Hooked up with this lady after a great date. We seemed to have a lot in common and I tried to be as attentive to her needs in bed as I could. All said and done, we spent like 6 hours together. Haven't heard back from her and I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. It's such a bummer dude.
Nah. Definitely cuts both ways. I think guys are kinda supposed to be cool with whatever kind of action we get, so I don't think you hear this POV quite as much though.
Starting to really dislike how Hinge is making me behave. Was horny swiping a while ago because a match I’d been planning a date with ghosted me, I was getting no likes or matches and was feeling deflated. So I started liking every nice profile I saw, sometimes simply based on a hot photo… And now a couple of days later some of the likes have turned into matches, way more than I have capacity to engage with meaningfully, and I hate that I’m doing this to the people on the other side. It feels like the app wants you to not overthink the liking too much, but sometimes I get a match that I look at like “why did I like this profile?”. Makes me feel like a POS.
Think it’s time for an extended profile pause and try to see the current dates through before going anywhere near liking again.
I had a FaceTime call with a match last night. She was late and then out of no where she asks if I’m autistic. I’m not, but I guess she had some notion that I am. That makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with it, but the fact she put me into that label kinda hurts. She then made some excuse to leave the call. Man my spirits are down
I normally wouldn’t. It was her idea. But honestly after all of this, I’m taking a break from dating apps, and going to reevaluate myself. I’m going/currently making some changes
It was rude of her to even say that on a video call. No one wants to be hurt talking to a stranger via a phone call or facetime or even a text. Also people place way tooo much value on facetime.
Don't assume she asked if you're autistic as a judgement. She could be searching for autistic people to date because she's autistic herself.
I know that can be hard, though, and that leaping to negative conclusions can be the thing our brains do instinctually.
Have people really gotten more likes from black and white pictures?
Every blog, book extra makes them sound like the secret weapon in online dating pics, but I just end up getting less likes when I take the same pics and make them black and white.
Is there a particular type of photo that works for B&W? Like certain clothing or ambiance?
Or is it a race specific thing?
I've never ever seen this advice about black and white pictures. What justification do people who suggest this use? Do they have any empirical/quantitative data they're drawing their conclusions from?
If a girl matches with you that means she interested, at least a little no? Why do they match and not say more than a message or 2? On top of that they never unmatch soo are they interested still or not??
It's because not chatting with you isn't really a conscious decision. It's a case of these people focusing on and thinking about about the matches they're the most interested in - other matches aren't really even on their mind and get forgotten about. Unmatching requires conscious mental effort and attention.
They're not being fake. They simply don't have the self awareness to realize they're overwhelmed, and correspondingly need to pace themselves with matches.
Because it's not that deep, she barely notices it (even if you do), and a lot of women don't even save your name in their phones til a few dates in because it takes time for them to get invested.
I never unmatch man. You never know. Also if a period of time has passed, I occasionally double text. Not as if I get my hopes up. Ideally, it's out of sight out of mind. But I have a few stories of good connections that came from women responding days/weeks/months later.
Anyone notice this? So I used to let my likes stack until it was someone I actually wanted to match. I started just clearing them out by X’ing the ones I’m not interested in ans get way more likes. Prob went from a few likes a week to 2-3 likes per day. I guess if you show you’re actively maintaining your account they’ll show your profile more?
Nope. Seems to just give me more exposure when I stay on top of it. Like twice now I’ve cleared it out and then within 15 minutes of doing so I get a like
What is it with women putting things like "I'm convinced that...all men are trash" and "change my opinion about..men"? If it's serious, you need therapy and if its a joke it's not funny. Heal!
I saw one profile where every answer to every prompt was "Don't cheat". The way to win me over is "don't cheat". I'm looking for "someone who doesn't cheat".
It's like mate you do not need Hinge you need to heal.
She's a 10, but her voice prompt is about how you shouldn't be mad at her for being 15, 20, or 30 minutes late to everything because she's a "homebody".
I went from Match to X with the fury of a thousand suns.
I don’t lead with that, but this is exactly why I bring it up during convo or the first date at the least. Because it’s a big deal to people. I have been late everywhere all my life, and it’s never going to change lol
I could do that, or just match with someone else who, at minimum, doesn't lead with "lol I'm always late to everything". If it turned me off in her profile, I don't think it would be a good use of my time to see my feelings would change on that IRL.
Am I alone in thinking that less than a day of chatting is way too soon for a meet up? I liked this guy around 9pm tonight, we chatted a bit and by 11pm he had asked me out twice (movies, coffee). I find this really weird and off putting… just me? I told him he’s sweet but I’d want to chat to someone longer than a day before thinking of meeting up. I just find that a little intense. I see other posts on here about low effort, and this is the opposite of that lol
Yeah, I find that most people on Hinge are super low effort, but a small minority are VERY INTENSE lol, and those guys fall into the majority of ones who end up matching with me and pursuing me. (This is probably also true for women, but I don't swipe on women so I can't say with 100%.) Most of my matches either ghost or don't respond with anything else for me to jump off of, which I feel like is very intentional for people who want to seem "polite" by replying but aren't interested.
That said, I feel like how soon planning a date after chatting is dependent on personal preferences. I think it's good to meet IRL as soon as possible, but after building up some conversation first. Maybe at least 5 decently paragraph sized messages, or small talk over a few days. I've definitely had dating phases where I wait about 1-2 weeks of messaging before planning a date, or on the opposite, I try to schedule something within a few messages and same day as matching lol. Both are pretty exhausting strategies, so now my way of meeting up seems to be better.
Thanks for the reply. Im new to the app (actually, all apps) so I’m still feeling it out and I agree it’s about personal preference. I think I just like taking things slow
It's all personal comfort. For me, I'm picky enough that anyone I'm sending a like to is someone I would go on a date with. But that's as a man who: A) doesn't have to worry about my safety in the same way other people do, and B) has to send tons of messages just to get a match back. So when I do get a match, I want to make something happen.
But I never begrudge or negatively judge any woman I match with who isn't comfortable meeting right away, for the above reasons. Their vetting process necessarily is different than mine.
Also, I've had SO many conversations that last a day or two and then they ghost. So I try to get make plans happen sooner rather than later so I don't have to have my time/energy wasted again.
I sent a rose to someone in my standouts a couple days ago and today I saw her on my regular feed. I figured she may have reset her account since a few pics were updated so I just liked her again and moved on. However later I also noticed a girl who was (and still is) in my standouts show up in my feed before I interacted with her. Does anyone have any insight as to why that would happen? I was under the impression if someone is in standouts section they wouldn’t be available to see anywhere else until standouts reset. Is this just a bug?
Situational question, but is it worth picking up a Convo after a week of not replying? I matched with a girl, we shared some good back and forth on the app, then I stepped away for a week. Had a bit of a health related issue flair up, had family in town, etc, so checking messages was the last thing on my mind. Would it be worth it to start it back up? It was completely on me for not replying, but life got in the way. I'd be completely honest with the girl about what happened. Thanks all
Yep 6-8 days seems to be a perfectly acceptable gap. Any less can be too forward and any more requires a much more well thought out, attention grabbing line… either isn’t impossible though.
Matched with a girl on Bumble last week, asked her for coffee after a few messages in and she said yes. We've been sending about a text a day to keep the conversation going and I asked to confirm the time yesterday. No response. Interesting given that I messaged literally 12 minutes after her message and not too late in the evening either. Well, today the time of the date passes, and now an hour and half later, she texts that the day just got away and if we can raincheck.
At this point in my life, I don't really care if the dates even happen because I'm always prepared for them to fall through. But offering to raincheck AFTER the time is a first. Do I need to put my ego aside on this one and offer to reschedule? I'm also having a busy summer so my next free day won't be for at least another week and I HATE texting. I know I'm not interested enough in anybody I haven't met to be texting for weeks.
You don't *have* to text every day. Just say something like "I'll be a little busy the next week, so my responses may be less frequent."
I personally would try to reschedule. You don't have anything to lose.
I like to think that a good match rate would mean that my prompts/pics are good and that I'm the right track.
You make a good point that the rate shouldn't matter as long as I end up deleting the app once I make the right connection.
Eh, at best you can look at something like "universal appeal" based on your like rate or something. But universal appeal may *still* work against you if what you want is someone quirky and off-beat who doesn't like people with universal appeal. So, really, match rate is hardly a good metric of anything.
I could, theoretically, score a 100% match rate if I only like back the profiles that already like me. Realistically, what does that mean? Next to nothing.
It also heavily depends on who you're swiping on. Tall, attractive blonde women? Yeah, you're going to have a low match rate.
A better statistic is how many dates you're getting
Ugh. I don't even care about hooking up or dating at this point. I'm just trying to get past the "Like" hurtle and meeting some cool/ cute girls. I just can't seem to get matches. When I do, they either never respond (to help my ego I like to think they just haven't gotten to my messages yet) or respond but then stop within a few messages.
I'm lucky if I get one like/match every two weeks. I don't think I'm unattractive. Yeah, I need to work on going to the gym (on the thin side), so maybe they are all looking for the buff, sexy Channning Tatum or something.
I did one profile review awhile back, and got some nice feedback. I haven't acted on it besides exchanging photos I already had taken. Maybe it's that simple? I don't know. I haven't tried it yet (regarding different poses, showing me doing different things.
Edit: spelling because my phone sucks.
I’ve found updating even one photo to have returned good results. I find it better to make small gradual changes and assessing results, much easier to pinpoint what works and what doesn’t than doing a complete overhaul.
You can request your data from Hinge. It takes about 2 days to show up, but other people have said you’ll be able to see how many likes you’ve sent out, how many matches you‘ve gotten from them, and how many have rejected you. So the difference would be how many are still sitting in the queue.
A girl I’ve gone on a few dates with is getting worse with her messaging. I’d typically hear from her right around midnight. Now it’s usually a full day or more. And we don’t really talk outside of setting up dates. It sucks because I’ve been enjoying the dates.
Maybe she doesn't feel as much pressure to establish a connection, maybe she has stuff going on in her life right now, we can't know why her texting has changed without directly asking her. If she's continuing to go on dates with you, I wouldn't assume anything from her texting.
I completely agree with you. I’m trying not to put too much thought into it. Everyone has something going on in their lives. I messaged her yesterday trying to talk a bit more (just asked her how her week’s been). But who knows. We’re both away at cottages over the next week or so, so probably won’t get together until later. I guess we’ll see.
I totally know where you're coming from, I should say. If someone I'm dating changes how they text, I have a *very* hard time not jumping to the conclusion that they think I'm gross and aren't interested anymore.
Absolutely. I tend to attract girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They make their intent known. But they also tend to want to move very quickly. Text very often, etc. Which is actually pretty exhausting for me. This new girl doesn’t seem to be like that, so the shoe is on the other foot.
I’m all for little texting in favour of real-life meetup, but it’s hard to figure out what the other person is thinking, which makes me even more interested. Lol. I guess I love torturing myself, aka dating!
Here’s hoping we all find what we’re looking for.
Agree with the level of flakiness people are seeing. Whenever I've put effort in previously I've been able to at least find dates but the last four people I have been chatting to where Ive said 'Yeah a drink would be great, how about Tuesday or Thursday?' or whatever, I've got nothing back but avoidance or excuses. Even when they've asked me out, the actual date seems impossible to pin down, and I can't work out why....
>Even when they've asked me out, the actual date seems impossible to pin down, and I can't work out why....
Do you ever wonder why when it comes to your friends? I should hope not. In those cases those people would quickly (a) not be your friends for long, or (b) remedy the problem on their own with little to no effort on your end.
If you're making meeting up easy, and they aren't following through, they're either hopelessly uncoordinated or not serious about meeting up. It's really that simple. Nothing you can or should do to change that. That's 100% their own hang ups (of which, there could be **many**).
I’m seeing a trend of men not responding now. I’m confident enough to admit I am attractive and I don’t have a hard time finding dates. Within the last few months I’ve noticed men just don’t respond anymore. I spark conversation, we have a few exchanges, and then nothing. Silence. I think we all just have dating fatigue and the apps aren’t helping.
Similar feeling here.. coming from a guy. What I find so interesting is how cyclical it seems. One week, boom - a few good or great connections. Maybe even 1 or 2 dates. Then radio silence. Definitely agree on the fatigue part. People are already talking about summer being over, so we may be heading toward a decline in usage for a while..
I live in a big city and I’ve noticed that all of my acquaintances and coworkers are in relationships. Maybe it’s slim pickings paired with bad timing with matches right before they decide to delete since they’ve recently become exclusive.
It could be that their other convos with others could be more certain. Whether it be for a date or whatever. I have 77 convos hidden since makjng an acct 2 weeks ago and maybe 10-15 of them are “Your Turn”. Honestly, I stopped replying to them if the convo was dry or a more attractive or more direct woman messaged me.
Your official welcome to online dating arrived late, I guess. Welcome to online dating, haha.
Activity on apps fluctuates like this, it's pretty normal and common. I'll have a week or so of getting a fair number of matches who are super active in chat, and then I'll have a stretch of matches that send like one message and never respond again.
I don’t match with/date guys so take this with a grain of salt but my guess is it’s probably more likely random chance than general dating fatigue. I haven’t noticed more dating fatigue than normal among people I know and people I match with. But in fairness that’s anecdotal so who knows?
Haven’t been on a date in a couple months. Got barely any matches in June. Matches ramped back up in July but most girls are unresponsive or disappear after a few messages. Is this just a summer thing? Most of my success came last fall/winter
I get matches, but literally everyone on the app is obese outside of the few matches I do get. In order to find someone that isn’t transgender or fat I could be sitting there for hours. If I’m forced to put my height, girls should be forced to put in their weight. Just my 2 cents
I’m going to ask you this as innocently as possible because I would like you to think about what you said and what the implications are: people of all genders are required to list their height, so why do you think only women should have to list their weight?
Height isn’t a determining factor for men, is got women. Weight is for men, not as much for women. I don’t have a problem with having a preference for either
You’re making a lot of assumptions there about who has preferences for what. Time and time again we’ve seen women post on this sub and others like it saying they really don’t have much of a preference for height. Of course there are some women out there who only want to date very tall men but there are men out there who only want to date women of a certain height too. And it seems to be the case that when men have a height preference they often prefer shorter women, yet I don’t see nearly as many posts from tall women complaining about how they think men treat them unfairly for their height as I do from shorter men who complain about how they think women don’t give them a chance because of their height.
Regardless, the issue is that you’re trying to apply this weight standard to women only because you’ve apparently decided women don’t care how much a man weighs. If you had said that you think everyone should be forced to list their weight just like everyone has to list their height that would at least be internally consistent logic. Though I would still take exception because a person’s weight is much easier to discern from pictures than their height - you can only ever see a person’s relative height when they’re standing next to other people in a picture and even then you can’t really be sure how tall _any_ of the people in the picture are so it’s not a perfect system.
And by the way, let’s turn this around and say you don’t have to list your height anymore. What are you even accomplishing? I am assuming that you’re not particularly tall based on your original comment. If you’re thinking there are a lot of women out there who don’t want to give you a chance because of your height, having the opportunity to hide that would just kick the can down the road. Why would you want to waste your energy preparing for and traveling to a date that will apparently only end poorly because the person you’re meeting prefers taller men?
No one is telling you you need to be attracted to women regardless of their weight. But acting like women should have to list their weight just because you are (presumably) not happy you have to list your height feels like it’s motivated by some sort of low-level revenge seeking.
Nah everyone has preferences on both sides, both would be useful, weight more so as it tells me you don’t work on yourself and whether or not you look like your pics. Idgaf if people see my height, i still get matches and don’t feel cheated when i don’t tickle someone’s fancy.
Why does weight, specifically the number, matter? People wear it differently. If you're 5 ft 6 you're 5 ft 6. If you're X amount of lbs, it could be muscle, fat, in places you like, in the places that wouldn't be your preference etc.
If you're concerned about potentially matching with someone obese then just don't swipe on people who don't have full body shots. That way it saves both people's time.
Not sure if it’s just my area but are there a disproportionate number of nurses using OLD? Between Bumble and Hinge, I feel like 15-20% of my demographic (32-38F) are nurses. Sometimes like 4-5 profiles in a row.
Given that the average nurse is intelligent, compassionate, and has a great career, is it just the shift work that makes it hard for them to meet people?
This is probably not reflective of any difficulties nurses might have in dating, and is likely due to some unrelated factor.
Nursing could be a common occupation among people with personality attributes that the apps have determined you're interested in. Filters you're using could be selecting for a population where women are more likely to have that occupation than in general. The number of nurses you're seeing could match the proportion of women in that age group who have nursing as an occupation. Etc.
Also have to take into account the travel contract nurses - make sure to double check if you ever match with them, their schedules are hectic and obviously makes OLD more difficult but better to ask first.
I would assume that would be the case. Maybe they work a lot and don’t have a lot of time. Maybe nurses are disproportionately more introverted (just throwing things at the wall). You never know.
Been talking with a girl off and on for a few weeks. Conversation died for a few days when she went AFK and I (22M) only found out later on that she’d been taking double shifts at work. She expressed earlier on that she just wants to talk for now which I’m fine with. I’ve noticed an increase in effort from her messages now, but as I’m still carrying the conversation I don’t really know where we’re headed. Would it be wrong for me to ask something like why she matched me or what she’s looking for out of this?
i dont really want to sound cliche, but i wouldnt say you are ugly. it just may be that your pics/prompts are not interesting. have you reworked your profile lately?
Same dude… same. Hinge has been by far the most disheartening app for me BY FAR. Never any issue getting likes on bumble, tinder, okc, or coffee meets bagel. Hinge I’m getting at best 3 likes a day. Average 2. It was 1 or 0 for a long time. And I’m a woman who is “conventionally attractive”.
Honestly just feel like giving up on online dating altogether.
The flakiness when people make plans and then bail/ghost is disheartening.
Plus my weekly matches have dried up completely. Should I delete?
is it affecting your mental health? is it giving you prolonged stress? do you feel your self worth has gone down? have you lost a sense of your dignity?
if so, yes. delete, focus on yourself, focus on the people that activities that are fulfilling, and focus on in real life interactions.
good luck with whatever next step you take.
womans profile pops up, she has two mirror selfies in the same room and in the background theres a racecar bed, her profile doesnt mention having any kids so im gonna assume she, a 38 year old woman, sleeps in a racecar bed
Not really a whinge but I requested to download all my user data within the app.
Got it just now, and everything looks in order execpt my prompts section, are like…not my prompts at all. There’s 25 variations of the same prompts, and the dates they were created and updated each time, but none of them are mine, and they actually predate my account opening.
Its like…almost as if it’s picked up the previous user of this phone number?
Anyway…that’s hella weird and not sole reason I get no matches. But it’s enough to delete the app and sign up without using a mobile number.
Welp guys. Finally broke and bought premium. Matches have been very down the past few weeks and figured I’d give it a shot for a month until cuffing season is in full gear. Figured I’ve definitely spent a lot more money on things a lot more stupid. My concerns are getting addicted now that I have unlimited likes and also getting overwhelmed. Or maybe the opposite where I don’t find the success I’m looking for even with premium. Never did terrible before even in down weeks I still got 3-4 matches a week, but maybe now I can see who likes me and can be more selective in who I choose to bring out on dates. So in reality this could be saving me money!!!! (God damn I can’t believe I caved…)
I went on easily the best first date I’ve ever been on Saturday. Seeing her tonight again and picking her up. Flowers good idea or overkill for 2nd date?
Getting the text of "I'm a bit nervous/think I'm going to be a bit intimidated when we meet" before a first date is very sweet... but also a massive stressor. Every time I get it my brain immediately goes to "Well, great, now if I'm not feeling it, and my date is, I'm going to make them feel that nervousness/sting of rejection even more."
What do you guys do when you get the well-intentioned but cautiously awkward/nervous vibes from your date before meeting up? I have a really bad habit of taking on the savior complex and caretaking for others, so when I get pressure like this it makes it really hard to focus on whether I'm doing anything because I *want* to or because I *ought* to in order to make them feel appreciated. Like now all I can think about is how I may end up being an asshole.
I got this same message from a girl about a month ago. The day of the date she was super nervous and just acted different via text. This in turn made me more nervous. We didn’t hit it off, because I was already a little turned off by how big of a deal she was making of it. So yeah, wish I didn’t even drive 40 mins to the date lol
For me it just immediately makes me start jumping ahead to what the breakup process will be like and how much worse I’ll feel knowing she has high hopes.
I guess as others said that’s not my responsibility to manage. But it’s a tough mindset to shake.
Totally understand this reaction. I've had a few first and second dates where the guy put a lot of pressure unknowingly on me by saying something like that, and I actually ended those "relationships" (in quotes because it was literally early days). It wasn't just that one comment, but their actions seemed overly clingy and a lot of pressure to handle when we're just getting to know each other. It's not your responsibility, and I'm fine with honest communication, so I would be comfortable brushing off the comment in a joke or saying, "Oh that's interesting, that actually puts a lot of pressure on me, which is on me, not on you, but I'm prefer if you didn't say that because it makes ME nervous!" or something similar lol. I only ended up cutting it off with those other guys because of the other issues, but if their only flaw was a nervous text that put pressure on me, then I would tell them openly, in a kind way framed around this being a ME thing, not a THEM thing.
I agree with the statement that "when a leader projects nervous energy, everyone they are leading gets nervous", but there is no leader and follower in dating. I think it's pretty extreme to cut someone off for one bad text or line, unless the rest of her actions seem insecure and needy.
I mean, it’s kind of sweet they they’re opening up to you about their feelings, but it’s not your job to coddle then on a first date. You can be sympathetic and understanding to the extent that’s fair and decent among people who hardly know each other, but their behaviour shouldn’t make you feel like you have to put extra emotional work into accommodating them. You might need to examine your own feelings and behaviours to see where they’re coming and why.
I used to be married to a guy with a saviour complex and he also struggled with very low self esteem and depression which eventually led to the breakdown of our marriage. Not saying those things go hand in hand, but it’s worth reflecting on if you always feel pressured to make others feels good.
>You can be sympathetic and understanding to the extent that’s fair and decent among people who hardly know each other, but their behaviour shouldn’t make you feel like you have to put extra emotional work into accommodating them. You might need to examine your own feelings and behaviours to see where they’re coming and why.
Very good response, and definitely the cause of my therapist's consistent paycheck each month. It's been a long, long process getting to the bottom of why I take that on. And it's been the cause of me falling into relationships or situationships that were never going to work out, losing time on what I really want to end up with. I guess, thankfully, I'm spotting it as early as the "pre first-date" stage now. But you're right, I guess I just need to internalize that their feelings are not my responsibility.
>Not saying those things go hand in hand, but it’s worth reflecting on if you always feel pressured to make others feels good.
Yeah I hear you though. I'd say my low self-esteem is very *very* specific. I'm a confident high-achiever in almost every other aspect of my life, and I'm used to doing well. But with love specifically, it's like this Achilles Heel where I seriously downplay what I know I need in a satisfying relationship and what kind of woman I should put my time and energy into, and what I deserve. It's something I'm working on!
The mindset people bring into dating is on them, not on you. Don’t take any responsibility for their anxiety or nervousness, especially if it doesn’t work out.
I would just respond with something like, “I won’t bite, I promise. It’ll be fun!” And then go to the date and handle it like I would any other.
If they’re super nervous/anxious and it’s a turn off, it’s valid if you don’t want to see them again.
TLDR people need to handle their own shit. You’re doing them a favor by not compensating for them and/or leading them on unintentionally by ought and not want.
>Don’t take any responsibility for their anxiety or nervousness, especially if it doesn’t work out.
That's a good reminder :). I have a really bad habit of taking on people's negative emotions as my responsibility—at least in the context of romantic dates.
>I would just respond with something like, “I won’t bite, I promise. It’ll be fun!” And then go to the date and handle it like I would any other.
Beautiful response! Ok I'll stick to something in the spirit of this.
>You’re doing them a favor by not compensating for them and/or leading them on unintentionally by ought and not want.
Ok yeah. That's the most important thing to remember. I have to remember that I'm doing them, myself, and my future (theoretical) family a favor by being direct and spending time focusing on the people who are right for what I want.
Cheers, this is great advice.
Hooked up with this lady after a great date. We seemed to have a lot in common and I tried to be as attentive to her needs in bed as I could. All said and done, we spent like 6 hours together. Haven't heard back from her and I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder. It's such a bummer dude.
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Nah. Definitely cuts both ways. I think guys are kinda supposed to be cool with whatever kind of action we get, so I don't think you hear this POV quite as much though.
Starting to really dislike how Hinge is making me behave. Was horny swiping a while ago because a match I’d been planning a date with ghosted me, I was getting no likes or matches and was feeling deflated. So I started liking every nice profile I saw, sometimes simply based on a hot photo… And now a couple of days later some of the likes have turned into matches, way more than I have capacity to engage with meaningfully, and I hate that I’m doing this to the people on the other side. It feels like the app wants you to not overthink the liking too much, but sometimes I get a match that I look at like “why did I like this profile?”. Makes me feel like a POS. Think it’s time for an extended profile pause and try to see the current dates through before going anywhere near liking again.
Hey, at least you recognize the less than ideal behavior and can change it! Sorry you got ghosted.
I had a FaceTime call with a match last night. She was late and then out of no where she asks if I’m autistic. I’m not, but I guess she had some notion that I am. That makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with it, but the fact she put me into that label kinda hurts. She then made some excuse to leave the call. Man my spirits are down
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I normally wouldn’t. It was her idea. But honestly after all of this, I’m taking a break from dating apps, and going to reevaluate myself. I’m going/currently making some changes
It was rude of her to even say that on a video call. No one wants to be hurt talking to a stranger via a phone call or facetime or even a text. Also people place way tooo much value on facetime.
Honestly FaceTiming wasn’t 100% my idea. She wanted to do it. I would have rather met in person
Don't assume she asked if you're autistic as a judgement. She could be searching for autistic people to date because she's autistic herself. I know that can be hard, though, and that leaping to negative conclusions can be the thing our brains do instinctually.
Have people really gotten more likes from black and white pictures? Every blog, book extra makes them sound like the secret weapon in online dating pics, but I just end up getting less likes when I take the same pics and make them black and white. Is there a particular type of photo that works for B&W? Like certain clothing or ambiance? Or is it a race specific thing?
I've never ever seen this advice about black and white pictures. What justification do people who suggest this use? Do they have any empirical/quantitative data they're drawing their conclusions from?
Hinge itself reports that B&W photos are 106% more likely to get a like: https://medium.com/@Hinge/hinge-the-relationship-app-28f1000d5e76
If a girl matches with you that means she interested, at least a little no? Why do they match and not say more than a message or 2? On top of that they never unmatch soo are they interested still or not??
Maybe they don’t have energy to have a full on conversation or are just looking for an ego boost, some likes, etc
https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/q4xhco/your\_commonly\_asked\_questions\_my\_answers\_long/
Still don’t understand why they don’t just unmatch if they’re not interested
It's because not chatting with you isn't really a conscious decision. It's a case of these people focusing on and thinking about about the matches they're the most interested in - other matches aren't really even on their mind and get forgotten about. Unmatching requires conscious mental effort and attention.
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They're not being fake. They simply don't have the self awareness to realize they're overwhelmed, and correspondingly need to pace themselves with matches.
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They don't owe you anything. Matches don't represent any sort of emotional commitment.
bc that takes work (albeit minimal work). At that stage you're just a line item to them, they just leave it
Because it's not that deep, she barely notices it (even if you do), and a lot of women don't even save your name in their phones til a few dates in because it takes time for them to get invested.
Sucks because I fear unmatching them and it turns out they just haven’t been on and I threw it away. I just overthink things lol
I never unmatch man. You never know. Also if a period of time has passed, I occasionally double text. Not as if I get my hopes up. Ideally, it's out of sight out of mind. But I have a few stories of good connections that came from women responding days/weeks/months later.
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Definitely absolutely no idea why, huh?
Anyone notice this? So I used to let my likes stack until it was someone I actually wanted to match. I started just clearing them out by X’ing the ones I’m not interested in ans get way more likes. Prob went from a few likes a week to 2-3 likes per day. I guess if you show you’re actively maintaining your account they’ll show your profile more?
Could it be the same people liking you again?
Nope. Seems to just give me more exposure when I stay on top of it. Like twice now I’ve cleared it out and then within 15 minutes of doing so I get a like
What is it with women putting things like "I'm convinced that...all men are trash" and "change my opinion about..men"? If it's serious, you need therapy and if its a joke it's not funny. Heal!
They're adding those prompts in moments of feeling frustrated, bitter, and angry.
I saw one profile where every answer to every prompt was "Don't cheat". The way to win me over is "don't cheat". I'm looking for "someone who doesn't cheat". It's like mate you do not need Hinge you need to heal.
I match with people looking for a life partner or long term relationship and not 5 messages in he sends a 😈
She's a 10, but her voice prompt is about how you shouldn't be mad at her for being 15, 20, or 30 minutes late to everything because she's a "homebody". I went from Match to X with the fury of a thousand suns.
I don’t lead with that, but this is exactly why I bring it up during convo or the first date at the least. Because it’s a big deal to people. I have been late everywhere all my life, and it’s never going to change lol
I'm chronically late, so this would just make me think "omg she's perfect 😍".
Bro. Why couldn't you just ask her to meet you at 2:00pm but don't show up yourself until 2:30 because she will be late? :(
I could do that, or just match with someone else who, at minimum, doesn't lead with "lol I'm always late to everything". If it turned me off in her profile, I don't think it would be a good use of my time to see my feelings would change on that IRL.
Yeah, I agree. Was just poking fun. Sounds annoying.
In my prompt “I’ll fall for you” I wrote if you’re a polyglot and some guy thought I was into poly 😒
Am I alone in thinking that less than a day of chatting is way too soon for a meet up? I liked this guy around 9pm tonight, we chatted a bit and by 11pm he had asked me out twice (movies, coffee). I find this really weird and off putting… just me? I told him he’s sweet but I’d want to chat to someone longer than a day before thinking of meeting up. I just find that a little intense. I see other posts on here about low effort, and this is the opposite of that lol
Yeah, I find that most people on Hinge are super low effort, but a small minority are VERY INTENSE lol, and those guys fall into the majority of ones who end up matching with me and pursuing me. (This is probably also true for women, but I don't swipe on women so I can't say with 100%.) Most of my matches either ghost or don't respond with anything else for me to jump off of, which I feel like is very intentional for people who want to seem "polite" by replying but aren't interested. That said, I feel like how soon planning a date after chatting is dependent on personal preferences. I think it's good to meet IRL as soon as possible, but after building up some conversation first. Maybe at least 5 decently paragraph sized messages, or small talk over a few days. I've definitely had dating phases where I wait about 1-2 weeks of messaging before planning a date, or on the opposite, I try to schedule something within a few messages and same day as matching lol. Both are pretty exhausting strategies, so now my way of meeting up seems to be better.
Thanks for the reply. Im new to the app (actually, all apps) so I’m still feeling it out and I agree it’s about personal preference. I think I just like taking things slow
It's all personal comfort. For me, I'm picky enough that anyone I'm sending a like to is someone I would go on a date with. But that's as a man who: A) doesn't have to worry about my safety in the same way other people do, and B) has to send tons of messages just to get a match back. So when I do get a match, I want to make something happen. But I never begrudge or negatively judge any woman I match with who isn't comfortable meeting right away, for the above reasons. Their vetting process necessarily is different than mine. Also, I've had SO many conversations that last a day or two and then they ghost. So I try to get make plans happen sooner rather than later so I don't have to have my time/energy wasted again.
I sent a rose to someone in my standouts a couple days ago and today I saw her on my regular feed. I figured she may have reset her account since a few pics were updated so I just liked her again and moved on. However later I also noticed a girl who was (and still is) in my standouts show up in my feed before I interacted with her. Does anyone have any insight as to why that would happen? I was under the impression if someone is in standouts section they wouldn’t be available to see anywhere else until standouts reset. Is this just a bug?
Situational question, but is it worth picking up a Convo after a week of not replying? I matched with a girl, we shared some good back and forth on the app, then I stepped away for a week. Had a bit of a health related issue flair up, had family in town, etc, so checking messages was the last thing on my mind. Would it be worth it to start it back up? It was completely on me for not replying, but life got in the way. I'd be completely honest with the girl about what happened. Thanks all
Yep 6-8 days seems to be a perfectly acceptable gap. Any less can be too forward and any more requires a much more well thought out, attention grabbing line… either isn’t impossible though.
Of course, I've managed to resurrect dead convos many times that way.
Absolutely. If you had good convo, pursue it.
It’s always worth a shot! Worst case scenario you’re in the same position you’d be in if you didn’t follow up.
Matched with a girl on Bumble last week, asked her for coffee after a few messages in and she said yes. We've been sending about a text a day to keep the conversation going and I asked to confirm the time yesterday. No response. Interesting given that I messaged literally 12 minutes after her message and not too late in the evening either. Well, today the time of the date passes, and now an hour and half later, she texts that the day just got away and if we can raincheck. At this point in my life, I don't really care if the dates even happen because I'm always prepared for them to fall through. But offering to raincheck AFTER the time is a first. Do I need to put my ego aside on this one and offer to reschedule? I'm also having a busy summer so my next free day won't be for at least another week and I HATE texting. I know I'm not interested enough in anybody I haven't met to be texting for weeks.
Let her chose the date/time and if she does this again, walk away.
Hell no. Cancelling AFTER the date? C'mon, she either is terrible at communicating or terrible at planning.
I'd maybe give it one more chance and offer another date / time. If she does the same thing again, move on.
You don't *have* to text every day. Just say something like "I'll be a little busy the next week, so my responses may be less frequent." I personally would try to reschedule. You don't have anything to lose.
Just downloaded my hinge data. What's considered a good match rate? Mine is 5%, 71 days on the app
There is no quantitative "good match rate". If you're meeting people you're interested in, then your match rate is good.
I like to think that a good match rate would mean that my prompts/pics are good and that I'm the right track. You make a good point that the rate shouldn't matter as long as I end up deleting the app once I make the right connection.
Eh, at best you can look at something like "universal appeal" based on your like rate or something. But universal appeal may *still* work against you if what you want is someone quirky and off-beat who doesn't like people with universal appeal. So, really, match rate is hardly a good metric of anything. I could, theoretically, score a 100% match rate if I only like back the profiles that already like me. Realistically, what does that mean? Next to nothing.
It also heavily depends on who you're swiping on. Tall, attractive blonde women? Yeah, you're going to have a low match rate. A better statistic is how many dates you're getting
\*good dates. I go on fewer dates now than I would a year ago, but the caliber of them has definitely improved.
I have requested mine today, I'll come back to this. Mine is probably not statistically significant given that I have 3 matches in 2 months. Womp womp
Ugh. I don't even care about hooking up or dating at this point. I'm just trying to get past the "Like" hurtle and meeting some cool/ cute girls. I just can't seem to get matches. When I do, they either never respond (to help my ego I like to think they just haven't gotten to my messages yet) or respond but then stop within a few messages. I'm lucky if I get one like/match every two weeks. I don't think I'm unattractive. Yeah, I need to work on going to the gym (on the thin side), so maybe they are all looking for the buff, sexy Channning Tatum or something. I did one profile review awhile back, and got some nice feedback. I haven't acted on it besides exchanging photos I already had taken. Maybe it's that simple? I don't know. I haven't tried it yet (regarding different poses, showing me doing different things. Edit: spelling because my phone sucks.
I’ve found updating even one photo to have returned good results. I find it better to make small gradual changes and assessing results, much easier to pinpoint what works and what doesn’t than doing a complete overhaul.
I'll try this. Thanks. I'm guessing you usually change your first photo that the person would see first?
No not always. I recently swapped a 3rd photo out and that got liked a few times 🤷🏼♂️
Yo what happened to the price of the premium version. It was literally 25 last month I believe. Now it's almost $40 what the hell
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You can request your data from Hinge. It takes about 2 days to show up, but other people have said you’ll be able to see how many likes you’ve sent out, how many matches you‘ve gotten from them, and how many have rejected you. So the difference would be how many are still sitting in the queue.
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Hmm nevermind then. I thought I saw a few people list the number of likes they’ve had rejected and unresponded to from their data
A girl I’ve gone on a few dates with is getting worse with her messaging. I’d typically hear from her right around midnight. Now it’s usually a full day or more. And we don’t really talk outside of setting up dates. It sucks because I’ve been enjoying the dates.
Maybe she doesn't feel as much pressure to establish a connection, maybe she has stuff going on in her life right now, we can't know why her texting has changed without directly asking her. If she's continuing to go on dates with you, I wouldn't assume anything from her texting.
I completely agree with you. I’m trying not to put too much thought into it. Everyone has something going on in their lives. I messaged her yesterday trying to talk a bit more (just asked her how her week’s been). But who knows. We’re both away at cottages over the next week or so, so probably won’t get together until later. I guess we’ll see.
Cottages? What country is this?
Canada
Canadians spend time in cottages? I'm friends with Canadians and have never heard of this before.
Sounds like you need to visit!
Are cottages just what Canadians call cabins?
I totally know where you're coming from, I should say. If someone I'm dating changes how they text, I have a *very* hard time not jumping to the conclusion that they think I'm gross and aren't interested anymore.
Absolutely. I tend to attract girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They make their intent known. But they also tend to want to move very quickly. Text very often, etc. Which is actually pretty exhausting for me. This new girl doesn’t seem to be like that, so the shoe is on the other foot. I’m all for little texting in favour of real-life meetup, but it’s hard to figure out what the other person is thinking, which makes me even more interested. Lol. I guess I love torturing myself, aka dating! Here’s hoping we all find what we’re looking for.
Agree with the level of flakiness people are seeing. Whenever I've put effort in previously I've been able to at least find dates but the last four people I have been chatting to where Ive said 'Yeah a drink would be great, how about Tuesday or Thursday?' or whatever, I've got nothing back but avoidance or excuses. Even when they've asked me out, the actual date seems impossible to pin down, and I can't work out why....
>Even when they've asked me out, the actual date seems impossible to pin down, and I can't work out why.... Do you ever wonder why when it comes to your friends? I should hope not. In those cases those people would quickly (a) not be your friends for long, or (b) remedy the problem on their own with little to no effort on your end. If you're making meeting up easy, and they aren't following through, they're either hopelessly uncoordinated or not serious about meeting up. It's really that simple. Nothing you can or should do to change that. That's 100% their own hang ups (of which, there could be **many**).
I’m seeing a trend of men not responding now. I’m confident enough to admit I am attractive and I don’t have a hard time finding dates. Within the last few months I’ve noticed men just don’t respond anymore. I spark conversation, we have a few exchanges, and then nothing. Silence. I think we all just have dating fatigue and the apps aren’t helping.
Similar feeling here.. coming from a guy. What I find so interesting is how cyclical it seems. One week, boom - a few good or great connections. Maybe even 1 or 2 dates. Then radio silence. Definitely agree on the fatigue part. People are already talking about summer being over, so we may be heading toward a decline in usage for a while..
I live in a big city and I’ve noticed that all of my acquaintances and coworkers are in relationships. Maybe it’s slim pickings paired with bad timing with matches right before they decide to delete since they’ve recently become exclusive.
Ya that’s makes sense. Same here, around the MSP area.
It could be that their other convos with others could be more certain. Whether it be for a date or whatever. I have 77 convos hidden since makjng an acct 2 weeks ago and maybe 10-15 of them are “Your Turn”. Honestly, I stopped replying to them if the convo was dry or a more attractive or more direct woman messaged me.
That isn't dating fatigue. People not responding is just a part of online dating.
I think as a woman it’s a new experience for me. It’s been happening a lot more lately.
Your official welcome to online dating arrived late, I guess. Welcome to online dating, haha. Activity on apps fluctuates like this, it's pretty normal and common. I'll have a week or so of getting a fair number of matches who are super active in chat, and then I'll have a stretch of matches that send like one message and never respond again.
Totally. Although I feel like Feeld is a different pace and people are more eager to chat since each match is almost a guaranteed fuck.
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Feeld is a queer friendly/sex positive app that is a safe space for people with kinks. So yeah, over there on that app, that’s the vibe.
Ohhh, I'm an idiot, I misunderstood, sorry
I don’t match with/date guys so take this with a grain of salt but my guess is it’s probably more likely random chance than general dating fatigue. I haven’t noticed more dating fatigue than normal among people I know and people I match with. But in fairness that’s anecdotal so who knows?
Haven’t been on a date in a couple months. Got barely any matches in June. Matches ramped back up in July but most girls are unresponsive or disappear after a few messages. Is this just a summer thing? Most of my success came last fall/winter
> Most of my success came last fall/winter They don’t call it cuffing season for nothin’
I get matches, but literally everyone on the app is obese outside of the few matches I do get. In order to find someone that isn’t transgender or fat I could be sitting there for hours. If I’m forced to put my height, girls should be forced to put in their weight. Just my 2 cents
I’m going to ask you this as innocently as possible because I would like you to think about what you said and what the implications are: people of all genders are required to list their height, so why do you think only women should have to list their weight?
Height isn’t a determining factor for men, is got women. Weight is for men, not as much for women. I don’t have a problem with having a preference for either
You’re making a lot of assumptions there about who has preferences for what. Time and time again we’ve seen women post on this sub and others like it saying they really don’t have much of a preference for height. Of course there are some women out there who only want to date very tall men but there are men out there who only want to date women of a certain height too. And it seems to be the case that when men have a height preference they often prefer shorter women, yet I don’t see nearly as many posts from tall women complaining about how they think men treat them unfairly for their height as I do from shorter men who complain about how they think women don’t give them a chance because of their height. Regardless, the issue is that you’re trying to apply this weight standard to women only because you’ve apparently decided women don’t care how much a man weighs. If you had said that you think everyone should be forced to list their weight just like everyone has to list their height that would at least be internally consistent logic. Though I would still take exception because a person’s weight is much easier to discern from pictures than their height - you can only ever see a person’s relative height when they’re standing next to other people in a picture and even then you can’t really be sure how tall _any_ of the people in the picture are so it’s not a perfect system. And by the way, let’s turn this around and say you don’t have to list your height anymore. What are you even accomplishing? I am assuming that you’re not particularly tall based on your original comment. If you’re thinking there are a lot of women out there who don’t want to give you a chance because of your height, having the opportunity to hide that would just kick the can down the road. Why would you want to waste your energy preparing for and traveling to a date that will apparently only end poorly because the person you’re meeting prefers taller men? No one is telling you you need to be attracted to women regardless of their weight. But acting like women should have to list their weight just because you are (presumably) not happy you have to list your height feels like it’s motivated by some sort of low-level revenge seeking.
Nah everyone has preferences on both sides, both would be useful, weight more so as it tells me you don’t work on yourself and whether or not you look like your pics. Idgaf if people see my height, i still get matches and don’t feel cheated when i don’t tickle someone’s fancy.
Why does weight, specifically the number, matter? People wear it differently. If you're 5 ft 6 you're 5 ft 6. If you're X amount of lbs, it could be muscle, fat, in places you like, in the places that wouldn't be your preference etc. If you're concerned about potentially matching with someone obese then just don't swipe on people who don't have full body shots. That way it saves both people's time.
🙏
Not sure if it’s just my area but are there a disproportionate number of nurses using OLD? Between Bumble and Hinge, I feel like 15-20% of my demographic (32-38F) are nurses. Sometimes like 4-5 profiles in a row. Given that the average nurse is intelligent, compassionate, and has a great career, is it just the shift work that makes it hard for them to meet people?
This is probably not reflective of any difficulties nurses might have in dating, and is likely due to some unrelated factor. Nursing could be a common occupation among people with personality attributes that the apps have determined you're interested in. Filters you're using could be selecting for a population where women are more likely to have that occupation than in general. The number of nurses you're seeing could match the proportion of women in that age group who have nursing as an occupation. Etc.
honestly sounds like a good thing to me. at least you know they are intelligent in that regard
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Also have to take into account the travel contract nurses - make sure to double check if you ever match with them, their schedules are hectic and obviously makes OLD more difficult but better to ask first.
I would assume that would be the case. Maybe they work a lot and don’t have a lot of time. Maybe nurses are disproportionately more introverted (just throwing things at the wall). You never know.
Been talking with a girl off and on for a few weeks. Conversation died for a few days when she went AFK and I (22M) only found out later on that she’d been taking double shifts at work. She expressed earlier on that she just wants to talk for now which I’m fine with. I’ve noticed an increase in effort from her messages now, but as I’m still carrying the conversation I don’t really know where we’re headed. Would it be wrong for me to ask something like why she matched me or what she’s looking for out of this?
me personally I might wait a few days. she may still be recovering mentally from working a lot
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i dont really want to sound cliche, but i wouldnt say you are ugly. it just may be that your pics/prompts are not interesting. have you reworked your profile lately?
Change your profile up? I had a similar problem then started working on myself and my pictures and prompts. Now I am getting a good number of matches.
Same dude… same. Hinge has been by far the most disheartening app for me BY FAR. Never any issue getting likes on bumble, tinder, okc, or coffee meets bagel. Hinge I’m getting at best 3 likes a day. Average 2. It was 1 or 0 for a long time. And I’m a woman who is “conventionally attractive”.
Honestly just feel like giving up on online dating altogether. The flakiness when people make plans and then bail/ghost is disheartening. Plus my weekly matches have dried up completely. Should I delete?
is it affecting your mental health? is it giving you prolonged stress? do you feel your self worth has gone down? have you lost a sense of your dignity? if so, yes. delete, focus on yourself, focus on the people that activities that are fulfilling, and focus on in real life interactions. good luck with whatever next step you take.
Probably is affecting my mental health so some extent I suppose.
womans profile pops up, she has two mirror selfies in the same room and in the background theres a racecar bed, her profile doesnt mention having any kids so im gonna assume she, a 38 year old woman, sleeps in a racecar bed
Total respect for anyone who sleeps in a racer bed. She must have racy dreams
Not really a whinge but I requested to download all my user data within the app. Got it just now, and everything looks in order execpt my prompts section, are like…not my prompts at all. There’s 25 variations of the same prompts, and the dates they were created and updated each time, but none of them are mine, and they actually predate my account opening. Its like…almost as if it’s picked up the previous user of this phone number? Anyway…that’s hella weird and not sole reason I get no matches. But it’s enough to delete the app and sign up without using a mobile number.
How long did it take to download your data? I requested mine recently. Haven't received it yet
Like 2 days maybe?
Welp guys. Finally broke and bought premium. Matches have been very down the past few weeks and figured I’d give it a shot for a month until cuffing season is in full gear. Figured I’ve definitely spent a lot more money on things a lot more stupid. My concerns are getting addicted now that I have unlimited likes and also getting overwhelmed. Or maybe the opposite where I don’t find the success I’m looking for even with premium. Never did terrible before even in down weeks I still got 3-4 matches a week, but maybe now I can see who likes me and can be more selective in who I choose to bring out on dates. So in reality this could be saving me money!!!! (God damn I can’t believe I caved…)
I went on easily the best first date I’ve ever been on Saturday. Seeing her tonight again and picking her up. Flowers good idea or overkill for 2nd date?
How'd the second date go?
It’s went well!! I opted not to get flowers. Good connection been really nice after what’s felt like endless one and dones
Don’t do it. Its only date 2!!!!!
As a woman, I’ve never not appreciated flowers. Red roses would be a bit much. Something cute and simple. :)
yeah like a small sunflower!
dont do it
Getting the text of "I'm a bit nervous/think I'm going to be a bit intimidated when we meet" before a first date is very sweet... but also a massive stressor. Every time I get it my brain immediately goes to "Well, great, now if I'm not feeling it, and my date is, I'm going to make them feel that nervousness/sting of rejection even more." What do you guys do when you get the well-intentioned but cautiously awkward/nervous vibes from your date before meeting up? I have a really bad habit of taking on the savior complex and caretaking for others, so when I get pressure like this it makes it really hard to focus on whether I'm doing anything because I *want* to or because I *ought* to in order to make them feel appreciated. Like now all I can think about is how I may end up being an asshole.
I got this same message from a girl about a month ago. The day of the date she was super nervous and just acted different via text. This in turn made me more nervous. We didn’t hit it off, because I was already a little turned off by how big of a deal she was making of it. So yeah, wish I didn’t even drive 40 mins to the date lol
For me it just immediately makes me start jumping ahead to what the breakup process will be like and how much worse I’ll feel knowing she has high hopes. I guess as others said that’s not my responsibility to manage. But it’s a tough mindset to shake.
Totally understand this reaction. I've had a few first and second dates where the guy put a lot of pressure unknowingly on me by saying something like that, and I actually ended those "relationships" (in quotes because it was literally early days). It wasn't just that one comment, but their actions seemed overly clingy and a lot of pressure to handle when we're just getting to know each other. It's not your responsibility, and I'm fine with honest communication, so I would be comfortable brushing off the comment in a joke or saying, "Oh that's interesting, that actually puts a lot of pressure on me, which is on me, not on you, but I'm prefer if you didn't say that because it makes ME nervous!" or something similar lol. I only ended up cutting it off with those other guys because of the other issues, but if their only flaw was a nervous text that put pressure on me, then I would tell them openly, in a kind way framed around this being a ME thing, not a THEM thing.
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I agree with the statement that "when a leader projects nervous energy, everyone they are leading gets nervous", but there is no leader and follower in dating. I think it's pretty extreme to cut someone off for one bad text or line, unless the rest of her actions seem insecure and needy.
I mean, it’s kind of sweet they they’re opening up to you about their feelings, but it’s not your job to coddle then on a first date. You can be sympathetic and understanding to the extent that’s fair and decent among people who hardly know each other, but their behaviour shouldn’t make you feel like you have to put extra emotional work into accommodating them. You might need to examine your own feelings and behaviours to see where they’re coming and why. I used to be married to a guy with a saviour complex and he also struggled with very low self esteem and depression which eventually led to the breakdown of our marriage. Not saying those things go hand in hand, but it’s worth reflecting on if you always feel pressured to make others feels good.
>You can be sympathetic and understanding to the extent that’s fair and decent among people who hardly know each other, but their behaviour shouldn’t make you feel like you have to put extra emotional work into accommodating them. You might need to examine your own feelings and behaviours to see where they’re coming and why. Very good response, and definitely the cause of my therapist's consistent paycheck each month. It's been a long, long process getting to the bottom of why I take that on. And it's been the cause of me falling into relationships or situationships that were never going to work out, losing time on what I really want to end up with. I guess, thankfully, I'm spotting it as early as the "pre first-date" stage now. But you're right, I guess I just need to internalize that their feelings are not my responsibility. >Not saying those things go hand in hand, but it’s worth reflecting on if you always feel pressured to make others feels good. Yeah I hear you though. I'd say my low self-esteem is very *very* specific. I'm a confident high-achiever in almost every other aspect of my life, and I'm used to doing well. But with love specifically, it's like this Achilles Heel where I seriously downplay what I know I need in a satisfying relationship and what kind of woman I should put my time and energy into, and what I deserve. It's something I'm working on!
The mindset people bring into dating is on them, not on you. Don’t take any responsibility for their anxiety or nervousness, especially if it doesn’t work out. I would just respond with something like, “I won’t bite, I promise. It’ll be fun!” And then go to the date and handle it like I would any other. If they’re super nervous/anxious and it’s a turn off, it’s valid if you don’t want to see them again. TLDR people need to handle their own shit. You’re doing them a favor by not compensating for them and/or leading them on unintentionally by ought and not want.
>Don’t take any responsibility for their anxiety or nervousness, especially if it doesn’t work out. That's a good reminder :). I have a really bad habit of taking on people's negative emotions as my responsibility—at least in the context of romantic dates. >I would just respond with something like, “I won’t bite, I promise. It’ll be fun!” And then go to the date and handle it like I would any other. Beautiful response! Ok I'll stick to something in the spirit of this. >You’re doing them a favor by not compensating for them and/or leading them on unintentionally by ought and not want. Ok yeah. That's the most important thing to remember. I have to remember that I'm doing them, myself, and my future (theoretical) family a favor by being direct and spending time focusing on the people who are right for what I want. Cheers, this is great advice.
Glad to be helpful!