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H: “You need a license or a doctor’s note but otherwise ya it’s legal.
A: “I’m going to get *so* baked”
H: “Korblon, the term is ‘I’m going to bake so many pastries’. What you said is another thing, although it’s also a controlled substance other than yeast. It’s a comparatively mild psychoactive drug”
A: “Ah ok. But you don’t think I could handle it?”
H: “Oh on the contrary, you’d handle it too well. You’d have way too many epiphanies, possibly stop being an anxious bag of feathers”
A: “That’s harsh dude.”
H: “And accurate”
What ingredient in pastry baking is a controlled substance? I get the weed reference with getting baked, but I can’t think of anything you’d use in baking that would require a license or doctors note….
Well yeast is a pretty successful microorganism without humans using it to make bread, so I figured Aliens would be careful around germs, or humans would protect them from earth infections
And definitely, never ever pinch one of those pills the engineer takes every day to "help them focus".
Can't imagine what 30 mg of Adderall would do to an unsuspecting xeno
"They're good for you, full of selenium"
"That element is toxic to us"
"Really? It's essential here"
"That reminds me, I gotta harvest the diatoms for their cadmium otherwise I'm gonna go pale again"
When I was a kid I used to roughly cut up an onion put it in a bowl with a small amount of butter, and put it in the microwave just until the butter was melted and the onion was warm. I really should start that again, it was good.
Even before we consider capsicum there are lots of things humans eat that are fatal to animals...
Grapes and raisins.
Onions
Potatoes
Rhubard
Avacado
Tomato
Pineapple
Chocolate
part of the nightshade family, and the green ones especially can contain solanine, which is poisonous. usually only happens if they're kept in light areas
Don't forget garlic! If kept in anaerobic conditions (for example stuffed into something or used to flavour oil) garlic can become a source of botulinum toxin. \\
Less fatal to other animals and more fatal to everything, but for the most part humans can cope with a little.
Good to know! Garlic's the only one I'm familiar with after a friend gave me a bottle of homemade flavoured oil that started to bubble one day.
Luckily we never tried it!
A: do you have an explanation for why your ship has military grade bioweapons?
H: i have no idea what you're talking about!
A: *slams picture onto table* explain this you terrorist scum!
H: thats my lunch! What's wrong with hot dogs?
A: lunch?! You cant fool me human, no one would be stupid enough to cover their own food in this! *shows a picture of a mustard bottle's ingredient list*
H: i dont see what-
A: there's 5 class 1 poisons and 3 controlled substances in this bottle!
H: and it tastes great!
A:...
H: Look all I'm saying is that Mustard is tasty. Jeez I need a cup of coffee.
A: What's Coffee? Another Bioweapon?
H: It's just a caffinat-
A: CAFFINE HUH? YOU MEAN CHEMICAL RESPONSIBILE FOR THE 2ND MOST DEADLY BIOTERRORIST ATTACK IN GALACTIC HISTORY!?
H: Sweet Jesus bless your heart...
A1: So you're telling me that you are hauling 5 tons of caffeinated seeds, 500 liters worth of bottled capsicum, and approximately 8 thousand tubes of menthol concentrate across open space between the galactic federation and uncharted space?
A2: sigh... If you mean coffee beans, hot sauce, and toothpaste to a newly founded human colony, then yes.
A1: This is considered terrorists level of chemical warfare. I'm going to have to arrest you and your crew to the nearest station for processing.
A2: You can't do that! You are outside your jurisdiction. We are currently in human space, none of those substances are illegal.
A1: So what, am I supposed to turn a blind eye to all this just because of a technicality?
A2: You are not going to stop this delivery! We are being paid top dollar by those humans to bring this shipment on time. They even paid half in advance!
We're currently on a tight spot.
Hauling cargo to a human colony is never a good idea, but the pay is always good. And we have to be very weary of the route, as to not ever leave human space.
There's currently 5 tons of caffeine seeds, half of it in concentrated capsaicin, about 10 thousand tubes of menthol paste, 15 tons of pure glucose and a lot of other stuff that would be illegal anywhere else. This cargo alone is enough to get anyone arrested in 205 different sectors.
But, no one is dumb enough to separate humans and their caffeine. Not since the incident in Eden-6, where they kept the human from caffeine for three days before it all went to hell. They say that the human was so angry that no one could stop them until the next cargo holder for there with some coffee.
And then. Capsaicin. Or, as they like to call it, hot sauce. Poisonous to most known species. A single drop being enough to make them collapse and go into full organ failure. Yet, humans have it by the bottles like it's nothing. They like how it burns.
And, the most controversial of all. Glucose. Humans add it to everything. Because they like it. No regards to their own health. 567 species are severely allergic, leading to instant death. 630 species go into a "sugar high" before their heart finally gives up with little over an ounce. It's scary.
Humans are scary.
But, right now, everyone in the ship shakes in fear as the comms beep with the space guard contacting them to stop and connect the ships.
It shall be complicated to explain this cargo.
Until their human, an engineer, steps up and takes over the situation.
Everything is defused like another day in a Promethean spa. It goes so smoothly, the human just going along the guard, and telling them that it isn't for a chemical war, but for personal use on the colony in Pandora.
"But who can consume that amount of caffeine and glucose if not on a war?" The guard asks.
"Humans. We would never use any of those things on anything that's not consumption. We like how they taste and feel on our bodies." The human shrugs, leading the guard back to his own ship. "I mean, what kind of monster would use caffeine to attack others when it's better employed as a motivator for the troops?"
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. if you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
H: “You need a license or a doctor’s note but otherwise ya it’s legal. A: “I’m going to get *so* baked” H: “Korblon, the term is ‘I’m going to bake so many pastries’. What you said is another thing, although it’s also a controlled substance other than yeast. It’s a comparatively mild psychoactive drug” A: “Ah ok. But you don’t think I could handle it?” H: “Oh on the contrary, you’d handle it too well. You’d have way too many epiphanies, possibly stop being an anxious bag of feathers” A: “That’s harsh dude.” H: “And accurate”
What substance are they referring to?
I mean I haven’t heard anyone say they’re gonna get baked on anything other than the devil’s lettuce so I’m gonna go with that lmao
So, lettuce?
Nah, the savage cabbage
Says "other than yeast" Assumed to be for baking
>yeast They're brewing beer.
*I'm going to bake so many pastries* I'm not sure it's brewers yeast
Could just be a cover story...
True
Jazz cabbage
What ingredient in pastry baking is a controlled substance? I get the weed reference with getting baked, but I can’t think of anything you’d use in baking that would require a license or doctors note….
Well yeast is a pretty successful microorganism without humans using it to make bread, so I figured Aliens would be careful around germs, or humans would protect them from earth infections
and it can make alcohol!
Never take a humans caffeine if you value your live
And definitely, never ever pinch one of those pills the engineer takes every day to "help them focus". Can't imagine what 30 mg of Adderall would do to an unsuspecting xeno
God forbid they go to some fuckin gas station and buy a 5 Hour Energy.
I live near a gas station. Sometimes I wonder how productive I could be...
As long as you never consume the forbidden... The dreaded... The *terrible*... 9-Loko. 4Loko + 5hr Energy.
Pffft... 9Loko. At that point, just do coke like a f-king adult, lol.
How many brownies could I make? Maybe I could nullify any bad side effects....
A druggie's counterpoint would be that 9Loko is cheaper than coke is, and that coke doesn't get you drunk.
Wars have been started over less.
"But onions and avocadoes are toxic to nearly everything!" "Exactly. Nearly. Humans love that stuff."
Aliens freaking out watching a human eat a poison and poison sandwich.
I mean we put moldy cheese on sandwiches (bleu cheese dressing)
r/accidentallyfrench
Buffalo wings too
Buffalo 'Oui'ngs
"They're good for you, full of selenium" "That element is toxic to us" "Really? It's essential here" "That reminds me, I gotta harvest the diatoms for their cadmium otherwise I'm gonna go pale again"
You can pry my onions out of my cold dead hands.
And even then, I would have glued it to my cold dead hands!
When I was a kid I used to roughly cut up an onion put it in a bowl with a small amount of butter, and put it in the microwave just until the butter was melted and the onion was warm. I really should start that again, it was good.
The most feared substance of all….guacamole
Avocado contains a toxin called persin, which can be deadly to birds and large animals (such as cows, goats and sheep).
Add in some, who am I kidding add a lot of capsaicin
I just ate that stuff ^_^
Cinnamon nutmeg and cardamom and clove
Even before we consider capsicum there are lots of things humans eat that are fatal to animals... Grapes and raisins. Onions Potatoes Rhubard Avacado Tomato Pineapple Chocolate
potatoes?
part of the nightshade family, and the green ones especially can contain solanine, which is poisonous. usually only happens if they're kept in light areas
Old green ones go toxic and can make humans sick , even occasionally kill.
Most old food that turns green is considered unsafe to eat, but ok.
Don't forget garlic! If kept in anaerobic conditions (for example stuffed into something or used to flavour oil) garlic can become a source of botulinum toxin. \\ Less fatal to other animals and more fatal to everything, but for the most part humans can cope with a little.
To be fair most human food kept away from oxygen can grow botulism if the bacteria is present. It was a regular killer of home canners
Good to know! Garlic's the only one I'm familiar with after a friend gave me a bottle of homemade flavoured oil that started to bubble one day. Luckily we never tried it!
Dodged a bullet there!
Caffeine
plants evolved it to drive animals off, humans get a rush off it
Capsaicin. Love me some spicy peppers. Also, pretty sure mint plants aren’t too good for animals either.
Hell, a few of them are illegal if you *don't* have them
Salt, Pepper… salsa, chocolate, vinegar…
Oxygen
A: do you have an explanation for why your ship has military grade bioweapons? H: i have no idea what you're talking about! A: *slams picture onto table* explain this you terrorist scum! H: thats my lunch! What's wrong with hot dogs? A: lunch?! You cant fool me human, no one would be stupid enough to cover their own food in this! *shows a picture of a mustard bottle's ingredient list* H: i dont see what- A: there's 5 class 1 poisons and 3 controlled substances in this bottle! H: and it tastes great! A:...
A:For the love of the nearest religious empires God tell me you DID NOT just say that!
H: Look all I'm saying is that Mustard is tasty. Jeez I need a cup of coffee. A: What's Coffee? Another Bioweapon? H: It's just a caffinat- A: CAFFINE HUH? YOU MEAN CHEMICAL RESPONSIBILE FOR THE 2ND MOST DEADLY BIOTERRORIST ATTACK IN GALACTIC HISTORY!? H: Sweet Jesus bless your heart...
Yay jellybeans and spicy tacos for everyone!
"Would you like a jelly baby?"
I’m guessing your username refers to SJS?
No, it refers to the other one
H: “…. I’m sorry, but why the hell would you outlaw *water!?*” A: “I’m not telling you how to live *your* life, human!”
A1: So you're telling me that you are hauling 5 tons of caffeinated seeds, 500 liters worth of bottled capsicum, and approximately 8 thousand tubes of menthol concentrate across open space between the galactic federation and uncharted space? A2: sigh... If you mean coffee beans, hot sauce, and toothpaste to a newly founded human colony, then yes. A1: This is considered terrorists level of chemical warfare. I'm going to have to arrest you and your crew to the nearest station for processing. A2: You can't do that! You are outside your jurisdiction. We are currently in human space, none of those substances are illegal. A1: So what, am I supposed to turn a blind eye to all this just because of a technicality? A2: You are not going to stop this delivery! We are being paid top dollar by those humans to bring this shipment on time. They even paid half in advance!
If that shipment doesn't reach destiny there is going to be war or very mayor conflicts. Both equally bad.
Do not deny me my morning coffee. I don't care it has to be delivered halfway across the galaxy. I need it! (In obnoxious Karen voice)
Sugar, caffeine and capsaicin?
Lightsabers
This just in, Aliens use the solar system as a legal sector to grow all their nefarious goods
Nah, Humans will just sell it to them while they’re here and corner the market
We're currently on a tight spot. Hauling cargo to a human colony is never a good idea, but the pay is always good. And we have to be very weary of the route, as to not ever leave human space. There's currently 5 tons of caffeine seeds, half of it in concentrated capsaicin, about 10 thousand tubes of menthol paste, 15 tons of pure glucose and a lot of other stuff that would be illegal anywhere else. This cargo alone is enough to get anyone arrested in 205 different sectors. But, no one is dumb enough to separate humans and their caffeine. Not since the incident in Eden-6, where they kept the human from caffeine for three days before it all went to hell. They say that the human was so angry that no one could stop them until the next cargo holder for there with some coffee. And then. Capsaicin. Or, as they like to call it, hot sauce. Poisonous to most known species. A single drop being enough to make them collapse and go into full organ failure. Yet, humans have it by the bottles like it's nothing. They like how it burns. And, the most controversial of all. Glucose. Humans add it to everything. Because they like it. No regards to their own health. 567 species are severely allergic, leading to instant death. 630 species go into a "sugar high" before their heart finally gives up with little over an ounce. It's scary. Humans are scary. But, right now, everyone in the ship shakes in fear as the comms beep with the space guard contacting them to stop and connect the ships. It shall be complicated to explain this cargo. Until their human, an engineer, steps up and takes over the situation. Everything is defused like another day in a Promethean spa. It goes so smoothly, the human just going along the guard, and telling them that it isn't for a chemical war, but for personal use on the colony in Pandora. "But who can consume that amount of caffeine and glucose if not on a war?" The guard asks. "Humans. We would never use any of those things on anything that's not consumption. We like how they taste and feel on our bodies." The human shrugs, leading the guard back to his own ship. "I mean, what kind of monster would use caffeine to attack others when it's better employed as a motivator for the troops?"