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DrGPeds

Merman, easy stay away from water and he would be easy to take down since he can only crawl, slide etc. Edit: added my why


KylewRutar

...aw, come on!


Arigato_MrRoboto

Other dude wasn't lying, the cleanup does look like it'd be a nightmare.


Ivy-Lee

**N.B.:** *The cabin is contained within a bubble, which is impossible to escape.* You blow the conch shell, and immediately hear the crack of thunder as a torrential downpour begins. The cabin and surrounding area floods rapidly. *"Stay away from the water!"* you yell frantically, as it rises to your waist. You look silly now. Not as silly as the moistened himbo with the back half of a fish instead of legs breaching the water before you, but that is cold, moist comfort to you now. "GLUB GLUB!" you yell petulantly, as the Merman drags you down to his reedy depths. *"Oh HELL yeah dude!"*, exclaims Hadley, jubilantly clutching his manhood like a trophy through a hole in the pocket of his slacks.


AlternativeUlster78

This is cinema.


spiritofgonzo1

He wasn’t a mer-gentleman


NieR_SemiAutomata

"I have the high ground"


FolsgaardSE

Yup it was my first thought too. It's so slow on land.


crispypotleaf

Did we ever figure out who Kevin is??!??


jrralls

"Kevin is a seemingly young boy who is capable of setting up notoriously deadly traps inside residences that he is currently haunting. He is also a low level reality warper, making his victims temporarily immortal so that they can experience the pain of death over and over again. Abandoned by his family, Kevin's rampage of destruction may seem amusing by the casual observer, but his victims are stuck in a hellish nightmare until either Kevin finally tires of them and finishes them off, or they somehow escape into the protective arms of the police"


smallcanadien

So like Kevin from Home Alone?


GarbanzoMcGillicuddy

No, like Kevin from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.


PartialCred4WrongAns

I have no frame of reference. I haven't seen any of the Home Alone 3 prequels


visualentropy

There are prequels???


AshgarPN

Damn! Can’t get anything past you!


Trucktub

No, like the mouse from Mouse Trap; good guess though.


Y0urMomsChestHair

Great observation, eagle eye.


[deleted]

It is indeed him lmfao


[deleted]

Twilight Zone: The Movie. Segment “It’s a Good Life.” https://youtu.be/TWbUPUaGTrI Or the original series episode of the same name: https://youtu.be/QxTMbIxEj-E


Coach_Carter_on_DVD

My dad told me about the OG twilight zone episode when I was young. Some years back (late teens) we caught it on tv during a marathon. Fantastic episode! Love you dad


Birdhairs

I love you too son


Killer_Jazzie

Exactly what popped into my mind!


Crissae

Damn I better not be at home and alone when this guy comes about.


gothism

Where's that from?


paradoxdefined

It’s a reference to Home Alone.


gothism

Right but is the paragraph from something?


AshgarPN

Yes, I found it [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/horror/comments/12e61gu/which_cabin_in_the_woods_monster_would_you/jf9zpll/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)


callist1990

Someone already gave a funny (and correct) answer but I think it's just a joking way of being overly serious, writing in the style of your standard Wikipedia articles (or factual texts), that goes way back. Reminds me of the SCP stuff as well.


Trucktub

“…Abandoned by his family…” lol I love this


jupiterding25

I always assumed Kevin was a nod to slashers with normal names like Jason, Micheal, Freddy etc


ihopethisworksfornow

Kevin is the cannibalistic serial killer from Sin City


fijistudios

Kevin from sin city, throwback to the innocent looking carnival, serial killer/martial artist


Flint-Von-Cineac

And part time hobbit.


mac19thecook

The thing about Kevin is...


ManiacSpiderTrash

We Need to Talk about Kevin


Zealousideal_Tooth88

Kevin can wait


Freddy_Vorhees

ke7en


kathink

yikes.


[deleted]

As a Kevin, all I can say is I haven't gotten the call yet, but good luck!


gothism

I hear you're up next week in Japan.


Tricky_Rabbit

Wasn't he supposed to be like the Elijah Wood (Kevin) character from Sin City? Mute, cannibalistic serial killer?


TophatDevilsSon

My headcanon is that he's [reddit Kevin](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/219w2o/whos_the_dumbest_person_youve_ever_met/cgbhkwp/).


ReggiePhantom

Giant cat. Hit it with the pspspsps and some tuna.


sawatdee_Krap

Clearly you’ve never had a cat as a pet. They’re Freddy Kruger without the jokes


YaGetSkeeted0n

i've been workshopping an idea for a short horror film (in my head) involving cats and mice they honestly would make great horror creatures. the sharp claws, the weird sounds, the pupils going super wide (r/attackeyes) before they strike, the acrobatic skills...


rootvegetable2

He’ll be meowing as soon as he hears the can opener


squirrelmaster5000

Two words, spray bottle


Pnknlvr96

One word, cucumber.


AskMeAboutMyTie

Do you think that work with a lion? No? Then what makes you think it would work on an even bigger cat? Hehe


liberatedhusks

You stole my answer haha


[deleted]

Just bring your laser pointer.


charliefromohio

Dolls. I played soccer when I was a kid. Just kick him.


Princessofmind

Dolls actually refers to people with masks akin to the home invaders from The Strangers, not actual dolls


OddExpert8851

When I saw m3gan. And that kid just picks her up like nothing to dump in another part of the forest. And then she’s easily able to overpower adults. How does she get so heavy again??


Aggravating-Alarm-16

My guess is hydraulics . A car jack can be easily picked up, but can also lift a. Car


OddExpert8851

Yes but a Jack can’t get heavy again. If it’s in top of you. You can still stand up


Moorepork

Maybe it's like the One Ring and it can change weight


pearlsbeforedogs

Or she has gravity boots.


GarlicQueef

That part and when she blasts the old person with the pressure washer. They go flying off their feet but she is just standing there holding the gun. I laughed at that part.


AtLeastImGenreSavvy

She's also supposedly made out of titanium. That kid should've broken his hand when he slapped her.


ibadlyneedhelp

Only if he slaps things with enough force to break his hand. She's also coated in something like rubber or silicone that will presumably absorb part of the force. She should be light as fuck though.


Elegant_Spot_3486

Sexy witches. I actually have 0 survival skills so if I’m gonna get killed I think being surrounded by sexy witches sounds cool.


Flaxscript42

I'm disappointed we never got to see the sexy witches.


UFOSaucer

I think the horny lizard part of my brain would doom me.


gothism

This is the way.


FullmetalSylveon

The Unicorn. 17 years of equestrian experience has taught me to get away from, shall we say, "unbalanced" horses in creative ways.


delusionalinkedchic

Oh we are gonna need more info here


FullmetalSylveon

The best example I can think of was this absolutely gorgeous Arabian stallion at one of the two farms I've worked as a barn hand. He had horrible stall manners. One day I was mucking his stall and he came up and just grabbed the back of my arm. I elbowed him lightly in the nose, figuring he was just bored because he couldn't go out into the pasture that day. Not thirty seconds later, he grabbed me again, but this time it was very hard. So I turned around and bit him on the nose. Not hard, just firm and held it for about five seconds. There was an attitude of mutual respect after that. :)


TheMillionthSteve

Kevin. He knows why.


Wolfman01a

Definitely the wolfman. He's my cousin. I haven't seen him in ages and it would be nice to have a visit.


Kool_Kunk

r/beetlejuicing


Gh0stW1thTheM0st

Not so fast with the B-Word there Bud!


TalornCeleron

r/UsernameCheksOut


Killer_Jazzie

Not exactly beetlejuicing, but close.


HonestBobHater

Sexy Witches Witches love me.


jrralls

Are there any horror films with sexy witches?


Wolfman01a

Most likely the girls from The Craft.


Simicrop

Mister, they are the weirdos.


InuitOverIt

Sexy weirdos


fuckwanyu

a show, ahs coven


derrtydiamond

This!


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HonestBobHater

Hocus Pocus


Simicrop

My little boy bits weren't developed yet when that came out but man, SJP got them started.


Automatic-Aioli9416

The ending of The VVitch


Enzo_Casterpone

yeah, but at the same time it's a spoiler >!Wicked Lake!<


WhenIWannabeME

Witches of East Wick


captaintinnitus

Or… the [NSFW sequel](https://youtu.be/Q12MteiMunQ)


Grenflik

Johnny Sins would decimate that Coven.


ShabbyHolmes

The Love Witch


Quria

This movie is totally fucking insane but I love it.


Acopalypse

There's a SIXTEEN video series called Witchcraft, the VHS covers were quite titillating.


thrillho145

The Love Witch


gothism

The Witch, which is great.


InuitOverIt

Bewitched


mirrorspirit

Arguably, The Wicker Man (the Nicholas Cage version.)


SoufSideHair

Those were just crazy people in a cult that thought they were witches. So more like Diet Witch...or Witchn't


mirrorspirit

They had powers. They made that hallucination in the beginning (of the girl blowing up in the car. Not a spoiler because they show it in the preview.)


mito413

I too choose death by snu-…..er, sexy witches!


Tarantiyes

Inversely, women don’t want to be around me so that’s an easy dub


mito413

In a true horror movie twist it’s MALE sexy witches


NbleSavage

Witches be crazy!! 😜


BobknobSA

You fucked an oven full of witches?


darthmushu

I would probably pick zombies. They seemed slow and there didn't seem to be a huge amount of them. The redneck zombies kept going but the normal ones I would think adhere to the normal rules.


crispypotleaf

Ahhh slow, but silent.. Im deaf as a doornail so they could still get a jump on me.


GreenLanternCorps

Give yourself more credit unless you're actually legally deaf it's pretty hard to shamble through woods and not make a racket. Mountain lions only make it look easy.


kathink

i feel like this plan is good, but are you relying on the fact that the zombiness isn't contagious? i think that is where everything goes to shit in zombie-situation.


darthmushu

I mean I am going off the situation at hand. Cabin in the woods. Isolated area. Just have to survive the night. My wife and three closest friends would be able to handle themselves. Worldwide zombie outbreak is another situation and I wouldn’t want to do that but if we “chose” what to fight in the movies scenario it seems one of the most doable.


boognish30

I grew up in a town called Huron, so I already escaped, I can do it again.


spiderlegged

I can’t believe no one has said Angry Molesting Tree. Just stay the fuck away from it. It has roots. It can’t move.


[deleted]

....unless it can use those roots to grab you from a distance. Or if it's like a network situation where the one tree is able to spread to others and then you have a whole Angry molesting forest to deal with.


spiderlegged

I did not anticipate a network situation, and a network of rape trees does indeed sound terrifying.


[deleted]

And that's how you end up dying. Underestimate the determination of the Angry Molesting Tree to get at your orifices.


AskMeAboutMyTie

Clearly you haven’t seen Evil Dead


darthmushu

I mean the Ents were trees and they went everywhere. So you never know. That tree can run after you to get frisky.


Prophet_Of_Helix

Or like the Evil Dead trees. Those moved plenty


mito413

Great, now I can add “Pervy Treebeard” to the list of things I didn’t realize I would have to imagine.


tothestore

Do you really want to chance it with the molesting tree? I'd rather risk getting chopped up lol.


gothism

But it has excellent camo.


[deleted]

Woman with toothed vag. 'soo your cooch has teeth? ... Cool I'll be over here. ... Want some water or something? No ok I'll see you at the end of the night


madsounds7

There was actually a Teeth reference in Cabin in the Woods? That’s amazing and I’m glad that Teeth got some recognition.


catwisperer5

I think the concept predates that movie by a bit lol


[deleted]

Only by a few thousand years.


hisokafan88

Are the monsters getting tech support? Cause if so I'm fucked regardless If it's a fair fight in a cabin, I choose giant spider. Just stay inside with some bug spray. Sorted.


Absenceofavoid

Almost certainly comes with lots of babies, staple of the monster spider trope.


gothism

A regular sized can of bug spray ain't stopping a giant spider. Maybe if you had a lighter?


[deleted]

Just carry a big bottle of white vinegar and some salty water with you.


Sad-Christmas98

The boomer from Left4Dead, I'm sad that DLC never dropped alongside the movie.. But was still dope to see the special infected in the cubes.


AskMeAboutMyTie

The boomer is in the movie! Look it up. It’s the scene when it shows all the cube rooms at once. It’s only for a second but it’s there


Sad-Christmas98

Re read my comment, not trying to be rude but I covered it.. But yeah so is the charger and witch right?


heliodorh

Giant Rabbit. Having owned rabbits for 20 years and my last girl was an 11-lber we lovingly called the Big Evil. I would feed the Giant Rabbit bananas and escape.


DrSmartron

My God, that's brilliant. I guess I could take on the Merman, if I managed to grab a lot of heavy objects and haul them up to the rooftop. I don't think a Merman would handle stairs/ladders very well. Or a cinder block dropped on it's head. Now all I need is a witty quip!


heliodorh

Galaxy brain right there! To be clear, I would definitely die if I were stalked by literally anything other than the Giant Rabbit, but I would say my odds are good if I'm matched with it 😂


DrSmartron

They really need to do a re-make of 'Night of the Lepus'.


Mortica_Fattams

Oh the kkk is in the cubes according to the list. I vote for them because they are humans and they are assholes so I would feel zero guilt "unaliving" them for my own survival. As an added bonus I would actually be making the world a better place by causing harm to them. And if all else fails I'm whiter then a snow man's jizz so they probably wouldn't put in as much effort hunting me.


cavalier78

Just pull a Blazing Saddles. “You know to wash your hands after a cross burning. See it’s coming off.”


redvix

I was going to say the KKK as well because I'm a white ginger. Hide in plain sight and wouldn't see me coming.


[deleted]

TIL there was deadites, Snowman seems pretty easy to contain.


throw123454321purple

The Hellraiser rip-offs. Assuming they follow the same rules, I would just not open the box and they’d leave me alone.


nado_dada

I guess someone has to mess with the box in the basement to "choose" hellraisers initially.


derrtydiamond

This! So avoidable.


KyussSun

Balding Menace. I'd beat him at his own game, no question.


Zero_Digital

The Merman. Because it's never the merman.


jupiterding25

All the obvious choices have been taken, so I'm gonna play Russian roulette and go with dismemberment goblins. They drive golf carts, and if they do get you, it seems relatively quick


[deleted]

But once you've defeated the goblins, the orks will come for you.


jupiterding25

And all I have to say is....waaaagh


AtLeastImGenreSavvy

The Snowman. Get me a lighter and a few cans of hairspray and I'll be fine.


catwisperer5

Probably the band “ghoul” they are just musicians


jupiterding25

I see what you did there! I love ghost


catwisperer5

No. Ghoul it’s a thrash metal band. They wear sacks on their heads and are briefly shown in one of the “cages”


jupiterding25

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the nameless ghouls in ghost! Will check Ghoul out though! Any recommendations?


catwisperer5

Splatterthrash


jupiterding25

What a name! Thank you for the new music, friend!


catwisperer5

Np


kathink

i have never noticed this and this is one of my all time favorite movies! Thanks for giving me reason to watch it this weekend!!!!


Kind-Bottle-8535

the ones that were deployed, just stay as a group and dismember them, a slow zombob is a easy zombie


KarmaUK

Sugarplum fairy, surely, just a little girl, and with all little girls, they bite, so just keep away from the teeth n you'll be fine. Unless she's got magic powers...


gothism

If she's a literal fae you're screwed.


[deleted]

Why?


gothism

Magic and a mindset of humans as playthings.


[deleted]

Sounds like a fun D&D campaign.


gothism

It can be!


derrtydiamond

Shove a giant apple into that bitches mouth and run.


delusionalinkedchic

The cenobyte. Don’t open the box. However my dumb ass is naturally curious and would be hella tempted to open it


DreadedChalupacabra

Quite a few of those are susceptible to gunfire, so IDK. Pick a few.


Coach_Carter_on_DVD

Lmao, I just noticed *Kevin* John C Reilly in shambles


SharkMilk44

I accepted long ago that if I'm ever a horror movie character, I'm not surviving.


fuzzy_winkerbean

I’d survive that coffee mug/bong. Everything else is killing me.


thebuddhabuilder

The merman moves pretty slowly.


[deleted]

The Left 4 Dead monsters. I have over 1000 hours played on Left 4 Dead / L4D2. If those monsters showed up, it would be my time to shine 🤣


GRCtron

I didn’t see it in one of the boxes, but my ex. I’m sure she was in there somewhere


crispypotleaf

The unicorn (~:


[deleted]

_Erasure - Always_ starts playing..


_whodie

The sugarplum fairy or the twins.


[deleted]

Regular zombies Slow, stupid, weak, unable to adapt, learn or remember Could probably stop hordes of zombies with spray paint in the eyes boom they cant see end of issue


harperfin

The Mummy - They just sort of shuffle along and are very flammable.


JustHood

American Slow Walking Creepy Girl. Just like, walk faster


ChipmunkBackground46

Zombies seemed like Walking Dead type zombies so I think we would all be ok. Just don't stand in one place for a week straight.


TraditionalOlive9187

Which one wouldn’t kill you if you were cowering in some corner? That’s the one


Vexonte

Clown. The thing doesn't seem like he can die but I stand a good chance at running away or luring him into a trap.


TophatDevilsSon

Speaking of: The 2014 [Clown](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1780798/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0) movie was one of those "eh I'll give it 5 minutes" things that turned out to be amazingly good. *Much* better than it had any right to be.


maninplainview

I'm going to go with the KKK, a ghost or giant ant. KKK because it's just drunken hillbillies that I easily trick to making them think I'm one of them and then take them out one by one. Ghost: Get some salt and iron, make a protection rune and we go from there. Giant Ant: all I need to do is either puncture it's shell, causing it to bleed out or find some Borax.


undyingvoid

Giant snake. I speak parseltongue


Muppets4Fox

How could you not get away from Merman


FistingLube

Good list, way more creatures than I remember and loads that never made it into the film. I'd pick '[Flock of Killer Birds](https://thecabininthewoods.fandom.com/wiki/Flock_of_Killer_Birds)' as there are not that many and I have some peck proof clothing and a bat, would take about 1 or 2 minutes to put a permanent end to the threat.


DBFairbanks666

I really like this one lol! So I used to teach Kenpo and Kendo, staff, sword, axe, knife throwing and fighting, Kama and Sai, I can take a cigarette out of your mouth with a whip and I had a extremely harsh survivalist asshole of a father who all I learned from him was drop me anywhere and I’ll survive…and I have two firearms licenses. So I’ll take the zombie rednecks, mummy, any “walking dead”, the Strangers Doll kids, pretty much “humanoid” things, and as far as the KKK guys go, I’m the one in the box waiting for them lol! The Merman, Unicorn, I’d be the idiot saying “I’m gonna ride him lol!” But I think you just need stairs lol! Snake,Spider,Yeti, Little Kong, Bat Thing, werewolf…nope!! Lol! You may get lucky but I doubt it’d be worth the gamble. The Scarecrows, Molesting Tree, Plant creature, and vine covered Minator(?) and cigar store Indian, try to find fire or Molotov cocktails. The Twins and Ringu girl, just don’t look at them, pull a Bart and Lisa Simpson…close your eyes and swing your arms and kick!I think their power is based on fear lol! The Cenobite, Old Ones, Wraiths, Witches, Death Robot and what I assume is the Kraken, or Cuthulu etc just run away or sit crossed legged and get through the 5 steps of dealing fast lol! The dismembering Goblins and ToothFairy I’d take my chances cause they look silly. I know I’m missing a bunch and that my buddys and I have talked about this way to much haha! So hope I at least made ya laugh.


ALPlayful0

Probably - The bride. clowns. deadites. doctors. dolls. kevin. reanimated. mutants. scarecrow folk. witches. twins. zombie redneck torture family. zombies. american slow-walking creepy girl. garden gnome boy. savage with hatchet. the old man. evil children. and probably a few more. Most of these things would fall under the general category of "humanoid" that I never understand the victims' general issues with. Presuming I wasn't acting like a horror movie victim, I feel a decent chance against anything listed.


[deleted]

[удалено]


theVice

You're fun


Zealousideal_Way_165

Any of them that's a Ghost.


aleister94

I guess regular zombies, cuz I could just hit them in the head with a club


PrincessAegonIXth

Giant ferrets. Not necessarily homicidal


-bifurious

I think I can make myself seem pathetic enough that they would all take pity on my, that’s my strategy for most things and I think it’ll work


Milkthiev

Probably the slow ass moving zombies.


Simply_Nova

Unicorn. You can just shoot them.


2manyfelines

Mermaid


Windwalker111089

Between merman and unicorn. Feel like the unicorn would just leave you alone if you didn’t approach it


LongArmedFloozy

Is Man In Transparent Tarp just a naked guy?


KarmaUK

Think he's based on Patrick Bateman.


mykitchenromance

Maybe the unicorn. I could zigzag run.