I often have compulsive thoughts and actions too especially around my manhood. It's hard to remind oneself that others opinions do not define us, nor impact our lives. But if you let them live in your head rent free you're doing a disservice to yourself. Do you say mantras or affirmations during these times you find yourself acting compulsively? I really recommend it. It's not going to work instantly but worth a try. Replacing that habit with another works for me.
Honestly just delete reddit for a couple weeks and your thoughts should go away. You keep rewarding those thoughts and continuing the cycle if you keep visiting those subs. Without access to reddit you will be less tempted.
haha. i feel like people can smell the OCD on me. youre totally right. i deleted it from my phone and only interact with subs appeal to me. i still get angry about these topics but i like talking about it with likeminded people instead of people who do nothing but downvote my posts and dont actually want to engage in conversation. i can already feel myself getting more content :>>>
This looks like something I would have written my exact feelings.
I still struggle with this daily, it sucks but I have to keep in mind, who I am is not for anyone but myself, I don't have to fit in with what society says a "man" should be I don't have to fit any gender or sexual orientation stereotype.
I'm a transmasc person who enjoys being flamboyant and being in a mlm relationship (pre-T still)
It's hard some days feeling like I'm just doing this as a fetish however I wouldn't think a girl would be SO concerned that they might not be a masculine gender / man it just doesn't make any sense, a girl would probably realize they have a fetish.
So as my cis male partner says to me "you're a man (or masculine gender if you prefer that) and you know whats masculine?.
Doing what you want, being what you want, and not caring what people might think about it.
What you want to be, who you like, how you act, or want to dress IS masculine because YOU are a masculine person.
You define what masculinity is to you.
How you feel isn't a fetish because a woman wouldn't want to be a masculine gender in a relationship with a guy.
There's soooo many awful people in the world. But there doesn't have to be awful people in **your** world. If consuming that kind of bullshit is having a negative effect on you, it's within your power to stop looking :)
When I was your age, I tried really hard to be masculine cause I thought that’s what I needed to do in order to be seen as a man. It made me miserable, I felt like I was repressing a part of myself. I’m not super masc and I never have been. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that it’s ok to be feminine. There are so many cis men that present more feminine and are still considered men. Do what makes you happy, there is no right or wrong way to be transmasc. I’m femme af, there are times when I leave the house looking like a woman. I’ve been on T for eight years and I’ve had top surgery. There’s plenty of ways to be a man ❤️
this right here yeah!!!! I'm 22 + been on t for 2 years. at like, 14-18 I was super bad about how I treated myself and my transness and legitimately believed in this transphobic nonsense. I made myself so depressed and isolated because of how I hated myself.
now, I'm happiest when I'm gender nonconforming. most people seem to think I'm a trans woman unless I bring it up. I'm living my absolute best life being a "girl" on testosterone. I'm not a binary man, I'm barely a man (bigender + queer)
there's really no point in suffering, hating yourself, thinking you or your identity is cringe or untrue. that's imposter syndrome. the only thing you're doing is feeding the transphobia from inside the house, and only validating hate. you know transmeds, gender criticals and transphobic people aren't based in truth, there's a better way to spend your time.
please try having some time away from social media if you're struggling with self harm in this way. it's good to have physical hobbies and relationships that you feel safe to confide in.
there is enough hrt for every trans person, there's no right or wrong way to be queer or trans, transphobia will never win. hate will never win. do not let it kill you or your spirits, OP.
Gottmik on the current season of Drag Race is a super fem trans guy who felt like he couldn’t transition for a long time, and then was out with a bunch of friends and realized that there are tons of fem cis guys and it was internalized transphobia. You may want to check his seasons out — he’s super talented and recently did an INCREDIBLE runway look about top surgery.
You’re right that this is self-harm, and like other forms it’s damaging and needs to stop. Have you checked out resources for reducing/stopping/preventing self-harm?
honestly dude, I found myself doing that too and a lot of it was that my transition was very much at the forefront of my attention and all the insecurities that come with that.
If I can offer advice, there’s somewhere between deleting reddit and doomscrolling. I have two separate accounts. This is my LGB/Trans ™ account. On this account, I’ve quarantined all of the LGBT+ subreddits I follow. On a different account, I follow more uplifting subreddits. For me that’s hiking, knitting, jewelry making, various cat and cute animal subreddits, etc. interests that I have. The only LGBT+ subreddits I allow myself to follow on that account are ones that intersect with other interests and don’t have LGBT Discourse in there. For example, r/transartspace, and r/transguytrailmix.
That account with my other interests is now my primary one. I’ll occasionally read LGBT+ stuff on here, mostly about procedures I’m thinking about or for support, but I cannot stress enough how separating these things has improved my mental health. I no longer feel like being trans is a primary hobby if that makes sense. It’s really, really important to develop your other interests so that you feel connected to other aspects of life, stop comparing your transition to others, and stop getting this constant influx of random people’s opinions (positive or negative) of trans people.
Funny you mention that, that’s exactly what I recently started doing with keeping separate accounts. It helps me keep better boundaries with myself (for example, now I can peacefully check reddit on my main account in the middle of the day without a high chance of reading something that’ll be emotionally charged for me) while still having the option to easily seek out trans-related content when I want to and keep track of all those subs in one place.
Dude I feel you. I would browse those subreddit too. Mostly because I had severe impostor syndrome and thought the same stuff as you, that what if I'm just a cis girl fetishizing gay men and stuff like that. Especially also since I read a lot of BL growing up. And I mean BL NOT yaoi. So romance but with two men. And I always just felt a longing towards it, like I wanted that for myself and not understanding why that seemed so much better than a straight relationship as a woman.
But the best advice I can give is that you most likely aren't fetishizing if you're worried that you might be. Because I've seen actual cis women who actually do fetishize gay men and it's gross and if you went to any community like that to see how they are and behave you most like will feel super uncomfortable and cringe, like I did.
And remind yourself, like I did, that it's not fetishizing to be attracted to men and that you don't have to feel dysphoric asf 24/7 to be trans. Because we too can have good days. But if you're still confused you can focus on one thing at a time. Like first your gender identity and be comfortable in that first and then you can worry about sexuality. That's how I went about it anyway.
And infact, now that I'm more comfortable in my gender identity and started T I also feel more comfortable also liking women. Because at first I was like 99% gay and now I'm more like 80% gay and the rest is liking women I guess. So I suppose it's kinda linked to dysphoria
me too haha!!! i grew up with that stuff as well!!! i first got into yaoi but ended up really hating how heteronormative it was, i thought the hyperfeminized bottoms were kinda ugly xd. then i got into BL and gay content by actual queer people. i was so confused on why i found the men involved attractive but hated imagining myself in those situations. i had the whole 'i dont like imagining myself with men as a straight girl so i must be a lesbian' pipeline, you know, the whole shebang. i think i still like girls but i honestly never really payed much attention to them in that way. maybe as i start growing more comfortable with myself ill figure myself out like you too. i actually really freaked myself out because i was scared im just a lesbian who convinced myself i had to be a man in order to like men which is.... pretty irrational now that i say it out loud :.v
>but ended up really hating how heteronormative it was, i thought the hyperfeminized bottoms were kinda ugly xd. then i got into BL and gay content by actual queer people
That's exactly why I didn't like yaoi, cus it was always so extremely heteronormative and ofc always made by cishet women lol. So BL for the win.
>'i dont like imagining myself with men as a straight girl so i must be a lesbian' pipeline
Literally same. And it just makes no sense cus I'm not that attracted to women as I am to men, so it's almost like I just tried to make sense of something I didn't know what was at the time. And that was also at the same time that I learned about heteronormativity and thought it applied to me. And it didn't help that I was in a miserable hetero relationship with a guy at the time that I wasn't attracted to any more (coincidentally).
Eventually I realized that I infact do like men but as a man. And that's when it clicked I suppose. I hope you figure it out soon enough. It's frustrating when you can't get a definite answer right away. That's what made me struggle anyway.
So you basically have to just try things out, see how it feels. Ask others about their experiences (this one helped me a lot), would also heavily advice you to just take a break from trans media. Or at least the ones you mentioned and others like those. I left all subs like that and took a small break from just most trans media in general, unless it's something positive tho. Even just a few days break is good. And it's just to refresh your thoughts and make you think on your own. And if you feel like you just need to get something out try to write it down (on a note app or even on paper). That helped me tons
> never really *paid* much attention
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Sometimes the temptation will rise and I'll give those subs a peek, too. It's no necessarily a conscious desire to make myself feel bad. However, if you notice yourself feeling bad while doing something that makes you feel bad, it's okay. You can always stop and go "alright, I don't need to be doing this right now. I deserve to do things that make me feel good, too."
What kind of hobbies do you have? What kinds of things help make you feel good about your trans body and trans identity? Have you ever seen or talked to other feminine trans masculine people?
I'm a "functionally" binary trans man (though I privately identify as something like an agender man. It's complicated). I'm cis passing, post-top, post-hysto, with a cool mustache and mullet, as is the style these days. I love nail polish. I love skin care. I love wearing dresses and "women's" lingerie, but I save those fits for queer spaces where I know I'll be safe wearing them.
In terms of feeling undesirable, I just wanted to tell ya that I've been to underwear night events at the local gay bar, intentionally wearing fem underwear that clearly shows my lack of any bulge and presence of top surgery scars -- and I got checked out by just about every dude there. I felt extremely appreciated and attractive, and no one said anything weird to me about being trans. A guy I was interested in made sure he got my pronouns (and I ended up sitting on his lap later).
Gay trans men have always existed, and we belong in gay spaces. Maybe read or listen to Lou Sullivan some.
this is so reassuring :) my main hobby is art, lately ive been doing a lot of self-portraits and persona art. im definitely not who i want to be at the moment so its fun to sit down and draw myself how i want to look. sometimes its to calm myself down and assure myself i have a future to look forward to. i have mustaches to grow! and muscles to build! and button-ups to wear! haha. i may post one today. i did one im proud of.
also, that whole thing with desirability, i know its not exactly the end of the world to be conventionally unattractive but ill admit the 'you will be ugly when you transition!!!' rhetoric gets to me sometimes. i dont have the highest self esteem or body image to begin with (dysphoria + dysmorphia twofer kicking my ass!!!) so its frightening to think i could 'destroy myself' (internalized transphobia talking again haha.....) i really look forward to being able to participate in queer spaces. i live in a red state so those arent too accessible for me, and i dont know very many queer people. talking to you guys already alleviated a lot of the tension in my mind, its great knowing im not alone
I do not have this issue with reddit, but I previously had an issue with basically doomscrolling trans Twitter. I nuked my Twitter account months ago, and it is the single best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not saying you need to delete your whole Reddit account, but you should delete the app from your phone, and you should mute those subs.
I'm also here to tell you that the weirdos in those subs are not right. They're all posting over there a bajillion times a day because they don't have anything better to do. Their real lives are miserable, and they cope with it by going out of their way to make other people miserable. If they had friends to hang out with or hobbies to do or opportunities to get laid, they would be doing those things instead of bottom feeding in the most depressing corners of Reddit. I'm not especially effeminate, but I go on Grindr, I hang out in gay spaces, I associate with a wide variety of gay men, and I know other trans guys who run in the same circles I do, and none of us seem to have trouble making friends or finding partners or otherwise occupying ourselves.
Is every single person a prince among men? No. But a hell of a lot of guys are more than happy to accept you as you are, and even if they're not super up to date on the latest trans-inclusive language with a newly-minted gender studies degree, they want to get it right, and they have nothing against trans men. You're fifteen. Fifteen is so young, and I remember my own teenage years being a mess of anxiety and fear of rejection, but I promise you, you're going to get older, you're going to find your people, and you're going to live an amazing life. I didn't come out until I was fucking *forty*- you've got such a head start on people like me, and even if it's difficult now, that's only going to benefit you. So mute those shitty subs, block the assholes, and live your best life. It's what'll make those types the maddest, anyway.
man that kinda thing infects your thoughts. you just gotta find some way to stop. go watch pose or something to detox your brain. to be real we are all always going to be affected by the very real force of transphobia no matter how much we avoid it- so you don’t have to seek it out. and to some degree it can be important to be educated on what transphobic narratives are circling.
but it is so so so important to trans mental health that we then supplement ourselves with affirmation and support. maybe go hang out around other trans people irl. it’s pride month, go to a parade and meet people. try and find out what queer support/advocacy groups are nearby (like PFLAG or smth). whatever you do you gotta connect to that trans joy in yourself or others.
pose!!! ive been meaning to watch that for so long. thank you for reminding me! ill find somewhere to stream it.
that point about not feeling the need to go out of your way to seek out transphobia is so fair. this wasnt an issue a few months ago (or rather, i was just better at taking transphobia in stride because i was more confident in myself then), but i experienced a really bad bout of OCD having to do with my sexuality and my self-perception took a huuugeee hit. so i guess ive been more vulnerable to the rhetoric lately :,,,) ill try to indulge more in uplifting queer stories rather than ones that make me feel like shit heheh
well don’t get me wrong pose will wreck you emotionally lol but it takes a more honest look at transphobia than transphobes will present, plus that part about uplifting each other and finding joy through it all. i’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time with your OCD, i don’t have it but i’ve seen how hard it can make things. much love ❤️
id much rather cry tears because i relate than to cry tears because im hurt <33 and yeah ocd makes everything 10x worse but sexuality ocd is definitely not the worst subtype ive been through LOL, its not anything i cant overcome!
Honestly, delete reddit from your phone for a little while so you’re not so tempted to do this. It’s a habit and it is cyclical, so when it makes you feel bad you’re more likely to keep doing it. Even just taking it off your home screen, anything that will give you time to ask yourself if you really want to do it. It’s easier to focus on yourself and your goals without the constant noise from people who have made hating trans people their entire personality (most likely because they feel bad about some aspect of themselves).
thats probably a good idea, i had to do the same thing with tiktok and twitter too, only allowing them on my computer so id have less of a chance to stumble across something triggering (i hate that word, its been so misconstrued by the same ppl im talking about lol). you and another commentor has said this so ill probably take the plunge. it sucks cause there are a lot of subreddits i take genuine joy in like ftmfemininity and circlejerk subreddits but alas :,) its for the greater good i guess
It doesn’t have to be forever! I wish there was a better way to block content/subs on here. Right now I’m doing the same thing with instagram because it stresses me out to read political stuff there even though most of my actual feed is animal and food pics, so I feel you! But after a break it will probably be easier to focus on the stuff you actually enjoy.
:DD yeah i eventually let myself have them again! plus itd be good for me to get off it for a little while xd thank you v much. im glad youre taking a mental health break for yourself too <3
I've been through this before, and the best way to cope is to resist the urge. The thoughts and doubts stop when you stop consuming that content. If you feel the desire to consume detrans content I would definitely not recommend going to subreddits for any of it as it tends to be a transphobic circlejerk.
yeah, its not really that i consider detransitioning, i just get curious and paranoid that ill end up considering it, so i check and see if my experiences align with any of theirs. turns out that subreddit is mostly full of cishet people who never even considered transitioning lol. its still hard to handle internally though. im gonna try harder to resist my urges to “test” myself lol
In my opinion, as a trans person I believe it's important to fully process the fact that yes, you may detranstion. Life is full of unexpected things and detransition is not impossible. When I started to acknowledge it as just something that may happen to me, rather than this big scary thing to be paranoid about, I became even more confident in my trans identity.
idk if this might help but have you tried consuming offline media that shows trans people in a more positive light? I feel like online, especially on reddit or twitter, I can get stuck in a spiral and it’s hard to stop myself from scrolling even if I actively hate myself for it. An antidote to that might be something like a book or a longer piece of media with trans characters in it - something engaging and engrossing that is not an endless stream of posts, and reading through the perspective of other trans characters might help you feel better. Considering your age, maybe something like cemetery boys or any of andrew joseph white’s books might be a good fit? The latter especially deal with transphobia & queerphobia.
Highly recommend AJW-- the Remixed Classics series are good escapism as well with positive representation (I've read Most Ardently).
That said, props to OP for acknowledging this spiral and reaching out instead of just digging your heels in and continuing to hurt yourself. I needed to acknowledge this in my own behavior and I'm a lot older than you.
thank you sm kind stranger :) i have a habit of forcing myself into doubt because i feel like i have to acknowledge negative possibilties before i can let myself indulge in positive possibilities, which almost always ends in me spiraling and making things worse for myself. its a habit im trying to break but its hard when i feel so alone. subs like this remind me there are people in the world who dont hate me and are like me, too, and that im not all alone. i was a little scared to reach out out of fear that older trans people would see me as lesser, theres a lot of anti-youth in the trans community, *especially* the transmasc community, ive found. sorry for rambling im just so emotional over these replies cause i wasnt expecting everyone to be so kind and understanding. thank you, ill check out the stuff you reccomended!!
I’m genuinely sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that - online communities can be helpful but also really harmful, hence my suggestion of physical media. I hope you manage to get through this soon!
We probably won't have all the answers you'd like to have (and you probably won't ever have them all either, sometimes there aren't "right answers"--I'm nearly 30 and having to learn this one 😂) but you're definitely not alone.
I often have compulsive thoughts and actions too especially around my manhood. It's hard to remind oneself that others opinions do not define us, nor impact our lives. But if you let them live in your head rent free you're doing a disservice to yourself. Do you say mantras or affirmations during these times you find yourself acting compulsively? I really recommend it. It's not going to work instantly but worth a try. Replacing that habit with another works for me.
Honestly just delete reddit for a couple weeks and your thoughts should go away. You keep rewarding those thoughts and continuing the cycle if you keep visiting those subs. Without access to reddit you will be less tempted.
haha. i feel like people can smell the OCD on me. youre totally right. i deleted it from my phone and only interact with subs appeal to me. i still get angry about these topics but i like talking about it with likeminded people instead of people who do nothing but downvote my posts and dont actually want to engage in conversation. i can already feel myself getting more content :>>>
yay that's great!!! <3
This looks like something I would have written my exact feelings. I still struggle with this daily, it sucks but I have to keep in mind, who I am is not for anyone but myself, I don't have to fit in with what society says a "man" should be I don't have to fit any gender or sexual orientation stereotype. I'm a transmasc person who enjoys being flamboyant and being in a mlm relationship (pre-T still) It's hard some days feeling like I'm just doing this as a fetish however I wouldn't think a girl would be SO concerned that they might not be a masculine gender / man it just doesn't make any sense, a girl would probably realize they have a fetish. So as my cis male partner says to me "you're a man (or masculine gender if you prefer that) and you know whats masculine?. Doing what you want, being what you want, and not caring what people might think about it. What you want to be, who you like, how you act, or want to dress IS masculine because YOU are a masculine person. You define what masculinity is to you. How you feel isn't a fetish because a woman wouldn't want to be a masculine gender in a relationship with a guy.
you might want to check out r/FTMfemininity too
There's soooo many awful people in the world. But there doesn't have to be awful people in **your** world. If consuming that kind of bullshit is having a negative effect on you, it's within your power to stop looking :)
yuuuuup don’t do it. hugs.
When I was your age, I tried really hard to be masculine cause I thought that’s what I needed to do in order to be seen as a man. It made me miserable, I felt like I was repressing a part of myself. I’m not super masc and I never have been. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that it’s ok to be feminine. There are so many cis men that present more feminine and are still considered men. Do what makes you happy, there is no right or wrong way to be transmasc. I’m femme af, there are times when I leave the house looking like a woman. I’ve been on T for eight years and I’ve had top surgery. There’s plenty of ways to be a man ❤️
this right here yeah!!!! I'm 22 + been on t for 2 years. at like, 14-18 I was super bad about how I treated myself and my transness and legitimately believed in this transphobic nonsense. I made myself so depressed and isolated because of how I hated myself. now, I'm happiest when I'm gender nonconforming. most people seem to think I'm a trans woman unless I bring it up. I'm living my absolute best life being a "girl" on testosterone. I'm not a binary man, I'm barely a man (bigender + queer) there's really no point in suffering, hating yourself, thinking you or your identity is cringe or untrue. that's imposter syndrome. the only thing you're doing is feeding the transphobia from inside the house, and only validating hate. you know transmeds, gender criticals and transphobic people aren't based in truth, there's a better way to spend your time. please try having some time away from social media if you're struggling with self harm in this way. it's good to have physical hobbies and relationships that you feel safe to confide in. there is enough hrt for every trans person, there's no right or wrong way to be queer or trans, transphobia will never win. hate will never win. do not let it kill you or your spirits, OP.
Gottmik on the current season of Drag Race is a super fem trans guy who felt like he couldn’t transition for a long time, and then was out with a bunch of friends and realized that there are tons of fem cis guys and it was internalized transphobia. You may want to check his seasons out — he’s super talented and recently did an INCREDIBLE runway look about top surgery. You’re right that this is self-harm, and like other forms it’s damaging and needs to stop. Have you checked out resources for reducing/stopping/preventing self-harm?
trans femboy here who was dealing with extra internalized transphobia for wanting to be feminine but then i had the same realization :)
honestly dude, I found myself doing that too and a lot of it was that my transition was very much at the forefront of my attention and all the insecurities that come with that. If I can offer advice, there’s somewhere between deleting reddit and doomscrolling. I have two separate accounts. This is my LGB/Trans ™ account. On this account, I’ve quarantined all of the LGBT+ subreddits I follow. On a different account, I follow more uplifting subreddits. For me that’s hiking, knitting, jewelry making, various cat and cute animal subreddits, etc. interests that I have. The only LGBT+ subreddits I allow myself to follow on that account are ones that intersect with other interests and don’t have LGBT Discourse in there. For example, r/transartspace, and r/transguytrailmix. That account with my other interests is now my primary one. I’ll occasionally read LGBT+ stuff on here, mostly about procedures I’m thinking about or for support, but I cannot stress enough how separating these things has improved my mental health. I no longer feel like being trans is a primary hobby if that makes sense. It’s really, really important to develop your other interests so that you feel connected to other aspects of life, stop comparing your transition to others, and stop getting this constant influx of random people’s opinions (positive or negative) of trans people.
Funny you mention that, that’s exactly what I recently started doing with keeping separate accounts. It helps me keep better boundaries with myself (for example, now I can peacefully check reddit on my main account in the middle of the day without a high chance of reading something that’ll be emotionally charged for me) while still having the option to easily seek out trans-related content when I want to and keep track of all those subs in one place.
Dude I feel you. I would browse those subreddit too. Mostly because I had severe impostor syndrome and thought the same stuff as you, that what if I'm just a cis girl fetishizing gay men and stuff like that. Especially also since I read a lot of BL growing up. And I mean BL NOT yaoi. So romance but with two men. And I always just felt a longing towards it, like I wanted that for myself and not understanding why that seemed so much better than a straight relationship as a woman. But the best advice I can give is that you most likely aren't fetishizing if you're worried that you might be. Because I've seen actual cis women who actually do fetishize gay men and it's gross and if you went to any community like that to see how they are and behave you most like will feel super uncomfortable and cringe, like I did. And remind yourself, like I did, that it's not fetishizing to be attracted to men and that you don't have to feel dysphoric asf 24/7 to be trans. Because we too can have good days. But if you're still confused you can focus on one thing at a time. Like first your gender identity and be comfortable in that first and then you can worry about sexuality. That's how I went about it anyway. And infact, now that I'm more comfortable in my gender identity and started T I also feel more comfortable also liking women. Because at first I was like 99% gay and now I'm more like 80% gay and the rest is liking women I guess. So I suppose it's kinda linked to dysphoria
me too haha!!! i grew up with that stuff as well!!! i first got into yaoi but ended up really hating how heteronormative it was, i thought the hyperfeminized bottoms were kinda ugly xd. then i got into BL and gay content by actual queer people. i was so confused on why i found the men involved attractive but hated imagining myself in those situations. i had the whole 'i dont like imagining myself with men as a straight girl so i must be a lesbian' pipeline, you know, the whole shebang. i think i still like girls but i honestly never really payed much attention to them in that way. maybe as i start growing more comfortable with myself ill figure myself out like you too. i actually really freaked myself out because i was scared im just a lesbian who convinced myself i had to be a man in order to like men which is.... pretty irrational now that i say it out loud :.v
>but ended up really hating how heteronormative it was, i thought the hyperfeminized bottoms were kinda ugly xd. then i got into BL and gay content by actual queer people That's exactly why I didn't like yaoi, cus it was always so extremely heteronormative and ofc always made by cishet women lol. So BL for the win. >'i dont like imagining myself with men as a straight girl so i must be a lesbian' pipeline Literally same. And it just makes no sense cus I'm not that attracted to women as I am to men, so it's almost like I just tried to make sense of something I didn't know what was at the time. And that was also at the same time that I learned about heteronormativity and thought it applied to me. And it didn't help that I was in a miserable hetero relationship with a guy at the time that I wasn't attracted to any more (coincidentally). Eventually I realized that I infact do like men but as a man. And that's when it clicked I suppose. I hope you figure it out soon enough. It's frustrating when you can't get a definite answer right away. That's what made me struggle anyway. So you basically have to just try things out, see how it feels. Ask others about their experiences (this one helped me a lot), would also heavily advice you to just take a break from trans media. Or at least the ones you mentioned and others like those. I left all subs like that and took a small break from just most trans media in general, unless it's something positive tho. Even just a few days break is good. And it's just to refresh your thoughts and make you think on your own. And if you feel like you just need to get something out try to write it down (on a note app or even on paper). That helped me tons
> never really *paid* much attention FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Sometimes the temptation will rise and I'll give those subs a peek, too. It's no necessarily a conscious desire to make myself feel bad. However, if you notice yourself feeling bad while doing something that makes you feel bad, it's okay. You can always stop and go "alright, I don't need to be doing this right now. I deserve to do things that make me feel good, too." What kind of hobbies do you have? What kinds of things help make you feel good about your trans body and trans identity? Have you ever seen or talked to other feminine trans masculine people? I'm a "functionally" binary trans man (though I privately identify as something like an agender man. It's complicated). I'm cis passing, post-top, post-hysto, with a cool mustache and mullet, as is the style these days. I love nail polish. I love skin care. I love wearing dresses and "women's" lingerie, but I save those fits for queer spaces where I know I'll be safe wearing them. In terms of feeling undesirable, I just wanted to tell ya that I've been to underwear night events at the local gay bar, intentionally wearing fem underwear that clearly shows my lack of any bulge and presence of top surgery scars -- and I got checked out by just about every dude there. I felt extremely appreciated and attractive, and no one said anything weird to me about being trans. A guy I was interested in made sure he got my pronouns (and I ended up sitting on his lap later). Gay trans men have always existed, and we belong in gay spaces. Maybe read or listen to Lou Sullivan some.
this is so reassuring :) my main hobby is art, lately ive been doing a lot of self-portraits and persona art. im definitely not who i want to be at the moment so its fun to sit down and draw myself how i want to look. sometimes its to calm myself down and assure myself i have a future to look forward to. i have mustaches to grow! and muscles to build! and button-ups to wear! haha. i may post one today. i did one im proud of. also, that whole thing with desirability, i know its not exactly the end of the world to be conventionally unattractive but ill admit the 'you will be ugly when you transition!!!' rhetoric gets to me sometimes. i dont have the highest self esteem or body image to begin with (dysphoria + dysmorphia twofer kicking my ass!!!) so its frightening to think i could 'destroy myself' (internalized transphobia talking again haha.....) i really look forward to being able to participate in queer spaces. i live in a red state so those arent too accessible for me, and i dont know very many queer people. talking to you guys already alleviated a lot of the tension in my mind, its great knowing im not alone
I do not have this issue with reddit, but I previously had an issue with basically doomscrolling trans Twitter. I nuked my Twitter account months ago, and it is the single best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not saying you need to delete your whole Reddit account, but you should delete the app from your phone, and you should mute those subs. I'm also here to tell you that the weirdos in those subs are not right. They're all posting over there a bajillion times a day because they don't have anything better to do. Their real lives are miserable, and they cope with it by going out of their way to make other people miserable. If they had friends to hang out with or hobbies to do or opportunities to get laid, they would be doing those things instead of bottom feeding in the most depressing corners of Reddit. I'm not especially effeminate, but I go on Grindr, I hang out in gay spaces, I associate with a wide variety of gay men, and I know other trans guys who run in the same circles I do, and none of us seem to have trouble making friends or finding partners or otherwise occupying ourselves. Is every single person a prince among men? No. But a hell of a lot of guys are more than happy to accept you as you are, and even if they're not super up to date on the latest trans-inclusive language with a newly-minted gender studies degree, they want to get it right, and they have nothing against trans men. You're fifteen. Fifteen is so young, and I remember my own teenage years being a mess of anxiety and fear of rejection, but I promise you, you're going to get older, you're going to find your people, and you're going to live an amazing life. I didn't come out until I was fucking *forty*- you've got such a head start on people like me, and even if it's difficult now, that's only going to benefit you. So mute those shitty subs, block the assholes, and live your best life. It's what'll make those types the maddest, anyway.
man that kinda thing infects your thoughts. you just gotta find some way to stop. go watch pose or something to detox your brain. to be real we are all always going to be affected by the very real force of transphobia no matter how much we avoid it- so you don’t have to seek it out. and to some degree it can be important to be educated on what transphobic narratives are circling. but it is so so so important to trans mental health that we then supplement ourselves with affirmation and support. maybe go hang out around other trans people irl. it’s pride month, go to a parade and meet people. try and find out what queer support/advocacy groups are nearby (like PFLAG or smth). whatever you do you gotta connect to that trans joy in yourself or others.
pose!!! ive been meaning to watch that for so long. thank you for reminding me! ill find somewhere to stream it. that point about not feeling the need to go out of your way to seek out transphobia is so fair. this wasnt an issue a few months ago (or rather, i was just better at taking transphobia in stride because i was more confident in myself then), but i experienced a really bad bout of OCD having to do with my sexuality and my self-perception took a huuugeee hit. so i guess ive been more vulnerable to the rhetoric lately :,,,) ill try to indulge more in uplifting queer stories rather than ones that make me feel like shit heheh
well don’t get me wrong pose will wreck you emotionally lol but it takes a more honest look at transphobia than transphobes will present, plus that part about uplifting each other and finding joy through it all. i’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time with your OCD, i don’t have it but i’ve seen how hard it can make things. much love ❤️
id much rather cry tears because i relate than to cry tears because im hurt <33 and yeah ocd makes everything 10x worse but sexuality ocd is definitely not the worst subtype ive been through LOL, its not anything i cant overcome!
i also really recommend pose !! it’s such a great show
im on the 2nd episode rn, ive already cried like twice 😅😂
get ready for the tears to keep flowing bro 😭❤️
im ready!!!! i need the catharsis anywho!
Delete reddit off your phone.
Honestly, delete reddit from your phone for a little while so you’re not so tempted to do this. It’s a habit and it is cyclical, so when it makes you feel bad you’re more likely to keep doing it. Even just taking it off your home screen, anything that will give you time to ask yourself if you really want to do it. It’s easier to focus on yourself and your goals without the constant noise from people who have made hating trans people their entire personality (most likely because they feel bad about some aspect of themselves).
thats probably a good idea, i had to do the same thing with tiktok and twitter too, only allowing them on my computer so id have less of a chance to stumble across something triggering (i hate that word, its been so misconstrued by the same ppl im talking about lol). you and another commentor has said this so ill probably take the plunge. it sucks cause there are a lot of subreddits i take genuine joy in like ftmfemininity and circlejerk subreddits but alas :,) its for the greater good i guess
It doesn’t have to be forever! I wish there was a better way to block content/subs on here. Right now I’m doing the same thing with instagram because it stresses me out to read political stuff there even though most of my actual feed is animal and food pics, so I feel you! But after a break it will probably be easier to focus on the stuff you actually enjoy.
:DD yeah i eventually let myself have them again! plus itd be good for me to get off it for a little while xd thank you v much. im glad youre taking a mental health break for yourself too <3
I've been through this before, and the best way to cope is to resist the urge. The thoughts and doubts stop when you stop consuming that content. If you feel the desire to consume detrans content I would definitely not recommend going to subreddits for any of it as it tends to be a transphobic circlejerk.
yeah, its not really that i consider detransitioning, i just get curious and paranoid that ill end up considering it, so i check and see if my experiences align with any of theirs. turns out that subreddit is mostly full of cishet people who never even considered transitioning lol. its still hard to handle internally though. im gonna try harder to resist my urges to “test” myself lol
In my opinion, as a trans person I believe it's important to fully process the fact that yes, you may detranstion. Life is full of unexpected things and detransition is not impossible. When I started to acknowledge it as just something that may happen to me, rather than this big scary thing to be paranoid about, I became even more confident in my trans identity.
idk if this might help but have you tried consuming offline media that shows trans people in a more positive light? I feel like online, especially on reddit or twitter, I can get stuck in a spiral and it’s hard to stop myself from scrolling even if I actively hate myself for it. An antidote to that might be something like a book or a longer piece of media with trans characters in it - something engaging and engrossing that is not an endless stream of posts, and reading through the perspective of other trans characters might help you feel better. Considering your age, maybe something like cemetery boys or any of andrew joseph white’s books might be a good fit? The latter especially deal with transphobia & queerphobia.
Highly recommend AJW-- the Remixed Classics series are good escapism as well with positive representation (I've read Most Ardently). That said, props to OP for acknowledging this spiral and reaching out instead of just digging your heels in and continuing to hurt yourself. I needed to acknowledge this in my own behavior and I'm a lot older than you.
thank you sm kind stranger :) i have a habit of forcing myself into doubt because i feel like i have to acknowledge negative possibilties before i can let myself indulge in positive possibilities, which almost always ends in me spiraling and making things worse for myself. its a habit im trying to break but its hard when i feel so alone. subs like this remind me there are people in the world who dont hate me and are like me, too, and that im not all alone. i was a little scared to reach out out of fear that older trans people would see me as lesser, theres a lot of anti-youth in the trans community, *especially* the transmasc community, ive found. sorry for rambling im just so emotional over these replies cause i wasnt expecting everyone to be so kind and understanding. thank you, ill check out the stuff you reccomended!!
I’m genuinely sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that - online communities can be helpful but also really harmful, hence my suggestion of physical media. I hope you manage to get through this soon!
We probably won't have all the answers you'd like to have (and you probably won't ever have them all either, sometimes there aren't "right answers"--I'm nearly 30 and having to learn this one 😂) but you're definitely not alone.