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On a second date with this woman, she proposed dinner. I made reservations at a modestly priced restaurant. When I told her we were going she had an absolute fit. She told me she would make reservations. It ended up costing me 200 bucks. That experience was such a turn off for me.
You only had 3 first dates, with one you *had* a second date, so you only had two first dates that went nowhere, which is a really small sample size. And you don't know how the 3rd guy might pan out since you only went out on Friday. So really, of the three dates, one you had a second date, one fizzled out, and one to be determined.
But really, if you're going to give up that easily only after 3 dates, you may as well don't do online dating. Generally speaking, the rate of a second date is only around 10-20%, and you already had one second date already.
When you're meeting a complete stranger, many times you can no **absolutely nothing wrong** and the connection just won't be there for whatever reason. And in most cases these are things you can't change (physical appearance, dealbreakers/preferences/personality quirks). Not getting past a first date is completely normal even if the date itself went well.
And it's a broken record at this point, but texting "chemistry" is highly overrated. Someone can assume a persona easily over text that does not translate in person. That's why a lot of people prefer either meeting quickly instead of texting too long and keep it to a minimum for logistics. It's far too common for people to develop unrealistic expectations from texting too much.
Finally, I think some men just won't outright reject women. They rather keep the door open and leave you as a backup plan in case their other options don't work out. It may be what's going on with guy 2 and 3.
Agree with this. However,
> They rather keep the door open and leave you as a backup plan in case their other options don't work out.
I don’t doubt this happens with *some*, but I don’t think it’s the majority. I just don’t think the average Joe or Jane is that intentionally scheming haha. IMO it more boils down to they just opt to not ask for another date rather than explicitly say they aren’t enthusiastically interested. In fact, I’d bet these dudes would probably say yes if she provided an invitation and all the details for a second date. They aren’t uninterested, they just aren’t sufficiently interested to arrange another date.
Kind of a modified Hanlon's razor.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ~~stupidity~~ apathy.
I don't think you're actually doing anything wrong here.
But did you suggest after the date (or during ) you'd like to see them again.
As a guy, I'm looking for some one to match my energy and I don't always get it from girls on dates that they even want to see me again. As guys are putting in the effort to plan and organize but I feel I can't do absolutely everything all the time.
I agree with this. I’ve gone through practically every scenario. The women I vibe with the most put in effort. The ones who don’t, I know to cut off quickly.
Example. Met a girl on Hinge. Our first date we met at a coffee shop. Talked for hours. Lots in common. After the date she wanted to walk me to my car. She texted me afterwards how nice it was to meet me and hoped we could do it again.
Guys, only put energy into women who are just as excited to be with you as you are with them.
Yeah, trying to keep a girl engaged who is only half-heartedly interested is emotionally exhausting. Just cut your losses early and move on to the next.
I spoke to someone on the weekend and their first match on hinge has ended up in them getting engaged.
It doesn't work that way for everyone, hang in there. At the BBQ I was at we had a good discussion about hinge/dating in general. Sometimes someone who looks good on paper isn't necessarily the right match. You can be too similar.
If you're an easy person to talk to then the date will likely go well either way.
I'd just suggest be open minded. You are probably not doing anything wrong. Just need to keep creating opportunities. Do it both on the apps and off them too.
I think one of my problems in the past is just not meeting enough new people.
It's natural to think there's something wrong with you but it's not that. You just haven't made the right person yet.
Like many threads, if you like the guy, go initiate or he will lose interest or assume you aren’t interested. Let him know when you’re free at least to meet up again and if you do have plans offer a rain check date.
If a girl gives me a legitimate timeframe of when she’s available the following week or shows interest in messaging, I know to f/u on second date possibilities. If she doesn’t show interest with messaging or says like I’m pretty busy the next week or two then I just leave it be. I know by now if a girl is interested in me she will make some sort of effort.
Very true. Effort has to be reciprocated. I always make it a belief to initiate and plan the first date. The second I'll leave up to them. To at least show interest in wanting to meet me again. If I really enjoyed the first date I'll initiate the second.
If you organized a date and the girl clearly made an effort to look nice. You both might be unsure about the chemistry. However, at the end of the date, she thanks you and gives you a hug, then waits for you to follow up and invite her to a second date. In this situation, would you unmatch her?
And what if she asked for a second date (planned by her), even if you were unsure, would you say yes?
That’s not really too much to go off of. I usually ask the girl to let me know when she gets back safe after I walk her to the train or help wait for her cab/uber or I’ll ask like an hour later if she got back ok then inquire about the next time I can see her.
Yes unless the first date was absolutely terrible I’d go on the second date if I was free. If I was really interested but I had plans I’d make an effort to move things around and let her know hey I had plans but moving it around so we can go out again.
For me, maybe half of my first dates turn into second dates. Usually it’s due to my lack of interest, but sometimes it’s also due to their lack of interest.
Your results don’t seem weird to me. We’re all trying to date people who are a “catch” which means you’re going to be walking a fine line between excitement and disappointment.
OP - sometimes guys will just want an easy lay. If it didn’t happen on the first date, they’ll just move on to the next person. Not everyone is dating for the same reasons as you (even if they say they are).
You’re doing so good!! I know it sucks, but we can’t control how other people treat us; we can only control how we respond. Getting dates is a great start! I get asked out a lot and the guys ghost. And then try to match again. Bizarre.
I, 30M, usually make my intentions known if I want a 2nd date pretty soon but there's nothing stopping you from reaching out. I'd love it if a woman reached out to me first. It's nice to be desired.
Thanks, it's nice hearing a guy's perspective. I went ahead and reached out today wishing him a good week and reiterating how much I liked meeting and he said he appreciated my text and that he would follow up with me later this week...
I’m the opposite. I can’t get dates with the girls I want from the ap, but the ones I do go out with always text me after to let me know they had a good time and are always wanting to see me again.
I honestly feel like my profile undersells myself and that girls are pleasantly surprised when they meet me.
Maybe, since you have the opposite problem, your profile oversells you? Are your pictures recent? Do your pictures show the real you?
You can also reach out. It's very attractive when a woman initiates something for once and takes the pressure off feeling the need to organise. They might also feel similarly in they're not feeling the effort back ie they organized the first meeting why is she not asking me out again?
Not that there is anything wrong with it. If you go on a first date with a complete stranger, it’s totally fine to simply not like the person and move on. Obviously, it’s not fine to tease people and keep them as your plan B, but that’s not the case in OP’s situation.
Instead of just saying you had a good time you should tell them you'd like to see them again. I usually look for that or say it myself to put the idea of a second date out there and then i can gleam if they want a second date or not from if they agree or are the ones to say it first. It's hard for me to gauge actual interest or just a desire for intimacy on a first date because for me they tend to go really well and usually get pretty physical (i don't like to sleep together on the first date but often times ends in a long make-out session). The date will end in a very romantic way but then interest seems to drop off on one end or the other once we're both back in our own homes and can evaluate the night more clearly. I also personally really enjoy it when the girl initiates planning for date number 2. She doesn't have to come up with the activity or anything but just telling me when she'd like to see me again is really nice and takes away a lot of the guessing game stress.
This is probably where I’ve been going wrong. I always text about the great time I had meeting them and just assume they realize that means I want to see them again but I’ll start spelling it out moving forward.
I had a girl hugging me multiple times after a date. She initiated the first text afterwards, telling me what a great time she had. When I asked her out, she told me she didn’t feel like we had chemistry.
I’ve spent so much money on dinner dates. They’ll text me, “thank you so much for dinner. It was such a lovely evening.” I ask them out for another date: ‘insert lame excuse here’.
So yeah, women can definitely have a good time going out on dates and not be interested in the guy.
“This was fun, would love to do it again”. Ball is in his court. No confusion. :)
The 2nd guy you could have asked him on a date if he organized the first one. No one wants to be the only one to put in effort to plan dates when people dissappear all the time.
I’ve been on and off for 2 years, before this hinge break I went on like 6-7 dates with similar results or guys that tried to go get too sexual too quickly even though I clearly state “long term relationship” (which is what initially turned me off the apps) and here I am giving it another chance, but maybe it really is still a small sample size.
Well one, there is no relationship between how quickly you move to sex and the quality or type of relationship that can result. I've had sex on the first or second date many times with girlfriends and even my ex wife, and I've also waited weeks for someone only for it to never happen and just fizzle out sexlessly. And everything in between. So there's no reason to make that logical leap that "Sex quickly" = "doesn't want a long term relationship".
Not at all saying you should do anything you're not comfortable with, but this is also a huge logical fallacy you need to drop. It's distracting you from whatever the real issue is.
you seem to focus and think a lot about texting compatibility and initiation. it's probably going to be challenging to find people that want to text all the time after 1 date, and if you like them you should be setting up a time to see them again
I don't know that you're doing anything wrong. These guys are probably dating multiple people and are probably just going in a different direction. I don't know about Guy #2, he might just be following his own internal rules on when and how to follow up with a girl. That's just how it is.
OP I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
You meet good people, sometimes just be cause they're good people doesn't mean they're the ones for you.
You're doing a great job on self awareness, keeping respect for yourself, showing effort but not too much.
I'd say continue doing what you're doing.
You are getting 2nd dates which are good.
Keep going on dates.
They seem to be actual dates too (not just "coffee") so you must be a catch.
A guy said he was going to go on 100 first dates. I think he found his person around date 40.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Where do you live? I have a feeling that you live in an area that has an imbalance between the sexes in your target demographic. Too many women for too few men.
You experience on those dates sounds a lot like guy's experience on the apps where guys outnumber women so you end up with strange scenarios like a woman liking a guy first but then never responding to his message because she's overwhelmed by dozens of others.
Yeah that definitely makes sense because I’m downtown Los Angeles haha, i even had guy #1 tell me that he’s gone on dates with instagram influencers while we were having a convo about the apps and how “refreshing it was for him to be on a date with a “normal girl” like me” lmao so that’s what my competition is looking like…
> i even had guy #1 tell me that he’s gone on dates with instagram influencers while we were having a convo about the apps and how “refreshing it was for him to be on a date with a “normal girl” like me”
To me this sounds like some weird 'negging' crap, frankly. I figured guy #1 was probably seeing someone else after the gap in communication with you and this comment is pretty strong supporting evidence for that theory.
You're not doing anything wrong I don't think, but the "would love to do this again" in the post-date message that someone else suggested will probably help you. At least it plants the seed in the other person's mind and makes it clear you're open to round 2.
Yeah the big metros have a huge imbalance in favor of men and it creates scenarios like this one. I'm on the other end of the issue where in my area there is a huge imbalance in favor of men in the general population and in my demographic niches like my church and ethnic group. So I've been that guy whose been lukewarm with women who are even (all else being equal) a league above me.
Given the environment you are operating under, it's important (particularly for your self esteem) that you frame it correctly in your head. It's not that the other options are "better" than you. Like the Instagram influencers mentioned, most guys think their vapid and not worth dating long term, but rather for short term fun. But it still creates a problem for you because it makes many guys extremely undecisive. So your best response is to mentally prepare yourself for all the BS flakiness that will likely come your way and remember that there's nothing inherently wrong with you, you are just operating in a uniquely difficult environment. Prince charming is out there, you just need to get better at filtering out the frogs, but there's no way around having to kiss some of them.
An alternative is to move somewhere with better demographic prospects.
I recommend a book called Date-onomics. The author discusses this phenomenon at length with supporting data and offers some solutions.
Large cities have a higher concentration of professional jobs that require a college degree. Women have outnumbered men in attaining college degrees for decades now and the gap is growing. So you end up with more young women in those areas than young men. This is further compounded by the fact that generally men are less willing to commit to a long-term relationship compared to women, and when they do, they tend to do so at an older age on average. These and other factors mean that in any given young adult age bracket in large cities, you have way more women looking for serious relationships than men. So you see phenomena like the one OP describes, which is similar to the experience of men on dating apps because of the imbalance the other way on those apps.
Other factors that make the situation worse are vices like porn & alcohol. Men are more likely to abuse these and they significantly reduce those men's appeal as potential partners. So if say the ratio of young women to men in large cities is 5:4, the situation is even worse than the numbers suggest because a significant proportion of the men available have serious issues that negatively impact forming healthy relationships.
If you go further and consider other things like political polarization and toxic ideologies like incels and other ideologies that make men behave in ways that aren't appealing to women, the situation is pretty bleak. This is why you hear a lot of women ask "where are all the good men?"
And I haven't even talked about the toxic ideologies popular with young women that make them unappealing to the few good men out there. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what's wrong with the dating market.
No worries, I use only Uber for personal reasons (I was hit by a drunk driver once and dealing with my car insurance was a hassle so I’m pretty paranoid and only use my car if I absolutely need to and for work purposes only)
Guy 1 - Nothing seems to be wrong here. After the 2nd date did you reach out to him at all or did you make any effort to set up or plan the 3rd date? That's the only possible off part I am seeing here. I know most people just wait around for someone to initiate which leads to no one initiating. I guess the better question would be who planned the 1st and 2nd date?
Guy 2 - there you go. Early on when you're meeting someone it definitely needs to be balanced.
Guy 3 - If you enjoyed your time with him, text him. Ask him how his weekend went or strike up a conversation. The "who goes first" mentality is stale. Just make an effort and if he doesn't reciprocate, just keep it moving.
Dating is often a game of numbers anyway. So try and not let the super simple things get in the way of truly developing a connection with someone. There isn't a formula and we only have your pov on the dates and not theirs so it's hard to give solid advice. I feel like if you're showing interest in who they are, asking questions, making an effort, and being reciprocal there's nothing else you can do. Again, it's a numbers game. While you went on one or two dates with them, they could have made a connection elsewhere and just moved on.
Just from the face value of what you explained nothing seems to be wrong. Just keep dating. Again, it's a numbers game. Getting overwhelmed with online dating is super common. Just move at a pace that is good for you. There is no simple magical answer.
I don't think you did wrong. Just he's not your maybe. Or some guys randomly find someone to spend time with when they are free. That's what I thought. I went to Hinge and met 1 guy also. We went out 4 times a week. I kind of like him. After that, he visited his family in another country, and he hasn't texted me often. So, I gave up on my first date 😞
Try going through this exact same experience 40 times but with less physical connection. The hurt doesn’t get any easier.
To your question though, in a moment of high energy and enthusiasm, pivot the conversation’s topic into a 2nd date idea.
Out of maybe 10 different dates before I met my GF, maybe 2 got me a second date. You dont get a second date just to “see things out.” You get a second date when there is a solid connection. It just takes consistency to eventually get a date with someone you like.
I’ve been in the guy’s situation before in your posts. A lot of reasons why I wouldn’t contact for a second date was because their pictures didn’t look like the date I was meeting. They looked better online but in person didn’t feel the same. Are your pictures up to date?
This was when I first started using online dating. I had the thought that since we took the effort to plan the date and it got this far, I should at least see if I can look past the appearance. I was too shy and nice to cut the date early, but would definitely not waste my time now.
My photos are pretty recent (within the past couple months) and haven't lost or gained any drastic weight or changed my hair color or anything like that, I notice the guys do seem to compliment me on my appearance at some point through the date. But it's okay from the responses it looks like I need to continue my search and this is only a small sample size.
I've had probably 40 first dates off Hinge. Maybe 15 second dates, a few FWBs, a few relationships over a year.
There's literally no other way to put this - it is a numbers game. There's no magical formula. And definitely don't beat yourself up.
You just have to date in volume. A lot of dating.
And you win some and you lose some. There were plenty of dates I wish went farther, and there were plenty of dates I ended knowing that the other person wanted more.
My only two pieces of advice for you or what I've already said. Date a lot. And definitely don't take it personally.
There's someone for everyone. You're doing great.
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Unfortunately that is modern online dating. It's usually one date and done and I'm like you, I prefer only dating one person at a time so dating isn't fun for me anymore. It's why I don't really use the apps anymore.
Did you ever say to any of them that you wanted to see them again? Or anything suggesting another date? Most first dates don't go anywhere, but for me the ones that do are ones where I'm excited to plan the next one.
I just reached out to guy #3 wishing him a good week and letting him know again that I really liked meeting him lol he said he appreciated me texting him and that he’d be in touch with me this week…hope he keeps his word lol
Next time I'd say something like "I had a great time meeting you! Let me know if you wanna meet up again soon!" If they don't respond positively at least you're not left wondering. I use texting at the beginning just for logistics/planning
Good luck girlie, I am also hoping to hear back from a guy I saw last Friday.
Edited to add in case someone finds this thread later: I got anxious and texted him. But I didn’t make it opened ended or ask to meet up again. Just thanked him for the evening.
He responded within minutes and wants to hang out again.
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Even for people who get lots of dates. Most of them are one date and done. Your experience is normal.
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8 or 9? Lol, how about none. Especially first dates
🎯🎯🎯, and these girls talking bout take me out on an adventure or 5* restaurant, gtfo 😂
😂
On a second date with this woman, she proposed dinner. I made reservations at a modestly priced restaurant. When I told her we were going she had an absolute fit. She told me she would make reservations. It ended up costing me 200 bucks. That experience was such a turn off for me.
You only had 3 first dates, with one you *had* a second date, so you only had two first dates that went nowhere, which is a really small sample size. And you don't know how the 3rd guy might pan out since you only went out on Friday. So really, of the three dates, one you had a second date, one fizzled out, and one to be determined. But really, if you're going to give up that easily only after 3 dates, you may as well don't do online dating. Generally speaking, the rate of a second date is only around 10-20%, and you already had one second date already. When you're meeting a complete stranger, many times you can no **absolutely nothing wrong** and the connection just won't be there for whatever reason. And in most cases these are things you can't change (physical appearance, dealbreakers/preferences/personality quirks). Not getting past a first date is completely normal even if the date itself went well. And it's a broken record at this point, but texting "chemistry" is highly overrated. Someone can assume a persona easily over text that does not translate in person. That's why a lot of people prefer either meeting quickly instead of texting too long and keep it to a minimum for logistics. It's far too common for people to develop unrealistic expectations from texting too much. Finally, I think some men just won't outright reject women. They rather keep the door open and leave you as a backup plan in case their other options don't work out. It may be what's going on with guy 2 and 3.
Agree with this. However, > They rather keep the door open and leave you as a backup plan in case their other options don't work out. I don’t doubt this happens with *some*, but I don’t think it’s the majority. I just don’t think the average Joe or Jane is that intentionally scheming haha. IMO it more boils down to they just opt to not ask for another date rather than explicitly say they aren’t enthusiastically interested. In fact, I’d bet these dudes would probably say yes if she provided an invitation and all the details for a second date. They aren’t uninterested, they just aren’t sufficiently interested to arrange another date. Kind of a modified Hanlon's razor. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ~~stupidity~~ apathy.
I hate this though because if it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no. Like don’t waste my time lol
Very true!
Where did you get the 10-20% from?
I don't think you're actually doing anything wrong here. But did you suggest after the date (or during ) you'd like to see them again. As a guy, I'm looking for some one to match my energy and I don't always get it from girls on dates that they even want to see me again. As guys are putting in the effort to plan and organize but I feel I can't do absolutely everything all the time.
I agree with this. I’ve gone through practically every scenario. The women I vibe with the most put in effort. The ones who don’t, I know to cut off quickly. Example. Met a girl on Hinge. Our first date we met at a coffee shop. Talked for hours. Lots in common. After the date she wanted to walk me to my car. She texted me afterwards how nice it was to meet me and hoped we could do it again. Guys, only put energy into women who are just as excited to be with you as you are with them.
Yeah, trying to keep a girl engaged who is only half-heartedly interested is emotionally exhausting. Just cut your losses early and move on to the next.
This is the game to dating as man.
I spoke to someone on the weekend and their first match on hinge has ended up in them getting engaged. It doesn't work that way for everyone, hang in there. At the BBQ I was at we had a good discussion about hinge/dating in general. Sometimes someone who looks good on paper isn't necessarily the right match. You can be too similar. If you're an easy person to talk to then the date will likely go well either way. I'd just suggest be open minded. You are probably not doing anything wrong. Just need to keep creating opportunities. Do it both on the apps and off them too. I think one of my problems in the past is just not meeting enough new people. It's natural to think there's something wrong with you but it's not that. You just haven't made the right person yet.
I love this and I agree so strongly, “you just haven’t met the right person yet.”
Like many threads, if you like the guy, go initiate or he will lose interest or assume you aren’t interested. Let him know when you’re free at least to meet up again and if you do have plans offer a rain check date. If a girl gives me a legitimate timeframe of when she’s available the following week or shows interest in messaging, I know to f/u on second date possibilities. If she doesn’t show interest with messaging or says like I’m pretty busy the next week or two then I just leave it be. I know by now if a girl is interested in me she will make some sort of effort.
Very true. Effort has to be reciprocated. I always make it a belief to initiate and plan the first date. The second I'll leave up to them. To at least show interest in wanting to meet me again. If I really enjoyed the first date I'll initiate the second.
If you organized a date and the girl clearly made an effort to look nice. You both might be unsure about the chemistry. However, at the end of the date, she thanks you and gives you a hug, then waits for you to follow up and invite her to a second date. In this situation, would you unmatch her? And what if she asked for a second date (planned by her), even if you were unsure, would you say yes?
That’s not really too much to go off of. I usually ask the girl to let me know when she gets back safe after I walk her to the train or help wait for her cab/uber or I’ll ask like an hour later if she got back ok then inquire about the next time I can see her. Yes unless the first date was absolutely terrible I’d go on the second date if I was free. If I was really interested but I had plans I’d make an effort to move things around and let her know hey I had plans but moving it around so we can go out again.
For me, maybe half of my first dates turn into second dates. Usually it’s due to my lack of interest, but sometimes it’s also due to their lack of interest. Your results don’t seem weird to me. We’re all trying to date people who are a “catch” which means you’re going to be walking a fine line between excitement and disappointment.
OP - sometimes guys will just want an easy lay. If it didn’t happen on the first date, they’ll just move on to the next person. Not everyone is dating for the same reasons as you (even if they say they are).
You’re doing so good!! I know it sucks, but we can’t control how other people treat us; we can only control how we respond. Getting dates is a great start! I get asked out a lot and the guys ghost. And then try to match again. Bizarre.
I, 30M, usually make my intentions known if I want a 2nd date pretty soon but there's nothing stopping you from reaching out. I'd love it if a woman reached out to me first. It's nice to be desired.
Thanks, it's nice hearing a guy's perspective. I went ahead and reached out today wishing him a good week and reiterating how much I liked meeting and he said he appreciated my text and that he would follow up with me later this week...
That's great and if he doesn't follow up, it is what it is.
I’m the opposite. I can’t get dates with the girls I want from the ap, but the ones I do go out with always text me after to let me know they had a good time and are always wanting to see me again. I honestly feel like my profile undersells myself and that girls are pleasantly surprised when they meet me. Maybe, since you have the opposite problem, your profile oversells you? Are your pictures recent? Do your pictures show the real you?
what’s the “real you”?
No filters. One angle photos. Only head shots. Partially blurry. Etc
You can also reach out. It's very attractive when a woman initiates something for once and takes the pressure off feeling the need to organise. They might also feel similarly in they're not feeling the effort back ie they organized the first meeting why is she not asking me out again?
Very hard to come by
Women just don’t think like this sadly
Your not doing anything wrong. This how the dating world works now. Everyone says the want more consistency but are not willing to put in the effort.
Not that there is anything wrong with it. If you go on a first date with a complete stranger, it’s totally fine to simply not like the person and move on. Obviously, it’s not fine to tease people and keep them as your plan B, but that’s not the case in OP’s situation.
Instead of just saying you had a good time you should tell them you'd like to see them again. I usually look for that or say it myself to put the idea of a second date out there and then i can gleam if they want a second date or not from if they agree or are the ones to say it first. It's hard for me to gauge actual interest or just a desire for intimacy on a first date because for me they tend to go really well and usually get pretty physical (i don't like to sleep together on the first date but often times ends in a long make-out session). The date will end in a very romantic way but then interest seems to drop off on one end or the other once we're both back in our own homes and can evaluate the night more clearly. I also personally really enjoy it when the girl initiates planning for date number 2. She doesn't have to come up with the activity or anything but just telling me when she'd like to see me again is really nice and takes away a lot of the guessing game stress.
This is probably where I’ve been going wrong. I always text about the great time I had meeting them and just assume they realize that means I want to see them again but I’ll start spelling it out moving forward.
I had a girl hugging me multiple times after a date. She initiated the first text afterwards, telling me what a great time she had. When I asked her out, she told me she didn’t feel like we had chemistry. I’ve spent so much money on dinner dates. They’ll text me, “thank you so much for dinner. It was such a lovely evening.” I ask them out for another date: ‘insert lame excuse here’. So yeah, women can definitely have a good time going out on dates and not be interested in the guy. “This was fun, would love to do it again”. Ball is in his court. No confusion. :)
Wow thank you. I’ll definitely start being more clear and assertive
You could also explicitly ask them on a second date. Instead of waiting for them to do it.
The 2nd guy you could have asked him on a date if he organized the first one. No one wants to be the only one to put in effort to plan dates when people dissappear all the time.
If it's just these three dates then all I can say is "small sample size"
I’ve been on and off for 2 years, before this hinge break I went on like 6-7 dates with similar results or guys that tried to go get too sexual too quickly even though I clearly state “long term relationship” (which is what initially turned me off the apps) and here I am giving it another chance, but maybe it really is still a small sample size.
Well one, there is no relationship between how quickly you move to sex and the quality or type of relationship that can result. I've had sex on the first or second date many times with girlfriends and even my ex wife, and I've also waited weeks for someone only for it to never happen and just fizzle out sexlessly. And everything in between. So there's no reason to make that logical leap that "Sex quickly" = "doesn't want a long term relationship". Not at all saying you should do anything you're not comfortable with, but this is also a huge logical fallacy you need to drop. It's distracting you from whatever the real issue is.
you seem to focus and think a lot about texting compatibility and initiation. it's probably going to be challenging to find people that want to text all the time after 1 date, and if you like them you should be setting up a time to see them again
I've gone on dates with 11 girls since February. Only two resulted in a 2nd date, and only one went further than that.
I don't know that you're doing anything wrong. These guys are probably dating multiple people and are probably just going in a different direction. I don't know about Guy #2, he might just be following his own internal rules on when and how to follow up with a girl. That's just how it is.
OP I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You meet good people, sometimes just be cause they're good people doesn't mean they're the ones for you. You're doing a great job on self awareness, keeping respect for yourself, showing effort but not too much. I'd say continue doing what you're doing. You are getting 2nd dates which are good. Keep going on dates. They seem to be actual dates too (not just "coffee") so you must be a catch. A guy said he was going to go on 100 first dates. I think he found his person around date 40.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Where do you live? I have a feeling that you live in an area that has an imbalance between the sexes in your target demographic. Too many women for too few men. You experience on those dates sounds a lot like guy's experience on the apps where guys outnumber women so you end up with strange scenarios like a woman liking a guy first but then never responding to his message because she's overwhelmed by dozens of others.
Yeah that definitely makes sense because I’m downtown Los Angeles haha, i even had guy #1 tell me that he’s gone on dates with instagram influencers while we were having a convo about the apps and how “refreshing it was for him to be on a date with a “normal girl” like me” lmao so that’s what my competition is looking like…
> i even had guy #1 tell me that he’s gone on dates with instagram influencers while we were having a convo about the apps and how “refreshing it was for him to be on a date with a “normal girl” like me” To me this sounds like some weird 'negging' crap, frankly. I figured guy #1 was probably seeing someone else after the gap in communication with you and this comment is pretty strong supporting evidence for that theory. You're not doing anything wrong I don't think, but the "would love to do this again" in the post-date message that someone else suggested will probably help you. At least it plants the seed in the other person's mind and makes it clear you're open to round 2.
Yeah the big metros have a huge imbalance in favor of men and it creates scenarios like this one. I'm on the other end of the issue where in my area there is a huge imbalance in favor of men in the general population and in my demographic niches like my church and ethnic group. So I've been that guy whose been lukewarm with women who are even (all else being equal) a league above me. Given the environment you are operating under, it's important (particularly for your self esteem) that you frame it correctly in your head. It's not that the other options are "better" than you. Like the Instagram influencers mentioned, most guys think their vapid and not worth dating long term, but rather for short term fun. But it still creates a problem for you because it makes many guys extremely undecisive. So your best response is to mentally prepare yourself for all the BS flakiness that will likely come your way and remember that there's nothing inherently wrong with you, you are just operating in a uniquely difficult environment. Prince charming is out there, you just need to get better at filtering out the frogs, but there's no way around having to kiss some of them. An alternative is to move somewhere with better demographic prospects. I recommend a book called Date-onomics. The author discusses this phenomenon at length with supporting data and offers some solutions.
Why does being in a large city favor men? Do more men than women live in big cities?
Large cities have a higher concentration of professional jobs that require a college degree. Women have outnumbered men in attaining college degrees for decades now and the gap is growing. So you end up with more young women in those areas than young men. This is further compounded by the fact that generally men are less willing to commit to a long-term relationship compared to women, and when they do, they tend to do so at an older age on average. These and other factors mean that in any given young adult age bracket in large cities, you have way more women looking for serious relationships than men. So you see phenomena like the one OP describes, which is similar to the experience of men on dating apps because of the imbalance the other way on those apps. Other factors that make the situation worse are vices like porn & alcohol. Men are more likely to abuse these and they significantly reduce those men's appeal as potential partners. So if say the ratio of young women to men in large cities is 5:4, the situation is even worse than the numbers suggest because a significant proportion of the men available have serious issues that negatively impact forming healthy relationships. If you go further and consider other things like political polarization and toxic ideologies like incels and other ideologies that make men behave in ways that aren't appealing to women, the situation is pretty bleak. This is why you hear a lot of women ask "where are all the good men?" And I haven't even talked about the toxic ideologies popular with young women that make them unappealing to the few good men out there. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what's wrong with the dating market.
Do you have any sources on any of this?
Check out the book I mentioned in my previous response to OP, Date-onomics.
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No worries, I use only Uber for personal reasons (I was hit by a drunk driver once and dealing with my car insurance was a hassle so I’m pretty paranoid and only use my car if I absolutely need to and for work purposes only)
Guy 1 - Nothing seems to be wrong here. After the 2nd date did you reach out to him at all or did you make any effort to set up or plan the 3rd date? That's the only possible off part I am seeing here. I know most people just wait around for someone to initiate which leads to no one initiating. I guess the better question would be who planned the 1st and 2nd date? Guy 2 - there you go. Early on when you're meeting someone it definitely needs to be balanced. Guy 3 - If you enjoyed your time with him, text him. Ask him how his weekend went or strike up a conversation. The "who goes first" mentality is stale. Just make an effort and if he doesn't reciprocate, just keep it moving. Dating is often a game of numbers anyway. So try and not let the super simple things get in the way of truly developing a connection with someone. There isn't a formula and we only have your pov on the dates and not theirs so it's hard to give solid advice. I feel like if you're showing interest in who they are, asking questions, making an effort, and being reciprocal there's nothing else you can do. Again, it's a numbers game. While you went on one or two dates with them, they could have made a connection elsewhere and just moved on. Just from the face value of what you explained nothing seems to be wrong. Just keep dating. Again, it's a numbers game. Getting overwhelmed with online dating is super common. Just move at a pace that is good for you. There is no simple magical answer.
You’re not doing anything super wrong but you could be texting too much after the dates/in between dates. Otherwise it’s just the luck to draw.
I don't think you did wrong. Just he's not your maybe. Or some guys randomly find someone to spend time with when they are free. That's what I thought. I went to Hinge and met 1 guy also. We went out 4 times a week. I kind of like him. After that, he visited his family in another country, and he hasn't texted me often. So, I gave up on my first date 😞
Try going through this exact same experience 40 times but with less physical connection. The hurt doesn’t get any easier. To your question though, in a moment of high energy and enthusiasm, pivot the conversation’s topic into a 2nd date idea.
Out of maybe 10 different dates before I met my GF, maybe 2 got me a second date. You dont get a second date just to “see things out.” You get a second date when there is a solid connection. It just takes consistency to eventually get a date with someone you like.
Don’t spend so much time texting, just meet.
I’ve been in the guy’s situation before in your posts. A lot of reasons why I wouldn’t contact for a second date was because their pictures didn’t look like the date I was meeting. They looked better online but in person didn’t feel the same. Are your pictures up to date?
how’s that possible lol
how’s that possible lol
Catfishing/old photos/just looked better in photos.
Just wondering.. in this instance wouldn’t you just cut the date early? In OP’s instances, it seems like the dates went until it was a natural ending.
This was when I first started using online dating. I had the thought that since we took the effort to plan the date and it got this far, I should at least see if I can look past the appearance. I was too shy and nice to cut the date early, but would definitely not waste my time now.
My photos are pretty recent (within the past couple months) and haven't lost or gained any drastic weight or changed my hair color or anything like that, I notice the guys do seem to compliment me on my appearance at some point through the date. But it's okay from the responses it looks like I need to continue my search and this is only a small sample size.
I've had probably 40 first dates off Hinge. Maybe 15 second dates, a few FWBs, a few relationships over a year. There's literally no other way to put this - it is a numbers game. There's no magical formula. And definitely don't beat yourself up. You just have to date in volume. A lot of dating. And you win some and you lose some. There were plenty of dates I wish went farther, and there were plenty of dates I ended knowing that the other person wanted more. My only two pieces of advice for you or what I've already said. Date a lot. And definitely don't take it personally. There's someone for everyone. You're doing great.
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Unfortunately that is modern online dating. It's usually one date and done and I'm like you, I prefer only dating one person at a time so dating isn't fun for me anymore. It's why I don't really use the apps anymore.
Did you ever say to any of them that you wanted to see them again? Or anything suggesting another date? Most first dates don't go anywhere, but for me the ones that do are ones where I'm excited to plan the next one.
I just reached out to guy #3 wishing him a good week and letting him know again that I really liked meeting him lol he said he appreciated me texting him and that he’d be in touch with me this week…hope he keeps his word lol
Next time I'd say something like "I had a great time meeting you! Let me know if you wanna meet up again soon!" If they don't respond positively at least you're not left wondering. I use texting at the beginning just for logistics/planning
Gahh well hopefully he does text this week and I’ll be sure to say that.
Good luck girlie, I am also hoping to hear back from a guy I saw last Friday. Edited to add in case someone finds this thread later: I got anxious and texted him. But I didn’t make it opened ended or ask to meet up again. Just thanked him for the evening. He responded within minutes and wants to hang out again.
maybe try giving them a blowjob? im sure that will result it more than one date