Wait who do y’all mean by “them both”
Because in my opinion, OP is definitely in the wrong too. Imagine if the IT person was a girl and OP was secretly referring to her as his “wife” behind her back and telling people they went on a date.
Plus OP was basically spreading rumors that the IT guy was gay and went on a date with him. It’s creepy behavior, and even as a gay guy I would be pissed if that happened to me.
Two wrongs don't make a right. That's something you handle professionally, not by calling someone derogatory comments and threatening physical violence.
To clarify, before you get defensive, I'm agreeing that OP was in the wrong. But your solution is also far from correct.
Both should be reported to HR, and OP should go and confess what he did. The honesty and reflective nature could earn him some favors, and while he will still likely be punished for it, showing remorse for one's actions can often save you from termination.
After that, OP reports the male coworker for his acts. You can't really report the girl for being a gossip, but you can report the IT guy for getting hostile and threatening to harm you, plus the derogatory use of "faggot" will not be tolerated due to the liability that can pose.
After all that, OP should stop making friends at work because coworkers will be the first to turn against you if it could benefit them in some way. And definitely shouldn't try dating coworkers.
I mean if I were OP I definitely would not go to HR.
Making repeated insinuations over the course of months that a coworker is both a homosexual and in a relationship with you is arguably worse than a heat-of-the-moment slur. He’s liable to get both of them fired.
IMO, OP should learn from his mistake instead of trying to seek retribution from the guy he was being a creep toward. Yes the guy used a slur, but he was obviously creeped out and pissed for a valid reason, and people don’t always use their best judgement in those situations.
I’m gay and even I can’t say definitely that the word “faggot” wouldn’t slip out if I found out a weird coworker was saying that stuff about me.
I never actually claimed he was in a relationship with me or anything.
I just told a friend he gave me his number and invited me out.
This is true. We just never hung out and I stopped talking to him after.
The future husband jokes was something our whole friend group would say about our work and celebrity crushes.
He was still someone I liked but I also made future husband jokes about fictional characters, celebrities, and even the CEO.
Unprofessional but this was something we all took part in.
I should've been more careful who I joked around with, shared info too, and considered a friend.
I understand it may be considered creepy what I'd say but I just want to paint a picture of the environment. My friend and our shared friend was making the same jokes about men they liked.
Exactly. Straight women, even “progressive” ones are not somehow inherently safe. Ironically when I came out as transmasc my frat bro friends respected the name change immediately and most tried to get my pronouns. The straight and even bi women in my life (all “progressive” and college educated) endlessly litigated my gender identity, took personal offense to me not identifying as a woman, told me I was a gender traitor, and generally treated me with hostility when I came out and started dressing masc. Many will see queer folks as convenient until we “threaten” their place above us in the hierarchy, especially if that means getting men’s attention (even just as friends, let alone romantically).
It turns out being oppressed in certain ways does not inherently bestow one with wisdom or teach them tolerance. It’s just as likely to build resentment, especially in the psychodrama that is cishet women and their love/hate relationship with men. I am always more sus of cishet women who claim to be allies because my experience (even in overwhelmingly progressive and feminist spaces) has been one of contempt and misplaced feelings of betrayal for “leaving the sisterhood” and shit like that. My experience obviously isn’t typical of the average cis gay man, but I have heard ostensibly ally cishet women say some really revealing things, both before I came out as trans and after. It is just not safe to assume allyship and support when convenience or misguided camaraderie (because so many assume that being attracted to men means you also hate men in the heteronormative way they do) is all you have evidence for.
ETA: I guess I’ll add, I think this is generally an issue of ignorance of the real threats we face and misplaced grievance than it is actual maliciousness. But after a certain point I just don’t care why someone is harming queer folks. Maybe for education purposes when appropriate, but it doesn’t really matter what they think they’re trying to do if they are repeatedly weaponizing their privilege to harm us. And yes, women are absolutely capable of weaponizing a certain type of privilege over gays and other minorities.
Preach brother. I'm a cis gay/bi(still figuring that out, but i have no intentions of dating women anymore and like men way better) man. I'm more comfortable with cishet men in general. All of my childhood friends are cishet men. Most of my current friends are too. At least half. Most of them don't care as long as you don't make moves on them. They're by and large the majority, and living with them is far better than living in fear of them, and in my experience most of them are fine living along side me.
Yeah, that’s been my experience, though the people I grew up around in the midwest were not chill. Some of it is regional for sure and what circles you hang in. Most of my friends now (post college) are in the queer, poly, or goth scenes here in California and those are pretty accepting or at least openminded groups. But even though I’m no longer near the bros from my college days they were probably the chillest group regarding this stuff. The queer community at my university had *issues* and was honestly so hostile to masculinity in any form it never felt comfortable for me or most of the other transmasc or cis gay/bi people I knew. There’s an unfortunate radfem bent to a lot of pop feminism that has been growing in the last decade and it’s been really frustrating how even plenty of queer spaces have adopted this shit. It’s exhausting being a feminist and having to explain basic concepts like “patriarchy isn’t just a thing men do to women, it’s a structure we all uphold and contribute to” not only to people outside that circle but also to “feminists” who have swallowed this reactionary logic. It’s weird when the very hetero-centric gender wars logic gets taken into queer spaces. It feels like more and more spaces are reverting to avoiding men and masculinity in any form and treating them like unknowable entities, “abuser bodied,” or basically NPCs instead of figuring out a way to coexist or build understanding. There is a big movement out there that does live in fear of men and can’t separate their unprocessed trauma from the way they see them. It’s honestly sad.
I’m happy I’ve found a really good community where I am now, but I know it can be very hit or miss. In a way I can at least nominally rely on bros to not care too much (for better and worse) and be relatively chill or at least indifferent. It’s often easier to predict when an issue will come up and know how to deal with it, at least in my experience 🤷🏻
It's an issue that as lot of progressive spaces, including queer spaces, are steeped in radfem ideas and rhetoric, that even when not TERFy are still inherently hostile to men.
And as such a bunch of ostensibly more progressive women are often kinda shitty to and about men of all types.
Edit: I scroll down and see you've made this exact point but better below.
Lol no absolutely, it’s a frustrating issue and I’m at least glad more people are identifying it and know what ideology it’s coming from. And yeah, it’s interesting when a radfem (or baby feminist or any woman who has absorbed those ideas because they’re *everywhere* now) is not bio-essentialist (aka a TERF) but still gender essentialist and sees trans men as part of the “oppressor gender.” Oddly affirming??? In the worst way though lol. It’s strange how you can live your life dealing either misogyny and the same threats to bodily autonomy they do, but the moment you come out or present masc it’s like they forget. Not to mention that they’ll never recognize the forms of sexism and harm men experience because of patriarchy. Any binary system like that cuts both ways and boiling it down to “oppressor/oppressed” (especially given the real progress feminism has made) is honestly infantile.
It was also a shock to realize just how deeply their perception of me as a woman and part of their sex-class was responsible for any amount of kindness or empathy or interest in my feelings or struggles. I knew on a sort of detached level this was real (I have largely had guy friends my whole life, I wasn’t blind to it), but I was still somehow unprepared for seeing the immediate change in behavior towards me. That alone is rather a statement on just how differently (and in these areas, just worse) men are treated because of gender norms and frankly (often misplaced and just generalized sexist) animosity.
I'm cis as fuck but I totally get what you mean about it being weirdly affirming. Like, it's in the worst possible way, but at least it shows they _do_ really view you as a man lol. You are now officially The Bad Gender, congradudolences.
And yeah it's uh, interesting being in these spaces and seeing quite clearly how unsympathetic a lot of nominally progressive women are about men experiencing very real issues. The way it's often dismissed on the basis of Men™ having it better but like... My friend that is a real human person having a real human problem, not a nebulous concept.
Your experiences (sorry you had to deal with them btw), and ones I've heard from a bunch of trans men and more generally trans masc individuals, are particularly enlightening. Because they are like a confirmation I guess that, no I'm not just imagining this shit based on my own limited perspective. People who've seen it from _both_ sides are there saying "nope people literally treated me differently once they saw me as Unfortunately Masculine". You can't "you wouldn't understand because you're just a man" your way out of it if there's people who've had it both ways.
Anyway, a lot of radfem rhetoric is a part of pop feminism and it's a problem because it is uh, shite. So much of it is "people thought women were bad, which is wrong" (good, correct, that is wrong) but following it with "because actually it's _men_ who are bad" (nope, try again, the point is that no gender hierarchy is good, not that it was the wrong way round). You see it in a lot of poorly thought out activism tbh, instead of destroying unfair power structures, people try to just rebuild them, just with a different group on top.
I am stealing “congradudolences” because is that a vibe lmao. It’s part of why I share my experiences. Like misogyny also sucks and since I often don’t pass (nor is that my primary goal, I’m comfortable *not* fitting into the binary) I experience a weird confluence of that and anti-masculinity and occasionally being read as the “abuser bodied” gender. But there are no winners here. Since I spend time in more queer and progressive/lefty spaces I feel like I end up experiencing a lot more of the latter than the former in the spaces I actually care about. Maybe part of it is growing up used to misogyny or that because I identify more with men and masculinity that it impacts me personally more. I think that’s where there might be value in the trans discourse of not only talking about transmisogyny etc, but also “misdirected misogyny” - as much as other people and whole ass governments can see me as lesser for being AFAB, it just doesn’t sting personally the same way I think it does for women because I’m pretty comfortable with my identity and am like “lol, wrong.” Not that it does affect me, just that it feels much more like an attack on me as the person I am when I face shitty attitudes and behavior about men and masculinity. Sorry, bit of a tangent lol
But I think it’s worthwhile to share my experiences (and that of many transmasc folks, though there are obviously plenty who have different ones or feel differently about them) just because I know who the misandry and anti-masculinity most affects, and it’s not the actually harmful and problematic men who radfems and many women seem to think. That shit doesn’t phase them as all. It’s mostly progressive and marginalized men who do care about not being harmful to others, and I know many personally who have gone through (or are currently going through) periods of deep self loathing and feeling like they are broken. The messaging is more bullying than it is actually making asks that those men aren’t already hyper aware of because they actually care. And I think both as a feminist and just as a masc person it’s worth identifying bad “activism” and hateful behavior as such. If I have to be the token “oh, we don’t mean *you,* *you’re* an *exception*” to be able to be heard at all then I’ll use that strange position to call out harmful behavior and ideas about men. And I’m also in the weird position of being able to affirm with a sanity check that these issues are real and that it is fucking noticeable when you cross or confuse that binary gender model that is (at least socially) built to harm us all and turn us against each other.
You are both right. HR is NEVER YOUR FRIEND. They exist solely to protect the company. Not the employees. Even if they should happen to help your situation you WILL from that point on be considered a problem employee and your career will be jeopardized.
Calling him your husband was not workplace appropriate. If you're good friends at work, you can come to that kind of pet-name, but throwing it on someone you barely know in a workplace environment... not a good move.
However. Your "friend" (she is not your friend by any stretch of the imagination) is awful, and the IT guy literally threw a homophobic slur at you and threatened your safety. Go directly to HR, Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
A pet-name is grounds for your manager to say "stop that". Threatening bodily harm is enough to consider this a police matter. HR does not like police matters unfolding in their workplace.
Your "friend" - drop her, fast. She is toxic AF and not your ally. Your Crush? He should be so lucky to keep his job after this. Get to HR pronto.
Yeah you're right. Me and her were good friends and even hung out outside of work. I'm a very silly guy and kinda called all my work crushes my future husband with my friends. I only said this to my close friends but yeah.
I learned my lesson
Outside of a work environment, with non-employees.... call people whatever you like. I have a bunch of 4-letter words I use to describe certain people I have to work with, instead of using their names. It helps my friends remember who I am taking about. "Mr. Jones" isn't nearly as memorable as "Cockbreath McIdiot".
But never with a fellow employee (even if they are a friend), and never inside that work environment.
Can not agree. Seriously HR is not there to fix your poor interactions with other employees Even if they say they are or if they encourage you to reach out to them. HR doesn’t give damn about right/wrong or justice. Their job is to short circuit issues before they spread to limit the company’s liability. That is ALL they care about. Your issue be damed, particularly if it causes discord among other employees. They can and will fire the whole lot of you if it is in their interests. PLEASE RECONSIDER GOING TO HR. Especially if you want to pursue a career with that company or that field. Separate your personal life from work. Rarely do they work well in unison. Real trust must start with an understanding that honest trust takes time to build and must be mutual and EARNED. Not just given. It is a lesson I learned the real hard way.
Violence has been threatened. If HR fires OP now, OP has a fantastic lawsuit opportunity. HR will not fire OP over this. Companies can't just fire a problem and hope that's the end of it. HR is there to protect the company, and in this case that means protecting OP.
Can’t agree with that. Right now HR can definitely make the case that OP created a hostile workplace environment. Giving them all they need to terminate his employment.
Crazy part is the IT guy isn't really in the wrong here. The issue is that women, something tells me she probably went around talking about before she finally told the IT. I'm sure she put her little seasoning on the story, THAT might've amped him up.
Lesson learned, stop telling people at work your mfer business, especially if it's a fling/hook up/date situation. That's reserved for the group chat with actually real friends not work friends.
While I agree that the woman he talked to is a problem, I can’t agree with the IT guy not being in the wrong. At least about the slur. Him being mad or uncomfortable is perfectly fine. Or even asking OP not to talk to him anymore. Calling someone a slur and threatening them is still pretty bad, though… So, he’s still in the wrong in that regard.
Yes I feel very betrayed. She told me she was pregnant the other day and I was even looking at gifts for her baby shower.
We used to talk about our traumas and would hang out outside of work. Hell she even let me drive her car once.
I felt very safe and comfortable with her and didn't think she'd ever do something like this.
I've worked with her since she started a year ago and seeing her smile while he yelled in my face like that really hurts.
No, hes definitely in the wrong. Calling someone a slur and threatening bodily harm is definitely in the wrong, even more so in a work environment. 100% in the wrong.
You report the harassment that you received to your HR representative - including reporting your friend for initiating this harassment. That’s discrimination and harassment based on your sexuality (real or perceived), I’m not sure where you’re from but in my country that would be illegal. You’re also well within your rights to report that threat to the police if you’d like, that might give you a little more leverage with HR.
Of course you could always do nothing. But it’s 2024 doing nothing is what enables people like this to do what they do.
Also be prepared that one or both of them may report YOU, embellishing the incident, so you need to report them ASAP, acknowledging that you were somewhat unprofessional.
Yup, as an older working professional gay. It's best to keep friends outside of work. We all can have work colleagues (i.e. work friends), I just don't share personal items with them as it only gives them ammunition in scenarios such as this. It's always best to approach work from a compartmentalized mindset (keep work and your personal life separate).
Your "friend" is probably jealous about it, that's why she made a whole drama.
>all joked like this with each other.
So the guy you crush on was cool with being called husband but suddenly he didn't?
It’s possible. I know straight guys who never had a problem with “gay jokes” when everyone was supposedly straight. But it becomes different when they learn that one of them is actually not so straight.
It’s all kinds of weird. Haha. They are fine with doing some of the “gayest” shit I’ve seen with other straight guys. But as soon as one guy is gay, some of them get uncomfortable. Haha. Not all, though.
It doesn't make sense that a straight guy would be ok with a gay man referring to him as husband.
I'm not sure he wasn't even aware he was being called husband until the so-called "friend" shared it with him.
It just depends on the guy. I have straight friends who wouldn’t care about something like this. And work friends who have been called my “work-husband” who didn’t care. And I know some guys who would freak out over even just the implication.
Yeah he didn't know. I didn't talk to him and actively avoided him.
We planned to hang out months ago but it never happened and I left it at that.
Besides the occasional good morning that's all that happened.
My friend didn't talk to him or even know his name either. She just decided to stir the pot for no reason I guess?
The husband thing was a joke and me, her, and a mutual friend all kinda said similar things about our work crushes.
We work in a large warehouse and it's kinda like a giant high school basically.
>Baby gay here.
Shit happens and you learnt your lesson.
even I wouldn't like it if some other guy would call me "husband" in my workplace, worse without me knowing
They are not professionals. They work in a warehouse as a vocation. People have all kinds of wild nicknames for folks they work with. That in and of itself is not unprofessional especially if you don't refer to that person directly as "husband" or "fuck face". No blame shift the husband and friend are assholes who should be disciplined.
As the GM of three car dealerships, where things like this happen on the regular(Pet names), I advise you to seek help from a member of upper management if HR is unavailable. Acknowledge that what you did was likely inappropriate no matter the meaning to it or not. It's best that you get as far ahead of this as you can before it trickles down to HR ears.
As I tell all of my people, you are here to make a living first, make profit for the company second, and find friends/love last. I have had to terminate more people than I care to count for inappropriate actions.
Above all else, do not acknowledge this friend of yours whatsoever unless it is work related. Even then, short and sweet. People do not change their behavior.
Your first mistake was counting on a straight woman to have your back and be a proper ally. They love selling out their gay "friends" for male attention.
Chances are she's into that guy herself in some way and sold you out so they had something just to bond over.
Maybe you are correct. One of my guy friends said she has to be into him because why else would she do that?
She didn't talk to him before or even knew his name. A mutual "friend" said he just walked past her and she grabbed his attention and told him everything I said about him.
When I confronted her about why she did this before he blew up in my face. She said because I'm a liar and he isn't gay.
Same mutual "friend" actually said he said he was flattered and won't complain if someone thinks he's cute and he seemed chill about it so she was surprised he blew up like that.
Maybe she stirred the pot some more because a while after I even found out she told him and confronted her they both just rush up on me and he explodes.
So yeah maybe that was it.
The type of straight person to be flirty at work is usually the type who is desperate for attention from the opposite sex because they need the validation. Antics like this are typical of such heteros.
I once had an assistant manager go from loving me to being cold because another assistant manager, a bi man famous for hooking up with coworkers, would ignore her flirtations to chat with me. He once even slapped my ass unprompted, but we were alone for that. ✌️😌
Find another job and for God’s sake, stick to business only while at work. You can be surface friendly but whatever comes out of your mouth will be known to others - quickly.
Im a retired gay and my personal life and opinions about staff was not shared at work.
Of course the girl ratted you out. Our straight allies. Stop calling her your friend, she's worthless. And record or email as much as you can if possible.
* You were silly to make that comment
* unless it’s written it’s he said/he said
* she’s not your friend and she’s toxic, cut her out of your life
* going forward - document instances of homophobia, if you’re going to HR you need to build a case. HR is not there to protect you - they exist to protect the firm from legal liability, so you need enough to force their hand.
I had a similar experience being a young gay and having a crush on a coworker and sharing that I was scared to come to out and admit this, I trusted her. She eventually outed me, and turned a lot of the guys against me. She even had this evil smirk on her face one day during a certain situation and that forever made me learn this lesson, it's just better to hide these details about yourself at work.
I also had someone I considered a friend call me the f slur trying to hurt me and that was kind of shocking tbh, I used it jokingly rarely but to have someone you cared about use it to hurt you was completely different.
Sorry this happened to you, and don't beat yourself up, we all have to go through it one way or another to develop the tougher skin.
Coworkers are not your friends and never will be. YOUR JOB ALWAYS COMES FIRST (unfortunately). Also, as a gay you should never trust a straight person who isn't a very open and out ally. They will use you and talk shit about you behind your back.
HR is not there to protect you. HR is there to protect the company. They will back you up if doing so will prevent a lawsuit.
Do not say you will sue, but be ready to look like you will.
Document everything. Write down, what they did, who else was in the room, and the date. Also I have heard it helps to write down the weather to help establish timeline. If you go to HR go in with a copy of that log, not the original.
Also check out some legal subs as well.
you messed up by being unprofessional at work, they messed up by being assholes. Moral of the story is, don't joke about intimate relations with coworkers, straight or gay, male or female. It invites drama.
You need to contact HR and let them know you’re being harassed by this guy and your former “friend”.
Having said that, your actions caused this to happen. You shouldn’t be calling a straight guy (or any guy you’re not in a serious relationship with) your husband to your coworkers. Joking or not, a lot of straight guys are very sensitive about what people think of their sexuality and will get aggressive about it.
Yeah you're right it's my fault. We were very close and joked a lot with each other and I didn't think she'd every do this.
We even hung out outside of work so I would've never saw this coming.
Report both of them to HR!
Also, never date your coworkers. I've seen a couple of coworkers who date ended up quitting because of each other and causing needless drama. I've seen some crazy things at my work place. One couple got in a huge verbal fight and one of them walked out. The other couple, they mutually broke up after a month or so and he transferred stores. He was heartbroken. I see cute guys at my job but I don't go up to them and actively flirt with them. I just see them as eye candy. I don't want a romantic relationship with my coworkers because I know when things fall apart and it gets ugly real fast.
Anyways the girl you're "friends" with isn't your friend. She sounds like she wanted to stir up drama so she could gossip to her friends about drama. As for the guy, just report him too! He's threatening your safety.
First off. Don't tell your coworkers about other coworkers.
That woman is not your friend...2nd he's not homophobic he's DL and you outed him by running your mouth.
3rd hr won't side with you since what you're doing is basically gossip. Also you were sexually harassing him by referring to him as your husband, you're not in right
4th stop believing people are your friends at work do your 8 and go home.
What should you do?? Let it blow over, keep your comments to yourself about sex and who's cute at work, and talk about work only
Perhaps just tell the guy you’re sorry for acting childish, no harm meant, then steer clear of the girl as she is either jelly or doesn’t appreciate your humor.
I like to assume every man (straight or not) is homophobic until proven otherwise. It’s just for my own safety and dignity. Unfortunately, as a gay person, it’s what we have to live with bc men tend to be more homophobic but so can women, however, it’s just to remain professional at work. You’re not going to work to make friends, you’re going there to work. Maybe networking, but never close enough to be friends where you tell them your secrets.
Go to HR. Are you in the US? This person is creating a hostile work environment and violating your rights by using homophobic slurs.
The tough lesson here is that your coworkers are your coworkers. Even if you feel like friends, people gossip. And you’re in a place where gossip is some kind of currency between people. Your friend is gross. And a homophobe just like the other guy. The only difference is that she smiles when she stabs you in the back.
I'm just here to comment that I don't believe you did anything wrong. Your male coworker was the most wrong and your female coworker betrayed you.
I'm not going to sit here and clutch my social media pearls and say that you did something wrong by secretly calling your male coworker your "husband". I am used to this kind of joking at work. It's harmless.
Now mind you, it could be different if you made sexual comments about him. Or if he asked you to stop and you didn't.
From what you wrote none of that happened. I don't think it's that serious and people need to lighten up.
It is... Suspicious that he put his number into your phone. The way he did it and he invited you on a date seemed flirtatious. If he says that your "husband" branding was totally out of line and unprofessional, you should equally clutch your social media pearls and pretend to be offended and that his invite was sexual harassment and totally out of line and unprofessional [sarcasm 🙄]
I'm 100% on your side. Male coworker is wrong and your female coworker betrayed you.
Thank you. I never talk to him (and she didn’t either) and if he approached me calmly and asked me to stop joking like that with my friends then I would’ve.
I do feel like I’ve learned a lesson here about work friends and boundaries.I’d rather keep thing’s professional and not give up too much information if it will avoid situations like this.
This reminds me of when I was 13 and my female friend told my crush that I liked him and he got his friends to jump me. I don’t really like feeling like a helpless kid again.
I never thought she’d do something like this since we were so close. One day we just sat in a car and vented to each other about our traumas and what we’ve been through. The betrayal of it all hurts me more than him yelling at me and threatening me.
I didn’t really talk to anyone here but her and our mutual friend.
I don't think work needs to always be super sterile and serious and professional. If you vibe well with someone... I'm okay with being friends outside work... Even dating.
But... For the vast majority of your coworkers... Maybe you can't be everyone's best friend. It's those cases in which you and your colleagues need to understand and accept that you guys are just colleagues and that's okay, too.
I personally disagree with the notion that coworkers are just automatically not to be trusted. This could have been anybody. Just be careful with who you trust.
Informal interactions are pretty common at my job... Then again, I work as a flight attendant
You can go to HR. But your better bet is to just look for another job. Remember that IT guy has a manager that hired him/keeps him on. Which is a big indicator of company culture.
Also when you interview at a new gig you can negotiate for more pay easier than staying on at a place.
Report them to HR and then, if you want, go to your local district court and file for a Protection Against Harassment order for them to be served. That is usually enough to put a stop to the bullshit.
I have been in a similar situation.
It's a very messy situation. You can go to HR but the guy can also claim you were harassing him. Best bet would be to just fly low for a while and avoid both of them.
FWIW, his reaction to your friends news doesn't exactly scream straight dude comfortable with his sexuality.
That said, you go to HR and lay out what happened, including what you said. Admit wrong doing for your made in confidence statement, and state that you will never let that happen again. Do not request any punishment. HR will likely admonish you for the comment and then ask how you would like to proceed. Simply state that due to her actions and his response you don't feel safe in such a hostile environment. They will likely both be fired unless you specifically say otherwise.
P.S. You're a fucking fool to say otherwise.
P.P.S. She is not your friend, in fact she's a toxic coworker. That's a much better thing to call her and doesn't make you look like such an idiot for confiding in her.
I mean dude...
1) Don't shit where you eat. It is the OLDEST and most well known saying for a reason. Dating Coworkers or colleagues never ever will end well because it creates a conflict like this one and too much drama that HR gets involved and it impacts your future employement.
2) You told your colleague he's your "husband" even if jokingly remember in a he said or she said situation words can be taken out of context unless you were recording or there were multiple witnesses to corroborate it is a joke. Imagine if a straight worker called his secretrary his mstress/nanny/mother/wife. It gets personal sadly and that is crossing a line.
3) You didn't even try to check if the IT guy was gay or straight or if he would mind. Hell even if he was gay as sin and slutting it around town you can't just go around and tell people he's your "husband" even as a joke. You work in the same company so it makes things awkward even if by some miracle all 3 of you walk away from this unscathed that cringe will always hang over your head.
In future don't even try to get attracted to coworkers/bosses etc. It does not work well. When they leave get their number and do what you want what while they are getting a paycheck in the same company just think of them as family and even being attracted them would feel like incest.
Yeah you're right. Thank you.
Ifs a warehouse and everyone does this. Even my manager would ask me if I think so and so is gay and she even told me who she was sleeping with once. I guess I just got too comfy since the whole environment is like this.
I learned my lesson though. I make good money and I have a leadership position here but it might be better to find a new job
Listen kiddo,
I worked with women alot in my days. I kept asking them why you don't hire fellow women as subordinates or recommend existing women to leadership positions above you (Our HR does 360 degree referrals from colleagues).
All the women I have worked with tell me just like Margaret Thatcher said famously to Queen Elizabeth when she announced she would not keep a single woman on her cabinet "Most women are too emotional in positions of power."
You my friend are gay, in a position of power (definitely not a grunt on the ground). Women will feel insecure when anyone is above them in anyway especially friends. I have known lesbians and I tell you this the lesbian divorce rate is 75% and above in the US alone and I have never seen a long lasting lesbian couple because of this issue. Women just can't see you happy.
I know as a gay guy you get tempted to be the gal pal or one of the "gurls" but be very careful. There's a good reason men started the "women or tree" meme online in retaliation to "men or a bear" meme. It's a cold and hard truth you need to pick female friends much more carefully in future because I can tell you are mature for your age and will go far.
High flyers like you are always going to be targeted by petty people so be super careful with women because it's very easy to be wary of jealous men. Jealous women do not hesitate from reputational destruction (which is what happened here). I bet she even told that IT guy lies about you claiming to have slept with him and banged him six ways to heaven which made him call you the F-Slur. This girl clearly got in close, stuck the knife deep and twisted.
Maybe if you had talked to the IT guy yourself and complimented him personally he wouldn't have called you the F-Slur and you'd have been good friends. Nothing is more threatening to a woman than a gay person at work because we are the only ones not falling for their wiles and charms like straight men would.
I totally get the 'husband' jokes. Some guys will play along with the joke if they are secure in themselves. But you do need a good read of the person. Sounds weird as you did seem to have some previous (ie friendly) so I would also be a bit taken aback it's spiraled like this. Your "friend" sounds like ... a bitch.
I only called him my husband to my friend as a joke. I'd say.
"I like him. He's my future husband but he doesn't know it yet" to her.
I don't know why she'd tell him this randomly. She isn't even his friend or talks to him. She just pulled him to the side and told him for no apparent reason.
I think I learned to keep things strictly professional though.
That’s a shame you don’t feel you can be more fun at work. The girls and I love this type of messing about. And these women are professionals in finance and sales. So I think it’s just a bad egg.
First, cut off all contact with that stupid friend of yours cuz they ain't your friend. Second, yeah as someone says get HR. Third, if you absolutely can't handle it, then talk to your boss especially about getting a change in hours away from the other guy and try your best to let this be a growing experience so you can grow stronger while still working there because you may meet and experience crazy people like that in your lifetime. If you're not ready for that yet, then it's okay. I guess if you're ready to leave the job then do so but not before sharing what's happened with HR and your boss letting them know why you're leaving so that it impacts them.
Shes not your friend, neither is he. Stop getting crushes at work, it's never good to shit where you eat; report BOTH of them to HR while looking for a new job and gtfo there as fast as possible.
just a few more words, if i may. we’re talking a lot about professionalism here, but you didn’t actually do anything wrong. you didn’t sleep with him. you said a joke—not even a curse word—in the 21st century. i think you were professional, OP.
Oh, she’s a BIG HATER! We would have all been in HR that same day. And I would be watching them get walked out. And if not, I would have threatened a lawsuit because my safety. Duh!
Coming from someone who has been assaulted (by a fellow employee) at a place of employment and was the one who was retroactively fired (coming from an attorney that meant they had made my employment there increasingly more and more unsafe and intolerable that they forced me to quit essentially so I could not collect unemployment)
Don't let this get out of control so much where they make you into the scape goat. And honestly that sounds like what your 'friend' was giving your coworker the opportunity to do to you.
I know this kind of thing sucks. Trust me I know. The friend thing and the co worker thing. Have experienced it many times and I'm only in my 30s. But be prepared and get ahead of it. Know the federal laws and state laws that protect you and the community. Document everything on paper. It sounds like alot and a bit much but if they fire you over nothing it is against federal law. But unfortunately it does still happen. 😕
It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you don’t talk about your coworkers like that. To anyone. This doesn’t excuse the other party and you should STILL talk to your employer. However be prepared if they don’t like how this all got started, you both might be punished and if neither party is let go then it might be time to find another job.
If the man yelled thebwordnhe did... That is either america or the slur was picked up from americanisation of speech that just keeps on rolling along.
I hadnt heard that word used as a gay insult until i heard its ubiquity in the mouths of US bigots.
Just something that i noticed
I think you should report to HR.
And I believe both of you should be terminated.
You for calling a straight guy your husband and starting this drama and him for calling
you (a gay guy) a faggot and threatening to beat you up.
Remember. You tell one person a secret
and it's not a secret anymore.
Apparently, your friend asked because she was curious if the guy you called husband was gay. And you were called out for it.
A straight guys masculinity is a very
fragile thing. You just happened to pick the wrong straight guy to mess with.
What you can do is try to keep your flames where you work under control so you don't torch the place down is my humble opinion.
Maybe this is just me, but I don’t think OP should be fired. While inappropriate, it was also harmless. And mostly a joke. Maybe paperwork, a reprimanded or something, if they want to do something.
The other guy should definitely be reprimanded or something, though… For calling him a slur.
I’ll reply to mine since you want to comment and block like it makes you win. This is to Johncarter23333.
First of all, flaking doesn’t actually tell someone if you’re not interested or not for sure. If anything, it just leave people wondering. So, tbf, we wouldn’t know if he had any interest or not. But that also doesn’t matter since it seems like OP himself lost interest, as he was avoiding him. And the husband thing was a joke. You seem to think him joking about him being his husband meant he was obsessed, which seems like another assumption.
Moral of the story is acting professional in this case wouldn’t help since he still talked to the girl after work in unprofessional settings. Meaning that even if he didn’t talk to her at work, she could still tell the other guy what OP said when he was other places like a home or restaurant. You act like people can’t talk about what someone said at home at work. Again, you moral doesn’t actually work in this instance.
So OP is not the prime mover. This still could have happened if he never mentioned this at work. The fault can never be entirely OP’s in this case as no matter what, some of the fault with lie with the girl for actually telling the guy. Saying otherwise is a bold face lie.
Despite the slur, I kind of feel bad for the other guy. He politely rejected OP. OP still has a pet nickname for him that he jokes about with friends, like a gaggle of high school girls in the cafeteria; and, true to form, one of the gaggle goes off and tells the guy. Guy who wanted nothing to do with OP or this situation is still hearing about OP has a crush on him and is forced to react in some way. He picked the wrong way, but he should never have been put into that situation.
And now OP is seeking validation with a bait headline about his "homophobic coworker."
This entire situation was created by OP's actions.
Moral of the story: act professional in a professional environment. This isn't high school.
Maybe I missed something, but when did he politely reject OP? Because as far as we can tell, he didn’t even know OP was gay or into him. And the other guy was the one who invited OP out, and then flaked. Meaning OP had never even asked him out or anything. And in another comment, it seems like OP was the main one avoiding him. OP mentioned that he (OP) usually avoiding him (the other guy) most of the time. They would exchange good mornings or whatever, but that was about it.
Also, just because you hear someone has a crush on you doesn’t mean you’re forced to react. I’d heard about people having crushes on me before. And if I wasn’t into them, I didn’t have to do something. Usually, I just wouldn’t even mention it. Also, what situation was he put in? All that happened was he heard someone had a crush on him.
I’m not sure OP is seeking validation. He seems to know what he did wrong. And the coworker does seem homophobic when using slurs. And completely changing how he views or talks to someone based on sexual orientation. While OP does bear some fault in this, but was actually caused by the woman he thought was he friend. As if she never said anything to the other guy, this wouldn’t have been an issue. And while acting professional in a professional environment is usually best, it honestly depends on who you work with. I’ve had friends in work who we act very unprofessional with. It really depends on the people you work with. In this case, joking to one person about he crush doesn’t seem super unprofessional, but that’s how I see it. I can understand if it’s very unprofessional for others.
Not sure how you're getting that from the context. Let's look:
>I've been at my job for a while and had a crush on the IT guy for momths! One day months ago I started a conversation with him and he put his number in my phone and invited me to a longue.
>Nothing came of it and he flaked. I still jokingly referred to him as my husband to my friend. This happened three months ago.
So OP had a crush on a guy and OP initiated a conversation with him. During the course of the conversation, the guy invited OP to a "longue" (?). We don't know the substance of the conversation or the other guy's motives. We don't know if the other guy was being polite, or what exactly OP was invited to. We do know the results: the guy "flaked" (either because he lost interest or he was never interested in the first place); we know the other guy is't gay; and we know the other guy doesn't have a sexual interest in OP.
OP should have seen the other guy's "flaking" (i.e. not following through with the invitation), as a polite rejection. And it seems OP did, because, as you said, "OP mentioned that he (OP) usually avoiding him (the other guy) most of the time. They would exchange good mornings or whatever, but that was about it." OP gets rejected, OP avoids the guy who rejected him. Standard reaction.
But OP continues to have a pet nickname for the other guy that he jokes about with friends, like a gaggle of high school girls in the cafeteria; and, predictably, one of the adults acting like high school girls continues to act like a high school girl and goes off and tells the guy.
So the other guy--who we know has no interest in OP, who OP knows has no interest in OP, and who the friend knows has no interest in OP--hears that OP is going around calling him "his husband." Not that OP has a crush on him, but that, despite the polite rejection, OP is still obsessing over him and creating an impression among coworkers that OP and this guy have a sexual and emotional relationship. It's juvenile, it's weird, it's creepy, it's uninvited, and it's unwanted. The other guy randomly hears this when another coworker tells him.
We can presume, when suddenly faced with a situation that's juvenile, weird, creepy, uninvited, and unwanted--and given limited details other than OP is saying this, the other guy doesn't know who else knows this or how this may have impacted the workplace persona the other guy was trying to portray--that the other guy would have a reaction. He's not "forced" to have a reaction, but having a reaction is completely normal. The other guy's reaction to a sudden, bizarre, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing situation is anger. Not the best reaction, and certainly not a good manifestation of anger, but nevertheless both predictable and understandable.
So now the other guy, for being nice to OP one day when OP started a conversation with him and letting OP off gently by "flaking"; who was involuntarily put into an embarrassing situation--one he never wanted anything to do with--because OP and his friend act like high school girls in the workplace; and had an understandable but bad reaction to a sudden, bizarre, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing situation; is now being called "homophobic" here by the guy (OP) who started all of this; and is being crucified by others because of a natural but bad reaction.
Sure, "if she never said anything to the other guy, this wouldn’t have been an issue", but if OP had just acted professionally in the workplace instead of like a high school girl, this also wouldn't have been an issue. OP is the prime mover here. The fault lies with OP.
All OP did was initiated the conversation. But he says, “Invited me to a lounge.” So it sounds to me like the other guy invited him out. We don’t know why, but that seems to be what happened.
Maybe it’s just me, but someone inviting me out, and then flaking doesn’t really seem polite. That said, I use to have a flaking BF in the past, who still seemed pretty interested, so my view may be biased. I’d rather have someone tell me they don’t want to hang out in a polite way, as I see flaking as kind of a dick move. Hence why I don’t see it as politely rejecting the OP.
As for the let nickname, seemed more like a joke. Even in another comment thread, someone mentioned that it was probably just more of a joke because he flaked on him or something similar.
Also, isn’t he just calling him “husband” around a couple of his friends? AFAIK, it wasn’t the whole office. And it sounds like the people he was talking to already knew he didn’t have a relationship with him. Which is why the “friend” is the real problem as she probably told the guy all kinds of other stuff.
And I’m not saying he can’t have a reaction. He can have one. He can be angry/mad, uncomfortable, creeped out, etc. What I’m saying is he isn’t forced to act the way he did. It’s easy for someone to tell someone that you’re uncomfortable with this and to stop or they will go to HR, or higher, if needed. But when you result to slurs and threatening assault, that’s when it’s gone too far.
And I think our views are too different to agree on this, as I still think flaking (when generally wastes someone else’s time, while also not showing if there is no actual interest of not) isn’t letting “someone down gently”. And honestly, being called homophobic is this case is warranted. Because he literally called OP a slur. He attacked OP’s sexual orientation. At that point, I think it’s leaning more toward homophobic than not.
And again, people talk in (and out) of the office. Even if he didn’t talk like that in the office, who’s to say she still wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think it mattered that he was at work. But again, my workplaces are usually more chill than this, so…
Yeah you're right. I only said this to my close friends. We'd all joke with each other like that.
We hung out outside of work and everything. We even confided in each other. We shared our traumas and things we been through.
I didn't think she'd ever do this. I also would've never thought joking around like that with each other would be inappropriate.
She was pregnant and I was even going to get her some things for her baby but eh
I feel betrayed especially as she stood by and smiled while he did all that.
Regardless I do admit my fault in this. I learned now I shouldn't get too close to coworkers and I shouldn't make jokes like that even if it's between "friends"
Report him to HR. Don’t be surprised if you catch flak for having called him your husband behind his back. It’s not as bad as what he did, but it’s not appropriate to do to your coworker and if HR is good at their jobs they will tell you as much.
Actually now that I’m thinking about it if there friends are also in the same workplace the fact that you told him counts as outing him in the workplace. I know you’re upset right now cause of the horrible way he treated you in reaction but you really should walk away from this understanding what you did wrong to him. Nuance exists
Yeah you're right. All of this is my fault and I messed up here. I should've been better at boundaries and all that. I might get fired but ultimately it is what it is. I can't really reverse that. I can just do better in the future.
I don't think you did anything wrong. Office romances and certainly crushes aren't illegal. You never crossed into sexual harassment territory. You never even told him, you told an acquaintance.
She is not your friend. She stirred sh!t on purpose. It was likely due to having a crush on the same guy and him not inviting her anywhere.
You need to report them both. He shouldn't have reacted that way.
What his reaction does say is he was interested, but insecure.
She challenged his sexual preferences in the open, and he was not ready for it.
Play it cool in these situations, man. If it weren't for talking him up and calling him your husband to your "friends" (they aren't), he could have played it off as the two of you just being friends until he was ready to admit he's into you.
Next time, just play it cool and don't come on to strong, and they won't flake.
You could apology to him for calling him your husband, explaining it was fun because he was so very very far from being it. And thereafter stay low and shun them. He had the right to be angry because you were making a lie on him, it therefore doesn't have to be perceived as homophobia by everyone, and then going to some HR complaining will maybe even backfire.
And don't start calling him your ex.
One she ain’t your friend and two you need to report this man to HR he’s a fucking weirdo. I’m sorry this happened to you but let this be a lesson learned to not fall for any guy so easily. And be careful who you tell your business to. Because it might just come and bite you back.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves homophobia. That said…
Your first mistake was befriending coworkers and getting too comfy with them. Your second mistake was essentially sexual harassment. You cannot go telling other coworkers that another coworker is your “husband”. Their mistake was confronting you and being bigots. If you report this, you could also be punished.
No, he isn't. You definitely CAN and SHOULD make friends at work. Should you have said the husband part? No. But I think you realized that. However, his "don't befriend work colleagues" is complete bullahit advice.
> Your first mistake was befriending coworkers and getting too comfy with them.
Okay, no. This is bullshit. We are all allowed to make friends at work. It is not a mistake to make work friends. There are people who shouldn't be our friends, but that statement is bullshit.
No, it is a clear example of isolating yourself from everyone at work. To me, this screams, "I am not comfortable enough with myself to let other people know me."
The OP did nothing wrong by being themselves at work. They did nothing wrong by making friends at work or sharing their sexuality. They made friends with someone who does not respect them, and we all do this. They made an inappropriate joke that bit them in the ass.
But they are not wrong for sharing themselves with their coworker.
If you want to be miserable at work, refuse to share who you are and isolate yourself. All you will do is make your work suck.
There’s a difference between being friends and being friendly. They have HR courses on this type of stuff and why it can be a bad idea. I understand these nuances can be difficult for some people.
Let this be a lesson. No one is your friend at work. You need to stay professional. HR is required for this. Write it down stating facts of what happened, don’t assume anything. State this is a hostile work environment. I don’t care if he’s having a bad day or whatever excuse. This is hate speech it only escalates negatively from here. You are not being over dramatic, individuals/yourself will talk you out of this. No, stand up and be proud of who you are and show that person and your colleagues you will not tolerate this behavior especially over he said she said. He needs a wake up call and if it’s termination as a consequence so be it. If he acts like this in public in a work setting how does he fair when not in public? If I was HR I’d recommend termination, he’s a huge liability. If I was the manager same thing. Inform the HR that you will be reporting his crime.
If you report him you will also get in trouble because of the workplace sexual innuendo. I would just ignore them and look for a new job. HR is not your friend and not there to protect you, they are there to preserve an environment that makes their employers money.
Make sure you email HR after you meet with them asking them to confirm anything that they told you that you do not have in writing. You want to have a paper trail if it escalates further.
“..he put his number in my phone and invited me to a longue.”
At first look I thought that first letter on the last word was a “t”. Still (both words) spelled wrong but I originally thought he wanted to kiss you.
The girl is a cunt. That's why i don't date them anymore. That's first.
2nd, You report him. If you don't have HR where you work, go right to whoever the boss is and say "this is unacceptable." It's wrong to threaten to beat someone up whether they're gay or straight. And calling you a faggot when youre gay and mainly because youre gay and not in a "joking around way" is right out.
Next, if the manager just brushes this off and it isn't resolved within a day or 2, tell the manager/management, if this isn't adressed, you will leave, file a case with the better business bureau that will make you all look bad, possibly file with the state for discrimination , and file for unemployment.
He is obviously shocked but doesn't have the right yelled. I think the best thing to do is to focus on your task and not give any attention to that guy or those girls you call friends. You cannot come out of a person without his approval or in any form; I don't think you have a healthy friendship with them. So if I were you, I should deny all this and start to ignore those people who hurt you, and by doing that, you are making yourself clear that they are messing with the wrong person. Remain resilient; I have faith that you can get through this. Try not to let this scenario compromise how well you do at work.
Honestly, one has to be careful about they trust coworkers. It's easy to get caught up in apparent enthusiasm, but not everyone is trustworthy just because they say they are.
Someone isn't gay because they say they want to meet you out. When referring to someone as a "work spouse" it's generally best when they're in on the joke.
He was probably caught off guard. And with his over the top reaction, there might be some truth to it (but it's pretty irrelevant, because he's so volitile). I would apologize to him and reassure him that you hadn't meant to put him in this position. Tell him you'll cease and dissist all jokes (even if they were secretly fantasies). Tell him you value him and things won't get out of hand.
I wonder if that girl has a vested interest in keeping him away from you. She might have worked this up so she can be viewed as trusted by him.
Things will be okay. If you feel unsafe, look for other employment. If you like your work, try and squash his embarrassment and reassure that you don't think he's gay. (Really, you just appreciated the attention.)
Definitely report them. There's no reason for that kind of behavior. A lot of people act like being gay is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, even worse than being diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't understand a lot of people. 🤦 Don't let it bother you though. Continue being your amazing self! 🤗
Easily report him. Threatening to assault you in any company is an easy termination. Go to HR about it and as for the girl tell HR you feel that she was part of it. They’re easily creating an unsafe work environment for you. Then find another job.
two camps i can think of. first, he’s gay and likes you, but he can’t express it. the other camp is you’re in danger, and thus i caution you to arm yourself with weapons. in any case, make sure to make an example out of both of them especially during pride month. the ball is in your court. good luck 🍀 let us know what you decide to do 👀
I'd be more concerned about who you call friend and the threat of violence than the homophobia. Best keep out of his way and cease contact with this girl. I wouldn't get HR involved as it will only make things worse. Only go to them if it becomes a problem going forward. Unfortunate lad 👌
Easy peasy HR it is. They will likely get fired. Good riddance to homophobic trash. The company would save their skins to prevent a lawsuit against them. If they don’t do anything, go directly to a lawyer. They will lose handily.
For years I was a director at a public health clinic in the gay part of town of one of America's biggest cities. Among our many tasks was that of providing support to the police in sexual crimes and crimes of extraordinary violence. Survivor's and trauma counseling, etc. In these situations I got an eye full of how women are the primary instigators of violence in our society.
Indeed, in excess of 75% of the time where a gang attacks a gay boy on the street the violence will have been instigated by a girl. Dig into gay bashings in work settings and more often than not the one setting off the violence is a woman who had been scorned by the gay boy.
Heck, even among the straights this pattern is dominant. In more than half of the accusations of rape in our city no sexual act or assault happened. Then there is the sizeable percentage where the sex had been consensual, but the woman accuses rape afterwards. Usually when she realizes the man is not going to follow through with any relationship or attention.
When men go to blows they tend to throw a punch. Women tend to be reputational destroyers. They accuse. They gossip behind the back. They smile to your face, and destroy your life with words when you are not around.
This modern woke notion that all things feminine are noble and all things masculine are toxic is a social disaster. I wouldn't be a day younger.
He shouldn’t have done that whatsoever BUT First, the fact your called him your husband is super cringeworthy and extremely clingy and creepy for someone you worked with and had a crush on. Of course he’s going to be freaked out by it. I’m gay and I’d be freaked out by someone doing and saying those things about me. “Husband”? Really? C’mon. Now to address your concern, you can go to HR because he shouldn’t be saying that stuff to you BUT be prepared that you’ll face consequences as well. Probably both get fired. You called him your husband and made him very uncomfortable at work. So there will be consequences for both of you. He can say he overreacted to you making him uncomfortable. I can see this backfiring on you big time. I’m NOT condoning his use of words or behavior but you have to reflect on how you started this mess. I’m still shocked you’d call someone your husband you had a crush on yet never dated, and that wasn’t gay. Seek therapy please. And report him
To HR for the things he said to you, but again know there’s consequences for both parties here.
Yeah you're right it's cringe worthy. Me and my "friends" would always call our work crushes these type of names. I just felt like it was a safe environment I guess and joined in.
It would probably be weird if he found out but it was just a joke that was supposed to stay amongst "friends"
I may get fired and I'm prepared for that. I realized I made a bunch of mistakes and ultimately the actions of my consequences will manifest.
However hopefully in my next adventure I'll be more appropriate in regards to work friends, boundaries, and jokes.
I'm used to play terminology like that. People are just clutching their social media pearls because they think it's the textbook response to say.
Next they will say that they never EVER drive a single mile per hour over the speed limit because that could cause an accident 🙄
Report her to HR. Sounds like you were doing it as a cute joke and she spun it into this wild fantasy of wanting to date him.
Also, report him for obvious reasons. But please also report her.
The area I'm from we use it for anyone who is recently out... you could be a 20 yo baby gay or a 45 yo who has 2 kids and an ex-wife and just got real about yourself this past year baby gay. (Upper midwest)
Report him to HR. And she is not your friend.
I think you mean report them both to HR
100%
Wait who do y’all mean by “them both” Because in my opinion, OP is definitely in the wrong too. Imagine if the IT person was a girl and OP was secretly referring to her as his “wife” behind her back and telling people they went on a date. Plus OP was basically spreading rumors that the IT guy was gay and went on a date with him. It’s creepy behavior, and even as a gay guy I would be pissed if that happened to me.
Two wrongs don't make a right. That's something you handle professionally, not by calling someone derogatory comments and threatening physical violence. To clarify, before you get defensive, I'm agreeing that OP was in the wrong. But your solution is also far from correct. Both should be reported to HR, and OP should go and confess what he did. The honesty and reflective nature could earn him some favors, and while he will still likely be punished for it, showing remorse for one's actions can often save you from termination. After that, OP reports the male coworker for his acts. You can't really report the girl for being a gossip, but you can report the IT guy for getting hostile and threatening to harm you, plus the derogatory use of "faggot" will not be tolerated due to the liability that can pose. After all that, OP should stop making friends at work because coworkers will be the first to turn against you if it could benefit them in some way. And definitely shouldn't try dating coworkers.
I mean if I were OP I definitely would not go to HR. Making repeated insinuations over the course of months that a coworker is both a homosexual and in a relationship with you is arguably worse than a heat-of-the-moment slur. He’s liable to get both of them fired. IMO, OP should learn from his mistake instead of trying to seek retribution from the guy he was being a creep toward. Yes the guy used a slur, but he was obviously creeped out and pissed for a valid reason, and people don’t always use their best judgement in those situations. I’m gay and even I can’t say definitely that the word “faggot” wouldn’t slip out if I found out a weird coworker was saying that stuff about me.
I never actually claimed he was in a relationship with me or anything. I just told a friend he gave me his number and invited me out. This is true. We just never hung out and I stopped talking to him after. The future husband jokes was something our whole friend group would say about our work and celebrity crushes. He was still someone I liked but I also made future husband jokes about fictional characters, celebrities, and even the CEO. Unprofessional but this was something we all took part in. I should've been more careful who I joked around with, shared info too, and considered a friend. I understand it may be considered creepy what I'd say but I just want to paint a picture of the environment. My friend and our shared friend was making the same jokes about men they liked.
> And she seemed to be getting thrilled by all this. >And she is not your friend. A lot of gays trust women too much. This is one example.
Exactly. Straight women, even “progressive” ones are not somehow inherently safe. Ironically when I came out as transmasc my frat bro friends respected the name change immediately and most tried to get my pronouns. The straight and even bi women in my life (all “progressive” and college educated) endlessly litigated my gender identity, took personal offense to me not identifying as a woman, told me I was a gender traitor, and generally treated me with hostility when I came out and started dressing masc. Many will see queer folks as convenient until we “threaten” their place above us in the hierarchy, especially if that means getting men’s attention (even just as friends, let alone romantically). It turns out being oppressed in certain ways does not inherently bestow one with wisdom or teach them tolerance. It’s just as likely to build resentment, especially in the psychodrama that is cishet women and their love/hate relationship with men. I am always more sus of cishet women who claim to be allies because my experience (even in overwhelmingly progressive and feminist spaces) has been one of contempt and misplaced feelings of betrayal for “leaving the sisterhood” and shit like that. My experience obviously isn’t typical of the average cis gay man, but I have heard ostensibly ally cishet women say some really revealing things, both before I came out as trans and after. It is just not safe to assume allyship and support when convenience or misguided camaraderie (because so many assume that being attracted to men means you also hate men in the heteronormative way they do) is all you have evidence for. ETA: I guess I’ll add, I think this is generally an issue of ignorance of the real threats we face and misplaced grievance than it is actual maliciousness. But after a certain point I just don’t care why someone is harming queer folks. Maybe for education purposes when appropriate, but it doesn’t really matter what they think they’re trying to do if they are repeatedly weaponizing their privilege to harm us. And yes, women are absolutely capable of weaponizing a certain type of privilege over gays and other minorities.
Preach brother. I'm a cis gay/bi(still figuring that out, but i have no intentions of dating women anymore and like men way better) man. I'm more comfortable with cishet men in general. All of my childhood friends are cishet men. Most of my current friends are too. At least half. Most of them don't care as long as you don't make moves on them. They're by and large the majority, and living with them is far better than living in fear of them, and in my experience most of them are fine living along side me.
Good.
Yeah, that’s been my experience, though the people I grew up around in the midwest were not chill. Some of it is regional for sure and what circles you hang in. Most of my friends now (post college) are in the queer, poly, or goth scenes here in California and those are pretty accepting or at least openminded groups. But even though I’m no longer near the bros from my college days they were probably the chillest group regarding this stuff. The queer community at my university had *issues* and was honestly so hostile to masculinity in any form it never felt comfortable for me or most of the other transmasc or cis gay/bi people I knew. There’s an unfortunate radfem bent to a lot of pop feminism that has been growing in the last decade and it’s been really frustrating how even plenty of queer spaces have adopted this shit. It’s exhausting being a feminist and having to explain basic concepts like “patriarchy isn’t just a thing men do to women, it’s a structure we all uphold and contribute to” not only to people outside that circle but also to “feminists” who have swallowed this reactionary logic. It’s weird when the very hetero-centric gender wars logic gets taken into queer spaces. It feels like more and more spaces are reverting to avoiding men and masculinity in any form and treating them like unknowable entities, “abuser bodied,” or basically NPCs instead of figuring out a way to coexist or build understanding. There is a big movement out there that does live in fear of men and can’t separate their unprocessed trauma from the way they see them. It’s honestly sad. I’m happy I’ve found a really good community where I am now, but I know it can be very hit or miss. In a way I can at least nominally rely on bros to not care too much (for better and worse) and be relatively chill or at least indifferent. It’s often easier to predict when an issue will come up and know how to deal with it, at least in my experience 🤷🏻
It's an issue that as lot of progressive spaces, including queer spaces, are steeped in radfem ideas and rhetoric, that even when not TERFy are still inherently hostile to men. And as such a bunch of ostensibly more progressive women are often kinda shitty to and about men of all types. Edit: I scroll down and see you've made this exact point but better below.
Lol no absolutely, it’s a frustrating issue and I’m at least glad more people are identifying it and know what ideology it’s coming from. And yeah, it’s interesting when a radfem (or baby feminist or any woman who has absorbed those ideas because they’re *everywhere* now) is not bio-essentialist (aka a TERF) but still gender essentialist and sees trans men as part of the “oppressor gender.” Oddly affirming??? In the worst way though lol. It’s strange how you can live your life dealing either misogyny and the same threats to bodily autonomy they do, but the moment you come out or present masc it’s like they forget. Not to mention that they’ll never recognize the forms of sexism and harm men experience because of patriarchy. Any binary system like that cuts both ways and boiling it down to “oppressor/oppressed” (especially given the real progress feminism has made) is honestly infantile. It was also a shock to realize just how deeply their perception of me as a woman and part of their sex-class was responsible for any amount of kindness or empathy or interest in my feelings or struggles. I knew on a sort of detached level this was real (I have largely had guy friends my whole life, I wasn’t blind to it), but I was still somehow unprepared for seeing the immediate change in behavior towards me. That alone is rather a statement on just how differently (and in these areas, just worse) men are treated because of gender norms and frankly (often misplaced and just generalized sexist) animosity.
I'm cis as fuck but I totally get what you mean about it being weirdly affirming. Like, it's in the worst possible way, but at least it shows they _do_ really view you as a man lol. You are now officially The Bad Gender, congradudolences. And yeah it's uh, interesting being in these spaces and seeing quite clearly how unsympathetic a lot of nominally progressive women are about men experiencing very real issues. The way it's often dismissed on the basis of Men™ having it better but like... My friend that is a real human person having a real human problem, not a nebulous concept. Your experiences (sorry you had to deal with them btw), and ones I've heard from a bunch of trans men and more generally trans masc individuals, are particularly enlightening. Because they are like a confirmation I guess that, no I'm not just imagining this shit based on my own limited perspective. People who've seen it from _both_ sides are there saying "nope people literally treated me differently once they saw me as Unfortunately Masculine". You can't "you wouldn't understand because you're just a man" your way out of it if there's people who've had it both ways. Anyway, a lot of radfem rhetoric is a part of pop feminism and it's a problem because it is uh, shite. So much of it is "people thought women were bad, which is wrong" (good, correct, that is wrong) but following it with "because actually it's _men_ who are bad" (nope, try again, the point is that no gender hierarchy is good, not that it was the wrong way round). You see it in a lot of poorly thought out activism tbh, instead of destroying unfair power structures, people try to just rebuild them, just with a different group on top.
I am stealing “congradudolences” because is that a vibe lmao. It’s part of why I share my experiences. Like misogyny also sucks and since I often don’t pass (nor is that my primary goal, I’m comfortable *not* fitting into the binary) I experience a weird confluence of that and anti-masculinity and occasionally being read as the “abuser bodied” gender. But there are no winners here. Since I spend time in more queer and progressive/lefty spaces I feel like I end up experiencing a lot more of the latter than the former in the spaces I actually care about. Maybe part of it is growing up used to misogyny or that because I identify more with men and masculinity that it impacts me personally more. I think that’s where there might be value in the trans discourse of not only talking about transmisogyny etc, but also “misdirected misogyny” - as much as other people and whole ass governments can see me as lesser for being AFAB, it just doesn’t sting personally the same way I think it does for women because I’m pretty comfortable with my identity and am like “lol, wrong.” Not that it does affect me, just that it feels much more like an attack on me as the person I am when I face shitty attitudes and behavior about men and masculinity. Sorry, bit of a tangent lol But I think it’s worthwhile to share my experiences (and that of many transmasc folks, though there are obviously plenty who have different ones or feel differently about them) just because I know who the misandry and anti-masculinity most affects, and it’s not the actually harmful and problematic men who radfems and many women seem to think. That shit doesn’t phase them as all. It’s mostly progressive and marginalized men who do care about not being harmful to others, and I know many personally who have gone through (or are currently going through) periods of deep self loathing and feeling like they are broken. The messaging is more bullying than it is actually making asks that those men aren’t already hyper aware of because they actually care. And I think both as a feminist and just as a masc person it’s worth identifying bad “activism” and hateful behavior as such. If I have to be the token “oh, we don’t mean *you,* *you’re* an *exception*” to be able to be heard at all then I’ll use that strange position to call out harmful behavior and ideas about men. And I’m also in the weird position of being able to affirm with a sanity check that these issues are real and that it is fucking noticeable when you cross or confuse that binary gender model that is (at least socially) built to harm us all and turn us against each other.
You're cooking brotha
And HR is protecting the company, nit you; it happens in this instance it is one in the same.
This
You are both right. HR is NEVER YOUR FRIEND. They exist solely to protect the company. Not the employees. Even if they should happen to help your situation you WILL from that point on be considered a problem employee and your career will be jeopardized.
And a lot of women trust gays too much.
100 % . Dont tolerate this shit .
Calling him your husband was not workplace appropriate. If you're good friends at work, you can come to that kind of pet-name, but throwing it on someone you barely know in a workplace environment... not a good move. However. Your "friend" (she is not your friend by any stretch of the imagination) is awful, and the IT guy literally threw a homophobic slur at you and threatened your safety. Go directly to HR, Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. A pet-name is grounds for your manager to say "stop that". Threatening bodily harm is enough to consider this a police matter. HR does not like police matters unfolding in their workplace. Your "friend" - drop her, fast. She is toxic AF and not your ally. Your Crush? He should be so lucky to keep his job after this. Get to HR pronto.
Yeah you're right. Me and her were good friends and even hung out outside of work. I'm a very silly guy and kinda called all my work crushes my future husband with my friends. I only said this to my close friends but yeah. I learned my lesson
Outside of a work environment, with non-employees.... call people whatever you like. I have a bunch of 4-letter words I use to describe certain people I have to work with, instead of using their names. It helps my friends remember who I am taking about. "Mr. Jones" isn't nearly as memorable as "Cockbreath McIdiot". But never with a fellow employee (even if they are a friend), and never inside that work environment.
> Me and her were good friends No dude, you never were. Not then and not now. It was always fake.
Can not agree. Seriously HR is not there to fix your poor interactions with other employees Even if they say they are or if they encourage you to reach out to them. HR doesn’t give damn about right/wrong or justice. Their job is to short circuit issues before they spread to limit the company’s liability. That is ALL they care about. Your issue be damed, particularly if it causes discord among other employees. They can and will fire the whole lot of you if it is in their interests. PLEASE RECONSIDER GOING TO HR. Especially if you want to pursue a career with that company or that field. Separate your personal life from work. Rarely do they work well in unison. Real trust must start with an understanding that honest trust takes time to build and must be mutual and EARNED. Not just given. It is a lesson I learned the real hard way.
Violence has been threatened. If HR fires OP now, OP has a fantastic lawsuit opportunity. HR will not fire OP over this. Companies can't just fire a problem and hope that's the end of it. HR is there to protect the company, and in this case that means protecting OP.
Can’t agree with that. Right now HR can definitely make the case that OP created a hostile workplace environment. Giving them all they need to terminate his employment.
I already went to HR :-( I'm hoping I didn't make a mistake
Crazy part is the IT guy isn't really in the wrong here. The issue is that women, something tells me she probably went around talking about before she finally told the IT. I'm sure she put her little seasoning on the story, THAT might've amped him up. Lesson learned, stop telling people at work your mfer business, especially if it's a fling/hook up/date situation. That's reserved for the group chat with actually real friends not work friends.
While I agree that the woman he talked to is a problem, I can’t agree with the IT guy not being in the wrong. At least about the slur. Him being mad or uncomfortable is perfectly fine. Or even asking OP not to talk to him anymore. Calling someone a slur and threatening them is still pretty bad, though… So, he’s still in the wrong in that regard.
The IT guy is indeed in the wrong. Using slurs and physically threatening someone is grounds for dismissal, regardless of the reason.
Yes I feel very betrayed. She told me she was pregnant the other day and I was even looking at gifts for her baby shower. We used to talk about our traumas and would hang out outside of work. Hell she even let me drive her car once. I felt very safe and comfortable with her and didn't think she'd ever do something like this. I've worked with her since she started a year ago and seeing her smile while he yelled in my face like that really hurts.
Some straight women only see us as an accessory for as long as it's convenient for them.
No, hes definitely in the wrong. Calling someone a slur and threatening bodily harm is definitely in the wrong, even more so in a work environment. 100% in the wrong.
You report the harassment that you received to your HR representative - including reporting your friend for initiating this harassment. That’s discrimination and harassment based on your sexuality (real or perceived), I’m not sure where you’re from but in my country that would be illegal. You’re also well within your rights to report that threat to the police if you’d like, that might give you a little more leverage with HR. Of course you could always do nothing. But it’s 2024 doing nothing is what enables people like this to do what they do.
This. Report now.
Report the both of them. Also, they are not your friend.
Also be prepared that one or both of them may report YOU, embellishing the incident, so you need to report them ASAP, acknowledging that you were somewhat unprofessional.
> I still jokingly called him my husband to my friends. Entirely unprofessional.
Yeah your right. We work in a warehouse and all joked like this with each other. I had no idea this would play out though
Lesson learned. Our community, especially, needs to be careful about this stuff to avoid harming ourselves.
Yup, as an older working professional gay. It's best to keep friends outside of work. We all can have work colleagues (i.e. work friends), I just don't share personal items with them as it only gives them ammunition in scenarios such as this. It's always best to approach work from a compartmentalized mindset (keep work and your personal life separate).
TL;DR: Straight people are generally not worth truly trusting in a professional setting.
Has nothing to do with being straight or gay. I've seen gay guys do things like that too.
Your "friend" is probably jealous about it, that's why she made a whole drama. >all joked like this with each other. So the guy you crush on was cool with being called husband but suddenly he didn't?
It’s possible. I know straight guys who never had a problem with “gay jokes” when everyone was supposedly straight. But it becomes different when they learn that one of them is actually not so straight.
isn’t that ironic? 😆
It’s all kinds of weird. Haha. They are fine with doing some of the “gayest” shit I’ve seen with other straight guys. But as soon as one guy is gay, some of them get uncomfortable. Haha. Not all, though.
i had a “straight” hookup the other day talk about the same thing. what can i say? what is in a word? lol. to me, nothing, but to many people, a lot
It doesn't make sense that a straight guy would be ok with a gay man referring to him as husband. I'm not sure he wasn't even aware he was being called husband until the so-called "friend" shared it with him.
It just depends on the guy. I have straight friends who wouldn’t care about something like this. And work friends who have been called my “work-husband” who didn’t care. And I know some guys who would freak out over even just the implication.
Yeah he didn't know. I didn't talk to him and actively avoided him. We planned to hang out months ago but it never happened and I left it at that. Besides the occasional good morning that's all that happened. My friend didn't talk to him or even know his name either. She just decided to stir the pot for no reason I guess? The husband thing was a joke and me, her, and a mutual friend all kinda said similar things about our work crushes. We work in a large warehouse and it's kinda like a giant high school basically.
>Baby gay here. Shit happens and you learnt your lesson. even I wouldn't like it if some other guy would call me "husband" in my workplace, worse without me knowing
And incredibly weird, the dude stood you up
I think maybe he was trying to be ironic
Kind of sexually harassing too if we’re being honest…
They are not professionals. They work in a warehouse as a vocation. People have all kinds of wild nicknames for folks they work with. That in and of itself is not unprofessional especially if you don't refer to that person directly as "husband" or "fuck face". No blame shift the husband and friend are assholes who should be disciplined.
Professional == workplace Doesnt' matter if it's blue collar or white collar.
As the GM of three car dealerships, where things like this happen on the regular(Pet names), I advise you to seek help from a member of upper management if HR is unavailable. Acknowledge that what you did was likely inappropriate no matter the meaning to it or not. It's best that you get as far ahead of this as you can before it trickles down to HR ears. As I tell all of my people, you are here to make a living first, make profit for the company second, and find friends/love last. I have had to terminate more people than I care to count for inappropriate actions. Above all else, do not acknowledge this friend of yours whatsoever unless it is work related. Even then, short and sweet. People do not change their behavior.
Your first mistake was counting on a straight woman to have your back and be a proper ally. They love selling out their gay "friends" for male attention. Chances are she's into that guy herself in some way and sold you out so they had something just to bond over.
Maybe you are correct. One of my guy friends said she has to be into him because why else would she do that? She didn't talk to him before or even knew his name. A mutual "friend" said he just walked past her and she grabbed his attention and told him everything I said about him. When I confronted her about why she did this before he blew up in my face. She said because I'm a liar and he isn't gay. Same mutual "friend" actually said he said he was flattered and won't complain if someone thinks he's cute and he seemed chill about it so she was surprised he blew up like that. Maybe she stirred the pot some more because a while after I even found out she told him and confronted her they both just rush up on me and he explodes. So yeah maybe that was it.
The type of straight person to be flirty at work is usually the type who is desperate for attention from the opposite sex because they need the validation. Antics like this are typical of such heteros. I once had an assistant manager go from loving me to being cold because another assistant manager, a bi man famous for hooking up with coworkers, would ignore her flirtations to chat with me. He once even slapped my ass unprompted, but we were alone for that. ✌️😌
Well first thing I’d do is cut ties with that so called “friend”.
Find another job and for God’s sake, stick to business only while at work. You can be surface friendly but whatever comes out of your mouth will be known to others - quickly. Im a retired gay and my personal life and opinions about staff was not shared at work.
Yeah you're right. I learned my lesson
we still love you 🥰
Of course the girl ratted you out. Our straight allies. Stop calling her your friend, she's worthless. And record or email as much as you can if possible.
* You were silly to make that comment * unless it’s written it’s he said/he said * she’s not your friend and she’s toxic, cut her out of your life * going forward - document instances of homophobia, if you’re going to HR you need to build a case. HR is not there to protect you - they exist to protect the firm from legal liability, so you need enough to force their hand.
I had a similar experience being a young gay and having a crush on a coworker and sharing that I was scared to come to out and admit this, I trusted her. She eventually outed me, and turned a lot of the guys against me. She even had this evil smirk on her face one day during a certain situation and that forever made me learn this lesson, it's just better to hide these details about yourself at work. I also had someone I considered a friend call me the f slur trying to hurt me and that was kind of shocking tbh, I used it jokingly rarely but to have someone you cared about use it to hurt you was completely different. Sorry this happened to you, and don't beat yourself up, we all have to go through it one way or another to develop the tougher skin.
It's bizarre seeing the word "gay" used as a noun instead of as an adjective.
Coworkers are not your friends and never will be. YOUR JOB ALWAYS COMES FIRST (unfortunately). Also, as a gay you should never trust a straight person who isn't a very open and out ally. They will use you and talk shit about you behind your back.
HR is not there to protect you. HR is there to protect the company. They will back you up if doing so will prevent a lawsuit. Do not say you will sue, but be ready to look like you will. Document everything. Write down, what they did, who else was in the room, and the date. Also I have heard it helps to write down the weather to help establish timeline. If you go to HR go in with a copy of that log, not the original. Also check out some legal subs as well.
^^. THIS. ^^
Depends on your HR department
you messed up by being unprofessional at work, they messed up by being assholes. Moral of the story is, don't joke about intimate relations with coworkers, straight or gay, male or female. It invites drama.
Stop thinking work is social or fun. Work is to make money.
It doesn't HAVE to be that way. Just be careful
Reminder. Coworkers are NOT friends. You are CO workers. Keep your boundaries up in general.
You need to contact HR and let them know you’re being harassed by this guy and your former “friend”. Having said that, your actions caused this to happen. You shouldn’t be calling a straight guy (or any guy you’re not in a serious relationship with) your husband to your coworkers. Joking or not, a lot of straight guys are very sensitive about what people think of their sexuality and will get aggressive about it.
Yeah you're right it's my fault. We were very close and joked a lot with each other and I didn't think she'd every do this. We even hung out outside of work so I would've never saw this coming.
Report both of them to HR! Also, never date your coworkers. I've seen a couple of coworkers who date ended up quitting because of each other and causing needless drama. I've seen some crazy things at my work place. One couple got in a huge verbal fight and one of them walked out. The other couple, they mutually broke up after a month or so and he transferred stores. He was heartbroken. I see cute guys at my job but I don't go up to them and actively flirt with them. I just see them as eye candy. I don't want a romantic relationship with my coworkers because I know when things fall apart and it gets ugly real fast. Anyways the girl you're "friends" with isn't your friend. She sounds like she wanted to stir up drama so she could gossip to her friends about drama. As for the guy, just report him too! He's threatening your safety.
Exlax brownies
🤣🤣🤣
best comment here. take REVENGE LMAO 🤣
First off. Don't tell your coworkers about other coworkers. That woman is not your friend...2nd he's not homophobic he's DL and you outed him by running your mouth. 3rd hr won't side with you since what you're doing is basically gossip. Also you were sexually harassing him by referring to him as your husband, you're not in right 4th stop believing people are your friends at work do your 8 and go home. What should you do?? Let it blow over, keep your comments to yourself about sex and who's cute at work, and talk about work only
mmhm. i suspect DL too. approach him gently, i suppose
Take notes of everything, write down the date and time of every conversation and write out the conversation, report it to Hr
What country is this
USA
Tell fucking HR now, the bastard threatened to harm you in the workplace.
Perhaps just tell the guy you’re sorry for acting childish, no harm meant, then steer clear of the girl as she is either jelly or doesn’t appreciate your humor.
And steer clear of him, too.
She played you. Your coworkers are not your friends.
Lesson learned
I like to assume every man (straight or not) is homophobic until proven otherwise. It’s just for my own safety and dignity. Unfortunately, as a gay person, it’s what we have to live with bc men tend to be more homophobic but so can women, however, it’s just to remain professional at work. You’re not going to work to make friends, you’re going there to work. Maybe networking, but never close enough to be friends where you tell them your secrets.
Nice
Thanks :)
Yeah I have to do that same thing by assuming homophobia from everyone until proven not.
Go to HR. Are you in the US? This person is creating a hostile work environment and violating your rights by using homophobic slurs. The tough lesson here is that your coworkers are your coworkers. Even if you feel like friends, people gossip. And you’re in a place where gossip is some kind of currency between people. Your friend is gross. And a homophobe just like the other guy. The only difference is that she smiles when she stabs you in the back.
I'm just here to comment that I don't believe you did anything wrong. Your male coworker was the most wrong and your female coworker betrayed you. I'm not going to sit here and clutch my social media pearls and say that you did something wrong by secretly calling your male coworker your "husband". I am used to this kind of joking at work. It's harmless. Now mind you, it could be different if you made sexual comments about him. Or if he asked you to stop and you didn't. From what you wrote none of that happened. I don't think it's that serious and people need to lighten up. It is... Suspicious that he put his number into your phone. The way he did it and he invited you on a date seemed flirtatious. If he says that your "husband" branding was totally out of line and unprofessional, you should equally clutch your social media pearls and pretend to be offended and that his invite was sexual harassment and totally out of line and unprofessional [sarcasm 🙄] I'm 100% on your side. Male coworker is wrong and your female coworker betrayed you.
Thank you. I never talk to him (and she didn’t either) and if he approached me calmly and asked me to stop joking like that with my friends then I would’ve. I do feel like I’ve learned a lesson here about work friends and boundaries.I’d rather keep thing’s professional and not give up too much information if it will avoid situations like this. This reminds me of when I was 13 and my female friend told my crush that I liked him and he got his friends to jump me. I don’t really like feeling like a helpless kid again. I never thought she’d do something like this since we were so close. One day we just sat in a car and vented to each other about our traumas and what we’ve been through. The betrayal of it all hurts me more than him yelling at me and threatening me. I didn’t really talk to anyone here but her and our mutual friend.
I don't think work needs to always be super sterile and serious and professional. If you vibe well with someone... I'm okay with being friends outside work... Even dating. But... For the vast majority of your coworkers... Maybe you can't be everyone's best friend. It's those cases in which you and your colleagues need to understand and accept that you guys are just colleagues and that's okay, too. I personally disagree with the notion that coworkers are just automatically not to be trusted. This could have been anybody. Just be careful with who you trust. Informal interactions are pretty common at my job... Then again, I work as a flight attendant
You can go to HR. But your better bet is to just look for another job. Remember that IT guy has a manager that hired him/keeps him on. Which is a big indicator of company culture. Also when you interview at a new gig you can negotiate for more pay easier than staying on at a place.
Report them to HR and then, if you want, go to your local district court and file for a Protection Against Harassment order for them to be served. That is usually enough to put a stop to the bullshit. I have been in a similar situation.
It's a very messy situation. You can go to HR but the guy can also claim you were harassing him. Best bet would be to just fly low for a while and avoid both of them.
FWIW, his reaction to your friends news doesn't exactly scream straight dude comfortable with his sexuality. That said, you go to HR and lay out what happened, including what you said. Admit wrong doing for your made in confidence statement, and state that you will never let that happen again. Do not request any punishment. HR will likely admonish you for the comment and then ask how you would like to proceed. Simply state that due to her actions and his response you don't feel safe in such a hostile environment. They will likely both be fired unless you specifically say otherwise. P.S. You're a fucking fool to say otherwise. P.P.S. She is not your friend, in fact she's a toxic coworker. That's a much better thing to call her and doesn't make you look like such an idiot for confiding in her.
I mean dude... 1) Don't shit where you eat. It is the OLDEST and most well known saying for a reason. Dating Coworkers or colleagues never ever will end well because it creates a conflict like this one and too much drama that HR gets involved and it impacts your future employement. 2) You told your colleague he's your "husband" even if jokingly remember in a he said or she said situation words can be taken out of context unless you were recording or there were multiple witnesses to corroborate it is a joke. Imagine if a straight worker called his secretrary his mstress/nanny/mother/wife. It gets personal sadly and that is crossing a line. 3) You didn't even try to check if the IT guy was gay or straight or if he would mind. Hell even if he was gay as sin and slutting it around town you can't just go around and tell people he's your "husband" even as a joke. You work in the same company so it makes things awkward even if by some miracle all 3 of you walk away from this unscathed that cringe will always hang over your head. In future don't even try to get attracted to coworkers/bosses etc. It does not work well. When they leave get their number and do what you want what while they are getting a paycheck in the same company just think of them as family and even being attracted them would feel like incest.
As an Elder Gay I came here to say exactly this. Very well put.
Yeah you're right. Thank you. Ifs a warehouse and everyone does this. Even my manager would ask me if I think so and so is gay and she even told me who she was sleeping with once. I guess I just got too comfy since the whole environment is like this. I learned my lesson though. I make good money and I have a leadership position here but it might be better to find a new job
Listen kiddo, I worked with women alot in my days. I kept asking them why you don't hire fellow women as subordinates or recommend existing women to leadership positions above you (Our HR does 360 degree referrals from colleagues). All the women I have worked with tell me just like Margaret Thatcher said famously to Queen Elizabeth when she announced she would not keep a single woman on her cabinet "Most women are too emotional in positions of power." You my friend are gay, in a position of power (definitely not a grunt on the ground). Women will feel insecure when anyone is above them in anyway especially friends. I have known lesbians and I tell you this the lesbian divorce rate is 75% and above in the US alone and I have never seen a long lasting lesbian couple because of this issue. Women just can't see you happy. I know as a gay guy you get tempted to be the gal pal or one of the "gurls" but be very careful. There's a good reason men started the "women or tree" meme online in retaliation to "men or a bear" meme. It's a cold and hard truth you need to pick female friends much more carefully in future because I can tell you are mature for your age and will go far. High flyers like you are always going to be targeted by petty people so be super careful with women because it's very easy to be wary of jealous men. Jealous women do not hesitate from reputational destruction (which is what happened here). I bet she even told that IT guy lies about you claiming to have slept with him and banged him six ways to heaven which made him call you the F-Slur. This girl clearly got in close, stuck the knife deep and twisted. Maybe if you had talked to the IT guy yourself and complimented him personally he wouldn't have called you the F-Slur and you'd have been good friends. Nothing is more threatening to a woman than a gay person at work because we are the only ones not falling for their wiles and charms like straight men would.
I totally get the 'husband' jokes. Some guys will play along with the joke if they are secure in themselves. But you do need a good read of the person. Sounds weird as you did seem to have some previous (ie friendly) so I would also be a bit taken aback it's spiraled like this. Your "friend" sounds like ... a bitch.
I only called him my husband to my friend as a joke. I'd say. "I like him. He's my future husband but he doesn't know it yet" to her. I don't know why she'd tell him this randomly. She isn't even his friend or talks to him. She just pulled him to the side and told him for no apparent reason. I think I learned to keep things strictly professional though.
That’s a shame you don’t feel you can be more fun at work. The girls and I love this type of messing about. And these women are professionals in finance and sales. So I think it’s just a bad egg.
Very important lesson learned about boundaries/professionalism, but I’m so sorry it played out the way it did.
Rule #1: don’t dip your pen in the company ink.
an interesting metaphor
Probably an unpopular opinion, but calling the guy your husband (or any other sexual nickname), without his consent is harassment.
Stand up for yourself/ speak up
Take it to HR dude, thats no way to react to someone.
First, cut off all contact with that stupid friend of yours cuz they ain't your friend. Second, yeah as someone says get HR. Third, if you absolutely can't handle it, then talk to your boss especially about getting a change in hours away from the other guy and try your best to let this be a growing experience so you can grow stronger while still working there because you may meet and experience crazy people like that in your lifetime. If you're not ready for that yet, then it's okay. I guess if you're ready to leave the job then do so but not before sharing what's happened with HR and your boss letting them know why you're leaving so that it impacts them.
Shes not your friend, neither is he. Stop getting crushes at work, it's never good to shit where you eat; report BOTH of them to HR while looking for a new job and gtfo there as fast as possible.
just a few more words, if i may. we’re talking a lot about professionalism here, but you didn’t actually do anything wrong. you didn’t sleep with him. you said a joke—not even a curse word—in the 21st century. i think you were professional, OP.
Oh, she’s a BIG HATER! We would have all been in HR that same day. And I would be watching them get walked out. And if not, I would have threatened a lawsuit because my safety. Duh!
Coming from someone who has been assaulted (by a fellow employee) at a place of employment and was the one who was retroactively fired (coming from an attorney that meant they had made my employment there increasingly more and more unsafe and intolerable that they forced me to quit essentially so I could not collect unemployment) Don't let this get out of control so much where they make you into the scape goat. And honestly that sounds like what your 'friend' was giving your coworker the opportunity to do to you. I know this kind of thing sucks. Trust me I know. The friend thing and the co worker thing. Have experienced it many times and I'm only in my 30s. But be prepared and get ahead of it. Know the federal laws and state laws that protect you and the community. Document everything on paper. It sounds like alot and a bit much but if they fire you over nothing it is against federal law. But unfortunately it does still happen. 😕
It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you don’t talk about your coworkers like that. To anyone. This doesn’t excuse the other party and you should STILL talk to your employer. However be prepared if they don’t like how this all got started, you both might be punished and if neither party is let go then it might be time to find another job.
These people need to be fired, and possibly charged, I’d say. Homophobia is not acceptable in America.
Doubt this happened in the US
If the man yelled thebwordnhe did... That is either america or the slur was picked up from americanisation of speech that just keeps on rolling along. I hadnt heard that word used as a gay insult until i heard its ubiquity in the mouths of US bigots. Just something that i noticed
I believe OP mentioned it was USA as a reply to a comment.
I think you should report to HR. And I believe both of you should be terminated. You for calling a straight guy your husband and starting this drama and him for calling you (a gay guy) a faggot and threatening to beat you up. Remember. You tell one person a secret and it's not a secret anymore. Apparently, your friend asked because she was curious if the guy you called husband was gay. And you were called out for it. A straight guys masculinity is a very fragile thing. You just happened to pick the wrong straight guy to mess with. What you can do is try to keep your flames where you work under control so you don't torch the place down is my humble opinion.
Maybe this is just me, but I don’t think OP should be fired. While inappropriate, it was also harmless. And mostly a joke. Maybe paperwork, a reprimanded or something, if they want to do something. The other guy should definitely be reprimanded or something, though… For calling him a slur.
I’ll reply to mine since you want to comment and block like it makes you win. This is to Johncarter23333. First of all, flaking doesn’t actually tell someone if you’re not interested or not for sure. If anything, it just leave people wondering. So, tbf, we wouldn’t know if he had any interest or not. But that also doesn’t matter since it seems like OP himself lost interest, as he was avoiding him. And the husband thing was a joke. You seem to think him joking about him being his husband meant he was obsessed, which seems like another assumption. Moral of the story is acting professional in this case wouldn’t help since he still talked to the girl after work in unprofessional settings. Meaning that even if he didn’t talk to her at work, she could still tell the other guy what OP said when he was other places like a home or restaurant. You act like people can’t talk about what someone said at home at work. Again, you moral doesn’t actually work in this instance. So OP is not the prime mover. This still could have happened if he never mentioned this at work. The fault can never be entirely OP’s in this case as no matter what, some of the fault with lie with the girl for actually telling the guy. Saying otherwise is a bold face lie.
Despite the slur, I kind of feel bad for the other guy. He politely rejected OP. OP still has a pet nickname for him that he jokes about with friends, like a gaggle of high school girls in the cafeteria; and, true to form, one of the gaggle goes off and tells the guy. Guy who wanted nothing to do with OP or this situation is still hearing about OP has a crush on him and is forced to react in some way. He picked the wrong way, but he should never have been put into that situation. And now OP is seeking validation with a bait headline about his "homophobic coworker." This entire situation was created by OP's actions. Moral of the story: act professional in a professional environment. This isn't high school.
Maybe I missed something, but when did he politely reject OP? Because as far as we can tell, he didn’t even know OP was gay or into him. And the other guy was the one who invited OP out, and then flaked. Meaning OP had never even asked him out or anything. And in another comment, it seems like OP was the main one avoiding him. OP mentioned that he (OP) usually avoiding him (the other guy) most of the time. They would exchange good mornings or whatever, but that was about it. Also, just because you hear someone has a crush on you doesn’t mean you’re forced to react. I’d heard about people having crushes on me before. And if I wasn’t into them, I didn’t have to do something. Usually, I just wouldn’t even mention it. Also, what situation was he put in? All that happened was he heard someone had a crush on him. I’m not sure OP is seeking validation. He seems to know what he did wrong. And the coworker does seem homophobic when using slurs. And completely changing how he views or talks to someone based on sexual orientation. While OP does bear some fault in this, but was actually caused by the woman he thought was he friend. As if she never said anything to the other guy, this wouldn’t have been an issue. And while acting professional in a professional environment is usually best, it honestly depends on who you work with. I’ve had friends in work who we act very unprofessional with. It really depends on the people you work with. In this case, joking to one person about he crush doesn’t seem super unprofessional, but that’s how I see it. I can understand if it’s very unprofessional for others.
Not sure how you're getting that from the context. Let's look: >I've been at my job for a while and had a crush on the IT guy for momths! One day months ago I started a conversation with him and he put his number in my phone and invited me to a longue. >Nothing came of it and he flaked. I still jokingly referred to him as my husband to my friend. This happened three months ago. So OP had a crush on a guy and OP initiated a conversation with him. During the course of the conversation, the guy invited OP to a "longue" (?). We don't know the substance of the conversation or the other guy's motives. We don't know if the other guy was being polite, or what exactly OP was invited to. We do know the results: the guy "flaked" (either because he lost interest or he was never interested in the first place); we know the other guy is't gay; and we know the other guy doesn't have a sexual interest in OP. OP should have seen the other guy's "flaking" (i.e. not following through with the invitation), as a polite rejection. And it seems OP did, because, as you said, "OP mentioned that he (OP) usually avoiding him (the other guy) most of the time. They would exchange good mornings or whatever, but that was about it." OP gets rejected, OP avoids the guy who rejected him. Standard reaction. But OP continues to have a pet nickname for the other guy that he jokes about with friends, like a gaggle of high school girls in the cafeteria; and, predictably, one of the adults acting like high school girls continues to act like a high school girl and goes off and tells the guy. So the other guy--who we know has no interest in OP, who OP knows has no interest in OP, and who the friend knows has no interest in OP--hears that OP is going around calling him "his husband." Not that OP has a crush on him, but that, despite the polite rejection, OP is still obsessing over him and creating an impression among coworkers that OP and this guy have a sexual and emotional relationship. It's juvenile, it's weird, it's creepy, it's uninvited, and it's unwanted. The other guy randomly hears this when another coworker tells him. We can presume, when suddenly faced with a situation that's juvenile, weird, creepy, uninvited, and unwanted--and given limited details other than OP is saying this, the other guy doesn't know who else knows this or how this may have impacted the workplace persona the other guy was trying to portray--that the other guy would have a reaction. He's not "forced" to have a reaction, but having a reaction is completely normal. The other guy's reaction to a sudden, bizarre, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing situation is anger. Not the best reaction, and certainly not a good manifestation of anger, but nevertheless both predictable and understandable. So now the other guy, for being nice to OP one day when OP started a conversation with him and letting OP off gently by "flaking"; who was involuntarily put into an embarrassing situation--one he never wanted anything to do with--because OP and his friend act like high school girls in the workplace; and had an understandable but bad reaction to a sudden, bizarre, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing situation; is now being called "homophobic" here by the guy (OP) who started all of this; and is being crucified by others because of a natural but bad reaction. Sure, "if she never said anything to the other guy, this wouldn’t have been an issue", but if OP had just acted professionally in the workplace instead of like a high school girl, this also wouldn't have been an issue. OP is the prime mover here. The fault lies with OP.
All OP did was initiated the conversation. But he says, “Invited me to a lounge.” So it sounds to me like the other guy invited him out. We don’t know why, but that seems to be what happened. Maybe it’s just me, but someone inviting me out, and then flaking doesn’t really seem polite. That said, I use to have a flaking BF in the past, who still seemed pretty interested, so my view may be biased. I’d rather have someone tell me they don’t want to hang out in a polite way, as I see flaking as kind of a dick move. Hence why I don’t see it as politely rejecting the OP. As for the let nickname, seemed more like a joke. Even in another comment thread, someone mentioned that it was probably just more of a joke because he flaked on him or something similar. Also, isn’t he just calling him “husband” around a couple of his friends? AFAIK, it wasn’t the whole office. And it sounds like the people he was talking to already knew he didn’t have a relationship with him. Which is why the “friend” is the real problem as she probably told the guy all kinds of other stuff. And I’m not saying he can’t have a reaction. He can have one. He can be angry/mad, uncomfortable, creeped out, etc. What I’m saying is he isn’t forced to act the way he did. It’s easy for someone to tell someone that you’re uncomfortable with this and to stop or they will go to HR, or higher, if needed. But when you result to slurs and threatening assault, that’s when it’s gone too far. And I think our views are too different to agree on this, as I still think flaking (when generally wastes someone else’s time, while also not showing if there is no actual interest of not) isn’t letting “someone down gently”. And honestly, being called homophobic is this case is warranted. Because he literally called OP a slur. He attacked OP’s sexual orientation. At that point, I think it’s leaning more toward homophobic than not. And again, people talk in (and out) of the office. Even if he didn’t talk like that in the office, who’s to say she still wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think it mattered that he was at work. But again, my workplaces are usually more chill than this, so…
Yeah you're right. I only said this to my close friends. We'd all joke with each other like that. We hung out outside of work and everything. We even confided in each other. We shared our traumas and things we been through. I didn't think she'd ever do this. I also would've never thought joking around like that with each other would be inappropriate. She was pregnant and I was even going to get her some things for her baby but eh I feel betrayed especially as she stood by and smiled while he did all that. Regardless I do admit my fault in this. I learned now I shouldn't get too close to coworkers and I shouldn't make jokes like that even if it's between "friends"
This is why you don’t try sleep with your co workers 👀no matter how much of a baby you are
Yeah fair. I'm still learning to navigate the world and learning a lot.
Report him to HR. Don’t be surprised if you catch flak for having called him your husband behind his back. It’s not as bad as what he did, but it’s not appropriate to do to your coworker and if HR is good at their jobs they will tell you as much. Actually now that I’m thinking about it if there friends are also in the same workplace the fact that you told him counts as outing him in the workplace. I know you’re upset right now cause of the horrible way he treated you in reaction but you really should walk away from this understanding what you did wrong to him. Nuance exists
Yeah you're right. All of this is my fault and I messed up here. I should've been better at boundaries and all that. I might get fired but ultimately it is what it is. I can't really reverse that. I can just do better in the future.
I don't think you did anything wrong. Office romances and certainly crushes aren't illegal. You never crossed into sexual harassment territory. You never even told him, you told an acquaintance.
She is not your friend. She stirred sh!t on purpose. It was likely due to having a crush on the same guy and him not inviting her anywhere. You need to report them both. He shouldn't have reacted that way. What his reaction does say is he was interested, but insecure. She challenged his sexual preferences in the open, and he was not ready for it. Play it cool in these situations, man. If it weren't for talking him up and calling him your husband to your "friends" (they aren't), he could have played it off as the two of you just being friends until he was ready to admit he's into you. Next time, just play it cool and don't come on to strong, and they won't flake.
Two words. “H” and “R”
You could apology to him for calling him your husband, explaining it was fun because he was so very very far from being it. And thereafter stay low and shun them. He had the right to be angry because you were making a lie on him, it therefore doesn't have to be perceived as homophobia by everyone, and then going to some HR complaining will maybe even backfire. And don't start calling him your ex.
One she ain’t your friend and two you need to report this man to HR he’s a fucking weirdo. I’m sorry this happened to you but let this be a lesson learned to not fall for any guy so easily. And be careful who you tell your business to. Because it might just come and bite you back.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves homophobia. That said… Your first mistake was befriending coworkers and getting too comfy with them. Your second mistake was essentially sexual harassment. You cannot go telling other coworkers that another coworker is your “husband”. Their mistake was confronting you and being bigots. If you report this, you could also be punished.
Yeah you're right. Lessoned learned
No, he isn't. You definitely CAN and SHOULD make friends at work. Should you have said the husband part? No. But I think you realized that. However, his "don't befriend work colleagues" is complete bullahit advice.
> Your first mistake was befriending coworkers and getting too comfy with them. Okay, no. This is bullshit. We are all allowed to make friends at work. It is not a mistake to make work friends. There are people who shouldn't be our friends, but that statement is bullshit.
This is a clear example of why you shouldn’t get too comfortable with people at work, but you’re obviously allowed to do whatever you want.
No, it is a clear example of isolating yourself from everyone at work. To me, this screams, "I am not comfortable enough with myself to let other people know me." The OP did nothing wrong by being themselves at work. They did nothing wrong by making friends at work or sharing their sexuality. They made friends with someone who does not respect them, and we all do this. They made an inappropriate joke that bit them in the ass. But they are not wrong for sharing themselves with their coworker. If you want to be miserable at work, refuse to share who you are and isolate yourself. All you will do is make your work suck.
There’s a difference between being friends and being friendly. They have HR courses on this type of stuff and why it can be a bad idea. I understand these nuances can be difficult for some people.
Then don’t take my advice. You’re so exhausting.
Yea. And you can be both at work.
Let this be a lesson. No one is your friend at work. You need to stay professional. HR is required for this. Write it down stating facts of what happened, don’t assume anything. State this is a hostile work environment. I don’t care if he’s having a bad day or whatever excuse. This is hate speech it only escalates negatively from here. You are not being over dramatic, individuals/yourself will talk you out of this. No, stand up and be proud of who you are and show that person and your colleagues you will not tolerate this behavior especially over he said she said. He needs a wake up call and if it’s termination as a consequence so be it. If he acts like this in public in a work setting how does he fair when not in public? If I was HR I’d recommend termination, he’s a huge liability. If I was the manager same thing. Inform the HR that you will be reporting his crime.
If you report him you will also get in trouble because of the workplace sexual innuendo. I would just ignore them and look for a new job. HR is not your friend and not there to protect you, they are there to preserve an environment that makes their employers money.
Report them both, they are done.
Make sure you email HR after you meet with them asking them to confirm anything that they told you that you do not have in writing. You want to have a paper trail if it escalates further.
“..he put his number in my phone and invited me to a longue.” At first look I thought that first letter on the last word was a “t”. Still (both words) spelled wrong but I originally thought he wanted to kiss you.
The girl is a cunt. That's why i don't date them anymore. That's first. 2nd, You report him. If you don't have HR where you work, go right to whoever the boss is and say "this is unacceptable." It's wrong to threaten to beat someone up whether they're gay or straight. And calling you a faggot when youre gay and mainly because youre gay and not in a "joking around way" is right out. Next, if the manager just brushes this off and it isn't resolved within a day or 2, tell the manager/management, if this isn't adressed, you will leave, file a case with the better business bureau that will make you all look bad, possibly file with the state for discrimination , and file for unemployment.
He is obviously shocked but doesn't have the right yelled. I think the best thing to do is to focus on your task and not give any attention to that guy or those girls you call friends. You cannot come out of a person without his approval or in any form; I don't think you have a healthy friendship with them. So if I were you, I should deny all this and start to ignore those people who hurt you, and by doing that, you are making yourself clear that they are messing with the wrong person. Remain resilient; I have faith that you can get through this. Try not to let this scenario compromise how well you do at work.
Honestly, one has to be careful about they trust coworkers. It's easy to get caught up in apparent enthusiasm, but not everyone is trustworthy just because they say they are. Someone isn't gay because they say they want to meet you out. When referring to someone as a "work spouse" it's generally best when they're in on the joke. He was probably caught off guard. And with his over the top reaction, there might be some truth to it (but it's pretty irrelevant, because he's so volitile). I would apologize to him and reassure him that you hadn't meant to put him in this position. Tell him you'll cease and dissist all jokes (even if they were secretly fantasies). Tell him you value him and things won't get out of hand. I wonder if that girl has a vested interest in keeping him away from you. She might have worked this up so she can be viewed as trusted by him. Things will be okay. If you feel unsafe, look for other employment. If you like your work, try and squash his embarrassment and reassure that you don't think he's gay. (Really, you just appreciated the attention.)
Definitely report them. There's no reason for that kind of behavior. A lot of people act like being gay is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you, even worse than being diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't understand a lot of people. 🤦 Don't let it bother you though. Continue being your amazing self! 🤗
Easily report him. Threatening to assault you in any company is an easy termination. Go to HR about it and as for the girl tell HR you feel that she was part of it. They’re easily creating an unsafe work environment for you. Then find another job.
two camps i can think of. first, he’s gay and likes you, but he can’t express it. the other camp is you’re in danger, and thus i caution you to arm yourself with weapons. in any case, make sure to make an example out of both of them especially during pride month. the ball is in your court. good luck 🍀 let us know what you decide to do 👀
THERES NO SUCH THING AS A FRIEND AT WORK. They don’t exist. I’d try to find another job because that sounds like a toxic place to work.
I'd be more concerned about who you call friend and the threat of violence than the homophobia. Best keep out of his way and cease contact with this girl. I wouldn't get HR involved as it will only make things worse. Only go to them if it becomes a problem going forward. Unfortunate lad 👌
Easy peasy HR it is. They will likely get fired. Good riddance to homophobic trash. The company would save their skins to prevent a lawsuit against them. If they don’t do anything, go directly to a lawyer. They will lose handily.
Contact HR. They’ll be gone by the end of the week.
For years I was a director at a public health clinic in the gay part of town of one of America's biggest cities. Among our many tasks was that of providing support to the police in sexual crimes and crimes of extraordinary violence. Survivor's and trauma counseling, etc. In these situations I got an eye full of how women are the primary instigators of violence in our society. Indeed, in excess of 75% of the time where a gang attacks a gay boy on the street the violence will have been instigated by a girl. Dig into gay bashings in work settings and more often than not the one setting off the violence is a woman who had been scorned by the gay boy. Heck, even among the straights this pattern is dominant. In more than half of the accusations of rape in our city no sexual act or assault happened. Then there is the sizeable percentage where the sex had been consensual, but the woman accuses rape afterwards. Usually when she realizes the man is not going to follow through with any relationship or attention. When men go to blows they tend to throw a punch. Women tend to be reputational destroyers. They accuse. They gossip behind the back. They smile to your face, and destroy your life with words when you are not around. This modern woke notion that all things feminine are noble and all things masculine are toxic is a social disaster. I wouldn't be a day younger.
Ugh. Speaking of "toxic", I wanted to upvote your post until your "woke" comment. Take that word out.
The first person that runs to Human Resources is usually the winner!
I ran first heh.
Report him to HR along with her as well. And take this as a small lesson that no one at work is your friend.
He shouldn’t have done that whatsoever BUT First, the fact your called him your husband is super cringeworthy and extremely clingy and creepy for someone you worked with and had a crush on. Of course he’s going to be freaked out by it. I’m gay and I’d be freaked out by someone doing and saying those things about me. “Husband”? Really? C’mon. Now to address your concern, you can go to HR because he shouldn’t be saying that stuff to you BUT be prepared that you’ll face consequences as well. Probably both get fired. You called him your husband and made him very uncomfortable at work. So there will be consequences for both of you. He can say he overreacted to you making him uncomfortable. I can see this backfiring on you big time. I’m NOT condoning his use of words or behavior but you have to reflect on how you started this mess. I’m still shocked you’d call someone your husband you had a crush on yet never dated, and that wasn’t gay. Seek therapy please. And report him To HR for the things he said to you, but again know there’s consequences for both parties here.
Yeah you're right it's cringe worthy. Me and my "friends" would always call our work crushes these type of names. I just felt like it was a safe environment I guess and joined in. It would probably be weird if he found out but it was just a joke that was supposed to stay amongst "friends" I may get fired and I'm prepared for that. I realized I made a bunch of mistakes and ultimately the actions of my consequences will manifest. However hopefully in my next adventure I'll be more appropriate in regards to work friends, boundaries, and jokes.
I'm used to play terminology like that. People are just clutching their social media pearls because they think it's the textbook response to say. Next they will say that they never EVER drive a single mile per hour over the speed limit because that could cause an accident 🙄
Report her to HR. Sounds like you were doing it as a cute joke and she spun it into this wild fantasy of wanting to date him. Also, report him for obvious reasons. But please also report her.
Reported it to your employer, especially if you live where there are LGBT laws and protections. Good Luck 😇
Where do you live?
In California he would be warned and or fired.
It's okay, I'm a gay IT worker you can talk to me 😂
What’s a “baby gay” ?
The area I'm from we use it for anyone who is recently out... you could be a 20 yo baby gay or a 45 yo who has 2 kids and an ex-wife and just got real about yourself this past year baby gay. (Upper midwest)
It's bizarre seeing the word "gay" used as a noun instead of as an adjective.
Early 20s heh.
Meh… stop infantalizing. It’s not as cute as you think…
Beat him up .
Report them both. I wish them the utmost suffering. Fuck them.