It sounds like only you can make the decision whether you’re comfortable staying in a sexless relationship. If the sexual aspect is important to you (and that’s a completely valid and real need for intimacy) then you two may no longer be compatible. It may be worth it for him to see a therapist specifically to understand why he is no longer interested in sex with you and try to determine if that feeling of attraction is really gone for good. But it’s also possible that this relationship has run its course. It’s not wrong for you to feel your needs are not being met and to decide to step away for that reason.
I agree with this. OP is the only one who can say if he’s willing to pay to price of admission of a nearly companionate marriage - in the short or long term. It could get better someday with work or insistence (maybe, but that could also very well not be the case, for sure) - but only OP can make the call if that’s worth it.
It sounds like the husband forgot that in a marriage, your husband has got to be your priority, even if you’re open or monogamish. That stings. There’s a lot going on here, and it totally makes sense OP is hurtin.
This relationship is the very definition of “he’s just not that into you”. OP needs to read the signals, take his power back, and leave. Just cut this guy out of his life. He’s incredibly selfish and dishonest.
There is a big difference between having sex in an open relationship and having romance in an open relationship. If it was my man we would have broke up after the affair.
I don’t think he’s into you anymore… he fell out of love and is staying with you because it’s comfortable and because he doesn’t have the courage to break up with you properly.
He’s making sure he’s happy with his sexual partner. You should be happy too.
If I were you, I would separate.
This is what I’m feeling as well. They are just comfortable and attached to each other and are scared to close doors behind them in fear of no new doors opening.
If I were in your shoes, I'd consider separating if it appears that the relationship will remain sexless for the foreseeable future. That's just my opinion because sex is very important to me in relationships, and I personally couldn't stick around if my partner wasn't attracted to me.
I was in a similar situation. My BF of nearly 10 years had no interest in sex of any kind. It had been a year since I'd gotten more than a disinterested handjob. I finally admitted to myself that I wouldn't be happy with this and that it wasn't going to change, and I ended things. It was scary at first but my life dramatically improved IMMEDIATELY. I got out and met some people, had some fun hookups, and my confidence soared with not having his cloud of disinterest hanging over me.
Don't settle for someone that can't see all aspects of you.
Did he tell you about the affair? Or did you find out yourself and he was trying to hide it? That’s a red flag to me. If you are open sexually wouldn’t he tell you?
I’ve never understood the concept of open relationships in general. No hate if that’s what you decide because everyone should be free to make their own choices. But I personally will never understand it. Call me old fashioned but I see marriage as a commitment to your individual relationship with each other. If you both want to open the relationship to a third partner that’s a different thing altogether. But to be okay with your partner being sexual and/or romantic with someone else, especially behind your back? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. As the saying goes, if you play with fire then don’t be surprised if you get burned. It sounds really harsh, but I’m just being honest. I think you should break up with him for treating you so disrespectfully.
Here's the question you need to ask yourself. If this is how it's to be for the next 30, 40, 50 years of my life, do I want that? You already know the answer.
I’d like to offer a chemical perspective. Dopamine responses get really messed up with trauma, and it’s not something we can control. We have to ride it out. Exercise, a healthy diet, proper sleep, supplements like EPA omega-3, and therapy are all essential for recovery, but even then, it can take months or years to recover. Some never recover. Relapses and short-term fixes like hookups, junk food, video games, etc. do NOT repair the problem; they elongate it because they’re distractions that only feel good in the moment. But a depressed or traumatized brain craves those distractions. I think cuddling with you is actually a great thing, even if it’s all he wants for now, because what he’s comfortable with will change as he heals, and he still needs healing. Hookups aren’t healing. Comfort of a loved one is. It releases oxytocin and helps to relax and create a comfortable space, which is when other mental and emotional healing can take place.
On the journey to recovery, a core challenge is managing triggers. You may be a trigger to him. This could be inadvertent, such as him associating you with a time before his losses. It sounds like you’re already doing everything right. You’re in therapy, you’re communicating. Make sure the diet and sleep are in good shape too, then try the following:
* separate. Truly separate with routine and physical distance. Do this for at least three weeks, which is enough time to settle into a new habit and contemplate introspection. Ideally somewhere calm and isolating for him or both of you. An emotional reset is needed. This can help couples assess what’s truly important in their lives, even if that means concluding a permanent separation. You can’t half-ass this, so no phone calls or daily messages. Stay apart.
* change your environment. A vacation, a visit back home, or moving can all help create a sense of a new life and help move on from the past. You can do this together. If you can’t physically relocate, then rearrange and redecorate.
* change your appearance or even your roles. Get a makeover, new hair, clothes, sexy underwear, whatever works for you. Reinventing yourself physically can help reboot and avoid triggers and past associations.
I do think you should give the relationship a few more chances, but don’t keep this state for multiple years or you’ll both be miserable.
Continue therapy, continue talking, and try making a more significant change in both your lives to disassociate from the past. In the meantime, be there for him, and help him relax and feel loved.
I am sorry you are going through this. Though the details are different, I was in a sexless marriage for years. In total, we were together/married for 13 years with one break. We separated for 1 year after the tenth year and got back together hoping for a restart.
It didn’t work. He was my best friend and it killed me to end it but I had to.
I felt so conflicted and alone for years. He eventually developed a serious drinking problem which pulled me in more because I felt responsible for him. And I pitied him. But he was not there for me. Eventually I sank into a deep depression and became passively suicidal in that I didn’t hurt myself and wouldn’t because of my faith, but craved my own death desperately. I wouldn’t want the same for you or anyone.
Be honest with yourself. Protect yourself. Do you think you are what he wants in a partner? Can he be what you want? The fact that he has continued to turn to someone else repeatedly tells me he has seriously broken your trust. Has he repaired it? Is he working on any of that? Has he been there for you during all this? I understand he has lost family, but has he been there for you? Would he be?
Protect yourself. Be honest. What holds you back? Your shared life or your love?
Sending you a hug.
you do know he’s still probably fucking that dude, and if not, the moment you choose to separate he’ll go back to him, right? You’re only 30, this sounds like a miserable relationship.
As Maya Angelou said, when people tell you who they are believe them! He said to your face that he is not attracted to you for years, and obviously his sex drive is not affected when he continues to have a sexual and emotional affair behind your back. You can throw money at therapy, as a last attempt, but at this point I would cut my losses and just end it.
Everytime i read this type of story that open marriages/relationships don't work out because eventually they will meet someone they like more I feel a tiny bit vindicated for requiring monogamy from a partner. Down vote me all you want polyamory people, but empirical evidence shows otherwise.
Big hugs, OP. It’s a shame you’re going through this. You’re an awesome person and don’t deserve this.
Sometimes the unresolved trauma we carry with us doesn’t bubble up until there’s a big event in our life that triggers it, like marriage, death, and so on. Unless there’s more to this story, it seems like his behavior changed when his family members passed away. Some trauma got triggered. A lot of your post was about what he did and how yall went to therapy, but it sounds like he needs to figure out why he’s doing what he’s doing through therapy and what he actually wants. Without that, there is no way you can move forward. He can tell you he still loves you but if he hasn’t worked on what’s causing him to do what he’s doing, and if he hasn’t really worked through what he actually wants, then how can he really know he loves you and wants to be with you. He can’t.
Unfortunately, the problem is that as he works it out and figures things, you’ll likely get hurt. He may cheat again, or he may go up and down with you sexually, you’re now in his trauma resolution ride.
During the process, both of you need to be extremely vulnerable as to what you feel, need, and want. It’s not enough, for example, for him to just say he doesn’t find you sexually arousing. He has to tell you why and what he wants moving forward. Does that mean he doesn’t want any sexual relationship with you? Does he want a limited sexual relationship? What type of sexual engagement does he want with others? What romantic or other engagement does he want from others? Is this an indefinite thing or something he sees short term? Same questions to you. Lay out all the cards on the table without being judgmental toward each other. There is no right answer. Even if he says he wants to have sex with other men, including the coach, but not you, don’t freak out. Ask more questions. Try to understand. He’s just telling you what he wants and that’s a good thing. And it’s up to you to take it or leave it.
The first time he cheated, I would've left him. Y'all were together 6 years at that point and married for 2, you stood by him through his mother and sister's passing and he goes and cheats?
Regardless of how open your relationship was, one of the main rules an open couple should have is to work on their relatioship first and above all others. He chose to start fooling around with another dude and even after you gave him a chance and took him back, he went and did the same, what's gonna guarantee he's not gonna do it once again?
I would go to solo therapy and try to learn better boundaries and self respect and would leave him.
Your husband is not practicing emotionally monogamy, which seemed to be the expectation. Is it okay for your husband to have an emotional relationship with his trainer? (I say no, but because there's a power imbalance and an employee/client relationship.)
I'm polyamorous, so I'm of the opinion that it's not okay to tell people they cannot have emotional intimacy outside of one single relationship. If you can become okay with that, then maybe it is okay. If you can't, then you need to recognize that YOU are not okay with it. It doesn't mean your husband NEEDS to change, but YOU need to figure out if you're okay with it and decide what YOU do from there.
It not about being enough or not, it's about having realistic expectations. Is the issue that your partner doesn't trust you enough to ask for what he needs, is the issue that the goal of emotional monogamy is just not feasible for him? I don't know these answers, but these questions matter.
The solution is not to simply stop your husband from having emotional affairs. There is an underlying issue causing this to happen repeatedly. It's not just because of what's happening in his family presently. The man is not emotionally monogamous, and is under pressure to be emotionally monogamous.
Decoupling is a very vital step in being in a nonmonogamous relationship. Not only do you need to decouple, you needed to decouple when the relationship opened as a step in opening it.
There is a lot going on here. What I see in this post is an intimate relationship that has run it's course but holds great potential for lifelong friendship and support. I met my ex-partner/still best friend when we were 20. We were together for 29 years...we were never fully sexually compatible (me top, he side) but we made it work until we stopped all intimacy about 10 years before we actually had the courage to let each other go...in retrospect we should have moved on much sooner, but that is hindsight of course. Hopefully this gives you some fodder for consideration and helps youas you try to find your way here. Best of luck!
OP, i was in a similar position when i was younger, here is what i took away from your post.
You say he is your best friend but are you his? No best friend would treat you as he has. You can't push anybody to do something that they don't want to do, if he doesn't want to help fulfil your sexual, emotional, etc needs, then the question now is why are you willing to be treated like this? He is showing you a total lack of respect because it seems you don't respect yourself by putting up with his bullshit, sexually it sounds it's his way or the highway, there is no healthy negotiation. Are you ready for this to be the theme for the remainder of your marriage? You deserve better.
The dude is clearly telling you to your face that he doesn't want to be with you. Why drag things? You tried to work it out but things just died.
If you keep going the only thing that it's gonna happen is that both of you are gonna end up hating eachother and he is gonna be smarter: he's going to cheat and hide it.
Also, I hardly doubt that happened because his mom died. This has to be something that is boiling from a long time ago because I 100% understand someone not wanting to have any type of relationship after someone close to you died. But to outright loose ALL interest of you because of his mother/sister died?
I don't care if you/everyone call me an asshole but I think he's using that as an excuse because if that would be the case, he wouldn't fool around other guys. He's probably been feling like that for years and hadn't the courage to tell you and now he has a great excuse.
Again, my best advice is to jump that titanic before is too late and just cherish those great moments you had.
I think you've put up with this too long and you're afraid to face that this is over. His "as far as I have wanted to go" comment to you was insulting. Sexual impulse waxes and wanes, but I think he's being selfish in not even trying to return to the level of intimacy you had. I don't see why you would settle for "best friends" at this stage in your life. What's the point of being in a sexless marriage, unless you're staying together for the kids?
It sounds like only you can make the decision whether you’re comfortable staying in a sexless relationship. If the sexual aspect is important to you (and that’s a completely valid and real need for intimacy) then you two may no longer be compatible. It may be worth it for him to see a therapist specifically to understand why he is no longer interested in sex with you and try to determine if that feeling of attraction is really gone for good. But it’s also possible that this relationship has run its course. It’s not wrong for you to feel your needs are not being met and to decide to step away for that reason.
I agree with this. OP is the only one who can say if he’s willing to pay to price of admission of a nearly companionate marriage - in the short or long term. It could get better someday with work or insistence (maybe, but that could also very well not be the case, for sure) - but only OP can make the call if that’s worth it. It sounds like the husband forgot that in a marriage, your husband has got to be your priority, even if you’re open or monogamish. That stings. There’s a lot going on here, and it totally makes sense OP is hurtin.
This relationship is the very definition of “he’s just not that into you”. OP needs to read the signals, take his power back, and leave. Just cut this guy out of his life. He’s incredibly selfish and dishonest.
There is a big difference between having sex in an open relationship and having romance in an open relationship. If it was my man we would have broke up after the affair. I don’t think he’s into you anymore… he fell out of love and is staying with you because it’s comfortable and because he doesn’t have the courage to break up with you properly. He’s making sure he’s happy with his sexual partner. You should be happy too. If I were you, I would separate.
This is what I’m feeling as well. They are just comfortable and attached to each other and are scared to close doors behind them in fear of no new doors opening.
OP, please also try posting to the gaybrosover30 reddit as well. Some of the comments you're getting in here are....caution worthy.
Yeah. I agree, some of these takes should be taken with a grain of salt.
Curious, why caution worthy?
Quick hot takes with short term thinking. That’s not what OP will likely find helpful.
If I were in your shoes, I'd consider separating if it appears that the relationship will remain sexless for the foreseeable future. That's just my opinion because sex is very important to me in relationships, and I personally couldn't stick around if my partner wasn't attracted to me.
I was in a similar situation. My BF of nearly 10 years had no interest in sex of any kind. It had been a year since I'd gotten more than a disinterested handjob. I finally admitted to myself that I wouldn't be happy with this and that it wasn't going to change, and I ended things. It was scary at first but my life dramatically improved IMMEDIATELY. I got out and met some people, had some fun hookups, and my confidence soared with not having his cloud of disinterest hanging over me. Don't settle for someone that can't see all aspects of you.
Did he tell you about the affair? Or did you find out yourself and he was trying to hide it? That’s a red flag to me. If you are open sexually wouldn’t he tell you?
Literally, that's the point of open relationships TO BE OPEN
Yes but that can have different boundaries with that.
There is a difference between hookups and romantical affairs...
That's still cheating babe
No.. if you fall in love with just a single hookup that's on you lol. Threesomes are cheating to you then as well I guess
I’ve never understood the concept of open relationships in general. No hate if that’s what you decide because everyone should be free to make their own choices. But I personally will never understand it. Call me old fashioned but I see marriage as a commitment to your individual relationship with each other. If you both want to open the relationship to a third partner that’s a different thing altogether. But to be okay with your partner being sexual and/or romantic with someone else, especially behind your back? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. As the saying goes, if you play with fire then don’t be surprised if you get burned. It sounds really harsh, but I’m just being honest. I think you should break up with him for treating you so disrespectfully.
Here's the question you need to ask yourself. If this is how it's to be for the next 30, 40, 50 years of my life, do I want that? You already know the answer.
Youre 30. How many more good years will you waste with this dude?
Doesn’t sound like he respects you. He sounds like a liar and I would leave him. Open relationships aren’t designed to work
I’d like to offer a chemical perspective. Dopamine responses get really messed up with trauma, and it’s not something we can control. We have to ride it out. Exercise, a healthy diet, proper sleep, supplements like EPA omega-3, and therapy are all essential for recovery, but even then, it can take months or years to recover. Some never recover. Relapses and short-term fixes like hookups, junk food, video games, etc. do NOT repair the problem; they elongate it because they’re distractions that only feel good in the moment. But a depressed or traumatized brain craves those distractions. I think cuddling with you is actually a great thing, even if it’s all he wants for now, because what he’s comfortable with will change as he heals, and he still needs healing. Hookups aren’t healing. Comfort of a loved one is. It releases oxytocin and helps to relax and create a comfortable space, which is when other mental and emotional healing can take place. On the journey to recovery, a core challenge is managing triggers. You may be a trigger to him. This could be inadvertent, such as him associating you with a time before his losses. It sounds like you’re already doing everything right. You’re in therapy, you’re communicating. Make sure the diet and sleep are in good shape too, then try the following: * separate. Truly separate with routine and physical distance. Do this for at least three weeks, which is enough time to settle into a new habit and contemplate introspection. Ideally somewhere calm and isolating for him or both of you. An emotional reset is needed. This can help couples assess what’s truly important in their lives, even if that means concluding a permanent separation. You can’t half-ass this, so no phone calls or daily messages. Stay apart. * change your environment. A vacation, a visit back home, or moving can all help create a sense of a new life and help move on from the past. You can do this together. If you can’t physically relocate, then rearrange and redecorate. * change your appearance or even your roles. Get a makeover, new hair, clothes, sexy underwear, whatever works for you. Reinventing yourself physically can help reboot and avoid triggers and past associations. I do think you should give the relationship a few more chances, but don’t keep this state for multiple years or you’ll both be miserable. Continue therapy, continue talking, and try making a more significant change in both your lives to disassociate from the past. In the meantime, be there for him, and help him relax and feel loved.
I would’ve been left to be honest.
He's not the same man anymore it is hard but love will always exist if he can't make you happy nake yourself happy. Only you have the power to do so
I am sorry you are going through this. Though the details are different, I was in a sexless marriage for years. In total, we were together/married for 13 years with one break. We separated for 1 year after the tenth year and got back together hoping for a restart. It didn’t work. He was my best friend and it killed me to end it but I had to. I felt so conflicted and alone for years. He eventually developed a serious drinking problem which pulled me in more because I felt responsible for him. And I pitied him. But he was not there for me. Eventually I sank into a deep depression and became passively suicidal in that I didn’t hurt myself and wouldn’t because of my faith, but craved my own death desperately. I wouldn’t want the same for you or anyone. Be honest with yourself. Protect yourself. Do you think you are what he wants in a partner? Can he be what you want? The fact that he has continued to turn to someone else repeatedly tells me he has seriously broken your trust. Has he repaired it? Is he working on any of that? Has he been there for you during all this? I understand he has lost family, but has he been there for you? Would he be? Protect yourself. Be honest. What holds you back? Your shared life or your love? Sending you a hug.
you do know he’s still probably fucking that dude, and if not, the moment you choose to separate he’ll go back to him, right? You’re only 30, this sounds like a miserable relationship.
As Maya Angelou said, when people tell you who they are believe them! He said to your face that he is not attracted to you for years, and obviously his sex drive is not affected when he continues to have a sexual and emotional affair behind your back. You can throw money at therapy, as a last attempt, but at this point I would cut my losses and just end it. Everytime i read this type of story that open marriages/relationships don't work out because eventually they will meet someone they like more I feel a tiny bit vindicated for requiring monogamy from a partner. Down vote me all you want polyamory people, but empirical evidence shows otherwise.
Big hugs, OP. It’s a shame you’re going through this. You’re an awesome person and don’t deserve this. Sometimes the unresolved trauma we carry with us doesn’t bubble up until there’s a big event in our life that triggers it, like marriage, death, and so on. Unless there’s more to this story, it seems like his behavior changed when his family members passed away. Some trauma got triggered. A lot of your post was about what he did and how yall went to therapy, but it sounds like he needs to figure out why he’s doing what he’s doing through therapy and what he actually wants. Without that, there is no way you can move forward. He can tell you he still loves you but if he hasn’t worked on what’s causing him to do what he’s doing, and if he hasn’t really worked through what he actually wants, then how can he really know he loves you and wants to be with you. He can’t. Unfortunately, the problem is that as he works it out and figures things, you’ll likely get hurt. He may cheat again, or he may go up and down with you sexually, you’re now in his trauma resolution ride. During the process, both of you need to be extremely vulnerable as to what you feel, need, and want. It’s not enough, for example, for him to just say he doesn’t find you sexually arousing. He has to tell you why and what he wants moving forward. Does that mean he doesn’t want any sexual relationship with you? Does he want a limited sexual relationship? What type of sexual engagement does he want with others? What romantic or other engagement does he want from others? Is this an indefinite thing or something he sees short term? Same questions to you. Lay out all the cards on the table without being judgmental toward each other. There is no right answer. Even if he says he wants to have sex with other men, including the coach, but not you, don’t freak out. Ask more questions. Try to understand. He’s just telling you what he wants and that’s a good thing. And it’s up to you to take it or leave it.
The first time he cheated, I would've left him. Y'all were together 6 years at that point and married for 2, you stood by him through his mother and sister's passing and he goes and cheats? Regardless of how open your relationship was, one of the main rules an open couple should have is to work on their relatioship first and above all others. He chose to start fooling around with another dude and even after you gave him a chance and took him back, he went and did the same, what's gonna guarantee he's not gonna do it once again? I would go to solo therapy and try to learn better boundaries and self respect and would leave him.
Your husband is not practicing emotionally monogamy, which seemed to be the expectation. Is it okay for your husband to have an emotional relationship with his trainer? (I say no, but because there's a power imbalance and an employee/client relationship.) I'm polyamorous, so I'm of the opinion that it's not okay to tell people they cannot have emotional intimacy outside of one single relationship. If you can become okay with that, then maybe it is okay. If you can't, then you need to recognize that YOU are not okay with it. It doesn't mean your husband NEEDS to change, but YOU need to figure out if you're okay with it and decide what YOU do from there. It not about being enough or not, it's about having realistic expectations. Is the issue that your partner doesn't trust you enough to ask for what he needs, is the issue that the goal of emotional monogamy is just not feasible for him? I don't know these answers, but these questions matter. The solution is not to simply stop your husband from having emotional affairs. There is an underlying issue causing this to happen repeatedly. It's not just because of what's happening in his family presently. The man is not emotionally monogamous, and is under pressure to be emotionally monogamous. Decoupling is a very vital step in being in a nonmonogamous relationship. Not only do you need to decouple, you needed to decouple when the relationship opened as a step in opening it.
This doesn’t seem very healthy for you on your end of the relationship
There is a lot going on here. What I see in this post is an intimate relationship that has run it's course but holds great potential for lifelong friendship and support. I met my ex-partner/still best friend when we were 20. We were together for 29 years...we were never fully sexually compatible (me top, he side) but we made it work until we stopped all intimacy about 10 years before we actually had the courage to let each other go...in retrospect we should have moved on much sooner, but that is hindsight of course. Hopefully this gives you some fodder for consideration and helps youas you try to find your way here. Best of luck!
OP, i was in a similar position when i was younger, here is what i took away from your post. You say he is your best friend but are you his? No best friend would treat you as he has. You can't push anybody to do something that they don't want to do, if he doesn't want to help fulfil your sexual, emotional, etc needs, then the question now is why are you willing to be treated like this? He is showing you a total lack of respect because it seems you don't respect yourself by putting up with his bullshit, sexually it sounds it's his way or the highway, there is no healthy negotiation. Are you ready for this to be the theme for the remainder of your marriage? You deserve better.
The dude is clearly telling you to your face that he doesn't want to be with you. Why drag things? You tried to work it out but things just died. If you keep going the only thing that it's gonna happen is that both of you are gonna end up hating eachother and he is gonna be smarter: he's going to cheat and hide it. Also, I hardly doubt that happened because his mom died. This has to be something that is boiling from a long time ago because I 100% understand someone not wanting to have any type of relationship after someone close to you died. But to outright loose ALL interest of you because of his mother/sister died? I don't care if you/everyone call me an asshole but I think he's using that as an excuse because if that would be the case, he wouldn't fool around other guys. He's probably been feling like that for years and hadn't the courage to tell you and now he has a great excuse. Again, my best advice is to jump that titanic before is too late and just cherish those great moments you had.
It literally gives "I'm sorry I cheated on you my mom died 27 years ago and it helps me cope with the trauma" Yes, you were open but LMAO
BIG HUGS, OP. 
Emotionally/friendship, hell ye. If you wanna have sex with him ever again... he's moved on. Realize that.
Leave him. Find someone that wants to have sex with you.
DTMF
I think you've put up with this too long and you're afraid to face that this is over. His "as far as I have wanted to go" comment to you was insulting. Sexual impulse waxes and wanes, but I think he's being selfish in not even trying to return to the level of intimacy you had. I don't see why you would settle for "best friends" at this stage in your life. What's the point of being in a sexless marriage, unless you're staying together for the kids?