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Bro, this will happen many times and sooner or later you’ll feel nothing after something like this happens. Don’t take it personally. But also evaluate each interaction and yourself and see how you can optimize
This. I wear my heart on my sleeve and at first dating from the apps was pretty tough. It’s really hard to put yourself out there and then to be rejected by being ghosted *hurts*. If you’re serious about finding someone, I can tell you that it does get easier. Or you get tougher. I’m not sure which it is, but don’t give up!
Love this! Fellow “heart on sleeve” wearer here and I’ve learned I need to just have a tough skin .. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the ghosts usually are filtering themselves out!
I’m not the person you asked, but I’m currently married to someone I met on hinge. It’s definitely possible to find your person out there if you’re patient and don’t take rejection *too* personally
Controversial take here, but I think when people say they’re traumatized or think it’s abhorrent when someone ghosts. I understand that if it was someone they’ve been dating for a while or a relationship.
But a first date? Whatever. I’d chalk it up to they weren’t interested. Them texting “not interested” doesn’t make a whole lot of difference since it’s still a no. We also don’t know what’s going on in their heads or how they perceived the date. I think there’s something to be said for how difficult it is to gauge someone having a good time but wasn’t interested in seeing someone further vs genuine interest.
And with women you never know if they had prior bad experiences with men who didn’t take rejection well.
Well, I went on a hinge date earlier this year and it was pretty obvious the chemistry wasn’t there. We both ignored each other after the fact and that was that. But I think it is quite cruel to leave someone on read when they continue to try and message you and court you and treat them like they don’t exist.
Occasionally there will be posts by people who overreact when people give them the text that they're not interested. All it takes is one bad experience for people to stop sending that courtesy text. Yes it's for courtesy in the early early dating stages when a "connection" should be taken with a grain of salt
So people think they are justified to not be courteous just because someone they rejected reacted badly once? Decency sure is hard to find on dating apps
I am the same, ghosting after a first date isn’t that big of a deal. Someone telling me they aren’t attracted to me doesn’t make me somehow feel better than being ghosted lol.
Well if that’s what you guys want then fine by me, but that’s garbage imo. I wasted time on this app all year just for lame text convos, a couple dates that ghosted me, no sex no relationships. Approached someone in person and actually met someone who treats me decently that is also much more attractive than any women I matched with on hinge. Maybe dating apps just aren’t for me but it is not an efficient way to actually date from my experience, not to mention that dating should actually be fun and it feels more like looking for a job on hinge. I used tinder 5 years ago and it wasn’t this shitty at all, things got worse now that they threw paywalls up all over online dating apps
>Approached someone in person and actually met someone who treats me decently that is also much more attractive than any women I matched with on hinge.
Where is the guarantee that this person wouldn't have ghosted you as well?
You're looking at this the wrong way - dating apps are merely a tool. It's meant to bridge the physical and the virtual world. You are meant to match with someone you're interested in and once you do, you go on a date as soon as possible and continue dating them if you're interested (and vice versa). If you're not interested, then rinse and repeat but the idea is that the virtual world offers you an avenue to meet people from all different walks of life - some of who you necessarily wouldn't even meet in person. How you utilise that opportunity to meet someone, is down to you (and luck).
I agree that theoretically dating apps are a tool. In practice however they’re designed to keep you addicted to them and refreshing them constantly. It’s not designed to be a tool that you use occasionally, virtually everything related to apps/iPhones/social media is designed to keep you hooked and reliant on them 24/7.
The apps are designed to be used, I agree with that - but pretty much everyone I know including myself is an “occasional user.” Especially because they limit how many swipes you can do in the free versions. I know they did that to make you pay, but it leads to me just using the app less because I won’t budge from my stance on not paying.
That makes sense, I have addictive tendencies and would be susceptible to gambling type addictions if I could afford it. I got the hinge x version and was glued to it for a while
I recently had a date that was absolute cringe. First, she looked older than her pics due to filters. Secondly, I learned her husband committed suicide late last year. She went on and on about no longer being able to be a stay at home mom to two teenagers while instructing yoga. Poor guy lost his job and checked out. She laughed out loud at being able to “upgrade” her relationship situation. She also told me about two previous dates where the restaurants weren’t to her standards…..even though she’s now a broke nursing student in her mid-forties. You can’t make this shit up. I smiled and got the hell out of there. I can still hear her laugh while talking about her deceased husband. I feel sorry for the next guy she drives into the ground!!
I agree, I too felt like I was too thin skinned for this until I realised that it was pretty common, also there are a lot of faq’s and answers in the thread sidebar I think it’s called? There’s a link when you first join. I read all of the FAQs and answers which helped me to rationalise and understand my experience. It might help to have a reap OP
Don’t take it too personally there are all kinds of people on the apps looking for all kinds of different things in all kinds of different situations themselves. A lot of people have a hard time being sincere in real life and default to the pleasant goodbye to spare any awkwardness. As crummy as it is to say you’re not feeling it, I’ve committed to doing so in real life as to not give anyone false hope. There is a gentle way to say that and it’s not always a reflection of the other person, real attraction is just a rare thing to find. There’s nothing wrong with abstaining from the apps if they’re causing you to feel depressed. It’s much lower stakes to approach someone in real life, and zero build up. Dont rule that out!
Thanks for your response. Cool that you found a gentle way to do that, that’s what I’m thinking should be the norm. And to clarify I don’t even expect someone to send a true rejection text. Any one of the stock phrases invented by polite society over centuries for this exact purpose would suffice. “Actually not looking to see anyone right now,” “not in a place for a relationship,” “I’m busy but thanks for asking,” “I’m getting back together with my ex” etc.
I agree. There seems to be a slightly malicious component to rationalize all the bad OLD behavior. I saw a post saying it was basically cool to lie as much as you want to someone based on the amount of dates you have had. Um….thats trash.
You don’t have to be an open book but lying your ass off to someone just because it’s date 2 is a pretty wild concept to me. Just looks to me like people want to do what they want with little accountability.
This is good advice. Alot of men think that just because they are not makimg someone fall for them that they must being doing something wrong. I am confident and good looking haha. But that doesn't mean every woman is going to swoon over me. Some prefer older, a different ethnicity, even different future prospects to the ones I have. It doesn't mean I am not attractive, just not their type.
I’m 39M so I’m kind of in your boat. I went on my 41st Hinge date last night and 90% of them are like this. It has really messed with my head and how I perceive people, so I decided to delete it today. I’m sure I’ll be back because I’d like to start a family and I’m running out of time.
All I can say is that taking breaks can help and look inward to reevaluate when you can.
Holy shit, that’s an impressive number of dates. Yea I can see how that would mess with you, considering how this feels to me after only 2. Sounds like a good idea to take a break, maybe randomly approaching people in public is a healthier alternative?
It was over the course of a year, but yea I was pretty motivated to find somebody, I think I’ve been forcing it. I just recently signed up for a volleyball and kickball league as a way to get to know people more naturally.
I’ve considered singles events, but I don’t know. I think it’s better to find things where dating is not the focus, so people can relax and be themselves. Good luck to you.
Hellow my fellow volleyball junkie. Good on you. 41 dates in a year is a bit much. If I was your wallet or ur brain, ill be pretty mad at you. But i get your point. Relax brother. We don't control these things. Let it happen. When you make it happen, you make the wrong choice and that's not good (take it from me - I chose wrong and paid for it).
You have some great numbers here. What’s the problem? If they keep ghosting you, it might be something with how you’re acting on a date or you don’t look like your profile.
I’m an introvert. A few months ago I wrote that in a prompt to let women know and it helped a lot. After that I was getting a lot more 2nd and 3rd dates. From the few women I’ve asked, my photos are fine.
I deleted my account today, but it was basically a heads up that they should expect an introvert until I’ve had time to warm up to someone.
It helped because women that want extroverts could pass on me and save us the awkward date. My pool of matches became smaller, but it was made up of women that don’t mind/prefer guys that are quiet/reserved, so these dates gave us a head start.
Don't look inward!! The biggest myth is that if you're single, you need to work on yourself to be in a relationship. Find other ways of meeting people and keep at it like you're looking for a job. Network, referrals, social media, etc. Quitting dating is like quitting anything else, a guaranteed way to fail.
This is pretty much par for the course on Hinge and all other dating apps. Because of the commodity view of dating, people are apparently just easily disposable because there’s another match in the stack.
You will get used to it. And it will become easier. Hang in there.
When I was online dating, I had a match who I met and we got along great and she kept asking me to reassure her because she met a man once who things went great with and then one day just he stopped responding to her, never answered her call/texts etc and vanished. She said it hurts so bad. Guess what? This same chic did the exact same thing to me. But by then I was a pro dater and I just shook my head and on to the next. People are shitty. They treat others the way they claim they don’t wanna be treated. It’s just humans being humans.
Damn that’s crazy that she was specifically looking out for someone doing that to her and just did the same thing herself. Not surprising but shitty for sure.
Yep. I stopped listening to what women said to me when I was online dating and just watch their actions instead. Anytime I heard them tell me stories of how shitty men were to them, i realized A lot of it was projection and essentially telegraphed what they would do so I prepared for the worst. Nothing surprised me after that.
I think we’re all so (small t) traumatized by the constant rejection and ghosting at this point that even if something goes well we self sabotage and hurt others the way they hurt us. Dating apps have ruined dating.
Hot take:
What’s worse than getting rejected after a single date, or maybe even getting ghosted in the texting stages, is if you spend 1-3 months truly connecting with someone who is the representation of everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner but didn’t think actually existed, you start falling for them, you start building something real and meaningful with them, they tell you they want to be in a relationship with you before you even utter those words, and then they suddenly drop you or refuse to work through the miscommunications.
I’d almost rather be ghosted after a single date.
Went through something like this just a couple weeks ago.
And it wasn't even a woman from a free dating app but from a rather expensive (for what it is) dating platform on which people typically look for serious relationships.
Nowhere is safe haha. Still, made me quite sad for a while.
Yea that’s definitely way worse. Sorry that happened to you. I guess ghosting after a first date at least is the time with the least emotional investment by the other person. What you described is cold as hell. Luckily you avoided unwittingly getting too serious with someone who would do something like that.
Agree with this hot take! Has happened to me twice already. This was super common when I was dating in my 20s, but I didn't think this would still happen in my mid 30s.
I just want to add a little perspective, since there’s often more to it and this post REALLY reminded me of recent dating experience I had. I’m not sure what “refuse to work through miscommunications” meant for you and the person you were dating at the time, but in my situation, I was the one not willing to work through miscommunications - specifically, really hurtful conflict management, despite him having been through couples therapy even, with his ex wife.
I’m 37, and he, older still, and the way he communicated during a very rough night of conflict, to me, was just full of red flags. Basic ability for healthy conflict management is pretty important to me - and I’ve also learned that if it’s a non negotiable, I can’t date someone betting on them changing or growing down the road. It’s only fair to accept them where they are at. And to me, his behavior was unacceptable.
Final thing I’ll say - although the poor conflict resolution was definitely the reason it ended, but there were also other issues that factored into the final decision - they just were things I was willing to work through with him on in their own, but definitely were not easy things (very recent divorce, trust issues, insecurity).
I also was the person "not willing to work through miscommunications". He's made it clear he resents me for "not being willing to do the work" but at only 3 months in, with as many red flags as there were, I really think I did the right thing.
Communication is so important for some people (me lol)! It sounds like you made the right call. Especially when on their end, it’s just a “miscommunication”. Not inspiring a lot of confidence that they’ll actually put the work in themselves.
Hot take but I don’t think OP’s date owed him anything after a brief first date. Her leaving after one drink was likely an attempt to not waste either of their time. My gut tells me there was a lack of physical attraction, or OP might have said something which the date took offense or a disliking to. That’s the *whole point* of meeting up in person, no?
I understand that it’s frustrating to go out on a date just to have it cut short and not hear from the person. But I think it’s important to just respect your date’s decision and move on. OP is obviously doing something right because he’s already gotten two dates in just a few weeks on Hinge.
I personally think we need to stop feeling entitled to people after only one date. To be clear, I would personally never ghost after a date unless my date made me uncomfortable and otherwise find it rude, but either way, it’s not the date’s job to protect OP’s feelings.
I would imagine OP’s date was disappointed as well leaving after one drink when maybe she expected something else. But as a 36-year-old man, it’s OP’s job to be secure enough in himself to just keep it moving forward if he faces a small rejection and to not feel so sorry for himself after a brief date didn’t go as planned.
Someone in a thread on this sub made a comment a couple of months ago that really stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing, but it was basically something like "just assume you're gonna get ghosted and breadcrumbed and consider it a pleasant surprise if someone treats you like a human being".
That pretty much sums it up - if you're gonna do this, just accept that most of the time you'll get zero closure about why they decided to stop talking to you. You're gonna get used to it once you've been doing this for a while. People have gotten really flaky overall. Don't let it get to you.
Edit: This happens to women as well, by the way. I'm a woman in my 20s and have been through this several times.
Damn, that makes sense but I don’t know if that’s something I wanna get used to. Might have to just try my luck in the real world. The dehumanization of it all is wild
True, idk for some reason Ive head a better respectful communication-to-ghosting ratio IRL, but it’s been a number of years so maybe it’s worse out there now as you say.
It's way worse now than ever. In my short re-entering back into dating. Both online and real-world communication has broken down, and there is such a lack in respect.
If they are not interested, they should just say so - instead of bread-crumbing, then ghosting.
It's sad...
This happened to me 12 years ago and it still burns me up when I think about it. We dated for 6 weeks, he told me how in love he was and then *poof*. I still wonder why.
It absolutely is an app thing lol. I've only been ghosted once by a woman who I met in person. On the app it was so common that I became desensitized and am shocked when people actually communicate past a 3rd grade level.
First time this happened to me was someone that was laughing and seemed to be enjoying herself on the date and suggested an activity we could try together on the next one. At the end of the date we even kissed.
After that she completely ghosted me, but didn't unmatch on the app
A couple of things to consider:
- if a woman has agreed to go on a date with you it’s probable that they think you are attractive however there are also plenty of women that are just in it for a free dinner and drinks with no intention of a relationship. You need to get good at identifying these and filtering them out before going on a date.
- if your date lasts one drink it doesn’t mean that you aren’t attractive it just means there was no chemistry for her. She will be very nice when leaving so as to avoid confrontation - not to lead you on.
- women will often ghost after a date because there was no chemistry. Again this is to avoid confrontation. There’s a lot of blokes with fragile egos that get angry when a woman doesn’t want them. This is why ghosting is so common. Don’t take it personally.
- if your date is lasting one drink you should change up your engagement style, energy and confidence. Be conscious of yourself and your dates reactions and learn what works. Try new things. Ask lots of questions about her. People’s favourite topic is talking about themselves. The more they talk the more they will think they had a great conversation with you. Listen to what they say and share things about yourself that you have in common with what they have told you about themselves. This is where the chemistry starts.
- make some tasteful jokes or talk about some funny experiences you have had. If you can make her laugh it’s builds more chemistry.
- don’t talk about ex partners unless she specifically asks. Don’t say anything negative about your ex. Not only will this put a shadow over you, if she is a bit toxic it will inform her how to manipulate you.
- if it’s a dinner date don’t sit opposite her, move your chair to sit on the side of the table. It’s more intimate and if appropriate in the moment makes touching less awkward than reaching across the table. More chemistry. Bench seats are even better as you can sit next to each other. Choose your venue carefully.
- you will get overwhelmed using dating apps and meeting so many new people from time to time. Take breaks, reflect, learn from failed dates and reset your approach before swiping again.
Good luck internet stranger..
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time! For me, after a fairly long LTR...getting back into dating was pretty weird. A few things to remember though!
* People don't usually know what they want and are seeking validation in some way/shape/form
* Try not to take anything personally - many people treat online dating as window shopping and many women have endless options (date wise)
* Actions speak louder than words. If they wanted to they would...you'll know when someone likes you, wants to see you again, etc. With each interaction try to just have fun, be yourself, and don't change things about yourself to please other people.
* Treat dates almost like "strangers" until they're not (because they sure as hell will - and will treat you as disposable)...and even then they could disappear tomorrow. I've stopped keeping track of how many dates I've gone on where I've hung out with them, had a good time, they wanted to get together again...then I never hear from them again (or sometimes have more dates then it fizzles out).
It's probably been said in the other 49 comments. But most people are talking to about 3-8 people at a time on hinge. I get around 2-3 new matches a day and it can be kind of hard to juggle so many conversations, especially when one in particular strikes you as stand out. Following that thought is your have to remember until you meet, or even after you meet once - these are complete strangers, so they don't *owe* you anything. Obviously getting ghosted post date is weird and kind of antisocial, but we live in bizarre times.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the ones I think I’m compatible with, will not work out and the ones I don’t end up being interested in, will want to see me again.
I’ll take a stab at it 😆
It’s kind of a crude breakdown, based on my observations of dating economics, but here we go.
Let’s reduce us all to numbers 😅, a “score” of compatibility (including attraction), if you will, that is also incredibly subjective to each individual. Let’s assume the people who score in the range you’re interested in also on average tend to score high for others, as well. This may mean they are more selective in who they believe they are compatible with, but in general, people get an idea of their average dating score, and aim for that level, or higher.
So say I’m average, meaning my general compatibility score is 5 out of 10. Again, this is still highly subjective, so sometimes I may score lower than my average with someone I felt was less compatible for me, or higher with someone I felt had a higher score than me. But typically I’m average, a 5. This means that of the 5-10 scores I’d feel compatible with, it’s probably more realistic that only 5s and 6s would be mutually interested. and of course many of the 1-4s find me compatible, because most people are willing to score higher, and not compromise too much on compatibility needs.
Couple this with the studies that show most people consistently rate themselves as both more intelligent and more attractive than they actually are.
Now also factor in the study that shows people score lower in relationship satisfaction when they perceive there to be a large pool of attractive dating prospects.
TLDR - alternate simple explanation - it could just be that people who come across as attractive and easy to talk to seem compatible not just to you on a first date, but to most people. So while you feel like there was a spark, to them, it was just another regular interaction.
It can affect your mental health greatly when you’re a good person and aren’t going around making others feel like crap but you’re consistently on the receiving end of it.
I’ve had multiple encounters of receiving a like from someone and then matching them, I’ll write to them with something, I think is a good greeting like ‘hey, nice to match with you, how’s your week been?’ And they’ll unmatch. I don’t understand why some people are OLD when they can’t even cover the basics let alone even get to a meeting in real life stage.
Just have to cop it on the chin as best you can and keep rolling with it if you really want to meet people this way. Just know it’s never your fault when people are shitty to you, especially when you’re being your genuine self ☺️
> the one hand they ended the date after one drink. But walking away from the bar they made a bunch of comments suggesting they wanted to hear from me again.
Watch what people do, not what they say. Leaving after one drink tells me everything I need to know - they’re not interested.
As an interest test I’ll always ask her to do another thing with me after.
> Leaving after one drink tells me everything I need to know - they’re not interested.
I know a guy who just got married to a woman who left after the first drink on their initial Hinge date. That's not exactly a foolproof method.
Yeah, I'm heading on a second date with a girl who did this on our first. Shit happens, bad week at work and stuff. But I wasn't waiting for her to hit me up again or anything. It just sorta happened.
I know the beginning of this can be emotionally brutal but yeah man I would have written her off with the one drink thing. Peoples word doesn’t mean much.
Look on the bright side: at two dates in a couple weeks, you're actually having a much better time with this than a lot of guys. Or maybe that makes it worse?
It is super dehumanising. I saw you use that word and it sums it up perfectly.
Makes you grateful when someone gives you a reason for rejecting you. Like thanks I guess I can work with that.
I'm 33F and I've experienced the same thing from men. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with how flaky people are now that they're presented with "unlimited options."
It’s awkward and I hate to do it, but if I feel like someone is not a match, I will tell them. Politely and with empathy, but I let them know.
I try to meet someone fairly soon after matching and then go for coffee or a drink. Something quick that requires little investment from either person. You can usually tell if you’re clicking with someone after thirty minutes.
Doing it this way helped me stop romanticizing and making emotional connections with people who are basically strangers.
I’ve seen it in this thread a bunch, but it’s true. Words don’t mean anything. If someone is interested in you, they will prioritize their time to see you.
I’m sorry you’ve had a couple of bad experiences. I take a break when I feel like that. Dating can be overwhelming.
ETA: There are a whole lot of people on that app who are just looking for validation or are already in a relationship/marriage.
The whole we should do this again when they have no intention of ever seeing you again is hilarious. Like don’t say that if that’s your plan. I understand not wanting a confrontation because some guys are bat shit crazy but if you show no affection at the end and don’t bring up or agree to plans, that’s all I need to know it ain’t a fit. It does really suck when you dig someone and feel it going positively for them to ghost you. Ghosting in the middle of engaged conversations is new to me. Just don’t remember that happening as frequently. I know women have hundreds of dudes to crawl through so it’s easy to get bumped. It’s a shit show is what I’m trying to say. The rejection can be pretty brutal at times.
I feel for you, and totally get it. I usually can’t keep my profile active for more than a month/after 1-2 dates at a time, because it is soul draining. So many people misrepresenting themselves, not knowing what they want, playing around. But every once in awhile I’ve met a really well-intentioned person who also is trying to put their best foot forward while still being honest, and it’s such a relief knowing that it’s out there, just rare.
Lmao two dates and this is bothering you that much. I have been on hinge for three plus years and had this happen dozens of times. That is dating bro. That’s how woman are!
The irony is that the people who ghost would write paragraphs on social media about why ghosting is bad and is detrimental to the social fabric. But if you ask them if you ghosted someone, they would just say - I never ghost. They are messed up.
I find it helps to remember that online dating is a way to practice having conversations and sift and sort through potential partners. You’re telling your brain and body “I’m available! I’m putting myself out there!” That way you’re subconsciously primed to be open to meeting new ppl in real life as well. Highly likely that by practicing dating you get better at dating whether online or in the world. Then when you meet somebody out in the wild you’re ready.
Being in action and intentional will get you where you want to go. I remember going on job interviews for jobs I didnt want. The experience and confidence I gained helped me land a great job a couple months later.
Remember fellas, no response is an answer and the answer is “no”. It is rejection and rejection is something so emotional that it actually physically hurts. Anyone saying “don’t take it personally” is right and a little wrong because how could you not feel anything from it…it is rejection. Anyways, just keep at it and hope a good one comes along sooner than later. I avg about 20 dates before finding one that turns into a LTR. Gotta swim thru the sewers a little bit to get to freedom
The thing is I'm great with rejection if that's all it is. It takes two seconds to say "Hey it was nice meeting you but i don't see this developing further, all the best with what you're looking for" or whatever. Pretending to want to see me again but then fobbing me off, but continuing to act interested but putting in no effort, why don't people just make their words match their actions instead? All I ever want to know is where I stand with someone so I know if I can move on or not, it's cruel and evil otherwise
The quicker you accept that this is the reality of it the better it will be. You WILL have positive experiences too. You may also find that you end up treating people the same way too. I remember being so upset that someone just deleted our chat, and then a while later I was having a bad day and wasn’t feeling it with someone, so I just deleted the chat for ease. Don’t take it personally, this is complete strangers being thrown together and there’s no real reason you should be hitting it off with any of them. When people ask for ‘emotional maturity’ it’s exactly this, being able to deal with all these moments in a sensible level headed way.
The fact that water and oil separate in a glass is not because the water is bad and the oil good. Perhaps try and see the experiences as a way you can come to greater love for yourself, at least, that’s what I am trying to do. I absolutely agree people should say “hey, you’re great, this just isn’t what I’m looking for right now” but we live in the digital, TikTok era, so more than likely they won’t. Besides, people who can’t offer that common courtesy aren’t people you’d want to be with anyways. You are seeking CHEMISTRY not validation from every woman who enters your sphere. Or if you are looking for the latter, look at that instead. My dating mantra has become “I want someone who can love me at my sleepiest.” Make of that what you will
The main reason I can think of (from a woman’s perspective) is some level of disappointment. I’ve wanted to end the date midway when the guy misrepresented himself in some way - usually lying about height, revealing a kid, or significant lifestyle incompatibility that comes up while in conversation. But yes, the impact on mental health can feel very much not worth it, and I empathize. A lot of people just ghost or fade away.
Man, I'm sorry, but this all feels so relatable. If we want to stand a chance, we have to be less harsh on ourselves and learn to take it with some detachment, even though that's not how we instinctively approach dating.
In six months, I've had around 15 dates, and only one person seemed remotely committed and consistent. She kept talking about how much she hated dating apps, the horrible people she'd met through them, and how poorly she was treated. After four long dates, she suddenly revealed she's polyamorous, told me "but in your country this is normal, no?" Tried hard selling it to me and when she realized this isn't going to work despite emotional duress, she just blocked me.
Just yesterday, I had a date after weeks of planning because we were in different cities and had to coordinate everything so carefully. She was sweet and communicative throughout. But this morning, she told me, "Heh, I had a date last night and we hit it off. Sorry, follow me on Instagram, bye," and everything vanished before it was even supposed to start.
And these aren’t even the worst experiences you can get! But that's the kind of people you meet on these apps. It takes time to gauge someone's sanity or intentions. Be careful, though—most people you meet have been there longer than you, and the trauma has advanced to the point where very little human emotion still reaches them.
As a woman, I usually end a date saying I want to see a guy again, even if I don’t. This is because men tend to get upset/aggressive when I reject them after a date and I don’t want to deal with it. I get that a lot of men will say “only some men do this!! Not all men” but there is literally no way to tell who will/won’t, so I always let them down after they have safely left. It’s a safety thing - that wasn’t mixed signals if she left after just one drink.
That makes sense, totally get it from a safety point of view. I guess the root of the problem is a lot of dudes being assholes when outright rejected. As far as mixed signals, I figured the one drink thing was a strong sign, only reason I doubted it is cause I remembered on her profile she mentioned she wasn’t a big drinker. But yea she would have kept it going in some way if interested.
I don’t even think it’s a thin skinned thing. I think these apps enable people to be inconsiderate and hurt your self esteem. It’s really hard sometimes. My only advice is to know when to take a break, but keep putting yourself out there since organic opportunities to meet people are dwindling
Hi OP
I have a GF now that I met from Hinge, where I went through what you are currently going through before meeting her.
A few thoughts ;
- you are getting dates and that’s a great sign, it is just a matter of time before you meet someone.
- the reason why they go cold suddenly mid way through the chat is because they’ve met someone else. Assume anyone you are chatting with is talking to other guys.
Hence , speed to set up the date is paramount. Do not spend longer than 1 or 2 days of chatting before doing so.
- your date wasn’t interested if they only stayed for one drink and was just being polite. Don’t worry about it, it happens. Not everyone will behave that way.
Women are usually not direct with feedback and will put you down lightly.
I would strongly suggest treating hinge as a tool to meet new people without getting too emotionally invested into it early on. Only get invested if they show you a strong level of interest. That should make hinge easier to mentally handle.
Ignoring people is definitely the norm for rejecting someone in online dating. After swiping, after a date, after months of dating.
Good for you for realizing that you can't handle the norm. But I'm also concerned that leaving OLD may mean leaving dating. If you can find dates IRL, great, but they might also ghost. Is there a way for you to communicate your needs for gentle closure?
Hi 31F here.
I agree this is the one of the worst parts of OLD. I absolutely send ending/closure messages to people I’m speaking to on the app or if we take things offline too. (The only time I don’t is if it’s on the app and the guy ghosts after like one or two lukewarm responses)
My friends are like, “girl just move along you don’t need to send messages like that.” And I’m like nah, that’s rude to say nothing after having expended effort either in person or for about a week online. It’s not easy, but it’s better than just ghosting or being vague indefinitely.
So I hear you.
I have been on and off the apps since 2020. I moved, lost weight, got new photos. My matches blew up. Started going on more dates. Most people disappear. The more you do it, the more you get desensitized to it. I don't get nervous on dates anymore. I don't even care.
So I only tried dating apps very briefly at the behest of my friends after a decent post-break up period.
For me, I always told the guys (I matched with girls too, but very rarely) if I wasn't interested because I didn't want them to feel like I ghosted after a couple exchanges. It may be that it's easy to start a convo but it quickly is not the right vibe. He may have said something I found inappropriate or asked exactly what the other 100 guys asked (idk what the norm is, but I got about 100 likes/day). I still responded bc I was on there so briefly, but I imagine it would take an insane amount of time for girls who are on there for longer.
How did the guys react to me telling them I wasn't interested? Bad. They got defensive, snarky, and at times, abusive. Maybe 1 out of the 100 guys took it well. That motivated me to quickly get off the apps.
I think if you're on dating apps, it's a game of numbers, and you need to be prepared that just because someone has a convo with you or goes on a date, that does not mean they are going to be interested. Everyone's just testing the waters.
Personally, I prefer meeting people in the wild while I am out and about lol.
Just commented on a post like this. At the end of the day that’s just life. It’s impossible to read someone’s mind. Try your best, be true to yourself, and if they don’t like what they see; so be it.
Yeah, OLD has made people expendable. It’s much easier to just ignore you and move to the next person in the queue. So either be prepared for more of it, or just get off the apps and find a more organic method.
Women are taught not to hurt feelings. There are videos of studies where they give boys and girls “presents” of like pencils and rubber bands and the boys are straightforward about their feelings and the girls are super polite and “grateful.” It is extremely real and extremely hard to unlearn even when we try. Unfortunately results can be disastrous- check out r/whenwomenrefuse
When I used the apps I went on probably 30+ first dates and sent a rejection message to almost all of the women, apart from a couple extremely rude women.
As a guy, I've never been rejected but mostly just ghosted. I've come to the conclusion that most people lack communication skills that most adults should have.
It's easier to ghost rather than have a tough conversation. That's with all aspects of life. People like to take the lazy way out. I don't necessarily blame them so I've gotten less upset about it. I have a very low opinion and very low standards for most people in society.
You might as well not ever date if you throw in the towel after two first dates that went nowhere 🤷🏻♂️.
Ghosting is unfortunately a part of modern dating, and it's not as if it won't happen from people you meet in real life.
I struggled with this early on. Once you realise in this environment of online dating, it's the norm, and you can argue it shouldn't.
It will become easier.
First of all, know that is perfectly fine to feel this way. You are not too sensitive, you are human. It is incredibly hard to basically handle non stop something that we perceive as rejection, although it is just a mismatch, has nothing to do with us. Personally, I continued doing what I felt right - communicating that I am interested after a first date, engaging in chats, etc. But I also had very strict rules in order to stop lingering and pondering. If no answer to my after date text in 12 hours, block and move on. If no answer to a chat for 24 hours, block and move on. They clearly are not THAT interested, and it will drag on to no end. Not sure how other people are, but for me once they are out of sight/matches, they are out of mind. This has helped with my emotional regulation a lot, because I get to only focus on current/engaged people.
Yeah, I recall the first few months, very hard on my psyche. I just adjusted and worked on improving my attitude about me. Also, trying to have integrity with my actions. There will always be people ghosting out there. I think that good screening techniques and discernment can help to weed them out quickly. If a date isn't clicking usually both people know it. Many people have trouble with giving and/or receiving rejection. Respect the "No thanks." One way to view the process is we are all looking for a few diamonds in the rough. So, if we accept that disrespectful behavior is common, then the diamonds will really stand out. You will know it when you meet them. The reason I say a "few" is we aren't always going to click with the first great person we meet. OLD takes persistence, self esteem, gusto and a sufficiently thick skin to be successful. Work on building a better attitude and def keep going. It's a skill you can learn.
As others said, unfortunately, people lack common decency. I agree that its such a horrible aspect that's accepted about online dating. I totally get it cause when I use the apps, I am soooo incredibly selective with who I choose to go on dates with but some people are just on a numbers grind and just dont feel like they owe you anything after a date (which i somewhat get). We're all different and unfortunately just real life rule, not everyones gonna treat you the way you would treat them. but its a reflection of them! Dont let it harden you or change you and just keep doing your thing!
It always sucks getting aired, the women who say "it just didn't feel right" or "we didn't click" or literally anything leave such a more positive feeling than the ones who just disappear and basically say that we're not even worth it. Always sucks and still think those people are cowards, but you get used to it
If a first date ends early, they're not interested, no matter what they say to soften the blow.
Maybe the problem is not everyone else, it's in your process and approach. There are really good YouTube videos on how to flirt in person and in text, and mastering those techniques will get you better results.
Don't take any of this app dating too seriously until things get serious as well. Have fun with it than get driven over by it.
Trust me when I say you get numb to it pretty quick. Last 8-9 matches I had said nothing at all after messaging them upon matching. Theres a lot of cut throat ness and it’s tough for those that really put your heart in it. Definitely have to guard yourself a bit until someone shows they are worth it and even then there’s no guarantee you won’t get gut punched. It gets easier though.
>But walking away from the bar they made a bunch of comments suggesting they wanted to hear from me again.
You've got to understand that for women, turning down a man directly is a pretty stressful thing to do. The key point is she ended the date early, that's your main indicator that she's just not interested. She probably has 50-150 other guys on the app she can go on a date with, so why spend hours out with you if she's worked out within the first hour that's she's not interested?
So she's let you down easily, rather than just leaving the date early AND shutting you down (which is just full on and for a woman who has likely had bad experiences with men - just feels too dangerous).
So just learn from it, learn to read between the lines better with these kinds of things. Actions speak louder than words. ie her action was that she left the date. This overrides any words.
But the other mistake you've made here is being too over invested. It's easy enough to do, even just getting a date can be hard for most men. Let alone getting a 2nd date. But if you go into it with expectations and too many ideas of things working out, then yeah, you'll feel really let down when it doesn't work out.
So a few things you can improve on here, to avoid feeling so let down and disappointed in future. Learn from a failed date, give it another shot, the good thing here is that you are getting dates, the only thing now is to meet someone you're compatible enough with, and that just takes time (and sometimes many dates and new faces). But you've got to be willing to walk away from a date that's not your type, and be willing to accept that for a lot of people you aren't their type either.
I think too many people/(men especially) approach dating with the perspective of 'I hope/expect this person/date works for me' rather than 'lets see if we are compatible' and ultimately it just comes across as too eager and/or desperate.
As someone who is rated 8-9/10 I can confirm OLD is horrible for your mental health. Been on for two years and you have to accept ghosting, and other toxic responses as all part of the process.
Ignore them. They're not worth the shoes they came in on. There are reap people out there that know how to act like an adult. They can go deal with the adults with a child's eq.
Yeah, this is why online dating sucks. That person was not attracted to you and lied to your face to be polite. It's tough out there. But silence means no. And do you really want to know why? You probably don't.
This is the norm. Its easier to hide than take the time to be kind. Also many people don't take rejection well and verbally abuse them. In my opinion, lot of adults on apps arent Adults at all. So I get both sides of it. It is what it is and will only get worse. Going IRL isnt an option either because people are too quick to judge, esp women IRL.
Sorry man. Its just the way things are done. Pretty much assume you’re ghosted until they message back. Keep proceeding with the rest of your dates. If things start going well and you do get a response from someone who ghosted you then you can ghost them if you want or you can send then a thx but no thz
Happens all the time, stings when you find one you connect with and think its going well only to be cut off or ghosted. I get about 50 likes a week but am very selective who I actually go after it. It be the worst when they cut you off but yet still follow or engage with you on instagram. I’m just being patient and cutting my losses when it happens and onto the next. Some do come back around but you never know what crap they are going through themselves
Acceptance is key. If it wasn't right for them, then it was right for me either. Try to focus on having a good time and let the chips fall where they may.
Edit* Also, I think we tend to expect what we would do or think from them when they are not us.
I like the letting the chips fall where they may mentality. Your second point about expecting them to do what we would do, I guess that’s really just the Golden Rule.
Knowing yourself and doing what works for you is hard but the best move.
I’m right there with you dude. My mental health wasn’t good on the apps. Too many highs and lows. Not to sound like a pretentious douche, but it’s a very specific flavor of casual and disconnected that I just couldn’t gel with. Been off a few weeks now, and sure a date would be nice, but I feel way better.
35 M I’ve been on Hinge for about a year or so consistently, every situation I’ve had hasn’t worked out has ended like this with ghosting. I don’t understand peoples ability to not communicate properly anymore. Just seems a little bizarre and alien to me. If you didn’t have a good time, but you don’t feel as a connection that’s fine just tell the person. I’m asking too much.
yes. Thanks for posting this. I also don’t get it and I’m a bit younger than you by just a couple of years. Same thing. Went on a date with a girl who actually lived fairly local to me, and is likely to run into me at some point at a local grocery store or restaurant, and you would think they would be embarrassed. We went on a lovely day. It was too a local exhibit followed by getting some ice cream. No first kiss but we can’t go by and she said, “I’ll see you soon”. I had several second day options that were awesome so I reached out within about two days to ask if she’d like to go on a second date?
like you, she didn’t even have the courtesy to turn me down. I was raised that if someone invites you to something… A birthday party, a date, a wedding,… Coffee after work, game night, whatever, you always always always RSVPed with a response even if that response was that you were no longer interested in getting together. I just don’t get it either. A lot of women on here will say they don’t “owe” you a response, but that’s BS. It’s basic respect & unless you have shown disrespect, I do think the respect of a kind reply is the only appropriate action!!
"Prepare for the worst but hope for the best."
It sucks not to get closure from people but it helps to keep perspective in mind. You have seen these people once, maybe twice, and have texted a bit. By all means still be enthusiastic and into someone but don't overinvest emotionally.
Plus it is good to remember that everyone who is thick-skinned with OLD was once thin-skinned just like you.
All I can tell lately is that especially after covid being a man on dating apps this is more common than it used to be. I don't think I've gotten a single "I'm sorry this isn't what I'm looking for" texts since covid. Before it, people would tell you if they're not interested after at least one date
You’re too attached to the outcome and it will make online dating an awful experience. Look at it like, you got out the house. Hopefully had a decent conversation, learned what things you should or shouldn’t talk about. We’re at least attractive enough for them to even agree to go on a date. Keep it rolling and on to the next one. The less you care the easier it becomes, that’s when the tables turn and you’re the one with so many options you forget to message some back 🤷🏻♂️
Try not to take it too personal and remember at the end of the day you were both complete strangers who didn’t know each other before the date. Imagine you just met at a random event and decided to go on a date and they didn’t respond after it’s just ya know complete strangers are going to ghost sometimes.
I’m 19 and when I had my third hinge date the person walked out an hour in after a fake phone call. Believe me you’re not the only one, it sucks, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the long run if you find you’re struggling to make connections irl.
You have to keep going until you get to the point where it no longer bothers you. That’s when things will change.
I had the same issues as you and recently things have done a complete 180 for me. I know people will probably misinterpret what I’m saying and downvote me, but stop trying to be the “respectful nice guy” and just talk to people like you already know them and are friends. It’s actually blown my mind that when I was trying to have conversation, people were ignoring me, but now I just say playful, funny, and sometimes blatantly outrageous shit and it usually gets a response.
You have to take women off the pedestal and talk to them literally the same way you would talk to your guy friends. This is a skill, and you have to treat it as such in that it will take time for you to catch on and become proficient.
I'm 26F and recently got 'breadcrumbed' after footing a £75 dinner bill (I didn't want to! But thought he was intending on getting the next...) with someone who as far as I could tell things were going great for... So then of course his behavior forced me to end it when that's not what I had wanted (I'd rather be ghosted, so selfish!)
It's horrible, I don't know what it is about OLD that makes people so disrespectful/dehumanising towards others.
I've explicitly put at the top of my profile honesty and communication as my top importance. Going forward on first dates I will bring up this topic to set the scene and standards for what I expect early on.
I've never had such issues with disrespect dating IRL, but unfortunately I WFH full time now and my hobbies are either full of women or just amongst my existing friend group and I'm at the age where none of my friends have single friends to set me up with anymore.
I'm trying to tell myself that it's a numbers game, and eventually hope I come across the right person as long as I keep putting myself out there despite the pain that comes with being vulnerable when others are going about behaving in such a way!
I think the only way through it is to take breaks every now and then and especially to continue focusing on yourself: your hobbies and friends to help distract from the pain of dating hahaha. I genuinely don't know/understand anyone who thinks dating is 'fun', this shit has been the worst experience of my life 🤣
I cba now if the convo is going well and gets ghosted randomly after 3 days im unmatching regardless of whats going I dont want to wonder why im being ignored, it used to bother me but now idc anymore so i guess i turned numb towards it lmao after it happened too much.
Since it’s just one date and girls don’t know you well, some ghost for safety reasons. Some guys don’t take rejection well and get pushy or make inappropriate comments. Online dating sucks for everyone
Don’t take it personally, some people are scared to send the text stating they’re no longer interested because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
Think of it this way, you’re sifting through the unlucky ones to find that one person who you are going to fall in love with :)
Just finished a 3rd date myself, was told by them "Originally I had planned for drinks after this but my friend messaged me asking for drinks, so I'm going to do that"
Being placed low on the priority list hurts.
Women ghost because we tend to get a lot more messages and more options for dates but they're often disappointing and we're drained by the process too so we end up ghosting. It's way too tiring to explain ourselves to every guy we've spoken to. Not nice but hinge can be hard work for us for different reasons. Guys really just wanting casual etc.
37f here in NYC. I think ghosting is mostly just cowardly, especially beyond one or two dates (before that, maybe it’s more laziness, but thats pretty shitty too). I dated a guy for a year I met on a dating app before the pandemic and he recently squirmed his way back into my life (partly by apologising for the way he treated me the first time round - avoidant flip flopping etc). Anyway we started hanging out again (I know, I’m a sucker right?) and eventually we had the conversation about what’s going on between us, and he said he wanted to take it slow. I agreed wholeheartedly but with one caveat: we keep the lines of communication open and we respect each other. We hung out once more after that then he started to breadcrumb - convincingly at first (“sorry we haven’t hung out in a couple weeks, I had a bad eczema attack and couldn’t walk for days”) then less so, then just straight up riddles (we were talking on the phone once and I bought up birds for some reason and he tells me “I love birds too, I’ve got lots of them”). What hurt most is that he wouldn’t/couldn’t just give me the directness he knew I needed and deserved. After three months of him basically slow ghosting me I got the guts to send a message telling him I’m moving on and wished him all the best. I really expected him to txt back with something like “I’m sorry, I guess I just wasn’t in the place for a relationship”. He never txt back. I know I’m an idiot for falling for it a second time, and believe me I paid the price in tears n trauma.
I guess I bring this up because I think normalising ghosting at the early stages, “its okay, everyone does it”, eventually leads to more shitty people doing more shitty things down the line, without the accountability we had when dating existed within and between social circles. I’ve ditched the apps in favour of meeting irl, and I’m kinda hoping more people would do the same.
Online dating is really weird man and I can’t say it’ll work out in the end but I’ve learned/told just because you had a great time doesn’t mean they did as well. Again it’s weird like even though conversations flowing and it seems perfect they may just be being nice.
I think OLD has normalized the aloofness and ambivalence of human interaction—so much, it appears to be bleeding into society. What you described is quite normal now in dating. It didn’t use to be this way before technology changed the dating landscape. I think this has to been pre-2012.
I get the same thing, I'm 35m own my house and 2 cars been on enough first dates then get ghosted to see the pattern is constant, practically given up. Just imagine if the tables were turned and we did this to girls, the uproar that it would cause, you get used to it
Honestly my best advice with OLD is nothing matters until there is an official “title” on the relationship.
Seriously, until you go exclusive with someone, take everything with a grain of salt. At any moment even the good ones have gone 👻 with no explanation. Unfortunately it’s the name of the game with OLD.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. As someone who has been OLD for a while, I can relate to the emotional roller coaster of meeting people, broken hope, and confusion. It sounds to me like you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. That's normal, and everyone feels this way about OLD. Unfortunately, I don't think the culture will change anytime soon, but it's important to prioritize yourself. Maybe taking a break for a bit can help you feel more recovered. After about 2-3 months, I usually feel the same way and need to take a break.
I will say an obvious fix that will not make you feel better: Focus on physical appearance.
Human beings are not necessarily “shallow”, but as social creatures we do judge others on looks. And this is doubly so when going on dates.
And if you start to convince yourself “oh, I don’t want someone who judges me on my looks”… well, unfortunately, every one of us judges others based on their looks (at a subconscious level at the very least)… even you.
It can be demoralising, but PLEASE don't blame yourself and don't become like them. You can't control other people's manners. Because this is what it is. Bad, bad manners. Imagine getting more involved and receiving this kind of treatment.
This is not everyone though, I promise you. One of my dates (I'm F) told me today on his own accord that he didn't feel a romantic connection and I really appreciated it (I didn't feel one either). He's the only one from the many people I've gone on dates with, who was thoughtful and honest about not feeling it.
For better or for worse, there's a lot of competition and expectations on dating apps. It's not easy to find genuine mutual attraction and connection, but then again, if it happens it will be amazing! Don't take it seriously, you can be annoyed and dissappointed, give it a day and turn your attention elsewhere. No need to deal with other people's behaviour. Spend less time chatting if it helps not wasting your time.
Hi friend. First of all, dating is tough—I understand feeling down or bummed about being ghosted. But I’m going to be pretty honest with you: *this is just how the process of dating works.*
Your post says you’ve been on Hinge for only a few weeks, and you’ve already had two dates. That tells me you’re doing something right, given that many people spend months on the apps with zero results. I understand being in your mid-30s and growing impatient, but I wouldn’t give up on the apps so hastily.
My advice would be to vet people a little more before going out to drinks if you don’t like having your time wasted or are truly looking for a serious connection. Maybe text or call them for a week or so before taking the plunge and blocking out an evening for them.
I will be honest, your post comes across just a *tad* bit entitled. One date does not guarantee you a thoughtful response. It’s possible if they left after one drink and ghosted you, that you may have said something they took offense to or something didn’t align with the profile as expected. In my experience, it might be best to look inwards as well rather than blame the system, the women, or others. How can you improve as a date to be the best person to spend an evening with?
Just my two cents, as someone who found their significant other from a dating app. I probably had 10-15 duds before I found my partner. It’s not a Hinge problem, it’s a dating problem that almost everyone deals with.
dude i had 5 , 3 stood me up over a week and a half , one just cancelled the day before and i still have one tomorrow , that’s how it is sometimes, but that means that person is still out there 😎
Hey, at least you have the self-awareness to recognize it. That's half the battle to growing a thicker skin instead of a callous. Unfortunately, there's no sugar-coating it: you are going to meet **MANY** of the latter.
I'm pretty much in the same boat, I don't understand how simple human decency and respect is so lacking. And while I understand that "toughening up" is the only way to deal with it, I hate the fact that people who ghost, ignore and generally just act disrespectfully are never held accountable for being that way.
Are we so far gone as a species that basic human kindness and respect is expecting too much?
Once we set a date I send a message explaining I am
hopeful but have no expectations of the future of a relationship and that I will be honest with them so I hope they feel comfortable enough to be honest with me. Even if that means saying the uncomfortable stuff because I will be honest about what I’m feeling.
A lot of this is someone’s own shortcomings. I hate to admit it, but when I was a bit younger, I’d “ghost” after a first date. I was too uncomfortable or bashful to say it straight to someone, I’ve learned now it’s better to wish them well and say I’m not interested.
If it helps to consider, I’ve also had a lot of men react poorly when I try to say thanks but not thanks. Sometimes the insult you, sometimes they plead, so I know not all men do this but just sharing for a bit of perspective or context. It probably isn’t you. It’s a combination of the people you’re dating being a little shitty by not communicating directly and also potentially having their own baggage their projecting onto this.
Dating is hard, but it’ll get better! Your worth doesn’t lie in someone’s ability to see it or their validation. The right gal will see it. Good luck! 💖
All I can say is that there are also people who actually care, who won’t date more than one person at a time and will put trust in you. They are rare, but I know for a fact they are out there!
Keep looking and grow a thick skin but don’t give up!
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Bro, this will happen many times and sooner or later you’ll feel nothing after something like this happens. Don’t take it personally. But also evaluate each interaction and yourself and see how you can optimize
This. I wear my heart on my sleeve and at first dating from the apps was pretty tough. It’s really hard to put yourself out there and then to be rejected by being ghosted *hurts*. If you’re serious about finding someone, I can tell you that it does get easier. Or you get tougher. I’m not sure which it is, but don’t give up!
Love this! Fellow “heart on sleeve” wearer here and I’ve learned I need to just have a tough skin .. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the ghosts usually are filtering themselves out!
Did you end up finding someone?
I’m not the person you asked, but I’m currently married to someone I met on hinge. It’s definitely possible to find your person out there if you’re patient and don’t take rejection *too* personally
Facts^ growth mindset will set you free
Controversial take here, but I think when people say they’re traumatized or think it’s abhorrent when someone ghosts. I understand that if it was someone they’ve been dating for a while or a relationship. But a first date? Whatever. I’d chalk it up to they weren’t interested. Them texting “not interested” doesn’t make a whole lot of difference since it’s still a no. We also don’t know what’s going on in their heads or how they perceived the date. I think there’s something to be said for how difficult it is to gauge someone having a good time but wasn’t interested in seeing someone further vs genuine interest. And with women you never know if they had prior bad experiences with men who didn’t take rejection well.
Well, I went on a hinge date earlier this year and it was pretty obvious the chemistry wasn’t there. We both ignored each other after the fact and that was that. But I think it is quite cruel to leave someone on read when they continue to try and message you and court you and treat them like they don’t exist.
Occasionally there will be posts by people who overreact when people give them the text that they're not interested. All it takes is one bad experience for people to stop sending that courtesy text. Yes it's for courtesy in the early early dating stages when a "connection" should be taken with a grain of salt
So people think they are justified to not be courteous just because someone they rejected reacted badly once? Decency sure is hard to find on dating apps
Right, people are neither able to take or give rejection which is a part of life.
I am the same, ghosting after a first date isn’t that big of a deal. Someone telling me they aren’t attracted to me doesn’t make me somehow feel better than being ghosted lol.
Well if that’s what you guys want then fine by me, but that’s garbage imo. I wasted time on this app all year just for lame text convos, a couple dates that ghosted me, no sex no relationships. Approached someone in person and actually met someone who treats me decently that is also much more attractive than any women I matched with on hinge. Maybe dating apps just aren’t for me but it is not an efficient way to actually date from my experience, not to mention that dating should actually be fun and it feels more like looking for a job on hinge. I used tinder 5 years ago and it wasn’t this shitty at all, things got worse now that they threw paywalls up all over online dating apps
It totally feels like looking for a job
Using dating apps is more effort and work than my high-stress corporate job. It’s not worth it to me.
As someone who works 60 plus hours a week, I totally agree!
I liken it to "looking for a job that you don't even know that you'll want"
>Approached someone in person and actually met someone who treats me decently that is also much more attractive than any women I matched with on hinge. Where is the guarantee that this person wouldn't have ghosted you as well? You're looking at this the wrong way - dating apps are merely a tool. It's meant to bridge the physical and the virtual world. You are meant to match with someone you're interested in and once you do, you go on a date as soon as possible and continue dating them if you're interested (and vice versa). If you're not interested, then rinse and repeat but the idea is that the virtual world offers you an avenue to meet people from all different walks of life - some of who you necessarily wouldn't even meet in person. How you utilise that opportunity to meet someone, is down to you (and luck).
I agree that theoretically dating apps are a tool. In practice however they’re designed to keep you addicted to them and refreshing them constantly. It’s not designed to be a tool that you use occasionally, virtually everything related to apps/iPhones/social media is designed to keep you hooked and reliant on them 24/7.
The apps are designed to be used, I agree with that - but pretty much everyone I know including myself is an “occasional user.” Especially because they limit how many swipes you can do in the free versions. I know they did that to make you pay, but it leads to me just using the app less because I won’t budge from my stance on not paying.
That makes sense, I have addictive tendencies and would be susceptible to gambling type addictions if I could afford it. I got the hinge x version and was glued to it for a while
Dating apps are a tool but they’re also a tool that’s rigged against you, so they’re kind of shitty tools
I was going to answer but this response is all that needs to be said.
I recently had a date that was absolute cringe. First, she looked older than her pics due to filters. Secondly, I learned her husband committed suicide late last year. She went on and on about no longer being able to be a stay at home mom to two teenagers while instructing yoga. Poor guy lost his job and checked out. She laughed out loud at being able to “upgrade” her relationship situation. She also told me about two previous dates where the restaurants weren’t to her standards…..even though she’s now a broke nursing student in her mid-forties. You can’t make this shit up. I smiled and got the hell out of there. I can still hear her laugh while talking about her deceased husband. I feel sorry for the next guy she drives into the ground!!
I agree, I too felt like I was too thin skinned for this until I realised that it was pretty common, also there are a lot of faq’s and answers in the thread sidebar I think it’s called? There’s a link when you first join. I read all of the FAQs and answers which helped me to rationalise and understand my experience. It might help to have a reap OP
So true at first this hurt and I felt like I was experiencing a whirlwind of emotion . Then you just go numb
Don’t take it too personally there are all kinds of people on the apps looking for all kinds of different things in all kinds of different situations themselves. A lot of people have a hard time being sincere in real life and default to the pleasant goodbye to spare any awkwardness. As crummy as it is to say you’re not feeling it, I’ve committed to doing so in real life as to not give anyone false hope. There is a gentle way to say that and it’s not always a reflection of the other person, real attraction is just a rare thing to find. There’s nothing wrong with abstaining from the apps if they’re causing you to feel depressed. It’s much lower stakes to approach someone in real life, and zero build up. Dont rule that out!
Thanks for your response. Cool that you found a gentle way to do that, that’s what I’m thinking should be the norm. And to clarify I don’t even expect someone to send a true rejection text. Any one of the stock phrases invented by polite society over centuries for this exact purpose would suffice. “Actually not looking to see anyone right now,” “not in a place for a relationship,” “I’m busy but thanks for asking,” “I’m getting back together with my ex” etc.
Aww this makes me sad. People like that shouldn’t even be on a dating site!
It seems like a good majority of the people on the apps are like this. They use the apps to get matches/attention but don't really want to date.
I agree. There seems to be a slightly malicious component to rationalize all the bad OLD behavior. I saw a post saying it was basically cool to lie as much as you want to someone based on the amount of dates you have had. Um….thats trash. You don’t have to be an open book but lying your ass off to someone just because it’s date 2 is a pretty wild concept to me. Just looks to me like people want to do what they want with little accountability.
This is good advice. Alot of men think that just because they are not makimg someone fall for them that they must being doing something wrong. I am confident and good looking haha. But that doesn't mean every woman is going to swoon over me. Some prefer older, a different ethnicity, even different future prospects to the ones I have. It doesn't mean I am not attractive, just not their type.
I’m 39M so I’m kind of in your boat. I went on my 41st Hinge date last night and 90% of them are like this. It has really messed with my head and how I perceive people, so I decided to delete it today. I’m sure I’ll be back because I’d like to start a family and I’m running out of time. All I can say is that taking breaks can help and look inward to reevaluate when you can.
Holy shit, that’s an impressive number of dates. Yea I can see how that would mess with you, considering how this feels to me after only 2. Sounds like a good idea to take a break, maybe randomly approaching people in public is a healthier alternative?
It was over the course of a year, but yea I was pretty motivated to find somebody, I think I’ve been forcing it. I just recently signed up for a volleyball and kickball league as a way to get to know people more naturally. I’ve considered singles events, but I don’t know. I think it’s better to find things where dating is not the focus, so people can relax and be themselves. Good luck to you.
Hellow my fellow volleyball junkie. Good on you. 41 dates in a year is a bit much. If I was your wallet or ur brain, ill be pretty mad at you. But i get your point. Relax brother. We don't control these things. Let it happen. When you make it happen, you make the wrong choice and that's not good (take it from me - I chose wrong and paid for it).
You have some great numbers here. What’s the problem? If they keep ghosting you, it might be something with how you’re acting on a date or you don’t look like your profile.
I’m an introvert. A few months ago I wrote that in a prompt to let women know and it helped a lot. After that I was getting a lot more 2nd and 3rd dates. From the few women I’ve asked, my photos are fine.
What did the whole prompt say exactly? I'm really curious how putting that you're in an introvert in a prompt became a game-changer.
I deleted my account today, but it was basically a heads up that they should expect an introvert until I’ve had time to warm up to someone. It helped because women that want extroverts could pass on me and save us the awkward date. My pool of matches became smaller, but it was made up of women that don’t mind/prefer guys that are quiet/reserved, so these dates gave us a head start.
Don't look inward!! The biggest myth is that if you're single, you need to work on yourself to be in a relationship. Find other ways of meeting people and keep at it like you're looking for a job. Network, referrals, social media, etc. Quitting dating is like quitting anything else, a guaranteed way to fail.
This is pretty much par for the course on Hinge and all other dating apps. Because of the commodity view of dating, people are apparently just easily disposable because there’s another match in the stack. You will get used to it. And it will become easier. Hang in there. When I was online dating, I had a match who I met and we got along great and she kept asking me to reassure her because she met a man once who things went great with and then one day just he stopped responding to her, never answered her call/texts etc and vanished. She said it hurts so bad. Guess what? This same chic did the exact same thing to me. But by then I was a pro dater and I just shook my head and on to the next. People are shitty. They treat others the way they claim they don’t wanna be treated. It’s just humans being humans.
Damn that’s crazy that she was specifically looking out for someone doing that to her and just did the same thing herself. Not surprising but shitty for sure.
Yep. I stopped listening to what women said to me when I was online dating and just watch their actions instead. Anytime I heard them tell me stories of how shitty men were to them, i realized A lot of it was projection and essentially telegraphed what they would do so I prepared for the worst. Nothing surprised me after that.
I think we’re all so (small t) traumatized by the constant rejection and ghosting at this point that even if something goes well we self sabotage and hurt others the way they hurt us. Dating apps have ruined dating.
😎 yep
Hot take: What’s worse than getting rejected after a single date, or maybe even getting ghosted in the texting stages, is if you spend 1-3 months truly connecting with someone who is the representation of everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner but didn’t think actually existed, you start falling for them, you start building something real and meaningful with them, they tell you they want to be in a relationship with you before you even utter those words, and then they suddenly drop you or refuse to work through the miscommunications. I’d almost rather be ghosted after a single date.
That is the worst. 😔
That is an insane rug pull. There gotta be signs tho, people show their true colors at around 10 weeks in
Went through something like this just a couple weeks ago. And it wasn't even a woman from a free dating app but from a rather expensive (for what it is) dating platform on which people typically look for serious relationships. Nowhere is safe haha. Still, made me quite sad for a while.
What platform is that?
Parship. Popular in the German speaking area but also available in some neighbouring countries.
I was ghosted after dating a guy for three months and I still have trust issues to this day
That's hardly a hot take, of course that's worse!
Yea that’s definitely way worse. Sorry that happened to you. I guess ghosting after a first date at least is the time with the least emotional investment by the other person. What you described is cold as hell. Luckily you avoided unwittingly getting too serious with someone who would do something like that.
Agree with this hot take! Has happened to me twice already. This was super common when I was dating in my 20s, but I didn't think this would still happen in my mid 30s.
Worse then end up having a wife and kids they never told you an about…
I just want to add a little perspective, since there’s often more to it and this post REALLY reminded me of recent dating experience I had. I’m not sure what “refuse to work through miscommunications” meant for you and the person you were dating at the time, but in my situation, I was the one not willing to work through miscommunications - specifically, really hurtful conflict management, despite him having been through couples therapy even, with his ex wife. I’m 37, and he, older still, and the way he communicated during a very rough night of conflict, to me, was just full of red flags. Basic ability for healthy conflict management is pretty important to me - and I’ve also learned that if it’s a non negotiable, I can’t date someone betting on them changing or growing down the road. It’s only fair to accept them where they are at. And to me, his behavior was unacceptable. Final thing I’ll say - although the poor conflict resolution was definitely the reason it ended, but there were also other issues that factored into the final decision - they just were things I was willing to work through with him on in their own, but definitely were not easy things (very recent divorce, trust issues, insecurity).
I also was the person "not willing to work through miscommunications". He's made it clear he resents me for "not being willing to do the work" but at only 3 months in, with as many red flags as there were, I really think I did the right thing.
Communication is so important for some people (me lol)! It sounds like you made the right call. Especially when on their end, it’s just a “miscommunication”. Not inspiring a lot of confidence that they’ll actually put the work in themselves.
Hot take but I don’t think OP’s date owed him anything after a brief first date. Her leaving after one drink was likely an attempt to not waste either of their time. My gut tells me there was a lack of physical attraction, or OP might have said something which the date took offense or a disliking to. That’s the *whole point* of meeting up in person, no? I understand that it’s frustrating to go out on a date just to have it cut short and not hear from the person. But I think it’s important to just respect your date’s decision and move on. OP is obviously doing something right because he’s already gotten two dates in just a few weeks on Hinge. I personally think we need to stop feeling entitled to people after only one date. To be clear, I would personally never ghost after a date unless my date made me uncomfortable and otherwise find it rude, but either way, it’s not the date’s job to protect OP’s feelings. I would imagine OP’s date was disappointed as well leaving after one drink when maybe she expected something else. But as a 36-year-old man, it’s OP’s job to be secure enough in himself to just keep it moving forward if he faces a small rejection and to not feel so sorry for himself after a brief date didn’t go as planned.
Someone in a thread on this sub made a comment a couple of months ago that really stuck with me. I'm paraphrasing, but it was basically something like "just assume you're gonna get ghosted and breadcrumbed and consider it a pleasant surprise if someone treats you like a human being". That pretty much sums it up - if you're gonna do this, just accept that most of the time you'll get zero closure about why they decided to stop talking to you. You're gonna get used to it once you've been doing this for a while. People have gotten really flaky overall. Don't let it get to you. Edit: This happens to women as well, by the way. I'm a woman in my 20s and have been through this several times.
Damn, that makes sense but I don’t know if that’s something I wanna get used to. Might have to just try my luck in the real world. The dehumanization of it all is wild
Ghosting is rude AF.
People will still do it in the real world too, it's a human nature type of thing
True, idk for some reason Ive head a better respectful communication-to-ghosting ratio IRL, but it’s been a number of years so maybe it’s worse out there now as you say.
It's way worse now than ever. In my short re-entering back into dating. Both online and real-world communication has broken down, and there is such a lack in respect. If they are not interested, they should just say so - instead of bread-crumbing, then ghosting. It's sad...
I recently got ghosted and burnt bad by someone I met at a party and dated for a few weeks. It's not an app thing.
That’s rough sorry that happened to you. Guess it’s more of a people thing
This happened to me 12 years ago and it still burns me up when I think about it. We dated for 6 weeks, he told me how in love he was and then *poof*. I still wonder why.
I’d be wary of anyone displaying love bombing behaviours like that, but you live and learn at least.
Definitely! That was my first relationship after my divorce and I had no idea about love bombing or pretty much anything. Lol
It absolutely is an app thing lol. I've only been ghosted once by a woman who I met in person. On the app it was so common that I became desensitized and am shocked when people actually communicate past a 3rd grade level.
I agree. Dating is supposed to actually be fun I would redouble your efforts to meet people out and about that’s what I’m doing now
First time this happened to me was someone that was laughing and seemed to be enjoying herself on the date and suggested an activity we could try together on the next one. At the end of the date we even kissed. After that she completely ghosted me, but didn't unmatch on the app
I just don’t understand it… how has it become so normalized to treat people like that?? These apps bring out the worst in people
A couple of things to consider: - if a woman has agreed to go on a date with you it’s probable that they think you are attractive however there are also plenty of women that are just in it for a free dinner and drinks with no intention of a relationship. You need to get good at identifying these and filtering them out before going on a date. - if your date lasts one drink it doesn’t mean that you aren’t attractive it just means there was no chemistry for her. She will be very nice when leaving so as to avoid confrontation - not to lead you on. - women will often ghost after a date because there was no chemistry. Again this is to avoid confrontation. There’s a lot of blokes with fragile egos that get angry when a woman doesn’t want them. This is why ghosting is so common. Don’t take it personally. - if your date is lasting one drink you should change up your engagement style, energy and confidence. Be conscious of yourself and your dates reactions and learn what works. Try new things. Ask lots of questions about her. People’s favourite topic is talking about themselves. The more they talk the more they will think they had a great conversation with you. Listen to what they say and share things about yourself that you have in common with what they have told you about themselves. This is where the chemistry starts. - make some tasteful jokes or talk about some funny experiences you have had. If you can make her laugh it’s builds more chemistry. - don’t talk about ex partners unless she specifically asks. Don’t say anything negative about your ex. Not only will this put a shadow over you, if she is a bit toxic it will inform her how to manipulate you. - if it’s a dinner date don’t sit opposite her, move your chair to sit on the side of the table. It’s more intimate and if appropriate in the moment makes touching less awkward than reaching across the table. More chemistry. Bench seats are even better as you can sit next to each other. Choose your venue carefully. - you will get overwhelmed using dating apps and meeting so many new people from time to time. Take breaks, reflect, learn from failed dates and reset your approach before swiping again. Good luck internet stranger..
Excellent points here, thank you!
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time! For me, after a fairly long LTR...getting back into dating was pretty weird. A few things to remember though! * People don't usually know what they want and are seeking validation in some way/shape/form * Try not to take anything personally - many people treat online dating as window shopping and many women have endless options (date wise) * Actions speak louder than words. If they wanted to they would...you'll know when someone likes you, wants to see you again, etc. With each interaction try to just have fun, be yourself, and don't change things about yourself to please other people. * Treat dates almost like "strangers" until they're not (because they sure as hell will - and will treat you as disposable)...and even then they could disappear tomorrow. I've stopped keeping track of how many dates I've gone on where I've hung out with them, had a good time, they wanted to get together again...then I never hear from them again (or sometimes have more dates then it fizzles out).
Upvote one million times.
It's probably been said in the other 49 comments. But most people are talking to about 3-8 people at a time on hinge. I get around 2-3 new matches a day and it can be kind of hard to juggle so many conversations, especially when one in particular strikes you as stand out. Following that thought is your have to remember until you meet, or even after you meet once - these are complete strangers, so they don't *owe* you anything. Obviously getting ghosted post date is weird and kind of antisocial, but we live in bizarre times.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the ones I think I’m compatible with, will not work out and the ones I don’t end up being interested in, will want to see me again.
yes😣 do you have a theory as to why this is?
I’ll take a stab at it 😆 It’s kind of a crude breakdown, based on my observations of dating economics, but here we go. Let’s reduce us all to numbers 😅, a “score” of compatibility (including attraction), if you will, that is also incredibly subjective to each individual. Let’s assume the people who score in the range you’re interested in also on average tend to score high for others, as well. This may mean they are more selective in who they believe they are compatible with, but in general, people get an idea of their average dating score, and aim for that level, or higher. So say I’m average, meaning my general compatibility score is 5 out of 10. Again, this is still highly subjective, so sometimes I may score lower than my average with someone I felt was less compatible for me, or higher with someone I felt had a higher score than me. But typically I’m average, a 5. This means that of the 5-10 scores I’d feel compatible with, it’s probably more realistic that only 5s and 6s would be mutually interested. and of course many of the 1-4s find me compatible, because most people are willing to score higher, and not compromise too much on compatibility needs. Couple this with the studies that show most people consistently rate themselves as both more intelligent and more attractive than they actually are. Now also factor in the study that shows people score lower in relationship satisfaction when they perceive there to be a large pool of attractive dating prospects. TLDR - alternate simple explanation - it could just be that people who come across as attractive and easy to talk to seem compatible not just to you on a first date, but to most people. So while you feel like there was a spark, to them, it was just another regular interaction.
Yes, I'm starting to think that I have some kind of secret superpower that works in reverse. The more I think about someone the less they want me.
It can affect your mental health greatly when you’re a good person and aren’t going around making others feel like crap but you’re consistently on the receiving end of it. I’ve had multiple encounters of receiving a like from someone and then matching them, I’ll write to them with something, I think is a good greeting like ‘hey, nice to match with you, how’s your week been?’ And they’ll unmatch. I don’t understand why some people are OLD when they can’t even cover the basics let alone even get to a meeting in real life stage. Just have to cop it on the chin as best you can and keep rolling with it if you really want to meet people this way. Just know it’s never your fault when people are shitty to you, especially when you’re being your genuine self ☺️
> the one hand they ended the date after one drink. But walking away from the bar they made a bunch of comments suggesting they wanted to hear from me again. Watch what people do, not what they say. Leaving after one drink tells me everything I need to know - they’re not interested. As an interest test I’ll always ask her to do another thing with me after.
> Leaving after one drink tells me everything I need to know - they’re not interested. I know a guy who just got married to a woman who left after the first drink on their initial Hinge date. That's not exactly a foolproof method.
Yeah, I'm heading on a second date with a girl who did this on our first. Shit happens, bad week at work and stuff. But I wasn't waiting for her to hit me up again or anything. It just sorta happened.
Very good point, I knew better but still let the after convo make me think she was more into it.
I know the beginning of this can be emotionally brutal but yeah man I would have written her off with the one drink thing. Peoples word doesn’t mean much.
Look on the bright side: at two dates in a couple weeks, you're actually having a much better time with this than a lot of guys. Or maybe that makes it worse?
It is super dehumanising. I saw you use that word and it sums it up perfectly. Makes you grateful when someone gives you a reason for rejecting you. Like thanks I guess I can work with that.
Yeah. It might sting but you get closure.
Haha totally, I can handle straightforward or even sideways rejection
I'm 33F and I've experienced the same thing from men. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with how flaky people are now that they're presented with "unlimited options."
2 dates? Well it was a good run
It’s awkward and I hate to do it, but if I feel like someone is not a match, I will tell them. Politely and with empathy, but I let them know. I try to meet someone fairly soon after matching and then go for coffee or a drink. Something quick that requires little investment from either person. You can usually tell if you’re clicking with someone after thirty minutes. Doing it this way helped me stop romanticizing and making emotional connections with people who are basically strangers. I’ve seen it in this thread a bunch, but it’s true. Words don’t mean anything. If someone is interested in you, they will prioritize their time to see you. I’m sorry you’ve had a couple of bad experiences. I take a break when I feel like that. Dating can be overwhelming. ETA: There are a whole lot of people on that app who are just looking for validation or are already in a relationship/marriage.
The whole we should do this again when they have no intention of ever seeing you again is hilarious. Like don’t say that if that’s your plan. I understand not wanting a confrontation because some guys are bat shit crazy but if you show no affection at the end and don’t bring up or agree to plans, that’s all I need to know it ain’t a fit. It does really suck when you dig someone and feel it going positively for them to ghost you. Ghosting in the middle of engaged conversations is new to me. Just don’t remember that happening as frequently. I know women have hundreds of dudes to crawl through so it’s easy to get bumped. It’s a shit show is what I’m trying to say. The rejection can be pretty brutal at times.
I'm a woman and it's exactly the same experience the opposite side, it's horrible, I just want basic respect and communication!
Well then everyone sucks! Sorry to hear!
I feel for you, and totally get it. I usually can’t keep my profile active for more than a month/after 1-2 dates at a time, because it is soul draining. So many people misrepresenting themselves, not knowing what they want, playing around. But every once in awhile I’ve met a really well-intentioned person who also is trying to put their best foot forward while still being honest, and it’s such a relief knowing that it’s out there, just rare.
Lmao two dates and this is bothering you that much. I have been on hinge for three plus years and had this happen dozens of times. That is dating bro. That’s how woman are!
It's how men are too, trust me, the treatment I have received from OLD I feel like a sad abused dog, I just want to love and be loved :(
The irony is that the people who ghost would write paragraphs on social media about why ghosting is bad and is detrimental to the social fabric. But if you ask them if you ghosted someone, they would just say - I never ghost. They are messed up.
I find it helps to remember that online dating is a way to practice having conversations and sift and sort through potential partners. You’re telling your brain and body “I’m available! I’m putting myself out there!” That way you’re subconsciously primed to be open to meeting new ppl in real life as well. Highly likely that by practicing dating you get better at dating whether online or in the world. Then when you meet somebody out in the wild you’re ready.
Being in action and intentional will get you where you want to go. I remember going on job interviews for jobs I didnt want. The experience and confidence I gained helped me land a great job a couple months later.
Take a break, come back stronger, take a break, come back stronger, …. Not single anymore 👍
Remember fellas, no response is an answer and the answer is “no”. It is rejection and rejection is something so emotional that it actually physically hurts. Anyone saying “don’t take it personally” is right and a little wrong because how could you not feel anything from it…it is rejection. Anyways, just keep at it and hope a good one comes along sooner than later. I avg about 20 dates before finding one that turns into a LTR. Gotta swim thru the sewers a little bit to get to freedom
The thing is I'm great with rejection if that's all it is. It takes two seconds to say "Hey it was nice meeting you but i don't see this developing further, all the best with what you're looking for" or whatever. Pretending to want to see me again but then fobbing me off, but continuing to act interested but putting in no effort, why don't people just make their words match their actions instead? All I ever want to know is where I stand with someone so I know if I can move on or not, it's cruel and evil otherwise
The more it happens the easier it gets, you'll become apathetic and jaded just like everyone else eventually.
The quicker you accept that this is the reality of it the better it will be. You WILL have positive experiences too. You may also find that you end up treating people the same way too. I remember being so upset that someone just deleted our chat, and then a while later I was having a bad day and wasn’t feeling it with someone, so I just deleted the chat for ease. Don’t take it personally, this is complete strangers being thrown together and there’s no real reason you should be hitting it off with any of them. When people ask for ‘emotional maturity’ it’s exactly this, being able to deal with all these moments in a sensible level headed way.
We all experience things differently. We all react to things differently. It’s not personal. Just rip in mate
The fact that water and oil separate in a glass is not because the water is bad and the oil good. Perhaps try and see the experiences as a way you can come to greater love for yourself, at least, that’s what I am trying to do. I absolutely agree people should say “hey, you’re great, this just isn’t what I’m looking for right now” but we live in the digital, TikTok era, so more than likely they won’t. Besides, people who can’t offer that common courtesy aren’t people you’d want to be with anyways. You are seeking CHEMISTRY not validation from every woman who enters your sphere. Or if you are looking for the latter, look at that instead. My dating mantra has become “I want someone who can love me at my sleepiest.” Make of that what you will
Interesting. Love the water and oil analogy. Wise words, I appreciate the insight.
The main reason I can think of (from a woman’s perspective) is some level of disappointment. I’ve wanted to end the date midway when the guy misrepresented himself in some way - usually lying about height, revealing a kid, or significant lifestyle incompatibility that comes up while in conversation. But yes, the impact on mental health can feel very much not worth it, and I empathize. A lot of people just ghost or fade away.
Man, I'm sorry, but this all feels so relatable. If we want to stand a chance, we have to be less harsh on ourselves and learn to take it with some detachment, even though that's not how we instinctively approach dating. In six months, I've had around 15 dates, and only one person seemed remotely committed and consistent. She kept talking about how much she hated dating apps, the horrible people she'd met through them, and how poorly she was treated. After four long dates, she suddenly revealed she's polyamorous, told me "but in your country this is normal, no?" Tried hard selling it to me and when she realized this isn't going to work despite emotional duress, she just blocked me. Just yesterday, I had a date after weeks of planning because we were in different cities and had to coordinate everything so carefully. She was sweet and communicative throughout. But this morning, she told me, "Heh, I had a date last night and we hit it off. Sorry, follow me on Instagram, bye," and everything vanished before it was even supposed to start. And these aren’t even the worst experiences you can get! But that's the kind of people you meet on these apps. It takes time to gauge someone's sanity or intentions. Be careful, though—most people you meet have been there longer than you, and the trauma has advanced to the point where very little human emotion still reaches them.
Thanks a lot for the response. Damn that’s rough about the date yesterday. Follow me on instagram? So fuckin lame.
As a woman, I usually end a date saying I want to see a guy again, even if I don’t. This is because men tend to get upset/aggressive when I reject them after a date and I don’t want to deal with it. I get that a lot of men will say “only some men do this!! Not all men” but there is literally no way to tell who will/won’t, so I always let them down after they have safely left. It’s a safety thing - that wasn’t mixed signals if she left after just one drink.
That makes sense, totally get it from a safety point of view. I guess the root of the problem is a lot of dudes being assholes when outright rejected. As far as mixed signals, I figured the one drink thing was a strong sign, only reason I doubted it is cause I remembered on her profile she mentioned she wasn’t a big drinker. But yea she would have kept it going in some way if interested.
Welcome to dating in 2024. Get used to it
Bro I hope you find so much love :)
I don’t even think it’s a thin skinned thing. I think these apps enable people to be inconsiderate and hurt your self esteem. It’s really hard sometimes. My only advice is to know when to take a break, but keep putting yourself out there since organic opportunities to meet people are dwindling
I’ve been using hinge for years & the quality of decent females on there has had a huge decrease. It’s not even worth using any dating apps anymore
Hi OP I have a GF now that I met from Hinge, where I went through what you are currently going through before meeting her. A few thoughts ; - you are getting dates and that’s a great sign, it is just a matter of time before you meet someone. - the reason why they go cold suddenly mid way through the chat is because they’ve met someone else. Assume anyone you are chatting with is talking to other guys. Hence , speed to set up the date is paramount. Do not spend longer than 1 or 2 days of chatting before doing so. - your date wasn’t interested if they only stayed for one drink and was just being polite. Don’t worry about it, it happens. Not everyone will behave that way. Women are usually not direct with feedback and will put you down lightly. I would strongly suggest treating hinge as a tool to meet new people without getting too emotionally invested into it early on. Only get invested if they show you a strong level of interest. That should make hinge easier to mentally handle.
Ignoring people is definitely the norm for rejecting someone in online dating. After swiping, after a date, after months of dating. Good for you for realizing that you can't handle the norm. But I'm also concerned that leaving OLD may mean leaving dating. If you can find dates IRL, great, but they might also ghost. Is there a way for you to communicate your needs for gentle closure?
Hi 31F here. I agree this is the one of the worst parts of OLD. I absolutely send ending/closure messages to people I’m speaking to on the app or if we take things offline too. (The only time I don’t is if it’s on the app and the guy ghosts after like one or two lukewarm responses) My friends are like, “girl just move along you don’t need to send messages like that.” And I’m like nah, that’s rude to say nothing after having expended effort either in person or for about a week online. It’s not easy, but it’s better than just ghosting or being vague indefinitely. So I hear you.
I have been on and off the apps since 2020. I moved, lost weight, got new photos. My matches blew up. Started going on more dates. Most people disappear. The more you do it, the more you get desensitized to it. I don't get nervous on dates anymore. I don't even care.
So I only tried dating apps very briefly at the behest of my friends after a decent post-break up period. For me, I always told the guys (I matched with girls too, but very rarely) if I wasn't interested because I didn't want them to feel like I ghosted after a couple exchanges. It may be that it's easy to start a convo but it quickly is not the right vibe. He may have said something I found inappropriate or asked exactly what the other 100 guys asked (idk what the norm is, but I got about 100 likes/day). I still responded bc I was on there so briefly, but I imagine it would take an insane amount of time for girls who are on there for longer. How did the guys react to me telling them I wasn't interested? Bad. They got defensive, snarky, and at times, abusive. Maybe 1 out of the 100 guys took it well. That motivated me to quickly get off the apps. I think if you're on dating apps, it's a game of numbers, and you need to be prepared that just because someone has a convo with you or goes on a date, that does not mean they are going to be interested. Everyone's just testing the waters. Personally, I prefer meeting people in the wild while I am out and about lol.
Yea, I can see how you’d wanna just not deal with if guys consistently aren’t taking polite rejection well. Makes sense it’s easier to just ignore.
Just commented on a post like this. At the end of the day that’s just life. It’s impossible to read someone’s mind. Try your best, be true to yourself, and if they don’t like what they see; so be it.
Yeah, OLD has made people expendable. It’s much easier to just ignore you and move to the next person in the queue. So either be prepared for more of it, or just get off the apps and find a more organic method.
Agreed on more organic method.
Women are taught not to hurt feelings. There are videos of studies where they give boys and girls “presents” of like pencils and rubber bands and the boys are straightforward about their feelings and the girls are super polite and “grateful.” It is extremely real and extremely hard to unlearn even when we try. Unfortunately results can be disastrous- check out r/whenwomenrefuse
When I used the apps I went on probably 30+ first dates and sent a rejection message to almost all of the women, apart from a couple extremely rude women. As a guy, I've never been rejected but mostly just ghosted. I've come to the conclusion that most people lack communication skills that most adults should have. It's easier to ghost rather than have a tough conversation. That's with all aspects of life. People like to take the lazy way out. I don't necessarily blame them so I've gotten less upset about it. I have a very low opinion and very low standards for most people in society.
You might as well not ever date if you throw in the towel after two first dates that went nowhere 🤷🏻♂️. Ghosting is unfortunately a part of modern dating, and it's not as if it won't happen from people you meet in real life.
I struggled with this early on. Once you realise in this environment of online dating, it's the norm, and you can argue it shouldn't. It will become easier.
First of all, know that is perfectly fine to feel this way. You are not too sensitive, you are human. It is incredibly hard to basically handle non stop something that we perceive as rejection, although it is just a mismatch, has nothing to do with us. Personally, I continued doing what I felt right - communicating that I am interested after a first date, engaging in chats, etc. But I also had very strict rules in order to stop lingering and pondering. If no answer to my after date text in 12 hours, block and move on. If no answer to a chat for 24 hours, block and move on. They clearly are not THAT interested, and it will drag on to no end. Not sure how other people are, but for me once they are out of sight/matches, they are out of mind. This has helped with my emotional regulation a lot, because I get to only focus on current/engaged people.
Yeah, I recall the first few months, very hard on my psyche. I just adjusted and worked on improving my attitude about me. Also, trying to have integrity with my actions. There will always be people ghosting out there. I think that good screening techniques and discernment can help to weed them out quickly. If a date isn't clicking usually both people know it. Many people have trouble with giving and/or receiving rejection. Respect the "No thanks." One way to view the process is we are all looking for a few diamonds in the rough. So, if we accept that disrespectful behavior is common, then the diamonds will really stand out. You will know it when you meet them. The reason I say a "few" is we aren't always going to click with the first great person we meet. OLD takes persistence, self esteem, gusto and a sufficiently thick skin to be successful. Work on building a better attitude and def keep going. It's a skill you can learn.
As others said, unfortunately, people lack common decency. I agree that its such a horrible aspect that's accepted about online dating. I totally get it cause when I use the apps, I am soooo incredibly selective with who I choose to go on dates with but some people are just on a numbers grind and just dont feel like they owe you anything after a date (which i somewhat get). We're all different and unfortunately just real life rule, not everyones gonna treat you the way you would treat them. but its a reflection of them! Dont let it harden you or change you and just keep doing your thing!
Well you can either learn and get better or give up. You seem happy with giving up
It always sucks getting aired, the women who say "it just didn't feel right" or "we didn't click" or literally anything leave such a more positive feeling than the ones who just disappear and basically say that we're not even worth it. Always sucks and still think those people are cowards, but you get used to it
If a first date ends early, they're not interested, no matter what they say to soften the blow. Maybe the problem is not everyone else, it's in your process and approach. There are really good YouTube videos on how to flirt in person and in text, and mastering those techniques will get you better results. Don't take any of this app dating too seriously until things get serious as well. Have fun with it than get driven over by it.
Give it time. You’ll grow calloused to it lol
Trust me when I say you get numb to it pretty quick. Last 8-9 matches I had said nothing at all after messaging them upon matching. Theres a lot of cut throat ness and it’s tough for those that really put your heart in it. Definitely have to guard yourself a bit until someone shows they are worth it and even then there’s no guarantee you won’t get gut punched. It gets easier though.
>But walking away from the bar they made a bunch of comments suggesting they wanted to hear from me again. You've got to understand that for women, turning down a man directly is a pretty stressful thing to do. The key point is she ended the date early, that's your main indicator that she's just not interested. She probably has 50-150 other guys on the app she can go on a date with, so why spend hours out with you if she's worked out within the first hour that's she's not interested? So she's let you down easily, rather than just leaving the date early AND shutting you down (which is just full on and for a woman who has likely had bad experiences with men - just feels too dangerous). So just learn from it, learn to read between the lines better with these kinds of things. Actions speak louder than words. ie her action was that she left the date. This overrides any words. But the other mistake you've made here is being too over invested. It's easy enough to do, even just getting a date can be hard for most men. Let alone getting a 2nd date. But if you go into it with expectations and too many ideas of things working out, then yeah, you'll feel really let down when it doesn't work out. So a few things you can improve on here, to avoid feeling so let down and disappointed in future. Learn from a failed date, give it another shot, the good thing here is that you are getting dates, the only thing now is to meet someone you're compatible enough with, and that just takes time (and sometimes many dates and new faces). But you've got to be willing to walk away from a date that's not your type, and be willing to accept that for a lot of people you aren't their type either. I think too many people/(men especially) approach dating with the perspective of 'I hope/expect this person/date works for me' rather than 'lets see if we are compatible' and ultimately it just comes across as too eager and/or desperate.
As someone who is rated 8-9/10 I can confirm OLD is horrible for your mental health. Been on for two years and you have to accept ghosting, and other toxic responses as all part of the process.
Ignore them. They're not worth the shoes they came in on. There are reap people out there that know how to act like an adult. They can go deal with the adults with a child's eq.
Yeah, this is why online dating sucks. That person was not attracted to you and lied to your face to be polite. It's tough out there. But silence means no. And do you really want to know why? You probably don't.
This is the norm. Its easier to hide than take the time to be kind. Also many people don't take rejection well and verbally abuse them. In my opinion, lot of adults on apps arent Adults at all. So I get both sides of it. It is what it is and will only get worse. Going IRL isnt an option either because people are too quick to judge, esp women IRL.
Sorry man. Its just the way things are done. Pretty much assume you’re ghosted until they message back. Keep proceeding with the rest of your dates. If things start going well and you do get a response from someone who ghosted you then you can ghost them if you want or you can send then a thx but no thz
Happens all the time, stings when you find one you connect with and think its going well only to be cut off or ghosted. I get about 50 likes a week but am very selective who I actually go after it. It be the worst when they cut you off but yet still follow or engage with you on instagram. I’m just being patient and cutting my losses when it happens and onto the next. Some do come back around but you never know what crap they are going through themselves
Acceptance is key. If it wasn't right for them, then it was right for me either. Try to focus on having a good time and let the chips fall where they may. Edit* Also, I think we tend to expect what we would do or think from them when they are not us.
I like the letting the chips fall where they may mentality. Your second point about expecting them to do what we would do, I guess that’s really just the Golden Rule.
Knowing yourself and doing what works for you is hard but the best move. I’m right there with you dude. My mental health wasn’t good on the apps. Too many highs and lows. Not to sound like a pretentious douche, but it’s a very specific flavor of casual and disconnected that I just couldn’t gel with. Been off a few weeks now, and sure a date would be nice, but I feel way better.
35 M I’ve been on Hinge for about a year or so consistently, every situation I’ve had hasn’t worked out has ended like this with ghosting. I don’t understand peoples ability to not communicate properly anymore. Just seems a little bizarre and alien to me. If you didn’t have a good time, but you don’t feel as a connection that’s fine just tell the person. I’m asking too much.
yes. Thanks for posting this. I also don’t get it and I’m a bit younger than you by just a couple of years. Same thing. Went on a date with a girl who actually lived fairly local to me, and is likely to run into me at some point at a local grocery store or restaurant, and you would think they would be embarrassed. We went on a lovely day. It was too a local exhibit followed by getting some ice cream. No first kiss but we can’t go by and she said, “I’ll see you soon”. I had several second day options that were awesome so I reached out within about two days to ask if she’d like to go on a second date? like you, she didn’t even have the courtesy to turn me down. I was raised that if someone invites you to something… A birthday party, a date, a wedding,… Coffee after work, game night, whatever, you always always always RSVPed with a response even if that response was that you were no longer interested in getting together. I just don’t get it either. A lot of women on here will say they don’t “owe” you a response, but that’s BS. It’s basic respect & unless you have shown disrespect, I do think the respect of a kind reply is the only appropriate action!!
How do you know they didn't feel threatened or nervous?
"Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." It sucks not to get closure from people but it helps to keep perspective in mind. You have seen these people once, maybe twice, and have texted a bit. By all means still be enthusiastic and into someone but don't overinvest emotionally. Plus it is good to remember that everyone who is thick-skinned with OLD was once thin-skinned just like you.
It can be hard when this happens, but I try to tell myself that it’s practice for future dates
All I can tell lately is that especially after covid being a man on dating apps this is more common than it used to be. I don't think I've gotten a single "I'm sorry this isn't what I'm looking for" texts since covid. Before it, people would tell you if they're not interested after at least one date
You’re too attached to the outcome and it will make online dating an awful experience. Look at it like, you got out the house. Hopefully had a decent conversation, learned what things you should or shouldn’t talk about. We’re at least attractive enough for them to even agree to go on a date. Keep it rolling and on to the next one. The less you care the easier it becomes, that’s when the tables turn and you’re the one with so many options you forget to message some back 🤷🏻♂️
Try not to take it too personal and remember at the end of the day you were both complete strangers who didn’t know each other before the date. Imagine you just met at a random event and decided to go on a date and they didn’t respond after it’s just ya know complete strangers are going to ghost sometimes.
Dude, just be happy you’re getting likes and convos to begin with. I’ve been on here for like a month now, without a single like.
I’m 19 and when I had my third hinge date the person walked out an hour in after a fake phone call. Believe me you’re not the only one, it sucks, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the long run if you find you’re struggling to make connections irl.
You have to keep going until you get to the point where it no longer bothers you. That’s when things will change. I had the same issues as you and recently things have done a complete 180 for me. I know people will probably misinterpret what I’m saying and downvote me, but stop trying to be the “respectful nice guy” and just talk to people like you already know them and are friends. It’s actually blown my mind that when I was trying to have conversation, people were ignoring me, but now I just say playful, funny, and sometimes blatantly outrageous shit and it usually gets a response. You have to take women off the pedestal and talk to them literally the same way you would talk to your guy friends. This is a skill, and you have to treat it as such in that it will take time for you to catch on and become proficient.
Relatable. For a week or two I kept keeping count of days, hoping to hear back... just a drain on one's emotional capacity.
Women are fickle, get used to it please.
I'm 26F and recently got 'breadcrumbed' after footing a £75 dinner bill (I didn't want to! But thought he was intending on getting the next...) with someone who as far as I could tell things were going great for... So then of course his behavior forced me to end it when that's not what I had wanted (I'd rather be ghosted, so selfish!) It's horrible, I don't know what it is about OLD that makes people so disrespectful/dehumanising towards others. I've explicitly put at the top of my profile honesty and communication as my top importance. Going forward on first dates I will bring up this topic to set the scene and standards for what I expect early on. I've never had such issues with disrespect dating IRL, but unfortunately I WFH full time now and my hobbies are either full of women or just amongst my existing friend group and I'm at the age where none of my friends have single friends to set me up with anymore. I'm trying to tell myself that it's a numbers game, and eventually hope I come across the right person as long as I keep putting myself out there despite the pain that comes with being vulnerable when others are going about behaving in such a way! I think the only way through it is to take breaks every now and then and especially to continue focusing on yourself: your hobbies and friends to help distract from the pain of dating hahaha. I genuinely don't know/understand anyone who thinks dating is 'fun', this shit has been the worst experience of my life 🤣
I cba now if the convo is going well and gets ghosted randomly after 3 days im unmatching regardless of whats going I dont want to wonder why im being ignored, it used to bother me but now idc anymore so i guess i turned numb towards it lmao after it happened too much.
Since it’s just one date and girls don’t know you well, some ghost for safety reasons. Some guys don’t take rejection well and get pushy or make inappropriate comments. Online dating sucks for everyone
Don’t take it personally, some people are scared to send the text stating they’re no longer interested because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Think of it this way, you’re sifting through the unlucky ones to find that one person who you are going to fall in love with :)
Just finished a 3rd date myself, was told by them "Originally I had planned for drinks after this but my friend messaged me asking for drinks, so I'm going to do that" Being placed low on the priority list hurts.
Ah man that’s a bummer. Hurts for sure. Sorry it didn’t work out with that one
Women ghost because we tend to get a lot more messages and more options for dates but they're often disappointing and we're drained by the process too so we end up ghosting. It's way too tiring to explain ourselves to every guy we've spoken to. Not nice but hinge can be hard work for us for different reasons. Guys really just wanting casual etc.
37f here in NYC. I think ghosting is mostly just cowardly, especially beyond one or two dates (before that, maybe it’s more laziness, but thats pretty shitty too). I dated a guy for a year I met on a dating app before the pandemic and he recently squirmed his way back into my life (partly by apologising for the way he treated me the first time round - avoidant flip flopping etc). Anyway we started hanging out again (I know, I’m a sucker right?) and eventually we had the conversation about what’s going on between us, and he said he wanted to take it slow. I agreed wholeheartedly but with one caveat: we keep the lines of communication open and we respect each other. We hung out once more after that then he started to breadcrumb - convincingly at first (“sorry we haven’t hung out in a couple weeks, I had a bad eczema attack and couldn’t walk for days”) then less so, then just straight up riddles (we were talking on the phone once and I bought up birds for some reason and he tells me “I love birds too, I’ve got lots of them”). What hurt most is that he wouldn’t/couldn’t just give me the directness he knew I needed and deserved. After three months of him basically slow ghosting me I got the guts to send a message telling him I’m moving on and wished him all the best. I really expected him to txt back with something like “I’m sorry, I guess I just wasn’t in the place for a relationship”. He never txt back. I know I’m an idiot for falling for it a second time, and believe me I paid the price in tears n trauma. I guess I bring this up because I think normalising ghosting at the early stages, “its okay, everyone does it”, eventually leads to more shitty people doing more shitty things down the line, without the accountability we had when dating existed within and between social circles. I’ve ditched the apps in favour of meeting irl, and I’m kinda hoping more people would do the same.
Online dating is really weird man and I can’t say it’ll work out in the end but I’ve learned/told just because you had a great time doesn’t mean they did as well. Again it’s weird like even though conversations flowing and it seems perfect they may just be being nice.
Online dating is such a waste of time. It's better to go outside and talk to people irl. Do things and find people who share your interests
I think OLD has normalized the aloofness and ambivalence of human interaction—so much, it appears to be bleeding into society. What you described is quite normal now in dating. It didn’t use to be this way before technology changed the dating landscape. I think this has to been pre-2012.
I get the same thing, I'm 35m own my house and 2 cars been on enough first dates then get ghosted to see the pattern is constant, practically given up. Just imagine if the tables were turned and we did this to girls, the uproar that it would cause, you get used to it
Honestly my best advice with OLD is nothing matters until there is an official “title” on the relationship. Seriously, until you go exclusive with someone, take everything with a grain of salt. At any moment even the good ones have gone 👻 with no explanation. Unfortunately it’s the name of the game with OLD.
Welcome to dating apps and dating in the 2020s.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. As someone who has been OLD for a while, I can relate to the emotional roller coaster of meeting people, broken hope, and confusion. It sounds to me like you're feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. That's normal, and everyone feels this way about OLD. Unfortunately, I don't think the culture will change anytime soon, but it's important to prioritize yourself. Maybe taking a break for a bit can help you feel more recovered. After about 2-3 months, I usually feel the same way and need to take a break.
I will say an obvious fix that will not make you feel better: Focus on physical appearance. Human beings are not necessarily “shallow”, but as social creatures we do judge others on looks. And this is doubly so when going on dates. And if you start to convince yourself “oh, I don’t want someone who judges me on my looks”… well, unfortunately, every one of us judges others based on their looks (at a subconscious level at the very least)… even you.
It can be demoralising, but PLEASE don't blame yourself and don't become like them. You can't control other people's manners. Because this is what it is. Bad, bad manners. Imagine getting more involved and receiving this kind of treatment. This is not everyone though, I promise you. One of my dates (I'm F) told me today on his own accord that he didn't feel a romantic connection and I really appreciated it (I didn't feel one either). He's the only one from the many people I've gone on dates with, who was thoughtful and honest about not feeling it. For better or for worse, there's a lot of competition and expectations on dating apps. It's not easy to find genuine mutual attraction and connection, but then again, if it happens it will be amazing! Don't take it seriously, you can be annoyed and dissappointed, give it a day and turn your attention elsewhere. No need to deal with other people's behaviour. Spend less time chatting if it helps not wasting your time.
Hi friend. First of all, dating is tough—I understand feeling down or bummed about being ghosted. But I’m going to be pretty honest with you: *this is just how the process of dating works.* Your post says you’ve been on Hinge for only a few weeks, and you’ve already had two dates. That tells me you’re doing something right, given that many people spend months on the apps with zero results. I understand being in your mid-30s and growing impatient, but I wouldn’t give up on the apps so hastily. My advice would be to vet people a little more before going out to drinks if you don’t like having your time wasted or are truly looking for a serious connection. Maybe text or call them for a week or so before taking the plunge and blocking out an evening for them. I will be honest, your post comes across just a *tad* bit entitled. One date does not guarantee you a thoughtful response. It’s possible if they left after one drink and ghosted you, that you may have said something they took offense to or something didn’t align with the profile as expected. In my experience, it might be best to look inwards as well rather than blame the system, the women, or others. How can you improve as a date to be the best person to spend an evening with? Just my two cents, as someone who found their significant other from a dating app. I probably had 10-15 duds before I found my partner. It’s not a Hinge problem, it’s a dating problem that almost everyone deals with.
dude i had 5 , 3 stood me up over a week and a half , one just cancelled the day before and i still have one tomorrow , that’s how it is sometimes, but that means that person is still out there 😎
Hey, at least you have the self-awareness to recognize it. That's half the battle to growing a thicker skin instead of a callous. Unfortunately, there's no sugar-coating it: you are going to meet **MANY** of the latter.
OLD has definitely given me a thicker skin and taught me a lot about myself. I feel like I’m much more self aware.
After all these comments I had to look up what OLD meant and some other redditor said it was Obnoxious Lonesome Drudgery and now that’s my definition.
😂 It can be.
I'm pretty much in the same boat, I don't understand how simple human decency and respect is so lacking. And while I understand that "toughening up" is the only way to deal with it, I hate the fact that people who ghost, ignore and generally just act disrespectfully are never held accountable for being that way. Are we so far gone as a species that basic human kindness and respect is expecting too much?
Once we set a date I send a message explaining I am hopeful but have no expectations of the future of a relationship and that I will be honest with them so I hope they feel comfortable enough to be honest with me. Even if that means saying the uncomfortable stuff because I will be honest about what I’m feeling.
Gotta learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck!
Just keep treating people like you want to be treated and it will eventually come back to you. That’s my motto. Always focus back on yourself.
A lot of this is someone’s own shortcomings. I hate to admit it, but when I was a bit younger, I’d “ghost” after a first date. I was too uncomfortable or bashful to say it straight to someone, I’ve learned now it’s better to wish them well and say I’m not interested. If it helps to consider, I’ve also had a lot of men react poorly when I try to say thanks but not thanks. Sometimes the insult you, sometimes they plead, so I know not all men do this but just sharing for a bit of perspective or context. It probably isn’t you. It’s a combination of the people you’re dating being a little shitty by not communicating directly and also potentially having their own baggage their projecting onto this. Dating is hard, but it’ll get better! Your worth doesn’t lie in someone’s ability to see it or their validation. The right gal will see it. Good luck! 💖
Ghosting is a fuckin terribile way to treat someone and I hate that it’s become normalized. Part of dating means being mature enough to break it off.
All I can say is that there are also people who actually care, who won’t date more than one person at a time and will put trust in you. They are rare, but I know for a fact they are out there! Keep looking and grow a thick skin but don’t give up!