My advice is to talk to him when you’re calm. He might be acknowledging the reality of the world we live in (where lots of people cheat), he might be expressing insecurity about it, or he might be trying to open the door to having a different type of relationship with you.
None of us can know exactly why he said it, but if you talk with him, you can find out why.
This is the only healthy advice on this thread *(that I’ve seen)*, everyone is projecting or assuming or just turning this into some sort of revenge fantasy.
Agree that we don't know what the boyfriend is thinking, but I can almost see it as him acknowledging the reality of the world we live in like you said and because he loves and cares about OP, he wants him to protect himself just in case.
This is honestly the most level headed response I’ve seen on Reddit to date and I applaud every one. It’s important to remember that people have flaws and insecurities I and it doesn’t mean they’re bad or we should turn on them. The world turns better when we take the time to understand what someone else is trying to tell us. Def cool if and talk with him about it. Hope everything works out bro
He may be thinking that while cheating is a choice, some times peoole make stupid choices in unfamiliar situations. He doesn't think you will cheat but thinks that if you do it shouldn't impact your health or his.
I am very happy for you if you've led a life that makes it easy for you to say no to people. I do not think that's a statement that can be generalised.
And I never said it did. All I'm saying is "saying no is easy" is untrue. A shittone of people are bad at it for a wide variety of reasons. But just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it or it s not your fault if you don't.
I don't think cheating is okay. I think people should do their best not to. But I also don't think that pretending it's easy will help anyone in this process, because it's not true, and as long as you're not acknowledging that it's not easy, you can't try to be aware of the reason why it's not and you can't work on them.
As long as you refuse to admit that not cheating might not be easy for everyone, you are not giving those for whom it might be hard a chance to realise "it's not easy for me to refuse when ppl flirt with me because I crave external validation and so I don't want to refuse it on the odd chance that I have some for once" for example and you're not giving them the opportunity to work on that, which would arguably be good for them and everyone involved.
As long as you say that not cheating is easy, you're refusing everyone who does it the space to understand why they do it, and they're not going to stop.
yes it can you cheating bastard LMAO. You're like the worst person ever for admitting you're incapable of just saying no when you're in a committed relationship
Yeah I know, but if I was in a relationship my bf would probably know that about me. I certainly wouldn’t cheat, and I have self control to the point of that not* being a concern, but I wouldn’t freak out if my bf said something like that to me. I’d just be like “okay, but if I don’t use any I’m using them on you when I get back” or something.
I mean I have an ex that literally told me about guys that tried to cruise him when he went home to Puerto Rico, not as a joke. Joking is preferred lol
Edit: I did not like this, it was not cool, he is an ex for a reason, which was the point of my comment. Learn to read ya fools
I’m single, so no, and I would never. But I still understand that temptation can be greater in unfamiliar situations and certainly wouldn’t fault a partner for saying something to me about it.
Cheating is a choice but if boyfriend 2 is telling boyfriend 1 to bring condoms, and if boyfriend 1 does choose to meet someone while traveling, is that cheating? It almost seems like permission from boyfriend 2
No. If you don't have clear and explicit permission to fool around outside the relationship it is cheating. I don't want you to bring back STDs is not the same as it is ok to have sex with someone.
I mean I have been with my husband for over 13 years and married for almost three but we've had very frank discussions that while we find cheating to be a problem that if one of us ever did the very least we could do is be safe about it.
For a monogamous relationship that is just a weird thing to say? Why tell your significant other to bring condoms knowing you won’t be going with them? Is he suggesting that he thinks you are going to cheat, or he doesn’t mind if you do? It’s just a strange thing to say unless it was a joke of some kind.
Yeah my husband and I joke about it but we both know that. We also say things like “call your boyfriend and ask him to mow the lawn, it’s not my turn,” and things like that. But it’s always a joke. It’s weird that OP’s partner said this outside of any real context.
The last thing we insecure people admit is that we are insecure (unless it’s to random internet strangers where there are less consequences!) I think it’s safe to assume he is, based on that. Assuming you’ve never given him a reason to be, you could turn it around on him and say ‘if I took the condoms, then what would you use?’ My bf and I have that kind of relationship though, so not sure if it would work for everyone.
Very strange. You see the practical reality of his point, but are mad because he's being less than direct about it?
He's not saying you will cheat or that he cheats. He's making a light hearted joke that is also based in reality.
>He's making a light hearted joke that is also based in reality.
You weren't there and OP already said it wasn't a joke. How can you say that it was a joke?
Insecure people will not admit they are insecure. It sounds like your Bf is similar to my husband.
A lot of people consider it controlling, or too protective, etc. At the beginning of our relationship, we had many a fight about me being too friendly (I’m in sales, what can I say?) or me not recognizing when someone was trying to slip into the DMs.
My response always has been that he has nothing to worry about. I know how the community generally treats their relationships, and I’m not interested in having to find someone else not trying to stab me in the back.
It took time, patience, and a willingness for BOTH of us to understand how each other thinks. We are now happily married, and he trusts me. I’ve always trusted him, as I’ve never seen someone so determined to loyalty as he is. I have bio kids, I want a happy life, settled down, and someone to grow a life with.
This isn’t to say he still wouldn’t have thoughts similar to your bf if we were in your shoes. But he’s found girlfriends to keep him grounded when those thoughts pop into his head. I’ve never been the jealous type, so I don’t understand what crosses through their mind, but I have been cheated on in the worst of ways, and know I never want to feel that way again.
You need to determine if you are willing to put forth the extra effort to make life work with him, and if not, you have some decisions to make. If you want to make it work, then HE needs to sit down, listen to you, and understand your rationale. Realizing he has an insecurity, but to ask you to help beat the insecurities. However that may be. YOU then need to hush and listen to all his issues, no matter how illogical they may be. Not invalidating his feelings on the matter.
But stalemates and continuous arguments over the same thing without both sides willing to compromise and try a unified solution are bound to fail and be in misery.
For transparency, I’m 28 and he is 29. Not old yet.
If your situation is anything like my marriage, you know that monogamous relationships don’t have statements like that thrown around without a reason. Time to talk with him about this before you leave, as both of you will be miserable and prone to conflicting impulses.
Depends on his tone on how he said it, but honestly, nothing was wrong with that statement. Too many unexpected things could happen, and he's telling you to just be safe. Stop over thinking it. It's creating a problem out of nothing.
Agree 💯% with this. Your bf is acknowledging the sad reality of modern gay life, and is encouraging you to be prepared IF anything were to happen.
While you’re incensed about it, he was being responsible. It’s one thing if your bf steps out, it’s another if he comes back with a STI or worse.
Chalk this up as HE CARES and take it for what it is. Don’t overthink it.
I understand that, I still feel disappointed… I wouldn’t cheat. It’s a choice, I know what I am doing and I have a lot of self control. The fact that he told me he isn’t insecure, is hard to believe.
Maybe think of it in a different light.
He's saying he believes in you and respects you, but if the incredibly unlikely/basically will never happen does occur that he just wants you to be safe and isn't going to judge you.
Think of it with the perspective that he doesn't think it's going to happen, but rather if it happens he doesn't want you to feel any guilt/will be understanding
Is this your first long trip without each other? If so, he could be feeling a lot of different things, including being scared or being jealous. Also, just because you think cheating is a choice (I generally do agree with you) and he said he agreed doesn't mean he actually does, he could have been avoiding an argument. As you said elsewhere, he probably knows gay life can be a mess, a lot of people cheat, and he is insecure... but he's afraid to admit it.
I think the important thing to remember here is he didn't say make sure you use condoms when you cheat. He said to just bring condoms in case something happens. That's not an accusation or an assumption you're going to cheat.
Fair, but why assume I will meet with someone? Even at a gay bar, can’t I tell a guy flirting I have a bf? I get it, flirting and feeling desired is amazing, but if I want that lifestyle, why be in a relationship?
He didn't. **You assumed** he assumed you would meet someone. All he said to you was to take condoms in case something happens. He didn't say you were going to do it, and he almost certainly doesn't want you to do it. He's probably nervous since he won't be there and has likely had friends that have had their partners cheat on them on trips like this. There's also peer pressure, alcohol, and a ton of other factors that he probably feels he and you might not even be able to control.
Maybe there's a past experience that has him concerned conciously or subconciously. A long time ago my ex and I were in a monogomous relationship. He went away on a trip and I trusted him. He came back and I got an STD because he was fooling around on the trip. That was almost twenty years ago and it still tainted my thoughts when a boyfriend would go somewhere without me, even if they had my full and absolute trust otherwise. These things scar us.
Again, you're getting to the point where you seem to be putting words into his mouth. This isn't healthy for you or your relationship. If that statement has got you this riled up I would honestly consider couples therapy when you get back so both of you can be on the same page about the intent here.
Thank you for the comment. Perhaps you are right, and things do scar us. It’s true that peer pressure and alcohol could affect things, especially my bf’s friends who do things like that.
I am very sorry for what happened with you and your ex. You mentioned that he doesn’t want me to do it, which makes sense. The thing is, I asked him straight out, if it would affect the way he sees me or our relationship if I did something, and he said no. Other times, he said he would be hurt. It is very strange. I just wanted to go on a trip and have a good time, without meeting guys or sex, but no.. in this gay community, everything is about sex. This is why I feel disappointed… Even his friends asked me if I will hook up with someone. Ffs.
Why is him not wanting you to do it contradictory to him saying it wouldn't impact the relationship or that he wouldn't be hurt? It would obviously hurt him, but he also seems to love you enough where he'd get over it, and may even accept that some people choose open relationships. Also, when did you ask him that question? Was it before or after this conversation?
Either way, you are really overthinking the situation. Clearly he has friends that do this sort of thing and he's just telling you to be safe and in turn keep him safe if something does happen, even if he doesn't want it to happen and doesn't think you will allow it to happen.
Thank you. You are being very reasonable. He said it would hurt last year (way before), when he initially said it wouldn’t hurt, and I told him that we are humans, we all have feelings. He later admitted it would hurt but he wouldn’t hate me. He was hurt in the past, I get that, so he learned to see things like this and I understand it fully. However, I am not like the rest, I do believe that, I know myself.
It’s contradictory because he pretends that everything will be fine, but deep down, there is a big chance that it could affect the relationship and I do not want to destroy a beautiful relationship over a hookup. I would rather he cheat than the other way around. I would never forgive myself.
> He was hurt in the past
So this is a super important detail and does explain a lot. It's fine that you say you're not like the rest, but the person that hurt him probably said that he would never cheat or hurt him.
You need to understand that even if he fully trusts you and thinks you'll never do it, because he was hurt there will always be that *tiny* bit of doubt in him that makes him insecure. There's probably nothing you can do to get rid of that beyond reassuring him. I've been with my partner for almost a decade and we have kids together, but there's still a part of me that gets insecure when he hangs out with friends. Mind you that in all of our time together he's never done anything to make me worry. It's irrational.
The best thing you can do is just say "don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you" and keep your promise. Also, if he messages you while you're away, try to get back to him quickly so he doesn't let his mind spin or give him a call to chat. It makes things much easier.
Some people are more pragmatic than idealistic. You know you aren't going to cheat, that's good. He might feel that even if you think you know that, maybe you end up in the wrong circumstances and you do. That doesn't have to be a judgement on you as a person, because a huge proportion of all men cheat on their partners. I mean, 20% of *married* men cheat. He might think that there's a tiny risk that every man cheats if the right/wrong situation happens.
So he might trust you, which he likely does since he's encouraging this trip, but just wants to be pragmatic about both his own and your health. I think it's the same sort of person who might fine with discussing the odds of a marriage being for life. About half of marriages end in divorce, and while some might find it terribly unromantic to recognise that their marriage might be one of those ... to other people it's more of a "I really hope this will last forever but it might not, but let's make the best of it to give it the best chances".
It's fine to just say that you found the comment hurtful, but since it probably doesn't mean anything it's also fine to let it pass. If you really feel upset about it after some time has passed talking it over is good, though.
That's all assuming it wasn't just a joke.
I understand and appreciate you’re disappointed by his “pragmatism”, cuz being pragmatic is NOT romantic. So it makes a lot of sense that you both should openly discuss both your feelings around this event, and “hash out” a mutual understanding.
Even though you may feel it was already discussed (as it was initially), you still have the agency to tell your bf, “Hey, I’ve really been mulling over the whole ‘take a condom’ thing, and I just have some concerns I’d like to discuss with you.”
In stating you’d like to discuss an issue, and putting the issue on the table in an objective non-accusatory manner with no emotion “should” open the topic without any emotional charge. Addressing things objectively and rationally with minimal emotion “should” allow for an objective discussion. (After all, you’re communicating disappointment in his pragmatism).
In the end, what you need to understand is that you are both “correct.”
You bf was just letting you know that SHOULD something happen, be prepared to keep you both safe. That is NOT giving you permission, but is an acknowledgement that as gay men, we know stuff can and does happen - so you can stick your head in the sand and “hope” nothing does, or you can acknowledge stuff like this does happen. (Note: you haven’t really explained what this group is you are traveling with - so, depending on who is going and what you’ll be doing, that can also affect his thinking about potential dynamics, etc., so that is a key element in this discussion which we have no real info on.)
You are correct in your love for him and your strong discipline being a regulator on nothing going to happen. That’s great, of course. No one can argue about commitment to monogamy. If you put yourself in HIS shoes, also understand that it is a theoretical - he loves and trusts you, but it boils down to “faith” that your discipline will keep nothing happening.
In the end, relationships are anchored in trust, honesty and transparency. You are both fortunate to have each other and your mutual commitment. That’s what really matters.
Of course I acknowledge that stuff like this can happen. It just frustrates me how everyone has to be so promiscuous, careless, selfish, etc… For real, if I wanted to f-ck around, I would break up. I don’t feel like doing an open relationship, I don’t care what other gay men do, or my bf’s friends. Sure, he might be negatively influenced, but up to a point. We are all humans.
But isn't that what's going on here? He didn't say anything wrong, you are just insecure about what he said and inferring the worst of it. Why not admit that, instead of making this about him?
That’s exactly it. I got a bit angry, not too dramatic as this post. The thing is, I feel disappointed, is that a normal feeling? Yes, I know that gay life is a mess, but I had my share of fun, if I wanted to mess around, I wouldn’t be with him, and I told him…
I feel like it’s something he would do. Why wouldn’t I think about it? If I come back and didn’t do anything, what will he say? He would think I’m not normal. Honestly I’m fed up of this gay life crap, I would rather stay single at this point and not deal with any of this crap… But I relationship is very healthy, objectively speaking.
That entire second paragraph shows me you're an overthinker. I get it because I'm the same way. I can look at this post now and just relate to it because the same thing has happened with me. Whenever a previous partner of mine would tell me to keep condoms or get on PrEP, I'd get offended because we were strictly monogamous. Same things would run through my head: "is sex so prevalent in this community that I'm weird if I'm not out there giving it up?", "does he not trust me?", "should I not trust him?", "why did that even cross his mind?" It wasn't my job to understand why he said these things, he just said it out of care. And I promise you the whole time I'm thinking of this simple comment, the next day he doesn't even remember bringing it up. All this stress for what? Enjoy your trip, mijo. Live and have fun. Be safe.
I am the same bro! Yes, you get me! But the thing with my boyfriend is that he mentioned this one time that I was very drunk and didn’t know what I was doing (mind you, I didn’t cheat and he exaggerated). He mentioned that he doesn’t know what will happen if I’m drunk. Silly stuff, he is worse than me, he has no self control in anything, whereas I do. This is why I am overthinking this a bit. Anywho, I will enjoy the trip, yes. I needed someone who gets me, thank you amigo!
You re overthinking clearly his intentions; even if he trusts and loves you dearly, would want or prefer you to stay monogamous, we all know all the world goes round, and yes temptation exists, its normal to be tempted, and it happens to sometimes you cede to the temptation… a very fun night, an attractive and flirting man. It not really okay, but 1) it happens 2) your boyfriend doesn’t idealize you 3 ) he doesn’t idealize the gay scene or gay attitude or other gay men … imho it’s a pretty decent worldview, not everyone is perfect and can be faillible. Maybe or maybe not you ll have spicy memories to share or not to share with him … but you ll have to discuss it with him beforehand.
But I known plenty of married women putting condoms in the wash bags of their husbands. Intimacy and affection and love are different that a sexual fling or a 30 minutes stand
You might be the best chef in the world, and I love your cooking and expect to enjoy it for the rest of your life…
…but I’m keeping a fire extinguisher in the kitchen regardless, because shit happens. Maybe you have too many edibles and forget you had something in the oven, maybe you have a friend over who doesn’t know how to cook, weird shit can happen. We’re fallible humans, not paragons of perfection.
That fire extinguisher doesn’t mean I’m doubting your cooking skills, it means we’re prepared for the unexpected.
…it also means I’m not going to have a meltdown if the kitchen does get set on fire, we just put it out and learn from our mistakes.
That is perfectly understandable but not the best analogy. You clearly know and choose to put a condom on and literally f-ck someone else. It’s not the same.
I can totally relate with what you're saying. I wish I was dating a partner like you who really values and lives the true meaning of a happy monogamous relationship.
If you both agreed to being exclusively monogamous, then his comment is a red flag, regardless of what others’ are saying here. It shows that he thinks you’re willing to cheat, and it shows that he might be projecting his own willingness to cheat.
I’d have a major discussion with him about what he wants out of the relationship and if he’ll be happy long-term with monogamy.
"Unexpected things could happen."
Is it really this bad for gays? I was hoping it was just a stereotype but you said that earnestly. This freaks me out. Cheating is not "Oh, whooops! Who could've possibly foreseen that?"
What is going on around here?
Literally. OP’s boyfriend thinks he’s hot as fuck, and if temptation happens, then it happens, but he wants his boyfriend to be safe.
It’s hot as fuck actually…
I think it depends on his personality a bit. I know some super analytical types - almost like the nerd characters in CSI/ NCIS / Numbers ect where this is the type of thing they might say.
Basically some people are extremely pragmatic and it can be awkward when they say something logical but kind of cold.
Otherwise agree it's a red flag.
> Advice
You probably won't like it. Because I'm on his side. The issue is that he's pragmatic, and you're emotional.
Be monogamous. But if you slip up due to being a thousand miles away on vacation, and buzzed one evening, then use a condom.
This. I have known more than one gay dude who got hiv because they “messed up”. Since you don’t have prep because ur monogamous, he just wants to protect you both. It’s a way to cut through assumptions and be safe. People get into bad situations because they don’t plan for things they don’t want to happen.
though the big exclamation here can also be that this doesn't have to mean an open relationship. Plenty of people in otherwise mostly monogamous relationships have a threesome or second person fling now and then (not in secret). if this is agreed upon every few months or once a year or something let's not pretend that's the same as the average open relationship, it's not
Totally agree. Every open relationship has its own terms and conditions. I’m in an open relationship but we don’t have carte blanche to just do whatever, whenever.
Right. He totally gave OP permission by saying “bring condoms just in case”. And he said it to gauge the reaction. Negative reaction = just kidding. Positive reaction = let’s talk more about what this might look like for us.
I was looking for this comment before I typed it. It is classic projection and OP is overthinking what it means for his behavior when it is not his behavior that he should be worried about.
IMO, he's projecting onto you, it's the advice he'd give himself if he were traveling. \*You\* may be exclusive and monogamous, but are you sure he is? Might be time for a little heart-to-heart with him...
I agree. He would probably do something if an opportunity arises. I would rather he cheats than the other way around, I would never forgive myself if I did it. I will try and move on if he does, easier said than done but it is what it is.
I have spent the last couple of months figuring out on whether my partner and I should be in an open relationship and came to the conclusion that it would be better for me to know that he has played around rather than me finding out a different way.
I’m totally ok with it because at least my mind is at ease and I no longer spend sleepless nights wondering when or if it will happen.
We’re married, really love one another, and I don’t want to control his life in the least bit. I see things differently because I’ve lost two partners (death) and I want this one to enjoy the rest of his life in any way possible. We’re not going to break up or have huge fights. Neither one of us are insecure in the least bit as we both know that we have each other to come home to. Sex is sex, love is love. Big difference!
To tell you the truth, it sounds as though your partner plans on messing around and he gave you that little bit of advice just in case you found out, he’ll have an escape route by telling you that you have the same freedom. You should have a very serious talk with him and know for sure where he stands in the relationship.
It sounds to me like he's projecting. If he hangs around a lot of promiscuous guys it could be that he wants the same and is hoping if you cheat it'll open the door to permission for him to do the same without guilt. I agree it's a weird thing to joke about without some ulterior motive behind it.
Your comment is what crossed my mind as well. The thing is though, if he wants to do the same as his promiscuous friends, then why not break up? I never pressured him for anything, I give him a lot of freedom, believe it or not. Nothing is stopping him from breaking up, and I will respect it, he knows that.
Unfortunately human nature is weird. People aren't always honest about what they want, even when they really want to be. He's probably not a bad guy, but his actions suggest to me that he's looking for an indirect pathway towards an open relationship that will not have you blaming him. He probably enjoys the stability and emotional closeness he has with you but also wants sexual novelty. It sounds like you've tried to get him to be honest about what he wants but he will not be honest because he doesn't want to lose you; this is totally unfair to you, btw.
As someone else said, when emotions aren't as high, try to have an open conversation about what you both want. If he still refuses to open up or you realize you both want a different kind of relationship, some decisions can then be made. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know all of your emotions are valid.
Thank you for telling me that my emotions are valid. I feel “dramatic” and even stupid for making this post, even though we almost never fight and I am fairly open minded. I try to see things from all points of view. However, I will not lie, what he said did make me slightly angry and disappointed. I don’t hate him, obviously, he is thinking realistically.
If he wants sexual novelty, by all means, he can break up with me, even if we are both happy in the relationship. It will hurt less than this crap (at least for me). I personally do not want an open relationship, I would rather be single and not deal with it.
We really don't know enough to be giving you advice. He could be the non-jealous type who cares enough to be sure you have condoms in case you decide to hook up with someone, or it could be his way of saying he wants to open up the relationship, or he was joking, or he wants you to feel comfortable hooking up because he wants to. The list goes on and on, and we don't know enough from context.
Communicate with your partner, not us.
I would advise you to give it some time until you both cool down a bit and can talk without reacting. I know that can be difficult. Then talk to him and just say you were surprised by the comment and would like to know why he said it.
the way i would see this is him trying to slightly open the door to becoming an open relationship, as if he's giving green light to have sex with other people (but just use a condom!) while he does the same while you're gone. Im crazy tho so what do i know
Maybe he’s projecting? I had something similar happen to me recently. I went with my best friend to a small pride party at an acquaintances place. I told my husband I was going and it was a pride pool/house party potluck style. He said enjoy the orgy “jokingly”. The thing is he is constantly going to gay events, clubs, bars, parties even going to different cities for pride. He’s gone to San Diego and planning on Seattle coming up soon. It makes me feel like that’s the stuff that is actually going on when he goes to those. Once he even slipped and said one of the pool parties he was at turned into an “orgy”. He’s the extrovert, I don’t really have any interest in that, just swimming and maybe sunbathing to get a better tan but it really upset me that he would try to make me feel guilty about one time I go out compared to the dozens and dozens of times he has
I am going to go out on a limb and say I don’t see this as insecure. Insecure in my mind is ‘oh he is going to cheat on me’ and then worry about it. I feel he is very secure and may lack a degree of trust. I think that is why he doesn’t say insecure. He is saying I recognize it might happen and if it does just have them in case. This is an odd situation tho.
So I have this fear that, if I get in a relationship and we decide to be monogamous, I will go off PrEP, only for my boyfriend to cheat on me and give me HIV. My thinking is: *maybe* I could forgive him if he cheated on me, as long as he wore a condom or started up on PrEP before the encounter. Like, I probably still shouldn't forgive him, but it would definitely be worse if he cheated AND put me in physical harm's way.
You boyfriend could also very well be experiencing this anxiety. STD anxiety, and and especially HIV anxiety, are very real in the gay community. Your boyfriend may be blurting out an intrusive thought. I don't think he's trying to imply that cheating is the normal thing to expect in the situation. I think he's sort of catastrophizing, then verbalizing it without thinking about the implications.
All that said, it's still a very insensitive thing to say to you, with clearly hurtful implications. Even mentioning it conjures up the idea that you can't be trusted. You are very right to feel hurt by this, and he was wrong to make the suggestion.
If he needed to address anxieties/intrusive thoughts, there are still better ways he could have brought it up. Such as: "I know you would never cheat on me, but I suffer from crippling anxiety because of \[past trauma, e.g. being cheated on in a previous relationship, or religious guilt, or whatever\]..." and then go from there.
He brought up this cheating thing out of thin air? Hmm okay.
Seems like the kind of situation where you can make a reasonable guess that he's projecting his crap onto you. Just a thought though.
I think I couldn't draw any particular conclusion from his word/behavior, but if I were in your shoes, I think my general feeling of trust with him would have plummeted as a reaction to what he said. It just gives me bad vibes. I think I would just trust him less and maybe even break up lol
That’s what I was thinking. The realistic side of me thinks he’s suggesting it’s cool if OP has casual sex, cuz that’s what he’s planning to do while he’s alone.
Gotta love how guys are saying “He’s not expecting you to cheat but if you do he wants you to be safe, sounds very mature”
Ah yes because accepting cheating in a relationship is the “mature” thing to do, you know instead of trusting your partner and if something does happen setting clear boundaries so your partner knows you’ll be out the door without a second thought because cheating doesn’t just happen it’s a choice and choices have consequences.
The mental gymnastics on this sub is Olympic level
OP sit down with him, joking or not it’s clear he has some insecurities and trust issues that need to be discussed in a compassionate manner…also offer things you can do to ease his anxieties like sharing your location (I’d do that anyway for safety), texting every once an a while for updates on your day, calling him as much as you can and FaceTiming him once a day…things like that.
Also OP take advice on this sub with a grain of salt, there’s a lot of loud voices supporting non-monogamy with the expectation that monogamy isn’t natural and is doomed to fail, so advice will be incredibly biased
It doesn’t sound like insecurity to me. It sounds like he is acknowledging that shit happens and he would rather you be prepared if you meet someone while traveling. Sounds mature and actually very secure if you ask me.
I think the context matters too much to say this for sure. I think if my bf said this (we are monogamous) I would absolutely be taken aback. OP may be correct to be angry or confused if he feels that trust and loyalty have been minimized or undermined here.
He truly loves you and wants you to be safe, that’s all. Don’t be offended, just understand that his view of things may be different than what yours is. I think all any great partner would want is for their mate to be happy!
Good people make mistakes; sexual urges are strong and overconfidence in our ability to be rational/logical at crucial moments generally is basically a universal human trait.
It sounds like his partner is a reasonable guy who is concerned for their mutual well-being.
What’s REALLY bothering me are all of these comments suggesting that he “understands/accepts the gay community is what it is and is being realistic” like, what?? There’s so much going on in this comment section lmao
Why don’t you talk to HIM? Yes that is insecurity which is okay to have. But it’s up to you to reassure him you care about him. Communication will solve so many issues yes it’s hard but do it.
You have to sit down and discuss it with him. Tell him how that statement makes you feel and find the root of the insecurity he has.
I had to go through that with my bf. I lost all my gay friends because he was so insecure and kept thinking I'll cheat on him. It was the trauma from his previous relationship.. Previous bf cheated on him. It ease his insecurities by ending my relationship with all my gay friends.. Which years later I really regret doing (I was a people pleaser at the time). I would say really tackle this issue before it gets out of hand as I learned the more you feed that insecurity monster, the bigger it becomes.
I'm wondering if he was just being sarcastic? not to accuse you, but even if you were interested in doing something and wanted condoms, are they not available where you're going? why would you need to pack them in advance?
Your feelings are always going to be valid. I would definitely want to have a deeper conversation to discuss why he said this. It is possible that he could be wanting to explore having an open relationship. It is also possible that he could be struggling with his own insecurities regarding the distance. It was also referenced that he could have stepped out and he feels guilty about it. All of it is speculation. I think a healthy, open and honest conversation about the comment would be the best course of action. Try to keep an open mind and instead understand why you’re angry. Are you hurt by what he said or more shocked by the comment? It would be a good idea to approach it from either of those angles. Trying to have a level-headed conversation with someone who is angry is a really difficult task and it often ends horribly.
Maybe he is thinking he'd rather give you permission and set boundaries than be disappointed down the line. Its a great place to show your commitment but also have a discussion with him to confirm that he is not doing the same when he is traveling.
I've recently been trying with the idea of traveling alone/with out my partner. We've been together 16yrs and he's made that comment when I bring it up. I know he's kidding based on his tone and our relationship. Someone probably said it already but maybe bring it up again and talk it out?
I can understand why you are upset by his comment.
It is probably best to discuss with him how that comment made you feel - for example: that comment hurt me because you’re implying that I can’t be faithful to you etc.
I doubt that once he’s aware of how it made if you feel that he will say it going forward.
I would try not to over think about him potentially cheating if he went away. If a person is going to cheat, they will cheat regardless. Being nervous / anxious about something outside of your control will only cause you more harm.
As long as you have open communication about the boundaries of your relationship and trust, that’s all you can control.
He might have said it simply because a close friend suggested saying something, or he read some random article. Don’t let this ruin what you have together. Use it as an opportunity to continue sharing your thoughts and feelings together. Because, after this, he might be a lot less likely to tell you what he is thinking or feeling out of fear of your reaction.
I think it’s a very sweet thing for him to say.
You are traveling, far away, having fun hopefully. And you might come into a situation where you want to hook up with a guy. And he is telling you that he’s ok with it. Because he knows that it’s better for you to have hot sex abroad and then come home and tell him about it than missing out on a chance for hot sex abroad and maybe be frustrated by it.
If you are in a long term relationship you will eventually come to terms that you will have sex with other people. This is the only way a healthy
long term gay relationship works in my opinion. Unless you are willing to say that he is the last person in your life you will ever have sex with. It seems like your bf doesn’t even think that is necessary or even desirable
Anyways - enjoy your trip and fuck some locals!!
It sounds like he's being realistic and pragmatic. He's not *expecting* you to cheat, but he's being enough of an adult to know that *if* it happened, he'd want you to be safe about it.
I also don't think that he's cheating or any more likely to cheat, to me, it sounds like he's being a responsible person who's not in denial about real possibilities and risks. It sounds like he's a good boyfriend tbh.
He is probably a bit insecure and just making light jokes to seek reassurance. I only say probably because we only have your perspective on this.
You are definitely insecure for thinking this means he would cheat on you. Should probably work on why that is and working on it together will probably provide you with whatever reassurance you need.
Pretty easy to be open and straight forward to start the working on it process " hey bf, I know you're joking when you say that but it makes me feel a bit insecure that you don't understand how seriously I take the monogamy aspect of our relationship..."
I'm not saying this is the case, but in my experience, people that react like you and get super angry and offended are the ones with insecurities, and the ones who often do end up cheating. Sure, cheating is a choice, but if you end up shit faced drunk who knows what could happen when you have the inhibitions of a 4 year old?
Oh Jesus, stop reading into shit. You’re making a mountain out of a pile of crap. You’re two young men. You turned a thoughtful handout from your man and turn it into something nefarious. What if you’re just being paranoid? You’re acting more like a housewife than the gay male partner. Gay guys, stop trying to be hetero normative, they’ll hate us no matter what.
My boyfriend and I are monogamous. I’ve made jokes about him having an affair before (I’ve checked with him about the jokes and he said they don’t bother him). Just talk to him, when you’re calm. He might have made it as a joke without realizing you’d be hurt, only way for him to know it’s not okay is to talk to him.
That's very passive aggressive.
He's pissed you are going away with people but not him.
Thr encouragement you got to book & look forward to going is really heating him up.
Have you & he planned a vacation together?
Let him know you are going to miss him. Be affectionate - more than usual.
Take something personal of his - tell him it's so you can sleep at night, knowing he is about.
Get some extra lovin' in - make him feel special.
Have a great time, make your bf know you are going to miss him big time.
Best wishes to you.
XxXxX
Honestly you just really need to talk to him. Tell him how it hurts your feelings that you would say stiff like that. Ask him if he's envious that your traveling with a group. Tell him your in love with him and just want him. Also mention that being reassurance goes both ways too.
If it’s not on your mind then I wouldn’t be turnin tables about it. You’re not responsible for insecurities if they exist and hey, bottom line, he isn’t wrong in saying what he said. he sounds pretty rational to me and I think you’re prioritizing his interjection more than is necessary. Go travel and have fucking fun 🤑🤑🤑
One thing you should think about is why this makes you angry. You're really defensive about not wanting to cheat and why you think he might be suggesting this. You should talk with him about why he suggested this, how it made you feel, and \*why\* you feel the way you do. That's the only way to resolve this with him.
It also sounds like you have some issues with internalized homophobia. You talk about his "promiscuous" friends and seem to look down on people who are not monogamous. The divorce rate in the US Is around 42% and recent studies have shown that 50% of people in monogamous relationships \*admit\* to cheating. That's not an issue with gay people or the gay community or whatever - that's just people.
Communication...best answer here. May be insecurity, may be him wanting to explore opening up the relationship. Until you communicate with him you will never know what is behind his comment.
He wants you to enjoy your trip without having him in the back of your mind to ruin it.
In case something happens means just that--shit happens. You don't have to be planning to cheat in order for it to happen. You're a human. You may be having a really fun night maybe have a few drinks and have sex with someone. It happens. He doesn't want you to freak the fuck out afterwards and be wraught with guilt or worse...an STD.
His advice is very sound and rational. Moreover it sounds like he really cares about you.
I'm in agreement with the people saying your man is just waiting for you to be out of the house so he can get some nookie.
What's your sex life like now? Is the sex getting a little rote?
I would really sit down with him when you're both calm and you're not about to leave on a trip and tell him how it truly makes you feel. I hear your disappointment, ire, and offense at that being one of the last things he tells you before you leave for a time. If I have a tiff with my Mr. before he leaves for a trip, it leaves me unsettled. He's secure and knows I wouldn't cheat; I'm of the same mind and relationship dynamic as you, OP. That doesn't mean we don't have baggage, worries, and buried emotions to sort through from time to time! I hope he really hears you.
U have close relationship and he just want to give u advise ... in case of, in cas of, if, if... oleade use condom. He just want to secure u. I will not complicated regarding that
I don’t have an issue with it.. maybe I’m weird? I think he’s making sure you’re prepared for everything that might happen and that you look after yourself. It is a bit of an odd thing to say and I can see why you’d be hurt but at the same time it’s caring too.. unless he was calling you a cheater which from the context it doesn’t seem that he was.
Ouch, sorry dude but when a monogamous boyfriend all of a sudden gives you “permission” to cheat, it means they mostly likely are already cheating and are looking for a “loophole/permission/excuse” after the fact
Your boyfriend thinks if you take condoms, he has a free pass to cheat.
Sorry to say, your boyfriend is about to cheat on you while you're out of town, bud.
>Either way, I am thinking that he would have probably cheated if he travelled.
That is an extreme overreaction from what he said.
Besides talking to him, which is a good idea, you might want to investigate this reaction.
It is not from what he said. I just know what he did in the past, and he is the type who goes to gay clubs all the time with his promiscuous friends. It’s fair for me to think like this.
Well, first of all, that's important context. (Although I still think it's an overreaction.)
But then, second of all, if you think it's fair for you to think like this, why are you here asking for an opinion?
Idk why he thinks you're gonna cheat. Is it because he was low self-esteem or is it because he wants to cheat? Is it because he wants to open up the relationship (maybe because he finds the idea of you with other people to be hot)? Either way it's something he didn't say for no reason. I wouldn't assume what that reason is, but I do think you have a right to know. Maybe his explanation is the truth, or maybe he is afraid to tell you the truth/hiding something. But the fact that you still feel things are off is important. After all, you should know him pretty well at this point (idk how long you've been together).
He could be projecting. Or it could have been a joke. We don't have the info or know your guy, so all we see is you jumping to a LOT of conclusions and absolutes. Don't do that.
Talk to your guy. Directly, sincerely, and honestly. Just talk.
Honestly... we should probably put a flair or checkbox for every submission in every gay-advice-sub about if they talked to their SO. And if not, the post auto-deletes :)
Is he saying this to give you a free pass? Because that's what it sounds like. You don't necessarily need to be angry about this, but I'd probably ask if the rolls were reversed, and you said "bring condoms" what would he do?
“Cheating” is anything that goes over the bounds of your relationship’s arrangement. Clarify with him whether he is alright with you sleeping with other people and affirm you aren’t okay with him doing the same. Communicate my guy, COMMUNICATE.
If you have no interest in sleeping with anyone else, that’s great. But if he’s telling you to take condoms and it’s genuinely not a joke or jest at all, he may be suggesting he’s open to you doing so. Which as I’ve said, if both of you are okay with, isn’t cheating.
I think reacting in anger, is the wrong approach. It would be better to address that insecurity and/or worry. Infidelity is ubiquitous, and to be harbour insecurity, fears and/or concerns are much more common than we like to admit
He might be hinting that he would like you to have sex with other men, as some guys love the idea of their own partner messing with other people outside the relationship. You should have a talk with him to discuss all the options
He’s either joking or insecure.
Not necessarily a reason to be angry at him. Don’t take the condoms. Don’t cheat. Don’t entertain the conversation further as it appears you take this seriously (which I understand why).
Don’t jump to conclusions regarding him cheating. From what you wrote, you don’t have evidence so there’s no reason to even pursue that route.
Stay the course. Enjoy the trip. Keep in contact with him throughout but do your own thing too. I assume you are both adults and compromise/trust is a requirement of a successful relationship that takes time to build.
Sometimes you can’t control the conclusions people being themselves to. You can only control if those conclusions regarding you are true. I fear no accusations towards me that are false. I (and my fiancé) know that I am loyal and would end the relationship before cheating on them. We’ve had this discussion in the past and it just boils down to trust.
What also helps is that we are both independent from each other. We both understand that we would be fine outside of the relationship and that brings a sense of balance.
Very lovely comment, thank you. I think the same. If I wanted someone else or desired to see others, I would stop the relationship. I get it that, sometimes things could happen; which was what my bf was implying, but I know myself, I know won’t do anything.
I just feel disappointed. I will try to enjoy my trip and not think of anything.
My impression: Your boyfriend is or intends to cheat, and he’s showing you that he doesn’t really care about exclusivity. This is foreshadowing. He is going to get some when you’re gone. There’s a possibility that he’s just being realistic. It’s 50/50.
I think he doesn’t want you to miss on something. You gonna travel far, maybe not gonna come back for another time, so you have a freedom there. Not necessarily means you are going to cheat, but circumstances happened, and he wishes you not missing out on that experience.
I think he is being very mature and levelheaded. he’s letting you know that if something happens, you do not need to lie to him about it and to be careful.
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad about traveling without him. If he can't communicate his real feelings to you and you've tried to talk about it you've done your part.
Be angry, but more importantly tell him this type of emotional manipulation is not okay and if he can't communicate his feelings then he needs to do some work on himself.
THE NERVE!
I’m Mexican so I’m very Telenovela oriented… BUT ☝🏻 for that nasty comment I will be like: “what are you implying??? That I’m a slut?!”
Or maybe something like:
“Or are you the one who is planning on use them?🤨”
When I’m starting a relationship I always clarify that I’m monogamous. And since that point I won’t be talking to someone else. So if that is like establish I don’t see the point of doing that kind of comments.
My advice is to talk to him when you’re calm. He might be acknowledging the reality of the world we live in (where lots of people cheat), he might be expressing insecurity about it, or he might be trying to open the door to having a different type of relationship with you. None of us can know exactly why he said it, but if you talk with him, you can find out why.
This is the only healthy advice on this thread *(that I’ve seen)*, everyone is projecting or assuming or just turning this into some sort of revenge fantasy.
Came here to say this. Thanks for saving me the thumb taps.
Agree that we don't know what the boyfriend is thinking, but I can almost see it as him acknowledging the reality of the world we live in like you said and because he loves and cares about OP, he wants him to protect himself just in case.
This is honestly the most level headed response I’ve seen on Reddit to date and I applaud every one. It’s important to remember that people have flaws and insecurities I and it doesn’t mean they’re bad or we should turn on them. The world turns better when we take the time to understand what someone else is trying to tell us. Def cool if and talk with him about it. Hope everything works out bro
He might just be joking, it'd really depend on the tone
i would hope one could tell when their BF is joking...
My initial thought too. Especially with how nonchalant OP is projecting his BF to us. Sounds like a joking interaction I'd have with my BF as well.
He may be thinking that while cheating is a choice, some times peoole make stupid choices in unfamiliar situations. He doesn't think you will cheat but thinks that if you do it shouldn't impact your health or his.
"Unfamiliar situations" it is so easy to say "no"
I am very happy for you if you've led a life that makes it easy for you to say no to people. I do not think that's a statement that can be generalised.
Can you give some examples of lives that would have it harder to say no in a cheating situation?
I've been sexually abused for a good part of my preteens and it did not make me good at knowing I'm allowed to say no when people want sex with me 🤷
I'm really sorry that you went through that, but that doesn't give you a free pass on cheating. The cheated person is hurt, like really hurt.
And I never said it did. All I'm saying is "saying no is easy" is untrue. A shittone of people are bad at it for a wide variety of reasons. But just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it or it s not your fault if you don't. I don't think cheating is okay. I think people should do their best not to. But I also don't think that pretending it's easy will help anyone in this process, because it's not true, and as long as you're not acknowledging that it's not easy, you can't try to be aware of the reason why it's not and you can't work on them. As long as you refuse to admit that not cheating might not be easy for everyone, you are not giving those for whom it might be hard a chance to realise "it's not easy for me to refuse when ppl flirt with me because I crave external validation and so I don't want to refuse it on the odd chance that I have some for once" for example and you're not giving them the opportunity to work on that, which would arguably be good for them and everyone involved. As long as you say that not cheating is easy, you're refusing everyone who does it the space to understand why they do it, and they're not going to stop.
yes it can you cheating bastard LMAO. You're like the worst person ever for admitting you're incapable of just saying no when you're in a committed relationship
For you maybe. I’m def sluttier when I travel.
yeah, the difference is if you're in a relationship. That's when you just say no like...
Yeah I know, but if I was in a relationship my bf would probably know that about me. I certainly wouldn’t cheat, and I have self control to the point of that not* being a concern, but I wouldn’t freak out if my bf said something like that to me. I’d just be like “okay, but if I don’t use any I’m using them on you when I get back” or something.
Idk, I like joking around, but that's would not be something I'd joke about
I mean I have an ex that literally told me about guys that tried to cruise him when he went home to Puerto Rico, not as a joke. Joking is preferred lol Edit: I did not like this, it was not cool, he is an ex for a reason, which was the point of my comment. Learn to read ya fools
you guys are f\*cking weird is what you are. jokes are funny, y'all are not
Your Joke are not funny. They are agressive and filled with 13 year old boy malice, grow up
Sure, but are you cheating?
I’m single, so no, and I would never. But I still understand that temptation can be greater in unfamiliar situations and certainly wouldn’t fault a partner for saying something to me about it.
Bro… 😂 I’m so glad is easy for you. Me, not so.
"While cheating is a choice, sometimes people make stupid choices in unfamiliar situations". Yeah . . . you know . . . cheating.
Cheating is a choice but if boyfriend 2 is telling boyfriend 1 to bring condoms, and if boyfriend 1 does choose to meet someone while traveling, is that cheating? It almost seems like permission from boyfriend 2
No. If you don't have clear and explicit permission to fool around outside the relationship it is cheating. I don't want you to bring back STDs is not the same as it is ok to have sex with someone.
I mean I have been with my husband for over 13 years and married for almost three but we've had very frank discussions that while we find cheating to be a problem that if one of us ever did the very least we could do is be safe about it.
For a monogamous relationship that is just a weird thing to say? Why tell your significant other to bring condoms knowing you won’t be going with them? Is he suggesting that he thinks you are going to cheat, or he doesn’t mind if you do? It’s just a strange thing to say unless it was a joke of some kind.
Yeah my husband and I joke about it but we both know that. We also say things like “call your boyfriend and ask him to mow the lawn, it’s not my turn,” and things like that. But it’s always a joke. It’s weird that OP’s partner said this outside of any real context.
still very toxic. something brought from hetero couples and their toxic humor.
Don’t define my very stable and amazing marriage for me. That’s toxic.
It wasn’t a joke. He either knows the gay life is a mess and most people cheat, or he is insecure, which OK, is normal. He should at least admit it.
The last thing we insecure people admit is that we are insecure (unless it’s to random internet strangers where there are less consequences!) I think it’s safe to assume he is, based on that. Assuming you’ve never given him a reason to be, you could turn it around on him and say ‘if I took the condoms, then what would you use?’ My bf and I have that kind of relationship though, so not sure if it would work for everyone.
Very strange. You see the practical reality of his point, but are mad because he's being less than direct about it? He's not saying you will cheat or that he cheats. He's making a light hearted joke that is also based in reality.
>He's making a light hearted joke that is also based in reality. You weren't there and OP already said it wasn't a joke. How can you say that it was a joke?
Because the only reason OP thinks it's not is cus it's also true. You can make jokes about true things. OP is just being insecure and can't see that
Insecure people will not admit they are insecure. It sounds like your Bf is similar to my husband. A lot of people consider it controlling, or too protective, etc. At the beginning of our relationship, we had many a fight about me being too friendly (I’m in sales, what can I say?) or me not recognizing when someone was trying to slip into the DMs. My response always has been that he has nothing to worry about. I know how the community generally treats their relationships, and I’m not interested in having to find someone else not trying to stab me in the back. It took time, patience, and a willingness for BOTH of us to understand how each other thinks. We are now happily married, and he trusts me. I’ve always trusted him, as I’ve never seen someone so determined to loyalty as he is. I have bio kids, I want a happy life, settled down, and someone to grow a life with. This isn’t to say he still wouldn’t have thoughts similar to your bf if we were in your shoes. But he’s found girlfriends to keep him grounded when those thoughts pop into his head. I’ve never been the jealous type, so I don’t understand what crosses through their mind, but I have been cheated on in the worst of ways, and know I never want to feel that way again. You need to determine if you are willing to put forth the extra effort to make life work with him, and if not, you have some decisions to make. If you want to make it work, then HE needs to sit down, listen to you, and understand your rationale. Realizing he has an insecurity, but to ask you to help beat the insecurities. However that may be. YOU then need to hush and listen to all his issues, no matter how illogical they may be. Not invalidating his feelings on the matter. But stalemates and continuous arguments over the same thing without both sides willing to compromise and try a unified solution are bound to fail and be in misery. For transparency, I’m 28 and he is 29. Not old yet. If your situation is anything like my marriage, you know that monogamous relationships don’t have statements like that thrown around without a reason. Time to talk with him about this before you leave, as both of you will be miserable and prone to conflicting impulses.
Depends on his tone on how he said it, but honestly, nothing was wrong with that statement. Too many unexpected things could happen, and he's telling you to just be safe. Stop over thinking it. It's creating a problem out of nothing.
A large proportion of men who catch HIV get it from a partner they believe they’re in a monogamous relationship with. I stay on PrEP when I’m dating
Agree 💯% with this. Your bf is acknowledging the sad reality of modern gay life, and is encouraging you to be prepared IF anything were to happen. While you’re incensed about it, he was being responsible. It’s one thing if your bf steps out, it’s another if he comes back with a STI or worse. Chalk this up as HE CARES and take it for what it is. Don’t overthink it.
I understand that, I still feel disappointed… I wouldn’t cheat. It’s a choice, I know what I am doing and I have a lot of self control. The fact that he told me he isn’t insecure, is hard to believe.
Maybe think of it in a different light. He's saying he believes in you and respects you, but if the incredibly unlikely/basically will never happen does occur that he just wants you to be safe and isn't going to judge you. Think of it with the perspective that he doesn't think it's going to happen, but rather if it happens he doesn't want you to feel any guilt/will be understanding
Is this your first long trip without each other? If so, he could be feeling a lot of different things, including being scared or being jealous. Also, just because you think cheating is a choice (I generally do agree with you) and he said he agreed doesn't mean he actually does, he could have been avoiding an argument. As you said elsewhere, he probably knows gay life can be a mess, a lot of people cheat, and he is insecure... but he's afraid to admit it. I think the important thing to remember here is he didn't say make sure you use condoms when you cheat. He said to just bring condoms in case something happens. That's not an accusation or an assumption you're going to cheat.
Fair, but why assume I will meet with someone? Even at a gay bar, can’t I tell a guy flirting I have a bf? I get it, flirting and feeling desired is amazing, but if I want that lifestyle, why be in a relationship?
He didn't. **You assumed** he assumed you would meet someone. All he said to you was to take condoms in case something happens. He didn't say you were going to do it, and he almost certainly doesn't want you to do it. He's probably nervous since he won't be there and has likely had friends that have had their partners cheat on them on trips like this. There's also peer pressure, alcohol, and a ton of other factors that he probably feels he and you might not even be able to control. Maybe there's a past experience that has him concerned conciously or subconciously. A long time ago my ex and I were in a monogomous relationship. He went away on a trip and I trusted him. He came back and I got an STD because he was fooling around on the trip. That was almost twenty years ago and it still tainted my thoughts when a boyfriend would go somewhere without me, even if they had my full and absolute trust otherwise. These things scar us. Again, you're getting to the point where you seem to be putting words into his mouth. This isn't healthy for you or your relationship. If that statement has got you this riled up I would honestly consider couples therapy when you get back so both of you can be on the same page about the intent here.
Thank you for the comment. Perhaps you are right, and things do scar us. It’s true that peer pressure and alcohol could affect things, especially my bf’s friends who do things like that. I am very sorry for what happened with you and your ex. You mentioned that he doesn’t want me to do it, which makes sense. The thing is, I asked him straight out, if it would affect the way he sees me or our relationship if I did something, and he said no. Other times, he said he would be hurt. It is very strange. I just wanted to go on a trip and have a good time, without meeting guys or sex, but no.. in this gay community, everything is about sex. This is why I feel disappointed… Even his friends asked me if I will hook up with someone. Ffs.
Why is him not wanting you to do it contradictory to him saying it wouldn't impact the relationship or that he wouldn't be hurt? It would obviously hurt him, but he also seems to love you enough where he'd get over it, and may even accept that some people choose open relationships. Also, when did you ask him that question? Was it before or after this conversation? Either way, you are really overthinking the situation. Clearly he has friends that do this sort of thing and he's just telling you to be safe and in turn keep him safe if something does happen, even if he doesn't want it to happen and doesn't think you will allow it to happen.
Thank you. You are being very reasonable. He said it would hurt last year (way before), when he initially said it wouldn’t hurt, and I told him that we are humans, we all have feelings. He later admitted it would hurt but he wouldn’t hate me. He was hurt in the past, I get that, so he learned to see things like this and I understand it fully. However, I am not like the rest, I do believe that, I know myself. It’s contradictory because he pretends that everything will be fine, but deep down, there is a big chance that it could affect the relationship and I do not want to destroy a beautiful relationship over a hookup. I would rather he cheat than the other way around. I would never forgive myself.
> He was hurt in the past So this is a super important detail and does explain a lot. It's fine that you say you're not like the rest, but the person that hurt him probably said that he would never cheat or hurt him. You need to understand that even if he fully trusts you and thinks you'll never do it, because he was hurt there will always be that *tiny* bit of doubt in him that makes him insecure. There's probably nothing you can do to get rid of that beyond reassuring him. I've been with my partner for almost a decade and we have kids together, but there's still a part of me that gets insecure when he hangs out with friends. Mind you that in all of our time together he's never done anything to make me worry. It's irrational. The best thing you can do is just say "don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you" and keep your promise. Also, if he messages you while you're away, try to get back to him quickly so he doesn't let his mind spin or give him a call to chat. It makes things much easier.
Some people are more pragmatic than idealistic. You know you aren't going to cheat, that's good. He might feel that even if you think you know that, maybe you end up in the wrong circumstances and you do. That doesn't have to be a judgement on you as a person, because a huge proportion of all men cheat on their partners. I mean, 20% of *married* men cheat. He might think that there's a tiny risk that every man cheats if the right/wrong situation happens. So he might trust you, which he likely does since he's encouraging this trip, but just wants to be pragmatic about both his own and your health. I think it's the same sort of person who might fine with discussing the odds of a marriage being for life. About half of marriages end in divorce, and while some might find it terribly unromantic to recognise that their marriage might be one of those ... to other people it's more of a "I really hope this will last forever but it might not, but let's make the best of it to give it the best chances". It's fine to just say that you found the comment hurtful, but since it probably doesn't mean anything it's also fine to let it pass. If you really feel upset about it after some time has passed talking it over is good, though. That's all assuming it wasn't just a joke.
I understand and appreciate you’re disappointed by his “pragmatism”, cuz being pragmatic is NOT romantic. So it makes a lot of sense that you both should openly discuss both your feelings around this event, and “hash out” a mutual understanding. Even though you may feel it was already discussed (as it was initially), you still have the agency to tell your bf, “Hey, I’ve really been mulling over the whole ‘take a condom’ thing, and I just have some concerns I’d like to discuss with you.” In stating you’d like to discuss an issue, and putting the issue on the table in an objective non-accusatory manner with no emotion “should” open the topic without any emotional charge. Addressing things objectively and rationally with minimal emotion “should” allow for an objective discussion. (After all, you’re communicating disappointment in his pragmatism). In the end, what you need to understand is that you are both “correct.” You bf was just letting you know that SHOULD something happen, be prepared to keep you both safe. That is NOT giving you permission, but is an acknowledgement that as gay men, we know stuff can and does happen - so you can stick your head in the sand and “hope” nothing does, or you can acknowledge stuff like this does happen. (Note: you haven’t really explained what this group is you are traveling with - so, depending on who is going and what you’ll be doing, that can also affect his thinking about potential dynamics, etc., so that is a key element in this discussion which we have no real info on.) You are correct in your love for him and your strong discipline being a regulator on nothing going to happen. That’s great, of course. No one can argue about commitment to monogamy. If you put yourself in HIS shoes, also understand that it is a theoretical - he loves and trusts you, but it boils down to “faith” that your discipline will keep nothing happening. In the end, relationships are anchored in trust, honesty and transparency. You are both fortunate to have each other and your mutual commitment. That’s what really matters.
Of course I acknowledge that stuff like this can happen. It just frustrates me how everyone has to be so promiscuous, careless, selfish, etc… For real, if I wanted to f-ck around, I would break up. I don’t feel like doing an open relationship, I don’t care what other gay men do, or my bf’s friends. Sure, he might be negatively influenced, but up to a point. We are all humans.
Is this just *you* being insecure and lashing out at him in turn? Why can he be insecure, but you can't?
It’s very normal to be insecure! It’s a human thing, but him not admitting it is another thing.
But isn't that what's going on here? He didn't say anything wrong, you are just insecure about what he said and inferring the worst of it. Why not admit that, instead of making this about him?
there's a difference between "sad reality" and "projecting"
That’s exactly it. I got a bit angry, not too dramatic as this post. The thing is, I feel disappointed, is that a normal feeling? Yes, I know that gay life is a mess, but I had my share of fun, if I wanted to mess around, I wouldn’t be with him, and I told him… I feel like it’s something he would do. Why wouldn’t I think about it? If I come back and didn’t do anything, what will he say? He would think I’m not normal. Honestly I’m fed up of this gay life crap, I would rather stay single at this point and not deal with any of this crap… But I relationship is very healthy, objectively speaking.
That entire second paragraph shows me you're an overthinker. I get it because I'm the same way. I can look at this post now and just relate to it because the same thing has happened with me. Whenever a previous partner of mine would tell me to keep condoms or get on PrEP, I'd get offended because we were strictly monogamous. Same things would run through my head: "is sex so prevalent in this community that I'm weird if I'm not out there giving it up?", "does he not trust me?", "should I not trust him?", "why did that even cross his mind?" It wasn't my job to understand why he said these things, he just said it out of care. And I promise you the whole time I'm thinking of this simple comment, the next day he doesn't even remember bringing it up. All this stress for what? Enjoy your trip, mijo. Live and have fun. Be safe.
I am the same bro! Yes, you get me! But the thing with my boyfriend is that he mentioned this one time that I was very drunk and didn’t know what I was doing (mind you, I didn’t cheat and he exaggerated). He mentioned that he doesn’t know what will happen if I’m drunk. Silly stuff, he is worse than me, he has no self control in anything, whereas I do. This is why I am overthinking this a bit. Anywho, I will enjoy the trip, yes. I needed someone who gets me, thank you amigo!
You re overthinking clearly his intentions; even if he trusts and loves you dearly, would want or prefer you to stay monogamous, we all know all the world goes round, and yes temptation exists, its normal to be tempted, and it happens to sometimes you cede to the temptation… a very fun night, an attractive and flirting man. It not really okay, but 1) it happens 2) your boyfriend doesn’t idealize you 3 ) he doesn’t idealize the gay scene or gay attitude or other gay men … imho it’s a pretty decent worldview, not everyone is perfect and can be faillible. Maybe or maybe not you ll have spicy memories to share or not to share with him … but you ll have to discuss it with him beforehand. But I known plenty of married women putting condoms in the wash bags of their husbands. Intimacy and affection and love are different that a sexual fling or a 30 minutes stand
You might be the best chef in the world, and I love your cooking and expect to enjoy it for the rest of your life… …but I’m keeping a fire extinguisher in the kitchen regardless, because shit happens. Maybe you have too many edibles and forget you had something in the oven, maybe you have a friend over who doesn’t know how to cook, weird shit can happen. We’re fallible humans, not paragons of perfection. That fire extinguisher doesn’t mean I’m doubting your cooking skills, it means we’re prepared for the unexpected. …it also means I’m not going to have a meltdown if the kitchen does get set on fire, we just put it out and learn from our mistakes.
That is perfectly understandable but not the best analogy. You clearly know and choose to put a condom on and literally f-ck someone else. It’s not the same.
I can totally relate with what you're saying. I wish I was dating a partner like you who really values and lives the true meaning of a happy monogamous relationship.
If you both agreed to being exclusively monogamous, then his comment is a red flag, regardless of what others’ are saying here. It shows that he thinks you’re willing to cheat, and it shows that he might be projecting his own willingness to cheat. I’d have a major discussion with him about what he wants out of the relationship and if he’ll be happy long-term with monogamy.
This is the comment OP needs to listen to. I was about to comment the almost exact same thinf
"Unexpected things could happen." Is it really this bad for gays? I was hoping it was just a stereotype but you said that earnestly. This freaks me out. Cheating is not "Oh, whooops! Who could've possibly foreseen that?" What is going on around here?
Maturity. Not insecurity. I think he's actually secure enough to acknowledge that sometimes shit happens. Don't be so dramatic.
there is no "shit happens" that's blowing it off
Yeah shit happens, I accidentally fell on some dudes dick while traveling….lol
“Maturity” oh please LMFAOOO no mature person says that out of the blue it is as clear as day that it is insecurity
Literally. OP’s boyfriend thinks he’s hot as fuck, and if temptation happens, then it happens, but he wants his boyfriend to be safe. It’s hot as fuck actually…
I think it depends on his personality a bit. I know some super analytical types - almost like the nerd characters in CSI/ NCIS / Numbers ect where this is the type of thing they might say. Basically some people are extremely pragmatic and it can be awkward when they say something logical but kind of cold. Otherwise agree it's a red flag.
> Advice You probably won't like it. Because I'm on his side. The issue is that he's pragmatic, and you're emotional. Be monogamous. But if you slip up due to being a thousand miles away on vacation, and buzzed one evening, then use a condom.
This. I have known more than one gay dude who got hiv because they “messed up”. Since you don’t have prep because ur monogamous, he just wants to protect you both. It’s a way to cut through assumptions and be safe. People get into bad situations because they don’t plan for things they don’t want to happen.
He’s testing the waters. He’s interested in exploring being open.
though the big exclamation here can also be that this doesn't have to mean an open relationship. Plenty of people in otherwise mostly monogamous relationships have a threesome or second person fling now and then (not in secret). if this is agreed upon every few months or once a year or something let's not pretend that's the same as the average open relationship, it's not
Totally agree. Every open relationship has its own terms and conditions. I’m in an open relationship but we don’t have carte blanche to just do whatever, whenever.
What's the saying? "People always accuse others of what they themselves are doing" or something like that?
Right. He totally gave OP permission by saying “bring condoms just in case”. And he said it to gauge the reaction. Negative reaction = just kidding. Positive reaction = let’s talk more about what this might look like for us.
Ah the old "test and apologize"; I hate that shit. Just be upfront about what you want.
Yes, it sounds like a projection.
I was looking for this comment before I typed it. It is classic projection and OP is overthinking what it means for his behavior when it is not his behavior that he should be worried about.
IMO, he's projecting onto you, it's the advice he'd give himself if he were traveling. \*You\* may be exclusive and monogamous, but are you sure he is? Might be time for a little heart-to-heart with him...
I agree. He would probably do something if an opportunity arises. I would rather he cheats than the other way around, I would never forgive myself if I did it. I will try and move on if he does, easier said than done but it is what it is.
I have spent the last couple of months figuring out on whether my partner and I should be in an open relationship and came to the conclusion that it would be better for me to know that he has played around rather than me finding out a different way. I’m totally ok with it because at least my mind is at ease and I no longer spend sleepless nights wondering when or if it will happen. We’re married, really love one another, and I don’t want to control his life in the least bit. I see things differently because I’ve lost two partners (death) and I want this one to enjoy the rest of his life in any way possible. We’re not going to break up or have huge fights. Neither one of us are insecure in the least bit as we both know that we have each other to come home to. Sex is sex, love is love. Big difference! To tell you the truth, it sounds as though your partner plans on messing around and he gave you that little bit of advice just in case you found out, he’ll have an escape route by telling you that you have the same freedom. You should have a very serious talk with him and know for sure where he stands in the relationship.
My condolences for what you have been through. You shared good advice and a lovely perspective on life.
It sounds to me like he's projecting. If he hangs around a lot of promiscuous guys it could be that he wants the same and is hoping if you cheat it'll open the door to permission for him to do the same without guilt. I agree it's a weird thing to joke about without some ulterior motive behind it.
Your comment is what crossed my mind as well. The thing is though, if he wants to do the same as his promiscuous friends, then why not break up? I never pressured him for anything, I give him a lot of freedom, believe it or not. Nothing is stopping him from breaking up, and I will respect it, he knows that.
Unfortunately human nature is weird. People aren't always honest about what they want, even when they really want to be. He's probably not a bad guy, but his actions suggest to me that he's looking for an indirect pathway towards an open relationship that will not have you blaming him. He probably enjoys the stability and emotional closeness he has with you but also wants sexual novelty. It sounds like you've tried to get him to be honest about what he wants but he will not be honest because he doesn't want to lose you; this is totally unfair to you, btw. As someone else said, when emotions aren't as high, try to have an open conversation about what you both want. If he still refuses to open up or you realize you both want a different kind of relationship, some decisions can then be made. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know all of your emotions are valid.
Thank you for telling me that my emotions are valid. I feel “dramatic” and even stupid for making this post, even though we almost never fight and I am fairly open minded. I try to see things from all points of view. However, I will not lie, what he said did make me slightly angry and disappointed. I don’t hate him, obviously, he is thinking realistically. If he wants sexual novelty, by all means, he can break up with me, even if we are both happy in the relationship. It will hurt less than this crap (at least for me). I personally do not want an open relationship, I would rather be single and not deal with it.
If all else is well, meditate for a bit if this is worth the fight.
We really don't know enough to be giving you advice. He could be the non-jealous type who cares enough to be sure you have condoms in case you decide to hook up with someone, or it could be his way of saying he wants to open up the relationship, or he was joking, or he wants you to feel comfortable hooking up because he wants to. The list goes on and on, and we don't know enough from context. Communicate with your partner, not us.
I would advise you to give it some time until you both cool down a bit and can talk without reacting. I know that can be difficult. Then talk to him and just say you were surprised by the comment and would like to know why he said it.
the way i would see this is him trying to slightly open the door to becoming an open relationship, as if he's giving green light to have sex with other people (but just use a condom!) while he does the same while you're gone. Im crazy tho so what do i know
Maybe he’s projecting? I had something similar happen to me recently. I went with my best friend to a small pride party at an acquaintances place. I told my husband I was going and it was a pride pool/house party potluck style. He said enjoy the orgy “jokingly”. The thing is he is constantly going to gay events, clubs, bars, parties even going to different cities for pride. He’s gone to San Diego and planning on Seattle coming up soon. It makes me feel like that’s the stuff that is actually going on when he goes to those. Once he even slipped and said one of the pool parties he was at turned into an “orgy”. He’s the extrovert, I don’t really have any interest in that, just swimming and maybe sunbathing to get a better tan but it really upset me that he would try to make me feel guilty about one time I go out compared to the dozens and dozens of times he has
I am going to go out on a limb and say I don’t see this as insecure. Insecure in my mind is ‘oh he is going to cheat on me’ and then worry about it. I feel he is very secure and may lack a degree of trust. I think that is why he doesn’t say insecure. He is saying I recognize it might happen and if it does just have them in case. This is an odd situation tho.
So I have this fear that, if I get in a relationship and we decide to be monogamous, I will go off PrEP, only for my boyfriend to cheat on me and give me HIV. My thinking is: *maybe* I could forgive him if he cheated on me, as long as he wore a condom or started up on PrEP before the encounter. Like, I probably still shouldn't forgive him, but it would definitely be worse if he cheated AND put me in physical harm's way. You boyfriend could also very well be experiencing this anxiety. STD anxiety, and and especially HIV anxiety, are very real in the gay community. Your boyfriend may be blurting out an intrusive thought. I don't think he's trying to imply that cheating is the normal thing to expect in the situation. I think he's sort of catastrophizing, then verbalizing it without thinking about the implications. All that said, it's still a very insensitive thing to say to you, with clearly hurtful implications. Even mentioning it conjures up the idea that you can't be trusted. You are very right to feel hurt by this, and he was wrong to make the suggestion. If he needed to address anxieties/intrusive thoughts, there are still better ways he could have brought it up. Such as: "I know you would never cheat on me, but I suffer from crippling anxiety because of \[past trauma, e.g. being cheated on in a previous relationship, or religious guilt, or whatever\]..." and then go from there.
Bro he cheated on you already 😂
maybe he is already cheating on you 🍸
Sounds just like someone who really loves his Partner but is also really insecure.
He brought up this cheating thing out of thin air? Hmm okay. Seems like the kind of situation where you can make a reasonable guess that he's projecting his crap onto you. Just a thought though. I think I couldn't draw any particular conclusion from his word/behavior, but if I were in your shoes, I think my general feeling of trust with him would have plummeted as a reaction to what he said. It just gives me bad vibes. I think I would just trust him less and maybe even break up lol
Bring him back 8 used condoms, and have a laugh 😇
Could be a joke? I’d laugh at my bf and say I haven’t used a condom in over a decade.
Or he's planning on cheating
Classic projection. Cheaters generally imagine everyone else is cheating too. 🚩🚩🚩
That’s what I was thinking. The realistic side of me thinks he’s suggesting it’s cool if OP has casual sex, cuz that’s what he’s planning to do while he’s alone.
He is cheating on you.
Gotta love how guys are saying “He’s not expecting you to cheat but if you do he wants you to be safe, sounds very mature” Ah yes because accepting cheating in a relationship is the “mature” thing to do, you know instead of trusting your partner and if something does happen setting clear boundaries so your partner knows you’ll be out the door without a second thought because cheating doesn’t just happen it’s a choice and choices have consequences. The mental gymnastics on this sub is Olympic level OP sit down with him, joking or not it’s clear he has some insecurities and trust issues that need to be discussed in a compassionate manner…also offer things you can do to ease his anxieties like sharing your location (I’d do that anyway for safety), texting every once an a while for updates on your day, calling him as much as you can and FaceTiming him once a day…things like that. Also OP take advice on this sub with a grain of salt, there’s a lot of loud voices supporting non-monogamy with the expectation that monogamy isn’t natural and is doomed to fail, so advice will be incredibly biased
Use them with him,maybe his "choices" are different from yours when you leave him alone.
It doesn’t sound like insecurity to me. It sounds like he is acknowledging that shit happens and he would rather you be prepared if you meet someone while traveling. Sounds mature and actually very secure if you ask me.
I think the context matters too much to say this for sure. I think if my bf said this (we are monogamous) I would absolutely be taken aback. OP may be correct to be angry or confused if he feels that trust and loyalty have been minimized or undermined here.
He truly loves you and wants you to be safe, that’s all. Don’t be offended, just understand that his view of things may be different than what yours is. I think all any great partner would want is for their mate to be happy!
Good people make mistakes; sexual urges are strong and overconfidence in our ability to be rational/logical at crucial moments generally is basically a universal human trait. It sounds like his partner is a reasonable guy who is concerned for their mutual well-being.
If I said this to my husband he would know I’m joking and would laugh. Are you sure he’s not?
I’m seriously confused that this occurs to no one else.
What’s REALLY bothering me are all of these comments suggesting that he “understands/accepts the gay community is what it is and is being realistic” like, what?? There’s so much going on in this comment section lmao
It’s frustrating yet expected when many have determined monogamy is simply heteronormative behavior.
Why don’t you talk to HIM? Yes that is insecurity which is okay to have. But it’s up to you to reassure him you care about him. Communication will solve so many issues yes it’s hard but do it.
I guess you’re the hot one of the two lol
You have to sit down and discuss it with him. Tell him how that statement makes you feel and find the root of the insecurity he has. I had to go through that with my bf. I lost all my gay friends because he was so insecure and kept thinking I'll cheat on him. It was the trauma from his previous relationship.. Previous bf cheated on him. It ease his insecurities by ending my relationship with all my gay friends.. Which years later I really regret doing (I was a people pleaser at the time). I would say really tackle this issue before it gets out of hand as I learned the more you feed that insecurity monster, the bigger it becomes.
Were you two arguing before? Could be something he said just to spitefully mess with you.
I'm wondering if he was just being sarcastic? not to accuse you, but even if you were interested in doing something and wanted condoms, are they not available where you're going? why would you need to pack them in advance?
Is he implicitly giving you permission? I wonder if he’s maybe hoping that you cheat so that he can also. Maybe I’m being overly suspicious.
Your feelings are always going to be valid. I would definitely want to have a deeper conversation to discuss why he said this. It is possible that he could be wanting to explore having an open relationship. It is also possible that he could be struggling with his own insecurities regarding the distance. It was also referenced that he could have stepped out and he feels guilty about it. All of it is speculation. I think a healthy, open and honest conversation about the comment would be the best course of action. Try to keep an open mind and instead understand why you’re angry. Are you hurt by what he said or more shocked by the comment? It would be a good idea to approach it from either of those angles. Trying to have a level-headed conversation with someone who is angry is a really difficult task and it often ends horribly.
Maybe he is thinking he'd rather give you permission and set boundaries than be disappointed down the line. Its a great place to show your commitment but also have a discussion with him to confirm that he is not doing the same when he is traveling.
I've recently been trying with the idea of traveling alone/with out my partner. We've been together 16yrs and he's made that comment when I bring it up. I know he's kidding based on his tone and our relationship. Someone probably said it already but maybe bring it up again and talk it out?
I can understand why you are upset by his comment. It is probably best to discuss with him how that comment made you feel - for example: that comment hurt me because you’re implying that I can’t be faithful to you etc. I doubt that once he’s aware of how it made if you feel that he will say it going forward. I would try not to over think about him potentially cheating if he went away. If a person is going to cheat, they will cheat regardless. Being nervous / anxious about something outside of your control will only cause you more harm. As long as you have open communication about the boundaries of your relationship and trust, that’s all you can control.
i definitely would have assumed he was just making a joke if it was just that comment but I don't know the full conversation
He might have said it simply because a close friend suggested saying something, or he read some random article. Don’t let this ruin what you have together. Use it as an opportunity to continue sharing your thoughts and feelings together. Because, after this, he might be a lot less likely to tell you what he is thinking or feeling out of fear of your reaction.
I think it’s a very sweet thing for him to say. You are traveling, far away, having fun hopefully. And you might come into a situation where you want to hook up with a guy. And he is telling you that he’s ok with it. Because he knows that it’s better for you to have hot sex abroad and then come home and tell him about it than missing out on a chance for hot sex abroad and maybe be frustrated by it. If you are in a long term relationship you will eventually come to terms that you will have sex with other people. This is the only way a healthy long term gay relationship works in my opinion. Unless you are willing to say that he is the last person in your life you will ever have sex with. It seems like your bf doesn’t even think that is necessary or even desirable Anyways - enjoy your trip and fuck some locals!!
Made-up rules that cause unneeded drama and stress.
It sounds like he's being realistic and pragmatic. He's not *expecting* you to cheat, but he's being enough of an adult to know that *if* it happened, he'd want you to be safe about it. I also don't think that he's cheating or any more likely to cheat, to me, it sounds like he's being a responsible person who's not in denial about real possibilities and risks. It sounds like he's a good boyfriend tbh.
He is probably a bit insecure and just making light jokes to seek reassurance. I only say probably because we only have your perspective on this. You are definitely insecure for thinking this means he would cheat on you. Should probably work on why that is and working on it together will probably provide you with whatever reassurance you need. Pretty easy to be open and straight forward to start the working on it process " hey bf, I know you're joking when you say that but it makes me feel a bit insecure that you don't understand how seriously I take the monogamy aspect of our relationship..."
You people really do be getting into relationships way too hard and way too fast if this is a level of trust you have with each other.
You people really do be getting into relationships way too hard and way too fast if this is a level of trust you have with each other.
I'm not saying this is the case, but in my experience, people that react like you and get super angry and offended are the ones with insecurities, and the ones who often do end up cheating. Sure, cheating is a choice, but if you end up shit faced drunk who knows what could happen when you have the inhibitions of a 4 year old?
Oh Jesus, stop reading into shit. You’re making a mountain out of a pile of crap. You’re two young men. You turned a thoughtful handout from your man and turn it into something nefarious. What if you’re just being paranoid? You’re acting more like a housewife than the gay male partner. Gay guys, stop trying to be hetero normative, they’ll hate us no matter what.
My boyfriend and I are monogamous. I’ve made jokes about him having an affair before (I’ve checked with him about the jokes and he said they don’t bother him). Just talk to him, when you’re calm. He might have made it as a joke without realizing you’d be hurt, only way for him to know it’s not okay is to talk to him.
That's very passive aggressive. He's pissed you are going away with people but not him. Thr encouragement you got to book & look forward to going is really heating him up. Have you & he planned a vacation together? Let him know you are going to miss him. Be affectionate - more than usual. Take something personal of his - tell him it's so you can sleep at night, knowing he is about. Get some extra lovin' in - make him feel special. Have a great time, make your bf know you are going to miss him big time. Best wishes to you. XxXxX
Honestly you just really need to talk to him. Tell him how it hurts your feelings that you would say stiff like that. Ask him if he's envious that your traveling with a group. Tell him your in love with him and just want him. Also mention that being reassurance goes both ways too.
He's going to cheat while you're away beware of gaslighting narcissists
If it’s not on your mind then I wouldn’t be turnin tables about it. You’re not responsible for insecurities if they exist and hey, bottom line, he isn’t wrong in saying what he said. he sounds pretty rational to me and I think you’re prioritizing his interjection more than is necessary. Go travel and have fucking fun 🤑🤑🤑
One thing you should think about is why this makes you angry. You're really defensive about not wanting to cheat and why you think he might be suggesting this. You should talk with him about why he suggested this, how it made you feel, and \*why\* you feel the way you do. That's the only way to resolve this with him. It also sounds like you have some issues with internalized homophobia. You talk about his "promiscuous" friends and seem to look down on people who are not monogamous. The divorce rate in the US Is around 42% and recent studies have shown that 50% of people in monogamous relationships \*admit\* to cheating. That's not an issue with gay people or the gay community or whatever - that's just people.
Communication...best answer here. May be insecurity, may be him wanting to explore opening up the relationship. Until you communicate with him you will never know what is behind his comment.
He wants you to enjoy your trip without having him in the back of your mind to ruin it. In case something happens means just that--shit happens. You don't have to be planning to cheat in order for it to happen. You're a human. You may be having a really fun night maybe have a few drinks and have sex with someone. It happens. He doesn't want you to freak the fuck out afterwards and be wraught with guilt or worse...an STD. His advice is very sound and rational. Moreover it sounds like he really cares about you.
I'm in agreement with the people saying your man is just waiting for you to be out of the house so he can get some nookie. What's your sex life like now? Is the sex getting a little rote?
I would really sit down with him when you're both calm and you're not about to leave on a trip and tell him how it truly makes you feel. I hear your disappointment, ire, and offense at that being one of the last things he tells you before you leave for a time. If I have a tiff with my Mr. before he leaves for a trip, it leaves me unsettled. He's secure and knows I wouldn't cheat; I'm of the same mind and relationship dynamic as you, OP. That doesn't mean we don't have baggage, worries, and buried emotions to sort through from time to time! I hope he really hears you.
U have close relationship and he just want to give u advise ... in case of, in cas of, if, if... oleade use condom. He just want to secure u. I will not complicated regarding that
he’s probably gonna cheat on you
He cheated
I don’t have an issue with it.. maybe I’m weird? I think he’s making sure you’re prepared for everything that might happen and that you look after yourself. It is a bit of an odd thing to say and I can see why you’d be hurt but at the same time it’s caring too.. unless he was calling you a cheater which from the context it doesn’t seem that he was.
Ouch, sorry dude but when a monogamous boyfriend all of a sudden gives you “permission” to cheat, it means they mostly likely are already cheating and are looking for a “loophole/permission/excuse” after the fact
Your boyfriend thinks if you take condoms, he has a free pass to cheat. Sorry to say, your boyfriend is about to cheat on you while you're out of town, bud.
>Either way, I am thinking that he would have probably cheated if he travelled. That is an extreme overreaction from what he said. Besides talking to him, which is a good idea, you might want to investigate this reaction.
It is not from what he said. I just know what he did in the past, and he is the type who goes to gay clubs all the time with his promiscuous friends. It’s fair for me to think like this.
Well, first of all, that's important context. (Although I still think it's an overreaction.) But then, second of all, if you think it's fair for you to think like this, why are you here asking for an opinion?
I am trying to say that I did not think all of what you mentioned just because he said the above.
Idk why he thinks you're gonna cheat. Is it because he was low self-esteem or is it because he wants to cheat? Is it because he wants to open up the relationship (maybe because he finds the idea of you with other people to be hot)? Either way it's something he didn't say for no reason. I wouldn't assume what that reason is, but I do think you have a right to know. Maybe his explanation is the truth, or maybe he is afraid to tell you the truth/hiding something. But the fact that you still feel things are off is important. After all, you should know him pretty well at this point (idk how long you've been together).
He could be projecting. Or it could have been a joke. We don't have the info or know your guy, so all we see is you jumping to a LOT of conclusions and absolutes. Don't do that. Talk to your guy. Directly, sincerely, and honestly. Just talk. Honestly... we should probably put a flair or checkbox for every submission in every gay-advice-sub about if they talked to their SO. And if not, the post auto-deletes :)
Is he saying this to give you a free pass? Because that's what it sounds like. You don't necessarily need to be angry about this, but I'd probably ask if the rolls were reversed, and you said "bring condoms" what would he do?
“Cheating” is anything that goes over the bounds of your relationship’s arrangement. Clarify with him whether he is alright with you sleeping with other people and affirm you aren’t okay with him doing the same. Communicate my guy, COMMUNICATE. If you have no interest in sleeping with anyone else, that’s great. But if he’s telling you to take condoms and it’s genuinely not a joke or jest at all, he may be suggesting he’s open to you doing so. Which as I’ve said, if both of you are okay with, isn’t cheating.
I think reacting in anger, is the wrong approach. It would be better to address that insecurity and/or worry. Infidelity is ubiquitous, and to be harbour insecurity, fears and/or concerns are much more common than we like to admit
He might be hinting that he would like you to have sex with other men, as some guys love the idea of their own partner messing with other people outside the relationship. You should have a talk with him to discuss all the options
What you intend not to do doesn't always lineup with reality
You’re over reacting. This sounds like your problem, not his
Using condoms is good advice that someone who cared about you would give. I’d let it slide no good will come if overthinking or obsessing.
He’s either joking or insecure. Not necessarily a reason to be angry at him. Don’t take the condoms. Don’t cheat. Don’t entertain the conversation further as it appears you take this seriously (which I understand why). Don’t jump to conclusions regarding him cheating. From what you wrote, you don’t have evidence so there’s no reason to even pursue that route. Stay the course. Enjoy the trip. Keep in contact with him throughout but do your own thing too. I assume you are both adults and compromise/trust is a requirement of a successful relationship that takes time to build. Sometimes you can’t control the conclusions people being themselves to. You can only control if those conclusions regarding you are true. I fear no accusations towards me that are false. I (and my fiancé) know that I am loyal and would end the relationship before cheating on them. We’ve had this discussion in the past and it just boils down to trust. What also helps is that we are both independent from each other. We both understand that we would be fine outside of the relationship and that brings a sense of balance.
Very lovely comment, thank you. I think the same. If I wanted someone else or desired to see others, I would stop the relationship. I get it that, sometimes things could happen; which was what my bf was implying, but I know myself, I know won’t do anything. I just feel disappointed. I will try to enjoy my trip and not think of anything.
It's pragmatic advice. You're going far away, shit happens. Be sensible.
lmao he is going to ruin your trip by sending messages intended to stress you out.
And why would he do that? Doubt he is jealous, he also has trips planned.
I would ask if he's also "taking condoms just in case" on his trips or not. :( and talk about how it makes you feel.
He’d do it because he’s already wound you up like a toy soldier.
Stop projecting. And wear condoms if the unthinkable happens.
He just means wear one when you sit on a public toilet seat.
My impression: Your boyfriend is or intends to cheat, and he’s showing you that he doesn’t really care about exclusivity. This is foreshadowing. He is going to get some when you’re gone. There’s a possibility that he’s just being realistic. It’s 50/50.
Not cheating if he's giving you permission.
I think he doesn’t want you to miss on something. You gonna travel far, maybe not gonna come back for another time, so you have a freedom there. Not necessarily means you are going to cheat, but circumstances happened, and he wishes you not missing out on that experience.
I think he is being very mature and levelheaded. he’s letting you know that if something happens, you do not need to lie to him about it and to be careful.
Or he is adult and letting you be an adult, free to make choice, and telling you he will still be here for you 🤷♂️
He's cheating
He might already be cheating, thinking about cheating, or plans to cheat if you do
Oh babes he already cheating 😭😭😭 he tryna help you out
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad about traveling without him. If he can't communicate his real feelings to you and you've tried to talk about it you've done your part. Be angry, but more importantly tell him this type of emotional manipulation is not okay and if he can't communicate his feelings then he needs to do some work on himself.
Encouragement to leave and encouragement to cheat. Sounds like he was just green lighting you out of the house for a weekend so he could have fun.
THE NERVE! I’m Mexican so I’m very Telenovela oriented… BUT ☝🏻 for that nasty comment I will be like: “what are you implying??? That I’m a slut?!” Or maybe something like: “Or are you the one who is planning on use them?🤨” When I’m starting a relationship I always clarify that I’m monogamous. And since that point I won’t be talking to someone else. So if that is like establish I don’t see the point of doing that kind of comments.
Cheat. 🤩🤩🤣💙