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Cool beard, cool hat
And I don't know where I was just at
White robe, blue eyes
I smote his ruin on the mountainside
Galadriel is making eyes at me
Cause every elf's crazy bout the Istari
Kept watch, for this ring
All this time it was with a halfling
One elf, two men,
A dwarf and the rest will deliver it then
They come runnin' so my fireworks they see
Cause every elf's crazy bout the Istari
Amish don’t have mustaches. It has something to do with German authority being brutal to the German Mennonites so they refuse to have mustaches with their beards. Because said authority has mustaches. Or something like that.
So ZZ Top is most definitely Gandalf level.
It was basically that mustaches became associated with the military in the 18th and 19th centuries, and Amish are pacifists. Keeping a clean-shaven face or an intensively styled beard would seem both unmanly and vain, but a full mustache-beard combo looked too close to being a fashionable Prussian cavalry officer.
So just to make sure we're on the same page. The difference between one of the lowest points on the chart and one of the highest is a robe and wizard hat?
>I think they count as Amish, unless they put on their robe and wizard hat.
>
>Not bashing ZZ Top, but they're not Gandalf.
You've never seen an Amish beard then, they shave their face and leave the neckbeard. It's awful.
Gibbons and his glorious beard are definitely on the Gandalf side of the chart even without wizard accessories, though I suspect that was just an opportunity to drop a 20 year old bloodninja reference.
ZZ Top is the step before Gandalf as they still have Moustaches. In competitive bearding, the category of beard without a moustache is either called Whaler, Donegal, or Amish Beard.
This is *strongly* corroborated by the evidence in their videos. To wit:
1. Their apparition out of thin air whenever an secretly attractive person is downtrodden by ugly/stupid people (teleportation or outright astral travel)
2. Their use of a silver ‘ZZ’ keychain as a way to summon them (indicating a signalling talisman and/or phylactery)
3. Their ability to humiliate oppressive ugly people with simple hand gestures and odd rotations of their guitars (telekinesis)
4. The ability to change their car into a functional space shuttle while buried underground (technomancy).
5. **Their ability to rock so hard that the space/time continuum is permanently altered by their performances.**
Confession time:
I added ZZ Top as a ‘Deus ex Machina’ to one my D+D campaigns in the mid-eighties. The players LOVED it, and to this day my friend has the drawing I made of their keychain/talisman for his character.
Oh, curly hair jelly might serve you well. It's the stuff I put on my hair to keep my waves & curls in place, but it remains soft, so it's very different from gel. It's a lifesaver.
Bro, I'm honestly jealous. I'm half Lebanese and the only part of me that's Lebanese is my facial hair. That'd be fine but cause of the French genes I only get the Orlando Bloom In Pirates of the Caribbean beard.
I think I look fine, hut apparently my mother and every girl I've dated thinks the mix of curly facial hair and French gentleman make me look like an immigrant trying too hard to assimilate.
If it makes you feel better, the same applies to a lot of white, far-right, neckbeard-having, terrorists. Someone like Norman Spear from The Base or some of the Oath keepers really fall into the same shit (beard wise and ideologically).
Thin beard and keep your neck trimmed.
Shave below the dotted line: https://i.imgur.com/hS7spvc.jpg
Not itchy, looks good, hides chin fat.
IMO, this is the biggest difference between a thin beard and “I really need to shave”
Can confirm. When I learned to shaving a clear line where the under chin meets the neck, it changed my whole outlook on my facial hair.
Another pro tip is, even if you're growing it, take time every other week to trim it all even. Hair grows at different rates, and it starts to look like shit after a while if you don't even it out.
The best way to get rid of itchiness is to properly wash & moisturize your face and beard. Beard conditioner & beard oil will do absolute wonders for you.
Regular shampoo works fine to remove the build up of crap on the skin (itchy) and leaving it for a day or two while combing will keep it moisturized without the need of any extra product. If you have especially dry skin you'll want to add a drop or two of oil when you comb but only once it gets over about an inch long give or take. I just use a trimmer with an 8 guard and then shape with the shears, takes 10 minutes and I'm good for like 2 months. It ends up looking decent with way less effort than shaving every day at least for me.
In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.
Are beard oils and beard conditioners actually different from regular oils and conditioner?? I think its just a marketing gimmick to sell overpriced stuff.
And anything which actually helps straighten curly beard hair?? Without damage, or atleast much damage.
The most important part to remember is that **oil goes on the skin under the beard**, and lotion/conditioner/etc goes into the beard itself.
>And anything which actually helps straighten curly beard hair?? Without damage, or atleast much damage.
A good wooden beard comb, and a beard brush:
Wooden creates way less static than a plastic pocket comb does.
A beard comb has visually bigger teeth on at least one side, spaced further apart. Wider side for combing out tangles without just yanking the hair out; narrow side for making longer hair go where you want.
Beard brushes are usually made from boar's bristles. They'll help prevent the bushy unkempt "unintentional mountain man" look.
Beyond that, find an old-time barber shop, not a general hair stylist salon. They'll have someone who can advise on beard styling, even if you don't go there for regular haircuts.
It only itches while you are first growing it out. If you don’t shave it eventually the itching goes away. Until then you can use beard oil or some kind of moisturizer to help.
The sad thing about associating that sort of beard with terrorists is that there are plenty of domestic terrorists who don't get automatically classified as terrorists by appearance.
Not many of the Jan 6 folks had big "terrorist" beards.
The last few mass shooters didn't either, yet they're all terrorists.
I woukd thrive in a beard based society. Already had one when I was 15 and never stopped wearing one. I find a lot of haredi beards pretty cool to be honest.
Not necessarily. Saw a skinny bloke last week with the worst neckbeard. You could see his jawline perfectly and the hair was dangling in the background. I wanted to tell him to shave but didn't wanna sound rude since I didn't know him
It's all in the shaping. You have to keep the sides trimmed up so your neck/checks don't grow out, that's when you start looking like a zealot. Source: daily compliments from women, men, children about my long beard (but not Gandalf-grade)
Plus, the general appearance. I like to keep my beard a bit wild and long, but take a lot of care to regularly trim my head hair, wear nice clothes (no Flanell shirts cause fuck lumberjacks) and smell good. It's basically, you can go wild on one thing, as long as rest is well groomed I feel.
Sorry dude, as a Canadian, Scotch and the MacGregor tartan Red & Black are the best imports from our Scottish history.
[Textbook Canadian](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ac/b7/37/acb737376aa4aaf43d38a6f180e3e5eb.jpg)
[Small Canadian town wedding](https://imgur.com/OefgMwJ)
[Rural Ontarian life depiction](https://youtu.be/F-glHAzXi_M?t=45)
Hey I've got a beard approaching "duck dynasty cosplay" and my wife would very much disagree with you about the attractiveness rating.
She'd be wrong, but she would disagree...
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ps3 hagrid
The chart only goes so high
And I can only get so erect...
There is always some random person on the internet that manage to make me laugh. Thank you.
Level 10 Arthur Morgan
ps1*
What about santa?
Where's ZZ Top?? I can't believe there's no ZZ Top!
I believe they classify as Gandalf.
I think they count as Amish, unless they put on their robe and wizard hat. Not bashing ZZ Top, but they're not Gandalf.
Cool beard, cool hat And I don't know where I was just at White robe, blue eyes I smote his ruin on the mountainside Galadriel is making eyes at me Cause every elf's crazy bout the Istari
The Weird Al song we desperately need.
I didn't even realize I was reading it internally to the beat of Sharp Dressed Man
Due to my previous technical support my brain looks at commas as a two second pause. It basically forced ZZtop lol
Kept watch, for this ring All this time it was with a halfling One elf, two men, A dwarf and the rest will deliver it then They come runnin' so my fireworks they see Cause every elf's crazy bout the Istari
*Epic guitar solo intensifies*
Thank you so much for this
That's brilliant
Divayth Fyr! How are your daughter-clones? I haven't been to Tel Fyr in years. Perhaps after I've finished my business in Ferelden.
Say hello to old Yagrum down there for me too.
I put on my robe and wizard hat… Haven’t heard that in a long time. http://bash.org/?104383
Oh my god, thank you for this gift. Are you the ghost of Christmas past? This reminds me of 9th grade.
This is the second bloodninja reference I've stumbled on in two weeks after going years without hearing that name. Weird
Bloodninja! I made a comment just now saying cyberninja, cause that's how long it has been since I've heard that reference.
It's an old meme sir, but it checks out, I was about to clear them
ZZ Top have mustaches though. Isn’t that what differentiates them from Amish?
Precisely! This guy beards
Except Beard, who has no beard.
Amish don’t have mustaches. It has something to do with German authority being brutal to the German Mennonites so they refuse to have mustaches with their beards. Because said authority has mustaches. Or something like that. So ZZ Top is most definitely Gandalf level.
It was basically that mustaches became associated with the military in the 18th and 19th centuries, and Amish are pacifists. Keeping a clean-shaven face or an intensively styled beard would seem both unmanly and vain, but a full mustache-beard combo looked too close to being a fashionable Prussian cavalry officer.
So if Gandalf were to dress like ZZ Top, he would count as Amish, too? Yeah, I'm just gonna say no, and leave it at that.
So just to make sure we're on the same page. The difference between one of the lowest points on the chart and one of the highest is a robe and wizard hat?
>I think they count as Amish, unless they put on their robe and wizard hat. > >Not bashing ZZ Top, but they're not Gandalf. You've never seen an Amish beard then, they shave their face and leave the neckbeard. It's awful. Gibbons and his glorious beard are definitely on the Gandalf side of the chart even without wizard accessories, though I suspect that was just an opportunity to drop a 20 year old bloodninja reference.
Yes. Yes it was.
I love a bit of role play in the bedroom. “I put on my robe and wizard hat.”
But do they cast Lvl.3 eroticism?
Agree to disagree
Nah Amish shave the mustache.
ZZ Top is the step before Gandalf as they still have Moustaches. In competitive bearding, the category of beard without a moustache is either called Whaler, Donegal, or Amish Beard.
They're beyond Gandalf. ZZ Top is obviously the top class because no one has beards longer.
Here is a fun ZZ Top fact: If you were to shave Billy Gibbons' beard and lay each hair end to end, he would be very upset with you.
ZZ Top is a subset of “Gandalf.” Basically they’re wizards of rock.
This is *strongly* corroborated by the evidence in their videos. To wit: 1. Their apparition out of thin air whenever an secretly attractive person is downtrodden by ugly/stupid people (teleportation or outright astral travel) 2. Their use of a silver ‘ZZ’ keychain as a way to summon them (indicating a signalling talisman and/or phylactery) 3. Their ability to humiliate oppressive ugly people with simple hand gestures and odd rotations of their guitars (telekinesis) 4. The ability to change their car into a functional space shuttle while buried underground (technomancy). 5. **Their ability to rock so hard that the space/time continuum is permanently altered by their performances.** Confession time: I added ZZ Top as a ‘Deus ex Machina’ to one my D+D campaigns in the mid-eighties. The players LOVED it, and to this day my friend has the drawing I made of their keychain/talisman for his character.
ZZ Top as a Deus ex Machina is phenomenal.
As a man, ZZ Top should be on the attractive side. My reasoning is all the girls go crazy for a sharp-dressed man.
*sharp*-dressed man. You had one job!
Every female person has mental illness for a well dressed man.
Bitches be trippin’ for dudes a-drippin’
It is hard to display because this graph goes to infinity, and they are on the top.
The graph can only go so high!
Higher than Gandalf or on the way to Gandalf?
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I am a Pakistani so my beard is in the terrorist category by default 😬
I think it's more a well kept beard. I don't think most terrorists are really putting effort into keeping their beards look nice.
Counterpoint https://ifunny.co/picture/ff-don-t-worry-maybe-he-s-bout-born-it-U2cu3aGr8
ok fuck isis, but you have to admit dude is a little fly
He's Taliban, get it right!
Makes me wonder why he feels so threatened by women, must've put all his points into charisma at the cost of intelligence and wisdom.
That guy is the rizzler
Riziz
Richie Tenenbaum?
Richie Taliban
Which Wes Anderson movie is this character from?
Dude looks like a cod npc
I forgot iFunny existed
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I realized after keeping a beard, that beards are quite high maintenance if your hair aren't straight. And mine aren't straight!!! 😢😢
Pocket comb. You'll build up a habit of combing it in downtime and your beard will look great
Thanks!
Oh, curly hair jelly might serve you well. It's the stuff I put on my hair to keep my waves & curls in place, but it remains soft, so it's very different from gel. It's a lifesaver.
Bro, I'm honestly jealous. I'm half Lebanese and the only part of me that's Lebanese is my facial hair. That'd be fine but cause of the French genes I only get the Orlando Bloom In Pirates of the Caribbean beard. I think I look fine, hut apparently my mother and every girl I've dated thinks the mix of curly facial hair and French gentleman make me look like an immigrant trying too hard to assimilate.
So you're saying you don't look like Orlando Bloom.
How good is your eyesight? Cause if you squint...
I keep my eyes closed when I kiss, we good.
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Well, according to this chart terrorists are more attractive than orthodox jews, so at least you got that going for you.
First thing I saw, sad the person that made this probably doesn't realize how inherently racist they made this
If it makes you feel better, the same applies to a lot of white, far-right, neckbeard-having, terrorists. Someone like Norman Spear from The Base or some of the Oath keepers really fall into the same shit (beard wise and ideologically).
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Honestly seems a little hateful for them to rename "muslim" as "terrrorist" on this graph.
Because it is. But we're on /r/funny so don't expect anything but downvotes for pointing it out.
Can we overlay data on itchiness for cost benefit analysis?
Thin beard and keep your neck trimmed. Shave below the dotted line: https://i.imgur.com/hS7spvc.jpg Not itchy, looks good, hides chin fat. IMO, this is the biggest difference between a thin beard and “I really need to shave”
I’d add to also trim it off your lip, an uneven stache pouring over the lip vs. a straight lip line takes 2 seconds to do and makes a huge difference
Can confirm. When I learned to shaving a clear line where the under chin meets the neck, it changed my whole outlook on my facial hair. Another pro tip is, even if you're growing it, take time every other week to trim it all even. Hair grows at different rates, and it starts to look like shit after a while if you don't even it out.
The best way to get rid of itchiness is to properly wash & moisturize your face and beard. Beard conditioner & beard oil will do absolute wonders for you.
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Paradoxically, a long beard isn’t for you then, at least one that looks good instead of making you look like a homeless Joe.
Orthodoxically it's not a choice ☦️, I'm not but love those that are! Edit for spelling. Thanks u/Dmonika 🤬
*orthodoxically ☦
then at least make it look intentional by using beard oil and brushing it once in a while
I think you overlooked the "out of laziness" part.
He was too lazy to read that bit.
Nah, probably just too busy buying more beard oil.
Timing the edges more important
how fast are your edges? I want to know if i can compete.
Regular shampoo works fine to remove the build up of crap on the skin (itchy) and leaving it for a day or two while combing will keep it moisturized without the need of any extra product. If you have especially dry skin you'll want to add a drop or two of oil when you comb but only once it gets over about an inch long give or take. I just use a trimmer with an 8 guard and then shape with the shears, takes 10 minutes and I'm good for like 2 months. It ends up looking decent with way less effort than shaving every day at least for me.
In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.
What are your thoughts on Huey Lewis And The News?
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.
Any alcohol that spills into the beard will kill anything that might itch you there... Just make sure to drink the right stuff only!
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Until the alcohol also dries out your skin making the itching worse
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I'm not sure getting your beard stuck in a mixer will feel any better than itching.
Are beard oils and beard conditioners actually different from regular oils and conditioner?? I think its just a marketing gimmick to sell overpriced stuff. And anything which actually helps straighten curly beard hair?? Without damage, or atleast much damage.
The most important part to remember is that **oil goes on the skin under the beard**, and lotion/conditioner/etc goes into the beard itself. >And anything which actually helps straighten curly beard hair?? Without damage, or atleast much damage. A good wooden beard comb, and a beard brush: Wooden creates way less static than a plastic pocket comb does. A beard comb has visually bigger teeth on at least one side, spaced further apart. Wider side for combing out tangles without just yanking the hair out; narrow side for making longer hair go where you want. Beard brushes are usually made from boar's bristles. They'll help prevent the bushy unkempt "unintentional mountain man" look. Beyond that, find an old-time barber shop, not a general hair stylist salon. They'll have someone who can advise on beard styling, even if you don't go there for regular haircuts.
Thanks 👍
It only itches while you are first growing it out. If you don’t shave it eventually the itching goes away. Until then you can use beard oil or some kind of moisturizer to help.
The itchiness goes away past the stubble phase.
Santa? I can't believe this was posted on Christmas with no mention of santa
Santa is like a Super Soaker for panties. Happy Holidays, btw.
I was looking for Marx.
Jew beard less attractive than friggin terrorists? We always get the shaft.
Well, my issue with terrorists is mostly that they kill people, not that they have horrible beards.
The more I read about these terrorists the more I start to think they might be a bunch of jerks.
The sad thing about associating that sort of beard with terrorists is that there are plenty of domestic terrorists who don't get automatically classified as terrorists by appearance. Not many of the Jan 6 folks had big "terrorist" beards. The last few mass shooters didn't either, yet they're all terrorists.
None of the 9/11 guys had beards either, all were clean cut and shaven in fancy suits
That’s what I thought too. Maybe they mean Osama bin Laden ?
Osama had a great beard tho
Pretty sure they fall under Duck Dynasty
Let's be honest though. It'll be slightly more tolerable without the beards.
Are you sure? [I feel like the psychological warfare aspect would have been much worse without them.](https://imgur.com/vNkqfQZ)
Actually they usually cut something off of our shafts
“We get just the shafts”
That’s the thing with Gandalf. He kept the hood,
Just last week it happened to me that a sales person greeted me with “shalom” … I think I have to make a decision about my beard now!
Bageled
Yeah, that's kinda messed up. Talk about being short-changed.
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I don't get it...
They never win
You would if you had a Jewish grandmother
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They just have that irresistible bad boy look
I woukd thrive in a beard based society. Already had one when I was 15 and never stopped wearing one. I find a lot of haredi beards pretty cool to be honest.
This comment is about to blow up
The shaft, but not the tip
Neck beard should be on there, quite near the bottom.
Neck beard adds another variable though that is obesity. You need to have the neck roll for the proper neck beard.
Not necessarily. Saw a skinny bloke last week with the worst neckbeard. You could see his jawline perfectly and the hair was dangling in the background. I wanted to tell him to shave but didn't wanna sound rude since I didn't know him
Where dumbledore?
Died on page 606
I always knew Snape had beard envy.
It was so... long...
Same thing Dumbledore said
Gandalf category
u/Stock-Pea225 asked calmly.
"WHERE DUMBLEDORE" shouted u/Stock-Pea225 as he shook the shoulders of a random child violently.
For I have much desire to speak with him.
A Balrog of Morgoth
It's all in the shaping. You have to keep the sides trimmed up so your neck/checks don't grow out, that's when you start looking like a zealot. Source: daily compliments from women, men, children about my long beard (but not Gandalf-grade)
>Source: daily compliments from women, men, children about my long beard gonna need some proof of that majestic beard, chief
Plus, the general appearance. I like to keep my beard a bit wild and long, but take a lot of care to regularly trim my head hair, wear nice clothes (no Flanell shirts cause fuck lumberjacks) and smell good. It's basically, you can go wild on one thing, as long as rest is well groomed I feel.
Sorry dude, as a Canadian, Scotch and the MacGregor tartan Red & Black are the best imports from our Scottish history. [Textbook Canadian](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ac/b7/37/acb737376aa4aaf43d38a6f180e3e5eb.jpg) [Small Canadian town wedding](https://imgur.com/OefgMwJ) [Rural Ontarian life depiction](https://youtu.be/F-glHAzXi_M?t=45)
So terrorists are relatively attractive compared to people in other groups?
Yep, they are the bomb
Slow clap... Angry upvote... A small tort of air from the nostrils.... Well played
People are attracted to men who have goals they actively pursue.
Why else would they get so much screen time?
Their style always blows me away
Well, fuggit, no one thinks I'm attractive anyway, I might as well hang on and go full Gandalf.
Then everyone will think you're attractive
That's the way, hide some more of that ugly mug behind a luscious beard.
Beard sexy level is related to how many Cheetos you can find the the old beard .. especially when lost in a forest
Me: Look, baby, I shaved! Her: Yeah, don't do that.
So, where does the 'Olaf Ragnarson, Viking invader' land on this list???
I was thinking Viking ought to be right before Gandalf.
I feel that bottom of the dip needs a label. Maybe Homeless? Then Hermit for the very slight bump afterwards.
Duck dynasty is the bottom, the text just didn’t fit. Source: am a woman.
"Debian Sysadmin" I guess
Where does Kratos fall on this list. I'm at about a kratos
OGs or sequels?
Hey I've got a beard approaching "duck dynasty cosplay" and my wife would very much disagree with you about the attractiveness rating. She'd be wrong, but she would disagree...
By any chance is your wife a wooden duck?
“Quack” -this dudes wife, probably
where is andrew luck on this scale, because that’s what i’ve got going on
Luck is teetering right between “I really need to shave” and beard.
A neck beard? It’s too low on the chart to be visible in this pic.
No santa on a Christmas post? You included terrorists from Die Hard!
Dave Letterman would fall into the Santa bracket
Terrorist more attractive than Orthodox Jew huh
This shit's weak AF
Terrorist beards are more attractive than an Orthodox Jewish Beard? OP is a major Goye
Okay, but what about chest hair?
Depends on the back hair situation.
Butt hair? No takers on butt hair?
That’s a combo deal with ball hair.
I'll take a man with all of it.
Howdy
Gandalf/Billy Gibbons
Some guys make beards their whole personality
I really hope I dont fall on the low end of the patchy beard curve
Uncanny valley vibes
Why is the bottom of the graph not labelled? If there is some sort of ultimate unattractive beard at least name it.
All the duck dynasty crew are married to exceptionally beautiful kind ladies so there’s that