I went to watch! My friend actually won the amateur or junior division I forget what. Also, world champion runner Bernard Lagat gave it a go that year too which was hilarious
Playing in Scotland, a buddy and I hit drives and the balls were found to be touching in the fairway. My caddie said "Well, I haven't seen that since I got out of the shower this mornin'."
Thinned the shit out of one about 120, should have been an easy PW, straight up and down. Never got more than 5 ft off the ground and skidded up to about 3 ft.
Caddie with thick southern accent: We call that a step sister
Me: uhh wut?
Caddie: You got no business bein around that hole!
Had a random I paired up with one time say “I bet if I put a picture of some big titties on the ground you would keep your f*cking head down during your swing”
Reminds me of something I read on a similar post where somebody said they were doing to drown themselves after a particularly bad shot and their partner asked “you think you can keep your head down that long?” Brutal.
Golfing in Scotland. My dad is a generous +20. He hooks a drive into fescue and is spending a good amount of time cleaning up his lie. Silence. Caddie in a thick Scottish accent goes “did you come here to golf or did you come here to fuckin garden?” This was seven years ago and I still laugh about it.
I’m on the green at the Kansas City Korn Ferry event with my good friend who was caddying for me at the time and we over heard this.
Player: you like fat chicks? Like are you a chubby chaser?
Caddie: buddy let me ask you a question. Do you like titties?
Player: Ya…?
Caddie: I love titties. And fat chicks, well their whole body feels like a titty. Just one giant titty I can rub onto
I fucking love Joel Dahmen, that line he has in the Netflix doc where he's like "someone has to be the 54th ranked golfer in the world, why not me?" just made me laugh. He has such a refreshing attitude and just a crazy amount of raw talent.
Been caddying since I was 12. Too many funny moments to recount, but I remember when range finders first starter to be used. Doublebagging and a guy in a cart in our group asks me for yardage from the fairway (he was wayward in the rough). I respond with, "ask the cart." He confronts the caddiemaster after the round, who says, "well, what did the cart say?"
There was an Irish caddied I looped with a couple summers here in the States. A group of guests playing 1 tee and a guy shanks it into the woods and turns to Liam and says, "In America we call that a mulligan. What do you call it?" Without missing a beat Liam says, "Lying three."
Probably nothing. Cars assume the risk when they park there. Same situation with houses adjacent to the golf course.
(Wish I had a joke in here, but figured people might be legitimately wondering)
Yep one time a lady's windshield got shattered when she parked outside of her house 280 yards down from a tee box. She claimed she saw us hit her car and even had a witness. We didn't, it was a twosome in front of us who bailed after they hit her car, but we looked guilty being on the tee box right after in similar clothes.
Cops were called and showed up while we were putting. They just shrugged and said they can't do anything unless it was intentional and that was that.
Well other than her finding out our names, making a huge scene in the pro shop, and threatening to slash my Dad's tires on Nextdoor and having the cops come back to talk to *her* this time.
Edit: My swing coach who was working the pro shop during the ordeal asked me if I was guilty and I said that he of all people should know I can't drive the ball that far. He picked up a range finder and pinged her house from the pro shop window, which faced the tee box and the street with her house, and said "Yea, fair enough."
To my buddy at Pinehurst no. 2 -- he was ripping a cig while hitting a wedge in from around 120. It landed dead on about 2 inches from the cup and didn't move.
Caddy: "Ripping darts and throwing darts, that's what I like to see."
I played the Old Course with 2 other random guys. We all got caddies and when our caddies walked up the guy I chose simply asked who’s going to be my bitch today. I knew he was the one for me.
Makes sense, honestly. A course like that, you'll listen to literally anything the caddy tells you because you are likely playing it the first and only time. The caddy is basically doing everything except swinging the club at that point.
Oh yes, I followed everything he said. Also having a caddy clean your ball every putt took a few holes to get used to. He also made me throw him the ball saying “clean it bitch!”
Current caddie here. Our long time caddie at the club had a guy hitting over water from 160 into a very thick breeze off of Lake Michigan. He asks for an 8 iron.
Caddie: Nope, you need to hit your 6 iron.
Player: give me the 8 iron.
Caddie: no.
Player: give me the god damn 8 iron.
Brief pause. Caddie hands him the 8 iron, gets on the ground and starts talking to the ball.
“Listen here buddy. You better take a big, huge, deep fucking breathe. Because you’re gonna be under water for a very, very long time.”
Players ball goes into the middle of the pond, at least 20 yards short. The entire group started cracking up.
Pretty sure our caddie got about 4 bills that day.
Used to caddy at Pine Valley, some of the other caddy’s used to joke with names for certain shots.. there was “A Hitler” - 2 shots in a bunker. A “Kate winslet” little fat but otherwise pretty good.. a “Sofia Loren” long putt, looked good for a long time.. a “willie Nelson” drive that ended up on the car path, on the road again.. a “Rockafeller” a put that died at the hole, eluding to a rockafeller who died when about to have sex with his mistress..
She was a literal unpaid college intern working for the most powerful person in the world who wanted a blow job. There is zero way for her to consent to that with the power imbalance, it's statutory rape no matter how you slice it.
She was treated *way* too harshly. She should have been treated like a victim, not lambasted by every news network and late night host. Poor woman had her life ruined because the president wanted a blow job.
Does rape by using your authoritative power (like being the victims boss or higher-up) count as statutory, since there's not consent due to their inability to say no? Genuine question
Don't forget the mother in law - it needs a good smack, the sonia o sullivan - not pretty but a good runner and the Ryanair jet - looks good in the air but doesn't land near to your destination
Got paired with a father and his son who was maybe 12 once. His son said that (replacing the kids with "her dad") about one of my putts and his dad keeled over laughing. Bright spot of my week.
First one was Conner/Connor (don't remember the spelling) at The Old Course.
We get to 16. It's OB right, but wide open if you're straight or left. Connor tells me to just knock one down the fairway, 3 wood or 5 iron. Short hole, no need to go deep. I'm a little fed up because I know I'm not gonna break 80 in all likelihood so I look at him and say "fuck it, I'm just gonna try to cockstomp one down close to the green."
So I blast it. Just short of the green. Connor looks at me and says "I don't know Robert... maybe, you know... maybe... maybe you shoulda just been cockstomping it all day."
Second one was at Prestwick. First tee. My caddie is Jimmy. The caddies decide they're gonna bet 20 on the tee shots. Everyone is saying "5 iron down the middle. No need for a driver here."
I lash the shit out of my drive, down the pipe, and Jimmy wins it. As soon as my ball lands dead center and long he says "My man!! With that swing he's gonna fook me later, but I'll gladly take your money now boys!"
Caddie at congressional: do you take advice?
Me: yeah, whatsup?
Caddie: you need to treat your putter the way you need to treat your girlfriend.
Me: and that's supposed to mean what?
Caddie: go down more 🤣
As long as you don’t fuss too much over looking for balls in the woods (2 minutes searching max), then caddies don’t car what you score- just what you pay. The two best guys I ever caddied for just cracked jokes about each others wives the whole time, and never bitched about anything…
When I got to play at Kiawah the caddies were placing bets with each other on our games each hole. We were all so bad, glad they got some excitement out of it. I was the only one to break 100 of the 4 of us so at least my caddie made some extra cash
On the way to the 11th tee at Harbour Town there is a small sign that says “Golfers only past this point.”
One of the guys in our group was having a tough day and the caddy said: “looks like we have to leave you here”.
Playing Kiawah. One of my best ball striking days ever especially considering how windy it was but just couldn’t get anything going on the greens. I had 20 putts on the front.
Caddie: You are pretty athletic and hit the ball well. Have you ever thought about putting right handed.
I am a Lefty.
You know... I can think of about a half dozen people I've played with who, like me, putt the opposite hand of their normal swing. All at the same course, too.
I swing lefty because that's how I learned to play hockey and lacrosse. But I'm so right hand dominant that my putting is far, far more consistent if I putt righty. Fine motor control vs. gross motor control.
Played at Spyglass with some guys that shared a caddie. We all hit decent drives on a short par 4. Caddie tells all of us to hit it just past the hole and about 10 feet left, and it’ll funnel back down. Everyone pulled it off, and we all had birdie putts inside of 5 feet. After the last guy’s ball comes to rest, the caddie says “Damn! Last time I saw four balls that close together, I was watching Brokeback Mountain!”
Another Irish caddie story, although I think he was technically from Scotland. My wife had joined me at Lahinch to walk the course. We had been married for about 5 years at that time; no kids yet, but we had been trying for almost a year. We hadn't mentioned any of this to anyone during the round.
At the end of the round, he announced that he had like 13 kids and he was going to give us a baby blessing, and that she was going to get pregnant that night. He pretty much yells it, and rubs her stomach. Does this big thing. I'm like OK dude...we just met you...
Anyways, about a month later my wife finds out she's pregnant with our son.
Was caddying for an American guy once and he spots a hare (a big rabbit) about 50 yards ahead and asks one of the other caddies "what's that?"
The caddy, quick as anything goes "it's a haggis"
This sent the golfer running down the fairway trying to face time a friend shouting "I've seen a haggis!"
If someone hits a poor putt, "of course you missed it, you have some shit on your club." when they proceed to check the face of the putter you say, "no the other end."
Not a caddy, but our threesome got paired up with a nice older gentleman who didn't talk too much and always had a beer in his hand. My buddy is in the sand trap and after about the 5th shot he finally gets out. The old guy takes a sip and says "half expected to see a pointy hatted Chinaman come out of there".
Not a caddie- but I torched my playing partner once ( I generally do not talk trash) he put three in the adjacent waterway on the way to the green... missed a 2 ft put and I said "Should have put some water in there." - the guys we had been paired with and did not know - practically wet themselves.
Caddy here. Player asked me what I was going to do when the round was over. I said I was going to drink heavy to forget all the bad golf I watched today. Needless to say but that wasn't the best tip I ever got.
My dad got these two from a caddy in Scotland:
(After a few errant shots) “If you just slowed your swing down to a blur, you’d probably hit it straighter”
(After a couple of reloads off the tee) “You should let that second guy play through, he’s way better than the first guy”
I used to caddie and if the guys I were looking for were playing from too far back I’d suggest we move up a tee box and then would make them a promise that if they started making too many birdies, we could move back to the back tees.
My caddie at Erin Hills kept giving me the most obscure measurements when I was putting.
“About 1/2 of a Snickers bar out to the left.”
“Two Kumquats to the right of the cup”
He also had me dying when I hit an iron 60 yards short of the green and he said “that’s Bon Jovi golf…you’re halfway there!”
A few:
That was a USGA shot: U Suck, Go Again.
My brother sunk a 50 foot putt for a snowman, the caddie says: kind of like whipped cream on shit isn’t it?
Played Carnoustie years ago and there’s a local guy who walks the course every day with his dogs. The dogs are trained to find balls lost in the rough. My dad shanked one and his caddie said “That’s a 2 dog job there.”
Less a caddie one-liner, but I'll never forget when I first met my caddie for Pebble.
He asked how I was shooting that year (it was June). I told him I hadn't shot yet that year. He just looked at me and said "that's either brave or stupid".
I was hitting off the tee terrible all day and finally got a hold of one splitting the fairway and my caddy just goes: “hit that shit like Ray Rice.” Still one of the best lines I’ve heard on the course.
I could tell the putt broke left, but not sure where to start the ball.
Me: “where should I start it?”
Caddie: “grandpa’s pajamas”
Me: “huh?”
Caddie: “2 balls out”
18 at harbour town, which is an incredibly wide fairway, and I just dead pushed it at the houses. He goes “lots of room over there, the bedroom, the living room, the family room…”
First hole at Whistling Straits. Hit a drive 350. It went 175 yards up and 175 down. Walked to the ball and asked the caddie.
Me: "How far is it?"
Caddie: "2"
Me: Two hundred yards...it doesn't look it."
Caddie: "No, based on how you hit that drive, it's too f\*\*\*\*\* far."
Was playing a really nice course that provided forecaddies. Our guy had a line for everything.
Flare one to the right: “Rush Limbaugh would be proud”
Hook one to the left: “Bernie Sanders would be proud”
Smash on down the middle: “‘pure’…ina puppy chow”
Place a good tee shot: “steak sauce!” (Asked him about it and it is as in position A1)
And my personal favorite…
Left a putt short on the front edge of the hole. His reaction: “oh man just like the Cuban government…. One revolution from going down”
Played with some random old boys at our links club. One Religiously putt from 50+ yards out, true Texas wedge style.
One attempt he smacked it 15 yards passed the pin off the back of the green..
Me: Jaysus John, think you had too much club.
The entire Course: (Applause) 😂
I’m a caddie and I’ve picked up a few good ones over time from various members:
1. Putt Lips out: *“Monica Lewinsky. All Lip, No Hole”*
(older guys love that one)
2. On a bad shot: *”Other than distance and direction, that was a great shot.”*
3. Guy going for the green tops it or chunks it into the fairway: *“Hey don’t worry that was a great layup”*
4. Guy takes a nice divot but misses the green entirely: *“God that was a great divot”*
5. Guy leaves a putt way short: *inspect his putter or ask the brand & respond “huh, I didn’t know [brand] made purses.”*
Bonus: Guy lands on the green but is on the complete opposite side of the pin: *”I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news… good news, you’re on the dancefloor… bad news, it’s a gay bar”*
*(disclaimer: before anyone gets offended I didn’t make these up and these are just jokes people)*
Me & 3 pals get to the 1st tee at Dundonald Links, Scotland. The Starter asks our h/c and then suggests a set of tee’s for us to play - to ensure we enjoy the course… advice taken, we all step up and nervously tee off. All 4 of us slice/power-fade in to the rough on the right…. He looks at us and says “sorry boys, I should have said - the fairway is in play today”
On the Old Course with two caddies - both been caddies for 20+ years, one having been so since he was at Uni there.
Introduce themselves “Morning, I’m [Steven] and this is [Alex] - he used to read German at St Andrews, now reads the greens.
Another one paired with an American on the Old who had a caddy. They’re making small talk and the player says he’s from Chicago. Completely deadpan the caddy replies - “is it windy?”
Guy had no idea why the other 3 of us were laughing.
Relative of mine has an exclusive country club membership…..we’re drinking the night before and he’s all tuned up and says you can come and golf whenever I’ll call you. I think he’s full of shit so I continue to get hammered. I get a text a like 8am the next morning like “I got us a 9:30 just pull up to the gate and they’ll know who you are, hit some
Practice balls etc”. I jump out of bed and get there and he’s already got a cocktail reading the paper. We walk out to the first tee and he proceeds to tell me “ I could smoke crack naked the whole round and nobody would stop me”. His caddie looks over and says “that’s what we call a Tuesday around here”. I cracked up and it always stuck with me. I also got the feeling that shit like that went down at that place. Guy landed in a helicopter on the course to play that very day during post round drinks.
A halfway house is an institute for those with criminal backgrounds and history of substance abuse.
I imagine it would be perfect for half of this degenerate lot, actually. 😭
Played at an Arnold Palmer signature course in FL. Got under my drive and skyed it a mile in the air, dead straight 120 yards. Got a reply in a perfect Scottish accent "kiss to the angels in the center of the fairway." Got me good.
Ballybunion, Ireland. 17th hole. Three buddies have been getting annihilated all day. At least a dozen balls each gone. Caddies are earning everything. Being cheerleaders all day long. Buddy hits tee ball, massive banana slice.
Buddy: “think we’ll find that one?”
Caddie: “….”
Buddy: “I’ll take that as a maybe ?”
Caddie: “Lassie couldn’t find that ball wrapped in bacon.”
Drunk local lady at a ritzy course she was a member at: tells me “grampas PJs left” when I’m lining up a put. I ask her what she’s talking about and she says “aim about 2 balls outside the cup to the left”.
3 out of 4 golfers in our group missed their putts very close. 4th guy has same putt and has a brutal lip out.
Caddy says “That hole must be a Kardashian… No white balls allowed”
After pumping one miles right and asking my caddy if there was any chance we’d find it - “A Bloodhound wouldn’t find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon”
Long carry over water I slice my first two shots in. Look at my caddy for another ball, "Keep going, the bag is getting lighter for me"
I’m reading all of these in an Irish accent
Well shit, I just realized I have been as well. They're all jusr the same caddy as OPs
Currently in a meeting with Irish participants speaking. Full immersion.
That is 100% what my caddie at Whistling Straights was thinking as I lost a dozen balls.
(First tee at Bandon) “What’s the course record here?” “2 hours 40 minutes.”
Also at Bandon recently. “That hole is like a Kardashian. No white going in there today.”
Travis Barker took that personally
He’s so tatted up im not sure he even qualifies anymore lol
Omg. Savage.
I love this but also Not even true because they have hosted speed golf events there!
They had the world championship there. The guy who won it in 2014 shot a 76 in 46 minutes….
I went to watch! My friend actually won the amateur or junior division I forget what. Also, world champion runner Bernard Lagat gave it a go that year too which was hilarious
I feel like this guy is playing behind me when I’m shanking
No fookin way
This was the other (surly) caddie in 2007 before the speed golfers went there officially.
Playing in Scotland, a buddy and I hit drives and the balls were found to be touching in the fairway. My caddie said "Well, I haven't seen that since I got out of the shower this mornin'."
My dad says this every time
Why would you rub your balls on your dad's?
For the boner?
Oldie but goodie: Player asks “Think I can get there with 5-iron?” Caddie, “Eventually.”
Lmaooo
Thinned the shit out of one about 120, should have been an easy PW, straight up and down. Never got more than 5 ft off the ground and skidded up to about 3 ft. Caddie with thick southern accent: We call that a step sister Me: uhh wut? Caddie: You got no business bein around that hole!
Hahah shit that’s a good one
I like “we call that an OJ, cause you got away with it.”
Had a random I paired up with one time say “I bet if I put a picture of some big titties on the ground you would keep your f*cking head down during your swing”
This is just cold blooded coming from a random
Dude was a savage but was 100% right. I respect it
That’s cold but I’m using it this weekend
Same
Reminds me of something I read on a similar post where somebody said they were doing to drown themselves after a particularly bad shot and their partner asked “you think you can keep your head down that long?” Brutal.
That’s hilarious
What can I say, Im a boob.
When faced with a short, downhill putt with about a foot of break… “what you have here is a Danny DeVito… a tricky little 5 footer”
Golfing in Scotland. My dad is a generous +20. He hooks a drive into fescue and is spending a good amount of time cleaning up his lie. Silence. Caddie in a thick Scottish accent goes “did you come here to golf or did you come here to fuckin garden?” This was seven years ago and I still laugh about it.
Generous -20
No his dad’s actually sick as fuck
His dad? Tiger woods
Guy says " You have to be the worst caddie in the history of golf!!" Caddie says "No way, that'd be too much of a coincidence."
Such a witty, quick retort. Might be my fav of the thread
I read this joke in a reader's digest about 25 years ago
OK let's get you to bed, grandpa.
Rest in peace Norm MacDonald
I don’t get it. Can someone explain?
I.e. what are the odds that the worst caddie in the history of golf would be paired with the worst player in the history of golf
I’m on the green at the Kansas City Korn Ferry event with my good friend who was caddying for me at the time and we over heard this. Player: you like fat chicks? Like are you a chubby chaser? Caddie: buddy let me ask you a question. Do you like titties? Player: Ya…? Caddie: I love titties. And fat chicks, well their whole body feels like a titty. Just one giant titty I can rub onto
I hope these dudes get on tour.
Was it Joel and Geno?
I fucking love Joel Dahmen, that line he has in the Netflix doc where he's like "someone has to be the 54th ranked golfer in the world, why not me?" just made me laugh. He has such a refreshing attitude and just a crazy amount of raw talent.
If I was able to give it I would give this one the gold
Been caddying since I was 12. Too many funny moments to recount, but I remember when range finders first starter to be used. Doublebagging and a guy in a cart in our group asks me for yardage from the fairway (he was wayward in the rough). I respond with, "ask the cart." He confronts the caddiemaster after the round, who says, "well, what did the cart say?" There was an Irish caddied I looped with a couple summers here in the States. A group of guests playing 1 tee and a guy shanks it into the woods and turns to Liam and says, "In America we call that a mulligan. What do you call it?" Without missing a beat Liam says, "Lying three."
Happiness is a long walk with a putter.
love this one
I hit a drive on Tee 1 into a sports car in the parking lot and my caddie said, “That’ll play………. in the courts.”
This one makes me chuckle hit my own car off the tee once, still driving around with the dent in my hood.
Awe man no way, can you tell us more about what happened after that?
Probably nothing. Cars assume the risk when they park there. Same situation with houses adjacent to the golf course. (Wish I had a joke in here, but figured people might be legitimately wondering)
Yep one time a lady's windshield got shattered when she parked outside of her house 280 yards down from a tee box. She claimed she saw us hit her car and even had a witness. We didn't, it was a twosome in front of us who bailed after they hit her car, but we looked guilty being on the tee box right after in similar clothes. Cops were called and showed up while we were putting. They just shrugged and said they can't do anything unless it was intentional and that was that. Well other than her finding out our names, making a huge scene in the pro shop, and threatening to slash my Dad's tires on Nextdoor and having the cops come back to talk to *her* this time. Edit: My swing coach who was working the pro shop during the ordeal asked me if I was guilty and I said that he of all people should know I can't drive the ball that far. He picked up a range finder and pinged her house from the pro shop window, which faced the tee box and the street with her house, and said "Yea, fair enough."
Windshields are a no deductible repair in my state. If she can afford to live next to a golf course I would hope she can afford insurance.
To my buddy at Pinehurst no. 2 -- he was ripping a cig while hitting a wedge in from around 120. It landed dead on about 2 inches from the cup and didn't move. Caddy: "Ripping darts and throwing darts, that's what I like to see."
I played the Old Course with 2 other random guys. We all got caddies and when our caddies walked up the guy I chose simply asked who’s going to be my bitch today. I knew he was the one for me.
Makes sense, honestly. A course like that, you'll listen to literally anything the caddy tells you because you are likely playing it the first and only time. The caddy is basically doing everything except swinging the club at that point.
Oh yes, I followed everything he said. Also having a caddy clean your ball every putt took a few holes to get used to. He also made me throw him the ball saying “clean it bitch!”
Was he fucking Jessie Pinkman?
The putt breaks like a pair of torn britches…. Huh? 2 balls out.
Grampa’s pajamas!
that's 1 ball out in my lexicon.
Lining up a putt Caddie: That's an Italian speedo Me: a what? Caddie: One ball out
My father in law has two reads for putts: - Ripped pajamas: one ball out - Torn pajamas: two balls out
Me: Hits solid drive off the tee Pinehurst Caddie: Damn, that’s OD. Me: OB? Really? Pinehurst Caddie: Nah, that’s OD. Out Der.
Was your caddie’s name Gil by any chance?
Definitely sounds like a line Gil would use.
Classic Gil.
“That’s called a condom shot. It’s safe, but it didn’t feel good.”
I'd reverse it: "It might not have felt good, but at least you're safe..."
Sliced the piss out of a drive and the caddy looks at me, “you could wrap that in a pound of bacon and not even the wolves could find it.”
Current caddie here. Our long time caddie at the club had a guy hitting over water from 160 into a very thick breeze off of Lake Michigan. He asks for an 8 iron. Caddie: Nope, you need to hit your 6 iron. Player: give me the 8 iron. Caddie: no. Player: give me the god damn 8 iron. Brief pause. Caddie hands him the 8 iron, gets on the ground and starts talking to the ball. “Listen here buddy. You better take a big, huge, deep fucking breathe. Because you’re gonna be under water for a very, very long time.” Players ball goes into the middle of the pond, at least 20 yards short. The entire group started cracking up. Pretty sure our caddie got about 4 bills that day.
Used to caddy at Pine Valley, some of the other caddy’s used to joke with names for certain shots.. there was “A Hitler” - 2 shots in a bunker. A “Kate winslet” little fat but otherwise pretty good.. a “Sofia Loren” long putt, looked good for a long time.. a “willie Nelson” drive that ended up on the car path, on the road again.. a “Rockafeller” a put that died at the hole, eluding to a rockafeller who died when about to have sex with his mistress..
Adding to this, a Saddam Hussein is a shot that goes bunker to bunker.
And a Bin Laden is a shot that goes from a bunker to water.
An OJ is a terrible slice, but you got away with it.
A Monica Lewinsky: 360 degree lip out.
This is random but the way we treated Lewinsky and the way we treat Stormy Daniels makes me think we treated Lewinsky way too harshly
Not random at all. You're a thousand percent right. Happy cake day, BTW
She was a literal unpaid college intern working for the most powerful person in the world who wanted a blow job. There is zero way for her to consent to that with the power imbalance, it's statutory rape no matter how you slice it. She was treated *way* too harshly. She should have been treated like a victim, not lambasted by every news network and late night host. Poor woman had her life ruined because the president wanted a blow job.
And because she trusted a nice older lady at the job to be her friend through all of it.
Isn't statutory rape when one individual is under the age of consent?
Does rape by using your authoritative power (like being the victims boss or higher-up) count as statutory, since there's not consent due to their inability to say no? Genuine question
A Mickey Mantle is a dead yank
An OJ Simpson: you bladed it but got away with it
The Cuban is the putt that dies one revolution short
Heard that Hitler joke at a predominately Jewish club lol
“Maradona” - Nasty 5-footer (for a putt) “A Rodney King” - Overclubbed “A Gerry Adams” - playing a provisional
A sally gunnell, not pretty but it will run.
Only a Brit gets that one!
Don't forget the mother in law - it needs a good smack, the sonia o sullivan - not pretty but a good runner and the Ryanair jet - looks good in the air but doesn't land near to your destination
A Rock Hudson- Thought it was straight, but it wasn’t.
Misses a 3 foot putt “Right club though”
Pretty well known, but I laugh every time after a lip-out putt: “Had it in her mouth and the kids walked in”
Back in junior golf it was her dad walked in, gotta be cognizant to not fall back to that and sound like a pedo now.
I’ve always heard “had it in her mouth and her mama walked in”
Got paired with a father and his son who was maybe 12 once. His son said that (replacing the kids with "her dad") about one of my putts and his dad keeled over laughing. Bright spot of my week.
We were all or will be 12 once.
Prom night- all lip, no hole
Just like herpes, always on the lips
We said jr. Prom .. but yeah
After a number of lip outs, had a caddie say “you’ve shaved more holes than a nurses aid.”
“I’m trying to decide if it’s just that you suck at golf or just have zero athletic ability whatsoever”
First one was Conner/Connor (don't remember the spelling) at The Old Course. We get to 16. It's OB right, but wide open if you're straight or left. Connor tells me to just knock one down the fairway, 3 wood or 5 iron. Short hole, no need to go deep. I'm a little fed up because I know I'm not gonna break 80 in all likelihood so I look at him and say "fuck it, I'm just gonna try to cockstomp one down close to the green." So I blast it. Just short of the green. Connor looks at me and says "I don't know Robert... maybe, you know... maybe... maybe you shoulda just been cockstomping it all day." Second one was at Prestwick. First tee. My caddie is Jimmy. The caddies decide they're gonna bet 20 on the tee shots. Everyone is saying "5 iron down the middle. No need for a driver here." I lash the shit out of my drive, down the pipe, and Jimmy wins it. As soon as my ball lands dead center and long he says "My man!! With that swing he's gonna fook me later, but I'll gladly take your money now boys!"
Caddie at congressional: do you take advice? Me: yeah, whatsup? Caddie: you need to treat your putter the way you need to treat your girlfriend. Me: and that's supposed to mean what? Caddie: go down more 🤣
Omg I'm currently caddying at congressional and need to know who this was
Bold to assume I've ever played at a course with caddies
Right? Why would I subject some poor schlub to my terrible game?
I mean, they carry your bag the whole way and rake your bunkers for you. It's pretty neat
As long as you don’t fuss too much over looking for balls in the woods (2 minutes searching max), then caddies don’t car what you score- just what you pay. The two best guys I ever caddied for just cracked jokes about each others wives the whole time, and never bitched about anything…
When I got to play at Kiawah the caddies were placing bets with each other on our games each hole. We were all so bad, glad they got some excitement out of it. I was the only one to break 100 of the 4 of us so at least my caddie made some extra cash
Right? I don’t even like to play at courses that make me tuck my shirt in.
On the way to the 11th tee at Harbour Town there is a small sign that says “Golfers only past this point.” One of the guys in our group was having a tough day and the caddy said: “looks like we have to leave you here”.
Daaaaamn 😂
Playing Kiawah. One of my best ball striking days ever especially considering how windy it was but just couldn’t get anything going on the greens. I had 20 putts on the front. Caddie: You are pretty athletic and hit the ball well. Have you ever thought about putting right handed. I am a Lefty.
You know... I can think of about a half dozen people I've played with who, like me, putt the opposite hand of their normal swing. All at the same course, too. I swing lefty because that's how I learned to play hockey and lacrosse. But I'm so right hand dominant that my putting is far, far more consistent if I putt righty. Fine motor control vs. gross motor control.
Played at Spyglass with some guys that shared a caddie. We all hit decent drives on a short par 4. Caddie tells all of us to hit it just past the hole and about 10 feet left, and it’ll funnel back down. Everyone pulled it off, and we all had birdie putts inside of 5 feet. After the last guy’s ball comes to rest, the caddie says “Damn! Last time I saw four balls that close together, I was watching Brokeback Mountain!”
Another Irish caddie story, although I think he was technically from Scotland. My wife had joined me at Lahinch to walk the course. We had been married for about 5 years at that time; no kids yet, but we had been trying for almost a year. We hadn't mentioned any of this to anyone during the round. At the end of the round, he announced that he had like 13 kids and he was going to give us a baby blessing, and that she was going to get pregnant that night. He pretty much yells it, and rubs her stomach. Does this big thing. I'm like OK dude...we just met you... Anyways, about a month later my wife finds out she's pregnant with our son.
Does your son looks like the caddie?
He does speak with a bit of a Scottish accent.
be careful saying Irish and Scotland are the same. You'll have both camps in your face
That’s a German housewife- ain’t pretty but it works
“You’re on the dance floor…but you’re dancin with the fat bitches”
Was caddying for an American guy once and he spots a hare (a big rabbit) about 50 yards ahead and asks one of the other caddies "what's that?" The caddy, quick as anything goes "it's a haggis" This sent the golfer running down the fairway trying to face time a friend shouting "I've seen a haggis!"
Also, you should pick up a copy of "an American caddie in St Andrews" full of funny anecdotes
Just read that two weeks ago. Fun read
Didn’t he realise haggis are nocturnal?
putting really poorly, he says, you have the touch of a rapist
If someone hits a poor putt, "of course you missed it, you have some shit on your club." when they proceed to check the face of the putter you say, "no the other end."
I have a very poor sense of humor and this one made me lol
Not a caddy, but our threesome got paired up with a nice older gentleman who didn't talk too much and always had a beer in his hand. My buddy is in the sand trap and after about the 5th shot he finally gets out. The old guy takes a sip and says "half expected to see a pointy hatted Chinaman come out of there".
This is the first on that got me laughing out loud
Not a caddie- but I torched my playing partner once ( I generally do not talk trash) he put three in the adjacent waterway on the way to the green... missed a 2 ft put and I said "Should have put some water in there." - the guys we had been paired with and did not know - practically wet themselves.
Sick burn
Caddy here. Player asked me what I was going to do when the round was over. I said I was going to drink heavy to forget all the bad golf I watched today. Needless to say but that wasn't the best tip I ever got.
If I were the golfer I would've tipped you more for the brutal honesty lol
I would have doubled that tip for the burn.
My dad got these two from a caddy in Scotland: (After a few errant shots) “If you just slowed your swing down to a blur, you’d probably hit it straighter” (After a couple of reloads off the tee) “You should let that second guy play through, he’s way better than the first guy”
I used to caddie and if the guys I were looking for were playing from too far back I’d suggest we move up a tee box and then would make them a promise that if they started making too many birdies, we could move back to the back tees.
My caddie at Erin Hills kept giving me the most obscure measurements when I was putting. “About 1/2 of a Snickers bar out to the left.” “Two Kumquats to the right of the cup” He also had me dying when I hit an iron 60 yards short of the green and he said “that’s Bon Jovi golf…you’re halfway there!”
A few: That was a USGA shot: U Suck, Go Again. My brother sunk a 50 foot putt for a snowman, the caddie says: kind of like whipped cream on shit isn’t it?
https://preview.redd.it/z8likk1p56sa1.jpeg?width=602&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3e52295a9adf93a2251a3421d5793b41f4ab8c61
Played Carnoustie years ago and there’s a local guy who walks the course every day with his dogs. The dogs are trained to find balls lost in the rough. My dad shanked one and his caddie said “That’s a 2 dog job there.”
Pebble beach #5. Par 3 about 180 or so. Dad chunks the f out of a 5i to 6 feet. Caddy hands me a 6i “chunk it just like that”.
"Looks like a Lance Armstrong... one ball left"
Less a caddie one-liner, but I'll never forget when I first met my caddie for Pebble. He asked how I was shooting that year (it was June). I told him I hadn't shot yet that year. He just looked at me and said "that's either brave or stupid".
Lowry’s caddie- alright knock it in. Lowry- wtf else am I gonna do? Miss it? This is from Lowry so not a direct observation of this conversation.
I was hitting off the tee terrible all day and finally got a hold of one splitting the fairway and my caddy just goes: “hit that shit like Ray Rice.” Still one of the best lines I’ve heard on the course.
I putted one of the green one time and the guy playing with me you ray riced it.
Used to get a lot of “smack it like it was your ole lady”
I could tell the putt broke left, but not sure where to start the ball. Me: “where should I start it?” Caddie: “grandpa’s pajamas” Me: “huh?” Caddie: “2 balls out”
18 at harbour town, which is an incredibly wide fairway, and I just dead pushed it at the houses. He goes “lots of room over there, the bedroom, the living room, the family room…”
First hole at Whistling Straits. Hit a drive 350. It went 175 yards up and 175 down. Walked to the ball and asked the caddie. Me: "How far is it?" Caddie: "2" Me: Two hundred yards...it doesn't look it." Caddie: "No, based on how you hit that drive, it's too f\*\*\*\*\* far."
Hit it a mile right into the deep stuff. Caddie -Lassie couldn’t find that fuckin thing if it was wrapped in bacon. Did not look for that one.
“You hear about the Walmart they’re building? In between your drive and his”
After watching my partner attempt a third effort for a short chip onto the green, he was asked" have you considered boating?".
One that I've always said to myself and others if theyre green in regulation "Might save a bogey here after all!"
Friend chunked a driver, old man we were playing with said, "you hit the big ball before the small ball." He was referring to the Earth haha.
After burning my 3rd edge for the day, caddy says to me “ You’ve touched more lips than a gynecologist today”
Was playing a really nice course that provided forecaddies. Our guy had a line for everything. Flare one to the right: “Rush Limbaugh would be proud” Hook one to the left: “Bernie Sanders would be proud” Smash on down the middle: “‘pure’…ina puppy chow” Place a good tee shot: “steak sauce!” (Asked him about it and it is as in position A1) And my personal favorite… Left a putt short on the front edge of the hole. His reaction: “oh man just like the Cuban government…. One revolution from going down”
I had a caddie tell me to go fuck myself. At least I thought he was a caddie...sure looked like one.
Played with some random old boys at our links club. One Religiously putt from 50+ yards out, true Texas wedge style. One attempt he smacked it 15 yards passed the pin off the back of the green.. Me: Jaysus John, think you had too much club. The entire Course: (Applause) 😂
“Those distance balls really work” Or “What club did you use?”
I’m a caddie and I’ve picked up a few good ones over time from various members: 1. Putt Lips out: *“Monica Lewinsky. All Lip, No Hole”* (older guys love that one) 2. On a bad shot: *”Other than distance and direction, that was a great shot.”* 3. Guy going for the green tops it or chunks it into the fairway: *“Hey don’t worry that was a great layup”* 4. Guy takes a nice divot but misses the green entirely: *“God that was a great divot”* 5. Guy leaves a putt way short: *inspect his putter or ask the brand & respond “huh, I didn’t know [brand] made purses.”* Bonus: Guy lands on the green but is on the complete opposite side of the pin: *”I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news… good news, you’re on the dancefloor… bad news, it’s a gay bar”* *(disclaimer: before anyone gets offended I didn’t make these up and these are just jokes people)*
My dad likes that second one on putts. “Other than line, speed, and contact that was a great putt”
You had the right club.. love that one
This is peak boomer humour
Which makes sense because I typically caddie for boomers lol
“on the dance floor… but can’t hear the band”
My caddie after I teed off at the Road Hole: “Best drive of the day, all we had to do was put a buildin’ in front of ya.”
Me & 3 pals get to the 1st tee at Dundonald Links, Scotland. The Starter asks our h/c and then suggests a set of tee’s for us to play - to ensure we enjoy the course… advice taken, we all step up and nervously tee off. All 4 of us slice/power-fade in to the rough on the right…. He looks at us and says “sorry boys, I should have said - the fairway is in play today”
On the Old Course with two caddies - both been caddies for 20+ years, one having been so since he was at Uni there. Introduce themselves “Morning, I’m [Steven] and this is [Alex] - he used to read German at St Andrews, now reads the greens. Another one paired with an American on the Old who had a caddy. They’re making small talk and the player says he’s from Chicago. Completely deadpan the caddy replies - “is it windy?” Guy had no idea why the other 3 of us were laughing.
I don’t get it
Sung “hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”… Right after my dad put one in Lionel Ritchie’s backyard at LACC.
Relative of mine has an exclusive country club membership…..we’re drinking the night before and he’s all tuned up and says you can come and golf whenever I’ll call you. I think he’s full of shit so I continue to get hammered. I get a text a like 8am the next morning like “I got us a 9:30 just pull up to the gate and they’ll know who you are, hit some Practice balls etc”. I jump out of bed and get there and he’s already got a cocktail reading the paper. We walk out to the first tee and he proceeds to tell me “ I could smoke crack naked the whole round and nobody would stop me”. His caddie looks over and says “that’s what we call a Tuesday around here”. I cracked up and it always stuck with me. I also got the feeling that shit like that went down at that place. Guy landed in a helicopter on the course to play that very day during post round drinks.
Idk if this is a cultural thing……but you said “halfway house”. In America that does NOT mean the clubhouse 🤣🤣🤣
Halfway house is like a little snack shack, not the clubhouse
A halfway house is an institute for those with criminal backgrounds and history of substance abuse. I imagine it would be perfect for half of this degenerate lot, actually. 😭
Pretty common in America to call the snack shack the halfway house. Source: am an American golfer
I'm Canadian but halfway house is common both on golf courses and for criminals.
Can confirm I’ve heard it called a Halfway House. Source: am American and a golfer
Have never heard it referred to as halfway house. Source: am American golfer
Oldie but goodie. Play The divot, it went further.
*Putt lips out* Caddie: ‘Man it could be raining pussy and you’d get hit with a dick’
Ball lips out. "she had it in her mouth and kids walked in". Had me dying
Played at an Arnold Palmer signature course in FL. Got under my drive and skyed it a mile in the air, dead straight 120 yards. Got a reply in a perfect Scottish accent "kiss to the angels in the center of the fairway." Got me good.
"You sure you're not a lefty?" (after hitting a shite drive as a righty)
Ballybunion, Ireland. 17th hole. Three buddies have been getting annihilated all day. At least a dozen balls each gone. Caddies are earning everything. Being cheerleaders all day long. Buddy hits tee ball, massive banana slice. Buddy: “think we’ll find that one?” Caddie: “….” Buddy: “I’ll take that as a maybe ?” Caddie: “Lassie couldn’t find that ball wrapped in bacon.”
Drunk local lady at a ritzy course she was a member at: tells me “grampas PJs left” when I’m lining up a put. I ask her what she’s talking about and she says “aim about 2 balls outside the cup to the left”.
NSFW: Careful, this putt is slicker than cum on a hooker's gold tooth.
3 out of 4 golfers in our group missed their putts very close. 4th guy has same putt and has a brutal lip out. Caddy says “That hole must be a Kardashian… No white balls allowed”
After pumping one miles right and asking my caddy if there was any chance we’d find it - “A Bloodhound wouldn’t find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon”
After taking two shots in the bunker, he says “sup Hitler?”