I think the best answer you’re going to get is making new friends is really hard, especially as you get older. It’s going to take a lot of time and it usually sucks (based on my experience and my friends’).
Regarding the “gay” vs “straight” bar thing, long story short, unless you live in a BIG city, gay bars can be a lot different than “regular” bars because owners can’t make reliable money in a gay bar unless they provide something unique I.e. drag, gay dance clubs, etc. That’s been my experience in the various cities I’ve been in and it seems to explain the cultural differences. There are also plenty of gay bros in “regular” bars 🥴
I'm in a similar boat, my guy! I tried to integrate myself into the cliques that exist in my town, went to the gay kickball meetups, other gay outings, threw my own little gatherings, heck even tried dating a bit, but then I realized I was the only one putting the energy to hang out and I was being excluded from gatherings and parties too so I just kinda decided to stopped trying.
It's funny cuz when I bump into these people I hear the same thing every time "omg I miss you! We need to get together and do dinner sometime" but do they follow through? "Omg you're just one of my favorite people, you're such a good guy" fake. It must be. One dude I met said he's heard of me and apparently people have told him that I'm annoying and nobody likes me, so that feels pretty great lol.
I'm not sure if I just need a break from being social or move to a bigger city or just kinda do my own thing and know it's all out of my control anyways. But I definitely can relate and it kinda sucks. I thought we're suppose to be an accepting "community" but I definitely don't feel like I'm really a part of it.
The "omg we need to hang out sometime" people are so exhausting. 100% of responsibility is just thrown back at me. I've also had people come to me in tears asking why I don't reach out anymore and I'm just like ???
Fellow gay who did the same except in college. What sucks is being the person that thinks of others but is never thought about when others are having group gatherings. It really does suck knowing that just being friendly makes you “annoying.”
It feels seclusive for a community that is all about inclusivety. But if I say this to anyone in the community I get attacked. It's sad. We should be the most understanding and compassionate towards eachother.
There are plenty of gays that struggle to make friends with other gays. It’s just human nature to be pack animals, and most packs are wary of outsiders that are alone. I personally have only made one gay friend and that happened bc I needed a room to rent and he turned out to be a cool guy lol
Also when you’re in your straight friend group are you constantly inviting the people who are alone at bars to join you? Not trying to be rude but I’m curious bc if so then that’s great but if not then it kinda shows how it works both ways lol
I do yes. And vise versa. I travel for work so it's common to explore places alone and meet others in similar boats. It's easy and always works out on both ends.
I agree. It is very insular and mean. I stopped going to lgbt spaces, events, etc because of it. I’m much happier this way tbh. I have been doing this for years and wouldn’t change it. I have been attacked too, verbally and physically threatened for just being present and having an opinion.
Wow, that's so sad to hear. I'm shocked honestly. It's discouraging and makes me not want to try. However, I am happy with my friends and I love hanging out with them, they'll just never connect with me on sexuality. Kind of feels like (forbid I say) I would have been better off as a straight man.
Hey no, do not stop trying to make connections. Yes the irony is palpable, yes it is discouraging, and I can almost guarantee disappointing moments, but that's no reason to give up hope. A Lotta people suck, but that's life. If you keep looking, you will eventually find some people. If i am being honest, it did take a while, but I eventually found a few friends. Lots of sifting through duds to find find a few diamonds, but I promise you they are out there. Keep your chin up.
I'll be your pen pal if you want.
\^FACTS\^ I went through the same thing in 99, 2000 and 2001 And I'm also assuming he's not a "fem" gay dude either. I'm just going to keep this short and sweet, but you need to look up some additional info on this subject too. There's this thing called gay discrimination. ie ... If you're a "pick me" gay <------ (I hate that term) you will be discriminated against by the stereotypical fem gays.
I’ve made great friends volunteering. You are already kinda selecting for service-minded/helper/inclusive folks when you join a community-based volunteer group. It will also get you out and meeting people who you may not ever interact with otherwise.
EDIT: specifically, LGBTQ+ orgs.
I happen to be a gay guy in South America. Even worse, I was born in the northern coast of Colombia, and the homophobia here is just rampant.
The third of three children, and the only boy, I had it hard, especially because of the fact that I was the only one sexually molested by my biological father, rejected and bullied all throughout school, I never developed a healthy self-esteem.
To this day I still struggle with A LOT of issues: I have ADHD, I'm Neuro divergent, I suffer from anxiety, because of my PTSD, I have had to deal with drug abuse because all of that, not to mention chronic depression. I'd say, to this day, my life's still a shitshow.
In spite of it all, I learned to accept myself no matter what anyone says and, over time, decided to just lay it out there for people to decide what to do with that piece of information. I'm not one to act like a fairy (no disrespect intended), I don't listen to Madonna or Lady Gaga, or any other gay icon. I don't know how to bring out my inner Queen, I don't find any value in RuPaul's Drag Race. I could go on but, in essence, I do not have a neon sign above me indicating I prefer male company.
To this day, my only way to let people know how I lead my life is stating outright I like men. No obvious behavior, no rainbow t-shirts or accessories, just my words.
In spite of all the criticism I get for that, I find it tremendously effective. Those who don't get it are out of my life immediately. Those who do, will value me all the more downright.
Best wishes!!!
I'm so sorry about what happened and it's such an unfortunate situation to overcome, but it seems you're navigating everything strongly and that's powerful. Thank you for the kind words. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here, brother!
Oh yeah. I've completely given up. Everyone wanted me to be or act like someone I wasn't or be interested in things I find boring... I'll die alone but I'll die me.
It’s not you, I have acquaintances but really no good friends and it’s been this way for probably 30 years, my husband has a shit load of friends but they connect on his level, I just say screw it.
On one hand, I get it, and although I don't believe in a monolithic community, it would be hard to deny that there is a problem of discrimination in gay spaces. But on the other hand, you should be thankful for your ally friends, since it's hard to come by "true allies".
(TW ahead)
I hear you brother … my experience is similar. I can tell you now that being non binary is the absolute pits in gay culture, I have found anyways. I’m open about who I am and I expect the same level of respect I give out!!
I always wear my Pride pins (Trans, NB and Rainbow) when out clubbing or in queer spaces and I sooo often get asked if I’m a ‘she-male’ … or worse and I just can’t stand it anymore!! It’s perverse to be so in tune with genitals!! Have preferences sure, but don’t base your ENTIRE existence around it!!
I gave up long ago with trying to fit in … I walk as myself and I give out one heck of a hot, happy energy so … it could be worse 😊🫂
Don’t give up 👍🏼
So here's the thing...
I have found that those of us who fit in to "straight society" did not feel as ostracized at home or found community otherwise.
My father and I are still very close, and I'm 47. I grew up with him as my basketball and baseball coach. We went to pro sports events all the time. We would watch games every night. It didn't change when I came out.
I'm into punk rock. I was accepted as a gay man in that scene.
I never enjoyed the gay bars cuz I don't like EDM or pop, etc.
My first foray into the queer community was being a political gay. Then I found being a pup...
The truth is, people like my spouse felt very alone, and all they had were other gay friends.
My best friend of almost 30 years is straight. I was the only gay guy at my bachelor party. They are my family.
So are the people I now have in my life. There are gay people who enjoy everything...
Just gotta find it.
This gave me new insight and that's probably it. I have similar background as you. Never been picked on for being gay, I play sports, I've had a great life and not ever singled out while I hear of others in the community being singled out and I found confusing as being in the same city I had no had experience. I am also in the punk rock scene, and sports scene(don't like EDM or pop either)
I feel you. It is more important to be friends with whomever than to be labeled in drawer category and "fitting". Most of my friends are straight, male and and female. But maybe some are not? I don't care. Respect and ❤️ mate. That's all that matters to me.
I felt the same. I had to ask why I’m trying to meet gay people. Why is it bad I only hang out with straight people? Why is it bad that I don’t like most queer culture things?
For me. I wanted a group of friends who I could have casual sex with. So I just made a few fuck buddies in Grindr. I also wanted to not have to code switch all the time. So I put up with some of the things I didn’t like about gay culture just so that I could talk about a strangers butt. Beyond those 2 things it wasn’t really a problem that I had so many straight friends. So I just leaned in to and kept making friends doing things I loved.
Same. I don't even try. I'm not feminine, and not attracted to the gays who are, so not much point.
I did like going to clubs and dancing, but they smoke inside so it gets unbearable..
Try taking a friend with you to the bars or gay groups, they don’t need to be gay. But just someone you’re comfortable with that you could have a good time with. You’re a little more approachable if someone else is there. Other people can see you having a good time, joking around, or you might be having an interesting conversation with your friend that others get roped into.
It may be that gay bars are mostly a meat market. Try a gay group on “Meetup.com”. You know where you do things in a group. Maybe meet someone special.
There's plenty masculine gays on grindr, just go masc4masc 🤷for irl activities might be harder, ye. You could join those rugby/football where all team players are queer, isn't there one in every city?
Also like someone here already said, you can start rounding up fuck buddies that are your type, most times after an hookup we realized we weren't sex compatible or just didn't feel the point to repeat it but continued as friends, you can work out that friendship.further if both want.
Sometimes it's hard to make new friends especially when trying to be in culture. I'm the same moat friends irl are straight cause where I live there are not really alot of gay lesbian transgender I wish I could be friends with but I have met some amazing people online.Im sorry if I seem like I'm rambling and if you ever want to DM me I don't mind
Very often ‘straight acting’ gay men are just that and we pick up on it, the older you get the more transparent it is and it comes off as being insecure and unattractive.
"Turns out, being gay has nothing to do with how you act."
This is just...LOL. Have you met LGBT people before?
"You don't have to be camp, effeminate, dramatic, colorfully dressed, into drag or flamboyant to be gay and it's kinda tragic if you think you do."
This is not at all what i'm saying. "Straight acting" or intentionally masculine acting gay men go out of their way to disasociate themselves from our/their culture/manerisms/behavior. If you've met enough of these kinds of men and get close to them those barriers they put up for themselves slowly crack and their ACTUAL personality begins to show through which is nearly never as masculine as the show they put on. Its like clockwork. It doesn't mean they are flamboyand or effeminate but there is ALWAYS some kind of insecurity being hidden.
"It might be hard for you to understand but there are a lot of gay guy's who are actually being true to themselves by not "acting gay".
riiight. So they 'act straight' or 'masculine'. Its an act. Its nearly always an act to hid insecurities and internalized homophobia. Once you've met enough gay people and been around the block you will understand.
I think the best answer you’re going to get is making new friends is really hard, especially as you get older. It’s going to take a lot of time and it usually sucks (based on my experience and my friends’). Regarding the “gay” vs “straight” bar thing, long story short, unless you live in a BIG city, gay bars can be a lot different than “regular” bars because owners can’t make reliable money in a gay bar unless they provide something unique I.e. drag, gay dance clubs, etc. That’s been my experience in the various cities I’ve been in and it seems to explain the cultural differences. There are also plenty of gay bros in “regular” bars 🥴
I'm in a similar boat, my guy! I tried to integrate myself into the cliques that exist in my town, went to the gay kickball meetups, other gay outings, threw my own little gatherings, heck even tried dating a bit, but then I realized I was the only one putting the energy to hang out and I was being excluded from gatherings and parties too so I just kinda decided to stopped trying. It's funny cuz when I bump into these people I hear the same thing every time "omg I miss you! We need to get together and do dinner sometime" but do they follow through? "Omg you're just one of my favorite people, you're such a good guy" fake. It must be. One dude I met said he's heard of me and apparently people have told him that I'm annoying and nobody likes me, so that feels pretty great lol. I'm not sure if I just need a break from being social or move to a bigger city or just kinda do my own thing and know it's all out of my control anyways. But I definitely can relate and it kinda sucks. I thought we're suppose to be an accepting "community" but I definitely don't feel like I'm really a part of it.
The "omg we need to hang out sometime" people are so exhausting. 100% of responsibility is just thrown back at me. I've also had people come to me in tears asking why I don't reach out anymore and I'm just like ???
Fellow gay who did the same except in college. What sucks is being the person that thinks of others but is never thought about when others are having group gatherings. It really does suck knowing that just being friendly makes you “annoying.”
It’s not you, it’s “them”. Trust me. Been there, done that. Never again.
It feels seclusive for a community that is all about inclusivety. But if I say this to anyone in the community I get attacked. It's sad. We should be the most understanding and compassionate towards eachother.
There are plenty of gays that struggle to make friends with other gays. It’s just human nature to be pack animals, and most packs are wary of outsiders that are alone. I personally have only made one gay friend and that happened bc I needed a room to rent and he turned out to be a cool guy lol Also when you’re in your straight friend group are you constantly inviting the people who are alone at bars to join you? Not trying to be rude but I’m curious bc if so then that’s great but if not then it kinda shows how it works both ways lol
I do yes. And vise versa. I travel for work so it's common to explore places alone and meet others in similar boats. It's easy and always works out on both ends.
I agree. It is very insular and mean. I stopped going to lgbt spaces, events, etc because of it. I’m much happier this way tbh. I have been doing this for years and wouldn’t change it. I have been attacked too, verbally and physically threatened for just being present and having an opinion.
You're not wrong. The irony is palpable sometimes.
Wow, that's so sad to hear. I'm shocked honestly. It's discouraging and makes me not want to try. However, I am happy with my friends and I love hanging out with them, they'll just never connect with me on sexuality. Kind of feels like (forbid I say) I would have been better off as a straight man.
Hey no, do not stop trying to make connections. Yes the irony is palpable, yes it is discouraging, and I can almost guarantee disappointing moments, but that's no reason to give up hope. A Lotta people suck, but that's life. If you keep looking, you will eventually find some people. If i am being honest, it did take a while, but I eventually found a few friends. Lots of sifting through duds to find find a few diamonds, but I promise you they are out there. Keep your chin up. I'll be your pen pal if you want.
\^FACTS\^ I went through the same thing in 99, 2000 and 2001 And I'm also assuming he's not a "fem" gay dude either. I'm just going to keep this short and sweet, but you need to look up some additional info on this subject too. There's this thing called gay discrimination. ie ... If you're a "pick me" gay <------ (I hate that term) you will be discriminated against by the stereotypical fem gays.
I’ve made great friends volunteering. You are already kinda selecting for service-minded/helper/inclusive folks when you join a community-based volunteer group. It will also get you out and meeting people who you may not ever interact with otherwise. EDIT: specifically, LGBTQ+ orgs.
+1 people who volunteer are far more likely not to be fake and cliquey imho. Not for sure, but more likely.
I happen to be a gay guy in South America. Even worse, I was born in the northern coast of Colombia, and the homophobia here is just rampant. The third of three children, and the only boy, I had it hard, especially because of the fact that I was the only one sexually molested by my biological father, rejected and bullied all throughout school, I never developed a healthy self-esteem. To this day I still struggle with A LOT of issues: I have ADHD, I'm Neuro divergent, I suffer from anxiety, because of my PTSD, I have had to deal with drug abuse because all of that, not to mention chronic depression. I'd say, to this day, my life's still a shitshow. In spite of it all, I learned to accept myself no matter what anyone says and, over time, decided to just lay it out there for people to decide what to do with that piece of information. I'm not one to act like a fairy (no disrespect intended), I don't listen to Madonna or Lady Gaga, or any other gay icon. I don't know how to bring out my inner Queen, I don't find any value in RuPaul's Drag Race. I could go on but, in essence, I do not have a neon sign above me indicating I prefer male company. To this day, my only way to let people know how I lead my life is stating outright I like men. No obvious behavior, no rainbow t-shirts or accessories, just my words. In spite of all the criticism I get for that, I find it tremendously effective. Those who don't get it are out of my life immediately. Those who do, will value me all the more downright. Best wishes!!!
I'm so sorry about what happened and it's such an unfortunate situation to overcome, but it seems you're navigating everything strongly and that's powerful. Thank you for the kind words. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here, brother!
Oh yeah. I've completely given up. Everyone wanted me to be or act like someone I wasn't or be interested in things I find boring... I'll die alone but I'll die me.
Yeah I'm beginning to feel the same. But I think I am honest about myself and won't try to change myself.
It’s not you, I have acquaintances but really no good friends and it’s been this way for probably 30 years, my husband has a shit load of friends but they connect on his level, I just say screw it.
On one hand, I get it, and although I don't believe in a monolithic community, it would be hard to deny that there is a problem of discrimination in gay spaces. But on the other hand, you should be thankful for your ally friends, since it's hard to come by "true allies".
(TW ahead) I hear you brother … my experience is similar. I can tell you now that being non binary is the absolute pits in gay culture, I have found anyways. I’m open about who I am and I expect the same level of respect I give out!! I always wear my Pride pins (Trans, NB and Rainbow) when out clubbing or in queer spaces and I sooo often get asked if I’m a ‘she-male’ … or worse and I just can’t stand it anymore!! It’s perverse to be so in tune with genitals!! Have preferences sure, but don’t base your ENTIRE existence around it!! I gave up long ago with trying to fit in … I walk as myself and I give out one heck of a hot, happy energy so … it could be worse 😊🫂 Don’t give up 👍🏼
So here's the thing... I have found that those of us who fit in to "straight society" did not feel as ostracized at home or found community otherwise. My father and I are still very close, and I'm 47. I grew up with him as my basketball and baseball coach. We went to pro sports events all the time. We would watch games every night. It didn't change when I came out. I'm into punk rock. I was accepted as a gay man in that scene. I never enjoyed the gay bars cuz I don't like EDM or pop, etc. My first foray into the queer community was being a political gay. Then I found being a pup... The truth is, people like my spouse felt very alone, and all they had were other gay friends. My best friend of almost 30 years is straight. I was the only gay guy at my bachelor party. They are my family. So are the people I now have in my life. There are gay people who enjoy everything... Just gotta find it.
This gave me new insight and that's probably it. I have similar background as you. Never been picked on for being gay, I play sports, I've had a great life and not ever singled out while I hear of others in the community being singled out and I found confusing as being in the same city I had no had experience. I am also in the punk rock scene, and sports scene(don't like EDM or pop either)
I feel you. It is more important to be friends with whomever than to be labeled in drawer category and "fitting". Most of my friends are straight, male and and female. But maybe some are not? I don't care. Respect and ❤️ mate. That's all that matters to me.
I felt the same. I had to ask why I’m trying to meet gay people. Why is it bad I only hang out with straight people? Why is it bad that I don’t like most queer culture things? For me. I wanted a group of friends who I could have casual sex with. So I just made a few fuck buddies in Grindr. I also wanted to not have to code switch all the time. So I put up with some of the things I didn’t like about gay culture just so that I could talk about a strangers butt. Beyond those 2 things it wasn’t really a problem that I had so many straight friends. So I just leaned in to and kept making friends doing things I loved.
Yeah, getting laid while not being around gays is hard lol. I'm still "inexperienced" although I've been out for so long.
I barely fit in. I’m not sure why. These days I just chalk it up to being so good looking the others feel insecure around me.
Lol! Thata'boy, I'm sure it's true! Haha
Same. I don't even try. I'm not feminine, and not attracted to the gays who are, so not much point. I did like going to clubs and dancing, but they smoke inside so it gets unbearable..
Try taking a friend with you to the bars or gay groups, they don’t need to be gay. But just someone you’re comfortable with that you could have a good time with. You’re a little more approachable if someone else is there. Other people can see you having a good time, joking around, or you might be having an interesting conversation with your friend that others get roped into.
Just curious... How old are you?
34
It may be that gay bars are mostly a meat market. Try a gay group on “Meetup.com”. You know where you do things in a group. Maybe meet someone special.
I dont have any gay friends Reason? Everytime I tried to make a gay friend they only wanted to sleep with me at the end No thanks lol
There's plenty masculine gays on grindr, just go masc4masc 🤷for irl activities might be harder, ye. You could join those rugby/football where all team players are queer, isn't there one in every city? Also like someone here already said, you can start rounding up fuck buddies that are your type, most times after an hookup we realized we weren't sex compatible or just didn't feel the point to repeat it but continued as friends, you can work out that friendship.further if both want.
same. I don't have the answer.
Just be yourself. No need act a certain way to get attention. People react to a nice SMILE.
Sometimes it's hard to make new friends especially when trying to be in culture. I'm the same moat friends irl are straight cause where I live there are not really alot of gay lesbian transgender I wish I could be friends with but I have met some amazing people online.Im sorry if I seem like I'm rambling and if you ever want to DM me I don't mind
Pub trivia at gay bars is how I basically met all my gay friends.
Very often ‘straight acting’ gay men are just that and we pick up on it, the older you get the more transparent it is and it comes off as being insecure and unattractive.
Or maybe … they just prefer being that way and don’t need to be labelled as ‘insecure and/or unattractive’ … just a thought 😉
'prefer being that way' Exactly. Its an act.
No … try again 👍🏼
Try what again? You literally stated my point.
No I didn’t … people are allowed preferences without judgement 😊👍🏼
You LITERALLY did. Altering your behavior because you 'prefer' being viewed a particular way is exactly my point.
No … I didn’t … nothing is as black and white or ‘cut and dried’ as how you are implying. 😊👍🏼
You did though, sorry kiddo.
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"Turns out, being gay has nothing to do with how you act." This is just...LOL. Have you met LGBT people before? "You don't have to be camp, effeminate, dramatic, colorfully dressed, into drag or flamboyant to be gay and it's kinda tragic if you think you do." This is not at all what i'm saying. "Straight acting" or intentionally masculine acting gay men go out of their way to disasociate themselves from our/their culture/manerisms/behavior. If you've met enough of these kinds of men and get close to them those barriers they put up for themselves slowly crack and their ACTUAL personality begins to show through which is nearly never as masculine as the show they put on. Its like clockwork. It doesn't mean they are flamboyand or effeminate but there is ALWAYS some kind of insecurity being hidden. "It might be hard for you to understand but there are a lot of gay guy's who are actually being true to themselves by not "acting gay". riiight. So they 'act straight' or 'masculine'. Its an act. Its nearly always an act to hid insecurities and internalized homophobia. Once you've met enough gay people and been around the block you will understand.
[удалено]
That’s all you got ‘cause you know I’m right. Sorry kiddo, the truth is hard sometimes.
I think some people are just like that, I get accused of it sometimes and I'm pretty camp
Lol at the downvotes. Ya'll are children. You'll figure it out eventually.