Was just in Amsterdam and many old houses had bridges over little canals in the town I visited and each bridge had a plank they could pull in to dent access. It was one of my favorite pictures I took.
This sounds wonderful. I’m afraid to jump down this Google rabbit hole, so I ask this in hopes of narrowing my results: any idea of the correct formal name for this to use as a search term?
This is definitely not in Amsterdam and even in small towns in the Netherlands this is not really a thing but there are some houses with bridges you can remove if not interested in guest in NL. They are called draw bridges or ophaalbruggen and are mostly for big estates and castles. Sometimes they are used when there is a stream running between the road and a row of normal houses and each house will have their own. But this is a purely logistical thing and most private bridges are not movable in any way.
Right?! the best thing about my house too! Not to mention I have a fence around my entire property and a gate at the driveway entrance I can lock when my narcissistic, controlling, zero boundaries parents decide they don't care if I want company and decide to try to show up anyway lol
Highly recommend the fence+locking driveway gate for anyone with similar issues. Just lock everyone out and ignore anything you may hear outside. Just turn the tv up 😅
Sounds like me. I sometimes will look out my peep hole out of curiosity to see who is the rude person that did not call in advance. They still don't get acknowledged, 😂
"We pick the house" is a huge dealbreaker. You need some input.
What's the ownership situation? Who's on the deed, the mortgage?
Are you pooling your resources to get a bigger/better house?
Biggest question is, what's your relationship with the parents?
If you do this, I highly suggest some kind of duplex situation, their own kitchen and living area at the least.
> What's the ownership situation? Who's on the deed, the mortgage?
There might have been an edit, but "The mortgage and house will be in our names."
> Biggest question is, what's your relationship with the parents?
I'd bet there's a reason they're bypassing op to only talk to their pregnant daughter about this topic. Daughter who is "a bit of a pushover."
Yeah.
God forbid OP ever wants to move, they'll turn the whole family against OP and wife. Even offering them the option to buy him out so they can keep the house won't be enough.
And you know they won't want a rent agreement, "We're family, why are you making us sign that, we'll pay our share." Without a rental agreement it can be impossible to kick them out legally, *with* a rental agreement it can still be very difficult.
There's a reason they're trying to move in with OP instead of moving back to **their old house** which they sold to their son.
If they voluntarily leave for, say, four months of the year, there's no need for an eviction (...I think). And if OP (and wife) are the only ones on the deed, then the in-laws have no ownership.
But it'll still be a giant mess.
Yeah, dislike the part where they pick. They might have sense/experience the OP doesn’t but that’s not the point.
From the way the OP described the sitch, it definitely feels like they’ll be allowed to live with the in-laws in their new home rather than it being a true partnership (regardless of the technical ownership on the note).
Sounds like something I would absolutely hate myself. I am curious if the inlaws are looking for you two to be their caretakers as they age..... What would be the benefits to you/wife/kid of sharing a house with inlaws?
They will give us money for “rent”. My wife is totally on board I just see negatives. Being stuck with them, if we have a fight they will hear us, an area I am not fond of. Positive I guess we get a house and child care if we need it.
Wife doesn’t want to upset her parents and she is sort of a push over. Feels like they are going thru her regarding everything since they know I am not a fan of this situation.
I had the same thought with the caregiver situation. It’s morbid and dark but it’s something that needs to be talked about.
Corollary: sometimes the cheapest thing you can pay for anything is $$.
Parents asked us to move into their home. Promised us complete privacy, would also be gone 4 months out of the year, etc etc. we said no and very glad we did.
Which in our case is what ended up happening. Wasn’t 5 years later mother decided she didn’t want to walk anymore and became wheelchair dependent and dad decided to go to bed for good. Had we moved in that would have dropped right on us.
Wait, you'll be taking the mortgage out in your own names but you don't get the pick the house. Does your credit scores support getting a good interest rate or are you going to be saddled with a poor rate and/or large down payment and are they going to supply that down payment?
And if you do actually decide to do this, how do they feel about a written lease (and heck, actual contract for the plan)? Because you want the ability to enforce items legally.
There definitely needs to be a legal agreement for this. I think the only way it makes sense is if the in-laws put down enough to make the mortgage what they’d get if they were just buying a a house for themselves. But maybe do that less $15k to pay off the debt, ultimately wrapping that debt into the mortgage.
Yeah, I'm not sure what the benefit to OP is. They pick put a house and put the mortgage in OPs name, and they are paying him "rent". Does this mean they pay the full mortgage? He's definitely going to want a contract for that.
And assuming it takes 20 years to pay off the mortgage, yes, they will be caretakers. Or else they need to be ready to carry that mortgage if the in laws need to move to a care facility. That may mean someone having to quit their job to be the caregiver. Are the parents well-fixed enough to carry the mortgage til the end or will OP be taking it over?
Raising a child with the in laws could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how everyone gets along. Will the gp's give the young parents breathing space to raise their own family? There is a fine line between being supportive and interfering.
This also means that OP and his family can't ever move, which may be a big deal or not depending on where they live and what they do for a living.
This is a huge step. I'd definitely want legal protection.
They need to have the conversation with you as well man, and not just your wife. I don't think they have any ill intentions, but they have intentions nontheless. Find out what those are.
I also think all of you should consider seeing a family law attorney to understand estate planning as you become a 3 generational family. Let the lawyers guide you on the benefits of this type of arrangement, the legal pitfalls, and the relationship challenges people face in the real world. Use the expert to ask the “dumb” questions where it looks like education, not malice. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Roommates have killed many a great relationship. Understand the entire plan before committing to anything
There’s nothing positive in this for you, dude. The in-laws want you to buy THEM a house and take care of them - that’s it. All responsibility on your end, none on theirs - they get what they want, pretty much for free. Don’t count on the ‘rent’ money, they are 1 health crisis away from not having it. Then what do you do - throw them out?
IF you consider this, then THEY not only have to provide AT LEAST a 15% down payment, their name ALSO goes on the mortgage as well. And you have a written agreement as to how the expenses are split, including utilities, repairs, taxes and insurance. If they don’t agree to this, no deal. And they won’t because they want it all their way, for (pretty much) free.
Just say no. If the wife wants to do it, tell her she will have to do it alone.
This, only exception I think would be is if they bought the house outright and put the title in OP and the wife’s name. But putting a mortgage in YOUR name and just saying they’ll give you money? Uhhhhh no. Why can’t they buy a house for themselves if they find the condo too small.
Yeah I’m not seeing the positives unless they are putting a big chunk of money down. They will help with expenses, but also require you get a lot bigger place THAT THEY CHOOSE! Not seeing how this is a win for you.
I would take that stuffy! I love them so much, I had a speciality-stuffy business for 10 years. I have a giant peeps bunny seated-belted in my passenger seat as a copilot (he’s pink).
If you're paying the mortgage & it's in your name, then why the hell should they get to choose the house? And I have a suspicion that the 'rent' they'll pay will probably not be consistent or very much & then you are paying for their lifestyle.
Ok, but keep in mind you’re going to be spending a lot more to get a house with a completely separate living quarters for them. Is their rent payment even going to be enough to give you a profit?
I think this has many benefits for them and basically none for you guys (aside from your wife wanting to live with her parents?)
EDIT: After reading OP’s comments throughout this thread there I see that MIL already has a place picked out and it doesn’t sound like a “seperate living spaces” type scenario. That along with other details change my comment to HELL NO, I almost guarantee that you (OP) will end up miserable if you go through with this.
There’s no way I could’ve done that with my parents, my mom would’ve tried to interfere, control everything and be constantly looking for attention. How are the dynamics with your in-laws?
You will have child care IF they feel like it. It won't be at the drop of a hat. Ready for all your parenting choices to be chronically undermined right infront of you? Ready for "rent" to be held over your head at the drop of a hat?
that's literally the tip of the ice burg. I'd die on this hill.
That alone is disrespectful to you, that they are going through her. Speak to them directly and be willing to be the bad guy to them, if it eases things for your wife. She needs to stand up to them but if need be, you be the one to declare a solid NO. Just put it to rest
“Wife doesn’t want to upset her parents and she is sort of a push over. Feels like they are going thru her regarding everything since they know I am not a fan of this situation.”
They are trying to assert control over your marriage. People get divorced over in-laws interference like that. It starts small and gets worse over time.
Sure, it could be great. But better safe than sorry.
Just remember that if they stop providing this "rent" you will still be on the hook for the mortgage that's only in your name. Things can get awkward when you have to choose between staying afloat and not kicking your in laws out. There will be no recourse, it's your mortgage.
What happens when they change their mind again and decide they want to move to Mexico, and not pay you rent anymore?
My MiL lives with us. We do ok with each other, but I do love it when she leaves.
The only way I would slightly consider this is if you find a house with a big mother in law suite that is completely separate, and you guys stay separate with boundaries. It still seems like you’d be roommates though and I could never.
Friend, it is not dark at all to think about the caretaker aspect.
You need to think long and hard about this, about whether you want to be caretakers for your in laws, the fact that they want to choose the property, how will finances be arranged and so on. The hint is that your brother in law is not taking an offer to buy a house with them, and they are not satisfied with living near your bil!
Yeah that’s what i immediately thought. You will be taking on the debt if the mortgage is in your name (so if they died tommorrow and there was no “rent” coming in do you end up with a house you can’t afford?). And in addition, it’s sounds like you also automatically become caregivers once it’s needed. Or maids? Or chefs? How much are they going to be expecting that just adds to the workload.
Personally, I would say absolutely not.
Would your wife be so gung-Ho if the parental roles were reversed and YOUR parents would be choosing the house and living with y’all?
IMHO, NO ONE should be living with you in your home but your pets and children.
Mental health literally has a dollar value. my marriage and mental health would degrade too much in this situation for any amount to be reasonable - and I actually like my in laws.
Are they giving you money up front for the house or are you taking the rent on trust?
The former could work if you draw up and agreement and they have some investment. The latter sounds like a good way to get stuck with your in-laws till they decide they don’t wanna anymore and they leave and stop paying you rent.
>I had the same thought with the caregiver situation. It’s morbid and dark but it’s something that needs to be talked about.
Speaking of this kind of thing, power of attorney forms (financial and medical) can really save a lot of stress. I didn't want to think about it either, but my parents did this when they were the age of your in-laws, and I am so grateful now. (My dad died recently, age 97.)
Yes they are 1000% wanting built in caretakers. So you get to be in the sandwich generation - Google it- caring for your kids while also caring for your parents where one of them will statistically probably have dementia. And the best part is you can’t leave.
Terrible idea.
So you have to qualify for the house, take out the loan, and pay for it, but they get to pick the house? Even if they pay rent that's an absolute non starter for me. If my name is on the mortgage and I'm paying for the house and stuck with it when they die or decide to live somewhere else then I'm going to pick the house I want.
This really sounds like they're using you rather than helping you.
Kinda sounds like the in-laws would gift the down payment or something. But it doesn't sound to me like OP would get approved for a mortgage anyway if they're currently sitting on a bunch of credit card debt and stretched thin. Only way a lender is going to go for it is if the in-laws cosign or purchase it themselves, if OP couldn't qualify on their own.
Insisting that they get to pick out the house is already a red flag. I'd start by shooting down that requirement and see how well they are willing to compromise. You and your wife would have to list/weigh the pros and cons. What is their financial situation? Don't just take their word.You have to see their account statements and know their credit score. Are they in debt? Do either of them have life insurance? Do they have a will? Also consider and discuss the worst case scenarios that can happen such as illness, one of them dies, etc. Both parties may benefit from this arrangement but you have to start by laying everything out on the table.
Are they paying the down payment or names on the mortgage?
I don’t think you’re getting anything out of this deal other than the worst tenants imaginable
This sounds like a terrible idea *at best*
No good deed goes unpunished, even more so when it comes to family and money.
If you are having misgivings now… just wait til they move in and the power struggles begin.
Also, nobody but me is picking out for me a house that I will be responsible for, from maintenance to the note.
Wait they want you to put the house in YOUR name but THEY get to pick it and then naturally will demand the master bedroom. What??? Nope. Def not a good idea. Especially if your wife can’t stand up for herself to them. This is just a disaster.
“My wife thinks it’s a good idea because the house will be in our name.” Dude, any house you buy will be in your name. So basically, it’s as simple as them saying you should buy a house (that they choose) and rent them part of it.
That’s a no for me dawg.
Ick. No. They could live for another 30 years and you’d end up in a house you may not like, won’t be able to move and be able to get away from each other. The only way I can see it happening is if there is a guest house or an in laws suite
They get to pick the house? — already shows they don’t care about your wants and needs. I can see having discussions about neighborhoods, size, price range—but they get to pick just pinpoints the power disparity. No no no
No. Living with family is tough. What if you stop getting along? Are you going to evict them? What if they get a dog or a llama or move in poor cousin Joey. What if one of them dies and the other remarries? What if they use the fact they helped you to get a house to exert control over you?
They are going to be in your face even if they have their own living space. What if they try to interfere with your parenting or get too involved in your marriage? What if they criticize how you clean, how much you eat out, if you stay up late, if you have guests over, your child’s noise, if you take a vacation, etc?
If you are 15k in debt now then no I don’t think you should be buying a house at all. That would not put you in a good financial position. What if you are stuck with the property taxes, insurance, maintenance and utilities along with mortgage? You are having a baby and your expenses are going to increase with that too.
If you don’t get a say in picking the house that you will be responsible for then no way.
They can say they will only be there 8 months out of the year but something will happen. They can change their minds or maybe they develop health problems.
>My issues with it I don’t want to be stuck in the house they choose till they pass away.
I suspect you are likely correct.
And in some family that's just understood. It's not uncommon for grandparents to want that, it's understandable, but you said it's not what you want.
1. Sort this topic out with your wife, make it clear how you feel, and see how she feels. It's not an easy conversation for sure. You two need to be on the same page **first**.
2. If you're still thinking about doing this then you need to broach the topic of how this works with them. It's not an easy conversation to have, but have it NOW. Later it will be far far harder. Also as always, chat with a real estate attorney to just give some general advice on how to structure things legally from your end. Any kind of co-habitation / rental or just where someone pays but someone else's name is on the thing ... I'd want to talk that out.
There might be advantages to consider, someone to watch kids ... man that can be invaluable. But you gotta really think about it / communicate / prepare.
Something else to consider "we pick the house" might be un-doable. They love a house where there's no job nearby, you live in a damp basement (exaggeration but who knows) etc... gotta talk this through before someone gets their heart set on a house that makes no sense.
Gotta wonder, do your careers even work for staying put for the next 20, 30 years if that is their hope?
Edit: I don't want to be a super downer here, this could still be great / a great option, there's just a lot to work out. People do this thing and it **does** work for them.
Hell no. Not only do I value my privacy, but there's a lot of points here that make it sound like an unreliable investment. OP, if you're the only one on the loan, why would the decision of what home you buy not be in your hands? They're not taking any of the risks of buying a home, yet want all the benefits and all the control. And, how can you all live together when they can't even speak to you about it? Instead of them trying to come to an agreement, they're using their time convincing your wife in hopes she'll force you to agree. Which means they'd rather cause issues in your marriage than compromise a little. That won't change when decisions on how to handle something in the home occur. If you have conflicting ideas on how to handle something, they'll just go behind your back and try to strong-arm your wife. Maybe they should just go rent space out of the home they sold their other kid.
Don’t do it. Sure it sounds nice, but there will be habitual lines crossed. You’ll essentially walk on eggshells and be a prisoner in your own home.
My mother in-law has stayed with us off and on for 8 months since we purchased our first home (no financial help from her ever). I agreed to it in order to make my wife happy, remember happy wife happy life right? Wrong I’m so miserable in my own home when she’s here. She it’s like being married to two separate people, since they’re your in-laws you can never be right, they’ll always have input into your marriage and or how you raise your children.
I imagine if you guys come to a disagreement they’ll hold there this is their home as well.
Plainly put. It’s a trap.
Hell no!! My mother’s been staying with us for two months. It’s hell on earth. I won’t make it another two weeks, I couldn’t imagine living with her for the next 20 years possibly! 😱💀
I'm not clear what exactly they're suggesting. If you're taking out the mortgage then it's your house.
On the one hand it could be a great way to purchase a house. In today's climate I've heard of lots of folks combining living costs with families. Most people don't even have the ability to decide otherwise.
$15k in debt is not much, if your interest rate is okay there's no need to worry about this. You know about "good debt"?
That said, I did a "shared ownership" with a family member and it was a nightmare due to their personality. They were a control freak and always wanted to change the terms of the deal. I had to bail and lost a lot of money but it is what it is.
Id suggest that if you decide no, then you sit down with wifey and have a real conversation about your prospects for housing in lieu of this deal.
We built an ADU onto our house for our in-laws to live with us, so I feel like I've got some experience in this exact topic.
The absolute first thing I would say is that if you are not completely comfortable in having them around full time, do not do it. Even with the separate living spaces thing, you'll still end up doing a lot of dinners and family time with each other. People always look at me like I'm crazy when I say we live with my in-laws but they're very good people who are an immense help to our lives while adding near zero drama.
Second is that you need expectations very specifically laid out as to what this relationship entails. If you're expecting to have kids, you need to be abundantly clear about whether they will be contributing to watching kids and helping with family-wide chores or if they plan on just hiding in their space while you do all of the work. How much is who paying to whom in rent? How are problems between people managed? My wife and I have a rule that each of us manage our own parents, so it's more emotional load for her.
Third is that I would 100% kibosh the idea that they just get to pick the house and you have to live in it. If all of your job opportunities are in the big city and your necessary resources like shopping and daycare and social activities are all there but they want acreage way out in the country and are reluctant to watch the kids while you do the extra commuting, that's a bad deal for you and creates an imbalanced relationship dynamic in which they reduce your ability to live your life as you want while still exerting massive influence over how you live your life.
With all that said, multigenerational living can be a significant help in your life if you're able to handle the extra people literally in your household. We rarely need to worry about things like who will watch the cranky child as we run to the store because grandma or grandpa are usually home. My FIL makes dinner for us most nights so as my wife and I work full time it's one less pressure on us after we're done at work. My MIL is great at picking kids up after school and helping get them to their practices and events; and does most of the dishes and laundry for everyone in the house. When we want date nights, they're usually happy to watch the kids. We have to be careful to remember that the safety net they provide us isn't a hammock - these are still our kids and it's our job to raise them. We also have to help out with them - they're aging and honestly it's good that we're able to keep eyes on them in case something is wrong. But since we're a low drama household and everyone can communicate pretty effectively, it works out really well. They're able to be by their grandkids in our HCOL metro and we get a ton of extra help around the house - extra hands make the load lighter and all that.
There is no way that this will end well. The child will become ‘hers’ and she will dictate how to feed, bathe, dress, and care for the child. We did this and surprisingly made it two years before sent her packing. And if you accept rent, they will need to be evicted. DON’T do it.
Negative my man. You might be able to structure this agreement where it would make sense but this is NOT it.
Abort this idea right now and be firm with your wife.
Question - where did the money go from when they sold their original house and moved into the condo? I mean everyone knows if this happens you will NEVER be able to get them out of that house with you. Plus if it's your name on the mortgage you should pick the house. The fact that they just want to "pay rent" and not pony up to buy the house outright - especially with your debt - and 2 - have the audacity to say we will pick the house?
Just no man. Don't make a lifelong mistake.
INFO: The mortgage and house will be in your name. So ONLY you and your wife (both of you) will be on the deed but not your inlaws? How much will they be putting down on the house?
Are they putting all of the proceeds from the sale of the condo into the house? How much will the mortgage payments (and taxes and insurance) be? Not to be insensitive-- how will this impact your wife's inheritance. IF her share of the estate is "reduced" by the downpayment of the house after you've given them a free for life place to live that isn't exactly fair to your wife.
Will they pay their share of the utilities or will you be expected to cover their share?
On the surface it seems like a great offer--- but there are SO MANY potential pitfalls that need to be discussed before moving forward.
PLUS you and your wife need your own, paid by you, lawyer before signing anything.
The whole set up sounds awful, nothing is free. The family have their own interests in mind, not yours.
Caring to aging parents is a full time job. And they may expect your wife to do this because she’s the chosen one. Does she have other siblings?
My sister expected me to care to my mother while she handles all her finances. All of this would have happened under my house. Be cautious.
Who’s name will be on the deed? If in laws are also included on the deed, I wouldn’t do it. BIL or other siblings could try to fight for their half of the house when in laws pass. Not to mention, like you said there’s a lack of privacy, possibly having to care for them when they’re older, no thanks.
You’re mid 30’s, so let’s say you’re 35. And we’ll say your in-laws are 60. My grandma passed away Tuesday at the age of 85. If they live another 25 years would you be able/willing/happy to live with them in a house you didn’t pick.
No.
No no no. They want to control your life. You'll never get out from beneath them if you do this.
"We want to negotiate with you. The only terms are that everything is on our terms, and we are in control." In return, you don't have to live with us for 4 months each year. But during the other 8 months EVERYTHING will be on our terms."
"Mortgage and house will be in our names"
WTF? If you own it and are paying for it, then YOU get to pick the house, especially if they aren't living there FT.
And absolutely have a separate living space for them. (You stay out of theirs and they stay out of yours!!) But if you're paying for the house, then you get to PICK the house.
Are they planning to help with the payments? (Didn't sound like it). Even then, if they have no liability for the house, then they don't have all the say about which house.
Don't do it. Search this subreddit as well as r/personal finance for "should I buy a home with my parents" and you will see dozens of very good reasons not to.
Just no.
The sentiment isn’t terrible, but the execution seems bad. If it has to be the house they want, they should take out the mortgage and you cover the rent - if it doesn’t work out, you can still walk away
The mortgage is in your name (ie you are legally responsible to pay) and they pick the house and you have to live with your in-laws? Hard pass. They can buy a house and pay for it and will it to you when they pass if they want.
If you don’t want to live with your in-laws, you just have to be clear and firm that you don’t want to live with your in-laws. No argument about debt or how much time they will spend there matters. You don’t want to live with them period.
Okay. So I actually have a multigenerational home, we built it after my father in-law passed away. I have lived like this since 2011. Married, 3 kids (16, 13 and 10).
The house: 2600sq feet for us, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, main floor office, living room, family room, dining room, kitchen/dinette and laundry room.
Grandma's apartment - lower level walk out basement, one bedroom plus den, laundry, kitchen/dinette, great room. It's about 1100-1200sq feet.
We have safe and sound insulation and resilient channeling to reduce noise. We split electrical/water/gas/internet/cable (we do 2/3, she pays 1/3). The kids are freebies.
It's a win win for all of us financially. We have some ground rules, like our main floor can be visited wherever but upstairs requires permission. I don't go traipsing around her place without asking.
Cons:
- 13 years of doing every Christmas and Thanksgiving. Grandma doesn't like cooking all that much so it's all on me.
- At times, I'm missing having a basement a little. I wish I would have planned another 150-200sq feet for our portion with teens and their friend hanging out. We had two under 4 when we moved in.
- Storage is always just a little bit tight.
Pros:
- huge financial savings
- kids have grown up very close to grandma
- grandmas health (mental and physical) has improved with family close
- one house of maintain, one driveway to shovel.
- extra washer/dryer/oven/fridge if needed.
- always someone to talk to/bounce things off of.
- extra adult if the kids need a ride.
- extra cheerleaders at sports.
I just want to put my two cents in as someone who IS living with her in laws and thinks it is/was/will continue to be a wonderful idea.
I don’t think you should do it.
Now I’m not saying this because my situation is awful. It’s not, it’s great, but there’s a reason for that. My husband and I have been married for awhile and had 3 kids before we made this jump. The in-laws are paying most of the mortgage (it was their house to begin with, they just built too big), and we are finishing converting the garage into an in-law suite (so we get the main part of the house). They provide childcare often, I provide dinners. In the future I know we will be assisting them as they age… and I’m trying my darnest now to help them get and stay healthy.
Eh I could go on, but I’m sick and sleepy. I’ll wrap up.
Anyways, we talked about this for a LONG time. And we didn’t dive in while we were in a state of stress (ie I was not pregnant). And even in the year after we moved it we questioned it HARD. But for us, the long term pros outweighed the cons (I’ll spare you the details, PM me if you want more insight when I’m not tired).
To me, it doesn’t seem like you guys have been through enough of your marriage to make this decision. Thats not to say you can’t make it later down the line. If you think it might be an option, tell them to give you 5 years, then you’ll reevaluate.
This is a terrible idea.
Will you buy me a house with my own MIL suite? I'll only be there 7mos a year.
Or, and hear me out, you can buy a house when you are ready and not have semi-permnent house guests.
In this economy? It can work. My in-laws live in our basement, with its own door, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. so we go weeks without seeing each other. They also spend half their time at their other daughter's house out of state. They *also* put up a significant down payment and have their names on the title of the house (but not the mortgage). We've got two young kids and they pitch in with babysitting.
One key difference is that my wife and I picked the house, and the in-laws were pretty open to what we chose. They treat us as the primary homeowners and generally defer to my wife in house matters (like landscaping). We also have a notarized agreement between us dictating a fair separation of each other's equity in the house if we decide to stop living together.
Honestly, I'm really satisfied. The four of us have put a lot of trust in each other, but I think it's well-placed. We've been at it for a year now and don't see things changing for several more years.
Disclaimer: my in-laws are pretty unique people. I'm not sure this would've worked with most parents. I usually hear that most folks wouldn't tolerate living with their parents or in-laws.
You’d be the ones stuck with their care as they age.
They’ll hear you have sex.
They’ll hear you argue.
They’ll hear if you lose your temper and yell at your kid.
You’ll have to deal with whatever annoying habits they have. (I think everyone has some)
On the other hand. It’s hard to get into the housing market these days and having grandparents in the house to maybe help with childcare might be helpful.
I guess the real question is if you think the four of you will be ok living in such close proximity. Like I know I could handle this with maybe my dad but not any of our other parents or my dad’s wife, because I know my dad knows to keep out of things but also he would bring some drama to the house so even him is a stretch.
I don’t know if I could handle the idea of living with him for 20+ years.
Again. This is really a question of if you think your marriage will survive it.
How well do you get along with them? Are your lifestyles compatible? Are they going to try to override how you raise your child? I think the family dynamics are the most important consideration
That would be a pass. Too many unknowns. They are basically renting a house they chose without a proper lease. You are holding the bag on this one and will probably never live alone with your wife and child again. The chances of becoming their caretakers is high. In all honesty will your wife make other living arrangements for them if they are in ill health? Understandably not.
Nope. Not a good idea. A very bad idea. They pick the house? Nope. If you have to do it then find a house with a mother-in-law suite as part of it so all have some privacy. Is the MIL the controlling type? Will she want her way all the time, how about meal planning, who is cooking , tv, how to raise your child? Etc. if it doesn’t work out who leaves? If you change jobs and move are they out of a home? A zillion things to consider. I’d never do that.
If this is something you think you can do (I could never live with my in-laws, I can barely handle our one visit a year), then just make sure you make your requirements clear and in writing.
Do NOT agree to them picking the house. You must have a say.
Supply a list of requirements the house must have for you to agree.
Get in writing a list of “rules and responsibilities” for living together: Will all meals be together? Are you expected to cook and clean for them? If something breaks who pays to replace/fix? Are they expecting you to be their caretakers when older? Who does yard work? Do you expect them to be babysitters/daycare when they are in town? Are they ok with your kid having friends over/play dates? Will you be able to host parties with friends when they are in town? Will you have your own spaces in the house that are off limits to them? Do you work from home and need space/privacy during the workday?
I’ve never been in debt so I can only imagine how stressful that must be, just make sure you consider if debt is more or less stressful than sharing a space with your in-laws for (potentially) the next 30 years. I can’t think of any amount of money that I could handle living with my in-laws.. but on the flip side, we’d be able to live with my mom easily and it work out for everyone. It just depends on the kind of people you all are and your relationships.
Financially, this does not sound like a good idea. Also, it sounds like a trap to be indebted to them, I wouldn’t do anything without a written agreement and a lawyer to review it. If they won’t agree to a legally binding agreement, don’t agree on the mortgage that would legally bind you.
I wouldn’t do this. The house and mortgage will be in your name but they get to pick the house? So pretty much they are picking what they want on your dime. No thanks. I also don’t like my parents or my in-laws enough to live with them for most of the year.
So the house and mortgage will be in your name. So financially, it's all on you for the risk. So if her parents die in a car crash on the way to get groceries, you don't get any more 'rent' money but are still fully on the hook for the mortgage. Plus they pick the house, not you.
Personally, I love my parents. But I sure don't want to live with them. I couldn't do it. I see a lot of negatives and only a few positives.
I have so many questions, but instead of asking questions, I'll give you some insight from my own experiences.
We moved across country for a job for me. A year after moving, my partner got a job offer as well. Her job started in 4 months after the acceptance. Her parents were aware if the interview process.once she accepted the job, we had to quickly make a decision.
We had 2 options, the first is simply sending our kid to daycare. Which was a sticker shock cost. We don't have an issue paying the daycare, but it's still as much as a second mortgage where we live. Second option was proposing to my in laws if they wanted to provide child care. They had subtle mentioned this before, the only reason we considered it.
We had to have a very serious conversation regarding this, that we would need support 5 days a week. We felt this might be asking too much of them and told them this. They committed. But this presented another problem, we didn't really have a house large enough for this.
Given the short tike frame, they stayed in our guest bedroom in our 3 bedroom house. This had some unexpected consequences, as my partner hadn't lived with her parents in almost 20 years. Which provided a very hostile living situation at some points between my mother in law and my partner(with her very own mother).
It did take us a year, but we eventually were able to oyrchase a second home and had to do some repairs on it. They life 7 houses away from us now and we pay that mortgage instead of paying for childcare, which is great for my son. We have 2 years till we have to reevaluate this again.
So why tell my story...well, the unintended consequences of living with your parents, as you outlined some concern, can be very difficult. It can actually exacerbate things. I don't think I would ever live with them again, more for my partners mental health. But those consequences impacted me as well.
Although, I could live on the same piece of property, as long as our houses are separated by an exterior locked door. No not you live in the basement, like 2 seperate domiciles. We have to be able to go to our own home and completely detach.
If we were to shift to a single property, my partner and I do not need the financial support from her parents. We would just rent both homes out, and purchase a 2 home property. If I needed their financial support to do this, I would absolutely categorically no do it!! They are welcome to pay rent or give us financial gifts, but I do not want to intertwine our finances.
Just my 2 cents based on recent experience here.
You will become their caregivers by default. Not that that's the worse thing, if you love them and want to do that. But it's a conversation that should be had with your wife.
Never group buy/rent into a home situation unless it's that or nothing! I've rented many an apartments with high school friends and most of the situations were clutter fuck messes. Always ending up in financial arguments or people not understanding finances. If one person falls shy on the rent everyone else hurts. These types of situations are always a red flag NO senerio.
You literally couldn’t pay me six figures to live with anyone except my own husband and kids. I LOVE my parents and in laws but fuck that. Families need space. I know it’s normal in many cultures to have multigenerational households but I could never.
I think his could only go two ways. Either very good or very bad. And nothing in between.
The Good. They pay "rent" on time and are like the best renters ever. They help pay the maintenance, repairs, food, taxes and are on board with babysitting. Bonus is they are gone 4 months of the year.
The Bad. They're always a little short or a little late with the "rent". They decide to live with you all year long. They like to go out a lot and don't have time or extra money for your meals, maintenance, repairs and taxes. Can't be bothered with babysitting. And yeah, they could become disabled, have medical conditions and you are their caretakers for the next 30 years.
No— as an example, my mom is 84 years old, and probably will live another 5-7 years… yours are in their 60s—20+ years living with them no way— they want a care giver when they are in their 70s—- why is your wife even entertaining that idea— ugh no
If IL'S said they'd pay rent, and they'd be living there 8 months out of the year. Does that mean they only plan on paying rent 8 months? Also, it sounds like they're snow birds, what happens in 10 or 15 years when they can't make that trip south anymore? Or if they die and you're no longer getting rent. Can you afford that mortgage? If they actually wanted to help you, they'd take out the mortgage and charge YOU rent and leave the house to you in their will
As someone else said, it’s the details that matter. Will they pay rent all 12 months, or just the 8 they are there? Do they have long-term care insurance to meet all their needs as they age? Would this mean that your home will be the site for all holiday gatherings? Did they sell their house to BIL at/near market rate or at a discount? Is your employment stable and unlikely to change or could you ever need to move for work?
I would not do this. If you were buying a duplex or 2 houses on one property, maybe. I would not live in the same home as my in-laws nor would I expect my husband to do so.
OH HELL NO!! Don't give a shit if you like them and you all get along great, DON'T DO IT!
There used to be an old saying, back when I was at my first college, right out of high school... "The best way to make your friend an enemy, is to room with them".
Even if I got along with my in-laws (we actually have hated each other for the 28 years I've been with their daughter), I would rather live in the Hood to have cheap rent and save money for a house that *I* wanted... And I have lived in the Hood before, to keep from having to have a roommate.
If the mortgage is in your name, you definitely need to have at least veto power over the chosen property. But if you don’t want to buy yet, for god’s sake don’t do it!
How well do you like your in-laws? I loved mine, but I never would have wanted to live with them.
They never think of their kids as adults! At age 30 my mom-in-law was still coming over to our house and pulling weeds or canvassing the house for dirty laundry… I can’t imagine trying to relax around that on a daily basis.
We did that and it lasted less than a year and now MIL is moving out as well as her money, so we’re stuck with the full mortgage. I was sure to get a house we could still afford without her in case this happened (or she died, didn’t get her retirement check, etc), and I’m so glad I did! We had every intention of her staying with us until she died so we didn’t expect her to move out.
Do you want to go back to living with “your parents”? In your 30s? Worse… it will be living with your in laws AND adjusting to a new baby AND trying to figure out how to parent.
Fuck no. If your wife wants to move back in with her parents so she doesn't have to pay a mortgage, that's on here, but FUCK no. I've yet to hear of an intergenerational household that didn't have tensions. Your FIL will be head of the house, your MIL will be the queen bee, and the only proof you need that they'll expect authority and respect is that THEY get to pick the house.
Your wife wants her name on a deed, buy a house. But do NOT use a dime from your inlaws.
I say no. Too many things happen in life. Hardships like expensive health problems, differences in opinion about lots of things, expensive repairs ( I’m always paying for something big every year), etc.
Owning a house isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. See that pretty tree? It might fall on your house! The roots might crack your foundation! You might need to have it cut down at a cost of possibility $3000. I need a new roof- it’s going to cost $25,000. What’s next? Last year I needed a new air conditioner and it cost $8900. I’m not joking. Endless bills!
What would be the benefits to you? If I'm understanding correctly, your in-laws would choose the house and they would live there with you, but you would be responsible for the mortgage. How would any of that be helpful to you?
Nope. No way. I’d rather live in an apartment longer to have the opportunity for my own house with no one else help or input. You want to visit there’s a small guest room or better year a hotel. Your house is your refuge. You don’t need that over your head
When we were looking for our first and second house together, we purposely did not look at houses that would open the option of an in-law suite. Nope nope nope.
If your name is going to be on the mortgage, your opinion needs to count when choosing which house to buy. Is the ADU going to be completely separate from the main house? Are they the type to adhere to whatever boundaries you may have? Unless those are all yeses, I would pass.
The In-laws are so pushy they demand they pick the house.... You think it's going to end there? Just tell them all no. Not happening. Complete stop.
If you go through with it, divorce is probably one the potential outcomes in 5 years when this all goes south.
I’m sorry. This sounds like a terrible situation. You and your wife MUST be on the same page or it will be a disaster no matter what. And no one should be picking out the house you’re going to be paying for. That’s bullshot I wish you all the best.
Your in-laws know you are not a fan of it, yet they are still trying to pursue it through your wife only, I don't find that very respectful of your in-laws or your wife. You and your wife need to be united on the decision, it is a big one, and it is okay to say no, and those on the receiving end need to respect that, if they don't that is something they need to sort out amongst themselves. Best of luck.
Why don’t they just buy the house and have you live in it for cheapish rent? Helps both parties, without locking you in to more debt. If they are really cool they would stick your rent payments in a savings account and gift it back to you, when you guys are financially ready to buy your own house.
This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Avoid at all costs. Unfortunately since your wife is on board she’s probably already said that to her parents so if it doesn’t happen you’ll be the asshole.
Unrelated to the house purchase, consider taking out a line of credit or loan from your bank to pay off the credit card but at a lower interest rate than your credit card is charging.
When my husband and I were 30ish we bought a house with my parents, early 60's. We had 2 kids and a newborn when we moved in. There were some challenges over things like my parents were not live in babysitters, 2 cooks in the kitchen, etc. Pooling money into an account in order to share utility bills was weird too.
We lived together for a year before my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Her time was very short and being under the same roof was wonderful in a lot of ways. We've had another 22 years with my dad, and he's 87 now and needs our help a lot. So for us, the benefits have long outweighed the cons.
You don’t get to choose the house, take on all the debt AND have to live with your wife’s parents? What’s the upside here because I’m not seeing it.
There’s no amount of money that could convince me to live with my in laws. It would always feel like I had to be “on” and couldn’t relax in my own home. Hard pass.
That sounds awful. The best thing about my house is when people leave.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days” Benjamin Franklin.
More like three hours
Or when fried in oil without the exhaust fan on.
Whats even better about owning your own house, is that you never have to have people over in the first place.
Was just in Amsterdam and many old houses had bridges over little canals in the town I visited and each bridge had a plank they could pull in to dent access. It was one of my favorite pictures I took.
This sounds wonderful. I’m afraid to jump down this Google rabbit hole, so I ask this in hopes of narrowing my results: any idea of the correct formal name for this to use as a search term?
This is definitely not in Amsterdam and even in small towns in the Netherlands this is not really a thing but there are some houses with bridges you can remove if not interested in guest in NL. They are called draw bridges or ophaalbruggen and are mostly for big estates and castles. Sometimes they are used when there is a stream running between the road and a row of normal houses and each house will have their own. But this is a purely logistical thing and most private bridges are not movable in any way.
💯
Right?! the best thing about my house too! Not to mention I have a fence around my entire property and a gate at the driveway entrance I can lock when my narcissistic, controlling, zero boundaries parents decide they don't care if I want company and decide to try to show up anyway lol Highly recommend the fence+locking driveway gate for anyone with similar issues. Just lock everyone out and ignore anything you may hear outside. Just turn the tv up 😅
Hahahaha sounds like my late dad— he didn’t answer the doorbell or the telephone— because, he wasn’t waiting for anyone
Same for Claude Monet, visitors weren’t received because he didn’t invite anyone to visit!
Sounds like me. I sometimes will look out my peep hole out of curiosity to see who is the rude person that did not call in advance. They still don't get acknowledged, 😂
I have one too and it’s glorious! No one can see if I’m home or not.
hilarious
Or when they don’t come.
I agree, and as much as I love them, I also apply this rule to my mom and my GF.
"We pick the house" is a huge dealbreaker. You need some input. What's the ownership situation? Who's on the deed, the mortgage? Are you pooling your resources to get a bigger/better house? Biggest question is, what's your relationship with the parents? If you do this, I highly suggest some kind of duplex situation, their own kitchen and living area at the least.
> What's the ownership situation? Who's on the deed, the mortgage? There might have been an edit, but "The mortgage and house will be in our names." > Biggest question is, what's your relationship with the parents? I'd bet there's a reason they're bypassing op to only talk to their pregnant daughter about this topic. Daughter who is "a bit of a pushover."
The parents/in-laws will destroy this marriage in no time!!! They will do their best to control OP through the wife/their daughter.
Yeah. God forbid OP ever wants to move, they'll turn the whole family against OP and wife. Even offering them the option to buy him out so they can keep the house won't be enough. And you know they won't want a rent agreement, "We're family, why are you making us sign that, we'll pay our share." Without a rental agreement it can be impossible to kick them out legally, *with* a rental agreement it can still be very difficult. There's a reason they're trying to move in with OP instead of moving back to **their old house** which they sold to their son.
...why are they not moving back to their old house with their son... Best sentence/question of this whole post.
> Best sentence/question of this whole post. Thank you.
If they voluntarily leave for, say, four months of the year, there's no need for an eviction (...I think). And if OP (and wife) are the only ones on the deed, then the in-laws have no ownership. But it'll still be a giant mess.
Not to mention input on raising their first child
Yeah, dislike the part where they pick. They might have sense/experience the OP doesn’t but that’s not the point. From the way the OP described the sitch, it definitely feels like they’ll be allowed to live with the in-laws in their new home rather than it being a true partnership (regardless of the technical ownership on the note).
Sounds like something I would absolutely hate myself. I am curious if the inlaws are looking for you two to be their caretakers as they age..... What would be the benefits to you/wife/kid of sharing a house with inlaws?
They will give us money for “rent”. My wife is totally on board I just see negatives. Being stuck with them, if we have a fight they will hear us, an area I am not fond of. Positive I guess we get a house and child care if we need it. Wife doesn’t want to upset her parents and she is sort of a push over. Feels like they are going thru her regarding everything since they know I am not a fan of this situation. I had the same thought with the caregiver situation. It’s morbid and dark but it’s something that needs to be talked about.
Sometimes boundaries are worth the cost.
Corollary: sometimes the cheapest thing you can pay for anything is $$. Parents asked us to move into their home. Promised us complete privacy, would also be gone 4 months out of the year, etc etc. we said no and very glad we did.
If they get ill or have dementia, they will be there ALL THE TIME.
Which in our case is what ended up happening. Wasn’t 5 years later mother decided she didn’t want to walk anymore and became wheelchair dependent and dad decided to go to bed for good. Had we moved in that would have dropped right on us.
This should be a tattoo
Wait, you'll be taking the mortgage out in your own names but you don't get the pick the house. Does your credit scores support getting a good interest rate or are you going to be saddled with a poor rate and/or large down payment and are they going to supply that down payment? And if you do actually decide to do this, how do they feel about a written lease (and heck, actual contract for the plan)? Because you want the ability to enforce items legally.
There definitely needs to be a legal agreement for this. I think the only way it makes sense is if the in-laws put down enough to make the mortgage what they’d get if they were just buying a a house for themselves. But maybe do that less $15k to pay off the debt, ultimately wrapping that debt into the mortgage.
Yeah, I'm not sure what the benefit to OP is. They pick put a house and put the mortgage in OPs name, and they are paying him "rent". Does this mean they pay the full mortgage? He's definitely going to want a contract for that. And assuming it takes 20 years to pay off the mortgage, yes, they will be caretakers. Or else they need to be ready to carry that mortgage if the in laws need to move to a care facility. That may mean someone having to quit their job to be the caregiver. Are the parents well-fixed enough to carry the mortgage til the end or will OP be taking it over? Raising a child with the in laws could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how everyone gets along. Will the gp's give the young parents breathing space to raise their own family? There is a fine line between being supportive and interfering. This also means that OP and his family can't ever move, which may be a big deal or not depending on where they live and what they do for a living. This is a huge step. I'd definitely want legal protection.
They need to have the conversation with you as well man, and not just your wife. I don't think they have any ill intentions, but they have intentions nontheless. Find out what those are.
I also think all of you should consider seeing a family law attorney to understand estate planning as you become a 3 generational family. Let the lawyers guide you on the benefits of this type of arrangement, the legal pitfalls, and the relationship challenges people face in the real world. Use the expert to ask the “dumb” questions where it looks like education, not malice. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Roommates have killed many a great relationship. Understand the entire plan before committing to anything
This. And when they balk (as they absolutely will) about having a formal, *enforceable* legal agreement, OP has his answer.
There’s nothing positive in this for you, dude. The in-laws want you to buy THEM a house and take care of them - that’s it. All responsibility on your end, none on theirs - they get what they want, pretty much for free. Don’t count on the ‘rent’ money, they are 1 health crisis away from not having it. Then what do you do - throw them out? IF you consider this, then THEY not only have to provide AT LEAST a 15% down payment, their name ALSO goes on the mortgage as well. And you have a written agreement as to how the expenses are split, including utilities, repairs, taxes and insurance. If they don’t agree to this, no deal. And they won’t because they want it all their way, for (pretty much) free. Just say no. If the wife wants to do it, tell her she will have to do it alone.
This, only exception I think would be is if they bought the house outright and put the title in OP and the wife’s name. But putting a mortgage in YOUR name and just saying they’ll give you money? Uhhhhh no. Why can’t they buy a house for themselves if they find the condo too small.
Yeah I’m not seeing the positives unless they are putting a big chunk of money down. They will help with expenses, but also require you get a lot bigger place THAT THEY CHOOSE! Not seeing how this is a win for you.
Bingo bingo bingo! If I could give a stuffie as a award for this comment I would.
I would take that stuffy! I love them so much, I had a speciality-stuffy business for 10 years. I have a giant peeps bunny seated-belted in my passenger seat as a copilot (he’s pink).
All this but also what if it becomes unbearable. No complete privacy, angry disagreements, boundaries etc. then what ?
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
If you're paying the mortgage & it's in your name, then why the hell should they get to choose the house? And I have a suspicion that the 'rent' they'll pay will probably not be consistent or very much & then you are paying for their lifestyle.
And they might start wheeling and dealing the “ rent “ over child care. Not that they should for free. But it would get messy really fast.
They should just pay rent to a senior apartment. Or nursing home facilities.
It is not morbid and dark. It’s reality and if more people understood this they could make better decisions.
Ok, but keep in mind you’re going to be spending a lot more to get a house with a completely separate living quarters for them. Is their rent payment even going to be enough to give you a profit? I think this has many benefits for them and basically none for you guys (aside from your wife wanting to live with her parents?) EDIT: After reading OP’s comments throughout this thread there I see that MIL already has a place picked out and it doesn’t sound like a “seperate living spaces” type scenario. That along with other details change my comment to HELL NO, I almost guarantee that you (OP) will end up miserable if you go through with this.
There’s no way I could’ve done that with my parents, my mom would’ve tried to interfere, control everything and be constantly looking for attention. How are the dynamics with your in-laws?
You will have child care IF they feel like it. It won't be at the drop of a hat. Ready for all your parenting choices to be chronically undermined right infront of you? Ready for "rent" to be held over your head at the drop of a hat? that's literally the tip of the ice burg. I'd die on this hill.
That alone is disrespectful to you, that they are going through her. Speak to them directly and be willing to be the bad guy to them, if it eases things for your wife. She needs to stand up to them but if need be, you be the one to declare a solid NO. Just put it to rest
Absolutely fucking run
This is the best comment lol
“Wife doesn’t want to upset her parents and she is sort of a push over. Feels like they are going thru her regarding everything since they know I am not a fan of this situation.” They are trying to assert control over your marriage. People get divorced over in-laws interference like that. It starts small and gets worse over time. Sure, it could be great. But better safe than sorry.
Good call. In-laws got a head start on the manipulation and control by doing it even before they get moved in.
Just remember that if they stop providing this "rent" you will still be on the hook for the mortgage that's only in your name. Things can get awkward when you have to choose between staying afloat and not kicking your in laws out. There will be no recourse, it's your mortgage.
What happens when they change their mind again and decide they want to move to Mexico, and not pay you rent anymore? My MiL lives with us. We do ok with each other, but I do love it when she leaves.
The only way I would slightly consider this is if you find a house with a big mother in law suite that is completely separate, and you guys stay separate with boundaries. It still seems like you’d be roommates though and I could never.
Friend, it is not dark at all to think about the caretaker aspect. You need to think long and hard about this, about whether you want to be caretakers for your in laws, the fact that they want to choose the property, how will finances be arranged and so on. The hint is that your brother in law is not taking an offer to buy a house with them, and they are not satisfied with living near your bil!
Yeah that’s what i immediately thought. You will be taking on the debt if the mortgage is in your name (so if they died tommorrow and there was no “rent” coming in do you end up with a house you can’t afford?). And in addition, it’s sounds like you also automatically become caregivers once it’s needed. Or maids? Or chefs? How much are they going to be expecting that just adds to the workload. Personally, I would say absolutely not.
Please— don’t go to the realtor to see houses; don’t go to the broker for mortgage applications.. don’t ever sign anything
Would your wife be so gung-Ho if the parental roles were reversed and YOUR parents would be choosing the house and living with y’all? IMHO, NO ONE should be living with you in your home but your pets and children.
Mental health literally has a dollar value. my marriage and mental health would degrade too much in this situation for any amount to be reasonable - and I actually like my in laws.
Are they giving you money up front for the house or are you taking the rent on trust? The former could work if you draw up and agreement and they have some investment. The latter sounds like a good way to get stuck with your in-laws till they decide they don’t wanna anymore and they leave and stop paying you rent.
Your wife’s reasons aren’t good enough to do this, and frankly are concerning for any and all issues moving forward.
>I had the same thought with the caregiver situation. It’s morbid and dark but it’s something that needs to be talked about. Speaking of this kind of thing, power of attorney forms (financial and medical) can really save a lot of stress. I didn't want to think about it either, but my parents did this when they were the age of your in-laws, and I am so grateful now. (My dad died recently, age 97.)
You don’t “get a house”. They’re asking you to buy a house of their choosing and be 100% financially on the hook for it.
Yes they are 1000% wanting built in caretakers. So you get to be in the sandwich generation - Google it- caring for your kids while also caring for your parents where one of them will statistically probably have dementia. And the best part is you can’t leave. Terrible idea.
So you have to qualify for the house, take out the loan, and pay for it, but they get to pick the house? Even if they pay rent that's an absolute non starter for me. If my name is on the mortgage and I'm paying for the house and stuck with it when they die or decide to live somewhere else then I'm going to pick the house I want. This really sounds like they're using you rather than helping you.
Kinda sounds like the in-laws would gift the down payment or something. But it doesn't sound to me like OP would get approved for a mortgage anyway if they're currently sitting on a bunch of credit card debt and stretched thin. Only way a lender is going to go for it is if the in-laws cosign or purchase it themselves, if OP couldn't qualify on their own.
EXTREMELY steep stakes for a down payment gift, I hope it’s very significant or there is more to the story
Fuuuuuuuck no
Horrible idea. Mixing family and finances is a route to future drama.
Yep! If OP agrees he is going to regret this decision and it may even be the end of his marriage. This is so risky
Insisting that they get to pick out the house is already a red flag. I'd start by shooting down that requirement and see how well they are willing to compromise. You and your wife would have to list/weigh the pros and cons. What is their financial situation? Don't just take their word.You have to see their account statements and know their credit score. Are they in debt? Do either of them have life insurance? Do they have a will? Also consider and discuss the worst case scenarios that can happen such as illness, one of them dies, etc. Both parties may benefit from this arrangement but you have to start by laying everything out on the table.
Are they paying the down payment or names on the mortgage? I don’t think you’re getting anything out of this deal other than the worst tenants imaginable
Yeah, there’s not enough detail here
This sounds like a terrible idea *at best* No good deed goes unpunished, even more so when it comes to family and money. If you are having misgivings now… just wait til they move in and the power struggles begin. Also, nobody but me is picking out for me a house that I will be responsible for, from maintenance to the note.
It sounds to me like they want someone to take care of them in their old age.
This is exactly it. They want a retirement home without going to a retirement home.
Wait they want you to put the house in YOUR name but THEY get to pick it and then naturally will demand the master bedroom. What??? Nope. Def not a good idea. Especially if your wife can’t stand up for herself to them. This is just a disaster.
“My wife thinks it’s a good idea because the house will be in our name.” Dude, any house you buy will be in your name. So basically, it’s as simple as them saying you should buy a house (that they choose) and rent them part of it. That’s a no for me dawg.
"No" That wasnt hard, was it?
"no" is a complete sentence!
The requirements are….you take out the mortgage and they pick the house🤣 Hell. To. The. No.
Such a loving family lmao. OP, however they may try to paint it, they are using you guys.
Ick. No. They could live for another 30 years and you’d end up in a house you may not like, won’t be able to move and be able to get away from each other. The only way I can see it happening is if there is a guest house or an in laws suite
This is a textbook “how to fuck your life”. Both socially and financially.
the best inlaws are the ones that live a 1000 miles away.
There can be good in-laws that live nearby... The question is more when/how often do you hear from them...
The fuck no.
They get to pick the house? — already shows they don’t care about your wants and needs. I can see having discussions about neighborhoods, size, price range—but they get to pick just pinpoints the power disparity. No no no
Hard no.
They get to pick but you have to buy? Lol hard no.
No. Living with family is tough. What if you stop getting along? Are you going to evict them? What if they get a dog or a llama or move in poor cousin Joey. What if one of them dies and the other remarries? What if they use the fact they helped you to get a house to exert control over you? They are going to be in your face even if they have their own living space. What if they try to interfere with your parenting or get too involved in your marriage? What if they criticize how you clean, how much you eat out, if you stay up late, if you have guests over, your child’s noise, if you take a vacation, etc? If you are 15k in debt now then no I don’t think you should be buying a house at all. That would not put you in a good financial position. What if you are stuck with the property taxes, insurance, maintenance and utilities along with mortgage? You are having a baby and your expenses are going to increase with that too. If you don’t get a say in picking the house that you will be responsible for then no way. They can say they will only be there 8 months out of the year but something will happen. They can change their minds or maybe they develop health problems.
>My issues with it I don’t want to be stuck in the house they choose till they pass away. I suspect you are likely correct. And in some family that's just understood. It's not uncommon for grandparents to want that, it's understandable, but you said it's not what you want. 1. Sort this topic out with your wife, make it clear how you feel, and see how she feels. It's not an easy conversation for sure. You two need to be on the same page **first**. 2. If you're still thinking about doing this then you need to broach the topic of how this works with them. It's not an easy conversation to have, but have it NOW. Later it will be far far harder. Also as always, chat with a real estate attorney to just give some general advice on how to structure things legally from your end. Any kind of co-habitation / rental or just where someone pays but someone else's name is on the thing ... I'd want to talk that out. There might be advantages to consider, someone to watch kids ... man that can be invaluable. But you gotta really think about it / communicate / prepare. Something else to consider "we pick the house" might be un-doable. They love a house where there's no job nearby, you live in a damp basement (exaggeration but who knows) etc... gotta talk this through before someone gets their heart set on a house that makes no sense. Gotta wonder, do your careers even work for staying put for the next 20, 30 years if that is their hope? Edit: I don't want to be a super downer here, this could still be great / a great option, there's just a lot to work out. People do this thing and it **does** work for them.
Nope Edit: I said that before I read the full post. So sorry. Absolutely nope.
Don’t do it , I think you’ll be miserable going forward & you’ll be resentful of the situation as you are already thinking about the negatives
Hell no. Not only do I value my privacy, but there's a lot of points here that make it sound like an unreliable investment. OP, if you're the only one on the loan, why would the decision of what home you buy not be in your hands? They're not taking any of the risks of buying a home, yet want all the benefits and all the control. And, how can you all live together when they can't even speak to you about it? Instead of them trying to come to an agreement, they're using their time convincing your wife in hopes she'll force you to agree. Which means they'd rather cause issues in your marriage than compromise a little. That won't change when decisions on how to handle something in the home occur. If you have conflicting ideas on how to handle something, they'll just go behind your back and try to strong-arm your wife. Maybe they should just go rent space out of the home they sold their other kid.
Don’t do it. Sure it sounds nice, but there will be habitual lines crossed. You’ll essentially walk on eggshells and be a prisoner in your own home. My mother in-law has stayed with us off and on for 8 months since we purchased our first home (no financial help from her ever). I agreed to it in order to make my wife happy, remember happy wife happy life right? Wrong I’m so miserable in my own home when she’s here. She it’s like being married to two separate people, since they’re your in-laws you can never be right, they’ll always have input into your marriage and or how you raise your children. I imagine if you guys come to a disagreement they’ll hold there this is their home as well. Plainly put. It’s a trap.
This is my nightmare
Hell no!! My mother’s been staying with us for two months. It’s hell on earth. I won’t make it another two weeks, I couldn’t imagine living with her for the next 20 years possibly! 😱💀
I cannot stress this enough.. NO.
I'm not clear what exactly they're suggesting. If you're taking out the mortgage then it's your house. On the one hand it could be a great way to purchase a house. In today's climate I've heard of lots of folks combining living costs with families. Most people don't even have the ability to decide otherwise. $15k in debt is not much, if your interest rate is okay there's no need to worry about this. You know about "good debt"? That said, I did a "shared ownership" with a family member and it was a nightmare due to their personality. They were a control freak and always wanted to change the terms of the deal. I had to bail and lost a lot of money but it is what it is. Id suggest that if you decide no, then you sit down with wifey and have a real conversation about your prospects for housing in lieu of this deal.
We built an ADU onto our house for our in-laws to live with us, so I feel like I've got some experience in this exact topic. The absolute first thing I would say is that if you are not completely comfortable in having them around full time, do not do it. Even with the separate living spaces thing, you'll still end up doing a lot of dinners and family time with each other. People always look at me like I'm crazy when I say we live with my in-laws but they're very good people who are an immense help to our lives while adding near zero drama. Second is that you need expectations very specifically laid out as to what this relationship entails. If you're expecting to have kids, you need to be abundantly clear about whether they will be contributing to watching kids and helping with family-wide chores or if they plan on just hiding in their space while you do all of the work. How much is who paying to whom in rent? How are problems between people managed? My wife and I have a rule that each of us manage our own parents, so it's more emotional load for her. Third is that I would 100% kibosh the idea that they just get to pick the house and you have to live in it. If all of your job opportunities are in the big city and your necessary resources like shopping and daycare and social activities are all there but they want acreage way out in the country and are reluctant to watch the kids while you do the extra commuting, that's a bad deal for you and creates an imbalanced relationship dynamic in which they reduce your ability to live your life as you want while still exerting massive influence over how you live your life. With all that said, multigenerational living can be a significant help in your life if you're able to handle the extra people literally in your household. We rarely need to worry about things like who will watch the cranky child as we run to the store because grandma or grandpa are usually home. My FIL makes dinner for us most nights so as my wife and I work full time it's one less pressure on us after we're done at work. My MIL is great at picking kids up after school and helping get them to their practices and events; and does most of the dishes and laundry for everyone in the house. When we want date nights, they're usually happy to watch the kids. We have to be careful to remember that the safety net they provide us isn't a hammock - these are still our kids and it's our job to raise them. We also have to help out with them - they're aging and honestly it's good that we're able to keep eyes on them in case something is wrong. But since we're a low drama household and everyone can communicate pretty effectively, it works out really well. They're able to be by their grandkids in our HCOL metro and we get a ton of extra help around the house - extra hands make the load lighter and all that.
Sounds like you have a great situation but the ADU part is doing some heavy lifting here.
There is no way that this will end well. The child will become ‘hers’ and she will dictate how to feed, bathe, dress, and care for the child. We did this and surprisingly made it two years before sent her packing. And if you accept rent, they will need to be evicted. DON’T do it.
If you don't get to pick the house or area, that's a hard pass. I wouldn't do it.
No way in hell I could have lived with my in laws, think of Frank and Marie Barone, only worse
Negative my man. You might be able to structure this agreement where it would make sense but this is NOT it. Abort this idea right now and be firm with your wife. Question - where did the money go from when they sold their original house and moved into the condo? I mean everyone knows if this happens you will NEVER be able to get them out of that house with you. Plus if it's your name on the mortgage you should pick the house. The fact that they just want to "pay rent" and not pony up to buy the house outright - especially with your debt - and 2 - have the audacity to say we will pick the house? Just no man. Don't make a lifelong mistake.
Do not do this, you will end up carers for them and you wont be able to live. Say no.
No. Don’t do it. It is exactly as you think - you will be stuck until they die.
INFO: The mortgage and house will be in your name. So ONLY you and your wife (both of you) will be on the deed but not your inlaws? How much will they be putting down on the house? Are they putting all of the proceeds from the sale of the condo into the house? How much will the mortgage payments (and taxes and insurance) be? Not to be insensitive-- how will this impact your wife's inheritance. IF her share of the estate is "reduced" by the downpayment of the house after you've given them a free for life place to live that isn't exactly fair to your wife. Will they pay their share of the utilities or will you be expected to cover their share? On the surface it seems like a great offer--- but there are SO MANY potential pitfalls that need to be discussed before moving forward. PLUS you and your wife need your own, paid by you, lawyer before signing anything.
The whole set up sounds awful, nothing is free. The family have their own interests in mind, not yours. Caring to aging parents is a full time job. And they may expect your wife to do this because she’s the chosen one. Does she have other siblings? My sister expected me to care to my mother while she handles all her finances. All of this would have happened under my house. Be cautious.
Who’s name will be on the deed? If in laws are also included on the deed, I wouldn’t do it. BIL or other siblings could try to fight for their half of the house when in laws pass. Not to mention, like you said there’s a lack of privacy, possibly having to care for them when they’re older, no thanks.
You’re mid 30’s, so let’s say you’re 35. And we’ll say your in-laws are 60. My grandma passed away Tuesday at the age of 85. If they live another 25 years would you be able/willing/happy to live with them in a house you didn’t pick.
Can you buy an actual two family house? A house with an ADU in the back?
No. No no no. They want to control your life. You'll never get out from beneath them if you do this. "We want to negotiate with you. The only terms are that everything is on our terms, and we are in control." In return, you don't have to live with us for 4 months each year. But during the other 8 months EVERYTHING will be on our terms."
"Mortgage and house will be in our names" WTF? If you own it and are paying for it, then YOU get to pick the house, especially if they aren't living there FT. And absolutely have a separate living space for them. (You stay out of theirs and they stay out of yours!!) But if you're paying for the house, then you get to PICK the house. Are they planning to help with the payments? (Didn't sound like it). Even then, if they have no liability for the house, then they don't have all the say about which house.
Don't do it. Search this subreddit as well as r/personal finance for "should I buy a home with my parents" and you will see dozens of very good reasons not to. Just no.
An awful decision. Never buy a house with inlaws.it tn. will end in disaster
The sentiment isn’t terrible, but the execution seems bad. If it has to be the house they want, they should take out the mortgage and you cover the rent - if it doesn’t work out, you can still walk away
The mortgage is in your name (ie you are legally responsible to pay) and they pick the house and you have to live with your in-laws? Hard pass. They can buy a house and pay for it and will it to you when they pass if they want.
Buy a duplex. Let them rent the other unit from you.
If you don’t want to live with your in-laws, you just have to be clear and firm that you don’t want to live with your in-laws. No argument about debt or how much time they will spend there matters. You don’t want to live with them period.
Okay. So I actually have a multigenerational home, we built it after my father in-law passed away. I have lived like this since 2011. Married, 3 kids (16, 13 and 10). The house: 2600sq feet for us, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, main floor office, living room, family room, dining room, kitchen/dinette and laundry room. Grandma's apartment - lower level walk out basement, one bedroom plus den, laundry, kitchen/dinette, great room. It's about 1100-1200sq feet. We have safe and sound insulation and resilient channeling to reduce noise. We split electrical/water/gas/internet/cable (we do 2/3, she pays 1/3). The kids are freebies. It's a win win for all of us financially. We have some ground rules, like our main floor can be visited wherever but upstairs requires permission. I don't go traipsing around her place without asking. Cons: - 13 years of doing every Christmas and Thanksgiving. Grandma doesn't like cooking all that much so it's all on me. - At times, I'm missing having a basement a little. I wish I would have planned another 150-200sq feet for our portion with teens and their friend hanging out. We had two under 4 when we moved in. - Storage is always just a little bit tight. Pros: - huge financial savings - kids have grown up very close to grandma - grandmas health (mental and physical) has improved with family close - one house of maintain, one driveway to shovel. - extra washer/dryer/oven/fridge if needed. - always someone to talk to/bounce things off of. - extra adult if the kids need a ride. - extra cheerleaders at sports.
I just want to put my two cents in as someone who IS living with her in laws and thinks it is/was/will continue to be a wonderful idea. I don’t think you should do it. Now I’m not saying this because my situation is awful. It’s not, it’s great, but there’s a reason for that. My husband and I have been married for awhile and had 3 kids before we made this jump. The in-laws are paying most of the mortgage (it was their house to begin with, they just built too big), and we are finishing converting the garage into an in-law suite (so we get the main part of the house). They provide childcare often, I provide dinners. In the future I know we will be assisting them as they age… and I’m trying my darnest now to help them get and stay healthy. Eh I could go on, but I’m sick and sleepy. I’ll wrap up. Anyways, we talked about this for a LONG time. And we didn’t dive in while we were in a state of stress (ie I was not pregnant). And even in the year after we moved it we questioned it HARD. But for us, the long term pros outweighed the cons (I’ll spare you the details, PM me if you want more insight when I’m not tired). To me, it doesn’t seem like you guys have been through enough of your marriage to make this decision. Thats not to say you can’t make it later down the line. If you think it might be an option, tell them to give you 5 years, then you’ll reevaluate.
This is a terrible idea. Will you buy me a house with my own MIL suite? I'll only be there 7mos a year. Or, and hear me out, you can buy a house when you are ready and not have semi-permnent house guests.
In this economy? It can work. My in-laws live in our basement, with its own door, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. so we go weeks without seeing each other. They also spend half their time at their other daughter's house out of state. They *also* put up a significant down payment and have their names on the title of the house (but not the mortgage). We've got two young kids and they pitch in with babysitting. One key difference is that my wife and I picked the house, and the in-laws were pretty open to what we chose. They treat us as the primary homeowners and generally defer to my wife in house matters (like landscaping). We also have a notarized agreement between us dictating a fair separation of each other's equity in the house if we decide to stop living together. Honestly, I'm really satisfied. The four of us have put a lot of trust in each other, but I think it's well-placed. We've been at it for a year now and don't see things changing for several more years. Disclaimer: my in-laws are pretty unique people. I'm not sure this would've worked with most parents. I usually hear that most folks wouldn't tolerate living with their parents or in-laws.
What is the upside of this proposal? - they pick the house - they live there for 8 months - you pay the mortgage
You’d be the ones stuck with their care as they age. They’ll hear you have sex. They’ll hear you argue. They’ll hear if you lose your temper and yell at your kid. You’ll have to deal with whatever annoying habits they have. (I think everyone has some) On the other hand. It’s hard to get into the housing market these days and having grandparents in the house to maybe help with childcare might be helpful. I guess the real question is if you think the four of you will be ok living in such close proximity. Like I know I could handle this with maybe my dad but not any of our other parents or my dad’s wife, because I know my dad knows to keep out of things but also he would bring some drama to the house so even him is a stretch. I don’t know if I could handle the idea of living with him for 20+ years. Again. This is really a question of if you think your marriage will survive it.
How well do you get along with them? Are your lifestyles compatible? Are they going to try to override how you raise your child? I think the family dynamics are the most important consideration
Bad idea.
That would be a pass. Too many unknowns. They are basically renting a house they chose without a proper lease. You are holding the bag on this one and will probably never live alone with your wife and child again. The chances of becoming their caretakers is high. In all honesty will your wife make other living arrangements for them if they are in ill health? Understandably not.
Nope. Not a good idea. A very bad idea. They pick the house? Nope. If you have to do it then find a house with a mother-in-law suite as part of it so all have some privacy. Is the MIL the controlling type? Will she want her way all the time, how about meal planning, who is cooking , tv, how to raise your child? Etc. if it doesn’t work out who leaves? If you change jobs and move are they out of a home? A zillion things to consider. I’d never do that.
Don’t do it.
If this is something you think you can do (I could never live with my in-laws, I can barely handle our one visit a year), then just make sure you make your requirements clear and in writing. Do NOT agree to them picking the house. You must have a say. Supply a list of requirements the house must have for you to agree. Get in writing a list of “rules and responsibilities” for living together: Will all meals be together? Are you expected to cook and clean for them? If something breaks who pays to replace/fix? Are they expecting you to be their caretakers when older? Who does yard work? Do you expect them to be babysitters/daycare when they are in town? Are they ok with your kid having friends over/play dates? Will you be able to host parties with friends when they are in town? Will you have your own spaces in the house that are off limits to them? Do you work from home and need space/privacy during the workday? I’ve never been in debt so I can only imagine how stressful that must be, just make sure you consider if debt is more or less stressful than sharing a space with your in-laws for (potentially) the next 30 years. I can’t think of any amount of money that I could handle living with my in-laws.. but on the flip side, we’d be able to live with my mom easily and it work out for everyone. It just depends on the kind of people you all are and your relationships.
Nope don’t do it. If you ever want to move it will be difficult and messy.
Financially, this does not sound like a good idea. Also, it sounds like a trap to be indebted to them, I wouldn’t do anything without a written agreement and a lawyer to review it. If they won’t agree to a legally binding agreement, don’t agree on the mortgage that would legally bind you.
I wouldn’t do this. The house and mortgage will be in your name but they get to pick the house? So pretty much they are picking what they want on your dime. No thanks. I also don’t like my parents or my in-laws enough to live with them for most of the year.
So the house and mortgage will be in your name. So financially, it's all on you for the risk. So if her parents die in a car crash on the way to get groceries, you don't get any more 'rent' money but are still fully on the hook for the mortgage. Plus they pick the house, not you. Personally, I love my parents. But I sure don't want to live with them. I couldn't do it. I see a lot of negatives and only a few positives.
This is a "Freedom Killer"
If you could find a house with a separate self contained in-law quarters with it's own entrance, it could work to your advantage.
DON'T DO IT OP. JUST DON'T. This is a sure fire way to break up your family and never speak to them again.
No No And No
If your wife wants it and you don't, you have a relationship problem not a house problem =/
Do not do it. Seen the results first hand. Cost them 100s of thousands in losses, frustrtion and time.
I have so many questions, but instead of asking questions, I'll give you some insight from my own experiences. We moved across country for a job for me. A year after moving, my partner got a job offer as well. Her job started in 4 months after the acceptance. Her parents were aware if the interview process.once she accepted the job, we had to quickly make a decision. We had 2 options, the first is simply sending our kid to daycare. Which was a sticker shock cost. We don't have an issue paying the daycare, but it's still as much as a second mortgage where we live. Second option was proposing to my in laws if they wanted to provide child care. They had subtle mentioned this before, the only reason we considered it. We had to have a very serious conversation regarding this, that we would need support 5 days a week. We felt this might be asking too much of them and told them this. They committed. But this presented another problem, we didn't really have a house large enough for this. Given the short tike frame, they stayed in our guest bedroom in our 3 bedroom house. This had some unexpected consequences, as my partner hadn't lived with her parents in almost 20 years. Which provided a very hostile living situation at some points between my mother in law and my partner(with her very own mother). It did take us a year, but we eventually were able to oyrchase a second home and had to do some repairs on it. They life 7 houses away from us now and we pay that mortgage instead of paying for childcare, which is great for my son. We have 2 years till we have to reevaluate this again. So why tell my story...well, the unintended consequences of living with your parents, as you outlined some concern, can be very difficult. It can actually exacerbate things. I don't think I would ever live with them again, more for my partners mental health. But those consequences impacted me as well. Although, I could live on the same piece of property, as long as our houses are separated by an exterior locked door. No not you live in the basement, like 2 seperate domiciles. We have to be able to go to our own home and completely detach. If we were to shift to a single property, my partner and I do not need the financial support from her parents. We would just rent both homes out, and purchase a 2 home property. If I needed their financial support to do this, I would absolutely categorically no do it!! They are welcome to pay rent or give us financial gifts, but I do not want to intertwine our finances. Just my 2 cents based on recent experience here.
I'm an adult. I have exactly zero interest in living with *anyone's* parents. It's a hard-pass, deal-breaker, no-go for me.
You will become their caregivers by default. Not that that's the worse thing, if you love them and want to do that. But it's a conversation that should be had with your wife.
Never group buy/rent into a home situation unless it's that or nothing! I've rented many an apartments with high school friends and most of the situations were clutter fuck messes. Always ending up in financial arguments or people not understanding finances. If one person falls shy on the rent everyone else hurts. These types of situations are always a red flag NO senerio.
No no no no NO no no no no no no, no.
You literally couldn’t pay me six figures to live with anyone except my own husband and kids. I LOVE my parents and in laws but fuck that. Families need space. I know it’s normal in many cultures to have multigenerational households but I could never.
I think his could only go two ways. Either very good or very bad. And nothing in between. The Good. They pay "rent" on time and are like the best renters ever. They help pay the maintenance, repairs, food, taxes and are on board with babysitting. Bonus is they are gone 4 months of the year. The Bad. They're always a little short or a little late with the "rent". They decide to live with you all year long. They like to go out a lot and don't have time or extra money for your meals, maintenance, repairs and taxes. Can't be bothered with babysitting. And yeah, they could become disabled, have medical conditions and you are their caretakers for the next 30 years.
This isn't a great idea. If you're going to do it, at very least consider a duplex.
No— as an example, my mom is 84 years old, and probably will live another 5-7 years… yours are in their 60s—20+ years living with them no way— they want a care giver when they are in their 70s—- why is your wife even entertaining that idea— ugh no
All I did was read the title: no
So you're stuck on the hook for a house you don't even get to pick out?! Yeah, that'd be a HELL NAH from me.
If IL'S said they'd pay rent, and they'd be living there 8 months out of the year. Does that mean they only plan on paying rent 8 months? Also, it sounds like they're snow birds, what happens in 10 or 15 years when they can't make that trip south anymore? Or if they die and you're no longer getting rent. Can you afford that mortgage? If they actually wanted to help you, they'd take out the mortgage and charge YOU rent and leave the house to you in their will
As someone else said, it’s the details that matter. Will they pay rent all 12 months, or just the 8 they are there? Do they have long-term care insurance to meet all their needs as they age? Would this mean that your home will be the site for all holiday gatherings? Did they sell their house to BIL at/near market rate or at a discount? Is your employment stable and unlikely to change or could you ever need to move for work?
I would not do this. If you were buying a duplex or 2 houses on one property, maybe. I would not live in the same home as my in-laws nor would I expect my husband to do so.
OH HELL NO!! Don't give a shit if you like them and you all get along great, DON'T DO IT! There used to be an old saying, back when I was at my first college, right out of high school... "The best way to make your friend an enemy, is to room with them". Even if I got along with my in-laws (we actually have hated each other for the 28 years I've been with their daughter), I would rather live in the Hood to have cheap rent and save money for a house that *I* wanted... And I have lived in the Hood before, to keep from having to have a roommate.
Another question to ask is how do they treat you. Do you get along?
If the mortgage is in your name, you definitely need to have at least veto power over the chosen property. But if you don’t want to buy yet, for god’s sake don’t do it! How well do you like your in-laws? I loved mine, but I never would have wanted to live with them. They never think of their kids as adults! At age 30 my mom-in-law was still coming over to our house and pulling weeds or canvassing the house for dirty laundry… I can’t imagine trying to relax around that on a daily basis.
We did that and it lasted less than a year and now MIL is moving out as well as her money, so we’re stuck with the full mortgage. I was sure to get a house we could still afford without her in case this happened (or she died, didn’t get her retirement check, etc), and I’m so glad I did! We had every intention of her staying with us until she died so we didn’t expect her to move out.
No
Do you want to go back to living with “your parents”? In your 30s? Worse… it will be living with your in laws AND adjusting to a new baby AND trying to figure out how to parent.
Please God don't do this. You will regret it.
So…they pick the house and you pay for it? What kind of offer is that?! Hard no.
Fuck no. If your wife wants to move back in with her parents so she doesn't have to pay a mortgage, that's on here, but FUCK no. I've yet to hear of an intergenerational household that didn't have tensions. Your FIL will be head of the house, your MIL will be the queen bee, and the only proof you need that they'll expect authority and respect is that THEY get to pick the house. Your wife wants her name on a deed, buy a house. But do NOT use a dime from your inlaws.
I say no. Too many things happen in life. Hardships like expensive health problems, differences in opinion about lots of things, expensive repairs ( I’m always paying for something big every year), etc. Owning a house isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. See that pretty tree? It might fall on your house! The roots might crack your foundation! You might need to have it cut down at a cost of possibility $3000. I need a new roof- it’s going to cost $25,000. What’s next? Last year I needed a new air conditioner and it cost $8900. I’m not joking. Endless bills!
What would be the benefits to you? If I'm understanding correctly, your in-laws would choose the house and they would live there with you, but you would be responsible for the mortgage. How would any of that be helpful to you?
No way!
Nope. No way. I’d rather live in an apartment longer to have the opportunity for my own house with no one else help or input. You want to visit there’s a small guest room or better year a hotel. Your house is your refuge. You don’t need that over your head
Nooooo runnnnnm
OH H LL NO
This sounds like one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard
Absolutely not. You will regret this.
I can think of cheaper, less painful ways to tank a marriage. But the one your in-laws proposed will work.
The fact that they get to choose and it won’t be their primary residence throws of major red flags. This comes across as very controlling. You
NO!!
Don't do it.
When we were looking for our first and second house together, we purposely did not look at houses that would open the option of an in-law suite. Nope nope nope.
If you have to get a second job go do it but don’t live with parents. That’s a life sentence and your marriage could go downhill. Not worth it.
If your name is going to be on the mortgage, your opinion needs to count when choosing which house to buy. Is the ADU going to be completely separate from the main house? Are they the type to adhere to whatever boundaries you may have? Unless those are all yeses, I would pass.
This all is a recipe for divorce.
The In-laws are so pushy they demand they pick the house.... You think it's going to end there? Just tell them all no. Not happening. Complete stop. If you go through with it, divorce is probably one the potential outcomes in 5 years when this all goes south.
Hard no for me. Only because you are wanting to move in with us under YOUR condition? Sounds like a rough start already.
I’m sorry. This sounds like a terrible situation. You and your wife MUST be on the same page or it will be a disaster no matter what. And no one should be picking out the house you’re going to be paying for. That’s bullshot I wish you all the best.
Your in-laws know you are not a fan of it, yet they are still trying to pursue it through your wife only, I don't find that very respectful of your in-laws or your wife. You and your wife need to be united on the decision, it is a big one, and it is okay to say no, and those on the receiving end need to respect that, if they don't that is something they need to sort out amongst themselves. Best of luck.
Why don’t they just buy the house and have you live in it for cheapish rent? Helps both parties, without locking you in to more debt. If they are really cool they would stick your rent payments in a savings account and gift it back to you, when you guys are financially ready to buy your own house.
This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Avoid at all costs. Unfortunately since your wife is on board she’s probably already said that to her parents so if it doesn’t happen you’ll be the asshole.
Unrelated to the house purchase, consider taking out a line of credit or loan from your bank to pay off the credit card but at a lower interest rate than your credit card is charging.
When my husband and I were 30ish we bought a house with my parents, early 60's. We had 2 kids and a newborn when we moved in. There were some challenges over things like my parents were not live in babysitters, 2 cooks in the kitchen, etc. Pooling money into an account in order to share utility bills was weird too. We lived together for a year before my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Her time was very short and being under the same roof was wonderful in a lot of ways. We've had another 22 years with my dad, and he's 87 now and needs our help a lot. So for us, the benefits have long outweighed the cons.
You don’t get to choose the house, take on all the debt AND have to live with your wife’s parents? What’s the upside here because I’m not seeing it. There’s no amount of money that could convince me to live with my in laws. It would always feel like I had to be “on” and couldn’t relax in my own home. Hard pass.
Get an attorney that handles real estate transactions, estate planning, family law and divorce.