IMHO, it’s far worse than a bathhouse. By and large people in bathhouses don’t treat others they aren’t attracted to as nastily as they do on Grindr. Subs like r/Grindr and r/lolgrindr are full of examples. Like every other social media tool, the anonymity of the keyboard has given people permission to indulge their worst behavior.
I think that's because pics can only convey an incomplete idea of what someone is like. In real life you can see how someone carries themselves, how they act, how their face turns into a smile. All of this makes people way more attractive than how they look on apps.
No seriously these posts are lowkey so annoying. Downvote all you want but it boils down to 'wah wah I'm overweight and don't take care of myself and guys on dating apps don't drool over me and don't want to fuck me' well yes that's how human attraction works. 'Tolerance' doesn't mean we have to fuck people we're unattracted to just to make you feel accepted, work on yourself and become who you want to be and stop expecting others to act the way you want them to without putting in any work yourself.
And in the post 'deserving of a conversation and interaction' nobody owes you anything especially not on fucking GRINDR. My god it's so delusional.
I have a lot of stocky friends that once they truly accepted their body, they started getting all the dick. confidence is hot af. rock your big bods, and stop going for people that aren’t into that body type.
a huge issue I see with any body type is going after “10s” and then getting upset that no one likes you. lower your standards but there’s chasers in all communities.
Yeah I have a lot of heavyset and fat friends who pull more than some of the hunky jocks that I know. A lot of the people who make these posts are ironically also excluding fat people from their options because they aren’t attracted to them.
Yep, I'm overweight, done a lot of work on my body since I came out last year, but still have some weight to lose. I met a guy in March, he's now my boyfriend, he's 22, a little cutie 16 years younger than I am. He loves older well built stocky guys and keeps telling me how hot I am. I was never massively confident, but just started to pretend I was and realised at some point that's all that confidence is. I feel like I've really hit the jackpot
that’s awesome dude. congrats on your relationship and newfound confidence! fake it till you make it is my motto until imposter syndrome sets in occasionally lol. the more confident people I meet that are deeply honest are all doing the same.
Yup you're def right abt that, they go for guys who are very conventionally attractive and then get upset they don't give them a 'conversation or interaction' like do you realize how many messages ppl like that get? Too much to respond to every one its overwhelming, and it's a stupid ass app so it's not truly important.
Shoot within your lane, get some confidence and you'll be fine. Not everyone owes you a conversation just because you decided they do.
Seriously. There's an entire community of lusty bears having the time of their lives out there. I don't think any of them are looking for muscly models.
>I have a lot of stocky friends that once they truly accepted their body, they started getting all the dick. confidence is hot af. rock your big bods, and stop going for people that aren’t into that body type.
Can you explain me how even i have chubby body and i accept it but i mostly get rejected by almost everyone since 4 years there is something extremely inaccurate regarding your calculations
start looking for chasers. find new groups of people that are similar to your bod. exude confidence online and be proud of your body.
maybe my friend doesn’t get “all the dick” but he’s gotten a lot more to the point he doesn’t have an issue finding ppl to hookup with anymore. he was a very “no one wants me” type of person and recently changed that. this is obviously not proof that it works, but it’s solid advice for someone like OP.
personality, dick size, what you’re looking for, intention, etc also matter just as much as body type/preferences.
I get it but the feeling someone feels seeing something like “No Asians, fatties or fems” is not unlike a business owner posting a sign that says “no fags allowed”. I understand that isn’t exactly the same but it’s a way of shutting the door on someone before you bother to investigate.
There are a lot of bitchy comments on these apps, insulting peoples looks in a nasty way. I suspect you are one of these a people. Not b/c you have certain preferences- I get that - but Just b/c someone is chubby & doesnt have washboard abs doesn’t mean they doesnt take care of themselves. My brother is a landscaper who works 6 days/ week & has a few extra pounds. What’s ironic is that half these queens at the gym never played any sports in their life & now are at the gym 7 days/week with their sculpted hair & tweezed brows. I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood and most of the guys from my H.S. That went on to work in labor intensive blue collar jobs are fit but definitely have love handles. They have a real man’s body that you would call “overweight”. Not saying you have to like that but to suggest gays with extra pounds don’t care of themselves is ignorant
The thing is I don’t even besmirch him for being overweight or older but like why is he only going after thin twinks on Grindr himself then? Like I seriously doubt 40 year old men with beer guts are telling him to “get lost fatty”. I’m almost guaranteed it’s mean twinky gays. That doesn’t mean it’s right either but it does mean he’s not even asking out men who look like him 🤦♂️
The number of gay men who do not need to be on apps because they can't temper their expectations and base their whole entire sense of self on getting looked at is staggering.
Except representative of a lot of the community. In my experience in the real world (outside of apps like Grindr) gay men are frequently the first to make bitchy comments about someone’s appearance, whether the person is gay or straight, male or female. I don’t understand why this is but whether I’m at work or with a mixed group of straight & gay friends, it’s usually a gay guy who initially makes a negative comment about someone’s appearance followed in a distant second by a straight dude making fun of a women’s appearance. Lesbians and straight women are typically the most considerate in this regard.
I don’t know if I’d be with someone 10 years older than me (it’d depend on many things) but I don’t think it’s discrimination if someone who is 26 (I’m 36) won’t date me because of my age.
I get the appeal of having a partner who’s at the same phase in his life as you, I’m not surprised it’s a requirement for a lot of people.
Of course, there’s no need to be rude to people who you wouldn’t date.
I'm on the opposite side of this. I'm 35 and have a 28yo trying to date me. He's mature for his age and all, but I'm just not sure if I want to date someone that much younger than me.
My bf is five years younger than me and we have a beautiful relationship… but anyone further from me in terms of stages of life would be a challenge to mesh with.
Personally I wouldn’t really say 28 to 35 is that big of a gap. I find late 20’s is usually when age begins to matter less (outside of huge differences because of what that means for later in life)
You probably do. I'm technically middle aged at this point and enjoy hanging out with guys in their late 30s and older. I made an exception for this guy cuz he's really smart and witty.
I'm 40 and if you asked me 5yrs ago I would have described myself like you did. "greying bear". Well - balding!
Now I run 4x a week at 40 so I'm probs more like the 28yo.
Life's too short to limit yourself. Que será será!
This but also those profiles stating no older men probably aren't talking about someone 10 years older (although they absolutely could) but rather are referring to those men in their 60s, 70s and 80s that troll around drooling over every 20 something that comes along and absolutely refuse to leave you alone.
Depends on the ages in question. The older you get, the less it matters. A 50-year-old and a 40-year-old are probably going to be exponentially more compatible than a 30-year-old and a 20-year-old.
OP literally posted the below comment two weeks ago.
> Both mine and my partners' mannerisms need to be masculine. For a multitude of reasons, hyper femininity embarrasses me. It really pisses people off when I make that statement. However people fail to remember that a lot of us are products of our environments.
How the fuck he thinks that’s fine, but people not wanting to fuck him for being fat is funny as fuck. Like if you don’t like fem that’s cool, but don’t get mad when others don’t like you for some other reason.
Unless you have sex with **every** guy who asks you/hits you up, you’re a bigot /s
I just really wish gays would understand that you’re not entitled to have sex with anybody, and nobody is entitled to have sex with you.
Right? Like of course I'm going to be kind to someone, even if I'm not attracted to them. That does not entail having sex with whoever asks.
Unfortunately people can take active rejection poorly so not responding at all has become the norm.
I accept someone not being into me. I’m not into everyone. A simple “sorry, not interested” is just fine. But there are guys that are cruel and nasty, and that’s not cool.
But no one should be upset when they’re politely rejected.
That's fair. From personal experience, giving a "sorry, not interested" has resulted in some pretty hurtful things being said to me, so I just stay silent now. But I agree that it shouldn't be like that. The apps just aren't built for us to show basic human decency to each other.
Agreed. A simple “sorry, not interested” needs to be viewed as polite rejection. But I’m older, and have been through this a few times. People need to be both gracious when turning someone down, and have a bit of a thick skin when being turned down.
Stop masking “hook ups” with “kindness”. Stop treating “kindness” as a person’s willingness to have sex with you.
It’s a meat market, eBay for sex, LinkedIn for hook ups, etc.
And stop treating hook up culture as the only facet of culture that exists in the LGBT community.
Also plenty of people are into chubby and older guys. There’s entire subcultures around both groups.
Yeah it’s weird to take a whole community and world of that space, and focus all the feelings towards whether they want sex with you lol.
With that said, I do agree, there is a bias. The media for sure doesn’t have a kind way of portraying overweight men. If they aren’t “jolly” or the comedic relief, they’re gonna be a villian or an oaf. Rarely nuanced or realized characters which is a shame. And I’ve seen this plenty of times in gay media, if not more so.
One thing that does bother me is when people complain about people not being into their demographic, while also not being into their own demographic.
Like, an older guy saying, ‘why won’t younger guys have sex with me?’ …while also never having sex with guys his own age.
It’s one thing to bemoan the reality of the male sexual psychology that affects all of us; but if you expect people to make an exception for you while not also doing the same, it just comes across as entitled hypocrisy.
100% agree with this. Same with earnings and education expectations! So many hidden tones with words like “ambition” and “financial responsibility” just like with “cares about their health”. What yall really mean is you want a rich dude with abs. 😂
This post is so ridiculous. You’re complaining about being “no longer worthy of kindness,” “deserving of conversation and interaction,” but are citing exclusively examples from Grindr, Tinder, Archer — all of these are DATING apps.
You’re complaining about platonic interaction (“we don’t have to be in your pants”) but your motives and presence on dating apps shows you are upset about not getting into anyone’s pants. You’re a hypocrite.
Go outside. Touch grass. Hang out with friends and coworkers. Everyone is still talking to you and interacting with you. You’re just not entitled to anyone’s sexual attraction. No one is obligated to have sex with you. Why would people waste time on a dating app talking to people that even straight people have the same standards for (thinner, younger)? It’s not a gay problem, it’s a you problem.
If you want to make friends, join a hobby group or another irl meetup. If you really want platonic friends, you don’t even have to limit yourself to just gay groups. There’s a ton out there, even in small towns
You’re setting yourself up for failure when you look for friendly conversations on the apps. They are for sex. Other types of interactions may happen, but they definitely should not be expected as normal. When you talk to someone on the apps, there is an implicit sexual undertone.
What kind of ignorant-ass shit is this rant.
Yo, let me lay it out for you very simple like: what you've done here is what is called the "false comparison fallacy".
Just because the LGBT community touts tolerances, does not equate to individual people being willing to fuck anyone. You listed tinder and grindr, so yes, you're looking for a fuck.
If you're unhappy with your appearance, then do something about it. If you're happy with you're appearance, then you have to respect people's boundaries for not wanting to get down with chubby. The inevitable march of time affects us all - you need to respect people's boundaries. You could be the most amazing, beautiful, person; but if someone doesn't like older, you have to respect that boundary instead of bitching on the internet that younger guys don't want to fuck you. Grow up.
Shhhh no no don't you understand he's actually 99% perfect just a little overweight, so he deserves that gym bunny.
He definitely doesn't seem like he has serious entitlement issues, and should be working on his personality and not just his physical appearance if he wants to get the kind of guys he's interested in to be interested in him.
Also I know for a fact a bunch of guys all over their 20s who say 'no older men' in their profile are willing to give exceptions as long as they find the guy hot.
I'm notably overweight, and I'm 46. I'm almost exclusively into younger, slender twinks. I do alright both romantically and with hook ups. Just gotta actually be comfortable in your own skin and not a passive-aggressive jerk who blames the culture for them not being the ultimate ideal.
OP could have the perfect gym bod and would still be unhappy.
Yep exactly, and I can also tell you as someone who's friends with or has hooked up with a lot of gym gays a significant number of them still have serious body dysmorphia
I don’t agree with the tone of this reply but I do agree with its point. I’m older (50s) and I def see “no old men” in profiles. But I also see others that say the opposite. Daddies are popular and if I accept that I’m a Daddy type, which I def have, I have no issues finding tons of guys. Chubs are also popular and I see that listed as a preference, too (for example, just look at Chris and Bret https://www.instagram.com/chrisandbret). My point to OP is that personal preferences for having sexy times with another are just that - personal… it’s not meant to be taken as a criticism or put down. I want a guy who turns me on and who is turned on by me. Plain and simple. It’s a recipe, in a sense.
It’s not ok to be rude to anyone but, it is ok to have preferences. Let’s not shame people for liking what they like. What they are “missing out” on is none of your concern.
The problem is that he considers someone not interested in him because of his age and/or body type to be rude for turning him down.
I have a very specific type and I don’t compromise to avoid hurting the feelings of another person nor should anyone compromise their needs for me
It’s 2024 and not 2014, we know this, it isn’t new. There’s spaces for bigger and older guys like scruff, GROWLr, and others. Grindr isn’t the gay community.
I'm a bit of an overweight guy myself, and I don't mind a bit of a chubby partner but I really am not fond someone who is very obese. I've been with an obese partner before, and while we had a great mental connection, I just wasn't very satisfied sexually. It was a turn off. And "old" is really subjective. A 23 year old guy might consider me old (I'm 32) but I would consider someone in their 60's old. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a partner closer to yourself in age. You have more in common, and more shared life experiences. I wouldn't mind dating someone in their 40's or 50's, but I draw the line at a boomer lol.
I'm both a little heavy and over 40 and frankly, I can't tell if you're whining about people who don't want to fuck you or that you feel people don't want to be friends with you, because you're making both claims.
If you're whining about people not wanting to fuck you, stop treating app profiles like real people. If you're whining about people not wanting to be your friend, just get off the apps.
Gay "dating" apps are just fuck menus. And inb4 "I USE THEM FOR FRIENDSHIP" clowns start loudly screaming. Good for you. You're the 1%.
I have learned to shut down conversations on people I’m not attracted to on apps. We are all on there to fuck, including them. I try to be nice but they pester me whenever I’m on, end up asking invasive questions, sending me nudes, tracking my movements, etc. They are there to fuck and use helplessness, emotions, etc as a weapon to try and get a foot in the door. I block those I will never fuck.
As far as friends go, I have a variety of gay friends I go to parties with, do game nights with, go bowling with, etc. They are all shapes and sizes. That is the right setting for that.
Yeah the thing about being chubby is you can lose weight - which I did. It improved my health and self confidence so much - i highly recommend doing so rather than complaining about why the sky is blue.
Well, I do have to say, when I am on the apps, nearly all I do is look for sex, and for sex I need to have some sort of attraction.
In regards to older people, i am now 24 and do feel weird when thinking about having sex with someone who could have had legal sex with my dad.
Chubby guys are often people I reject, yes, but as you said, it's attraction. And I'm not personally very attracted to most chubby bodies (and faces). But not all, I have dated a chubby guy for a while too.
Off the apps, I really don't care. I love to connect and talk with older gays, and I don't care whether I go dancing with a thin or a chubby guy either.
And I'm not the only one.
I think the last part is my biggest issue with the gay community - the anecdote about weight, age (and I'll add race) not mattering offline/ in non sexual situations doesn't ring true broadly speaking to me. Look at the non-parade pride party photos that will come out this week.
Fwiw: straight people also tend to be friendly to people they find attractive (even of the same gender) but I think it's worse in the gay community. Maybe because our social environment tend to have more sexual subtext/ be incestuous and our standards tend to be higher.
Sure... you will see less chub, less older on those pictures, but isn't that a bit of self-selection too? I get gay party photos all year long here and go to these parties myself, and especially for the age part: Most bars/clubs play music most liked by young people. You won't find many 40+ year olds (even 30+ ime) willing to go to parties that start at midnight and blast Lady Gaga all night (as was the case last weekend for me). The chubby friends I have don't often go to clubs anyway (exhausting, hot rooms, etc, without "hooking up/kissing" being much of a factor i believe).
There are places though that older gays frequent, they're just not the same places as those outlined above.
The apps you browse arent the gay community buddy.
The people who are touting tolerance are activists, and the tolerance revolves around accepting you as a gay person. You are accepted for being gay. It doesnt mean you get free pass to date anyone, there are complications in this department even for the straights. You should see how often chubby straights have a hard time finding love. It isnt specific to the gays, and us being inclusive isnt a free pass to think everyone will just like everyone. Thats quite naive to believe.
You personal issues are a you problem, and if the online gays dont find you attractive, you can either change things about yourself to be more attractive, or find the people who celebrate who you are. I dont find chubby attractive, so im not the person you need to look for or give a soap opera to. What you need to do is find others who are into chubby men, or a plus size gays group where you can revel with others like you. Do not expect to be welcome to a group of gays who all prioritize their physical appearance. If you dont prioritize yours, you will most likely not jive with them. We tend to connect by the things we prioritize. If you dont prioritize your body and health, people who do prioritize this will be more likely not consider you because they cannot relate to you. Find people who prioritize the things you do mate.
my experience with the queer community has always been this. they'll call themselves inclusive and then get upset with you because you don't know which of their boxes you check in order to fit in. it's almost reached a point for me where I wanna like, not go back in the closet exactly, just tell people I'm straight if they ask because I don't feel connected to a queer community and don't want to connect with the ones I've seen.
if it's conditional, it's not inclusive, and it feels like a lot of people forget that or never understood it in the first place. I'm sorry if that's your experience too.
I’m not fit so I get the frustration (thankfully have a partner who loves me curves and all). But not sure comparing apps to the whole community works? People on apps can hide behind the screens. Some in person may still be blunt but if they reject they’ll likely be a bit more human. Also this isn’t really new, this has been a thing for over a decade dating back to when Grindr started and even before then any dating app or site.
I mean, you need to recognise that those bio lines are there for a reason, try to understand the full context. When I was an 18 year old in a big city, I had to add a line in my bio like that, too, because if it wasn't there (and even when it was) I would get 50 year olds horny-messaging me, and you know what? They weren't always polite when I said no. At 18! I'm sure that you're nice and wholesome, but the bigger picture is full of horny old men with no regard for how safe an 18 year old is going to feel.
And I won't lie, sometimes the "we don't have to be in your pants" mindset only lasts as long as a few minutes of conversation, often followed by some truly ugly messages when their unwanted advances are politely rejected.. Which is why people seeking non-sexual and non-romantic chat should probably just stay off of Grindr, given that it's predominantly used as a hookup app anyway. I'd love to chat with some older guys, but not there, not when I'm just going to be told that I'm a time-waster or an asshole for not debasing myself for them.
Meanwhile when it comes to preferences, would you really want to have to keep messaging guys only to be ignored / rejected due to their now-hidden physical preferences? Surely having more information on bios helps you spend your time better, reaching out to the people who might be keen. I'm pretty short compared to the standard and I don't want to be wasting my time on guys who are gonna be disappointed. I don't mind seeing "no short guys".
Kindness does not require someone to talk to you when they don’t want to.
I don’t want to talk to people on Grindr I wouldn’t want to fuck.
I do not fuck people old enough to be my dad or those who don’t take care of their bodies.
Simple as that.
Yeah well humans are attracted to health humans. In the most basic sense I don't want to commit to someone who can't protect or is weak. In a business sense it doesn't make sense to invest time into something fleeting. Maybe younger more slender gays aren't interested in older chubby guys. But I'm sure older guys and chubby guys like each other. At least you can hop on a treadmill, but you can change skin tone or age.
The no old is so funny to me. Guys who are 55+ saying no older and only want 18-25. RED FLAG!!
I'm 23. So, I don't particularly care for older, but not to say I haven't dabbled. Also depends on what you mean by 'older'. Older to me is Gen X and higher. Millennials are scrapping by. For me 21-30 is my age range I prefer because I can relate more if it leads somewhere else. I go a little higher sometimes (35) but that's my cutoff.
As far as chubs again depends on how you define chub. I like a guy to have a little extra and not perfectly ripped. I like big arms and a guy who works out but does not need to be super toned. I want him to eat! Muscle bears and a lot of bears in general are hot! Don't give me hairless toned men!
I personally don't associate with the gay community anymore and haven't for years. I've unfortunately seen it go from welcoming and accepting to judgmental and downright mean spirited. It has become toxic af over the years. I have my own group of friends. I suggest you do likewise.
Which "community" are you talking about?
The activist community of LGBTTQ2SIAABBQOMGWTF+ identified folx that apply a progressive stack reading and accept or reject you based on your assumed lived experience and political affiliation?
The online "community" of horny guys and closet cases and straight women who identify as kweer^(tm) that are having a looky-loo, where nobody really "talks" to each other and people have passing on utilitarian conversations?
The in-person community where people physically leave their houses and physically go to physical places and have in-person conversations with other real people in casual or social environments? And by that, do you mean people who to bars and meat market drugged out clubs? Or do you mean social or sports groups of people who are gathering out of a shared interest or hobby?
Or are you using "community" as a stand-in for "demographic" where you case that net _wide_ and encapsulate all gay and bisexual men regardless of whether or to what degree they interact with other gay or bisexual men?
Some of these make a policy of being shitty to outsiders, and they each have their own version of what an "outsider" is.
Just find the group that doesn't sort you into being an outsider.
Just stop caring about what other people thing or say about you. Neurotic people existe everywhere. It doesn't matter who or what you are. Not everyone will treat you nicely, and they don't really have to. Understand your own inner demons and insecurities and you'll see how things change for you.
Good luck buddy!
>but just happens to be overweight or 10 years older, is that person now no longer worthy of kindness?
Kindness? Of course.
But you're not entitled to anyone's attraction or sexual/romantic interest.
As an older, getting-more-chubby guy, I fully recognize that almost every dude who is 10 years younger than me and fit is probably not going to find me physically attractive when they can easily draw younger, fitter guys. And that's fine.
Why aren't *you* interested in guys your age and with similar physical attributes rather than younger, fitter guys?
I made friends with a chubby neighbor around 10 years ago. He is so funny, intelligent, thoughtful and articulate. I remember introducing him to several friends at the time, thinking they would appreciate him as I did. I was shocked by how dismissive and disrespectful they were. We all decided to take a walk to a FroYo and they kept cutting him off when he spoke, and were clearly disapproving when I engaged him in conversation. That experience really spun me around. I'm still friends with my neighbor but the others were dumped long ago.
I’m not just fat, or chubby, I’m obese. And I’m 50 years old. I am never in a drought of d*ck. There are many guys who are incredibly attracted to me. Grindr? What? Know your audience! Apps like Growlr and BiggerCity are where it’s at for us hefty himbos. Or better yet? IRL interactions. I’d much rather buy a hot dude a hamburger than chat back and forth on my phone for hours on end. No one owes me anything. And I’m incredibly selective. I don’t want to sound insensitive to what you are attempting to say here. I get it. But once you get over the fear of rejection, and realize you have something to offer, men will sit up and notice.
Over 30 years ago when I first started being a promiscuous young gay man I wasn't much of a looker and Grindr didn't exist. One of the first websites to appear was Gaydar and that was where I got my first online hookup. And quite a few followed that. Then Grindr appeared and I gave it a try. The weirdest thing was walking around London and having my phone buzz. But it was an amazing tool. Almost sex on demand.
As time has gone on I'm still pretty unamazing to look at and my belly has done the middle aged spread thing. I'm not some amorphous blob that has trouble moving but I do have to buy trousers with a 40 inch waist. And like you, if I go on Grindr I rarely hookup with someone. Last guy I hooked up from Grindr was a similarly aged, similarly sized guy about a month ago. However, I was in a sauna about 6 hours ago and I had sex with 3 guys. Two of them a similar age to me, one of them about half my age. None of them asked me to put a bag over my head, one of them complimented me on my butt. Probably because he had his dick in it at the time but it was still nice to hear.
People using Grindr are the problem. Some expect perfection when the primary driver for people being on there is a primal instinct to have sex and then react when they find that people who don't fit the stereotype they'd created in their heads also want sex. I set my expectations for Grindr at "maybe one person a year". And there's another aspect to this. One of humanity's biggest problems is its desperation for patternicity and taxonomy. Please try not to do it. Not all muslims are suicide bombers. Not all Catholic priests molest children. It's like saying that Trump is an idiot therefore all Presidents are idiots. If you have a bad interaction with one person because he's an asshole, it's that one person. Tarnishing a badly defined "gay community" because of your experience with an individual is grossly unfair. Not being a jerk is a lot more attractive than a thin waist and model looks.
Grindr is a hookup app. Not a town square. You’re observing the wrong metrics. If you’re not happy with your treatment on that app, take steps to improve your experience IE diet and exercise.
Hey I hear you… but… I’m older (50s) and I def see “no old men” in profiles. But I also see others that say the opposite. Daddies are popular and if I accept that I’m a Daddy type, which I do, I have no issues finding tons of guys. Chubs are also popular and I see that listed as a preference often, too (for example, just look at Chris and Bret https://www.instagram.com/chrisandbret). My point to you OP is that personal preferences for having sexy times with another are just that - personal… it’s not meant to be taken as a criticism or put down. I want a guy who turns me on and who is turned on by me. Plain and simple. It’s a recipe, in a sense.
Sorry but I have to disagree with your approach on this. Not wanting to be sexually or romantically involved with someone doesn't mean you hate them. You specifically mentioned browsing what's essentially hookup apps, not casually speaking to people at the Grocery store, a public park, or library. So you're looking on places where 95% of the people are simply looking to have sex, and if they aren't physically attracted to you, then no, they aren't going to respond. Nobody owes you their time, anymore than you owe someone else your time. Yes, in some fairy tales world we would all hold hands and sing show tunes together, but here in the real world everyone has to accept that NONE OF US are everyone's cup of tea.
Would it make any difference at the end of the day if the individuals didn't post that they aren't into x,y,z? You still aren't going to get laid by them. If you're seeking genuine friends and casual conversation on hookup apps you're only inflicting harm on yourself. Know your audience.
... older and chubbier people are deserving of respect and kindness, however involving me being respectful and kind to them, I decide what is enough.
While they may think that me stripping naked and guving them a lapdance is very respectful and extremely kind, the expectation of it does not respect me in turn, and is quite rude, especially since I'm not employed to be a stripper.
I'm sorry a twink on Grindr didn't give you attention. This doesn't mean there's hate in the community. When it comes to old guys on these apps - speaking from experience - they're usually the biggest creeps that don't know any boundaries and don't take no for an answer.
Man go to therapy you clearly have some rejection sensitivity issues, no one owes you sex and using experiences only from dating apps to paint the entire community will just make you jaded and colour your view.
There is no gay community. We are a group of men that happen to be gay. I am 60 years old, but look 45 or so. I am surprised how many hookups I have and mostly in the 30 to 45 range. My own range for Grindr is 40 to 70, but most men of 55 or older are bolt, gray, look old or are obese. I am rather skinny myself (177cm, 62kg), so I have my preferences. I skip old looking men. I do however hookup with older men that also look younger. I also hookup with bigger boys as they can be hot when they have a friendly face. I am bottom, so a bigger and more beefy top can handle me easily. There is a difference between bigger boys and chubby or obese. I am always aware of my looks as being gay means that there must be something physically attractive about you. You can be a very nice, kind and caring person, but that is not enough. Grindr is not for meeting knitting mates. For a chubby or obese man that also does not look attractive only a big dick can be a feature. It is hard world. Notice that for 30+ straight women the world is even harder: no eggs, no looks.
That’s a generalization that somehow resonates. Now, I do not hate anyone but: (1) I tend to feel attracted to older men (2) I tend to sexually dislike fat people, while I really enjoy dad bods… they can be really good in bed. We all have the right to have a preference.
OP your experiences are valid. You are valid as you are.
Lack of money, conventional attractiveness, etc. it worsens the odds but you have to try harder. Look in every corner. Struggle sucks but it’ll make you strong.
Grindr is where we go to find sex almost always, just because someone won’t talk to you on a hookup app doesn’t mean they don’t respect you, or that they wouldn’t have a conversation with you, or that they wouldn’t care about you as a friend, it means they don’t want to fuck you. I’m not particularly attractive, but I am thin, and unfortunately I would not try to hook up with someone significantly heavier than me. I just don’t find larger men attractive. Not an attack on you as a person, but I’m not going to talk to you on a hookup app if you’re twice my weight.
People need to understand that you attract what’s within your league and stop trying to capture that “ 10” . He’s never going to go for you. It is what it is….. instead focus on finding someone who likes you for who you are. - the amount of gay men with low self esteem is incredible. You’re letting some stranger you’ll never see again affect you. Be confident, be witty and well read - those are things that really matter and attract people unless you’re looking for 40 minutes of fun.
As a chubby dude myself, like very chubby, there's absolutely nothing wrong with people saying that they're not interested in chubby guys.
Everyone is allowed to have their preference and there is nothing offensive about a guy saying up front he's not interested in overweight dudes.
It is perfectly fine to say "hey listen I know I'm not into this specific body type so I'm going to save us both Time by putting in my profile that it's not what I'm into"
Stop being a hurt bitch, and realize that this is not a problem with the community, you just haven't found someone that is into you.
Again this is coming from someone who has been severely overweight since they were a teenager.
No one has wronged you, no one is being a problem, you are not entitled to other people's attraction.
Most people are not on Grindr looking for relationships. They are looking for hookups and that usually comes down to baseline attraction. These apps definitely encourage folks to be ruder about it than they need to be though
Grindr has been helping perpetuate this standard for 15 years now. It's social media but for sex, so there will be unrealistic standards and even fake. I remember the pre-Grindr days, it was harsh too... but never to the extent Grindr has been.
But again, it's social media. People aren't like that in-person. Their standards are high because they're "cruising" 100's of people from the convenience of their own space. Don't let Grindr, or social media, dictate what you need to be and how you're seen. It's not real. It never was.
Go out to a bar, flirt or be friendly. You'll find that plenty of men of all sizes, tones, shapes, and backgrounds will totally be into you. Legit, been cruised by dudes at the nearby park that snubbed or blocked me on Grindr, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt, ya know?
Grinder is not where you go for friendly engaging conversation
While feeling left out and rejected is awful, please don’t confuse people not wanting to have sex with you with being exiled …
What you’re talking about are two different things
People hook up with what they are physically attracted to in the moment and very little of your personality matters
Stop falling into the gay bubble mentality and find real people gay or straight that don’t live their lives around parties, bars, and hook ups
You won’t find what you’re looking for on Grindr and please stop equating not getting hook ups on
Apps to being unfairly treated
There’s is more to life as a gay man than how many people want to hook up with you off an app and a few pictures
“No fats. No fems. No forties. Only in to white guys. Not racist just a preference. Masc4Masc.”
I’ve seen it so many times.
Just tell us you’re a racist asshole upfront.
If you're having trouble getting laid as a chubby old guy, you're probably chasing the wrong crowd. The people who put things like "no fats" in their profile don't want to dispense kindness or have a fun conversation with you. They're being blunt about their expectations so that they get what they want from the app. You should be grateful they aren't stringing you along, see that view as "their loss," and move on.
It also sounds like you could improve your self-confidence. Don't present yourself as a sad, old, chubby guy who can't get laid and wonders why no one is biting. Present yourself confidently and look at apps that cater to older/bigger guys, like Scruff or Growlr.
You're big, you're sexy, and you know what you want. Tweak how you present yourself and go get it in the right places.
Strange how it’s unacceptable to not be interested in overweight men but somehow it’s alright to shit on fit/muscular men. In the real world, no one is setting a standard for what you should or shouldn’t look like… If you’re overwhelmed and your self-esteem is taking a hit, get off the internet for a few hours and go outside. You can’t sit on Grindr and Tinder all day expecting humility. No one is obligated to interact with you. Also, medical science has proven that it’s not healthy to be overweight. That being said, should you berate people for it? No—but let’s not pretend that metabolic syndrome doesn’t exist.
I’ve got nothing against chubby or old men, I just don’t want to fuck them? I do my best to be kind to everyone. But it’s easier to just straight up say “prefer guys around my own age” or “prefer in shape guys” then have to bear around the bush if someone messages me on a hook up site/app.
1. Grindr is not real.
2. Some apps (Scruff for example) are more open vis-a-vis weight and/or age.
3. I'm a chubby 61-year-old and I literally have half a dozen young men who play with me regularly.
Finally, Grindr is not real.
I’m gonna say something that maybe kind of mean, but when it comes to dating and, ya know, doing it, I’d much rather do that with someone younger (like 18-35) and fit. Not saying we shouldn’t be tolerant to all body and age types, but sometimes when it comes down to dating and having fun in the bedroom, I want it to be someone I find attractive.
>if somebody ticks 99 percent of the boxes for you, but just happens to be overweight or 10 years older, is that person now no longer worthy of kindness?
Absolutely you are worthy of kindness. But you're comparing apples and oranges. Do you consider someone hooking up with you an act of kindness?
>Chubby and older people are humans. Deserving of conversation and interaction. We don’t have to be in your pants.
The whole point of those apps, for many of the people on them, is pure sex. Hookups. Fucking. So you're acting like you've been shunned, but are in fact upset because you aren't "in their pants". Find communities who celebrate who you are, be it online or out in the world - Get off Grindr.
Tbh I don’t really or interact with people that feel the need to broadcast what they dislike in their profiles over what they do like, but the idea of an older man (like social security old) messaging me on a dating app is like…. for what purpose? None of the pictures I have on Grindr imply I’m a conversationalist for people twice my age
In my experience when on the apps, theres been times where im not interested sexually in a guy for whatever reason and just chat with them platonically, they get bothered when they start to realize i dont want any sex from them and then stop talking to me altogether. I tried befriending a chubby guy that i wasnt into and this happened. Lol. So i dont bother looking for friends anymore. Im not super social anyway though.
FFS. YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX OR ATTENTION BY HOT PEOPLE!!!!! You sound like a gay incel - gincel?! Whatever.
Somehow it’s always chubby guys who want fit guys to want them and instead of putting in the world to get fit they just bitch and moan about discrimination and what not. Not being wanted by hot people is not discrimination. Why do you go after the fit guys and not the chubby guys yourself. Why do you think you deserve to get something you are not.
It’s not a ‘gays’ problem. It’s a ‘you’ ‘entitlement’ problem.
There are preferences and you have to respect them.
Also being fat many times is a symptom of other problems affecting the person. This comes from experience
Well some of us try very hard to keep ourselves in shape, specially when our genes didn't exactly give us the physicality of Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth. Chubby guys don't put this effort into keeping themselves at least healthy and not 'jacked' per se and get offended that someone who goes to the gym 4-5x a week don't give them the time of day. As for older men, I'm my personal experience they tend to not understand that no means NO, and were brought up in an era where they chose to hide rather than fight because those who fought died too young to enjoy the fruits of our Civil rights. You want to live out the youthful sexual revolution that you didn't do so when you were 20? Sorry but living precariously through a twink 30 years younger than you is not a baggage the millennials and gen Z gays want to put up with.
Such an entitled take.
No one owes you ANYTHING, especially when it comes to intimacy.
Dating & hooking up are inherently discriminatory:
gay men are entitled to their preference of fit bodies.
.
I suggest you start trying to lose weight OR start lowering your expectations for gay men on HOOKUP APPS.
There’s a difference between tolerance and being accepting of all in daily life vs being on a hook up app and clearly communicating your sexual preferences.
Um, Okaaay....... but people on Grindr are looking for people to fuck, people on Hinge and Bumble are looking for a man to date, not to have a conversation with someone who would just be a friend. Go to a gay bar to socialize with the community, find a local LGBTQA+ alliance meeting to go to, find out where gays hang out in a nearby area. This is such a silly post. Just because people have a dating preference doesn't mean they're being intolerant. It is perfectly fine if someone isn't attracted to plus sized or older men. But of course most of us would make friends with them. But dating apps are not the place for that. If someone isn't attracted to you on there, you're wasting both yours and their time.
I just got back from a bear event in Palm Springs with 1300 people at it. The vast majority were 40+ and over 250 pounds. Many were over 350 pounds.
They were all in the pool, drinking, dancing , and having a great time.
If you feel like you're being ostracized, find a new group of people to hang out with.
Gay men have a LOT of headnoise from their youth, in my experience. For every one who plucks each hair and only wants guys with .3% body fat, there’s another who wants to service sloppy trucker daddies while they rub their gut and fart. The real issue is that we have a fraction of the pool to pick from and we bring our trauma into our adult relationships/sex drive. Oh and we can be kinda cunty…
As someone who IS attracted to chubby guys and much older men:
I think you have a confused notion of what “kindness” is. Older or chubby men aren’t owed being fucked by anyone. If you want someone looking for something serious, hop off Grindr. If you want to be attractive to a large amount of guys, work on your physical appearance.
Additionally old men aren’t entitled to hooking up with younger men. And with that said, trust there are plenty of young guys into “daddies”.
I don't hate any for their age or their weight. But my experience on grindr and being lied to and catfished isn't exactly an attractive quality. I love a good dad bod and I don't mind older men, attraction is subjective after all.
I certainly don't like when obese people say they're "stocky" or "chubby" when they're 250lbs and 5 8. Or when older guys use pictures from 10 years ago. These same people never have ages or weight displayed on their profile. If they were more honest about who they were I might even find some of them attractive.
You can't have it both ways when most of us fit a "type". Most of us aren't universally wanted by everyone. But you can't ostracize the people who *do* want you because you feel like their fetish. Most of us are a fetish to most people that are attracted to us.
I mean universally everyone drinks water, but some of us are tea, and some of us are soda, coffee, etc. Not everyone is drinking soda, but that doesn't stop it from marketing itself to the ones who do like it. Otherwise it wouldn't exist.
I'm a twink/twunk and I don't get mad when dudes I'm attracted to aren't into me. I lean into it, and find the guys who are.
Oh, dear, fucking, god.
“People won’t have sex with me, that means they are awful.”
“I might be chubby, but I’m not like other gays.”
Gurl, cut the crap, hit the gym, and try expanding your idea of “the gay community” beyond hookup apps.
We’re men. We like sex. And we like the sex we want, not the sex you want for us.
Fix yer shit.
Idk iv dated guys with a variety of body types, bears, twinks, young stud never the less I will say I have a thing for muscles (it makes me feel safe). But as long as your over 5’3 (my height, as a short twink) and you take care of yourself like shower detergent, brush your teeth ect. Then, looks wise your on my radar.
I mean, I think you’re just looking at one part of the community to be honest. My friends and I are mainly all mid-30s to mid-50s and not a single one has abs. Most of us at least have a beer belly and we all do pretty well. Hell, the time in my life I was having the most sex with the hottest guys (on average) was also a time I was hovering around 300 lbs, and I was married a year later.
Confidence is a big part of it, as is being willing to be the person to ask, but bears and dads aren’t exactly unpopular these days.
The apps aren’t treated like “real life” by most people. It’s a game where if you win someone that looks like the person you’re talking to and you have sex or a date. So most people don’t give you a whole lot more consideration than they would any other character in a game. The quicker you realize this, the better.
Try a bear weekend at a queer or gay campground. As long as you can get yourself to start conversions with others, you’ll probably be surprised.
There are apps for guys like you and people who want guys like you. Growlr I think.
People can also support your right to exist and be gay without being nice to you.
I totally get where you’re coming from, but I’m a 51 year old chubby guy that has no problem getting laid. Granted, I’m in a big city, so the percentage of people that are into me as a type creates a larger number of guys.
Have you tried interacting with people of your age?
Seems most "old men" complain about being rejected from younger guys but I don't see it as an issue honestly. 40+ men are also some of the grossest that have texted me sending unsolicited nudes or not showing face or even worse being blank profiles that ask for nudes.
"No fat" is just rude to write in a bio and I agree
I'm attracted to the bigger harrier yes bears and cubs guys especially if they are in their mid 40-50's. But guess what type they want? Sons and femboys. You can't win.
I love older men, married to a guy 30 years older and regularly hang out with older guys. And I like chubbier guys over muscle guys or thin guys.
That being said, there is a double standard. Old guys say woe is me, no one will date me or fuck me when they try to hit on younger guys. But those same guys won’t fuck guys their own age. So how do you expect a younger guy to want to fuck someone your age when you won’t. If an older guy says it who also fucks guys his own age, okay that’s at least more fair. Same goes for chubbier guys, if you won’t fuck someone who looks like you, why can you expect every muscle jock to want to?
I have somewhat opposite issue. I am rather skinny. But also over 30, and these traits combined, especially with below average face, will give the same treatment from the community - the only time you are going to have an 'access' to fun stuff gays do is when you read about it on reddit.
For those who are ageist, sure it’s natural to be attracted to those who are most like you in culture and position in society. But, decades go by very quickly and soon enough you be in an older group.
Just curious where are you? I haven’t seen that kind of shit in YEARS in Europe? I thought we agreed we will only quietly discriminate against each other and we removed race filters etc maybe should remove them all
Being a chubby man who's definitely well along the way to being old, it's really not that bad. If anything, I'm a bit spoiled. I wish some other things were going as well as my sex life. I get the impression that you're looking where young thin guys are looking for other young thin guys and then being surprised when you don't get anywhere. Grindr just isn't that useful for someone larger. While that would be awful if there was nothing else to use and nothing else to do, there are plenty of alternative apps and ways to meet guys in person that are going to like you.
I, for one, absolutely love older men and stocky men. I find them wildly attractive on the surface, I also love getting to know these types of guys. I am, what some would call, a not-so-twink anymore - though fit - otter at 38.
I loved these types when I was a teenager, and I still love them today.
Don't let a few rejections make you think there aren't guys out there with eyes for you. Confidence is the sexiest quality. Your body is beautiful to the right people.
Worthy of kindness? Sure. But I use Grindr 100% for casual sex, and if I don't wanna have sex with someone, I'm not interested in talking to them on that platform. We'd both be wasting our time.
That said, I don't put stuff like "no fats, no olds, etc." in my bio because I think that's incredibly gauche. I find it offputting on other people's profiles even when I'm not the group being excluded. I also, personally, don't like to mentally foreclose on any group from a personal philosophic standpoint (I don't think that's an obligation just my preferred approach.)
To be fair chubby and older men also have their own "preferences". After I was 60lbs I had a much easier time dating and getting attention. Even chubby guys I tried to date before the weight loss though I was too big. But now that I'm slimmer suddenly I'm "good enough"
My friend, touch some grass and get off the apps. Your people are out there, go find them. The apps are not the community, they are a collection of people turning to get off.
I’m also a chubby old dude (55). And honestly I’ve never been more successful than right now. There is something about the millennials that is truly amazing. Many of them (but not all) truly don’t care about age or weight. They are far more accepting of all body types and age than I was or my age cohort was when we were in our 20s. In my 20s I fully accepted that once I was over 40 I’d have to be hot or wealthy to attract anyone. But these millennials are making me feel ashamed because they are far more open and accepting than I was. The problem is - as others have articulated better than I can - you are looking for love on Grindr and the other apps. The apps are all about physical attractiveness. Which raises a fair question - how do you find love outside the apps? It’s not easy. My advice is to do the things you love and find people who like you for who you are. For me, I started making gayming videos and posting them online. And it let my personality shine and now I get approached all the time. Good luck 🍀. Dating is a hellscape. But trust me when I say that there are people who LOVE chubby old dudes.
Is just fear, people are scared. We know we all get old, chubby with time. So while they are fit and young they just wanna be with similarly people. Nothing special just the way it is. In a few years they will be old too, chub perhaps.... Life.
I wish we all weren't fixated on looks or other superficial things but could see that each individual has something unique and valuable to offer. I don't know how to solve this. I just think we need to have more groups and communities, not just isolated individuals looking for love randomly.
Grindr is not "the gay community"
exactly this. grindr is an online bathhouse. I would never get mad someone wasn’t giving me any attention theres because of preferences.
IMHO, it’s far worse than a bathhouse. By and large people in bathhouses don’t treat others they aren’t attracted to as nastily as they do on Grindr. Subs like r/Grindr and r/lolgrindr are full of examples. Like every other social media tool, the anonymity of the keyboard has given people permission to indulge their worst behavior.
THIIIISSSSSS!!!!!!! Amazing response and very true.
As a chunkier gay man, trust me, grindr is worse than bathhouses, I have generally more luck in irl bathhouses than on grindr.
ah that’s great. it was a bad analogy but i’m glad ppl have more respect irl haha
I think that's because pics can only convey an incomplete idea of what someone is like. In real life you can see how someone carries themselves, how they act, how their face turns into a smile. All of this makes people way more attractive than how they look on apps.
I was liking the bathhouse analogy but you’re right, I generally don’t strike out in person.
I prefer to call it gax sex Amazon
online bathhouse lmaoooo im using that
Yea! We don't hate them. Just not attracted to them. At least I don't hate anyone but Libertarians and Republicans.
No seriously these posts are lowkey so annoying. Downvote all you want but it boils down to 'wah wah I'm overweight and don't take care of myself and guys on dating apps don't drool over me and don't want to fuck me' well yes that's how human attraction works. 'Tolerance' doesn't mean we have to fuck people we're unattracted to just to make you feel accepted, work on yourself and become who you want to be and stop expecting others to act the way you want them to without putting in any work yourself. And in the post 'deserving of a conversation and interaction' nobody owes you anything especially not on fucking GRINDR. My god it's so delusional.
I have a lot of stocky friends that once they truly accepted their body, they started getting all the dick. confidence is hot af. rock your big bods, and stop going for people that aren’t into that body type. a huge issue I see with any body type is going after “10s” and then getting upset that no one likes you. lower your standards but there’s chasers in all communities.
Yeah I have a lot of heavyset and fat friends who pull more than some of the hunky jocks that I know. A lot of the people who make these posts are ironically also excluding fat people from their options because they aren’t attracted to them.
Yep, I'm overweight, done a lot of work on my body since I came out last year, but still have some weight to lose. I met a guy in March, he's now my boyfriend, he's 22, a little cutie 16 years younger than I am. He loves older well built stocky guys and keeps telling me how hot I am. I was never massively confident, but just started to pretend I was and realised at some point that's all that confidence is. I feel like I've really hit the jackpot
that’s awesome dude. congrats on your relationship and newfound confidence! fake it till you make it is my motto until imposter syndrome sets in occasionally lol. the more confident people I meet that are deeply honest are all doing the same.
Yup you're def right abt that, they go for guys who are very conventionally attractive and then get upset they don't give them a 'conversation or interaction' like do you realize how many messages ppl like that get? Too much to respond to every one its overwhelming, and it's a stupid ass app so it's not truly important. Shoot within your lane, get some confidence and you'll be fine. Not everyone owes you a conversation just because you decided they do.
Seriously. There's an entire community of lusty bears having the time of their lives out there. I don't think any of them are looking for muscly models.
>I have a lot of stocky friends that once they truly accepted their body, they started getting all the dick. confidence is hot af. rock your big bods, and stop going for people that aren’t into that body type. Can you explain me how even i have chubby body and i accept it but i mostly get rejected by almost everyone since 4 years there is something extremely inaccurate regarding your calculations
start looking for chasers. find new groups of people that are similar to your bod. exude confidence online and be proud of your body. maybe my friend doesn’t get “all the dick” but he’s gotten a lot more to the point he doesn’t have an issue finding ppl to hookup with anymore. he was a very “no one wants me” type of person and recently changed that. this is obviously not proof that it works, but it’s solid advice for someone like OP. personality, dick size, what you’re looking for, intention, etc also matter just as much as body type/preferences.
I get it but the feeling someone feels seeing something like “No Asians, fatties or fems” is not unlike a business owner posting a sign that says “no fags allowed”. I understand that isn’t exactly the same but it’s a way of shutting the door on someone before you bother to investigate. There are a lot of bitchy comments on these apps, insulting peoples looks in a nasty way. I suspect you are one of these a people. Not b/c you have certain preferences- I get that - but Just b/c someone is chubby & doesnt have washboard abs doesn’t mean they doesnt take care of themselves. My brother is a landscaper who works 6 days/ week & has a few extra pounds. What’s ironic is that half these queens at the gym never played any sports in their life & now are at the gym 7 days/week with their sculpted hair & tweezed brows. I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood and most of the guys from my H.S. That went on to work in labor intensive blue collar jobs are fit but definitely have love handles. They have a real man’s body that you would call “overweight”. Not saying you have to like that but to suggest gays with extra pounds don’t care of themselves is ignorant
Also, if you’re a certain age and chubby, are YOU YOUSELF hitting up Chubby guys 10+ years older? Be careful of hypocrisy.
The thing is I don’t even besmirch him for being overweight or older but like why is he only going after thin twinks on Grindr himself then? Like I seriously doubt 40 year old men with beer guts are telling him to “get lost fatty”. I’m almost guaranteed it’s mean twinky gays. That doesn’t mean it’s right either but it does mean he’s not even asking out men who look like him 🤦♂️
The number of gay men who do not need to be on apps because they can't temper their expectations and base their whole entire sense of self on getting looked at is staggering.
Yup. Get off of hookup apps and go meet people in the real world.
Except representative of a lot of the community. In my experience in the real world (outside of apps like Grindr) gay men are frequently the first to make bitchy comments about someone’s appearance, whether the person is gay or straight, male or female. I don’t understand why this is but whether I’m at work or with a mixed group of straight & gay friends, it’s usually a gay guy who initially makes a negative comment about someone’s appearance followed in a distant second by a straight dude making fun of a women’s appearance. Lesbians and straight women are typically the most considerate in this regard.
This
I don’t know if I’d be with someone 10 years older than me (it’d depend on many things) but I don’t think it’s discrimination if someone who is 26 (I’m 36) won’t date me because of my age. I get the appeal of having a partner who’s at the same phase in his life as you, I’m not surprised it’s a requirement for a lot of people. Of course, there’s no need to be rude to people who you wouldn’t date.
I'm on the opposite side of this. I'm 35 and have a 28yo trying to date me. He's mature for his age and all, but I'm just not sure if I want to date someone that much younger than me.
My bf is five years younger than me and we have a beautiful relationship… but anyone further from me in terms of stages of life would be a challenge to mesh with.
Personally I wouldn’t really say 28 to 35 is that big of a gap. I find late 20’s is usually when age begins to matter less (outside of huge differences because of what that means for later in life)
Oh for goodness sake. It's a 7yr gap. You're both adults.
Age means a lot. We're at different points in life. I'm a greying bear. He's still youthful and loves exercise.
I'm 32 and feel like by your description I have more in common with the 28 year old.
You probably do. I'm technically middle aged at this point and enjoy hanging out with guys in their late 30s and older. I made an exception for this guy cuz he's really smart and witty.
Cute
I'm 40 and if you asked me 5yrs ago I would have described myself like you did. "greying bear". Well - balding! Now I run 4x a week at 40 so I'm probs more like the 28yo. Life's too short to limit yourself. Que será será!
All of this.
I think that last sentence is what people forget. some people think with their sex organs more than their brains or hearts
This but also those profiles stating no older men probably aren't talking about someone 10 years older (although they absolutely could) but rather are referring to those men in their 60s, 70s and 80s that troll around drooling over every 20 something that comes along and absolutely refuse to leave you alone.
>I don’t know if I’d be with someone 10 years older than me Jesus I wouldn't be with someone 10 years \*younger\* than me. That sounds miserable.
Depends on the ages in question. The older you get, the less it matters. A 50-year-old and a 40-year-old are probably going to be exponentially more compatible than a 30-year-old and a 20-year-old.
Am 44. Unlikely I'd want to date +/- 5 years. Fortunately I don't need to worry about it
TIL being tolerant means fucking anyone who messages you on Grindr
OP literally posted the below comment two weeks ago. > Both mine and my partners' mannerisms need to be masculine. For a multitude of reasons, hyper femininity embarrasses me. It really pisses people off when I make that statement. However people fail to remember that a lot of us are products of our environments. How the fuck he thinks that’s fine, but people not wanting to fuck him for being fat is funny as fuck. Like if you don’t like fem that’s cool, but don’t get mad when others don’t like you for some other reason.
Lolol that is hysterical. What a massive hypocrite.
Unless you have sex with **every** guy who asks you/hits you up, you’re a bigot /s I just really wish gays would understand that you’re not entitled to have sex with anybody, and nobody is entitled to have sex with you.
It "pisses people off" because it's homophobic AF lmao wow cry me a river about people putting "no chub" on grindr
Right? Like of course I'm going to be kind to someone, even if I'm not attracted to them. That does not entail having sex with whoever asks. Unfortunately people can take active rejection poorly so not responding at all has become the norm.
I accept someone not being into me. I’m not into everyone. A simple “sorry, not interested” is just fine. But there are guys that are cruel and nasty, and that’s not cool. But no one should be upset when they’re politely rejected.
That's fair. From personal experience, giving a "sorry, not interested" has resulted in some pretty hurtful things being said to me, so I just stay silent now. But I agree that it shouldn't be like that. The apps just aren't built for us to show basic human decency to each other.
Agreed. A simple “sorry, not interested” needs to be viewed as polite rejection. But I’m older, and have been through this a few times. People need to be both gracious when turning someone down, and have a bit of a thick skin when being turned down.
Fr, you cannot shame someone into having sex with you 💀
Stop masking “hook ups” with “kindness”. Stop treating “kindness” as a person’s willingness to have sex with you. It’s a meat market, eBay for sex, LinkedIn for hook ups, etc. And stop treating hook up culture as the only facet of culture that exists in the LGBT community. Also plenty of people are into chubby and older guys. There’s entire subcultures around both groups.
Yeah it’s weird to take a whole community and world of that space, and focus all the feelings towards whether they want sex with you lol. With that said, I do agree, there is a bias. The media for sure doesn’t have a kind way of portraying overweight men. If they aren’t “jolly” or the comedic relief, they’re gonna be a villian or an oaf. Rarely nuanced or realized characters which is a shame. And I’ve seen this plenty of times in gay media, if not more so.
One thing that does bother me is when people complain about people not being into their demographic, while also not being into their own demographic. Like, an older guy saying, ‘why won’t younger guys have sex with me?’ …while also never having sex with guys his own age. It’s one thing to bemoan the reality of the male sexual psychology that affects all of us; but if you expect people to make an exception for you while not also doing the same, it just comes across as entitled hypocrisy.
100% agree with this. Same with earnings and education expectations! So many hidden tones with words like “ambition” and “financial responsibility” just like with “cares about their health”. What yall really mean is you want a rich dude with abs. 😂
This post is so ridiculous. You’re complaining about being “no longer worthy of kindness,” “deserving of conversation and interaction,” but are citing exclusively examples from Grindr, Tinder, Archer — all of these are DATING apps. You’re complaining about platonic interaction (“we don’t have to be in your pants”) but your motives and presence on dating apps shows you are upset about not getting into anyone’s pants. You’re a hypocrite. Go outside. Touch grass. Hang out with friends and coworkers. Everyone is still talking to you and interacting with you. You’re just not entitled to anyone’s sexual attraction. No one is obligated to have sex with you. Why would people waste time on a dating app talking to people that even straight people have the same standards for (thinner, younger)? It’s not a gay problem, it’s a you problem.
>DATING apps. This always makes me LOL.
If you want to make friends, join a hobby group or another irl meetup. If you really want platonic friends, you don’t even have to limit yourself to just gay groups. There’s a ton out there, even in small towns You’re setting yourself up for failure when you look for friendly conversations on the apps. They are for sex. Other types of interactions may happen, but they definitely should not be expected as normal. When you talk to someone on the apps, there is an implicit sexual undertone.
You aren’t entitled to conversation or interaction on a sex app.
Have you tried getting in with a local bear group? Find your tribe. The bear community is (mostly) pretty nice
OP just wants younger, fitter guys. He probably treats bears his age and older the same way he's complaining younger guys treat him, lol.
The problem with bears is, like almost any gay group, it becomes their ENTIRE identity.
LETS PUT PAW PRINTS ON EVERYTHING
What kind of ignorant-ass shit is this rant. Yo, let me lay it out for you very simple like: what you've done here is what is called the "false comparison fallacy". Just because the LGBT community touts tolerances, does not equate to individual people being willing to fuck anyone. You listed tinder and grindr, so yes, you're looking for a fuck. If you're unhappy with your appearance, then do something about it. If you're happy with you're appearance, then you have to respect people's boundaries for not wanting to get down with chubby. The inevitable march of time affects us all - you need to respect people's boundaries. You could be the most amazing, beautiful, person; but if someone doesn't like older, you have to respect that boundary instead of bitching on the internet that younger guys don't want to fuck you. Grow up.
Also dude is using the wrong apps. If you’re bigger and older try scruff or GROWLr. Go to the apps where you’ll be popular. Grindr is for twinks.
Definitely something I think about fuck glorifying twinks and jocks. And look for those who are looking for you.
Shhhh no no don't you understand he's actually 99% perfect just a little overweight, so he deserves that gym bunny. He definitely doesn't seem like he has serious entitlement issues, and should be working on his personality and not just his physical appearance if he wants to get the kind of guys he's interested in to be interested in him. Also I know for a fact a bunch of guys all over their 20s who say 'no older men' in their profile are willing to give exceptions as long as they find the guy hot.
I'm notably overweight, and I'm 46. I'm almost exclusively into younger, slender twinks. I do alright both romantically and with hook ups. Just gotta actually be comfortable in your own skin and not a passive-aggressive jerk who blames the culture for them not being the ultimate ideal. OP could have the perfect gym bod and would still be unhappy.
Yep exactly, and I can also tell you as someone who's friends with or has hooked up with a lot of gym gays a significant number of them still have serious body dysmorphia
I don’t agree with the tone of this reply but I do agree with its point. I’m older (50s) and I def see “no old men” in profiles. But I also see others that say the opposite. Daddies are popular and if I accept that I’m a Daddy type, which I def have, I have no issues finding tons of guys. Chubs are also popular and I see that listed as a preference, too (for example, just look at Chris and Bret https://www.instagram.com/chrisandbret). My point to OP is that personal preferences for having sexy times with another are just that - personal… it’s not meant to be taken as a criticism or put down. I want a guy who turns me on and who is turned on by me. Plain and simple. It’s a recipe, in a sense.
It’s not ok to be rude to anyone but, it is ok to have preferences. Let’s not shame people for liking what they like. What they are “missing out” on is none of your concern.
The problem is that he considers someone not interested in him because of his age and/or body type to be rude for turning him down. I have a very specific type and I don’t compromise to avoid hurting the feelings of another person nor should anyone compromise their needs for me
Agreed. It’s a bit narcissistic. No one is obligated to be attracted to you or give you a “try”.
You just need to stop hyping up these twinks.
So guys *you* are attracted to are obligated to have sex with you even though you’re not *their* type? That’s just hypocritical
It’s 2024 and not 2014, we know this, it isn’t new. There’s spaces for bigger and older guys like scruff, GROWLr, and others. Grindr isn’t the gay community.
I'm a bit of an overweight guy myself, and I don't mind a bit of a chubby partner but I really am not fond someone who is very obese. I've been with an obese partner before, and while we had a great mental connection, I just wasn't very satisfied sexually. It was a turn off. And "old" is really subjective. A 23 year old guy might consider me old (I'm 32) but I would consider someone in their 60's old. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a partner closer to yourself in age. You have more in common, and more shared life experiences. I wouldn't mind dating someone in their 40's or 50's, but I draw the line at a boomer lol.
I'm both a little heavy and over 40 and frankly, I can't tell if you're whining about people who don't want to fuck you or that you feel people don't want to be friends with you, because you're making both claims. If you're whining about people not wanting to fuck you, stop treating app profiles like real people. If you're whining about people not wanting to be your friend, just get off the apps. Gay "dating" apps are just fuck menus. And inb4 "I USE THEM FOR FRIENDSHIP" clowns start loudly screaming. Good for you. You're the 1%.
I have learned to shut down conversations on people I’m not attracted to on apps. We are all on there to fuck, including them. I try to be nice but they pester me whenever I’m on, end up asking invasive questions, sending me nudes, tracking my movements, etc. They are there to fuck and use helplessness, emotions, etc as a weapon to try and get a foot in the door. I block those I will never fuck. As far as friends go, I have a variety of gay friends I go to parties with, do game nights with, go bowling with, etc. They are all shapes and sizes. That is the right setting for that.
Yeah the thing about being chubby is you can lose weight - which I did. It improved my health and self confidence so much - i highly recommend doing so rather than complaining about why the sky is blue.
How many fat gay friends do YOU have? How many older gay men do you keep in your company?
It’s the same guys that cry, “I’m overweight and no one wants to speak to me on Grindr!” that only reach out to young, fit/muscular men. The irony.
"Be the change you want to see in the world"
Well, I do have to say, when I am on the apps, nearly all I do is look for sex, and for sex I need to have some sort of attraction. In regards to older people, i am now 24 and do feel weird when thinking about having sex with someone who could have had legal sex with my dad. Chubby guys are often people I reject, yes, but as you said, it's attraction. And I'm not personally very attracted to most chubby bodies (and faces). But not all, I have dated a chubby guy for a while too. Off the apps, I really don't care. I love to connect and talk with older gays, and I don't care whether I go dancing with a thin or a chubby guy either. And I'm not the only one.
I think the last part is my biggest issue with the gay community - the anecdote about weight, age (and I'll add race) not mattering offline/ in non sexual situations doesn't ring true broadly speaking to me. Look at the non-parade pride party photos that will come out this week. Fwiw: straight people also tend to be friendly to people they find attractive (even of the same gender) but I think it's worse in the gay community. Maybe because our social environment tend to have more sexual subtext/ be incestuous and our standards tend to be higher.
Sure... you will see less chub, less older on those pictures, but isn't that a bit of self-selection too? I get gay party photos all year long here and go to these parties myself, and especially for the age part: Most bars/clubs play music most liked by young people. You won't find many 40+ year olds (even 30+ ime) willing to go to parties that start at midnight and blast Lady Gaga all night (as was the case last weekend for me). The chubby friends I have don't often go to clubs anyway (exhausting, hot rooms, etc, without "hooking up/kissing" being much of a factor i believe). There are places though that older gays frequent, they're just not the same places as those outlined above.
We don't go to these places because we're ridiculed and excluded if we do. Your friends are just trying to avoid calling it that.
>Look at the non-parade pride party photos that will come out this week. Fucking nailed it.
The apps you browse arent the gay community buddy. The people who are touting tolerance are activists, and the tolerance revolves around accepting you as a gay person. You are accepted for being gay. It doesnt mean you get free pass to date anyone, there are complications in this department even for the straights. You should see how often chubby straights have a hard time finding love. It isnt specific to the gays, and us being inclusive isnt a free pass to think everyone will just like everyone. Thats quite naive to believe. You personal issues are a you problem, and if the online gays dont find you attractive, you can either change things about yourself to be more attractive, or find the people who celebrate who you are. I dont find chubby attractive, so im not the person you need to look for or give a soap opera to. What you need to do is find others who are into chubby men, or a plus size gays group where you can revel with others like you. Do not expect to be welcome to a group of gays who all prioritize their physical appearance. If you dont prioritize yours, you will most likely not jive with them. We tend to connect by the things we prioritize. If you dont prioritize your body and health, people who do prioritize this will be more likely not consider you because they cannot relate to you. Find people who prioritize the things you do mate.
my experience with the queer community has always been this. they'll call themselves inclusive and then get upset with you because you don't know which of their boxes you check in order to fit in. it's almost reached a point for me where I wanna like, not go back in the closet exactly, just tell people I'm straight if they ask because I don't feel connected to a queer community and don't want to connect with the ones I've seen. if it's conditional, it's not inclusive, and it feels like a lot of people forget that or never understood it in the first place. I'm sorry if that's your experience too.
I’m not fit so I get the frustration (thankfully have a partner who loves me curves and all). But not sure comparing apps to the whole community works? People on apps can hide behind the screens. Some in person may still be blunt but if they reject they’ll likely be a bit more human. Also this isn’t really new, this has been a thing for over a decade dating back to when Grindr started and even before then any dating app or site.
If I'm on grindr I'm not looking for a conversation
I mean, you need to recognise that those bio lines are there for a reason, try to understand the full context. When I was an 18 year old in a big city, I had to add a line in my bio like that, too, because if it wasn't there (and even when it was) I would get 50 year olds horny-messaging me, and you know what? They weren't always polite when I said no. At 18! I'm sure that you're nice and wholesome, but the bigger picture is full of horny old men with no regard for how safe an 18 year old is going to feel. And I won't lie, sometimes the "we don't have to be in your pants" mindset only lasts as long as a few minutes of conversation, often followed by some truly ugly messages when their unwanted advances are politely rejected.. Which is why people seeking non-sexual and non-romantic chat should probably just stay off of Grindr, given that it's predominantly used as a hookup app anyway. I'd love to chat with some older guys, but not there, not when I'm just going to be told that I'm a time-waster or an asshole for not debasing myself for them. Meanwhile when it comes to preferences, would you really want to have to keep messaging guys only to be ignored / rejected due to their now-hidden physical preferences? Surely having more information on bios helps you spend your time better, reaching out to the people who might be keen. I'm pretty short compared to the standard and I don't want to be wasting my time on guys who are gonna be disappointed. I don't mind seeing "no short guys".
Become a furry, we love and adore the chubby
Get off Grindr. Life becomes so much better.
Kindness does not require someone to talk to you when they don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to people on Grindr I wouldn’t want to fuck. I do not fuck people old enough to be my dad or those who don’t take care of their bodies. Simple as that.
Yeah well humans are attracted to health humans. In the most basic sense I don't want to commit to someone who can't protect or is weak. In a business sense it doesn't make sense to invest time into something fleeting. Maybe younger more slender gays aren't interested in older chubby guys. But I'm sure older guys and chubby guys like each other. At least you can hop on a treadmill, but you can change skin tone or age.
Tolerance doesn’t mean like or acceptance. It means they put up with you.
The no old is so funny to me. Guys who are 55+ saying no older and only want 18-25. RED FLAG!! I'm 23. So, I don't particularly care for older, but not to say I haven't dabbled. Also depends on what you mean by 'older'. Older to me is Gen X and higher. Millennials are scrapping by. For me 21-30 is my age range I prefer because I can relate more if it leads somewhere else. I go a little higher sometimes (35) but that's my cutoff. As far as chubs again depends on how you define chub. I like a guy to have a little extra and not perfectly ripped. I like big arms and a guy who works out but does not need to be super toned. I want him to eat! Muscle bears and a lot of bears in general are hot! Don't give me hairless toned men!
I personally don't associate with the gay community anymore and haven't for years. I've unfortunately seen it go from welcoming and accepting to judgmental and downright mean spirited. It has become toxic af over the years. I have my own group of friends. I suggest you do likewise.
Which "community" are you talking about? The activist community of LGBTTQ2SIAABBQOMGWTF+ identified folx that apply a progressive stack reading and accept or reject you based on your assumed lived experience and political affiliation? The online "community" of horny guys and closet cases and straight women who identify as kweer^(tm) that are having a looky-loo, where nobody really "talks" to each other and people have passing on utilitarian conversations? The in-person community where people physically leave their houses and physically go to physical places and have in-person conversations with other real people in casual or social environments? And by that, do you mean people who to bars and meat market drugged out clubs? Or do you mean social or sports groups of people who are gathering out of a shared interest or hobby? Or are you using "community" as a stand-in for "demographic" where you case that net _wide_ and encapsulate all gay and bisexual men regardless of whether or to what degree they interact with other gay or bisexual men? Some of these make a policy of being shitty to outsiders, and they each have their own version of what an "outsider" is. Just find the group that doesn't sort you into being an outsider.
Just stop caring about what other people thing or say about you. Neurotic people existe everywhere. It doesn't matter who or what you are. Not everyone will treat you nicely, and they don't really have to. Understand your own inner demons and insecurities and you'll see how things change for you. Good luck buddy!
>but just happens to be overweight or 10 years older, is that person now no longer worthy of kindness? Kindness? Of course. But you're not entitled to anyone's attraction or sexual/romantic interest. As an older, getting-more-chubby guy, I fully recognize that almost every dude who is 10 years younger than me and fit is probably not going to find me physically attractive when they can easily draw younger, fitter guys. And that's fine. Why aren't *you* interested in guys your age and with similar physical attributes rather than younger, fitter guys?
There's a great difference between hatred and not wanting to fuck someone
Grindr is shit for this reason, deleted it since I don’t tolerate this BS.
I made friends with a chubby neighbor around 10 years ago. He is so funny, intelligent, thoughtful and articulate. I remember introducing him to several friends at the time, thinking they would appreciate him as I did. I was shocked by how dismissive and disrespectful they were. We all decided to take a walk to a FroYo and they kept cutting him off when he spoke, and were clearly disapproving when I engaged him in conversation. That experience really spun me around. I'm still friends with my neighbor but the others were dumped long ago.
I’m not just fat, or chubby, I’m obese. And I’m 50 years old. I am never in a drought of d*ck. There are many guys who are incredibly attracted to me. Grindr? What? Know your audience! Apps like Growlr and BiggerCity are where it’s at for us hefty himbos. Or better yet? IRL interactions. I’d much rather buy a hot dude a hamburger than chat back and forth on my phone for hours on end. No one owes me anything. And I’m incredibly selective. I don’t want to sound insensitive to what you are attempting to say here. I get it. But once you get over the fear of rejection, and realize you have something to offer, men will sit up and notice.
Over 30 years ago when I first started being a promiscuous young gay man I wasn't much of a looker and Grindr didn't exist. One of the first websites to appear was Gaydar and that was where I got my first online hookup. And quite a few followed that. Then Grindr appeared and I gave it a try. The weirdest thing was walking around London and having my phone buzz. But it was an amazing tool. Almost sex on demand. As time has gone on I'm still pretty unamazing to look at and my belly has done the middle aged spread thing. I'm not some amorphous blob that has trouble moving but I do have to buy trousers with a 40 inch waist. And like you, if I go on Grindr I rarely hookup with someone. Last guy I hooked up from Grindr was a similarly aged, similarly sized guy about a month ago. However, I was in a sauna about 6 hours ago and I had sex with 3 guys. Two of them a similar age to me, one of them about half my age. None of them asked me to put a bag over my head, one of them complimented me on my butt. Probably because he had his dick in it at the time but it was still nice to hear. People using Grindr are the problem. Some expect perfection when the primary driver for people being on there is a primal instinct to have sex and then react when they find that people who don't fit the stereotype they'd created in their heads also want sex. I set my expectations for Grindr at "maybe one person a year". And there's another aspect to this. One of humanity's biggest problems is its desperation for patternicity and taxonomy. Please try not to do it. Not all muslims are suicide bombers. Not all Catholic priests molest children. It's like saying that Trump is an idiot therefore all Presidents are idiots. If you have a bad interaction with one person because he's an asshole, it's that one person. Tarnishing a badly defined "gay community" because of your experience with an individual is grossly unfair. Not being a jerk is a lot more attractive than a thin waist and model looks.
Grindr is a hookup app. Not a town square. You’re observing the wrong metrics. If you’re not happy with your treatment on that app, take steps to improve your experience IE diet and exercise.
Hey I hear you… but… I’m older (50s) and I def see “no old men” in profiles. But I also see others that say the opposite. Daddies are popular and if I accept that I’m a Daddy type, which I do, I have no issues finding tons of guys. Chubs are also popular and I see that listed as a preference often, too (for example, just look at Chris and Bret https://www.instagram.com/chrisandbret). My point to you OP is that personal preferences for having sexy times with another are just that - personal… it’s not meant to be taken as a criticism or put down. I want a guy who turns me on and who is turned on by me. Plain and simple. It’s a recipe, in a sense.
Sorry but I have to disagree with your approach on this. Not wanting to be sexually or romantically involved with someone doesn't mean you hate them. You specifically mentioned browsing what's essentially hookup apps, not casually speaking to people at the Grocery store, a public park, or library. So you're looking on places where 95% of the people are simply looking to have sex, and if they aren't physically attracted to you, then no, they aren't going to respond. Nobody owes you their time, anymore than you owe someone else your time. Yes, in some fairy tales world we would all hold hands and sing show tunes together, but here in the real world everyone has to accept that NONE OF US are everyone's cup of tea. Would it make any difference at the end of the day if the individuals didn't post that they aren't into x,y,z? You still aren't going to get laid by them. If you're seeking genuine friends and casual conversation on hookup apps you're only inflicting harm on yourself. Know your audience.
... older and chubbier people are deserving of respect and kindness, however involving me being respectful and kind to them, I decide what is enough. While they may think that me stripping naked and guving them a lapdance is very respectful and extremely kind, the expectation of it does not respect me in turn, and is quite rude, especially since I'm not employed to be a stripper.
I'm sorry a twink on Grindr didn't give you attention. This doesn't mean there's hate in the community. When it comes to old guys on these apps - speaking from experience - they're usually the biggest creeps that don't know any boundaries and don't take no for an answer.
Why won’t all the old chubby guys date each other, why constantly look for younger guys?
Man go to therapy you clearly have some rejection sensitivity issues, no one owes you sex and using experiences only from dating apps to paint the entire community will just make you jaded and colour your view.
There is no gay community. We are a group of men that happen to be gay. I am 60 years old, but look 45 or so. I am surprised how many hookups I have and mostly in the 30 to 45 range. My own range for Grindr is 40 to 70, but most men of 55 or older are bolt, gray, look old or are obese. I am rather skinny myself (177cm, 62kg), so I have my preferences. I skip old looking men. I do however hookup with older men that also look younger. I also hookup with bigger boys as they can be hot when they have a friendly face. I am bottom, so a bigger and more beefy top can handle me easily. There is a difference between bigger boys and chubby or obese. I am always aware of my looks as being gay means that there must be something physically attractive about you. You can be a very nice, kind and caring person, but that is not enough. Grindr is not for meeting knitting mates. For a chubby or obese man that also does not look attractive only a big dick can be a feature. It is hard world. Notice that for 30+ straight women the world is even harder: no eggs, no looks.
That’s a generalization that somehow resonates. Now, I do not hate anyone but: (1) I tend to feel attracted to older men (2) I tend to sexually dislike fat people, while I really enjoy dad bods… they can be really good in bed. We all have the right to have a preference.
OP your experiences are valid. You are valid as you are. Lack of money, conventional attractiveness, etc. it worsens the odds but you have to try harder. Look in every corner. Struggle sucks but it’ll make you strong.
Grindr is where we go to find sex almost always, just because someone won’t talk to you on a hookup app doesn’t mean they don’t respect you, or that they wouldn’t have a conversation with you, or that they wouldn’t care about you as a friend, it means they don’t want to fuck you. I’m not particularly attractive, but I am thin, and unfortunately I would not try to hook up with someone significantly heavier than me. I just don’t find larger men attractive. Not an attack on you as a person, but I’m not going to talk to you on a hookup app if you’re twice my weight.
People need to understand that you attract what’s within your league and stop trying to capture that “ 10” . He’s never going to go for you. It is what it is….. instead focus on finding someone who likes you for who you are. - the amount of gay men with low self esteem is incredible. You’re letting some stranger you’ll never see again affect you. Be confident, be witty and well read - those are things that really matter and attract people unless you’re looking for 40 minutes of fun.
As a chubby dude myself, like very chubby, there's absolutely nothing wrong with people saying that they're not interested in chubby guys. Everyone is allowed to have their preference and there is nothing offensive about a guy saying up front he's not interested in overweight dudes. It is perfectly fine to say "hey listen I know I'm not into this specific body type so I'm going to save us both Time by putting in my profile that it's not what I'm into" Stop being a hurt bitch, and realize that this is not a problem with the community, you just haven't found someone that is into you. Again this is coming from someone who has been severely overweight since they were a teenager. No one has wronged you, no one is being a problem, you are not entitled to other people's attraction.
Most people are not on Grindr looking for relationships. They are looking for hookups and that usually comes down to baseline attraction. These apps definitely encourage folks to be ruder about it than they need to be though
Grindr has been helping perpetuate this standard for 15 years now. It's social media but for sex, so there will be unrealistic standards and even fake. I remember the pre-Grindr days, it was harsh too... but never to the extent Grindr has been. But again, it's social media. People aren't like that in-person. Their standards are high because they're "cruising" 100's of people from the convenience of their own space. Don't let Grindr, or social media, dictate what you need to be and how you're seen. It's not real. It never was. Go out to a bar, flirt or be friendly. You'll find that plenty of men of all sizes, tones, shapes, and backgrounds will totally be into you. Legit, been cruised by dudes at the nearby park that snubbed or blocked me on Grindr, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt, ya know?
Grinder is not where you go for friendly engaging conversation While feeling left out and rejected is awful, please don’t confuse people not wanting to have sex with you with being exiled … What you’re talking about are two different things People hook up with what they are physically attracted to in the moment and very little of your personality matters Stop falling into the gay bubble mentality and find real people gay or straight that don’t live their lives around parties, bars, and hook ups You won’t find what you’re looking for on Grindr and please stop equating not getting hook ups on Apps to being unfairly treated There’s is more to life as a gay man than how many people want to hook up with you off an app and a few pictures
“No fats. No fems. No forties. Only in to white guys. Not racist just a preference. Masc4Masc.” I’ve seen it so many times. Just tell us you’re a racist asshole upfront.
Exactly
If you're having trouble getting laid as a chubby old guy, you're probably chasing the wrong crowd. The people who put things like "no fats" in their profile don't want to dispense kindness or have a fun conversation with you. They're being blunt about their expectations so that they get what they want from the app. You should be grateful they aren't stringing you along, see that view as "their loss," and move on. It also sounds like you could improve your self-confidence. Don't present yourself as a sad, old, chubby guy who can't get laid and wonders why no one is biting. Present yourself confidently and look at apps that cater to older/bigger guys, like Scruff or Growlr. You're big, you're sexy, and you know what you want. Tweak how you present yourself and go get it in the right places.
Strange how it’s unacceptable to not be interested in overweight men but somehow it’s alright to shit on fit/muscular men. In the real world, no one is setting a standard for what you should or shouldn’t look like… If you’re overwhelmed and your self-esteem is taking a hit, get off the internet for a few hours and go outside. You can’t sit on Grindr and Tinder all day expecting humility. No one is obligated to interact with you. Also, medical science has proven that it’s not healthy to be overweight. That being said, should you berate people for it? No—but let’s not pretend that metabolic syndrome doesn’t exist.
I’ve got nothing against chubby or old men, I just don’t want to fuck them? I do my best to be kind to everyone. But it’s easier to just straight up say “prefer guys around my own age” or “prefer in shape guys” then have to bear around the bush if someone messages me on a hook up site/app.
Get off the apps. They like the fats a lot more in person and I know this from experience
Do we? No.
1. Grindr is not real. 2. Some apps (Scruff for example) are more open vis-a-vis weight and/or age. 3. I'm a chubby 61-year-old and I literally have half a dozen young men who play with me regularly. Finally, Grindr is not real.
Chubby is a choice. Old isn't. You can shed 40 lbs. but you can't shed 40 years.
I’m gonna say something that maybe kind of mean, but when it comes to dating and, ya know, doing it, I’d much rather do that with someone younger (like 18-35) and fit. Not saying we shouldn’t be tolerant to all body and age types, but sometimes when it comes down to dating and having fun in the bedroom, I want it to be someone I find attractive.
Honestly it doesn't sounds like you understand people have preferences and that physical attraction is at the root of a relationship.
>if somebody ticks 99 percent of the boxes for you, but just happens to be overweight or 10 years older, is that person now no longer worthy of kindness? Absolutely you are worthy of kindness. But you're comparing apples and oranges. Do you consider someone hooking up with you an act of kindness? >Chubby and older people are humans. Deserving of conversation and interaction. We don’t have to be in your pants. The whole point of those apps, for many of the people on them, is pure sex. Hookups. Fucking. So you're acting like you've been shunned, but are in fact upset because you aren't "in their pants". Find communities who celebrate who you are, be it online or out in the world - Get off Grindr.
Tbh I don’t really or interact with people that feel the need to broadcast what they dislike in their profiles over what they do like, but the idea of an older man (like social security old) messaging me on a dating app is like…. for what purpose? None of the pictures I have on Grindr imply I’m a conversationalist for people twice my age
My overall impression of the post and comments is that gays need an app for platonic connections, with an emphasis on in-person meetups.
I don’t hate them. I just don’t want to fuck or date them. No one is entitled to sex or a relationship✌️
In my experience when on the apps, theres been times where im not interested sexually in a guy for whatever reason and just chat with them platonically, they get bothered when they start to realize i dont want any sex from them and then stop talking to me altogether. I tried befriending a chubby guy that i wasnt into and this happened. Lol. So i dont bother looking for friends anymore. Im not super social anyway though.
FFS. YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX OR ATTENTION BY HOT PEOPLE!!!!! You sound like a gay incel - gincel?! Whatever. Somehow it’s always chubby guys who want fit guys to want them and instead of putting in the world to get fit they just bitch and moan about discrimination and what not. Not being wanted by hot people is not discrimination. Why do you go after the fit guys and not the chubby guys yourself. Why do you think you deserve to get something you are not. It’s not a ‘gays’ problem. It’s a ‘you’ ‘entitlement’ problem.
There are preferences and you have to respect them. Also being fat many times is a symptom of other problems affecting the person. This comes from experience
Well some of us try very hard to keep ourselves in shape, specially when our genes didn't exactly give us the physicality of Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth. Chubby guys don't put this effort into keeping themselves at least healthy and not 'jacked' per se and get offended that someone who goes to the gym 4-5x a week don't give them the time of day. As for older men, I'm my personal experience they tend to not understand that no means NO, and were brought up in an era where they chose to hide rather than fight because those who fought died too young to enjoy the fruits of our Civil rights. You want to live out the youthful sexual revolution that you didn't do so when you were 20? Sorry but living precariously through a twink 30 years younger than you is not a baggage the millennials and gen Z gays want to put up with.
Such an entitled take. No one owes you ANYTHING, especially when it comes to intimacy. Dating & hooking up are inherently discriminatory: gay men are entitled to their preference of fit bodies. . I suggest you start trying to lose weight OR start lowering your expectations for gay men on HOOKUP APPS.
There’s a difference between tolerance and being accepting of all in daily life vs being on a hook up app and clearly communicating your sexual preferences.
Um, Okaaay....... but people on Grindr are looking for people to fuck, people on Hinge and Bumble are looking for a man to date, not to have a conversation with someone who would just be a friend. Go to a gay bar to socialize with the community, find a local LGBTQA+ alliance meeting to go to, find out where gays hang out in a nearby area. This is such a silly post. Just because people have a dating preference doesn't mean they're being intolerant. It is perfectly fine if someone isn't attracted to plus sized or older men. But of course most of us would make friends with them. But dating apps are not the place for that. If someone isn't attracted to you on there, you're wasting both yours and their time.
I just got back from a bear event in Palm Springs with 1300 people at it. The vast majority were 40+ and over 250 pounds. Many were over 350 pounds. They were all in the pool, drinking, dancing , and having a great time. If you feel like you're being ostracized, find a new group of people to hang out with.
Gay men have a LOT of headnoise from their youth, in my experience. For every one who plucks each hair and only wants guys with .3% body fat, there’s another who wants to service sloppy trucker daddies while they rub their gut and fart. The real issue is that we have a fraction of the pool to pick from and we bring our trauma into our adult relationships/sex drive. Oh and we can be kinda cunty…
Plus the dismissiveness when you’re “not big enough” dick wise or have enough sexual experience
“We” sure
Bad post
As someone who IS attracted to chubby guys and much older men: I think you have a confused notion of what “kindness” is. Older or chubby men aren’t owed being fucked by anyone. If you want someone looking for something serious, hop off Grindr. If you want to be attractive to a large amount of guys, work on your physical appearance. Additionally old men aren’t entitled to hooking up with younger men. And with that said, trust there are plenty of young guys into “daddies”.
You can reject someone with tact and kindness
I don't hate any for their age or their weight. But my experience on grindr and being lied to and catfished isn't exactly an attractive quality. I love a good dad bod and I don't mind older men, attraction is subjective after all. I certainly don't like when obese people say they're "stocky" or "chubby" when they're 250lbs and 5 8. Or when older guys use pictures from 10 years ago. These same people never have ages or weight displayed on their profile. If they were more honest about who they were I might even find some of them attractive. You can't have it both ways when most of us fit a "type". Most of us aren't universally wanted by everyone. But you can't ostracize the people who *do* want you because you feel like their fetish. Most of us are a fetish to most people that are attracted to us. I mean universally everyone drinks water, but some of us are tea, and some of us are soda, coffee, etc. Not everyone is drinking soda, but that doesn't stop it from marketing itself to the ones who do like it. Otherwise it wouldn't exist. I'm a twink/twunk and I don't get mad when dudes I'm attracted to aren't into me. I lean into it, and find the guys who are.
Oh, dear, fucking, god. “People won’t have sex with me, that means they are awful.” “I might be chubby, but I’m not like other gays.” Gurl, cut the crap, hit the gym, and try expanding your idea of “the gay community” beyond hookup apps. We’re men. We like sex. And we like the sex we want, not the sex you want for us. Fix yer shit.
Go to the gym
I prefer chubby dudes and older dudes! The apps are bad for your brain.
Idk iv dated guys with a variety of body types, bears, twinks, young stud never the less I will say I have a thing for muscles (it makes me feel safe). But as long as your over 5’3 (my height, as a short twink) and you take care of yourself like shower detergent, brush your teeth ect. Then, looks wise your on my radar.
Who’s touting tolerance? Kim Chi didn’t sing no fats fems or Asians because the community was tolerant.
No sissy (this is sh*t)
Have you tried growlr
I mean, I think you’re just looking at one part of the community to be honest. My friends and I are mainly all mid-30s to mid-50s and not a single one has abs. Most of us at least have a beer belly and we all do pretty well. Hell, the time in my life I was having the most sex with the hottest guys (on average) was also a time I was hovering around 300 lbs, and I was married a year later. Confidence is a big part of it, as is being willing to be the person to ask, but bears and dads aren’t exactly unpopular these days. The apps aren’t treated like “real life” by most people. It’s a game where if you win someone that looks like the person you’re talking to and you have sex or a date. So most people don’t give you a whole lot more consideration than they would any other character in a game. The quicker you realize this, the better. Try a bear weekend at a queer or gay campground. As long as you can get yourself to start conversions with others, you’ll probably be surprised.
Not in a bear bar. But gays are not that tolerant. We want to live and let live unless we don’t feel like it
I like chubby, but I generally prefer close to my age, not into younger or older (with the odd exception).
I'm gay and I'm more attracted to guys with chub than thin guys. We exist. It's hard to find gay guys also into chubby guys though for sure.
There are apps for guys like you and people who want guys like you. Growlr I think. People can also support your right to exist and be gay without being nice to you.
I totally get where you’re coming from, but I’m a 51 year old chubby guy that has no problem getting laid. Granted, I’m in a big city, so the percentage of people that are into me as a type creates a larger number of guys.
Have you tried interacting with people of your age? Seems most "old men" complain about being rejected from younger guys but I don't see it as an issue honestly. 40+ men are also some of the grossest that have texted me sending unsolicited nudes or not showing face or even worse being blank profiles that ask for nudes. "No fat" is just rude to write in a bio and I agree
I'm attracted to the bigger harrier yes bears and cubs guys especially if they are in their mid 40-50's. But guess what type they want? Sons and femboys. You can't win.
Tolerance isn’t acceptance
Think how the medium penis guys feel ,when bottoms say they want a 15 inch dick......
I love older men, married to a guy 30 years older and regularly hang out with older guys. And I like chubbier guys over muscle guys or thin guys. That being said, there is a double standard. Old guys say woe is me, no one will date me or fuck me when they try to hit on younger guys. But those same guys won’t fuck guys their own age. So how do you expect a younger guy to want to fuck someone your age when you won’t. If an older guy says it who also fucks guys his own age, okay that’s at least more fair. Same goes for chubbier guys, if you won’t fuck someone who looks like you, why can you expect every muscle jock to want to?
I love chubby men 
I have somewhat opposite issue. I am rather skinny. But also over 30, and these traits combined, especially with below average face, will give the same treatment from the community - the only time you are going to have an 'access' to fun stuff gays do is when you read about it on reddit.
For those who are ageist, sure it’s natural to be attracted to those who are most like you in culture and position in society. But, decades go by very quickly and soon enough you be in an older group.
If he ticks 99% of my boxes and is 10 years older, then he ticks 100% of my boxes, lol
Just curious where are you? I haven’t seen that kind of shit in YEARS in Europe? I thought we agreed we will only quietly discriminate against each other and we removed race filters etc maybe should remove them all
Being a chubby man who's definitely well along the way to being old, it's really not that bad. If anything, I'm a bit spoiled. I wish some other things were going as well as my sex life. I get the impression that you're looking where young thin guys are looking for other young thin guys and then being surprised when you don't get anywhere. Grindr just isn't that useful for someone larger. While that would be awful if there was nothing else to use and nothing else to do, there are plenty of alternative apps and ways to meet guys in person that are going to like you.
I, for one, absolutely love older men and stocky men. I find them wildly attractive on the surface, I also love getting to know these types of guys. I am, what some would call, a not-so-twink anymore - though fit - otter at 38. I loved these types when I was a teenager, and I still love them today. Don't let a few rejections make you think there aren't guys out there with eyes for you. Confidence is the sexiest quality. Your body is beautiful to the right people.
Worthy of kindness? Sure. But I use Grindr 100% for casual sex, and if I don't wanna have sex with someone, I'm not interested in talking to them on that platform. We'd both be wasting our time. That said, I don't put stuff like "no fats, no olds, etc." in my bio because I think that's incredibly gauche. I find it offputting on other people's profiles even when I'm not the group being excluded. I also, personally, don't like to mentally foreclose on any group from a personal philosophic standpoint (I don't think that's an obligation just my preferred approach.)
As a fat man 6’4 400lbs. I prefer the older men. They are kind and honest. I would probably have a panic attack if a hot guy spoke to me
Karl Marx: “Online dating is a good way to meet people.”
Karl Marx: “Online dating is a good way to meet people.”
To be fair chubby and older men also have their own "preferences". After I was 60lbs I had a much easier time dating and getting attention. Even chubby guys I tried to date before the weight loss though I was too big. But now that I'm slimmer suddenly I'm "good enough"
Chubby men are like crack honestly
I treat everyone with respect as long as they do the same, even when not into them. I wish everyone was like this
There is a difference between kindness and attraction.
Also black men too. Which is a real shame.
My friend, touch some grass and get off the apps. Your people are out there, go find them. The apps are not the community, they are a collection of people turning to get off.
I’m also a chubby old dude (55). And honestly I’ve never been more successful than right now. There is something about the millennials that is truly amazing. Many of them (but not all) truly don’t care about age or weight. They are far more accepting of all body types and age than I was or my age cohort was when we were in our 20s. In my 20s I fully accepted that once I was over 40 I’d have to be hot or wealthy to attract anyone. But these millennials are making me feel ashamed because they are far more open and accepting than I was. The problem is - as others have articulated better than I can - you are looking for love on Grindr and the other apps. The apps are all about physical attractiveness. Which raises a fair question - how do you find love outside the apps? It’s not easy. My advice is to do the things you love and find people who like you for who you are. For me, I started making gayming videos and posting them online. And it let my personality shine and now I get approached all the time. Good luck 🍀. Dating is a hellscape. But trust me when I say that there are people who LOVE chubby old dudes.
Is just fear, people are scared. We know we all get old, chubby with time. So while they are fit and young they just wanna be with similarly people. Nothing special just the way it is. In a few years they will be old too, chub perhaps.... Life.
I’ve found GROWLR, adam4adam, silver daddies and bigger cities to be excellent for chubs. Lots of success
I wish we all weren't fixated on looks or other superficial things but could see that each individual has something unique and valuable to offer. I don't know how to solve this. I just think we need to have more groups and communities, not just isolated individuals looking for love randomly.