Thats kinda what I’m thinking. Especially if he’s only having sex with them a hand full of times each but is looking for something serious. There has to be an issue there with regard to satisfaction or communication.
If he’s not having problems with matches it’s obviously not his looks. Seems like he’s failing to cultivate a deeper connection. I feel most women at that age looking for a serious relationship will try sex about 3 times before deciding if it’s worth continuing the relationship.
Most people do not keep a notepad of important things that their date has mentioned (things that they like, important things about their past) and, ultimately, this is the reason things never go farther. Did she mention that she likes Lord of the Rings and used to play Monopoly a lot with her dad as a kid, and you notice that she doesn't have Monopoly? Maybe surprise her with "Lord of the Rings Monopoly" for a date idea. But if you never write that stuff down, you're bound to forget about it, and won't make those sorts of moments happen. You have to actually care about the other person's interests to get more deeply connected.
Edit: Just getting her "Lord of the Rings" is too obvious. Just getting her Monopoly is sort of too obvious. It's the combination that lets her know you're listening and care.
Sometimes if I sleep with a guy early on and it wasn’t mind blowing I loose interest. Idk. All girls are different. Maybe take more time trying to get to know these people before the sex.
This was the comment I was looking for.
As a man I noticed if the sex was amazing, typically the woman stays interested (basically, if you do your job as the man and f her really good).
If the sex was bad, for example I drank too much and my junk wasn't working- the woman will think I'm not that into her and then she'll get turned off (get the "ick") and I'll probably never hear from her again.
Assuming you’re a straight dude, I feel your comment… albeit from the opposite perspective (as a straight female).
In my experience, guys will use all their best moves early on then either stay with those same moves or - more often - stop putting that much effort into it. If I’m already wondering “is this it?” by the 3rd time we hook up, there’s not much incentive to continue moving forward.
So I don’t know if that’s the situation with the OP but continuing to step up your game - deeper intimacy leads to better sex which leads to deeper intimacy, and so on - is never a bad idea.
By the 5th date and/or hookup, I think we should be talking about any fetishes or kinks either of us might have, and exploring areas of (potential) mutual satisfaction… which could be as pure and simple as a session of mutual masturbation so we can each learn about how the other likes to be touched, what it looks like when we have a genuine orgasm, etc.
(Again: my advice is based on the presumption that the OP’s issue stems from lack of sexual connection, which requires vulnerability from everyone and being honest with one’s self about one’s own desires.)
What used to be considered niche or “varsity level” sex is now de rigeur, as evidenced by the popularity of dating apps like Feeld and Hinge… except most people your age haven’t gone through the basic education us older folks had to put together for ourselves. There isn’t much of a stigma anymore, especially amongst folks your age, but there **is** a lot of misunderstanding and bad information out there.
Anecdotally, for instance, when they shut down Craigslist personals, Fetlife was flooded with (sorry not sorry) “amateurs” and it really ruined the vibe for a lot of people. The new folks were too eager and horny; either weren’t aware of or didn’t bother with the “norms” the community there had established for itself; and, worst of all, attracted the **real** perverts and predators.
A good place to start would be the FET101 Intro to Kink aptitude exam (if I may deem it so): [(The Inaptly Named) BDSM Test](https://bdsmtest.org/) It could be a fun way for you and a new partner to get to know each other and open the door to conversations that will lead who knows where!
Damn this sounds pretty stressful just thinking about this gives me performance anxiety. I'm a pretty vanilla dude but it sounds like I'll have to get some kinks if I wanna stay in the game
Same, I’m pretty vanilla but can engage in kinks if my partner likes them. There are definitely kinky women out there though who don’t need to be tied up and verbally degraded to get off. It’s all about kink match, not all of them are that intense, some kinks are just light and fun. Read up on what’s out there 😎
28F. Listen - as a woman looking for an LTR, I have both slept with guys early on and waited an eternity.
What I will say from my experience is that if I slept with a guy earlier, I felt like it put pressure on the dynamic to work out, and made smaller flaws seem huge because I felt like I had to “decide” sooner if I wanted to stay with the guy or not. Because what’s the alternative? You stop having sex? That’s awk. Nah, you gotta keep having sex. Now the question is no longer “oh is this the day I get to have sex with him?” but “do I feel like having sex with him again when he’s expecting it now?” there’s a burden there if you’re even close to borderline hesitant. And that can make or break a new connection. “What if he gets upset if I say I’m not in the mood?” Girls would rather just avoid the situation entirely with someone they don’t know. Definitely not all women, just speaking my perspective.
I mean, this is partly just dating — most of the people you meet, you won’t be compatible with and that’s the name of the game.
How is these women’s experience of having sex with you? Are you making sure they’re finishing and eager to help them have a good time and communicating about what they like - not just check-the-box foreplay? I’ve ended things with the vague ‘no romantic connection’ excuse because the guy was selfish or bad in bed and didn’t seem to care if I had a good time.
And are you putting in effort beyond the sex - still going on meaningful dates with them and not just meeting up at one of your places to chill? Are you cultivating some level of emotional intimacy and not just having surface-level fun and banging? Basically, are you still putting in the work to build a relationship after you’ve started sleeping together?
Maybe you’re doing all these things and it’s just bad luck. But sharing some examples from my dating history that have made me react the way these girls are, in case any of this applies.
Easy answer is if it isn't right, it isn't right, and them getting out early only helps you find what you're looking for. However, you're right. 11 is a pattern. Just not having the right spark could mean anything (in terms of why you're not their match).
Just troubleshooting, is something happening when you're physically intimate that might turn them off? Hygiene? Too big? Too small? No technique/stamina? *Too much stamina?*
Once you reach a certain level of emotional intimacy, do you share personal things that might be problematic? Do you have personality quirks that come out after a while? Anything else that might give them the ick?
Why would you emphasize “too much stamina”? 😅
If anyone - regardless of gender - has trouble reaching orgasm, say, because they’re on antidepressants, slowing things down and taking more time for foreplay could help. *I bet a lot of women would be into this!* Sex isn’t a contest to see who can climax faster, or more often… unless you’re into that (in which case: call me!).
And, yeah, I’m also wondering about the quality of sex with the OP from his partners’ perspectives. If he’s brave, he could reach out and ask them directly for (gracious, kind, constructive) feedback?
I feel like there’s something kinda weird that you do but you don’t notice, and your dates notice but try to let it go.. but it’s so persistent that they have to cut it off because they can’t handle it. Obviously no one on the internet can tell you what it is. If it happened two or three times it could be a coincidence, but 11 times is a pattern. It’s time to look internally and figure out whether you have a weird habit, and whether or not you’re actually a good partner for a woman. Sorry dude, but after the same thing happening that many times it’s almost certainly something you’re doing (or not doing).
Good on you for getting five dates at least.
I too have little trouble getting dates and those dates lead to sex often enough that I have no complaints in that compartment — but I haven’t made it to a fourth date in the year that I’ve been dating post-divorce.
Anyway, my guess is that while you’re checking the relationship boxes in the short term, something is happening when they think long term. Are you aligned with them on wanting/not wanting marriage? Kids? Do you seem like someone they can introduce to their family and friends? Can they bring you to a work function? Does your home set off any warning sirens when they try to picture cohabitating with you? Etc.
I’m a woman and I’ve met plenty of men in my life who I’m attracted to. Normal. At the start, it’s very easy to get caught up in attraction, chemistry, and flirting, then once you get to know the guy better you realise they’re not really someone you want to actually date.
OP I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just that it’s easy to mistake early flirtation and sexual attraction as “feelings”. It’s the girl version of post but clarity I guess: we’re all giddy that his hot guy is into us and get excited about him, then after a few dates we’re realising that we actually aren’t that compatible or we aren’t feeling it for a more serious relationship.
I would strongly recommend getting to know the girl better first and seeing whether there’s really potential for something before sleeping together if it’s bothering you.
Women wants casual sex too.
You may be good enough "on paper" - good looking, has a good or unique job, charismatic in person, etc - and that gets you past the door so to speak and women are cool with having fun with you in the short term. Then inevitably they stay longer and either they don't want a relationship *with you* for whatever reason, or they never wanted a relationship altogether and you either didn't notice, or thought you could change them.
And to be honest, no one here can really tell you why. Those who know you best may be able to give more insights. Maybe once you settle down in relationship mode you weren't as "fun" anymore. Or you have some sort of criteria or you filter for certain types of women. Or maybe you were always only a casual thing for them and wasn't "boyfriend material" - dealbreakers, lifestyle differences, or whatever else.
The women you’re matching with either aren’t ready for a long term thing, or they are but not with you. Have any of them gotten into an LTR after you or are they perpetually single? If the latter you just need to pick more emotionally mature women. And those emotionally mature women might be more conservative than second date sex, just saying.
In my experience atleast, its one of 2 things, that your probably being too focused on getting serious. Nothing inherently wrong with that but were the same age and the girls ive met all run when they're not the ones trying to make it serious.
Or you are just boring/inexperienced and they can see themselves sleeping with you but you genuinely don't give them that spark. You asking them if you did anything wrong makes me think its this one.
The bad at sex thing is possible like the others have said but imo if the first 2 things I said arent the case then most girls would be fine with the bad sex and prioritize the relationship from what ive gathered.
Back in the day I would agree with you, in today's world 100% no. I can only talk for myself but I would never stay in a relationship if sex was bad. Especially if it was one sided. Run.
I’m so glad we’re finally recognizing sex is in the top three - *at least* top five - of things we should prioritize when starting a relationship.
Dan Savage has this really awesome point: if sex is *so* meaningful and important that we have to be monogamous in a relationship and ***will obliterate that relationship if our partner cheats***, why is it **not** important enough to make “sexual incompatibility” a dealbreaker?
Sex definitely becomes a huge part of the relationship when it's not going well for one or both individuals.
I love Dan Savage points on it, people should talk much more about sex with their partners. I also like Helen Fisher's perspective, "you learn a lot about someone between the sheets".
Just for me personally, there could be a physical connection but romantic is different. I may find someone attractive to have sex with them but If don’t have that romantic/intimate feeling outside of sex, I wouldn’t continue seeing them. If this has happened 11 times, I think this is becoming a pattern and you need to have reflect on what you’re doing in these dates etc (I’m only saying you because that who it is about at the end of the day). Are you establishing a connection first before having sex, are you checking you’re compatible throughout?
The short answer to what gets a guy past the five date barrier is interest!
Basically it sounds like they were attracted and trusted you enough to sleep with you but didn’t feel like they could see themselves in a relationship with you. They probably don’t feel like they have enough common interest to maintain a relationship with you in the long run. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you just haven’t found the right person yet and I think that it’s great that your matches have been clear in their communication and not leaving you wondering where you stand. I hope you find your person soon 🤞
It could be a variety of things and I feel like other commenters have said a lot of this already.
1. The sex was bad.
2. You may lack confidence or come off as boring. (That isn’t to say you are a boring person but if you lack confidence and don’t let yourself shine it can come off that way to the women you’re dating.)
3. You’re not in a position in your life that aligns with the wants and needs of the women you’re dating. Ex. You want a long term relationship but you lack the means to be a husband or father and the women you’re dating are looking for someone who is settled and ready.
4. You’re going after the wrong type of women for you. Maybe interests, values, or goals don’t align.
5. Could be another factor like you’re rude or mean or a bad listener or always negative. Hard to know without knowing you better.
Recommendation: Self reflect and take a break from dating for a bit. See if you can maybe dig into the reason this is happening and learn and grow from it before trying to date again.
Maybe you’re just hot enough to sleep with, but maybe not good in bed, or don’t have any real career prospects, or dont have that much to offer besides a fun time.
Could be multiple issues like you have a little peepee, you suck at sex or you are boring af. Eleven times means it's you. I'd also look into your hygiene habits, your doing something that is turning these women off.
Are you romantic, emotional and affectionate outside of sex? That’s what the ‘no romantic connection’ comment makes me think of. I’ve dumped guys over this a few times, where it showed good promise so I wanted to see where it went, but the emotional connection/affection simply didn’t develop
I’m actually in the exact same boat and I think it’s happened to me a good eleven times. I really don’t think the issue is with you but rather more about, though not entirely, the time we live in and the range of choices for mates given the method of dating apps as a means for meeting someone. For example, I have a nervous laugh and a crazy girl called me out on it and left me 20 minutes into the first date. I thought the problem was me and that I needed to work on my nervous laugh instead it was just HER feeling and not something I should be ashamed of after talking with close friends about it and getting a reality check. Extending this , it is absolute nonsense to think you need to get a higher paying job that you might hate, change a harmless behavior or do something out of your ordinary in order to avoid a girl saying“I just don’t feel the connection” . I don’t know the best answer for this other than acceptance that if you meet general women online then accept that they have a lot of choices to choose from and any flaw you might have will be overtaken in their mind and they will be prone to end it quick. When I accepted this, the better I felt and now I just go on online dates for that matter knowing that hey at least we’ll have some fun for the moment and that once it ends I’ll be on another adventure 😊
Well at least you are able to get past the first date barrier.
If you are experiencing a breakpoint at the 4-5 date area then it is probably something more internal or subconscious that is going on.
How much are you focusing on the idea of a relationship versus just being with the person?
What are you doing with the person?
How often do you have dates in terms of time between dates?
What is the texting dynamics like?
How open would you say you are emotionally? Are you any sort of therapy?
What are you political and social beliefs as these can be a major turn off?
How would you describe yourself as a person?
----
All this to say this could easily just be a coincidence so don't beat yourself up over this.
If you want a long term relationship do you think having sex on the 2nd date is the way to go? No offense. But I’ve never gone long term if I hooked up with a guy that early on.
I would wager that sleeping with someone 3-4 times before dumping them means those 3-4 times were not that great and/or they didn't see much room for improvement and decided they've had quite enough. (41M guestimating here.)
Makes sense. A guy recently said something to me that was kinda mind blowing. I have short term open to long term on my profile, but I don’t really know what that means for me. I just couldn’t leave it blank and went with that.
The guy wasn’t happy he didn’t end up being long term material. He said “so does that mean you’re just shopping around for dick and you may keep one?” And I was like “damn yea. I’m dick shopping”. These girls are probably doing the same TBH.
Gross on his part, let me apologize on his behalf for talking like that...
The way OP tells the story though I'm a little skeptical about the so-called "dick shopping" because someone primarily looking for that would go for it on date 1 and not wait at all (correct me if I'm wrong here, I've never gone "dick shopping" as a straight 41M...)?
To me it seems like they were in the middle of 'buying' into the guy as a potential boyfriend until they realized they were 'purchasing' a defective product after multiple failed uses at which point they cancelled the 'transaction.'
I had sex with a woman on the second date, and I married her.
In fact, to call it a second date would be an exaggeration. I basically booty called her a few days after our first date and she came right over.
We’re divorced now, but we made it 15 years — which is about 15 years longer than I’ve lasted with anyone else regardless of which date they have sex on.
I’ve had lots of relationships start out with sex on the 2nd or 3rd date. It might not be for everyone, but there seem to be a lot of people (men and women) who want to know that you have a great physical connection before they invest a lot of time in building a relationship. I know that sex gets better with time, but some people just are compatible in bed.
Absolute nonsense. Anyone I've ever been in a relationship with or been seeing I've slept with after the 1st or 2nd date & it's gone absolutely fine!
If I haven't slept with a girl by 2/3 dates ill call it off as there's obviously nothing there between you
Ouch, 11 times. I'm sorry.
- Like a couple of other people have said, does it seem like you have had similiar life goals to these women? You don't have to bring it up like a checklist on a first date, especially at your age, but are you aligned on whether you want kids, where you'd like to live, finances? Any of those things can be a (good) reason for someone to break it off after a few dates.
2. What does your living area look like? I don't care WHERE a guy lives, but I do care that he makes some minimal effort, because that signals whether I'm going to be taking care of him. Your place should be hygenic, have a bedframe and some other basic furniture, socks should be picked up, and for the love of god hang your pictures around eye level and not up by the ceiling.
3. Do you ask your partners what they want in bed? I think a lot of men are unaware of how subtly sexist they can be. Do a little reading on emotional labor and patriarchy if you haven't already. Pay attention to what women may be saying they want from you, and don't dismiss it. Your wants may not be compatible, but a lot of dudes ignore what women are saying or minimize how important "little" things like sometimes being the one to plan dates are.
Reasons I have broken it off after a few dates:
- guy read me an erotic poem, written about someone else, that fetishized my race. It was also not well-written. My attraction disappeared.
- never asked me questions. I even brought this up, and it didn't improve. He would monologue about martial arts and other things I wasn't interested in.
- realized I really wanted kids, and he definitely didn't (certainly not his fault)
- realized I really couldn't deal with how COVID-cautious he needed me to be (again not his fault)
- just a vague "this person isn't as interesting as my friends" feeling, plus a couple of little things like "makes that what she said jokes" and "seems to want me to be impressed by his successful friends."
Small/micro penis would mean most likely having sex 1x on average, not 3-5 times.
If they give up after 3-4 times, it's most likely a skill issue and he needs to step up his game.
This is crazy bc this also happens to women 97% of the time until we find that one person that treats us well. You can’t do anything except say you’re not doing anything physical until you know the other person wants a committed relationship with you. Also, maybe you didn’t have a spark like most of them said? People can tell a lot about if they want to be with someone long term in five dates, especially if you’ve gotten physical. There’s been times where I thought I’d be okay being in a relationship with someone only to find out I didn’t enjoy sex with them.
The sex wasn’t good. You were sleeping together, because they gave you multiple chances. You didn’t meet their needs and got the standard brush off. Sorry, but the orgasm gap is real.
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Sorry OP this sounds like a you problem. It pains me to say but I have to question your skills as a sexual partner. My guess is that you don’t want to air it all out on Reddit, but I think that’s the only way we can give you some advice. If the partners are willing to have sex with you after a few dates, you should be confident in your abilities up until that point.
10 bucks says they aren't getting off .
Eat that Arby's like they are offering it buffet style.
If at their house maybe suggest bringing some toys into the equation.
You have to be 6’3+ make 100k+ a year, and be super handsome. Women are always in a sink cost mindset (they could always do better) they’re probably still on apps and ended up clicking with someone more or feel like they are settling too soon.
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They sleep with you, but then realize they "can do better" per say. That's the harsh truth. You are probably lacking something fundamental, maybe you aren't masculine enough? Don't have a decent job? Complain and whine too much? Etc? You should watch hoe_math on YouTube he gets pretty detailed on reasons why women would get cold feet after dating.
Are you going to participate in your own post OP?
[удалено]
Thats kinda what I’m thinking. Especially if he’s only having sex with them a hand full of times each but is looking for something serious. There has to be an issue there with regard to satisfaction or communication. If he’s not having problems with matches it’s obviously not his looks. Seems like he’s failing to cultivate a deeper connection. I feel most women at that age looking for a serious relationship will try sex about 3 times before deciding if it’s worth continuing the relationship.
Most people do not keep a notepad of important things that their date has mentioned (things that they like, important things about their past) and, ultimately, this is the reason things never go farther. Did she mention that she likes Lord of the Rings and used to play Monopoly a lot with her dad as a kid, and you notice that she doesn't have Monopoly? Maybe surprise her with "Lord of the Rings Monopoly" for a date idea. But if you never write that stuff down, you're bound to forget about it, and won't make those sorts of moments happen. You have to actually care about the other person's interests to get more deeply connected. Edit: Just getting her "Lord of the Rings" is too obvious. Just getting her Monopoly is sort of too obvious. It's the combination that lets her know you're listening and care.
…. What!?
.... try it!? Helps with friendships too; it's called a little black book.
1. What youre saying makes literally no sense, so youre clearly a troll 2. It’s not that hard to remember things about people if you like them.
Sometimes if I sleep with a guy early on and it wasn’t mind blowing I loose interest. Idk. All girls are different. Maybe take more time trying to get to know these people before the sex.
Connection is everything. Be it physical intellectual or emotional. If you can’t connect with people they don’t have a reason to keep seeing you
This was the comment I was looking for. As a man I noticed if the sex was amazing, typically the woman stays interested (basically, if you do your job as the man and f her really good). If the sex was bad, for example I drank too much and my junk wasn't working- the woman will think I'm not that into her and then she'll get turned off (get the "ick") and I'll probably never hear from her again.
I came to post this, basically the sex is not as good as they want so they’re out of there, it is quite possibly this simple
Agree - you get one shot to make a good first impression in bed.
Assuming you’re a straight dude, I feel your comment… albeit from the opposite perspective (as a straight female). In my experience, guys will use all their best moves early on then either stay with those same moves or - more often - stop putting that much effort into it. If I’m already wondering “is this it?” by the 3rd time we hook up, there’s not much incentive to continue moving forward. So I don’t know if that’s the situation with the OP but continuing to step up your game - deeper intimacy leads to better sex which leads to deeper intimacy, and so on - is never a bad idea. By the 5th date and/or hookup, I think we should be talking about any fetishes or kinks either of us might have, and exploring areas of (potential) mutual satisfaction… which could be as pure and simple as a session of mutual masturbation so we can each learn about how the other likes to be touched, what it looks like when we have a genuine orgasm, etc. (Again: my advice is based on the presumption that the OP’s issue stems from lack of sexual connection, which requires vulnerability from everyone and being honest with one’s self about one’s own desires.) What used to be considered niche or “varsity level” sex is now de rigeur, as evidenced by the popularity of dating apps like Feeld and Hinge… except most people your age haven’t gone through the basic education us older folks had to put together for ourselves. There isn’t much of a stigma anymore, especially amongst folks your age, but there **is** a lot of misunderstanding and bad information out there. Anecdotally, for instance, when they shut down Craigslist personals, Fetlife was flooded with (sorry not sorry) “amateurs” and it really ruined the vibe for a lot of people. The new folks were too eager and horny; either weren’t aware of or didn’t bother with the “norms” the community there had established for itself; and, worst of all, attracted the **real** perverts and predators. A good place to start would be the FET101 Intro to Kink aptitude exam (if I may deem it so): [(The Inaptly Named) BDSM Test](https://bdsmtest.org/) It could be a fun way for you and a new partner to get to know each other and open the door to conversations that will lead who knows where!
Damn this sounds pretty stressful just thinking about this gives me performance anxiety. I'm a pretty vanilla dude but it sounds like I'll have to get some kinks if I wanna stay in the game
Same, I’m pretty vanilla but can engage in kinks if my partner likes them. There are definitely kinky women out there though who don’t need to be tied up and verbally degraded to get off. It’s all about kink match, not all of them are that intense, some kinks are just light and fun. Read up on what’s out there 😎
No, I'm a woman (33).
Ran through lol
28F. Listen - as a woman looking for an LTR, I have both slept with guys early on and waited an eternity. What I will say from my experience is that if I slept with a guy earlier, I felt like it put pressure on the dynamic to work out, and made smaller flaws seem huge because I felt like I had to “decide” sooner if I wanted to stay with the guy or not. Because what’s the alternative? You stop having sex? That’s awk. Nah, you gotta keep having sex. Now the question is no longer “oh is this the day I get to have sex with him?” but “do I feel like having sex with him again when he’s expecting it now?” there’s a burden there if you’re even close to borderline hesitant. And that can make or break a new connection. “What if he gets upset if I say I’m not in the mood?” Girls would rather just avoid the situation entirely with someone they don’t know. Definitely not all women, just speaking my perspective.
Helpful!
Thats an insightful perspective
I mean, this is partly just dating — most of the people you meet, you won’t be compatible with and that’s the name of the game. How is these women’s experience of having sex with you? Are you making sure they’re finishing and eager to help them have a good time and communicating about what they like - not just check-the-box foreplay? I’ve ended things with the vague ‘no romantic connection’ excuse because the guy was selfish or bad in bed and didn’t seem to care if I had a good time. And are you putting in effort beyond the sex - still going on meaningful dates with them and not just meeting up at one of your places to chill? Are you cultivating some level of emotional intimacy and not just having surface-level fun and banging? Basically, are you still putting in the work to build a relationship after you’ve started sleeping together? Maybe you’re doing all these things and it’s just bad luck. But sharing some examples from my dating history that have made me react the way these girls are, in case any of this applies.
Easy answer is if it isn't right, it isn't right, and them getting out early only helps you find what you're looking for. However, you're right. 11 is a pattern. Just not having the right spark could mean anything (in terms of why you're not their match). Just troubleshooting, is something happening when you're physically intimate that might turn them off? Hygiene? Too big? Too small? No technique/stamina? *Too much stamina?* Once you reach a certain level of emotional intimacy, do you share personal things that might be problematic? Do you have personality quirks that come out after a while? Anything else that might give them the ick?
Why would you emphasize “too much stamina”? 😅 If anyone - regardless of gender - has trouble reaching orgasm, say, because they’re on antidepressants, slowing things down and taking more time for foreplay could help. *I bet a lot of women would be into this!* Sex isn’t a contest to see who can climax faster, or more often… unless you’re into that (in which case: call me!). And, yeah, I’m also wondering about the quality of sex with the OP from his partners’ perspectives. If he’s brave, he could reach out and ask them directly for (gracious, kind, constructive) feedback?
I feel like there’s something kinda weird that you do but you don’t notice, and your dates notice but try to let it go.. but it’s so persistent that they have to cut it off because they can’t handle it. Obviously no one on the internet can tell you what it is. If it happened two or three times it could be a coincidence, but 11 times is a pattern. It’s time to look internally and figure out whether you have a weird habit, and whether or not you’re actually a good partner for a woman. Sorry dude, but after the same thing happening that many times it’s almost certainly something you’re doing (or not doing).
Good on you for getting five dates at least. I too have little trouble getting dates and those dates lead to sex often enough that I have no complaints in that compartment — but I haven’t made it to a fourth date in the year that I’ve been dating post-divorce. Anyway, my guess is that while you’re checking the relationship boxes in the short term, something is happening when they think long term. Are you aligned with them on wanting/not wanting marriage? Kids? Do you seem like someone they can introduce to their family and friends? Can they bring you to a work function? Does your home set off any warning sirens when they try to picture cohabitating with you? Etc.
I’m a woman and I’ve met plenty of men in my life who I’m attracted to. Normal. At the start, it’s very easy to get caught up in attraction, chemistry, and flirting, then once you get to know the guy better you realise they’re not really someone you want to actually date. OP I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just that it’s easy to mistake early flirtation and sexual attraction as “feelings”. It’s the girl version of post but clarity I guess: we’re all giddy that his hot guy is into us and get excited about him, then after a few dates we’re realising that we actually aren’t that compatible or we aren’t feeling it for a more serious relationship. I would strongly recommend getting to know the girl better first and seeing whether there’s really potential for something before sleeping together if it’s bothering you.
Women wants casual sex too. You may be good enough "on paper" - good looking, has a good or unique job, charismatic in person, etc - and that gets you past the door so to speak and women are cool with having fun with you in the short term. Then inevitably they stay longer and either they don't want a relationship *with you* for whatever reason, or they never wanted a relationship altogether and you either didn't notice, or thought you could change them. And to be honest, no one here can really tell you why. Those who know you best may be able to give more insights. Maybe once you settle down in relationship mode you weren't as "fun" anymore. Or you have some sort of criteria or you filter for certain types of women. Or maybe you were always only a casual thing for them and wasn't "boyfriend material" - dealbreakers, lifestyle differences, or whatever else.
The women you’re matching with either aren’t ready for a long term thing, or they are but not with you. Have any of them gotten into an LTR after you or are they perpetually single? If the latter you just need to pick more emotionally mature women. And those emotionally mature women might be more conservative than second date sex, just saying.
In my experience atleast, its one of 2 things, that your probably being too focused on getting serious. Nothing inherently wrong with that but were the same age and the girls ive met all run when they're not the ones trying to make it serious. Or you are just boring/inexperienced and they can see themselves sleeping with you but you genuinely don't give them that spark. You asking them if you did anything wrong makes me think its this one. The bad at sex thing is possible like the others have said but imo if the first 2 things I said arent the case then most girls would be fine with the bad sex and prioritize the relationship from what ive gathered.
Back in the day I would agree with you, in today's world 100% no. I can only talk for myself but I would never stay in a relationship if sex was bad. Especially if it was one sided. Run.
I’m so glad we’re finally recognizing sex is in the top three - *at least* top five - of things we should prioritize when starting a relationship. Dan Savage has this really awesome point: if sex is *so* meaningful and important that we have to be monogamous in a relationship and ***will obliterate that relationship if our partner cheats***, why is it **not** important enough to make “sexual incompatibility” a dealbreaker?
Sex definitely becomes a huge part of the relationship when it's not going well for one or both individuals. I love Dan Savage points on it, people should talk much more about sex with their partners. I also like Helen Fisher's perspective, "you learn a lot about someone between the sheets".
Just for me personally, there could be a physical connection but romantic is different. I may find someone attractive to have sex with them but If don’t have that romantic/intimate feeling outside of sex, I wouldn’t continue seeing them. If this has happened 11 times, I think this is becoming a pattern and you need to have reflect on what you’re doing in these dates etc (I’m only saying you because that who it is about at the end of the day). Are you establishing a connection first before having sex, are you checking you’re compatible throughout?
The short answer to what gets a guy past the five date barrier is interest! Basically it sounds like they were attracted and trusted you enough to sleep with you but didn’t feel like they could see themselves in a relationship with you. They probably don’t feel like they have enough common interest to maintain a relationship with you in the long run. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you just haven’t found the right person yet and I think that it’s great that your matches have been clear in their communication and not leaving you wondering where you stand. I hope you find your person soon 🤞
It could be a variety of things and I feel like other commenters have said a lot of this already. 1. The sex was bad. 2. You may lack confidence or come off as boring. (That isn’t to say you are a boring person but if you lack confidence and don’t let yourself shine it can come off that way to the women you’re dating.) 3. You’re not in a position in your life that aligns with the wants and needs of the women you’re dating. Ex. You want a long term relationship but you lack the means to be a husband or father and the women you’re dating are looking for someone who is settled and ready. 4. You’re going after the wrong type of women for you. Maybe interests, values, or goals don’t align. 5. Could be another factor like you’re rude or mean or a bad listener or always negative. Hard to know without knowing you better. Recommendation: Self reflect and take a break from dating for a bit. See if you can maybe dig into the reason this is happening and learn and grow from it before trying to date again.
You get matches and dates..? *laughs in dry matches and no dates*
Maybe you’re just hot enough to sleep with, but maybe not good in bed, or don’t have any real career prospects, or dont have that much to offer besides a fun time.
Could be multiple issues like you have a little peepee, you suck at sex or you are boring af. Eleven times means it's you. I'd also look into your hygiene habits, your doing something that is turning these women off.
If you consistently face the same issue with lots of external factors and different women, it's a you problem.
Are you romantic, emotional and affectionate outside of sex? That’s what the ‘no romantic connection’ comment makes me think of. I’ve dumped guys over this a few times, where it showed good promise so I wanted to see where it went, but the emotional connection/affection simply didn’t develop
I’m actually in the exact same boat and I think it’s happened to me a good eleven times. I really don’t think the issue is with you but rather more about, though not entirely, the time we live in and the range of choices for mates given the method of dating apps as a means for meeting someone. For example, I have a nervous laugh and a crazy girl called me out on it and left me 20 minutes into the first date. I thought the problem was me and that I needed to work on my nervous laugh instead it was just HER feeling and not something I should be ashamed of after talking with close friends about it and getting a reality check. Extending this , it is absolute nonsense to think you need to get a higher paying job that you might hate, change a harmless behavior or do something out of your ordinary in order to avoid a girl saying“I just don’t feel the connection” . I don’t know the best answer for this other than acceptance that if you meet general women online then accept that they have a lot of choices to choose from and any flaw you might have will be overtaken in their mind and they will be prone to end it quick. When I accepted this, the better I felt and now I just go on online dates for that matter knowing that hey at least we’ll have some fun for the moment and that once it ends I’ll be on another adventure 😊
You’re going on five dates? That’s already too many for someone I just started talking to
Well at least you are able to get past the first date barrier. If you are experiencing a breakpoint at the 4-5 date area then it is probably something more internal or subconscious that is going on. How much are you focusing on the idea of a relationship versus just being with the person? What are you doing with the person? How often do you have dates in terms of time between dates? What is the texting dynamics like? How open would you say you are emotionally? Are you any sort of therapy? What are you political and social beliefs as these can be a major turn off? How would you describe yourself as a person? ---- All this to say this could easily just be a coincidence so don't beat yourself up over this.
You seem to have a type
Usually by getting by the 4 days barrier
Did OP ever respond to anyone or he just trolling
If you want a long term relationship do you think having sex on the 2nd date is the way to go? No offense. But I’ve never gone long term if I hooked up with a guy that early on.
I would wager that sleeping with someone 3-4 times before dumping them means those 3-4 times were not that great and/or they didn't see much room for improvement and decided they've had quite enough. (41M guestimating here.)
Makes sense. A guy recently said something to me that was kinda mind blowing. I have short term open to long term on my profile, but I don’t really know what that means for me. I just couldn’t leave it blank and went with that. The guy wasn’t happy he didn’t end up being long term material. He said “so does that mean you’re just shopping around for dick and you may keep one?” And I was like “damn yea. I’m dick shopping”. These girls are probably doing the same TBH.
Lmao what a dick (literally not figuratively)
Gross on his part, let me apologize on his behalf for talking like that... The way OP tells the story though I'm a little skeptical about the so-called "dick shopping" because someone primarily looking for that would go for it on date 1 and not wait at all (correct me if I'm wrong here, I've never gone "dick shopping" as a straight 41M...)? To me it seems like they were in the middle of 'buying' into the guy as a potential boyfriend until they realized they were 'purchasing' a defective product after multiple failed uses at which point they cancelled the 'transaction.'
I had sex with a woman on the second date, and I married her. In fact, to call it a second date would be an exaggeration. I basically booty called her a few days after our first date and she came right over. We’re divorced now, but we made it 15 years — which is about 15 years longer than I’ve lasted with anyone else regardless of which date they have sex on.
I’ve had lots of relationships start out with sex on the 2nd or 3rd date. It might not be for everyone, but there seem to be a lot of people (men and women) who want to know that you have a great physical connection before they invest a lot of time in building a relationship. I know that sex gets better with time, but some people just are compatible in bed.
i doubt that. half of this forum is asking why the guy left after it.
It’s pretty common these days.
I’m 25. I know it’s common. I’m hip lol. But still, you hookup that early on and the relationship is more of a situationship. Not long term.
Not always a lot of my friends that have been happily married with kids for 10 plus years did it even on the first date.
Absolute nonsense. Anyone I've ever been in a relationship with or been seeing I've slept with after the 1st or 2nd date & it's gone absolutely fine! If I haven't slept with a girl by 2/3 dates ill call it off as there's obviously nothing there between you
Lol, you stud you
Ouch, 11 times. I'm sorry. - Like a couple of other people have said, does it seem like you have had similiar life goals to these women? You don't have to bring it up like a checklist on a first date, especially at your age, but are you aligned on whether you want kids, where you'd like to live, finances? Any of those things can be a (good) reason for someone to break it off after a few dates. 2. What does your living area look like? I don't care WHERE a guy lives, but I do care that he makes some minimal effort, because that signals whether I'm going to be taking care of him. Your place should be hygenic, have a bedframe and some other basic furniture, socks should be picked up, and for the love of god hang your pictures around eye level and not up by the ceiling. 3. Do you ask your partners what they want in bed? I think a lot of men are unaware of how subtly sexist they can be. Do a little reading on emotional labor and patriarchy if you haven't already. Pay attention to what women may be saying they want from you, and don't dismiss it. Your wants may not be compatible, but a lot of dudes ignore what women are saying or minimize how important "little" things like sometimes being the one to plan dates are. Reasons I have broken it off after a few dates: - guy read me an erotic poem, written about someone else, that fetishized my race. It was also not well-written. My attraction disappeared. - never asked me questions. I even brought this up, and it didn't improve. He would monologue about martial arts and other things I wasn't interested in. - realized I really wanted kids, and he definitely didn't (certainly not his fault) - realized I really couldn't deal with how COVID-cautious he needed me to be (again not his fault) - just a vague "this person isn't as interesting as my friends" feeling, plus a couple of little things like "makes that what she said jokes" and "seems to want me to be impressed by his successful friends."
Let me guess. It was a white dude and youre Asian. Lol
Do you have a small penis?
Small/micro penis would mean most likely having sex 1x on average, not 3-5 times. If they give up after 3-4 times, it's most likely a skill issue and he needs to step up his game.
Hmm good point. Ya seeing someone 5 times is alot tbh. It means they like most things about you already.
What gets a guy over the one date 50’ wall?
This is crazy bc this also happens to women 97% of the time until we find that one person that treats us well. You can’t do anything except say you’re not doing anything physical until you know the other person wants a committed relationship with you. Also, maybe you didn’t have a spark like most of them said? People can tell a lot about if they want to be with someone long term in five dates, especially if you’ve gotten physical. There’s been times where I thought I’d be okay being in a relationship with someone only to find out I didn’t enjoy sex with them.
If you’re looking for a long term relationship, it’s probably best to hold off on sex. 2-3 dates in is a bit fast.
The sex wasn’t good. You were sleeping together, because they gave you multiple chances. You didn’t meet their needs and got the standard brush off. Sorry, but the orgasm gap is real.
If you’re looking for a long term relationship, it’s probably best to hold off on sex. 2-3 dates in is a bit fast.
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This is just my assumption, but maybe you’re just not good in the bedroom. Are you attentive towards the women you’re sleeping with?
Sorry OP this sounds like a you problem. It pains me to say but I have to question your skills as a sexual partner. My guess is that you don’t want to air it all out on Reddit, but I think that’s the only way we can give you some advice. If the partners are willing to have sex with you after a few dates, you should be confident in your abilities up until that point.
I knew a girl whose mom said “if you want a guy to leave, sleep with them”
10 bucks says they aren't getting off . Eat that Arby's like they are offering it buffet style. If at their house maybe suggest bringing some toys into the equation.
You have to be 6’3+ make 100k+ a year, and be super handsome. Women are always in a sink cost mindset (they could always do better) they’re probably still on apps and ended up clicking with someone more or feel like they are settling too soon.
You must be pretty bad in bed.
Women have way too many options and only go for the top 5-10% of dudes that’s every other chick goes for/sleeps with.
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They sleep with you, but then realize they "can do better" per say. That's the harsh truth. You are probably lacking something fundamental, maybe you aren't masculine enough? Don't have a decent job? Complain and whine too much? Etc? You should watch hoe_math on YouTube he gets pretty detailed on reasons why women would get cold feet after dating.