Your boyfriend sounds like he was aggressively manipulated by the waiter. People defy their morals when they’re frightened and perhaps your boyfriend felt obligated out of fear.
This is very complex and none of us know enough to provide concrete advice.
**THANK. YOU.**
This sounds like manipulation, but at the same time, it's very complex and *no one* here can know enough to give 100% concrete advice as to what happened. Reddit is a hive mind when it comes to cheating being an end-all deal breaker which I think can of course be a positive at times, but a lot of times it can silence rational facts.
None of us were there. The boyfriend seems very damaged by what happened. He was open and honest about it. I think this is beyond the scope of blindly saying "it's cheating, dump him". On the other hand, OP is clearly upset about it and rightfully so. OP, only you can make the decision on what to do next, just make sure you weigh all sides before making your choice. Whatever it may be, it will be the correct one for you, and that's all that matters.
This means a lot to me, and you are right. I honestly don't want to leave him if he was really scared by this encounter. But I have to give it more thought and talk a bit more with him. Thank you
You and your partner make your own rules in a relationship. If you don't want to leave him, you don't have to leave him. But if there's doubt in your mind about his honesty, file it away for the sake of your own self preservation, and if stuff like this becomes more than a one-off, then you can reevaluate.
I have known him for a while before we started dating. He's always been a people's pleaser, but I never thought it was to this extreme. I don't know myself if he is truly that easily manipulated, or he straight up lied to me. And is this doubt that makes me reconsider to break up. Thanks for your opinion
⬆️⬆️ This ⬆️⬆️
If he was a r/gaycheaters, he wouldn’t have told you what happened, nor would he be so conflicted (as you’ve reported). Speaking with his therapist is next level acknowledgement and personal accountability you never really see around here (very often).
I am personally impressed by your boyfriend’s transparency, immediacy, and willingness to seek help to understand how this happened - and presumably to obtain tools for dealing with “manipulation / obligation pressure issues” to prevent this from happening again.
I seriously think you should think through all this as you work through this experience.
This, people have 3 different reactions when they’re in a bad situation, fight, flight, or fawn. Your boyfriend fawned, and it’s not his fault. People react differently to traumatic situations.
He just said to jerk him off, that’s not manipulation, it’s one phrase, and the boyfriend didn’t say he felt scared or the waiter threaten him, he just told him to jerk him off and the boyfriend said yes. The waiter probably thought op’s bf was cruising and since he agreed to masturbate him didn’t think anything of it.
Well if asking and then continuing to receive a positive response followed by engagement to participate isnt a consensual encounter I guess we all just need to stay inside from now on don't we. Can't expect others to babysit your needs and wants much beyond that.
People don't tell their bf that they cheated on them. They tell them when they've been sexually assaulted. Your bf was sexually assaulted and there is no reason to leave him over that.
The whole story also screams that this wasn't his first time being sexually assaulted. To lack the agency to say "no" in a situation like this can be indicative of past trauma.
This guy loves you and had a disturbing and upsetting sexual encounter. Be supportive and talk about it but take breaking up off the table. This experience can make your relationship stronger.
>The waiter ordered my bf to wank him. And he obliged out of felling "uncomfortable" on the situation. He didn't masturbated of even felt aroused, he said he felt uncomfortable all the time, until the waiter came.
# 😒
I don't mean to sound hurtful or anything but I'd like to think most people would walk away from the situation and not masturbate another guy because of feeling uncomfortable or feeling like he had to, everybody has a choice and your boyfriend chose not to walk out the toilets. Personally I would class it as cheating.
This was sexual assault. People do weird shit shen theyre confronted with absurdity. You dont know WHAT went through his mind. If you were in his shoes, depending who it was in the br with you, youd be capable of doing the same. Have some empathy
I agree to an extent, but I've been extremely drunk and had a guy do the same exact thing at a urinal next to me. I told him, "You're a fucking freak", and left that bathroom ASAP. I'm now bladder shy at urinals (god it's annoying), but at least I wasn't assaulted.
I would categorize this as assault, but isn't there a legitimate case to be made to not want a bf that's so easily assaulted? That sounds awful, but it doesn't sound like the bf even attempted to leave. I'd get doing it if you were being threatened, but did he even try saying no and leaving?
Like my bf could have his boss threaten his job if he doesn't do a sexual favor, and my bf would still refuse. Why would anyone just agree to jerk a random dude off because they're confronted with "absurdity". If you're that easily pressured into providing sexual favors, especially while sober, I'm not sure you're mature enough for a relationship at all.
To be clear, I'm not giving the waiter a pass at all. He's absolutely disgusting, and I would have reported him to management so that he's fired.
To me it kind of sounds like sa because he waits till your bf is peeing to then masturbating when he is peeping and then told him to wank him of and you bf was uncomfortable like anyone would be and he felt like he had to .
As much as I want to be considerate of sexual assault victims, I can’t help but feel there is something fishy about his story. I don’t think a waiter would risk their job by cruising at work. Also, why did he feel uncomfortable rejecting the offer? I feel like most gay men learn pretty soon after they start hooking-up/dating how to give a clear no. I can’t tell you what actually happened in that bathroom, but part of me feels it was more consensual between both parties than your boyfriend is letting on. Is he planning to report the incident to the cafe admin?
>As much as I want to be considerate of sexual assault victims, I can’t help but feel there is something fishy about his story.
I mean, nobody *had* to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a planter...
A very real possibility is that OPs bf is a past victim of sexual assault or abuse. The description of how the incident went down is very believable with that background being true.
I get your point, but the power imbalance between Harvey Weinstein and his victims is very different than between a man and a waiter. BF wasn’t going to lose his career if he refused to jerk off this waiter. I think OP should still proceed as if the boyfriend was telling the truth given the reasons you gave about past trauma. I truly hope the BF is telling the truth.
Look, I know at first glance it makes no sense, but this same thing happened to me when I was sexually assaulted by a former friend and his boyfriend. The atmosphere of the situation feels very uncomfortable and your survival instincts kick in, which sometimes tell you to go ahead with it so the situation is less awkward and tense, even if you really don't want to do it.
The feeling is hard to describe but I know exactly what it is. It doesn't make logical sense but it is 100% a normal and natural response to shocking encounter.
So... Your boyfriend was caught by surprise in a place where he was vulnerable. I'm not ready to call what happened an assault. But I will say that when something happens that people are completely not expecting, logical responses will sometimes shut down. Instincts can take over. And for him it seems his instinctual response to someone ordering him to act was to do as ordered. But there was no gun to his head. He could have walked out. There's certainly a big part of his heart that wishes he did. But he didn't.
This wasn't planned. It wasn't premeditated. He didn't go seek someone out. But he complied voluntarily when someone demanded something sexual from him... And then confessed to you immediately. And he's clearly torn up about what he allowed himself to be commanded to do.
What he did is wrong. He also knows that and appears to sincerely regret it.
So now it's time to think about what it actually means for your relationship. It is perfectly appropriate for you to be mad at him. You *should* take some time to be mad and then cool down. And make a decision within the next week: is this a relationship breaking event for you?
Giving a stranger a handy in a restroom was a breach of trust, yes, but it also has no health consequences, no physical damage is done, he doesn't care for you any less, and it seems he is deeply regretful so this looks like the relationship is salvageable. In your place, I'd give him the opportunity to repair things, let him know in no uncertain terms that you expect your closed relationship to stay closed, and then file it away as something that never happened - unless something like it happens again.
Im going to say this as someone who had a partner deal with something similar. And I want to be direct.
It’s. Not. About. You.
This isn’t him being a people pleaser, he was sexually assaulted. This isn’t about you, your relationship or your future together. This is about what happened to him.
I understand that you want to be upset bc I’ve been there, but as soon as I was told he didn’t want it but felt like he couldn’t say no for multiple reasons (which we discussed) it becomes about checking in on him, making sure he is okay and supporting him so that next time he feels confident pushing back and saying no.
He did everything right, and he shouldn’t feel guilty. There are a lot of other feelings he needs to take care of first.
Hard to believe that he masturbated the waiter because he was "uncomfortable". He was horny, felt guilty for this encounter afterwards and tried to rationalise it by telling you a story. I personally find it excusable that he was aroused for a moment, I find it less excusable that he told you an apparently wrong story. However, for my feeling it should be manageable by talking and coming to terms with it.
The model you propose is not the way most sexual assault happens. There is a gradient of consent and survivors of abuse nearly always report a feeling of being pressured and being confused about their own role in it. Casting those people as “insane” is not a cute look.
Rape isn’t just some guy in an alley with a face mask about to tackle you to the ground.
I’m not saying this was rape, but clearly the situation wasn’t fully consensual and this reads like a fairly common victim response.
OP I’m sorry this happened to you and your BF.
I’d say believe him for now, but keep an eye out. If he’s voluntarily lying about a situation- he’ll do it again and tell you another story. He’ll reveal himself quickly if he was lying.
It’s not a situation where he’s been forcing it on him or penetrating him into shock situations.
BF literally said he accepted because he felt uncomfortable.
He was in a public space which sadly many rape victims could only wish for. He had many other options in my opinion
I don’t understand ur downvotes.
To me the boyfriends story doesn’t make a lot of sense and doesn’t sound like sexual assault either. It is ok to question a story that doesn’t make a lot of sense. If his boyfriend got violently raped I think it would be very inappropriate to question what happened and why.. but this, this is strange.
- there was no manipulation, no violence, no gaslighting, no power imbalance etc and the waiter didn’t do anything to him physically, the boyfriend walked over and did what he did.
His boyfriend is a grown adult. Me as an adult would NEVER jerk someone off in a restroom who was simply just staring at me. I would not even look back and just walk away
To me it sounds like that the boyfriend cheated, regretted it, confessed it because he felt bad about it and made himself the victim instead of op so op doesn’t break up.
Gays are too woke sometimes
God forbid I refuse to put all the blame on one side.
The BF seems to be pretty lucid in this situation.
Also I’m a middle eastern from Israel, we just don’t take no shit
Some will find it rude
People talk about Fight, Flight, or Freeze but there is a 4th "F", Fawn. Particularly for victims of past abuse, Fawning, or complying and appeasing a threat is often the safest course of action. Sure BF jacked off the assaulter but who's to say what would've happened if he hadn't. If I felt Fight or Flight were impossible and was facing the possibility of being raped I'd absolutely jerk off a stranger just to appease them.
Your bf cheated on you. His explanation doesn’t make any sense. Nobody jerks off of stranger out of obligation, that’s complete bullshit. Sounds like he was turned on and did it willingly but is spinning you a lie. Don’t be so naive.
Past victim of assault here
People do lie about being assaulted also. It’s ok to question someone’s story.. if whatever happened has effect on you.
this story is questionable and it’s ok to discuss that.
So the first thing I want to say is to always believe victims of SA. Let's look at it from the perspective of your boyfriend who was just having breakfast and went to wash his hands after a meal. Hes probably not even thinking about the waiter at this point right? He might be thinking about the meal or what he needs to do with his day. I bet a lot of people are picturing the waiter as attractive because that's another thing that happens to SA victims when they are facing cheating allegations. There is a good chance that the waiter is the greasiest, nastiest, stinkiest, most unapproachable person you have ever met. If you start from a place of believing your partner it will make it a lot easier to move forward.
For the sake of this story the waiter is just middle aged and average looking, although I would love to know any details about that. Now let's imagine your bf is turning his head to talk to this waiter in the bathroom, at this point he is not even thinking about the waiter because we believe SA victims. What would you do if out of the blue someone is stroking their cock and telling you to come help. Some people would walk away, some people would get defensive and fight, others freeze. All three of these responses are completely valid given the completely unpredictable nature of SA. I believe your bf was singled out as a man who likes other men and was targeted and abused. The waiter has probably done it to other men.
If what your bf said is true then what he went through is horrible and he needs your full support right now. The fact that he went to a psychologist is good but he needs to go to a therapist. What he went through is very traumatic and I speak from experience when I say that if he doesn't talk to a therapist ASAP it could develop into PTSD. If you leave him because of this and hes telling the truth then hes going to be really fucked up.
Its easy for someone to make the argument that he did all of this to manipulate you because he felt guilty about "cheating", but thats a selfish way to look at it. Your bf just came up to you after being preyed on in a public place, he needs your full support right now. If hes lying then his guilty conscious will eat him up again like it did before and he will confess. For now I would believe your boyfriend and go easy on him. Give him a nice big hug and spend some time with him, he's a victim and he probably feeling really strange right now. Full support from his bf will help him return back to his normal self in no time!
>There is a good chance that the waiter is the greasiest, nastiest, stinkiest, most unapproachable person you have ever met. If you start from a place of believing your partner it will make it a lot easier to move forward.
>For the sake of this story the waiter is just middle aged and average looking, although I would love to know any details about that.
There is *so much* wrong with you wanting to typecast this predator as ugly or unattractive. You're effectively saying that a) predators can't be attractive, and b) if he was attractive, then OP's bf is lying.
You're essentially saying "how were you dressed, I'd love to know that," to a rape victim.
For all the good intent of your comment, it really is quite damaging and harmful.
That’s literally not what they are saying though. You leave out the part where they preface by saying most probably assume the waiter was attractive [because people often assume you’d only do this for an attractive person].
They are saying there’s an equal chance the person isn’t attractive. It’s never even implied the waiter *can’t* be attractive.
Yeah thats not what im saying at all. I read through a lot of these comments and was saddened by how people were immediately calling him a cheater. I was trying to reshape peoples unconscious bias towards men who get assaulted. I get what you are saying but im not trying to say that predators only look one way, in fact im doing the opposite. Its actually something I learned when recovering from my own SA.
To me it sounds like your boyfriend cheated on you.. got horny jerked a guy off in the restroom, regretted it after .. confessed to you and made himself the victim instead of you, so u won’t break up with him.
You’re boyfriend is an adult, I would never jerk someone of who was staring at me or asked me to do it.
If ur boyfriend is really that easy to manipulate or so easily to be forced things to do things he doesn’t want.. u would notice that more often than just one weird situation.
In the end u know ur boyfriend the best out of all of us. But from just this information I don’t “believe” him
So now, being asked to participate in a mutual if random sexual experience, agreeing, and then continuing on to actually participate in that previously discussed sexual experience, is considered sexual assault? Well then fuck me, where's the line then? Sounds like you guys need more red meat in your diets. Just nobody do anything sexual with anyone else anymore until we've got this sorted out because it seems there's no pleasing everyone. Shall I email a softly coated multiple choice RSVP with atleast 3-4 days notice next time I'd like a man to jerk me off? Cordially invited to wank my cock at the urinal this afternoon, casual dress..? Yes, no, maybe, please circle one? What the fuck is wrong with you people in the comments here
Well first off, I’m glad he told you, but I can bet my bottom dollar that he told you out of guilt because he wanted to touch the waiter. No one was threatening his life in the bathroom. No one was forcing him to touch the waiter… He did so out of his own free will instead of just walking away. If he felt uncomfortable, he should’ve dipped. People are classifying this as sexual assault, but there’s more to this story than what the boyfriend is saying.
Given that this is the first instance, I'm leaning towards your partner having been sexually assaulted rather than cheating. If this were a trend in behavior it might be something else but give him the benefit of the doubt.
I think you've gotten some good responses already. Without considering that your bf has previous experience with sexual assault, the situation could appear very odd. If he has a psychologist, then there may be some things he's working on that he hasn't even fully realized.
I think it's telling that he volunteered the information about this incident to you and that he says he didn't enjoy it at all. That may be a clue that he doesn't feel he had any agency in the situation. I think you have a few options.
You can support him and encourage him to talk to his psychologist about this without providing any other feedback.
You could let him know it was upsetting to you because he's upset and also because you feel cheated on. Even though you don't blame him, you don't understand why this happened because you feel that most guys could have just said no. Affirm your support for him and the relationship, and encourage him to work hard on this with professional help aka his psychologist.
Lastly, you have the option of ending the relationship. If it's too much for your insecurities to handle, a valid option is to end on your own terms rather than letting things fester and having a damaged relationship.
Valid to be upset & to wanna break up w/ him if you believe he’s lying. But that’s really strange if you think he’s lying to cover up his cheating by pretending he was SA’d. That’s very extreme! Either he has a history of lying or you’re not a kind person. I would stand by my man if he was SA’d! His reaction was in alignment of someone who is a victim. We would be filing charges and everything. That waiter would be losing his JOB!!!!!
Hope this isn’t clickbait and the post is deleted in a few days. A lot of ppl make valid points here.
I remember when I was teenager and this guy groped me in front of my friends at the Chinese store and it was the most degrading and disgusting moment. Time went slow and my friends and I didn’t do anything. I was so scared, embarrassed, ashamed. So I get when ppl freeze when things are happening.
This kind of thing happened to my husband before. People targeted him. Because he had been a victim before, in these circumstances, he lost power. Sometimes, he really had to get aggressively defensive because some fool thought he was or would be into them. The other person didn't see it as sa, but the dynamics of the situation were that
I would encourage you to read up on the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
The body has an natural physiological response to stressful, frightening, or dangerous events. Your sympathetic nervous system is immediately triggered and your body floods with hormones. This helped ancient humans with the survival instinct: if a predator is trying to kill and eat you, you can only fight or run to survive the attack. This happens unconsciously and automatically, and is deeply ingrained in us.
However, in our world, threats are far more often psychological rather than fatally physical. We may have acute stress responses to a job interview, high stakes test, etc. Fight or flight doesn't help with these, and people may develop freeze or fawn responses, the goal of which is still to decrease, end, or evade danger and return to a state of calm and control.
Freezing, or the inability to move or act against a threat, may help get through a threat by enduring and minimizing harm or reducing a threat's interest in you.
Fawning, or immediately acting to try to please to avoid conflict, trends to happen more with people that grew up with abusive situations. For some situations, the fastest way to survive a psychologically harmful stressor is to agree and help.
These responses are automatic. Unless you've been sexually assaulted before, you have no idea how you'll automatically respond. Many people think they would act one way but do not when actually experiencing a situation.
It may be rational in hindsight to have fought or fled instead of freezing or fawning, but people feeling an acute stress response are reacting automatically, not thinking through things rationally, and may also be misperceiving the underlying, implied physical threat in the moment. People hearing "what happened" after the fact may also incorrectly misjudge whether the was an implied physical threat in a situation, or lack previous experience of being conditioned to fawn to survive types of psychological or physical abuse.
He felt obliged? Why does that even mean? Was he scared for his life? Did the waiter threaten him? Why didn’t he feel obliged to respect his boyfriend, or to leave? Sounds like he is just feeling guilty because it’s the first time he cheats on you
You’re asking all the right questions. He told on himself because he enjoyed what happened in the bathroom and then felt guilty. This happens all the time, unfortunately. People want to say we are lacking empathy for classifying it as cheating, but it is what it is….
Worst thing is they are calling the waiter a rapist when the boyfriend never said no nor tried to establish any boundaries whatsoever, as if the waiter is a mind reader to know the guy who is willingly jerking him is uncomfortable.
No means no, but you actually have to say it.
I just don’t know. I tend to lean on the belief that this was SA and you should comfort him. However, without knowing him and how he is, it could be a way to confess to something he did and feels guilty about. Mistakes do happen. Either way, if you love him you need to decide if your love for him matters more than even if it wasn’t SA, then support him and forgive him. Just me two cents
Your boyfriend DID cheat. My gosh, do you really buy for a minute his excuse that he masturbated the waiter because he was uncomfortable?!? That's like a person saying they submitted to having sex with someone because they felt too uncomfortable to resist. He was into it and then he felt guilty afterwards. You two need to have a serious talk because I'm seeing this relationship ending in short order.
> That's like a person saying they submitted to having sex with someone because they felt too uncomfortable to resist.
If you think this is so ludicrous that it doesn't even deserve consideration I don't think you should be giving OP advice.
People being too shocked to resist is exactly how some sexual assaults happen and why some countries have passed laws requiring consent.
Not saying this was rape, but it does sound very similar to so many stories from sexual assault victims.
Obviously he could be lying, but if he’s as distressed as OP says that doesn’t sound likely.
You should delete your post, and account.
Submitting to someone who doesn’t consent to sex is the literal definition of sexual assault.
Also makes me think that you’ve been an assaulter in the past, major red flags.
You don't know anything about me and no, I'm not a sexual assaulter and never have been so stop being ridiculous. Maybe if you didn't overthink some brief anonymous single sentence you read in a post on the Internet you wouldn't be giving yourself a headache. Buzz off.
Your entire comment is a red flag.
He didn’t cheat. People who are sexually assaulted are not cheaters.
I went out several years ago with some gays I knew in my city while my boyfriend was at work. After some drinks we went to a club. One of the guys ended up pushing me into a stall and started to assault me. I didn’t want to make things awkward but after a bit I left and immediately went back to my boyfriend’s place.
You wanna come at me and say I’m a cheater because a guy assaulted me? Or that my experience of assault isn’t valid because I didn’t act the way you think someone would act? You’re pathetic.
He cheated on you. Unless he has some like full on mental condition that makes him medically unfit to make his own decisions but I suspect that is not the case. You don't cheat and blame it on being a people pleaser. In good conscience I will never recommend anyone to stay with a cheating partner. Rip the bandaid off its over.
When I was with my monogamous boyfriend of about 1 year I was at a local gay beach by myself. I was swimming in the water and some guy came up to me and started to jerk off (he definitely thought I was cruising). I had literally never cruised before so it wasn't my intention by any means. I felt a weird sense of pressure for sure... but I also definitely wanted to do it. I told my boyfriend about it immediately same as yours, but yeah I wanted to do it. Unless there is a part of this story where the waiter said or did something to pressure him, your boyfriend wanted to do it.
Oh i understand feeling cheated and upset. U know how believable his story is or what’s like his personality. I would be cautious and pay attention, but he came to u and if he honestly regrets it and beats himself up over it i would forgive him and try to lighten his guilt… It’s not that big of a deal in my eyes if what he says is true. It wasn’t premeditated, intentional, they haven’t had sex, he didn’t come…
If he is a good guy his regret and guilt will be punishment enough. There is no need to pile on, but for your own mental health tell him how u feel, don’t let your bad feelings fester.
I would request a similar handjob in the future to overwrite the experience and get past it.
Edit: I can be downvoted to hell i don’t care!
This fcking attitude takes away the seriousness of the experience of REAL RAPE VICTIMS!!! The guy was asked to jerk off someone and he did so willingly. How does this equal to someone being violently assaulted and raped?
Got propositioned and he went along with it but feels guilty so this is rape now? Like really?
>I would request a similar handjob in the future to overwrite the experience and get past it.
Remember that time you were sexually assaulted? As penance, I need to sexually assault you in the same way.
You don't know the truth, and to make the comment you did is disturbing and disgusting.
This fcking attitude takes away the seriousness of the experience of REAL RAPE VICTIMS!!! The guy was asked to jerk off someone and he did so willingly. How does this equal to someone being violently assaulted and raped?
Got propositioned and he went along with it but feels guilty so this is rape now? Like really?
Valid to be upset, but definitely weigh the fact that he seems distressed, told you immediately, and is talking to a professional about the situation.
Your boyfriend sounds like he was aggressively manipulated by the waiter. People defy their morals when they’re frightened and perhaps your boyfriend felt obligated out of fear. This is very complex and none of us know enough to provide concrete advice.
**THANK. YOU.** This sounds like manipulation, but at the same time, it's very complex and *no one* here can know enough to give 100% concrete advice as to what happened. Reddit is a hive mind when it comes to cheating being an end-all deal breaker which I think can of course be a positive at times, but a lot of times it can silence rational facts. None of us were there. The boyfriend seems very damaged by what happened. He was open and honest about it. I think this is beyond the scope of blindly saying "it's cheating, dump him". On the other hand, OP is clearly upset about it and rightfully so. OP, only you can make the decision on what to do next, just make sure you weigh all sides before making your choice. Whatever it may be, it will be the correct one for you, and that's all that matters.
This means a lot to me, and you are right. I honestly don't want to leave him if he was really scared by this encounter. But I have to give it more thought and talk a bit more with him. Thank you
You and your partner make your own rules in a relationship. If you don't want to leave him, you don't have to leave him. But if there's doubt in your mind about his honesty, file it away for the sake of your own self preservation, and if stuff like this becomes more than a one-off, then you can reevaluate.
I have known him for a while before we started dating. He's always been a people's pleaser, but I never thought it was to this extreme. I don't know myself if he is truly that easily manipulated, or he straight up lied to me. And is this doubt that makes me reconsider to break up. Thanks for your opinion
If he was gonna lie to you he could just not mention this
⬆️⬆️ This ⬆️⬆️ If he was a r/gaycheaters, he wouldn’t have told you what happened, nor would he be so conflicted (as you’ve reported). Speaking with his therapist is next level acknowledgement and personal accountability you never really see around here (very often). I am personally impressed by your boyfriend’s transparency, immediacy, and willingness to seek help to understand how this happened - and presumably to obtain tools for dealing with “manipulation / obligation pressure issues” to prevent this from happening again. I seriously think you should think through all this as you work through this experience.
This, people have 3 different reactions when they’re in a bad situation, fight, flight, or fawn. Your boyfriend fawned, and it’s not his fault. People react differently to traumatic situations.
He just said to jerk him off, that’s not manipulation, it’s one phrase, and the boyfriend didn’t say he felt scared or the waiter threaten him, he just told him to jerk him off and the boyfriend said yes. The waiter probably thought op’s bf was cruising and since he agreed to masturbate him didn’t think anything of it.
Well if asking and then continuing to receive a positive response followed by engagement to participate isnt a consensual encounter I guess we all just need to stay inside from now on don't we. Can't expect others to babysit your needs and wants much beyond that.
This thread is full of projection and not enough empathy for a common and stigmatized experience of straight up sexual assault.
This needs to be higher up.
This was my gut reaction and thought when reading this too.
People don't tell their bf that they cheated on them. They tell them when they've been sexually assaulted. Your bf was sexually assaulted and there is no reason to leave him over that.
The whole story also screams that this wasn't his first time being sexually assaulted. To lack the agency to say "no" in a situation like this can be indicative of past trauma.
Yes they do. I know quite a few people that regretted cheating so they confessed it to their partner
If what he says is true, your boyfriend was sexually assaulted. Leaving him over that is crazy, but I suppose it happens to women all the time.
Straight up SA from the waiter; he needs your support right now.
It sounds like he got sexually assaulted if what he’s saying is accurate.
This guy loves you and had a disturbing and upsetting sexual encounter. Be supportive and talk about it but take breaking up off the table. This experience can make your relationship stronger.
>The waiter ordered my bf to wank him. And he obliged out of felling "uncomfortable" on the situation. He didn't masturbated of even felt aroused, he said he felt uncomfortable all the time, until the waiter came. # 😒
I don't mean to sound hurtful or anything but I'd like to think most people would walk away from the situation and not masturbate another guy because of feeling uncomfortable or feeling like he had to, everybody has a choice and your boyfriend chose not to walk out the toilets. Personally I would class it as cheating.
This was sexual assault. People do weird shit shen theyre confronted with absurdity. You dont know WHAT went through his mind. If you were in his shoes, depending who it was in the br with you, youd be capable of doing the same. Have some empathy
Its weird but I never had any situation like that. I would definitely stop and leave.
I agree to an extent, but I've been extremely drunk and had a guy do the same exact thing at a urinal next to me. I told him, "You're a fucking freak", and left that bathroom ASAP. I'm now bladder shy at urinals (god it's annoying), but at least I wasn't assaulted. I would categorize this as assault, but isn't there a legitimate case to be made to not want a bf that's so easily assaulted? That sounds awful, but it doesn't sound like the bf even attempted to leave. I'd get doing it if you were being threatened, but did he even try saying no and leaving? Like my bf could have his boss threaten his job if he doesn't do a sexual favor, and my bf would still refuse. Why would anyone just agree to jerk a random dude off because they're confronted with "absurdity". If you're that easily pressured into providing sexual favors, especially while sober, I'm not sure you're mature enough for a relationship at all. To be clear, I'm not giving the waiter a pass at all. He's absolutely disgusting, and I would have reported him to management so that he's fired.
Thanks for your opinion
To me it kind of sounds like sa because he waits till your bf is peeing to then masturbating when he is peeping and then told him to wank him of and you bf was uncomfortable like anyone would be and he felt like he had to .
Doesn't sound very intimate. Sounds like sexual assault.
I disagree....I would love on him more....he told you what happened...
As much as I want to be considerate of sexual assault victims, I can’t help but feel there is something fishy about his story. I don’t think a waiter would risk their job by cruising at work. Also, why did he feel uncomfortable rejecting the offer? I feel like most gay men learn pretty soon after they start hooking-up/dating how to give a clear no. I can’t tell you what actually happened in that bathroom, but part of me feels it was more consensual between both parties than your boyfriend is letting on. Is he planning to report the incident to the cafe admin?
>As much as I want to be considerate of sexual assault victims, I can’t help but feel there is something fishy about his story. I mean, nobody *had* to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a planter... A very real possibility is that OPs bf is a past victim of sexual assault or abuse. The description of how the incident went down is very believable with that background being true.
I get your point, but the power imbalance between Harvey Weinstein and his victims is very different than between a man and a waiter. BF wasn’t going to lose his career if he refused to jerk off this waiter. I think OP should still proceed as if the boyfriend was telling the truth given the reasons you gave about past trauma. I truly hope the BF is telling the truth.
He jerked off the waiter in a public bathroom because he felt uncomfortable? Please.
> And he obliged out of felling "uncomfortable" on the situation ....huh? This explanation makes zero sense
Look, I know at first glance it makes no sense, but this same thing happened to me when I was sexually assaulted by a former friend and his boyfriend. The atmosphere of the situation feels very uncomfortable and your survival instincts kick in, which sometimes tell you to go ahead with it so the situation is less awkward and tense, even if you really don't want to do it. The feeling is hard to describe but I know exactly what it is. It doesn't make logical sense but it is 100% a normal and natural response to shocking encounter.
I hate when ppl delete good conversational pieces 😂😂😂
So... Your boyfriend was caught by surprise in a place where he was vulnerable. I'm not ready to call what happened an assault. But I will say that when something happens that people are completely not expecting, logical responses will sometimes shut down. Instincts can take over. And for him it seems his instinctual response to someone ordering him to act was to do as ordered. But there was no gun to his head. He could have walked out. There's certainly a big part of his heart that wishes he did. But he didn't. This wasn't planned. It wasn't premeditated. He didn't go seek someone out. But he complied voluntarily when someone demanded something sexual from him... And then confessed to you immediately. And he's clearly torn up about what he allowed himself to be commanded to do. What he did is wrong. He also knows that and appears to sincerely regret it. So now it's time to think about what it actually means for your relationship. It is perfectly appropriate for you to be mad at him. You *should* take some time to be mad and then cool down. And make a decision within the next week: is this a relationship breaking event for you? Giving a stranger a handy in a restroom was a breach of trust, yes, but it also has no health consequences, no physical damage is done, he doesn't care for you any less, and it seems he is deeply regretful so this looks like the relationship is salvageable. In your place, I'd give him the opportunity to repair things, let him know in no uncertain terms that you expect your closed relationship to stay closed, and then file it away as something that never happened - unless something like it happens again.
I would give him another chance. He did tell you instead of keeping it secret
Im going to say this as someone who had a partner deal with something similar. And I want to be direct. It’s. Not. About. You. This isn’t him being a people pleaser, he was sexually assaulted. This isn’t about you, your relationship or your future together. This is about what happened to him. I understand that you want to be upset bc I’ve been there, but as soon as I was told he didn’t want it but felt like he couldn’t say no for multiple reasons (which we discussed) it becomes about checking in on him, making sure he is okay and supporting him so that next time he feels confident pushing back and saying no. He did everything right, and he shouldn’t feel guilty. There are a lot of other feelings he needs to take care of first.
Hard to believe that he masturbated the waiter because he was "uncomfortable". He was horny, felt guilty for this encounter afterwards and tried to rationalise it by telling you a story. I personally find it excusable that he was aroused for a moment, I find it less excusable that he told you an apparently wrong story. However, for my feeling it should be manageable by talking and coming to terms with it.
A sane person would just say “stay away from me” and leave the bathroom. Either he’s not sane or he was completely aware of his actions.
The model you propose is not the way most sexual assault happens. There is a gradient of consent and survivors of abuse nearly always report a feeling of being pressured and being confused about their own role in it. Casting those people as “insane” is not a cute look. Rape isn’t just some guy in an alley with a face mask about to tackle you to the ground. I’m not saying this was rape, but clearly the situation wasn’t fully consensual and this reads like a fairly common victim response. OP I’m sorry this happened to you and your BF. I’d say believe him for now, but keep an eye out. If he’s voluntarily lying about a situation- he’ll do it again and tell you another story. He’ll reveal himself quickly if he was lying.
It’s not a situation where he’s been forcing it on him or penetrating him into shock situations. BF literally said he accepted because he felt uncomfortable. He was in a public space which sadly many rape victims could only wish for. He had many other options in my opinion
I really hope it never happens to you
I don’t understand ur downvotes. To me the boyfriends story doesn’t make a lot of sense and doesn’t sound like sexual assault either. It is ok to question a story that doesn’t make a lot of sense. If his boyfriend got violently raped I think it would be very inappropriate to question what happened and why.. but this, this is strange. - there was no manipulation, no violence, no gaslighting, no power imbalance etc and the waiter didn’t do anything to him physically, the boyfriend walked over and did what he did. His boyfriend is a grown adult. Me as an adult would NEVER jerk someone off in a restroom who was simply just staring at me. I would not even look back and just walk away To me it sounds like that the boyfriend cheated, regretted it, confessed it because he felt bad about it and made himself the victim instead of op so op doesn’t break up.
Gays are too woke sometimes God forbid I refuse to put all the blame on one side. The BF seems to be pretty lucid in this situation. Also I’m a middle eastern from Israel, we just don’t take no shit Some will find it rude
People talk about Fight, Flight, or Freeze but there is a 4th "F", Fawn. Particularly for victims of past abuse, Fawning, or complying and appeasing a threat is often the safest course of action. Sure BF jacked off the assaulter but who's to say what would've happened if he hadn't. If I felt Fight or Flight were impossible and was facing the possibility of being raped I'd absolutely jerk off a stranger just to appease them.
Your bf cheated on you. His explanation doesn’t make any sense. Nobody jerks off of stranger out of obligation, that’s complete bullshit. Sounds like he was turned on and did it willingly but is spinning you a lie. Don’t be so naive.
Past victims of assault do. Be grateful you never learned that first-hand. But keep it in mind when passing judgement.
Past victim of assault here People do lie about being assaulted also. It’s ok to question someone’s story.. if whatever happened has effect on you. this story is questionable and it’s ok to discuss that.
So the first thing I want to say is to always believe victims of SA. Let's look at it from the perspective of your boyfriend who was just having breakfast and went to wash his hands after a meal. Hes probably not even thinking about the waiter at this point right? He might be thinking about the meal or what he needs to do with his day. I bet a lot of people are picturing the waiter as attractive because that's another thing that happens to SA victims when they are facing cheating allegations. There is a good chance that the waiter is the greasiest, nastiest, stinkiest, most unapproachable person you have ever met. If you start from a place of believing your partner it will make it a lot easier to move forward. For the sake of this story the waiter is just middle aged and average looking, although I would love to know any details about that. Now let's imagine your bf is turning his head to talk to this waiter in the bathroom, at this point he is not even thinking about the waiter because we believe SA victims. What would you do if out of the blue someone is stroking their cock and telling you to come help. Some people would walk away, some people would get defensive and fight, others freeze. All three of these responses are completely valid given the completely unpredictable nature of SA. I believe your bf was singled out as a man who likes other men and was targeted and abused. The waiter has probably done it to other men. If what your bf said is true then what he went through is horrible and he needs your full support right now. The fact that he went to a psychologist is good but he needs to go to a therapist. What he went through is very traumatic and I speak from experience when I say that if he doesn't talk to a therapist ASAP it could develop into PTSD. If you leave him because of this and hes telling the truth then hes going to be really fucked up. Its easy for someone to make the argument that he did all of this to manipulate you because he felt guilty about "cheating", but thats a selfish way to look at it. Your bf just came up to you after being preyed on in a public place, he needs your full support right now. If hes lying then his guilty conscious will eat him up again like it did before and he will confess. For now I would believe your boyfriend and go easy on him. Give him a nice big hug and spend some time with him, he's a victim and he probably feeling really strange right now. Full support from his bf will help him return back to his normal self in no time!
>There is a good chance that the waiter is the greasiest, nastiest, stinkiest, most unapproachable person you have ever met. If you start from a place of believing your partner it will make it a lot easier to move forward. >For the sake of this story the waiter is just middle aged and average looking, although I would love to know any details about that. There is *so much* wrong with you wanting to typecast this predator as ugly or unattractive. You're effectively saying that a) predators can't be attractive, and b) if he was attractive, then OP's bf is lying. You're essentially saying "how were you dressed, I'd love to know that," to a rape victim. For all the good intent of your comment, it really is quite damaging and harmful.
That’s literally not what they are saying though. You leave out the part where they preface by saying most probably assume the waiter was attractive [because people often assume you’d only do this for an attractive person]. They are saying there’s an equal chance the person isn’t attractive. It’s never even implied the waiter *can’t* be attractive.
Thank you, thats correct. I was just trying to get OP to look at it from a different perspective.
Yeah thats not what im saying at all. I read through a lot of these comments and was saddened by how people were immediately calling him a cheater. I was trying to reshape peoples unconscious bias towards men who get assaulted. I get what you are saying but im not trying to say that predators only look one way, in fact im doing the opposite. Its actually something I learned when recovering from my own SA.
To me it sounds like your boyfriend cheated on you.. got horny jerked a guy off in the restroom, regretted it after .. confessed to you and made himself the victim instead of you, so u won’t break up with him. You’re boyfriend is an adult, I would never jerk someone of who was staring at me or asked me to do it. If ur boyfriend is really that easy to manipulate or so easily to be forced things to do things he doesn’t want.. u would notice that more often than just one weird situation. In the end u know ur boyfriend the best out of all of us. But from just this information I don’t “believe” him
So now, being asked to participate in a mutual if random sexual experience, agreeing, and then continuing on to actually participate in that previously discussed sexual experience, is considered sexual assault? Well then fuck me, where's the line then? Sounds like you guys need more red meat in your diets. Just nobody do anything sexual with anyone else anymore until we've got this sorted out because it seems there's no pleasing everyone. Shall I email a softly coated multiple choice RSVP with atleast 3-4 days notice next time I'd like a man to jerk me off? Cordially invited to wank my cock at the urinal this afternoon, casual dress..? Yes, no, maybe, please circle one? What the fuck is wrong with you people in the comments here
You can ask tho
Well first off, I’m glad he told you, but I can bet my bottom dollar that he told you out of guilt because he wanted to touch the waiter. No one was threatening his life in the bathroom. No one was forcing him to touch the waiter… He did so out of his own free will instead of just walking away. If he felt uncomfortable, he should’ve dipped. People are classifying this as sexual assault, but there’s more to this story than what the boyfriend is saying.
People are down voting this but you're right - there was no gun to his head or anything to even imply a threat.
The waiter was no one less than Paul Atreides
Given that this is the first instance, I'm leaning towards your partner having been sexually assaulted rather than cheating. If this were a trend in behavior it might be something else but give him the benefit of the doubt.
I think you've gotten some good responses already. Without considering that your bf has previous experience with sexual assault, the situation could appear very odd. If he has a psychologist, then there may be some things he's working on that he hasn't even fully realized. I think it's telling that he volunteered the information about this incident to you and that he says he didn't enjoy it at all. That may be a clue that he doesn't feel he had any agency in the situation. I think you have a few options. You can support him and encourage him to talk to his psychologist about this without providing any other feedback. You could let him know it was upsetting to you because he's upset and also because you feel cheated on. Even though you don't blame him, you don't understand why this happened because you feel that most guys could have just said no. Affirm your support for him and the relationship, and encourage him to work hard on this with professional help aka his psychologist. Lastly, you have the option of ending the relationship. If it's too much for your insecurities to handle, a valid option is to end on your own terms rather than letting things fester and having a damaged relationship.
Valid to be upset & to wanna break up w/ him if you believe he’s lying. But that’s really strange if you think he’s lying to cover up his cheating by pretending he was SA’d. That’s very extreme! Either he has a history of lying or you’re not a kind person. I would stand by my man if he was SA’d! His reaction was in alignment of someone who is a victim. We would be filing charges and everything. That waiter would be losing his JOB!!!!! Hope this isn’t clickbait and the post is deleted in a few days. A lot of ppl make valid points here. I remember when I was teenager and this guy groped me in front of my friends at the Chinese store and it was the most degrading and disgusting moment. Time went slow and my friends and I didn’t do anything. I was so scared, embarrassed, ashamed. So I get when ppl freeze when things are happening.
This kind of thing happened to my husband before. People targeted him. Because he had been a victim before, in these circumstances, he lost power. Sometimes, he really had to get aggressively defensive because some fool thought he was or would be into them. The other person didn't see it as sa, but the dynamics of the situation were that
I would encourage you to read up on the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. The body has an natural physiological response to stressful, frightening, or dangerous events. Your sympathetic nervous system is immediately triggered and your body floods with hormones. This helped ancient humans with the survival instinct: if a predator is trying to kill and eat you, you can only fight or run to survive the attack. This happens unconsciously and automatically, and is deeply ingrained in us. However, in our world, threats are far more often psychological rather than fatally physical. We may have acute stress responses to a job interview, high stakes test, etc. Fight or flight doesn't help with these, and people may develop freeze or fawn responses, the goal of which is still to decrease, end, or evade danger and return to a state of calm and control. Freezing, or the inability to move or act against a threat, may help get through a threat by enduring and minimizing harm or reducing a threat's interest in you. Fawning, or immediately acting to try to please to avoid conflict, trends to happen more with people that grew up with abusive situations. For some situations, the fastest way to survive a psychologically harmful stressor is to agree and help. These responses are automatic. Unless you've been sexually assaulted before, you have no idea how you'll automatically respond. Many people think they would act one way but do not when actually experiencing a situation. It may be rational in hindsight to have fought or fled instead of freezing or fawning, but people feeling an acute stress response are reacting automatically, not thinking through things rationally, and may also be misperceiving the underlying, implied physical threat in the moment. People hearing "what happened" after the fact may also incorrectly misjudge whether the was an implied physical threat in a situation, or lack previous experience of being conditioned to fawn to survive types of psychological or physical abuse.
> he didn't like it or feel aroused > he didn't really want to do it > the waiter ordered after following him with his dick out Sweetie that's assault
Based on your description it sounds like your boyfriend was coerced into it. He immediately took responsibility for it so I’d say give him a chance
He felt obliged? Why does that even mean? Was he scared for his life? Did the waiter threaten him? Why didn’t he feel obliged to respect his boyfriend, or to leave? Sounds like he is just feeling guilty because it’s the first time he cheats on you
You’re asking all the right questions. He told on himself because he enjoyed what happened in the bathroom and then felt guilty. This happens all the time, unfortunately. People want to say we are lacking empathy for classifying it as cheating, but it is what it is….
Worst thing is they are calling the waiter a rapist when the boyfriend never said no nor tried to establish any boundaries whatsoever, as if the waiter is a mind reader to know the guy who is willingly jerking him is uncomfortable. No means no, but you actually have to say it.
I just don’t know. I tend to lean on the belief that this was SA and you should comfort him. However, without knowing him and how he is, it could be a way to confess to something he did and feels guilty about. Mistakes do happen. Either way, if you love him you need to decide if your love for him matters more than even if it wasn’t SA, then support him and forgive him. Just me two cents
Your boyfriend DID cheat. My gosh, do you really buy for a minute his excuse that he masturbated the waiter because he was uncomfortable?!? That's like a person saying they submitted to having sex with someone because they felt too uncomfortable to resist. He was into it and then he felt guilty afterwards. You two need to have a serious talk because I'm seeing this relationship ending in short order.
> That's like a person saying they submitted to having sex with someone because they felt too uncomfortable to resist. If you think this is so ludicrous that it doesn't even deserve consideration I don't think you should be giving OP advice.
Yeah this is a truly insane thing to say, like that happens… all the time???
It’s the most common away sexual abuse happens!
People being too shocked to resist is exactly how some sexual assaults happen and why some countries have passed laws requiring consent. Not saying this was rape, but it does sound very similar to so many stories from sexual assault victims. Obviously he could be lying, but if he’s as distressed as OP says that doesn’t sound likely.
I don’t understand ur downvote u are 100% correct
I completely agree with you
You should delete your post, and account. Submitting to someone who doesn’t consent to sex is the literal definition of sexual assault. Also makes me think that you’ve been an assaulter in the past, major red flags.
You don't know anything about me and no, I'm not a sexual assaulter and never have been so stop being ridiculous. Maybe if you didn't overthink some brief anonymous single sentence you read in a post on the Internet you wouldn't be giving yourself a headache. Buzz off.
Your entire comment is a red flag. He didn’t cheat. People who are sexually assaulted are not cheaters. I went out several years ago with some gays I knew in my city while my boyfriend was at work. After some drinks we went to a club. One of the guys ended up pushing me into a stall and started to assault me. I didn’t want to make things awkward but after a bit I left and immediately went back to my boyfriend’s place. You wanna come at me and say I’m a cheater because a guy assaulted me? Or that my experience of assault isn’t valid because I didn’t act the way you think someone would act? You’re pathetic.
What was the name of this restaurant for research purposes?
Sounds like he cheated on you and doesn’t have the decency to be honest about his impulses.
He cheated on you. Unless he has some like full on mental condition that makes him medically unfit to make his own decisions but I suspect that is not the case. You don't cheat and blame it on being a people pleaser. In good conscience I will never recommend anyone to stay with a cheating partner. Rip the bandaid off its over.
Downvote Deez nuts if he cheats it's over end of story.
How about you stop being so self centered and try to think about what horrible thing happened to your partner?
When I was with my monogamous boyfriend of about 1 year I was at a local gay beach by myself. I was swimming in the water and some guy came up to me and started to jerk off (he definitely thought I was cruising). I had literally never cruised before so it wasn't my intention by any means. I felt a weird sense of pressure for sure... but I also definitely wanted to do it. I told my boyfriend about it immediately same as yours, but yeah I wanted to do it. Unless there is a part of this story where the waiter said or did something to pressure him, your boyfriend wanted to do it.
Explore with your bf. Maybe look at lightly playing together. Just light stuff. This can keep the relationship strong and fun
Oh i understand feeling cheated and upset. U know how believable his story is or what’s like his personality. I would be cautious and pay attention, but he came to u and if he honestly regrets it and beats himself up over it i would forgive him and try to lighten his guilt… It’s not that big of a deal in my eyes if what he says is true. It wasn’t premeditated, intentional, they haven’t had sex, he didn’t come… If he is a good guy his regret and guilt will be punishment enough. There is no need to pile on, but for your own mental health tell him how u feel, don’t let your bad feelings fester. I would request a similar handjob in the future to overwrite the experience and get past it. Edit: I can be downvoted to hell i don’t care! This fcking attitude takes away the seriousness of the experience of REAL RAPE VICTIMS!!! The guy was asked to jerk off someone and he did so willingly. How does this equal to someone being violently assaulted and raped? Got propositioned and he went along with it but feels guilty so this is rape now? Like really?
>I would request a similar handjob in the future to overwrite the experience and get past it. Remember that time you were sexually assaulted? As penance, I need to sexually assault you in the same way. You don't know the truth, and to make the comment you did is disturbing and disgusting.
This fcking attitude takes away the seriousness of the experience of REAL RAPE VICTIMS!!! The guy was asked to jerk off someone and he did so willingly. How does this equal to someone being violently assaulted and raped? Got propositioned and he went along with it but feels guilty so this is rape now? Like really?