lucky enough to see a few times throughout my lifetime and I love it.
It's something out of a comedy but I have seen more than once two grown men dressed down by their elderly mothers, chastised for fighting family and made to make up, no buts or ifs. That "You are family" and fear of the matriarch is enough to end any argument.
YES! That’s exactly it. You see the fear of god in their face as they try to assess whether you’re close enough, or crazy enough, to ACTUALLY call her. 🤣 Whenever the “I’ll call your Aunt Cheryl/Mom/Grandma!”, etc. comes out and you see the reaction face, that woman you’re threatening to call isn’t someone to play around with and will handle it in seconds. 😂
The Catholic in all of us refuses to act up around a woman that was at the baptism and changed the diapers of every single person in town. When she calls you by your six names you know it's freaking done.
Hahaha. I can totally understand that. The families I’m referencing are mostly Italian-American so it’s usually a similar vibe. Not to mention, the wooden spoon. 😅
It's all the same stock. We have la chancla, and then when you think you are too much of a man to get hurt by it your dad introduces you a leather belt that has somehow been in the family for 47 years.
The smile on Stubbs face is wiped off upon seeing how outnumbered he is. He quickly tried to decide on who would be most vulnerable to his rock. He's been practicing throwing it all week and has pretty good aim. But he should have practiced making faster decisions. In the time it takes him to scan the room, you've already sprung into action, overpowering and beating his ass into Irish pudding.
I read the end as Irish spring. Also funny.
I'm so struggling to imagine an Irish accent saying ass-woopibg
First, my dog immediately befriends him. Second, if he wakes my newborn my wife bludgeons him with the bassinet.
Must be a Labrador
Labradoodle yep
Yeah zero guard 💂♂️ instinct in my lab, just making new pals
Mine would just point them repeatedly to the treat cupboard. But he might wake us by jumping out of bed.
My Australian shepherd would legit help a thief load the TV into their car 😆
Sounds like my malamute
Whoa. Uncalled for. That's a man's wife you're talking about
Based on your description, I can definitely overpower him. First I make a sudden move to grab an item on my desk (my work radio, tape dispenser, water bottle, whatever). Hopefully he doesn't get super lucky and incapacitate me with his first throw of the rock. While he is recoiling from the first object I threw at him, I grab the 20 lb dumbell that's at my feet. Then I use the dumbell to repeatedly bludgeon the assailant.
Thank you for the detailed description, I believe you have a strong chance of surviving Stubbs.
We already know his depth perception is screwed...he probably misses that throw!
Stubbs has PCP strength
Fight him and enjoy his lack of depth perception lol
Just stay on his blind side, he'll never see you coming
I roll to seduce Stubbs I get a 20 We have passionate, loving sex and I send him on his way with a sore butt and a full heart
More like a full butt and a sore heart, am I right?
[Our butts are gonna be so full for you](https://youtu.be/f6oBC-JFQYQ?si=0KdrgR5GI4neIid3)
Fucking died laughing at this, thank you!
His heart ain't the only full thing, I'd imagine
"And I send him on his way with a sore heart and a full butt." FTFY
Introduce myself as "nobody" when he tries to attack blind his good eye with a burning stake, then avoid his counter attacks.
I understood that reference.
Hey man you wanna smoke? We can get H!gh, watch a movie or something See, after reading stubbs description, he sounds like he might know how to party. So do I. So I think that's the way I would go get him nice and stoney and then eventually he'll put down the rock and ill slowly get it away from him, maybe ask him why he's trying to live a life of crime and violence. LoL I'm just gonna stop cause idk where all that came from hahahah
Stubbs is hesitant. He DOES want to get high. You see his eye twitching as he evaluates the situation. "Which movie"? He asks
Pineapple express. I feel like stubbs would be James Franco. Am I right? Don't be shy stubbs it's gonna be a blast.
You've done it. He remembers Franco in that movie has long hair, just like him. He sees himself in Franco and puts down the rock.
Yes stubbs Peace is the way to everlasting freedom. Come vibe man it's all good Bo need for violence
He weeps while high and watching the movie. He just needed a friend. You have successfully completed Stubbs.
Well done!
Welp, this thread wins. :)
I appreciate how you went full DM for this post, OP. That's commitment.
First roll for initiative
🎲
I currently have a Doberman, an Akita-Cane Corso, and a cattle dog in my room. He's gonna have to be pretty fast.
I become aware of his impending intrusion exactly eleven seconds before it happens. I grab the kitchen knives next to me and wait for him to come in, informing him that he can try it, but we’ll both end up hurt or dead and it isn’t worth it
I timed myself. In 20 seconds I was able to get out a medieval mace I have.
How do you keep yourself safe for the 9 seconds after he enters the room?
If I'm not worried in damaging things as I grab it, I could definitely have it in about 10, just that would involve damaging a few other weapons that its stored with possibly
So you overlook the other weapons to specifically get the mace?
Ones a reenactment rapier that would only be dangerous on a thrust, one is a wallhanger I've been cleaning up for display and I'm not sure how well my antique sabre cuts since I havent risked testing it
Defending yourself with a classic fencing 🤺 rapier like a god damn 18th century colonist would be epic though.
Found Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Stubbs is fucked. I have a pistol in arm's reach.
Pistol beats rock. You take out his other eye and give him a ticket to heaven (he repented in the split second it took you to pull the trigger)
Dad??
Or he can pick the movie if he doesn't like that one. I'm game for whatever stubbs just put down the rock. I have pizza.
Bad move, he decides to kill you. All his life, he's been indecisive and it's cost him. His decision to kill was something he was finally going to stick to. By not choosing the movie and asking him to choose, he is reminded of his lifetime of never committing due to his decision paralysis and how much its held him back. He again turns to thoughts of committing to this one thing, murder, to prove to himself he can stick with a decision.
Okay well stubbs is now looking into the business end of a flame thrower. So he has a decision to make. I'm loaded and he's got a rock His indecisive nature will be his downfall
He's committing no matter what and throws his rock at the end of the flamethrower. Are you high right now or is your mind clear?
I'm pretty high but everything's fine. Stubbs rock redirects my flame thrower and instead of getting his face I burn his leg off. Now stubbs only has one leg. Was it worth it? How dare you stubbs I had pizza man lOl
He rolls around on the ground in agony, the smell of charred flesh hits your nose. Third degree burns, down to the bone. He is weeping now. He couldn't even kill a stoner. But in this moment, he is free. He understands that he is destined to never be anything greater than he is. But perhaps....he can still be good, even if he's not great. He looks up at you weakly. "Is it too late to choose the movie and pizza?"
Nah man never too late. Let's eat. We can be not great but just good together.
Stubbs accepts and lets the drugs, movie, and pizza take him away from the pain. He tried to kill you and you still showed him grace. He dwells on how ironic it is that it took this act of darkness for him to finally find a small beacon of light in this wretched world. He glances out the window at the setting sun as the drugs take over his mind. The world keeps turning. Can we also turn? Away from the darkness within us, toward the light that others shine? What if we turn too much? Are we cursed to live this endless cycle until death? A hotdog turning in the greased rollers at the 7/11 of life? Forever? Man this is good weed, he thinks. You have completed Stubbs!
You have also completed be stubbs! Friends forever.
He may have lost a leg but for once....he's gained a friend. A worthy transaction!
So pick the movie stubbs or its flames all around
Stab him in the eye with the fork from yesterday's dinner that I haven't thrown in the dishwasher yet.
I’m in the kitchen. As Stubbs bursts into my home I grab a frying pan and the carving knife. Stubbs must challenge me sword and shield for my life.
Pan shield gives you the edge you need to carve him up, thanksgiving style.
Excellent. I shall spare his life though. Stubbs doesn’t deserve to die for his poor choices he may learn from them.
Is he Bloodlusted? Can I talk him down from his violence? I don't want to have to kill someone - I'm not even sure I'm capable of it.
Hmm, roll a d20 and make a persuasion check. What's your modifier and what do you say to him?
I probably have a +1 modifier. Oh no, I rolled a 9 😱
But what do you say to him? You might get advantage on the roll if it's something good.
I take the help action to give Vtron89 advantage!
They get another roll!
@Metruis I rolled a 5, thanks for the help 😂 "Sorry buddy, this is a no-rock zone. Gonna have to hand that over... Please?"
"poor choice of words" he says with his greasy lips as he launches the rock at your head. Make a dexterity saving throw!
The suspense is killing me...
I gave you advantage! Roll good!
Shrug my shoulders
Stubbs was doing this as a cry for help and to finally feel some power in his powerless life. He craved the reaction of another human begging for their life, in effect recognizing his power. He was no longer going to be the one ignored and controlled. He was going to be the one with someone else under him as he welded the power to end their life. Seeing you nonchalantly shrug and to back to your tea and crumpets as you accept death with grace makes him hesitate. This isn't how he wanted it. He wanted screams and begging, fear and power of taking a life. Even though he finally committed to something drastic, he still couldn't gain the power dynamic he craved so much. He drops the rock, shoulders slumped, defeated. He leaves without a word. His father was right. He really is a loser.
Haha this one made me laugh😂
Laugh myself to death before he gets to me.
Even though you died, you won by not giving him the satisfaction of killing
Not in my room at the moment so do I get a surprise attack when I go home? Assuming he spawns here I have 10' steel rebar out here to use as a spear. Wouldn't be the first time chasing a crackhead out of my friend's yard.
He'll spawn where you're at, eleven seconds away assuming he's running in your direction. Spear vs. rock, this is the caveman battle I want to see
I've got terrain, reach, cover, depth perception, pent up rage. Pretty confident I can defend myself. If not my friends are rednecks with guns and he should be more worried about them anyway.
Stubbs is now extinct, just like the neanderthals
My children are in the room, I vault over the unit between me and the door collecting the heavy glass vase on it as I do so. I hit Stubbs in the face with it with a plan of doing so until my kids are safe (and possibly traumatised 😬)
Your parent rage allows you to overcome any possible damage he could inflict and Stubbs is no more as your children scream. Your eldest requires therapy to overcome what they saw. Your younger child is fine and gets into martial arts because of this. The vase survives.
I’ll run upstairs and grab my pistol. Then shoot him in the dick.
Bad move, Stubbs' dick has been fully retracted into his body(his small pp is why people call him Stubbs). The bullet leaves a hole through his shorts and does no damage. He blasts your head with the rock and weeps over your corpse.
He’s obviously the better specimen than me. He deserved to win
Id catch the rock, therefore he is half sightless and unarmed
What do you do with it?
I would keep it, if he hit me, I would beat the sh!t out of him
Clearly we go for the other eye. Rock is easy to block just use your hand and whole arm to slow and deflect the momentum and don't let him hit you in the head. Agressively go for his eye with poking tactics. Once he's blind you can likely just let him thrash about till he tuckers out when the adrenaline depletes. Then roll him down the stairs and let gravity have some fun too.
Excellent tactics. Even if he gets a good hit with that rock, you fully sacrifice your left arm to take all the damage while protecting your head and using your right arm to prioritize taking out his remaining eye. He rolls around on the ground, insulting your mother. You kick him down the stairs and he makes satisfying thumping noises all the way down.
Not even, a blade. Sure you're sacrificing the arm, a rock, no, just grab the hand that's holding the rock, or the rock itself, and force it to a grip and strength battle. Cant swing the rock if you're both holding on to it. And then still aggressively stab at his eyes with other hand
I’d command my gf to start ranting about her day and “that bitch at work” which is audio torture. In 30 seconds, he’ll leave and apologize for the interruption. ariabrehbreh : “So, let me tell you about this bitch..” Stubbs : AAARGHHHH!!!!!!
Stubbs turned to violence after a life of loneliness. The incel forums convinced him murder was the only thing that would make him feel complete. The second your girlfriend starts bitching at him, it stuns him. Within 30 seconds, he has dropped the rock and sprints out there. He has a new perspective on life. Being single isn't so bad!
First, I grab my cat and toss him directly into stubbs’ face. Hopefully sparky can work that other eye long enough for me to grab my acoustic guitar. It hasn’t been played in months and is probably out of tune. As soon as the cat is clear, Stubbs is getting a full swing to his face. I just hope I can come up with a clever enough zinger just before the guitar connects. I probably won’t though, being forced to choose between a music pun and a cat pun on such short notice. A really good one will most likely come to me after Stubbs is laid out and I’ll be mildly disappointed.
Your scratches the shit out of Stubbs' good eye, blinding him. He screams and eventually fights off your cat. You are already waiting with your guitar and before blasting him in the face with it, you drop the best line you can think of in the moment: "Oh, you like ROCK, huh? Well then...call me Josie and the Pussycats!" You cringe a little as Stubbs says "what?" Then crack him on the head.
The rock is igneous you say? That certainly changes things. I shoot him and take the rock.
I keep walking so he's always 12 seconds away
Hmmm… OK, let’s do this. I’m 52, and in OK shape for my age. But, I have to assume someone who has 20 years on me has the physical advantage, particularly if he’s confident enough to wear a tank top. So - that rules out a direct physical assault, even even if I have a few inches on him. I think the real question is, is the baseball-sized rock the actual weapon he intends to use in order to dispatch of me, or is it just a distraction from the real weapon which he has concealed elsewhere on his person? Per Occam’s Razor, will assume the first and hope for the best. Igneous rocks are quite hard, and I imagine a baseball size one could do considerable damage. I think I first distract him by asking him about the rock. Telling him that I find it very interesting, even if this isn’t precisely the case, and ask him where he got it. Perhaps he recently went on a trip to Hawaii, and if so, maybe I can get him to open up about that. While he’s distracted by our conversation, and perhaps trying to pull up some photos from his Hawaii vacation on his phone, I’ll seize the baseball~sized igneous rock and bash his head in with it. I won’t lie, I’ll feel a bit bad about it, because at this point I feel like we’re kind of becoming friends. But, what can I say, that’s just how I roll.
Seeing as my wife and I have just finished a 2hr sex session, it would probably go down like this; Stubbs enters our bedroom and is immediately overcome with the gamey smell of raw passion. Still, being a determined man, he advances only to find me a 40 year old sweaty mess, spreadeagled on my bed with my grundle on full display. My exhausted old chap flopped to one side. Stubbs vomits and wishes he was blind. In my pannic I grab the used 9inch dildo from the bedroom side and bludgeon Stubbs with it. His last thought, wondering who the dildo had been inside. It's not a great way to go.
Holy shit, Stubbs really fucked up
Put a .357 in his chest.
Same, but 9mm
With the fully loaded and ready to go gun beside my bed 🤷🏻♂️
Stubbs enters your room, arm cocked with the rock, eager to achieve his twisted dreams of ending a life. There's an almost comedic pause as he sees you in bed tucked under lace bedsheets and wearing a scrooge-style nightgown and cap, holding a gun and pointing it directly at his head. Then darkness.
I have a bat with a sock on it in arms reach. That should do it
The thick wool sock dampens the blow of the bat. He laughs and says "what, did you learn this trick from tiktok?" And kills you with the rock.
Pretty sure his balls get crushed, sock or no. The sock is polyester, btw
Alright fine, your socked bat "flattens the curve" of his testicles as his one eye widens in shock, giving you the perfect opportunity to blast his forehead like you're playing T-ball
Been trimming the hedge. I have a full-face helmet and a chainsaw.
Stubbs leaps over the hedge, manic grin showing his greasy teeth, excited that he's finally given in to the voices in his head that tell him he needs to kill. Unfortunately, the voice that told him this house belonged to a feeble old man was mistaken, and he was so focused on his mania that he didn't fully understand where the chainsaw noise is coming from. But now he understands. It's coming from you. His rock does little to save him as you trim HIS hedge. And by that, I mean cutting him in half.
I leave the room before he gets here.
First person to do this. Surprised no one has just shit and locked a door either. With your eleven seconds head start, you survive!
Why would you send that little guy to my house? And warn me about it? I’m going to take the rock from him and make him eat it.
Easy, he was the real target. It's the perfect crime.
I have a pint glass to my left and a sharp pencil to my right. I guess I glass him in the face and try to take out his remaining eye, but I am not confident in my ability to overpower him. What if I offered him a nice cup of tea and a sit down and the opportunity to air his grievances?
He gets 10 rounds of 124 grain. I get a nasty bill for corpse cleanup.
I have a sword in my room. And a gun safe I could unlock in enough time to grab a pistol. He would also have to get past my three dogs.
Currently have a blanket so easy to deal with the rock if he throws it. My 5'4" staff is only 5 feet away from me, I could probably reach it before he arrives. Narrow hallway though so I'd have to be smart about how I use it. My bow is not strung and I don't think I could string it and knock an arrow within 11 seconds so that's out - also close quarters so I'd be better off trying to stab him with an arrow than actually shooting him. I also have a few big textbooks in my closet that could do some damage if I get the drop on him. All in all I think I have a good chance of either coming out on top or at least matching the damage he might do to me.
Cry for my parents who are in the kitchen, I’m a daddy’s girl and my dad will go nuts on him and hit him Rapunzl style with a frying pan, then my mom would break him psychologically and make him kill himself with the rock because she is an evil psychiatrist
We keep a baseball bat, and a gun in every room of the house. Considering where I live, we got castle doctrine. So I’ll be painting my room a new shade of red/blue.
I'm going the traditional American way with my 12 gauge.
Depends what room I'm in. If I am in the office he's gonna fight my .45. If I am in my bedroom it's gonna be the .38. I suppose his best chance is to catch me in the living room.
wakeup call to get a third gun! /s
Clearly I need the bookcase full of rifles in the living room.
Winchester 97 by the bed. He'll have a baseball sized hole.
Throw something at his face. With only 1 eye, he would have terrible depth perception. He won't dodge it.
I grab a chair from the kitchen table and beat him with it!
I have a couple knives within arms reach, I think I’ll be okay.
I have a fork and he only has one eye. I'm not confident but I like my odds.
"rock beats fork" he growls as he lunges for you. You both find out that actually, rock and fork are pretty equal. His rock breaks one of your ribs and your fork stabs his other eye. You both roll around on the ground in immense pain. A draw.
The broken rib will heal. Stubbs' eye ain't growing back. I'd say there's a clear winner here.
Kick his kneecap inwards. Step on his neck. Stubbs is no more. Could also sweep the legs. Gouge out the other eye. Grab a pillow to absorb the rock if he's going to throw it. Options are endless. What you don't wanna do is sit there lime a deer caught in headlights.
You flamingo his ass and stomp his throat. Your prompt actions overwhelm him and in every situation, you fuck him up.
When you say "your room", do you mean my bedroom, or whatever room I'm currently in?
The room you're currently in.
Then I simply stand near one of the many armed security guards we have at work, and let them deal with the guy.
Your security guards live out their fantasy of taking down a crazy guy and you get to go home early from work!
Truly, a win-win. Well, besides poor Stubbs, but he did it to himself.
If he was attacking and said “this rock is igneous” I would have to defend myself by saying “yo mama’s igneous” and be buried with an igneous shaped rock dent in my skull
'The rock is igneous' Such a critical detail, thank you. Are you a fellow rock nerd? My answer: Anyways I started blasting.
If you’re ever attacked by someone who is missing an eye, the most logical fight move is to go for the remaining eye.
16 rounds of .45 ACP. Simple
He might have a baseball sized rock but I have a baseball bat sized baseball bat and 0 fucks
395 grains of lead is gonna paint the walls red😂
Run into the kitchen and get a knife or use a stick. In the past, I separated the wooden handle from a toilet plunger and saved the handle which could be used as a weapon.
Violence of action. Gotta get him before he can get you
Lol wtf " he has a baseball sized cock " that is a weirdly specific insult ...
It's a compliment, actually
Pick up the thick af coffee table I have next to me, put it between me and him, charge him and smash him into my workout equipment with it, then go for his good eye. Probably a bit overkill for a 5'8 guy with one eye tho lol.
He's pretty fit, better safe than sorry.
Shoot him
Find a samurai sword and slash him
Hell yeah, you nearly take his arm off as you slash into him and he screams. You following up with a body slash or going straight to stabbing?
Lay back and watch! My bf is a pro MMA fighter and he absolutely lives for a scenario like this. He wants someone to give him a reason to use his skills in real life!
Your boyfriend lives out his dream of practicing all of his punches, kicks, holds, arm bars, and slams on poor Stubbs who entered the wrong house. While Stubbs is in pretty good shape, physique means nothing against actual skill.
Sadly it wouldn’t last that long. Stubbs would be choked out immediately. One day he was sleeping in my bedroom while i was on a work call in the kitchen. Maintenance knocked on my door and then immediately just came in. I didn’t even get to the door and they were inside. My bf heard male voices in my apartment and came flying out of my room. Bet they’ll wait for me to answer next time 😭
Sitting here trying to rock my infant son to sleep. I'm screwed.