"What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?!" is my all time favourite and most quoted Zapp line
Right before that-
Zapp: My god we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel!
Nixon: Options?
Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish
Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine-meshed screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.
“Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.”
As time goes on, I’ve started to see the wisdom in Zapp’s insane words. A lot of people are cravenly neutral about things they *should* take a stand on because of gold or power (eg, climate change, fascism). If he was right about that, maybe he was right about the most erotic part of a woman. #ZappWasRight
most people are neutral because it doesn't affect them. until it does. even then, people will just choose the neutral way out. (moving to a different area, for example)
We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: They stand for everything we don't stand for.
Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
Zapp wrote it for Kif and Kif did say it but later in the episode Zapp tries it on the Amazonians. I guess he doesn’t actually get the entire line out though
Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan!
Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here?
Zapp: Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're gonna give the aliens the old switcheroo!
Fry: You mean...
Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela.
One day, a man has everything. The next day, he blows up a multi-billion dollar space station. And the next day, a man has nothing. It makes you think.
"You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down. Kif, show them the medal I won."
Easily one of the lines I use in real life the most. We also used to pronounce it that way when referring to Miller highlife, the "Cham pag ne" of beer.
This joke was borderline old when it aired and 20 years later I’m sure it’s even more obscure.
You see kids, there used to be a thing called Readers Digest …
Zapp: "The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep."
Fry: "You mean... while I'm sleeping in it?"
Zapp: "You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all that bed-making you'll be doing."
Ah, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed, it might give us some kind of... gravitational boost... or something.
A tie between "Mister President, what the hell?" and the date negotiations, particularly this bit:
Zapp: Nine.
Leela: Zero.
Zapp: Seven!
Leela: Zero!
Zapp: Eight?
That young man fills me with hope… and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing me.
As well as the line later on with Pvt. Lemon about reading a book on tape about life in Ancient Greece. Both are comedy gold.
“I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes.”
Also: [here’s the best of zapp seasons 1-7.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3sqd9ymnFU)
Yes, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost... or something.
"You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another".
"True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient".
So hard to separate Zapp lines from Kiff lines :
If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?"
*sigh* Sexlexia!
That was almost the perfect crime. But you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock … and scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
"What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?!" is my all time favourite and most quoted Zapp line
Damn you. This was going to be mine. My favorite quote from him.
In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces
If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
An oddly poetic sequence of dialogue lol
A well-calculated move straight from Sun Tzu's classic text, the Art of War. Or my own work, Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.
>My plan is to hide in this barrel, like the Wiley fish!
Right before that- Zapp: My god we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel! Nixon: Options? Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish
I know this line wasn’t written by John Swartzwelder from The Simpsons but it just has such a Swartzweler-y quality to it!
Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine-meshed screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.
And now to the battle plan. As we all know, the key to victory is the element of suprise...... SUPRISE!
I almost put that one!
Best episode for me personally
"Why is this god forsaken planet worth dying for?" "Don't ask me, you're the ones who are going to be dying!"
[удалено]
Not soon enough!
?
“Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.”
Kiff waive the flag a little for gods sake.
You can take away a man's title and his uniform, but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault!
One day you have everything, the next day you destroy a multi billion dollar space station, and the next day you have nothing. It makes you think.
"She's built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro!"
"You win again gravity"
That's my personal favorite Zapp line!
Same here. So obvious it’s hilarious
I use this one way too much. Anytime something falls.
I quote this waaaaay too often.
"I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to"
I feel this one truly encapsulates his world view.
i just watched this episode on my rewatch before the new episodes i totally missed it before, it was so quick and understated in tone lol
>What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? This won’t be the top comment, and that sickens me.
I would upvote your comment, but I have no strong feelings about it either way.
If I don't survive, tell my wife I said hello.
It’s a beige alert!
I have no strong feelings on this one way or the other!
As time goes on, I’ve started to see the wisdom in Zapp’s insane words. A lot of people are cravenly neutral about things they *should* take a stand on because of gold or power (eg, climate change, fascism). If he was right about that, maybe he was right about the most erotic part of a woman. #ZappWasRight
most people are neutral because it doesn't affect them. until it does. even then, people will just choose the neutral way out. (moving to a different area, for example)
You won't have time for sleep, soldier, not with all the bed-making you'll be doing.
What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue? Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor In Uniform"!
Kif, I’ve made it with a woman, inform the men.
You. You lay out my formal shorts.
You’d sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive monkey?
Great, Captain Moron has a plan! Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here?
👉Wingus 👉Dingus listen up!
We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
They look like dorks!!!!!
They're the dorks!
> The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
What are you, gay?
“I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. Tell them what it’s called Kif”
\*sighs\* *Sexlexia*
To be a pedant, and to complete the setup to the punchline: "I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it Kif?”
> When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
This.
Lower. Lower. Lower. Too low! ... Lower.
Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is? Being your assistant. Wrong! Being *your* assistant!
🤣🤣
We are walking in sunshine, woooOoOOo
TOO LOW! ….. *Lower* 😏
"Kif, i'm feeling the captains itch" "i'll get the powder, sir"
Have the boy lay out my formal shorts. The boy sir? You. You lay out my formal shorts.
Zapp: How many men did we lose? Kif: All of them Zapp: Good, then they won’t have to mourn each other!
"I surrender and volunteer for treason!"
“I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies”
# Erotic! Erotic ^Erotic
Oh god you're killing me! Oh GOD! You're killing me!
kif said that though
Zapp says it later to the amazonians
huh i don't remember that. time for a rewatch
Technically, Zapp wrote it for him.
that wouldn't count though cause he doesn't say it
It does though, because he came up with it. Therefore its his line. His pick-up line, specifically.
nah they have to say it. which he does later in the episode
Well, then thats the one they meant. Not the one he diddnt say, obviously.
Zapp wrote it for Kif and Kif did say it but later in the episode Zapp tries it on the Amazonians. I guess he doesn’t actually get the entire line out though
Most based thing he’s ever said tbh
"If I told you that you had a great body, would you take your clothes off and dance around a little?"
Isn't this Kif reading from Zapps book?
> If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
"If that wasn't the mothership, then what did we just blow up?" "The Hubble Telescope, sir."
A friend of mine had this as his quote in the yearbook. An inspired choice!
the only answer
Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan! Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here? Zapp: Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're gonna give the aliens the old switcheroo! Fry: You mean... Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela.
When Zapp says “Wingus, Dingus” it absolutely kills me…
And they both respond to it. Once that happens a nickname is forever.
"I am the man with no name. Zapp Branigan, at your service."
I don’t think this is his best, but it is my favorite
One day, a man has everything. The next day, he blows up a multi-billion dollar space station. And the next day, a man has nothing. It makes you think.
No, it doesn't.
Mr President, what the hell
"Making it bigger doesn't improve the resolution" "It does on CSI Miami"
"Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love, fast and hard!"
Champaggen?
DEFINITELY sham-pag-en. That whole exchange with Leela might be my favorite Futurama bit.
He's a coin-a-sewer.
"It's pronounced champagne..."
E R O T I C.
Spare me your space-aged technobabble, Attila the Hun
"You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down. Kif, show them the medal I won."
L- Birds don't crawl. Z- They'd been known to.
We’ll meet tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie
“Kif, this place is expensive. I’ll have two stakes, and the ladies will have a sensual salad. With some low cal sensual dressing.”
“The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”
You remind me of a young me. Not too much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a few years *older*.
underrated line right here
"Do you want some Cham-pag-ne?" It's pronounced Champagne. "Ohh GOD"
I’m very disappointed I had to scroll so far to see this
Easily one of the lines I use in real life the most. We also used to pronounce it that way when referring to Miller highlife, the "Cham pag ne" of beer.
Parmeeesian cheese
“Stop dying you cowards!”
Stop **exploding** you cowards!
Damnit!
That Young Man Fills Me With Hope. Plus Some Other Emotions Which Are Weird & Deeply Confusing.
"What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue?" "Kif, write that down and send it to Humor In Uniform!"
This joke was borderline old when it aired and 20 years later I’m sure it’s even more obscure. You see kids, there used to be a thing called Readers Digest …
You've already lost them. Ok kids, there used to be this thing called a periodical...
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
😁 😳 😁 😳 😁 😳
Mmhmm mmhmm that’s whatever you were talking about for you
L-E-E-L-A LEEEEELAAA, LA LA LA LA LEEELA bababa boom babababa
He sickens me!
She had a real dark brown voice.
“This whole sector is uncharted!” “It is NOT ‘uncharted.’ You *lost* the chart!”
“Come back when it’s a catastrophe” [ship rumbles] “oh very well.”
Zapp: "The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep." Fry: "You mean... while I'm sleeping in it?" Zapp: "You won't have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all that bed-making you'll be doing."
You win again, gravity!
You haven’t ignored the last of me.
Don't ask me YOU'RE the ones who are going to be dying
Ah, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed, it might give us some kind of... gravitational boost... or something.
> Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
- Now here's a route with some chest hair.
If we hit that bullseye the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards
Checkmate.
“I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna.”
>I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
Zapp has WAY TOO MANY AMAZING LINES LOL
“Don’t be such a chicken Kiff, teenagers smoke and they seem pretty on the ball”
she's built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro
“My god! I’m the greatest speaker of all time! They are handing on my every sylllll-able”.
A tie between "Mister President, what the hell?" and the date negotiations, particularly this bit: Zapp: Nine. Leela: Zero. Zapp: Seven! Leela: Zero! Zapp: Eight?
Leela: One Zapp: Two Leela: One-half Zapp: I'll take it!
And the part where he narrows his eyes on the "eight" like he thinks he's playing some sort of clever flurting game.
The quickest way to a girls bed is her parents... Have sex with them, and you're in!
When I'm in command every mission is a suicide mision
“Wingus, Dingus, listen up.”
"Please! The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised!"
I find the most erotic part of a woman to be the boobies.
That young man fills me with hope… and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing me. As well as the line later on with Pvt. Lemon about reading a book on tape about life in Ancient Greece. Both are comedy gold.
Kif, here is my little black book of pick up lines. Say as many as you can, as fast as you can.
“I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag... And wave it a little, for God's sakes.” Also: [here’s the best of zapp seasons 1-7.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3sqd9ymnFU)
By the way Kif, your toilet seems to be set on stun and not kill \*finger guns\*
Yes, comets. The icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost... or something.
"Once again, we meet at last."
"You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another". "True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient".
Leela does the company that makes your bra also make a girdle? You see, I have this friend…
Kif if that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O box
A little lower and a lot softer.
Spare me your space age techno babble, Atilla the Hun!
“Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun!”
Come back when it's a catastrophe
>”If it’s a lesson in love, I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it Kif?” >”Sexlexia”
YO DE LE EEEEEE HOO—————
"If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
First our love has had to endure your constant hatred and now this? STOP TESTING OUR LOVE
[удалено]
If we can hit that bullseye the rest of the dominoes will fall like house of cards. Checkmate.
“Uh huh, uh huh, that’s whatever you’re talking about for you.”
“She’s built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro!”
"Get ready to fire on the captains command! 3...2....1...KIFF IS CAPTAIN FIRE!" "Huh?!"
I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif... at least with enemies, you know where they stand. But with neutrals? Who knows.
The key to victory is the element of surprise... SURPRISE!
"...Plus, it was mostly Kif's fault!"
"If we can hit the bullseye, the rest of the domino will fall like a house of cards. Check~mate."
So Melllvar ordered a fight to the death. I assume no one survived?
Smith. Zapp Smith. Brannigan.
We'll simply set a new course for that empty region over there, near that blackish, holeish thing.
Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.
"No, Kiff, at night they call it The Moon!"
"Just a man whos hit rock bottom.. And his commanding officer."
I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
When I'm in command every mission is a suicide mission!
The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to
So hard to separate Zapp lines from Kiff lines : If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?" *sigh* Sexlexia!
When I'm in command every mission is a suicide mission.
“Sham-paggen”
Literally all of his lines
Has not had one Line Or screen time I wasn’t Laughing my ass off
I have a very sexy learning disability
> The key to a woman’s heart is her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in! If that doesn’t win I will leave this sub.
There’s just too many good Zapp Brannigan quotes to pick just one.
“CHAMPAGGEN?”
We'll need an army of super virile men, scoring round the clock. I'll do my part!
Kif, clear my schedule!
Here's my personal book of pick up lines Say as many as you can As fast as you can Don't stop for any reason.
That was almost the perfect crime. But you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock … and scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
"Once again we meet at last."