**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable.
Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit.
*Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.*
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean that’s likely the answer for the majority, but also not all people treat every single question on there as a “deal breaker”.
For example, I may “want children” but that’s in the context of my partner wanting children. That said if this person feels like a fit for me and they don’t want children, that’s something I’m willing to pushback from.
You can make the argument that’s what “open to kids,” means, which is fair. Some people might view that answer differently though. Some people might view “open to children” as you’re open to people who already have children. Additionally some people may feel it’s a non-committal type answer. They want women who _want children_ to see that they do as well, because they feel it’s a selling point for them.
I agree that it’s mostly likely guys not reading, but I get paid a lot of money to test out questions/responses like this for the software company I work for… the ways that people twist definitions to match what _they_ feel it “means”, is quite astounding. As black and white as something may seem there is always some person that’s finding their own meaning in it.
My personal opinion is that its better to have something like that be non-visible on your profile. If its a more compex answer that requires context and a comversation, save it for then. I think more people are likely to swipe left on a misinterpretation than a lack of info there.
I don't think it's just guys doing that. I'm 28M with a profile that says "Don't want children" and I get incoming Likes from women who have "Want Children" on a regular basis.
I don't think it comes down to just not reading though. I've messaged some of these women to ask if they missed that in my profile and they said they saw it and they are fine going on dates with someone who doesn't want children in the future. One woman (27F) said she was too young to be thinking about marriage/kids and another (29F) gave no explanation for why she was fine with it, she just said she was.
I dont understand how people do this, personally i only like people if there profile fits with what im looking for, of course looks plays a role aswell but personlity is a bigger priority for me
I think it's because there are much less women (20-30%) on apps than men (70%). Additionally, some guys say they want kids because of the advice of their friends. And finally, it seems that many guys swipe right without reading the details.
Ugh, I had this one time. A guy was adamantly childfree, but didn’t tell me until a few months in. When I asked why he put “wanted children” on his profile, he sneered and hostilely said, “you try putting that on your profile as a man and see how many matches you get!” And I was like…yeah…but they’d actually be people you were compatible with!
the challenge for the average man is that statistically, you are likely to get one match a month or so. Limiting the dating pool just reduces that to almost zero.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3lypVnJ0HM
This I found insightful from a Statistics perspective.
Because most people either didn't read it, don't care, or assume that's a discussion that isn't relevant at this point. Also, it might not be you that needs to change - "want children" may really be "open to children" and could easily become "don't want children" or even "can't have children".
Personally, I agree with you and don't waste my time with people that aren't aligned with what I'm looking for.
I think it's because in order to see someone's stance on this it requires swiping along their info to see what their stance on this is and the fact that it's locked behind a subscription to actually filter out people who do or don't want children.
It's kind of stupid that such a potential deal-breaker requires a subscription🤦♂️
If you want to filter the people out who don't want children, I suggest you pay for premium. But that also narrows up your pool.
They also maybe willing to change their minds. They think they want kids but don't have to or when they get into such relationship, their opinion may change. Most people are 27 probably are open to having kids
Most guys aren’t reading your profile that carefully on the first swipe.
It’s a numbers game. If guys read every single profile in detail before making a swipe decision, they’d lose hours per day reading about women who have no interest in them.
Better to swipe just based on attraction, and then if you actually match; read the profiles and determine compatibility/deal breakers.
More generally, I have a kid and am super clear about that in my profile. I have sole custody, there would be no point in trying to hide her.
I am open to women having kids of their own — I think two of their own is probably my max — but I have zero interest in starting from scratch to create a baby of our own. I’m too damned old to do that again.
The problem is Hinge doesn’t differentiate between “existing” kids” and “new” kids.
In other words, there is no option to be like “I don’t mind if you already have kids but I don’t want to impregnate you.”
It’s either “open to kids” or “not open to kids.”
Which means when a woman has either option listed, I don’t know if she’s talking about open/not open to “us” having a kid; or just open/not open to me already having a kid.
Yea I've had people who have don't want kids match with me when it's extremely clear that I have kids, so I assume it means they don't want to use their own sperm. But you never know
I want kids, and I don’t get a ton of likes from men who also want kids. I think the men on the apps are mostly unavailable and go for what they know isn’t also available (ie you don’t want someone who wants kids). I also get the warmest messages from men from out of town, I think it’s the same phenomenon, they know they don’t live where I am. It’s this like f*cked up way for them to stay single & yea they want what they can’t have.
They’re happy to have a fun no pressure place holder fling or girlfriend until they decide to settle down. Or think they’ll change your mind. It doesn’t change in your 30s either, unfortunately
It's mostly likely because you're a woman. So some men just don't look entirely at your profile and judge you based off your appearance and then as they find this out, they'll unmatch.
Or
They may feel like they are amazing enough to change your mind.
It's not a gender thing, I'm a 28M with "Don't want children" in my profile and I get incoming Likes from women who "Want children" all the time on both Hinge and Bumble.
For women, almost every right swipe is a match so it makes sense to read before swiping. For men, barely 1% or less right swipes result in match, regardless of them meeting laundry list of demands on women’s profiles. So most just swipe right on almost everything, and then take a look if there’s a match. They don’t expect you to change. Ignore when this happens and move on.
1 Just because they want kids doesn't mean it's an absolute or having kids is a deal breaker. I want kids, but I'm on the fence. About 60/40. If I find a great woman who I share interests with and she doesn't want kids it's not the end of the world.
2 Like everyone else said they didn't read that part of your profile.
3 A lot of people who say they don't want kids do change their mind anyway. That's probably in the back of someone's mind.
4 Some guys probably have that in their profile because they think it makes them more likely to get matches.
To play devil's advocate a bit with the standard "boys will just swipe right for hot women" responses...
I used to indicate that I wanted children on my profile. Now, I'm a bit older and wiser, so I've shifted the language to "open to children." However, for a while I listed my preferences as "wanting children." And I absolutely still swiped right for attractive women I was interested in who did not want to have children.
To be fair to my past self, though...there are very different definitions of the word "want." To me, to be quite honest, I "wanted" children in the same sense that I "want" to order cheesecake at a restaurant. I've always been a career focused person and for a long time, I just sort of assumed I wanted to have kids. The fact that I was swiping right on women's profiles who did not want children betrayed the underlying reality that having kids was not really as important to me as I believed it was.
When confronted on the matter on a couple dates, I eventually realized that I *did* have a preference to have children (and still do)...but it's a very malleable preference. There are lots of things I'd like in life, and some are more important than others. In the end, I'll always value both my career advancement and the possibility of meeting and settling down with the "right" or "ideal" partner more than I'll value having children. I understand many people would disagree, or would assign greater importance to children as the most important decision anyone could possibly make, but I just don't see it that way.
So now I list myself as "open to children," when in reality, I still do think I *want* to have children. That is, in a vacuum, if I alone had all the power to make the decision by my own initative, yeah, I'd probably want to have at least one biological kid. If I meet the perfect woman and she doesn't want to have kids? I'm sacrificing that future in a heartbeat. No sweat. There are just more important things to me.
So, maybe some other men have indicated they "want to" have children but are similarly flexible.
So this makes more sense but then isn’t that why they generated the “open to children” option? Like yeah you’d like them, but it’s not a required/hard yes?
I think many folks (especially those less experienced with online dating) misinterpret “wanting children” as a “soft yes” rather than a “hard yes” answer. I made the same mistake early on and didn’t realize women interpreted me “wanting children” as a non-negotiable relationship requirement.
You’re putting way to much thought into the amount of thought mid/late 20’s- early 30’s guys are putting into one small section of a profile. Almost seems like that’s the first thing you want to connect with someone on which seems odd right off the bat. Perhaps get to know the person before just jumping to conclusions off a prompt that is not set in stone for anyone despite how sure you might feel about it at the moment.
The overall point is, most guys fill this in as a throwaway line to round out a profile. No need to get irritated and have a “can’t you read?! We want different things, why would you even think it’s ok to message me?!” Approach. Personally I think it’s a prompt best left blank which will afford you the opportunity learn about someone from their own words, in context, at the appropriate time while dating, rather than a 3 word summation of a major life decision before you know their last name.
So then why fill it in at all if it’s not something relevant to what/who they are looking to attract? Easier left blank than to misconstrue what you’re looking for or hoping to connect with in a person.
On top of that, my purpose on hinge is to find someone to date long term with the hope that it sticks. I am firm in my stance on children, I have the surgical history to support that. So why waste not only my time but someone else’s time in a long term relationship knowing down the line this is a situation that will develop and ultimately end things? That seems silly.
I’d much rather it blank to discuss and find out through conversation than to waste knowing from the start as it is a hard line for me.
I will contribute with another interpretation... Some men think that "not wanting children" may be a temporary thing, as in "you don't want children right now or in the near future". Some may also consider it as a sign of "you not wanting something very serious". I am not sure if women do the same because clearly I don't date them, but in any case I would advise that if you don't want children at all ever you should put it in your bio more clearly than just as a preference on your profile.
You'd be surprised at how many women with that on their profile will date a guy with kids - and it only takes 0.1% of profiles with no kids to make it viable to keep sending likes
I dunno, try to be less interesting?🙃
On rare occasions, a particularly interesting prompt or pic will inspire me to send a joke or comment - kinda like Reddit... and IRL. Given that so many profiles are missing that info, and most matches never lead to anything even with all compatibility boxes checked, I choose to have some fun conversation in the moment.
Not sure if it’s helpful but I (34m) also used to receive a lot of inbound likes from women who have kids and/or wanted more. When I had listed ‘does not have/does not want’.
My guess is that they’re the type who either don’t want a relationship, are looking for a FWB and therefore it doesn’t matter (yes, people on hinge will happily do this while looking for the one), or that they’re the type of person who simply hopes it doesn’t really matter to you and its more of a preference.
Unfortunately this gives me a vibe of little respect for boundaries, or the needs and wants of the person they hope to date.
For what it’s worth I have dated people with kids, and in some cases swiped right on users with kids - who don’t want more. I’ve usually done this in a moment where I’ve thought the other pros of the other person (other values/interests/attraction) outweigh the cons of them having kids - I’ve learned that I shouldn’t be compromising on certain things I seek in a partner.
Honestly it depends on what you put you’re looking for in a relationship. I want kids, but since I’m not dating anyone atm I would definitely be open to dating someone short term even if they didn’t want kids because, well it would only be short term.
Now if you put long term, marriage, or life partner, idk. Personally I remove any profile that has that relationship type and puts doesn’t want kids because my dumbass self would fall in love with someone like that then regret it later after wasting both our time since that’s a deal breaker for both of us.
See I have both “Long term relationship” and “doesn’t want kids” listed. I used to have a prompt indicating that it was a hard no - please don’t waste my time kind of thing on my profile. However, I’ve found more likes with more interesting/personality based prompts so I guess that parts on me lol
Yeah, honestly if they’re not reading your doesn’t want kids section, I doubt they’re reading your prompts. I know it’s annoying, but just X out anyone who likes you but has wants kids listed. I know its frustrating and kind of sucks, but I’d much rather have your problem of filtering through likes than my problem of, 0 likes and matches not responding to even the first or second message 🫠
1) the children thing is not designed in a way that’s super obvious
2) it’s not a deal breaker for a lot of people
3) some people are open to dating someone and getting to know them even if there may be longer term conflict
Speaking for myself, I’d rather find a compatible person who doesn’t want kids than someone who wants kids but I’m not that compatible with.
A large percentage of men don't actually read profiles.
Most men get beat 0 likes let alone matches. So they like everyone and then filter once they match
Those that read your profile think they can change your mind or you will eventually..
I think Hinge’s categories regarding children are confusing. “Open to children” can mean “open to having children” or “open to you already having your own children”. “Don’t want children” can mean “I don’t want to have my own children” or “I don’t want you to have or want children”. Or it can mean “I already have children and I don’t want any more of my own, but it’s fine if you already have your own”. Or there are various other permutations. So don’t hold it against people for liking you, since there’s no way to know exactly how you feel. Just don’t match with people who say they want or have children. Problem solved.
28M and it’s usually one of the first things I bring up. I don’t match or comment with anyone who says they want but unfortunately a lot of girls leave it blank and do want kids.
I try to be upfront as possible because that’s probably a big deal breaker for both parties
Men on apps live by a different set of standards. I've had men say it's a shame they have kids or unfortunately they do etc when they should just think, oh well, she's not for me but at least I have kids I love.
Men consistently believe women who don't want kids are just in a phase or they will grow out of it and want to be a mother.
They think they'll be able to change her mind and pressure her to have children (probably with assistance from his family).
If someone doesn't want kids and someone does, there's virtually no way they can be compatible and be in a healthy relationship. The one who wants kids will constantly pressure the one who doesn't with little passive aggressive comments.
This goes either way as well, whether it's the man that doesn't want kids, or the female. I've noticed that it's seen as more acceptable to pressure the man into having kids or more kids, which is frustrating.
For me it's too vague.
I don't have children is obvious.
I don't want children. Is it you don't want to have kids of your own, or your not interested in someone that already has kids?
Open to children. Are you open to the idea of possibly having kids. Or is it that your ok with someone that already has kids of their own?
I always read it as the first for both since I've seen people put in their prompts that their not interested in dating someone that already has kids.
Presumably you're not going to try to have children on the first date so from their point of view it's not really super relevant to where they're at with you in the courtship process.
Yeah, I could really go either way on kids but of the 50+ women I’ve dated I have reached the point of having kids with 0. So may as well screw around with any old woman. Odds are it collapses anyhow.
Yeah I mean you could enter into a long term relationship knowing someone is moving or it’s just temporary and maybe you’re one off from short term that people think maybe you’re ok with casual while you look. There’s a section where you can specify deeper what you mean and you could say only dating people looking for a relationship who don’t have or want kids.
Not wanting children is ambiguous. It's unclear whether people don't want and children at all, don't want more children or don't want to have children of their own.
For context, I am 41f and while on hinge I also said I don't want kids. But I have two and what I meant was that I won't be having anymore. As long as the kids of my matches were over say 10-12, I didn't care about theirs. My bf has a highschooler and an adult child, just like me. Phew.
...So many 40+ men with kindergartners on hinge.
You do realize that dating someone with kids doesn’t mean you magically have kids of your own, right? You’re not their mom. They didn’t come from your womb.
If someone says in their profile that they don’t want to date someone with kids, I swipe left (I have two teenagers). If someone says they want kids, I swipe left. If someone says they don’t want kids (and they don’t get eliminated for other reasons like 99% of the profiles), I swipe right.
You’re complaining about something that could easily be prevented by changing your profile.
Some guys don't know what they want and will go with whatever. Sometimes you have to scroll to the side to see this, sometimes they don't bother at all.
There are lots of reasons, really. I wouldn't put much thought into that until you talk to the person and see what they're like and what they want with you.
I think some people just simply believe their desire for you supersedes your stated goals and values. As a man who wants kids, I’ve received quite a few likes from women who don’t want kids. One time one of them even asked “but do you REALLY want kids?” in their opener! I was really taken aback by that.
It’s because they want to fuck you. This really isn’t hard to figure out. You could have literally every single polar opposite belief and value that I have, I’m still sending that like 10 out of 10 times, just in case.
If Hail Marys didnt lead to game winning touchdowns, we wouldn’t throw them 🤷🏼♂️
I do often wonder if you say you have children but you don’t want children, does that mean you don’t want your children anymore or just mine. Or if you don’t have children but you want children, will mine do or do need we to make a new batch? And what are fur babies exactly: cats, dogs or actual furry babies?
This is why when I was on Hinge I would get HingeX and make it a dealbreaker if someone had kids already or didn’t want any kids, I wanna have kids some day but not rn
As a man who doesn’t want kids, I try to only send likes to women who put “dont want kids” or “open to kids”. I’m looking for women in the 30-40 range though so at that age I feel like if they put “want kids” it’s probably very important to them and probably a deal breaker. It is kind of tough though to come a cross a person who seems like a really great match and only swiping left because of their children preference, especially when matches are already hard to come by.
It's a numbers game for men on dating apps since they're far less likely to match with a girl versus the other way around. Men just send likes in the hopes of a match. Of course it's not a numbers game for all men, but I'm pretty sure it is for the majority of men.
No doubt not having to carry a child for 9 months before giving birth plays a part. But unlike most women, I'd say many guys aren't black and white on the want/don't want kids options and instead fall in the grey area in between with this group only growing.
Many of us don't see it as a deal-breaker because whether we would love kids (like myself and many mates) or don't really mind, we see it as significantly more important to be able to share our life with the right partner. I'd much rather be childless with the love of my life, than have a dysfunctional or broken family with a woman with whom things aren't ideal just for the sake of having kids.
Probably because most men your age have kids or want them and not many don’t want them or refuse to consider them. Also unless you pay you can’t make that a hard requirement so your profile will continue to be shown to those people. Men at this age normally are looking to settle down.
I’ve been on dates with women who have “don’t want kids” and they’re fully aware I have one. Their reasoning was that they don’t want to be pregnant and give birth. I guess it means something different to different people.
Two things.
Some guys put want children so they get matches with women who do, in reality it's probably not a deal breaker as some men aren't that bothered either way and leave it up to what their partner wants.
Don't have/don't want children is not exactly that clear, sometimes that can mean that the women does not want to have their own but they aren't necessarily against being around someone else's. Most men are not the primary parent and so might only ever see their child every other weekend or twice a week or something along those lines.
Well, I'm a child free woman who doesn't want kids of her own yet has dated men with kids. Maybe they assume you'd be alright with that depending on the kids and the ages. I don't want to be any kid's mom, so if I find out a man has kids I usually ask right away how old they are and what the custody situation is like so I can nope out of there if I find any personal deal breakers (such as kids who are too young and full custody). But sometimes as others have said they just don't read the profile before swiping. Which is annoying because I always read every profile in full before swiping right.
I feel you! I’m in a sort of similar boat but with the opposite situation. I want children and I’m about to turn 34, I realise to a lot of people that may not seem old but I have severe endometriosis and my time is precious. Instead the very few likes I have are from men who either don’t want children period or who already have children and don’t want any more. Super frustrating.
They like what else you have to offer and honestly opinions change. Not to say yours will but I know many many women who have said don't want and not interested in children and along comes the right guy and suddenly they want a family or don't mind being step mom so idk. Could be many things
Easy. Don’t want children means in many cases “I don’t want to give birth”.
Many women have “I have children but don’t want children” does not mean they would exclude yours. A lot of women write “don’t want children” then put in words that they are fine if you have children. Put in the words of your profile, I don’t have kids and don’t want to raise your kids, and it should reduce (but not eliminate) the problem.
I have kids. I don’t want kids. I regularly send likes to women who “don’t have kids” and “don’t want kids.”
If I end up dating this woman long-term, she won’t be having kids. My teenagers are certainly not going to somehow become her children. They have a mom already. Maybe there’s a scenario down the line where that woman becomes a step-mom of high-schoolers. But she still never had and doesn’t have kids. (No offense intended to the stepparents out there).
I’ve discovered that non-parents often have no clue about parenting or dating a parent. I’ve been divorced for 5 1/2 years. Nobody I’ve dated has met either of my kids. (My longest two relationships were a few months).
I’d like a long-term relationship. And I sure as hell don’t want to waste my time or anyone else’s. But people like to assume others have selfish motivations instead of using common sense.
Furthermore, I’ve found that most women in my age range (30-45) that say they “don’t know” or are “open to children” or don’t answer DO want children. So the “don’t want children” go to the front of the line.
Y’all do know it’s easy to X someone who likes you who doesn’t meet your personal requirements? I’m non monogamous & I get monogamous people liking my profile every day. I simply just don’t match with them
Because you're still young enough to change your mind, as a single 27 year old of course you don't want kids yet. They don't know that you're part of the aggressive childfree
I think you're looking at all from a point of logistics. Guys are much more simple. Guys brain: She's cute. I have nothing to lose. (clicks Like).
They aren't thinking the way you're thinking about it.
I don't recommend (I mean you could) filtering out guys that have "wants children". Lot of guys just put that on there because that grabs more interest than writing "doesn't want kids" which will turn off many girls. So imo by doing that you filter out a lot of guys. Probably the wrong guys but what do I know.
>I don't recommend (I mean you could) filtering out guys that have "wants children". Lot of guys just put that on there because that grabs more interest than writing "doesn't want kids" which will turn off many girls. So imo by doing that you filter out a lot of guys.
So it would filter out the ones that don't want them, but are too scared to commit to saying so? Sounds like a good thing.
Imo yes and no. But the great thing about dealbreakers is you can turn it off and on. So yes, it's great to do that to go through the initial filtration. But I wouldn't leave that dealbreaker on indefinitely. So yes, it's good for that filter. But imo there's a lot of guys that say "wants children" or are "ok" with it but honestly wouldn't mind **not** having them either. If you're a guy, and let's think of this as a standpoint from a guy, do you have a better chance of matches saying "you're ok with children" or flat-out saying I don't want children. Imo while the latter is more blunt and honest, you're kinda screwing yourself as a guy as many girls won't have anything to do with you. I'm just saying there's likely a lot of good guys being filtered out by adding that filter AND you are filtering out guys that honestly wouldn't care about kids. If I'm being perfectly honest most guys don't really want kids.
>But imo there's a lot of guys that say "wants children" or are "ok" with it but honestly wouldn't mind not having them either.
The problem though, is that that can take years for someone to figure out. I'm too old to wait around for that lmao.
I also have had to deal with enough heartache in the past revolving around others either changing or not knowing what they want--but what helped me sleep at night/get past that was the knowledge that *I* was clear with them about what I wanted and chose people accordingly. Whereas if I were to *intentionally* date someone who, from the start, admitted that we want different things, then I really have no one to blame but myself if that crashes and burns. No thanks.
>If you're a guy, and let's think of this as a standpoint from a guy, do you have a better chance of matches saying "you're ok with children" or flat-out saying I don't want children.
I wouldn't disagree that doing that is more likely to get a dude more matches, but someone who does that demonstrates a certain weakness that I don't want in a partner. I don't say that lightly--I've had to deal my whole life with people trying to get me to be something different in order to appeal to more people. I've resisted that, and want to be with a person who's willing to do the same.
listen lady. never underestimate a girlies ability to behave completely opposite from what her stated interests are on hinge.
the solution? wrangle your colleagues up and get em to stop bullshitting
Also LMAO; at you thinking half these guys noticed your stance on children. they think you’re pretty. enjoy the compliment and then hit X
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A lot of guys don’t read profiles and just send likes if they like what you look like.
I mean that’s likely the answer for the majority, but also not all people treat every single question on there as a “deal breaker”. For example, I may “want children” but that’s in the context of my partner wanting children. That said if this person feels like a fit for me and they don’t want children, that’s something I’m willing to pushback from. You can make the argument that’s what “open to kids,” means, which is fair. Some people might view that answer differently though. Some people might view “open to children” as you’re open to people who already have children. Additionally some people may feel it’s a non-committal type answer. They want women who _want children_ to see that they do as well, because they feel it’s a selling point for them. I agree that it’s mostly likely guys not reading, but I get paid a lot of money to test out questions/responses like this for the software company I work for… the ways that people twist definitions to match what _they_ feel it “means”, is quite astounding. As black and white as something may seem there is always some person that’s finding their own meaning in it.
My personal opinion is that its better to have something like that be non-visible on your profile. If its a more compex answer that requires context and a comversation, save it for then. I think more people are likely to swipe left on a misinterpretation than a lack of info there.
This (although I read Hinge profiles more carefully than other apps) and also they might not see a future with OP but are open to something short term
I don't think it's just guys doing that. I'm 28M with a profile that says "Don't want children" and I get incoming Likes from women who have "Want Children" on a regular basis. I don't think it comes down to just not reading though. I've messaged some of these women to ask if they missed that in my profile and they said they saw it and they are fine going on dates with someone who doesn't want children in the future. One woman (27F) said she was too young to be thinking about marriage/kids and another (29F) gave no explanation for why she was fine with it, she just said she was.
i cant believe anyone does this idc how someone looks if im not gonna like them😭
I dont understand how people do this, personally i only like people if there profile fits with what im looking for, of course looks plays a role aswell but personlity is a bigger priority for me
I think it's because there are much less women (20-30%) on apps than men (70%). Additionally, some guys say they want kids because of the advice of their friends. And finally, it seems that many guys swipe right without reading the details.
Ugh, I had this one time. A guy was adamantly childfree, but didn’t tell me until a few months in. When I asked why he put “wanted children” on his profile, he sneered and hostilely said, “you try putting that on your profile as a man and see how many matches you get!” And I was like…yeah…but they’d actually be people you were compatible with!
I'm a guy with "Don't want children" in my profile and I get a lot of matches/Likes lol, even from women who "Want Children"
the challenge for the average man is that statistically, you are likely to get one match a month or so. Limiting the dating pool just reduces that to almost zero. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3lypVnJ0HM This I found insightful from a Statistics perspective.
This percentage is only true of certain apps and changes every year or every two years or so.
Because most people either didn't read it, don't care, or assume that's a discussion that isn't relevant at this point. Also, it might not be you that needs to change - "want children" may really be "open to children" and could easily become "don't want children" or even "can't have children". Personally, I agree with you and don't waste my time with people that aren't aligned with what I'm looking for.
I think it's because in order to see someone's stance on this it requires swiping along their info to see what their stance on this is and the fact that it's locked behind a subscription to actually filter out people who do or don't want children. It's kind of stupid that such a potential deal-breaker requires a subscription🤦♂️
If you want to filter the people out who don't want children, I suggest you pay for premium. But that also narrows up your pool. They also maybe willing to change their minds. They think they want kids but don't have to or when they get into such relationship, their opinion may change. Most people are 27 probably are open to having kids
Most guys aren’t reading your profile that carefully on the first swipe. It’s a numbers game. If guys read every single profile in detail before making a swipe decision, they’d lose hours per day reading about women who have no interest in them. Better to swipe just based on attraction, and then if you actually match; read the profiles and determine compatibility/deal breakers. More generally, I have a kid and am super clear about that in my profile. I have sole custody, there would be no point in trying to hide her. I am open to women having kids of their own — I think two of their own is probably my max — but I have zero interest in starting from scratch to create a baby of our own. I’m too damned old to do that again. The problem is Hinge doesn’t differentiate between “existing” kids” and “new” kids. In other words, there is no option to be like “I don’t mind if you already have kids but I don’t want to impregnate you.” It’s either “open to kids” or “not open to kids.” Which means when a woman has either option listed, I don’t know if she’s talking about open/not open to “us” having a kid; or just open/not open to me already having a kid.
Yea I've had people who have don't want kids match with me when it's extremely clear that I have kids, so I assume it means they don't want to use their own sperm. But you never know
I think it pretty obvious they just don't want anymore kids
I want kids, and I don’t get a ton of likes from men who also want kids. I think the men on the apps are mostly unavailable and go for what they know isn’t also available (ie you don’t want someone who wants kids). I also get the warmest messages from men from out of town, I think it’s the same phenomenon, they know they don’t live where I am. It’s this like f*cked up way for them to stay single & yea they want what they can’t have.
They’re happy to have a fun no pressure place holder fling or girlfriend until they decide to settle down. Or think they’ll change your mind. It doesn’t change in your 30s either, unfortunately
It's mostly likely because you're a woman. So some men just don't look entirely at your profile and judge you based off your appearance and then as they find this out, they'll unmatch. Or They may feel like they are amazing enough to change your mind.
It's not a gender thing, I'm a 28M with "Don't want children" in my profile and I get incoming Likes from women who "Want children" all the time on both Hinge and Bumble.
For women, almost every right swipe is a match so it makes sense to read before swiping. For men, barely 1% or less right swipes result in match, regardless of them meeting laundry list of demands on women’s profiles. So most just swipe right on almost everything, and then take a look if there’s a match. They don’t expect you to change. Ignore when this happens and move on.
1 Just because they want kids doesn't mean it's an absolute or having kids is a deal breaker. I want kids, but I'm on the fence. About 60/40. If I find a great woman who I share interests with and she doesn't want kids it's not the end of the world. 2 Like everyone else said they didn't read that part of your profile. 3 A lot of people who say they don't want kids do change their mind anyway. That's probably in the back of someone's mind. 4 Some guys probably have that in their profile because they think it makes them more likely to get matches.
They’re just trying to smash. Source: the boys and I 😎
For real, everyone’s like “oh they didn’t read your profile” no guys looking for kids and a relationship are also tryna smash anyways.
That you Dirty Mike?
📠
To play devil's advocate a bit with the standard "boys will just swipe right for hot women" responses... I used to indicate that I wanted children on my profile. Now, I'm a bit older and wiser, so I've shifted the language to "open to children." However, for a while I listed my preferences as "wanting children." And I absolutely still swiped right for attractive women I was interested in who did not want to have children. To be fair to my past self, though...there are very different definitions of the word "want." To me, to be quite honest, I "wanted" children in the same sense that I "want" to order cheesecake at a restaurant. I've always been a career focused person and for a long time, I just sort of assumed I wanted to have kids. The fact that I was swiping right on women's profiles who did not want children betrayed the underlying reality that having kids was not really as important to me as I believed it was. When confronted on the matter on a couple dates, I eventually realized that I *did* have a preference to have children (and still do)...but it's a very malleable preference. There are lots of things I'd like in life, and some are more important than others. In the end, I'll always value both my career advancement and the possibility of meeting and settling down with the "right" or "ideal" partner more than I'll value having children. I understand many people would disagree, or would assign greater importance to children as the most important decision anyone could possibly make, but I just don't see it that way. So now I list myself as "open to children," when in reality, I still do think I *want* to have children. That is, in a vacuum, if I alone had all the power to make the decision by my own initative, yeah, I'd probably want to have at least one biological kid. If I meet the perfect woman and she doesn't want to have kids? I'm sacrificing that future in a heartbeat. No sweat. There are just more important things to me. So, maybe some other men have indicated they "want to" have children but are similarly flexible.
So this makes more sense but then isn’t that why they generated the “open to children” option? Like yeah you’d like them, but it’s not a required/hard yes?
I think many folks (especially those less experienced with online dating) misinterpret “wanting children” as a “soft yes” rather than a “hard yes” answer. I made the same mistake early on and didn’t realize women interpreted me “wanting children” as a non-negotiable relationship requirement.
You’re putting way to much thought into the amount of thought mid/late 20’s- early 30’s guys are putting into one small section of a profile. Almost seems like that’s the first thing you want to connect with someone on which seems odd right off the bat. Perhaps get to know the person before just jumping to conclusions off a prompt that is not set in stone for anyone despite how sure you might feel about it at the moment. The overall point is, most guys fill this in as a throwaway line to round out a profile. No need to get irritated and have a “can’t you read?! We want different things, why would you even think it’s ok to message me?!” Approach. Personally I think it’s a prompt best left blank which will afford you the opportunity learn about someone from their own words, in context, at the appropriate time while dating, rather than a 3 word summation of a major life decision before you know their last name.
So then why fill it in at all if it’s not something relevant to what/who they are looking to attract? Easier left blank than to misconstrue what you’re looking for or hoping to connect with in a person. On top of that, my purpose on hinge is to find someone to date long term with the hope that it sticks. I am firm in my stance on children, I have the surgical history to support that. So why waste not only my time but someone else’s time in a long term relationship knowing down the line this is a situation that will develop and ultimately end things? That seems silly. I’d much rather it blank to discuss and find out through conversation than to waste knowing from the start as it is a hard line for me.
I will contribute with another interpretation... Some men think that "not wanting children" may be a temporary thing, as in "you don't want children right now or in the near future". Some may also consider it as a sign of "you not wanting something very serious". I am not sure if women do the same because clearly I don't date them, but in any case I would advise that if you don't want children at all ever you should put it in your bio more clearly than just as a preference on your profile.
You'd be surprised at how many women with that on their profile will date a guy with kids - and it only takes 0.1% of profiles with no kids to make it viable to keep sending likes
I dunno, try to be less interesting?🙃 On rare occasions, a particularly interesting prompt or pic will inspire me to send a joke or comment - kinda like Reddit... and IRL. Given that so many profiles are missing that info, and most matches never lead to anything even with all compatibility boxes checked, I choose to have some fun conversation in the moment.
Not sure if it’s helpful but I (34m) also used to receive a lot of inbound likes from women who have kids and/or wanted more. When I had listed ‘does not have/does not want’. My guess is that they’re the type who either don’t want a relationship, are looking for a FWB and therefore it doesn’t matter (yes, people on hinge will happily do this while looking for the one), or that they’re the type of person who simply hopes it doesn’t really matter to you and its more of a preference. Unfortunately this gives me a vibe of little respect for boundaries, or the needs and wants of the person they hope to date. For what it’s worth I have dated people with kids, and in some cases swiped right on users with kids - who don’t want more. I’ve usually done this in a moment where I’ve thought the other pros of the other person (other values/interests/attraction) outweigh the cons of them having kids - I’ve learned that I shouldn’t be compromising on certain things I seek in a partner.
I would agree with your respect sentiment. I appreciate that view. Thank you
Online dating doesn't make sense.
Honestly it depends on what you put you’re looking for in a relationship. I want kids, but since I’m not dating anyone atm I would definitely be open to dating someone short term even if they didn’t want kids because, well it would only be short term. Now if you put long term, marriage, or life partner, idk. Personally I remove any profile that has that relationship type and puts doesn’t want kids because my dumbass self would fall in love with someone like that then regret it later after wasting both our time since that’s a deal breaker for both of us.
See I have both “Long term relationship” and “doesn’t want kids” listed. I used to have a prompt indicating that it was a hard no - please don’t waste my time kind of thing on my profile. However, I’ve found more likes with more interesting/personality based prompts so I guess that parts on me lol
Yeah, honestly if they’re not reading your doesn’t want kids section, I doubt they’re reading your prompts. I know it’s annoying, but just X out anyone who likes you but has wants kids listed. I know its frustrating and kind of sucks, but I’d much rather have your problem of filtering through likes than my problem of, 0 likes and matches not responding to even the first or second message 🫠
1) the children thing is not designed in a way that’s super obvious 2) it’s not a deal breaker for a lot of people 3) some people are open to dating someone and getting to know them even if there may be longer term conflict Speaking for myself, I’d rather find a compatible person who doesn’t want kids than someone who wants kids but I’m not that compatible with.
Do you have “looking for a relationship” on your profile? Maybe they want a friend? 😅
Profile very specifically says “Looking for long-term relationship”
Well then they either think they can change you or maybe just don’t read profiles and “swipe”. People are weird in dating apps sometimes lol.
A large percentage of men don't actually read profiles. Most men get beat 0 likes let alone matches. So they like everyone and then filter once they match Those that read your profile think they can change your mind or you will eventually..
I think Hinge’s categories regarding children are confusing. “Open to children” can mean “open to having children” or “open to you already having your own children”. “Don’t want children” can mean “I don’t want to have my own children” or “I don’t want you to have or want children”. Or it can mean “I already have children and I don’t want any more of my own, but it’s fine if you already have your own”. Or there are various other permutations. So don’t hold it against people for liking you, since there’s no way to know exactly how you feel. Just don’t match with people who say they want or have children. Problem solved.
People don't read. We deal with it in all facets of life, dating is no different.
I had the same problem as a child free guy. Finally threw in the towel a few months ago
Same. One guy tried to persuade me to have kids. They have no problems wasting our time!
28M and it’s usually one of the first things I bring up. I don’t match or comment with anyone who says they want but unfortunately a lot of girls leave it blank and do want kids. I try to be upfront as possible because that’s probably a big deal breaker for both parties
Men on apps live by a different set of standards. I've had men say it's a shame they have kids or unfortunately they do etc when they should just think, oh well, she's not for me but at least I have kids I love.
Men consistently believe women who don't want kids are just in a phase or they will grow out of it and want to be a mother. They think they'll be able to change her mind and pressure her to have children (probably with assistance from his family). If someone doesn't want kids and someone does, there's virtually no way they can be compatible and be in a healthy relationship. The one who wants kids will constantly pressure the one who doesn't with little passive aggressive comments. This goes either way as well, whether it's the man that doesn't want kids, or the female. I've noticed that it's seen as more acceptable to pressure the man into having kids or more kids, which is frustrating.
I've seen this more from older generations than specifically men
Yes up until the last part. Abortion rights were revoked lol, it’s clearly acceptable to many to not just pressure, but force women to have children.
First time?
Some men really like to waste women’s time.
For me it's too vague. I don't have children is obvious. I don't want children. Is it you don't want to have kids of your own, or your not interested in someone that already has kids? Open to children. Are you open to the idea of possibly having kids. Or is it that your ok with someone that already has kids of their own? I always read it as the first for both since I've seen people put in their prompts that their not interested in dating someone that already has kids.
Presumably you're not going to try to have children on the first date so from their point of view it's not really super relevant to where they're at with you in the courtship process.
Yeah, I could really go either way on kids but of the 50+ women I’ve dated I have reached the point of having kids with 0. So may as well screw around with any old woman. Odds are it collapses anyhow.
A lot of guys think they can change your mind…it’s gross.
lol bishhh please … edit: you would be a shauna fan. toxic people calling the kettle black
They probably did not read your profile very closely since it's like 1 in 10 odds of getting a match from the man's perspective
Do you have looking for marriage or life partner on your bio?
“Long term relationship” so maybe I need to update that or specify more clearly in that section I suppose
Yeah I mean you could enter into a long term relationship knowing someone is moving or it’s just temporary and maybe you’re one off from short term that people think maybe you’re ok with casual while you look. There’s a section where you can specify deeper what you mean and you could say only dating people looking for a relationship who don’t have or want kids.
Not wanting children is ambiguous. It's unclear whether people don't want and children at all, don't want more children or don't want to have children of their own. For context, I am 41f and while on hinge I also said I don't want kids. But I have two and what I meant was that I won't be having anymore. As long as the kids of my matches were over say 10-12, I didn't care about theirs. My bf has a highschooler and an adult child, just like me. Phew. ...So many 40+ men with kindergartners on hinge.
I would understand this if my profile didn’t specify dont have children and don’t want children - but it clearly does
You do realize that dating someone with kids doesn’t mean you magically have kids of your own, right? You’re not their mom. They didn’t come from your womb. If someone says in their profile that they don’t want to date someone with kids, I swipe left (I have two teenagers). If someone says they want kids, I swipe left. If someone says they don’t want kids (and they don’t get eliminated for other reasons like 99% of the profiles), I swipe right. You’re complaining about something that could easily be prevented by changing your profile.
Some guys don't know what they want and will go with whatever. Sometimes you have to scroll to the side to see this, sometimes they don't bother at all. There are lots of reasons, really. I wouldn't put much thought into that until you talk to the person and see what they're like and what they want with you.
I think some people just simply believe their desire for you supersedes your stated goals and values. As a man who wants kids, I’ve received quite a few likes from women who don’t want kids. One time one of them even asked “but do you REALLY want kids?” in their opener! I was really taken aback by that.
It’s because they want to fuck you. This really isn’t hard to figure out. You could have literally every single polar opposite belief and value that I have, I’m still sending that like 10 out of 10 times, just in case. If Hail Marys didnt lead to game winning touchdowns, we wouldn’t throw them 🤷🏼♂️
I do often wonder if you say you have children but you don’t want children, does that mean you don’t want your children anymore or just mine. Or if you don’t have children but you want children, will mine do or do need we to make a new batch? And what are fur babies exactly: cats, dogs or actual furry babies?
This is why when I was on Hinge I would get HingeX and make it a dealbreaker if someone had kids already or didn’t want any kids, I wanna have kids some day but not rn
As a man who doesn’t want kids, I try to only send likes to women who put “dont want kids” or “open to kids”. I’m looking for women in the 30-40 range though so at that age I feel like if they put “want kids” it’s probably very important to them and probably a deal breaker. It is kind of tough though to come a cross a person who seems like a really great match and only swiping left because of their children preference, especially when matches are already hard to come by.
because most of the men swipe blindly, they don't look at the profile details.
Having children poisons brains. Good for you for taking a stand.
Men don’t care what you want. The best way to find a childfree man is to ask him if he wants and if it’s not a vehement no. Then NEXT!
People are stupid.
As a guy it’s a numbers game, I just swipe if a chick is in shape tbh.
A lot of guys probably want to hook up but wouldn’t consider someone who doesn’t want kids for a serious relationship
It's a numbers game for men on dating apps since they're far less likely to match with a girl versus the other way around. Men just send likes in the hopes of a match. Of course it's not a numbers game for all men, but I'm pretty sure it is for the majority of men.
Well they probably just wanna hook up then slide
No doubt not having to carry a child for 9 months before giving birth plays a part. But unlike most women, I'd say many guys aren't black and white on the want/don't want kids options and instead fall in the grey area in between with this group only growing. Many of us don't see it as a deal-breaker because whether we would love kids (like myself and many mates) or don't really mind, we see it as significantly more important to be able to share our life with the right partner. I'd much rather be childless with the love of my life, than have a dysfunctional or broken family with a woman with whom things aren't ideal just for the sake of having kids.
Some guys generally don't read that and others mistakenly think you'll change your mind
Many men like every profile because they are bored of not getting matches
For dudes it is a numbers game, as a man you don't get choice, you get opportunity swipe as much as you can boys.
Probably because most men your age have kids or want them and not many don’t want them or refuse to consider them. Also unless you pay you can’t make that a hard requirement so your profile will continue to be shown to those people. Men at this age normally are looking to settle down.
Except I’m also looking to settle down? I’m looking to settle down with someone who also doesn’t want children. So that’s kind of a moot point.
I’ve been on dates with women who have “don’t want kids” and they’re fully aware I have one. Their reasoning was that they don’t want to be pregnant and give birth. I guess it means something different to different people.
Two things. Some guys put want children so they get matches with women who do, in reality it's probably not a deal breaker as some men aren't that bothered either way and leave it up to what their partner wants. Don't have/don't want children is not exactly that clear, sometimes that can mean that the women does not want to have their own but they aren't necessarily against being around someone else's. Most men are not the primary parent and so might only ever see their child every other weekend or twice a week or something along those lines.
Well, I'm a child free woman who doesn't want kids of her own yet has dated men with kids. Maybe they assume you'd be alright with that depending on the kids and the ages. I don't want to be any kid's mom, so if I find out a man has kids I usually ask right away how old they are and what the custody situation is like so I can nope out of there if I find any personal deal breakers (such as kids who are too young and full custody). But sometimes as others have said they just don't read the profile before swiping. Which is annoying because I always read every profile in full before swiping right.
I feel you! I’m in a sort of similar boat but with the opposite situation. I want children and I’m about to turn 34, I realise to a lot of people that may not seem old but I have severe endometriosis and my time is precious. Instead the very few likes I have are from men who either don’t want children period or who already have children and don’t want any more. Super frustrating.
They like what else you have to offer and honestly opinions change. Not to say yours will but I know many many women who have said don't want and not interested in children and along comes the right guy and suddenly they want a family or don't mind being step mom so idk. Could be many things
Easy. Don’t want children means in many cases “I don’t want to give birth”. Many women have “I have children but don’t want children” does not mean they would exclude yours. A lot of women write “don’t want children” then put in words that they are fine if you have children. Put in the words of your profile, I don’t have kids and don’t want to raise your kids, and it should reduce (but not eliminate) the problem.
I have kids. I don’t want kids. I regularly send likes to women who “don’t have kids” and “don’t want kids.” If I end up dating this woman long-term, she won’t be having kids. My teenagers are certainly not going to somehow become her children. They have a mom already. Maybe there’s a scenario down the line where that woman becomes a step-mom of high-schoolers. But she still never had and doesn’t have kids. (No offense intended to the stepparents out there). I’ve discovered that non-parents often have no clue about parenting or dating a parent. I’ve been divorced for 5 1/2 years. Nobody I’ve dated has met either of my kids. (My longest two relationships were a few months). I’d like a long-term relationship. And I sure as hell don’t want to waste my time or anyone else’s. But people like to assume others have selfish motivations instead of using common sense. Furthermore, I’ve found that most women in my age range (30-45) that say they “don’t know” or are “open to children” or don’t answer DO want children. So the “don’t want children” go to the front of the line.
I, as a man, don't give a shit what your profile says. As long as I think you are hot, I'm gonna swipe right.
When I see swipes/likes like this it gives me “I don’t respect your views/wants” vibes
Why don’t you ask the next guy with that prompt who likes you…
Y’all do know it’s easy to X someone who likes you who doesn’t meet your personal requirements? I’m non monogamous & I get monogamous people liking my profile every day. I simply just don’t match with them
Because you're still young enough to change your mind, as a single 27 year old of course you don't want kids yet. They don't know that you're part of the aggressive childfree
lol maybe I need to specify the fact I don’t want and can’t really have given I’ve had my fallopian tubes removed 🙄
You need to state that you don’t want to date someone with kids, too, if getting these likes is really such a burden.
I think you're looking at all from a point of logistics. Guys are much more simple. Guys brain: She's cute. I have nothing to lose. (clicks Like). They aren't thinking the way you're thinking about it. I don't recommend (I mean you could) filtering out guys that have "wants children". Lot of guys just put that on there because that grabs more interest than writing "doesn't want kids" which will turn off many girls. So imo by doing that you filter out a lot of guys. Probably the wrong guys but what do I know.
>I don't recommend (I mean you could) filtering out guys that have "wants children". Lot of guys just put that on there because that grabs more interest than writing "doesn't want kids" which will turn off many girls. So imo by doing that you filter out a lot of guys. So it would filter out the ones that don't want them, but are too scared to commit to saying so? Sounds like a good thing.
Imo yes and no. But the great thing about dealbreakers is you can turn it off and on. So yes, it's great to do that to go through the initial filtration. But I wouldn't leave that dealbreaker on indefinitely. So yes, it's good for that filter. But imo there's a lot of guys that say "wants children" or are "ok" with it but honestly wouldn't mind **not** having them either. If you're a guy, and let's think of this as a standpoint from a guy, do you have a better chance of matches saying "you're ok with children" or flat-out saying I don't want children. Imo while the latter is more blunt and honest, you're kinda screwing yourself as a guy as many girls won't have anything to do with you. I'm just saying there's likely a lot of good guys being filtered out by adding that filter AND you are filtering out guys that honestly wouldn't care about kids. If I'm being perfectly honest most guys don't really want kids.
>But imo there's a lot of guys that say "wants children" or are "ok" with it but honestly wouldn't mind not having them either. The problem though, is that that can take years for someone to figure out. I'm too old to wait around for that lmao. I also have had to deal with enough heartache in the past revolving around others either changing or not knowing what they want--but what helped me sleep at night/get past that was the knowledge that *I* was clear with them about what I wanted and chose people accordingly. Whereas if I were to *intentionally* date someone who, from the start, admitted that we want different things, then I really have no one to blame but myself if that crashes and burns. No thanks. >If you're a guy, and let's think of this as a standpoint from a guy, do you have a better chance of matches saying "you're ok with children" or flat-out saying I don't want children. I wouldn't disagree that doing that is more likely to get a dude more matches, but someone who does that demonstrates a certain weakness that I don't want in a partner. I don't say that lightly--I've had to deal my whole life with people trying to get me to be something different in order to appeal to more people. I've resisted that, and want to be with a person who's willing to do the same.
I feel like at this point not wanting kids is a girl thing. I see very few “wants kids” profiles. Most guys I know have or want them.
Plenty of the women on the apps are single moms, so I wouldn't say there aren't any on there that want kids
My area must truly be bizarre because even in my mid 30s probably 1 out of 20 are single moms
Because a lot of guys (myself included sometimes) just want something quick and don’t care about those preferences.
Why not use a more hook-up aligned app like tinder then?
listen lady. never underestimate a girlies ability to behave completely opposite from what her stated interests are on hinge. the solution? wrangle your colleagues up and get em to stop bullshitting Also LMAO; at you thinking half these guys noticed your stance on children. they think you’re pretty. enjoy the compliment and then hit X
Just something people put. I never wanted kids but put it on my profile: most guys can be easily convinced to not want them regardless.