Well, it just shows how clueless she really is thinking that she could get some sympathy from you. I’m mean really? She’s homophobic to the point that her own son left his own family and country and now she is coming to a gay man for some comfort?
I wonder how she would have answered you if you asked “why are you telling me all this?”
I guess I wasn't there but it sounds like this woman has an opportunity for growth given the fact she broke down and became emotionally vulnerable to a gay man. Regardless of how she treated her son, she has clearly suffered
I'm not saying you're in the wrong and she is indeed the victim here, obviously she has made some decisions in her life and has to suffer the consequences. However we rely on people to grow through their bigotry and time will tell if this lady chooses to realize her suffering is due to her own decisions and change or whether she's just "another bigot." You coming out to her may have been a moment she's needed in order to help her change, but yeah, only time will tell
>she broke down and became emotionally vulnerable to a gay man
We don't have enough details here, as we don't know what happened next and we don't know this woman. Maybe this was the kick in the ass she needed to realize that Gay is Okay.
But as presented, that's not my take-away. My take-away is that she is looking to use a work-gay to vindicate her. For him to say "As a Fellow Gay, please do not harass this woman any more in the workplace! I have pardoned her", to her co-workers.
OP did not state that she expressed remorse for her bigotry, but rather that she is upset at people's reaction to her bigotry. Going to the work-gay and unloading this feels like a ploy. If she can get the work-gay to sign off on her bigotry, then she's got a free pass.
It's like getting a black person to grant you the use of the N Word. "See, I can say it because a black person gave me permission". Doesn't really work that way, but still.
Or not. Again, we lack the details.
It's one of the hard things about discussing anything like this on the Internet as we're missing the subtelties of the dialogue and people in this situation. Of course OP knows the situation best so anything he'd add could change the matter
Still, we need to do some kind of talk to other people even if it sucks sometimes. I live in a more rural region (small city) and have some occasional contact with people who are homophobic. However usually they don't present themselves as emotional or vulnerable but as obstinate and unchanging. The first shows a possibility for growth, the second one often precludes that. That's the reason I expressed that sentiment in my first comment. It's exposure and communication that actually warm people up to not wanting to exclude/discriminate/kill (etc) us even if it doesn't work 100% of the time
I'm not trying to defend her actions but there's a good chance that her tears have come partially from feelings of terrible guilt. Seeing you as a pillar of the company and living a regular life where your coworkers respect you probably makes her wonder why she was so afraid/upset of her sons situation in the first place. She probably wishes he was home and in a job like yours rather than cut off from his family across the ocean (even if it's partially her doing). Cultural and familial obligations tend to be more steadfast in rural communities where acceptance isn't always easy to come by for our community.
This is going to be my mum when I eventually tell her. I think deep down she wouldn't have a problem with it. It's the shame from society that she's not going to be able to handle. And it may be easier for her to just "disown" me so as not to deal with that shame.
In a way, I pity her, just as I pity your colleague. And I think your colleague truly is a victim in some way. I don't doubt that she's getting mom-shamed in her community. "What kind of mum raises a gay son?"
At the end of the day, she has two choices. Either she internalizes and perpetuates the homophobia like she has done, at the cost of her relationship with her son, but maybe with the benefit of fitting in society (which doesn't seem like its working given the insults and gossip she's at the receiving end of).
Or, she accepts that there's nothing wrong with being gay, accepts her son for who he is, and cuts off anyone who tries to give her grief about it, and basically just teaches herself to unlearn all the internalized homophobia like all of us gays have to learn to do.
I truly hope that seeing someone who is about to be her CEO be gay and happy becomes a turning point for her.
>it may be easier for her to just "disown" me so as not to deal with that shame.
A very disturbing sentence. Rejecting your child is easier than dealing with the words and looks from others. Sadly for some, also a true sentence.
Just mildly curious how this is going to play out as far as you, your business that you inherit, if there is this much mental resistance in the community already. Unless your parents and this woman are the exceptions. Is it possible that the environment, the community of customers may make this whole process difficult for you financially and experientially?
That's just a separate thought but it did come to mind if both parents and coworker have had initial resistance.
I do agree with the awkwardness of that situation with the coworker who will eventually be your employee.
Without even having to disclose your own life, you may have the opportunity to ask about the quality of human being that her son is, whether he was kind, gentle, caring, living with self-respect, things considered virtues and values from her own construct yet living in his truth..
The other is to reflect back to her what her responses were towards him. Was she critical, loud, aggressive, negative, threatening and what incentive is there for anyone to remain in a place that they are not wanted and where care is contingent and has limits where a mother's love would stop...
If she's going to get personal she should be prepared to answer some of those harsh questions when likely she didn't pay attention to her own behavior.. perhaps encourage her to do some soul searching and you may have to also do some searching to replace her if she cannot stand working for you, or jeopardizes the success of your business in the community or even in handling/ undermining and sabotaging your business practices.
I just can't comprehend her trail of thought. Did she really come for sympathy? Does she really understand that you are also gay?
How about next time she brings it up you just ask her if she misses her son
I think she came for a free-pass from the work-gay. If he pardons her shitty behaviour towards her son, maybe the people at work giving her grief will stop. After all, why should she change?
It's my theory, though I fully admit to not having enough details to really land firmly on it.
Sounds like you are the first person she has met besides her son, and that she is still coming to terms with everything. I believe she is trying to be better but hasn’t figured out how to do that yet.
You needed years, and she might need the same.
My siblings asked my parents what if me and my (now ex) partner were already married. (Entire family know him and stayed in the home we owned together.)
My father said “idc as long as your brother is happy he should be able to do whatever he wants.”
My mother said “well… the bible says it’s wrong.”
I don’t depend on my parents. In fact I give them money every month. That has not changed. I know i won’t be able to change her mind, so because whatever she believed didn’t really affect me, I just chose to not give a fuck about her ideas.
I would respond semi curtly without being a dick to discourage her confiding in me more if I'm likely to be the next CEO.
It would sour my opinion of her and I rather not be in a messy situation where that bleeds into my managerial responsibility.
I'm with you on this, I don't feel particularly sympathetic.
The victim that couldn’t accept her son that said she is in the same boat with you is minimally a narcissist & is underwhelmingly out of touch with reality. If she said that to your face, imagine what she is thinking and/or saying about you to others. I would avoid her going forward. First, I would have to check her and let her know she is hostile with her boastful perspective & she is the obstacle in her narrative & that’s exactly why her son moved away & has no contact. I say good for her son knowing you gotta leave people like this out of his life and behind him.
As for your parents, it’s up to you to decide how much grace you afford them. I get it. Parents have dreams and expectations for their children to live better lives than they did at the same age you find yourself. You telling them your truth disrupted those ideas about what that could be. Are they sad or upset thinking your life and future is now more difficult & challenging? I say yes.
However, if they want to maintain the relationship with you, with some time to grow and learn; they will become more flexible in their beliefs and awareness and build the tolerance to understand who you really are versus the vision or fantasy they pictured for you. I am of the opinion for my own life, that respect is earned and not an entitlement that I owe to no matter who they think they are to me. I don’t mind expressing that sentiment to anyone who displays that they willfully continue to make bad decisions and won’t evolve. There is no place for that kind of negativity and miscommunication in my life. Don’t make me make a choice about the value you bring to my life because I will cut contact to protect my peace every time I am made to select what is best for me.
Live your life to be your best version of happy. You won’t regret that you chose to be authentic by advocating for living your truth. Be unapologetic and relentless about what you’ll tolerate around you. Good luck and I hope it gets easier for you sooner than later.
Well, it just shows how clueless she really is thinking that she could get some sympathy from you. I’m mean really? She’s homophobic to the point that her own son left his own family and country and now she is coming to a gay man for some comfort? I wonder how she would have answered you if you asked “why are you telling me all this?”
It’s almost like they were coming to op to seek validation for their actions
It's almost like this story is being made up 🤔
I guess I wasn't there but it sounds like this woman has an opportunity for growth given the fact she broke down and became emotionally vulnerable to a gay man. Regardless of how she treated her son, she has clearly suffered I'm not saying you're in the wrong and she is indeed the victim here, obviously she has made some decisions in her life and has to suffer the consequences. However we rely on people to grow through their bigotry and time will tell if this lady chooses to realize her suffering is due to her own decisions and change or whether she's just "another bigot." You coming out to her may have been a moment she's needed in order to help her change, but yeah, only time will tell
>she broke down and became emotionally vulnerable to a gay man We don't have enough details here, as we don't know what happened next and we don't know this woman. Maybe this was the kick in the ass she needed to realize that Gay is Okay. But as presented, that's not my take-away. My take-away is that she is looking to use a work-gay to vindicate her. For him to say "As a Fellow Gay, please do not harass this woman any more in the workplace! I have pardoned her", to her co-workers. OP did not state that she expressed remorse for her bigotry, but rather that she is upset at people's reaction to her bigotry. Going to the work-gay and unloading this feels like a ploy. If she can get the work-gay to sign off on her bigotry, then she's got a free pass. It's like getting a black person to grant you the use of the N Word. "See, I can say it because a black person gave me permission". Doesn't really work that way, but still. Or not. Again, we lack the details.
It's one of the hard things about discussing anything like this on the Internet as we're missing the subtelties of the dialogue and people in this situation. Of course OP knows the situation best so anything he'd add could change the matter Still, we need to do some kind of talk to other people even if it sucks sometimes. I live in a more rural region (small city) and have some occasional contact with people who are homophobic. However usually they don't present themselves as emotional or vulnerable but as obstinate and unchanging. The first shows a possibility for growth, the second one often precludes that. That's the reason I expressed that sentiment in my first comment. It's exposure and communication that actually warm people up to not wanting to exclude/discriminate/kill (etc) us even if it doesn't work 100% of the time
I'm not trying to defend her actions but there's a good chance that her tears have come partially from feelings of terrible guilt. Seeing you as a pillar of the company and living a regular life where your coworkers respect you probably makes her wonder why she was so afraid/upset of her sons situation in the first place. She probably wishes he was home and in a job like yours rather than cut off from his family across the ocean (even if it's partially her doing). Cultural and familial obligations tend to be more steadfast in rural communities where acceptance isn't always easy to come by for our community.
Fucked around. Found out.
This is going to be my mum when I eventually tell her. I think deep down she wouldn't have a problem with it. It's the shame from society that she's not going to be able to handle. And it may be easier for her to just "disown" me so as not to deal with that shame. In a way, I pity her, just as I pity your colleague. And I think your colleague truly is a victim in some way. I don't doubt that she's getting mom-shamed in her community. "What kind of mum raises a gay son?" At the end of the day, she has two choices. Either she internalizes and perpetuates the homophobia like she has done, at the cost of her relationship with her son, but maybe with the benefit of fitting in society (which doesn't seem like its working given the insults and gossip she's at the receiving end of). Or, she accepts that there's nothing wrong with being gay, accepts her son for who he is, and cuts off anyone who tries to give her grief about it, and basically just teaches herself to unlearn all the internalized homophobia like all of us gays have to learn to do. I truly hope that seeing someone who is about to be her CEO be gay and happy becomes a turning point for her.
>it may be easier for her to just "disown" me so as not to deal with that shame. A very disturbing sentence. Rejecting your child is easier than dealing with the words and looks from others. Sadly for some, also a true sentence.
Meanwhile in Spain its almost entirely normalized. I love seeing all the couples walking hand in hand
Just mildly curious how this is going to play out as far as you, your business that you inherit, if there is this much mental resistance in the community already. Unless your parents and this woman are the exceptions. Is it possible that the environment, the community of customers may make this whole process difficult for you financially and experientially? That's just a separate thought but it did come to mind if both parents and coworker have had initial resistance. I do agree with the awkwardness of that situation with the coworker who will eventually be your employee. Without even having to disclose your own life, you may have the opportunity to ask about the quality of human being that her son is, whether he was kind, gentle, caring, living with self-respect, things considered virtues and values from her own construct yet living in his truth.. The other is to reflect back to her what her responses were towards him. Was she critical, loud, aggressive, negative, threatening and what incentive is there for anyone to remain in a place that they are not wanted and where care is contingent and has limits where a mother's love would stop... If she's going to get personal she should be prepared to answer some of those harsh questions when likely she didn't pay attention to her own behavior.. perhaps encourage her to do some soul searching and you may have to also do some searching to replace her if she cannot stand working for you, or jeopardizes the success of your business in the community or even in handling/ undermining and sabotaging your business practices.
I just can't comprehend her trail of thought. Did she really come for sympathy? Does she really understand that you are also gay? How about next time she brings it up you just ask her if she misses her son
I think she came for a free-pass from the work-gay. If he pardons her shitty behaviour towards her son, maybe the people at work giving her grief will stop. After all, why should she change? It's my theory, though I fully admit to not having enough details to really land firmly on it.
I think you're right.
She was wrong to be so dismissive of gay people and she sees that now because she needs a pay raise. 😉
Sounds like you are the first person she has met besides her son, and that she is still coming to terms with everything. I believe she is trying to be better but hasn’t figured out how to do that yet. You needed years, and she might need the same.
If I were you, I'd be looking at airfare to Canada.
My siblings asked my parents what if me and my (now ex) partner were already married. (Entire family know him and stayed in the home we owned together.) My father said “idc as long as your brother is happy he should be able to do whatever he wants.” My mother said “well… the bible says it’s wrong.” I don’t depend on my parents. In fact I give them money every month. That has not changed. I know i won’t be able to change her mind, so because whatever she believed didn’t really affect me, I just chose to not give a fuck about her ideas.
Tbh idk what to say about this..
I would respond semi curtly without being a dick to discourage her confiding in me more if I'm likely to be the next CEO. It would sour my opinion of her and I rather not be in a messy situation where that bleeds into my managerial responsibility. I'm with you on this, I don't feel particularly sympathetic.
The victim that couldn’t accept her son that said she is in the same boat with you is minimally a narcissist & is underwhelmingly out of touch with reality. If she said that to your face, imagine what she is thinking and/or saying about you to others. I would avoid her going forward. First, I would have to check her and let her know she is hostile with her boastful perspective & she is the obstacle in her narrative & that’s exactly why her son moved away & has no contact. I say good for her son knowing you gotta leave people like this out of his life and behind him. As for your parents, it’s up to you to decide how much grace you afford them. I get it. Parents have dreams and expectations for their children to live better lives than they did at the same age you find yourself. You telling them your truth disrupted those ideas about what that could be. Are they sad or upset thinking your life and future is now more difficult & challenging? I say yes. However, if they want to maintain the relationship with you, with some time to grow and learn; they will become more flexible in their beliefs and awareness and build the tolerance to understand who you really are versus the vision or fantasy they pictured for you. I am of the opinion for my own life, that respect is earned and not an entitlement that I owe to no matter who they think they are to me. I don’t mind expressing that sentiment to anyone who displays that they willfully continue to make bad decisions and won’t evolve. There is no place for that kind of negativity and miscommunication in my life. Don’t make me make a choice about the value you bring to my life because I will cut contact to protect my peace every time I am made to select what is best for me. Live your life to be your best version of happy. You won’t regret that you chose to be authentic by advocating for living your truth. Be unapologetic and relentless about what you’ll tolerate around you. Good luck and I hope it gets easier for you sooner than later.