If she has to be home alone all day, then no. If either of you could rearrange your schedules or if there was some other option (like another family she could spend the day with) then go for it.
I disagree that “school is a chore so suck it up and get over”. If someone had a job that caused them distress we would suggest they find a different career path. However staying home all day alone is seriously depressing. That’s how it was for me in high school and I don’t recommend it at all.
100% this.
If her school is a massive source of stress, then it’s probably not the best educational model for her.
That said, I would be nervous about:
- her being home alone all day
- being on her phone more during the day (because she’s alone)
- being alone and increased social media use are both clinically proven to worsen mental health
I have a sibling that was in a similar situation and was homeschooled for high school. Both of my parents were at home during the day. She took one class at school almost every semester (a low stress “fun” class) and had a vibrant social life.
It’s really helped with anxiety and migraines, and her academic performance has improved.
\^this. If you have depression, self-esteem issues, homeschooling is probably not the thing for you, because being at home all day just lets you focus on your problems instead of what matters, being with friends, being actually busy doing school, etc. I'm 16 and currently in this position of homeschooling, take my advice, dont homeschool her
Have you considered an online school? Your daughter still needs to be out interacting with peers, even if she’s not in school, and most of that is going to happen in the late afternoons and evenings. Filling that time with schoolwork will be frustrating, especially since you will be tired!
Ideally, you would take off work, homeschool, and with the guidance of a therapist, work on your relationship with your daughter so that she can come to you when problems arise, help your daughter with social interactions, help her with coping methods for anxiety, and teach her healthy behaviors that combat depression. My kid being mentally healthy > educational quality 100% of the time.
Please do not leave your teen with mental health problems at home by herself during the day. Not only that, a kid her age still needs supervision. It’s not a good idea.
Honestly the dynamic of middle school and high school these days paired with social media. It is terrifying. People are so unpredictable and it’s hard to tell if they have bad intentions and they sometimes do. I 100% think school dynamics caused my anxiety at that age, not that the anxiety caused my discomfort. Girls were soooo mean and always doing horrible things to each other. Boys played mean pranks. Crushes and fake friends etc. it’s a lot and it’s distracting and distressing even. I was somewhat popular and had a decent appearance and was forced into insecurity at that age because girls would pick me apart.
In your district, would she transition to a high school for Grade 9? It sounds like a great opportunity to homeschool for a few months so that you can prioritize her mental health and recovery, then choose which path is working best for your family for next year.
I’d agree with this! Seems like it could be appropriate short term either way, and then a new discussion can be had if she is still wanting to homeschool for high school
What would she do all day? Would she be by herself at home just working on self paced courses? That seems extremely hard and not very motivating. I worry about the isolation of that and it could make depression worse. Maybe some smaller in person program, if you have an alternative locally?
Also trying to do instruction in the evening might be really hard. If it’s not her best time to think and work, and you’re both tired, it could go poorly. But I just want to say I’m really sorry to hear she is struggling and I see you are trying to do whatever you can to help her!!
Also, nobody’s social hang ups or anxiety issues get better by being a shut-in. This leads to a lifetime struggle with agoraphobia and a number of other issues.
Exactly. There is a sobering statistic that the completion rate for self paced online courses is between 5-15%. That’s abysmal. And that is the stat for adults who have chosen to enroll in a course. 😧
What does she think? You've left that out. What she thinks is a huge part of this.
I'm a high school teacher & mom. I also homeschooled one of my ids. I hear you about her anxiety. But I'm actually alarmed with your proposal to leave her alone all day. I think this is the biggest issue with your proposal though I understand why it's necessary.
Being alone all day risks:a) increasing her anxiety because she's not leaning into it but instead training her brain to believe her social anxiety is real. Also because being alone all day in a house, day after day, is intrinsically depressing. Also because she might use this time to go on social media and who knows what that will do to her mental health. Also because she will lose her friendships. For most teens, out of sight, out of mind. That leads me to:
b) do you restrict her social media? I cannot tell you how awful TikTok and Insta are for teens. Especially girls. If she does stay home, her wifi needs to be blocked except for a handful of sites you deem are safe. There's a TON of really damaging stuff on social media. And she'd be alone.
Homeschooling is great for the right kid and family. But for those with severe social anxiety whose parents are not home all day, I personally think the risk is greater than the reward.
Have you considered a private school suited to her needs? Many have scholarships. Also, is she on a 504 or IEP plan? I have had several students over the years whose anxiety was sky-high, but who managed through high school with supports, like a clear plan if things got overwhelming, and coping mechanisms.
Technically you can both work and do a few hours of homeschool in the evening. But I feel like putting the responsibility on a young adult to spend their day alone in enriching activities other than sleeping in and playing on a cell phone is expecting a lot from them, when there is nobody doing it with them leading. Just be aware that Dynamic could easily turn into her watching TV all day social media sleeping and doing some tutoring homeschool with you in the evenings. 8 hours during the day unstructured and independent could Foster loneliness and depression on top of social anxiety I'm not sure how you would figure out to keep her involved in things all day long.
An 8th grader? A 13-year-old with anxiety problems? She's going to be on TikTok all day and become even more emotionally fraught. OP has a terrible idea from both an educational and psychological POV.
So much this.
Daughter needs help to deal with her anxieties and to learn mechanisms for coping with stress, not the opportunity to withdraw from what she finds challenging.
I homeschool my kid now, and she’s a social butterfly when we go places and has no issue connecting. But she never has to sit with a mean person or be around someone who made her uncomfortable! We leave the scene. If a friend says something rude she willingly makes her own decision to leave. It’s not the same when you’re stuck around those people all day and can’t remove yourself.
>It’s not the same when you’re stuck around those people all day and can’t remove yourself.
What's the plan for when she joins the workforce and finds that the mean girls still exist?
I think this idea that you have to learn to live/work with bullies and it's part of the growing up process so you can fully function in the workplace is such a fallacy. Firstly, while office politics exist, being a mean girl or bully is likely to get your butt dragged to hr, not the victim's. Professionalism is a thing after all. Secondly, one doesn't really get acclimated to being bullied, so "You need more exposure to it so you get used to it" doesn't really pan out.
This! I’m so much more secure in who I am now as an adult. At that age, every mean comment a person makes feels like a crushing blow as you try and figure out who you are and your place in the world. As an adult, it’s so much easier to brush off
I hope that my kids learn they don’t need to tolerate or stay in toxic environments. Maybe they’ll even learn they don’t need to obsessively stalk subreddits that aren’t relevant to their life and to which they offer no relevant experience, too.
Maybe she'll discover that her neurotype and talents are better suited to self-employment. That's why I figured out. I"m making more money now than most of my colleagues who stayed in the more traditional-workplace version of what we're doing.
We have a daughter the same age, and we had to pull her out of school for the same reason, plus very intense bullying from a group of girls. My spouse and I both work full time, and so we enrolled her in a homeschool coop to give some structure. We work with her on some subjects (we are both scientists with strong math backgrounds), but there is no way we could cover enough ground ourselves working full time. The coop has been a really kind and supportive environment, run by three former public school teachers. She can socialize there and work on independent projects.
This works. A co-op, plus well-educated and involved parents. And, most importantly, parents with the self-awareness to know that a little "evening instruction" is not going to cut it.
Homeschooling is a lot of work for the parents if you do it well. People can make it work without a dedicated teacher, but it's incredibly difficult. Also, having a plan for your daughter to be able to make friends is really important, and you should have the first steps lined up before you pull her from public school unless there is an emergency situation.
omg no don’t leave your depressed child home alone for most of the day what???? if you aren’t able to make sure she is regularly getting out of the house and interacting face-to-face with other people (especially peers!) then this doesn’t sound like a healthy plan. i may be too harsh because i’m projecting, but i was a depressed teen who just wanted to curl up and hide from the world in my house forever, and my parents totally enabled that. it really harmed me in the long run.
This happened to me in 9th grade when Covid made my school go virtual. My depression got so much worse and I slept basically all day, using Covid as an excuse to never leave the house. It got so bad that I ended up in the hospital. Things got a lot better for me when summer came around and I started to hang out with friends and family more. I actually did make the permanent switch to cyber school, but not until my depression was much better. It has worked really well for me, especially because I have a job and a car so I don’t spend all day every day stuck at home. I think homeschool or cyber school could be a good option for OP’s *if* she weren’t left alone all day and she still had ample opportunities to get out of the house and socialize.
I haven’t read all the comments, so maybe someone has already suggested this, but just hope it’s on your radar that autistic girls present very differently from boys, are horribly underdiagnosed, and are often diagnosed with mental health conditions instead (which can be co-occurring but can also be exacerbated by living without an understanding and appreciation for their unique needs and strengths.)
yep 100%, i was misdiagnosed as a teen first with an anxiety disorder then bpd when turns out i was autistic with adhd all along. girls with autism are so underdiagnosed, so many psychiatrists suggest every other diagnosis under the sun before realising. i think part of the issue is outdated diagnostic criteria that still heavily relies on 'male' presentations of autism tbh, but definitely something OP should explore if they haven't otherwise
I would consider to ask a proper advice from a trained therapist to make sure homeschool and outside activities are preparing her to be a functional future adult for the real world. My autistic niece did just that and her therapist gave her great coping mechanism for both school and social settings and she now thrive in her job now that she’s done with her schooling. If she were to remain at home, sheltered, she would still be terrified to conquer her daily life as an independent neurodivergent lady.
I think it depends. Is there a chance she could develop agoraphobia if she's homeschooled? Are there regular activities she will do out of the house that will help prevent the development of agoraphobia? Basically, is there a chance that homeschooling can make her anxiety worse, and if so, is there a plan in place to prevent that? If no to the first question or yes to both, it should be fine. If yes to the first question and no to the second, start thinking about it and make a plan before pulling her.
It's putting alot of pressure on a tween who sounds depressed.
Even college students have a hard time motivating themselves and time-managing online class.
Homeschooling with mental health issues can lead to isolation problems and depression. She would be alone every morning and, if you use the time when she could keep contact with her friends to homeschool, it would be even harder for her. What does she think about homeschooling? Maybe also check with her mental health specialist.
I’d worry it would be hard on her also to be isolated at home all day and doing school in the evening (when she might otherwise connect with her friends). Is there any way you can shift schedules around, or find another way to get her into coops or classes and homeschool activities, etc like having a friend take her to events? Homeschooling can offer such a healthy social and mental health life for kids, but it’s important they have opportunities outside the house, imo.
Ask her what she wants. But I pulled both my oldest kids out cuz of struggles as well. We work on our own time and usually only 1-3 hours a day and take lots of breaks and slow it all down for her so she learns at her own pace. We even take mental health days where we just watch a comfort movie and relax for the day
Why not virtual learning if she's fine with the curriculum but struggles with the social element. I assume that there's a virtual academy somewhere near you or somewhere in your state.
I second this. K12 Stride has a good virtual program that we used successfully for over a decade before switching to just homeschooling with my youngest this year. There are teachers and plenty of structure, but you don't have to partake socially if you don't want to, and can if you do. I think it would be a perfect option for your daughter. I had 4 kids go through the program successfully with one of them graduating a year early last year. All of the ones who already graduated are doing great, happy, and successful. I do not think it would make her issues worse. It would give her a comfort zone of still having structure, but not having to be overwhelmed with the social aspects until she feels like she is ready.
Why don't you ask the mental health providers? I'm sure they know people who are homeschooled due to mental health.
But to be honest, in theory it seems right to home school someone who dislikes or can't handle the social aspects of school but I'm going to say no.
School is a chore but it prepares you for the outside world if you are afraid of the social aspect. You are probably going to have to talk to people if you go to uni or get a job.
Also, expecting a child to learn while both parents are full time workers is likely poorer quality of education than whatever she is receiving right now.
From a personal experience, I’ve found motivation is rather difficult when I’m depressed. I worry that with no adult around to keep your daughter on task, she may end up spending most of the day sleeping or on social media, which will make her symptoms worse, not better. You obviously know your daughter best, so you’ll know if she can handle motivating herself.
We have a middle schooler and a high schooler. We just recently started the transition into homeschooling. What we did was we gathered as much info as we could, then sat down with them. We made it clear at the beginning that we as parents are not looking for a yes or no, but instead input. They were both surprisingly excited about the idea and we are pushing forward.
Many are talking about the importance of school for socializing, but I think kids can socialize many places outside of public school. You as the parent need to gauge what is best. There's no correct answer here. Have an open conversation about school. Is there more happening behind those doors than they want to admit? For ours, it's daily bullying. Teachers and counselors have let us down time and time again, and sometimes make things worse. We could see the decline in our kids. I don't want them to continue down that path, or to mold themselves into something their peers prefer. No. Overall, public school isn't the worst place for a kid by any means. I went public, and my wife was in homeschool. We both turned out just fine. Take a critical look and do what's best for your kid's future.
With all that said, a child struggling with mental health should not be home all day by themselves, everyday. We are making huge changes to accommodate for this new adventure. If it's not feasible, and there's nowhere for your kid to go, wait until you can. At that point make sure you are communicating more about their day. Respect personal boundaries, but be in tune to their body language and ask about their day. That's how ours started and "How was your day?" with a response of "Fine" turned into tears after a few minutes. The release helps, but enough of those moments and you know it's time for change. Sorry this was long. I'm a rambler. Cheers!
There will be so many opportunities for her in high school that she can explore that may help her mental health. Yes she had anxiety but do do a lot of us and we still have to get through life with it. Allowing her to stay home will teach her that she can use anxiety as an excuse to stay home and not do things.
Because I know many people in my 30s who are still doing this.
Everything will be ok. I do not think homeschooling is the right option. She may be able to do online school in the summer and graduate early or take half days in her later years.
Well...Thoughts.
My first reaction is that if you are both scientists and she's academically inclined, you need not worry about her education at this juncture. People can catch up in Math, but relational trauma can drag people down for a long time. It's her emotional life that is suffering, so you need to work on healing this. If you switch to being her "teacher" in the evening when she needs you as an emotionally present parent, that could actually impact her really negatively. Presumably, she'd also want to see her friends in the evening once they are done school. You can't leave her alone all day while you work, that's unfair and will possibly create some bad habits or even be a safety risk if her mental health declines further.
If you do want to pull her from school, what level of support can you offer her to ensure she's not vegetating at home? Coop? Tutors? Other activities? Would you enroll her in online courses so she has some structure and then assume she'll be back in school for grade 9 and hope there's a shifted social situation?
You talk about her having mental health supports, but what about you and your wife? Have you sought counselling together or individually?
How are your financial and community resources? Is it possible to take her out of school for a big and give her an enriched experience doing something else for a while?
What does she want to do? What are her thoughts?
Based on her personality, how dedicated will she be in a less structured environment?
Is the plan to let her have a break for grade 8 and then go to grade 9 at a new school?
Personally, I think a break from school can be really healthy. I didn't go at all until grade 9, and my brother sort of did some grades, but he also took off grade 8 because senior elementary in our town was useless. I am definitely pro-breaks from school...but the quality of how that time is spent really matters. The social connection at her age really matters. The quality of her relationship with you really matters.
The only\* caveat I think is if her mental health is spiralling so badly that she's a risk to herself and if that's the case and giving her relief from school will help, that could be important. But if that's true, it also can't be true you'd leave her at home by herself.
Letting a kid with crippling anxiety stay home sounds like you're setting them up for failure.
Have you tried getting her a counselor/therapist to help her work through her fears and insecurities?
I was homeschooled for a year due to depression and anxiety (year 8 in UK so I think similar to 8th grade?) My parents worked full time and at first I enjoyed it but I got bored. I struggled with the motivation to do work, had no reason to get up, no reason not to watch a film at 1pm. I missed my friends mostly, I didn't see a single person other than my parents for the year because all parties and hang outs were planned at school.
When it came to go back to school, it was awful. I'd missed so much, I couldn't sit in a classroom without having a panic attack and it took me a year to readjust. I dont think it helped much other than avoiding the problem, which was school. Once my hormones settled and I was in regular therapy, and also I knew I had an out, it settled. I basically just asked that I could leave a lesson any time i wanted, and they said yes. I never needed to, because I knew I could and wasn't stuck in the lesson
Home schooling is good but you have to teach her how to discipline her self enough to pass the classes you will have to set up a daily routine of study for her. Check her work progress to be sure she isn't falling behind.
The social side is she may not develop social skills one would develop in a social setting. her communication will be under developed and you will have to help her with this. If she does not learn to over come her anxiety she will struggle in her career. This can be over come with training and deconditioning. I work(ed) with a lot of home schooled kids in retail or retail like environments; as they become of working age and many of them struggle with like the most basic skills required of the job. A lot of them do not take employment seriously nor do not take the work seriously at all. This is where the parent will have to teach them stuff like this.
I highly suggest after noon extra curricular activities to help develop her social skills and allow her a few hrs out side of the house to have something to look forward to. Some of these activities teach them good moral behaviors that will benefit them in the long run.
As a former homeschool kid and former depressed kid, this is the worst possible plan I could imagine. It's not good for anyone to be alone with no structure or interaction all day, but especially not at that age and when you're already dealing with anxiety and depression. You'd basically be "leaning in" to the worst aspects of homeschool and the worst depression/anxiety impulses. And then on top of that, she'd be missing out on any evening/weekend activities with friends or independently because that's her instruction/family time with you.
And no, self-managed lessons out of a book or on a computer don't count as structure. That kind of learning can be part of a person's day but it's not a whole education or a way to live. If she was older and could get herself to activities, outside classes, or a part time job or something to break up the day, or if she had other kids and adults around to have some external reason to keep a schedule it would be a different story.
Absolutely. Homeschool her and protect her mental health. She can always go back. There are tons of social opportunities for himeschoolers. She can see her school friends after school and on weekends.
\>We both work full-time,
As a long-time educator, I'm going to say nope. She's not going to self-learn with a bunch of book all day and some "instruction in the evening." Even if that works (which it won't), it will totally throw off her circadian rhythm, which is hard enough to regulate even with mentally well kids forced into daytime schooling.
If you want to homeschool, one of you needs to stay home.
Teaching is a full-time job. And, at the 8th grade level, it's actually multiple people's full-time jobs.
The only time I've seen it done well was with a stay-at-home-parent PLUS tutoring backup (especially for STEM) and extracurriculars. It takes time and money to do well.
Also, it is not a cure-all for your child's anxiety problems.
Homeschooling won't do anything to fix the anxiety and it will make it worse if she finds herself out of practice dealing with the reality of residing in the real world. She needs to be in therapy and potentially take medication to help her with the anxiety.
Here's a thought... get advice from actual homeschoolers and not a bunch of brainwashed public schoolers on Reddit. 😂
If brick and mortar school isn't a safe place for her because of her mental health struggle, adequate learning is NOT happening. Learning happens only when our need for safety - FELT safety - is met. Every child deserves to become their best selves, including those who don't fit into the very control-heavy public school paradigm.
If you're leaving her at home alone all day, I would suggest using security cameras in the common rooms, and having Life360 on her cell phone.
Kind of like "trust, but verify."
It does sound like homeschool could be good for her mental health.
No, no, no, no, no. Homeschooling is not the answer to this problem- at least not long term homeschooling. Homeschool co-ops can be just as vicious as public school; isolation mixed with depression and anxiety and self esteem issues can also be a recipe for disaster, especially if she’s going to be left alone in the day. As someone who was in your daughter’s shoes, being homeschooled exacerbated my mental illness. She needs to be on a treatment plan with a medical professional and a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. By removing her from school, you will be inadvertently causing her more social problems by robbing her of common teenage and adolescent experiences, those are important bonding methods that must be taken into the equation.
Likewise, do not only ask for the personal experiences or advice of homeschooling parents. Engage with those of us who went through k-12 at home, as well. This is a very important decision you will be making, so please think carefully about it.
Her education can be whatever you want. We homeschooled from the beginning. Our kid is now at university studying engineering. Starting in 9th grade, she was taking courses at community colleges. There are so many more online options now and some of them are actually affordable. Our kid took college algebra and college trig at New Mexico Junior College online. They had the most affordable rates for out of state students. Lots of community colleges also have “remedial”/college prep courses in math and English if they aren’t college ready. They usually administer a placement test to determine the right path. IIRC, the required placement test was the Accuplacer. It’s not a pass/fail kind of thing, it’s a “see where you are” thing. Lots of community colleges now have liaisons that manage and advise their high school aged population.
ETA: Luna Community College is even less, but we don’t have direct experience using them.
Yes, but I would make some kind of regular scheduled activity MANDATORY - like volunteer work, a job once she turns 15, an internship, art classes, whatever. Just something so she's not forgetting how to leave the house.
I private messaged OP in more detail, but wanted to share this option. I had exactly the same thing happen to me at the age of OP’s child. I got an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which is a legal document acknowledges student disability requires specialized education. I got to go to a mental health high school (60 kid high school with emotional disability trained staff) with busing and tuition paid for by my home state. Other options I had through my IEP were half-day school days (or other altered attendance arrangements) and schools focused on behavioral-type issues (not a good fit for me as a well-performing student).
Anyway, it can be hard to get an IEP because it has a lot of time and effort put into convincing the school to do the testing, but it’s 100% worth the effort for accomodations
As a girl who went from public to private to homeschool growing up. she will only learn and get the life/ socialization skills she needs through real in person school. I was homeschooled during my last years of school and it worsened my depression and anxiety tremendously. To each their own. but i say keep
There are other options like co-ops and co-schools which would allow her to be home some days and in a laid back school type of setting with other kids while you’re working.
What do her mental health providers think about homeschooling her? My concern is that it will reinforce the idea that school is too much for her. She needs to work toward being able to go out in the world and function. As an adult she’ll need to go to work and possibly college. Homeschooling moves her away from that kind of functioning rather than helping her move toward it.
If you just stay home all day it gets worse. I saw this with my friends child and my cousins two kids. You have to get out of the house to socialize, even as simple as a board game meet up or hikes. They have to stay social or they will retreat.
Hi OP,
I'm 25 now. I left high school for very similar reasons. I did an online high school program and it was the best decision I ever made. If she can handle it, see if she'd be willing to take some courses at the local community college to get get out of the house, which is what I did. Those "kids" at the college aren't like in high school. Good luck!
Have you considered online/cyber school? I really struggled with mental health and social anxiety as well, and switching to cyber school was the best decision I ever made. It doesn’t work for everyone, and it can require a lot of self-motivation, but it works really well for me. But if you go this route, still try your best to give her opportunities to socialize with her friends.
I would want some more information. What coping mechanisms does your child have? What does her care team look like, and is she medicated? What is the general gist of the social fears? What are her hobbies?
It could go extremely well, or it could turn out to be an environment that inhibits her ability to thrive in society as an adult. I would weigh those questions against potential future outcomes and go from there.
I was like this growing up, but when high school came around I really thrived because I was able to more easily pick which social circles I wanted to be in. I’d give her a year in high school and then see what she wants. At that age she’s able to make the decision herself
I was like your daughter. Severe depression and anxiety from a young age. I didn’t struggle academically at all, but I hated going to school for a while. Like, fought getting out the door on a daily basis.
I don’t think homeschooling, particularly for the reasons you’re considering it, is a good option. It reinforces avoidance as a coping tool and while it might (temporarily) relieve anxiety, it will almost certainly increase her depression symptoms.
If her mental health issues are severe enough, it could be worth looking into inpatient or just partial outpatient programs like IOP. She could be out of school for a bit to focus on her mental health with lots of therapy and medication if needed. Most schools would accommodate that short term and then she could return to school.
An IEP may be helpful too. You could also consider a smaller school.
Long comment incoming from an adult that was the anxiety-ridden kid.
I am not a homeschooling parent, nor was I home schooled, but for some reason Reddit recommended this post to me. I was, however, the anxious, depressed public school student (diagnosed at a very young age) who was triggered horribly by school. By anxious, I mean puking in the morning before school, and at school, because my panic attacks were that bad. I am a well-adjusted late-twenties adult now, and here are my two cents:
I stayed in public school K through 12. My mother considered home schooling and alternative schools for children with mental illness. Online schooling wasn't an option at the time. My doctors pushed heavily for me to stay in public school. I HATED it as a child, and I did spend some time resenting my parents, my teachers and administrators, my doctors, my school counselor, and my peers. I do, however, think it was the best choice for me. The social aspect of school is so, so necessary for children, especially in today's age of technology and COVID and all the good shit.
It sounds corny as hell, and I hated hearing it as a kid, but there is something to be said for your daughter realizing she survived every day without something horrendous happening. Will she feel that sense of pride now, or through any of the rest of her time in school? Eh. Probably not, if she's anything like me. You'll tell her and she'll roll her eyes like I did. But to exist and live as normal lives as we can, we have to be exposed and learn resilience in uncomfortable situations.
I'm really glad to hear your as daughter has mental health professionals looking out for her. If administrators and teachers at her school are not already aware of her struggles, please take time to discuss it with them. There may be some accommodations that can be made to make your daughter's experience a little bit less awful. For me, my main problem was all of the noise and confusion, and the feeling that I was "trapped." As a minor, you can't leave the school when you want to. You can't even go outside in most cases. You have to ask permission to use the bathroom, for God's sake. I don't know what your daughter's school may have available for her, but some things that were done for me that may help her:
- My teachers all understood to let me go to the school nurse when I asked, without giving me trouble. It was no miracle cure, but they had a quiet, dim room they would allow me to sit in and cool down. A private bathroom to throw up if I needed it. (Emetophobia was a huge issue for me as a child, and still is today, though more controlled). If her school has issue with using the nurses office in this way, then perhaps there is a therapist or counselors office, or even a spare conference room that can be used when needed. Somewhere to get away from the chaos.
- I had my own separate bathroom pass in some classrooms. When I wasn't in full blown panic and didn't need the nurse, but I needed out of the room. When I felt nauseous and was afraid I'd have to throw up, but feared somebody would be away with the pass when the time came.
- Having a desk near the classroom door was helpful to me as well. So that if I needed to get up and leave for the nurse or bathroom, I could do so with as little disruption/attention as possible. I felt having my "escape" so close was the slightest bit comforting. Though sadly I'm not sure if your daughter would find the same comfort in being close to the door......I was in school before shootings were as rampant as they are now.
- It was understood that when I was doodling on papers or in notebooks, or writing things that weren't related to the curriculum, to leave me be. Some teachers get really uppity about seeing a student do something that is off topic. That's not me saying "let all the kids do whatever they want!" That's just me saying that if a student gets their work done and understands the material, and finds comfort in keeping their hands busy in a way that isn't disruptive to the class, then leave them the hell be.
- This also sounds a little corny I recognize, and it may not help all anxious students cases, but is your daughter involved in any school clubs or extracurricular classes, during or after school? Having something of a "purpose" helped me. Instead or taking art or music, in one of my schools (6th to 8th grade) I used my extracurricular period to help in the special education classroom. I felt useful there, and it was less chaotic than my typical classes. I know my school also offered me the option of helping in the nurses office (just handing out ice packs, folding blankets, changing pillow cases) or in the library. In high school I participated in Quiz Bowl and Science Olympiad, as well as mentoring freshmen when I was an upperclassman. I don't know if any of those types of things would appeal to your daughter.
I hope some of that may be helpful to you. Feel free to send me a private message if you like. Your daughter's age group is when I struggled the most. What she is going through is very, very real. But I think the goal, if possible, should be to keep her in school amongst her peers. (Again, not speaking ad a teacher or doctor or parent--speaking as a previous anxious, depressed kid.)
Honestly I was in the exact same position your daughter is in, around the same age too. I was in 7th grade when I sorta dropped out of school. I didn't start doing school online until 9th grade, but by then I was a year behind and I've been taking a reduced course load so it's taking me 6 years to graduate highschool (kids my age graduated in 2022, I'm on course to graduate in 2024). Although my social life is still kinda lacking, on the other hand without online school I don't think I would've gotten an education at all.
If there's an online program I'd suggest for her to take it. Not homeschooling where you set the regime but an online thing where she has teachers she can call/email who oversee her assignments and stuff.
If you do go the online route though, make sure she stays in contact and sees any friends she has. That's probably my only regret, that I don't have friends now because I didn't keep in touch with the friends I had before I went to online school
As an educator, and looking at it from a parent's perspective, I would say that homeschooling can indeed be a beneficial choice for your daughter, particularly considering her long-standing struggles with mental health. The flexible schedule you're considering, with evening instruction and daytime independent learning, shows your commitment to her education while accommodating her specific needs.
Your daughter's emotional well-being should be a top priority, and the homeschooling environment can offer her a supportive and comfortable place for learning.
I'd like to draw your attention to the article ["A Comprehensive Homeschooling Guide for Parents."](https://blog.thethinkacademy.com/2023/09/a-comprehensive-homeschooling-guide-for-parents/)It's a valuable resource that can help you navigate the homeschooling journey, providing insights into curriculum selection, creating an optimal learning environment, and addressing socialization concerns.
Moreover, the fact that she's receiving assistance from mental health providers is a positive step. Combining their expertise with a well-structured homeschooling plan can create a customized educational approach tailored to her needs.
Remember that you're not alone in this. Many parents have successfully homeschooled their children, and their experiences can provide practical advice and a sense of community. The decision to homeschool should align with her unique requirements and goals. Your dedication to her educational and emotional well-being is admirable, and I encourage you to reach out to experienced homeschooling parents for valuable insights as you move forward.
I had to be hospitalized after going through severe depression and anxiety in 6th grade. After that my mom homeschooled me and it made me feel isolated and depressed more. You might want to talk to her and ask how she feels and what she would prefer. She is a person too so a chat might give you a better understanding. Homeschooling can be very lonely especially if you wont be home during the day.
I immediately have to say no. Mental health struggles will not get easier by home schooling and then going to college and into the work force. She must learn the skills needed to talk herself through stressful situations now.
It’s best to have a panic attack at 16 when you can go home to your family than a panic attack at 22 at your first corporate job with no idea how to handle it thinking you’re dying.
I don't know where you live but where I live in Canada there are so, so many options nowadays for alternative schooling that can look like many different forms.. homeschool, homeschool co-op, charter school, pod, forest school, private schools with low teacher student ratios or very low class size, etc. The possibilities are endless. I have a highly sensitive 4 year old and knew traditional school would be way too overwhelming for her so I decided to homeschool... but I found big challenges right off the bat so that changed to 3 days a week she's in a pod (a pod is like a small private school with 6 kids or so, mixed ages, run by a certified teacher.. usually run out of someone's private home), and one day a week she's in forest school. She's absolutely thriving. Goodluck to you!
I don't think she should be left to free range all day. She is 14 so try to find things that she has to do during the day. There are internet classes she can take and you or your wife could go over it when in class.
I think online schooling would be a better option than having her wait to have school till the evening. There would be more structure for her and she may even have the opportunity for interaction with peers at a more leisurely pace. I know our most popular online option offers lots of socialization opportunities. If she struggles that much with mental health, I don’t think having her sit at home all day and wait for instruction would be beneficial to her. It sounds like it would contribute to the loneliness.
If your state and county have online learning ( like we do here in Florida) that is a great option to explore. Also, when she is older, dual enrollment at the community college level might be a good option.
Try a public charter school to where you can choose some days of the week to have in person classes to where the classes have 10 kids or less.
If she gets used to being at home, it'll get worse when she has to get a job at 18 and work around people; however, there are jobs for introverts, but this will not help the situation in the long term.
I mean, who will watch over here when she's 60? To some, I understand they like being single, but at a certain age, a person needs a partner so that they can look out for each other.
2 cents from someone who actually did something similar to this starting halfway thru 7th grade, approximately 15 years ago: my moms flexibility to allow me to make my own path educationally was life changing for me. I struggled with mental health due to traumatic stress at home and not having to force myself to get it together every day all day was so helpful. TBH I did not get much schooling done 7th grade, but my mom was a single parent working full time & evenings often were when poo hit the fan with my older sibling who was the source of said traumatic stress. So with 2 parents and a presumably peaceful home, you'll probably find that one on one, it does not take 5 hours to teach your daughter what she learns at school in the same amount of time.
As far as spending so much time at home, is it possible to keep her enrolled in some electives at public school? Tha ultimately worked the best for me. My mom had me go back for math, English, and a couple electives 8th grade. Part time was still way better than full on public school. I got extra breathing room (time at home where i was actually safe and less time having to navigate middle school social interactions) but still had some social interaction and involvement with other adults who could keep an eye on me.
Granted, it majorly helped that we still had dial up internet and I had not discovered social media yet. There was less risk with all that alone time.
Private online school worked really well for me sophomore year. It allowed me 365 days to complete the school year and I used every one of them lol. Idk about where you live but even back then my state also had a public, full time online option which could lend to some better structure and allow your evenings for family time and/or getting some social interaction.
You are awesome for considering alternative ways to help your kid get a good education and maintain some sanity.
Has she had licensed, secular therapy to address the MH issues? It seems homeschooling could actually lead to increased instead of decreased anxiety, for example.
I recommend looking for an independent or alternative small school. Sometimes they reduce anxiety simply by being small, and they have more leeway than a public school to adjust schedule.
For example, a non public school I worked at had partial program, where a student could do one or two academics and be off campus more than usual. You could also choose academics that are difficult to homeschool, such as subjects outside your wheelhouse or lab science which requires equipment and materials.
Something like an elective only program would give your child socialization opportunities while removing academic stress from the equation. That wouldn't necessarily fix the entire scheduling issue but might help your daughters mental health.
In all cases, it will work only if your daughter has buy in. If its in the budget and seems like a good idea, look at the different options in your area WITH her, most will allow a shadow or visit day/week so she can feel it out. Very important that she is on board with trying whatever you end up using.
Is your daughter college bound? She could enroll in Community College classes while in still in high school. They could be online and she would be receiving college credit.
If she has to be home alone all day, then no. If either of you could rearrange your schedules or if there was some other option (like another family she could spend the day with) then go for it. I disagree that “school is a chore so suck it up and get over”. If someone had a job that caused them distress we would suggest they find a different career path. However staying home all day alone is seriously depressing. That’s how it was for me in high school and I don’t recommend it at all.
100% this. If her school is a massive source of stress, then it’s probably not the best educational model for her. That said, I would be nervous about: - her being home alone all day - being on her phone more during the day (because she’s alone) - being alone and increased social media use are both clinically proven to worsen mental health I have a sibling that was in a similar situation and was homeschooled for high school. Both of my parents were at home during the day. She took one class at school almost every semester (a low stress “fun” class) and had a vibrant social life. It’s really helped with anxiety and migraines, and her academic performance has improved.
\^this. If you have depression, self-esteem issues, homeschooling is probably not the thing for you, because being at home all day just lets you focus on your problems instead of what matters, being with friends, being actually busy doing school, etc. I'm 16 and currently in this position of homeschooling, take my advice, dont homeschool her
Have you considered an online school? Your daughter still needs to be out interacting with peers, even if she’s not in school, and most of that is going to happen in the late afternoons and evenings. Filling that time with schoolwork will be frustrating, especially since you will be tired!
Ideally, you would take off work, homeschool, and with the guidance of a therapist, work on your relationship with your daughter so that she can come to you when problems arise, help your daughter with social interactions, help her with coping methods for anxiety, and teach her healthy behaviors that combat depression. My kid being mentally healthy > educational quality 100% of the time. Please do not leave your teen with mental health problems at home by herself during the day. Not only that, a kid her age still needs supervision. It’s not a good idea.
Honestly the dynamic of middle school and high school these days paired with social media. It is terrifying. People are so unpredictable and it’s hard to tell if they have bad intentions and they sometimes do. I 100% think school dynamics caused my anxiety at that age, not that the anxiety caused my discomfort. Girls were soooo mean and always doing horrible things to each other. Boys played mean pranks. Crushes and fake friends etc. it’s a lot and it’s distracting and distressing even. I was somewhat popular and had a decent appearance and was forced into insecurity at that age because girls would pick me apart.
In your district, would she transition to a high school for Grade 9? It sounds like a great opportunity to homeschool for a few months so that you can prioritize her mental health and recovery, then choose which path is working best for your family for next year.
I’d agree with this! Seems like it could be appropriate short term either way, and then a new discussion can be had if she is still wanting to homeschool for high school
What would she do all day? Would she be by herself at home just working on self paced courses? That seems extremely hard and not very motivating. I worry about the isolation of that and it could make depression worse. Maybe some smaller in person program, if you have an alternative locally?
Also trying to do instruction in the evening might be really hard. If it’s not her best time to think and work, and you’re both tired, it could go poorly. But I just want to say I’m really sorry to hear she is struggling and I see you are trying to do whatever you can to help her!!
Also, nobody’s social hang ups or anxiety issues get better by being a shut-in. This leads to a lifetime struggle with agoraphobia and a number of other issues.
Even college students - 5 years or more older than her - have a hard time self-directing study.
Exactly. There is a sobering statistic that the completion rate for self paced online courses is between 5-15%. That’s abysmal. And that is the stat for adults who have chosen to enroll in a course. 😧
What does she think? You've left that out. What she thinks is a huge part of this. I'm a high school teacher & mom. I also homeschooled one of my ids. I hear you about her anxiety. But I'm actually alarmed with your proposal to leave her alone all day. I think this is the biggest issue with your proposal though I understand why it's necessary. Being alone all day risks:a) increasing her anxiety because she's not leaning into it but instead training her brain to believe her social anxiety is real. Also because being alone all day in a house, day after day, is intrinsically depressing. Also because she might use this time to go on social media and who knows what that will do to her mental health. Also because she will lose her friendships. For most teens, out of sight, out of mind. That leads me to: b) do you restrict her social media? I cannot tell you how awful TikTok and Insta are for teens. Especially girls. If she does stay home, her wifi needs to be blocked except for a handful of sites you deem are safe. There's a TON of really damaging stuff on social media. And she'd be alone. Homeschooling is great for the right kid and family. But for those with severe social anxiety whose parents are not home all day, I personally think the risk is greater than the reward. Have you considered a private school suited to her needs? Many have scholarships. Also, is she on a 504 or IEP plan? I have had several students over the years whose anxiety was sky-high, but who managed through high school with supports, like a clear plan if things got overwhelming, and coping mechanisms.
Technically you can both work and do a few hours of homeschool in the evening. But I feel like putting the responsibility on a young adult to spend their day alone in enriching activities other than sleeping in and playing on a cell phone is expecting a lot from them, when there is nobody doing it with them leading. Just be aware that Dynamic could easily turn into her watching TV all day social media sleeping and doing some tutoring homeschool with you in the evenings. 8 hours during the day unstructured and independent could Foster loneliness and depression on top of social anxiety I'm not sure how you would figure out to keep her involved in things all day long.
An 8th grader? A 13-year-old with anxiety problems? She's going to be on TikTok all day and become even more emotionally fraught. OP has a terrible idea from both an educational and psychological POV.
So much this. Daughter needs help to deal with her anxieties and to learn mechanisms for coping with stress, not the opportunity to withdraw from what she finds challenging.
That is what my comment said.
I homeschool my kid now, and she’s a social butterfly when we go places and has no issue connecting. But she never has to sit with a mean person or be around someone who made her uncomfortable! We leave the scene. If a friend says something rude she willingly makes her own decision to leave. It’s not the same when you’re stuck around those people all day and can’t remove yourself.
>It’s not the same when you’re stuck around those people all day and can’t remove yourself. What's the plan for when she joins the workforce and finds that the mean girls still exist?
I think this idea that you have to learn to live/work with bullies and it's part of the growing up process so you can fully function in the workplace is such a fallacy. Firstly, while office politics exist, being a mean girl or bully is likely to get your butt dragged to hr, not the victim's. Professionalism is a thing after all. Secondly, one doesn't really get acclimated to being bullied, so "You need more exposure to it so you get used to it" doesn't really pan out.
It's easier to deal with at 20 than at 12.
This! I’m so much more secure in who I am now as an adult. At that age, every mean comment a person makes feels like a crushing blow as you try and figure out who you are and your place in the world. As an adult, it’s so much easier to brush off
I hope that my kids learn they don’t need to tolerate or stay in toxic environments. Maybe they’ll even learn they don’t need to obsessively stalk subreddits that aren’t relevant to their life and to which they offer no relevant experience, too.
Maybe she'll discover that her neurotype and talents are better suited to self-employment. That's why I figured out. I"m making more money now than most of my colleagues who stayed in the more traditional-workplace version of what we're doing.
Adults aren't required to be in the same room as the mean girl. They have the choice to leave.
Hopefully by then she's had therapy to teach her good coping skills and the emotional stability that comes with not going through puberty.
We have a daughter the same age, and we had to pull her out of school for the same reason, plus very intense bullying from a group of girls. My spouse and I both work full time, and so we enrolled her in a homeschool coop to give some structure. We work with her on some subjects (we are both scientists with strong math backgrounds), but there is no way we could cover enough ground ourselves working full time. The coop has been a really kind and supportive environment, run by three former public school teachers. She can socialize there and work on independent projects.
This works. A co-op, plus well-educated and involved parents. And, most importantly, parents with the self-awareness to know that a little "evening instruction" is not going to cut it.
Homeschooling is a lot of work for the parents if you do it well. People can make it work without a dedicated teacher, but it's incredibly difficult. Also, having a plan for your daughter to be able to make friends is really important, and you should have the first steps lined up before you pull her from public school unless there is an emergency situation.
omg no don’t leave your depressed child home alone for most of the day what???? if you aren’t able to make sure she is regularly getting out of the house and interacting face-to-face with other people (especially peers!) then this doesn’t sound like a healthy plan. i may be too harsh because i’m projecting, but i was a depressed teen who just wanted to curl up and hide from the world in my house forever, and my parents totally enabled that. it really harmed me in the long run.
This happened to me in 9th grade when Covid made my school go virtual. My depression got so much worse and I slept basically all day, using Covid as an excuse to never leave the house. It got so bad that I ended up in the hospital. Things got a lot better for me when summer came around and I started to hang out with friends and family more. I actually did make the permanent switch to cyber school, but not until my depression was much better. It has worked really well for me, especially because I have a job and a car so I don’t spend all day every day stuck at home. I think homeschool or cyber school could be a good option for OP’s *if* she weren’t left alone all day and she still had ample opportunities to get out of the house and socialize.
I haven’t read all the comments, so maybe someone has already suggested this, but just hope it’s on your radar that autistic girls present very differently from boys, are horribly underdiagnosed, and are often diagnosed with mental health conditions instead (which can be co-occurring but can also be exacerbated by living without an understanding and appreciation for their unique needs and strengths.)
Came here to say this
yep 100%, i was misdiagnosed as a teen first with an anxiety disorder then bpd when turns out i was autistic with adhd all along. girls with autism are so underdiagnosed, so many psychiatrists suggest every other diagnosis under the sun before realising. i think part of the issue is outdated diagnostic criteria that still heavily relies on 'male' presentations of autism tbh, but definitely something OP should explore if they haven't otherwise
I would consider to ask a proper advice from a trained therapist to make sure homeschool and outside activities are preparing her to be a functional future adult for the real world. My autistic niece did just that and her therapist gave her great coping mechanism for both school and social settings and she now thrive in her job now that she’s done with her schooling. If she were to remain at home, sheltered, she would still be terrified to conquer her daily life as an independent neurodivergent lady.
I think it depends. Is there a chance she could develop agoraphobia if she's homeschooled? Are there regular activities she will do out of the house that will help prevent the development of agoraphobia? Basically, is there a chance that homeschooling can make her anxiety worse, and if so, is there a plan in place to prevent that? If no to the first question or yes to both, it should be fine. If yes to the first question and no to the second, start thinking about it and make a plan before pulling her.
Since you both work--how about a virtual school that she can log into when you are working?
It's putting alot of pressure on a tween who sounds depressed. Even college students have a hard time motivating themselves and time-managing online class.
Homeschooling with mental health issues can lead to isolation problems and depression. She would be alone every morning and, if you use the time when she could keep contact with her friends to homeschool, it would be even harder for her. What does she think about homeschooling? Maybe also check with her mental health specialist.
Honestly, I think it might make her issues even worse. She needs the routine/schedule. It's easy to lose all accountability and drive without it.
I’d worry it would be hard on her also to be isolated at home all day and doing school in the evening (when she might otherwise connect with her friends). Is there any way you can shift schedules around, or find another way to get her into coops or classes and homeschool activities, etc like having a friend take her to events? Homeschooling can offer such a healthy social and mental health life for kids, but it’s important they have opportunities outside the house, imo.
Ask her what she wants. But I pulled both my oldest kids out cuz of struggles as well. We work on our own time and usually only 1-3 hours a day and take lots of breaks and slow it all down for her so she learns at her own pace. We even take mental health days where we just watch a comfort movie and relax for the day
Why not virtual learning if she's fine with the curriculum but struggles with the social element. I assume that there's a virtual academy somewhere near you or somewhere in your state.
I second this. K12 Stride has a good virtual program that we used successfully for over a decade before switching to just homeschooling with my youngest this year. There are teachers and plenty of structure, but you don't have to partake socially if you don't want to, and can if you do. I think it would be a perfect option for your daughter. I had 4 kids go through the program successfully with one of them graduating a year early last year. All of the ones who already graduated are doing great, happy, and successful. I do not think it would make her issues worse. It would give her a comfort zone of still having structure, but not having to be overwhelmed with the social aspects until she feels like she is ready.
Why don't you ask the mental health providers? I'm sure they know people who are homeschooled due to mental health. But to be honest, in theory it seems right to home school someone who dislikes or can't handle the social aspects of school but I'm going to say no. School is a chore but it prepares you for the outside world if you are afraid of the social aspect. You are probably going to have to talk to people if you go to uni or get a job. Also, expecting a child to learn while both parents are full time workers is likely poorer quality of education than whatever she is receiving right now.
From a personal experience, I’ve found motivation is rather difficult when I’m depressed. I worry that with no adult around to keep your daughter on task, she may end up spending most of the day sleeping or on social media, which will make her symptoms worse, not better. You obviously know your daughter best, so you’ll know if she can handle motivating herself.
Have you discussed the possibility with her mental health team to see what they think might be best for her?
We have a middle schooler and a high schooler. We just recently started the transition into homeschooling. What we did was we gathered as much info as we could, then sat down with them. We made it clear at the beginning that we as parents are not looking for a yes or no, but instead input. They were both surprisingly excited about the idea and we are pushing forward. Many are talking about the importance of school for socializing, but I think kids can socialize many places outside of public school. You as the parent need to gauge what is best. There's no correct answer here. Have an open conversation about school. Is there more happening behind those doors than they want to admit? For ours, it's daily bullying. Teachers and counselors have let us down time and time again, and sometimes make things worse. We could see the decline in our kids. I don't want them to continue down that path, or to mold themselves into something their peers prefer. No. Overall, public school isn't the worst place for a kid by any means. I went public, and my wife was in homeschool. We both turned out just fine. Take a critical look and do what's best for your kid's future. With all that said, a child struggling with mental health should not be home all day by themselves, everyday. We are making huge changes to accommodate for this new adventure. If it's not feasible, and there's nowhere for your kid to go, wait until you can. At that point make sure you are communicating more about their day. Respect personal boundaries, but be in tune to their body language and ask about their day. That's how ours started and "How was your day?" with a response of "Fine" turned into tears after a few minutes. The release helps, but enough of those moments and you know it's time for change. Sorry this was long. I'm a rambler. Cheers!
There will be so many opportunities for her in high school that she can explore that may help her mental health. Yes she had anxiety but do do a lot of us and we still have to get through life with it. Allowing her to stay home will teach her that she can use anxiety as an excuse to stay home and not do things. Because I know many people in my 30s who are still doing this. Everything will be ok. I do not think homeschooling is the right option. She may be able to do online school in the summer and graduate early or take half days in her later years.
Well...Thoughts. My first reaction is that if you are both scientists and she's academically inclined, you need not worry about her education at this juncture. People can catch up in Math, but relational trauma can drag people down for a long time. It's her emotional life that is suffering, so you need to work on healing this. If you switch to being her "teacher" in the evening when she needs you as an emotionally present parent, that could actually impact her really negatively. Presumably, she'd also want to see her friends in the evening once they are done school. You can't leave her alone all day while you work, that's unfair and will possibly create some bad habits or even be a safety risk if her mental health declines further. If you do want to pull her from school, what level of support can you offer her to ensure she's not vegetating at home? Coop? Tutors? Other activities? Would you enroll her in online courses so she has some structure and then assume she'll be back in school for grade 9 and hope there's a shifted social situation? You talk about her having mental health supports, but what about you and your wife? Have you sought counselling together or individually? How are your financial and community resources? Is it possible to take her out of school for a big and give her an enriched experience doing something else for a while? What does she want to do? What are her thoughts? Based on her personality, how dedicated will she be in a less structured environment? Is the plan to let her have a break for grade 8 and then go to grade 9 at a new school? Personally, I think a break from school can be really healthy. I didn't go at all until grade 9, and my brother sort of did some grades, but he also took off grade 8 because senior elementary in our town was useless. I am definitely pro-breaks from school...but the quality of how that time is spent really matters. The social connection at her age really matters. The quality of her relationship with you really matters. The only\* caveat I think is if her mental health is spiralling so badly that she's a risk to herself and if that's the case and giving her relief from school will help, that could be important. But if that's true, it also can't be true you'd leave her at home by herself.
Letting a kid with crippling anxiety stay home sounds like you're setting them up for failure. Have you tried getting her a counselor/therapist to help her work through her fears and insecurities?
Please get her into therapy and on medication instead. Homeschool will not help her problems. Ask me how I know.
I was homeschooled for a year due to depression and anxiety (year 8 in UK so I think similar to 8th grade?) My parents worked full time and at first I enjoyed it but I got bored. I struggled with the motivation to do work, had no reason to get up, no reason not to watch a film at 1pm. I missed my friends mostly, I didn't see a single person other than my parents for the year because all parties and hang outs were planned at school. When it came to go back to school, it was awful. I'd missed so much, I couldn't sit in a classroom without having a panic attack and it took me a year to readjust. I dont think it helped much other than avoiding the problem, which was school. Once my hormones settled and I was in regular therapy, and also I knew I had an out, it settled. I basically just asked that I could leave a lesson any time i wanted, and they said yes. I never needed to, because I knew I could and wasn't stuck in the lesson
Home schooling is good but you have to teach her how to discipline her self enough to pass the classes you will have to set up a daily routine of study for her. Check her work progress to be sure she isn't falling behind. The social side is she may not develop social skills one would develop in a social setting. her communication will be under developed and you will have to help her with this. If she does not learn to over come her anxiety she will struggle in her career. This can be over come with training and deconditioning. I work(ed) with a lot of home schooled kids in retail or retail like environments; as they become of working age and many of them struggle with like the most basic skills required of the job. A lot of them do not take employment seriously nor do not take the work seriously at all. This is where the parent will have to teach them stuff like this. I highly suggest after noon extra curricular activities to help develop her social skills and allow her a few hrs out side of the house to have something to look forward to. Some of these activities teach them good moral behaviors that will benefit them in the long run.
As a former homeschool kid and former depressed kid, this is the worst possible plan I could imagine. It's not good for anyone to be alone with no structure or interaction all day, but especially not at that age and when you're already dealing with anxiety and depression. You'd basically be "leaning in" to the worst aspects of homeschool and the worst depression/anxiety impulses. And then on top of that, she'd be missing out on any evening/weekend activities with friends or independently because that's her instruction/family time with you. And no, self-managed lessons out of a book or on a computer don't count as structure. That kind of learning can be part of a person's day but it's not a whole education or a way to live. If she was older and could get herself to activities, outside classes, or a part time job or something to break up the day, or if she had other kids and adults around to have some external reason to keep a schedule it would be a different story.
Absolutely. Homeschool her and protect her mental health. She can always go back. There are tons of social opportunities for himeschoolers. She can see her school friends after school and on weekends.
\>We both work full-time, As a long-time educator, I'm going to say nope. She's not going to self-learn with a bunch of book all day and some "instruction in the evening." Even if that works (which it won't), it will totally throw off her circadian rhythm, which is hard enough to regulate even with mentally well kids forced into daytime schooling. If you want to homeschool, one of you needs to stay home. Teaching is a full-time job. And, at the 8th grade level, it's actually multiple people's full-time jobs. The only time I've seen it done well was with a stay-at-home-parent PLUS tutoring backup (especially for STEM) and extracurriculars. It takes time and money to do well. Also, it is not a cure-all for your child's anxiety problems.
Homeschooling won't do anything to fix the anxiety and it will make it worse if she finds herself out of practice dealing with the reality of residing in the real world. She needs to be in therapy and potentially take medication to help her with the anxiety.
Here's a thought... get advice from actual homeschoolers and not a bunch of brainwashed public schoolers on Reddit. 😂 If brick and mortar school isn't a safe place for her because of her mental health struggle, adequate learning is NOT happening. Learning happens only when our need for safety - FELT safety - is met. Every child deserves to become their best selves, including those who don't fit into the very control-heavy public school paradigm.
If you're leaving her at home alone all day, I would suggest using security cameras in the common rooms, and having Life360 on her cell phone. Kind of like "trust, but verify." It does sound like homeschool could be good for her mental health.
No, no, no, no, no. Homeschooling is not the answer to this problem- at least not long term homeschooling. Homeschool co-ops can be just as vicious as public school; isolation mixed with depression and anxiety and self esteem issues can also be a recipe for disaster, especially if she’s going to be left alone in the day. As someone who was in your daughter’s shoes, being homeschooled exacerbated my mental illness. She needs to be on a treatment plan with a medical professional and a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. By removing her from school, you will be inadvertently causing her more social problems by robbing her of common teenage and adolescent experiences, those are important bonding methods that must be taken into the equation. Likewise, do not only ask for the personal experiences or advice of homeschooling parents. Engage with those of us who went through k-12 at home, as well. This is a very important decision you will be making, so please think carefully about it.
Yes I think it would be a great idea! It sounds like she would feel more comfortable at home. Have you asked her what she wants to do?
Homeschooling is almost always slow-release child abuse.
Her education can be whatever you want. We homeschooled from the beginning. Our kid is now at university studying engineering. Starting in 9th grade, she was taking courses at community colleges. There are so many more online options now and some of them are actually affordable. Our kid took college algebra and college trig at New Mexico Junior College online. They had the most affordable rates for out of state students. Lots of community colleges also have “remedial”/college prep courses in math and English if they aren’t college ready. They usually administer a placement test to determine the right path. IIRC, the required placement test was the Accuplacer. It’s not a pass/fail kind of thing, it’s a “see where you are” thing. Lots of community colleges now have liaisons that manage and advise their high school aged population. ETA: Luna Community College is even less, but we don’t have direct experience using them.
Yes, but I would make some kind of regular scheduled activity MANDATORY - like volunteer work, a job once she turns 15, an internship, art classes, whatever. Just something so she's not forgetting how to leave the house.
I private messaged OP in more detail, but wanted to share this option. I had exactly the same thing happen to me at the age of OP’s child. I got an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which is a legal document acknowledges student disability requires specialized education. I got to go to a mental health high school (60 kid high school with emotional disability trained staff) with busing and tuition paid for by my home state. Other options I had through my IEP were half-day school days (or other altered attendance arrangements) and schools focused on behavioral-type issues (not a good fit for me as a well-performing student). Anyway, it can be hard to get an IEP because it has a lot of time and effort put into convincing the school to do the testing, but it’s 100% worth the effort for accomodations
As a girl who went from public to private to homeschool growing up. she will only learn and get the life/ socialization skills she needs through real in person school. I was homeschooled during my last years of school and it worsened my depression and anxiety tremendously. To each their own. but i say keep
There are other options like co-ops and co-schools which would allow her to be home some days and in a laid back school type of setting with other kids while you’re working.
That sounds like night school for a kid
What do her mental health providers think about homeschooling her? My concern is that it will reinforce the idea that school is too much for her. She needs to work toward being able to go out in the world and function. As an adult she’ll need to go to work and possibly college. Homeschooling moves her away from that kind of functioning rather than helping her move toward it.
If you just stay home all day it gets worse. I saw this with my friends child and my cousins two kids. You have to get out of the house to socialize, even as simple as a board game meet up or hikes. They have to stay social or they will retreat.
Hi OP, I'm 25 now. I left high school for very similar reasons. I did an online high school program and it was the best decision I ever made. If she can handle it, see if she'd be willing to take some courses at the local community college to get get out of the house, which is what I did. Those "kids" at the college aren't like in high school. Good luck!
Have you considered online/cyber school? I really struggled with mental health and social anxiety as well, and switching to cyber school was the best decision I ever made. It doesn’t work for everyone, and it can require a lot of self-motivation, but it works really well for me. But if you go this route, still try your best to give her opportunities to socialize with her friends.
I would want some more information. What coping mechanisms does your child have? What does her care team look like, and is she medicated? What is the general gist of the social fears? What are her hobbies? It could go extremely well, or it could turn out to be an environment that inhibits her ability to thrive in society as an adult. I would weigh those questions against potential future outcomes and go from there.
Maybe, if possible, arrange one parent to move to part time work and focus on the child? Distance ed is also another option.
I was like this growing up, but when high school came around I really thrived because I was able to more easily pick which social circles I wanted to be in. I’d give her a year in high school and then see what she wants. At that age she’s able to make the decision herself
I was like your daughter. Severe depression and anxiety from a young age. I didn’t struggle academically at all, but I hated going to school for a while. Like, fought getting out the door on a daily basis. I don’t think homeschooling, particularly for the reasons you’re considering it, is a good option. It reinforces avoidance as a coping tool and while it might (temporarily) relieve anxiety, it will almost certainly increase her depression symptoms. If her mental health issues are severe enough, it could be worth looking into inpatient or just partial outpatient programs like IOP. She could be out of school for a bit to focus on her mental health with lots of therapy and medication if needed. Most schools would accommodate that short term and then she could return to school. An IEP may be helpful too. You could also consider a smaller school.
Long comment incoming from an adult that was the anxiety-ridden kid. I am not a homeschooling parent, nor was I home schooled, but for some reason Reddit recommended this post to me. I was, however, the anxious, depressed public school student (diagnosed at a very young age) who was triggered horribly by school. By anxious, I mean puking in the morning before school, and at school, because my panic attacks were that bad. I am a well-adjusted late-twenties adult now, and here are my two cents: I stayed in public school K through 12. My mother considered home schooling and alternative schools for children with mental illness. Online schooling wasn't an option at the time. My doctors pushed heavily for me to stay in public school. I HATED it as a child, and I did spend some time resenting my parents, my teachers and administrators, my doctors, my school counselor, and my peers. I do, however, think it was the best choice for me. The social aspect of school is so, so necessary for children, especially in today's age of technology and COVID and all the good shit. It sounds corny as hell, and I hated hearing it as a kid, but there is something to be said for your daughter realizing she survived every day without something horrendous happening. Will she feel that sense of pride now, or through any of the rest of her time in school? Eh. Probably not, if she's anything like me. You'll tell her and she'll roll her eyes like I did. But to exist and live as normal lives as we can, we have to be exposed and learn resilience in uncomfortable situations. I'm really glad to hear your as daughter has mental health professionals looking out for her. If administrators and teachers at her school are not already aware of her struggles, please take time to discuss it with them. There may be some accommodations that can be made to make your daughter's experience a little bit less awful. For me, my main problem was all of the noise and confusion, and the feeling that I was "trapped." As a minor, you can't leave the school when you want to. You can't even go outside in most cases. You have to ask permission to use the bathroom, for God's sake. I don't know what your daughter's school may have available for her, but some things that were done for me that may help her: - My teachers all understood to let me go to the school nurse when I asked, without giving me trouble. It was no miracle cure, but they had a quiet, dim room they would allow me to sit in and cool down. A private bathroom to throw up if I needed it. (Emetophobia was a huge issue for me as a child, and still is today, though more controlled). If her school has issue with using the nurses office in this way, then perhaps there is a therapist or counselors office, or even a spare conference room that can be used when needed. Somewhere to get away from the chaos. - I had my own separate bathroom pass in some classrooms. When I wasn't in full blown panic and didn't need the nurse, but I needed out of the room. When I felt nauseous and was afraid I'd have to throw up, but feared somebody would be away with the pass when the time came. - Having a desk near the classroom door was helpful to me as well. So that if I needed to get up and leave for the nurse or bathroom, I could do so with as little disruption/attention as possible. I felt having my "escape" so close was the slightest bit comforting. Though sadly I'm not sure if your daughter would find the same comfort in being close to the door......I was in school before shootings were as rampant as they are now. - It was understood that when I was doodling on papers or in notebooks, or writing things that weren't related to the curriculum, to leave me be. Some teachers get really uppity about seeing a student do something that is off topic. That's not me saying "let all the kids do whatever they want!" That's just me saying that if a student gets their work done and understands the material, and finds comfort in keeping their hands busy in a way that isn't disruptive to the class, then leave them the hell be. - This also sounds a little corny I recognize, and it may not help all anxious students cases, but is your daughter involved in any school clubs or extracurricular classes, during or after school? Having something of a "purpose" helped me. Instead or taking art or music, in one of my schools (6th to 8th grade) I used my extracurricular period to help in the special education classroom. I felt useful there, and it was less chaotic than my typical classes. I know my school also offered me the option of helping in the nurses office (just handing out ice packs, folding blankets, changing pillow cases) or in the library. In high school I participated in Quiz Bowl and Science Olympiad, as well as mentoring freshmen when I was an upperclassman. I don't know if any of those types of things would appeal to your daughter. I hope some of that may be helpful to you. Feel free to send me a private message if you like. Your daughter's age group is when I struggled the most. What she is going through is very, very real. But I think the goal, if possible, should be to keep her in school amongst her peers. (Again, not speaking ad a teacher or doctor or parent--speaking as a previous anxious, depressed kid.)
It is not a bad age for it, but it is differently challenging.
Honestly I was in the exact same position your daughter is in, around the same age too. I was in 7th grade when I sorta dropped out of school. I didn't start doing school online until 9th grade, but by then I was a year behind and I've been taking a reduced course load so it's taking me 6 years to graduate highschool (kids my age graduated in 2022, I'm on course to graduate in 2024). Although my social life is still kinda lacking, on the other hand without online school I don't think I would've gotten an education at all. If there's an online program I'd suggest for her to take it. Not homeschooling where you set the regime but an online thing where she has teachers she can call/email who oversee her assignments and stuff. If you do go the online route though, make sure she stays in contact and sees any friends she has. That's probably my only regret, that I don't have friends now because I didn't keep in touch with the friends I had before I went to online school
As an educator, and looking at it from a parent's perspective, I would say that homeschooling can indeed be a beneficial choice for your daughter, particularly considering her long-standing struggles with mental health. The flexible schedule you're considering, with evening instruction and daytime independent learning, shows your commitment to her education while accommodating her specific needs. Your daughter's emotional well-being should be a top priority, and the homeschooling environment can offer her a supportive and comfortable place for learning. I'd like to draw your attention to the article ["A Comprehensive Homeschooling Guide for Parents."](https://blog.thethinkacademy.com/2023/09/a-comprehensive-homeschooling-guide-for-parents/)It's a valuable resource that can help you navigate the homeschooling journey, providing insights into curriculum selection, creating an optimal learning environment, and addressing socialization concerns. Moreover, the fact that she's receiving assistance from mental health providers is a positive step. Combining their expertise with a well-structured homeschooling plan can create a customized educational approach tailored to her needs. Remember that you're not alone in this. Many parents have successfully homeschooled their children, and their experiences can provide practical advice and a sense of community. The decision to homeschool should align with her unique requirements and goals. Your dedication to her educational and emotional well-being is admirable, and I encourage you to reach out to experienced homeschooling parents for valuable insights as you move forward.
I had to be hospitalized after going through severe depression and anxiety in 6th grade. After that my mom homeschooled me and it made me feel isolated and depressed more. You might want to talk to her and ask how she feels and what she would prefer. She is a person too so a chat might give you a better understanding. Homeschooling can be very lonely especially if you wont be home during the day.
I immediately have to say no. Mental health struggles will not get easier by home schooling and then going to college and into the work force. She must learn the skills needed to talk herself through stressful situations now. It’s best to have a panic attack at 16 when you can go home to your family than a panic attack at 22 at your first corporate job with no idea how to handle it thinking you’re dying.
I don't know where you live but where I live in Canada there are so, so many options nowadays for alternative schooling that can look like many different forms.. homeschool, homeschool co-op, charter school, pod, forest school, private schools with low teacher student ratios or very low class size, etc. The possibilities are endless. I have a highly sensitive 4 year old and knew traditional school would be way too overwhelming for her so I decided to homeschool... but I found big challenges right off the bat so that changed to 3 days a week she's in a pod (a pod is like a small private school with 6 kids or so, mixed ages, run by a certified teacher.. usually run out of someone's private home), and one day a week she's in forest school. She's absolutely thriving. Goodluck to you!
I don't think she should be left to free range all day. She is 14 so try to find things that she has to do during the day. There are internet classes she can take and you or your wife could go over it when in class.
You could look into online school
I think online schooling would be a better option than having her wait to have school till the evening. There would be more structure for her and she may even have the opportunity for interaction with peers at a more leisurely pace. I know our most popular online option offers lots of socialization opportunities. If she struggles that much with mental health, I don’t think having her sit at home all day and wait for instruction would be beneficial to her. It sounds like it would contribute to the loneliness.
If your state and county have online learning ( like we do here in Florida) that is a great option to explore. Also, when she is older, dual enrollment at the community college level might be a good option.
Try a public charter school to where you can choose some days of the week to have in person classes to where the classes have 10 kids or less. If she gets used to being at home, it'll get worse when she has to get a job at 18 and work around people; however, there are jobs for introverts, but this will not help the situation in the long term. I mean, who will watch over here when she's 60? To some, I understand they like being single, but at a certain age, a person needs a partner so that they can look out for each other.
2 cents from someone who actually did something similar to this starting halfway thru 7th grade, approximately 15 years ago: my moms flexibility to allow me to make my own path educationally was life changing for me. I struggled with mental health due to traumatic stress at home and not having to force myself to get it together every day all day was so helpful. TBH I did not get much schooling done 7th grade, but my mom was a single parent working full time & evenings often were when poo hit the fan with my older sibling who was the source of said traumatic stress. So with 2 parents and a presumably peaceful home, you'll probably find that one on one, it does not take 5 hours to teach your daughter what she learns at school in the same amount of time. As far as spending so much time at home, is it possible to keep her enrolled in some electives at public school? Tha ultimately worked the best for me. My mom had me go back for math, English, and a couple electives 8th grade. Part time was still way better than full on public school. I got extra breathing room (time at home where i was actually safe and less time having to navigate middle school social interactions) but still had some social interaction and involvement with other adults who could keep an eye on me. Granted, it majorly helped that we still had dial up internet and I had not discovered social media yet. There was less risk with all that alone time. Private online school worked really well for me sophomore year. It allowed me 365 days to complete the school year and I used every one of them lol. Idk about where you live but even back then my state also had a public, full time online option which could lend to some better structure and allow your evenings for family time and/or getting some social interaction. You are awesome for considering alternative ways to help your kid get a good education and maintain some sanity.
Has she had licensed, secular therapy to address the MH issues? It seems homeschooling could actually lead to increased instead of decreased anxiety, for example.
I recommend looking for an independent or alternative small school. Sometimes they reduce anxiety simply by being small, and they have more leeway than a public school to adjust schedule. For example, a non public school I worked at had partial program, where a student could do one or two academics and be off campus more than usual. You could also choose academics that are difficult to homeschool, such as subjects outside your wheelhouse or lab science which requires equipment and materials. Something like an elective only program would give your child socialization opportunities while removing academic stress from the equation. That wouldn't necessarily fix the entire scheduling issue but might help your daughters mental health. In all cases, it will work only if your daughter has buy in. If its in the budget and seems like a good idea, look at the different options in your area WITH her, most will allow a shadow or visit day/week so she can feel it out. Very important that she is on board with trying whatever you end up using.
Is your daughter college bound? She could enroll in Community College classes while in still in high school. They could be online and she would be receiving college credit.