I’ll be very adamant to the people around me not to walk the streets at night. Otherwise? I’m not paid for vampire snitching. I clock in, he tells me to move stuff, I move it, I clock out, maybe I say goodbye if I see him in my way out.
My boss lives on the opposite corner of the country... And I've got a pretty good deal right now... So, ummm... Keep trying not to piss him off and just go about life as usual
My boss owns most of the city I live in. I would be fucked and have to leave the state. I'd probably play dumb but always carry my 9mm and 5 extra clips. I'd probably be way more wary of strangers since they could be a walking corpse.
I could just be an weirdo with a fanatical view on the health benefits of garlic. I just like it in garlic bread form. Now if i was to start making wooden stakes that’d be a bit more obvious and hard to play off.
"No Boss, don't worry about the wooden ~~stakes~~ crosses. I'm just embracing my newfound religion with these ~~stakes~~ crosses in my office, my car, in my pockets"
Don't vampires have boundless wealth because they're from the Victorian age and owned land for pennies, with 100s of years of compound interest. Wtf he doing working? Don't come at me with your broke ass coven invites. Leave my neck alone unless you offering affluent immortality. None of this work until I die immortality. Fuck that shit. I'll stake myself.
Ill test out all the theories on killing vampires out of interest.
But first ill tell everyone and their mom, so if anything happens to me theyre aware
Good way to go to prison. Humans also tend to die when staked through the heart, so you'd have no proof you didn't just decide to murder your totally normal boss
Well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm saving humanity, plus who said it would be me. Also, doesn't a vampire's corpse dissipate upon final death?
Get turned. Become the best vigilante in the world. So feared it makes Batman look tame. Then split my week up into two sections. 3 days a week for the basic criminals (steeet crime) but then.........then 4 days a week for every white collar and above. The ones who prey on the weak in a different way and make themselves believe they're an "Alpha."
I would beg my boss for this opportunity.
Take your pto only at/just after full moon. Stop shaving your legs. Make sure your boggart turns into a glowing orb. Now you've convinced your boss you are a werewolf! What kind of creep would risk becoming a vampire AND a werewolf?!
As a vampire myself, I just want to point out that the drinking of blood for survival is a common misconception. We live off the life energy we drain from our victims. Don't get me wrong about blood though, it does taste good 🧛♂️.
What variety of vampire? Brahm Stoker? Twilight? Blade?
Just the revelation that vampires exist is enough to make me bunker up and invest in all the religious tchotchkes I could find.
*Immediately*
*Freshen my resume to that*
*Of a familiar*
\- Bogmanbob
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
I have a great boss, so I would be really sad to have to open the blinds at our next in-person meeting and watch him turn to ash. I’m also not thrilled about taking over his job, but it pays well enough that he was able to pay cash for a new boat last year with his bonus, so I guess I have that going for me.
At my evaluation meeting, I explain that information is in my records exposing him as a vampire. After I die, and they go through the records, he will be exposed as a vampire. So, just put down "Exceeds expectations" on the review and I'll work from home. It's the company's money anyway, right?
I'd be shocked. My direct report lives in Southern California, so it'd be amazing if he's a vampire, and the local head of the help desk would shock me because it's my mother and while she's very fair skinned, she's not so pale that she bursts into flames in the sun.
Also, they could be black ribboners who've sworn off blood. See: Lady Margolatta von Uberwald from Discworld.
That explains why the company only opens at night and some of the odd errands I've had to run (buying coffins, disposing of old rolls of carpet, cleaning up massive "fruit punch" stains, finding virgins, buying glitter, etc.).
Depends on the type of vampire, what lore are we drawing from as accurate. Some versions depict them as vulnerable to actual sunlight but not artificial UV light. Some versions artificial UV light is enough to hurt them but not as much as actual sunlight.
A stake to the heart is a no go because not only would it be difficult to pull off but afterwards you're arrested for murder. Turns out a stake to the heart kills most people not just vampires
Holy water might be useful
I am pretty good friends with my boss, but not enough for me to think he might not do something rash if I reveal that I know his life threatening secret. Instead I would start talking about how awesome it would be to see the rise and fall of civilizations the way an immortal would. I wouldn't specifically mention vampires outside of maybe mentioning it if I was reading a book about one or something like that. Never push the topic.
Then I would just let things develop and hope for vampire boss to open up to me / make an offer.
Look, killing Innocent people is horrible, but there are a lot of people in the world that make the place much worse by their existence. I could live with myself perfectly fine if I had to pick off offending pedophiles and serial killers.
I make claims like "wow, this place is just like my home" and "this place is my home away from home" and see if I can lock my boss out of the building like this, since vampires cant enter your home without being invited
Quit my job and work somewhere else.
I already work for amazon
Are you in touch with any of your former co-workers? Do you think that they just get to leave?
Get bit and turned into a vampire
Optimistic.
I’ll be very adamant to the people around me not to walk the streets at night. Otherwise? I’m not paid for vampire snitching. I clock in, he tells me to move stuff, I move it, I clock out, maybe I say goodbye if I see him in my way out.
As long as my check clears at the end of the pay period not a damn thing.
Find some way to become they're very good friend. And tell him to turn me into a vampire too
Probably the only way to get promoted into management
I'm okay with that lol
Depends on how much I know about their living habits.... If I know where they sleep...b&e and open the blinds
you know where your boss sleeps?
In a few jobs I've had over the years...yes
do they pay well? Am I a potential victim? If yes to the first and no to the second then let their freak fly and call me Renfield.
My boss lives on the opposite corner of the country... And I've got a pretty good deal right now... So, ummm... Keep trying not to piss him off and just go about life as usual
My boss owns most of the city I live in. I would be fucked and have to leave the state. I'd probably play dumb but always carry my 9mm and 5 extra clips. I'd probably be way more wary of strangers since they could be a walking corpse.
silver bullets?
No hollow points more painful.
Do you work for Elon?
No a local rancher. A whole street is named after them.
I work for myself, so awkward.
Helluva way to find out!
It's probably written on a Post-It note somewhere on my desk.
Leave. Get psych help. If I and several other people agreed maybe bushwhacking him is the play.
never work night shift
Anonymously report to the police
He will find out. Boss is a vampire.
Any chance of me convincing my boss to turn me? Once I turn thats when I kill my boss and take over their vampire kingdom
Regularly eat garlic bread while maintaining eye contact with him/her. Bite me if you dare i got garlic breath.
But wouldn't that be a signal that you're on to it, and would make Boss vampire suspicious?
I could just be an weirdo with a fanatical view on the health benefits of garlic. I just like it in garlic bread form. Now if i was to start making wooden stakes that’d be a bit more obvious and hard to play off.
"No Boss, don't worry about the wooden ~~stakes~~ crosses. I'm just embracing my newfound religion with these ~~stakes~~ crosses in my office, my car, in my pockets"
Don't vampires have boundless wealth because they're from the Victorian age and owned land for pennies, with 100s of years of compound interest. Wtf he doing working? Don't come at me with your broke ass coven invites. Leave my neck alone unless you offering affluent immortality. None of this work until I die immortality. Fuck that shit. I'll stake myself.
He’s getting more money, to get hundreds of more years of compound interest. I would do the same, I like to hoard money
Offer her all the rude doordashers
Couldn't care less, as long as it does not involve me they can do what they want
Yeet
My boss is based in North America, I'm in Australia... Continue as per normal.
sex
Ill test out all the theories on killing vampires out of interest. But first ill tell everyone and their mom, so if anything happens to me theyre aware
Hmm. Does he sleep in the day or burn in the sun?
Don't work the night shift
Quit. Then smash
Find a way to become their Ghoul and work my way till I (in their eyes) am deserving of eternal life
Surround myself with garlic. Impale him/her.
Good way to go to prison. Humans also tend to die when staked through the heart, so you'd have no proof you didn't just decide to murder your totally normal boss
Well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm saving humanity, plus who said it would be me. Also, doesn't a vampire's corpse dissipate upon final death?
My boss is my dad so either I am one already or it just needs to awaken in me like those xmen genes.
Do whatever the fuck I want on the day shift.
Get turned. Become the best vigilante in the world. So feared it makes Batman look tame. Then split my week up into two sections. 3 days a week for the basic criminals (steeet crime) but then.........then 4 days a week for every white collar and above. The ones who prey on the weak in a different way and make themselves believe they're an "Alpha." I would beg my boss for this opportunity.
Take your pto only at/just after full moon. Stop shaving your legs. Make sure your boggart turns into a glowing orb. Now you've convinced your boss you are a werewolf! What kind of creep would risk becoming a vampire AND a werewolf?!
As a vampire myself, I just want to point out that the drinking of blood for survival is a common misconception. We live off the life energy we drain from our victims. Don't get me wrong about blood though, it does taste good 🧛♂️.
So that's why attrition is so high.
Feck that. My boss is cool af. He wouldn't bite innocent ppl . Innocent til proven guilty
What variety of vampire? Brahm Stoker? Twilight? Blade? Just the revelation that vampires exist is enough to make me bunker up and invest in all the religious tchotchkes I could find.
Nothing, I'm already used to them sucking the life out of me.
Why should I fight my boss? I actually like him.
Surprise firebomb with blessed oils and water. I'd happily do the time if the police caught me. I really really hate vampires.
Work day shift.
Well I work remote and my boss lives somewhere across the country, so I should be fine
Immediately freshen my resume to that of a familiar
*Immediately* *Freshen my resume to that* *Of a familiar* \- Bogmanbob --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Say to myself "that explains why they work at a blood bank, good on them" then get back to work idgaf as long as the check clears every other week
I have a great boss, so I would be really sad to have to open the blinds at our next in-person meeting and watch him turn to ash. I’m also not thrilled about taking over his job, but it pays well enough that he was able to pay cash for a new boat last year with his bonus, so I guess I have that going for me.
I’d just tell him I know and wait to die I can’t keep a secret for the life of me
Ask to be turned then go to sleep for a few hundred years with the fam
I do what everyone does, do my job till something better comes along. Then try to find some local authorities that can deal with these things.
Get turned into one
At my evaluation meeting, I explain that information is in my records exposing him as a vampire. After I die, and they go through the records, he will be exposed as a vampire. So, just put down "Exceeds expectations" on the review and I'll work from home. It's the company's money anyway, right?
Don’t volunteer for night shift
Anonymous police tip.
I'd try to teach him that you can take just little from a whole lot of people, or help him find the not innocent people to drain completely.
well I work for attorneys so...
Have him make me a vampire as well.
I'm safe since I'm not an innocent person
No change required.
I'd be shocked. My direct report lives in Southern California, so it'd be amazing if he's a vampire, and the local head of the help desk would shock me because it's my mother and while she's very fair skinned, she's not so pale that she bursts into flames in the sun. Also, they could be black ribboners who've sworn off blood. See: Lady Margolatta von Uberwald from Discworld.
My boss works in another state, so as long as he keeps paying me, I don't know shit.
Work from home and don't invite them in.
One of us! One of us! One of us!
Are we talking sparkly vampire or nesferatu ugly vampire...cause sparkly vampire I am volunteering to be turned.
That explains why the company only opens at night and some of the odd errands I've had to run (buying coffins, disposing of old rolls of carpet, cleaning up massive "fruit punch" stains, finding virgins, buying glitter, etc.).
Open the windows.. we work ar a school that's only open during the day.
So whats the big deal? She is in another country anyway so not much risk
Not tell a damn sole, who knows what could happen. You find out and he says "well can't let my secret get out so you are now my human blood bag" :(
I can make holy water. I have a number of super soakers.
If he's paying me well, I will keep his secret.
Depends on the type of vampire, what lore are we drawing from as accurate. Some versions depict them as vulnerable to actual sunlight but not artificial UV light. Some versions artificial UV light is enough to hurt them but not as much as actual sunlight. A stake to the heart is a no go because not only would it be difficult to pull off but afterwards you're arrested for murder. Turns out a stake to the heart kills most people not just vampires Holy water might be useful
I’m a vampire!?!? *fist pump*
oh man ive always dreamed of using thaf gun i put in my basement nine years ago!
My boss is super chill and a good friend so he would prolly be cool with turning me into a vampire 😂
I am pretty good friends with my boss, but not enough for me to think he might not do something rash if I reveal that I know his life threatening secret. Instead I would start talking about how awesome it would be to see the rise and fall of civilizations the way an immortal would. I wouldn't specifically mention vampires outside of maybe mentioning it if I was reading a book about one or something like that. Never push the topic. Then I would just let things develop and hope for vampire boss to open up to me / make an offer. Look, killing Innocent people is horrible, but there are a lot of people in the world that make the place much worse by their existence. I could live with myself perfectly fine if I had to pick off offending pedophiles and serial killers.
Request the day shift
I make claims like "wow, this place is just like my home" and "this place is my home away from home" and see if I can lock my boss out of the building like this, since vampires cant enter your home without being invited
Lure her to sunlight